Channel: Habib Bobat
Series: Habib Bobat - Islam and intimacy
Islam and intimacy is a 6 part series which covers the Islamic perspective on bedroom matters. Islam is a complete way of life. It provides guidelines on every sphere of life,
from Taharah & Salah, to business, inheritance & marriage.
Likewise, Islam has taken in to account the private moments of a believerâs life. It has provided complete guidance as far as sexual relations are concerned. Scholars have dedicated exclusive chapters to this subject matter.
© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.
Bismillah al Rahman al Rahim al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa sallahu
wa salatu salam, ala Ashraf al anbiya. Even more sorry.
This is our second lesson as far as the fear of intimacy is concerned. In our previous sitting, we did an introduction to the subject matter and we said that Islam is a complete way of life. It covers every sphere of our life, not just either, not just Salah, not just not just Hajj, but rather it extends to all other phase of our life, whether it's social issues, whether it's politics, and for that matter, even the matters of bedroom, the Islamic guidelines are found. So Islam provides a complete, comprehensive Sharia for its followers. There's no gray area in the dean, everything is clear cut and lots of Hamilton has given us guidelines to his beloved and abusive Lavalier system.
The second thing that we made mention of is that
we looked at the concept of modesty and we made mentioned that indeed, modesty is extremely important in our Sharia in our team. However, at the same time, we made mentioned that modesty should not become a deterrent for you to learn your deen.
So, if you are unsure, or if you are not certain in a certain must Allah, query the masala find out even if it is something that's involved in an intimate nature, then you must find out what is the the proper ruling and the correct understanding of the matter. And I gave you the example of the women of unsought they would come to the Navy for law and they would ask intimate questions like for law, how is the lady to complete herself after height or after a certain condition? And then we have a load explained and I shadowed the load, Alana would come in and she would commend the ladies of unsalted saying how wonderful are the ladies of ansara modesty does not stop them from learning
about the deen.
The third thing that we made mentioned in our previous setting was that there is a genuine need for Islamic guidance as far as intimacy is concerned. And that is, we know that we live in a highly sexualized world. And people are getting their knowledge and information through the net through the web, through YouTube and other platforms. And at times, they might be getting the wrong end of the stick, they might be getting the wrong version of the dean and also in terms of intimacy. Therefore, we made mentioned that it's important to understand this portion of your deen through authentic sources. We also made mentioned that
people often abstain from certain practices in the bedroom thinking that it is haram whereas is actually halaal 100%. And likewise, many people indulge in many acts thinking that they are halal, whereas in reality, it is haram. Therefore, education is key. And one other point that we made mention is that tolerable for you though, to an akula Muslim, that to seek knowledge is compulsory. And I mentioned, if at this moment, you've got extra cash, and it is more than your need. And it is more than one year in your possession for you to learn the muscle of the case further, no longer sooner, because it's incumbent for you at this particular stage in your life. Likewise other aspects
Today we move on to another chapter and another discussion altogether and that is intimacy a right of both partners.
intimacy, a right of both partners. That is a topic we're going to discuss today. And as an introduction, we must understand
that Allah subhanaw taala has provided the avenue of nikka for both parties to fulfill their needs.
It is the only legitimate halaal permissible avenue for husband and wife to fulfill their needs. It's one of the objectives of nicca in certain cases, Nika becomes followed in certain cases nicolaes wajib, in certain cases, because sooner in certain cases nikkors mcru, in certain cases, knickers Makita. Hurry me. I'm never going to all of them. But it's fun when you have the ability to get married and your desires are so strong, and you know, you're going to commit adultery at that moment to make the case for you.
Why? Because his truck did not say shy away from your needs. Islam said yes, there's an avenue for it and the avenue to fulfill you
We understand the urges, they knew we don't we don't suppress your urge. What Islam encourages is do it in the right way, and the right way is Nika. So our husband must understand that the only legitimate halaal avenue for him to fulfill his needs is through the avenue of nica. And the wife needs to understand that the only halaal permissible avenue to perform to fulfill her needs and get sexual gratification is through the avenue of nica. Now, if the husband and the wife are not understanding this responsibility, and this important function of marriage, then the relationship suffers.
The relationship suffers. We'll get into more details a little later on. But as an introduction, we must understand number one, that it is the platform through which a person is ought to fulfill his needs.
Now, coming to the aspect of intimacy being a right for both the husband and the wife,
the famous father, Mr. Marlow, Dean, Alka son used to say that both spouses share the ruling of deriving sexual pleasure. For just as the wife is lawful for the husband, her husband is lawful for her. Meaning, it's a mutual relationship. It's a misconception to think
that the man only has the right in the relationship for sexual gratification. So when he's in the mood, the wife must make herself available. And when he's not in the mood, nothing's going to happen. It doesn't work according to his moods. It's a mutual relationship, where both parties need to understand the sentiments of each other. And they must cater for each other's needs. There are narrations that categorically speak about the rights of ladies. And I'll give you the example. The incident is of Abdullah amor de la Thailand. He says, I'd go honey or be a Moroccan that hasn't been my father got me married to a beautiful, wonderful lady, who comes from a very noble background
for Ghana, to Canada, who for years, Aloha and barley, ha. But every now he was checking on us. And he would ask my wife, his daughter in law, how's your husband treating your house things in house Is everything all right?
And this is an important lesson for us that ask your daughter in law, how's the sun treating her? Not the other way around? are you treating my son now? Tell me
you're the Sahabi is asking the daughter in law. How is my son treating you? Look in the reply this lady gave. She said now Rama, Rajan amin Rajan. Wonderful man. Fantastic, man. You can't complain. Let me Atlanta fellowship, Willem youfor dish, Lana, Tennyson, mundo de now,
I can't complain about him. There's no defect in terms of his character or anything. But we haven't shed the beta. We haven't shared the bid since we are married.
He's, he's busy on the masala every night. Hold it makes Salah. And during the day fast, is going to interest in me. He's got no interest in me. So the father was not happy about this.
He let it go for some time. After that, he followed up again, he's maybe thought newly married, maybe they still getting used to each other. After some time he comes again. And he asked how is my son treating you? And she says the same thing. So he goes to the Nabhi of Allah sallallahu Sallam Subhana Allah, this is was the he did not approach his son directly. So if your son is having issues with your daughter in law, you don't approach him approach of men whom he listens to, it doesn't have to be a scholar. It can be anyone that your son looks up to, and who he will listen to. So then a bit of a loss and a lot of them summons him and calls him in his gathering. And he asked what is
the story? Anyways, cutting the long story short, he tells him for hours, it could have been haka, or up to LA, give everyone that you write, your wife also has a right over you. So
your wife also has a right over you.
And what we need to understand is women are very modest, they're implicit. They're not explicit when they want their needs to be met. So they won't say today I'm in the mood, can we? She won't say that to you.
But she'll be implicit. She'll perhaps adorn herself, or maybe one, two affectionate touches, or one, two implicit remarks. Now, you must be clever enough or astute enough to pick up the signals that she's trying to tell you indirectly. I want you to
needs also to be met,
or one needs to be met, a husband needs to respect it and understand it. And we know when the lady completes her menstrual cycle immediately after that the need is very strong.
a lady is modest in her approach. The point I'm making is that a lady also has a right to intimacy in the relationship. It's not only limited to the men, and respect each other's needs. When you respect each other's needs, you find that there's a healthy relationship, blooming and blossoming in the house, Mashallah.
Let's speak about other aspects. In this regard, what we must understand is that a healthy sexual relationship is extremely vital for a strong marriage. And one of the reasons I'm not saying the only reasons I'm saying one of the reasons for failed marriages, is because of
this department suffering in the marriage.
The one couple I was dealing with for over a year, they did not have intimate relations for over a year, and I couldn't believe it.
That's called sexual punishment. When smile, we'll put up selfies, we'll do everything our families will think everything is nice and rosy, but only we know the real relationship that we are going through it.
Over here, another couple I dealt with over six months.
But now I'm no longer surprised with this, because it's a regular occurrence. Maybe not six months, maybe not one year, but a month or two months is a very common occurrence in many people's home.
What we need to understand that when the needs are not met,
then people tend to look outside
is not to say it's justified. Remember, it's not to say that it's justified.
But generally, when the needs are not met, people are looking outside, outside in one of the following ways.
He will maybe fantasize.
So if he's got a shop, he'll be undressing ladies through his eyes and fantasizing how he can fulfill his needs with her, maybe we'll go to that extent, the wife will know nothing or the other way around. The other level is pornography.
The third level from pornography, you progress to masturbation, self pleasure. And the level after that is marital affairs. But if you look at the history of the relationship, you will realize that this department was suffering. And because it's department of suffering, it had a direct impact on the person's relationship, and therefore he was looking for outside attention. And therefore it's very important for us to understand where this fits in, in our relationship, it leads to unhappiness, frustration, and at times, even at divorce, then you see many of them, either sticking it out because there's children involved. Now Malala got three children. Now, four children, we can
call it quits,
we just carry on on the side. So we must understand that, that it is extremely vital for us to fulfill the needs of each other in the relationship.
The next aspect that we need to understand is that how the relationship deteriorates.
When husband and wife are newly married, intimacy comes naturally.
You don't have to make an effort also. In fact, every opportunity you get, you become intimate with your partner. But things start to change. The minute the firstborn or the first child comes into relationship.
And then in many homes, the relationship then suffers. You find that the many same Marana. Alhamdulillah, Allah has given us a bundle of joy. But now I'm like the second child in the house.
You know, hi, I feature like they're a bottom. And 100 I can't complain a cabinet pick. My wife is excellent. Everything she sees too, in the house and everything. Alhamdulillah as far as a mother also, as far as a wife, I can't complain. And I'll tell me, Is it wrong? If my needs are not met, I asked her. So it's when the first child comes, you find that the relationship starts to deteriorate.
What women need to understand that the needs of a man doesn't change after the child is born.
His needs are still there. And what a lady needs to understand that we live in a highly sexualized world where you are exposed to the opposite gender and vice versa. When you work in the corporate world, from the time you leave your home till the time you get home, you are bombarded with advertisements you get to see these kind of things on the net. And then you also see your co workers right or wrong, but that's the world we are living in. So when a person comes home is charged up to
When he comes to say, What can you say, I'm busy with the baby,
I haven't had the time to even comb my hair, you want to get intimate, you
know? So what a lady needs to understand that yes, Allah has blessed you with a bundle of joy. And yes, it is overwhelming. But you got to make time for your husband also, even after you become a mother, it's very important.
Yes, the husband needs to be more supportive, he needs to understand that it's no longer him only the relationship, there is a small girl or small boy. And that means your routine is out of the window, who no longer sleep eight hours, eight hours, what, it's a dream, not just your sleeping pattern, but you're shedding lots of changes, you can no longer do the things that you were doing prior to having a child. So you have to be understanding on both sides. But at the same time, you must understand that the need has to be fulfilled. And it can't become a chore or a responsibility. What used to come naturally now is a rare occasion.
And that's when the relationship suffers. A lady must make time for the husband and for the relationship. So yes, maybe one day, the week you block out your ask mommy and daddy, keep the children, you must make time, what I'm saying is that sometimes you so clinging on to your child, that you forget your husband, and his needs are not met.
What happens, communication breaks down, the husband no longer is close to his wife. For our husband, a natural de stressor is to have relations with his wife. She doesn't de stress that way. She de stresses in a different way. So they go to the point, he must be happy mowlana he must make server, you must make sugar and I'm looking after his child, we will find a wife like me, undoubtedly you won't find a wife like you. So she must understand his needs. And he must understand the dynamics of the relationship. But they must make time for one another. That's what I'm emphasizing. They must make time for each other to fulfill their needs. Don't do it as a
responsibility or Thursday night again, you know, when you do it is a responsibility or is a chore.
The relationship is still deteriorating, it still suffers.
So you, you can't work with moods. I'm not in a mood.
You're not in a mood, but you still have to do things in life. You can't stop living, can you because I'm not in a mood. I'm not gonna eat. Because I'm not in a mood. I'm not gonna go to the bathroom. Because I'm not in a mood. I'm not gonna go out to work. You can feel whatever you want. But Monday morning, you got to go to work, is it so we can't live by moods. I don't feel like I'm not in a mood. When you when the moods get in the way, remember, the relationship suffers. And the next point is that don't wait for the perfect moment. You know, we often tried it No, kids must be away. They must be no distractions. Absolutely find a serene moment, those moments don't happen.
Because even the kids away somebody's phoning or some family members of yours will never ever visit you. But that day when you are with your wife, Knock knock.
But you can't keep on pushing away intimacy nor it's not the right moment not that you'll never get the right moment. You have to create opportunities to be intimate with one another. You have to foster the love between the two of you. It doesn't happen is like a man who's standing at the ocean, you know Malala when all the waves subside when the waves are totally, I'm gonna champion it doesn't happen.
The waves will continue but you need to jump in while while the waves are there. So you've got to make time for one another despite the challenges and the responsibilities of life. Yes, we all love hectic lives. But if we don't make time for one another, the relationship will suffer.
Okay, there's two other things but let's quickly discuss it. Sometimes people are not sexually active because of medical reasons.
And if it is medical attention that you require, then you must go out for medical attention. Sometimes the testosterone levels in men is very low. So therefore he's not so active where the wife is in Marana I'm active in this man is like a cold turkey What do I do?
So if it's a medical condition,
you are also required to go and check yourself up. If the levels need to be boosted, then you need to do so. And likewise even lady also they have medication if the levels are low, there is a treatment which they undergo. The last thing I want to mention before we close off is that
when the needs are met of each other in the marriage
The other aspects of marriage also start to improve.
Now you always nagging your husband please do the laundry fold and fold. He won't be it is lazy,
but after getting in the middle for in Fall old basket in fall all basket Can you see? So you have to be patient with one another. So when you are meeting each other's needs, automatically the other departments of your marriage also start improving Mashallah. And when this department is not working and it's suffering, it has a ripple effect on every other aspect of your life. So May Allah subhanaw taala keep us all happy and smiling. Sokoloff Aaron