Channel: Yasmin Mogahed
I Just Got Married, Why Am I Not Happy?
By: Yasmin Mogahed
Presented on January 31, 2011
Assalamu alaikum This is Jasmine Mujahid and you're listening to serenity streaming on one legacy radio.com. serenity is a new show that we started. And we're looking for your questions, because what we want to do on serenity is we really want to get your, your feedback about what it is that you're dealing with, what are the difficulties, the challenges, the questions that you have. And what we want to do is take that and make this a discussion, where we take those issues, and we look at them through a lens of a god centered world. So basically looking at these problems and looking for spiritual solutions to those difficulties and answers that come from God and not from society,
and not from the media, and not from our own selves. So we really hope to take and embark on that on that path by getting your questions and discussing them on the show. And of course, everything will remain anonymous. So please do send your questions to serenity at one legacy radio.com. Now, today, we're going to be talking about a question that I received about a relationship problem that somebody was having. Now the question that this person had asked, was regarding this person had actually just recently got married. And what, you know, what they didn't understand is why after getting married, they suddenly felt, you know, this, this constant sort of disappointment, this, you
know, sadness, they always felt like they were being let down, or they felt always like they were, you know, they were, they were never really happy. They just didn't feel that and they always wanted more or expected more from their spouse, and was constantly being let down. And one of the things that happens, I think, a lot of times, especially when we get married, or you know, in other types of relationships, it really has to do with the type of attachment that we create. See, as human beings we are created with a particular nature. And that nature is that we want and need to connect to God, we need to worship God, we need to understand God and create that attachment to him and put
our dependence on him. Basically, as human beings, we are created with this, this desire to recognize greatness. And so what often happens, unfortunately, when the, you know, God isn't there, we replace that with other things. And sometimes we replace it with other people. And this is where, you know, almost it becomes like a sense of worship, where you see, for example, that celebrities and you see the type of you know, idol is that the way that people idolize them, it's almost like worship. And so we as human beings, what we're doing here is we're trying to fill this emptiness inside us, we're trying to fill this need inside of us, but we're filling it with the wrong things.
And so this even as Muslims, and this, this, this, we do this, this happens a lot of times in relationships. And so in the case of marriage, for example, what what often happens is that we go into marriage with these expectations of this person. But these are not realistic expectations, their expectations that we should only have for God is their expectation we should only have of God. In fact, and and so what happens then is there you find that there is this constant disappointment, and one of the symptoms of the fact that we all we do have a false attachment or that we are putting our expectations in the wrong place. Is this sadness is this constant disappointment is this feeling
that we're being let down. Because let me give you this, this example, if you're climbing a cliff, and you get to a point, you're really high up and you see this twig hanging there. And if you reach out and you hang on to that twig and you only all of your weight is only on that twig, what's going to happen to you? Well, the answer is that you're that twig is gonna break because by definition, that twig was never created to hold your weight. And so what will happen when that twig breaks is that you fall and when you fall, you break or you you know, you may or may not get back up, but what happens is you fall and that's that process of disappointment. That's that process of being let down
over and over. It comes from the fact that we're hanging on to the wrong things. We're seeking the wrong things to fulfill us. We're seeking the wrong things to give us happiness and contentment. And and so what what what we need to do here is bring it back and bring our focus back to illustration.
Dialogue within marriage for example, a law says that he created for you spouses so Allah says in the Quran and this is the way you're gonna see right on every wedding invitation woman a tea and Haleakala Coleman and fossa calm, as well, Jen Lita, schooner, Alayhi, wa Jalla beynac oma, what data and Marama in the Fie Valley killer area, Al Bab.
Now, the, if you look at this area, and this is that from among His Signs, and now this is important, from among His Signs is this that he created for you, he created for you spouses, that you may dwell in tranquility with them.
Now, this is the first part is he created for you spouses that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and he created between you my word and Rama, this love and mercy. Now, notice that the even in this even in this, what is the purpose of this love and mercy, Allah says that it's a sign. So even the love and the mercy that Allah creates between a husband and wife, ultimately, is just a means. And what is it a means of it's a means of God, it's a means of reaching Allah, because Allah says at the beginning of the area,
that in this is assigned one min area to here and from among His Signs, okay? This is not an end in and of itself, that that feeling that you have. And that gift that you have between your hearts is not an end in and of itself, like you see in the movies, right where the whole purpose of their existence and the whole purpose of their striving is to reach you know, that love that romantic love that other person that's going to complete them. And that's it. And then the movie ends at that point, right? Because that's it, that's the end. That's the purpose. It isn't that way, that even within that gift of that love and that mercy, it isn't an end in and of itself. But it's actually a
means it's a means to reaching Allah Subhana Allah, because Allah says that this is a sign. And then the ayah even ends with that repeated that this is a sign for those who reflect that this is again, a law repeats that this is a sign, but it's a sign for those who reflect. So what are we supposed to be learning from this? What are we supposed to be reflecting when we feel that love and that mercy between ourselves and our spouse, we are supposed to use that as a pointer to God, even that is not an end in and of itself, but rather, a means to recognize a laws mercy and allows great greatness and allows generosity and love for us that he's giving us this, you know, as in order to have
tranquility. And so it's really, really important because what unfortunately, we're taught, since we're very young, is that we are seeking this other person to complete us, we're seeking this other person to save us. And this is a really, really prevalent message throughout, you know, love stories even as early as fairy tales. If you look at the story, for example of sleeping beauty, Sleeping Beauty is basically this woman who was in this comatose state, right? She's basically dead. And the only thing that can save her is if a man comes and kisses her. And so the idea here is that the man is going to come and save the woman, that you're waiting for this person to come and save you. There
is no person who is going to save you. The only thing the only one who can save you is your Creator. The only thing that's going to fill you and fulfill you and give you happiness and give you strength is your Creator. And so what happens to us is that when we go into relationships with the wrong expectations, what we're doing is we're putting that person in a place that they were never meant to be and we're expecting from them things that they were never intended to give and they are not able to give because those things can only come from Allah subhana wa Tada. Okay, we'll take a break now. And when we get back we'll continue talking about the issue of relationships and why do we
constantly fall into disappointment? You're listening to serenity as salaam alaikum
Welcome back. This is Yes, me Mujahid. You're listening to serenity. And we're talking today about relationships and we're taking your questions about you know, issues and then we're talking about them anonymously on this show. And today we're talking about a question about someone who had gotten into a relationship they had recently gotten married and they feel like
They don't understand why they're constantly disappointed and constantly sad. And they're not really getting, you know, they're not feeling that peace and that tranquility inside of the marriage. And so what what we, what we really, you know, need to realize a lot of times with our relationships is that the sadness that we, that we feel, a lot of times the disappointment that we feel is due to wrong expectations. And that actually is very much related to our relationship with God, what happens is that we, as human beings, it's almost like we have this hole inside of us. And it can only be filled with closeness to God, it can only be filled by God. But if we are not filling it
with God, sometimes what we do instead is we try to fill it with other things. And even if we're Muslim, and even if we believe in God, sometimes we don't realize that we have these, these false attachments to other things other than God. And some of the ways that we can know that we do have these, you know, these false attachments, or these these wrong expectations is precisely from the pain itself, you'll find that the source of what is causing you most pain in your life, or what is causing you the most disappointment, something is is is really, it's that one, you know that that knife that's always cutting you and that's really causing you the most stress. Usually, if you look
at that thing, you'll find that that is where your false attachment is that, that that thing which you attach yourself to, in a in a in a in an ultimate way. And and I want to explain what I mean by false attachments, false attachments, it doesn't mean that we shouldn't love anything, or that we shouldn't be attached to anything in the in the, in the sense that we usually use in our society. A false attachment is when we are looking or seeking something other than Allah, to fulfill us completely, to support us completely to, to to give us you know, and really like, you know, fill that part inside of us. And we're looking to something other than Allah, for that ultimate hope. And
that ultimate support and that ultimate love, it's, it's when we are looking to something other than God, to give us our self worth, it's when we're looking to something other than God, to decide whether we are okay or not. Basically, it's when it's when there is something other than God that we absolutely, absolutely could not live without. And I know that, you know, again, this is the type of so called love that's really sold in the media. But really, it isn't the way love should be as it was intended by God, it is more in the realm of worship. Because if there's something that you absolutely would just crumble, without, if there's something other than God, that you would
absolutely, you would have no reason to exist anymore. Without, then that means that that thing is a a an object of worship, it's it's a false attachment. So while we do love our families, and we love our children, we love our parents, we love our spouses, our love for them should not become worship, and when does it become worship will obviously we don't, you know, pray to them, we don't make thought to them, we don't seek them in that way. But sometimes this worship can be very hidden. And the way again, that we know and the way that we can tell that it's there is it will become a source of constant sadness for us, it will become a source of constant disappointment for us. And that
disappointment and that sadness, and that pain, actually is a, an indicator, it's a sign that there's something wrong with our attachments. And that we have to we have to readjust our attachments. Now, I love to share this area because it's something that's so so deep, and explains this idea of of what happens when you do attach yourself to something other than Allah. And that's an A in its chapter 22, verse 73. And it says, What is translated as people here is an illustration. So listen carefully, those you call on besides God could not even if they combined, all their forces create a fly, and a fly.
And if a fly took something away from them, they would not be able to retrieve it. How feeble are the petitioners? And how feeble are those they petition? Now, at first, it's somewhat difficult to understand, you know, what, what is the significance of this parable, but it's extremely deep and what it's saying here is
That these people or these things that we seek, and that we we go to, you know, to fulfill us or to help us or to support these things that we turn to, they couldn't create even a fly. And the last part of that A is extremely profound. And what it says is that the the seeker and the sought are both weak, they're both feeble. What does that mean? That when you seek something, which is limited or weak, then by definition you to become weak, weak, limited, and weak and vulnerable. And so the problem is that when we seek that which we seek, if that which we seek is, is Allah, if that which we seek is strong and perfect and unbending, then we to become strong, because that thing never
breaks. And that's why Allah Subhana Allah says, in certain Bukhara, for example, that whoever holds the hand hold of Allah, that the handhold of Allah is the one that never breaks, and, and any other handhold. And that's the point. And that's the lesson that any other handhold other than Allah subhanaw taala will break. And so the lesson here, again, is that when you're feeling like you're in this relationship, and you know, you don't understand, why do you keep getting disappointed, it's because it has everything to do with our expectations, it has everything to do with what you are seeking from that other person that they're not able to give you, because it was not intended for
them to give it to you, those things can only be given to us by Allah subhanaw taala. If we feel sadness, if we feel that emptiness, it cannot be filled by anything else. And if we try to fill it with anything else, and it isn't just relationships, but a lot of people try to fill this, this need with other things. For example, some people try to fill it with wealth or money, where the idea is that the more things that I have, the more I will feel content, but it does not fill us and it will never fill us. Sometimes people use their job, in order to fulfill them, they use their job as a as a way to fill that need. And again, it never will. And so what will happen is you'll run after it,
you'll run after it, and it will never ever be enough. And that's the issue with the dunya is that everything in this life, everything in the dunya. And that includes all creative things that human beings, wealth, you know, status, you know, our fancy cars, or fancy clothes, even beauty. You know, this is something of the dunya because it's the physical body, all of these things, when we, the more you chase after it, the more it runs away from you. And then it can never, it can never fill you. Because the soul can only be fulfilled with one thing, the heart can only be filled with one thing. And that's closeness to the creator of it. So right now, we will take another break. And when
we return, we'll continue on the issue of relationships, and how putting the wrong definitions and the wrong expectations can cause constant disappointment.
Welcome back. This is yasmeen Mujahid and you're listening to serenity. Now we're talking today about relationships and why it is that sometimes when we get into a relationship, it we find ourselves unhappy, constantly disappointed and feeling unfulfilled. And what what we just talked about, you know, was issue of, you know, within marriage that a lot of times, actually statistics even show that the majority of divorces happen in the first year. And then after that the second year. So this idea, you know that, you know, the honeymoon is at the beginning. And it's easy at the beginning actually isn't true. That the beginning the first year of marriage tends to be when the
majority of breakups actually happen. And we're talking about what could possibly be the reason for this. And what we're really getting at it has to do with our expectations of human beings, our expectations of anything other than God. And the idea here is basically that we as human beings, we want to fulfill this, this need that we have inside of us, there is this emptiness that every human being has in them that can only be filled by one thing and that is by God. And that when we search for other things to fill us will always come back disappointed and empty handed. And so this pattern of constantly being let down. Whether you know what in this case it was in the in the sense of it
was in the case of marriage.
It's coming as a result of the fact that the expectation of this person is not the correct expectation that between a man and a woman in marriage, there should be love and mercy. But, but that love and mercy in and of itself is actually a sign of something greater, which is God. And that the the, you know, we should never seek another person to save us, we should never seek another person to, you know, the complete completely fill us because those are things that only God can do for us. And we can only have that satisfaction and that true happiness and fulfillment through our relationship to our Creator. And so, you know, another question that I actually had received. And
please do send in your questions, we're looking for your questions at Serenity at one legacy radio.com. And, and, you know, of course, your questions will always be anonymous. But we want we want you to write in and ask your questions, so we can discuss them. The one other question that I received was a similar situation, but it was in the realm of friendship. And this is a person who, you know, was in who has this problem where, you know, there's, they're, they're very close to somebody, or they have some friends, and then there's like this, this Fallout that happens, or this constant sort of disappointment in our friends that we get close to. And I think this really comes
back to again, the very same problem. And that is that, you know, we we seek our friends, but we seek them for the wrong things. And this brings us to the issue really of love for the sake of Allah, we hear this term a lot, this phrase, but it's really difficult to understand what it means. Now what it really means in the realm of friendship, for example, love for the sake of Allah means that what I give to you, as a friend, I give for the sake of Allah, I don't give it so that you can give me back something in return. And when I say give me back something in return, I don't mean money. I don't mean, you know, you know, you know, material things, I mean, that I don't expect from
you anything in return, even in terms of your time, even in terms of your appreciation, even in terms of, you know, your support, but that what I give to you, I give, and I expect my,
my reward or my repaying from God, not from you. And that is a such a deep and liberating concept. Because what it means is that we are no longer these needy people, we no longer are these people who, you know, we get so disappointed and hurt by, by people all the time, because we are no longer in such a vulnerable position, where we're waiting for something from a person, and they don't fall, they don't come through, and we're just devastated. And so if you find yourself, you know, in these types of cycles with with within your relationships, it's a sign that you are putting your trust in the wrong place, that you're seeking the wrong things in the wrong place for your support and your
fulfillment, and your self worth. And that's also very important, because a lot of times we seek other things to give us that sense of worth to give us that validation, we seek sometimes other people liking us, other people, you know, thinking that we're smart, beautiful, successful, sometimes we seek our career to validate us to give us that sense of self worth, we seek our you know, our grades, and when we're when we're in school, we seek, you know, again, we seek other people we seek, we look at, you know, our possessions, we looking to other things to make us feel good about ourselves, to give us that self worth. And those things like the area we talked about,
those things are by definition, weak, those things are by definition limited. And so those things cannot provide us with that which we seek only God, the one who is unending and and completely perfect, can provide us with those things. And so the way really the solution to break out of this, this pattern of you know, you get close to someone they let you down, you get close to someone they let you down. This pattern is a sign that you have the wrong attachment to people and things and it's a sign that you are expecting from those you're expecting the wrong things from those people. And this is where we have to refocus on Allah subhanaw taala and on our relationship with him, and
within the relationship with people, it should be through Allah because of a law and for Allah. And that's what loving for the sake of Allah means. It means that when I love you, it's because of Allah that I love you. And when I give to you, it's because of a law that I'm giving to you. What does that mean? How does that revolutionize our relationships with the way that it revolutionizes our relationship?
IPS is that I no longer am in need from, I am no longer in need of reciprocation, I'm no longer in need of you to give me something back. That that, that that feeling of me that that that giving back doesn't come from you, it comes from Allah. And so this really, really is liberating because suppose you're, you know, you're you're in a in a friendship or you're in or in a relationship, and you're, you're giving so much to this friendship and you don't feel like it's being reciprocated. Well, that's not going to get you down because you know, that whatever you gave, you're gonna be rewarded by Allah subhana wa Tada. And if you really care about that person, and you're, you know, you're
trying to, to, for example, help them out. If they're struggling, you know, in terms of Deen or they're struggling with something else. You don't even need their appreciation. Because Allah is a Shaku, Allah is going to appreciate what you're doing. And Allah is going to reward you for what you're doing. And so you're no longer get in this vulnerable situation where you're constantly broken or you're constantly disappointed, or that you're this needy person who needs to be filled by other people or other things. Now, again, we're talking on serenity and we're talking about your questions, your issues, what are the things that you're dealing with and and what are the you know,
what are the types of spiritual solutions that we can find to our everyday struggles, please do write in at Serenity at one legacy radio.com and please remember to tune in next week at 3pm pacific standard time as salaam alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh