Shadee Elmasry – Mothers’ Hour, Being Mom 8
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AI: Transcript ©
Let's go.
Alright, so they come over, okay. All right. So the past week or so
like the past lectures, we were speaking about how punishment, or
giving timeout and all this stuff was like totally not a method of
racing in Islam. And I know I got a lot of like, everybody was like,
What are you talking about last time. And I promised that this
week inshallah we will talk about alternatives for punishment, okay.
And we spoke about how punishing children when it's not even okay
to punish them, sometimes we punish them when it's not even
something they should be punished for. And we gave examples, like
when your child is developing a skill and learning and you prevent
him without realizing by punishing them. And we said that punishment
is not the first option. Neither is the most suitable way. In fact,
we said, it's the last of the last of resorts alternatives. Okay,
after approaching all the other methods that are more effective,
and at the same time, you're trying to preserve the unity and
the bonding of your family, because punishment does do a
separation in the house, even whether you want it to happen or
not. It does do that. And the first alternative I want to talk
to you about today will not appeal to you again. And you might think
this is you know, being reckless or spoiling the children. But
believe me, it isn't, trust me. All right. The first alternative
I'm going to talk about today is something called a laugh,
forgiving. You'll tell me what forgiving he did a catastrophe or
you didn't see what he just said, or what she just did. And you're
telling me to forgive? I'll tell you positive forgiveness, meaning
what? Meaning you bring your child, and you sit him or her in
front of you, and you tell them what you've done is terrible, or
really bad. And I'm hurt, and I'm capable of punishing you. But I
will forgive you this time. Please do not repeat what you have done.
You belittle this action? And a lot of parents say no way. There's
no way What do you mean, I'm just going to forgive him. But believe
me, this is the first alternative you have to use with your kids.
Your son made a mistake. Why can't you start with him with this
approach? This is positive forgiveness. You're not laughing
to them and tell them oh, it's okay. Honey, you just did this
terrible thing. It's okay. Don't worry about it. I forgive you. No,
I'm not saying that. You say I'm hurt for what you did. But I
forgave when I could have punished, I have the ability to
punish you, I can punish you and tell them that I could punish you.
But I have decided to forgive because if you don't teach your
kids forgiveness, how are they going to forgive? How are they
going to have the capacity to forgive if somebody does something
wrong? And they just pound on them right away? Where are they going
to learn how to forgive others if you do not teach them that?
And the verse is very clear, when Allah subhanaw taala says we'll
call the minimize, we're laughing and a nurse will law you have been
listening, and those who control their anger, and forgive people or
pardon people, and truly a law loves the doers of good. Why are
we capable a flow of applying this verse with people but not with our
children. We're very easygoing with when it comes to other
people, strangers or whatever it work. Somebody is something you
forgive them and you smile. Oh, it's okay. Though, when it comes
to our children, why is it so hard to forgive with our children? If
you don't have the capacity to forgive your own children? Then
how are you capable of forgiving others? And why are you under the
impression that your child is dumb or naive, and they will not
understand the concept of forgiving? Why do you think like,
oh, they won't understand that. Why do you look as forgiveness as
an ineffective way of raising your child? Why isn't it some way or a
method that the Prophet Muhammad Salim used. Look at the Prophet
Muhammad Salah Salem and what he says in this hadith, on the day of
the opening of Mecca, the Prophet Muhammad wa sallam said to the
people of Mecca go, you are free to hobble unto tilaka although all
they did with him, they were fighting him. They were trying to
kill him. They did the most horrible things to him, right?
They were torturing the Muslims. But he came in and said, What? Go
you are free. Alright, he forgave everybody. And as he was leaving,
a man called for dollar was passing by, and he had a dagger
with him, and he hid it inside his cloak, intending to kill the
Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu wasallam the Prophet just forgive,
it's over. But no further Allah kept getting closer to the Prophet
Muhammad wa salam till he was right behind him, and he just
wanted to be certain it's him and then stab him. The Prophet
Muhammad so SLM felt him approaching and he turned around
and looked at Fiddler right in the eye and told him what is your soul
spelling upon you to do for dollar for dollar replied, I'm doing the
stuff of last philosopher philosopher law right. So the
Prophet Muhammad sai Salam looked into his eyes and smiled at him
and said, Fear Allah offer dollar tequila for dollar for dollar says
he kept wiping on my chest with his head and saying, Fear Allah
offered ALLAH ask Allah for forgiveness Oh for dollar for
dollar says before he wiped on my chest. He was the most hated of
people on the earth to my heart, but out
After or as he raised his hand off my chest, he became the most loved
of people to my heart.
Is this just forgiveness? No, it's not forgiveness, they Oh, it's
okay. Have you It's alright. Don't worry about No, I'm not telling
you to do that. No, it's positive forgiveness, that for dollar
converted to Islam with and became a better Muslim with if $1 was
punished or killed. He thought he'd be dead, right? Because I
mean, he was going to kill the Prophet Mohammed Selim here, they
would have killed him. And he would go where Hellfire he wanted
to kill the Prophet Muhammad. But look again at the Prophet. Right?
A diverse I'm sorry, we'll call the minimize well as going on in
this will love your herbal medicine, and those who control
their anger, and forgive people and truly Allah loves the doors of
good.
Why can we use the same concept with your children, this was
someone who was going to kill you. And he was able to forgive him.
And by that padding Subhanallah, he was able to break that anger or
the evil that was into him, instead of punishing, we could
have punished him and it would have been done. And for that it
would have been lost. But deposit of forgiveness leads to what to
better results to the results that you're looking for actually. Okay,
so you can use this method with your child after you confirm to
him or her that you could have punished instead. And I've this
was my first time to hear about this method. And I did try it this
week with one of my children. And it really does work. Like one of
them did something unbelievable. And I set them I was like, you
know, I could What should I do right now with you? Like, put me
in timeout. I was like, Yeah, but guess what? I could put you in
timeout, but I'm not going to put you in timeout. I'm going to
forgive you this time. But you have to promise me not going to do
that. You know, and just melted down. It's like I'm sorry, Mama
right away. You know? Subhanallah it does work. So you have to give
it a try. Now another story I'll share with you about the same
concept Xena, the IB Dean and then Hassan Ignalina Vitaly, he had a
servant. And she did an absolute catastrophe. A real catastrophe.
What did she do? She was carrying a pot of boiling hot water. And by
mistake she tripped. And the boiling water spilt on his son
says the grandson of who are leaving Vitaly flagella on water.
What would you do for you on his shoes?
Can you imagine your servants? spilt a pot of boiling hot water
on your son? She's done. She's dead. Like what are you going to
do to her? I don't know what you do to her. So amid his anger,
right then Aberdeen's anger, she looked up at him and said, One
call the minimize and those who control their anger. He replied, I
controlled my anger calm to yz. She said, Well, I've been on a
nurse, and those who pardon people, he replied Athol Twonky, I
have forgiven you. So she continued, and Allah loves the
doors of goods to Allah, your humble Mohsen. He said, Go, you're
free.
I know.
We're not capable of doing such an action. It's an unbelievable
situation. Because if I mean, if one of your kids hits your other
child, and they get hurt, you get very upset with your child. And it
could be a little, you know, the door slammed on them or the door,
something simple where they'll, you know, get a little hurt, and
it'll be fine. But this like, she literally ruined this whole
child's he, she burned him totally burned him. But he has that
ability to forgive. Why? Because Allah subhanaw taala does what he
loves the doers of cooking, imagine Allah subhanaw taala
bestowing his love on you for forgiving, but not just forgiving,
but forgiving your own children, something you could do on a daily
basis, right? Now.
You have to try to work on this concept inside of you. And that is
the positive forgiveness, that will better them. It's not just
about forgiving, but it's the forgiveness that will make them
better that will make them actually achieve what you're
trying to make them do. Because when you punish, you think that
you actually taught them a lesson, but they didn't get anything out
of it. Yeah, they learned that you got mad, they won't do it, but
they're gonna go to something else. They haven't built that bond
with you that you're trying to do. Alright. Now let's look at a
second alternative other than punishment, what is this other
alternative? It's a very bright alternative. And it's related to
using the language of empathy that we spoke about before. And we said
what before focus on your own emotions, meaning what? Instead of
bringing your child and telling him you did so and so and so and
so, talk about yourself, but what is the value of this? I'm sad, I'm
hurt. I feel that I haven't succeeded as a mom and I tried
this one as well, by the way, and my daughter was like, No, Mama,
you're doing your best you're doing your best. I was like, I
feel like I'm maybe I'm a very bad mom. You know, she spoke to me
like this. Maybe I didn't you know, I haven't been doing the
right thing. It's like no more. I was just tired. You were doing
your best. I'm so sorry. It does work. Wallahi it does work. Okay,
I feel disappointed. What a loss. I did so and so so for you and you
do such and such. Focus on yourself. And believe me, do not
belittle this alternative either. Our kids have good hearts. They
do. And it's has a great impact on them. It could shake them from
inside and make their hearts we feel like we really try to try to
use it and I'll share with
With your real story about this alternative, okay? This young man
told his dad, I'm gonna take the car to fix it in the body shop,
and I'll pick you up at four o'clock from work. He took the car
looked at his watch. Wasn't four o'clock yet. I was like, You know
what, let me take the car, I'm gonna go off to the movies, go to
the movie theater, watch the movie eats his popcorn enjoys himself.
When he looks back at the clock, it is six o'clock. So he thought
to himself, What am I going to do? He decided to lie. So he goes back
to his father, and he tells him the body shop didn't finish. And
actually, they're gonna need to work on the car again tomorrow.
And this is of course, so he could have the car for another day and
cruise with it.
And he basically told that to his father, the father responded, I'm
disappointed. I'm upset. You're lying to me? The boy replied, No,
I'm saying the truth. The father replied, you're lying to me, when
you relate to me coming to pick me up. I called the body shop because
I was worried about you. And they said, You never came. Of course
the body know what to do, pretty much. And of course, he was like,
in a very, you know, bad situation. Now what did this
father do? He had the option to punish his son, his son took the
car, he lied to him. And actually not just for what happened, but
also for the following day as well. But he used another
alternative that we just spoke about. And believe it or not, what
did he say?
Believe it or not, I'm not upset from you. I'm upset for myself. It
seems I haven't succeeded as a father,
the father who didn't even succeed in teaching his own son, not to
lie to him, will surely end up lying to everybody else in this
whole world. I am sad, I have definitely done a lot of mistakes
in my way of raising you take the car now, I won't be able to ride
with you. I need to walk with myself for a bit and revise my
ways of parenting as a father.
The person who's telling us the story is the boy himself. He says
I was driving the car, and my father was walking. And I felt I
had no desire whatsoever anymore for the car, I don't want it. I
don't want it anymore. I was planning to take it the next day
and go hang out with my friends. I didn't want the car anymore. And
my tears kept rolling down my cheeks as my father was walking,
and I'm driving slowly next to him. And every two minutes, I pull
over and get out of the car. Anton, please, I beg you please
come back into the car. Enough father, my heart is aching. The
boy says I wish he just punished me or took away from my family my
allowance. This was way more painful than punishment. Enough
dad come in the car, I beg you. And he refused. Let me be. I'm
sad. This was the second alternative. Focus on your own
feelings and emotions. You could smile to your child a smile of I'm
sad by what you just did. Right? Or it would be 100 times more
effective than just putting him or her in timeout, or canceling that
out into they've been looking out for so long. You see, when you
punish you think your child will really get impacted by the lesson
you want to teach them or through that punishment. You think your
child will be like, Oh, I really you know, learn from this
punishment or sitting in timeout? Or because you took away from me?
You know, Hamdulillah you just told me what you wanted to do?
Absolutely not. Your child will be telling himself or herself. Why is
she doing this to me? Okay, she did this, I'll do this, or I'll do
that. But in this situation I just shared with you, the boy wept. And
the boy swears by Allah that he never ever lied to his father
again.
The father didn't punish. He focuses on his emotions. It's my
mistake. If you were like this, and I probably didn't raise you
well, it's my mistake, there's something wrong with me. And
subhanAllah kids get very, you know, touched by that, that you're
blaming your own self for something wrong that they did. And
they know very well that it's their fault, not yours.
SubhanAllah. So it's a very good approach. There are other
alternatives, but we are lazy, we try to seek the easy way out for
the situation at that moment, you have a million things to do, you
want to get through your day. So the easiest way is what go to your
room right now I don't want to talk with you sit down in whatever
timeout chair or the whatever you do, you know, go into the couch
and sit for a timer for five minutes. You don't want to deal
with them. It's sort of discussing, of course, you can
tell this is wrong. But it's not. It's not going to get that you
know, that goal achieved, and it definitely is not going to make
your child bond with you. Not on any level. All right. Now, with
alternatives, there are good results. You know, with
forgiveness, you win over your child because he or she are
thankful to you for forgiving them. If you forgive someone,
they're always going to have that gratitude in them that you forgive
them. And I'm sure that's the same way if you feel you did something
really bad and somebody forgave you. You're going to feel like I'm
not ashamed, like you're ashamed. But you're you're thankful to
them, even if you don't see it, but inside you you feel that
thanks SubhanAllah. And the second alternative when you focus on
yourself, your child feels the pain of hurting you and repels
from wanting to repeat the same mistake again.
You get it? Believe me sometimes that's again, that sad smile has a
much stronger impact than your yelling and you're punishing
because you focused on your feelings. I'm sorry.
While in Yes, but it's a smile of sadness.
Yes, yes, it does affect the kids believe me try new methods. Forget
about timeout.
One is still not convinced. I'll convince you by the end of today's
lecture inshallah. Now the Prophet Muhammad so Salam used to use this
message method. I listened to Malik was the prophet servant, and
he was 10 or 11 years old. And he says, I served the Prophet
Muhammad Salah Salem for 10 years. And never once did he Huff or puff
to me over a thing I did. Can you imagine? 10 years and a servant? I
don't know how many times you have a question like, why did you do
this? Why don't do that. Go to your room, get this get dressed,
don't like you're consistently giving them instructions and
telling them what to and what not to do 10 years and he's not his
son, he treated him as a son. But he's a servant. And not once did
he have or puff to me. He never haft or puffed over a thing. And
he never said to something that I did. Why did you do it? And he
never said to something that I didn't do? Would you go and do it?
Then how did he raise him? You know, I when I think of this
hadith, I'm thinking to myself, so you know, if he doesn't tell him
what's wrong? And what's right, then, you know, what was he doing?
To raise someone you need to tell them you know, you need to advise
them, direct them, do this, don't do this, go here sit there. You
have to tell them what to do. They're your kids. But they are
other alternatives. That's what Anna's himself is saying. He never
huffed or puffed. He never told me what or not what to do. What does
this mean? It means we need to go back and revise our ways of
phrasing. And when I tell you punishment is not a suitable
method for raising, you have to understand that this is the
Prophetic way not my personal words or what I think personally,
this is what the Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Sallam the best of
teachers, the teacher of all mankind did not me. It's not got
nothing to do with me. I'm still working on a big project to Forex.
Still, I still do timeout, but I'm trying to work on this. You know,
so it's the Prophet Muhammad has said that is when which other
teacher or which better teacher can we learn from if we're not
going to learn from him salatu salam, and yes, punishment is an
option. But the last, the last and last of options, I'm going to keep
repeating this, when you've tried every other approach and failed,
then you can resign to punishment, and most likely, I assure you will
not need to.
Because your child by that time, his heart or her heart will have
softened so much, that it will be so much easier for you to bond
with them. And with this positivity to get them doing what
they need to be doing correctly. So 10 years an * narrates a
story that explains to us this method. And it says the Prophet
Muhammad wa sallam sent me to run an errand for him, he was going to
deliver something to one of the sahaba. So on my way, I found the
boys and I started playing with them. So I stopped and played with
them. And of course, if this happens with you, there's a
punishment or you send your daughter to do something, she goes
upstairs totally forgets find something, she starts playing with
her sister or goes down and does something else. And you're like
waiting downstairs, your voices like what are you doing over while
you're not focused? You're not concentrating This is that we're
late, whatever, right? Of course. So he says, I started playing with
other children and totally forgot about the air and the Prophet
Muhammad Salam had sent me to do. And as I was playing, I saw a
shadow approach from behind me, can you imagine that you knew were
like, oh boy, I'm in trouble now. Then the shadow stood behind me,
and placed his hand on my shoulder. So I turned, and there
was the prophet Muhammad Sosa lives smiling to me and saying,
didn't I send you?
The smile? So I replied, Oh, I was going a prophet of Allah and I
ran, I ran to do the errand. You see, all he did was? Didn't I send
you in a nice way? And a smile?
I know. I know. I laughed when I read the Hadith.
I was like, oh, boy, get a long way to go. But definitely, this is
I know, it's not it's not easy. I'm not saying it's easy.
Subhanallah but you have to keep practicing and working on
yourself. The kids are not going to be who we want them to be if we
don't work on ourselves first. It doesn't happen that way. We can
expect or keep putting expectations for them when we
don't change ourselves. They're not going to change if we don't
change. There's no way it doesn't happen that way. Lady right along
with the common hottie aroma we and for some Allah subhanaw taala
does not change in the people unless they change and themselves.
You want to see difference a difference? You have to start
working on yourself first. And then you'll see that reflection or
that reflect on your children inshallah. Okay? You see, when we
have compassion and emotion between us and our children, we
have more control over them. We own the more okay, within when we
use the language of harshness and strictness. Because you went over
their heart, okay? Because she's my mother, and I love her. And she
respects me. And because she forgave me on such and such day, I
can never break her heart. That's how it works. It's a very simple
equation. That's how it is. You just have to keep working on it.
Believe me, you will own your kids hearts and minds with love and
compassion, more than you would owe them with fear, authority,
power or punishment. That's not the way of raising that's not the
right way. That's not the prophetic way.
You know, it's not easy. We that's what we've been raised. That's how
we've been raised. And so it's just by common sense, this is how
everybody raised their Christian, this is how we raise it. Now we
have to go back again, we can't just keep on deviating from the
way of the Prophet Muhammad sai Salam, and then complain how our
kids are, we can't do that, you know, the problem is with us, not
with the kids. We're not using the right methods.
So you see what he did with Anis and who narrated to us this again,
and this himself because it affected him, although this
incident happened when he was only 10 years old. And he related it
when he was much older as an adult and treat us today after how many
years SubhanAllah. And maybe if he had punished him, he would have
never told us he definitely wouldn't have told us imagine if
somebody pointed out he's gonna come and tell you oh, he punished
me. Or he could have told us but while he was negatively impacted,
right, no one's gonna come and tell you, you know, so and so
punished me. Or he says, but he's gonna see bitterly and he's not
going to have he's going to feel shamed or humiliated by the person
who punished him. So that's your second alternative focus on your
own feelings. Now let's look at the third alternative. And it's a
really nice alternative. What is it, instead of punishing, motivate
them to succeed or use positive reinforcement, meaning what? Now I
know of a mom, she had a very high sense of humor.
Her boys were there in their early teens, about 1415 years old. And
everyday at the table, when they come to their soup, they would
start slurping and making the you know, that kind of sound as
they're eating, okay. And she would keep you so embarrassed,
they will do it in front of guests in front of her family, it was
very embarrassing for them. And she was just about to explode. She
was done. And she didn't you know, she wants instruct them. And other
times she would punish and other times you take away that
allowance, this that that and it was just basically useless. They
were so annoying. So what did she do? One day she came while they
were sitting at the table and started seeing a $5 competition, a
$5 competition. Anyone who drinks the soup without making a sound
gets $5 Of course the boys love the idea. I was like, Okay, we're
gonna get money for this. So she says, and then she says, and this
competition is going to be going on for a whole month. She says
after a month, it became their habit to drink without making a
sound Subhanallah there's ways of motivating your kids. It doesn't
have to always be she tried the punishing, she tried the, uh, you
know, yelling at them. She tried taking their allowance from them.
It didn't work at that age, you know, when they're, you know, some
kids are just annoying. And then at the sort of the age of the
teens, they're even more annoying Subhanallah they're trying
themselves, they're trying to see, you know, how far they can get
with you and see how your limits are how far your limits can be. So
she did another positive way. It was fun. They were laughing they
were doing a contest at the table. And at the same time she achieved
what she needed to see from her children. SubhanAllah. So
motivating, instead of attacking is an another another amazing
alternative and has a very good impact. And let me share with you
another story and I love this story. It's the story of Imam
Malik. Right. Imam Malik is one of the four Imams who delivered to
the owner. Okay, and whose madhhab to this day is the madhhab used
are for the people of Morocco, Algeria, Tunisia, Libya, or Tanya.
Right. So this is Imam Malik, when he was a little kid, his head was
not into studying at all. He did not care a bit about studying or
knowledge or nothing he didn't want to do have anything to do he
just like playing around or fooling around. And we all know
nowadays of kids who are not interested in studying or doing
their homework, and they get punished for that they lose their
allowance, they get put in timeout, their their best outing
is taken away, or their video game or whatever other punishment that
you use in your home. But the mother in the second history year
was way wiser than the moms nowadays. All his younger brothers
were more advanced than him not because they were brighter, but
because they were studying. And he spent his time playing with the
pigeons and singing. And he signed himself that he would be a great
singer one day, imagine this remember? Right? It's gonna be
great singer. And he was really good looking. Right? So there was
no concept of knowledge or religion whatsoever in his head.
So what did his wife's parents do? His father and his mother use the
third approach motivation, he said decided they're going to have a
competition every Friday after Juma prayer for the children, and
they're going to be giving prizes to Okay. They set up this whole
competition just for him without him knowing. So all the kids would
answer correctly, but he wasn't able to he didn't know. And the
whole competition was just for him. Time after time, you realize
that he looked really bad in front of all the other kids to one day.
He says my younger brother won the prize over me. And I was so angry.
And I said by a law I have to succeed in something if his
parents had punished him for not studying, there might have been
nothing in our history called Imam Malik, or the method of Imam
Malik. So he decided to be a singer and succeed as a singer.
That was his decision that
De, but he had a very bad voice, right? So now his mom wanted to
deliver to him that whoever succeeds in such a thing must have
a talent. And if you want to succeed in something, you have to
have a talent. You can just go sing if you have, you know, the
croaky voice, but she didn't want to say flat on his face. So she
said to him, if a singer doesn't have a beautiful voice, no one
listens to him, even if he's good looking. Right? She's not telling
him you're a good looking and you have a bad voice. She's like, if a
singer wants to succeed, in general, he has have a good what
voice even if he's good looking? So he said, So what do I do? She
replied, but knowledge and scholars puts you in a totally
different rank. He didn't like the idea of knowledge. So didn't he
didn't buy it, you know? So what did she do? She went and bought
her the cloak and the turban that the scholars were, you know, when
you go by your son that you know, doctors, you know, code when
they're little or the, you know, policeman suit, and you're so
excited, they feel so proud of themselves, and they get
everybody's attention. So he wore them and he went out. And he got
everybody's attention out on the roads. Everyone started pointing
at him and saying, Oh, look at that little boy in this colors,
Coke and turban. He's so cute. And he realized that he had been
trying so hard to stand out in something. And now he was getting
all of this attention. So he ran back to his mom and told her I
want knowledge. Subhanallah she said now go to Ivanova and take
his morals, before his knowledge.
What a mother and father really was a mother and father, they
totally changed the entire path of his life. Subhan Allah now by
punishing him for not studying, but by setting up an entire
competition for all the kids wasn't for it wasn't for the kids,
the whole competition was made just for him to motivate him
Subhanallah and he becomes Imam Malik nowadays that we follow now
Subhan Allah. So you see, we are alternatives for punishment.
Instead of punishing, let's motivate our children. Let's see
what motivates them and then focus on it, see what they like what
they're good at and motivate them, try to make them feel that they're
successful in something are always bring them down.
So the first alternative, we said is forgiveness, and your child
will be grateful to you positive forgiveness. The second we said
focus on your emotions. And if your child loves you, you will be
dear to him or her than the whole world. Give compassion, he'll give
you back his heart, his mind, his soul and all that you want. It's
all up. Okay, better than punishment. And again, I said
punishment brings hatred. And it brings isolated islands in your
home, especially when they grow older. And I'm sure you can
relate. If you have teenagers, if you punish them, they'll go into
the room, they don't want to talk to you. They want to do the
homework there. They don't want to sit with you. They just isolate
themselves from you. They don't want to deal with you. And the
third alternative, we said motivation. The fourth alternative
instead of punishing is called Let's correct the mistake you did
together. Your child did something a mistake, instead of punishing
them. No, let's correct it together. I'll share with you this
very strange yet funny story. Okay, this boy was 12 years old.
And he was at a swimming, you know, swimming club, kind of a
sporting club with his friend. And as they were passing the pool
area, they found that what the person was working, forgot to lock
the gates. Okay. So they felt they went in. I'm sorry, excuse me. And
they threw all the chairs and all the towels into the pool. Okay.
Now, of course, if your child did that, God help him. You'd be in
the pool, probably with the with the table with the chairs and the
towels. So when his friends were taken by to kind of like after
they did what they did, they were like, you know, kind of taken
aback. I'm like, Oh, what did we just do? Right? And as they were
coming back, the boy's father saw him. And he saw him whispering to
his friend telling like go, so he asked what's wrong? The boy
replied, there's nothing father, there's nothing. And he told his
friend to go quickly, right? So his dad asked him what happened
when they went home? The boy replied again, nothing. There's
nothing. So the father told him, Tell me what happened. And I
promise you I won't get angry. He told him we went in the pool. And
we threw all the towels and the chairs in the pool. The father
said, Oh, wait on me, you're gonna get a beating you've never seen
before. The boy replied, Didn't you promise me when law he I will
never tell you anything again.
Did you hear that? I will never tell you promise me okay. I'm
never going to tell you anything again. You promised him you
wouldn't do anything to him. Subhanallah the father had a wake
up call, he realized right away what was going on. And the last
Panatela gave him idea. And he used the second alternative and
told him he focused on himself. I'm sad that my son would do so
and that I raised my son and that he would do so. And I'm not upset
for myself. But for the poor workers that will have to come
back tomorrow morning to this mess. And to the person that might
even get punished for forgetting that you know, the pool gate
opened and you ended up doing this. They're going to get in
trouble. So their boys replied Okay, what am I going to do?
Whatever happened happened he started feeling the guilt and this
is the proof that it did work when you focus on your
himself. He felt, you know, bad. So the father moved right away
onto the fourth, what alternative? He told his son, there's a
solution. The boy said, What is it, he replied, We fixed the
wrong. The boy said how he said, call your friend right now we're
gonna go pick him up.
And we're going to head back to the club, to the sporting club. If
the gauge is still opened, we will go in the pool. And we're going to
get all these chairs that you throw in and all the towels. And
if the gate is closed, I'm going to call the manager and I promise
you, he won't harm you. And I'll tell him we want to fix are wrong.
Okay, now beating is easy. He could have just beat him. Right?
Some fathers do that. Unfortunately. It was easy. They
would have just gone home, he beat him goes back to sleep. No. He
could have said Go to your room. I don't want to see you. Easy.
Punishment in general is easy. It's very easy. But no, we have to
change our ways. I'm going to keep repeating. How can you keep using
a key to open a lock that doesn't belong to that key.
It will never open, try something new. You can keep on using the
same key for 10 or 15 years, using the same key knowing it doesn't
open and you still trying? It doesn't make any sense. Use
another key and try to open with it. If the key is not opening, if
this method of punishment is not working, leave it and try
something else. Maybe something else will open.
How many years? Have you heard about parents punishing their kids
or putting them in timeout or doing this or yelling and
screaming and it doesn't bring and you don't see any impact? You
don't see any results? Then why are you using the same approach
again, over and over? It doesn't make sense. When you go into your
house and you start opening the door and the door doesn't open you
try maybe once twice, three. And then after the third time, you
know, I was like this is not the right key, then you try another
key. That's the common sense. But unfortunately, we keep on trying
and trying and it will never open. Try something else.
So they went and they started pulling out all of the chairs and
all of the towels and placing the towels on the chairs so that they
will dry out by the morning. And the boy says the whole way back
home. My father was driving and he did not utter a word to me. And I
kept thinking to myself, Oh Allah, please make him say something
anything, or even punishment. The silence is killing me. Subhan
Allah. Do you see the fourth third of here? Fix the wrong? And I'll
help you. Right. It's a very easy approach. Again, it was very easy
for him to just punish his son for what he did. And he deserved it. I
mean, he did a catastrophe. Can you imagine thrown all the chairs
and the towels into the pool. And they had to drive all the way back
again, it was easier just to punish them. And that's it and the
night is over. But go back pick up your friend, we'll go back we're
going to fix the wrong. The boy learned that he can first of all
trust his father because he can come back again and tell him
something. And then at the end what's going to happen, he's
fixing the wrong with him and the boy felt the guilt. He was wishing
his father could tell him something. Just speak to me
because he was what he was so concerned about his father's
feelings Subhan Allah and the Prophet Muhammad SAW seven by the
way, use the same method how the companions were going out to the
Battle of bed, right? And he said no one follows us unless the ones
over the age of so and so no children are allowed to go out
into into battle. So to have the younger companions around the age
1415 had a bit of motivation like Oh, were men let's go and they
followed the army in secrecy. Alright, and nobody knew until the
day they reached bed. And then the Prophet found both boys and his
face and you were shocked. What are their names? Some right
Joondalup and Rafa M liquid age.
Now what should be they should be done with them. They didn't just
disobey their parents. They disobeyed the orders of the
Prophet Muhammad so Salam, and not in a joke in a big matter in war,
they're going out towards not a joke. It's not like, oh, just you
know, go do your homework, hey, they're going out to war and they
disobeyed his orders. Okay. What should you do? Send them home and
punch them right away? Right? I mean, it's not a joke. No. Look
with the Prophet Muhammad wa salam did. Now if these boys were sent
home now, that will break them and break their image in front of the
whole army, as men.
Be careful that you never, ever instruct or humiliate or yell or
punish your child in front of anyone. Do not break your child.
Do not make them lose respect for themselves. Even if you just lose
it and you want to go put them in timeout. You never do it in front
of anybody, not even in front of their own siblings. Take them on
the side and talk to them.
I know it's hard, but do not humiliate. Don't break them inside
because that breaks them inside. And once you break, you can never
build again until you can build confidence again in them. If you
break it. That's it. It's gone. So if the prophet Muhammad wa salam
says you're punished, and sends them back home in front of 300 of
the companions, that means that they're not men, right or wrong.
If you did that they're not mad. I mean, you're a little kids. You
Follow us, okay, go back home. But he wants to build an owner of men
of responsible young man. I'm sorry, I'm in the last part I'll
just finish up.
I'll wrap up and tell us if you make this a lot. So basically, the
Prophet Muhammad has decided not to send them back and he tried to
find what another alternative. He says, Does anyone have you know
how to aim? so rough? I replied, I do or Prophet of ALLAH. So he
said, Okay, you can come with us. So some of Egypt said, Oh, Prophet
of Allah, you leave your urine to crawl file. And if I were to
receive the rough out, I would beat him right away. He said, go
ahead and wrestle each other. Okay, you see what he's doing?
He's lifting up their spirits. So somewhere, one, so you told him,
You two can come with us. But both of you remain at the end of the
army with the companion. So. And if he tells you to turn back, then
you have to turn back. Okay.
Do you see what he did?
He's still sending them back. But he's sending them back as men, as
respected young men, not punished, not broken, respected in their own
eyes. And in the eyes of all of those who are around and watching.
Do you see how it is, don't humiliate your children find
another way, if they did something wrong, this was disobeying the
prophets order in a matter of war, okay, and they shouldn't have been
there, he's still going to send them back. But in a way, okay. Oh,
you know how to aim wonderful, you're going to join the army, you
have to wrestle wonder if you're going to join the army. But you
have to stay behind the army. And if you know, things, get whatever
and the companion tells you go back, then you have to go back
SubhanAllah. So this was another alternative, there are
alternatives for punishment, punishment is not the first way
out, it's the last thing you have to resort to, if not even resort
to at all, try to think of other ways to bring your kids closer to
you. Because punishment, believe me, it just makes them repel.
Yeah, it will teach them the lesson that they can do this now.
But they're going to find something else that they're going
to do. But if they learn how to or if you learn how to bring them
closer to you, they're going to try not to make you upset, that's
going to be their main goal, to get them saying. And it's very
important to do that by bonding with them, and trying to show them
that you have the capacity Forgive, and you have the capacity
to motivate them, and to fix things that are wrong with them
that they did wrong. Right. And by focusing on your own emotions, on
on your actions, it makes them feel bad, and then they kind of
try to bond with you. And they repel, again, as I said, from
trying to what, do anything that bothers you, right? So please,
Inshallah, try to take these approaches, and I'm going to send
you again, the text for it, and I'm sure the brother will send you
also the video for it. Try to use one of these approaches, not all
just try, I'm not going to tell you, it's all going to happen like
123 but once you do the timeout and wants to one of these and just
try to kind of like work your way through it until you totally
resigned from the punishment and Charlaine hopefully, there'll be a
method that will help us bring our kids back home and make that
family you know, together and show love. And so how nice the Muhammad
Ali Al sabya Salam Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.