Suhaib Webb – Ramadn Reflections Part 1 My First Ramadn

I don't think people understand

the amount of internal conversations you have with

yourself the 1st year as a convert.

The doubts, the vulnerabilities,

the fears,

and sometimes your need to be authenticated

by your new community.

My first Ramadan,

I was terrified.

I didn't even know about fasting. I remember

when I converted,

a guy told me about it. He got

scared. He thought I was gonna leave Islam.

I didn't know how to fast.

It was just like a tempest of emotions

and challenges.

And for the 1st 3 or 4 months

of my Islam, I've just been watching what

everybody else that had been doing,

how to pray,

how to make wudu, no one really taught

me.

So going into this month,

I had really no idea

what was in front of me, and I

was worried it wouldn't be acceptable to to

to God, right, to Allah.

2nd was the community. It was a new

community. Conversion was really like social suicide.

I lost all my friends. That was my

fault, really.

And

I didn't really understand all the cultures that

were I felt like I was in a

religious time square.

And then 3rd were, like, my issues in

my life. I still was

into smoking a lot of marijuana.

I was DJing in nightclubs. I was working

on an album with some people that smoked

a lot of weed, did drugs.

I had a really beautiful girlfriend.

I was worried as a convert.

I remember, like, if I don't do this

right, I'm gonna lose Islam.

And if I don't do this right, I'm

gonna lose all my friends.

So I remember being at this really powerful

crossroads,

my first Ramadan.

And I think that's why, you know, the

prophet I used to take benefit from the

statement, it's the month of patience.

Requires a lot of patience.

One feeling that I had was, like, get

to the masjid. I go to the mosque

after class,

you know, trying to fast,

going to school, 40 hours,

working 20 hours of class work,

and just trying to manage all of that.

People, like, yo, what's up, Big Will, man?

You coming to the party. You gonna DJ

the party for the alphas. You gonna DJ

the party for the kappa's.

And, you know, my girl calling me on

the phone, and I'm trying to explain, like,

for the next 29 or 30 days.

And, you know, the heart,

who doesn't like to be around

something they find attractive?

You know? So I think it was like

this idea of having

to give up certain things that I was

really used to, and I I I enjoyed.

So I just had this feeling, like, you

gotta go to the mosque every day for

iftar. And that was a challenge because, you

know, I'm a white guy from Oklahoma,

and, you know, just that first few days

of just getting

used to eating that spicy food,

constantly being asked, how do I convert when

my parents are Muslim? I don't think people

understand, like,

it's great that people have that interest, but

personal issues are personal issues. Religion is very

personal.

So everybody, every night, asking me about my

conversion story actually made me very uncomfortable.

Trying to deal with people speaking a different

language around me and laughing, I I thought

I was very young and immature. I thought

they were making fun of me.

So a lot of issues, and I just

decided to go to the mosque and pray

tawee

and try to read the Quran in English.

And then also

trying to,

like, just make small changes, incremental changes.

And

man, that helped me that that at the

end of the month, I can't say that

I came out perfect. I don't

I don't think that's right to tell people

that, you know, I came out better.

I didn't come out perfect.

I came out better. But that that first

Ramadan really ended up being a great blessing

for me, and it was kind of like

a catapult to push me,

to try to subtly improve myself.

I mean, for the month of Ramadan. You

know? It was a great blessing, but it

wasn't easy.