Hosai Mojaddidi – Stigma of Divorced Sisters in the Muslim Community & Sanaa Subhani
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AI: Transcript ©
Welcome, everyone. Thank you for coming. So I'm going to everyone
that is joining us via live does aka low credit. And we really
appreciate all of you guys coming out and listening in
smart monitor humidor shopping so they listen to me.
My name is Vanessa pani and I am the founder of with sila
connections.
So I'm you know, today we're just going to talk about a little bit
about what sila connections, sort of my story, the journey into what
sila and how we came about, and what we're doing and what our
hopes are inshallah for, you know, the future of vasila. And you all,
so, let's get started. So, here I have up you know, our website, we
are a nonprofit organization, we started in 2020 2020, right before
COVID. So we were able to start right before COVID. But before I
you know, before I kind of go into who was sila is or what was sila
is I want to tell you guys about me. And so that you guys can go on
this journey with me. And I want to take you on the journey with
with sila. So you can kind of get a feel and picture of how we came
about to this today, really.
So
my name, you know, as I mentioned, my name is Dennis honey, I am a
divorcee. I am a single mom, of four daughters.
And I am a clinical social worker. So mental health, personal
experience all in one.
I got divorced in 2018.
And right before I had gotten divorced
you know, we subconsciously have this, this idea in our mind that
marriage is our is our end all be all. That's what we were raised to
be that we grow up and get married. And that's it, you have
to stay married no matter what.
And towards the last year of my marriage,
I started having those thoughts of
like, this has to work. This has to go, I know what's going to
happen. Who's going to say what, what are people going to say? I
couldn't break free from this ideology that that I'm going to be
divorced.
So, you know, throughout my journey of coming to that
decision,
there was a lot of heartache, a lot of a lot of difficulties, a
lot of shackles in my mind that
I didn't think existed. You know, and I grew up here. You know, I
grew up in California. And so I was someone who didn't care what
people thought I wasn't really interested in how people viewed me
or what I did. But this subconsciously was inside my mind.
And I had no idea until it came time to actually make that
decision.
And so,
you know, I had,
I had a friend, tell me
before you make this decision, make sure you are 200% sure that
the decision that you're making is what you want.
And there isn't that you're going to look back and regret your
decision.
And so I thought about it, I thought about it. And I finally
came to the realization that I did what I could, I did everything I
could do. Therefore this is this is really the only option for me
right now.
And so I decided that the divorce was best.
And everything I feared about people community, what would
people say? How would it be afterwards
didn't actually come to be in a way it didn't it didn't go the way
I thought it was going to go
a hamdulillah Allah smart ALLAH blessed me with with a family that
was supportive on the last module blessed me with a community that
was supportive and allow us what ALLAH blessed me with friends that
were supportive.
And so thus began my journey of being a divorce as a single mom
and a South Asians Basie Muslim. So as you can see all the tattoos
all in one.
So then I you know, I started started where
Working, I started, I started working and I started just going
about my life. And as people started finding out, I got
commentary, like,
why didn't you stay in there? For the sake of your kids? Your kids
have a broken home now.
You know, why? Why couldn't you make it work? And just comments
and questions that, honestly, were not appropriate. But under law,
you know, I was able to talk to people about that. And soon, a lot
of other people started coming up to me, and talking about their
stories, and their journey.
You know, I had a friend who came up to me and said, they were
raised by a single mother, I had many other single parents that I
formed a relationship with that talked about some of the things
that I necessarily didn't go through. But I understood, I had,
I had friends tell me that the single parents say that
we get shunned by the community, everyone looks at us as where you
don't belong. And,
and they would talk about how their families were not willing to
take them back, they would talk about their parents, who just
didn't want anything to do with them, because they were divorced,
or that they were deciding to leave, or that they were in an
abusive marriage, and they just, they just, they couldn't, they
couldn't continue, yet their families turned away from them.
And a lot of the things I heard at that point was that if you're
going to leave your marriage, you better come
as a dead person.
These are hurtful comments. A lot of the women that I was talking to
some of them attempted to commit suicide.
Some of them had to raise their own children without their
families around without any support.
Some of their friends of these woman turned their backs on them.
You know, and it was heartbreaking. said how can we?
How can a community that once was their friend their How can a
family that love them, then married them off, that honored
them, just dishonor them over over a marital status.
So a lot of I was hearing a lot of that. And a friend came up and
said, you have to do something about it. At that time, I, you
know, I was working. I was
I was you know, working and trying to you know, grow grow my career
and, and figure out what what could be best for the community at
that time. And I didn't, I didn't think too much about having this.
Or even or even, you know, creating an organization by any
means.
I then went to a UN I kept I kept getting pushed and you know, said,
Hey, let's let's do something, let's do something. And I said,
you're not familiar, we have so many organizations in the Bay Area
we have so much. I don't want to reinvent the wheel.
And then I went to a conference, I went to a conference that in that
conference
with Nick Amani was speaking. And he said something so profound,
that I realized that we just do not have that anymore in our
community. And that was that wherever the Prophet sallallahu
Sallam went, he created a community. What is the community
mean? Not just people living side by side, not knowing what's
happening, but a community a body of people that came together and
helped one another in their most difficult time of need.
Where was everybody?
That was a solidification in my heart that I said, Okay. That's
what we don't have. That's what I'm going to create inshallah.
And thus, the journey was sila started.
Now, I got together with a couple of people. And we, we talked about
what is it that we can do for the Muslim community? How can we help
the Muslim community? I mean, we, there's so much need in the
community, you know, it's not it's one thing, it's another thing and
it just all these things. It's like, well, what can what is
what's going on in our community that no one has talked about?
Nobody has touched. And lo and behold, the divorce community, the
divorce, the separated the widows, all of them were not in the
spotlight.
So we
So that's it. That's, that's what we're going to do. We're going to
focus on that, what does that look like?
So, when we were coming up with, with the name was sila is want to
want to talk about what the definition of a ceiling means.
Well sila means a means of getting close to Allah.
And
just I want to I want to give sort of a quick definition
linguistically what what the meaning of vasila actually is.
So, we'll see what was derived from the Quranic verse mentioned
in sort of five I had 35, where Allah subhanaw taala commands us
towards the fear of Allah and to seek a with sila to gain closeness
to him and strive in the path of Allah, if you wish to be
successful.
With sila spelled with the scene is derived from the word was sila
which means to Make effort to become close to someone.
Relationships are important at Mozilla connections. And honoring
the relationship that Allah smart Allah informed us to honor is of
the utmost priority in the era of abuse and oppression.
Interesting in love with sila spelled with Assad refers to
becoming close to someone in an absolute sense, whereas with sila
with the scenes means to seek gain nearness with longing and love.
So in essence, what sila connection strives to help build,
rectify, maintain healthy relationships with others so that
all of these become our sila to building a relationship with our
Creator, our Sustainer.
And this commentary vasila was taken from Monaco Khurana bhakti
chakra Shafi Rahim, Allah
that, you know, what's amazing is that what sila is also translated
due to divorce as the act of seeking, you know, closeness, but
we seek helping others as a means of ourselves gaining closeness.
And so with what sila were a means to want to create more ease for
those that have been forgotten, or that those that have been
neglected.
And so that's, that's really what was sila means. And when I heard
it, I said, That's it. That's what it is, we're going to be a means
of ease to those that are going through a hardship time we are
going to be that collective community that strives to build
such a movement that doesn't leave anyone behind and helps them
through their difficult times.
And what
what sad is, saddens me is that, yes, the divorce, and the
separating the widows are often forgotten, unfortunately.
Now,
although our primary audience is for divorce, and separated widows,
it's not. It's not just divorce, it's, we want to, we want to look
at this in a more holistic way. And when I say holistic, although
our focal point is divorce, it goes beyond that. It goes before
that, where you're struggling in your marriages, or you're
struggling with something in your life. So the marital aspect, and
then it goes even beyond before that, which is struggling before
getting married, maybe there's something happening there that you
are struggling with. And then even before that, individually, what
are you doing as an individual? How can we support you as an
individual, because with all of these labels, married, divorced,
separated with all these labels, we are not defined by labels.
Therefore, we want to move away from that definition.
And then even after that post divorce, what can we do to help
support after you've gone through it?
And then even after that, and it goes deeper into how can we bring
the community involved in it. So just multiple layers of who we
want to encompass.
So that's really the essence of who we are as a sila, how we came
about. We are you know, we have our nonprofit status. And we went
ahead and did some programming over the last two and a half
years. And some of the programming that I have placed up here is
we've done co parenting series. I think it's very important that you
do get divorced those that have kids that are single moms, single
dads, that you now have to take a look at
Your relationship not as a spouse, but as a partnership so that your
children can thrive. Because children are also part of this.
And they are often also neglected in this process.
We've have we've had
other events such as a Ramadan Ramadan event we have if DARS we
have E program, ie the gift basket program for our divorcees and
separating widows and their children. We started a clinical
therapy practice, we provide therapy virtually, we also have a
religious consultation model where you get access to Allama I know
sometimes it's really hard to reach out to the Allamah. And you
know, and Michelle as well on your Alma or Alomar trying to do their
best and, and and try to get to everybody we know, you know,
sometimes, you know, sometimes it does get hard to get back so we
have direct access to that. We have parent consultations. We have
a board certified behavior analyst Center team that provides parents
with consultations Because oftentimes, as single parents, we,
our children ask us questions or our children are behaving in a
certain way that it's really hard to, to navigate because we
ourselves are going going through an emotional turmoil, that we also
have to take care of our young ones as well. So really, that's
there to support that process, too. We've had community events,
we've had socials and the socials, we've, in the past, we've done a
social we've had 200 women and children come out. Because really,
the idea behind Mozilla is to create a collective community
create a movement that you find support with one another. You you
have, you have support with each other. Because women we need to as
women and men and women, everybody we need to create a village. What
does that village look like if we ourselves as women are not coming
together for each other?
So we have community events we've have premarital. We have
premarital workshops. I also we also do support groups for single
moms and divorced women. And we also do support groups for
divorced men.
Yesterday, we actually, we actually had a event for the
brothers who we did a brother's bonfire and the topic was the
manliest. Man. We want to cultivate that. That definition of
what does it mean to be a man and through the Sunnah of the Prophet
SAW Selim? What does it mean to be a real man in this day and age? So
we recently have that and then we also have a lot of other
workshops. You know, we have multiple workshops that we plan
out throughout the year. And so you know, in Ramadan, we have a
worship with us campaign that we do Ramadan if stars and one on one
guidance support Chela, we're going to be having that because I
know a lot of the times when we're going through the situations, who
do we go to? Who do we talk to? I know a lot of women tell me that.
It's really hard to talk to someone who hasn't gone through
this. And I understand. I understand completely, that when
you reach out to someone, you feel like, do they really know what I
feel? Do they really understand? And they really be there for me?
That's a hard question to ask when you're when you're needing that
someone.
I know a lot of women talk to me about feeling isolated. And that's
what our community events are meant to do is to break that
isolation is to recreate that no, you don't need to go through this
by yourself. No, you don't need to face people that have this idea
that they want to shun you know, that is not us, that is not our
Ummah, that is not what we are supposed to be here on earth for
our profit. So awesome, gave us the perfect role model, the
perfect guide to how we should be with each other. And that is what
was sila connections aims to be is to make sure we build those
connections. And we come together and maintain those connections, no
matter what difficulty we are going through.
So
yeah, so what we're going to do is we're going to keep a questions
towards the end because we want to honor the space. We are on the
last one we are live streaming and we want to give you guys the
privacy and security so we will we will have q&a at the end inshallah
that's okay.
And those that are live streaming, you know, those that are on our
page, please, you know, ask questions so that we can you know,
definitely get to that as well. But this is essentially the heart
of heart of us right now. Like I said, I want to go away but I
can't do everyone. Mashallah, what an What an honor.
are to have all of you here. I'm really just so moved by this
beautiful space. And I want to credit my dear sister center for
all of her work all of her efforts, all of the time that
she's put into this incredible organization, which I really am
looking forward to even hearing more about in her closing remarks.
But really, may Allah reward you sign up for all the work that
you're doing, to bring all of us here together and all of you as
well, I know, I've heard mashallah, from some of you that
you've come from as far as San Francisco, San Bruno, and I'm sure
other places and we will continue with the introductions, we will.
Inshallah, I'm not going to talk too long, I just wanted to, again,
show support because this, this type of work is so necessary for
those who don't know the handle, I'm part of the Bay Area community
here at MCC, I offer Hello classes and classes regularly. I meet with
sisters all the time. And it's actually the largest demographic
that I work with. for over 25 years, I've facilitated Hello
classes in the Bay Area and in Southern California. And I've
always seen that this particular demographic, this group of sisters
who are have come out of a marriage and have suffered all of
the inequities and the stigmas and all of the just the terrible
things that we've we know exists, and we are inshallah going to do
everything in our power to overcome that they come to those
spaces looking for healing, looking for support looking for
community as your center spoke about, but oftentimes, they don't
really feel like other people understand, right their
circumstances. So that's why having
an organization like Lucila, dedicated solely to serving the
needs of this demographic, and also the the needs of the
children, for example, and other family extended family members who
are also support systems for, for the sisters and brothers who are
who've come out of divorce is so, so critical. So I just was so
honored by the invitation to participate, and really happy to
have all of you here.
You know, as I mentioned, my work with women, over 25 or so years
ago, I, you know, began as an art a female organizer for some of the
organizations here in the Bay Area. And that kind of turned into
this role in the community that I didn't, I'm not I wasn't certainly
qualified for because I was young, and I didn't really have any
expertise. But I think because the the stigma, not just around
divorce, and the topic of divorce, but really mental health issues,
and any type of those types of issues was so common and
prevalent. We didn't have the amount of now, like we do now,
right? We have much almost on therapists, we have entire
agencies, we have so much more now. So we've definitely built a
lot of infrastructure over these 20 or so years. But back then we
didn't have that. So I kind of ended up finding myself because I
was visible in the community, people could recognize me, as
someone who was volunteering and working, I would, you know, be
approached by sister some I knew some I didn't know, seeking
advice, you know, they were struggling in their marriages,
they were struggling with, you know, the day to day, but also
with the heavy questions like, should I stay? You know, how can I
get out? What am I going to do? What about my children? So those
types of questions. And I was, you know, in my 20s, I didn't like
have a lot of life experience. But I think the, the ability, or the
role that I was able to, to offer at that time was to be an
empathic, you know, you're to just listen. And sometimes that's the
best thing that we can offer, right, is to be there to look at
someone, you know, even if we don't know every detail of their
life, but to have that heart connection, which is much of what
our dear sister was able to demonstrate for us, like the
hearts were just immediately opened, right, which is one of the
amazing. If you look at the research about women, when women
come together in healing spaces like this, even without words
exchanged, our oxytocin levels go up, which is the feel good
hormone, all of our stress levels go down. We don't have to talk. We
just sit here in silence and smile at each other. And there'll be
healing. So imagine taking it to the next level, where you actually
look at someone and say, I see you, you may feel invisible, right
to everyone else. You may be hidden, because as Senator knows,
as all of us know, who've been down this road before, oftentimes
you feel like you are hidden, right? People don't want to
associate with you. They don't want to tell your story, or you to
tell your story. They want to silence you, right. So to come
into a space where it's like you are center stage, we want to see
you we want to hear you, your needs matter to us and we want to
try to find a way where we can support you
and fulfill those needs for you, whatever we can do whatever we
can. And so, and Hamdulillah, you know that at that point, though,
as I said, when I was on this path of my own,
I wasn't, there weren't these types of services, so I just kind
of ended up having that role. And then it kind of word started
spreading, and I ended up having this, you know, reputation as a
counselor, although I'm not and I always try to tell people, I'm not
a certified qualified counselors, just, you know, the NOC has so,
you know, that's, that's about where I started ended up
counseling, you know, you can just be a sister to someone, or a
brother, but
what people didn't know is during that time of me, supporting a lot
of people with their relationships, not just marriage,
home life, many things, but mainly marriage was it I myself was going
through a very difficult marriage.
And, you know, it was years of doing this work and kind of having
a reputation, but at the same time, simultaneously hiding my
secret, right, my big secret that my own home was, was broken, my
own home was, didn't feel like a home actually just a house, right
didn't feel like a home, it didn't feel like a, you know, something
that I was, was proud of, or I was, you know, feeling safe. And,
and so I kind of sought out
community work as a way to cope with my own issues and my own
private life. You know, it was for me doing Dawa being, you know, in
the service of the community, learning Hamdulillah, we had the
opportunity to learn from some of the great teachers in the bay.
That was, for me a way to cope with what I was struggling with in
my own relationship. And one of the beautiful things that I will
always look back at. And I am so filled with gratitude to Allah
subhanaw taala, when I look at that eight year period of of
hardship, because some of the most beautiful relationships I have
with sisters came out of that. And in the last two years of my
previous marriage, I was about to a year and a half, two years, we
did work like this, but not in this professional established way.
We were just get together as sisters who were divorced or
thinking about divorce or struggling in their marriage. In
homes, we would just get together and facilitate conversations and
listen to one another. And the healing that came from those
circles. I know, I remember, I had testimonies right in front of me
of sisters, who were struggling with suicidal ideation, who had
all of these really dark thoughts, but just weekly or monthly,
however, often we were meeting, knowing that they could come to a
place and have non judgement. Nobody's trying to judge. Nobody
needs to nobody's, you know, expecting you to tell them
anything. You share what you want, right? It's your story to tell,
however way you want to tell it, if you want to tell it. But
there's no presumption, there's no pre judgment, which is
unfortunately the case often right where people hear of the divorce,
and immediately rushed to assume that somehow there was a failing.
And who does that land on most often than not, right? The women,
right? It's the woman who couldn't keep her husband happy, the woman
who couldn't keep her home, running, completely denying or
neglecting the fact that it takes two people Subhanallah to make a
home. And if one is not just you know, neglecting, but in addition
to that, abusing, let's still blame the woman, it's we've got so
much work to do, which is why again, this work that Michelle
center is doing is so essential, and we really as a community have
to support it, and it starts right here. And the fact that you all
came is just such an amazing, real, you know, great step towards
what inshallah I know, her vision, I've I've had beautiful
conversations with her. She's a visionary, mashallah, and she, you
know, there's people who talk, there's a lot of people who do a
lot of talking, and I'm sure we know, you know, people who always
have ideas, you know, like, oh, well, the Masjid needs more of
this. And the Muslim community doesn't have enough of this. And
there's always complainers and people who are just, you know,
armchair, you know, spectators or activist, whatever they call them,
but they're just sitting in their comfortable homes willing to
criticize everybody. And then there's doers. There's people who
actually say, You know what, there's something that's needed
and, and I need to get my hands into it. I'm willing to roll up my
sleeves and get in there and do the work of my show. That's why
again, you know, we have to support this organization because
she's done so much of the legwork to, I mean, have you heard I've
never heard of another organization that serves only
sisters who've gone through divorce and brothers too, right?
We have to reiterate that it's for for all it's
Not one or the other, but predominantly, it's serving women
and children, right? And so, mashallah, I've never heard of
another organization that was established with that intention.
And that's a beautiful intention. And, you know, I know from the
work that I do with women, this is so needed, I had people reach out
from all over the world asking if this was going to be live
streamed, because they know they don't have support groups like
this in their own cities, in our own state, some in their own
countries. So Alhamdulillah that, you know, we're here for that
intention. We're here because we need to have these conversations
openly. We and this is how we d stigmatize divorce. We don't need
to hide it. To me, I think it's in unbelievable that we live in a
time where people will stigmatize divorces especially, and then
completely overlook the fact that the prophesy centum himself, he,
he divorced, one of his wives, we now have some right. And he took
her back. So what about when she was in that status of divorce?
Right? What did her position or her value change? whatsoever? No,
he took her back his own daughters, right, were divorced,
and he welcomed them back with compassionate mercy. So I always
my kind of question about anybody who has, who somehow, you know,
perpetuates this notion that divorce, you know, kind of brings
people down and arch is like, really? Do you think that you are
above the messenger of allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, you
have no idea. You know, you're it's just ignorance. I think a lot
of it comes from culture, but it's certainly not our deen. And the
only way that we're going to be able to restore the honor that's
given to all believers, regardless of their status. Because this
doesn't, as someone said, these labels don't define us. None of
these labels define us. And, you know, there's so many proofs we
can pull from from this I have yet, you know, there's a theory
I've been saying she, she was, she's known as the wife of the
martyrs, she married five times, to holla fire to some of the
greatest Sahaba she was married, divorced, married, divorced, did
her estimation change in the community? No, the whole up out,
we're marrying her. So this is all, you know, ignorant
conditioning that's come over centuries of cultural ideas being
put on our community. And we as women have to undo that. And the
only way we're going to do that is by telling our stories by coming
together by not hiding behind, you know, not, as long as I've been
speaking, in the community, I've never hid the fact that I was
previously married, I have no reason to hide that. And I know,
unfortunately, sisters who have feel kind of, you know, because
they're afraid of the backlash or afraid of being, you know, treated
a little differently. They kind of hide it. And I'm like, No, that
this is contributing to these stigmas. Why should we be ashamed,
I am nothing to be ashamed about. And hamdulillah with sugar villa,
it's a phase of life that some people go through, and some people
don't. And that's all it is. And nobody should be defined by these
things. And I think the only reason why we're we're coming
together in these spaces is not to emphasize the label. But it's to
say, we have been underserved in our community. And there's a lot
of us that are struggling, especially those who are single,
and who are likely still in court cases, and, you know, challenging,
I mean, having all of those legal fights still ongoing, and then not
having family support, having to go into community spaces and not
feel like the programs have anything to offer to them. This is
not this is no longer tolerable, right, we can't let that continue.
And so that's why mashallah, having an organization that's
already established, it's a 501 C three, we can start to really grow
this organization and you know, call on people to, to support it,
so that we can provide those services right so that Michelle
Cena and her team can provide those services to the community
and come together in these types of healing spaces that again,
restore the the honor that you already have, you have honor
before Allah subhanaw it that you have on your believing women
Inshallah, all of you are, are you know, you're counted amongst the
group that the prophesy said I'm in the, from the beginning of his
mission until the very last words of his last football included as
being the ones deserving protection. So you have to claim
that and that's why and hamdulillah again, I'm just really
excited for the for what's to come, you know, what, what, what
the what the future holds, and I really want so much for all of you
who are watching, for everybody who is here and who wants to
whether you're married divorced doesn't matter. If you recognize
that this demographic
Think has been long this conversation is long overdue, the
services are long overdue, and you recognize the importance of it,
then inshallah we call on you to, you know, to do to support this
work and to, to Inshallah, you know, follow what's the law, you
know, and look into their socials, look at the work and the
programming that they're offering for everybody for the community.
And let's just start having these conversations. And, you know, this
was a, this was kind of like a, you know, it's a meet and greet.
It's like an introduction. But for those of you who are, who came
from far distances, it's gonna get real and a little bit more
intimate once we turn all this off, right. So this is just for,
you know, for everyone else to really, to know about this
incredible organization, and I'm gonna pass the mic back to Senate
because, you know, there's more that she wants to share, and then
Inshallah, we will do those introductions, okay, promise,
we're gonna do those introductions. And maybe we'll
have some chai and some other treats along.
You know, I just want to share this.
You know, there are some people that you meet, that when you're
sitting with them,
and they just make you feel a certain type of way.
Just put this on, I'm not tech savvy.
You know, I had the pleasure of, I'm just gonna share this really
quickly, because I think it is I
think it's important to,
okay, well, I can't, alright.
So, I'm going to share really quickly that, how Allah subhanaw
taala facilitates everything. I mean, I know the sister was
talking about how, from where, you know, she, she, you know, was able
to see us or come to this right. I reached out to her asylum site a
couple of years ago, when I was starting this. And,
and, you know, I, you know, I wanted to reach out and I want to
collaborate, I, you know, I'm all about this idea of, let's hold
hands together, because we can do a lot more together than we can by
ourselves. And Hamdulillah, you know, Allah's timing is the best,
that was not the right time yet. So I continue to do my mission, I
continue to, you know, create programs, do programs reach out to
people talk to them. And then this year, I had the opportunity to
help out another organization and an event earlier this year in
February and, and I saw San Jose there, and I,
and we got we got to talking. And it was, it was like my first like,
we had our we were able to connect. And then I had another
opportunity and we said, you know, yes, let's let's continue
connecting, but of course, it's life gets busy for all of us. You
know, we're like, okay, let's, let's do it. Let's do it. You
know, time goes by, then I had another opportunity with the same
organization to do another event to help out with another event.
And there I was able to, again, connect with San Jose.
And then there was another event, and that I think that event, and
Mozilla recently solidified and we're like, we need to sit down
and talk. And subhanAllah as I was sitting and talking with her, just
her story moved me her, her mission moved me and just what
she's doing what she's done, just it just everything about her just
moved me and I just said come to LA, this was the perfect timing.
This was the timing that we needed to meet. So, you know, never never
underestimate a less marvelous timing. we're creatures of
impatience that we we want things to happen right now, you know,
this, this pain has to go away right now, this this solution has
to come right now. But if everything came right now with a
with a, you know, a snap of a finger, how would we experience
how will we grow How will we understand and break our own
shackles
and you know, I appreciate the satisfy coming and and supporting
this and you know, inshallah many more of you to come and support
our work. So, I just want to really quickly talk about how can
you as an individual, how can you as a community, be a part of this
collective movement that was sila is attempting to create, with the
help of Allah and for the sake of Allah.
You know, one one aspect is the thought process.
D stigmatization, there is so much stigma around this
The tragedy is that recently, I don't know if many of you know but
as the
Death of sister Sonya rocked the community.
You know, yes, it was a murder.
But the tragedy around it was that she had no support. It was the
stigma it was the labels. It was all of that, that led her to be in
isolation. She documented it, and how many more women and men, how
many, how many more women are going through this day in day out
that you do not hear about it, you're not going to hear about it
because they're not. They're not on social media. They're not
documenting it. They're not doing it. They're, they're suffering
silently. And that's why this event is called Breaking bread and
stigma
are forgotten sisters. Because there are so many out there that
are continued to be forgotten. There are so many out there that
are not on the limelight, and don't ever come out in the
limelight. So how can we know? How can we see? Well, what can we do
with those hidden sisters, and this is what we're trying to do.
We're trying to break that and bring them out. Because what she
went through is not just only her that she went through it, a lot of
women go through this every day and out. I have many women that
have come to me, I started a we when we first started with sila we
did a sub in person support group out here in the Bay Area to me
woman showed up 30 women showed up. I myself was shocked. I I
expect to 10 or 12. I said you know shallow maybe there's more
but that many women and many more. Were sharing their stories of
abuse of domestic violence, of emotional abuse many, many
reasons. And even some that just compatibility wise and it's okay.
It's okay, we all rushed the blame somebody else instance I was
talking about, we blame, we want to blame someone we want to hold
someone accountable. But that's not getting us anywhere. That's
just, yes, it's fueling the fire. But what's happening, after some
weeks, the fire dies down. Everyone has now moved on. Because
there's a new, there's a new problem out in the community. Now
there's a new issue, I'm the company and that's fine. I'm the
lead. There's lots of issues happening. But
we again are leaving our sisters behind there again forgotten. And
that's not what our aim is. It's not what our mission is our
mission is to continue to bring it out in the limelight, and continue
to remind people that this is not just an event, this is just not
just a moment of of tragedy, or what have you it is a continuous
issue and a continuous problem until we do something about it.
You know, the stigma just doesn't. You know, we often
we often say that, okay, there's this cultural taboo, and there's a
societal stigma. But as I mentioned earlier, in my my story,
I subconsciously had that stigma upon myself. Although nobody
around me was saying it. Nobody around showed me that. But I
somehow had that in my mind, because that's just how we were
trained. We grow up with certain ideas. My parents didn't train us
that way. But that's just what it was. Because society has an impact
on it, but we see has an impact on us. And so, when we ourselves like
Southside said that, when we label ourselves, we are also part of
that problem. We are also contributing to that stigma,
because we are accepting of that label accepting that that is what
is holding us down. And that is what's continuing. No, we need to
break that within ourselves as well.
So really, our mission is to de stigmatize this. And it starts
with ourselves. Allah subhanaw taala says that he doesn't change
the condition of other people until they change the condition of
themselves. So what does that mean? We start with ourselves, and
then we move to our families, our mothers or brothers or sisters,
or, you know, our cousins or nieces, everybody in the family
unit, because Allah made a family unit to be sacred.
And that bond is so sacred, you know, you hear let us thicker than
water. It's meant to be thicker than water, because we hold such a
significance. So when you when we start to change our family's
mindset, and we start to encourage our family to do better think
better, be better, who do the family members go out to them,
they then go out and become the community.
And that ripple effect is what we want to happen in the community
what needs to happen in the community and no longer can be me
myself and I it's no it's never designed to be me, myself and I
it's designed to be with every single individual collectively
coming together and creating that movement, which we'll see later is
attempting to do
As I mentioned, changing that internal definition and that
dialogue within ourselves. I know a lot of woman feel isolated,
tired. And I recently we did a we did a drop in session and a lot of
the the,
the feelings that we're coming up with, they're tired, they're
tired.
Exhausted, yes. Very much exhausted, to just do this by
yourself and then fearing that the community consistently ask them
questions, when are we going to have the prophetic model and
understand that what their business is? Is not your business?
Stop asking what why, where, who? And start asking yourself how can
I help? Start being the was sila for them, not not for them to feel
even more drained so that they don't come out anymore? Each of us
are responsible for that. Our actions is what drives people, our
actions is what brings either people closer to our dean, or
further away from our dean. Our character is what brings people
together and what brings people apart.
You know, salsa, you mentioned, a lot of you know, there's a lot of
ignorance going on. I was just thinking about this, this term,
ignorance is a bliss. How many of you guys have heard this, right?
This is just being drilled in all of us. You want to say, ignorance
is a bliss, you know? I'd rather not know.
But will ignorance be a bliss? If your actions caused harm to
someone's heart? Will ignorance be a bliss? If your words cause the
heart of a believer that is close to Allah? Break?
And will ignorance be a bliss when you get to the day of judgment?
And know that that ignorance that you held
is the reason why some of your deeds would go?
Will ignorance be a bliss then? Absolutely not. Ignorance is a
bliss is a misconception in our society, that that halts us from
moving forward halts us from growing, we are not an ummah that
needs to stay stagnant, we need to move forward.
The idea of progressiveness, you know, the, you know, the term gets
used for different reasons, but we ourselves need to continue to
progress and elevate ourselves and change these mindsets, within
ourselves and within everybody else. And so Ignorance is not
bliss. My fellow community members, it's not, it's time to,
to learn, re educate yourself, what are the says, We're not going
away from our dinner, or everything that we do, is all
embedded into our deen, we just have forgotten about it. And we
have mixed our cultural and our societal definitions into that.
So then comes to my next point of creating a village. We can create
it, yes. But it takes strength to continue it, it takes strength to
further it. And so my ask for the community members and even for us
as that are divorced, or single moms or what have you are married
or whatever label you have yourself as is to create that
village create that system that will continue to move forward, we
cannot create something and leave it we have to strengthen the
foundation of it.
And that means that we continue to hold hands with each other and
continue that movement together. You know, even if it means that
just one person is holding your hand that's it, that's all it
needs to take. It just takes one person to do that. And then that
community continues. One of the other models that will sila is
that
you know we take it from Imam Al Ghazali his teacher
that when he had a school he went around and asking all of the all
of the students what do you want to be a Sufi for? Why do you want
to be a jurist for why are you here learning? And forgive me if
the story is wrong? Or is this something that I've heard and I
that everyone wanted to for, you know, for a worldly gain
and why they wanted to become an imam. And that teacher felt that
why am I doing this school this is there's nothing but until he came
across Imam Al Ghazali as he was a student.
And you know, Marcus Ali said, I'm doing this for the sake of Allah.
And then as you just said, that's it. Just one
all I need to do is have one person and look at look at the
Harlem with Dean all came from in my home Ghazali everyone is, you
know, knows him just one. So really, that's our motto of even
if one person you know I was just telling you something, even if one
or two people showed up today, that's enough, because those two
people then go out in the world and then multiplies and continues
and creates
So some of the action items that we, you know, want to request
everyone to do is that we have a lot of programs, we have a lot of
things that we have going on. And we want to make it known as one,
we have surveys out that really bring out your opinion. Because
each one of us have a different story. My story is different from
your story. Your story is different from her story. And her
story is different from her story. So I can't sit there and say, I
know it all. I don't, I don't know all of it. So you have to help me
know that you have to help me create these programs that are
going to be beneficial, I don't want to create them just to create
them. If it's not going to be beneficial, then, then it's not
worth it. So we have surveys out that, that take your information
and all are anonymous, none of your information is going to go
out anywhere we value, the idea of trust, and Amana. So please take
those surveys and tell us what your concerns are, tell us what
you need. And, you know, and show us what it is because that's what
we take. And that's what we you know, continue with. So I'm gonna
have, you know, in this next slide, I'm going to put up some QR
codes, which will be easier for you to access. The other thing is
sign up, sign up to be a sila, either for yourself or for others,
but be a part of our movement, be a part of what we are doing,
because this all requires all of your help.
So sign up, and whether you you know, whether you want to be you
know, want to stay connected, or whether you want to know other
programs, or you know, we're constantly creating constantly
doing more, so sign up and get connected with us. So that our
last part of our name is which was the love connection, we want to
maintain the connections with all of you.
And then there's a program called gems of vasila, I haven't
officially announced that this is my first time that I'm going to
announce it. Our team mashallah beautifully created this, we want
to hear your story. Because How will anyone know what is actually
happening, if we don't create a voice, we want to create that
platform for everybody to have the opportunity to share their story,
whatever struggle you went through, or maybe whatever helped
you. What helped you get through that struggle, because we're all
looking for something, we're all looking for some sort of help. So
maybe perhaps your story will help another individual. Maybe you
talking about your story will help you.
You know,
in and I'll go through some of my own personal personal things that
have helped me throughout my time. But we want to hear you we want to
hear your voice. So please do you know how to, you know, sign up for
that and and share what your stories are, we want to create
that. And lastly, not I will say this, I'm not here to ask for
money. But an organization can't continue without some sort of
funding. So all the viewers that are watching us, I encourage you,
really if and I tell this to my team all the time, I could get 500
people to just do $10 a month, you know how much that can go. It can
go a long way just $10 a month, be a member be a member of a sila and
be the reason for ease for another believer.
Allah swappa will help those that help others. You have a front row
seat ticket to Allah subhanaw taala when you help another person
in need, Allah will take care of all of your needs. Just imagine if
your $10 a month does exactly that, that brings a breath of ease
to somebody. Imagine going on the day of judgment and Allah Samantha
telling you go to Jana, and you're wondering, oh, what? Like I had i
What are you? Are you serious? Are you know? Like yes, because that
one action of yours that you thought might have been very small
but was so great in the eyes of Allah.
So when shall I? I asked that everybody, look, you know, check
us out. Here all the QR codes for everything that I've talked about.
We have our email that's put up there, please, please reach out to
us. If you have questions, concerns, just want to talk to
somebody come talk to us. That's what we're here for. We're here to
to hear you guys. So please, you know if and if you know anyone who
needs the service or who wants to talk to someone or just is going
through a difficult time, let them know that we're here. We're here
to help. We're here to stay. And we're here to continue this. And
lastly, I'm just going to end I just want to share a couple of
things that
you know a lot of lot of women have come up to me and said this
right we were in this era of
Social media or people are posting pictures showing their amazing
life, masha Allah, may Allah protect everybody, I mean,
but let's just say that's not the reality, every individual is going
through something sometimes our heart, we look at another, maybe a
couple or maybe we look at someone else that's having a great time
and you're like, wish I could just be like that. That's contributing
to a lot more of the stress and the depression that a lot of us
are going through. The analysts, you know, the Prophet says they
don't look at someone who's above you, someone who's below you,
because that's what gives you a little bit more strength, not not
someone that is that is above you. I just, I just want to share.
You may see me as you know,
someone Someone once told me like, you got it, you got this, you're
just you're out there, you're doing this, you're you've made it.
I haven't made it until I get to Jenna. Guys. Let me just say this.
I haven't made it yet.
But it's just an appearance. Just like all of you. I have nights
where I cry. I have nights where I'm tired. I have days when I am
depressed as well. That's kind of weird hearing that from a clinical
social worker that's like what you go through depression to all
therapist to therapist. But these are emotions that are natural,
they're normal. They're not, no one's immune from these emotions.
There are days where I just feel helpless sometimes that I myself
also feel like, when is there an end in sight? When is there
support? Months and months can go by it's very debilitating.
You know? And while everyone can see I'm smiling, I'm doing this.
I'm going here. I'm talking here. Yes, but I'm not immune from the
struggles either. So some things that have helped me, and I just
want to share. You know, one of those things that have really,
really helped support me, throughout my journey
is I was when I was married, I came across this, this lecture by
Jeff Mosler. I'm not sure what his last name is, but he was speaking
at the Ri es conference in Toronto, years ago, and this was
for the youth. But I found it very beneficial for me. And he talked
about how the Prophet sallallahu Sallam the year that he had just
lost Khadija de la franja year that he's lost his uncle.
And then he was at TAFE. And he was getting
pelted with rocks and * he was he's the last one was *.
And in some nursing, they say that he also saw us and them didn't
receive what he for six months, and the pain that he SallAllahu
sallam was going through was was heavy.
And then the icons that we know the condition of your heart of us
wanderlust telling the profits of someone who knows the condition of
your heart, just let's think about that for a second. You and I can
share a common story of common emotion, but really the the depth
or the intricacies that you're going through? Can I actually know
that? No. Can you know that about mine? No. We're individuals, and
that the individual pain that we go through is very, very unique to
us.
But Allah is saying that we know that knows the condition of each
of your hearts. Also know the condition of this mic if I knock
it over.
He knows the condition of your heart.
Who better than your Creator to know it? Who better
and then He, Allah, Allah says, Remember me? Why does ALLAH ask us
to remember him?
You know, a chef of ours was, was was talking about this where there
was in optimal rule the world of souls before we came to light here
was spot on manifest that himself as best as he saw fit and we as
souls connected to Allah, so Allah is asking us again to our souls.
Remember that connection? Remember me? That's why it says that when
you start like, Are you remembering a life the heart is is
rested, because our heart is our soul? Our soul is rested. So then
Allah subhanaw taala goes on to say, be like the people of such
that.
He could have said, go back to pray two rakaat put your hijab on,
you know? Yes, he could have said that. But he just said be like the
people have said that because when we are in such extreme pain, we
are just crying inside screaming inside with this unbearable pain.
We just need to drop our head down because our Creator is the closest
to us than our jugular vein. And there is no veil between you and
him when you are in this most broken state. He is the most
closest to you at that time. Can you imagine just you
have now the last one was just the attention of Allah is on you.
You don't even have to say anything and Allah knows exactly
what you need. Can anyone do that for us? Can anyone really know
what is what we need at that moment?
So this particular thing has helped me where I've tried and
tested. And lastly, I'll just I don't wanna take too much of your
time. But there's been two instances that, you know, I can
share that there was a moment where I felt
I was lost. I felt like I had no control over the situation. It's
felt like just I'm just tearing apart. And I remember I slipped
away in my parent's garage and I was crying It was the middle of
the night I learned the art of silently crying.
And I just 15 minutes put my head down on the ground and just cried
my heart out and I all I was able to say was alleges hug me. Because
that's all that was coming out of my heart that I love. Please love
me. Love, please comfort me.
15 minutes I cried and cried.
And then 15 minutes later, my brother comes downstairs in the
garage, turns on the light, didn't even know I was there. looks at
me, pause my mom and says go give her a hug.
Nobody heard me. Nobody heard me. Allah heard me Allah here you
Allah knows what you may not even know I needed a hug from my mom.
We're very anti hug. Very anti affectionate. And the fact that
she came and gave me a hug. That was just a clear sign that Allah
was listening to me. And he provided contentment in my heart
at that moment in the very next day provided a solution. All I had
to do was just trust. Just let go and believe that Allah is
listening to me and Allah will suit my heart, nobody else can.
There was another moment where I,
someone had said something to me, that was very hurtful.
I took that as okay, there's a lesson in here, maybe I need to
change up a little bit. I needed to hear this. And I said, Oh,
Allah, whatever this is, please guide me to it. But at the end of
the day, I was still hurt. Because how that was delivered to me was
very, very hurtful to me. But I knew I needed to change. I said,
Allah, that's okay. But I didn't know what I needed. I cried all
night, because I was in pain. By myself.
I said, Allah, I don't know what I need, but I don't know what to do.
I know I need to change. I know I need to do this, but I don't know
what to do. The very next morning, this individual comes up to me and
gives me a hug and says, I'm so sorry that I said those things to
you. I thought of you all night.
I was over there in the thick of night crying and asking, I don't
know what I need
all night. And this individual love put in her their hearts to
think of me that night. And to come to me in the morning and say
I'm sorry, here I am for you. Hello not only gave me an apology
from I wasn't even expecting and I didn't think I didn't even need it
or I felt I didn't need it and turn that individual as a source
of Lucila for me.
That's the power of Allah. That's the power of, of trusting that you
have a creator that loves us 70 times more than our mother.
So this is what continues for me and I wanted to share that Jim,
that whatever situation you're in, whatever, whatever feeling you're
in,
sit with it. Talk to Allah talk to some because Allah will provide
that Lucila for you. He will provide that with the love for you
and inshallah we can also be that was the love for you to Sokolow
hidden
Inshallah, we'll take questions, if anybody has questions. I know
we have quite a few people on live as well. If you have questions,
you can
actually check the live
yeah
beautiful just like you
deserve your protector and reward.
I love you too. So the questions that are so for those of you who
are on Instagram, we have live Instagram we also have YouTube
YouTube. I don't have access to I have no idea if you guys watching
on YouTube have questions if you do join our live on Instagram.
See this? So I think Brotherman your will. So we have someone
that's monitoring the questions. Inshallah, please submit your
questions. We're not going to, obviously not going to share your
names. And we'll try to answer them as best as possible. And of
course, we want to allow those that are here to also ask
questions.
So I'm just gonna refer
Here's the question for everybody. Um, so just essentially, I think
what
you were asking was that,
although, you know, there's I had the family, I had the support,
there's many people that do not have that. And I recognize that,
and I understand that.
How can we, sila, recreate that for the sisters or the brothers to
come together and have them and meet the needs that are still?
Yeah.
Yes, how to how to recreate the family structure and unit. So I'll
just I'll just share a couple of things. Right. I've been divorced
for four years. I am I'm still divorced, I'm not remarried.
I think that's the next challenge. Right? And that actually not next
challenge. But that is that is a very serious challenge, or that is
a very, it's a big issue. Because in the community, what we're
seeing is this, the stigma continues, that brothers are not,
you know, considering women that are that have been previously
divorced. There are some brothers that are not even looking at the
woman who have children who are single moms.
There's also the family unit, where the stigma continues, where
the mothers of the sons are also not okay with that. There's the
families that are not okay with that. And then we have the issue
of,
do we have men out there that are men that are going to take,
you know,
that are going to that are going to stand up and take the stance,
I'm just going to share a couple of thoughts on it. Number one,
I that's what that's what we're doing. We're changing the mindset,
we're trying to change the mindset of every individual to stop
looking at our sisters, that are single mothers that are divorced
as something that is a bad thing. To stop, to stop feeling like
you're less than the one that hasn't been married before.
And it's it's hard. It's, it is it is hard, it is hard, I'll share a
story. You know, I'll share the story. As I on my platform, I tend
to share the stories a bit of my own journey and struggle with that
is that, you know, we also have mothers who there was, there was a
brother who I considered and the mother, his own mother was a
single mom who got remarried, she had two children, but she was not
accepting of me. Because I had two more children than she did.
So that stigma that hypocrisy exists not only in them, but also
in the mothers and the woman. So that's why we we tackle both ends
of it, we tackle the woman as well. And we tackle the men as
well. We recently just had an event yesterday. Yeah. So we are
starting so that is that is one of our goals is to start this
trajectory of teaching our men or or inviting our men to have these
real raw conversations of what does it mean to be a man the way
the Prophet SAW Selim was and the way he saw some taught as, as we
know, everyone likes to everybody likes to say, Oh, the Prophet saw
us alone, you know, married cut each other Delana everyone talks
about how the province of Islam had multiple wives, you know,
there's
Yes, that's.
It
Yes, which which, which is which isn't, which is a problem as well.
But what I think at the end of it right, as we continue to change
the the, the definitions and everybody's minds and Shala that
we continue to talk about, and continue to inject in our
communities and our families on how to actually think about these
things and how to actually bring those lessons into our lives and
implementing those lessons into our lives. I will say that there
are men out there that do marry divorced women that do marry
single mothers, that I have come across many of them as well, that
there are brothers who who have stood against not against but
stood their feet down and said this is my decision and that I
will that I will marry this Yes.
Yes, yes. So so in that in that regard was sila is going to
continue to have these programs to continue talking about these
things, co parenting, you know, blended families how to navigate
those challenges, because those challenges are there with blended
families as well. You're now you're now divided, you're now
bringing together to two families with children and it's becoming
you know, a bigger family unit how to navigate those challenges. So,
Inshallah, in the future we are we are actively working on things
where we can provide
had that support to both individuals to really, you know,
work on that. But I think stress, I think you might have some, ya
know, just like Lafayette, it's such a good question because I
think, you know,
as much Lawson is already elucidated that the aim of this
organization is a very multifactorial, like, there's a
lot of different, you know, aspects to what she you know, the
vision is for this organization. But I think the biggest thing that
we can do now, the starting point, is the unlearning, right, which is
what the D stigmatization is, it's unlearning we have to teach our,
our communities from our mentor, our women, our leadership, every
aspect of our committee just need to unlearn whatever conditioning,
they've been conditioned to think about this word, divorce, and
relearn the prophetic way. And until we do that, we're going to
keep, you know, hitting these areas. So I think that's why these
types of conversations are so important, honest conversations
about openly sharing, openly talking about divorce, there's no
shame, there's no stigma, I don't walk with your head, hi, what do
you have to walk into a room and feel as though Oh, someone's
judging me, don't let them judge you, you know, show that you have.
So because almost mother created you with that, and he's the one
that you are, you know, upheld by you don't need to look and to
other people's, you know, opinions of you, and then determine your
self worth from that. So it's on us as women to hold our heads a
certain way and walk with that honor. And it's also on
organizations like Lassila and other teachers or people in the
community who can start to reframe these conversations. So we call on
the leadership, we call on the brothers and the sisters who are
in these positions, to start to talk about this topic of marriage
and divorce. And especially, I think we need to start talking
about them together, because sometimes it's conversations are
separated, right? So there's a lot of conversations around premarital
right preparation around marriage family. And then as an
afterthought, maybe once in a blue moon, you see something that has
to do with divorce. And I think that's a real, that's just, it's
wrong. It's all part of, you know, the experience of life. And just
like when you study fit, for example, you have to study, you
know, the fit of these things, right? Why can't we bring this
more mature, educated, you know, lens or approach to these topics,
instead of fearing them or thinking like, Oh, if we talk
about them, we're endorsing them. That's just insane to me, right?
Now, if we're talking teaching, for example, young couples about
divorce, the flip of divorce, how the Quran calls on men to marry
and divorce and the way that it should be done, doesn't mean we're
pushing people to divorce. But this is sometimes the, you know,
the ignorant way that people even receive that. So the idea here is
that no, we have to just talk about relationships, what healthy
relationships are, what unhealthy relationships are, so that we can
learn to recognize, right and teach our young men and women to
recognize patterns to avoid patterns to fear God, I mean,
these are the kinds of conversations we have to be
having. So I think a lot of what you're asking is very valid, and
inshallah we're working towards that goal. But for those of you
who are, you know, who may not know, if you are looking for
opportunities to meet other people, right? Because sometimes,
you know, you may be in that place, right? There's everybody's
journey is different. So if you're in a place where like, Okay, I'm
ready to meet someone for the sake of marriage, and maybe talk for
the next chapter of my life. There will be an event here, I think it
two weeks, right? August 13. Yeah, August 13. With half our dean,
it's, I think it's still should be open in terms of registration. But
you know, we got to sometimes take those leaps of faith and make
ourselves vulnerable. You know, like I said, you have to come out
and own, you know, who you are, and put yourself into those
situations where you could find you know, those opportunities and
talk it out at the end of the day, talk about Allah, so there are
those efforts happening, and Inshallah, you know, we're working
towards that. Inshallah, ya know, you know, it's, it's a work in
progress and slowly step by step, so just toggle. Okay, and for your
question, I appreciate it.
Yeah, we are, we are definitely working on we're revamping our
website, inshallah. And so we'll have a little bit more accessible
as we continue. But you brought up a really good point where, and I
just wanted to highlight that each one of us holds a specific trait,
we have a specific expertise within us, and that's what we
need. We need people to come forward and and do what you're
best at do what you're good at, do what you love. And here it will
sila we do create those platforms for that, you know, I get people
asking me that, can I do this, can I do that? And I want to be that
organization that allows you know, gives that space so you know
Inshallah, please do
Connect with us I think, I think well, we'll definitely have some
space for that, too. But that's, that's, that's what, that's what
it takes, right? That's what it takes to create a village you come
exactly you connect, you connect with like minded individuals, you
have a passion. And here's a platform to continue that passion.
So inshallah please definitely do do connect with me.
Yeah, so there's, I hear a couple of different questions when I hear
is there any legal help or legal support on how to navigate the
legal needs of what your what your rights and what you? You know,
what's there? The second question, I think I hear is that how to how
to navigate, you know, informing the kids and how to work through
that. Yeah, the step by step. So let me answer the last one, we do
have co parenting series, which, which, although it says co
parenting, we have multiple people just come normally not not the CO
parent, you know, we'd like both the parents to come so both
parents can hear the information. And we go through that we talk
about how to navigate some of those things. How do we talk to
children in different age levels? You know, what, what you can say?
Yeah, so, so that we don't have yet as we need trained
professional, I think one of the things that I that I am very
staunch on is that I don't want any just anyone coming and talking
about that I want the trained professionals that are
knowledgeable in that I'm in the ABA field. So I understand. Yeah,
so I understand what you're saying we have a BCBA on, you know, there
that can actually provide a support. So we do have that
service for the BCBA. So you can definitely check this out on the
website, we have a link for that. Yes, it's on our menu, it's
there's a there's a portion on our website that says mental health.
And in that there's our clinical therapy, there's a parent
consultation, and there's also their religious consultation on
there. So if you can't click on the link, I have the email up,
it's admin at what sila connect.org, please email us if
you want a session for that we can definitely book you in for that
session. Now, going back to the legal
are smiling because we've we've had this conversation over years,
and I know how difficult it is to navigate the legal system here.
It's it's very difficult, and 1000s and 1000s of dollars to go.
I do want to share one resource we just, we just got mashallah, we
haven't launched it yet, but I'm going to share it with you guys,
is that we now have a resource specifically for our Muslims,
where you can navigate during the form. So if you are going through
a divorce, we have a certain form that you need to fill out in the
court system. And you cannot, you know, you don't have the the
resources to go to a lawyer. We now have the system called legal
Fina. It was Yeah. So I if you email us, we can share the
resource with you it's specifically, you know, it's, it's
to help support, you know, individuals who wants to navigate
that system, kind of like a kind of like a Yeah, like a like a,
what's the word robot like automated system that kind of
guide you each step of the way to help support you and like, what,
what aspect is and there's customer service on there to help
help you navigate some of those legal terminology and, and what
have you, so that is there. So if you need that, or if you know
someone who would like to check that it is still a work in
progress. It's it's created by a family of a brother who really,
you know, wanted to provide the community with that service. So
mashallah, you know, they had been working on it for years, and they
finally just launched them, they're still a work in progress.
But please email us if you'd like to have that. And we can we can
talk more about that. As far as lawyers go, you know, it is it is
difficult to find. And it family law, just in itself is very, very
like it there's there's no like, you know, it sounds sounds kind of
depressing to say, but there's no end to sometimes these family law
cases, right? So you don't know how long a particular case is
going to go? You don't know how short it's gonna go. You don't
know how long maybe there's different complications that do
come up. So it's really hard because a lot of these lawyers are
very much like just slammed with what these cases. I mean, we have
top notch lawyers that are amazing, but they can't take
anyone on because there's a lot of these cases. And so we are
attempting to work on finding resources for lawyers. We
unfortunately cannot at this time do not have a list of that. But we
go beyond just Muslim lawyers. I think, you know, Salah Messiah and
I were talking about this that we don't need to specifically look
for a Muslim lawyer. You. Yeah. So So there are a lot of other
lawyers out there. So we are, you know, we are still working on that
resource to just have and I know, most of the OSI has, you know,
maybe might have some research too. We're all sort of coming
together and trying to create those resource
verses and inshallah once we have them, we will definitely put them
out on our network. But if you individually, you know, have a
specific question about that you can definitely reach out to us.
And as a social worker, my job in itself is to find resources. So
whatever I have whatever knowledge I have I can I can share that
information with you, too. So, sorry, no didn't answer your
question.
So into interpretation
I see, yeah.
So, challenges on understanding how to navigate that process, it
is it is very difficult. I, you know, I will agree with that. I
myself went through that process, it's hard to understand the, you
know, the legalities. And, yes, we did have, we actually had a
workshop that
we added about, about maybe about a year and a half ago, to just
kind of talk about some of those terms, I will see like, well, you
know, Inshallah, we'll take that feedback. Yeah, we'll take that
feedback. And, you know, Inshallah, we'll will reconsider
from you know, talk about
the sticky situation is that everybody's situation is
different. And, you know, there isn't just a one answer to solve
everyone's or a general generic thing that we that lawyers can
share. But I know there are some lawyers that provide free
consultations.
And those consultations are, are helpful. So Inshallah, if any of
you or if you know, people who who want some of those resources,
inshallah we can try to try to help support that.
Yeah, yeah. And that's what that's what we seek to, to solve, right
is guidance, guidance on what to do, where to go resources, we
actually have something in the works. I mean, it's there, we
haven't completely launched it, but it, but I'll just share it, we
have an intake form, that, that you can fill out and request that
you have certain needs, and you're looking for certain services. And
that's what the surveys are for actually to gather the information
of how many people are in need of a specific service, like for
example, legal help, financial help, job skills, training,
housing resource. So that's what we're right now we're in that
stage of collecting that information so that we can
actively make those skill set and those that that that specific
resource for it.
Yeah, so we, you know, we are the service right now. That's what
we're, that's the phase that we're in right now. So we're taking that
data right now. And then inshallah we actually, you know,
subhanAllah, we actually talked about this mean of silos, I talked
about how each of us are in a different phase of life, even with
the divorce, you know, some of us need emotional support, some of us
need hands on job training, some of us need educational grants,
some of us need, you know, legal help, financial help, so there's
different different areas that we can touch, and that's what we are
currently creating, Inshallah, where we can provide that support
and services first. So we do have, we do have that form, Inshallah,
we will post that up. If you, you know, if you connect with us and
be on our newsletter, we do send out some of those informations and
so Inshallah, please keep a lookout, soon, we'll have that
have that up. But for the mean, in the meantime, if everyone is
looking for some some sort of help, please email us at admin at
what sila connect.org. And, you know, ask us and that, you know,
that way we can individually, see what your needs are. And we have
mashallah very, a lot of organizations that have have those
resources, too. So, you know, we're looking to not reinvent the
wheel, but also, you know, collaborate with these other
organizations to provide the support. So I have in the past,
you know, someone has come to me for an housing issue or a rent
issue, I will connect them with another organization MCC Marshall
is a beautiful organization that really helps support support these
matters, too. So I can definitely connect you with with some of
those resources too, and where to look for them to just talk a
little more. And the question was, what are the resources and support
for our youth? And our younger are children as a single parent?
So this is something that, you know, we definitely recognize
that, you know, me having my four as well, I constantly think about
what what can I provide for my own children.
So we are, you know, working on that's where our community aspect
comes in, where we do community programs, where we do socials, you
know, we will have more programs and events and activities really
to to connect our youth back into our community. And that's really,
you know, a lot of the massages and a lot of the organizations are
actively working on this as well, where they're, you know, looking,
we're creating programs for the youth to join that way. They are
they're, you know, finding, you know,
Have some some sort of support because us adults, we can sit
through this lecture we can, or we can sit through a support group
and a talk there who gets through all this, but our kids cannot. And
that's not something our kids want, right? So we have to think
on their levels where what is a 14 year old like to do, you know, for
guys, maybe, you know, play basketball, you know, go to the
beach, go to the movies, whatever is your child's like, we're trying
to create those type of programs and those community programs. So
that is something that we are actively working on, please stay
tuned, there is going to be something happening soon with
that. So but we do hear you in terms of like what other support
systems are there? You know, there's a great organization they
do a lot of youth events to is called El Misbah and other pretty
far they're in Sacramento, but they do a lot of programs for
youth as well. MCC actually had quite a lot of youth programs as
well. I know because of COVID. A lot of those things have stopped
but I know they are reemerging with with those. So please connect
with this massage as well get on their mailing list and see what
other programs they have for you. There's a lot there. I know
there's a new community called the Centerville Sonic center in
Fremont, that they also are providing they do they do Soccer
Camps, they do basketball camps, they do.
You know, I think
there's another there's, I just recently came across a flyer in
the Fremont area where there's the wrestling club. So there's,
there's a lot of a lot of programs coming up now for the youth, but
it's part of the issue is that getting that word out there and
seeing that so, you know, if you if you have questions about that,
or ideas about that, please email us, you know, we are, we are
connected in different communities that we can give you that resource
and send you these flyers and send you these, this information of
that. So, you know, there's like, I think there's an arts and crafts
for girls coming up, or there's like a, you know, kickboxing, I
know, there's a kickboxing class, so there are lots of programs out
there, but Inshallah, with with sila specifically, we are actively
looking at that, you know, we have a lot of work to do, we have a lot
of a lot of ways to do, but we are actively considering that
Inshallah, in the future, we should be able to provide more
programming for that.
Not just like, I'll get into all of you, I just wanted to
reiterate, I think mashallah from having heard directly from sent
over the course of many conversations, the vision that she
and her team have, there are so many all of these concerns about,
you know, legal, as we mentioned, aid, financial aid, you know,
providing resources for childcare, especially for single families,
all of these things are on her radar, it's all there, it's just a
matter of getting the support from the community and obviously,
hearing from you. So that's why I wanted to just really do another
push about the importance of these surveys and the data that she's
collecting. Because when we when she can analyze that, you know,
the majority of the, you know, submissions, were highlighting
this particular area, or maybe a percentage was, then she can know
how to distribute those resources, how to allocate funds, how to do
grant, you know, because she's also looking at grants. So
mashallah, they're really actively trying to meet the needs of your
needs, but we need to hear from you. We also need to have more and
more sisters join. So if you know sisters who couldn't make it
today, please encourage them to, you know, follow these all take
all these QR codes, share it with them, and let them know that data
is really going to, you know, make the difference here, the more
information she she can get, the more she can hear from what your
specific needs and wants are, the more her and her team can really
assess come together, you know, and assess, you know how to do
that. But if we don't know, and then we're just kind of trying to,
you know, put things together based on our observations. It may
not, you know, it may take much longer, right. So you'll actually
help the process, you'll facilitate the process
tremendously. If you participate, get involved, start joining, get
the word out, follow the socials, make sure I'm so like, right now,
in this mindset of this organization has to be at the top,
like, if you did a search for like, divorce in Islam, you know,
or, you know, that will seal would come up, come up at the top of
those search results, right, that it's that recognized as a
national, you know, community, I mean, organization, leading the
conversation on divorce and how to help people navigate all of the
different aspects of it. But in order to get there, we need more
and more people involved in it. So really important to do that. But
yeah, I'll say this. A lot of the things that you guys have asked,
we've been having these conversations for three years, you
know, spinal three years, we've been continuing having some of
these things that you guys have asked, it's already created.
He did.
And I haven't backlogged I have tabled. Because I need I need
support. You know, I haven't, I haven't said this openly. And I'm
saying this today, you know, my team also tells me they're like,
you can't just, you can't just stay quiet, you got to go out
there, you got to talk to people, you have to be able to present
this stuff, my motto would was sealer was, I'm not going to go
out there and ask, first, I'm going to do the work for us, I'm
going to show everybody that we're doing the work. And we're in year
two, two and a half years, and this is all the work we've done,
and much more. And there's so many things that you know, my I have
that I unfortunately, cannot launch it because I don't have the
manpower for it, nor do I have the funding for it. And as I'll, you
know, as idealistic, I'd like it to be in a perfect world that I
have all the funding all the manpower to, to do this, I don't.
So it's gonna take every individual out there in the
community to really support us. And I think we are now at that
prime where we realize that this is, this is just going on and up
and up. And, you know, I used to not have so much love for
research, but I see why research is really important. And our team
has mashallah, you know, we have a wonderful social media team, we
have a wonderful, you know, we have a lot of and we have some
interns as well. So if you have people that would love to
volunteer with us, please, you know, connect with us on that. If
you have expertise in a certain area, bring them forward, because
that's what we need Because together, we can do much more
bigger changes. Can't do it by myself.
I just for the viewers who are listening, or one of our dear
sisters who have made a really beautiful, profound point that I
just wanted to if I won't do it as justice as you did, but mashallah
paraphrase it is that, you know, many of us in our own struggle
sometimes we forget the fact that when we turn our focus to fit my
to service to serving, you know all about that serving his his
creation, that we actually will lighten our own burdens, as
opposed to just becoming insular focusing on ourselves, which is
what shaytaan usually that's one of his tactics, right? Isolate,
make you completely wallow in your own self, you know, as they say,
Misery loves company. So he'll just be right there, you know, to
drown you in your sorrows? And have you stuck either in the past,
right, which is, what oftentimes people will say is, is what
depression is right? You're stuck in the past or anxious about the
future? And you forget the now, right? But we're called to be
people of Toka. Not Allah, we don't despair, right. Despair is
haram in Islam, we have hope. We don't let the thoughts of darkness
and hopelessness ever overcome us because Allah is hope. So. And
then we see that there's also this law of reciprocity, right? When,
as Allah's Prophet says, and then check out to him as he then again,
when you are grateful for the abundance of blessings, I will
increase or increase you. And how do we show that gratitude, right?
By using the blessings that He's given us? The faculties that He's
given us the skills that He's given us? For good? Right, paying
it forward? That is actual gratitude? Gratitude isn't just
saying on him, did you that everybody can say that on their
tongue? Right? It's actual action, it's an actionable thing. So when
you as much longer sister said, you know, all of us have a should
have a stake in supporting this organization? Because, to be
honest, and for those who who are watching to if you're married, if
you're a brother, if you are, you know, feeling like this is maybe
your turn you tuned in, I don't know, by choice or accidentally,
but you're thinking, well, this only applies to sisters who are
divorced, that thinking we want you to not do this is not about,
you know, this is the community this is a, this is a everybody in
the community has to have participate in supporting this
organization. Right. It's not just only a certain group, right?
Because as Sarah has mentioned, there's a ripple effect. If we
want our community to be whole, right, then we have to come
together and provide those services come together as a
community support one another and be hold together not everybody go
into their little, you know, groups and, and forget about each
other. And this is the danger of the modern world, right?
Everybody's just stuck in their own labels and identity politics.
And, you know, it doesn't apply to me. I'm not interested. This is
not our deen that our deen is as the Hadith says, we're an ummah.
We're like one body if one part of the body hurts, the entire body
hurts. So when you see, as we mentioned, a specific group being
underserved for far too long neglected for far too long
oppressed for
far too long. That is why we all have to step up and undo the harm
that has been caused. And that requires everybody, every
individual to participate. So I'm sorry, you had a question? Yes.
Yes. Ignorance. Yeah. Yeah, no, I that that is that is a real that
is a real issue where we have had multiple women and men to have
said that their friends dropped them overnight. And they no longer
include them. So really, we have to look at ourselves and those
that are married out there those that are, you know, that you
aren't married or single, you know, I've never been married,
like, don't, don't turn away. I mean, it there's no such thing as
you know, your friend is divorced, that was the, you know, the juju
will come on you, you know, or that that, that,
that that salsa or something is gonna come on you? Yeah, exactly.
And I just want to reiterate to everyone that's watching one of
the one of the feelings that you know, you as friends, when you
turn away from your divorced friends, you make them feel like
they're not worth it. You, you know, as stylists, I was saying,
it's a betrayal. It is. It's, it's like, what were you friends for?
In the beginning? You know, what was your Where was your heart?
Where was your intention? You know, and we are to be together
in, you know, together and work together. And, you know, and
continue to help one another, but you're just little action of
slowly moving away from them, because they no longer share a
status is very, very harmful. It's ignorant. And it is not from the
beam. It is absolutely not from the Dean. You know, I look at each
individual, one of you women, and you might have seen me walk
around, and would you have guessed anything? No, you would look at me
as a person. So really, I think you know, those that are married,
that those that are in the community, think about your
actions, think about what you're doing that is causing and
contributing to the entire stigma of this and contributing to the
feelings that have hurt in another believers heart. I think they just
honestly reveal their own ignorance, unfortunately, and like
you said, for people like that good riddance, if they, you know,
don't understand the very basics of decency, and you know, showing
kindness and compassion, then, you know, you don't need to, you know,
waste your time on that. And Allah sometimes removes people from me
for that reason. Yeah.
And this is what we were speaking about is the unlearning, yeah,
it's very painful. It's very painful, but hamdulillah for, you
know, creating new, newer, better networks. And that's what this is
about, you know, we don't need to, we can just close the door on all
that negativity, and keep,
you know, some, you know,
you know, as a final thought, I'll share that, you know, as we
started to sell the house, I was saying that their loved ones will
reveal who is beneficial for you, who is not good for you, you know,
as I spoke about in the beginning, where I had all these attachments,
these attachments to certain people, and I didn't want to let
go of those attachments. And I had people telling me, let them go,
let them go, they're not worth it. I just couldn't let them go. But
Allah will show you the true colors of each individual in your
life. Because sometimes we either learn by advice, or we learn by
falling. So really, sometimes a lot of us you know, I learned by
by painful situations, of how these people that I was so
attached to that I respected that I loved all slowly turned away
from me. And I said, Today I say good riddance because
Alhamdulillah Allah subhanaw taala is still watching out for me. And
not only that, when Allah wants to take something away from you, he
will replace it with something even much better. So if he's
taking people away from you,
I'll Hamdulillah you will have someone in this much better than
they were better better people than they were and you'll you'll
won't even think about them anymore. They won't even occupy
that space in your mind that they deserve to be occupied in and and
that's what we have to look forward to. That Oh, allow you've
taken this person away. hamdulillah replace it with
something so much more better.
Yes, don't let him live rent free. Yes. Yes, we allow a lot of things
to live rent free in our mind. So Alhamdulillah I think we you know,
we are at 330 i You know what we're going to do inshallah is
just wrap up, wrap up our online live feed and others, their snacks
their shine, everything. We want to appreciate everyone who is
was logged on has watched any of our interior portions there please
if you have questions concerns please don't hesitate to reach out
to us we have Instagram we have Facebook we have our socials if
you haven't gotten it, please You know, look us up. We're out there,
email us
so some of the services we have really quickly is that I have a
monthly support group for divorce woman and single moms. They happen
the first Saturday of every month
and we if you get on our website, we'll be able to give you not
website if you email us we'll be able to give you a link that link
if anyone who has watched us has ever had our previous link that
has changed so please do email us if you don't have our new link. So
we have monthly we are consistently having programs every
month so I'll just give you a highlight really quickly. This
tomorrow's August Spamalot time is fine.
We have we have a co parenting workshop coming up, inshallah
August 21, please do you know please do register once that comes
out. We will also you know for the brothers that are watching we're
also gonna have another manliest man series inshallah coming up so
please do keep keeping tuned for that. We have we have we have a
couple other workshops and program we also the Eid GIFT program that
we did right now it's closed we've we are not we're serving this aid
we are serving 50 I believe 52 children and 25 adults so you
know, if you you know those that are watching, we are still we are
still in need of about 600 to cover up the cost for that if
you'd like to donate, please do donate on that but we are making
gift baskets for our divorced or separated and our widows and their
children. So we I just got all those boxes in my home so I'm
excited I'm gonna be we're gonna be making those baskets. So, this
is going to be an annual thing because he was such a blessed time
and we want to be able to provide some some sort of love you know
some physical form of love and giving gift. So that is that is
there as well each Ramadan we have if doors and
and we will have in person socials coming up more and I will start
will start releasing some of those things. So those are some of our
current programs happening. Please again, reach out to us and give us
more feedback on what you'd like to see more of. So just Sokolow
klaten for everyone that's been watching us appreciate it. Please
keep us in your dough oz.
saw the site if you want to close with
this I can walk in and again everyone have the honor of being
in your company hearing your beautiful stories opening your
heart to us. I hope your child this is the first of many more
events with all of you and more inshallah as we continue to grow
with that said inshallah will end in the Smilla Rahmanir Rahim will
answer in Santa Fe Casa de La La Nina MNU Mohammed of Saudi Haiti
whatever so we'll happily whatever so the southern Subhanak Aloha
Morbihan begin shadow and daddy the Elantra Sakurako wanted to
make a Lahoma set of a set of more Vedic or let's say that our mood I
don't know have you been ever met some aloha to you so then what it
was up to sort of this lemon Kathira Subhan Arabica Robin ICT
and my UC phone was salam ala mursaleen 100 In Robben Island.