Let Them Get Married – P1
Channel: Nouman Ali Khan
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I hope to discuss with you inshallah, tada is one, maybe two ions of solar noon, the 24th sort of the Quran, I refer to the solar several times, there are teachings in the solar that are fundamental for a community to survive and not lose Alas, guidance. So places in the Quran, Allah gives us instructions as an oma, other places in the Quran, Allah gives us guidance as an individual or as a family. And in some places in the Quran, he gives us guidance as a community of people that that families that support each other and live together, and how they need to help each other not fall off the path that Allah wants us to stay on. And so part of those instructions is what I'm going to
talk to you about today. And before I do, I'm going to share some observations. And then I'm going to read, you know, and try to extrapolate some of these lessons from these ideas. And I want you to see for yourself, where you and I fall, you know, obviously, all of us belong to different cultures, we come from different countries, many of us come from, you know, parts of Asia, parts of Africa, parts of Europe to different parts of the world. And every place has its own traditions, its own cultures, your family has your own way of doing things. Sometimes cultures are so different that people the way they do things in one village is very different from the way people do things in the
next village. Right. And when people identify with a particular family, or tribe or culture, then those values and those are the norms, from everything from the way we eat, from the way we dress, you know, from the way we speak, all of those our ceremonies, celebrations, all of those things are very deeply impacted by the places we come from, and the culture that we belong to. Right. I mean, it's of course, it's different when we come to a place like the United States, or when people move from different parts of the world to Europe, or Australia, or some parts of the West, where they keep parts of their culture, but they're now part of a new culture. And their children are being
exposed to a different world. So inside the home is biryani culture, but outside is you know, hamburger culture. So it's completely different worlds and they have to figure out how to live in both
You know, because the and sometimes when people come and move to a different country, they want to remember how things used to be back home. Right. So even you find, for example, in the United States, there are many places in the in the United States where the massages the hotbar is done in not English, it's actually done sometimes in order or Bangla or Arabic or some other language. And even though the every building is neighboring that busted his English speaking of the entire neighborhood, his English begins America. But there are some people there that want to remember how things used to be back home. So we need to keep things inside here the way they used to be back and
I know machines in New York that have been around for 50 years that still get called by the local language nobody understands, except the elders, even their own grandchildren to understand because they they've moved on and they've become more Americanized then their grandparents, right, but it doesn't matter. That's that we're gonna keep things as they used to be. The first thing I want to share with you is culture is a very powerful force. It's not an evil force, but it's a very powerful force. This is a habit you know, human beings have habits that form over time, we're talking about habits that have formed inside of a family over generations. So it's not something small, and
breaking away from that is not something easy. A lot is not gave us did not give us Islam, to destroy culture, or to get rid of culture. For some people, they have this wrong conception in their mind that Islam is against culture. That's absolutely incorrect. Allah azza wa jal did not come to eliminate different cultures. In fact, what Allah gave us in his in his teachings, and what he gave us in the legacy of his prophet some a lot more I do send them is a way to bring a lot of guidance to every culture, you can still dress how you like eat, how you like, you can still celebrate your festivities how you like but here's the haraam that you can remove from it. Here's the oppression
that you can remove for maybe some parts of our culture is oppressive. Maybe some parts of it is unfair. Maybe it wrongs people. So our religion came to remove parts of that culture that was wronging people and kept everything else. Just to give you a small example of even the time of the profits in the long run a certain part of their culture was having a daughter, it was embarrassing. If a girl was born in your household, it was like a while you're not man enough to have a son, you have a daughter, right? And when a person got news that the daughter was born in their household, they would get depressed. Lola what room was Swindon, wahoo or Colleen, you know, Allah describes,
it's like his face has a dark cloud overshadowing him. And he's swallowing his frustration. And he's avoiding eye contact with people. And that was an ignorant culture that used to have our profits on the lot more it was Adam gave us an instruction give us this good news. Any of you that have three daughters, and three, you know, three sisters, three sisters, and are good to them. That alone will guarantee them gender. And then somebody asked, How about two? How about one and he kept bringing the numbers down, Allah will give you agenda being meaning having a daughter having a sister is a ticket to heaven. He flipped that culture. He changed that culture. Even though that didn't work for
many Muslims. Even today. I remember when I had my second daughter. I went to a so happy I went to the masjid with a bunch of doughnuts. And I gave it to baby and somebody asked me some fellow I'm not going to name the country, but pretty much almost some countries are the same now. Right? asked me so what is it boy, right? I said the girl next time.
Right? Cuz it's not good news to have a daughter what what religion is this? This is exactly what our religion came to fix. But it's been 1400 years. And that that idea that sons are better is before Islam. It's from before Islam. But even though Islam came, and Islam is a powerful force, for some people, they could not let go of parts of their culture that came from before Islam. And even though they became Muslim, that part parts, some parts of that culture that doesn't go with his thumb remained. It stayed there, and it's still there. And it's carrying on. So you have a religion. And then you have parts of a culture that are completely opposite of our religion. And we have to
decide which of these is a more powerful force, which has more authority. Sometimes our culture has nothing to go there's nothing wrong between our culture in Islam. The way I'm dressed right now purposely is part of it is part of the culture I belong to. from different parts of the culture I belong to. There's nothing extra Islamic about that or an Islamic about that. Our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam on special occasions for example, he used to wear a turban on special occasions used to wear a turban. But you know what? Abu Jamal also wore a turban on special occasions. You know what Abu lahab also wore a turban on special occasions. the wearing of a turban or dressing
like the Arabs was not Islam that already existed before the profit was even born some a lot more I need to sell them, but there's nothing wrong with it. It's completely fine. So the prophets lie Selim keeps parts of the culture there's nothing wrong with that. But there are other parts of the culture
There's something wrong with it that has to be eliminated. Now, with that in mind, that's not the subject of my hope I've taken too long to bring his head introduction, maybe this, this subject will take a few 100 bucks to get get across. But in any case, I wanted to just take one part of this culture around the world as I travel or people write to me on social media, they email me they talk to me, one common problem that many people bring up many people bring up is, I can't get married. Men and women, I can't get married. And then you ask the simple question, why can't you get married? Well, my parents say I'm too young. Or my you know, now if it's a girl, well, now I can't get
married, because culturally, I'm too old. I'm past the expiration date. Or I did find someone I want to marry but she's from a different ethnicity, or he's from a different ethnicity. My parents won't accept it. Or they you know, they're not from the same economic class it could be from they're from the same country, or from the same country. They speak the same language, but unfortunately, they belong to the village next one, 110 miles over. Now, not those people. We can we can have our family be contaminated by those people. Okay, so it needs to be from within our own proximity. Or my parents decided a long time ago, who I'm going to marry even though I don't want to marry them, but
now they're like, telling me that I don't have a choice. These are just some or, you know, I'm divorced. And now nobody wants to because, you know, divorce is worse than like, you know, is worse than like the Coronavirus. You don't want to go near people that are divorced, because your kids might catch that virus don't even invite them to even gatherings. Because, you know, because they're, they're contaminated people, you know. And so we've created these values, these standards, or sometimes, you know, young man or woman comes out and says, I'm ready to get married, some families willing to marry. But my parents said you have an older brother, you have an older sister,
you have older siblings, they're not married yet until they're married. You need to sit tight, relax.
Now, these guidelines, these rules that we have in our families in our culture, none of these have to do anything with Islam. But what does the law say about getting a law allowing people to get married when they want to get married, and who they want to get married to Allah give us guidelines of who you can marry. And as parents, we have opinion, I want to start off very quickly with the only marriage as mentioned in the Quran, or at least one I want to highlight to you in the Quran. Musa alayhis salam accidentally killed someone. You people know this. He ran away from Egypt, the entire military and the cops were looking for him. And if they found him, they would have killed him
on the spot. He ran off into the desert. He found a couple of young women, he helped them because he was dehydrated, almost dead, but he helped them anyway. And when he helped them, he sat back down under the tree. Now these women used to work in a non Muslim society. All the men around them were perverts, and they noticed this man helped us and he didn't even stare at us. He wasn't indecent towards us. So they went they went back to their dad. They told him we've had a really good man. He said, Call him over. So then they came back. And they called one of them came back and called him over. And he told his entire story to the Father. He was now in Medina, Musa alayhis. Salaam is from
the children of Israel. Okay, so he's an Israelite. And he was in money in which is Arab land. He's an Arab land. So he's an, this is an Israelite, talking to the air. And he tells the air father, yeah, I used to live in Egypt, and I killed someone, and I'm a fugitive from the law. And I'm homeless right now. And this is my story. So here's it. Here's the list. I killed somebody. I'm homeless. And I don't know where they have no food to eat. And the dad listens to him and says, I think I should marry one of my daughters to you. How about how about you marry one of my girls? You can live here for 10 years, eight years, or 10? If you want.
And he said, Hold on. I don't think that my mom would be okay with that. Let me check with her first, let me just see if I can get in touch with her. No. He just showed me a good Do you know how many of beynac this is between you and me? It was completely fine. A lot hotter? Something? First of all, was it a marriage inside the ethnicity? No. Was it a marriage where the sun was ready, financially capable with an impressive resume before he got married? No. No, as a matter of fact, the resume didn't even include By the way, I'm a prophet of Allah. No, because that happened on the mountain many years later. He wasn't even a prophet yet. So the only thing on the resume is that I'm
honest, and I'm a good person. And I don't have a place to go. That's all he had on his resume. And a lot of describes how he got married. That's that's musasa and you know, culturally, by the way, culturally, it's really bad if you live with your in laws, isn't it? If a man lives with his mother in law father in law's like, what kind of man are you man and 10 years Masada Islam live with his father in law? 10 years. If anybody want to challenge his manhood, you're not mad enough to where you can live on your own. What's wrong with you?
You know, but we don't think like that. Now, that's not even my subject. Let's start the subject that the I wanted to discuss with you. Well, I listen to this carefully. These are laws words and the laws, words are above my culture and yours. They're above my family's expectations and yours. These are laws words, who knows better for us than we know for ourselves? He says to us as a community. Well, thank you, Mr. Lincoln. Get the unmarried among you married,
get the single people in your community married out. This means allow them to get married in meaning don't put bear don't put barriers in their place. Allow make something head on you and I don't get to make it hard on you. And I don't get to say no, not yet. If Allah has no problem with it, then you and I don't get to have a problem with it. You don't have to don't don't get to say no, no, finish your master's degree, and then your PhD and then by then become deeply depressed because you're alone and lonely. And that we'll see. Because by that time, you'll have psychological issues. And then we'll get you married to somebody so you can give them psychological issues. Okay, let's do
that. No, no, how about you stay in a university where you have to, you have to constantly guard your eyes from looking at harm. And there are the the opposite genders constantly coming at you all the time. And you're just a human being, you're going to be thrown in that temptation. But you know what, you're a good boy. So you stay in that environment for 678 10 years. And then when you've saved enough money, you bought a house, and you bought us one also, because you're also our bank. Then when we're done withdrawing enough from this bank, then you can go and get married because we don't want some girl coming into your life and taking all the money we were hoping for. We put a lot
of money into you, we need to get a refund first. We can't just let you get married. What is that? What's the matter? Can't control yourself? And then you're completely fine. Some families are completely fine if their sons or daughters are doing whatever, because if that's not a problem, it's okay. They're just young. But marriage no homies, okay. Hold on. No good. I've even heard parents say I have no problem if you want to have a girlfriend or boyfriend. But this marriage business you better stop. Really. So it's, I'm let me translate that for you. I'm perfectly okay. If you disagree Allah. But this during the Hello thing. Our culture is more important than that.
How dare we say the word of a lie is the highest. When we can even allow people any slave of Allah, that when something is held on for them, that includes our children, we don't own our children. They are a minor who was given from Allah. There's a mana to was given from Allah. And when they are asking for the right option, if that's not if their children, you, I'm not telling you, your 13 year old says I heard from this other one. And I think I'm ready. No, I'm not talking about that. I'm not talking Minnesota, I mean, come on ba for those of you that are capable, if you're making your own income, if you're independent. Now, if you're if you're at a certain point of maturity, and you're
If and that's not decided by your parents, because sometimes your parents you could be 40 years old and you're not ready.
You're not ready. Or you know, you can't like that one, we want you to like that one, you don't decide that. You don't decide that for someone, if they have made a decision and they want to marry somebody, then if it's if it's within the halaal. And we shouldn't put barriers in its place. And so it's sometimes it's ethnicity, sometimes it's their financial status. No, you're a doctor, you can only marry a doctor. Or this one's too old or this one's too young. Or you're you know, your older siblings or if you know what about you need to get to a certain place financially. Listen to the rest of this ayah This is remarkable. This was in Medina, right? And Medina was not a rich place. So
when we think about marriage, nowadays, we think about booking a hall catering, inviting people over from different parts of the continent, because if they don't come and dance at the wedding, then how is it even Halloween? Right? So then we have to, we have to do all of these 1000s of dollars of expenses, and you know, exorbitant amounts of, you know, unnecessarily expensive and has to be a big deal because everybody has to watch it. Of course, if you're not putting it on display for the world, then did it even happen.
You know, if you didn't make a scene out of it then didn't even occur. So all of these cultural expectations that put the young man and woman in financial debt and their families in financial debt before they even start their life, but that's our standard. That's we have to do that because they did it. And they did it. And they did it. And they did it.
And you know, Medina was a bankrupt place. It was a very poor place. You know, Allah says the answer. First of all, the Mahajan were homeless anyway, right? They left Makkah, they don't have a home. And the ones who gave them a home the answer what does Allah say about them? You know, and Fujimoto cannot be him. kasasa. They give others preference over themselves, even though they're dying of hunger. Meaning the sponsors are dying of hunger, not the refugees. The sponsors don't have enough food. That was Medina. And then the law says listen to this was solved
Mr. Eco, get your get your unmarried whether they're young or old, divorced, you know, they want to give them the space to get married, allow them, enable them, encourage them, help them to get married, and then take the good among your slaves, men and women meaning slave is though, you know, slavery existed at the time. And the servants were the lowest economic ebb of society, they don't have a home to their name, they don't have a property to their name, they have nothing. And Allah says even they should not go and marry. Even they should not go and make meaning Quran is teaching us your financial situation. Though it is important. If you create a culture where unless you are
financially in a certain place, only then you can get married, when you create that you are closing the door to head on and you're open closing doors and opening the door to her on wide open, wide open. And you know, you have to remember for shavon when he got to our parents agenda, every tree was held on and only one tree was held on and he was able to enough whisper to them to go to that one tree that was cut off right? And what are Muslims doing? Muslims are not going after that one tree that's haram Muslims are creating for themselves every tree that's how long I know. Every tree that's how I'm opening up and the trees are hollow. We're chopping them down for our own children,
for our own kids. This is not okay for us to do. This is a form of oppression. This is a this is creating chaos in society. Even if slaves were told in the Quran, give get allow them to get married. And then Allah says okay, well how can they people would ask how can slaves afford it? How are they even gonna afford to get married? Allah says these are the last words not mine. iya kunafa, Cora, Nicola homophobia, II, if they are bankrupt, Allah will give them from his own favor. Meaning This is more important than even when
getting married is even more important than money.
And then he says what was your best ally knows, he knows what he's talking about. He knows what he's talking about more than you and me. So when he says this is the right course of action, and he knows that he knows finances better than you and me. He knows psychology better than you and me. He knows sociology better than you and me. He knows the short term and the long term better than you and me when he gives us recommendation. Well, yesterday fillerina, Luigi de Monica Han, Patagonia Holloman for the next day, or those who are not able to find somebody to marry should try to hold themselves back as much as possible until Allah gives them the ability to do so if they impossibly can't find.
The problem is that that's not what I'm saying to you. If you can't find Be patient, everybody knows that already. But the reality of it is so many of our young men and women and older young, older men and women that are ready to get married, that can get married, that have had an option to get married, their doors are being closed, and unfortunately, they're being closed by Muslims, non Muslims. And that is really a big a big crisis of violating what Allah says in
this is what the law says in these IR By the way, this ayah right before it as I conclude now, right before it is the idea of women should guard their eyes and cover themselves and ventured guard their eyes, right before. So first of all, it says guard yourselves, and then even the law says you can't guard yourself forever.
Every desire love put inside the human being he gives them a hollow road. So he says guard yourselves as much as possible. But really your final security is going to be what marries itself. Let people get married. Let young people get married, let the olders get married. Let women get remarried. It's okay. This This was the culture of the Sahaba. Medina you you would think, you know and I talked about the financial realities of Medina. It wasn't just the financial realities. When you study the life in Medina before the Prophet move, there's a little larger and even after he moved there carefully, you find Medina had prostitution and Medina had opened Xena, Medina, it was a
crazy place. kalon came to clean up a pretty wild town. It was the Vegas of the time. It was not some normal town. I mean, you study the historical context of the city of Medina and its culture you'll be shocked. And Quran came to clean that up to and the Sahaba didn't know better. And this is why the Sahaba were being given these instructions. You know, and if you can't find someone and you want you, you know, in the 11 talked about those who can't afford to get married, what does he say to the community? He says at our home in Manila Hilah viata can
give them from the money Allah has given you a lot of money that he gave you. He doesn't say give them from your money. He says give them from a lot of money that he gave you so they can get married. So they can get this is a last call. Allah says his own wealth that he gave you is best used helping people get married.
That's what it's best used for at our home in Manila, Manila. Walla
Walla and don't force your young women into prostitution
That's what he says that
means rebellion also. And even though there was a, you know, prostitution problem back then there's another problem now, we are forcing our young men and women into sin.
You are you and I know what social media is like you. And I know what Snapchat and Instagram and we know what that's like, you know what temptations like? It's bombarding our youth in every single direction. And if there's one thing we want to, if we want to live this life and walk out of it and meet with a law successful, then we have to preserve the light of love put inside of us. And the best way to destroy that light is to let go of the heck out of a human being, and it's being attacked every single day. Anybody who has a mobile device, it's being attacked. That's the reality. If you have a mobile device that's connected to the internet, well, chavannes constantly got a hold
on you, you can have a quote on Apple on there, it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter, you can have Islamic YouTube videos doesn't matter. But cheban there are two
special, it's an extension of ourselves, and it's made temptation easier to follow. That's the reality of it. And in that environment, when you close the door to the head on, or you make it difficult, then the Haram is only one or two taps of a finger away, isn't it?
That's that's a harsh reality. And so what we should people shouldn't be stronger. If alive just said people should be stronger and they should wait. He would have said that he knows who he created. He gave these instructions that you and me. We don't have to consider ourselves stronger. Or consider ourselves more righteous than Allah made us now to the KU enforcer, calm.
Taka, don't declare yourself so self righteous. don't declare yourself so pure. He knows better who has taqwa or not. He knows our weaknesses. He spoke to us. He gave us these guidance guidelines, knowing our weaknesses, knowing our weaknesses, that's the key to understanding these IR is to first of all acknowledge that we are not above them. That allows where it is above our own personal pride. It's above our family. It's above our culture. It's above our preferences. First and foremost, we don't want to allow anybody to fall into sin in another country, inshallah we'll talk about maturity what let's let's dig further into this Hadith of the Prophet points on him when he says those of you
that are capable, because I don't want these words to be misused by Well, you know, there's a watch this video. And now let me get
well, are you capable? Are you because the Prophet said whoever among you is capable forget as a wedge when they should get married? So what is that? What is that that term that the Prophet use? And how does the Koran refer to that term? What are those qualities that we have to have? Maybe that conversation will happen in the next week? barakallahu li walakum Anika him when he
came in allows us to protect us and our children and our community from any form of technology and allow us to follow the path of hello and close the doors to the huddle.