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Dynamics of Marriage – Episode 4

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Edris Khamissa

Channel: Edris Khamissa

Series:

Episode Notes

Choosing your Spouse
Tips for a Happy Married Life

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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Topic 10 choosing your spouse loving the home. If I live in a house of spotless beauty, with everything in its place, but have no love, I am a housekeeper, not a homemaker. If I have time for waxing, polishing and decorative achievements, but have no love, my children learned cleanliness, not godliness. Love leaves the dust in search of a child's love. Love smiles at the tiny fingerprints on newly cleaned window love wipes away the tears before it wipes up the spilled milk. Love picks up the child before it picks up the toys. Love is present through the trials, love reprimands reproves and is responsive. Love crawls with the baby walks with the toddler runs with

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the child then stands aside to let the youth walk into adulthood. Love is the key that opened salvations message to a child's heart. Before I became a mother, I took glory in my house of perfection. Now I glory in a loss perfection of my child, as a mother, there is much I must teach my child but the greatest of all is love. It is we're moving on now to the topic of how I can choose the wrong spouse. And we're going to talk about I think 10 ways to marry the wrong person. You know, normally we talk about tips on how to find the right person. But we're talking about here 10 ways to marry the wrong person just so that we can give the listener advice on the kind of errors that

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people do make and what to look out for when looking for a partner. Now how is it that one ends up with somebody you totally totally dislike it was somebody you cared for you were enamored with at one stage and suddenly you dislike how he looks, how he talks, how she sits, how she eats? How do these kind of problems arise? shamima I'm so glad that you asked me that question. We need to recognize that today with the divorce rate over 50%. There are too many people apparently making a serious mistake in deciding with whom they should spend the rest of their life. And we need to share some of the insights by my no means it is exhaustive. Often you find when people as you said, I

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enamored with the other person, and you say you know what? I'm sure he will change when someone points out to you. For example, He has a particular serious flaw in his character. He has a particular habit that is despicable. But you because you love that person. He said no, I'm sure he will change after he is married. That is the classic mistake because what is very true, you will never marry potential. The Golden Rule, I always share this. If you are not happy with a person the way he is now or she is now don't get married. As someone put it quite nicely. You actually can expect people to change after they married. But yes, for the worse. So when it comes to other

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person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene, and even communication skills, not forgetting, of course, the personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now. It's a very important consideration. Okay, I want to ask you a question here. Because I know young potential marriage partners say that we both willing to change because they've had the law realized I perhaps don't like this about her. And she's saying I don't like this, that and the other about him and she promises him the world and says no, no, no, you know, you say that I'm spending too much of time with my friends. I'll give that up. And she says to him, Well, I don't like the fact that you work

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seven days a week. And he says no, now stop that, oh, they're so enamored with each other that both are agreeing and promising the world. And as you're saying they now married two years down the line, these old habits creep back in. Am I right in saying that these were problems to start with, but we overlook them? Absolutely. Because, yes, the aspect of love is very, very critical. And I'm not denying an important fact when they make the commitment. They are sincere about it. But we are really creatures of habit. We are creatures of habit in the sense the way we've been brought up our values and the things that are important to us. Now suddenly, after you get married to say, you know

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what, I'm going to change. Yes, there are many people who change I don't diminish that people who realize that my marriage is a very critical component of my life. That becomes important. My relationship with my wife is a primary relationship. And my relationship, my friends is more secondary, and tertiary. So you make a very, very valid point. Because in the end, love itself cannot sustain a relationship. There are many, many other factors that can bind

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People together. Now what are the other problems when they have these potential partners wanting to create a union, they have two families involved as well. And usually, again, it's young people that are wanting to marry it could be anything from I'm here referring to the 18, to say 25 year old boys and girls that are wanting to marry parents still feel that they've got a lot of advice to provide, what advice can we give to these youngsters about how they should take the advice of the parents? It is very critical. Parents, all parents, they want the best for the children. And what happens sometimes, in our haste to get married, you feel that I must get married now. Yet, there are many

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skills you need to hone things you need to learn about about life itself, you need to mature in terms of other dimensions of relationships or concern. But because of our zealousness and the excitement of it, we're not prepared to heed the advice of even our parents. And I've seen it so often in the issues that I'm dealing with today with a couple who tell me you know, what, we have decided it's over. And the young girl or the young boy would tell me, you know, I should have listened to my father, then he was so much against this marriage, he said to me, my beloved child, you making a mistake? And when he said to me, for example, have you considered the family that you

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won't get married into? And my response was, Daddy, I'm not marrying the family, I am only marrying him. So these are some of the very important aspects we need to bear in mind. Now, what is it that youngsters focus on when choosing their life partner, because they must be some basics that they are looking at, and you here to tell me which are the correct things and which are incorrect. You see, one of the things that you spoke about the very beginning, right? When you said for example, the whole issue, man, the wrong person, that sometimes as you spoke about love, you focus so much on the chemistry, and the indeed, they say love is blind, there is a kind of excitement, a no baby, the

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palpitation of the heart, you know, you skip a beat. And you regard that as the most important thing, because it is really often the chemistry that really ignites the fire. But what keeps that fire burning is not so much that but it is good character. It keeps it burning. And we need to be aware of this. I'm in love syndrome, for example, often rarely, when I say I'm in love, it often means I'm in lust, extraction is there, which I'm not doubting. But did you check out the person's character? And we need to consider for example, what are some of the characteristics that are very critical in this relationship? And I'll just share a few with you now. And one of the very important

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characteristic is to look at the person's kindness to look at how kind and individually zoom to look at for example, does he for example, give pleasure to other people? Does he for example, show a sense of charity? How does he respond to other human beings, to people take to him as an individual. The other very important thing that often creates a huge problem in a relationship is a whole aspect of anger management. There are many a young person who has a volatile temper, and he may confess that to his wife to be, and he says, Don't worry, darling, don't worry, my shoo shoo bouboulina, I am going to change that, and you couldn't help me. And when someone points it out to do you know,

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your husband to be it's got a terrible temper, to point of aggression. He might even assault you said, No, no, we are too much in love for him to ever do something like that. The other critical component or ingredient is a whole aspect of responsibility. Has that individual accepted responsibility in his life? has he taken ownership? How do people perceive him? Can they rely upon him? How trustworthy is and these are very important things. And the last two points that are mentioned, there are many, many of course, sometimes you find that some of them learn that the husband was once a drug addict, or he might be a social drinker. He might have some other despicable

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habit, but because you're blinded to him, he did not regard that as a critical thing. And here again, the component of I'm going to change him comes in. Absolutely. And that is rarely more wishful thinking. But the point reality is that such habits often live with people for a long, long time. I'm not suggesting people not change. I know

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Not an instance when the young girl learnt that her husband to be had taken drugs, and he told her that and in anger, she decided it's all over. But Alhamdulillah they manage to resuscitate the love for the second institution of marriage? And they're very happy together in Shall I pray that they continue to be happy. And the other some questions for example, shamima, they need to ask themselves, for example, do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out to be like him? Or her? that these are very important considerations? In other words, what are his attributes? Does he have attributes that are endearing?

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All of us have certain shortcomings. But are those shortcomings so significant? That that draw off into insignificance is good character? Because you and I know it can sometimes take one fatal flaw, one fiber, one weakness that can tarnish a relationship, and can impact negatively on the second situation of marriage. So in other words, can I consider living with this person for the rest of my life, and most importantly, long after the love is gone? When we are two people in the twilight years of my life, looking at each other, when the physicality is gone, this zest for life is diminishing. The candle is burning away, self consuming fire is out there. What will hold them

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together? You know, recently, I met a couple who said we're ready to get married in this, this young boy said to me when I went to her house, and I had a meal with the family, because the food tasted just like the food in my home, I realized, well, this is the goal for me. You know, on a lighter note, even the kind of food that one eats can become a point of have a problem and to say something jokingly, maybe he loved the food so much, he might end up saying I'm fed up with this marriage, you understand the Panda and fed?

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There we go. Yeah, no. So what are we saying I think here is that one needs to be very careful when choosing a spouse, no matter what your age, you could be 18, or you could be 55. and choosing a spouse, it is the same concerns and considerations that one should take into account because it's the same kind of problems, you're dealing with another human being, you have to understand that I'm dealing with another person, there are certain changes that I'm going to have to make. And likewise, the spouse is going to have to agree Yes, I'm willing to make certain changes, because I know sometimes these this young girl marrying somebody who's about 10 years older than her, and he

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becomes a mentor as it were a father figure in other words, and he nurtures this young girl and she loves it. And she says, you know, he takes care of me. And he's always so kind and loving. And what I love best is you know, he's always very jealous. He doesn't want me to go to my mom's house. Because he says to me, he wants to spend every minute with me, he doesn't want to share me sounds beautiful at the moment because I'm feeling so special. But what are the problems that can arise with this jealousy that I'm talking about something so tiny sounds so positive? What negative repercussions can it have? I think there are many repercussions, what will happen, in fact that the

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person will feel that she is part of a claustrophobic relationship across the existence, you would feel stifled her growth itself would be stunted is very, very important consideration. And part of it really is the idea that when you and I marry, it is important that we contribute to each other's growth. And that's very, very critical, allow them to grow, so that they also unleash the potential. And early on, we spoke about kindness. And it's very, very important concept. If you look at today, I mean, if I were to just reflect on a few marital problems I've been exposed to in the recent past, and you find that the wife would say, you know, I was so seriously ill, I was so sick. And my

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husband's response was, you're a big girl, you'd be okay. I wanted him to be there. I wanted him to be there at the hospital. I wanted him to be at my bedside, encouraging me, praying for me. And these are very critical components. Because all of us have needs and as individuals, all of us want to be acknowledged, we want to be a firm. We want to recognize an important fact that in my relationship with my husband or wife, I'm a very important part of that relationship. And together with that, some of the other reasons I can just say to

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Very, very quickly is that you see, one of the things that we need to do when we get married is to connect with each other. And he is wonderful that you have some common goals, for example, that you'd like to do things together. Maybe you have an interest in philanthropy, uplifting the community, you're also very spiritual, you recognize these a purpose, you recognize that there is a reason why we are born, we are going to die. This life on this earth is temporary. So you want a person who understands that. And there is also of course, the whole aspect of compatibility. And perhaps it is naivety on my part, but from my experience, rarely, with people, I found that

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marriages can be saved, I believe very strongly that you can live in a very happy marriage in a happy home. Of course, unless people are involved with some despicable habits, or you abuse your spouse with these drunkenness, a term or these drug addiction, those kinds of issues. And with the isn't a commitment on the part of the perpetrator of those despicable acts, to do the right things to seek help to surrender himself and accept that I have a problem, then you're gonna have serious issues. And therefore, if you have and share a deeper level of connection, in the sense of sharing goals, it will bring you together. Remember, in life, when you marry, you're drawn towards each

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other, that marriage would either bring you closer together, or would separate you further. And to avoid, for example, growing apart, you must really figure out that you are living for a while. And when at that time, when you are living for a while you were single, and then you found someone who has also come to the same conclusion as you did. This is really, when people speak about a true definition of a soulmate. A soul mate really is also a goal made. For example, there are two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life's purpose, and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals. For example, when you marry you recognize there must be spirituality

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in our lives, you recognize that we are here to serve God Almighty, we recognize that we need to leave a legacy, a legacy so people remember for the good that you have done. You recognize, for example, you need to enjoin the teachers good and forbid that it is bad. So you need to support each other as far as this is concerned. It is you've given us quite a bit now in relation to a young couple choosing to get married to each other. So I'm hoping inshallah, that our youngsters are going to heed this advice. But here I want to move to a bit of a different angle. You know, we spoke in the segment about the parents, and well wishes wanting to give advice to this young couple. What

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advice can you give to these adults in how they provide this advice, because she misses remember, this young girl's really only seeing all the positive traits of this young boy, as a mother, if I'm going to say to her, you know, he has this bad habit, and I always watch him getting aggressive, and he's so jealous of you all the time. What's going to happen when you get married, he doesn't like you spending time with us. He doesn't like you spending time with your brothers and sisters. Imagine what's going to happen when you finally get married. And it becomes an argument. And obviously this young girl's going to side with her husband to be or the young boy that she's intending marriage.

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What advice can you give to these parents on how to give their advice with hikma? I think one of the critical aspects is that they would have given advice even tacitly through their own conduct with their spouse, number one, the second important issue is to give the children a comprehensive, objective perspective on marriage. They need to share with their children, for example, mummy and daddy we also in love, or we got there was an arranged marriage. These are the challenges we face. We dealt with it in this particular fashion, the dynamics of society has changed dramatically. And you need to give that kind of advice. And they need to understand whilst there is this romantic

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notion of marriage and Shall I pray that the romantic aspect of marriages they throughout their lives, but the other fundamentals, the need to embrace so that they can sustain the marriage, they can thrive on the marriage and they can be drawn closer to each other. So I would say shamima that parents need to constantly advise without sermonizing, and perhaps they themselves are the most eloquent ambassadors in terms of how they have displayed those qualities in their own marriages.

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came back to something else, right that we spoke about. And one of the other things that is of grave concern also, right? The critical thing in the end, you got to have a deeper emotional connection with the person, right? And one of the questions you need to ask yourself is this, do I respect her and admire her? These are important things. And rather than saying, I don't mean rarely, am I impressed by this person, we can be impressed by a fancy car, we do not respect some because they own a particular car. Yes, you should be impressed by the qualities of spirituality, creativity, liveliness, loyalty, determination, etc, etc. But do you actually respect and admire this person who

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possesses these qualities and other questions, and I would want, I would want young people listening to the city to ask themselves, do I trust this person? Is this person emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely upon him or her in my hour of need? Would he be there or she be there? And these are some critical questions. Of course, in the end, life is a challenge. And once a person is married, suddenly you find you exposed to new challenges, that's very important for me to share. It's about us growing together, dealing with a challenge. And when you know that your loved one is there, by your side, it makes a big, big difference. It makes life worth living, knowing that someone truly

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fully loves you. It is I think you've shared four points with us on what we should look for when looking for a marriage partner, and also what not to look for. And I think that's what we're most concerned about what not to look for, I'm sure there's little more that you have to share with us on this topic. Because, you know, we've spoken about the young couple what their concerns should be. And also we spoke about, very importantly, how the parents and the adults can help this young couple in making the correct choice. Now, we don't want to scare these youngsters away that are wanting to inshallah embark on this beautiful Institute of marriage. What other advice can we give them? You

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see, shamima, 25 years ago, for example, if you and I had to do the CD, we will not in fact, I don't think there are any CDs that time anyway, right. But if we were to do a kind of recording, we would have discussed different things are life has changed dramatically. And the painful realities, we are seeing an increase in divorce amongst all communities, no matter what faith they belong to. And one of the things they need to ask themselves. Do I feel emotionally safe with this person? Do I feel for example, calm, peaceful, and relaxed with this person? Can I be myself and express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a close friend who does

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make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way? Are you for example, afraid of this person anyway. And these are very, very important things. One of the critical aspects of EMA is sometimes some spouses are control freaks. They want to control the life of the other person, the person has no say there's a sense of intimidation all the time. It's about seeing things only through your eyes about not allowing the person freedom to choose. And these things have a very, very profound negative impact, where you squelch the creativity when you kill the spirit of the other person. And a few more points very quickly shamima on to share. Sometimes

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you pick the wrong person, because you do not put everything on the table for discussion. For example, remember that anything that worries you prior to marriage, you ought to discuss it, you must discuss it is better to discuss the things that make you uncomfortable. And once you resolve that, inshallah, it will help you to evaluate the relationship it will help you to communicate better, to negotiate better, and to work together because it's about working together in a relationship. And we also need to understand that once this element of fear, then that can also create a serious problem. Now what to go back to two important aspects and I want to give you

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scenarios you spoke about choosing a partner that makes you feel very calm and peaceful. Now the opposite to that would be one away you just feel very intense all the time this very high highs and the very low lows where you have this wonderful excitement and then your partner's making you feel absolutely low. What would be the disadvantage of this because

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You know, I'm really excited with my spouse, we had this lesson the other exciting happening. And then he goes into some sort of rage. And I've got to be quiet, because I can't not upset him. And for days, this this lull, and I don't make the wrong move or ensure that the food is has the correct amount of salt and you know, the minor things like that, what would be the difference between this intense relationship and the very calm and peaceful one you're talking about? In an intense relationship like that, it's quite clear that one person is going to be very, very unhappy. And in fact, because we may must affect the other person, but the fact that I'm happy sometimes, doesn't

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that make it all worthwhile? Now I'm thinking like, a young potential marriage partner? No, you make a very valid point marriage, of course, they're going to be challenges. You're not going to be excited and happy. And every second of your life, they are going to be many challenges, there are some things that might distress you. But as someone said, You know, I remember in a book, this person said this, and let's talk about it. I think it was in May of Casterbridge, by Thomas Hardy, or one of his other books was said that happiness is an interlude in the general drama of pain. And I'm saying that couples should be far happier than said, we need to have many moments of happiness,

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and fewer moments of sadness, if your moments of happiness are short lived, they are transitory, and every now and then that must impact negatively on the relationship. And one of the a very important aspect that we also need to speak about in our regarding that also is sometimes some people, it's a very important thing. And I find this so often shamima, some people marry because they got problems, they unhappy with their parents, they got problems everywhere, and they feel this is an escape, they feel that by marrying this person, he will save them from all the drama. In fact, what would happen is that precisely that decision to marry a person, when you have issues, you can access the bait

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your problems, rather than bring about a change, it is very important that you need to be happy with yourself, you'd be happy with your life so that when you get into marriage, you'll be able to deal with the issues is quite clear that a person who rushed into it purely because of issues is quite clear that such a person needs more time to learn how to deal with day to day issues. Now, just one more point on this topic address. How do you as a potential marriage partner deal with constructive criticism, your partner to be has told you, you know what, I don't like these three things about you. And these are the reason and I would like you to change for that, that or the other? How can I

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deal with this constructive criticism? Should I say, Oh, well, he if he's picking on me, now, let me rather not marry him. I think feedback is very important is part of life. And the purpose of feedback is to point out perhaps areas that you may not understand areas of concerns that you have, which you might have overlooked. And that helps the spot for growth. Because every day we are growing, we need to improve ourselves. None of us is perfect. None of us has all the attributes, the areas that we need, not only to develop, but learn to embrace. And that's very, very important. Once there is honest feedback between the spouses, and that relationship, inshallah will be a very

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purpose for relationship. And the last point I want to make here very quickly, there are few other points, but I think we have covered most ground is the whole issue. Sometimes I know, for example, some parents who learn that their son or daughter is involved in a relationship, and they are very unhappy with it. And what they do is they insist that that son or daughter marry someone else. So he could forget that other individual. And I don't think really, it's fair on the other person, because it's always the emotional residue, the feeling for the other person. And that creates so many so many problems. I know of many instances when things have worked out when a person said my past is

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behind me, and the go ahead with the new relationship that is within the bounds of the second institution of marriage. And that is very, very critical that we need to be honest with each other. And even for example, a person may be a drug addict, and when the mother things or the Father, I think of a son should marry and I'm sure he'll give up this habit. And the other innocent partner has no idea that the husband to be or the husband now has been or is a drug addict.

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That creates so many problems. So an entire family become conspirators in this whole scenario. All right, so there we go advice inshallah for the young couple intending to embark on sacred Institute of marriage, I do hope inshallah, that the segment would help you make your choices on choosing a partner and also be aware of the challenges that you would face when choosing your partner and also making you very aware that yes, they are flaws in my partner because I think essentially a we need to take off the rose tinted glasses and say, Yes, they are these flaws, let's talk about them. Let's discuss them, then we adult enough to embark on a relationship. So I must be adult enough to say,

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well, let's discuss what my flaws are. And we have a mutual discussion, then perhaps we go to both sets of parents to say this is the areas of concern that we found, and I think parents would be thrilled to see their children behaving like adults. And I think what can only come from such discussions before marriage would be only good inshallah.

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Topic 11 successful marriage tips for a happy married life.

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The wedding is over, the presidents have been put away. And thank you notes written. Now what once the excitement of the festivities and the romantic honeymoon is over the real work of marriage begins. And yes, it can sometimes be work no matter how much you love each other. It is this is our new topic that we're going to discuss. Now, before we came on a you gave me some tips that I want to read out and you're going to just elaborate on a little further inshallah. Number one, money is one of the most frequent causes of marital friction. If you haven't talked about it before the wedding, talk about it. Now, the sooner you establish a spending plan and agree on it, the more arguments

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you'll avoid down the line. Number two, don't assume that all things have to be 50 if you prefer balancing the checkbook and paying the bills, but your spouse hates this and would rather be in charge of cleaning and scheduling appointments, then that's fine. It's what works for you. That is important. Number three, always be willing to say I'm sorry, and mean it. Whether it's something small, like not putting on the cap off the toothpaste or something even larger, the apology is more important than the incident and will be remembered for longer. Never make life decisions unilaterally, even if the new car will be used by you. your spouse's input should be listened to.

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And considered. Number five, allow yourself a sense of wonder in little things and share them. Do you see a beautiful sunset while doing the dishes, pointed out to your spouse and share that brief moment of beauty? Yes, shamima. In although I've got number one is the money issue. But the point that I'm making the it's that we need to communicate with each other in that way make a huge difference. And when people understand each other, then arguments can be avoided. What happens is a tendency and people are attracted to each other they believe well, being in love and everything defines the idea of discussion is very, very critical. And of course all these notes are self

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explanatory. But the other point that I need to make also, amongst the points that you raise, the tips that I shared with you is that all of us have certain strengths in relationship in like marriage is when we complement each other, your spouse may have certain strengths, perhaps in terms of budgeting is far better than you are you may have other strengths. And when we put all these strengths together, what you really have is a very dynamic, meaningful relationship for the other ladies that kind of support. Number six, say thank you for little things, as well as big things sometimes. He'll appreciate hearing thanks for taking out the garbage and she loves a thank you for

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dinner occasionally, we often feel the most taken for granted for doing daily or weekly chores. Hmm, I'll stop you there, right. It's a simple thing of saying desire qumola Thank you. We do not do that often enough. And all of us want information. You want recognition, and you want to be appreciated. praise your mates, good qualities or something he or she has done for you to others, but do it within the earshot there is no boost to a man self esteem like hearing his loved one tell her mother or her sister or her best friend. What a great job he did. For example, painting the kitchen. It's excellent. And when our spouses catch each other saying wonderful things, then they would realize

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that in the privacy of my home in my house

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When wax lyrical about my wife says something beautiful he means it because even shares these things with people outside. Number eight surprises are good. It can be as small as a note in your spouse's briefcase and unexpected flower or even making his favorite dessert. Yes, you know, surprise a good but we must shock each other. And when you see a note there, darling, I love you, Allah bless you have a good day or some flowers sometimes, then that kind of creativity, what it really does it really rekindles that love it, resuscitates it and it's something that we need to do far more often than we do. Putting the spark back into really Absolutely. Number nine, maintain your sense of

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humor. And I feel this is really very important. If you can laugh when things get tough, you'll be able to get through almost any crisis. Remember to look for the absurd in any situation. That's very, very important. Many people do not even have a sense of humor. We need to laugh, we need to celebrate things we need to say things that will create laughter and often we cause a lot of depression. And it's time we saw life in its truest perspective and laughter lubricates life. It's something beautiful. Number 10 never discuss important decisions when you're angry if the disagreement has reached the point of shouting or angry words, agree to table discussion until

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you've both cooled off set a time and date to reopen the topic. Of course, as he said early on, anger is one letter away from danger. And when you are angry, we say all kinds of things. And once the word is spoken, you cannot retrieve it. and thereafter what has happened, we really compound the sadness relationship, and he really breaks it down completely. Point number 11 on successful marriage tips for a happy married life, pick your battles. If it isn't all that important to you in the long run, but your spouse sees it as a big issue, then concede don't win the battle, only to lose the war. keep things in perspective. That's number 12. Will this issue matter a week from now?

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If not, it's probably not worth an argument or disagreement. If it's only an annoyance, consider letting it slide. After all, you are annoying sometimes to the idea of keeping things in perspective. It's so critical, all of us are born to die. And when we look back at our life, and when we lose our spouse, and you say why did I have an argument with him? He's not here anymore. And in this greater scheme of things, the argument we had was totally unrelated to our own happiness in this world and the year after point number 13. In order to create togetherness, find one activity at least that you both enjoy. Number 14. Never ever bring up past mistakes in an argument. It only

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escalates the emotional warfare and distracts both people from the topic at hand. Number 15. Be willing and able to reassure your partner and be thoughtful of their concerns and worries. If you're going to be late. call and let your spouse know so that they won't forget. Point number 16. Think before speaking, it sounds simple. But snapping out every critical thought that pops into your head is easy. When you become comfortable with your mate make the effort to soften the delivery it would really helped me if you could remember to take out the garbage the night before since I'm so rushed in the morning. Thanks work so much better than you never ever take out the garbage. That's a very

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important point, like the other point is this, that sometimes we take each other for granted. We must be self aware. We need to look around us I mean when you are sitting there perhaps comfortable in the lounge and you see your spouse busy in the kitchen. And you need to recognize that and you need to acknowledge that in that way you'll find once there is a kind of mutual respect, it will make a huge difference. Number 17. The old adage never go to bed mad doesn't mean that you have to solve the problem before you go to bed. In fact, if the next day's the work day, you should agree to retreat at a reasonable time and shelve the discussion until the time that is better for both of you

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agree to disagree and remind each other that you love each other no matter what and go to bed in the state of truth. That's a very critical point because the time of anger as we said, and often anger creates so many problems in a relationship is better to be cool headed to recognize the fact that words can heal or they could hurt and decide on an appropriate time in both the spa

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is a level headed to discuss issues unemotionally and look at issues rather than the person. Number 18. Don't discuss your personal problems with your family. Although it is tempting to tell your mother just how terrible your fight was, resist long after you and your partner have made up and forgotten the issue, your mother will remember and view your spouse through very different eyes. That's a another important point. But more than that, there is another perspective to this, the point that we have made is a fact, if there are serious issues that are impacting on the relationship, we need to get the council of elders, it may be your mother, but to what extent you

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discuss it, what details to give is another matter. It mustn't be for example, that that has created some serious problems that you have healed, as you indicated, quite rightly, and the mother is privy to that information. And sometimes, you know, some of them lost, you know, sometimes they could use it. For instance, number 19. Don't expect your spouse to act the same around his or her family as he does around you. If your husband temporarily turns into a loud and boisterous somebody when he's with his brothers, or your wife suddenly starts talking about nothing but the details of the latest family scandal don't panic, they will return to their normal selves. As soon as the family event is

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over. This is actually the bonding ritual shamima one of the observations I've made, many people have found that their problems in the marriage is when one of the spouses stifles them. And sometimes what happens many of them when they go to their own homes, they are the normal spontaneous self and we should allow our spouses should allow us to be like that. In fact, you could ask yourself, why is my husband not like that with me at home? Why is he so reticent? Perhaps you might be stifling him. So it's very important that we can be spontaneous in a relationship without being impulsive. b can be our elemental self without being abusive. Point number 20. Put annoying habits

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into perspective. She bites her nails, he fiddles with his hair, these will be the same habits you'll miss when he or she is gone. So accept them and forget it. Of course Jemima, all of us have our own idiosyncrasies and allow that there is no harm points in between to one when arguing stick to the topic at hand. Remember, if you disagree about something, you should address their point of view, not them personally, don't use insults or insinuate that your partner is somehow stupid or bad just because they disagree with you. Point number 22 have one hobby each that is separate from your partner and enjoyed regularly. Maintaining separate interests means you won't rely completely on

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your spouse for entertainment, which can be draining and a real burden shamima that particular point if you consider it, you find that there are many couples, for example, who do not allow each other to pursue other interests. We are part of the Amato Nabi sallallahu sallam, we also got to serve the oma and do the right things. It is very, very critical for us to develop those interests also, because what it does at the end, it helps us in terms of how we maintain our relationships, and we find that we do not rely solely on the relationship for enjoyment of happiness, and more importantly for fulfillment. Number 23. Support your spouse's outside interest wholeheartedly. Ask questions

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about their hobbies, volunteer work, and any other activities showing an interest in all aspects of their life. Apart from you will not only show that you care, but give you the chance to learn more about your spouse as the years go by. Number 24. Allow decompression time at the end of the day, whoever is home first shouldn't wait at the door to jump the spouse with the list of chores or a bunch of questions or complaints. Give him or her half an hour to simply unwind from the stresses of the day. Number 25. Ask, ask, ask trying to guess what is on your spouse's mind is a recipe for disaster, ask specific questions and listen carefully to the answers when one partner for example is

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very quiet than the other person in the relationship in that marital relationship has to guess you know, so part of what we are saying throughout the steps is the whole issue of communication is about understanding each other and recognizing who we are. And if we do not speak then one can only speculate point number 26

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Tell your spouse that you love him or her every day, you can never say too much. And it will give them a safe, secure feeling. Knowing that your love is something they can always rely on. Number 27. Remember to compliment and do it often, you may think it's obvious that if you married her, she must know how attractive you find her not true. One compliment makes up for 10 put downs, number 28. Never interrupt your spouse in front of others. And part of that particular tip is that one of the worst things ever, when you are humiliated by the person that's supposed to love you most. And you often find many people say, you know what, my husband or my wife diminishes me in public, she

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humiliates me. And no one can endure that kind of humiliation. Point number 29. Don't spring big changes or surprises on your spouse. If you are thinking of leaving your job, going back to study or anything else that will affect you both discuss it before making any decisions. Yes, it is your life. But you are now in a partnership. Point number 30. If your spouse has complained about his or her family, respect the confidences and don't use anything said as a weapon against them in the future. Number 31. If you have a choice between making yourself look good, and making your spouse look good, choose your spouse. When the whole issue of scoring points when you say I must be right,

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it's me, then you will have serious problems. What would it cost you right? To allow your partner to win the argument because if being right is all that you want, you find, then you're not going to enjoy happiness. Number 30. To never use the word separation casually, it harbors feeling of instability and insecurity and will lead to feeling that you aren't in this relationship for the long haul. Often you find the luck divorce, you use separation as a euphemism. We use it so casually, and the fit of anger. Often you find there are many divorces that take place when one partner provokes the other. In that way, you'll find there many couples who begin to rule the

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decision and they say, Why did I say it and I was in a fit of anger, and we should not even talk about it. And there are issues in the relationship, look at how best we can reconcile and in a very mature fashion. With number 33 present a united front in front of others on important issues. Even if you disagreed private, you will come to be seen as a team and be respected for your solidarity. Point number 34. Take pride in your partner's work, whatever it is, whether he is a maintenance man or a cashier, if your spouse does it well and is honest, or reliable. Every job is just as important, as the CEO of the company, take pride in their work ethic, how hard they work, and their

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desire to take care of you. At least that was the 34 points that I wanted to discuss here with you on successful manage tips for a happy married life. What is your final points on what we can tell our listeners on how to have the successful marriage for all times inshallah shamima. You know, it is my humble view that each of those points can consolidate a relationship, a marriage, it's about understanding mutual respect about communication. But the very important thing is this. I think we need to ask ourselves, why did we get married? What's our purpose? And I think when people have forgotten the purpose, when they're forgotten, why they're married, you find the trivial things that

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impact negatively that impinge on that relationship. I find that people's threshold today is very low. They're not prepared to work at something they wanted easy, many of them, they feel the moment they are married is like a fairy tale. Suddenly, everything in the house design is going to happen. They make no effort. And really and since this is the concluding part of everything else, I am saying to all individuals who are contemplating marriage, it can be done. It should be done. You can be happy. If you choose to be happy, those that are contemplating divorce, I say to them, hold on, think again. reflect on yourself. Ask yourself, to what extent you are contributing to this anger,

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the sadness, this depression, is it always about you? Why cannot think about her from her perspective? and deep down? When you love her? Do you tell her that How does she respond? Should she respond? How should she respond? And a very important thing we are born to die and in the end if this route

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sonship helps us to understand our purpose helped us to connect with Allah and His beloved reso. And in the end, we can say together the power of two, that we can leave a legacy Alhamdulillah. And we are not being simplistic when you talk about the steps, because sometimes it just requires a single tip to make a paradigm shift, a simple idea of being creative, of seeing things differently. And one of the recurring themes is if you do the same things the same way, expect the same results. And remember, it's about two of you. It's about two people from two different backgrounds who are sharing this common space and this common space can either be your hell on earth or a heaven. It all

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depends on you.