Tom Facchine – Riyadh al-Saliheen and Women’s Q&A #38

Tom Facchine
AI: Summary © The speakers discuss the importance of " anger" and the negative impact of relationships on one's mental state and personal relationships. They emphasize the need for regular engagement in building one's spirituality and building one's anger to avoid negative emotions and conflict. The speakers also touch on the negative impact of anger on various personal relationships, including relationships with children and spouses. The conversation concludes with a brief discussion about a doctor's name and a thank-you message.
AI: Transcript ©
00:01:13 --> 00:01:13


00:03:20 --> 00:03:22

hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen

00:03:23 --> 00:03:52

wa Salatu was Salam schauffele MBA will mousseline the BNF with Wartsila Mohammed Ali of La sala was good to Sneem hola hola alim. That'd be my on federal no unpatented in Ireland and I was even there in many Arambula. And I mean, Santa Monica went off to La sallahu cattle, everybody. Welcome to Thursday night's women's class ladies class on the other side of heme. And any q&a that becomes relevant. We are talking about

00:03:54 --> 00:03:56

the chapter on patience.

00:03:58 --> 00:03:58


00:04:01 --> 00:04:02

our author,

00:04:03 --> 00:04:09

Imam, No, we just began a series of Hadith.

00:04:11 --> 00:04:11


00:04:13 --> 00:04:14

anger in particular.

00:04:15 --> 00:04:26

So kind of patience is a big subject. It's a big topic. And we can imagine that there are many, many sub topics

00:04:27 --> 00:04:28

that are

00:04:29 --> 00:04:30

fall under the heading

00:04:35 --> 00:04:36

of patience.

00:04:37 --> 00:04:38

And so

00:04:40 --> 00:04:43

trying to one of these

00:04:44 --> 00:04:51

sub topics is anger. And so the last couple of Hadith and a couple that we'll deal with today, have to do specifically with anger.

00:05:09 --> 00:05:10

So how do you remember 44?

00:05:15 --> 00:05:45

Ns are the Allahu Anhu reported that one of the sons of Abu Talha Allahu Anhu was sick. I will tell her I went out and the boy died while he was gone. So going out is not just like, you know, leaving the house but like went somewhere and this boy died in his absence. When I will tell her came back he asked his wife, how is the boy? Home saline, the mother of the boy replied better than before.

00:05:47 --> 00:05:57

This is her answer better than before. Then, she placed his evening meal before him and he ate it. And thereafter they slept together.

00:05:58 --> 00:05:59

They were intimate.

00:06:00 --> 00:06:04

Finally after that, she said, arrange for the boy's funeral.

00:06:37 --> 00:06:45

So after that, or she tells him arrange for the boys funeral. In the morning, I will tell her I went to the Messenger of Allah salAllahu Alaihe Salam

00:06:46 --> 00:07:25

and informed him about what happened. He asked he said, Did you sleep together? Were you intimate with each other last night? I will tell him I said yes. And then the problem honestly said I'm suffocating said oh Allah bless them. She became pregnant from that night of intimacy. And they gave birth to a boy, I will tell her said to me, take up the boy and carry him to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and he sent some dates with him. The prophets of Allah La Jolla Salam inquired, is there anything with him? He said, Yes, some dates. The prophesy said I'm took a date. He put it in his mouth. He chewed it. And he put it in the mouth of the baby and rubbed the chewed date around

00:07:25 --> 00:07:28

the baby's gums, and named him Abdullah.

00:07:30 --> 00:07:31

And there's other

00:07:33 --> 00:07:57

there's other variations of this hadith. You know, in the translation, it gives a couple different ones. But this is a startling Hadith and an amazing one, right? So I will call her son dies while he's out. And the response of his wife is pretty miraculous. He comes back. She plays it cool.

00:07:58 --> 00:08:06

And he asks, how's he doing? Of course, it's his son, his son was ailing. And that's the first thing on his mind when he comes back. How is he doing?

00:08:07 --> 00:08:09

She says better than before.

00:08:11 --> 00:08:13

The reality is he passed away.

00:08:14 --> 00:08:19

But she is saying something in a way where it's open to interpretation.

00:08:21 --> 00:08:30

Then she serves him his meal. And then they are intimate with each other that night. It's a very enjoyable night. And then she breaks the news to him.

00:08:33 --> 00:08:34

Later on,

00:08:35 --> 00:08:42

right, and a different narrations. He's angry, and he's wondering why she waited, et cetera, et cetera. But that's kind of beside the point.

00:08:43 --> 00:08:46

One of the benefits from this hadith is that

00:08:47 --> 00:08:51

there is something that in English we call a white lie.

00:08:53 --> 00:08:54

That is permissible in Islam.

00:08:59 --> 00:09:02

We would not in the shitty I call it a lie.

00:09:03 --> 00:09:09

But it's about saying things that are open to interpretation.

00:09:10 --> 00:09:17

When it comes to noble ends, and noble intent, right, so in this hadith,

00:09:18 --> 00:09:24

what is she doing? Their son passed away while he was gone.

00:09:26 --> 00:09:40

And he comes back and she knows she's smart enough. She's thinking three steps ahead. She knows what's going to happen that it's going to really really impact him emotionally. When she informs him that their son passed away.

00:09:42 --> 00:10:00

But she wants to protect him and his mental state and she wants to help him manage that grief and not hit him with it. The first thing he gets in the door from coming back from his journey. And so she says

00:10:00 --> 00:10:05

Something that's open to interpretation. He asks, how's he doing? She says better than before,

00:10:07 --> 00:10:08

even though he died,

00:10:09 --> 00:10:15

because she knows that he's in paradise. He won't have any accounts, he won't have any.

00:10:16 --> 00:10:31

His deeds weighed in the scales. Right? So she said something that was true. This is why it can't be called a lie. However, she's responding in a way that the husband doesn't expect, in a way that

00:10:33 --> 00:11:05

she anticipates how he's going to interpret it, and she's using it, she's not using it for manipulative purposes. She's not using it for selfish purposes. She's using it for noble purposes, for things that would please allow us Powell to either that type of fib or white lie is permissible, in Islam, if your husband comes to you, and he really, really cares about something, and he asks you what you think of it, you tell him, it's the greatest thing that you've seen.

00:11:06 --> 00:11:52

What we, that's all we want to hear, right? And vice versa, it's a two way street, the same thing if you know if the wife comes to the husband. And obviously, if it's an obvious situation where they're looking for a certain type of affirmation, or they're looking for a certain type of response, and there's no left suddha tied to that response, then you want to prioritize the relationship over being accurate and technically correct. Right. It's the the famous quote in American media culture, it's like, do I look big in this dress? Or do I look fat? Right? And the thing that is supposed to the correct response is no, you don't? Right? This is the sort of thing that we're talking about.

00:11:53 --> 00:12:05

Right? We realize that in a relationship. Sometimes people need to be told what they want to hear, they need to be built up. They need to be built up, that we don't

00:12:07 --> 00:12:11

there's discretion with the truth. Not all truth is useful.

00:12:13 --> 00:12:19

Right? So if she wanted to be if insulation, and this hadith wanted to be completely 100% accurate.

00:12:20 --> 00:12:29

As soon as he came in the door, I will call her and asked about their son, she would have said, well, his his illness.

00:12:31 --> 00:12:31

You know,

00:12:32 --> 00:12:51

his illness got more severe and he and he died. That's a completely technically correct answer. But it's not a sin. It's not guarding someone's feelings, right. And that's what we expect them relationship, we expect more than accuracy. We expect more than technicality than correctness, we expect

00:12:53 --> 00:13:05

guarding of each other's feelings. And that's a really, really nice segue into the second main benefit from this hadith is that Allah subhanaw taala wants us to worship Him through our relationships.

00:13:08 --> 00:13:15

If Islam has guidance for people who live today, this has to be up there towards the top.

00:13:16 --> 00:13:26

Everything at that's being thrown at us today has convinced us that we are in relationships for our own benefit.

00:13:27 --> 00:13:38

We have even the phenomenon in the United States where children are cutting off relationships with their parents, at alarming rates don't want anything to do with them.

00:13:40 --> 00:14:07

We've been told that and encouraged to believe that if a relationship isn't beneficial to me, then it is toxic, and I should end it and it's only holding me back no matter how, no matter the basis of the relationship if the relationship is based off of a faith community or some sort of different community or a family relation or marriage or etc, etc, etc.

00:14:08 --> 00:14:32

Now, don't get me Don't get me wrong, don't misunderstand me. We're not saying that relationships can't be toxic, can't be abusive, can't be manipulative. Of course they can. And Muslims are not encouraged to stay in those sorts of relationships. But the moment that we live in historically has swung very, very far in the opposite direction, where it kind of has an inherent skepticism

00:14:34 --> 00:14:39

that every single relationship is scrutinized under

00:14:41 --> 00:14:46

and we are too ready and too hasty to cut things off.

00:14:49 --> 00:14:59

To the point where we're kind of kidding ourselves about how much work relationships take first of all, and we're also kidding ourselves when it comes to the fact

00:15:00 --> 00:15:12

that our relationships, some of them at least, should not be all just for our own benefit, especially benefit in this world. But some of our relationships are for a loss of time with data.

00:15:14 --> 00:15:16

Somebody messaged me this week,

00:15:17 --> 00:15:21

they said, they did not have a relationship with their parents growing up.

00:15:22 --> 00:15:51

They were raised by a different family member. But when they were married, they decided that they wanted to reestablish reestablish connection with them, connecting family ties, just as the prophesy sedima commanded us to do just like Allah spend with Allah commanded us to do. And for seven years, this person has tried everything, money, visits, words, acts of affection, et cetera, et cetera. And she's getting nothing in return from her biological parents.

00:15:52 --> 00:16:02

Right? It's only just Can I borrow some money, etc, etc. It's not abusive, it's not at that level. It's not, it's not manipulative, right. But it's very, very cold.

00:16:03 --> 00:16:09

There is very little relationship there. The person messaged me, and they were like, I feel like I want to give up.

00:16:11 --> 00:16:21

I don't want to, I feel bitter. I want that I want to have a close relationship with them. And they're not giving that to me. So sometimes I wonder why even bother.

00:16:22 --> 00:16:36

And those feelings are very natural. They're very important. And anybody in a situation where they're advising someone like that they have to take those feelings and affirm those feelings. It's natural to feel that way. This is understandable. But and there is a but

00:16:38 --> 00:16:45

do we treat our parents well? Because of the because of something that we expect in return?

00:16:48 --> 00:16:52

Or do we treat our parents? Well, because we expect a return from a loss count on?

00:16:54 --> 00:17:00

Do we treat our spouses? Well, because we want something from them in return?

00:17:01 --> 00:17:06

Or do we treat our spouse as well, because we want from something from a loss power to either

00:17:07 --> 00:17:08


00:17:09 --> 00:17:13

You do the dishes, or you break up the fat, the house chores, however you break them up?

00:17:14 --> 00:17:19

And if the other person stops doing their chores, does that mean you stopped doing your chores?

00:17:21 --> 00:17:27

Why are you doing them? Are you only doing them to just keep them happy enough to get the things that you want.

00:17:29 --> 00:17:33

This isn't haram. It's not impermissible. But it's not said

00:17:35 --> 00:17:53

I was found to Allah wants us to be operating at a higher level. He wants us to use our relationships as a means to obtain our own salvation, to attain proximity. And the love of Allah is found to Allah through our relationships with human beings not to trade

00:17:55 --> 00:18:06

it within our relationships in this world, right. So we're only doing nice things for other people so that we get nice treatment in return. That's not the level we're supposed to be stuck on.

00:18:09 --> 00:18:22

We're supposed to treat our parents kindly because we expect the reward from Allah. That means that even if they don't thank you at all for anything, that means even if they blame you and curse you and say mean things to you.

00:18:24 --> 00:18:26

The higher level of faith

00:18:27 --> 00:18:28

is to persist.

00:18:30 --> 00:18:43

And to keep on treating them well as worship to a lost power to audit and the worst treatment you get from them, the higher reward you're going to get with a law and the more honor it's going to give you on the Day of Judgment.

00:18:46 --> 00:19:04

Again, within limits, we're putting to the side truly abusive relationships, and truly manipulative relationships, not in the very, very common sense of the word. These words regretfully, today have become so used that sometimes they lose their meaning.

00:19:05 --> 00:19:19

Trauma exists, trauma is real. toxic relationships are real. manipulative, relationships are real narcissism is real. But if I were to take every single couple

00:19:20 --> 00:19:39

at their word that comes in my door for marriage counseling, then every single husband and wife in our community would be a narcissist. If I had $1 for every single time that a husband told me that their wife they think that their wife's a narcissist, or their wife tells me that they think that their husband's a narcissist, I will be a very rich man.

00:19:41 --> 00:19:57

The language of psychology has bled into popular culture and that's no problem. That's fine. It's useful. It describes reality or an aspect or a dimension of reality. But to the person who only has a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

00:19:58 --> 00:20:00

Right? We can't

00:20:00 --> 00:20:09

swinging so far to the other side, now everyone's a narcissist, every relationship that doesn't make me feel good, all the time is toxic.

00:20:10 --> 00:20:16

It doesn't work like that we have to work in our relationship and some of our relationships are for Allah subhana wa Tada

00:20:18 --> 00:20:26

when it comes to our spouses, the next level up is not the normal level is to be trading with your spouse.

00:20:27 --> 00:20:33

Right? You want to be loved like this, I want to be loved like that. And so it's an exchange, and that's okay, that's good Hamdulillah.

00:20:35 --> 00:20:43

But the higher level is to worship them for a loss found to Allah sake, whether they give you exactly what you want or not.

00:20:45 --> 00:20:52

And we hope and we hope that Allah subhanaw taala will guide them to do the same. You're leading by example.

00:20:54 --> 00:20:56

If you're using your relationship

00:20:57 --> 00:21:01

instrumentally to get what you want, then they are probably going to follow your example.

00:21:02 --> 00:21:12

If you're using your relationship with them to please your Creator, then if they are a reflective Muslim, a believing Muslim Inshallah, they will also take your example.

00:21:14 --> 00:21:21

What happens is we get trapped at the lowest common denominator, right? Oh, well, he's doing this to me. So I'm going to do that to him.

00:21:23 --> 00:21:27

She's doing that to me. So I'm going to do that to her. Someone's got to break the cycle.

00:21:30 --> 00:21:32

So I'm so lame in this hadith.

00:21:34 --> 00:21:39

She is worshipping Allah subhanahu data through her relationship with her husband.

00:21:40 --> 00:21:47

She is at home. She is going through it, her son just died.

00:21:48 --> 00:21:52

So, so painful and difficult. And yet,

00:21:54 --> 00:21:58

she does not want to overwhelm her husband, the second he comes back from traveling.

00:22:00 --> 00:22:01

She wants him to be

00:22:02 --> 00:22:04

to have some nourishment.

00:22:05 --> 00:22:17

Some what we say Chicken Soup for the Soul, right? She wants him to get comfortable to get in a place where he's relaxed, where he's pleased, before she delivers him the news.

00:22:20 --> 00:22:22

She sets dinner on the table.

00:22:24 --> 00:22:41

And again, look at how she's dealing with best practices and not bare minimums. So many people who asked me questions and ask fifth question these these days, they're only concerned with bare minimums. Do I have to cook and clean for my husband?

00:22:42 --> 00:22:52

Do I have to give spending money to my wife? That is the wrong question. Completely. The right question is, what more can I do

00:22:54 --> 00:22:57

to make a law happy when it comes to my relationship with my spouse.

00:22:59 --> 00:23:15

If I'm a woman, and I'm home, and I have the ability to cook and clean, then I should be at the place where I want to do that. In order to please Allah Spano Tata. If I am at the place where I want to,

00:23:16 --> 00:23:35

I want to obtain that level with a lost power to otter by giving my wife extra spending money, sending her at a to like a staycation or set sending him her to a hotel. Hey, take some time away from the kids just bring a book and you know, I'll pick you up tomorrow, then that's what we shouldn't be doing.

00:23:39 --> 00:23:48

If we're in the mentality of what's the bare minimum, I can get away with everyone loses. Everyone loses.

00:23:49 --> 00:23:55

Do I have to do this? Do I have to do that? Okay, if each side only does what they have to that's not a relationship.

00:23:56 --> 00:24:03

That's just you're you're surviving the other? You're tolerating it. Right? You're barely getting through.

00:24:06 --> 00:24:16

Home so lame is different. When this hadith home, Selene is guarding the mental health of her husband. She's guarding his sense of tranquility.

00:24:19 --> 00:24:21

And she's trying to take care of his needs.

00:24:24 --> 00:24:37

She knows that he's probably hungry. She knows that he's been away from her and he's probably hoping for intimacy. And so she provides those things. She's available to her husband in those ways.

00:24:38 --> 00:24:44

And then she delivers the news and this is something that is a superpower

00:24:45 --> 00:24:59

that women have the ability to put other people at ease, the ability to take someone's stress and hardship and turn it into transform it into ease

00:25:00 --> 00:25:06

is comfort nourishment for the children, for the male relatives for friends.

00:25:07 --> 00:25:09

It really is a superpower.

00:25:11 --> 00:25:18

Men and women are Lost Found to Allah created what Mahala called vackra, while Onza created male and female as complementary parts.

00:25:20 --> 00:25:31

Neither one has all of the tools to thrive by themselves. Each one of them is dependent upon the other to be complete.

00:25:33 --> 00:25:44

And one of the superpowers of women is that they are able to transform hurt and transform stress and turn it into nourishment and tranquility.

00:25:46 --> 00:25:50

And peace. And so I'm so lame in the Hadith, she does this for her husband.

00:25:52 --> 00:26:11

Of course, he you know, going out and doing what you have to do for the family and earning an income, it's all stressful stuff, especially back then you're on the road, you might be ambushed by some sort of bandits or anything at any moment. But she guards his mental health, she uses her superpowers for good.

00:26:13 --> 00:26:27

Not by depriving him of them in order to get what she wants. She's using them to put him in a good spot. And then and only then the she deliver the news about the passing of their son. That is said,

00:26:28 --> 00:26:29

that is

00:26:30 --> 00:26:45

absolutely amazing from home saline. Very, very few people can do that. And we ask Allah to give us the trophy, the success to be able to do that for our spouses. And for the other people in our lives. This applies to friendships, too. Okay?

00:26:46 --> 00:26:49

If you don't have one friend,

00:26:51 --> 00:27:01

that you're only friends with them, for the sake of a lost count to Allah, not because you benefit at all, then you are being a little bit selfish with your friendship and your time.

00:27:03 --> 00:27:38

And this, again, excludes people who are who have real trauma issues, who don't have anything to give whose tanks are empty. But the average person, the average person, if you don't have one friend, who you don't even really particularly like that person, you don't have a lot in common you don't necessarily get along. But you know that this person needs a friend. And you call every once in a while and see check up on them, see how they're doing. Drop by with like a little gift or invite them over for tea once in a month or etc. What does it cost you?

00:27:39 --> 00:28:05

What does it cost you, it doesn't cost you anything, but the majority of us and I include myself in this, it's our mentality. We're only used to pursuing friendships, if it benefits me. If this person has something I want either this person I look up to them because they're in a higher social status or a higher income bracket than me or I have a lot in common with them or I find it easy to talk with them or easy to laugh with them.

00:28:07 --> 00:28:13

Right? This is a selfish mentality when it comes to our friendships. Yeah, the majority of your friends can be like that no problem.

00:28:15 --> 00:28:41

But you should have at least one person in the community someone who needs a friend that you're a friend with only because only because Allah is found to Allah is happy by and this is backed up by the Hadith, this and the point about marriage is backed up by the Hadith, the prophet slay some said that there is nothing in this world that is closer to the tranquility of Jannah, than a righteous spouse.

00:28:42 --> 00:29:00

For exactly what we see in this hadith, because a righteous spouse puts you at ease and this is a superpower as we said of women, something that they are innately disposed to be able to do better than men. Nine out of 10 Nine out of 10 times and then when it comes to your friendships

00:29:05 --> 00:29:18

the heavy social mind at the moment but there are multiple Hadith about being friends for the sake of Allah, loving people for the sake of Allah. And this is something that every one of us we're looking to

00:29:20 --> 00:29:32

raise our level of faith and practice and obedience and this is this is an easy low hanging fruit doesn't cost you anything. T once a month, a call once a month. Very, very easy to do.

00:29:33 --> 00:29:42

That's the main takeaway from the Hadith. Another thing that we take away from the Hadith are there some of the traditions that we have around birth? Right, so we have the practice of test sneak

00:29:43 --> 00:29:51

to sneak whether the prophesy said um, he takes date and he chews it up and he rubs it around the gums of the baby. And now we've got

00:29:52 --> 00:29:57

medical research that proves why this is such an amazing thing and very beneficial to newborns.

00:29:58 --> 00:29:59

We have the naming

00:30:00 --> 00:30:20

Right, but prophesy said I'm in this case names the child Abdullah. So we see the permissibility of letting an elder or somebody else name your child, we also see that there is a, there's no problem with having a delay. Many times the naming happens on the seventh day that has absolutely no problem.

00:30:22 --> 00:30:30

We also another tradition that's not particularly mentioned here, but that we have is the pizza. And the pizza is a very, very important tradition

00:30:31 --> 00:30:53

that the companions and the prophesy said I'm used to practice where they sacrifice as a token of gratitude to Allah subhanaw taala, one sheep or one ramp for a female for a girl and two for a boy. And it's important that we mentioned this in the clip a couple weeks ago, to include be inclusive when it comes to the people who have access to these festivities

00:30:55 --> 00:30:57

that the team deterioration of the public space

00:30:59 --> 00:31:04

in North America and elsewhere has turned the Wehlener and the pika into private parties.

00:31:06 --> 00:31:22

Where the only people that come are the people that again, you're comfortable with the people, you have things in common with your family members. What about the poor of the community? What about the people who don't have enough food in their fridge or enough food to eat or don't have any money, right?

00:31:23 --> 00:31:34

Part of our Shinya these things come around that the two are aids, the theta the walima, etc. In order to keep bullying the poor

00:31:35 --> 00:31:52

and so if we keep it under lock and key we keep it at home. This is something that does a disservice to the poor the prophesy said I'm sorry to shut up with time, or in another Hadith bits of bomb that the worst most evil food that exists is import. It's not alcohol. It's not

00:31:53 --> 00:32:11

dead meat. It's not roadkill what is it? It's the walima were you there are a lovely Yeah. Are you truck and Fukuro were the only the rich people are invited and the poor people are not invited. That is the most evil food.

00:32:12 --> 00:32:48

So these sorts of things that are meant to be accessible, they need to be brought back This isn't easy again Insha Allah we get this new message. Other Islamic communities around the country that have the facilities, it's low hanging fruit, you're looking to reestablish a sunnah the prophesy. centum said, Whoever reestablishes a sunnah that was abandoned, but they're going to have the reward for them doing it and everyone else who's following them. This is low hanging fruit and easy sunnah to reestablish having your outcomes and holiness in the masjid having them in a public place, inviting everybody telling people especially making sure the poor people know when it's going to

00:32:48 --> 00:32:52

happen, so that they can come through and fill their bear and fill their bellies.

00:32:54 --> 00:32:57

We also learn from this hadith that righteousness

00:32:59 --> 00:33:02

usually leads to righteousness.

00:33:03 --> 00:33:07

So we see that the amazing encounter with Onsala in

00:33:12 --> 00:33:14

extremely righteous behavior

00:33:16 --> 00:33:20

and they are rewarded for that night of intimacy

00:33:22 --> 00:33:23

resulted in a pregnancy

00:33:25 --> 00:33:33

the behavior and the level of sanity I'm so lame had the prophesy someone recognized it and to call and may do it

00:33:34 --> 00:33:36

specifically for that child.

00:33:37 --> 00:33:44

Then when he was born, he made to offer him again and participated in these birth rituals, all honoring this child.

00:33:47 --> 00:33:53

So you see how even though they underwent loss, they were recompense they were compensated with even more

00:33:54 --> 00:33:58

because righteousness begets righteousness even if it takes some time

00:34:14 --> 00:34:14

the next Hadith

00:34:16 --> 00:34:17

number 45

00:34:19 --> 00:34:20

I will write a hot little one who said

00:34:26 --> 00:34:34

the strong man is not one who is good at wrestling with a strong man as one who controls himself in a fit of rage or when he is angry

00:34:43 --> 00:34:45

is a fairly straightforward Hadith

00:34:49 --> 00:34:51

does the Prophet Muhammad SAW he said I mean all anger here

00:34:56 --> 00:34:58

do we think that is anger a bad thing?

00:35:00 --> 00:35:02

In some traditions such as Buddhism, meditation,

00:35:04 --> 00:35:06

a lot of kind of popular

00:35:07 --> 00:35:22

spirituality these days, New Age, spirituality, anger is considered a negative emotion. In our tradition, anger by itself is not a negative emotion. In fact, it's required in certain situations, in certain ways with certain rules.

00:35:23 --> 00:35:26

The Prophet Mohammed sigh Saddam. Yes, exactly.

00:35:27 --> 00:35:38

You have to have anger in order to establish justice. If you see what's going on in Syria, you see what's going on in Yemen. You see what's going on in Palestine?

00:35:39 --> 00:35:46

You see what's going on in China, to our Muslim brothers and sisters, and you are not angry

00:35:48 --> 00:35:56

about that, then you have something wrong with your heart. And there is something that is lacking in your faith.

00:35:58 --> 00:36:00

So when the Prophet Mohammed slay Saddam

00:36:01 --> 00:36:07

is saying here, that the strong person the true strong person is someone who controls themselves when they're angry.

00:36:09 --> 00:36:36

This is not just about any anger. This is an anger against injustice. This is an anger against what Allah despises the province Willie Sutton would get on the minbar and sometimes his face would turn red with anger. Sometimes somebody would say something that was so vile and blasphemous and in grateful to Allah is found to audit that his face was compared to like a pomegranate seed if it burst the reddest of red

00:36:38 --> 00:36:41

but the Prophet Muhammad SAW I said I'm never got angry

00:36:43 --> 00:36:46

for muscle if the hasa he never got angry for himself.

00:36:47 --> 00:36:50

He was angry for the sake of Allah

00:36:51 --> 00:37:11

and that's why I said well the Lahore on have said that the Prophet Mohammed Salah never put his hand on any living creature. He never struck a child spouse, any living creature, except in Luffy, Sabine Illa, Jihad and

00:37:12 --> 00:37:16

except when he was on the battlefield, fighting the enemies of Allah.

00:37:17 --> 00:37:23

That perfectly encapsulates the to our relationship in Islam to anger, a time and a place.

00:37:25 --> 00:37:32

A time in a place. Anger is for the battlefield. Anger is for the injustice.

00:37:34 --> 00:37:43

It's not for our spouse. It's not for our children. It's not for our parents. That's the type of anger that the problem honestly Saddam was telling us to control.

00:37:45 --> 00:37:56

And indeed Sadaqa Rasulullah sallallahu Sallam strong man is not the person who's excels at wrestling is the person who can control themselves when they're angry. I get angry at my kids.

00:37:57 --> 00:38:07

I'm sure you get angry at your kids. Right? Sometimes, especially like recently this last week, that sometimes like the kids just know how to bother each other.

00:38:08 --> 00:38:24

And they just like, pick at each other and stay instigate until one of them yells one of them screams they're both crying, they run to you, he did this she did that. And they show you their their their wounds, right. bite marks over here and blood over here and right.

00:38:26 --> 00:38:33

And you know that they have it in them to get along, you know that they have the potential to act more reasonably and you get upset and then you start

00:38:34 --> 00:38:36

getting angry at them

00:38:40 --> 00:38:42

doesn't help. It rarely helps.

00:38:45 --> 00:39:09

The problem has always had and wants us to control our anger, to not act out of anger. When it comes to our children to not act out of anger when it comes to our spouses can remember the Hadith when the prophesy Saddam was an ISIS house, and one of his other wives I believe that was I believe it was Hafsa sent food because the prophesy Saddam had guests.

00:39:10 --> 00:39:11

What did I should do?

00:39:12 --> 00:39:13

What did she do?

00:39:17 --> 00:39:25

She slapped the hand of our prophets always. He never hit her. He never hit any of his wives Bell.

00:39:26 --> 00:39:27

They hit him.

00:39:30 --> 00:39:37

She slapped his hand and knocked the food out of his hand broke the vessel on the ground.

00:39:40 --> 00:39:57

If the profits of Isilon ever had an excuse to be angry at one of his wives, this would be at the top of the list. If he ever had an excuse to yell, or to raise his voice, or to discipline in some sort of way his wives this would have been the time

00:39:59 --> 00:39:59

and what did he say?

00:40:00 --> 00:40:00


00:40:02 --> 00:40:03

he didn't do anything like that,

00:40:05 --> 00:40:12

he started cleaning up the food by himself. And he said to his guests, your mother got a little jealous.

00:40:14 --> 00:40:23

That's the type of control and type of anger the Prophet Muhammad SAW, I said, um, is talking about why, let's break it down. If the prophesy Saddam was angry in that situation,

00:40:24 --> 00:40:31

isn't it true that he wouldn't? He would have probably been angry because of how it looks to his guests.

00:40:33 --> 00:40:38

Wouldn't it have been about saving face and about appearing a certain way for other people?

00:40:39 --> 00:40:47

Is that appearing a certain way to an other people part of the dean? Or is it part of my own reputation? It's part of my own reputation.

00:40:48 --> 00:40:52

Sometimes we get angry at our kids out in public when they misbehave.

00:40:53 --> 00:40:58

Not because we're upset about what they did, but because we're afraid that other people are gonna judge us.

00:41:00 --> 00:41:19

We're afraid that other people are gonna think we're a bad parent, right? We have that what they call like the spotlight effect, we imagine that all eyes are on us. Right? And that everyone's just like, Oh, my God, what a horrible mother that is, are what a terrible father that is. Right? And so it actually messes with us because it causes us to act even more angry,

00:41:20 --> 00:41:23

hoping to get what we want from our kids.

00:41:25 --> 00:41:27

That wasn't the way of the Prophet Muhammad

00:41:29 --> 00:41:41

said whoever controls his anger, that is a strong person. And us all the Ohana, this extended to children. And us who was caught in Rasulullah saw was the servant of the Prophet sallallahu sallam.

00:41:42 --> 00:42:13

He spent 10 years and I said this in a hadith and it blows my mind when I read it. He said, I spent 10 years serving the prophesy Saddam. And in the Hadith, he says what Anahola it says, and I was a young kid, he said specifically, I wasn't doing it. All right, I was screwing up all the time. If he asked me to do something, there were many times when I got it wrong, or I messed up. And Anna said, while law he not once did the Prophet Muhammad said, Don't

00:42:14 --> 00:42:31

ever even asked me. Why did I do this? Or why didn't I do that? You know, those questions that we asked his parents, the rhetorical questions. Why don't you do that? Why didn't you do this? Right? The answer is already determined.

00:42:32 --> 00:42:46

You did the message that our kids get as loud and clear, you messed up. You did wrong. You should have done this other thing. 10 years with the Prophet Montessori. And he never once. He never once did that to ns are the Ohan.

00:42:52 --> 00:43:00

So obviously, this is a high as a high bar, set with a problem how to solve Salam. But the Rajat, it turns out, there are

00:43:02 --> 00:43:09

rungs on the ladder. And so as far as as much as we can get, we should try to get and this is a perfect segue to questions was almost at the end of the class.

00:43:15 --> 00:43:24

How do we correct children behavior? Without some moments of anger or discipline? Sister Samira, I'm trying to figure that out myself.

00:43:26 --> 00:43:32

I don't have the answers. I don't know. I get angry at my kids. I discipline my kids. Right.

00:43:33 --> 00:43:33


00:43:36 --> 00:43:37

I think

00:43:39 --> 00:43:43

it all comes down to relationships. It's hard. Yeah. Well, he, it's hard.

00:43:45 --> 00:43:49

It comes down to the strength of your relationship with your kid, right?

00:43:51 --> 00:44:00

I'll speak of myself. And what I see from the Prophet Muhammad. So I sent him the problem homicide said, um, he made everybody feel so special.

00:44:01 --> 00:44:15

The companions will report about this, he said, some of the Companions would say that you could sit with the Prophet Mohammed, slice them in a crowd. And he had a way of making you feel like he was just looking at you or just talking to you.

00:44:16 --> 00:44:23

We know that our kids crave that sort of attention. And we know, and I'm guilty

00:44:24 --> 00:44:38

more than anybody. We don't always give that level of attention to our kids. And we've got so I've got so many excuses. I've got the football over here. I've got the classes over here. I've got this couple needs counseling and that needs doing and et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

00:44:40 --> 00:44:43

And so when the kids come and they asked for my attention,

00:44:44 --> 00:44:54

it's very easy to be like, okay, can she go and play over here? Can she go through this other thing or go ask your mother, go ask your brother, go ask your sibling, these sorts of things.

00:44:55 --> 00:44:56


00:44:58 --> 00:44:59

And eventually

00:45:02 --> 00:45:06

This point at which the relationship isn't as strong as it could be.

00:45:07 --> 00:45:11

And if the relationship is not, and the attachment is not as strong as it could be,

00:45:14 --> 00:45:15

then the child

00:45:16 --> 00:45:22

won't listen, won't obey, and will actually act out in order to gain your attention.

00:45:26 --> 00:45:32

And this is fairly well documented, you know, this, this sort of phenomenon of acting out, right for attention.

00:45:35 --> 00:45:36

So I don't have answers.

00:45:38 --> 00:45:41

I think that moments of anger,

00:45:42 --> 00:45:46

and a little bit less so moments of discipline are like,

00:45:47 --> 00:45:52

what I'm gonna say, will be the correct analogy. It'd be like

00:45:57 --> 00:46:09

break glass in case of emergency, right? It's a real kind of like dramatic, or we could say, intense way to raise the stakes and kind of try to get what we want.

00:46:10 --> 00:46:19

But every time that we do it, we might be fraying the relationship a little bit, right? Have you ever met a parent, that all they do is yell.

00:46:21 --> 00:46:22

And all they do is discipline.

00:46:23 --> 00:46:39

And then to the child, it all sounds the same. The child won't be as surprised or as affected by yelling, anger. Because it's like a that's, that's mom. That's that. That's how they always are.

00:46:40 --> 00:46:42

Right? It loses its value.

00:46:43 --> 00:46:48

It loses its its efficacy, it loses its effectiveness. Right.

00:46:49 --> 00:46:50

And so

00:46:52 --> 00:47:15

there's probably situations where we have to resort to that I'm not, you know, I'm the man. I'm not a parenting counselor. I'm not a child psychologist. I'm not, you know, this isn't my area of expertise. But it's interesting to reflect upon the practice of the Prophet Muhammad sai Saddam. And the life of the prophet Muhammad SAW Saddam as a parent, he was a parent.

00:47:19 --> 00:47:21

And what occurs to me and Allah knows best is that

00:47:23 --> 00:47:45

for short term, and especially for long term, building strong relationships with our children, however we can, is kind of what stays is what stays and the day to day moment to moment techniques of, okay, you do that I'm going to take away this toy, or you're grounded, et cetera, et cetera, they might work in the short term.

00:47:48 --> 00:47:56

But isn't it really just a replacement for something else that's missing? Right? If we say that, okay, you have to pray. If you don't pray, I'm going to punish you. Okay, they pray.

00:47:58 --> 00:48:00

What are they going to do when they move out?

00:48:01 --> 00:48:03

Are they going to still pray when they move out?

00:48:04 --> 00:48:08

If they found a way to relate to the prayer

00:48:09 --> 00:48:12

themselves, they might continue to pray.

00:48:13 --> 00:48:23

If the prayer is just avoiding your punishment, they're just going to wait until they're gone. And once you're not over their head anymore, they're not going to pray. Right? It's like that.

00:48:25 --> 00:48:31

And Allah knows best I would if you guys have any ideas, I would love to, I would love to learn we just have like a parenting

00:48:33 --> 00:48:34

workshop where we all

00:48:35 --> 00:48:39

swap techniques and strategies and they don't

00:48:40 --> 00:48:41

commiserate with each other

00:48:45 --> 00:48:46

any other

00:48:49 --> 00:48:52

any other reflections or or questions or ideas?

00:49:05 --> 00:49:05


00:49:18 --> 00:49:19

hold on anything from you?

00:49:31 --> 00:49:33

Yeah, what's the doctor's name?

00:49:46 --> 00:49:47


00:49:50 --> 00:49:59

I think it's easier for me to speak rather than writing typing. So His name is Dr. Justin, Manitoba. I don't know if you heard about him.

00:50:00 --> 00:50:00


00:50:03 --> 00:50:18

Yeah, he gives a lot of great advices of raising children and generally it's great. So I always listened to him to help me. Hey, can you can you share something of his own work for the women?

00:50:19 --> 00:50:20

And then that way?

00:50:21 --> 00:50:28

So you're me to like, give you a link or something? Either it's a video YouTube or a link or something.

00:50:29 --> 00:50:46

Yeah, okay. Just now or Oh, no, about Dane button. Yeah, just send it on the WhatsApp group. Yeah, everyone. Yes. Yeah, he's very great. Yeah. And I noticed that he helped me a lot to with my daughter. Like, she's a little bit difficult. So yeah.

00:50:49 --> 00:50:52

For us, all of our kids are a little bit difficult to us.

00:50:54 --> 00:50:56

Alright, does that complicate we can thank you so much.

00:50:57 --> 00:51:21

Okay, everyone have a lovely evening. And yeah, we should we should swap, you know, tricks. If you find someone who's beneficial, especially like you guys have the women's group, share it, share it to say no, it doesn't have to be like, like, I found this person beneficial and I hope anybody who's looking can benefit from them. So I said, Okay, thank you all very much for your participation in sha Allah.

00:51:23 --> 00:51:27

We'll see you next time. Allah has thought it out and I said on Monday

Share Page

Related Episodes