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Married Ever After #06 – Principles 8 & 9

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Ali Hammuda

Channel: Ali Hammuda

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So we've covered a few principles. The first bundle were the pre marital principles from the Quran that we need to be aware of before we come into a marriage. Then we started going through how many principles under the second bundle?

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How many know how many?

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How many from the second bundle?

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How many eczema shy

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about Omar?

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Sorry, Hashem.

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Two so far? Yeah, that's right six and seven from the second bundle. They've said the second batch of principles are about principles from the Quran for the maintaining of a, a flourishing and a blossoming marriage. These are principles you need during your marriage. If you are married happily or unhappily, we've covered two from this second bundle. We're going to cover another two this evening in Sharla.

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Principle eight and principle nine, one of them will be addressing our woman folk, and the other principle will be speaking more so about husbands and their responsibilities.

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The first principle we shared this evening is from surah to Nisa, Chapter Four of the Quran, where Allah Jalla Judah who said, speaking to the men, what is your ruhuna? Bill maruf.

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treat them fairly. Treat them, ie your wives, your husband's fairly or kindly or reasonably or honorably, these are different translations to build Maroof as we shall explain,

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and what will help us understand this principle and the extent to which you can reform a relationship is understanding the Subbable No, Zulu, the cause of Revelation, the context behind it. Imam Al Bukhari generates on the authority of Abdullah Hibino had banners. He said that before Islam, it was the custom that when the husband of a woman passed away,

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the relatives of that woman

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essentially inherited her as if she was an asset. And they would choose one of three things for her, either one of them, would reserve the right to marry her.

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Or either they would choose to marry her off to someone of their liking.

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Or either they will deprive her from marriage altogether.

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So Allah Jalla Jalla Allah who abolished this pre Islamic ignorant practice and he said, why she Rohan Nabil maruf, treat them fairly,

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treat them fairly.

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Now, let us deconstruct this instruction from Allah to us men to us husbands, he said, why she Rohan which we translate as what

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treat them

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but it is not a sufficient translation. There is an undertone I want to share with you. This word is euro one comes from the three letter word Ashura.

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Ashura Arabi, al Maliki he says in reference to a XR mobile canal, something that is wholesome, complete, perfect

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at Tomamu with canal Ashura

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and that is why in the Arabic language we refer to the number 10 as eyeshadow with a top mount of water in the end. They say in Arabic it is time well actually, it is the uppermost number of a locket it is a full number. The idea I want you to take from this word is fullness, completeness wholesomeness, perfection.

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And even in English when you want to rank something you say, on a scale of what, one two, on a scale of one to 10. So 10 indicates perfection eyeshadow.

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And that's why in the Arabic language, what do we refer to the tribe as in Arabic? Sheikh Mohammed,

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the tribe? What do we say about it? It is Al

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li Shira correct there. It is Ally Shira the same origins. Why? Because if they become AI she

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camula Umrah whom I work for has to be there. I do him because to him when they become AI, she Hera tribe, they are full. They are strong, they are powerful and they're able to exact revenge from others. The idea is that the word harsh you Rohan, this instruction of treat them involves it has an undertone of deal with them in a wholesome way, a full way, a complete way,

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as your own treat them.

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And then Allah said what type of treatment Bill maruf How did we translate Bynum out of

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how did we turn

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later about.

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Try again. We said fairly. There are many translations here fairly reasonably kindly honorably.

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But what my move actually means just from a linguistic perspective, the origins of this word is a whole. Have you heard of this word before? All of means, norms,

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customs,

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acceptability.

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So it's almost as if you're being told from a linguistic perspective, treat your wives according to what is reasonably in accordance to the norms of a society, the acceptability, the customs of a community will narrow according to the earth in one understanding.

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And this is one of the beautiful aspects of the Quran. And what makes it Kalam Allah, the miraculous word of Allah is that it sometimes speaks in open ended terms to encompass so many meanings.

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It didn't tell you how to behave with them. It gave you a general understanding, to encompass so many things, and to speak to so many tribes, so many communities, so many people who carry their way in their marital lives in different ways.

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Now, yes, I agree with you. There are certain constants in the religion of Islam, they don't change. But there are certain aspects which the religion accommodates for customs and all of the norms of people. So long as it does not contradict with one of the matters Islam mandates, or prohibits Islam, uphold the customs of people.

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It honors their norms.

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It gives it legislative weight. And you will find in the Quran there are many aspects where their religion will tell people to understand the ruling in light of the customs. It's amazing, it will say what are people doing? Do the same.

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So for example, in the topic of rights between husbands and wife, Allah Almighty said in Surah, Baqarah, Allah Hoonah Miss Luna de la Hina Bill maruf meaning for your wives are rights that are equal to their obligations according to the maruf according to the custom,

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according what is to what is fair and the norms of a society.

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When Allah Allah Allah, Allah Allah who speaks about Allah divorce, Allah subhanho wa Taala said upon aku Mara tan divorce can be retracted twice for him sir can be my roof. So either you hold on to her in my roof.

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What is fair?

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What is reasonable according to the norm, out a 300 BSN, or you divorce her with grace? Do you see how in the Quran there are many times rulings are deferred to the customs, the norms, Islam gives it weight, and that's part of its timelessness.

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And its universal application.

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And Allah Almighty, He said, When speaking about who was it who provides for the child Allah said while Mahmoudi la hora is COVID network is for to Hoonah bill with my roof, that it's for the father of the child, who was to give him maintenance and clothing according to what is my roof? What is fair, what is according to the norms and society, and the customs of a society.

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So now I bring you back to the principal,

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why she ruhuna treat them Bill my roof fairly, we've understood as you Rohan, treat them and the wholesome aspects in its undertone, and then build my roof. Fairly, we've understood the element of the whole of customs norms.

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Why is that important?

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Because sometimes, for example,

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one may marry a woman

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who comes from a particular custom.

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There is a particular acceptability that she was raised amidst, whereby, especially if she was an upper class woman from an upper class family and upper class society. And this is a woman who's never needed to lift the finger at home, she's never made the bed, she doesn't have to navigate the kitchen, she's never cooked a meal in her life. She was not expected to do that.

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And it was maids doing everything for her and her family.

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You will marry into that family, then you should be aware of that URL.

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You should be aware of that custom that she has come from and Islam requires you to accommodate accordingly.

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Now, I don't think they call them maids here in the UK, I think we call them household services, but nevertheless that will become part of the discussion in the early marital meetings. Do you see the point that I'm establishing to you here dear brother, dear sister, treat them fairly. We've, you've understood

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The instructions of this is

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now the question which poses itself is the following?

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What are the modern day expectations? Since this verse is addressing you, dear brother as a husband? What are the modern day expectations of the modern woman?

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I'm not saying to you that these expectations are right, I'm not necessarily saying they are wrong either. I'm just telling you, as a matter of fact, since you're marrying from this country, if that's what you choose to do, the Muslim Western Muslim, whether you call her Arab or Pakistani or Indian, the Muslim western woman who comes from this background, what are her expectations? What is her mouth roof?

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What is fair, according to her, so I share with you a few, you've touched on a few of them.

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First of all, part of the mouth roof, and sisters will have to pardon me, I guess I'm speaking on behalf of them. Maybe some of this is anecdotal. Some of this is research based bear with us.

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It seems that some of the modern day expectations of the modern woman, which is part of her old model of the fair treatment of today, is to be aesthetically pleasing.

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Maybe back in the days, whether in this country, or what others would say is back home, there was no such expectations. There was no expectation that you as a husband needed to take care of yourself, there was no expectation that you needed to comb your beard before you come into the house, or brush your teeth, or put on some perfume or, or, or a new pair of clothes. Maybe that expectation wasn't there, it was perfectly reasonable for you to be a fat, lard to you be for you to be a tip. Why? Because maybe you looked at your parents, and that's how it was there. And then your uncles and Auntie's and your wife, she looked up to her neighbors as well. That's what their husbands were

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doing and the neighbors neighbors and that was just the done thing. There was no expectation for a man to sort himself out.

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Today, things have changed.

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There is an expectation.

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And part of this is because of what we are exposed to both of us the genders. Today, the average 15 year old will see in one day through his social media reel, more content and a variety that maybe our grandparents had seen throughout their entire lives.

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So there is a different expectation

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that you as a brother, you take care of yourself.

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And Abdullah Hypno Abbas, he would say you need or Hebrew and atossa JANA is oujet you cannot wear Hebrew and that is a Jana, I cannot come up with that as a generally i i love to beautify myself for my spouse, just as I love it when she beautifies herself for me. And Muhammad, Hassan one of our predecessors, he also says that

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in the azalea Nullah Hoonah, cane, high entrepreneur in a hurry, I decorate myself for my woman folk, so that their eyes don't wander off. How was like 13 1400 years ago

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I beautify myself such that my woman folks eyes, they don't look beyond me.

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Now, of course, this isn't to drive us into paranoia. This isn't to maybe feel this is not me to pressure our sister to feel that she needs to do plastic surgery or to inject all sorts of Botox serums in her face and other parts of her body gives you that horrible homogenous look, they all look the same. Or similar if you as a man, you don't need to feel pressure to go injecting steroids in Dhaka into your body or implanting synthetic six packs into your abdomen. No, no, no, none of that is needed. As I got lucky. I'm just take care of ourselves, to run on the treadmill to watch our diet to eat responsibly. This is required. Part of the reason why you love your spouse so much

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and why she loved you in the beginning was because you looked so good to one another. And now that you are married, this should be maintained to keep that flame of love alive.

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But like I said it doesn't need to push us into extremes. There was an article

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in the Holige times in March 2019 It was titled UAE woman surprises her husband with plastic surgery, coma, he divorces her.

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Hola homestand hamdulillah religion has spared us from these types of burdens, but make an effort. So this is a modern day expectation of the modern woman

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to be aesthetically pleasing to the eye.

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Number two, the idea of helping out with household chores

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to navigate yourself around the kitchen to assist to help. Now again back home or back in the days. Maybe this was not an expectation upon the mat

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His job was purely the breadwinner.

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It was the public side of service and the woman's or the wife's role was purely within the home. And there was no interplay. And there was no overlap. phallus.

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Today that's different. There was a poll, and this was in India, this was an event in the West, where there was a whopping 52% of women who said that we expect our future spouses to help around in the house.

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And 40% of them just under 40%, who said, We want our future spouses to have some culinary skills? Yeah, in English, that's called cooking. Right? Understanding where the utensils are found in the kitchen assisting This is a modern day expectation.

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Just my phone? No,

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no, number three, another expectation of the modern day woman is that there is meaningful talk between husband and wife. Back in the days, or in other societies, perhaps this was not so much of an expectation. Hello, as he comes back from work at six, seven, he's absolutely knackered. If he's very generous with his time and his talk, he will maybe ask about the kids. Perhaps he will tell you something about work. And perhaps if he's very chatty, speak about the weather.

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And then we'll call us can Allah who said rally, that's the end of the day.

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Today, no, that's different. That's not sufficient anymore. Today, you're supposed to talk. I mean, meaningful, deep, engaging talk, not just intimate but about life and the deep matters of life, you're supposed to, you're expected to do that.

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Another one of those expectations, for example, is the aspect of me time.

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Me Time.

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Your mother, or your mother's mother, maybe she is completely unaware of this concept. Maybe our parents haven't heard of me time, it was just a graphed from 6am in the morning till 9pm In the evening, that was going to be her life is her family. It's her, it's her. It's her husband, it's her children. It's her parents, it's her in laws, and then you put that on repeat for the next 50 years of her life, till death do us part. know nowadays, your wife, she will say to you, I need some me time. Me Time means that I occasionally withdraw from my responsibilities towards my parents, your parents, our children, you the house, and I have some time to myself.

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And that's something that a lot of women will need. I need to just find myself, I need to be at peace with myself, I need to catch up, catalog my, my thoughts. And then she comes back in an optimal way in a thriving way in the new spirit rejuvenated, refreshed and willing to give everything for her family.

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The aspect of me time, then friendship, this is another expectation.

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So again, maybe in the past, that wasn't really a requirement, we're just kind of partners in the same business. We interact as in when for the flourishing of the institution, but then that's it.

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No, now you have to not just be a friend, you have to be the best friend.

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You have to also be the therapist. And you're the advisor, the counselor, you're the CO parent, and you're the DIY specialist, you're all of those things, a lot of the hats that a man has to wear today.

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And that creates a burden on him.

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And it can sometimes cause problems because the expectations of a husband are quite high.

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And one of the ways by the way of relieving some of this pressure from your back dear brother, research will suggest that those who cope best with this are those men who help their spouses widen their circle of friends,

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too, to network with other righteous women

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who can do the things and help you with the things that you are unable and unfit to do. So friendship that is another another requirement. And then of course, romance.

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Maybe in the past, there was nothing expected from a husband other to come home each evening carrying the shopping bags or maybe carrying the check. Colors. Does that color here? He's done his bit.

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No, now every now and then you have to come with some flowers. So you have to come with a box of chocolates. You have to come with a personalized gift. You have to come with a

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get away for the weekend. If not, you're falling short.

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So these things are part of the roof that is expected for the most part by the modern day woman. There are other things that you can include in this list and perhaps you can subtract some of these I'm not telling you what is right and what is wrong. I'm just telling you what the customer is and how the Quran is saying to you. I actually wrote one treat them

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According to the customer according to the norm, and our religion upholds our norm, so long as it doesn't do what contradicts a value of the religion.

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At this juncture I share with you, my brother,

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a matter that collides head on with the instruction of this principle.

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Something that shatters it to the core, if you have not understood everything I have said, and what the highest yield or wouldn't have been amount of looks like that at least understand a manifestation of its opposite. And that is domestic violence.

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One in three women statistics suggest we'll experience

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domestic violence by an intimate partner

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throughout the course of her life.

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And that statistic spans across all religions, all races, all cultures, all ethnicities.

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And they find also that a a woman here in Britain, statistics suggests that there is two women on average a week who are murdered in Britain because of that.

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And those who are subjected to domestic violence are three times more likely to develop mental health disorders, even the extreme ones like schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, modern day research is suggesting.

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And that was why the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was described by our mother I Isha as Muslim nerites Ma Ba ba Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, che uncocked to be.

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She said, Never did the Prophet Muhammad Ali, who salatu salam ever strike anything with his hand. Number one attend Walla Hardy man, not a woman, a wife of his, uh, not even a servant. She said Illa anugerah hit a few cebelia except in the instances where he was fighting in the path of Elijah

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and Abuja ordinariates, in his sunnah and on the authority of Eos it Bill Abdullah Hebei, AB do BB that the messenger alayhi salatu salam once had an influx of women who came to his homes, the homes of his wives complaining of heavy handed husbands.

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And so the Prophet alayhi salatu salam assembled the Muslims, and he said to them, llactapata be Ali Beatty, Mohammed Denisa on kofi Yes, schooner as well. Jehan. Many women this evening, came to the homes of the Prophet Alayhi Salatu was Salam complaining of their husbands. He said without E. coli so be theatrical.

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Those men are not the finest amongst you.

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Those men are not the finest amongst you.

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And when a woman by the name of Fatima had been to ice, told the prophet muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam that there were two men who asked for her hand in marriage of Omaha we are on what Mariah we are on one hand and Abuja him on the other hand, he said to her Don't marry either.

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And then while we first of all condemn Allah, Allah He said as from where we a he's a destitute man he has no money.

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Well Allah, Abu Jasmine, Allah Allah azza wa jal he he the stick is always on his shoulder.

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It another narration, which explains it. He said that Robin Lindley said he's a woman beater, don't marry him. Don't marry him because of that. He said,

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Never did he hit his wife's alayhi salatu salam.

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And never did he see this domestic violence as a expression of masculinity or his leadership at home, God forbid the opposite was true. Even when he was upset with his wives, like when our mothers have Sinai Isha, may Allah be pleased with them both. Were asking too much financial demands from the Prophet alayhi salaatu wa Salaam and this is this is a normal household, they're human beings, and he was upset because he was unable to provide for them.

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And he turned away from them and rumors spread that perhaps he'd even divorced them. And of course, the father of I Isha is Abu Bakr Radi Allahu Anhu and father of hoplite is Omar Roby. Allah who did his or his father in law is not just his companions.

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When they came to the Prophet alayhi salaatu wa salaam trying to understand what happened, how have they upset you? And then when he came when they came to hear of the conversation on what happened between him and his wives, each of the two men went to his daughter to beat her. Omar lepcha, half son, Abubakar left at Isha. And they said, earlier rasool Allah, Hassan Allahu Allah, he was sending money saying that you're asking of the Prophet, things that he doesn't possess.

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And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam forbade them both from touching their daughters

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Don't hit their luck, as you don't want to be the model.

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And one of the opposite manifestations of this is what domestic violence, which is not the character of Bill of a believer, those are not the finest of your men.

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So here just before we conclude this principle, move on to the second, a message to round up this principle for the brothers and a message for our sisters message for their brothers, I should own them and treat them fairly. Don't delay the application of this principle.

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And see your good and kind treatment of your life not just as bad as an act of worship, but an investment not just in your marriage, but in your own personal well being.

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See your marriage as a bank account.

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The more you deposit within it, the more you're able to withdraw.

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For those of you are unmarried, you will soon learn that there will be many times in your marriage when you will need to withdraw.

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difficult circumstances for one reason or another you and your wife, you don't see eye to eye on a matter you are withdrawing. And that rocks a lot of relationships beyond repair. You know why? Because they had not deposited during the good times. And now they want to withdraw and there's nothing to withdraw. So your flowers, your humble behavior, your health around the house, your smile, your your o'clock, that is an investment that is you depositing into that account. Therefore, when the time comes when you need to withdraw, guess what, you have a reserve and it will not affect the fabric of your relationship. And don't delay this. Don't take your wife for granted. where's she

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gonna go? Where's she gonna go Birmingham, as we say in Arabic, you've just guaranteed her presence taking her for granted. And then one day the switch goes off in her mind. And she's completely turned off towards you. And she looks at you in this gives you this cold stare as if to say I'm never coming back at the new collapse.

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And I can't count I can't even begin to count the amount of times I've seen this happen in our Shediac Council.

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We're awesome husband and wife have come to us trying to mediate the husband is begging, saying I will treat fairly now. I will live with her honorably, I will do what I need to do. I've accepted my mistake. I've delayed this principle. And she's not even looking at him. She's looking at us. And he's facing his chair completely towards her bleeding on his knees on some occasions crying his eyes out, I can't live without you, I will die. I will take my own life. I can't do this. And she's smiling, she's cold. And she says to us, I used to almost worship this man.

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I used to be at his beck and call.

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I used to kiss the floor, he walks on he was everything to me. But he abused that trust. He took me for granted. And now I feel nothing towards him. Please help us dissolve this relationship.

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So don't push your wife to the junction of no repair the juncture of no repair. Take the initiative now and make those deposits. And don't wait for those hard times to come that no man can bear.

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That's the message to the brother and then we conclude with a message to our sisters.

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Dear sister, beware of abusing this principle that Allah has favored you with that speaks to us men and says to us treat them meaning your wife's family don't abuse that principle.

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Don't take it for a ride.

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What does that look like?

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Well,

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there are a lot of contradictory expectations when it comes to marital life when it comes to a lot of our Muslim Feminist sisters,

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a lot of double standards.

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A lot of Nazism Dare I say

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because what is feminism? Feminism in its truest and purest sense, is the idea that there is a 5050 division down the middle.

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We're partners, we do everything. 5050 It's an equal split.

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So when it comes to finances, we're 5050 So me as a husband, I put 50 towards you and the house the other 50 is mine don't expect me to put a penny towards you. Or days out or anything like that. That's in its purest sense. 5050 when it comes to child rearing 5050 When it comes to protection as well. So

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I'm not going to be your knight in shining armor anymore.

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If our house is going to get burgled six times this year, you're expected to get out the bed on three occasions and tackle the thief. It's a 5050 split along the way.

00:29:46--> 00:29:55

So what is interesting is that a lot of our sisters our Muslim Feminist sisters, want to claim the benefits of being

00:29:57--> 00:29:59

a feminist, ie the 5050 split

00:30:00--> 00:30:06

And what comes with that, at the same time, they want to claim all of the benefits that come with being a Muslim woman.

00:30:07--> 00:30:12

Now, Ilaha illa Allah, you can't have the cake and eat it. These are double standards.

00:30:13--> 00:30:15

So you want

00:30:16--> 00:30:18

the traditional benefits

00:30:19--> 00:30:21

that come with marrying a Muslim man.

00:30:23--> 00:30:36

But you don't want to give the traditional responsibilities are expected from you as a Muslim woman. So for example, some of them will say, I want my husband to be

00:30:37--> 00:30:52

Smilla Mila, I want my husband to be the big provider of our home. And I want him to be that that rock that I can lean on during hard times. I want this mature, intelligent, sensible husband who listens to me who hears me.

00:30:53--> 00:31:08

I want him to be a chivalrous, the alpha male, dashing, tall, dark and handsome, right? I want him to slay the dragon. I want him to kill the beast, I want him to work three jobs for me, Jimmy, then in the same breath, she will say, you know, by the way, I don't cook.

00:31:10--> 00:31:23

And I don't expect me to clean I don't clean. And you can't tell me to do anything. As my husband has no authority over me complete. Now ilaha illallah

00:31:25--> 00:31:51

all of the benefits you want of feminism. Plus, you want all of the perks of being a traditional Muslim wife. You cannot have the cake and eat it. This is contradictory behavior. This is narcissism. This is selfish, arrogant, self entitled type of behavior. Your sister allow me and pardon me for these terms, but it needs to be called out because it's pervasive, it's prevalent.

00:31:54--> 00:31:55

So if you want

00:31:57--> 00:32:16

a husband, who's willing to perform all of the traditional roles of a good and responsible Muslim husband, guess what? He's also going to be looking for a wife who performs all of the traditional responsibilities of a Muslim woman.

00:32:18--> 00:32:30

These are two messages I wanted to share to the brother and to our sister husbands and wives. In conclusion of this verse that says how should Ohana Bill my roof treat them fairly?

00:32:33--> 00:32:46

Principle number what? Nine is from surah two Nisa chapter four of the Quran again. We're Allah Jen Lagenaria who said ldj Lu. Our Munna, holla Musa.

00:32:47--> 00:32:49

Men are the outwear moon,

00:32:50--> 00:33:01

meaning the maintainers the protectors, some have translated it as in charge the providers? How is this principle to be understood?

00:33:02--> 00:33:08

How does it encouraging encourage the flourishing of a Muslim family? A lot has been said about this as you can imagine.

00:33:09--> 00:33:16

First of all, it's important to note to your brother, your sister that both the male and the female are the creation of Allah, gender gelada.

00:33:17--> 00:33:44

And he has honored them both accordingly. And equally. Allah subhanaw taala said what occurred Khurana, Benny Adam, we have certainly honored the son of Adam, that applies to men and that applies to female mothers, fathers, husbands and wives, we've honored them. And Allah said when our book herbivore lambing, they'll have a you know does not do any injustice to His servants.

00:33:46--> 00:33:55

And Allah Almighty intends a particular function wrong purpose for the male and he intends a purpose for the female.

00:33:56--> 00:34:14

And he prepares each one of the two genders mentally and physically to carry out their function or the one of their primary roles in life. So when it record when it comes to women, Allah Almighty has chosen for them the burden and the responsibility and the privilege of childbearing.

00:34:15--> 00:34:35

They carry the children, they delivered the children, they for the most part, nurse the children and in order to assist her carry out this burden and responsibility Allah prepares her and inspires her with the innate abilities needed to fulfill this mentally speaking, physically speaking, and so on.

00:34:37--> 00:34:43

And therefore it only made sense that Allah gender Julianne who would burden the other half of society the men

00:34:44--> 00:34:54

with the responsibility of taking care of their woman folk maintaining their a woman folk, leading them to that which is in their interest

00:34:55--> 00:34:59

and steering their relationship towards their mutual and their collective flourish.

00:35:00--> 00:35:09

And similarly, Allah Almighty enables the man to carry out this responsibility and he prepares him physically for it, and mentally and emotionally as well.

00:35:11--> 00:35:15

And naturally every institution requires a leader.

00:35:16--> 00:35:21

Whether you're talking about a political institution, a business, venture,

00:35:23--> 00:35:26

or even family life, the marital institution,

00:35:27--> 00:35:38

leadership is required, that looks for the interests of those whom they are leading and managing their affairs. And when it comes to marriage, Allah Jalla Jalla Allah who has chosen

00:35:39--> 00:35:50

the man to be the caretaker, and the maintainer and the provider of his family and spouse and tending to their interests and their needs.

00:35:52--> 00:36:35

Now, of course, this is a responsibility that brings with it certain perks and certain privileges, if we may call them that, but more than more often than not, are more so than not we see this as a responsibility we see it as a burden, not something that is to be bragged about or to be seen as a power trip. couldn't look on right welcome local, must own on unright. Yeti the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said each one of you is a shepherd and shall be asked about his flock. And then he said, Roger, Laura, Allah, early beta, he was all on Andhra yet to hear a man, a husband, he is a shepherd. And he's going to be asked about his flock, ie his family, and the Hadith continues. So

00:36:35--> 00:36:48

more so not so much a perk, it is more of a responsibility which the intelligent Muslim man fears that he will fail in. Therefore, he upholds this trust and he leads with wisdom and intelligence.

00:36:50--> 00:37:11

And it is difficult to argue otherwise. The Quran is very clear as per who are the ones who manage the affairs of their family, and tend to their interests. No amount of hermeneutical gymnastics can convince us otherwise, the word husband comes from the words house band.

00:37:13--> 00:37:28

So who is the one who puts the band around the house to ensure that everything is kept in and is safe? It's the husband, it's his responsibility. And even when you look into the scripture of the Christians Now what does this word one mean?

00:37:29--> 00:37:31

At regional men are aware Munna

00:37:34--> 00:37:39

for women are on women, our Moon is the plural of a worm.

00:37:40--> 00:37:49

And a worm is in the infected mobile Anelka emphasize aggrandize form meaning someone who constantly manages the affairs of people.

00:37:50--> 00:38:14

That is what our time is. And in the context of our sisters, our mothers, our aunties, our daughters, it would be their fathers who is there Iam and later on in life, it will be their husband, who sees to their interests and provides and protects and maintains and therefore a husband who is a high game he leads his family with wisdom,

00:38:15--> 00:38:18

with knowledge, with immense patience

00:38:20--> 00:38:22

with turning a blind eye to petty matters,

00:38:23--> 00:38:46

a willingness to lose certain battles in order to win the war. Think strategically, listens empathetically. And when you look into how our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam applied this Quranic principle of our region, Ottawa, Mona Al, and these men are the maintainers, or caretakers of women, you see that he did not behave as an emperor lording over his family.

00:38:47--> 00:39:13

He was not a man who look to suppress the individuality the identity of his woman folk but he gave them space they spoke they communicated he sought their opinion if you remember when we spoke in principle six the idea of consultation that's how he understood to be a Hawaiian of the family, preserve and privileges come with it. I agree with you, that cannot be denied, especially when it comes to matters of decision making.

00:39:14--> 00:39:19

But how did the messenger alayhi salatu salam, apply this principle that you are studying today?

00:39:20--> 00:39:21

Well,

00:39:22--> 00:39:27

look at the words of a last word even New Year's Eve who said I asked I Aisha Radi Allahu Allah.

00:39:29--> 00:39:33

What did the prophets of Allahu Allahu wa sallam used to do in his home?

00:39:34--> 00:39:52

This great prophet of Allah, he must have been in a constant state of meditation, communication with Allah and Allah Jalla. Johann, beseeching him and learning from the Arch Angel Gabriel, these huge mystical things must have been happening in the home. What did he do in his home and she said to him,

00:39:53--> 00:39:56

kind of immunity it he he would be at the service of his family.

00:39:57--> 00:39:59

either send me the courage and

00:40:00--> 00:40:04

See The key here is the call to prayer and you'd get up and leave to pray. That's what he would do.

00:40:06--> 00:40:13

And a lot of our narrates that his father said that a man asked the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam or asked I Isha,

00:40:16--> 00:40:45

maca and I asked, no, maybe you Allah if you made it What did the Prophet of Allah used to do in his house? She said Kona. Josefina. I know who he used to repair his shoes. While you're here to tell about who he would stitch his clothes. Why Hakuna feminity Ali he Oh is now can I have a configurator he and he would do the same things that the average man would do in his home lock lock about Attorney General call Ramona Allen he said this is his understanding of it. Alayhi Salatu was Salam.

00:40:47--> 00:40:53

Now, having understood this, let us take a look at what role reversal looks like.

00:40:54--> 00:40:57

Since this is advocated by many segments of society,

00:40:58--> 00:41:32

we want to stay at home dad. And we want the women to put on the trousers and to become the breadwinners of society the breadwinners of the home. That's what we want a strong independent CEO. Let us take a look at what role reversal looks like. Let us take this principle of men are the called Wellmune on women, let's reverse it. Because that's what people apparently want. And make it any set will come on out to an island region of Kawamata allergy women are the one that are men. What does that look like?

00:41:33--> 00:41:49

And I'm not going to tell you an opinion. I'm just going to share with you a demographic I'm going to share with you a phenomenon. I'm going to just tell you what is happening today and how people are reacting to this revolution in gender switching. In terms of the roles I mean to say.

00:41:50--> 00:41:53

And by the way, before I proceed here, I just add a quick caveat.

00:41:54--> 00:41:56

I am not taking a dig

00:41:58--> 00:42:33

at every one of our sisters who is decided who has decided to work. I'm not doing that. Because I understand that there are certain circumstances, especially today perhaps with the rise in the cost of living and inflation and other crisis we're experiencing. Sometimes there is immense pressure on families. Sometimes the husband really is doing his bit and working more than one job to make ends meet and he's struggling. So she decides with their consultation with one another to help out and to relieve some of the to relieve some of the burden from him and she takes a job

00:42:35--> 00:42:35

to assist.

00:42:36--> 00:42:59

In that situation. Generally speaking, I praise her and I asked Allah to bless her and to reward her for going out of her way to assist her spouse and to assist her family says that Allah here, I'm not speaking about this. I am speaking about the idea of purposely intentionally consciously choosing as a man to stay at home

00:43:00--> 00:43:01

to not work

00:43:02--> 00:43:25

and in the hope that your wife will go and do your bidding for you on your behalf in the public domain. Or perhaps I'm addressing some of our sisters who only see success when she is bringing money into the home. Otherwise, domesticity is an insult. Being a mother is an insult being a homemaker is an insult. It's all beneath her. It's all demeaning.

00:43:26--> 00:44:07

I have no value, she will say unless I'm able to prove myself in the professional world. Perhaps this is what we are speaking about here. So what does the reversal of roles look like and I share with you I share this with you, my brother, my sister to increase your yaki in your certainty in Allah and to make you defend your religion. And to thank him that he's allowed you to come to a realization for things that only today people are beginning to learn and they are saying we want our region Kawan Munna and Nisha, we want responsible men we wish they existed. And look at the movements that have now come out because of this and look at the books that have been authored. I

00:44:07--> 00:44:07

share with you if you

00:44:09--> 00:44:27

first of all, there was a bit of research that was carried out by a woman by the name of Professor Alexandra can Wald from Harvard University. And she looked into the lives of 6300 couples, married couples, their finances, their lives, their habits, 1700 of which were divorced.

00:44:29--> 00:44:40

And she found that those couples where the husband was not working full time, were most likely to end in divorce.

00:44:42--> 00:44:43

You see?

00:44:45--> 00:44:56

And when you look at Vanessa Lloyd Platt, she's a divorce lawyer. And she speaks about the revolution in gender roles, and the whole phenomenon of the full time dad.

00:44:58--> 00:44:59

She says

00:45:01--> 00:45:07

divorces where the man is a full time dad have doubled in the last five years,

00:45:08--> 00:45:17

and now account for 10% of all marital breakups, just by him being at home, he may be the perfect dad,

00:45:19--> 00:45:20

the perfect homemaker.

00:45:21--> 00:45:26

She doesn't want him anymore. He seems unattractive doesn't fancy him.

00:45:27--> 00:45:37

And then she goes on to say in my experience 25 to 30% of couples where there is a stay at home dad, and in acrimonious splits 30%.

00:45:39--> 00:45:43

And it is almost always the woman who initiates proceeding.

00:45:44--> 00:45:53

Who is the one who complains and is no longer interested in the other more often than not, it's the woman who says I want to end this relationship,

00:45:55--> 00:46:11

not interested in him. This makes perfect sense. When scientists or researchers or psychologists are describing women as hypergamy is hypergamy describes the tendency of a woman to marry up to date up.

00:46:12--> 00:46:23

It means that she aspires for a man who is above her in terms of socio economic background higher in educational background. That's called the hypergamy. By her nature, she wants to look up to someone.

00:46:24--> 00:46:42

So she says that it's the women who are initiating these proceedings. So Subhanallah, the model that was created by women, the women are the ones who were saying we want out of it, we don't like it anymore. Where are the men? Where are they? And then she goes, bottom line

00:46:44--> 00:47:12

is that if bottom line is that they don't respect their other half anymore. And if they don't respect him, they don't fancy him. And it's a slippery slope. And then she goes on to speak about certain heartbreaking examples she's experienced in her firm, whereby a husband was dealt a very cruel blow where his wife, although he was a full time dad and doing everything right at home, his wife went off with a dashing alpha male colleague of hers that work, that's what she wants at the end of the day.

00:47:13--> 00:47:20

And then she says, what we're seeing here is not just a reversal, but a total revolution in gender roles.

00:47:22--> 00:47:23

Then I take your attention to Sweden,

00:47:25--> 00:47:40

who rates number one in the EU index for gender equality. So Sweden has completely flattened the curve, gender identity, quality, equal opportunities in every sense of the word. It's the most egalitarian country in the world, as you know.

00:47:42--> 00:48:06

Some economists did some studying to see the relationship between career progression and the likelihood of divorce on on the two genders. And what they found that it was women who were far more likely to pay a personal price for their career success with respect to their marriages, but it was not the case for men.

00:48:07--> 00:48:28

They found, and I'm just describing to you the context I'm describing to you what's happening, they found, especially in the field of politics, and CEOs. When a woman grows in her hurt role as a politician, there is a greater likelihood that her family life will take a hit, and she will end in divorce. And that was not the case with male politicians.

00:48:30--> 00:48:44

And they found that when a woman became a CEO, he was far more likely for her to end in divorce. And that was not the case for male CEOs. Why is that the case? That's something to think about.

00:48:46--> 00:48:49

Then I take your attention to

00:48:51--> 00:49:03

what they call the TRad wives movement. Have you heard of them? Trapped wives movement is short for traditional wives. It's basically a movement and it is really gaining momentum.

00:49:04--> 00:49:11

That's been around since the early 60s. And it's about reviving the role of the traditional wife in the house

00:49:12--> 00:49:17

where she is a homemaker. These are non Muslims, by the way, a homemaker

00:49:18--> 00:49:34

handing the reins of responsibility over to her husband, and allowing him to control the finances managing the affairs of the home. And she wants to be there for him, for the family and for the children. The Trad wives movement, gaining popularity in the UK, in Brazil, in Germany and Japan.

00:49:36--> 00:49:59

And there is a woman by the name of Helen and Dylan, who is a American Mormon mother of eight children. In 1963. She she wrote a book and she started essentially, this this movement and she's basically calling that calling for women to aspire to an ideal of femininity and to manipulate to

00:50:00--> 00:50:18

There are men with their feminine charms, and to see why phellinus As the core to a happier relationship and not as a threat to your individuality. And they are saying these women that tell men not to be men and women not to be women, and you're going to get a family breakdown each and every time.

00:50:19--> 00:50:44

And Dixie who is the daughter of Helen, the founder, she says that we're saying to feminists today, thank you very much for the trousers. But we see life in a different way. And they say, We're just asking to not be judged. And they're carrying out now these online courses to speak about what it means to be a tribe wife. And there's hundreds of 1000s of subscribers and it is growing.

00:50:45--> 00:50:47

So what are we seeing here? We're seeing a tectonic shift.

00:50:49--> 00:50:59

We're seeing a huge moving of the goalposts now the standards are changing. It's as if people are saying we wish for a regional Kawamoto

00:51:00--> 00:51:02

we wish for a responsible men.

00:51:04--> 00:51:05

Right? Where are they?

00:51:06--> 00:51:08

So the title seems to be shifting.

00:51:09--> 00:51:23

Then you have authors like Suzanne Venca, Suzanne Vanco, she is a best seller author. And she's got several books. She's got a small booklet called the Bossy wife diet. And she's got a book called The to income trap.

00:51:26--> 00:51:28

She has a book also called

00:51:29--> 00:52:08

the alpha female Guide to Men and marriages, the alpha female Guide to Men and marriages. Basically, what she's seeing Suzanne, Ivanka is that America at the moment is obsessed with the idea of the of the alpha female, the strong, the aggressive, the dominant woman who was successful, who's a CEO who brings in a handsome income. And she says that's fine. But the only issue is that to the alpha female when she is when she marries, she becomes the Alpha wife and an alpha wife is a bossy wife who controls everything and no man wants to marry a boss.

00:52:09--> 00:52:12

No man wants to marry a woman who's controlling everything.

00:52:14--> 00:52:42

Right? And she speaks about how you may be the most dominant woman at work. She says Suzanne Ivanka, but when you got home at five o'clock, she says you got to drop a few gears. Otherwise, your relationship is going to be in tatters. And then she says Suzanne Venca women are taught to chuck their femininity and to become more like men, dominant, aggressive and in charge, and that might get you ahead at work. But at home, it will land you in a ditch.

00:52:43--> 00:52:45

Finally, you have Laura Doyle.

00:52:47--> 00:52:51

Laura Doyle wrote a book called The surrendered wife.

00:52:53--> 00:52:57

And then she wrote another book after it called the Empowered wife.

00:52:58--> 00:53:07

And the idea of this book is to hand over control, leadership, management of the home entirely to your husband.

00:53:09--> 00:53:10

This is her idea.

00:53:11--> 00:53:14

When she speaks about her personal experience with her husband, John.

00:53:15--> 00:53:17

She said that our relationship was in a really bad place.

00:53:19--> 00:54:01

And we were just miserable and lonely and nothing was happening. Intimacy was gone. Then I realized he said it was it was me because I was trying to take control of everything. I was trying to be in charge. I was telling him what to wear on what to do on what to spend and he didn't like that. She said, Because the man sees a bossy woman as a woman who's like his mum and no one wants to have relations with his mum. That's what she says. So she said I surrendered. I gave him control over the finances. I lavished him with praise. And then she says I was I made myself available to him whenever he needed. And she said the man who had wooed me came back as she believes she swears by

00:54:01--> 00:54:19

her theories. And so she authored this book called The surrendered wife. And you'd think that this title, the surrendered wife would cause so much negativity, right. It's like against everything that the feminist movement is pushing forward and so called accomplished. Actually, it struck a chord and the book became a national bestseller.

00:54:21--> 00:54:59

And people were looking to interview her left, right and center now she has does put disclaimers and caveats like the surrendered wife is not the submitted wife and the surrendered wife is not to be seen as a doormat. But the surrendered wife is one who relinquishes inappropriate control this these were her words relinquishes inappropriate control, gives that to her husband because if you don't do that, and you try to manage everything in his eyes, he's inadequate and you've made him effeminate. You've made him into a woman so he will no longer try. She said give it to him. Pass it all over to him. Trust Him, praise him be available for him. This is what she

00:55:00--> 00:55:08

Saying, and she claims that the relationship will improve. Why am I sharing this with you? It's not tongue in cheek.

00:55:09--> 00:55:33

I'm just trying to show you that there is a shift that's happening now in the scene. And with all that being said, and the movement away from the fitrah, the natural disposition, people are slowly finding their way back round, as if to say, Where are the responsible men? Where are they rejected, we'll call one moon Island Nice. So raise your head high and be proud of your religion.

00:55:34--> 00:55:43

And finally, I say, in the last 20 or 30 seconds that we have, I know that a lot of our sisters aspire, aspire to this type of ideal.

00:55:45--> 00:55:54

It's in their natural disposition, it comes to them, it's part of their proclivity to aspire for something like this. It's not like they don't want to,

00:55:55--> 00:55:59

but because in many cases, they don't see it demonstrated properly.

00:56:00--> 00:56:15

They see some men who are immature, irresponsible, bums, want to stay at home, just living off the government benefits, playing games all day, going out with his friends, not taking care of family not speaking to in laws. It is the one that

00:56:16--> 00:56:25

and you see, if you look at you, you want to be another feminist from the second wave. I've read all about you. I know all about you. No, no, it's not always like that.

00:56:26--> 00:56:35

They Aspire a lot of women for this type of idea. And they believe in the Quran and the Sunnah just as you do, but they don't see a lot of men demonstrating it properly.

00:56:36--> 00:56:50

And so what you see as a rebellion against scripture, no in her eyes is what? So rebellion against your interpretation, my interpretation, you're in my application of the Quran. The Fault in many cases is in us not in them.

00:56:52--> 00:57:21

I pray to Allah subhanaw taala that I've been balanced in giving certain messages to our brothers and certain messages to our sisters, and distributing this evening's principles across both of husbands and wives. We've covered Asherah wound up in my roof, treat them fairly, and we've covered at Regera Lu Kawa, Munna Island these men are the maintainers protectors and so on. Of their woman Folk was still alone and Amina Mohamed would have to me