Channel: Fatima Barkatulla
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Assalamu alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh. And welcome back to the last episode of raising believers. I'm your host assistant Sabir, and again, I'm joined by Chaka, Fatima, barkatullah. And Bella, and in today's episode, we really want to just conclude all of the points that we've been making.
And make sure that we leave on a positive note and show that, you know, never to lose hope, which takes me to our last and final point, how important is hope? And why is it important that we don't lose hope when raising our children?
Or, you know, sometimes say to, to moms, you got to imagine that your child has a t shirt on that says, still under construction, you know, because sometimes I think parents can get a bit overdramatic, you know, when if a child makes a mistake, or if there's a bad report, come home from school, or, you know, your child, even if your child's been expelled or suspended, whatever it is, we can very easily sort of write a child off or think, where did I go wrong? You know, is there any hope? And the truth is that if we reflect on our own lives and how we were, we went through a journey, right? We were not perfect throughout our whole lives. There were times when we made big
mistakes. But then those we learned from those mistakes. And actually, the things that we went through, made us who we are today, in the same way, our children are gonna go through different things. And it's so important that the one person who never leaves loses hope is you as the mother, you as a parent, what would you say about that, and I will say that, you know, with our children, you got to look at them as a
person who is going to be
making certain choices in life, but as long as you give them the best options available to them, allow them to make certain choices, so that they can also learn and you have to remember that you make an effort. As for the outcome, it's down to Allah azza wa jal, and you have to always look at the bigger picture. And
as a parent, you have to not lose yourself in the whole process. Because when we look at the idea that we often refer to when we discuss family, when we discuss children is Dr. insalata. him, Allah says, Yeah, you're letting Amanu go and full circle, what are liquid Nowra notice here, Allah mentions, save yourselves first, and then your family. So that notion of taking care of yourself, your needs, your interests, your your righteousness first, and then your children. So I think everything is in perspective, you have to look at, and you have to realize that when you raise your child with iman, even if they lose their path for a moment for a temporary period, they will
eventually come back to what they know to be right and true to their beliefs. And that's something that is quite hopeful that Insha Allah, you know, in the process, because of, you know, pressures of friends, or because of influence of the society, they may lose their way. But no, and be hopeful that Insha Allah, whatever you raise them upon, they will eventually come back to that. And but also, you might have to stay with them, you know, like, on that you persevere. So even if they don't, they might not naturally come back, you know, of their own, don't give up and your choice, you don't get out and you don't stop engaging. You know what I mean? The door should always be open
door to mom and dad's house is always open, it's unconditional compassion, because you are their parents, and you are the ones who are going to be there for them in the good times and in the bad times. So as long as that connection is there, that safety net is there, then they will come back. And you want to be that person who catch them when they are about to fall, just like you would when as a mother seeing your little toddler, and they're about to fully go and save them. Similarly, later in their life, you know, they're going to make a mistake and some mistakes, they have to make themselves to learn you have to let your toddler forward. That's it. That's it. So they will learn
next time. You see how powerful that is that you mentioned, who emphasize
you know, it's like a parent does not want their child to go near a fire.
And we have we should have that same gut instinct for the fire of the akhira. When we see our child, you know, whatever situation they're in, we want to intervene. We want to stand in the way we want to push them out of the way right. So
That's just a natural instinct instinct that we have. So although we were saying that look, we don't have control over the results, the image that's being painted in the IRA is Do everything you can, you know, do everything you can another beautiful Hadith of the Prophet, sunnah, is, you know, Kulu Cumbre. And we're cool Luca masala and Aundrea Yachty. All of you are shepherds. And each of you is responsible for his flock, and the prophets hustle and starts with their men, right? They are the shepherd over their home, and they are responsible for their flock. And then the woman is also a shepherd s over her children and husbands property, a home and family and she is responsible my
soil, meaning Allah is gonna ask us accountable. And I think that's the thing, like, we might not be able to control the results. But be sure that there's going to be a day when Allah is going to ask us, you know, what did you do? Did you do your best? And I think that probably brings us on to the topic of, you know, perfectionism. And yeah, I think I think it's important to realize that, like you said, it's about the effort that we've put in, yeah, and that we're, we're human, as mothers, we're humans, as fathers, we're humans, and we're not perfect, we will make mistakes. And sometimes that's okay. Because we're learning at the same time, likewise, our children will make mistakes, and
inshallah they will learn. But the important message is that don't give up carry on persevere, and Allah sees that effort, you know, unless he's, you know, the, our hearts pouring out into our even if we don't get everything right every single time. Another point you mentioned on Tala about, you know, the i You mentioned about, you know, looking after yourself and saving yourself first, this really ties into the point of a lot of mothers feeling like when they do become a mother losing themselves losing their own identity. And I mean, we spoke about in one of the previous episodes, how important it is to invest your time, and, you know, give all of your attention to your children,
and especially in the early years. Now, I've spoken to countless mothers who feel like, it's a huge sacrifice, and that, when doing that they do lose their sense of self, a sense of identity and their self. So how does that fit in? Where do where do we find the balance between, you know, studying, for example, because as you know, the suffered upon us, even as women, even as mothers, finding time for ourselves, but still being there for our children's, you know, it's really important that we have a time for this and a time for that, you know, every situation that you put into has its priority, you know, and you have to give that priority it's due. And I think it's important that
you, you look at your needs, as well as your family's needs, and as well as your your extended families needs. But most importantly, everything has to come in order of priority, like your Lord has right upon you. Your body has a right upon you. And your family has a right right upon you. And you have to give each their due, right. In that sense, we have multiple identities, don't we? Yeah. So you know, this idea of losing your identity, I find that problematic. And we have to have a mindset shift, I think, you know, embrace your identity as a mother and celebrate it, and not everyone gets a chance to be a mother. Right. And, you know, it goes back to that idea that we said
of motherhood being devalued. Being a mother, raising human beings, raising the future human beings who are going to populate this world who are going to change this world is an honor. And I think we can't over state that, you know, like, we've got to embrace that as one of our identities that's so important for a lot of women in particular are struggling with embracing their identity, because it is, is an honored, it is honored in Islam, but not in society. If you look at it like investment, rather than sacrifice, that's right. When you look at investment, you know that investment is going to take a lot of time, effort and energy, because you're hoping for a greater return. And that
return is not just going to be enjoyed in here, when you pass away, provided that you've done your best to raise the believer who is going to make to offer you, you'll be reaping the rewards in your grave. So if you look at long term investment, then your attitude changes. You're not thinking like sacrifice, you're thinking No, this is like a investment that's going to give me return. So the mindset is shifted. Because the pain that's caused by, you know, it's like self grab, instant gratification. You know, we live in a time when everyone wants everything fast now, but the things that we delay gratification for why do we do that is because we know that there's going to be a pain
of regret, if we don't delay those things, right? If we don't act if we don't discipline ourselves now. And we know that there's there's also a pain and there is the pleasure of the reaping the rewards of that thing that we delayed. So in the same way, that idea of investment I think is beautiful, you know, we're investing in our children and we're going to reap
The benefit of that in the future because, you know, our children are going to be the comfort of our eyes in Sharla and lasting legacy as well. It leads me on to my next question, which is, is it possible to focus on yourself, you know, perhaps build a career, or study? Or do all of these things while having children? Is that a possibility? I mean, you know, I look to your example, for example, you, you know, masha Allah, I share her, and you were able to do that with your children. How did you do that? And, you know, when did you do that? And how does that work? Because there will be a lot of women saying, Well, you know, I want to do, you know, I don't want to just be a mother, even
though we've spoken about how important it is. But, you know, there are other things that I want to do. Just before we go to the breaking, I think we don't want to say just a mother, right? We don't want to, we want to remove that kind of vocabulary from our, from our discourse now. And you know, you're a mother, yes, you might have other talents, you might have other interests, as I did. But I think as Paul has said, there's a time for this and a time for that, when my children were very, very young. And even now, it's very clear to me what my priority is, nothing is going to get in the way I have this obligation that I have, you know, I have these children, I have a duty towards them.
I'm not going to allow anything to get in the way of that. At the same time. If I'm clever, I can find ways of, you know, making time for different things in a balanced way. And I think that's what I tried to do. And I had to look at it in the long term.
After the break, insha Allah, where we'll discuss how you actually did that.
See you after the break in sha Allah Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato wabarakatuh. And welcome back. Okay, so we were talking about how, as mothers, sometimes we feel like, we can lose ourselves when, you know, taking care of our children. And, you know, I know you said, don't use the word sacrifice, but this is how a lot of women see it sacrificing their own interests and their own lives when raising their children. Of course, you know, you said it, should we should we have to really change our mindset and look at it as an investment.
But how are some of the ways that we can still raise our children as strong pious believers, but also, you know, take care of care of and nurture ourselves? I mean, we were talking earlier about this. And I think a really, really important point you made was comparison, especially as women comparing ourselves to men? Yeah. So, you know, you were asking me, how did I continue studying and one of the things I did is stopped comparing myself to the brothers. Because, yes, you know, you see the way for example, with seeking knowledge, a brother might just whether he's married or not, whether he has many children or not, he'll he'll just carry on studying and, you know, complete
things at a very fast pace, and then move on. With me, I actually had to think, clever, you know, there were things like Arabic and other things that I wanted to learn that I learned alongside having children by building my schedule around that, you know, having things like online tutors, enrolling into classes, and going and studying with Sheoak on a part time basis, you know, sometimes I had to go into classes and negotiate studying a four year course, over seven or eight years, you know, so I was looking at the point that really hit home with me, was when you said that, your timeline, our timeline is not the same as men, a man might be able to, for example, complete
something in one year, two years, five years. Whereas we might have to take 10 years to do the same thing. But at least we you know, do that little little bit and realize that that bit is enough and good. I don't know, if you want to add anything, I'm not sure we're experiencing motherhood in the process. Right? So never feel like, again, don't compare to men, you know, you're experiencing something unique, something very, very blessed. I think also, one needs to ask them that themselves a question, and that is, whatever interests that you are trying to pursue, why do you want to pursue it? That why is very important, because that helps you to clarify your intention? Are you just going
along with whatever comes your way? Or are you actually thinking on a very deep level? Is this going to really be family friendly? Is this going to be worth my time? Is this really me? Or am I just going along with the crowd? And I think that is something that every single person needs to you know, think about, especially mothers because you have too much to kind of, you know, juggle with and I think you really have to put the money where the mouth is and it's not about just doing whatever comes your way. Sometimes saying no to something is saying yes to something else. And sometimes, I think you have to be very selective because you have to be mindful
that any choices that you make will have a ripple effect in your family life. And what you don't want to do is jeopardize your family life, because that's where you're coming back to at the end of the day, you know, and anything that disturbs that harmony, it's really not worth it, it's not worth it for you, it's not worth it for your children definitely won't be worth it for the family life. So I think, and also things work in cycles, don't they? So there are times of real intensity when your kids need you. And I would say like, those are the early years, you know, that actually, you're indispensable. You might be you're not indispensable to the world, you know, your,
to your kids. And so once we internalize that and realize that, we realize, no, you know, this is the most important thing I could be doing right now. But then children grow up, you know, things change, change, situations change, and you realize, oh, actually, now I've got a lot of time, your priorities will change accordingly, realizing the time, like you mentioned, this will go so quick. I think sometimes we again, we think about now and what we want now, and we don't look at the long term. But realizing that life is short, and the time your children are young is very, very short. And the insha, Allah, like you said, life goes in cycles. And there's a time and place for
everything, you don't have to do everything at one time. It's also precious, you know, what I mean? I really want to convey to the brothers and sisters listening, how precious that time is, you know, just like you wouldn't want to squander money, you don't want to squander those years, because your children have your ear, you have your child's ear in a way that you're never going to have your child's ear again, now that my kids are teenagers, you know, I'm not going to really have the same impact on them. But all those years when I used to tell them those stories, when I talked to them when I'm got them to do this, and that, when I had much more of an impact on them, I feel like are
now paying dividends, right? So so don't lose sight of that don't lose sight of the preciousness of that time. And then the key thing is you have to be adaptable to your circumstances, you can have your interest, like you know,
I have my interest, you know, I do different things in the community, different things in my personal time. But I'm always mindful that these commitments that I have is family friendly. So it doesn't interfere so much with my family life, that it creates chaos within me, because that's not good to anyone. And I think we have to be mindful the relationship that we have, they have certain rights upon us. And we have to fulfill these rights. So your husband and wife relationship, your parents relationship, your sibling relationship, extended family relationship. So all of these relationships, you have to be mindful when you are pursuing your different interest. And that's
something that you have to be constantly reviewing, because demands change. So therefore, priorities will change. And it's a constant work in progress, if you know what I mean. And I think as women, we have a great ability to see things before he actually takes place because we are quite emotional, and intuitive human being. So I will say trust that and follow that. You know, another another thing that I think sometimes we lose sight of when we're talking about motherhood and parenthood is how fun it is. You know what I mean? Like, sometimes we talk about it as if it's just a chore or a job. You know, putting other things aside, blah, blah, blah, enjoy it. Subhanallah I missed the days when
my kids were really little, I actually missed those I know, it's an it's hard to believe if you've got very young kids at the moment, it feels like those years last forever. But actually, I look back and I think Subhanallah I love those days, when I when I would just bake cupcakes with my daughter, or I would just do this or just go to the park have a lovely day out with them. And life was a bit more slow and a little bit more kind of meaningful, you know, and so don't don't forget to savor those years and enjoy them. You know, I remember when, when, when my son was young, I used to hear mothers in talk amongst themselves and they say, I can't wait to my son walks. And then they start
walking away to my son this. And I think why is this anticipation that? You know, I can't wait to for future but why don't we just celebrate and appreciate the presence. It's true, you know, and I think I think that's something that our Dean teaches us a lot, you know, to just be present. So when you're drinking water after you've drunk it, you appreciate you say, Alhamdulillah you just kind of paid attention to the fact that you drunk you know, and I think this is the essence of feeling that sense of fulfillment and, and that contentment that you, you seize the moment and just enjoy the presence, you know, because the future is coming and nobody knows what's going to happen in the
future. So just you know, see what you're supposed to be doing, and just be present and just just leave the rest to Elena and that's where we apply the essence of Tawakkol you know, you do your bit and let the outcome be taught by Allah azza wa jal and I
To invest, very reassuring for believers in raising the future believers 100%. I guess, like he said, it's, it's about looking at what your priorities are now. And those priorities of, you know, always changing. We have a few minutes left of the episode, Inshallah, the entire series, are there any final points each of you would like to make to conclude for our viewers, I wanted to ask you, I say, but, like, from the series, what are some of the points that have really stood out for you?
I think Subhanallah I've learned as, as a young mom, myself, you know, in that young stage, that conflicting time of, you know, trying to maybe do everything, or, you know, want to have time for myself and time for studies and time for this and time, but I think, you know, just the point that you made you both made right now about, you know,
savoring now, and the present, we live in such a fast paced moving world and realizing that tomorrow I might be dead. But you know, I might have, you know, 1020, long years to come as well, you know, only Allah knows.
But I don't want to, in 10 years time, look back and think, I wish I had spent more time with my children. I wish, you know, maybe they hadn't turned out a certain way at this point. So I think, you know, for me that really, really hit home. And especially just the importance of motherhood in general.
And embracing it. Yeah. And enjoying it, you know, finding that joy in motherhood, I think a lot of mothers, especially young moms, maybe have forgotten to enjoy, do look at it as a chore.
But yeah, I'm Paula Do you have any final points, I will say, you know, motherhood or raising believers should be seen, like a journey. And when you go on a journey, you will have your good times, your bad times, your sad times, your happy times. But remember one thing, if in that journey, you stick close to Allah and His guidance, then doesn't matter what happens, you will be in good hands, because you will be you know, leading, you know, in the best way, you know, even if the outcome is not the way you desire, it is the way Allah designed for you. So you can only be the best you know, so I think having that is quite reassuring, because it gives you that sense that
ultimately we are not in control. Allah is in control. And that gives us a bit of like a relief, because that's where we put our belief into practice and safeguard that Allah Masha.
Yeah, and I would say, Look, do your best, you know, do your best with our children. We're not born with a manual with instructions. But the Quran and Sunnah have given us a lot of things that we can be getting on with right to, as I said, stack the deck in our favor when it comes to seeking to raise believers. So that might mean as a parent, you know, as Donna said, throughout that journey of parenthood, adjusting your strategy, sometimes changing your strategy asking other parents who are more experienced asking your own parents, you know, believe it or not, they know what they're talking about. They've been through it right. Like asking elders asking mentors. And I think, read
it, I want to reiterate, family is like a project. You know, sometimes we put so much effort into every other project, and we treat it with such you know, attention, make family final, your final project. That's all we have time for for this series. JazakAllah. So, so much it's been an honor having you both and you know, having this fruitful discussion. I hope that everybody benefits from this May Allah accept it from all of us and from you. Assalamu alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh