Want to have better communication in your family

Dunia Shuaib

Channel: Dunia Shuaib

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ICNA 2017

Episode Transcript

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Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah salam O Allah, Allah Allah, he was sending them. Rugby strategy, Saudi Arabia, certainly unreal. That's an melissani of Coco Lee ammini out of galantamine Billahi min ash shaytani r rajim Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim, AR Rahman LML, Kuru en Haleakala insan, our lemma whole ban.

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So, communication, communication is an essential part of all of our relationships. And I don't know if you've noticed, but communicating saved me from missing my session, because the brother said that I was running a little late, and I was able to communicate and kind of scream and say, Hey, I'm right here. So the ability to communicate is a great blessing from Allah subhanho wa Taala. And it's also a mercy as Allah subhanho wa Taala describes and suta Raman

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the ability to communicate with one another is a precious gift that Allah subhanaw taala gave us and it's so amazing to be able to put our thoughts and our feelings and our ideas into words, and to be able to transmit them to others.

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And it's also amazing to be able to receive feedback from others through our different senses, and to enable us to learn to teach and to interact and connect with one another. Effective communication techniques are probably one of the most important life skills that we can learn. However, unfortunately,

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it's one of the skills that many of us are lacking.

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But Alhamdulillah Allah subhanho wa Taala gave us the ability to learn and ensure a lower able to learn these skills today.

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Those of us who may have studied communication on an academic level, know that there are many theories. There are many studies, there are many methods of communication.

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many ways that scientists and psychologists and sociologists have studied communication and try to understand the process of human communication. However, as Muslims, we know that the art of communication can be best deduced from the communications communication that Allah subhanho wa Taala sent us the Quran and the Sunnah of the last and final messenger prophet muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, by the way. So this is my first time at an ignite convention. So I have a rule when I speak. Can anyone guess what my rule is? If you guess correctly, I'll give you a free copy of my new book.

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Yes.

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Stand up. speak loud.

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No talking. I think that's implied Anyone else? We'll have one more try. Yes.

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Interactive.

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Put your cell phones. Okay. I'm going to give the sisters a try. Anyone? Yes.

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You have to speak loudly.

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Someone already said it. Okay. So I guess I'm going to say it because of time. It is that when I say profit, you all say

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so Lola Holly was and I want you to say it in a way that the person next to you can hear it. Why?

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Because if you remind them and show that you get the reward, what reward I want you all to go on my website, not now because our cell phones are away later. donorschoose.com under Dean with dunya there's a post that says 11 reasons why you should send peace and blessings upon the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and you'll know why. Believe me you will thank me later in sha Allah. So

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Allah subhanho wa Taala says,

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to the prophet to save into in Quinton to Hebron Allaha sabbioni, como la, se O Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. If you really love Allah, then follow me. And Allah will love you. So Allah subhanho wa Taala sent the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, the Prophet

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salallahu alaihe salam Good job as a guide to us, a guide to teach us about everything.

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And so we learned from the beautiful tradition of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam that he was

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An expert

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in speaking, an expert in connecting with others. And through his beautiful ways, and his beautiful and perfect manners in sha Allah, we can learn how to effectively communicate with our loved ones. So communication is the key to a successful family. researchers agree that clear, open and healthy communication is the foundation for every relationship.

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Now, when we talk about communication, there are two components, two main components of communication. The first is

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what is said the message. And the second is how it is received or understood. Now, unfortunately, a lot of times those don't, what?

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They don't go hand in hand. What do I mean? Have you ever said something to someone, but when they responded to you and reacted to you, you realize that they didn't hear what you were actually saying.

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I'm getting a lot of nods. It happens a lot with spouses, unfortunately, happens a lot between parents and children. You're trying to tell your parents something, but they're hearing something else. So that's one of the biggest problems in communication, and inshallah Today I would like to share with you the seven do's of communication of effective and healthy communication that has been derived from the Quran and the Sunnah, and the latest scientific research. And I'm going to be honest with you, I've prepared the seven do's but I've also prepared the seven don'ts which are equally as important. But this morning, when I was timing myself, I realized that if I did both, I

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would go over my time by 20 minutes, so I'm not going to go over my time. So inshallah today I'm just going to share with you the seven do's and if you'd like to know the seven doats in sha Allah by Monday, I'll try to put them up on my website be in Atlanta, Atlanta. So, this minelab

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what is do number one.

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It's probably one that you haven't thought of. But it is the most important aspect of communication and it's the most important thing that we can do for everything in our life. And that is to seek help from Allah subhanho wa Taala.

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To seek help from a las pantalla Chateau de la one has said

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ask a las panatela for everything. Even if your shoe lace breaks, ask Kim soprano attallah for a new one. She said because if Allah subhanho wa Taala does not assist you in something, it will become impossible.

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seek help from Allah subhanho wa Taala even the greatest of humanity, the greatest people to walk this earth the prophets peace be upon them all. asked Allah subhanho wa Taala to help them effectively communicate. Even the prophet who spoke and communicated with Allah subhanho wa Taala Musa alayhis salam when Allah subhanho wa Taala ordered musala his Salaam to go and speak with the greatest tyrant of all time with a man who said that I am your Lord most high a man who wanted to kill him

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What is a loss of Pattaya record in the court and for us to read and recite until the Day of Judgment musala Islam saying before then

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musala salaam asked Allah Pattaya for his help. He said rubbish rally sadri well yes certainly Omri. What Hello Luke that 10 min Li Sani, you've got okoli Oh Allah, peace in my heart in my chest and make my task easy for me Yala. communicating effectively is difficult, make it easier Allah

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and remove the knot from my tongue. Remove that barrier between me and the person I'm going to communicate with because when we communicate with others, there are many barriers. Yala removed that why why am I asking you to remove that, so that they may understand my speech? Do you remember we said there are two components of communication. The first is what is said the message and the second is how is understood. Musa alayhis salam saying Yeah, Allah allow them to understand me the way that I mean it

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So ask Allah subhanho wa Taala for help. Number two, the second key to effective and healthy communication is to have wisdom. Allah subhanaw taala says, He gives wisdom to those He wills. And whoever has been given wisdom has been certainly given something very, extremely good. So, what does it mean to have wisdom when communicating with others? We have to understand that we are all different. We all have different understandings, we all have different levels of understanding, we all have different levels of intellect, correct. We have to speak to each member of our family in a manner in a way that they will understand. So what do you think of the example of the Prophet

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sallallahu alayhi wa sallam?

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When he spoke to for an example? a Bedouin?

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Did he speak to a Bedouin in the same way and the same manner as he spoke to Abu Bakr radi Allahu anhu. Know, when he spoke to a Bedouin, he spoke to the Bedouin in a way that the better one would understand simple speech, he used analogies that the better one would understand. And when he spoke to Abu Bakr, radi Allahu anhu, he spoke to him in a manner that he would understand. He spoke to an issue of the lower and higher in a way differently than he spoke to, for example, of Hassan and Hussein, may Allah be pleased with them, because they were little children. So be very cognizant of that. Be very aware that you're talking to different people at different levels, and speak to them

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in a way where they can understand you. A lot of times I've seen people speak to, for example, their children in a way

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that it's impossible for them to understand, using analogies that even I can understand as an adult. So it's very important to be aware of that.

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So what is another part of wisdom? Another part of wisdom is to think before you speak, and I know that sounds really Elementary, but honestly, how many times have you hurt your loved one? or How many times have you been hurt by someone? Because they didn't really think through what they were going to say before they said it? How many times have you regretted saying something? You know, in one of my classes, I learned this analogy that I think is very true. Words are like bullets. Words are like bullets. And your mouth is like a gun.

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When you shoot a gun, the bullet is going to come out. Is there any way for you to take that bullet back?

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No.

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And it's going to hit something will always hit your target? No. So before shooting the gun, what do you have to do? Be very careful and the same is true when we're communicating when we're speaking. So it's very important to pick and choose your words wisely. After thinking through, pick and choose your words wisely. Pick the most loving words, the most compassionate words, the most appropriate words for that scenario. Allah subhanaw taala tells us and tell my servants to say that which is best. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam also taught us

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that the one who believes in Allah, and the Day of Judgment, so the prophet SAW, some is telling us if you have faith, speak a good word or be silence. You know, a lot of times we say things without thinking about it. And there's an interesting Hadith where the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam said that a person will speak a word without really thinking about it, without really pondering over it, just blurting a word out. And it will displease Allah, and that word will throw them into the Hellfire for 70 years. So it's so important that we think before we speak, and we choose our words wisely. What's another

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aspect of wisdom when communicating is choosing the right time, be wise and choose the right time as the cliche states, there's a time and place for everything. And when communicating, it's no difference. You know, you don't want to communicate and start a discussion about something very important or very heavy with your spouse when they just came home from work and they had a bad day or a long day. You really don't want to talk about something very important with your children when they're

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hungry and they haven't had lunch yet, or when they're stressed. So choose your time wisely.

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And use your wisdom to do that inshallah. Now, number three, the third key to effective communication. And this is the key that researchers suggest that is one of the most important techniques for effective communication. It's the technique that allows the person that you're talking to that you're communicating to, to really listen, understand. And the key word here is accept your message.

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And that is to have a soft startup. Now, what does that mean?

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What do we do when we see each other as Muslims? What's the first thing that we're told to do?

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Say salaams. Right. So when I meet another Muslim, the first thing that I am taught to do from our beautiful religion is to do what say, as salaam alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh? What does that mean? I'm praying for Peace and blessings to be upon you, right?

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panela isn't that a beautiful, soft way to start your conversation if you really think about it? Because we know that Doha is one of the most amazing gifts that we can give one another. And imagine when we're meeting each other, we're starting off our conversations with do that for each other, that we get to have the greatest things that we can get blessings Baraka from Allah and Salaam.

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And only a las panatela knows how much we are in dire need of peace during this time.

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So what else are we taught?

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We're taught to smile, right? The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, when the Sahaba spoke about him, they said, we've never seen him except that he was smiling. And to encourage us to have a start a soft startup, the prophet SAW Some said that when you smile in the face of your brother, your sister, that's sadaqa that's charity, and we all know the virtues of charity. And that's a charity that each and every one of us can do, right? We don't need anything external. It's from within.

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What else is an example of a soft startup? kind words, and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam also encouraged us to speak kind words by saying, and a kind word is charity.

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Also, what else is to start with something positive?

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Did you know that when look man who Allah subhanaw taala says What about Look, man?

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Allah gave him wisdom. Right hikma when look man was speaking and advising his son. How did he start off the conversation?

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Oh, my dear beloved son. Right.

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What about Ibrahim alayhis salam? How did Abrahim alayhis salam start his conversation with his father? Who is disbeliever? Yeah, Betsy, all my dear beloved father, soft startup.

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And it's really important that when we are going to advise someone, that we start off with some sort of praise, and we're taught by the prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, that even if we're talking and we're requesting something from Allah subhanho wa Taala, how should we start our request? by praising him right?

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By sending praises to Allah subhanho wa Taala. And you know, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi salam use this

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method in his communication with the Sahaba There was once a young Sahabi that the prophet SAW said and wanted to advise. So he said, what an excellent man, Abdullah is,

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he praised him, and then he gave him the advice.

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Another way to have a soft startup is to touch.

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Right touch your family members say salaams.

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When you shake your hands between a husband and a wife, between your children, do you know what happens? The prophet SAW Sam said that when we shake hands, our sins fall, right. And research suggests that that element of touch is a very soft way of starting, express love. And this Hadeeth is such a beautiful Hadith it's narrated by mlab radi Allahu anhu, who he said, The Prophet salallahu alaihe salam once came to me

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and he put his arm around me and in one narration, he held my hand and he said, Oh my, by Allah, I love you.

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I advise you to never leave after every Salah excellent

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That you say Aloma I Niala Vic rica was shook Rico has a bad day. Now I want you to think about that. Do you really think that more I've ever forgot that?

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Do you think at that moment he thought to himself? No, I don't want to take that advice. Of course not with any of you. If someone if your spouse came to you held your hand and said, You know what, I swear by a lie. Love you.

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Can you please do so? And so how likely are you to fulfill that request? Very likely.

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So

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express love, touch, right? Start off with praise.

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Now, the next key to effective communication was just key number what anyone counting with me?

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Good job does. Allah bless you key number four out of seven. So I'm almost done, Brother is to listen, actively.

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Active listening. Listen with your eyes. Listen with your ears. Listen with your heart. Listen with your mind. Give your full undivided attention, no distractions. And yes, I'm talking about your cell phone.

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One of the most disrespectful and one of the greatest barriers in communication is that when someone's trying to converse with you and communicate with you, and you're on your cell phone, and not giving your undivided attention, did you know that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam would be walking and someone would call his name? Do you know what he would do?

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He would stop, turn around, go to the direction that that person is, and speak to them and give them his undivided attention. And he was the most busiest man who ever walked this earth. Right? So

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give your undivided attention to your spouse, to your children to your family members. Show them that they're valued and that they matter. And what they have to say to you is important. What else it's also very important to use non verbal cues, which is eye contact, nodding, right? allowing them to know that you're listening, that they're just not talking to the wall that you're there that you're not zoned out, you're not in another place. What else? We should use bridge phrases such as really sapan Allah, that's amazing. Masha Allah. So what happened next? Or how did that make you feel?

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Or Oh, wow. So panela? Or even asking, Is there anything that I can do to help?

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You'd be surprised at the wonders that these small bridge statements have an effect on your communication.

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Also, actively listening means that you're listening without thinking about how you're going to respond. A lot of times in counseling sessions, I noticed that when one of the spouses is speaking, the other one is just thinking about how they're going to get back at them. And when you do that, guess what happens?

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You're missing the, you're missing the whole message, you're not even able to, to hear it properly, you're not able to think about it. And that leaves the person who's speaking to feel very, very hurt. And so it's so important that you take that time to listen and absorb what your loved one is trying to say. And to try to understand them and to try to understand their perspective and their point of view.

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Now, many times our children, especially when they're younger, they have a lot to say.

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And I don't have a lot of experience with little boys but hamdulillah Mashallah to Baraka law. I have two little nieces. May Allah bless them and protect them and bless and protect all of your children say I mean, I mean, yeah, I mean, so my niece, Zahra. She's four years old. And she's always trying to tell me about everything. What she ate, what she did, what she saw outside if she saw a bird if she saw a butterfly, even if on the way here when she was visiting me if her mom stopped to put gas. When she got there, she would tell me about it.

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And Subhanallah I've seen so many people dismiss their children when they're trying to tell them about these things that might seem really irrelevant. And I read this quote that I believe has so much wisdom.

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It says, Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they're little. They won't tell you the big stuff when they're big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.

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You know, one of the biggest complaints that I get from mothers and fathers, my kids won't talk to me. They won't tell me what they're doing. They won't tell me where they're going. And oftentimes I ask, well, where were you when they were younger, and they were trying to express to you all of these important things. And so it's so important to do that in sha Allah. It's also important to validate and give and give our loved ones a sense of understanding, to show empathy and validation. And this is shown by communicating that their thoughts, their feelings, their needs, their opinions make sense, and that you understand, and that even if you don't necessarily agree that that's okay,

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and you respect and you understand their point of view.

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You know, there's a famous Hadith that you should have the llama and her narrates, and it's the hadith of ohm Zahra. And it's a very, very long Hadith. And there's so many lessons that we can derive, but I just want to talk about one. So I shall not be long unhappy with sitting with 11 women. And each woman was telling her story.

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And then she came home to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam like we said, the busiest man on earth, the man who was who had such a heavy burden of being the last and final messenger.

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And so the prophet SAW Sam sat and listened to the story of the 11 women. But he didn't just listen and zoned out. He was actively listening. How do we know this? Because at the end, and this is one of the longest had these at the end, you know what he did? He looked at each and he smiled, and he said, Yeah,

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I am like to you, like a busara is to own Zara, except that Abu Zara divorced in Zara and I will never ever divorce you.

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Imagine, how have you sort of the long run have felt that after hearing all of these stories, he was able to pay attention, and he was able to comfort her and show her empathy at a time when she needed it because she felt afraid after hearing that story.

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What's key number five key number five is to play close attention to your tone, your volume, your body language and your facial expressions. A lot of research proves that much of our communication is not all about what you say but how you say it and your body language. And we have to pay attention to our tone especially Alice Pattaya tells us in the end, and be moderate in your pace and lower your voice. Indeed, the most harshest of sounds is the voice of a donkey. We shouldn't raise our voices. We don't need to yell to get our message across. Actually, when we do that, we're putting up a wall between us and our loved ones. Allah subhanho wa Taala. Also, when he was talking

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to Musa alayhis salam and telling him to talk to fit around Allah xpadder said to him and speak to him with gentle, soft speech.

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We also have to be very mindful of our facial expressions. You know, Alice, Pat, that teaches us this by telling us about an incident that happened during the time of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam, when a blind man came to the prophet SAW Selim to try to talk to him, and the prophet SAW Selim, he made a facial expression that the blind man didn't even see. But what happened? Allah subhanaw taala reminded him and reminded us to be very mindful of our facial expressions, my time is up, but I have one last key to effective communication. And that is,

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be clear.

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No one's a mind reader. Don't expect your spouse, your children to just magically understand what's in your mind.

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Be clear the Prophet sallallahu Sallam when he spoke, he was clear, and he used different modes of communication. Do you know what he would do? He would say something and if it was very important, he would repeat it and rephrase it. He would use his hands and point that things to, to, to show analogies he would draw in the sand. He used different modes of communication to make sure that the person that he was communicating with understood the message. And always, always, always be respectful, and use encouraging words. Don't be critical. And don't use criticism, in your speech with your loved ones because criticism destroys love.

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ask Allah subhanho wa Taala to bless us to bless our families. I know that a lot of these things might seem difficult, but in sha Allah, everything in life that

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Great takes work and if we put in that effort to effectively and to communicate with our children and our spouses in a healthy way in sha Allah will reap the benefits not only in this dunya but in the Hara by Allah pantai rewarding us. I asked Allah subhanho wa Taala the same way that he gathered us here that he gathers us all. In the highest level of gender with the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam I asked Allah subhana wa tada to make our children and our spouses the coolness of our eyes and allow us to lead the righteous mean to Zack Mullah Hayden Assalamu alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh