Hosai Mojaddidi – Practicing Emotional Intelligence in Ramadan
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Salam, Alaikum, Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh Alhamdulillah we are
in the final stretch before this blessed month of Ramadan. Next
week. So this is a time where a lot of people are, again, just
preparing for the month, just yesterday Subhan, Allah had three
different sessions all on preparation for the month of
Ramadan. So with that said, I was asked to speak a little bit about
a topic that I love emotional intelligence as it relates to
Ramadan. So some of you may not know what emotional intelligence
is.
And what it is, is basically in the most simplest terms, it's a
framework that helps you to manage your emotions, identify and manage
your emotions, and then also help other people manage their
emotions. And one of the really simple acronyms that you could
learn just to kind of stick or to have that definition stick is arm,
because A is the A stands for awareness, so to become really
self aware of yourself. And then the R relates to regulating your
emotions. And then the M is for managing emotions, of course your
own as well as other people. So when you become more emotionally
intelligent, you really work on honing in these skills. And I came
across this framework several years ago, and as soon as I
started reading it, it just instantly spoke to me because I
found that everything that they were describing was really just
applying Islam. If we actually learn our deen and apply it, we
will become emotionally intelligent. And so that just you
know, I started to delve into it deeper and the more and more I
looked into it, I was convinced that this was a really great
modern tool to help to teach people really deen and tarbiyah
and in the prophetic wisdoms of our of our tradition and 100 or
so, years later, when I was speaking to Sheikh Hamza, he
actually told me about a hadith that really was incredible when I
when he sent it to me, because I had always thought of this concept
of emotionally emotional intelligence being something that
was modern, right, in 1990, it was discovered.
And then we have Daniel Goleman, who's the kind of leading pioneer
on the topic. He's the one who really put it on the map, right
that term? Well, that's what I thought until chef Hamza mentioned
this hadith where he, he said, the prophesy, Sam said, but also
actually bothered Imani at toward the toward do Elena's which is
that, you know, after the basis of reasoning, after faith is, you
know, is loving kindness towards people. And subhanAllah. That was
amazing because he is connecting intelligence, and again, emotional
management right of other people. So in fact, which shouldn't
surprise us, right, because a lot of these modern ideas that we are
impressed by, if you actually dig a little deeper, you find that
they do have roots in tradition and in religion, and somehow,
especially when it comes to our faith, because it is so it's so
deep, and it's covered. So many of these wonderful topics that
there's always, you know, you'll always find connections. And just
actually yesterday or the day before, on on Instagram, I posted
about this very thing that a lot of the modern tools that we use,
in fact, have traditional roots in our faith. So Alhamdulillah, I
wanted to now just talk about more about how we can understand
emotional intelligence, practically, and then tie it to
Ramadan. So we already gave you the definition of it. Now the
qualities that you want to develop to become emotionally intelligent,
are five, and this is again, according to the works of Daniel
Goleman. So the first is to become self aware, which I mentioned, the
second is self regulation. The third is motivation. The fourth is
empathy. And then the fifth is social skills. And if you really
look at each one of them, subhanAllah, you'll find that they
do actually, they are skills that we should absolutely have every
day of the year, but certainly in the month of Ramadan. Because the
month of Ramadan, again, is a time where we're really are being put
to the test right, we should see it as that it's an opportunity to
really bring out the best of whatever is suppressed within us.
Because a lot of times during the year, of course with work and
schedules and all of the other routines that we get bogged down
by we that part of us that true essence of our nature, which is of
course our soul gets lost and so Ramadan is a time for it to emerge
and for us to really discover a lot about ourselves and our
connection with Allah subhanho wa Taala and emotional intelligence,
if you understand it and apply it, it can certainly help you. So for
example, the first quality right to become self aware. What does
that mean? Well, you know, first and foremost, at a certain point,
and you know, I work a lot with youth, and I think it's imperative
that parents and educators teach youth
You know, all of them, of course, the regular education that we want
them to have, but also really to help them understand themselves.
And so temperament, for example, is something that we, you know,
for historically always taught, you know, it was very much a part
of our tradition to teach about temperament means edge, we call it
an Arabic, which is to know, like, you know, basically what, you
know, what is your, what's your blueprint? How do you operate, you
know, like, we understand operating systems, right? We have
devices, there's the apple, iOS camp, and then there's the Android
camp, right? And we know, we understand that these are two
different systems, and they have different operating systems. Well,
human beings are similar, right? We operate on different
wavelengths on different levels, we say certain things, appeal to
some they don't to others. So really focus or understanding
yourself, for example, the most simple definitions that we all
should know are, are you an extrovert or an introvert, because
that actually does really helped to understand yourself, if you are
the type of person that when you're around large settings, or
social settings, where there's a lot of stimuli, you feel affected
by it, and it, it just drains you, you are likely an introverted
person. And if you're the opposite, where when you're alone
too much, if it starts to nag at you, and you feel uneasy, and
you'd like to be around people, you always have some sounds or
something in the background, because you don't like silence,
then you likely are an extrovert. Just that simple understanding of
yourself can really help to know what your comfort levels are, for
example, you know, Ramadan is a time of community, right, so a lot
of people, I mean, now we're in COVID. But outside of that, a lot
of times we there's the social element, right. And so some
people, that's a really attractive thing, like they can't wait to
come to the tunnel, we personally have stars and to go house, if
they are hopping house to house, you know, during the month,
because they love connecting with their community. And that's
beautiful. And for some people, that's what they need, because
maybe they've been disconnected. Whereas other people, that doesn't
sound as appealing because, again, their nature is that they want to
retreat, they actually want to be at home more. So if you are only
receiving one message, though, like let's say you're reading a
book, or you're listening to a talk, and the message is you
should be you know, congregating and meeting with people and you
know, reaping the benefits of the GEMA, then you may feel lost in
that, you know, like, what about if I just don't want to, you know,
or vice versa, maybe you're on the opposite extreme, where you really
are going so inward, which of course is your right, but you
don't want to meet with anybody. And you don't really want to have
any social connection, that maybe you need to find that balance,
right, which is really what, again, first becoming self aware,
is, is learning about yourself and understanding that nature. But
then the second part of it is, where's the balance, because both
of these extremes wouldn't quite fit. We are social, right? Our
dean is a social Dean. But we also have the element of certainly of
Halawa of spiritual retreat. And so that's why understanding these
things about yourself then takes you gradually to the next step,
which is I have to regulate these things. Because if I draw a line
and say, Well, this is just who I am, and I don't want to
participate in this X, Y, or Z, and I'm not really realizing that
just because something fits for me or feels right for me, is it?
Right, right? That's really the question, because the perfect
example, of course, is the prophesy Saddam, and his entire
life is known to us because so that we can model ourselves after
him. And he showed us just how he was able to balance he, of course,
had the ability to or he, he showed us how to retreat, right, I
mean, his entire, you know, beginning of his prophecy was all
about his need to pull away and to just be isolated, and to really
contemplate and to do all that. And then he also showed us the
importance of being social and being in the in the community and
being active in the community. So his life is a is a perfect example
of how we can find that balance. But this is what again, being
emotionally intelligent does is it kind of forces you to see yourself
right to forces you to see and understand yourself and then do
that compare and contrast with the best of examples of prophesy
setup. So you really pay attention to all of those nuances about you,
those little quirks that you have, and you know, look, where do I
need to filter? What do I need to enhance and and work on, on, you
know, improving? And then what do I need to change? And so when you
gradually move from self awareness to self regulation, which is the
second quality, now, it's about how do I do that? And that's where
a book like, like, here, I have purification of the heart, right?
This is an excellent book for anybody who's in the self
regulation phase, which is I need to learn how to control myself,
right. And this is also I mean, by extension, it is a bit of self
awareness too, because you have to read these diseases of the heart,
which is what the book is about, in order to know what diseases you
have, but then they also teach you how to control that right how to
rid yourself of the diseases. So the you know the way
have in our tradition to Skia, which is the science of purify
purification, yet purify purifying one soul, one's heart, one's
tongue, there's a lot of emphasis on action, right where you are
aware of what the problems are. And now you have to do the actions
that follow. And so that is where, you know, the second quality of
emotional intelligence comes in. And this is a life long pursuit,
like when we talk about the skill, it's not something that you just
do once and then you're done with every single one of us, every
single day of our lives have to work on this. And Ramadan is
actually a time where we're kind of catapulted right into this
work, because all of these things start to emerge, you're gonna
start to see maybe some bad habits come out, because you know, it's
normal, right, you're cut off from your, your normal routines, your,
your coffee in the morning, whatever, you know, cravings you
have, and or sleep is interrupted. So those changes can definitely
affect our mood, and our behavior. And so we're gonna start to see
maybe some negative qualities within ourselves, right, maybe
we're less patient, we're hangry, as they say. And we kind of in the
beginning, need to kind of pay attention, like what's going on
here, and realize that all of that is part of that filtration process
has to come out, like let it all come out. And then find your, your
balance and rhythm, because you realize that this is, you know,
the month to do that and maximize your time in, in all of the things
that we're taught to do, right prayers, the bad, the good, Quran,
all of that is to help us to manage that. So self regulation,
when it when and again, outside of Ramadan is all of these things. In
Ramadan, it's specific to really using your time wisely, like your
time is so important in this blessed month. And if you waste
it, or squander it doing doing anything, of no use, for example,
yesterday, during this workshop that I had, there was a brother
who was mashallah very honest. And may Allah bless him and reward him
because he was vulnerable. And he shared with everybody that one of
his struggles is that he actually watches a lot of television,
during Ramadan. And it's something that he, he just, he doesn't like
himself doing it, he actually hates it, he does it. But he's
kind of, I think habituated to that. And, you know, it's a way to
buy time, there's, there's sometimes the days are so drawn
out, and the hunger can overwhelm you. So we turn to these different
mediums to escape. And so he was saying that that's what he does.
And he was really sitting with a lot of guilt with that. So I just,
you know, I wanted to sympathize, because, you know, he was isolated
from his community, he didn't have a car to be able to do certain
things. So there are people who are in circumstances like that.
And that's why we have to be compassionate in the way we answer
to people. But I just told him that, okay, so if that's something
you're struggling with, and maybe the rule that you have for
yourself, and this is where again, you have to regulate, yes to
regulate himself, is that you're going to do it better, you know,
if you if you want to watch TV, for example, or social media, then
just have a rule that says, I'm not going to indulge in things
that I know are absolutely wasteful and harmful, or
completely haram, but maybe educational, maybe beneficial, and
there are options for us. So you know, kind of imposing that rule
upon yourself that in this month, the time is so precious, that even
if I have these weaknesses, that, you know, I'm going to try to
somehow you know, work around them and make sure that I am not again
harming myself or squandering this the time of this month. So that's,
you know, self regulation. And then we have, you know, the third
quality, which is motivation. And there's so much to say about each
of these, by the way, I'm you know, just because our comments
are brief here, I can't get into all of them. But there's I've done
several talks on this before but just in the context of Ramadan,
you know, to be motivated, I love that Allah subhanaw Donna, you
know, kind of has made the reward of of Ramadan mysterious to us,
like, we really have no idea just what the rewards are. And he even
in one verse says that the fast is best for you, if only you knew.
And I love just even the phrasing of that, because it's really, you
know, how helping us understand that there are things that we
love, there's a lot of things that we don't know, right. But when it
comes to the reward of our thoughts and the sacrifice of, of
the fact that we're doing and all of the other things that we do our
charity, our prayers are to us in this month. There are secrets only
known to Allah subhana wa Tada. And that I think, serves as a
great motivator in that all of the things that we second guess about
ourselves that we feel a lot of self doubt about. And you know,
guilt over our past is that this is a reset. This is the Ultimate
Reset. And that's why when we have the gift of witnessing Ramadan, we
really have to look at it as like a, you know, this is a
a, you know, an extension right? It's an opportunity from Allah
subhanaw taala for us to reach back and
And to get closer to him, but he's extending the opportunity to us
it's a gift. It's a windfall, right? Because it's time it's,
it's so it's so much, there's so much better, like I said, that we
can't really know. But to have that as a motivating factor. And
then of course, you know, to look at the, I mean, when you're
reading all of the beautiful commentary on just the rewards of
the month, and the different times, for example, when you're
breaking your fast, when you're waking up for the hedger, then
you're praying at those times those beautiful times of, again,
intimacy with with ALLAH SubhanA, WA, tada, and then all of the
other words, deeds, that we're doing just that there's this,
again, this, this, you know, this, this mystery to it, but it's, it's
for, for us to incentive, it to be incentivized to do those things.
And so just to find those, you know, to, to pursue those deeds,
and also to increase our, our reading of the book of Allah spa,
this is probably, I mean, it is, we all know that Milan is the
month of the Quran, it's the month that we are supposed to really
connect with the book of Allah schemata. So that's also another
really important part of being motivated is that, you know,
finding goals that connect you to the Quran. And so if you can read
the Quran, Al Hamdulillah, then a good motivating thing to do just
to keep yourself going. And if you're part of the masjid, even
coming to throw away and praying those prayers, and doing a huddle
of the Quran should be something that gets you up every day, like I
it's another day to, you know, again, finish my judges, whether
I'm reading it myself, or I'm coming to the throw away, and I'm
listening to it, or I'm listening to it at home, there are a
multitude of ways that we can really have that connection. But
having these goals, right, this sense of accomplishment is also
one way that we can feel motivated. So that's the third
quality, then the fourth quality has to do with empathy. And I love
this, you know, because I remember when I was younger, and we learned
about Ramadan, that always stuck with me, even as a student in a
Muslim student in a class in seventh grade, when the, you know,
the chapters or the in class, when we would start talking about
Islam, and this topic of Ramadan would come up that was always
framed, as, you know, Muslims fasten Ramadan, as obviously an
act of worship, but also to sympathize right with other people
who are hungry, and who are, you know, in these impoverished
states, so it was always framed as an action that Muslims do, to
bring about this concept of empathy. And I really appreciated
that growing up. And, and even now, I think we all know that
that's one of the central reasons why we, we fast, just with, you
know, withholding all of these indulgences that we partake in
every single day of the year, for a month, and not even the entire
month, by the way, it's just during daylight hours, right. But
sometimes we, we forget that, you know, once the sun sets, people do
tend to kind of default sometimes into those habits, but just those
daylight hours with restricting yourself with holding yourself so
that you can feel the pangs of hunger, so that you can really
realize that there are, you know, millions, if not billions of
people in the world who are in that circumstance, but it's not a
choice for them, it's not something to do as an option, this
is their daily reality. And they don't really have, you know, a
huge Iftar or so who are waiting for them at different intervals,
you know, during their day or week or month, they just basically
survive on what they have. So empathizing with people, for you
know, during the fast and also the charity, right, we know that the
prompts I said it was most charitable during the month of
Ramadan. And that's also something we should do. So this is the time
to really think about all the different organizations, or even
individuals that you may know, that are in need, and to, you
know, to just put aside all of the things that you trivial things
that sometimes we, again, we, we give intuitive because, you know,
buying consumption is enough, right? If you're constantly just,
you know, on these, now we can shop online, so everything is so
easy and convenient. But we do it almost, you know, automatically,
we're not even thinking sometimes, Oh, I like this, I'm gonna go
click and buy, click and buy. And we do that so much. And sometimes
half of the stuff remains in boxes, and we don't even use it.
Because it's something that again, it's a modern phenomenon for those
who are privileged to have that. But it's a time to stop that right
and to not indulge in that, you know, that that habit into rather
do that for other things, right. Other causes, like donations, you
know, launch good, whatever campaigns that you see that you
want to support, but really amping up your charity for the sake of
Allah subhana wa Tada. So that's, you know, empathy. And there's,
again, so many, so much more we can say about all of these
qualities. But the last one, the last quality of emotional
intelligence is social skills. And that's the other incredible thing
is that again, when you look
At the month of Ramadan, we really do have an opportunity to, to
maximize our growth in all of these five qualities because
social skills are something that as I mentioned before, we are Dean
that is the dean of Gemma we we do, you know, encourage being
social, obviously to everybody's, you know, ability, but we come
together for prayer we come together for to break our fast we
should anyway, we do a lot of things together, we're fasting
together. So the idea of developing those social skills is
really important as well. I know, during COVID, for example, it's
been researched as well, that the mask served as a barrier for a lot
of people. And it's been a little awkward, right? Coming out of
that, you know, that. That state of just not really having very
limited contact with people not really talking much to suddenly
being back into your community. It's hard for some people,
especially if their temperament is more introverted, but we do have
to remember that, you know, the prophets I said, I'm in the most
difficult times was always accessible, and he was always
smiling. It was, you know, so many descriptions of him always
describe him as having the most cheerful disposition, welcoming,
warm, giving the sounds we know, of course, it's sunnah. Replying
is foreign, just knowing these basic rules about you know, when
you're with in gatherings, for example, you know, if you're in a
pair, you don't talk secretly, or in a language that a third person
or other people would know, around you, you don't want to exclude
people. So anything that that, you know, reminds us to not be to be
responsible when we're in social settings, is really important. And
everybody has to again, look at where the area that they need to
work on. But it's something that is easily managed, if you're just
again, reading the Sunnah, and really internalizing his way and
starting to adopt this attitude, that everything that I do that is
in conflict with the way of the messenger of allah sallallahu
alayhi wa sallam is not good enough. And I need to undo that
and adopt his way. Because this is how, you know, I mean, it's just a
fact that if you want to be a better human being, then the only
path to do that is to follow his way. And so really accepting that
and, and working on that in the month of Ramadan in all of these
areas, right. So and have the letters, again, so much to say
about motional intelligence, I definitely encourage all of us to
know about this framework to understand it. And if you have
young children, even as young as preteens, or adolescents, I teach
these classes to that demographic for a reason, because it's a tool,
this is a skill set. And the earlier they can learn it and
develop it, the better it will be for them in every area of their
life. Because again, it helps them to really appreciate the value of
our deen and the prophesies in this example, because all of these
beautiful wisdoms were were given to us centuries ago, by way of his
teachings and so Hamdulillah you know, I encourage everyone to look
into this, I encourage everyone to inshallah really work on managing
themselves and in this month, because this is really what
Ramadan is about. And on that note, I wanted to actually share
for those of you who may have this the book purification of the
heart, one of the appendices in the, in the in the, at the end of
the book is actually entirely on Ramadan. And it's a it's an
excellent, there's an excellent section here that I really think
everybody should read. It's a few pages but there's a part here that
I wanted to just read for all of you Inshallah, so
Bismillah
the Lord to lower the believer into doubt is Satan's game. To
protect oneself from this is a personal responsibility. We are
explicitly told that Satan's Guile is weak, and that he has no
authority except over those who choose to make themselves
vulnerable, and who are diluted, so to shield against Satan's
whisperings, one must guard one's creed and sound, belief and shun
shady devices. This entails confirming one's worship with the
Sunnah, or established practice of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi
wasallam. It requires deepening one's knowledge in Islam and its
various sciences. If Satan sees that he cannot assail one in
matters of creed and belief. He then comes through the door of
shalhevet lust and desire. Our desires are integral parts of
normal creation and function, but when they evolve into masters that
we consciously or unconsciously serve, this is a problem that can
become severe enough to drag us outside the fold of guidance.
For Satan the store can be lucrative, especially with
consumers of media, who receive a steady stream of messages that
make le sensuousness and excessiveness appear normal. The
Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam told his companions to be
wary of Satan and his designs for he flows in man's veins. Just as
alcohol flows in the blood delivering its debilitating
effects to the brain, liver and other organs, so to do Satan's
machinations and enticements. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa
sallam said that fasting is half of patience, and patience is a
quality indispensable for a successful life and afterlife.
Satan traffics impatience and despair, while fasting exposes the
folly of both the scholars of spiritual purification and advise
this Be patient with regard to food, which is the primary urge
and with regard to *, which is the secondary urge, conquer these
to the rest becomes easy. There is another Hadith stating that
patience is half of Amen. So fasting is a quarter of Eman.
There is yet another Hadith stating that God, the Exalted
multiplies the reward for a good action tend to 700 times except
for fasting. Fasting is my own and I shall reward it, which indicates
the enormity of the reward for proper fasting. God says, Those
who are patients shall be rewarded without measure. In chapter 39
Verse 10, fasting and patients are deeply rooted patients to is an
important key to the opening of favours from God hamdulillah and
there's so much more in this amazing chapter on Ramadan. So I
advise everyone who has the book, purification of the heart by
Sheikh Hamza Yusuf to please read that section as a good review. In
preparation for this month. May Allah subhana wa Tada again enable
all of us and gift all of us and bless all of us with the ability
to witness the coming of this blessed month of Ramadan in sha
Allah Allah Allah but it will not Ramadan, Aloma banana Ramadan
Allahumma Bonilla Ramadan mela is planning to give us the best
Ramadan of our lives. May He accept our fast our prayers, our
doors, our charity or Likud our recitation of the Quran when he
fortify our hearts and our faith. May He give us conviction in our
faith and may we may he guide our children and give them strength in
their identity as Muslims and inshallah bring Sakina and
blessing to our homes. I mean, your anatomy and I mean the
anatomy does that come well. Hainan was set on wanting to heal
but again