Mind The Gap Improving Family Relations

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Abdul Nasir Jangda

Channel: Abdul Nasir Jangda

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Episode Transcript

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I have some of my talking points on my phone. And the problem is that one of my good friends won't stop not just texting me. He's tweeting at me. And so I have the notifications on so it keeps popping up. And there you go. So here comes another one.

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All right Sharla. So Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu salam ala rasulillah Allah Allah, he was happy to be here as Marine, you know, everyday hamdulillah it's been great visiting Knoxville and I've really enjoyed my time here.

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really gotten to meet some great brothers and sisters, some wonderful families. And man, you know, really, really talked a lot about how wonderful Knoxville is. And

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you know, what makes any place that amazing are of course, the people. And so he's been saying some remarkable things about the people and Mashallah you guys have definitely lived up to your reputation. And I've really, really enjoyed meeting everyone here. Every single time before a session, I tell myself and I think to myself, that you know, maybe I want to maybe have a little bit more of a serious topic a little bit more serious of a talk and maybe kind of just, you know, drop the knowledge a little bit. Well, we have a session for that tomorrow anyways, but then whenever I get up here, then there's so many things on my mind and so many things I want to say and I'm

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sincerely honestly having such a good time that I decided to cut loose again. Something interesting, something very, very interesting. I want to share with you guys

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right before as I was coming up here in a sheriff was reading my bio.

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We were kind of having a little bit of a laugh there. And we weren't laughing at Ashraf No, don't worry.

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We were laughing because when he was reading my bio, it said that I went to go and hamdulillah by the grace and mercy of Allah I went to go memorize the Quran 1989 and the first thing Murphy said to me was like, Wow, you're old.

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Because I was about 10 years old at the time and he was a year old when I memorize the Quran. He was one year old. That's how old he was. So that goes to show you number one how old I am. Yet how cool I am. All right, that I'm still cooler than he is all right, even though I'm practically an uncle now.

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That's the end. We're unplugging you right now. You've been cut off. No. So hummed Allah, I wanted to kind of add on a couple of things to what brother Murphy was talking about and then actually wanted to take a little bit of a different angle towards the end of my speech. Now more people are getting into this Twitter fest here. God make it stop, my phone is buzzing non stop. So airplane mode for the wind. So he was talking about respecting parents. He's talking about respecting parents. And you know, that's a topic that brother Murphy kills Mashallah, it's, it's amazing every single time he talks about it, because I think what he says, I think the way he talks about it, I

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think the way he approaches it really resonates with the youth, they get it, they understand. And it's it's a lot more easier. You guys who have been attending the session throughout the weekend, have seen my kids kind of running around and coming on stage and wreaking havoc on the sessions.

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I'm a dad now. So when I talk about respecting parents, I'm just trying to make sure you know that my kids get the message, you know, I'm just trying to take care of my position here. When brother Murphy talks to you about it, I think you feel like it's one of your own, giving you some honest, sincere advice that he's kind of come into, like he was mentioning very honestly, to you that, you know, you know, he had some struggles in trying to figure out a good balance in his relationship with his parents. And so when he gives you that advice, it's one of your own, telling you something who just has a few years of seniority on you. But it's just enough seniority for him to have

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realized some very, very powerful, valuable things, which will come in handy to you, which will come in handy to you, you know, in any line of work in any line of work. You know, whether it be you know, apprenticeship was the way people learned art was the way people learn to skill. And it's something that's gone away from us more and more and more, but in certain fields of different practice or knowledge or skills. All right, that apprenticeship still exists. Like for instance, you know, in medicine, they make you do a medical residency and you have an attending and you have a supervisor and he looks over you and you follow him around and you do the rounds and all that good

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stuff. It's an apprenticeship, even in knowledge and in the line of you know, basically what we're trying to spend our life doing. The more effective scholars and you guys are probably experienced as much Hello brother Murphy again and one of the things he told me about Knoxville is this is a blessing community. It might be small, it might you know, might not really jump out and stick out on the map. You have to click zoom in like twice actually see Knoxville on the map. All right, those okay? No, no offense intended.

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In spite of that, the bigger cities that you have around you, you guys are visited by 10 times as many scholars than those other big cities are and you're visited by

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you know, there are three major cities that are within driving distance that are probably a lot bigger than Knoxville that I currently have emails waiting from. And that actually one of those cities when they found out I was coming to Knoxville, they got really, really upset with me, is that we emailed you a year and a half ago. I was like, Murphy lives in Knoxville, right so that was my defense. But uh, but regardless martial arts a blessing community you are visited by many people have knowledge. And and you seen this, the scholars that are more effective that have that Baraka and blessing in their work in their knowledge in their in today are again, typically those scholars

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that didn't just pick up a book and just master it. They're not just somebody who just scoured the internet reading up answers, memorizing answers, and they come and they throw them at you. They were, they were apprentice, right? They they were apprentices. For other scholars, they sat, you know, with a scholar for years and years, for decades, the sat at the feet of scholars, they followed them around, they listened to them, they spoke next to them, they, you know, they learned from them on the move on the goal in life. And that's what that that's what contributes to making them so effective. So

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this, this is a skill, this is an art that's really, really lost on us today. So learning and and going around. And so with brother brotman, Murphy, you have that opportunity. He's still very much qualifies as a young person. But he's a young person who has a lot of experience, right? For such a young age. And he's realized some great things. And so when he talks to you about the youth, like I was saying, I think it's really effective, I find it effective. You know, I find it effective. By time my kids kind of get to, you know, teenage years, brother of mine, Murphy will be uncle of drama and Murphy by then. But that's why I'm glad that these video cameras are on. So my kids can go back

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and watch his videos. So when they start to act out, I'm like, you need to watch a YouTube video now. Right? So that'd be the first time in history a parent ever said that. But inshallah that's what I look forward to. But one thing I wanted to add on to what he was saying. So he was he kind of mentioned it kind of in passing, that the ayah he was sharing with you, one of the things that becomes apparent from the context of the idea, and something that's added on into tafsir of that idea, where you don't even say Oh, if you don't even you don't even behave inappropriately towards your parents or body language, and say good things to them, and lower your wings of mercy for them

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and make do offer them. One of the subtleties in that is, is that it is talking about senile parents, right, talking about senile parents talking about older parents. And the note about that is, you know, again, younger folks, you have no idea what that's like, maybe you've seen your grandparents in that age. That's actually how I know hamdullah my parents aren't really senile yet, but they're starting to get old. They're physically becoming frail. And and they're they they demand and they need a lot more than they then they did 10 years ago. I mean, there's something I vividly remember. So I'm 32 years old. So I you know, I have a large memory of spending life and spending

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time with my parents, they need a lot more, they require a lot more in terms of patience in terms of emotions, like they they have more emotional needs. They have more physical needs than they did 10 years ago, and noticing it day by day. But what I really got to see was my grandmother passed, you know, towards the end of her life, to have both both of my grandmother's I never knew my grandfather's a one passed away before I was born. The mother passed away when I was still very young. But my grandmother's were people I got to spend a lot of time with, because I studied in Pakistan, that's where I did the bulk of my studying. And that's where most of my teachers are at,

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and they were there as well. So I would go and spend time with them and visit them quite often. One of my grandmother's towards the end of her life, she became physically very ill mentally completely sound emotionally still very strong. But her body just completely fell apart. major medical issues, major ailments and sicknesses. And I saw the toll that that took on her children to take care of her to care for her to be there for her. All right, constant carry required. My other grandmother, my mom's mom,

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physically Alhamdulillah she died very healthy. She was walking around and she was physically very active. Even though she was very old. She was into like, you know, 90s but at the same time

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she she got Alzheimer's. Her mind gave up on her. Her mind fell apart

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and tour and the Alzheimer's kept getting more and more and more aggressive to the point where towards the end of her life she had developed like full on dementia, and she would not remember anything. And she would wake up like screaming and paranoid didn't know where she

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was, she wouldn't recognize anyone she was so difficult to deal with. She was so uncooperative were doctors were at the point where it's practically I mean, they were like saying, That's it, just hook her up to some, you know, some some medication,

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like morphine or whatever pain and sleep medication, just let her sleep 1618 hours a day, just keep her drugged up all the time, because it was just so difficult. And of course, you know, because their children loved her, they didn't want to do something like that to her. But it was just very, very difficult to deal with. So when the ayah talks about senile parents, you have to understand that our parents, especially those of you who are a lot younger than me, half my age, your parents are so very elusive and lucid, and they're intelligent, and they're, you know, active and they're in there literally, you know, at their intellectual peak.

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Throughout your intellectual peak, you know, the intellectual peak of man is at the age of 40. So in the blue and profit will be granted to majority of people at the age of 40. So they're still very much in the prime of their life. They are not that difficult to deal with.

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They are not that difficult to deal with. When you have a senile parent, when you have a physically incapacitated parents.

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That's what requires a lot of patience. That's what really where you're, you're tested in your character, whether you will ignore them or not.

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And that's what it's talking about. So I wanted to kind of, you know, complete that picture for you guys. And there's a couple of like stories there Proverbs, their stories, their morals, there's lessons that are told that are very insightful, and I want you to hear this out. There's a saying, There's a saying, some people have mentioned this as a Hadith, but there's little to no evidence establishes as the Hadith. Nevertheless, this is quoted as a from the hiccup as a as a as words of wisdom, that they say, Boudreaux Abba,

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your guru, calm.

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All right, do good by your parents, and your kids will do good by you.

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What goes around, comes around.

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And that's something very important to remember. All right, something very important to remember you reap what you sow, you reap what you sow.

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And they used to tell us stories. Our teachers even told us this.

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You know, an elderly man, he was physically mentally completely just falling apart, losing it senile, old, physically frail. And he was so difficult to deal with. He was so impatient, so angry, like people, when they start to become senile is that they're very angry and impatient. The Quran says you're, you're not doing it. Right, they get returned back to the worst of ages, they become like paudi little children.

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And so this elderly man is so difficult to deal with, that the Son picks him up and says, I'm done with you.

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I'm just done. I'm not dealing with this anymore. I can't.

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So he picks him up. Because he any walk, he picks him up, and he starts walking with Him. Just picks him up and walks out of his house says I'm gonna go somewhere far away to the middle of the forest. I'm just gonna leave you there.

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And I don't know what happens to you. I don't care what happens to you.

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And he's walking and walking, walking. And eventually they reach a point. And the father says, This is good. You can leave me here. This is why you're okay with being left. Here. He goes, No, I'm telling you can leave me here because this is where I left my father.

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When my father got old, and he got senile, and he got difficult to deal with, I picked him up, I walked out of my house and said, I'm done with you. I can't deal with you anymore. And I came to this point and I left him here. So you can leave me here cuz it's just

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it's coming right back to me. I'm getting what I deserve.

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Another little story, you know that our moms are our teachers used to tell us Was this an elderly man? Again, old and frail and seen our eyes are weak. He can't really see the clock. You know, can't use the cell phone to check the to carry a cell phone know what time it is. So he's sitting there. He's squinting at the clock and he goes, son,

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what time is it? And his son is a grown, you know, grown man is in a grown independent, intelligent adult at this point has his own life, his own wealth, his own money, his own everything.

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So he says that it's nine o'clock.

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So he says, okay, two minutes later, he's like, son, what time is it?

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And he's like,

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Dad, it's nine o'clock, maybe 902. Now.

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A couple of minutes later, he's like some

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What time is it?

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And the sun goes, are you stupid?

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Like, are you alright? Is something busted? You asked me the same question within five minutes. What time do you think it is? Is 905? Right? We didn't transport through time.

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Right? I don't see Michael J. Fox into DeLorean here anywhere. It's 905 What's wrong with you?

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And he's like, son, I know. It's 905

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I asked you this question, to see how many times I could ask you before you became irritated with me. Because when you were three years old,

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Daddy, what time is it?

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It's nine o'clock. Nine o'clock, baby. It's nine o'clock.

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30 seconds. Hey, Daddy, what time is it?

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Hey, buddy, it's 901 you

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another 60 seconds later, Daddy, what time is it?

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60. Daddy, what time is it now? It's 903. We can do this all night.

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And he said, You literally asked me that question 60 times within one hour. And every single time I answered with a smile on my face with a different little gesture and expression to make you happy. And I was okay with it. I asked you three times. And that's it. That's all you could afford me after everything I afforded you.

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So it's it's perspective is all it is, folks. It's perspective.

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So that's one thing I definitely wanted to talk about. I wanted to address kind of add on to what brother Murphy had talked to you guys about

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the other topic, the other. There's a bunch of things in my head. But the other thing that I wanted to get to, I wanted to make sure I was able to talk about is kind of talk about the other side of things. And I did a little bit of that earlier today where I wanted to speak to the parents in regards to their children, you know, in the Quran, every single time Allah subhanaw taala talks about giving children

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giving children every single time Allah subhanaw taala talks about giving children granting children offspring sons and daughters and children. allows parents Allah does not use the word at all. Which means to give. Allah does not use the word he Tao which means to grant a little more respectful or nicer grant.

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Allah subhanaw taala uses the word Heba.

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Heba. The word Heba in the Arab language means gift. What does it mean everyone? Gift yabuki manga in Athan well yahudi manga shot with Dooku for harmony Mila Dinka Juliet Santa Eva family Milan Kalyan hablan amin as Regina was Julia Tina kurata, are you.

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Allah uses the word gift, because children are a gift and something specifically something a little bit of a nuance about the Quranic language and Quranic vocabulary. The word hibbott means a specific type of gift, it means a gift that nothing is expected in return for that gift. It is an unconditional gift that is a generous gift. When you give something you don't want nothing, you don't expect anything in return just here. Just out of the goodness out of the generosity out of the kindness of someone's heart. They give you a big old gift. That's what children are children are a gift. They are a treasure. They are precious. You know, we say these things when it's time to

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fundraise. You know, they're our future. children are our future. They are literally our future. And what we have to understand a lot of times is not just to carry on our name, not even something religious like to carry on our Deen but the or even our future in terms of the A lot of our era. And how we will do how we will fare in the oxido is based on our children.

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They're either an investment or they're in indictment.

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They're either an investment or they're in indictment for you in the in the hereafter. That's why the Prophet brother of the man was talking about making God for your parents after they passed away. The Prophet of Allah salallahu alayhi wa sallam says, when a human being leaves this world is action sees they're done, they're finished, except for three things. What was the third of those three things? Well, I don't Solomon, a pious righteous child yet or Allah who who continues that's why the profits a lot he seldom uses the presence slash future tense form of the verb he continues to make while for his parents. For his mom or his dad.

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That's an investment into your aka. So children are a gift. They're a treasure from Allah subhanho wa Taala. And we need to learn to treat them as such.

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And so a few things. A few basic pointers I wanted to give this is the topic in and of itself, and I realized that but a few basic things we can all walk away with a few things today.

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Number one, spend quality time with your kids.

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Listen, let me let me let me be very honest about something. Even mothers spend quality time with your kids. But I'm really not in a position to talk to the mothers, mothers are superheroes. All right, and I'll talk I'll talk I'll talk tell you something very specific about our dynamic, again, the immigrant Muslim community dynamic, because again, immigrants typically have their backs up against the wall, and they face so many challenges. The father, the dad, the breadwinner, the head of the household has to go so pedal to the metal, and making sure that they are able to succeed, and they have a nice home to live in, and that he has a good, you know, secure income, and that his

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children have a good, brighter future and a great education and all of those wonderful things that that tend to become very absent.

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Tad's tend to become extremely absent. And in those cases, moms are stepping up

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there just amazing in the way that they're stepping up, like big time moms are clutch in the way that they're stepping up. But at the same time, still a little bit of a humble suggestion. All right, and if I'm wrong, May Allah forgive me. But our humble suggestion to the mothers as well is that, you know, you care so much for the kids, and you spend so much time with the kids and you do so much for the children, make sure that there is some time that's also invested into just communication and conversation, make sure that all your conversations with your kids are not simply telling them what to do and telling them what they did not do. That's a part of being a mom, you're

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you're you're the you're the floor, General, you're running the house, you're the manager on the floor right there. So you have to manage that home. And I completely understand and respect that. But at the same time, make sure that all the conversations, all of the communication is not simply do this, don't do that. Did you do this? Did you do that? Make sure there is just some heart to heart communication. There are deeper conversations, something interesting, I share with people, it's personal. But it's one of those moments where we're you know, we're family, all families are here. It's Thanksgiving weekend, everybody's here feeling comfortable. So I don't mind sharing

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something personal with you guys. I learned emaan I learned how to believe from my mom. I learned how to believe from my mom, I learned a lot from my dad, how to conduct myself how to be a man how to, you know, present myself how to walk and how to talk like a proper, respectful man, by learning how to believe a man from my mom, because those were conversations from the very getgo. from very early on my relationship, my bond, my connection with the Quran was through my mom.

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Because every day after selected fudger, she would make sure I sat in her lap and read Quran with her.

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And so it's very, very important that you make sure that that quality time is being invested.

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And then to the father's

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quality time. And I say this as a father, so I'm talking to myself, no offense meant to anyone. I'm lecturing myself, I'm reprimanding myself. When I go home, and I sleep in the home for eight hours, I eat for 30 minutes, and then I knock out and I go to sleep and I sleep for eight hours. That does not qualify as time spent at home with the family. I was sleeping on my face, I was drooling on my pillow. That's not time spent with my family with my children, spend quality time with your children during the day, when they're awake, when they're energetic, when they're active, and talk to them, do activities with them, go out with them, run around with them, play sports with them, do whatever

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it takes, but connect with them.

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And that's that's what becomes meaningful. That's what's valuable. That's where those connections are made. That's what those channels of communication are established. That's when your kids are comfortable talking to you, coming to you for anything and everything. So that time is very, very important, quality time. And there are two things that often get in the way of those quality of that quality time. Number one is worldly pursuits, right, like I said, backs up against the wall, we got to succeed. You know, when I came here, I came here with $10 in my pocket, and I didn't speak a lick of English. And I was able to make all of this happen.

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more power to you. I respect you for doing that. But also at the same time understand that what you were, you know, you know, kids, yes, sometimes in their impatience in their in gratitude out of their immaturity, they will complain when they can't have the new phone when they can't have the new computer when they can't have the nice new shoes. But at the end of the day, when they're grown up, and when they look back at their life, and they try to reflect on their relationship with you, as a father,

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the shoes that you bought them and the house that they lived in and the furniture that they had, will not mean anything to them if they weren't if they didn't have a good meaningful relationship with you. If you have to work a little less overtime, and you won't be able to buy the nice bigger house. It's okay. If when they turn 16 you're gonna have to buy them a beater civic instead of instead of a nice BMW. It's okay do it.

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But save that time and make sure

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You spend that time with your children, go home, get home when they're still awake, they're still alert. They're still in their day, eat with them together, you know, the Center for Substance abuse and addiction. based at a Columbia University, they published research. It was a time magazine ran with the story in June 2006, where they talks about families that eat one meal together,

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make happier, healthier homes and families. Just because you're spending meaningful, awake, alert time together, and they're kind of doing an activity together that naturally spawns it breaks the ice and it's bonds conversation.

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And we have the most beautiful function. What is our function? What more Annika be Salatu was sobre la.

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Let's pray with your family. You are the Messenger of Allah, Allah He said because he was a leader. He was the Imam, the prophet of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam used to pray five times a day in the masjid.

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But where did the prophet SAW sent me used to pray sooner prayers back in the home, back at home. And you know what the difference between the home and the machine was, this is the home. That's the machine. Like there was a curtain that separated his home from his machine. That was it. But he would have the the awareness, the consciousness, the diligence,

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that where he just got done praying in the machine here, he would take the four steps, cross through the curtain and go and pray in the home with the family members.

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With the family,

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spend time together quality time, don't let your worldly pursuits get in the way because when they're grown in their race, I know. And again, I don't want to get too specific. So it sounds very theoretical. But I know people remember I kind of shared earlier this morning, how I'm part of a generation. You know, I'm 32 years old, and Dallas, Texas, it's a very young community, like our communities, everything that you hear about our community has happened in the last 1011 years. When I graduated came back, that's when we got to work. It's a it's a very young community. And so when I was growing up there, at that time, there was literally a dozen families. Very small community, very

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tight community. And so the guys that I grew up with, you know, and they were the first people to land on the ground, they're the first people to try to succeed and build something there for themselves in their careers and their future and their success.

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Those guys that I grew up with today have absolutely nothing to do with their families. They have nothing to do with their parents, they went out of their way to move away and to never come back

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on their aid their parents cry, please come home for a day.

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And the reason is, is because and their parents, I mean, even that is ungrateful. Because these guys that I'm talking about are doctors and surgeons and engineers and, you know, corporate Hot Shots working on the 18th floor, the 25th floor.

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But what they say is Yeah, you know, you gave us a lot of this.

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A lot of work, education and money and cars and nice stuff. But I don't even know who you are. I don't have any relationship with you.

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I don't know, you know what, you I know nothing about you and you know nothing about me. So what's the point of going through this, this this charade?

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What's the point? At the same time, the parents of those same, and remember these adults being in the position of any mom or a community leader or a teacher? at a very basic level? You know, obviously, I'm used to people a lot older than me coming and talking and seeking advice. But it's really awkward with these parents, these uncles and Auntie's, because these are the uncles and Auntie's that saw me in my diapers. Like they are my uncles and aunts. And when they come and sit in front of me with tears in their eyes, and they're crying, and they say, NASA Britta,

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we achieve so much. I have so much money, I don't know what to do with it. All of my kids are doctors. I have so much accomplished in a worldly sense. But at what price at what cost?

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My children want nothing to do with me today. I live by myself.

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Meaning I don't even have any family.

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I don't have anyone to talk to have no one to share the happiness with I have no one to share holidays with.

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I find out about my grandchildren being born on Facebook.

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Very serious.

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So we have to take into consideration at what cost are we willing to achieve success? And then I don't think it's a really huge problem. Some communities it's a bigger problem, but even religious pursuits, it can become an issue and a problem.

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The dirty little secret

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The dirty little secret of this line of work religious line of work, if you want to call it that is that the Imams of the children of the moms and children scholars are often the most distant and have the least amount of interest in Deen.

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And you know where that stems from where that comes from, because again, I was so pedal to the metal, and learning and teaching and preaching and changing the world and solving people's problems, and giving good buzz, and doing all this amazing work. That what was I sacrificing? My children, they didn't see me. They didn't spend time with me didn't know me. And the children grow up realizing that Islam is the thing that took my father away from me.

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That took my mother away from me. And that's the last thing they want anything to do with when they do grow up. So as parents understand, we have a lot of discourse in our communities about the rights of the parents, and rightfully so, young uns, you need to respect your parents, that's not a choice. It's not an option. It's ordained by God.

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That's it. End of story. But at the same time, I think we need to balance it out with it, we talk in our communities, about the responsibility that parents shoulder, it's a huge responsibility. So please understand that. The other thing, kind of I have just a few basic points, it's tied into the same topic.

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Talking about the spending quality time together, one of the big, you know,

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conceptual problems that we have like concepts. One of the things we've misunderstood in our Deen in our religion is we need to redefine the boundaries of a Baba worship, redefine the boundaries right now. If I don't go to the masjid in the evening to praise Allah and Gemma, you know, we should pray as much as possible salah and congregation. But if I didn't today, because why I was going to have a special dinner with my children with my wife. And I was getting then sit and have a conversation with my kids and play some board games with my kids. There's a guilt that's involved with that. There's a guilt that's involved with that time spent with my wife, when I go out to an intimate

00:32:13--> 00:32:25

dinner with my wife, that's bad. Like now I gotta go and make that up time make that time up with Allah. Because that was time spent away from Allah. When I roll around and wrestle around in my living room with my kids,

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then I have to get serious and go pray. I got to make up for all this time that I wasted. We have to redefine the boundaries of everybody. Spending time with your spouse, intimacy with your spouses, everybody that worship is is a family gathering. So I'm going to kind of speak in code a little bit, but I want the older folks like the parents and the married people, I want you to really, really pay attention to what I'm saying. All right, and read through the code. The Prophet of Allah sallallahu Sallam tells his companions, that physical intimacy with one spouse is an act of reward and worship literally, you get reward. Elijah has an ad for physical intimacy with your spouse. So how about are

00:33:04--> 00:33:12

the Allahu anhu are baffled? Because if you look at the basic surface level fifth of it, what do you have to go and do after physical intimacy with the spouse?

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The hotter you have to go and achieve the hotter purification? How could that be something that you get rewarded under for

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the Prophet of Allah salatu salam says, Well, obviously this is a human need. If you were to go and fulfill that human need elsewhere, would you be sinful or not? Absolutely. So if you're doing it in the right way, in the proper way, you're fulfilling the right of your spouse, why wouldn't it be an act of worship and reward?

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Spending time to Southern God the Prophet of Allah sallallahu Sallam says that to sit and to put a morsel like like a bite of food lovingly into the into the mouth, like feed with your own hand, your wife, like you know, romantic gestures and silliness and spending time together to do that with your wife, that's an that's a sadaqa. It's charity. Its reward is protection from the hellfire. Spending time with your kids is an act of very bother in worship, redefine these boundaries. Family is a beautiful institution, a man posted a little note the other day online

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about a quote from a scholar where he was saying and I mean, this is something you know, I completely 100% agree. This is something I've been saying for a very long time. But it was so succinctly so beautifully, so comprehensively put into a few words, where he said, putting religion before family is impossible.

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Putting religion before families impossible because family is religion. Families are part of your religion. The family is a part of your deen family is a part of your devotion and dedication to Allah. So when you say putting religion before your family, you're contradicting yourself.

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It's like I'm going to put my religion before Salah, that's stupid that makes no sense.

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So you can't put religion before your family either. That means you haven't understood religion.

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The Prophet of Allah sallallahu sallam, you know, you would very rarely get upset with someone. The racism was the the institution the beacon, the epitome the standard of patience, self control, right? A man urinates in the machine.

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All right, and for the young folks so that you understand this what that means. A man walks in and pees in the machine.

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What is the profits a lot he sent him do?

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What's his reaction?

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You know what his reaction was? No reaction. He's just chillin.

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Some people start to get kind of relaxed, take it easy.

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When the man's done, he actually says let him finish.

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When he's done, the prophet of Allah syllogism request, can I speak to you for a few minutes and actually tell Sahaba now, the ones that are getting all like fidgety now go clean up.

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Go clean up. That's self control. So man urinates in the masjid, calm, cool, relaxed.

00:36:09--> 00:36:15

A young man walks up to the Prophet of Allah Salaam, summoned very vulgar. Lee says, I'd like to go and commit a sin with that girl.

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I'm not going to say it because it's inappropriate. And it's a family gathering. But for those who understand when a young man would now walk up and say formally, I would like to go and commit a sin with that girl. You can imagine the word that he used use a slang word, to say I'd like to go and commit a sin with that girl. You can imagine how crude and how disrespectful they must have been. How vile and vulgar It must have been processed hymns calm, cool, collected and talks to him and reasons with him.

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That's it. But the prophet of Allah salon he said, when three young men walk up to him and say, from here on out, I'm I'm never going to sleep at night ever again. One says I'm never going to get married because it gets in the way of worship. One says I'm going too fast every single day for the rest of my life. The Prophet of Allah Salaam gets angry with them. The narration says his red face became red, there was a vein that would pop out in his forehead, when he got very, very angry, and the Sahaba remember that because how rare of occurrence it was. And actually something beautiful, that the scholars actually pointed out that Allah, Allah subhanaw taala gave the process such a

00:37:18--> 00:37:32

distinct physical like feature about his anger, so that as soon as his anger would start to surface in his red face would become read, and the vein in his forehead would pop out, so that people will realize he was getting angry, because the anger of the Messenger of Allah Salafi son was a very dangerous thing.

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It was a very dangerous thing.

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So he becomes angry, the men will never get angry, gets angry with youth.

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It sounds like it sounds like you know, the opposite version of the story. But the scholars explained, the reason why I got angry was because what they were saying could have affected for future generations, the entire structure, and the foundation of our religion, because they were taking family out of the equation. I don't want to get married. Marriage gets in the way of worship, marriage is worship. The Prophet of Allah Salaam says when those of you go when you get married, you've just completed half your emaan.

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So we need to take a different view of things I spoke this morning about leading by example, parents lead by example. It's very important, there's no substitute. There's no replacement for that.

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And there's something that I haven't spoken about at all.

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Literally, I have not spoken about at all publicly. And to some of you, it might not even make a lot of sense because like I said,

00:38:36--> 00:38:43

this is my first time getting to know many of you in your first time getting to know me as well. But for those who have known me for quite some time

00:38:44--> 00:38:50

Alhamdulillah over the last year, I was able to better my health quite a bit.

00:38:52--> 00:39:00

I was able to better my health quite a bit. And to not say too much. I'd normally would never recommend this but go on YouTube and search my name and watch an older video.

00:39:02--> 00:39:04

Murphy calls me to Jared of the Muslim world. So

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until I was able to better my health to quite an extent by the grace and mercy of Allah by the tofi called Allah. One of the primary motivating factors. And there's something very personal, I'm sharing with you. One of the primary motivating factors about bettering my health was the fact that now my kids were actually starting to grow up. My mom, she just started going to school this past September. So she went to pre k for the first time she's four years old. You know, my eyesight is now like fully talking and stuff now. So they were growing up now. And they were going to have to start to, you know, figure out life and start to make better decisions and I had to start teaching

00:39:47--> 00:39:54

them about life now. It was passed the Google got off stage. Now I was going to start teaching them about life. They were going to start learning about life from me.

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Now

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I took a long hard look in the mirror

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Literally.

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And I asked myself the question that How am I supposed to tell my kids to be healthy?

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When I myself am in this condition?

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It's hypocrisy, right?

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It's hypocrisy.

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How can I tell my children to make better choices in the food that they eat, to get physical activity to be healthy and active? When I myself am in this shape? I couldn't.

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And that was a major motivating factor. So that's something that we need to learn to do is lead by example, because there's no substitution for that.

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The last and the final point, of course, I did start this morning about understand where your kids are coming from,

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understand where they're coming from. It's very difficult out there. It's a very difficult environment. They're not growing up where, you know, 90% of their school is Muslim. They're not growing up in a place where there's a machine on every block. They're not going up in a place where the sound of a law about a law is being called on speakers like all across the city all the time, five times a day, everywhere. They're growing up in a very difficult time.

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temptations Temptation's, they are drowning in debt.

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And now as if they needed any more challenges, we're currently in the midst of this Islamophobia Blitz,

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where they are the most reviled people in this country.

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It's difficult and they're hanging in there Mashallah. Especially if your kids are here tonight, Mashallah. They're hanging in there.

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This is Thanksgiving weekend. It's Saturday night.

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I mean, I need you to understand in the youth culture, Saturday night, long weekend, Thanksgiving weekend, you're at a Masjid listening to some old dude talk. That equals loser, that makes you a loser in youth culture.

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The fact that they're here though, Mashallah shows that they're really winners, right? So, understand, give them the benefit of the doubt understand where they're coming from. They're hanging in there, stay with them, reinforce them in a very, very positive manner, and support them in Sharla. And then the most important thing made to offer them as brother Murphy hitting the nail on the head when he said make dua for your parents. Similarly, parents make to offer your children we overlooked this simple basic thing so much so often

00:42:25--> 00:42:37

make to our for your kids, for your children. robina Hubbell and I mean, as Virgina was reacting kurata are you make my spouse or my children, two corners of the eyes?

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The coolness of the eyes, you know, we say that too often coolness of the eye, what does that even mean? We kind of have an idea of what it means because or we think we know what it means because it's in the put on, it's in supplication. So we assume it's a figure of speech. It's an expression. To understand any expression, you have to put yourself into the mindset of the person who said the expression, like somebody who's not from America,

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somebody who's not from America wouldn't understand what off the hook means.

00:43:04--> 00:43:15

Like off the hook, like they wouldn't know what that means. Right? So you have to come into the mindset and understand what what they're saying and where they're coming from when they say it.

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The Arabs would say coolness of the eyes. Because imagine being in the desert.

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There's no electricity, no shelter, no nothing like there's no air conditioning, 120 degrees outside, you're walking around under the burning scorching sun and the heat of the desert. And the hot wind is blowing and is blowing, burning hot sand into your eyes. And once you imagine how much your eyes would burn at that time,

00:43:41--> 00:44:03

there's no Vaizey, no sunglasses, no, nothing like that. So your eyes feel like you're on fire. And you just want to rip them out. Just want to like your eyes, you want to scratch your eyes. Think about that. And then all of a sudden, as you're walking along, you come across some nice, cool clean water. And you take that water and you splash it into your face and into your eyes. How refreshing would that feel?

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Amazing, right? That's what we're asking a lot to make our kids that when we look at them, it takes our pain away, takes our worries away, our day instantly becomes 100 times better. Make our children the coolness of the eyes, which Allah and then make us little mustafina make us the leaders of the most pious and righteous make us a make us a role model family.

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Make us the standard for what is a true family.

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And so always remember to continue to make the offer your children as well.

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does not come along later on for your parents. I know I went very, very long. Parents look at that it's on the brain. Just talking about hidden for your patience. I know I went very, very long. There were actually a couple of other side topics that kind of wanted to jump into but the time doesn't allow for it. We also have to answer a few questions in pre selected Asia. So I'm going to go ahead and wrap up. It's kind of good that we have something left to talk about.

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About so that inshallah when I visit back sooner than later then we do have some other discussions to get into does Akuma lock in on slavery