The Secret To Becoming More Likeable
Channel: Navaid Aziz
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Bismillah al Rahman al Rahim Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa sallahu wa sallam methodical in the BNF Muhammad Allah Allah He was a big man in a Magog Allahumma Daraa in Medina in lemma number 10 Alpha nem nem a and foreigner one foreign nabina I lumped and that was it now nya Karim, my brothers and sisters as Salaam Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh.
So what I'm going to be presenting to you tonight is from this wonderful book by Sheikh McHale Smith called with the heart in mind, the moral and emotional intelligence of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. This book is divided into four main chapters, chapter number one is about alcohol, and the intellect in Islam. Chapter number two is about the emotional intelligence of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam. Chapter number three is about moral intelligence. And then chapter number four is about radical change over short periods of time. Now, we may not get a chance to discuss the relationship and the importance of chapter number three moral intelligence. But what we
want to take away is that if an individual only has emotional intelligence, it is very easy to become manipulative, it is very easy to become manipulative. And moral intelligence is required, in order for emotional intelligence to actually be used in a righteous and pious way, as the prophets of Allah, why they were seldom used. So with that being said, let's start off with the burden. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was chosen as the very last prophet sent to humanity. And every time I think about this, I cannot find down the burden that you live with, that you have a certain amount of time from the age of 40, till the age of 63, you have to basically provide enough content
to survive to the Day of Judgment. Everything you do will be monitored. Everything you need to convey needs, to be said needs to be acted upon. Whoever you need to mentor you needs to mentor along with doing your own personality by taking care of your family, being the mayor of the community, being the General of the Army, and laying out a strategic plan for survival, when everyone is out to get you. That is a really daunting tasks panela.
So when you look at this burden, you now understand, when the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam used to recite to this verse in Surah, Nisa that how will it be, when you are brought forth, as a witness against all of mankind, the Prophet sallallahu it was telling us to repeat this reverse, over and over and over again, and weep and weep and weep.
He was doing this, because he felt that burden. Now when you have such a short limited amount of time, as we know Islam is not just about logical proofs, you can provide logical proofs to people, it's not going to convince them. You can provide miraculous signs to people it will not convince them. And this is where if you look at this whole movement of the rationality of Islam and the scientific miracles of the Quran, Allah subhana wa Tada showed humanity, Miracle after miracle, from the time of Musa alayhis, Salam to the staff being turned into a serpent, to the sea being divided, those people still do not believe a sign that he Sudan was able to cure the sick by the will of
Allah subhanaw taala to bring the dead back to life by the will of Allah subhanho wa Taala these people did not believe the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam came with the Quran and the moon was split, these people did not believe at the end of the day, if there's no Tofik, from Allah subhanaw taala guidance is not going to have an impact on people. So now what else did the Prophet salallahu Salam need to do? He needed to develop deep relationships with the people that he cared for the most, so that they can continue his message, even after he passes away. And this is such an important lesson that I'll touch upon very, very quickly. The vast majority of people in this room
are under 40 100. And now, that means in sha Allah, you have very, very long lives to live ahead of you in sha Allah, huzzah, Anna, you will think of great genius ideas that are going to change the world. Along the way, you will get frustrated and you will wonder why are the results not coming right here right now. If you look at the state of the Muslim ummah, it reached its pinnacle, not in the life of the prophets of Allah while you're selling with regards to physical expansion, but many, many years after. So when you think about legacy, literally you plant the seeds, and you let Allah subhanaw taala grow that tree for you. But it doesn't mean you give up on that dream. It doesn't
mean you won't try your best. You do all of that. But don't get frustrated when you don't see the results because even the greatest man that walked on this earth didn't see the fruits of his labor.
until much later on after his passing Wade will not see it till the Day of Judgment. And that's perfectly okay. Because as long as we get that idea from Allah subhanaw taala, as long as we get entered into Jannah, that's all that counts at the end of the day. So now, when you look at intelligence, is intelligence, only one thing? Or are there multiple types of intelligence? And you actually have a theory called multiple intelligence theory that takes into consideration your IQ quotient, which is the standardized testing that people do. You have emotional intelligence, you have spiritual intelligence, intelligence, and there's multiple intelligence is that an individual
can have, and we have the statement by what we've known whenever he says that I've looked through the books, I've seen all of humanity till his time, you know, he's one of the great Imams of the stuff. And he says, the Prophet SAW Allah while he was sending without a shadow of a doubt was the most intelligent and human being. But intelligence is not defined by your ability to read and write because we know the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was unlettered. So how are we defining intelligence and we're we're defining intelligence, by the ability to make a drastic shift in the course of Humanity over a short period of time, by taking them out of darkness and bringing them
into light. And Keaton, you know, doing your best to make sure that they remain steadfast after you pass away. Because if we look at every major movement, how many of them, the vast majority of them will collapse and will die and will wither away once its founder and leader withers away, but we just discussed how Islam expanded and reached his full potential after the death of the Prophet salallahu idea was set up. So we see that there were multiple intelligences in play. And one of those intelligences is emotional intelligence. So what exactly is emotional intelligence? Emotional Intelligence is your ability to understand your emotional state, the emotional state of the person
you're dealing with, to reach a common goal in that relationship by developing a deeper, meaningful approach, using emotional strategy using emotional strategy. So that is what emotional intelligence is. So at its simplest level, you can stare at someone long enough with a smile, and they'll naturally start smiling back at you. You didn't ask them to smile, you didn't force them to smile, but the fact that you're smiling at them, they'll naturally respond with a smile. So this is an example of emotional intelligence. At its simplest level, you're using your understanding of your emotional state, these understand understanding of someone else's emotional state, you're doing
something to reach a common goal in that relationship. So what does success actually look like from an emotional intelligence level? We have this beautiful Hadith about whatever that is, and this is truly phenomenal. Subhanallah and this shows you the importance of having a moral compass, as you deal with people that I'm an Aussie comes to the Prophet sallallahu it was seldom, you know, all proud and all happy. And he asked the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam ya rasool Allah, who is the most beloved person to you, hoping that the cluster seller is going to say him, and if I was to sell Allahu alayhi wa sallam, what did he say? What did he say? He says I Shep, and then he's like, okay,
okay, okay, you know, obviously it's your wife, you have to mention your wife, you know, that is the right thing to do. So he says, yada so Allah, not from the women folk, but from the men who is the most beloved man to you. And still somehow someway manages to tie through Aisha he says her father and then you can imagine the justification he comes with you know, longtime friend he has a severe believed in him when no one else did all recently he has to love him. But you know what? I'm coming in number three. Okay, Allah so Allah So who's next? And you can imagine he goes through the list of Omar and Osman and Ali and Radi Allahu Anhu.
So Allah us, I'm not Nam this list. You know, let me say whatever face I have left, and I'll assume I'm just number 10th on the list somewhere there, right? Because they might keep asking you, my name is gonna come up. But what you take away from this is how do we make people feel when people are around us? How do we make them feel? What did the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam do with Armada Ross that made him feel like this, that he was the most beloved person to him.
And you will see it's not grandiose gestures of, you know, here's 100 camels, or here's, you know, 1000 dinar. It's the small subtle things. That whenever I meet you, I smile whenever I shake your hand. I'm the last one to let go. Whenever something happy happens. I'm just as happy
as you are, when as something sad happens, I'm just as sad as you are. Whenever you need help with something, I will go out of my way to help you even before you can ask. And that is the type of man the messenger of allah sallallahu it was send them once. And that is what I'm gonna do. Let us assume that if the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam is doing all of this for me, and it's not by accident, this is like learned behavior. And he said the most sincerest of people, clearly I have to be the most beloved. But little did he know that this was just one sign of greatness of the man who Muhammad Sallallahu I knew send them was. So now
when you look at the Prophet SAW Allah wa and he was salams demeanor. Allah subhana wa Tada tells us about his approach, Furby, Mao Rama 10 min Allah He lived to know that it was only by the mercy of Allah subhanho wa taala, that you were merciful with them, meaning that all of human interaction needs to be grounded in mercy. And this is why Allah subhanaw taala time and time again reminds us of His mercy. And he tells us our humble Manfredonia Your humble command for sama that'd be merciful and compassionate with the inhabitants of the earth and the one that is above the heavens will be merciful with you. So all human interaction needs to be grounded in mercy. Now, is there a place for
harshness? Is there a place where ANGER Yes, without a shadow of a doubt, but that isn't the default. That isn't the foundational ruling. The default is that we love and care for each other based upon mercy and compassion. And when you understand that, you will understand that that is when people will flee to you. But if you're hard hearted, and you're angry,
people will be repelled by you and they won't want to be around you. So the default state of all human interaction needs to revolve around mercy. Now, this is perhaps the most important point of the whole entire workshop. What is the framework that we're working with? When we talk about emotional intelligence? What is the theory and what is the framework that we want to work with? Is this idea inshallah Tober where Allah subhanaw taala he tells us Nakada Alcon Rasool omen and forsaken as he is on Allah Hema, and they don't have this on unencumbered movement in a row for Rahane. When you look at this verse, Allah subhanaw taala he says, a messenger has come to you from
among yourselves, your suffering, distresses him, most eager is he for your welfare, and full of kindness and mercy towards the believers? When Allah subhanaw taala tells us that there is come a messenger from amongst you. What is the benefit of this portion of the verse? A lot of times when you look at general Tafseer, they'll talk about how the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam spoke the language of his people. He dressed just like they dressed, he he just like they ate, he spoke just like he spoke, he interacted just like they interacted. And thus that commonality allowed him to develop deeper, meaningful relationships. But I believe there's something that often is not
looked at, do we develop deep meaningful relationships are the way we dress? Do we develop deep meaningful relationships over the food that we eat or the language that we speak? No, we don't. So what can we use as a common ground between us to develop those deep meaningful relationships? It is pain. And that is why if you look at the life of the Prophet salallahu idea was seldom, it is filled with pain and suffering, from the time that he is born. A few months later, or a little while after rather, his father passes away. A few years later, his mother passes away. He's in the care of his grandfather, he two passes away. He eventually gets married and has children and all of his children
will pass away in his lifetime.
He's in the care of his uncle. So beloved to him. Uncle does not accept Islam, and he two passes away, living in Makkah, at that time, his beloved companions, not only are they mocked and ridiculed, but they are persecuted and eventually killed as well. He arrives into Medina, and he establishes an alliance with the tribes there. They're managed to take care of him. They're meant to be loyal to him. There have the packs together that day to prove to be treacherous. We skip the old incident of five, the extended cousins that are meant to be his protectors, after his uncle passes away, they to pelt him and turn him away. And time and time again, all of this pain and all of the
suffering. What was the point behind it? We can say yes, the point behind it is that the prophets of Allah why they was salah,
It relies upon Allah subhanaw taala more. And that's great, that is an accurate answer. But there's more to this than meets the eye. And that is that when a person comes to the Prophet SAW Allah why they will see them and he says he or she will Allah,
my parents died as a non Muslim. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam can relate to that, a mother comes that she says the outer Salam, a child passed away, the Prophet salallahu it if someone can relate to that, there's an individual going through a divorce, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam can relate to that any pain that a human being can feel the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam has experienced it, and can relate to that person at the deepest possible level. So there has come to a messenger from amongst your own selves, he's felt the pain that all of you feel in all of your different functions in life. And that is why when you feel pain, it distresses him, because
he's felt that pain firsthand already. And when you can feel the pain of other people, you realize the importance of empathy. Because you realize how vulnerable you can be in such a state of pain. You realize how difficult it is to continue functioning when you're going through that pain. And that is why the province of Allah who I knew was salam had the deepest level of empathy with people, because he had already experienced it. And that was the common ground that allowed him to establish such deep, meaningful relationships. Now pain is not always going to be physical. Pain is not even always going to be emotional. How about the psychological pain that people go through, trying to
figure out meaning and life, their purpose in life? That is what the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam came with in Islam, to grant people peace, that you are here on this planet to worship your crit? How much peace does that bring you that you don't have to figure it out for yourself, so you don't have to read one philosophy book to the next to go searching for the stars to go searching for different religions. Allah subhanaw taala has told you your purpose of existence and that vets do we appreciate that peace of mind. So all of those various pains the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam came to eliminate, and then he wants that which is best for you. So it wasn't enough that the
Prophet SAW Allah while he was selling would help you work through your different paints. But at the end of the day, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam wanted you to get the agenda.
He wanted you to get the agenda. And this is why it's so phenomenal that a man that has never met us, he is granted one dua that is guaranteed to be accepted. It's not okay, save us from the persecution of Quraysh. or Allah save us from famine and drought. It wasn't any of that. It was make things easy for my own ma on the day that they needed the most on the Day of Judgment. So not only did he teach us everything that we need to know, to get to Jannah but when he was given that opportunity to supplicate and to pray for anything, he prayed for us. He wanted what was best for us. And then last but not least, he is merciful, unkind towards the believers. When you establish
deep, meaningful relationships with people, it is inevitable that they will disappoint you. It is inevitable that they will make mistakes and they will fall short. And at that time, it's very easy to cut people off. It's very easy to say you know what I did my job, you go on your wave. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa salam teaches us that it is better to interact with people and to be patient than to withdraw yourself and isolate yourself. And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam continued to do this, that even as the Bedouins called him out, in the most harshest of circumstances and ways. When he was busy with his family, he still continued to interact, he still
continued to teach, he still continued to educate. Why, because he knew that this was his role as a prophet and messenger. So let us break this framework down in a more simplistic manner. Learn to relate to people, based upon the pains that you have amongst yourselves that are mutual. And that is how you will develop deep connections with them. Be empathetic towards them, and try to understand why they're acting the way that they're acting based upon the fate of the pain that they've experienced. Now, it's not enough just to feel their pain, but you also have to want what is best for people so genuinely, sincerely inside of yourself. You have to shift your mindset that whoever I
come across, I want what's best for them. I'm not going to come across an individual except that I will find somehow some way to improve their lives. And this is what the prophets of Allah why they were selling
except that he always found a way to make people's lives better and easier. And then last but not least, that once we have this deep meaningful relationship, people are going to make mistakes and want to fall short.
And then it is that time that I need to show the greatest amount of mercy and the greatest amount of compassion. And this is the Prophetic framework for emotional intelligence. This is how the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam won the loyalty of his companions. So if you look at, you know, what?
How do you get an individual to say, Man, my life be sacrificed for your messenger of Allah? How do you get an individual to say, my parents will be sacrificed for your messenger of Allah? This framework is an attempt to answer that question. Now, the challenge of this approach, in theory, it sounds great, right? We can all change the world. We connect with people, we empathize with people, we try to benefit them. And when they make mistakes, we're merciful and compassionate. We should have their loyalty. It sounds so simple. But let's look at what the challenge comes with. Seldom do people possess the emotional bandwidth to handle their own problems and worries, let alone those of
others, we naturally avoid pain. For the reason many people shy away from emotional investment in others altogether. Meaning I have enough problems in my life, man, I gotta go to school, I gotta get a job. I got to take care of my wife, I got to take care of my kids, I need to buy a house, I need to buy a car, I need to put food on the table. I need to take care of my parents, I need to pray five times a day. Like I'm so busy taking care of myself dealing with my own problems. How can I make time for you? Like why would you even consider yourself a priority in my life. And it is that sort of questioning that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam never entertained, I will do what
I'm capable of. At the highest possible level. I may not be able to do everything, but I'll do whatever I can. And his loyalty to people. One, their loyalty to him. So now, it is inevitable that we're all going to have problems in life. Every phase of life is filled with challenges. But with every challenge, as we know comes opportunity. I want you to think about where does the Agile lie? Does the Agile lie in me just you know, staying afloat? And try to get by with my own life? Or does the Agile lie and helping other people? And this is something that we don't remind ourselves enough of the answer lies in helping other people played on this unfair homeliness, that the best of people
are those that are most beneficial. It is more beloved to me to be with my brother in his time of need, didn't make it to caffeine, my masjid, the words of the prophets of Allah who it was solo. So if you're looking for urgent, yes, you have to have your own person that you Bada, that is your source of strength, not your key to success. Your key to success will be in helping others and being there for others. And when you do that, that is how movements are started. Be loyal to the people sincerely and genuinely. And the people will be loyal to you. But you have to develop that mindset that I can't get bogged down in my own problems. Yes, pain sucks. Pain is terrible. But at the end
of the day, once you learn to embrace it and accept it, and you learn to live with it, you also learn how to navigate through it. And this is why Allah subhanho wa Taala he tells us a hussy by natural neutral acquire Kulu Amanda home life to know this mankind thing that they will be left to say we believe and not be tested. One of the beautiful lessons from this verse is that trials catch you off guard, because you're not expecting them. You're expecting a life of comfort. You're expecting a life of luxury, you're expecting a life of prosperity. But then all of a sudden, something goes wrong. And you're like, Man, I don't know if I can function anymore. Sort of like the
young child. No loves his crayons loves her crayons. The crayon breaks sibling takes the crayon, their world collapses, it falls apart. You think like, you know Korea was established on the child. But the question is, what is your crayon? What is that thing in your life that it was taken away? It would cripple you? Now if you recognize the thing that will cripple you if it's taken away? You understand from now that you're overly attached to something in this dunya you're meant to be more attached to the one that gave you that thing than that thing itself. And if you can prepare yourself psychologically and emotionally, for those trials, nothing will ever cripple you. And that is why
nothing crippled the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam were death sabotage
harsh treachery, betrayal. All of that happened. And he's still moved forward, because he knew it was a part of life. Now, let's look at this case study. Let's look at this case study. A young man came to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and he said O Messenger of Allah gave me permission to commit adultery. The people turned to rebuke him, and said, sit down.
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, Come here, the young man came close, and he told him, would you like that for your mother? The man said no, by Allah may be sacrificed for you. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, Neither would people like it for their mothers. So would you like it for your daughter? The man said no, by Allah. Would you like it for your sister? No, by Allah. He asked him over and over, would you like it for your answer? He said No, by Allah. And eventually the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam places his hand on this young man's chest. And he says, Oh Allah, forgive his sins, purify his heart, and gorgeous chastity. After that, the young man
was never inclined to anything sinful. And now they're nourished and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said to him, then hate what Allah has hated, and love for your brother, what you love for your self?
How do we treat people that are on the fringes of society?
How do we treat people that have no political and social clout?
We have a young man that came to a gathering just like this with the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa salam. And you can imagine he's answering people's questions. So he asks you out of Sula give me permission to commit Zina. Now bring that to our time. I think once you let the water cola this community is very fortunate to have the likes of Sheikh worthy that she had come out and then Sheikh Omar and the other machines that are here that are in tune with the communities that they live in. MashAllah Tabata Kala, but think about your traditional masjid, where you will have this immigrant Imam recently came, is used to a very conservative society of practicing Muslims from his country
that he used to cater to. And now he's come to America. And now this young man comes. And you can imagine what he may look like. Right? Perhaps he has tattoos. Perhaps he has the in the earring. Perhaps, you know, he has a weird haircut. He's dressed all weird. And he says chef, can I get permission to commit Zina? What would happen to the machine at that time? What would the chef react to it?
Now this shows us something very, very important. The level of comfort that the Sahaba or the Allahu Tada on him had with the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam that there was nothing taboo. I wanted to learn something I would ask. And there's no shame in that. I didn't need to shy away. I didn't need to walk on eggshells. I just asked him as it was, yes, you be respectful. But you can ask anything, because you would wouldn't fear judgment. And that preceded the Prophet SAW Allah while he was on his reputation. So this young man comes. Now how do the people react? They reacted what I'm describing, get out of here, how could you ask this question? So in appropriate, be quiet and sit
down? Yet what is the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa salam do the exact opposite as people are repelling him, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is saying Come closer. So people that are on the fringes of society, they are the ones that are being pushed out, the process of them would focus on bringing them even closer, while society would turn them away. And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam gives him undivided attention. And it's very fascinating over here that the promises sell them, he could have told him, the Zina is haram stay away from it. I am the messenger of Allah, and of discussion. And that would be the end of the discussion. But I want you to look at the prophets
of Allah. While they were still made a very quick calculation. How can I convince this man? What can I do to make sure that he never forgets this interaction that I have with him? So every young boy will love their mother to the Infinium infinity degree. So he asked him would you like this for your mother? And the man's ticking back stuff for Allah? Are all they'll be love? No way. I would never like that for your mother. Okay, how about for your daughter? How about for your sister? How about for your at time and time again? He asked him would you like you for any of your female relatives? He's like, No. And he's trying to get it in his mind that this is someone else's mother, someone
else's sister so one else's daughter, someone else's aunt. And it is your responsibility that just like you wouldn't want it for your female relatives. You can't want it for them either. And this stuck with the men
and it still wasn't enough for the messenger of allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam that he answered his question isn't the job over? Like I've conveyed the message. It's up to him what he does now. Yet the province of Allah while he was still on takes it a step.
Further, he puts his hand on his chest. What is the value of putting his hand on his chest?
You'll notice physical touch has a huge impact on people. When people are scared when people are sad when people are crying, why do we give them hugs? Why do we make them feel safe by surrounding them and being close with them? Because physical touch has that power. And as people are repelling him and turning this man away, the prophets of Allah Azza wa sallam is telling this man that I am here for you. But what's also really fascinating is that, you know, when you have these thoughts, you may think that you are impure, that you're not worthy of being touched by the messenger of allah sallallahu. It was Silla, the messenger of allah sallallahu alayhi salam counters that thought that
you are pure because you are a believer.
And he takes it even further. Now he prays for him. Can you think of a more comprehensive prayer that a young man would need in that state? That Oh ALLAH forgive his sin? Oh Allah, purify his heart, oh Allah preserve his chastity. The most comprehensive dua that this man could ever need was made for him at that point. And this shows us that often times, you may not be able to physically change people's circumstances, but that shouldn't prevent you to from not making the offer them. It's easy to make dua for people, particularly for their circumstances. Right? Always make dua for ease, and always make dua for baraka for people. These two things, they can change people's lives.
So whatever their circumstance is, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam made dua for him. And he taught the Sahaba the Allahu unknown at that time, that if you want people's loyalty, think about the people that we would normally push away. Those are the people that you need to bring in. Think about the way we approach them the way we talk to them the way we logically interact with them the way we pray for them and supplicate for them, the way we make them feel valued and cherished, and loved and appreciated, and a part of our community. And that is what the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam successfully did in this case. So now, what do relationships require? They require sincere
empathy, that I empathize with you, not for the sake of wanting something from you, not for the sake of benefiting from your company. But I empathize with you because it is the correct human brotherly sisterly thing to do. You're feeling pain, I feel pain. We both love Allah subhana wa Tada. Let us help each other through this pain. Number two, proceed perceptive, emotional understanding.
What is the difference between emotional awareness and emotional understanding? emotional awareness is to see that someone is frowning so that they might that they must be sad. That is emotional awareness, the ability to see people's states and to understand what emotion they are feeling. Emotional understanding is to understand the causes behind that emotion. Emotional understanding is much, much deeper than emotional awareness. Everyone has some degree of emotional awareness. Very few people will have emotional understanding.
We have, you know, multiple examples from the life of the prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. But one of the most beloved of them to me, is the story of Abu Ahmed. Abu Ahmed is this young toddler, He is the younger brother of andasibe nomadic. And one day on the ship, the Maliki comes to the prophesy Saddam. He's all sad and depressed. And it also shows the emotional awareness that you know what he said and depression is not usually like this a kid that age should not be depressed what's going on here? So he asks him what's wrong? And this shows us that sometimes you may not have the emotional understanding to figure out what's happening. But when you ask, asking the right way, and
people will tell you, so the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam kneels down, and he holds him by the shoulder, and he asks him what's wrong? Like why are you sad today? And he says, The out of Silla, my brother has this young bird, and this bird passed away and he's crying as heilala This is like one of them was sweetest innocent moments. Like in all the sila, you have like an eight to 10 year old concerned about his younger brother, you know to two year old and if I was sal Allahu it was said he wants to make this young kids day better. So he says let us go visit your brother. And if I was sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and Anna's
Go and visit this young toddler, you know, two to four years old. And the Prophet sallallahu. I they were sending me asks him Yeah, but oh man, Martha, that new date that oh boy, man, what did the birds do like what happened to the bird? And he imagined this young toddler, when broken words to the best of their really understanding what has happened, trying to tell the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam yada, so Allah, the bird died. I love this bird dearly, it was my best friend. And it's never coming back.
And subhanAllah this shows you the type of man deposit. So that was that again, you can imagine the 1000 things going through his mind the tour the chores and tasks he needs to do with the things he needs to take care of in the community. Yet he found time to go and look after the emotional state of this young toddler. Why? Because he valued the relationship of unasyn Abdulmalik, he valued who undisciplined Malik was, and if this was a distressing him, he will go out of his way to take away that which was distressing him,
and profound emotional investment. And that ties into this very concept, that it's not enough to understand where people's pain is coming from,
what are you going to do about it? How are you going to help them fix it, sometimes it's just about them expressing it and venting. At other times, they're so emotionally flooded and overwhelmed, that they can't think of a solution. And you need to help them process their emotions, so that they can come up with a solution. At other times, they're just completely overwhelmed the avenues solutions. So now you need to go do your research, and won't provide them the solution. But you're not going to do that. If you think you know what I have my own problems to deal with, I don't have time for yours. You have to develop this mindset that whenever I am able to help, I will help and I will be
emotionally invested. So every relationship requires that sincere empathy, perceptive emotional understanding, and profound emotional investment going above and beyond what people would actually think would be given to them, right, going above and beyond what people would actually even do for you. And this is why sincerity is of the utmost importance. As human beings, we're very interactional you do this for me, I will do this for you. You showed me kindness, I will show you kindness. But at some level, when people don't deliver you get deeply hurt. How do you protect yourself from deep hurt by not being interactional? You live for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala.
And when you do things for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala, you will never be disappointed. So now understanding communication, we may think that communication is all about the language that we use, right? The ability to articulate your thoughts and your feelings. That is what communication is. But that couldn't be further from the truth. Right? We see that facial expression is 55% of communication. Tone and expression is 38% of communication. And then 7% is verbal.
And it's paella. I think a lot of this really kicks in when you get married. Right? So husband comes home wife is clearly upset. Husband asks Honey, what's wrong? wife says nothing. Right? We've all been there. We've all experienced that. Now, do you take this literally? Is nothing really wrong? Of course not. If the man thinks that Colossi is in trouble, right. But the point being, pay attention to her tone as well. You're gonna clearly tell it to her throat through her tone, that something is wrong.
Pay attention to her body language, pay attention to her facial expressions. And you don't even need to ask us something wrong, you can automatically ask, Hey, what's wrong? What's bothering you? Right? Have you created a safe space where people can share their vulnerabilities quickly. And oftentimes people don't share their vulnerabilities or what's bothering them. Because they fear judgment, they fear of judgment. They feel I don't want to be petty in front of this person. But they're willing to be petty in front of their friends, because they're not fearing judgment from them, whereas they may fear it from their spouse. So we need to work on creating those safe spaces
where we can be vulnerable, don't fear judgment, and we can express ourselves, truly. So now understanding communication is also understanding that it has very little to do with the words that we say, our body language, our tone, our expression, will go much further than the words that we say. And that is why suppiah Allah, Allah subhanaw taala created us in such a miraculous way that our bodies are not created to lie. Everyone will have some sort of tell when they're like, their tone will change usually becomes high pitched if they're trying to recollect a memory but it's a false memory. That actually didn't happen. The eyes look a certain way when it's true and they look
another way when it's not true. When a person is lying, they'll avoid eye contact with you. Right so the body was not created to lie it wasn't created to be deceptive.
Eventually, over time, you can learn all these techniques to be manipulative and deceptive. But the body that's on this fifth law wasn't created to do that. Now, if you understand communication, you need to understand that not everyone knows how to articulate themselves. And if you're expecting people to articulate themselves, know that you're setting up your relationship for failure.
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was walking by a camel. And you can imagine 1000s of people walking by this camel in the marketplace or on the farm.
Yet no one stopped for this camel.
Or perhaps the camel saw something in the private side of love. It was so dumb, and recognize that this seems to be an empathetic man. So perhaps if I shout out and scream in a certain way, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam will come towards me. And that is exactly what happened. And the camel expresses to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam that its master overworks him and doesn't give him enough breaks, and perhaps doesn't give him enough food and doesn't give him enough water and doesn't give him enough shade. Whatever the case may be, is going through this immense amount of pain. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he says something so profound over here. He says,
Fear Allah with regards to those that cannot articulate to themselves. Allahu Akbar. So now you see a young child crying?
Not our child, our reaction is get this child out of the Masjid.
But did we stop to think about what is actually causing this child pain? Where's the emotional understanding, right? Perhaps if we take away what's causing this child pain, then perhaps this child will no longer be crying. The solution shouldn't be to shoo people away, the solution should be let me focus on my emotional understanding. Let me try to see what's bothering this child. And let's try to get this child to stop crying, as opposed to the shooing it away.
Now what this does is, if you understand fear Allah with regards to those that can articulate themselves. This is a complete game changer for our day and age. People are emotionally stunted. People have lived through trauma, people have lived through bad parenting. People have lived through experiences in life, that no longer allow them to express certain emotions in the correct way.
So now when you see a person reacting in such a way, you have a choice to make. You can throw them away, cut them off, create dissonance amongst yourself. Or you can try to use some of these techniques that we're exploring of emotional awareness. Clearly something is wrong. The normative state is not for a person to cry, or to raise their voice or to shout and scream or to be vulgar and obscene. There has to be something else. Okay. I can't figure it out. Let me try to ask this person that question. The story of Andrew Nicholas. This is a story mentioned, in Aesop's Fables. You can consider Greek Roman mythology, that there was a slave that ran away from his master. And as this
slave ran away, a lion had come in to the city or the village that they were living in. And this lie in there was just tearing things apart, tearing houses apart, attacking people, and just shouting and screaming and scaring everyone away.
And as people fled for their lives and dry, callous, he couldn't go back because he would have ran to his people. So he's like, Okay, let me get closer to the line. And as he gets closer to the lie, and he notices that there's a thorn in the paw of the lion, and that's why the cat or the lion is going is upset and, you know, expressing himself being upset. So and Dracula's takes the thorn out of the lion, and he flees.
And now he's looking for refuge, he comes across this cave. And while he's in this cave, the lion comes in with its meat. And the lion shares the meat with and dry, colorless. And this story continuously that for some days, till eventually both and dry colorless and the lion are captured, the Andhra and reckless is captured for running away from his master, the lion is captured for you know, destroying the village and the king of the village or the society he decides, you know what? We'll just throw and drag Gillis to the lion and the lion will eat him alive and this will be the end of the story and we'll kill the lion thereafter. But they notice that the same line that was
attacking the village and attacking everyone else is now defending and reckless, right? Anytime someone will come in and close the line or you know, get all braver
ferocious and try to scare that person away in order to defend and dry callous. The lesson from the story that we wanted to derive over years, the lion was not able to express itself. He had to go and explore what was wrong, fix what was wrong, and he won the lions loyalty. Similarly, in our lives, there's going to be multiple people that cannot express themselves. This can be a young child that doesn't know how to speak yet. This can be an elderly person that knows something is wrong, but they don't know how to express what they're feeling or the pain that they're feeling. And it could even be us, within our contemporaries due to the various issues that we may have, from trauma to bad
parenting to everything else in between. So now what do we do about that? Have the emotional awareness, develop emotional understanding, be merciful, kind and compassionate with people and help them help you to figure out what they're actually experiencing? We spoke about emotional awareness and understanding emotional awareness is simply one's ability to see or perceive emotional shifts, whereas emotional understanding is one's ability to understand the forces behind those shifts. Now let's look at the various pitfalls. There is a high price to pay for ignoring our own emotional states. Meaning that if we keep bottling up our own emotions, if we don't process the incidents that
happen in our lives that cause us to feel those various emotions, there's going to be a very high price to pay, feelings and desires that have not been acknowledged and examined will continue to haunt us and affect our behavior until we face them and deal with them appropriately. By ignoring our emotions, we slowly develop a lack of familiarity with ourselves. And this lack of familiarity leads to avoiding moments of inner reflection and contemplation. We feel awkward when we are alone. Just as one feels awkward in the presence of a stranger, we have effectively become strangers to our selves. Why do we have this constant need to be on our phone? Why do we have this constant need to
be entertained and engaged when says of some sort of entertainment? Because a lot of it stems from us being uncomfortable with ourselves and our own thoughts. And that stems from we have incidents that have happened in our lives, that we haven't dealt with emotions that we feel that we haven't processed. And when that happens, you will be a stranger to your own self. So when you start having emotional awareness, particularly for yourself, Why am I acting the way that I'm acting? Okay, perhaps, you know, when I was a child, we had this car accident. And you know what, we never spoke about that. We never spoke about how afraid I got, we never spoke about me seeing my mother get
injured. I felt so vulnerable at that time that what if she dies, and we've never really processed that. So every time now we see some sort of car accident. I just become really, really afraid. Anytime you know, there's a heartbreak in the car, I get really, really afraid. So you have to deal with those emotions and deal with those incidents. Pitfall number two, we should never be overconfident. That the burdens we placed on others are within their capacity, simply because they do not say anything. Rather, we must fear Allah regarding those who cannot speak. In relationships, we will set expectations. The wife has to clean the house, take care of the kids look well groomed
and maintained. Cook for me like nada, like a three star meal that has to be like a five star meal. She has to love my parents, she has to do my laundry. She has to have a good education. She has to be successful in her career. And she has to live up to all of these standards.
Are we setting up our relationship for failure? Yes, without a shout of word adult, we're putting a burden upon someone that they cannot be or it's not realistic. Now, if we understand that, bring it down a notch. We will have expectations of communication in a relationship. And when people don't get me to that we get angry. The wife gets angry at the husband, why can't you just talk about your problems? Why can you just tell me what's wrong?
The husband was never in a safe space to begin with where he was taught how to express the emotion. That was not what his childhood was like. That's not what he saw from his own parents. That's not what his upbringing was like. You're placing a burden on the husband and now that he is not ready to carry he hasn't been trained to carry. So are you setting up your relationship for failure or for success? It's always important to look at that how do we treat people when they're unable to articulate what they are feeling and going through? So we need to fear Allah with regards to them. Number three, as actions become automated, we no longer remain mindful of them with the loss of
Unless there's also a loss of intent and deliberation, it's sort of like washing the dishes. You know how when you're washing dishes, you can completely zone out. And just by the end of you going through your thoughts Subhanallah The dishes are washed. It's okay when that happens, because you don't really need to be mindful while washing the dishes. But bring that to something like Silla.
Why is it that after Salah is finished, we don't feel spiritually rejuvenated at that time. Isn't that Salam meant to bring you closer to Allah subhanho wa Taala is because we're not mindful in the Salah. It's just a rotation of actions that we repeat, and we expect to be rejuvenated. But we cannot expect rejuvenation. If there's no mindfulness, no bling, you bring that to your personal relationships. What are you investing in your relationship? What are you communicating in your relationship? How are you setting your spouse up for success? Right? All of these things need to be looked at.
Now, small son does that make a big difference in human interaction? Things like smiling, when you shake hands with someone be the last one to let go? speaking slowly, clearly, and regularly repeat things. So if someone has an auditory challenge, you're helping them. If someone doesn't speak English as a first language, you're making things easier for them. If someone is distracted by something else, you're helping them. Always express gratitude. People love to be appreciated. When you hold the door, and someone says thank you, why do we feel so good about it? Because we don't get enough appreciation in our lives. Call it Yamato forsale Allahu Allah daco. Go ahead and act for
surely Allah subhanho wa Taala sees what you're doing. Always be the first to apologize. You know, I shared this in my quote, but today, you will always have to ask yourself, what is more important to me my ego or my relationship? Because you will not be able to keep both of them. And you have to value our relationships more than your ego. So that means you apologize first when you do something wrong. And you're also willing to apologize even when it wasn't your fault, not always, but be willing to in those circumstances, making dua for others being there for others, and always forgiving. Right? You know, Mr. Muhammad Rahim Allah, he was asked, Is it true that nine tenths of
good character is overlooking people's faults? And he said, Rather, it is all of good character. All of good character is forgiving people and overlooking their faults. Now, how about even after all of this, you're emotionally aware, you've developed emotional understanding, you've dealt through your traumas, you know, you're emotionally optimized to now. But even after all of that, your relationship isn't where you want it to be. A plethora of recent studies now suggest that the foundation for emotional capacities like emotional management, emotional flexibility, and emotional understanding is laid primarily in early childhood, in emotionally unintelligent adult, is often the
result and victim of emotionally unintelligent parenting methods. This is sort of like how know how they sat down from the other Eisah not just a regular prophet, but from the elite of the prophets. His own Son was a disbeliever. This the example of loot Allah He Salam, where his own wife was a disbeliever. This is an example of Ibrahim Allah He said, his own father was a disbeliever. Was there anything wrong in the Dawa, that they were doing? Was there anything wrong in them as a sibling, or a son? Or a parent? No, or a spouse? No, there wasn't. At the end of the day, what John about the body and fitness and chose to be alone, we've created relationships as a trial for people.
You just have to be patient with them.
Now, resources, we have this amazing book by Sheikh Miguel Smith, if you haven't gotten it already, I would highly encourage it. It is a great activity as a community to start up a book club with this book. You know, every week you read a chapter you discuss, you document your journal, you'll go really, really far.
And I would never toot my own horn. I actually believe that's unethical. But I have not found anyone else explain this book. Even she can make Ellen Smith himself I feel the whole lot, which is a whole lot later on. He hasn't taken the time to explain the book chapter by chapter. When my father passed away Rahimullah. The very next week, I started to explain this book to my community, and that was a part of my grieving process, and hamdulillah it helped drastically. But it also created something very, very unique, that if you're looking for a discussion on this book, and to you know, filter out your own thoughts and process your own thoughts with regards to the things that you're reading.
There's also a four part YouTube series that I've done on my mustards YouTube channel.
that you can check out to bid in the heater either will lock with either Adam was still along with send them about a gun at the end of Muhammad while he was so happy ah man and even though they've said that is correct is from Allah subhanaw taala alone and in that I've said that is incorrect is from myself and shaytaan and we seek forgiveness from Allah subhanho wa Taala