81 – What wives and husbands really want from each other

Faaik Gamieldien

Channel: Faaik Gamieldien

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Episode Transcript

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How do we learn to understand you know who wants to be here?

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When we learn him in Cerulean fujinami sejahtera Marina de la philomel de la la, la la de la, la la la la la la la la sharika wanna shadow? modern art widow rasuluh Salatu was Salam O Allah, Allah Allah He was heavy woman da da ot he la medium abide. Beloved brothers and sisters in Islam and salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato. allows for high notarization hola Quran for that care for in the vichara tense are all meaning. So the color or the

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Allah says and remind the Muslims were widely in reminding the Muslims there is great benefit.

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Last week, I indicated that I was going to speak about the relationship between husband and wife. And particularly, I was going to speak about what women want from their husbands and what husbands want from the wives basically, that is going to be the thrust of my talk in Sharla today,

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and I will concentrate

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on the primary emotion or the primary need

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that husbands want from the wives. And similarly, the primary need or emotion, that y's one from the husband. And this talk, I think is extremely important in the times in which we live, when most things in marriage are premised upon material things and the accumulation of material wealth.

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And the accumulation of material things and the accumulation of material wealth has led to of course, the downgrading of particularly the role that allows waha Natal as described to the woman, which is the role of a homemaker

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and a mother and a wife.

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But before I begin with my topic here this afternoon,

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I want to say that allows Bahama tala is prefaced

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the relationship between husband and wife

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on a verse in the Holy Quran, verse 56, of Surah Al e Imran, which is a third sort of electron, we our last partner says, while a cell jackaroo can

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allow the premises the relationship of husband and wife upon this very short verse of the Quran, very few words of the Quran where Allah says, and the man is not like the woman, so upon Allah only allows for how to describe the relationship between husband and wife in these few words. And the few words is that man is not like the woman, or the words men are different from women, allows fathers decreed in his divine judgment, to make men different from women. And the Nabi sallallahu. wasallam

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emphasizes and says, in a manly Sasha equal region, in them and the cell Valley women are the two and a half of men. Women are the two and a half of men, as if they are twins, meaning men, women, compliment with women, women compliment men, women are the complementary halves of men. Without women, men cannot exist no survive, and without men, women cannot exist and survive. We know as I said last week that there was a movement, it started in the 60s and burned itself out somewhat in the 70s, namely, called the feminist movement. And the feminist movement is the movement that led to the spike in divorces throughout the world, whether it be in the Muslim world, or the non Muslim

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world. And that is what the feminist movement came to preach was a complete equality between men and women, that men and men and women were completely equal. They were equal in that they could do the physical things men could do, they could. In the Soviet Union, they drove buses and trains way before other countries and

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trucks and children and so on. So there was this equality movement, not equitable equality in the 60s and 70s. Now, because this movement, the feminist movement has failed completely,

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in terms of the destruction that it caused in the relationship between men and women, and also particularly in the destruction of the family unit.

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New research in the 90s and the and the 20th century, 21st century, new research is trying

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Now to reclaim the damage that was done by the feminist movement in the 60s and 70s.

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New new a new

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evaluation is being done

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in the west

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of this relationship between a husband and wife.

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And of course,

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no matter what we do, and how many philosophy, philosophers, we start philosophies, we start like the feminist movement. The basic nature of men and women cannot be changed the way allows for other creative.

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It's impossible to change the basic nature of men and women because our last one was created as differently. The Quran and the Sunnah are full of references of the different roles that men and women play in life

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and in society.

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So it is not just a matter of comparing men with women, you can't do that. You can't compare apples with peaches, and we know this.

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So we can't compare men with women,

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allows Wagner created men, and gave men a role that is appropriate

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for men, and allows wonderla gave women and created women gave him the row that is appropriate for women to fulfill in the world. And we all know that ask any child that child will tell you, this is the function that my mother performs. And he will tell you this, these are the functions that my father performs. And when the man starts acting like a woman, and a woman starts acting like a man, what happens?

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Sorry, when a man acts like a man, and a woman acts like a woman, what happens?

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Family flourishes,

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society flourishes, children flourish, and therefore the whole of the Obamas or Salaam flourishes.

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But when a man tries to act like a woman, and a woman tries to act like a man, what happens, both of them fail,

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society will fail. And the oma will fail, because we ascribe roles to them, and give them jobs that is not in keeping with a feminine nature.

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And so Islam, our religion, Islam is very simple. And very straightforward. It says, while he says that Kuru

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that man is not like women. So what is it that Ben wants from a woman? What is it that the husband wants from his wife?

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What is the primary if the primary emotion

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that the husband wants from his wife?

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According to modern psychologists, who've done studies on this one, I mentioned this last week.

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And of course, we talk about what the Quran and the Sunnah, says about this, and about these findings later.

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They say that psychologists of today say that the primary emotion

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that a man wants from his wife is that a very strict says if you if you look at every single emotion, and every single need that a husband has the primary need,

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that a husband has in terms of his wife is he wants respect, because it's always there's two ways there's two ways but that emotion of the husband was most from his wife is that of respect.

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When a wife shows respect to a husband, the husband reciprocate

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and what is the primary need of the wife? What is it that the wife wants in the relationship in a marriage? What is

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the primary need in emotion that the wife wants in relationship for the husband is continual love, not just love, not just the first happiness, I love you. And that's it. No, the wife wants to be to be reassured continuously throughout the marriage, whether she the marriage is 40 years old, 50 years old, 60 years old.

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This is what women want. This is what the wife saw. And they want continual, continual attention and we'll come back to the love and attention what it really means for a woman

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and that the husband always makes the wife his first priority in his life after life while you get married.

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So the husband should always show the wife

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that he cares about her that he loves her.

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And that he reiterated not only in terms of praise

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And flowers and giving her a home and a new car. But it also says to her from time to time that I love you.

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Some men can't say this, they only said when they're alone before they get married. Unfortunately, the day they get married,

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they say, Well, you know, we married now, I have to tell you, that is the beginning of the breakdown of the marriage.

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So the husband through his continual love and respect and love and, and caring for her, What is he saying to her, I will always love you because this is what marriage is about. This is what a long term relationship is. It's about love. Because that is what everybody wants your children wanted. Even your pets wanted. your brothers, your sisters, your mother, your father. That is the premise of love. That's what allows for having a toddler.

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When he finally sent the final message to the world, he sent a messenger called habibollah he sent a messenger which he called

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the Beloved of Allah.

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So we live in an age of love, not the love that the hippies brought us in the 16th the flower people here love the Council of Allah subhanahu wa Tada. So,

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we know now that the husband wants this respect, when he gets the respect, what does he do? He gives what the wife wants from him, and what is the wife want from him, she wants to feel loved. She wants to feel cherished, she always want to think that he cares for me.

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And when the wife is loved, by a husband like this, she reciprocates by showing respect for him

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the respect which he deserves, and the respect which allows him to handle it gives him in the Holy Quran.

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So what does respect mean? We say respect respect, what does it mean? What does respect mean? Does respect mean the wife has to kiss her husband's hands or feet every time he comes from work or sees what does it mean?

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Unless we know the real meaning of love and respect, it will just be mere words empty words, empty words respect. So what is respect?

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Let us begin by looking at the Quran. What does the Quran say?

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What does the Quran say when the Quran talks about the reality of respect? The Quran says in Surah Nisa Soran the women, the first surah in the Quran, verse 34, allows partners is our religion, our Muna Allah and Misha

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comunale. So what does it mean? Allah? Is that men, other co worker of the women are Angelou, Mona Lisa, men as a word of women. What does it mean? It means to be in charge that men allows fatherless placement in charge of women.

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This is of course the literal meaning of the of the word Kawan.

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Kawan also means the one who takes key original comunale displays the mandate to take care of the women.

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So what do we say what does the band say I put I bought her house I gave her a car got a roof over her head she's got a desk raises in the cupboard more than she needs. What more does she want?

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This is the typical reaction of a typical husband

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means to be in charge and Khawaja means

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it also means to show respect to them.

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If you look after you care for her, you've taken on and as I always say

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marriage is not an equal relationship.

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Marriage

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is a trust.

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A woman a wife is a trust. It's an Amana which allows for husbands given to the husband

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and a man or a trust

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any we have that from

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the Quran and Sunnah.

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So many genovesa salam refers to your wife as an Amana a trust

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and the Quran and the Hadith speaks about

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coming back to the term respect. What is respect mean? And I refer to this last week. When was Ebony Java?

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Rob de la noir dog came from a trip to Syria

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and the into the magic another week and he prostrated himself in front of the Navy. So a lot of solo. prostrate means he went down, put his head down on the ground in in a position of sujood.

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And then evisa salaam was shocked when he saw this.

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He said to my eyes, what are you doing? What is

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This Who told you to prostrate in front of me?

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Why are you doing this fourth reason and he replied to the Rasul Allah, I've just come back from Syria. And I found the people of Syria prostrating to the rabbis and the priests and the Empress and the kings.

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And I said to myself, when I returned to Medina, I'm going to prostrate to you because of all the people in the world you deserve frustration most.

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You reserve the frustration of men the most because of your position in the eyes of Allah subhanho wa Taala and what is the Prophet say to him?

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The Prophet said

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and this is a very famous Hadith and as I said last week misuses honey sometimes.

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But we have I have to tell you the hurry as I said last week, I cannot apologize for the Navy Salam said this was my job here to second guess the teachings of the Navy Salalah

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it's my job only to convey these teachings to you whether you like it or whether you don't like it or whether I like it or whether I don't like it doesn't matter if I don't do that. And I've said this to you over and over again if I don't convey the teachings of Islam to you then I'm not worthy of standing in the position where I'm standing here today.

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So that is a solemn says to him.

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That

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allows the habitat is forbidden.

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one human being to prostrate to another human being a lot of spiders made it haram

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because we ignore this.

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We see it today. We see. We see we see worse than that happening today. We see people prostrate prospecting to the dead, nevermind the living worsen. You go here to a baby or you go to

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wherever you go, do you see people not putting the forests on the grave, prostrating to the dead?

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And the worst of that is that some of the alama they justify it?

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Are they justified in what they say? Now they do and they say why not? Why can't you prostrate put your head on top of grave he has an average salary as a living prophet. He was the highest of creation of Allah subhanaw taala he tells us allows founders made haram forbidden one man to prostrate to another man

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by the name is a solemn says and I gave you this example I said I'm told this man. But if Allah subhanaw taala would have made a concession

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if Allah boundless

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and made a concession, he would have allowed me Salim said, No, I hadn't. And yes, Julia had in the amount to monitor and test to the result Germany either me happy Alia, let me see. If I had commanded or ordered someone to prostrate to someone else, I would have commanded the wife to go straight to her husband, Liang, I'm happy Allah because of the rights that the husband has over the wife. But as I said last week, proper said if he didn't say a wife must prostrate to a hospital. But this shows, what is it tell us? It tells us the amount of respect

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that a wife has to have for the husband.

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And when I look at the way that our mothers, our fathers, and their mothers treated their fathers,

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and we look at the longevity of the relationships.

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Today, most people were married for life.

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So because of that kind of respect.

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So what does it mean for the wife, wife to respect the husband? And what does it mean for the husband to show love

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to his wife, and I referred you last week to a book, which was repeated.

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And this book is written by self proclaimed reformed. As I said last week, feminist name is Laura Boyle, or Doyle, I think stoia Laura Dortch. She wrote a book, she's a feminist. And she was married maybe three or four times I think three times all marriages failed.

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And eventually she decided she was going to change the velocity at the fourth marriage, she decided she was going to change our way of life. She wasn't going to change the philosophy.

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And she wrote a book about this change called the surrendered wife. And as I said last week, this book can be downloaded. From the internet. You can read it

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too.

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Said she trashed this whole thing about yourself to be equal to my husband. And you know, if he has friends, I must reference if he does that I must whatever he does animals do. We escort him he takes our mistake. And now if he works, I want to work. He spends his money in a certain way I want to spend my money in a certain way. This happens today. Today, marriages Hang on, by by the skin of the teeth. Marriages hang on by the skin of the teeth. The reason for this is because of the feminist feminism that has gone wrong, I want to be like my husband. This is equality. I want to do what he does.

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One idea is to babysit, I go out next IDs, he babies is an algo.

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The whole ot level.

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And she says, having changed her philosophy, she's never been happier in her entire life.

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This feminist white woman feminist. She says you got a loving husband. She's got a great marriage. And she's been now married for over a decade of more than a decade and now happily married.

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And what does she say?

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It's a non Muslim woman.

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She says when the wife shows respect for the husband,

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and how she shows respect for her husband, number one when she trusts him.

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Number two, when she shows him and has confidence in him, that he will care for her.

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And amazingly, she says, when a wife shows this competence in a man or in a husband, he seems to succeed in what he does.

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Because of this is fake whatever the husband does, she says he seems to just succeed me with everything he does.

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When she lets go of power and control, you know women sometimes they want to control the husband,

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husband, when she starts trying to be the boss and subsequent to dominate, when she stops doubting him, and second guessing him

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and stops manipulating him

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and South respecting him and allows him to be who he is our moon Awad, the person in charge of the marriage, he flourishes, he flourishes. He begins to show a compassion. This is what she says.

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He begins to show her love. He begins to admire for what she is and who she is.

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And when he becomes a man,

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through the way she treats him, he makes her become the woman she wants to be.

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So, what is required? What is the man want, he wants respect from the wife for his knowledge, and his judgment?

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Many women always second guess their husbands. And I'll give you an example. Just know.

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When she doesn't, she shows him respect. When she doesn't doubt him.

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Like for example, many women make their husbands feel intelligent, they really know what they're talking about.

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And that slowly eats at the marriage of each other.

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In other words, she says, Don't treat your husband like a child.

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And a classic example is happens all the time

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as when he's driving.

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And the wife thinks he's going in the wrong he's he's going in the wrong direction he

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you know the example.

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So she says to him, Oh, you know what? You've just missed the off ramp.

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fetishizes What's wrong with you? You know, just missed off ramp, you know, we're gonna be late, you know,

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you should have exited the at the off ramp.

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So, what does that mean? Now what what happens in this? What happens now you as the new normal token, but what happens down

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azmin says, I'm driving the car, and you keep quiet. I know I'm doing Don't worry. I know. I'm going well. He's a nice husband. He won't use the words that normal husbands use. You'll say, don't worry.

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I know where I'm going. Now. Leave me alone, don't worry. And then the other husband will say something else

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in Afrikaans.

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So what has happened here?

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What has happened here is that the wife has doubted her husband's sense of being in charge

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by what she's saying you know you're supposed to be in charge but you know you're really not in charge you know you you didn't know where you're going.

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She double guesses he sense of responsibility that his wife in the car maybe his family members in the car is responsible for them and now he's going off the rails is going completely in another in a different direction.

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So what happens when your husband is challenged?

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What happens when the wife challenges the husband?

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He becomes argumentative

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and plain Africans Allah Buchan Pascal just because he missed the turn of

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the argument begins comes down to as when becomes argumentative

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this is point number two but it's point number one point number two is

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what should ask what should the wife have done she shouldn't have left him

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she should have left him to make the mistake that he obviously didn't make willfully he made a mistake so what she should have done is she should have let him not act like a raider have a say in every man's car with is a web is a radar

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because the wife says radar radar radar

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so what she what what what what what should she have done as the wife

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he makes a mistake

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leaving

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leaving

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after all he's not going to try to she has to go to panorama isn't gonna darlin lined up in Port Elizabeth, I mean, obviously is going to take the next offer is gonna eventually get there.

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Let him make his own mistakes and let him correct his own mistakes.

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Because

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if you correct his mistakes for him, you never hear the end of it. He will remind you in 10 years time of what happened when he missed the off ramp going to wherever he was going.

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You know what I'm talking about? Isn't it? All of you look as if you really know what I'm talking about. I mean, really strikes, it strikes, something in your mind knows that is exactly. So don't become like his mother.

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There is

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no man wants to be married to his mother, or to a motherly figure

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allows mom that has given us mothers and mothers that privileges they can tell you because you have don't do this and don't

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know why strange one cocktail husband, don't do this and don't do that and don't drive you you know, you stupid and etc, etc, etc. Alhamdulillah sponsors given us madness Alhamdulillah. And mothers have those privileges, the wife doesn't have the privilege to lecture to a husband. That's not the privilege of a wife that is allowed only for Mother's Mother's Day privileges that doesn't extend to the daughters in law.

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So you can't say well, your mother shouted you afternoon on those probably stop at mother's you can't say while he was daughter in law, you also need to extend that privilege over your over your husband.

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So if he misses the exhibits, and you keep quiet, I can guarantee you he'll never miss the exit again in his life. But if you distract him, and shout at him and tell him how stupid he is, etc, etc. You'll always miss that exit. Because the next time I tell you remember the last time you shouted me, I forgot where the exit was. I still forget where the exit is. So you let your husband make a mistake.

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If you're quiet Alhamdulillah no big deal. What's the big deal?

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If you're gonna be 10 minutes late, you know, we're 10 minutes late. In any case, we are Muslim and we are always late. I mean, so what's what's the

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point on the back is

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about respect. Third point is trustees capability.

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Trust the capacity of your husband to do the things he says he's going to do.

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If he wants to tackle a project, if you want to do something, even if you doubt that he's going to do it properly, leave it

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and a typical example as I mentioned last week,

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is the leaking cat example. You never leave in leaking capital. So the tap has been leaking for a while. And you know, get a plumber who charges you 250 grand to come and look at the tap and another 300 then fix the tap. So one day you see your husband coming into the kitchen with a

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pliers and the toolbox, you know? So he's going to fix that.

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So what does the wife do? She says very sarcastically, you can fix the tap.

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Excuse me? Are you Mashallah you're gonna fix the tap?

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What have you just done as the wife? What have you just done?

00:30:23--> 00:30:24

You have

00:30:27--> 00:30:30

taken his Eagle. And he didn't take a pin and just

00:30:32--> 00:30:36

pinch it with your pin. Now you took a knife and you put it into him and you turn the knife.

00:30:38--> 00:30:50

Thanks, what you've just done as a wife. And I'm going to be very frank here. And I the secret that I'm going to divulge of all the men in this room in this budget, including myself.

00:30:52--> 00:30:53

And that is that

00:30:56--> 00:31:07

men have big egos. All men have big egos, you know, big big egos. Main thing they are God's gift to the world, not only to women.

00:31:10--> 00:31:11

And I'm saying this because

00:31:13--> 00:31:18

this is about marriage and about the way we should conduct ourselves in a successful marriage.

00:31:21--> 00:31:26

So these men come with big egos Mashallah Baraka Allah, nice, nice big egos.

00:31:28--> 00:31:32

And for the wife, if she tries to diminish this ego in any way,

00:31:34--> 00:31:50

she will hurt his male pride. So she comes into the kitchen. And he's got all this big intention with a toolbox in the one hand, and you know, the I mean, the other end and he is not going to fix the leaking tap. And what does she do she hurt his ego by telling him really.

00:31:52--> 00:31:53

So

00:31:55--> 00:32:01

what you should do is, as a wife, you should foster his ego, mess out his ego, his ego a little bit.

00:32:03--> 00:32:05

And what will it give you an attorney love in return?

00:32:06--> 00:32:11

And that's what he wants in that's what you want. That's what she wants to know, what do you want? Let me tell you something else.

00:32:14--> 00:32:20

If a husband takes on a project, no matter what kind of project and we'll use the word thing he's gonna succeed or not.

00:32:22--> 00:32:30

If you actually encourage him, you'll find that he becomes a Superman and he actually does the job well, you'll actually fix the tablet won't do again.

00:32:32--> 00:32:42

But if you're sarcastic about it, that tape will never be fixed, he will put the two dogs down on his jacket and say, Salaam Alaikum. And 10 weeks into the tape will not be fixed.

00:32:44--> 00:32:46

Let your man make the mistakes.

00:32:49--> 00:33:05

And a man has been both like that bow Santanna, you will make a mistake and he will make it over and over and over until he perfects and does the thing, right? Men are like that. They want to prove that they can do something they find once they file again, they'll file again and they try for them and they'll succeed.

00:33:07--> 00:33:23

And if you diminish his ego, you cause problems in his heart for you. You won't say it. So I mean, of course I'm very vocal and they'll fall, swearing and shouting, some men will keep it inside the heads. Men are like that big egos like small children very easily. Sorry, man.

00:33:28--> 00:33:37

And for the one, okay, I'm talking all about that the wife inshallah we'll talk about the main as well, later on. When you speak to your husband, you must choose your words very carefully.

00:33:38--> 00:33:39

Two things you must choose carefully.

00:33:41--> 00:33:45

You must choose your words carefully and choose the tone of your voice carefully.

00:33:47--> 00:33:49

You look at this guy's a lot of experience.

00:33:52--> 00:33:52

I have

00:33:55--> 00:33:57

been I'm still married, hungry.

00:33:59--> 00:34:02

tone of your voice woman and the words you choose.

00:34:04--> 00:34:07

And you know what man was complaining about? nag.

00:34:09--> 00:34:24

Wife negs? What is it? What is nagging? When a wife when someone says my throat neck side of your neck? I'm telling you if I get older, she's gonna start nagging. What is actually saying she's she disrespects me. That's what he's saying. She does. She doesn't show respect to me.

00:34:27--> 00:34:28

And if we go back to the leaking tab,

00:34:29--> 00:34:54

she will go on to say, you know, if he didn't fix it and say, Ah, you know, another week has gone past you haven't fixed it another week compounds and she'll say, you know, when are you going to fix it? The wife who is whose core intelligence she will say to us, Well, look, I know your foot. You know, you work very hard at work and you come home and you're tired, but you just find some time, you know, over a weekend, maybe you know, to to fix a step Finally, you know, in other words,

00:34:55--> 00:35:00

advice to the wife is if you complain, don't you

00:35:00--> 00:35:01

Use the word you.

00:35:04--> 00:35:09

Example, the wife will come and say, you don't do you didn't do this and you didn't do that and you

00:35:11--> 00:35:13

what we should what I should do is use the word ay.

00:35:15--> 00:35:15

ay.

00:35:16--> 00:35:20

How does he argue is the word I want to complain? Give an example.

00:35:24--> 00:35:26

The husband comes home late from work.

00:35:27--> 00:35:31

He walks in by the door, the first thing the wife says is

00:35:32--> 00:35:48

now Where do you come from? Now? She's a come from work. So she's the Why did you phone me? Why did you call me You should have known me. Because at the end of the night, in the conversation, it goes way beyond what it's supposed to go.

00:35:50--> 00:35:56

Well, first of all, she knows it wasn't what she does. He sometimes comes home late. But now she's in this mood. And she says, actually,

00:35:59--> 00:36:01

I'll teach you if they wives here today.

00:36:02--> 00:36:07

Maybe the husband comes back and teach their wives this, I'll teach you a phrase that the wife should use.

00:36:09--> 00:36:16

That he will never the husband will never ever again, not phone when it's late coming from work.

00:36:18--> 00:36:21

What must she say? She must say, honey.

00:36:23--> 00:36:24

You didn't call me.

00:36:26--> 00:36:28

I was worried about you.

00:36:30--> 00:36:43

Not you and you and you know she's hiding. He didn't. I was worried about immediately he was stroking his ego telling him You the man, you in charge, you are protected. And I was worried about you.

00:36:45--> 00:36:52

Know, you, you and you and you know, I was worried. I was concerned about I was worried about

00:36:53--> 00:36:57

it. I don't want to put him on such a guilt trip. He'll go to the moon and come back to your cell.

00:37:01--> 00:37:14

Phone. When you know things happen today. So many things happened today. She's right, you know, and you'll never you're always in phones. Are you okay? You will always come back and say what she's worried about. I have to tell her I'm okay. I'm safe. You know, because we live in a very dangerous world today.

00:37:16--> 00:37:17

And

00:37:18--> 00:37:19

that is our

00:37:24--> 00:37:27

a wife should complain. For example, if a husband shouted at his wife.

00:37:28--> 00:37:31

So what does the wife do? 50 years later.

00:37:32--> 00:37:42

She'll say, remember, he shouted me that time you remember the words that you use, and she'll quote you exactly the words you said BXYW said he remember what you said remember?

00:37:47--> 00:37:50

She should What should she say? She should say? You know

00:37:52--> 00:38:01

I felt hurt when you said that? Don't say use swore at me and use it those words to me to the iPhone, you know, I felt hurt.

00:38:05--> 00:38:09

So you make him feel wow, you know, shouldn't do this again, throws your men

00:38:11--> 00:38:13

so women should act as women.

00:38:16--> 00:38:20

You know, they tell you about this, this man on a white horse.

00:38:21--> 00:38:30

Man on the white horse. It comes with a damsel in distress, you know, saves her, picks her up while he's riding his horse and puts her on and he goes off into the sunset.

00:38:31--> 00:38:36

But your husband will only become your knight in armor. If you become a damsel in this race.

00:38:39--> 00:38:46

You must show him that you're the damsel in distress, you hurt when he shouts at you. You want him to fall when he comes because you're worried about him.

00:38:49--> 00:38:50

This is our relationship.

00:38:51--> 00:38:53

So and

00:38:54--> 00:38:59

very important to the wife never caca joke about your husband's capabilities in public.

00:39:01--> 00:39:05

Tommy would like to do this nearly detrimental to your marriage. Never say

00:39:07--> 00:39:13

now, you know, he tried to fix the tap and you know what happened? He broke the pipe in and the kitchen was full of water, whatever.

00:39:18--> 00:39:21

Always praise your husband in front or in public.

00:39:23--> 00:39:24

For example.

00:39:25--> 00:39:28

So this question comes up in which husbands wash dishes

00:39:30--> 00:39:32

or changes the nappy at home.

00:39:34--> 00:39:37

So your husband washed the dishes once last year in 2013.

00:39:39--> 00:39:47

So you wasn't say Well, you know what? He Oh, he wasn't he just once in I think it was 2013 in front of all friends and family.

00:39:50--> 00:39:59

What you should rather say is no my husband also washes dishes. He washes the dishes. Many times when you wash the dishes, I guarantee you the next day is gonna wash the dishes Why?

00:40:00--> 00:40:03

Because you praised him, you said something nice about it in public.

00:40:06--> 00:40:13

Oh, he changed it maybe once when you were married, like for two weeks, I mean, not two weeks after the first baby was born and after that he left it, you know?

00:40:15--> 00:40:16

So you as

00:40:17--> 00:40:24

my husband changes that is whether it's a truth or not, but you praise. positive encouragement is what men want to cut these big egos you know, Mashallah.

00:40:26--> 00:40:28

So you positively encourage him

00:40:30--> 00:40:37

be the damsel in distress, and he will become to you that the knight in armor and the brothers

00:40:40--> 00:40:42

What about your husbands? What about them?

00:40:44--> 00:40:49

And as I said, the wives want to feel loved. That's just how life is.

00:40:53--> 00:40:54

And they want to be reassured.

00:40:58--> 00:41:05

Not like the wife will say, his eyes will say, you know, university will love me and she will say, Well, you know, I said it once. And if it changes, I'll let you know.

00:41:08--> 00:41:09

It doesn't change.

00:41:10--> 00:41:16

I won't let you know one day if I don't live in my house. I don't love it, but don't expect me. No, that's what the husband will say.

00:41:18--> 00:41:21

But for wives, they want you to say I love you.

00:41:23--> 00:41:34

And it's amazing what those three words can do to a relationship. Amazing. I know because I counsel people I get people to sit in front of me in office and I say to the asmin in front of me tell you tell you why.

00:41:36--> 00:41:38

And after he says he loves

00:41:41--> 00:41:41

you

00:41:47--> 00:41:55

and He will see a body language will make a cringe because she's not used to this but it's not because that's what that what needs to be done.

00:41:57--> 00:42:08

How was always want to be feel number one, they always they must never be a number two, I'm not saying there has been a mentor. But you always want to feel like they are the center of your life.

00:42:10--> 00:42:31

And I caught just a bunch of flowers which cost you what 50 bucks. Which are the costs make them feel or what about a box of chocolate 50 bucks. You know, you put people in you say to the guy put 300 and peterlin put 500 pixels expensive. So you buy buy buy a bunch of flowers, then my chocolates make a fact she doesn't want to be fat.

00:42:39--> 00:42:39

And

00:42:45--> 00:42:50

at least show appreciation for what she does. If she makes a nice meal say

00:42:53--> 00:43:13

don't be like the man who who and I tell this joke before now you know say chef, tell the joke say before last 30 years you've been doing the same jet but the you know the moral of the story. This man was he never say to his wife you know you cook nice and you make nice food. So one day his friend came to eat at the house and the friend said to his wife

00:43:15--> 00:43:20

you know Fatima thank you very much you know your food was nice. So he looked at his friend and he said to his when he says no

00:43:22--> 00:43:23

I never

00:43:24--> 00:43:29

I never do you mustn't spoiled and Miriam wasn't telling me they might just cook and the food might just be nice.

00:43:33--> 00:44:06

So after the husband changed his mind, he said no, no, no man, I must tell my wife at least once you know that. She makes nice he traveled him his content troubled him You know? So he thought that today I'm going to go home and inshallah after the whatever might what they were told it doesn't matter what I'm going to say to my wife today. Mashallah, sweetheart, honey, you know, the food is lovely. So it goes over there and he can't wait. You know, he's finished it quickly. And his wife comes with a tea and he says, darling, Mashallah, honey, the food is exclusive to me. You're an exclusive cook. The food is just wonderful today. And the face drops,

00:44:07--> 00:44:13

drops, like my face is dropping and face drops. And she says to him for that we're in a busy coastal state. But that's the

00:44:20--> 00:44:25

today the neighbors in the food today. You said the food is nice. I cook the food for the last 30 years.

00:44:26--> 00:44:31

So you should be careful also, you make your you should be careful when you say that the food is nice.

00:44:33--> 00:44:36

And never forget. And this men always do this. They forget the anniversary.

00:44:38--> 00:44:41

And this is not about celebrating anniversaries. It's about remembering.

00:44:42--> 00:44:52

It's about remembering. And it's not about remembering the day. Not about the are we married for 29 or 30 or 40 Oh no, it's about attention.

00:44:53--> 00:44:56

tabaci now on that they get special attention.

00:45:00--> 00:45:08

You know, this is what I've always complained and they see me they're always complaining about this, every single wife will come with the same complaint share, right next date for me.

00:45:10--> 00:45:35

No time for me. And ours as this look at time either looks at Time, time and watch. You say, Well, what I sleep eight hours next to you every night. I mean, the mornings are good work. I'm there at night when I am at least 10 hours rasping with you. You know? What? Just thinking about time, you know? What's this thing I don't spend time with you. For women, time doesn't mean watch time for a man time is watch time for a woman. Time means attention.

00:45:37--> 00:45:54

She wants your undivided attention. Not we get 100 seconds with 10 other people. And then he speaks down to his brother or his friend. There is no communication between husband and wife. No. Women want undivided quality time and quality attention.

00:45:56--> 00:46:00

And you know, there's another thing that we even do that men don't like. And that is

00:46:02--> 00:46:04

they say the wife always complains.

00:46:06--> 00:46:13

danessa de tener Sendai danessa de Denis children limit the money then the roof, there is this dentists that

00:46:15--> 00:46:16

it's not that they complain.

00:46:18--> 00:46:46

All they want you to do is to listen to their problem. They don't want solutions from you. All they want you to do is to sit down and sit quietly. And listen. We can't even do that. Stop complaining to soldiers up I've seen psychiatrists managed to keep me no matter how many doctors and seekers you know, speak to your children and I'm tired of listening to you. That's not what she she doesn't want because you think when he comes with a problem again, I don't have any solutions.

00:46:49--> 00:47:06

I can't you know, maybe you should see somebody housing specialist in this field of complaint. All she wants you to do is sit down and say, okay, darling, what is it that you want to speak from within minutes and crime between she wants to speak for 15 minutes or 10 minutes, she wants to cry and sob and do everything that what she what she just wants your

00:47:07--> 00:47:26

attention, not solutions attention. So May Allah give each other we learned something from this lecture today. Remember what I said. And you know, you can tweak this to your own environment. And don't just follow the advice that I gave you. I mean, tweak this to an environment, but it's important for wives to know

00:47:27--> 00:47:28

that

00:47:30--> 00:47:56

more than the good food that you make. And then I suppose as ekushey says that you make more than that. What men want from women is respect, and vice versa. And what women want from men, for men to know this is to be reaffirmed, there's a special place in your life. A woman always wants to know, special place and always tell her how cinci is no matter if she picked up 10 kilos in Ramallah

00:47:58--> 00:48:21

because, you know, women compare themselves to other women, men don't do that men doesn't matter. This is James he doesn't change isn't either. He's not saying look so natural tomorrow. I know, men don't but women do that. We will always compare the dress and the way they look to other women. And they always want to be acknowledged by their husbands. Oh, it's a nice dress, though, you know.

00:48:27--> 00:48:36

But women always want to know that for their husbands, they're beautiful, even if they are 95 years old, for their husband, they owe because

00:48:37--> 00:49:03

they want to know whether husband sees the inner beauty that she has. Because the outer beauty goes that lovely girl goes all that nice face and that includes it is the inner beauty that the wife wants her husband to acknowledge very important. So inshallah allows for that a gift that we learn from this and we follow Of course, the example of the prophets are a lot harder to set up and his wife and just finally, I shall do outline how you know.

00:49:06--> 00:49:07

I just like

00:49:10--> 00:49:17

very stubborn wife, very argumentative wife, young wife, you know, young women are like that. So never take away young wife when you're old.

00:49:18--> 00:49:21

You won't be able to to bear it too much.

00:49:22--> 00:49:23

She one day she hated me. So

00:49:24--> 00:49:25

tell me how

00:49:27--> 00:49:28

do you love me?

00:49:29--> 00:49:41

Give it to him to help. How do you love explain. Describe for me your love to me. See women they want to be reassured all the time. So now someone said milotree is like a

00:49:42--> 00:49:53

like a rope with a knot in the middle. You know that you can't undo. The sting is always kept tight, the rope is tight and the knot in the middle cannot be undone.

00:49:55--> 00:50:00

That problem very poetic was very romantic. So what

00:50:00--> 00:50:05

could she say so what you did was every time that an argument you say and how's that not today?

00:50:08--> 00:50:18

And the Prophet would reply all every time the same time. That not is still as tight as it is not unwanted Fallout Allah Allah wa salam aleikum wa rahmatullah Tanaka.