Naima B. Robert – Keys to Effective Communication Coaches Nyla & Fatimah
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AI: Transcript ©
Guys. Welcome to session 4 of our secrets
of successful Muslim wives. I wanna say a
huge thank you to our coaches, Naila and
Fatima,
from outstanding personal relationships.
You guys met them in virtual salon yesterday.
They are cowwives. They are mothers. They are
daughters. They are teachers. They are coaches. And
they are here to talk to us today
about effective
communication.
So before we get started, guys, remember
that you can
please do comment throughout the session.
Those of you in the VIP room, the
coaches can see your comments in the chat.
They can see your questions directly in the
chat. If we have time, we will open
up q and a for everybody else who
is in Facebook. But I just want to
thank you, Naila and Fatima, for being here.
I want to thank our
lovely patrons who are supporting us every month
to keep doing this. And everybody who bought
a ticket to this event, may Allah bless
you and make it, weigh heavily in your
scales.
And Thank you. With that being said,
ladies, Bismillah, take it away.
I'm gonna make you hosts now. Okay.
Just for clarification.
So
I'm Fatima. Coach Fatima. I'm Nilo or Nilo.
And I'm actually setting
my
timer late. Now I wanna make sure I
kinda stay on point.
So give us a sec.
Takeover happens if And I want her to
what?
Okay. So oh my god. Nyla, coach Nyla,
of course.
Fatima coach. Fatima.
Co life's cofounders of outstanding personal relationships
and personal relationships.
So yeah. And, we are
marriage coaches, relationship coaches.
Yes. And,
of course, we are not anti monogamy. We
close this in that too. We're just promos.
Right. So then we're gonna.
That's what's
We're talking about. So yes. And, I'm gonna
share a screen because we do have a
have a presentation.
And our presentation is can we talk,
secrets to effective communication
and how to communicate.
There we are.
Okay. I don't know why it's doing that.
But yeah. So
so, yes, effective communication for outstanding relationships
and monogamy
and polygyny.
And I am going to
get us on
presentation mode, on slideshow mode.
Okay. Here we go.
So, yes,
we're, of course, gonna get into a little
bit about ourselves for the most part, you
know, because we are not, you know, we're
not harvesting
that everybody know who we are. Right? We
are not famous. So
you know
that. So, yes, of course, as we stated
before, co wives, co founders of outstanding personal
relationships,
with our husband, coach Nadir.
So, yes, not just us. So when you
guys happen to go to outstanding personal relationships,
that guy that's on the page That guy.
That guy. That's our husband.
So yes. And coach Fatima? Yeah. Tell you
a little bit more about herself. Well, we,
you know, we kinda make a difference between
who we are because we get confused a
lot, and we get switched up a lot.
So I'm coach Fatima.
I've been married to coach Nadia for 24
years. 25, girl. 25. I meant to put
you on 5. Some said no, queen. That
was so great. And I know it's 25
because I sent them a 25 year anniversary
thing. And I'm thinking get out. It wasn't
messed up on the keyboard. I'm just blanking
my my brain. I'm glad she worked today.
Okay.
I digress. We've been married 25 years,
7 children. I have 2 incredible bonus babies.
Our children range from 25,
soon to be 25 next month, all the
way down to 8 years old. And then
I have 5,
bonus babies that,
I just love so much. Like, they're my
own. I've, you know, I've worked in this
industry for many years,
along with my cowwife. Before I had a
coagul, I was coaching women
through organization and interior design and art.
So
I let my cowwife
induce herself. Hey. That's gonna get cute. I'm
like, oh, Okay.
Yes. No. Coach Nyla. I'm a say that
a lot, most likely. And it's crazy because
let me just real quick why I actually
say Nyla, coach Nyla, because people like, why
do you do that? Okay. So it's yeah.
Like, you don't know, you know, you don't
know what to say. No. I actually got
something off of,
it's a a group that I used to
listen to.
Which one? No. Aegis. Because, yeah, I'm leaving.
Yeah. Andre or Andre 3000.
Yeah. My name is Andre Benjamin Andre to
be exact. So that in my mind always
I was it stuck with me. So I'm
like, I'm Tyler. I'm coach Tyler to be
exact. Because just like my co wife, I've
coached,
my gosh, forever. You know? I've been coaching
forever.
And I coach,
before we got into OPR, I was in
a personal relationships.
I was coaching women,
on health and wellness,
self esteem, natural beauty, all of that other
good stuff. Still do that, but kind of
migrated it or married it or, you know,
put it together and merged it Yeah. Into,
outstanding personal relationships. So yeah. So you see
a lot of the personal development
still
in the coaching that we do,
in addition to
the relationship coaching. So, married 10 years,
2 coaches out there. I was married before
then, like, coach Fatima said, my co wife
said I was married before,
that, you know, we were in monogamy before.
I was in monogamy before. I entered into
polygyny.
So I'm
married, divorcee,
and married in polygyny. Or divorcee, divorcee, whatever.
I was like, I used to say divorcee,
divorcee. I don't know which word it is,
but that's what I was. And,
I have 5 children,
biological children, 7 bonus babies that I am
totally,
totally in awe with and in love with.
So yes. And these are different things that
we've done.
Some of the things that we've done on
the many things that you guys will check
out and can see on the website.
Was it wow.
When was that we just did the Muslim
influencer summit. That was, like, earlier, a couple
months ago, a few months ago. We did
the Muslim influencer summit.
Incredible summit. Now the people liked it so
much. We created it and, into a turned
it into an online course.
We just finished up our True Queens online
course. So that's, of course, just for,
you know, our women, you know, the true
queens that we are.
And we have our podcast,
the candid co wide conversations
Where? Where we talk about all things through
the eyes of the co wise.
And, of course, you know, we have our
hundreds of hours of YouTube videos and
all that other good stuff. So, yeah, you
can definitely
find us and check us out. So those
are the things.
Just a little bit, a little snippet about
us.
So what we'll cover today
in this training
I'm not trying to take up too much
time, but we will cover what does effective
communication What does that look like? You know,
our the peace model for effective communication. Those
who are on the,
who are on the the call last night
at the salon last night
and know that we
kind of hinted at peace, you know, having
peace in your relationship. Exactly. So we created
a peace model for effective communication
and,
using effective communication as a tool for connecting
and bonding with your spouse. Yeah. And using
communic
effective communication because we communicate. Mhmm. But is
it effective or ineffective? So using effective communication
as a tool for connecting and bonding with
your co wife,
oh,
and polygyny.
We wouldn't we wouldn't be proper co wives.
I would think that if we didn't talk
about polygyny and how to bond, because we
do get a lot of questions. And we
did see that there are a number of
people who are on the who are watching
the the videos, who are at the salon,
who are in the salon,
who stated that they are actually in polygyny.
So that was actually a cool thing to
see
because it's not,
you know, something that's so foreign
that Right. You know, it's not something that
we should be we shouldn't talk about. A
lot of those things get swept under the
rug, or people are not speaking with speaking
about it as much,
because they think that there's no place for
it. Well, it's taboo, or I just think
it's a negative taboo thing. So we'll get
into that.
So we're ready. We're about to get into
it, guys. So what does effective communication
look like?
I didn't know what that looked like because
I got married when I was 20. So
I was just like, we talk, so that
means we communicate.
But it's not it wasn't an effective communication
where there's a balance. So effective communication.
A good marriage thrives through healthy communication,
and that means to have the willingness to
communicate
and be open to exchange your belief, thoughts,
and your concerns and your desires. I think
oftentimes, we wanna sweep our desires under the
rug, whether we desire to let's say your
husband does desire to be in a polygynous
marriage. And
is he able to say it? Maybe you
desire for him not to be in a
position in this marriage.
Are you able to say it to have
that comfortability
to speak your concerns?
Right. You know, I didn't know how to
do that.
I said, like, is it just making the
other person happy? We're gonna talk about effective
listening. We're gonna talk about those type of
things too because I'm like sometimes, like like
you said, just say, okay. Well, hey. We're
talking.
We're communicating.
You know? So you know? And a lot
of times, it get to the point where
it's like, okay. This is my side. This
is my side. And then you It's stubbornness.
It's stubbornness. And my thing before, like, I
didn't know how to communicate affection. I had
to learn this thing. Mhmm. Because my thing
is I wanted people to see my view.
Right. I can understand your view. I see
your view. I get that. However,
I have I feel some type of way
if I feel that you don't feel my
view or you're not getting my view. So
I'm like, okay. Well and you may communicate
different. You may get what I'm saying,
but you may not
you may not express it the way I
want you to express it. So since you
didn't express it the way I want you
to express it, I gotta force my way
on you.
That never worked
ever. You know? Ever. I was that type
of person that was like, I'm you don't
care. I'm a make you care. You can't
do that to people. You know? You can't
make them care. They're gonna care, and they're
gonna do it in their own way. Of
course, we talk about that too. Yeah. You
know, you got you're the people are gonna
to communicate in their own way, shape shape,
and form.
And we have to realize
how to
adapt and adapt those different communication styles because
there are different styles of communicating.
Right.
So, yes, this is our peace model Yeah.
To effective communication.
So, yes, you we have the p, the
e to a a c e,
and,
of course, the communication bubble with the peace
sign because
I think people want drama free.
Yeah. I hope so. They want drama free
Yeah. Marriages. They want drama free relationships.
And in order to have that drama free,
you have to have peace. Yeah. So, yeah,
that's why we decided to come up with
that model because we're like, okay. What is
the common denominator? What is the kind of
thing that people want? Because we would say
happiness, and happiness can be relative. There's a
lot of things that can be relative. But
when it all comes down to it, the
word that people
really
hone in on is like, I wanna be
at peace. Right. But then the thing is,
it's like you want that and you should
want it, but it's how to practice it
Mhmm. That becomes an issue. You know, we
don't know how to sometimes practice being peaceful.
You just go, I wanna be peaceful, but
then you don't have, you know, these best
practices. We're gonna definitely get into that because
that's what I did. I didn't you know?
Y'all wanna be peaceful. And then you're going
with it,
the idea of peace. Exactly.
So
okay. If I will if I'm to move
because apparently there we go. Because it wasn't
really being practiced.
So what does the PEACE model stand for?
What does those letters stand for?
That's the p.
Yeah. Participating with purpose. The e for effective
listening.
A, argument free. Well, the first a, argument
free.
The second a. And this is a big
one, guys. Alleviating drama.
Oh. C, consistently
connect.
And e, establish
trust. Exactly. So
what does that mean? It sounds all good,
coaches. What does that mean?
Participating with purpose. How do you participate with
purpose? What does that mean? Yeah.
It's knowing
knowing what you wanna get out of a
conversation that you wanna have
to move through whatever issues you're having.
Having that willingness
to have a hard conversation face to face.
Mhmm. I think oftentimes we get,
caught up in
social media and texting and emails.
We start to lose our ability to communicate
face to face. Mhmm. I was actually listening
to a podcast, and these guys were talking
about, you know, like, in the nineties,
eighties, nineties, anything before social media technology.
They were saying you had to get the
courage up to go across the room and
talk to a girl you liked or a
boy that you liked, and you had to
communicate.
We lost our ability to do so because
we're so invested in these electronics, these phones,
and these watches
that the conversations that are hard are starting
to happen on social media Mhmm. Or on
in through technology.
Also,
one big thing is offering your undivided
attention to the person that you're trying
to participate in your relationship with.
If we're talking and you have your phone
in your hand, and I'll say it again
for the people that didn't hear me. You
have your phone in your hand. You're not
able to listen effectively to what the other
person is saying. You're distracted,
and that's an issue because you're not present.
So, and another big one
is
no silent treatment. We're all adults, and I
know it's super easy to give the silent
treatment in the stonewall and not talk. I've
mastered this, art over
my 45
years
on this earth.
Not talking, but and not speaking, you can't
fix the issue
if you're not speaking. Mine is usually,
survival,
tactics so that I don't say something to
you that
you nor I can come back from.
So I'd rather not talk to get my
thoughts together and not just speak out of
my mouth just.
You know? Exactly.
I like,
You backtrack. Backtrack a little bit because especially
the nose on treatment. I love that because
and I like the way
you stated that it's a defense mechanism or
a a mechanism to say, you know, let
me get my thoughts together. Now that's totally
different
than using it as a
tool of,
you know, a weapon using it as a
weapon. It's totally different. And when you say,
you know what? I need some
time. Yeah. I need to process this. It's
totally different than saying, you know, being the
passive aggressive,
person to say, you know what? Well, they
know. Or I'm mad. You know? You keep
looking to see if they, you know, care
that you're mad at them or that you're
not talking to them or anything like that
and realize that you're just gonna keep on
living their life. Right. Probably happy that you're
quiet right now. It's a lot of different
things. So you wanna be careful with using
certain things as weapons.
The I love to offer your undivided attention
part because that's another thing that I do.
I even do that with my children. If
I'm doing certain things
and they wanna talk to me and they
wanna say certain things, I'm like, hold up.
And I will actually say, hold up. I'm
not listening to you. Like, seriously, those are
the words
that will come out of my mouth because
I know I'm doing something else. And I
was like, I'm not listening to you, but
I want to listen to you. So give
me a second while I finish this. Or
if I find myself that,
I happen to pick up my phone when
I'm doing something when someone's talking to me
Mhmm. I try to make a conscious effort
to say, you know what?
I don't want that done to me. Right.
I know how to feel. Yeah. You're good
at that. Am I paying attention? Yes. I
think that's that part. I think when we
like, they're participating with the purpose. If your
purpose is to say, you know what?
I want to listen. I want to learn.
I want to
if it's an issue, I want us to
fix it. I want us to
communicate. Whatever the case may be, have that
state of mind through the whole thing and
just be intentional
and conscious
of what you are doing
during that communication process.
Right.
I like that.
That was great.
So the e, effective listening, we kinda segue
into that,
with the, you know, kinda like limiting distractions
type of thing when you are discussing and
talking,
to people.
I'm sorry. Okay. Saw a little bit of
chat things,
pop up. So, yeah, we're checking stuff, guys.
So yes. Sorry. So many good sisters, there
are some comments from the VIP suite. Ah,
okay. Treatment
specifically. Do you mind just having a look
and seeing if there's maybe anything that you
can pick up from there? Yeah. Let me
because I that's why I was I saw
something that said,
And you caught it, honey. I saw the
check.
So I was trying to no. It did
it definitely popped up, and I'm trying to
see where where
it is actually, on our screen. We see
maybe more
said that, silent treatment can be part of
emotional abuse. Oh, yes.
Yeah.
Yeah. We totally agree with that. That's that
part where we're saying using the thing as
a weapon. Yeah. And it's not just women.
Women are not the only ones that do
that. That's a 2 that's a 2 way
street. A 2 way street. I've
seen men do it,
on a number of occasions where, you know,
you instead of you wanna ask them questions
or say, hey. I wanna know how you
feeling. Or they or you said something that
possibly triggered them. Yeah. And then they're quiet,
and then you're like, okay. Wow. What the
heck did I just do? And now you're
constantly thinking in your mind of what I
did, and now it's affecting your day to
day, and it's affecting your life. So, yeah,
of course. It's like an emotional punishment that
some sisters experience. They're not they're maybe not
as direct to say, what's going on? Why
are you being quiet? Maybe they don't want
to, nor do they feel safe or comfortable
in doing so. So as adults,
we need to be able to explain or
articulate ourselves in such a way that when
we're upset, we need to say why because
we're not mind readers. Right. You know, we
don't un we we we might not understand
how something is hitting you
emotionally, the person that's being quiet.
And we shouldn't have to go through this
guessing game of what's going on in your
head as adults. Right. You know, that as
married people,
we have to understand that there's a certain
especially as Muslims, there's a specific way, and
we we're supposed to live with each other
in kindness
anyway.
So when we reflect on those things, we
get better at not sitting around and not
talking and, you know,
stuff like that. It kinda you you can
I get a little irritated with some of,
the treatment that happens
with us Muslim to Muslim? Mhmm. It it
just burned. Me out here. You burned your
biscuits. You burned my biscuits.
So And some most of.
And I mean, and that's I just like
to get your, Inshallah, your your your viewpoint
on because somebody said, you know,
silence could also be a way of easing
the situation as well. Just
to go there, if you know what I
mean. It can. It can. It can. We
do the golden,
and silence is a punishment or it's a
silent treatment as a punishment.
Right. And that's pretty much known earlier. Exactly.
And that's the part of knowing what it
is and being
being,
like what my co wife said, being,
strong enough and being,
direct enough to say. And it you can
always do it, and we're gonna talk about
that too. Doing with respect, being able to
speak with respect. Saying what's on your mind,
saying what you mean, saying what you wanna
say, but being respectful about it. So, yeah,
truly understand that, yes, it could be that
way of easing,
the situation. Just like my co wife said,
she said sometimes that's the thing for her
to process. Yep. I'm just glad because I
gotta process it. And me, there are times
when I would say, you know what?
They're like, what's wrong? Because you can see
it in my face. I'm a I'm a
type of person. I wear my emotions. I
wear whatever I'm going through kinda, like, on
my face so you kinda know if I'm
going through some stuff.
And
I'll get the question, what's wrong? And I
used to say nothing.
I used to say nothing. And this is
that part being, you know, being honest and
being transparent and being direct.
And
when you say nothing and something is actually
wrong with you, you are lying.
No matter how you wanna slice it or
whatever, how cute you wanna make it, you
are lying because there's something wrong with you.
I learned to stop doing that and say,
you know what? Nothing I wanna talk about
right now. Let me process it if I
feel that it's a need to discuss it.
I know it sounds like way more words,
but like I stated last night,
work,
you need to do the work. The only
time to test, we come before work is
in the dictionary. So you wanna make sure
that it so what it may take a
little bit longer to get around to the,
to the issue or the solution or anything
like that. If you are willing to work
at it and to be honest about it,
it will happen.
And, it's one of the things that,
Fawn Weaver, one of the,
and I wanna say argument free marriage,
she talked about as
being able to
just state these different things, being able to
say certain things, but being also being able
to
take some time out for yourself.
Yeah. You know? Be able to process stuff
and to say you know? And it and
she's made a comment about that. We if
we plan to be married, we didn't plan
to be married for this short period of
time, and then that's it. We wanted to
be married for life. Yeah. So, you know,
this long term goal. So if we plan
on being married that long, then we have
time. You know? Yes. You know? It it
gets to the point where it's like, okay.
Well, we not promised tomorrow and all this
other stuff, but you gotta understand that we
have time to work on each other. We
have time to work together. We have time
to fix the situation if we're willing to
work on it. But it's not fixing it
right away. It's working on it right away.
That's the part. People want It's a process.
Insta insta fix fix thing instead of saying,
you know what?
We know that we are constantly growing together.
That's our goal because we talked about the
marriage mission statement, all this other stuff.
Now if we're having some type of issue,
we're gonna work through this issue no matter
how long it takes, but we're not gonna
force it. We're not going to argue about
it. We're not if if you're not receptive,
I'm not receptive, then we're not gonna work
on it today.
That type of thing. And that's a question
I ask. I'm like, are you receptive for
this communication?
Are you receptive for this conversation?
Mhmm. And I can tell if the person
is receptive or not.
Whether they say yes or no, I can
tell. And I'm like, say yes, and I
know you know,
maybe we can
stick a pen and then come back. Right.
Right. I agree. That's all I just So
that's that part.
So yeah. And the effective listening part. Thank
you guys so much. Great great great comments,
great questions.
Definitely,
listening listening to understand. And we talked about
that earlier. Yeah. You know, you're not just
listening to a person so they can shut
up, and then you say what you wanna
say.
You're like, okay. Well, she just heard you
have to shut up. Yep. Mhmm. Mhmm.
Mhmm. And then you just start talking
at work. You wanna listen
to understand
what the what the other person is coming
from. You may not agree.
Understanding don't mean that you agree with what
they're saying. It's that you see their point
of view,
however different it may be. You don't have
to agree. But you can understand, like, okay.
You know what?
I can see how you possibly have gotten
that. Right. You know, whatever. But this is
what I meant, or this is what I
said. You can validate her. Exactly. You don't
have to agree with
everything that's said to you. We're all different,
and we're experiencing life in different
ways.
So we're experiencing our lives differently. People go,
but you're co wives. Yes. But we're our
own
individual people. So and our husband hits his
own person, so I can't compare
my chapter 20 as a mother to his
chapter 20 as a father Right. You know,
with our children because they fulfill me in
different ways than they fulfill him
and vice versa. Exactly. You know what I
mean? So,
I might not understand his life
as a husband and a father and the
busyness of that role. Oh, yeah. But, I
mean, he doesn't understand
hours. Mhmm. But he doesn't have to. To.
It's just going, okay. I know you're busy
as a mom. I know you're busy as
a father.
But, you know, can you listen to kinda
what I'm
I'm going through?
You know? And I go, yeah. I can
listen, and I can get what you're saying.
Like, I love that. I get what you're
saying,
but I don't necessarily have to agree. My
experience is different. So
When you said that, when you think of
the training the family meetings. So we do
weekly family meetings,
And
he has his own way of how he
trains. Yeah.
He's a train like a mom. Have our
way of how we train. Like, when we
get up there and we do family training
and family meetings and different things like that,
we do we have a different way of
doing it.
And
he's a kind of He's an INTJ.
Yeah. So I'm kinda kinda wanna throw you
into the thing and have you figure it
out, and I'll kinda possibly help you along
the way. But I want you to really
figure it out on your own.
We are kinda like the guiding
ones and, you know, so we'll explain it
a little bit more than he does. And
before, it used to be so cringey for
me. And I'm gonna just be and I
and I told him that. I said, because
I'm like, oh, I just wanna go in
and just save them and just tell them
the answer or do these other things.
Throw them a life preserver. And then I
thought about it
is that the cool thing about it was
this balance that we all have. We all
have our different styles of how we how
we parent, how we train, and and it's
the awesome thing about it is that seeing
these differences come together
and create well rounded individuals and real well
rounded children. So when I got to that
point of seeing it in that type of
way, keeping that open mind
and saying, you know what?
I I get it. You know? I may
not do it exactly that way, but it's
effective. Yeah. It's effective in a way that
he does it, and then we are the
ones that do the other pieces that's that's
just as effective. The nurturing part. Nurturing part.
Yeah. So yeah. So sometimes,
you you know,
I think a lot of times, like I
said, like, we stated last night, people
are so used to their way Yeah. That
they want people to do it their way.
But I'm like, are you just that doggone
self centered
that it only gotta be your way, and
your way is the only way that it
can possibly be. Or your,
mental about it or your mentality about it
is the only, like, I think idea
that, you know, makes sense.
So that part. So you wanna make sure
that you're listening to understand. You're keeping an
open mind. I love my co wife talks
about maintaining eye contact. You know, when I
it depends on who you're talking to, but
I know when
I'm speaking or coaching, when we when we
speak or coach
face to face or 1 on 1 and
we have to do effective listening or when
we're talking to our spouse or our children
even,
and we have some smaller children, we get
down to their level, talk to them Mhmm.
Because they're smaller. Or
we just you wanna engage with your eyes
so that we can just really
hit things head on in their sincerity,
you know, in the windows of our soul,
which are our eyes.
So I love
to work on my eye contact, and I'm
pretty good at it. But at the same
time, after having so many children and you're
being married so long, you become pretty good
and skilled at looking people right in the
eye.
Also,
this one is a little bit different. Placing
yourself in the shoes of others. The friendship
the friendship that you should have with your
spouse versus
just the spousal world. Mhmm. So for example,
I remember,
her husband in particular.
And I I think a lot of brothers
go through this where they want their children
all to kinda be together, see each other
often, and things like that. So there there
was a discussion that was brought up for,
my biological
youngest son to go see his brothers,
my oldest babies.
And our husband brought it up to me,
said, I think he should go visit and
go play over there, and it's a change
of scenery.
I couldn't be in that spousal role.
I had to turn it to that friendship
role and go, okay.
I have to look at it from that
side and go, if this was me
and I wanted to bring my children together
that are all biologically
mine, I'd want somebody to listen to that.
I'd want somebody to hear me. I wanna
I I need a friend to step into
the room and not,
you know, this jealous energy or this
judgment or and I'm not saying that wives
would judge that situation, but they have. We've
worked with some that go, I don't want
my kids over there. I said, but you
gotta look at it from the kids' perspective
and from your husband's perspective as a friend.
Now they might have there might be danger.
I I'm not saying all
all things are, that easy or that black
and white. It certainly wasn't for us. But
what was easy for me is to understand
that I have to understand that I have
to hear him
as not just a wife, but as a
friend
and go,
this is healthy for the children involved, and
this is the right thing to do for
them.
And their father should be able to say
that to either one of us.
And he he speaks from a place of
privilege because
we're all,
very invested in the mental
health of the children in this family.
Mental health, physical, spiritual, emotional health. So we
all go, okay. This is what's best for
our babies. Let's do it. You know? But
you gotta sometimes show up as a friend
and not just that role as wife or
husband. You know?
Exactly.
I love it either. Along.
I'm gonna be loud. I'll show you all
love. Everything is not that black and white,
but we we're doing our work. And I
like that you said that. We're we're all
doing our work. And, guys, we're going to
Before you move on sorry. Sorry. Just jumping
in there. But Before you move on, there
is a a question that's been asked that
a couple of people have said, yeah, I
really need the answer to that question. Okay.
How do you deal with husbands that don't
open up? This came up earlier on today.
How do you deal with husbands that don't
open up where that open communication
is one-sided,
so the wife gives up and stops talking?
What what what's what's what's to be done
in that situation?
There are a number of ways when we
talk about it. You kinda know the communication
style. Sometimes
see, the thing is that
sometimes we think that communicating is like we're
doing a lot of talking or, you know,
it's like, okay. I'm asking them these questions
and things like that. Sometimes you gotta find
out what's your spouse's communication style is.
Maybe it is hard for them to be
vulnerable enough to tell you face to face
or, you know, through verbal communication
that, you know,
that they're feeling some type of way.
One of the thing is being encouraging
and to be able to encourage them to
do that,
whether it's writing a note, whether it's saying,
you know what? I noticed this, you know,
and I really wanna assist.
So what should I do? Or, you know,
so it's kinda those things where it kinda
takes it off,
takes the pressure off. Yes. And this is
an interesting thing because I know sometimes we'll
get these things and, like, well, if he
don't do it to me and he don't
no. See, that's not we're gonna talk about
we really have to take personal responsibility and
how we want our relationships
to look. And if it takes that that,
one of the sisters talked about it yesterday
too, about the sacrifice or the compromise and
these different things to say, you know what?
I really want to know him. I really
wanna get to know him. I really wanna
know his ins and outs. I want us
to connect.
So how do I do that? What do
I do as a spouse? What do I
do? So can I
is there things that I could do better?
Right. And that's that part where
it's not that you're beating yourself up. It's
like, when I look at certain things, I'm
like, how could I have done this better?
I had,
wrote a post a while back called unapologetically
apologetic.
And and it came from because someone asked
a question like, do people apologize anymore? Like,
what's up with that? Is that, like, a
lost art?
And I realized that I used to apologize
so much. I still do. You know? And
I'm like,
first, it used to get to me, and
I'm like, I'm so tired of apologizing.
I'm sick of apologizing. Why I gotta be
the one to apologize?
Then I thought about why I apologize as
much as I do anyway. And I said,
because I wanna take responsibility
for my role Mhmm. And what could have
possibly happened.
Even though I could have been,
intentional my intentions could have been totally awesome
and totally great,
You cannot control what a person
gets from what you say or do or
anything like that. But my thing is, like,
could I have possibly done it a different
way? Could I possibly have listened a little
more? Could I possibly have encouraged them a
little more? So the thing is, how do
you get your husband to open up? For
1, be patient.
Realize that they are individual just like you
are, that you're human, that they have these
different needs and these different desires and these
different vulnerabilities
and probably
Are you seriously gonna take a look in
the mirror,
you know, your,
you know, internal mirror or whatever to say,
you know what? Am I
creating
like, we want our spouse to create
a a Environment. Environment
where we feel safe to talk to them.
Are we creating that environment that they can
feel safe to talk to us? Or we're
saying that, well, you're the man. You know
how to deal with things, or you deal
with these. I used to feel that men
didn't have feelings like that. Like, I really
seriously did growing up. I'm like, they hurt
people. They're heartless. They're heartless.
They can keep on moving. They don't cry,
you know, a lot of stuff because of
how men were brought up. Boys are brought
up a lot of boys are brought up.
You know, you can't cry.
Don't show your emotions. Don't do these different
things instead of how to properly do it.
Not don't do it, but how to show
these emotions, how to be vulnerable.
So being able to be understanding enough
to say, you know what? This is where
he is, and my husband may be broken.
You know, just a little bit and not
like broken to the point where he can't
be, you know we can't get out of
this, but it could be some things that
are triggers to him. There are things that
maybe
he don't feel comfortable with talking to me
about. But it's like, okay. How can I
be that comfort to him? How can I
be that person
and give him that space and give him
that time,
but also continue to encourage like you would
do a child?
Not to put him in the same category.
Right. But the thing is is that we
all, whether children,
wives, husbands, and we have basic human needs,
and we have basic emotions.
And it doesn't matter if you're, you know,
2 or 22 or 202.
You know? You're still going to have these
different things
that are just basic human emotions that were
ingrained in us. And I also think just
quickly so we can move on and, res
respect the time. We just wanna really go
into that because it's not just a really
simple answer to that question. Right. Also, let
him know that he can talk to you
Mhmm. And that you won't judge him Yeah.
And what he says.
Because a lot of times when people don't
wanna talk to us, especially our husbands, they
might feel like they're gonna judgment is just
right at the end of that conversation,
or they won't be heard.
That's another thing. They feel like they won't
be heard as well. So offer an
ear.
Let them know you don't judge them
and that you're gonna hear them and not
just run all over whatever they have to
say. I'd start there. Absolutely.
Yes. I lost our place. So let me
just start with that one, the argument free.
And it said that yeah. Argument
free. No. That is good. Thank you guys
for the questions because seriously, that that is
actually a big deal. We actually get to
that question a lot because of, like, men
are this way. And, you know, men are
from Mars. Women are from Venus. He said
it that I can't even think off the
top of my head who actually wrote the
book, and I should have a book at
home.
And, but
the thing is is that it just the
way we communicate is different. Yeah. And, but
just being able to
to see our differences and appreciate those differences.
And it's it'll take some time and it'll
take some work, but you have to build
the, you know, we can say that, yeah,
you should already have trust and everything like
that, but you definitely because of a lot
of the baggage that come into it, a
lot of us don't go through therapy or
go through these other things
that,
can help us when we get into marriages.
Right. So we're coming with baggage. We're coming
with different things that we may need to
work through and,
work through ourselves as well as work through
together.
So
yeah. So, man, argument free.
I'm sorry?
Would you say then that because of quite
a few people asked about, you know, if
their partner
doesn't like to show vulnerability,
how do they get them how do we
get them comfortable and safe
enough to be vulnerable? Are are you saying
then that one of the components of that
is a lack of judgment? So, like, a
judgment Mhmm. Phase?
Yes. And we've been also conditioned to think
that vulnerability
is a weakness and it's a strength.
So when you in a society or in
a world that says, well, don't be vulnerable,
you get hurt, or you look like you're
weak, That's something we have to unlearn,
that it is a weakness, and that it
is indeed,
a strong
attribute to be vulnerable,
with someone and you love them.
You know, we I was taught by my
aunt. She said, you know what? If you're
gonna talk to people, talk to people that
love your family.
Don't talk to people that don't love your
family, or talk to people that love your
husband, not people that don't like him, because
they're never gonna have anything good to say.
So when we tell the people that we
love
that they're vulnerable
being vulnerable is a a strength,
and they're not we don't look at them
as weak for coming to us or wanting
to talk to us.
And sometimes we find when we talk, you'll
find some commonality.
Some of the same struggles
that your husband might be going through emotionally,
you might be going through as well, but
we're more
easily to say it.
You know? Because
women feel comfortable
talking out things versus
stuffing a lot down. The men seem to
suppress a little bit more than we do.
We still suppress things, but we're more open
to discussion about hard topics. And sometimes our
husbands, they just don't know where to start.
They don't know what to say. And I
was watching a,
a show,
and I can't remember what it was. But
the man was saying, I wish we could
tell our wives that we're scared too. Mhmm.
And we're we're scared to say we're scared
to know.
You know? And I was like, that's really
sad
that
they wanna say they're afraid and don't know
what to say and do,
but they don't feel like they're being heard
or they'll look,
they'll look as though they're weak if they
say, well, I'm afraid too.
You know?
Another thing is keep your eyes open because
it may not come in the way that
we we think it should come. The vulnerability
may not be
exactly in the way that we may want
to see what it is or that them
telling us. Just keep your eyes open because
it will be little things. It'll be things
like, man, you know, why you gotta go
such and such? Why you gotta be here?
Or, you know, man, you gotta do this
again. Or, man, you sleep when I get
home. So
and these days could be like, I wanna
spend more time with you. Like, it comes
in different forms.
So keep your eyes open and your ears
open to these different things and these different
cues instead of it being something that will
create an argument. It'd be like, oh, wait
a minute. This is him
being vulnerable. It's a hint. It's actually a
hint
of saying, like,
wait. Okay.
Instead of being like, man, why are you
harping on me about me going to the
store, spending this time at, you know, the
mall or a certain thing like this? It's
like,
okay.
I get it.
Do you wanna spend time with me?
You know, type of thing like that. You
know, whatever. Or like, man, I'm so hungry.
You know, Whatever. And, you know, I will
work. So it'd be like these different things.
And it's like
sometimes I've heard, like, different women would say,
you know, I don't wanna have to cook
all the time. But then it's like, think
about it. If he's talking about your food
and, like, he's not it's not probable it's
probably not because he just wants you to
cook for him all the time. He really
like your food. So, you know, it's certain
things that,
you know, we look at in different ways,
and it's like, okay. Then, like, okay. Well,
you know, just communicating about it. You know?
Even if you don't wanna do it all
the time, like, hey. How about we, you
know I I I love the fact that
you love my cooking, but I need a
break sometimes. So can we do this and
then? DoorDash. But when we come down to
it, just look at it that way. But,
also,
when you hear those things,
those little things, acknowledge it. You know what?
It sounds as though you wanna spend some
time with me. How about we do this?
Hey. It sounds like you like my cooking,
but I get so tired sometimes. How about
we do this? You know? Kinda make those
suggestion. I'm sure that helps.
So, yeah, argument free. You wanna stop the
acceleration before it starts.
Yeah. Focus on the now. Don't go back
into if you have a specific topic that
you're talking about, don't go and tell your
spouse. This can go for the men or
the women.
Well, that time 10 years ago when you
said thus and so to me, and now
you, you know,
stay on
stay with what is happening and then how.
Mhmm. It will really help because when you're
talking
and you're going way back in the day
or even 6 months ago,
it's draining for the listener because if it's
not gonna serve or solve a problem now,
then you don't need to revisit it and
relive it. Indeed.
The next one is don't lash out or
name call.
I we've I had a client and,
you know, I I have struggles with this.
And her husband was
from,
I think his family was, like, from the
Macedonia,
Turkish, Albania, in that area.
It was Eastern European.
Yeah. Something like that.
And she was telling me, you know,
the I have an issue with that because
I'm a convert, and those men will spit
in your face if they're upset. And then
I'm like, excuse moi.
What?
And she you know, I'm I'm an American,
and you don't spit on me. I might
hit you. But but over here,
it's, like, it's a heinous thing that they
would spit into. I don't know about the
rest of the world. And she said, no.
Actually, in that culture, it's practicing
restraint.
So it's not
looked at as a heinous thing like you
would look at as someone that's American. And
I said, I get it. But, I I
just was so
amazed. But in that culture,
that's the name calling. That's the lashing out.
That's the practicing restraint. It, like, falls under
that thing. So if my wife or my
from that culture, my experience of that kind
of lashing out could be complete,
My experience of that kind of lashing out
could be completely
traumatizing
for me. So I said, we just don't
need to lash out, and, you know, we
don't need to be spreading and hitting and
name calling or hitting each other with our
words
because sometimes you can hit somebody
so hard with your mouth. Yeah. That's why
we're supposed to guard our tongue as well.
So that's a big thing. And apologize when
you when you have been wrong. And I
love that, my co wife, Coach Nylas, said
that because we have to be strong enough
to apologize when we're wrong.
You know, even maybe we think someone shouldn't
be hurt by what we said. Mhmm. But
if they are,
it's good to say, you know what? I
didn't mean that for, you know, to come
off that way. I'm so sorry I came
off that way. That wasn't my intention. Or
if it was something that you did and
you know it is wrong of you to
do, it is for you to apologize for
what you did wrong. It's okay
because you can start over possibly. Yeah. You
know? And it says a lot about your
character when you can apologize for wrongdoing,
that you have practice against someone else. Yeah.
Because there's a lot of times that we
just jump on the defensive.
Yeah. And, that's how you you stay argument
free of that being so defensive,
whereas, like, once again,
listening to understand.
It's not as easy, but that's not even
the stop and acceleration before it starts. I
know me,
the the term getting heated is literal for
me.
Like, when I get when it's on the
I, like, I literally feel like I'm it's
just heat inside.
It gets getting fizzled. I'm like, you know
what? Affected. Breathe. And I tell myself, because,
like, these are tips that I do for
me. I say, you breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe. Alright. You know what? Let's do this
later.
That that's pretty much like boom, acceleration. Stop
it now. There's no good will come from
it. Exactly. So if I can't hear you,
you can't hear me. There's nothing we need
to even discuss right now because no one
is being heard. All we're doing is wasting
air. Right.
That's why we're just wasting air. So you
definitely wanna be careful,
with that. Yeah. Absol. That's cool. That's a
big one. That's a big one. So,
take a little time. We're just looking at
your your comments, everyone.
Alright.
So, yeah, alleviate drama. That's the other a.
Alleviate drama. Drama happens. It's gonna happen, period.
Expected. It. It's gonna happen in many cases.
Yeah. Like, think about your garden. Let's talk
about it. Think about your garden.
If you don't
take care of that garden, your weeds are
gonna grow. They don't need help. They're gonna
grow.
So things are gonna happen in life. Yeah.
They say people say life happens.
What they really mean is drama happens in
life. You know? Things are gonna happen. It
can be you have trials. You get tested.
We'll just say, We we know. A lot
of tests don't We do love
family got hit hard with massive tests. A
lot of tests.
And the thing is being and I I
love it because the sisters say it like
we know. You know, our arts law grounds
us without
no question, without a doubt. I mean, we
we are speaking a lot of, a lot
of things, but it comes to the point
that spirituality is the foundation. That's what grounds
us. Our Islam is what grounds us. And
then we move on these other things. This
is the reason why we can do this
because we're grounded in our deen.
However, that's the part when it comes to
that drama part. It's like, okay. How do
I minimize
that impact?
Yeah. It's not about how do I stop
it because we can't.
You know? We can't stop it. Yeah. It's
gonna happen. But it's how do I minimize
the impact that it's gonna have on me,
on my relationship,
you know, on my life, how do I
do that? Yeah. I I had to learn
something. And then the next point is to
become a sober thinker versus a solo thinker.
Solo thinking is when you're just talking about
what is your experience and your focus is
you.
Sober thinking is when you
take your clear head, your thoughts, your judgments,
and you see
someone else's side
in a truthful way, not this irrational
hypersensitivity
that likes to creep in. You know? It's
like changing that narrative in your head and
go, okay. Sober thinking is thinking with logic
Yeah. And taking a lot of the emotion
out of it. So the story I was
telling about our son visiting with his brothers,
I have to I had to think as
a sober thinker and not a solo thinker
and not go, well, I want him here
with me.
Mhmm. Well, what if he ends up liking
my co wife more than me?
I said,
you know what? I'm glad you wanna take
him to see his brothers. They should have
a change of atmosphere.
He should go over there and play with
their toys and have this,
and maybe he can bond
with
anybody that can give more love or,
support
to my children is welcome in their life,
period.
So for me, it was different. I was
like, if and my son my 8 year
old son, he's mildly autistic.
So it's it's not so easy to explain
to him why he can't or why he
shouldn't or why he should do a thing.
Whatever makes him comfortable is what I wanna
support in his life.
That's that sober thinking.
The solo singer will go, well, he's my
son, and I want him here. And they
come over here, and it's all about what
I need. And I I I need to
be right.
All that.
So
that's
important to alleviate drama. And,
you know, when we're training, when we talk,
there's a time for, like, playing. There's a
time to get very serious, and you will
experience trauma. We don't stay happy all the
time in our life. We go in and
out of happiness. Mhmm. In and out of
happiness. Mhmm. And in our in our community,
in our own lives,
we've been hit hard this month of August.
Yeah. But we also, as a family,
as coaches, had to say, okay. Love test
the ones that he loves. Mhmm. And we're
elevated in ways that we have no idea
the packaging it'll come in. In. Mhmm. You
know? So that's that sober thinking. Yeah.
The solo one is like, why me?
No. And I like that. The sober thinking
part person as well is,
okay. What can I learn from this experience?
Yeah. What's the lesson? You know, what's the
lesson? Is there a let you know, it's,
we learn from the lessons. Things happen in
our life. What's the lesson, you know, I
learned from this instead of, like, like you
said, why me?
You know? Why not you? Maybe you're asking
about you know, maybe it's that time now.
Maybe you need to be humbled. Maybe you
need to learn something. Maybe it could be
anything. If you're not being tested, you should
be afraid.
Indeed. Very afraid. Don't be afraid. Be very
afraid.
Consistently
connect. We talk about
people communicate.
John c Maxwell, one of them. Gosh. One
of them in JCM.
He has a card. Everyone communicates if you
connect.
And that's the interesting thing because we communicate
all day long. Are we connecting? How are
we connecting?
In our relationship mastery inner circle,
which is our monthly program.
This month, we're gonna talk about we're talking
about bonding.
So, you know, we train on that. We're
training on, actually, this Sunday.
So,
yeah, we're we're talking about connecting
and bonding
and what that looks like. And why it's
important. Why yeah. Exactly. Important. Exactly. So one
of the things, start a daily ritual. If
you have not if you don't have a
ritual, start one. And I'm talking about not
just a ritual with yourself, a ritual with
your spouse. You know? What is your ritual?
Like, do you,
sit down? Like, do you both like coffee?
You both like coffee? Do you sit down
before one of you go to work or
anything like that and, you know, have coffee
together and just talk or just sit. Just
sit in each other's presence and have coffee.
Like, the energy that you guys would bounce
off each other is will be amazing.
Do you work out? You know? Y'all work
out together? What type of ritual is that?
You know? Do you sit down and eat
together and Pray together. Pray together. All those
good things is starting a ritual, and you
don't have to do so many. You just
pick one thing and say, you know what?
This is what we are going to do.
This is how we are gonna connect
every single day. Yeah. Exactly. And and and
when you're connecting, we have to be honest.
So we you have to be your
authentic self. So we always say in our
trainings, if you want
best results, you have to have best
daily practices. It's not, you know and we
said this yesterday. You don't take a shower
once and then say I'm good. You have
to consistently
take care of yourself,
and that means mentally, emotionally, physically,
spiritually,
1st and foremost. So be your authentic, honest,
true self
and say what you need. You know? So
connecting means
maybe you know, when I was learning early
on about polygyny,
part of me learning about connecting, one of
my first lessons was
everything doesn't have to be matchy matchy.
And this sister was actually teaching me how
to get through some certain things. And she's
like, you know what?
You might not like a red dress for
a gift, but maybe a coed would like
a red dress for a gift. Doesn't have
to be the same thing.
Understand the connection,
can change and be different because men compartmentalize
things. There's a whole another training. But I
understood
that the connection
was different. Yeah. You know? But it must
be made. Oh, yeah. So understanding that our
connections are different and our needs are different,
and we should really be transparent and
voice those at the proper time we can.
Right. And then Poligiani
is easy.
This is how easy it is. Mind your
marriage.
Yeah. Mind your marriage. When it gets to
the point where, you know, sometimes,
you know, we compare instead of connect. Yeah.
You know? And, like, okay. Well, let's you
know? Well, you did this or you or
I heard this or such and such. Or
it's these different things instead of saying, you
know what? How do I want my marriage
to look?
What am I gonna do to constantly connect
and build this connection in my marriage?
You know, it's a lot. We all have
our different
insecurities and different things that we may, you
know, feel and we can let run
amok. Yeah. And it those things, when we
let those things happen,
it definitely
breaks, you know, the foundation, and it breaks
that connection.
You know? It breaks the trust. It's a
lot of different things where we are going
to go into
establishing trust.
Yeah. Again,
be be transparent
and respectful.
Practice your vulnerability.
Mhmm. And just because
trust was broken before, I'm telling you, I've
been through this myself personally,
doesn't mean you can't regain trust.
It doesn't happen overnight.
It's not an easy process, but it's indeed
a process. So if you want it,
you can get it back. If someone else
is the the person that broke the trust
says,
you can trust me. We can start
from this point. And they and if they
want you to if you want to Mhmm.
There'll be signs that you can trust them.
Yeah. Nobody will have to tell you. That's
something that you feel. That's something that you
see from them.
Also, again, we talked about vulnerability
being a strength and not a weakness.
When you're concerned about something,
say you're concerned about something.
You know?
Don't hide that because the worst thing we
can do I wanna go through life, and
then I'm reaching a point where I'm gonna
pass on.
And then I have this regret of saying,
I wasn't really honest about how I thought
about stuff. Right. And I regret it. If
you don't believe me, go on YouTube. Look
up
100 year olds give advice
about their regrets. Oh. And it is deep
because they're saying, I wish I'd had more
fun. I wish I'd had to work less.
I wish I'd had to spend more time
with,
my family.
You know, all these different things. Again, I
said to you know, give yourself permission to
trust again. Mhmm. And know that
if you wanna establish trust,
that person is not there to fix you.
You know? Because a lot of people say,
well
well, I know your husband needs to fix
this.
He's one man. Yeah. He can't fix the
situation of trust alone. Right. You gotta have
2 willing,
people to do so. You know? Yeah. That's
that part where and I it's still every
time you're saying these things, it goes into
that keep open mind part. Yeah. It's like
if you are constantly closed minded, are you
very guarded? Yeah.
Especially
and we're human. This is the thing that
we make mistakes. We make mistakes. We want
people to understand that we make mistakes. But
when another person make a mistake,
it's like,
you know? Yes. You had no right to
do these things. And it's like, okay. We
are we are going through life without a
manual.
It's like we don't have an instruction manual
on this thing called life.
However, we do have,
you know, we do have examples.
We do have, you know, the best example
of the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasalam. And but
the thing is that we aren't perfect. You
know? And as much as we wanna try
to emulate and, you know, be as great
as, you know, the best before us,
we still have to realize that
there is some room for error.
Yeah. But we need to be able to
say, you know what?
I made a mistake.
You that does that apologizing
part. That's that being vulnerable part of saying,
you know what? I messed up. That's part
of honesty. Yes. Yeah. I messed up. Can
we move forward? If you want to and
if you both move want to. Don't think
about what everybody else is talking about, what
everybody else want. You know? What, you know,
those are the people
you don't let other people do the whole
thing of minding your marriage. Yeah. There are
gonna be people out there that has a
lot to say. And think about people who
are parents, who became parents. There was so
much advice that people wanted to give you
about how you're supposed to raise your kid
or what you're supposed to do, not do,
and everything like that.
However, you gotta still find
your happiness,
your happy medium, what you want that to
look like. Your happiness is customizable.
Mhmm. You know? And everybody doesn't have the
same things that make them happy. Exactly.
I have something, sisters, just to, you know,
jump off the mind your marriage, which I
really really like.
How do you think mind your marriage works
in a plural marriage?
Is it the marriage
when you say mind your marriage, is that
you and your spouse
or is that the 3 like, the whole
family? How how does that work? Because somebody
asked whether you're going to talk about communication
in the setting of polygyny. But I'm really
interested in how mind your marriage works in,
in in plural marriage and also, obviously, communication
in,
in that setting.
Yeah. We we got a question as well.
We'll get
the way our chat
works with, outstanding personal relationships is that oftentimes,
we'll get specific questions
for specific individuals. So coach Nyla will get
1. Coach Nyla will get 1. I'll get
one specific. They'll say coach Nyla. Coach Nyla.
They'll wanna speak to us specifically, and
my coeff has heard this
all before. But one day, we got a
I got a question about how do I
keep my mind off of what they're doing.
And sometimes we have to change the narrative
of what maybe somebody else is trying to
give us. So I said, I don't worry
about what they're doing. I'm worried about what
I'm doing
with him.
So that's a different
statement to that question or a different answer
to that question.
So
we've learned through personal development in many trainings.
We went through the what classes we need
to sign up for Yeah. And which ones
we don't. So worrying about what Nadir is
doing to me so much where you have
this obsession about what your husband is doing
is a form of worshiping that person. You've
given him all this power that he did
not ask you to give him. And if
he asked you to give him that kind
of power or that kind of obsession,
then there's a issue with him, and then
there's some narcissistic behavior there. Mhmm. So
I tend to to to think of things
in a different
way and flip it on its head
when being asked or being challenged with,
well, how do you keep your mind off
of him? Yeah. I have
7 people to raise
in my life. I've had 7 people to
raise in my life. There are other things
to focus on than what our husband is
doing. You know, oftentimes, you'll be thinking about
him, and he'd be somewhere with a brother.
Yeah. He won't even be with us. He'll
be at Juma. He'll be at wherever. You
know what I'm saying? So they'll directly come
at us and say, well, what is this?
And you you'll go, I don't think of
it that way. Right. I think of it
differently.
I think, yeah. And another thing is is
that and and
what we are talking about
is not just for monogamy. It's not you
know, it Mhmm.
It does work, and it this is also
in Poligene as well. So, I mean, we'll
talk about, you know,
also commune effective communication
with your co wife in a second. However,
this still
this still applies.
Because when we talk about minding your marriage
see,
in plural marriage, what people
tend to get twisted
is that
they make it seem as though that because
it's one family or one big family
that everybody is married together to each other.
And it's not.
So the thing is the minding your marriage
part goes to that. Our husband is monogamously
married to coach Fatima. He's monogamously married to
me.
You know? So when it comes down to
it, we make sure we communicate the way
we communicate. They communicate the way they communicate.
We don't communicate the same way, and nobody
expects it to be that way. You know?
Because Washington was a little more direct Yeah.
Than me. But I've been hanging out with
an INTJ for the past 25 years. And
they have a totally different relationship because they've
known each other since they were young teenagers.
I met him when he was 14. Right.
So it's these different things. And I'm not
gonna compare
you know, like, we talked about not comparing
these chapters, not comparing these things. So my
thing is I'm not gonna sit there and
say, well, how did she communicate with him?
Let me try to see if I could
do because we don't have that same
we talked about before, we don't have that
same connection. And we're different people anyway
outside of our husband. We're just 2 different
personality types. Anyway, I will always tell anyone
that my co wife is way more diplomatic
than me and way more patient than me.
And she'll go,
I will move around somebody so quickly if
I get this vibe. And she'll think, yeah.
But why Yeah. Are they acting that way?
And I'll be going, I don't know. They
need to figure that out. I'm going home.
I'm going home.
But I get it. I get there has
to be a level of maturity to go,
okay. But, yeah, but why they acting like
that? Because she studied psychology way longer than
I did because I wasn't as interested in
that, but I get the value in studying
it. But we're still different people with different
reactions and different,
experiences
to our husband. It's still effective. Still effective.
The way she communicate with him is effective
for her and him. And if I acted
like her, he'd be like, wait. Like, why
are you acting like that? And if I
did the same, he'd be like, why are
you? Baby.
He's like he's like, hold on. You know?
So it's these different things where it's like,
when we talk about that, we're like, seriously,
it's minding your marriage.
And Okay. Mind your business. Mind mind your
business.
And the thing is that yeah. Yes. Okay.
We have had people say, you know what?
Well,
it does intertwine and everything like that. Okay.
Yeah. It's just certain things that do intertwine
where you have different feelings and emotion, and
we are one big family. We meet for
family meetings. With many people. Not only do
we meet for family meetings,
we actually the 3 of us meet,
on how we are going to do things
as a family. Mhmm. So we do those
things too. So how does that work as
well? It works very well because we worked
on it.
Because we didn't do that at the beginning.
Right. You know, we didn't have that part.
We have to grow to this point.
It took years. Yeah. It took years. Years.
And people think it's it took months or
something. No. And it took being vulnerable. It
took coach Fatima being vulnerable to say, this
is how I'm feeling about this situation, and
this is what I want out of the
situation. Right. It's me being vulnerable saying, this
is what I want out of the situation.
This is how I feel about the situation.
And it was it took us to be
able to listen to what he had to
say and how he felt about the situation.
And to say, you know what? We all
have different ways of and it was like,
oh, the common denominator is that we're all
human. We all have our feelings. We all
have our vulnerabilities.
And the other common denominator is if we
wanna win, and we all tied. Yeah. And
we wanna win. Everybody's asleep. We wanted to
win as a family. We the the Miami
was a this is what we wanna do.
We wanna win. How do we do this?
And then we have children. So I always
like to say, polygyny doesn't just happen to
each
grown up in it. Mhmm. The children get
lost in this thing a lot of times.
So it's happening. I have daughters that are
adults,
18 and over.
So
their experience for their dad, they were somewhere
at a store, and the cashier said, are
these your nieces?
And 4th girl. And then my second oldest
goes, why we gotta be his nieces? And
I'm like, oh, lord. So that jealousy for
their father kicked in. He didn't even know
what was going on. You know? He was
completely oblivious
that this cashier thought it was cute, honey.
And our daughter didn't think it was cute
that the cashier thought it was cute. Remind
you, he had 2 vibes at the time,
but our daughter was not here for it.
That's that natural jealousy
that happened.
And so polygyny
and people, you know, kinda trying to flirt
with their dad.
Uh-uh. You don't you don't flirt with my
father now. Wait a minute. So we're moving
on. Moving on. Moving on.
So this is the thing that we're doing
is communication,
to connect and bond with your co.
As I stated before, we are going to
really dig deep into this, topic as far
as bonding,
especially, you know, whether it's monogamy or polygyny,
but definitely
especially polygyny because, you know, that's it's a
type of it's a it's a subject that
is not giving
being given the attention
that it needs.
And, you know, you can get books anywhere
and everywhere on how to connect and bond,
you know, in your marriage. But when it
comes to co wife, bonding,
and polygyny,
you were Scary.
How to work that out Mhmm. Is, you
know, Q and
So
yeah. So well, we're gonna dig deep on
that, Sunday,
in our, RMIC, our relationship mastery inner circle.
But one of the things is releasing these
preconceived ideas and thoughts and possible insecurities
Yeah. Because
we may have this this idea or this
feeling like, okay. Well, this person is this
is what they let let for example,
I think I knew I my coworkers had
so much stuff going on. I'm like, I'm
a learn this. I'm a do this. I'm
a fly. I'm a my sister. All this
other stuff. You bring one set up. However,
after, like, the
marriage and everything like that,
it it got to the point where
the realness kicked in about That's right. They
known each other for 4 you know, since
they were 14 years. They got these diff
you know, these kids together. It's these different
things that you these insecurities that come up
like, well, you know what? You know? She
had him his first child, his first son.
They got daughters. All these different things that
people don't understand because they in a lot
of times, they do focus on the first
wife. And I'm speaking from a subsequent wife.
Celebrity
in there. And, but not understanding that there
are insecurities and there's different
ideas and thoughts that, subsequent wife or wife
coming in can feel too. But they don't
say or communicate
because
the outside is saying
you don't have those type of films. You
can't have those films because you knew what
you signed up. Or you don't belong here.
Or whatever. The whole you don't belong here.
Right.
So it gets to the point where you
say, you know what? Then you start feeling
like, well, you know, where do I fit
in in this? You know? Okay. I don't
who do I talk to? Because everybody's saying
that I I shouldn't have have these type
of feelings or I shouldn't feel this type
of way. So it's these different things where
it's like, okay. I have to figure out
if for 1, like, the mind in a
marriage Yeah. That thing. And then to say,
you know what?
I know what I want. I want a
big family. I wanted I mean, you know,
when I say big family, I mean, we're
gonna be one big family. We're gonna be
a family, not just,
you know, co wife will be here, co
wife over there. And it's like, okay. If
this is what I want, how do I
communicate this?
Gotta get out it's it's not
the
most easiest thing to say. Let me be
vulnerable and reach out to this woman to
say Yeah.
Hey. I wanna
establish a relationship with you. You know, I
want us to be, you know, I want
us to be able to
communicate. I want us to be able to
talk. Because when it all comes down to
it, a family
is a family. And when things happen in
the family, ups, downs, highs, lows, whatever,
you wanna be able to share those things
with the people that you love.
Yeah. And that was one of the main
things with me when it came to establishing
a relationship
and to wanting to connect with my co
wife because I'm like, there are kids involved.
I wanna learn something. She's been in this
line for, like,
way longer than me. You know, all these
different things. She knows him better than I,
you know, than I would ever know him.
So it might be some stuff that I'd
be like, what the heck is going on?
And I might need some assistance. And then
it's like another day at the office for
me. Exactly. So it's these different things
where that was, the mindset, you know, and
and a lot of times, it does
It it starts with that mindset. Yeah. And
it's releasing
it's releasing these expectations
Sure. Where it means,
these these different things. It's like not having
these expectations except for I guess, I can't
say no expectations,
but not having,
unrealistic expectations. One of the expectations
to have is saying, you know what?
I'm I expect to learn something from this.
I'm I'm expecting to learn something from her.
I'm expecting to even if there's just to
see where she is in the sit at
the situation or where how she felt about
the situation or anything like that. And can
we move forward in growing
as a team? And it's not gonna always
be cut and dry, hunky dory sunshine and
rainbows. But
can we if we need to take a
break from that, because you're not gonna force
it. Take a break
and come back. Not force it. Can we
come back? You know? You know? Can we
at least say, hey.
Can we just leave it open that, you
know, whenever
you you feel the you know, you feel
Like, you wanna talk. Wanna talk? Hey. I'm
here.
Yeah. Because, you know, with polygyny,
oftentimes,
initial wife will think that
the subsequent wife is
an accessory
for her husband. You know? Like, this has
nothing to do with me. That's something for
him.
That's a family for him. I I need
to stay out of that because society
Islamic society sometimes
depending on where you are can dictate,
oh, you guys are natural born enemies, or
the world will dictate you are natural born
enemies. It depends who the leadership is in
your community. Some people here where we are
won't even perform a polygamous marriage. Right. They're
scared of the blowback or the backlash
to being a part of it it it's
almost like
it's looked at as some type of satanic
ritual
and the fear and the, oh, I can't
marry you. You know? It becomes this really
horrible thing, but then that's the narrative left
in the community in which we're in. I
can speak about this community. I've not traveled
overseas.
I've been as deep as Mexico.
But I know everybody's experience is not the
same, and we are reverts to Islam. So
there's no auntie. There's no,
my mother-in-law
can she's no joke. Like, she's not interested
in Islam at all. You know? So I
don't go talk to her about polygy
because I already know how she feels about
it. So I don't need to to guess.
So another thing with connecting with your coag
is giving yourself permission to,
and
don't care about what somebody else thinks about
what you
your communication is. So I don't go around
this town and ask people, what do you
think about me talking to my coworker? They're
gonna go faff me. You never asked me
about permission
to do anything else. Why are you asking
me permission to get to know another Maslima?
Now if we take away the fact I
remember when we first started talking or when
I first started talking to her because she
was always willing
and gracious to do so. I didn't have
anything to say because, again, my thinking is
this wife is for him.
You know? I'm for me. So I just
said, when we do talk, I don't want
our focus to be not here. Because to
me, that's giving him too much power. And
he does not want to be the focus
of our universe.
He I he's never wanted to be the
focus of my universe
because there's other roles to have.
There's other roles to have. There's there's husband,
father, son, brother,
and he was invested hardcore in all those
relationships
that he have. He's the oldest of of
6,
children. So that's a big and you know
that because my coag is the oldest of
9 children. There's a lot of pressure
on the oldest child. So he had other
stuff to do that focused on my world.
You know? So that's that's a big thing.
Don't focus on the judgment of other than
what people think of you if you talk
to your co wife because you were fine.
You start talking to your co wife and
you start chumming around and going to stores
and stuff, you will find that some people
will walk out of your life. We have
been uninvited to Iftar.
Yeah. Because our husband married again. The Iftars
we were invited to
12 years ago, 11 years ago, 10 years
ago, we have never been to in 10
years
because the polygyny bug might just
rub off or jump onto
their husband,
and that is the truth of the matter.
That's one of the things we say was,
what do you think about us is none
of our business?
That's kind of the the long and Right.
And the short of it. Wait. Yeah. It's
like because Agree. You're gonna all you know,
you're gonna all you're gonna have your thoughts.
Thoughts. You're gonna it's it's just what it
is. So whatever you think about us is
none of our business. We don't hold our
breath on it. Right. We're gonna still do
what we're gonna do. And, you know, what
we do is
what we do is within the folds of
Islam, and that's all I care about. You
know, we are on that. We've always been
on that where it's like, look.
You know? If a lot don't have a
problem with it, I can care less about
what you think about it. And not to
be mean, but to really keep my sanity.
Because I am a type of person that
I I feed energy. I'm like, I feel
the energy. I can feel the negativity, and
then I will start to
I will start to absorb that. And then
I will start thinking twice about myself. And
then my self my self esteem tanked thinking
about what other people thought about me. And
I'm like, I know I'm a good person.
I know I'm happy. I know I'm this
thing. Why? I mean, I'm I'm this type
of person, but what? And then it got
to the point where I say, you know
what? I gotta stop focusing on what other
people
and I, we talked about that on a
number of occasions where it's like, some of
these people won't even come to your funeral.
Some people and then some of these people
will
won't cry for you. They won't do a
lot of this stuff. Well, you're too busy
worried about what they thinking about you? Come
on. Let's get it together. So yeah. Definitely.
Those are,
you know, the different things. Cowwife has it
so easy, and you have to so you
don't know. Don't assume.
Oh, the next steps. So, yes, our next
steps for you guys.
So we talk about, a number of different
things in our, 5 keys to fulfilling marriage
checklist.
You get that for free,
by signing up at outstanding personal relationships.com.
And, our relationship
Mastery Inner Circle. So everybody who's part of
the salon, who's part of this, this program,
they actually get a discount on our relationship,
Mastering Inner Circle. And we talked about it
throughout the training because this Sunday, tomorrow wow.
Just thought about that. We are gonna be
training on bonding, and we're gonna go deeper
into what that looks like and how to
do that.
And the 3 of us will be training,
and we have our own individual trainings how
we do this. And it's
amazing
how we,
reach out to our RMIC members, our relationship
mastery inner circle members. So, definitely, you get
a a nice discount chunky chunk.
And you can go to outstanding personalrelationships.com/rm.
Your discount code, for the next 7 days
is salon.
So, you know, kinda easy to remember.
So those are pretty much,
that's the the the long and the short
of it. But, yeah, for everybody who attended,
this virtual salon,
that's,
the link that you guys have and the
discount code.
And you wanna connect with us, definitely connect
with us on our IG,
outstanding relationships,
our YouTube, outstanding personal relationships,
and same thing for Facebook. And we have
seriously,
over a 100 hours of of video
and trainees
on our our YouTube channel alone
that,
talks about,
my co wife and I, our first impressions
of each other.
Why you're married to married to married men.
Great. You know, all these different things and
how, you know,
she did a great one about,
meeting my family. I do.
Whatever my work. So so many things. But
we also talk about
communication. We talk about trauma. We talk about,
dealing with, you know,
crisis, all of that. Securities. Insecurities.
So yeah. I mean, it's so so much
so much. And then if you have any
questions,
definitely email us at support at outstanding
personal relationships.com.
I did see some,
some comments or possibly some questions in the
future. Not to cut my cool wife off.
But you guys, it looks weird on camera,
but you'll see me patting much.
I'm wearing a heart monitor,
so
I'm making sure it's still there because it
likes to slip down. So you see me
doing this,
that's what I'm checking for.
Wait. I didn't even see you, sis. Since
I'm like Until you sent it. Myself in
a viewfinder. So I'm like, doing this. I
was like, what am I doing? Couple questions.
Of course, you can you get this question
a lot. So whatever. You know, the permission
thing. That is just Oh, I missed it.
Thing right there. The wait. Let me see.
Hold on. It's okay. Mister, do you know
what I I'm thinking? Because it's 5:30. Right.
Right. Right. I see it now. At 6.
I think that if we want to dig
deep on polygyny
and the ins and the outs and the
relationship
and the permission and the all of that
stuff, I really think it deserves its own
virtual salon personally. What do you guys think?
Oh,
that's awesome.
Yeah. And I think that we should I
think that we should it deserves its own
in-depth
conversation. Fix this. It's a bit it's a
bad subject.
Yes. It is. We're not gonna get it
all here.
Don't worry. We're gonna bring the brothers and
the sisters for that one, and we will
have a
sha Allah. Panel,
and we will address that inshallah, guys. So
I am literally
taking notes as we speak to because I'm
planning the the sessions for the next 6
weeks. So that is down now
So not to worry, ladies. You will get
your questions answered.
I hope you have
enjoyed this session. Does anybody have any questions
related to the effective communication
aspect before we close-up? Because we've,
it was just really, really
straightforward,
clear,
look at how to communicate more effectively. So
I'm not sure whether anyone has any questions.
I don't know what me a laugh.
You'll have to wait for that. But,
ladies, it's been amazing having you.
Thank you so much. Thank you. And, may
Allah continue to bless your family and the
work that you're doing.
Guys, we will put all these details, these
contact details in the Facebook and email it
out to you as well. Insha'Allah.
Follow them, share their work, get in touch
with them if you wanna work with them
more closely, join their programs.
This is some of the just amazing,
the amazing
wealth of experience and wisdom that we have
at our fingertips in the community. So
let's make the most of it. Nobody has
to suffer alone because
now everybody has you know, I just feel
like
anything that sister or brother is going through,
now we have people who are ready and
willing to help you. So don't suffer in
silence.
Don't, you know, sit there thinking you're the
only one going through what you're going through.
Reach out and get help. Okay?
And make sure you guys are always
practicing GLC.
Make sure you are growing intentionally,
loving fearlessly, and connecting at a higher level
every single day. I love that.
Ladies, we're gonna wrap up now.
Please get your little break. Get some water.
Get some tea. Get some coffee. Aunty
will be here in half an hour.
Ladies, if I can take back if you
can make me the host again so that
I can,
close out the video,
that will be good.
Alrighty.
Fantastic.
Okay. See? Then I can stop the recording.
And, JazakAllah, thank you so much to you,
sisters, your family for their support. To all
the VIPs and patrons, we loved you. And
everybody else who is here, who bought tickets,
we love you as well. May Allah reward
you all.