Suhaib Webb – Ramadn Reflections Part 1 My First Ramadn
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I don't think people understand
the amount of internal conversations you have with
yourself the 1st year as a convert.
The doubts, the vulnerabilities,
the fears,
and sometimes your need to be authenticated
by your new community.
My first Ramadan,
I was terrified.
I didn't even know about fasting. I remember
when I converted,
a guy told me about it. He got
scared. He thought I was gonna leave Islam.
I didn't know how to fast.
It was just like a tempest of emotions
and challenges.
And for the 1st 3 or 4 months
of my Islam, I've just been watching what
everybody else that had been doing,
how to pray,
how to make wudu, no one really taught
me.
So going into this month,
I had really no idea
what was in front of me, and I
was worried it wouldn't be acceptable to to
to God, right, to Allah.
2nd was the community. It was a new
community. Conversion was really like social suicide.
I lost all my friends. That was my
fault, really.
And
I didn't really understand all the cultures that
were I felt like I was in a
religious time square.
And then 3rd were, like, my issues in
my life. I still was
into smoking a lot of marijuana.
I was DJing in nightclubs. I was working
on an album with some people that smoked
a lot of weed, did drugs.
I had a really beautiful girlfriend.
I was worried as a convert.
I remember, like, if I don't do this
right, I'm gonna lose Islam.
And if I don't do this right, I'm
gonna lose all my friends.
So I remember being at this really powerful
crossroads,
my first Ramadan.
And I think that's why, you know, the
prophet I used to take benefit from the
statement, it's the month of patience.
Requires a lot of patience.
One feeling that I had was, like, get
to the masjid. I go to the mosque
after class,
you know, trying to fast,
going to school, 40 hours,
working 20 hours of class work,
and just trying to manage all of that.
People, like, yo, what's up, Big Will, man?
You coming to the party. You gonna DJ
the party for the alphas. You gonna DJ
the party for the kappa's.
And, you know, my girl calling me on
the phone, and I'm trying to explain, like,
for the next 29 or 30 days.
And, you know, the heart,
who doesn't like to be around
something they find attractive?
You know? So I think it was like
this idea of having
to give up certain things that I was
really used to, and I I I enjoyed.
So I just had this feeling, like, you
gotta go to the mosque every day for
iftar. And that was a challenge because, you
know, I'm a white guy from Oklahoma,
and, you know, just that first few days
of just getting
used to eating that spicy food,
constantly being asked, how do I convert when
my parents are Muslim? I don't think people
understand, like,
it's great that people have that interest, but
personal issues are personal issues. Religion is very
personal.
So everybody, every night, asking me about my
conversion story actually made me very uncomfortable.
Trying to deal with people speaking a different
language around me and laughing, I I thought
I was very young and immature. I thought
they were making fun of me.
So a lot of issues, and I just
decided to go to the mosque and pray
tawee
and try to read the Quran in English.
And then also
trying to,
like, just make small changes, incremental changes.
And
man, that helped me that that at the
end of the month, I can't say that
I came out perfect. I don't
I don't think that's right to tell people
that, you know, I came out better.
I didn't come out perfect.
I came out better. But that that first
Ramadan really ended up being a great blessing
for me, and it was kind of like
a catapult to push me,
to try to subtly improve myself.
I mean, for the month of Ramadan. You
know? It was a great blessing, but it
wasn't easy.