Tuesday Halaqa Series – Love in the House A Couple’s Formula for Marital Success
Channel: Haifaa Younis
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sabari Kumar from below what a carto Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu salam ala rasulillah Ali he was a woman who had a lot of malaria Mayan fowl now on foreigner Bhima and lantana in a casimiro Mooji withdraw a lot of money out to become an enemy lionpaw calvia Sha one FC Latisha What do I know you smart, urban Allah, Luba Nevada is had a tener La Habra. novelette on karma in the current federal hub hub strategy. Southern USA Li only rattle off the timely signing of a holy salary call Lahore barakatu Welcome again to our Tuesday program. hamdu Lillahi Rabbil aalameen May Allah keep this near me this blessing going on? And may Allah Subhana Allah reward everyone who's watching and
absolutely reward our esteemed guests today It gives me a great pleasure and honor to have chef Yasser bridges as our guest speaker today hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen and I don't think there is need to introduce him so I'm just going to give a little bit of a background and please forgive me Shakira sir I don't think whatever we're going to say will will be enough and male like that was a kick out Allah May Allah subhanaw taala give you more an accept from you and make all what you do your ob I mean, Hollis theologian, Karim pure for Allah subhanaw taala European Sharia. So join us today from Dallas, Texas, where he actually served as the Imam of the Valley Ranch Islamic Center, a
beautiful Masjid. They moved before Ramadan, right? Yes, sir. hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen. And he actually, as most of the viewers know, he's been involved with the Alma Institute, and he's actually the director of their da
department. He is a graduate of Medina University. hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen. Allah bless him also with working in a relief program in Bosnia after the bosnia was torn by the war. And for the last 20 years he has been in the states and there for the last more than seven or eight years has been the man in Dallas. I had the pleasure of meeting him in person I have the pleasure of being a friend of his wife, his amazing beautiful four children may last pantalla all bless them and give them more and shift yes it is well known for many things but mainly and this is the topic of today halaqaat is his seminars and talks about marriage life and he also does counseling and we opted and
this is the topic he chose and the title he chose Alhamdulillah bland I mean love in the house, the love in the house, do we have it? Is it an Islamic concept? If we don't why don't we have it and the way we're going to do it for all our viewers we're going to the chef May Allah reward him will be giving us a maybe a 10 minutes 15 minutes discussion and then we will be open to questions and answers. So please write your questions on the chart and we will put it on the screen and the chef May Allah reward him will give the answer welcome your chef as I'm just lucky for joining us Bhargavi
analyst party reward you for this beautiful opportunity from the La gammie to get together for the service of this Dean Wallace panel. There's another prophet sallallahu wasallam Allah reward you the volunteers and those who are working really in the background that no one really sees, but I'm hamdulillah this beautiful effort is coming because of so many people Mashallah are coming together to produce this beautiful opportunity to learn our Deen and to reconnect with the son of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam and it is really a great pleasure to be with you here. Definitely is not the first time that that we meet another person that can handle agronomy, we get the opportunity to
share a platform and I'm very grateful for the opportunity shall allow to talk about loving the house a few tips that I would like to give the couples and specifically the the brothers the husbands shout out to Allah on how to arrive at marital success inshallah so hamdulillah blindness Allah BM Hamid and it was clear from my my God, Allah subhana wa tada put this over the room, women iottie and Haleakala coonan cusum as modulators kuruvilla Majora bueno como commodity in the theoretical at the moment if I come in this ayah Allah subhanho wa Taala saying that among his times is this even like a miracle one of the greatest miracles of Allah pinatas creation that he did this
panel with Allah tala come in I'm pleased to come as wotja he had created for you For once yourself as what which means your spouse, your partners, and then he said it escuela so that you might find peace and tranquility with them. So here's the thing, a lot of married people they would say, Where is this tranquility you're talking about? You know, when we talk about getting married? I mean, what are you talking about a doctor supposed to begin with tranquility. I don't see that. Exactly. We don't see it because we don't have the ingredients in our relationship that provides for the loss of hunter promised. So what a lot as dogen he said
If you get married, it should give you joy and quality and peace. Obviously that's a promise from Allah subhanho wa Taala The purpose of this marriage to bring people together to get that sense of harmony and tranquility. But then in order for us to achieve that, he also gave us the ingredient,
he said was a commodity and what? And the place between your heart Love and Mercy, my word.
So the word my word, it's one of the different shades of love. The Arabic line with the word love, or help in the Arabic language, the standard one is more than 60 plus different words. Remember America, Hamilton, his book, Robert might have been the gardener, the lovers, he wanted to elaborate and explain these words. So he came to 30 plus words, and then he just like gave up because too many too, to discuss, and he moved on to the next subject. But the idea is that love has different shades and one of them is my word. And the word nada comes from the name of Allah subhana wa allover dude, overdo the one known the most kind. The most lovings pan on water, so there were dude, and more that
comes from there. So he plays between your heart my water, which means love, passion, and Rama, mercy and compassion, our relationship run on these two major ingredients. love America. Sometimes people they focus so much on passion, that becomes a brutal relationship. And sometimes people they really focus too much on mercy. Even though there is no love. So the run the relationship is running on the fumes of mercy, and has no fuel of love and passion for each other at the end of the day, registed had to succeed, they have to have these two ingredients, love and mercy then Allah subhanaw taala says in the article I add to your comment of a Quran, in the art or science for those who
reflect. And somehow Another neat thing about this is here, it is mentioned in the context of IR that speaks about different miracles in the creation, the heavens and the earth, and the rain and the different people and cultures and backgrounds. But then in between Allah subhana wa does bring in this miracle of creating man and woman and make them into husband, wife and bring in between them, love and mercy. What is and are here at the IEA The only ad that was right at the beginning. And at the end. He says I mean it and then is at the end in medical science and science, miracles and miracles because indeed, to bring to perfect strangers, perfect strangers, who few hours few
days, few weeks prior to their marriage and loving together as husband wife, they were perfect strangers, and they would not even dare to talk with each other. But now how would they exchange a few words regarding the job and where they exchange of these words, suddenly, they become the most vulnerable to each other.
And they're supposed to be the garments for one another. Like you don't allow yourself to be with your family, with your parents, with your siblings with whom you love most of your life. as vulnerable as you can be with your spouse. That in itself is a miracle a lot of kind of saying like look how this helps How strange This is that these these emotions that are like create and bring us together in a miraculous way. That will never happen unless a divine intervention comes into this. So when it comes to have a successful relationship really and have a successful marital relationship, we need to look into the Quran and the Sunnah of the Prophet Allah says Allah says
I'll give you I'll give you tranquility I promise you with peace and tranquility. However, you need to bring the ingredients and these ingredients obviously comes in the form of love and mercy. That's number one. Okay, so how do I understand love and mercy? I cannot understand love and mercy from this eye unless I see it in practice. And who is the one that was sent to show with us also Allah His sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was the best example as a matter of fact he made it very clear to us what Allah said I'm only when he says
Cairo compared to the
rest of their families. And then he said I am the best of my family. Well, Anna Vianney I am doing my family. So as they've been telling us that a lot of salon just look at my example follow my example. And obviously,
when Allah subhana wa tada made the promises and the guide, he made it very clear that his son is the best one we therefore hope by every single Friday. Well hiral had had you Mohammed and salamanders and the best example is the example of the Prophet salallahu alayhi wasallam so what I want to share with my dear brothers and sisters and particularly to the husband and shout out and I hope we have few of them or many of them to be listening with us penalize them adjourn.
I'm going to show the seven major pointers in shallow data seven major points that will help us with nilla hopefully inshallah Ridge level of success in our marital relationship. Just before I get to the seven points inshallah one is point out a few things here for people to understand. A lot of people, a lot of people when it comes to getting married, they're looking for happiness in relationship. It's a natural thing we all love to be we want to be happy. You know, when it comes to getting married. However, it's the wrong goal.
Because marriage in itself is not supposed to make you happy. Marriage is supposed to make you as I was supposed to make him responsible, because in addition to being tired and exhausted, obviously, but it's supposed to make you responsible. But being happy is your personal goal. That's an individual thing. It's an intrinsic value. I've seen people in refugee camps, they have smiles on their faces of Han Allah, Allah gold. And I've seen people living in mansions, and they can enter the persons and, and their kids Pamela on also an anxiety list and all the stuff and so why because the dunya in itself doesn't necessarily provide that. So here we see that when it comes to having
relationship people, they need to understand there is no such thing as an absolute happy marriage. But there's happy people. And these happy people can make any relationship successful. It's probably one of the most popular authors in the subject of marriage is dr. john Guttman, the founder of government Institute, and one of his most famous books that he wrote, The Seven Principles, the seven, the seven principles of making marriage work. He didn't say the seven principles of making happy marriage or happy relationship is making marriage work. Because this is a practical thing, we need to focus on making the relationship work. And when I say make it work, there will be ups and
downs, happy moments, sad moments, issue of conflict initiative of peace and tranquility. But overall, we look back after 3040 years in the relationship, we look back with a suppiler What a wonderful Alicia, we are, like a journey, there was an entire journey and the journey there is always you know, difficult than hardships. And so Pamela, all of us sometimes we look at these journeys, we look back and realize how funny right now we will look back at these moments and these these issues. So the first thing I want to show to the people, before we get the seven tips from the son of the Prophet salla Selim is to understand, don't make having a happy, happy marriage to be
your goal. Instead, this is a reward you receive for achieving something else called contentment. And if you have the contentment, usual and shallow dialogue, find that happiness and happy people don't make anything that punish.
The second thing is about understanding that when it comes to having a healthy relationship or good relationship, it doesn't mean had to be conflict free. Because a lot of times that in the Quran very clearly says well as our own authority,
they will always be in disagreement, which means we'll always have differences of opinion. So just having a difference of opinion does not necessarily mean we have to fight over it. We can disagree, we can have some issues with that. But overall conflict in itself is just like the word you cannot say, I like it, or I don't like it, because it doesn't matter, that was gonna come anyway. So therefore you're gonna have to be prepared for it. If you get married, you're going to need to prepare for conflict, it's going to happen, and in itself is not good or bad. What makes it good or bad is how you deal with it. So you need to be prepared for this and show a lot of our code. And the
third point here to start with the Charlottesville gel is what comes to when I asked people what is the most common problem they have in the relationship? What is the silent killer of order of the relationship? The common answer I get from people is communication or the lack of it. And I keep telling people, you know what, I want to agree with you. However, unfortunately,
you have to understand that the lack of communication is not a problem in itself. It is only a side effect of being a doctor, you know that very well. That webinar when people have rash doesn't say does not necessarily mean this is the problem. It's simply something in their body that is causing this to be now a symptom that you know what is alerting the body or alerting us to say hey, there's something going on. The same thing the lack of communication is not the problem itself. It just an indicator there is a deep problem you need to deal with, so you can improve the condition of the relationship. So here are seven points in a lot I want to share with you from the parent, the son of
the Prophet sallallahu sallam, in regard to how we can have inshallah, to Allah, marital success, number one. Number one, being busy. being busy is not an excuse.
We all get busy, I have work to do I have housework to do I have chores to take care of all that stuff hands on for husband, why you are the primary relationship is not the children. You are the primary relationship many people want the primary relationship is hit. They focus on looking for emotional fulfillment from the secondary relationship. So they care more about their children, they care about their spouse, because the relationship with the spouse is not providing that healthy, you know, feeling and fulfillment, emotional fulfillment, so they look for second relationship, your primary relationship is more important. And it's very important for you, very important for you that
you make sure that being busy is not an excuse. You know, even the profits to the last Elon himself, he said in the early gallega
in a longer
Heavy promises of insult counting who do are those who have right upon you. So he mentioned your family, your body, your faith and your deen and even your guest is a winner is every character is a total loss and your guests have a right upon you. And then it's an article they happen happens should give each and the right that is due to them. Your family is part of your life. I know a lot of men, they take the excuse while I'm doing this for them. But here's the thing. No matter how many hours you spend for your family, your family will always see you away from them. They will never see you away for them.
No matter how much you brag about the amount of hours you spend for them, they will only count the minute you spend with them.
So being busy is not an excuse and even the messenger a lot of salami make time for his family. Some of the example when he goes with guests coming a delegate comes from
from afar and the promises and has to of course entertain the guests he has shown hospitality on the way out on the masjid as he was walking with a private hand was one of the leaders of his tribes. The Prophet says I'm Dr. Ivan hammers, let's just have a quick stop here at the house of Fatima Can you imagine the province has been busy with a man you gave them out of out of town to meet with the prophets Nelson dignitary and the promises of God and let's take a break to meet you know to go to the house to Fatima de la Anna and the moment the province doesn't enter the house of father My son asked him I said my Luca Luca What is that like say like like saying like where's that visa? Where's
that Louisa? And then Fatima de la Anna she grabbed her husband she cleaned him up quickly because he wants to meet his grandfather obviously. She cleaned up the mess and so on and then she let him go. And he came running the prophets of Allah salamander mama Providence. I mean he grabs him, you have the money. So there's a lot Robin harvest, he sees that and he goes, What took a balloon? Like really you kiss your boys.
He goes I have 20 of them and I have 10 of them in my house. I never kissed anyone. Like for how many things you know you need to toughen up your boys. You don't kiss your boys. That's the maximum stuff and the brothers has to look at him Subhanallah with so much compassion, because we're not I'm recording this Allah Ramadan. COVID What can I do for you? The law is taking the mercy out of your heart. Like what's wrong with you? This is mercy. So the man the point here is that the purposes of the busy man still had time to go and play with his kids and his family. The other narration
he said that one day he was looking for the profit and when he is missing from his houses and from domestic go to his apartment. He said I wanted the house to Fatima Ilana and I see the profit Salah Sam on four which means he was on his knees and his on his hands. And he was playing horsey with her husband husband on his bank account wasn't amused by the sides even he joked with me you guys remember Roku Roku Roku and I slide you had Mashallah down there
and he jokes back with Omar and he goes on to say new Houma and the best night ever to write and then he said yes to love We need you for something important. So the parmesan dropped in on Hassan percent and he went to see the model of the oma so the idea is being busy in itself is not an excuse. You need to make time for your family. You need to make time for children inshallah, who, who was number two, share conversation with your family. Conversation talk. It sounds like something simple, right? But unfortunately, because people keep complaining about lack of communication, they're the biggest problem. So the basic thing of a relationship is missing.
talking to each other. You see the Prophet sallallahu wasallam. He was the master in this field. All his communicates with his family. He said a lot of notes that I'm wanting I showed you.
She said when the Prophet sallallahu sallam, he wakes up
and he's done praying, he looks at me. If I was awake, he will chitchat.
If he sees me asleep, he relied on me. But he even in the darkness of the night he's started a conversation with his spouse. beautiful moment to have a nice beautiful conversation on an intimate time like that. Of course when both are the mind is clear. It's the early hour of the of the of the morning even before federal property and so on. This is also saying the one the process the lesson is to consider it that when the profit loss and you'll be traveling with his wife and his family we do within the caravan. He knows how boring it gets really traveling in the desert, not handler nowadays we fly we drive cars and short time we be in further destinations. But back then, in two,
three hours you look through whatever the How does your weather have the camel is the same side the senators Is there a moment really. So the problem was very considered enemy to go all the way back and he start chit chatting with his boss. He talks to them. Why because you know they get bored, they get exhausted. You want to show them that he cares and is still there for them. And he did not forget about him. That's what it means when you have a conversation. And I know a lot of husbands wives they keep saying when we start a conversation we fight
that is big.
Unfortunately, we're missing the most important part of the conversation. And that is the Connect and this communication. And communication has three layers, basic to talk number two, to connect in terms that are meaningful to your spouse, not just to you. And number three, you are going to the same goal which means to synchronize. So basic communication, connection, and then we have synchrony. A lot of husband wives, when they try to communicate, they want to communicate love in a way that is meaningful to themselves. And of course, in love on their spouse, that doesn't work, you're gonna have to learn to speak the language. And that's a different story, we can talk about it
forever. But the Messenger of Allah Azza wa sallam, he was actually the master lesbian. Why is it so important to converse, the doctor responds to your family, because uninformed people are equally misinformed.
And we don't share information with your spouse or your family, they end up rebuilding assumptions. And most people when they build assumptions, negative assumptions, so we were at number three, from the tip of the turn of the process that allows them learns to activate your 10% of the opposite side. What does that exactly mean?
A lots of how to how to design this in a way that we are, for example, as a matter of 90%, man 10% female, and the lady she is actually 90% female 10%. Male, why is the why we need this 10%. Anyway, this 10% is required in order for us to be able to communicate with the opposite gender.
Like, when some people their hormones are imbalanced, a little bit, they have more masculinity versus femininity, for example, it becomes challenging, but naturally speaking, when a man he sees that his wife, for example, stressed out or exhausted or tired or been emotional, and he tries to help her out, he most likely going to use his masculine way of doing it. And when men and women talk, they show different accurate values with their speed. So when he tries to push his values on her, when he talks to her like solution oriented, task oriented, he misses the point. So they never actually connect at all. what he needs to do, he needs to allow his 10% to be it's okay to be
emotional. It's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to allow her you know, to say this to me, because it's just a matter of bonding amount of connecting. Same thing with the lady, it's okay, you know, for me to listen, it's okay for me to do this. That's overkill for me for to allow, for example, to be vulnerable with him in that regard. Because the conversation in order for us to be connected, we have to understand that when my wife, she speaks to me, she doesn't necessarily attack me with what she's saying. She's only trying to connect with me. When the man is speaks to his wife in a certain way, probably, of course, as long as we have the standard, you know, of love and manners of speaking
to each other, obviously. Then he's just trying to connect but in a different way. We need to learn how men and women communicate. And the prophets no less than and he was the master in this case. One time before I saw the law and I said probably I shall Allah. Allah mata takuna, Anuradha, amata, takuna Allah, Allah, you know, I know when you're actually happy with me on happy she was how do you know that? Because when you're happy, you would say, gala or Abu Mohammed, I swear by the word of Mohammed. And when you're unhappy with me, you would say kennela Rahim, I swear by the Lord of O'Brian, and to this ashes, she was actually this morning, I'm used by now she goes will lie Maduro,
let's just let you know, I'm just avoiding your name, which was I love you. But I'm just upset with you at the moment, I want to avoid your name. So imagine if the husband wife can connect with each other on this level? How do the very simple formula, I always tell the husband wife, you know, you have to focus on what your spouse is looking for in the conversation. When men talk, they mainly focus on the what. And women focus on the how and why.
Which means men focus on the content. And women focus on the context. And when a man listens, trying to look for content, looking for the word is not getting enough of it to process it. If he's frustrated, I want the lady she's looking for the how and why she misinterpret sometimes what he's saying. And otherwise, there is gonna be issues with that. I very good examples of how this happened a few days ago, my wife and I,
as we were eating together, she was asking me, how's the food?
So I said, I said, Oh, my God is so hot.
So she looks at me, she goes, Why talk with me like this?
And I'm like, What did I say? She goes, why are you talking to me like this? I said, What did I say? This is how I thought we bought ours was that loving? Because my question is about what did I say? Write the content. And my wife she didn't get what I said she's how you said it was actually more loud. And you know, it seems like you're you're unhappy with it. And then somehow when I asked her what did I say she was focusing on how I said it. And asceticism how this is exactly the typical scenario what happens between a husband wife, so in order for us to connect men, they need to focus a little bit on the why and how if
They can make any assessment. And the rate is also the need to focus on the what sometimes regardless of the why and now,
it can actually help them connect like the purpose of connecting with a spouse. Number four, I'm going to go fast with this Michelle tala. Number four, be flexible. How do we be flexible, you know, you don't have to make decisions for your spouse or your wife specifically for the husband right now. Don't try to make this on her behalf or make decisions. What she needs from you. She needs your support, she needs you to be there with her. That's all she can make all the decisions she wants a shout out to about a quarter one of the biggest issue between a husband wife is when the man he is is task oriented. When he hears his wife speaking to him something he needs to give her suggestion
needs to give her the solution he needs to give her
an idea and obviously that's not what I was looking for. So as a result when she rejects that he feels offended and they start fighting back and they start fighting over something that's completely unnecessary.
So we need to be flexible. When the Prophet sallallahu wasallam when the prophet SAW said on the first
as the people were coming back, what did I
just said everybody is going to go back home with the Hajj and Umrah and you want me to go back just with Hajj. Allah I still am not leaving until I have had the number. What does that mean? Because when the professor has moved to the hedge, I showed the law and she had her period started so her period started on the law and the professor last time he she he told her not to do the camera and just to do all the uncountable hedge and wait until they eventually are the law and when she was about to leave, she insisted I'm not leaving without hedging without my armor and now she's holding the whole candle whole caravan from going back home in Manila now a man could good insistence you
know what forget it let's go we're holding everybody here right now instead of the profits are said to have their brother go ahead take her to attend him have a maker from Brenda today I'm gonna show you my camera and they went back to that
you need to be flexible. This is not always yours and this for both men and women actually need to be flexible together inshallah number five
criticism as part of our what we call home improvement department.
You know, when I criticize you, I'm just looking to improve you to improve the relationships and with this and that and some some people that say avoid criticism, well, we can't avoid criticism because it's natural to us to look and for what is best for us right? But what we could do is neutralize criticism in the way it is given and the way it is taken. So when you give criticism when you give criticism, make sure that to avoid judgmental word like you always never ever these are destroying statements. instead take those out like saying you know honey, when I hear these words, it makes me feel sad. So I'm not blaming anybody except that it hurts me when this has happened to
me. So how I removed a lot of tears from the relationship Allah subhana wa galison moves and our own to surround the greatest tyrant what was the advice in the last panel with Allah sent with an akula
harmless victim gently? Can you imagine if this is how we treat each other? Well he did this she did that you know what your kindness is not dependent on their affluence and manners it depends on yours
and you can always be the right person to do the right thing shout louder number number six master effective a colony we need to learn how to apologize allies versus an upline festa has helped me
he call it a self help Jimmy which is when you forget that forgiveness is the most beautiful and he says yeah you're loving I'm an akuna tominaga all you who believe stand for justice which means when they when you made a mistake, admit it was unfortunate even if it was against you accept that so you make sure that the apology would what hasn't? And what is the perfect apology is that actually five five layers or five steps number one you start with an icebreaker by saying sweetheart honey whatever you call each other professors used to call it
but can I use who also those two issues whatever name that you they give each other? So here's the problem called her Yosh right? So the first thing is I want an icebreaker second thing you speak about the incident you're about to apologize for Don't beat around the bush like saying you know sometimes we will say things don't mean blah, blah, blah that's beating around the bush. Just stay it. You know, yesterday when we were having dinner and I just said this, that's the incident itself. Number three, you bring the words of apology, loud and clear. So you said if I want to apologize to you, honestly, I'm sorry. You know for for doing that. Number four, do not negate your apology with
these words of negation, like however but you know, you did mistake as well too. It's not just my fault bla bla bla bla you don't ever
Don't negate an apology, this time if you are apologizing and that's it. And the last point number five is to say the statement is basically redeeming yourself by saying, Tell me how you want me to make it up to you. You ask them how do you want me to make it up to you? These are the five steps of an effective apology without it your apology doesn't make actually and is the last point to shout out about our quota Allah is to remind my dear brothers and sister husband wife
that the most important 10 minutes and 10 minutes of your day or your evening is the last 10 minutes in the morning before you leave to work. And the first 10 minutes when you meet after a very long day.
Why is that? Because of how are they natural they set the mood for the rest of the day and the rest of the evening.
In the turn of the Prophet sallallahu Ala Moana used to leave the house I just used to say kind of sort of Assalam ucop below Bob and his that he was lying
on his way out to them as well is fasting he would he would kiss his wife and leave what kind of kiss we're talking about when we talk about the tender kind beautiful loving because this is not lust here now is fasting is going to the salon. So it's kindness it's kindness and gentleness and on the way back when he comes home so let's use the second or third Allah Allah. Allah burrito when it comes into the house. The first thing he does is what miswak so he pleases now I want to live with the family now she said the mocha bloomin Raji Masha, he comes and he kisses me on my face you know basically saying all over that's what she's saying. what she meant by that statement, she's meaning
by that like it's showing his passion and like how much I missed you basically you know, there's a concept with children whenever you have your child and you have to hold your kids your baby's hand and you want to kiss them the hand and then you're going to bite it is that so they called cute aggression. It's so sweet and beautiful between husband wife but there is some sense of good aggression like out of out of love and out of you know how much I missed you that they squeezed there you know each other to Pamela it's just beautiful. These are the thing that I would like to share from the sooner the profits the lesson plan the sooner the profits are worthless Ramallah
number one, being busy is not an excuse. Always make time for your family. Number two, share conversations. Because if you don't speak to them, uninformed people equal to misinformed and they make assumptions. Number three, learn to activate your other side to connect with your with the opposite gender. And that by understanding how your spouse communicate with you, number four, to be flexible, it's not always about you. Let them make decisions, let them make choices and support that choice and that decision they make number five neutralize your your criticism, you can't avoid criticism, but at least know how to make the shallow data effective within number six, Master
effective apology. Learn how to make it right that's for husafell Jimmy and forgive and move on. And number seven, the most important 10 minutes or 10 minutes of your day and your night. These are the sooner the practice lesson, how you receive your spouse, and how you actually scored them out when they may Allah Subhana Widowmaker some of those listen to the speed and follow the rest of it. You're blind. I mean, I asked Allah subhanaw taala to grant us all peace and tranquility in our lives in this dunya and if adopted out of anatomy a lot to Saku La Jolla, 100 layer. Blimey, it's beautiful. And my last pandemic, everyone benefits from this. The point as I was writing and
listening to what you say is what happened these days? What is the difference between
let's say, my mother and father or the previous generation who they had all these issues, as you said that you beautifully, don't, we should never expect that when somebody gets is going to get married, is going to be smooth sailing. Nothing in life is smooth sailing, how did they manage, although life was much harder when they didn't have what we have. And they made it why divorce now is much more.
And life should be much easier. What changed? What happened to the love.
power law, here's the thing, what I've seen in the in the past maybe 1718 years, doing family counseling from community and so on. You know, it goes into trends. But the number one thing, I believe that the cause of all these issues, unfortunately, is the fact that in the past people that have they have the rule of expectation set.
So when people get married, they know what they're getting and what they're getting, no matter how educated they are, no matter how much money they make in their job, blah, blah, blah, all that stuff. But people they understood the standards of marriage. They know what they're doing and what they what they what are the other things obviously in our time these standards were shattered. And because we charted the standards, nothing is left above. So what happens people are now left to fight for these standards. So
Husband wives always fight for these standards, which is why the silent killer of all relationship today is expectations.
In the past, the expectation would always be set by the culture. how long you've been married that's what you do well, that's what's expected for me to be winning, winning good man. Now I'm not gonna say who was good or bad, but eventually his whole life moved on. It's like john Gottman said, You know what? How the principles that make marriage work. That doesn't make it happy. You know, not every relationship is super happy and super Mashallah lovey dovey. But you know what, people that have different reason why they stay in a relationship. And as long as the handle is respectful, it's not you know, that rude or abusive or some people are okay, satisfy the content, and then move on.
To make it lovey dovey does extra work you need to do, but overall, the expectations were set by the culture back in the days, nowadays, the culture have the cultural standards are removed, obviously, and left would for the people to set the standard on their own, which is why a lot of negotiation between the young man or young woman they asked him so many questions
about this, about that, and some how long list of questions. Even one of the one of the books I have in my library is 100 questions should ask before, you know you get married, like 100 questions.
I mean, I know we need to inquire about many things. But it just tells us the trend, that trajectory our marriage are going through right now. A lot of uncertainty, a lot of insecurities and everybody wants to be certain about things.
There's one question here, it says if the husband talk to I'm sorry, if the husband talked to another girl without the knowledge of his wife, is that a mistake that he should apologize for?
Not trying to trivialize a question or a situation but some kind of law. It's not about you know, making an apology or not. A sin is a sin, there's no doubt about it. How long is the how long
the violation of the sanctity of the marriage is definitely is important in our brand. However, we also understand, you know, because things have different context, obviously.
So if it's, if it's a professional conversation, if it's not otherwise, and so because now we live in a society where people they have to interact with the opposite gender for the world, for example. And in this case, if we talk to them over the phone, or maybe his wife, hears them speak or this or that, definitely that is considered, you know, not the best situation, but somehow, based on the circumstances, something we're gonna have to deal with. But if the conversation with someone else is obviously is just completely for pleasure, or just because they want to have an escape or a thrill or whatever that is, then that's that's different. It's a form of cheating. You have to notice the
letter M says, Welcome to Xena what is one occasion getting these different degrees but I noticed is that the I would also prefer Nikki was in another and just by looking at something
the same thing with the ear, the same thing with the hand so basically, and that is considered a form of course maybe a form of cheating in a sense depends on the circumstances does require apology, I think it requires more than more than just an apology to be honest. It requires really counseling between the husband wife also as well too because maybe something is going on in the relationship that requires us to go back again and maybe the man is suffering from something has nothing to do with his one. But maybe he needs it is just visit open up urbanization. So we need to deal with this and how long I mean there's a lot of reasons I know this question is actually just
simple and general. But frankly, based on the circumstance that I deal with, it's becoming an epidemic unfortunately in the society this cross gender conversations that goes to social to friendly are becoming very common unfortunately and people they cross line without knowing that
there's another question here chef says, Sarah Molly Conoco sit on the floor third person created mistrust between husband and wife, and now they are failing to trust each other.
About a third person who got involved between two between a couple right.
Now again, the question is actually is very, very general.
This concept is called Deaf bead.
In this in the Hadith, the prophet SAW salami warns against could be viewed as basically someone who's more known as homewrecker. Someone who just destroys the house destroys the harmony in the house. And the Prophet system warned against this. As a matter of fact, it's even something haram and that person who has disappeared until the husband wife, divorce lennier, Schumer had agenda they will not have the sense of agenda as a result of that alone.
Stand. However, I also need to read between the lines of the questions. Sometimes we mentioned the question that way. And the question is about the mother law, for example, or about a sister law or about this cross personal transfer. If this is the case, then it's not just about getting between, you know, my me and my husband will be my wife and ruin our relationship. It's the wounds are deeper than this. And honestly, this becomes actually more dynamic of the household and the relationship. How are we managing our relationship is very important. It's not just the mother, you know, get involved just for the sake of getting involved because no mother wants to see the family of her of
her childhood children to be destroyed. But unfortunately, they weren't there on under assumptions in a certain way, obviously, that leads to these these problems.
When you get married to somebody, it's all the competition between you and the mother.
No matter how much you think you're gonna be nice to her, some paler, some mothers just can't take it. That is the only boy I have. And he's now gone. So his attention is shifting between her and his wife. So their mother becomes actually jealous for what you are not for who you are. She's just jealous, because we just know the wife, you are the daughter in law, not because of who you are as a person, no matter who he marries, he's gonna probably suffer the same situation. So again, it depends on the circumstances
is definitely is the same. And the dunya there is no really punishment for it in the dunya. But Allah subhanaw taala is really, really having unfortunately, a severe punishment for those who caused the husband want to read a lot.
This question is from me, as we all have learned, and we try to do is that we do everything we can as a form of a bad and then we don't have to change a lot of our life. As long as we change our near as long as we follow the footsteps of our Swati Software Center. Marriage can be a form of a ladder.
If we look at if we put the goal of it as a form of a grandmother and I am in this relationship to please Allah subhanho wa Taala know how this will help in this.
In the resource centers in the Hadoop Magellan unmanned wide and
whoever mentioned him his main concern, one single concern hammelmann the concern for the, for the Day of Judgment for the position before a
lot of our last panel data will surprise them or other concerns. Similarly, when it comes to the relationship, you know, my husband is being you know, insensitive in this position, he's being not supportive and this cause even this will be, you know, what if the relationship is not really that that horrible, is not is not abusive? In this case, I can still manage it, then we need to work on this. Because at the end of the day, my kindness doing my duty, and my relationship is the last panel, whatever what anybody else? I ask people when there's a conflict between a husband wife, what do we need to do we should we need to communicate in order to remove you know, the misunderstanding?
who's supposed to be the person to begin with reconciliation.
should run for the answer by saying the best of the two is what the prophet does.
The best of the two is the one who start with recalculation. And I asked the couple, who is the one who's best to view
and that's when everybody just kind of pointed to the other one. Like he is the best, she's the best. I said, that's the wrong answer. The answer should be iron.
Because if the husband he focused on him being the best person in this relationship, for the sake of Allah Azza wa Taala first and foremost, and then after that for my family, and the wife also presents herself with Allah accusing allies that first and foremost Allah, only then you will be able to find peace and tranquility.
This more than one question came in this how to deal with husband and wife both working full time which is reality, but wife does 80% of the house course and child rearing and then too exhausted to pay attention to the husband scared to lead to resentment, which is very normal reality scenario, unfortunately these days obviously, the question stems from that from the point we mentioned earlier about the silent killer relationship and what is that expectation
the lady because she's also earning money, she'll bring in money to the household she's she's working as much as he does probably remote and she's still expecting him of course to help her out with the house. And then then we'll also he still expects his wife to take care of the household.
Probably the sometimes what needs to be done, which is what always recommend for the people really, we need all we always need to communicate that correctly with each other. I always thought that husband wife, you know, don't leave things for assumptions.
If you both know that you're going to be working, you need to sit down and tell each other, what are your expectation from
the husband or his wife? Listen, I know you're going to be working, and I'm going to be working as well, too. What are your expectations? So the wife says, Listen, I need you to help me with the children, I need you to help me, for example, what at least you know, I'll do the cooking, but you do the dishes, for example, I do this, I do that. So if they can agree on this, and then negotiate,
he might say, you know, I'll take this, you take that, I'll take that. Or maybe she's the one who said, You know what, no, this is too much for me, I need you to help us with this stuff, for example, whatever that whatever that is, they need to negotiate the terms to make things right. You can't live your marital life based on expectation, like you do your job. And you become the martyr in the relationship, hoping for your spouse to pick up the slack. And just, you know, eventually, all of a sudden, martial law becomes brilliant at doing that, I think, the best way sometimes to talk with each other, you know, open, that's the best the best thing I was, on one time when he got
married, he said to his wife, economist,
other two probably, why the anti poverty robot.
He said, If you get upset, try to please me. If I get upset this and you try to please me in that moment. Because when you get upset, I'll try to please you in that moment. Otherwise, we're never going to go along with each other. Next question for our families, if I get upset, she gets upset for me getting upset and becomes a competition who deserve to be upset more than the other.
But instead, in that moment, we need to work on using each other. Now. So what about and this is also common, I hear it from the woman, how about if this was agreed upon before marriage, and then they got married, and things change. And if he says, you know, I'm the man of the house, I am not gonna do any of this. This is how it is, it's up to you, you want to work work, you don't want to work, you don't want to work. But unfortunately, it's my I'm sorry, that's my expectation in the house. Unfortunately, this is this is one of the biggest problems because the expectation before the marriage is always lovey dovey,
whatever you want, I can do this for you, we're blinded by love, obviously. So whatever, we don't see his fault, we don't see error, we don't see flaws, anything like that. But then when reality comes in and starts becoming the new norm, people start coming to try to renegotiate the terms again, and becomes problematic. So what do we do in this situation, she has the full right islamically, to try to bring him back to the agreement. And if we have witnesses, like, for example, the Imam or if there was anything in writing, or maybe from her family, his family, then we bring them back together today, you guys agreed to this, and you should actually provide that service. And
if the man says I can't do it, then he becomes maybe responsible to pay for that service.
Yeah, I agree with this, but honestly, I can't Therefore, my solution, I'll pay for a maid, for example, I will pay for the man, she can take care of that on our behalf. And that's it. Don't ask me to do the anything in the household. But because he agreed to in the first place, he becomes responsible.
So how do we do that? That's when counseling really becomes important in a relationship between husband wife, I always tell people I also husband, wife, you need to do your counseling, when you're still in good terms. Don't wait until there's a big part of the reason to go from counseling. When you have when you're in good terms, inshallah go for what we call for coaching, you need to learn how to make it better. Otherwise, if you wait until there's a problem, there's a that becomes problematic because no one is listening at that time, because everybody's emotional, too emotional to focus on the solution. They only focus on the pain, focus on the hurt, and everybody's trying to
find a solution for themselves.
from your experience, share
our couples these days, even after 20 and 25 years of marriage finding separation easier. Or people before used to accept things that should not have been accepted. You agree with me that percentage of divorce, even in the Muslim community is on the rise. It is actually it's important, a lot of lot of elements, a lot of reasons for that. And part of the lifestyle we live in as well it contributed to that, you know, let me speak why we have even less less satisfaction, our relationships to begin with, contribute to the high rise of the rising of the worst case and basically see in the path people when they get on these to get married, didn't have too many choices.
If you want to marry somebody is just across the street from morial. And if you have any options, you have too many options of cousins, basically. That's kind of fun back then the culture was was given that to them. And this is not just actually in the Muslim community. This is even the non Muslim community. What used to be before obviously was the more post modern time people, they're all outgoing, working, studying intermingling. And now it's not like you don't you have somebody else. No, you even have right now different cultures.
different backgrounds, different races, different, you know, Soviet Union. And as a result of all of that, obviously, we give people too many options. When there are too many options. People take what take the choice. When you give people the choice, you're given a control. And when you give people control, obviously, everybody wants to take control.
And no one is satisfied. Also in our culture today, we have the drive thru culture. Everything is fast, everything is the instant gratification. So when people get married, they expect to have the gratification right away.
But it doesn't happen. So I need to wait a little bit before they can read that. So when people ask me one that I know when would I know? That my
I lived happily ever after I said 34 years later. That's when you look back and you realize martial law was a beautiful journey altogether. Hold on.
I'm just going to share your link that you shared with me because I got this question before the program that you offer counseling, I got this question for more than one person. And you do offer the counseling and the I just put here the link. Am I right? Yes.
Yes, that's that's the one
very clear to people that actually this is the calendar, where I provide pastoral counseling that requires a port that includes spirituality, in addition to any coaching and helping people and families and homiletical to improve their relationship a lot. There's a question says, What advice do you have for someone who has a sensitive husband? That's the question with no details? Okay.
Sensitive why false?
Here's the thing, when it comes to sensitivity will come to search activity. It is it is not something
from starting from the bottom, it's something on the top, what does that mean? It just like an iceberg. There's a lot of things happen. And before we get to this level of sensitivity,
quickly, I usually teach that in the actual premarital model for young couples, as one of the top five problems, we have no relationship because the expectation problem, you see, when you expect some type of response to meet your expectation, you start getting frustrated and disappointed. After some time you become you become angry at this level, Why are you getting angry because it developing uncertainty about the relationship that leads to anxiety, because the unknown is basically is dangerous. So develop an anxiety that leads to fear of the unknown, and you get overwhelmed, you start becoming numb, and then you go into low energy mode, it's like the battery on your phone. And
that low energy mode obviously leads people to start becoming resentful because they want to block themselves. They want to reduce the activities in the relationship to the minimum. When you get to this level, you become hypersensitive.
And you become sensitive to the talk to the word to the criticism to the smell to anything and as a result, I think can take them off, and they immediately become angry.
That's a form of anger, that form of sensitivity is a is a maladaptive technique to solve the problem. How is that? Because the real problem is to remove the uncertainty. And one way of doing it is through proper communication, effective communication. when communicating fails, people go to control the remote uncertain. And there are two kinds of control. There's passive control. There's aggressive control, some are aggressive, they yell, they're physical, they're this or that. Others are passive, withdrawing the silent treatment, ignoring it, shoving down the car, under the carpet, all that stuff, they're both controlling, and they're both bad in the relationship. So the husband
is hypersensitive. Instead of worrying about him being sensitive, let's let's talk about where this is coming from. Let's go all the way back and see where it started from and how we can become much more effective in giving our prism or feedback. Our you know, suggestion is?
This is a very beautiful question came actually from a brother. And so it's now be summarizing it. So what is the real the real realistic expectation, the minimum expectation in a relationship between a husband and a wife
minimum expectation, right? So if this is not there, this is not higher. This is at least these are out there. Here's the thing. There is no such thing as low expectation in relationship. Okay? Because low expectations, there are also high expectations. Why? Because when you lower your expectation to the minimum, completely, what are you expecting, expecting absolute nothing in return. But when you also get attacked or get harassed or get you know, criticized, you go crazy because I'm not even expecting anything. Look what I'm getting right now. So low expectation is as dangerous as high expectation there is no such thing as low expectation. No such thing as high
expectation. What we need to work on is make money
reasonable expectation, okay, some of them needs to go up some of these to go down a little bit. Something like this. But then low expect I wanted to drop my expectation when you say I want to lower my expectation, the relationship, you're already actually suffering it already. You're feeling negative about it because you're lowering your standard. So, there is no such thing as lower your expectation, you need to adjust your expectation yourself in some areas, your high is permitted to be low. And obviously when you do that will be a lot of negotiation. A lot of give and take between you and your spouse.
Can we say if I want to say the minimum the word is respect,
if respect is lost in a relationship, the marriage is on? How do you define respect though?
We have different cultures today. In some culture, some cultures eating frozen pizza is normal. And others this is disrespectful. Are you kidding me? I've got no to eat, you know, frozen pizza. That's, that's the standard. In some cultures, answering back is the No. There's nothing wrong with that. And some others just you know, answering back like como de La Nina tradition in Mecca. He was shocked when his wife answered back, like, Whoa, what is it? Right? So when it comes to respect and love, I do believe that if a man or a woman looking anything in this relationship is looking for love. And if a man looking for anything in the relationship is looking for respect, however, love
and respect, they're synonymous. They're same words used by of course, men and women differently, though. So for a man if you if you respect me, you love me. And for all men, if you love me, truly, then you respect me? How did you find it in details? that something has to be defined by the husband wife themselves? What law? There is, there's a question which can be on both sides. It says, what do you do if the other side, silent treatment,
so hard to break through? now.
Somehow, I wish I can explain one more time, the whole concept of
what I call the silent killer of relationships. Because talent management is part of these techniques. It is it is when you reach that numbness space, people go into resentment mode, and they build their guards up. And because they're too exhausted to deal with the elements, so they want to just save themselves. So they keep quiet. Right? hoping for a miracle to happen for things to change.
We're not doing anything, the fire is from the inside as much as from the outside. So we need them to understand that that attitude in itself is not only solution to the problem, and it's considered controlling behavior, even if they say, Well, I'm I'm not even trying to start a problem. I'm not even fighting, I'm not even yelling. Well, your silence is that your silent treatment is deafening.
Especially if it was used as a weapon. So therefore, how to deal with someone who's silent, I really recommend for a person who's dealing with a situation like this, to seek seriously seek family counseling. Hopefully they can, they can help you with some tips, where you can, you know, bring things around. I remember I could deal with few couples in the same situation what users are the man was the one given the silent treatment. So the lady humbles herself no more than men. So they come for counseling. And the lady I told her that, you know, we need your husband to come over at some point she said he would never come. He's not that type of person. He's so proud of himself, bla bla
bla, I said, well, let's fight each other. So holla three more sessions later, she sent me an email so excited, her husband wants to come.
And when he showed up, I asked him what changed your mind? He goes, Well, I don't know what you've been telling her. But I wanted to know what's working. So I wanted to come and learn from you to see what exactly I can do to make things right. And so it was very humbling experience really, that the power law, something I have to sell to the brothers so listening plus over here, you guys have to know that
when it comes to of course, these these these relationships panel, they're very intimate, very beautiful. But people they have to they have to understand, we we all have our our limits as human beings. I can I can be with you
all the way. But I'm a human being after I make mistakes. We need to learn to forgive and move on forgive and move on. Otherwise, if we don't forgive each other, we keep you know spreading out a little things. We never move a step back an inch in our life a lot. Last question chef has just too beautiful May Allah reward you but also because of the time and getting close to my own? And this is a follow up question. And I think it's extremely relevant in marriage. How do we handle different Love Languages between husband and wife? The way of expression is different. I think it's a very good question. This one, the book that was suggested by
Dr. Gary Chapman, the five love languages.
Everything mentioned there is mentioned as one of the prophets of loneliness.
However, people need to understand when it comes to communicating love for each other. You guys need to need to communicate love for your spouse in a way that is meaningful to the spouse. What does that
mean? The example of Salah chorus, you see, we said communication has three layers to be affected by, first of all you have the time and space. It doesn't happen. In fact, if you're not talking not meeting, we're sitting down for a cup to you or cup of coffee, you're not gonna have conversations. So you need to make time being busy is not an excuse. That's why Allah subhanho wa Taala is demanding for us to connect with him and communicate with him how many times a day, five times a day, at least my plan today. And then you need more, you have the option to do to her job to do with her. And so now whatever you want to do, right? But then that is not sufficient. Because just
because you communicate doesn't mean you can book by john Maxwell. Everyone communicates few Connect. And that book explains that connection is different than just communication. Just like the internet, just because you have the full bar on your laptop or your iPad. It doesn't mean you have internet you only have communication with the router. If there's an outage there or maybe you didn't pay the bill, you're not going to get internet and it's frustrating when you have the full bar on your laptop and you keep getting the message, no connections check your connection if you have connection. It's very frustrating. Similarly between the husband while they talk, but they're not
connecting with each other. The last part was about Salah. But after the honeymoon and Medina is a lot in question success for other believers. Those when they pray, they pray with her shoe which means when they pray they connect he didn't praise them because they were believers. He didn't praise them because they prayed because they should they believe it after all, but he praised them because when they prayed they connected with today people ask me my Salah is not you know, doesn't give me what I feel what I should feel from Salah. Well,
how's the what's the quality of your Salah? Everybody says the same thing. You know, it's between around when I'm running late five minutes. Hola. Hola. Hola. Hola had another Nika Kota. Now I'm going to make it longer while acident salad because of all the right. So that's the unfortunate what most people actually they say. And they do. I said, you see, you're trying to connect with a lot of panel data on your terms. But history
has arrived with the same thing. If your spouse loves dark chocolate, and you like milk chocolate, every time you would like to bring them something sweet. You bring the milk chocolate your favorite. How it's gonna look like? Yeah, well, who likes dark chocolate? Dark Chocolate is for cooking man. It's not even for eating it. So you're forcing your love on your spouse.
So even though it's so sweet for you to do that, but it's still not the right thing to do the right thing to say the third thing about communication to be effective. Just because we communicate and we connect, it doesn't mean we're going to the same direction. What does that exactly mean? If the goals are not in sync with each other between, you'll be taking different different paths. By the man who wants to take out a master's degree for example, that's going to take him away from his family forever, right. And the lady she's she's waiting for him all these years. He has a goal. She has different goals. their goals are not matching, or at least not in sync with each other. They
need to make sure that they have their goal thinking with each other. Just like the internet, if you try to search something on the internet and you pray and you and you press on Google search and you press enter what happened you do three things. Number one, you communicate with a server that has all the information looking for. These servers connect the information for you together, and then they synchronize the download on your page. If one server slows down the video computer buffer and the present download perfectly.
The exact same thing happens in relationships. We might be communicating we might be connected but if we're not going into the same direction, we're not going to get any more
this is the last one from me and we will end up with a word from Allah Pantanal. vasarely Sato surrender words several patients always brought in relationship mouth and you might alter the meaning of a title mean or sub nothing is being given better than human being is given patient in my office sobre una as wrong behavior the sub word the sub of the last one tada said those who are patient, they will be rewarded and accounted for where is our is in this relationship and how much and to what extent
you know what i would every time we talk about soccer, no doubt it's the greatest value that we miss in our times in the culture of instant gratification. Software is missing. I mean can you imagine eating the Harry from the microwave? How are you going to cook me not in a microwave. Many people that
their marriages to be like that. Now how do you know Mike? Well, you can't have that. It has to take hours and hours and hours to perfect. That mean the marriage the same thing requires a lot of patience a lot of some of which is why the purpose was I was in a hurry when I had an alpha and unfavoured Alzheimer's, but no one has ever been given anything better than stubborn and patience. And it's the only thing in the Quran that Allah does not give any specific any specific
in regard to the reward for being patient, he says you
have no measure you're going to be given for the patients. However, here's the thing about patience. We in our culture, have conditioned ourselves when it comes to patients we are actually conditioned ourselves with negative connotation
when we think of other we think of soccer against what against our loss patients want because I lost something patient I lost some we don't think of patients as a as an event of its own right.
We don't think of it as either of us basically of its own right. So therefore, people need to understand when it comes to having patients in itself is not really you're not being patient only when there's difficulty.
No patient is a lifestyle has to be that's number one. Number two, for patients to be effective, it has to come with its counterpart What is that? Sugar there
there like two hands. You can clap with one. You want to be patient start being grateful
so as a result I always ask people Hey you want to be patient start a sugar journal a gratitude journal every single day Count your blessings every single day contribution will lie patience becomes easy
but if you only focus on being patient against that in your last
that's not gonna happen
does that come along here And may Allah reward you might be healthier chef yes sir engineer Institute and everybody yeah really appreciate being with us 3d this was helpful inshallah This is not the last time this is a wide subject you know how important these days for us inshallah Allah spawn tada will facilitate another meeting another program like this desert como la jolla. Milady word you, everybody ceremony Kumara Allahu wa barakato