Before You Say I Do – EP28

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Yassir Fazaga

Channel: Yassir Fazaga

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As you work together,

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Allah has given you a companion and friend to stay and always be seen as man and wife, fulfilling the deen from this forever.

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Our shaytani r rajim Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah All praises due to Allah and mais peace and blessings be upon our beloved prophet muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, we begin by welcoming our brothers and sisters and all of our viewers saying, as salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato, who

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made a Peace and blessings and the mercy of Allah be upon all of you, this is actually going to be the last episode of our program. And I really hope that you have enjoyed this as much as I have at hamdulillah. inshallah, we'll try to make it as informative as light as possible. Last time, we spoke about the characteristics that we ought to be looking for in the partners that we seek in our lives, and we spoke about many of them. This is what we call cautionary remark and final reminders. As far as why don't some relationship works. Remember, at the very beginning of our program, we said relationships don't work because of two reasons. One is because we're getting into the relationship

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for the wrong reasons such as you remember, pressure, sexual hunger, loneliness and desperation, guilt as a distraction from our own challenges of life and what have you. They are also wrong type of relationships that we must avoid. A person may get into the right relationship with the right person, but it may end up being the wrong type of relationship. What are some types of relationships? The minute we care about the person more than they care about ourselves? What happens is that Yeah, you do feel that you are in love, and you are mad about the person but you don't know how that person feels about you. That can be so unbelievably draining. I have had so many counseling

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sessions with people coming in and saying, I am so crazy about this person. I just don't know how they feel about me. I feel that I give I give I give I give and this relationship and I have no idea where this person stands. I am crazy about him. I think about him or her all the time. Yet they are very distance from me. Not only this, but it may be the case that we are more excited about them than they are excited about us. And we keep giving and giving and giving. And you know what happens eventually, we feel that we have been cheated. We feel very angry, we feel miserably and worst of all, we feel hungry for love. You know how sometimes to starvation is not only because there is no

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food sometimes there is what? emotional starvation. So you feel that you are giving but you're not getting anything in return was this type of relationship that makes it very difficult. The other type of relationship is actually the opposite of it. Where you know deep in your heart that you really do not feel about this person. As much as they feel about you. They care much more about you than you do care about them and you know what happens at this point. You are never satisfied You know why? Because you know that you are not giving it your heart. You know that you are not committed to this fully and that can leave you with defensive mechanism just trying to protect

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yourself. Some people are afraid of investing emotionally. So they remain a distance they don't want to get hurt they are very afraid. So they use this as a defensive mechanism. And of course that won't work simply because the other person is giving you You are not reciprocating that and you know what, and that is going to leave you a very unsatisfied because you know that you're not giving it your heart. This is one of my favorite ones. When people are in love with their partners. potential. What do I mean? They are not really in love with the person as they are at this point. But they are in love with who they wish the person would become you'll know what I'm talking about. You do not

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like the person for who they are at this point. But you like them for when you hope that they would become one day so you're not in love with them. You are in love with their potential. You are not in a loving relationship but rather you are in a project, Masha Allah she will look so beautiful when she loses 400 pounds. I can't wait for that. What do you mean Mashallah, when he becomes a doctor, he will be so

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Good, I love himself. What is he right now he's working on his high school. So what happens is that we end up creating projects, and not necessarily relationships, not all of this, but sometimes we end up believing in people more than they believe in themselves. And that is, of course not acceptable. However, here's what we want. We want to love the person for who they are now, not loving them in spite of who they are today or in hopes of whom they will become tomorrow, we like the person as they are today as they are right now, not despite of who they are, because we have to be very selective, not in hopes of whom they might become tomorrow, but rather know we want to like

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them as they are today. So what happens is that if you keep hoping to change them, so that you will be happy, you are not loving, but rather you are gambling, you are taking a project, you are not taking a marital relationship. When you are on a rescue mission, some people they are what we call this rescue holics. What do they do? They feel sorry for some people. And then they would like to help. I remember one time.

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These are Muslims who came to the masjid. She came in the masjid with her son, and she wanted me to talk to the Son, there was a girl who got pregnant by her boyfriend, not a Muslim girl. And this Muslim young kid decided that he is going to save her. I said, What do you want to do? He said, I want to marry her. When she delivered that baby, I'm going to married this woman. And I said, Why do you want to do that. And he said, because she needs to be saved. And this guy, he cheated her and he had, you know, an intimate relationship with her. And now he got her pregnant, and he's splitting is running away. And now I am going to save her. And I am going to make sure that you know she lives

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happily ever after. So why do you need to save her in the capacity of her husband? Why do you have to be married to her you can help. But why do you have to be married to her, some people decide that they are going to be rescue holics. So if you look into point number three, afraid that they would fall apart if you are not there. And this is exactly how they will feel it. People never marry a person because you pity them. Never be with a person because you feel sorry for them. It is not pity fullness that people need, you are either genuinely interested in them, or you are not just compassion and kindness by itself as noble as that is. But remember this that does not build a

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family, you can help them in a capacity different than being a husband. So in many cases where people feel sorry for people, and they go in. And the sad part about it is that these types of relationships are very difficult to end because the person continuously will be feeling guilty. Oh, I can't leave them. Look at how far we have gone. If I leave, they're going to collapse either the man or the woman and we say please do not do so in the capacity of either a husband or a wife. And sometimes if you are in it because you are infatuated with Islam for external reasons, then that does not really help. One of my favorite ones is people say, oh, when I saw his eyes, they just

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pierced my soul. his moustache reminds me of my father.

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Okay, her eyes exactly look the eyes of my mother. Okay, that's fine. So, you become infatuated with them. For external reasons. External reasons do not say much about our character. People are infatuated with the teacher because of how good he knows the answers. singers, movie stars, speakers, players and what have you. So that is not good enough people. So we do not want to be in that place. Or people sometimes they have partial compatibility, you're compatible, but partially, can you believe it? I have the same motorcycle that he does. Big deal. Okay, so what you just bought it from the same place or licensing we assign. We bought the motorcycle from the same place. Okay,

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big deal. You know what we read the same book. Okay, so what, that's what we call partial compatibility. And usually people look into these unusual circumstances or environments or thriving or activity. And, you know, they just draw their own conclusions. Okay. And of course, that is not acceptable. And we become infatuated with the area of partial compatibility. We really don't pay attention to the rest of the relationship and how it is going. This is a very important one. Sometimes people get married simply because the person that has proposed to them is too religious to pass. You'll know what I'm talking about. They've too religious to pass. Therefore, it's almost a

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sin. You know how good that person is. He is the Imam he is the chef or this sister. She is a hijab. She is an ecobee. She is half of the Quran. I cannot just let pass Allah is bringing him

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My way, I cannot just let go of this. so easily. Remember, it takes more than just people being religious, we spoke about compatibility we spoke about attraction we spoke about many things, and this also is classified under guilt as well. And now, what happens is we need to avoid the following and I am sorry that I am rushing into through this, but this is a very important one, you cannot make a mistake right out of the wrong material people. If they are mister wrong, guess what, they really are mister wrong. If she is a miss wrong, she really is a miss wrong, you do not want to gamble, regardless of how loving of how sweet of how fun of how kind and devoted and you cannot

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perform a personality switch on someone people you cannot. People do not change because we want them to change. People can only change because they themselves want to change. We can motivate them, we can encourage them. But ultimately, by the end of the day, they are the ones that would have to make that change. Our integrity will not make them honest. Our prayers will not make them a spiritual Dynamo. And the last statement is a very, very important statement. Yes, God does answer prayers, however. But putting yourself in a situation that requires God to rescue you is unwise. We are on dangerous ground if we think God owes us because we prayed you'll know what I'm talking about. You

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may be an alcoholic and say I will pray to Allah to save him. does Allah respond to these kinds of prayers? Of course he does. But then you are putting yourself on some very dangerous grounds when you think that God owes you because you just pray.

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This is a very important position people I know people said that, you know the man is really an alcoholic, you do not want to get involved with him. The woman is not really known to be a good woman do not get involved with that say well you know what insha Allah, my love and my sweetness and how fun and loving I can become that is all nice, but remember, nobody would ever be able to perform a personality switch on any person. And that is why we say motivation, you can do encouragement that you can do, but change must come from within that person. In short, you cannot make a silk purse out of a source if you don't know what that means. If they are the raw material, then they really are

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the wrong material. Where do I look for Mr. Right? Or Miss right? This is another mistake that we shouldn't be doing. expect to find Mr. Right in the wrong place. You'll know what I'm talking about. expect to find Mr. Right in the wrong place. With this inshallah we're going to take a very short break and we will be back momentarily so please do stay tuned with us. Please be seen as man and wife fulfilling Bismillah R Rahman Rahim In the name of Allah The Compassionate, The Most Merciful. Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato. May the peace blessings and mercy of Allah be upon all of you. And thank you for joining us here again. And if you have just joined us, this is going to be

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our last episode of this entire program. It has been a beautiful journey, very grateful that you have joined us and hopefully you found it to be informative and light as well. And today, we are talking about last minute do's and don'ts. This is a very important point and that is expect to find Mr. Right or miss right in all the wrong places. We constantly complain that there are not good men out there or good women out there. But it's very difficult that if you're looking for a non drunkard, you don't go to the pub, you do not go to the nightclub. If you are looking for Mr. Right, you would have to look for them in the right places. If you're looking for somebody who cares about

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education, people go to the libraries. If you want to look in for people who are religiously minded and they are activist you go to the masjid, you attend, you know, Muslim seminars, in some places such as the place that you are in here today. You know, people have extended families they have sisters to go out there and look for them. But sometimes in the West people do not have families to go and look for them. And that is why in domestic people have to create activities via which they are able to introduce people to each other so that people can find suitable marriages. The Internet happens to be a place that people can do this and I would say please do be careful because you

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really do not get to know a person through the profile on the internet, but rather it is a place you know it's a start. However, you'd have to make sure that you look for Mr. Right and Miss right in all the right places and do not be looking for

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For the right person in the wrong place, sometimes people feel that it's okay for them to hook up now and find fidelity next. And that is, of course not acceptable. However, there is something strange about men. Men don't mind fooling around initially. But then when they get married, whom do they want to get married to? They want to get married to a good woman? Isn't that hypocritical? You want to fool around However, when it is time for you to settle down? What do you say? You want a good woman? Is this hypocrisy. Of course it is. However, unfortunately, and sadly, it is also reality. This is what men do, or to put it better. This is what some men may do. So pay attention to

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that. Okay? Sometimes people get too friendly with either a married man, or with a married woman, supposedly, a wedding ring should be a deterrent. But not everybody believes that a wedding ring tells us that you know what we are really not available. And remember, we spoke about this earlier. And sometimes to some people, you know, gaining a man's heart who's married or a woman's heart who's married, they can be very flattering at first. And if he cheats with you, or if he considers you, why do you think that they will not do it again, when they are with you. Sadly, I have seen so many cases of this happening. People leave their families, they are made to leave their families.

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Unfortunately, by the end of the day, the same thing that they did was their initial spouse, they do it again. And then and maybe we'll inshallah we will finish with this one or the one after it, to do someone to leave their family for you.

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When people tell us, you know, my husband or my wife treats me this way, reaction such as I cannot believe that he or she treats you that way. And you look into this and almost you're saying that you know you come to me and I will not do that to you. So we end up encouraging people to leave their families. You know, the processor, don't say about this, said lace me Nam and Baba AnneMarie in xojo. He said that he is not of us. He who either seduces or encourages people to leave their spouses. Not all the time, there are certain circumstances where we might encourage people to do so. But in principle, if there is no good reason, we do not encourage people to leave their families.

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And what I want people all the time is from this point and that is, do not find, do not make an emotional investment immediately. Real love takes time, protect your heart, keep your feet on the ground to not get your feet wet. And as far as we're concerned, there are certain things that we can do. For example,

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I don't know how to put this I don't say you know, make yourself attractive. But let us make the best out of our appearance. Initially, there is nothing godly about being a slob. Some people think that the more religious you are, somehow you've got to be looking and feeling very sloppy.

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This was the last of it. And I will say that, if anything that we have learned here, there are a few points that I would love for you to take home with you. And that is remember the following that yes, we do believe in other. We do believe in the predestiny we do believe in the concept of no sleep. But marriage is a choice. And that is a choice that Allah subhanho wa Taala has given you to practice, practice that choice. You are making a choice. There is no room for being fatalistic, we are constantly making these choices, make a wise choice. First step and making a wise choice is to know what it is that you're looking for. You must have an inner idea of what do I want? What do I

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want from marriage? What do I want and the person that I am looking for? And finally I say ask lots of questions. Ask very important questions. Ask an ask and ask simply because the more questions you ask, the more information you will have, the more information you have, the better judgment you are able to make. And like I said, this is going to be our final episode has been a beautiful journey and thank you for being good companions in that journey. And the few minutes that we have, maybe we can entertain some questions. inshallah, I know that some of you had a question prior to this to have a sister here to be compatible is like your personalities should match right? I would say

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personalities match at least you have enough within your personalities that you really can How far is it correct to get personality assessment then avoid this follows in the lessons involved? I would not necessarily say that get a personality assessment about them, but it might help you to know your own personality as far as what kind of a person I am

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Because part of knowing what to look for is knowing who we are, and sometimes we don't know who we are.

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Okay? She's like a little brother for explaining us all the do's and don'ts. However, in our life when we try to implement it, to have a successful life, there may be times when we may come across the results at some times when it would be a bit down and when we met may get upset. While we are going through these tips at that time to keep us motivated at those conditions, what is the best advice you would give us so that we could be still up in that level? Remember, a Muslim is always optimistic Sister, I will marry a Muslim Muslims look into these things. We don't say that these are problems, but rather these are challenges and challenges bring opportunities with them. We may be

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very disappointed by people sometimes we may be disappointed by those who are even close to us. But we know that what controls this is as long as our relationship with Allah subhanaw taala is not affected, then we are in good hands. So where do we get our motivation from our encouragement from one those who are around a cease to give us this motivation encouragement that we get it from our relationship with our Creator? Allah subhanho wa Taala also speaking to like minded sisters shall go ahead and this will be our last question. Go ahead, sister. How about istikhara better? Yes, this was the last point and thank you for reminding me when it comes to issues of marriage there is only

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so much that we can know there are only so many questions that we can ask by the end of the day. There is a beautiful concept that is called istikhara and that is consulting with Allah subhanho wa Taala we're in it we say Allah I have done my homework, to the best of my ability I have done my homework. I have made up my mind about this person, either na or a Allah you know more than I do you know that which I know not you are able for that which I am not able to, Oh Allah show me the way if this is good for me in my life in my hair after Allah make it easy for me. If it is not good for me for my dunya for my hair after all Allah, please keep it away from me remove it away from me, and

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remove me away from it. Sometimes we may choose to leave the evil, but the evil may choose not to leave us you'll see this. So you say Oh Allah give me the ability to leave the evil but also keep the evil away from me. And then we say one of the nice things about it, and make me amongst those who are pleased with your decree, you must praise to heart especially on vital issues like this, you must praise the horror and we must constantly beg of Allah subhanho wa Taala to guide us and with this inshallah we come to the conclusion of not only this part of our episode, but for the entire program. It has been a beautiful journey, very grateful that you have joined us on this journey. For

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those of us who are already married, may Allah Subhana Allah make your homes blissful homes, may Allah Subhana Allah increase us a new interface in sha Allah make you the best of husbands to the best of wives, and the best of wives to the best of husbands May Allah bless your children. And for those of you who are single, either in our audience or out there may Allah Subhana Allah give you partners that will be pleasing for you in this life as well as in the hereafter as well. And may Allah give us the wisdom as we are about to choose and make a choice in this regard for our partners? We do not claim that we have answered all the question nor do we claim that we have

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covered all the grounds but the little that we have shared with you, we hope that it was of benefit to all of you your ability, I mean, if we have made a mistake, may Allah subhanho wa Taala forgive us. And if we said something that was right, that was by the grace of Allah subhanaw taala and we are very grateful for this. So Nicola will be hanged in the shadow Allah Allah Hi, Lana saphir con todo la until we meet next time in some other program we say As salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato