Living Islam – Marriage, Making and Living it #09

salam ala here at 100 Robben Island

Salatu was Salam ala Shara philam, via even more city.

So Allah Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah, he was happy as Mary

Amin

I'm about to

my brothers and sisters, we are looking at

the issue of marriage. And in our series of lectures on leaving Islam

the

question that people ask, you know, they say what is the secret of marriage.

And, to me that there is no secret, the secret of a good marriage is mutual respect.

Please notice, I'm not even saying love. Because to me Love is a result, it is the outcome of respect.

You cannot love somebody you don't respect. Talking about human beings, when you love your dog or your cat, you don't necessarily respect your dog. But in terms of human relationships, if you do not have respect for a person, then it is not possible to love that person.

And that is the reason why it's important to have respect of each other of the spouses.

Now, this is not a not a one way street, you can't force your spouse to respect you, you can

do things and you can behave in ways where respect is inspired and engendered in the heart of the spouse.

So respect is inspired, it is not enforced.

I'm not talking about signs of respect, because this is something which we see in many cultures,

whether it's in organizations, whether it's in families and so on, where

people have different ways of showing respect, early signs of respect. So, you say a salon first you stand up, you raise your hand to your forehead like that, or whatever the case might be, these are all signs of respect, these can be enforced, I mean, you can have because of social pressure, because of

you know, family customs and traditions and whatnot,

these are

things which

which can be forced,

but what is in the heart cannot be forced. And signs of respect, which are enforced almost an almost always on I don't even use the word almost always, if you try to force it, then you will find that actually, in fact, the person learns to hit does not learn to love. Because nobody likes for something to be enforced.

I remember

several years ago, in my business consulting practice, in my family business practice, I was speaking to a young guy, who was the sound of the family, he was a grandson.

And

he was a third generation coming into this as a father, the father was the his grandfather was the founder. A second generation was his father and uncles, and this guy was a third generation.

And he says to me, and so, he was going to one very rebellious phase, and he, you know, literally sort of was almost against everything, which the founder wanted to do, and he made a lot of sense, I mean, not that everything is said was,

was reasonable, or that it should have been addressed in that manner, but much of what he said was reasonable, but there was not how

the old man was seeing that there is not how the grandfather thing was, he had the authority.

So

he,

so I was not arguing with him, but I was trying to explain some things to him.

And he told me, he said, you know, the,

the person that you call by name, because he's your contemporary and he's your friend.

I have to touch his feet. When I go home.

There's a Hindu families and this is why this is our tradition. He said I have to touch his feet. And the way he said that I have touch his feet, was also full of resentment and so full of anger. That I thought to myself then what is the good of touching the feet? Because

you know, I mean, there is no love in that touching the feet. There is no respect

There's no genuine genuineness in the touching of feet. So enforcing it because of social customer, and so on. So what really didn't achieve anything for the business founder for the head of the family, that he probably thought he was a TV. Now it's not that he was forcing this boy to this young man to touch his feet, this was the this is the culture. So this is what he was doing. He knew he had to do it, if he didn't do it, you know, that would be seen as very disrespectful. And he probably faced a lot of flack from everybody else. So he's taking the easy route, easy route out,

I say, Okay, so there's some one more meaningless ritual that I have to get through. So he gets through it. But there is no,

there's no respect, there is love that that is associated with that.

Now, between between spouses, you may not have touching the feet, kind of customer, I'm just giving you this as an example. But the key thing is to generate that respect to have that respect.

Now, the way to have respect is quite clearly, both with love and respect, you cannot love somebody you don't know. And you cannot respect somebody you don't know. And it's amazing how people can be married for, you know, many, many years. And they really don't know each other.

Like the, the physical aspect of the value doesn't ensure that you know, the person as a human being as a person

onto the line, what do they dislike?

What are the genuine interests? What's really in the heart? What is their passion about life? How would they like to remember after they pass away? What is the legacy, and none of this is rarely known and shared by the two spouses. And the biggest reason for that is that there's a lack of conversation, there is no talking, there is no conversation about any of these things.

The conversation if you if you had to, you know,

install cameras in the house and videotape that the conversation is almost 100%, the conversation is purely transactional. Do you do that? Did I do that? You get this? Did you get that? And so on and so forth. This has to be fixed that so it the whole conversation is almost purely transactional. Obviously, you must have transaction conversations, if there are transactions happening, you need to

know what's happening and follow up and so on. But if that is the only conversation which is happening, then really, do you have a wife? Or a husband? Or do you have a an employee that you're talking to? Is it a boss employee compensation? Or is it a husband wife condition, some of you might be laughing and saying, so what's the difference, but you know, jokes apart, the point I'm making is that unless you have meaningful conversation, which relates to

the individual

who cannot know them, and if you don't know them, you can love them and you can respect.

Second thing is that in these conversations, another thing which I've seen is, even if the conversation begins, very quickly, it degenerates into

good and bad, right and wrong.

Trying to enforce your ideas, and your worldview and your concepts onto the other person, and not accepting that other person. And what they think how they think,

not accepting any of those things, but rather trying to enforce your

vision and your understanding. Again, that's, that's a it's really a sabotaging of the Gooding good intentions and sabotaging of the potentially good things that could have happened or come out of that conversation. Because if we nobody likes to adjust, and if every time we have a conversation, if it's going to be like, you know, teacher and student, and so, oh, this is what do you think? No, no, that is wrong. This is how we should think, then there is no composition in it, we'll dive in it very quickly, even if somebody is interested enough to start it very quickly that that enthusiasm will be killed and that conversation will be finished.

So it is extremely important to have these conversations and to

talk as equals without the need to enforce your worldview on the other person. I have a rule and I rule is that unless it is something which is against the Sharia,

right if either of the spouses are doing something

which is haram, which Allah Mountain is prohibited. For example, if it's a matter of prayer and say, Well, you know, this person, my husband doesn't pray, my wife doesn't pray, then there is a big problem. But other than matter of the Sharia, if the if the person, if the husband or the wife, if they are thinking if they are working, if they're doing some things, which are, you know, as per their own likes, and so forth, and they don't violate the laws of the Sharia, then the best thing to do is to leave them alone and accept it and let them live their lives.

They have a right to live their life the way they want to. And as long as that way is not against the Quran and Sunnah. Leave them alone, let them live like that. Why would you want to change it?

Because if you want to change it then what it really means is that for you living by the Quran, sunnah is not enough there to live by the Quran and Sunnah. And you

know, that is that is a, you know, intrinsically problematic

thing by itself. So leave them alone.

Some of these things are very basic, for example, what have you wake up in the morning and so if you don't make up for Salado, Pfizer, if you're not praying for it, then there's a problem. But as long as you're praying for that somebody wants to sleep late.

And so forth. I mean, I don't want to make a list of all the things, but very, very important to develop respect for one another. That is the

so called Secret.

Second one is do senseless acts of kindness.

senseless act of kindness, what I mean by that is that don't do something because

it is her birthday, or it's an animal might have marriage anniversary, or it is a or something, no,

just do something because you love her. Do something because you love him.

So give gifts and flowers and sweets,

not bunch of bananas,

and not on birthdays, and anniversaries and so forth. And this is mechanical and with things like Outlook and Google Calendar and so on. You don't even have to remember it anymore. It just pops up. And believe me, they also heard you also know it. So if somebody is today this is a unfortunately sad thing. Because today, earlier if somebody sent you a greeting, then you felt happy that also remembered my birthday. But today is a people stranger send you in LinkedIn is a is a absolute joke as far as this is concerned. Because on my body, I get like Guy, probably as many. Not as many, but a lot of the people who are on my LinkedIn, many of them I've never seen them in my life. I don't

even know how they got there. But they were happy about them.

And not even my net. Happy birthday. So this is the the

this is the funny thing. I mean, no. So I don't even I don't even respond because I don't think they even expected response. Because you don't even know the person using it. Okay, so as you said, but as far as

spouses and suara conservator, it's not a matter of you know, I forgot the word. Forget this.

The machine give gifts throughout the year right forget about the machine was designed to give gifts throughout the gift gifts because you love the person you'd like to see them happy. And also the Muslims and give gifts to each other. Because it

increases the love in the heart, foreigner. Now each other he's talking about generally to whoever any other brother Muslim, man or woman, but here we are talking not about any other Muslim, we are talking about your spouse. So your spouse has even more right to get gifts from you than anybody else.

So give gifts

Now again, this doesn't have to be a big thing, right? You don't have to buy the Mercedes and buy feel free if you want to do that, but you don't have to buy them big things, it can be a small thing, just a matter of saying that I thought of you i you i remember to so can be a small thing cannot it might mean it might not even be something that you have to go to a shop to buy

this you pick up something which is which is you know, a flower from somewhere or a nice little rock that you went somewhere. Oh, you know, this little rock

is so nice. You know, I know you like this, whatever it is that they like the key thing is to

show and demonstrate that you are that this person your spouse is not far away from your thoughts, that you are not lost in your thoughts and not not lost with your friends and whoever you were with, but that your spouse was part of was was with you in memory and in spirit

especially if you have been traveling and you've been away for a while, make sure that you

give gifts. And these are the the gifts or the adhesive of a good marriage. The key to it remember in all of this is there must be something that you are sharing with your spouse a low

gift, wrap the article, tie a ribbon, put a perfume on it, announce it with flowers, use your imagination to make it special.

It's not about the article, it's about creating memories.

A gift is not one you pull out a sack of gifts for the whole family. No, it's something that only she gets only he gets. It's something she gets when there's no reason for it. It's something that she got, which nobody else when nobody else did,

knew, it's the exclusivity of it will use the message to say that you are special. And that applies Of course, you are special meaning man or woman, that whether the wife is giving it to the husband or the husband, or the wife, you want to say and show that I want you to know that you are very special you are unlike

anybody else.

So give with a with an open heart. Men like gives women like gifts, everybody like give likes gifts, so give it to the opener,

and other one is playing.

We say couples that play together stay together. That's the that's the problem. And I want to add to that and say that couples that pray together stay together. One of the most beautiful I had the service of Salah, he said that Allah Subhana Allah loves the man who wakes up for the Hadith and wakes up his wife. And Allah loves the woman who wakes up with a hijab and makes him a husband. And he said that if the husband or the wife have difficulty waking up, then sprinkle a little water on their face. But make sure that they wake up

right now

to praying together and said don't make the house into a graveyard meaning that you go to the masjid for your Salah. But nobody prays in the house No Let the let the family that the wife pray in the house. Take small children along with you and pray along with them. And even the husband I'm not saying don't go to the budget for for Salah by all means go to the budget for for the for Salah when we come back home, but in our field pray the sun. So now at home, there is more value and more It's worth more paying the sun at home than praying this or not in the masjid.

So, we come back to the issue of playing together, doing things together, you know, your, any games and entertainment sightseeing holidays, do them together.

Even if you think of

even even if you go somewhere where you know you have an interest which you don't share with a spouse, and overall and let them go you go with them, let them go and do what they want to do you and do what you want to do. But go together, travel together, stay together.

You know, also try to generate and develop an interest common interests. You don't have to be as passionate about as the other person but genuinely interested in what's wrong with being interested in you and you don't have to an expert to that.

So and then communicate this genuine interest. So it's

it's something which again, generates the whole idea is to create an atmosphere of togetherness in which there is meaning for each other.

Now, playing also is you know it's a

it can actually be actually played for example, you can play tennis together, play golf together and so on. But don't make it don't make that play into a competition because that defeats the purpose of the whole thing.

Because at the end of the day, you want to see a smile on the face of the other person. Not you know you're not winning a battle on the tennis court or the of the golf course. So

it is something that that you need to be thinking about. Be be genuine. If you really don't like something don't do it and say it nicely politely but don't do it. Because the cosmetics while no plastics vials are detectable a mile away and they don't impress anybody.

Performance is not the key everywhere and one place where it is not is in a marriage. The performance appraisal for a marriage is a joint statement, which spells successful divided not of your personal performance. Otherwise it will be like saying operation successful but the patient is dead. In our fast paced lives today. We don't have the time to simply be as another fantastic thing. It's one of the signs of a good relationship that you can be together

Without talking, there should not be a need to constantly go, you know, cap.

Just being together, just looking at the scenery together, enjoying one another one another's company together, not each one in their phone or anything, please understand that we're not talking about each other. If two of the two people are together, and you know, there you are in your screen, and she's in your in her screen, that you're not together,

she is with, with whoever it is on the screen, and you are with words on your screen. So being together, throw away the phones, we're talking about being together, not in the phones. But

another another beautiful thing is to read together. So you have a you have a book, he has a book, and maybe the same book, maybe two different books, and you read together and you talk about what you read, newspapers, read together, you are maybe you read the newspaper and tell her she reads and tells you what is happening in the world, and so on the trouble of reading it yourself. So all of these things, anything that you do, that you must be able to do together, meaning that time and energy and attention must be in it. And with each other.

Just being physically two bodies in the same room doesn't count.

So watching television together doesn't count. Unless you're watching something in which both of you are interested in you will be discussing it as long as television while the biggest useless thing that sometimes which which also, you know, destroys marriages,

don't keep on looking for results for everything. What did I get out? Because that's very stressful, and it's detrimental to a marriage. A marriage is for sukoon, for tranquility, for harmony, peace. And many times this translates to is being together without any so called results.

So keep thinking of that. Fourth question which I was asked is, How can you try and make an unhappy marriage a happy one? Now, this is a tough one. Because there's a free clause to it. Once you satisfy that pre clause, then it's very easy. And the free clause is do you really want it to happen?

Do you really want to make an unhappy marriage into happiness?

Now, you may you may, it may sound strange to you. But I've seen many years of counseling, that all the failures that I saw, were because the partners did not really want to make it work. So when somebody comes to me and says, you know, this is what's happened in my marriage, and I want your help, I tell them, first and foremost,

ask yourself, do you really want this to work.

Because if you've already decided that this is gone, and you are looking for a divorce, and you're going through this only for the motions, then don't, don't bother, go very diverse. Don't waste my time, don't waste your time. Because going through the motions of something is not going to help you. I am genuinely interested. Because if you're genuinely interested, then you will have to do things which will make you uncomfortable.

Your marriage didn't get to the stage, just like that, by itself. You did many things, and your wife or your husband, whoever it was other the other spouse also did many things which you should not have done. Now you have to undo all that. That's not easy. But it is doable. But it will happen only if you really wanted to have not unless.

And I've seen as I said in, in my many years of counseling that all the failures were because the partners did not really want to make it work.

They were not sincere, they were merely going through the motions with the idea of satisfying themselves to others that they made the effort. Now that's a lie, because they never made the effort, the action of drama, with a with a precluded ending the new husband, how this is good and, and he is going through the motions. So they didn't make an effort. Don't even fool yourself. But once you're sincere about turning things around, then you need to sit down and write down all that you like about your spouse. And we're showing us some steps. So you decide how you want to change how things are. So sit down and write down all the things that you like about your spouse, remember,

these are the things that you liked enough to marry them. So what were they? What were these things? Then when you have your list, you write down the problem areas on the paper. What are the problem is usually that works like magic. Marriages go bad most often because we don't appreciate the good enough and are not thankful for the app.

And we focus purely on the negative things. So I asked the two part spouses do this. Write down all the things that you liked and on the back of the thing, write down your problem areas and then exchange these sheets of paper.

You read what's your return sheet

Got, you have it.

You know, sometimes people ask this question. They say, Well, what is the point of being positive?

We always say be positive, no matter what the situation be positive, how will it change the situation on the ground? It won't, right? There is something which is happening on the ground, you're being bothered or having to, you're being positive will not or I let me say, may not, most of the time, it doesn't change the actual situation. But what are the change, it changes your changes your approach to that situation, it changes the way you look at a situation, and that changes everything. So the external situation doesn't change, what is internal to changes. Now, what is internal to you is when you are being positive, is you start looking at the

beneficial things, the pleasant things, the positive things in that situation. And there are always no matter how bad the situation is always something in it, which is good.

So, you start looking at those things in the situation, which are good.

Whereas if you are in a negative frame of mind, then you will ignore the good and you will look at only the bad things in that situation. So in a marriage, though, you will see artworks being positive about it, you will appreciate the good things in the marriage. And if you are negative, then you will only look at the faults. So the external situation may not change. You know, whatever your husband or wife is doing will may be the same. But your approach to that will change.

You will get more mellow, you will get more patient, you will get more appreciative, you will express that appreciation more.

And that will change the external situation. So to begin with by being positive, the external situation will not change, but by be continued to be positive.

The response to your positive positivity is that the external situation also will change. So it's very important to

to be positive.

So what are the things that you like about each other?

Marriages go bad most often because we don't appreciate the good enough. And we don't, we don't express that appreciation. And we are not thankful for what we have offered us couples, how many times a day you thank your wife or husband?

How many times did you hug or kiss them? How many times a day to tell them that you love them?

Now again, people don't know Oh, why should I have to say this all the time? And my answer always is this. That Allah subhanaw taala dilla Diller who sees everything knows everything. He himself said, reserve the right, Lane Ceccato as

the one who was the who expresses his tax, the one who is thankful, I will increase my blessing for him, while I uncover the winner, Revelation, and the one who's thankless

that him beware that My punishment is severe. So you are saying about somebody else you're saying about your spouse doesn't you know, doesn't you know, did we doesn't allow

and why the losing tank?

Because

tanking is about yourself. It's not about

Be thankful because this is a reflection of your own self.

It is your duty.

So be thankful for that reason, because it is your duty to which

I was recently in a place and I saw this interaction where

somebody

brought some pizza. And one of the young men who was sitting there

he looked at the pizza which had been brought, and he said,

Oh, there's only cheese and vegetarian.

I mean, he wanted some knowledge to oh, there's only cheese a rooster. Now think about this. Here is somebody who takes the trouble to make this pizza bring it for you.

And you have this comment, or it's only this

the comment factually is correct. There was only cheese a vegetarian.

But what does that do

to that person? What does that show about your own attitude?

It shows that you are you know, ultimately you are a very disgustingly ungrateful rich

because you don't see the fact that somebody went to the trouble of making or buying this pizza and bringing it for you. You don't deserve that.

The person doing you a huge favor by being and showing his respect and love for you

and all you can see is oh what I like is not here absolutely, completely disgusting attitude. Now this if this is the attitude you have believe me your marriage is will get married

they will say to you do not get mad marry a tree or something right Do not waste your time getting married because your wife Cannot your marriage cannot succeed

this attitude has to change

for example, a Surah Surah Salam never criticized food if there was some food which was cooked if he didn't like it indeed he did not eat it but he didn't make a song and dance about he didn't didn't didn't criticize it and how many people the moment the food comes maybe oh you know if there have been a little more salt it would be better I wish were the salt I felt was more a little more sugar in this that the other big problem Oh, my mother did this my mother did that.

Why it is you don't appreciate the fact somebody has gone to the trouble to slot in the kitchen make this food for you.

To that you have a hot meal.

Okay, there's not like what your mother made. If you really like what your mother made so much. Why did you get married go sitting go sit in your mother's house let her go for you all her life.

Really, this is something which is so completely stupid. But the number of times it happens right?

Many people will not appreciate it for them not criticizing equal opportunity. It is not. Please open it up. Just just like you complain every time there is a problem. Make sure that you stop complaining. And you appreciate the good that you get. As far as Ahmed is very clear. He said the one who has not thanking the people has not thanked Allah

has thanked but thankfulness clearly expressed his and often

not once in your lifetime. Clearly explicit and do it

is the lifeblood of a good marriage.

Remember, doing it often is the key every single day, multiple times a day.

Because when things are not going badly, we don't hesitate to say it. So why not when they're going well.

Think about why not when they're going

that's enough for today. We ask Allah subhanaw taala to help us and make our marriages full of fire and Baraka. We ask Allah subhanaw taala to be pleased with you and never to be displeased or some of the holiday we carry while he was together.