Hosai Mojaddidi – Leaving a Legacy Through God Conscious Children A Mindful Ramadan Ep 03
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Welcome to a mindful Ramadan 2022 leaving a legacy this year our
goal is to inspire each of you to choose how you want to be
remembered, and to ignite the passion for contribution, whether
at home or on a global scale. Salam aleikum. My name is Hala
Banani, founder of the mindful Hearts Academy where we help women
become the absolute best version of themselves in a loving
supportive community. Our guest today has been serving the Muslim
community for over 25 years as a teacher, public speaker, writer,
spiritual counselor and mental health advocate. She currently
teaches spiritual development classes for adults through MCC
East Bay. She is actively involved with her local community and
offers talks throughout the year on a variety of topics. She also
promotes social emotional learning and teaches about emotional
intelligence regularly to students of all ages and educators via
workshops. She's a wife and a mother of two and resides in
Northern California. I'm excited to introduce our guest today and
my dear friend Jose in which
we will be discussing leaving a legacy through raising God
conscious children salaam Aileen
Catherine, how are you? Alhamdulillah doing super myself,
Allah and Nick, we have had the wonderful opportunity to have you
as a guest speaker and a dear as everyone loves you on the mindful
Hearts Academy. You've talked about emotional intelligence,
you've talked about purification of the heart. So the you are such
an integral part of it. Michelle, thank you. It's always such an
honor to be with you. And all of the wonderful sisters who are part
of these programs. Marshall, I've enjoyed every single session we've
done. The conversations are always dynamic. And you and I, we talked
about our synchronicity we just have a lot about the nation. So
thank you for the honor of being invited and also the poster
session. Absolutely. And you are a martial law, you've been with us
this is season three, and you've been with us each year, you've
added so much value reward to for all the beautiful perspectives
that you have shared to our community. And we can't wait to
hear more. And
I feel like we're just reflecting the light that you are putting out
there Michelle, for you to please programs together. It's really
incredible. And I'm, I'm just so honored. So thank you.
The honor is all of my interest, I can lock me I like Sam, we do our
part and the Bad Cat is is from Allah Ma sha Allah. So I'm really
interested to find out who is your source of inspiration? Wow. That's
a deep question. I mean, immediately when I, when you think
of a question like that, for me anyway, I go back to my childhood,
because that's kind of where a lot of our inspiration starts. Right?
What are we inspired to do with our lives? And What vision do we
have for ourselves? So there's so many people watch that I love that
I feel very blessed with Alhamdulillah in my life, family
members, of course, I, my parents, my grandparents, teachers along
the way. So it's really difficult to pinpoint one person but I think
if I were to look at my, my life where I am now and everything that
I've done, I mean, I think there's the obvious answer is, of course,
our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. It's because like, you
study his CLI, and you see the mission and all of the, of course,
beautiful virtues that he possessed, you, you're filled with
all with hope you're filled with something to aspire to, right? So
I think all everyone who's who I felt in some way, one way or
another, they had they they influenced me or they made an
impact, I can draw connections back to prophetic qualities or
virtues that I saw in them. So whether when my father, you know,
who was just always very loving and affectionate was
never held back, even though he comes from a tribal push through
an Afghan culture, where men are supposed to be tough, but he was
very affectionate, always hugged and, and just embraced us and
loved us. That of course, reminds you of the famous heavy rocks I
said, who taught that man in particular anyway, about showing
affection to his children? I could find that with every single person
that I feel has made a real impact in me, they always take me back to
something that I can identify in the Prophet sallallahu sallam. But
I think my siblings I mean, I'm very inspired by my siblings are
very blessed to have our amazing siblings who've done just
phenomenal things in their lives that really beat the odds we came
as, as refugees from Afghanistan and despite a lot of funding
Initial and other setbacks Alhamdulillah because of again,
the guidance of my, my parents, they, they were able to really
achieve a lot. So I have two physicians, sisters, I'm sorry,
siblings who are physicians, too, who are lawyers. But they've been
myself.
That's amazing man. I love bless them. And I love how you said that
whoever inspired you had the prophetic characteristic. So it is
it is incredible when we are blessed with those role models in
our lives, and especially in childhood, because we look up to
them, we see that exemplified because that is truly a gift. And
not everyone has it. And just because you don't have it doesn't
mean that you're doing because we can always learn about it, or we
can adopt that. But it definitely sets us on the right path, when we
see it exemplified it just becomes that much easier much. Absolutely.
You know, and I think back to on, what are the memories that we hold
are retained from childhood. And for for some people,
unfortunately, it's negative experiences, those are the things
that they remember, for other people, it's really positive
people, people who welcomed them felt, you know, who are warmed to
them, right. And as a child, think of yourself as a child in a world
of adults, the people that I remember the ones who always
greeted me with a smile, but I have certain aunts and uncles who
are always so loving and warm and welcoming that every single time
they saw me, they would either squeeze my cheeks or treat me with
a lager.
And as long as you learn that, smiling and of course as sunnah,
that were taught these days to be welcoming.
You're not making those connections, maybe in childhood,
but of course, as an adult, you can see that those people made an
impact in their life because in fact, they were reflecting whether
they knew it or not, these beautiful virtues of our Prophet
sallallahu it was so beautiful. Yes, and, and that's incredible,
that what you describe that not only from your onsen, let's say
family members, but your father, to, to overcome maybe the
expectations of being a tough macho guy, but he was very, he was
affectionate. And he showed that love, it's it's beautiful to see
that. And just the words of comfort to those who may have not
been brought up with that level of acceptance and love. We know that
there is infinite wisdom in everything that we go through. And
sometimes it is through those hardships that we transform. It's
through those difficulties that we build character. So regardless of
whether you had your loved and accepted or it was a tough and
maybe you, you face a lot of challenges, so pada lob, Allah's
plan is perfect.
Of course, of course, what would you say is a turning point in your
life when you started taking your religion seriously? And you
decided to, from now on I am committed to giving Dawa because I
know that for most people I've spoken to there is there's this
decision you make or a turning point tell us about mentors. So
when I was in college, I, I became just kind of serendipitous, but I
I ended up becoming the president of the MSA even though I wasn't
practicing. But I
basically since I was very proud of being Muslim, but I wasn't
doing my fighters. I wasn't wearing the hijab, and but I
because I was I get welcomed without the same boat.
I was vocal I was outspoken. And I guess I had those leadership
qualities that people around me felt were good for the President
of the MSA. So, of course, in his infinite wisdom, he puts us on
these paths when we don't know when right. So I just took the
position as something that I it was more of a social kind of thing
for me, I got to meet with my Muslim friends and classmates
regularly so I enjoyed that part of it, but Subhanallah the during.
And before actually, I took on that position. Someone had
approached me who did wear hijab and she was my laundry worker, but
she advised me that now that I was about to take this position that I
should wear the hijab and I remember just looking at her and
just thinking and thanks but no thanks kinda
think
we're ready for it as a dog because we were culturally Muslim.
We were Ramadan eid and other times during the year but it
wasn't something that every day in our lives we had some reference in
religion, right. So for me, that was a very almost Arab
version of my interpretation of Islam because I was a culturally
Afghan Muslim, right. So I assumed Russia was not somebody that
because none of the women around me did it. So I remember thinking
that but it's upon a lot
A few months later, I went through first major loss in my life, which
was my grandfather passing away, I lay out a thank you alone Hello.
And he was a huge influence in our lives. All of my all of the
grandkids can attest to what an impact he made was just a really
amazing person. He taught us the thing. He taught us how to pray,
he taught us a lot of the just the foundations of our fates. And he
was always very jovial and just funny and just really loving,
humble, I was very blessed to have a wonderful relationship with him.
So when I lost him, that was really devastating, because it
shook my understanding of faith, someone had told me and this is
why I always tell women and brothers, of course, that we need
to learn our deen properly because someone told me and I think they
were just falsely,
they were under the wrong impression too. But they believe
or they told me that a person who's elderly will not die, unless
all of the their children are around them. And at what was at 19
years old, I didn't know anything. So I believed it. I just thought,
Okay, God is so merciful. He's gonna wait for my uncle, and we're
not here with my grandmother. And we have time. So everybody else
was kind of panicking at the hospital scene. And I'm just
thinking, why is it really worried? Uncle so and so isn't
here yet. I'm giving all the
the my grandfather is going to be fine. And it's upon Allah, he
passed away, and it happened so fast. And it was a total shock to
my like, reality and everything. And that put me on a quest to
really like, seek out like, what happens after death. And this is,
this was the beginning for me where I had an awakening. And I
started to really explore my own identity, what death what the
meaning of life was, what happens after dead Subhan Allah?
Last winter? Yeah. Oh, no, it's just that when someone dies, that
is such a it's a wake up call for many people, it makes you reflect
and, and the fact that you took it upon yourself to study what
happens after we die. And so that ignited your, your passion for
learning, really, it was just a total, like, the when you're
young, of course, we feel like we're immortal. And we, you know,
live that way, right? We live in this reckless kind of way of not
really taking life seriously. But when you see a deceased body of
someone that you love that was that he was speaking to, and I had
just visited him in the hospital, I think a day or two before and we
were I was feeding him and we were interacting. So it's really
shocking, to see his lifeless body. That absolutely was a very
powerful reminder of your own mortality. And then of course, all
of those fears that emerge that hopefully will lead to knowledge
and a better understanding. That's what I did. I just started to read
more, seek out teachers who were accessible to me to to answer my
questions, real teachers, not people who just gave me a book, or
I don't know what it was that I'm writing.
And I'm sure you I'm sure you experienced that as well, because
I had similar experiences where you're just told things and it's
like, imitate, it's not like out of God, Allah. Allah rasool Allah
says, or the Prophet sallallahu alayhi. Salam said, it's more like
I was said.
And I saw my mom doing this. And when you you, when you switch that
I know, I had to add, like around 22, press reset, and it had to go
back on zero and I got like, I have to relearn because I got to
make sure that everything is based on the right, knowledge. Yeah, I
did exactly that. I went and I had books I remember, because
remember, I was the president of the MSA. So I actually I just feel
like there was all from Allah. They would send a box for the MSA,
national would send boxes at the beginning of every semester full
of books. I just would eat everything up. I just started just
kidding. I just was like, I need to learn this and have the lab
that was the beginning of the journey for me, but definitely a
very big life changing moment. Beautiful. So you were put in a
position where you had to take responsibility you're seen as the
leader, so you have to kind of play catch up, right? And that's
it, learn as you go, that's excellent. Mashallah. And so,
yeah, a lot of a lot of parents struggle with instilling the
Islamic values, right? They want to have that they don't want their
kids to go through maybe some of the struggles or some of the
challenges that we had to go through, and they try very hard to
instill those values. However, many times they end up pushing
their children
and away from the Dean. So I want us to discuss here, what do you
think they're doing wrong? And how can they fix that? Oh, I couldn't
agree with you more. It's definitely an issue. And as in my
line of work, I work a lot with families. So I hear from stories
all the time for parents who are really struggling, they don't know
how to bring their kids back or keep them in a dangerous actually,
as recently as the day before. Yesterday, I had an hour and a
half almost discussion with a group of moms over this very
topic. So it's definitely an issue. And I think we have to
approach this with a very holistic view of what's going on, because
we're up against a lot of challenges now and parents have, I
think parenting is always difficult, and we don't want to
admit or trivialize or minimize the hardships of parents of
different generations. But I do think the struggles of parenting
today are unprecedented, and that the influences our children are
under are so much more right we have there, you're just playing
everywhere. And it's very, it's almost You can't escape it because
there are things that they don't really have an on off switch,
right, it's like a 24 hour stream of information that our kids are
indoctrinated or conditioned by whether it's social media, or just
regular media or
peer group that maybe isn't very healthy. So there's just this
constant stream of information, I think that makes it very
challenging, because I remember reading, I'm sure you're familiar
with Leonard Sachs, but I think his work is really great, because
it highlights what a lot of parents forget, which is up until
adolescence, we do have a good amount of control over our
children, right? Rather than adolescence, it shifts and, and
the peer group and the other influences take over. And so if
you're not aware of these natural changes that happen, just by
because of the stages of development, then what happens to
a lot of parents, I think they start to personalize things,
right. So it probably symbolizing the changes that your children are
going through without understanding their context, that
they're first of all, physiologically, biologically,
emotionally, mentally, spiritually changing, transforming literally
before our eyes, then on top of that, they have all these external
influences around and if you're not aware of those things, and you
just personalizing their behavior or their attitude towards you,
then I think that's a recipe for disaster because then the power
dynamic starts to really like, come into effect, which is, I'm
the authority and I need to, instead of really holistically
with empathy, try to parent you, I'm going to reaffirm my authority
over you. And that's where I think a lot of the pushing away and
alienating and the just the, the the dysfunction starts to happen
is because parents are not aware of or maybe they, they're, they
haven't yet because, again, we're just in times where people are
working full time now we have to double income households. So a lot
of our priorities are just trying to survive and looking into all of
these things becomes challenging, right? How many parenting sessions
have you done right at it, or like, it seems like all of our
massages are always offering parenting sessions, parenting
sessions, but hey, I don't know if our community members are really
able to invest that time to get into have a broader and a more
whole understanding of the stages of childhood, what kids are going
through all of these things through the life factors at play
here. But I think that that would probably be my, my, my, my
observation is that we're not understanding children or the
youth, according to the circumstances that they're in,
we're just kind of reacting to them and personalizing their
behavior. And then that's where it kind of has a snowball effect.
Very good. So to summarize, it's a lack of knowledge about, about
children about their processes about maybe even this generation.
And then it's about taking things personally, where a parent will be
like, Okay, now I'm going to exert my power, and then it's just the
power struggle. And, and this is absolutely useless and applying
maybe outdated methodology. So it's like, okay, well, my, this is
what my parents did to me, and I turned out quite well, and let's
apply it to our children. And, and really, I tell I tell the clients
I work with, because every day I hear just horrific, horrific
stories about how children have gone astray. I tell them, you can
not apply those outdated methods because if you're just yelling and
screaming and and threatening, then you are definitely going to
lose that you are they're either going to run away from home, or
they're going to just leave a slum or just do some really rebellious
thing. So may Allah increase our knowledge and prioritize seeking
that knowledge
because it's, it's not gonna happen. I mean, it's not going to
spontaneously, you're not going to have the wisdom without actually
striving, you know, striving for it. This is why it's so critical.
I mean, I know you and I have talked in the past, but I really
think we do a disservice to our communities when we don't almost
require parents to or, or prospective parents to have pre
parenting classes, just the same way we do with premarital classes.
I think anyone who wants to have children should be required to
have us teach them all of these things, because they're just kind
of thrown into it. And you do end up having to kind of learn, as we
said, on the job, but not always in the best way. Because like you
said, you're borrowing from your experiences, and the advice and
said, 90, who told us specifically do not parent your children, the
way you were parented for they were born of a different
generation. So exactly against that sage advice to our own
detriment. But I think if we started to really look at these
issues as being prevented, that we could prevent them with just
intervention before people take on the role of parenting, I think we
could do a lot that way instead of a lot of God. Absolutely. And I
mean, what I'm most grateful for, in choosing this path, like doing
my masters in clinical psychology, it's just like, oh my gosh, you
feel like it really gives you the tools, you know, in dealing with,
with your spouse, with your children. And when you have that,
and then and that wasn't enough, like I just wanted to read, read,
read, I wanted to do workshops, I wanted to take more classes,
because the more you learn about a subject, the better you can master
it. So when you go and assess
it The analogy I like to use I use it for premarital, but for
parents, it would be the same thing. If you go camping, right?
And you have no equipment, what is that going to be like?
Miserable or if you go,
right. But if you go and you have the equip, you have the tent, you
have the sleeping bag, you have the flashlight, then it becomes a
wonderful, enjoyable experience. And that's what we need absolutely
going into these relationships and shops long. Well, I think come to
that. We're supposed to be learning a lot of these things. As
we grow. This is part of the therapy processes that you're
learning, of course, who Allah is and all of the prerequisite
knowledge to worship him. But also the other important thing to
acknowledge as well, that's going to be applicable to daily life. So
learning the rights of marriage, the rights of children, the rights
of parents, all of these things are supposed to be happening
organically throughout our upbringing. But unfortunately, I
think we're like you said the lack of priority. Prioritization of
these things is why we find ourselves stumbling once we're in
these relationships, because we didn't get that work was.
So going back to the drawing board and saying we need to start
introducing means yes, early and not getting caught up in the
fantasy of it all. Because, of course, marriage, right? And
parenting is full of these ideals, which we all would love. But
they're also meant to test us right from the spirit. Right?
Right. And what you said about starting early is so critical,
because many, many parents will come they'll bring their like, I
don't know, 18 year old is like, fix them. I don't know, like they
left the song or they ran away or they and eat I started asking
them, What are you doing with them? Let's say when they were
like two or three or four, what what values that you instill what
kind of relationship that you have? And and you find that many
times, parents, they don't wake up to the realities to the
responsibilities until it's too late. It's like once they hit
their head against the wall, that's when they feel like oh,
maybe maybe it was important to spend more time with our cat.
Absolutely. No, I think that's exactly why prevention is so
important. Because, like, we're dealing with it on the other side,
right, where there's crisis. There's real crises that are
tearing families apart. And it's just devastating for our community
to go through this.
Go back to the Sunnah
and just follow the lives of our faithful 100.
Absolutely. Every day, I'm sure we hear stories about children acting
rebelliously and treating their parents which such this respect
the only I when I hear it, I can't even believe that it's happening.
And it's very important to recognize that we can't just tell
kids respect to your parents, right? I mean, this is respect to
something that is earned. So what is it that parents need to be
doing to earn that respect? Well, it's a wonderful question. Subhan
Allah actually
wrote a post a few months ago and surprisingly, went viral on
Facebook. I mean, a lot of people, even non Muslims picked it up,
because it was talking about this idea that respect oftentimes is
taught as as one directional. It's very one direction from from
children to parents. But in fact, in our feeds, we have to model it
right? That's where modeling. So essentially, if we don't exude
respect, we don't have respect for children. How on earth are they
going to learn what it is, what it looks like, and how to replicate
that in their relationships? So it really comes down to modeling. And
it has you said, going back to the very beginning, how do you talk to
children? Do you see your children as just extensions of you, and
that's all they're here for? Or do you recognize that they actually
are totally independent of you, and that they have their own path
to God, and that your job you're entrusted with and what the trust
that God's given you, the one he's given them to you, is to help
prepare them for their path to God. But it's not just to do your
bidding. And to, for you to just, you know what I mean, like treat
again as like little minions, I think this is a very dangerous
idea. And whether people intentionally or are aware of
these thoughts, there can be very subconscious, some of our
cultures, this is how children are the, they're looked at, and you
can see it.
When we go to certain functions, I'm sure you've seen it, how
children are kind of sideline taught to, like, Get out right
away in our massages, that even happens. And I have had horrible
situations personally, and also, friends of mine have been really
just heartbroken, being because their children were targets of
adults, and other people who just looked at them basically as
nuisances. And this is not our way. The problem is, of course,
taught us to be compassionate, and loving towards children. And then
of course, respectful towards the elderly, that balance, right, it's
but both are needed, because these are the two segments of our
population that they offer so much when we need the prayers of our
elderly, and of course, the lives of our children. And if we don't
realize the value, they bring, like smile, I always look at my
children. And I'm like, because of your fitrah your purity, I feel
like we have so much Ronica and a lot of hardships for.
So I think we need to just restore their place in our world, in our
society, and they deserve to be respected. Absolutely. That's so
critical that when you give respect to your children, they
learn that you can't just demand that. And I always give this
analogy to parents, imagine your supervisor comes in, he's rude to
you, he is always criticizing and then saying I demand respect.
Like, well, you're not very
respectful, you're not acting respectfully. So it really does
have it makes it difference the way you behave. Because when a
leader acts respectfully, then it's natural. You don't even have
to you don't have to demand Absolutely, they will just
naturally wanted respect. And I love that analogy, because it's
perfect. And I would I would further add, I would say there's a
very big difference between commanding and demanding respect,
right?
Very good.
To be those that command respect, which is we come in and because
we're exuding respect, we respect ourselves. And we've not
authorized your full qualities that are, of course, the prophetic
virtues that we've taken on or we try to, then we will get the
respect to that we won't we don't have to show for it. We don't have
to yell for it, because it'll just come naturally. Right? Whereas
those who don't have it and who demanded and push for it actually
ended up the opposite. You don't respect? That's just simple
difference. Yes. Yes, command responses, but don't get mad.
Right. So I think everyone's on, everyone's out there trying to
demand the respect from their children. And many of the young
adults that I speak to, they're like, my parents, I can't respect
them. They sometimes they say they're acting in a hypocritical
way. They say one thing, they act the other there's double
standards, they and when they see these behavior, it they lose
respect. So we have to be so careful about the exam. So I did
mention those points because sometimes we think of respect just
in the in the
type of authority that someone brings. But in behavior, we also
can lose respect. Like you said, if you're going to lie, if you're
going to be deceitful, if you're not going to, you're gonna have
those double standards, then obviously, you're not being
someone
That deserves respect because those are against our faith
tradition. And and unfortunately, I think that's lost on a lot of
people when it comes to the parent child dynamic, because we wouldn't
do that with other adults, right? We wouldn't do those things
ultimately with other adults, but for some reason with our children,
we kind of like it's okay, like the worst of us can come forward
with our children. But that doesn't matter, because they're
just kids, what do they know? But that's a more reflection, your
character, whether you're right, the ones you're interacting with
their children, or adults or whatever, it doesn't matter. It's
the fact that behaving that way in the first place. That's really the
flaw, right? Yes, yes, absolutely. And I remember when I was pregnant
with my first, with our firstborn, I was like, after Michi, we have
nine months to get our act together.
We need to Jude dramatically, because now we have this little
person who's going to observe us. And he's just going to copy
whatever we do. So it's like, one of the things that we said, we're
going to give up completely, like these little white lies, like,
we're not going to use it and, and it becomes so much a part of
people's lives that they don't even they don't even see the
significance of it, right? Lie about where you ate, where you
went, what you're doing. And then, and then when kids observe that
they find that it's okay, that they end up lying to their
parents, and the parents get furious. Like, how dare you love
the word that they learned, right? So it's so important for us to
take this seriously and make changes within ourselves. It's
absolute to observe, right? I mean, they are lacing up their
ears or, you know, their record.
I would always give we were, we had a minivan and the kids would
be in the car, I have three adult kids now, ages 2219 and 70. But at
that time, they were very, they were very yelling. And I would
always tell my husband who started having these serious
conversations, I'm like, listening.
They're definitely listening for you. So maybe
they're really rowdy, and it's hard to even hear yourself talk.
Just silence because they want to know, they want to know, they want
to know what's going on right? Now, I see that society makes
women feel that they they make them feel valuable only if they're
contributing, you know, to the workforce. And this leads a lot of
women to kind of downplay the role that they play as, as a mother and
in raising their children. So what would you say, is the impact of an
attentive, caring mother to our society.
So Subtitle I mean, it makes all the difference in the world. And
you can see this look at what's happening in our world, a lot of
people who come and present with problems you can I mean, as a
therapist, if you just do a little digging, you find that there was
some disconnect, there was some issue there, I ride with it in the
in those early years, those formative years, where the parent
child bond is so important, so critical to formulate, and I think
women really have to realize that this is they reside within a SunOS
of Hana well, so to think that our role isn't significant, once they
come out is just it's really devastating. But this is, of
course, because of the society of the world that we live in this
modern world, that these notions that that women have to basically
be equal to men in order to have value. And I think that's a very
dangerous message that unfortunately,
advocates apparently, for women, I have that perpetuated, right,
which I would disagree with 100%, we are unique, we are different.
And we both contribute to society, but the impact of women,
especially women who are close and bonded with their children, and
who really take that role as their primary role after of course,
their worship of God, because we understand that Allah subhana,
Allah knows his creation better than we know ourselves. So he is
the one who's defined our ideal rules for us, and our ideal role
or an objective is to worship him. But after that, of course, we have
the famous Hadith that most people, most of our scholars
reference, when we talk about parenting, you know that each of
you was a shepherd, and you're all responsible for your flock. And
then the Hadith goes in to describe what that means what a
shepherd and look like for a man versus a woman for a woman and is
the maintenance of her home and her children. So we have to give
primacy to that. And I think if we start to look outward and get that
what they call that FOMO, right? The fear of missing out, which is
really envy, it's really hustled, it's just, these are all modern
debris, redefined terms that basically speak about spiritual
diseases because if you're not content with what Allah has given
you, and you're you think the grass is always greener on the
other side
Right, which is what envy really is, it's looking out at other
people and thinking that they have
something that's better than yours that you want, you may not want
them to lose it, but you want it to, right. But that's, that's all
good for you spiritually because it was put you in a place for, you
know a time being any way to, to do something very important for
not just your family, but for the world because your child could buy
the next, you can fill in the blank, and that really starts at
home, like what you inspire, and that you infuse in them, the other
foundations you give them could set them on these uncredible
trajectories, for good or bad, and from us to not see the value of
that role and to try to push women outside prematurely, and then
leave our children in the hands of strangers, I think is really
dangerous not to say that women can't use those services, here and
there, whatever they need to. But I think a woman who really
understands her role as a mother will prioritize and manage the
raising of her children will full presence and full love and
dedication, and never thinking that she's kind of just needs to
get through this phase in order for her to really come into her
own and blossom. As a woman or as a woman outside. We can do all
Inshallah, if we really put our trust in a lot. Inshallah.
Inshallah. And that's that's important to point out because on
the one hand, some some woman listening in or say, Well, I
didn't have a choice, I had to worry, financially, I didn't have
that option to stay at home. And many people want to prioritize it
that way, but maybe they're not able to. And so I think the key
here, and many people have like, and women have some amazing
talents, where they, they want to be in the workforce and, and
provide and as lawyers and doctors and all of that. And I think that
the message here is to not downplay if you are, let's say
choosing to stay at home, don't downplay that role. And if you do,
if you are working, and you're you're managing well try to create
that balance, where you are giving that attention that I always
comfort, the parents who are working, and it is the quality
over the quantity, really, if you focus on that time with your kids,
and you just you put that extra attention and you on with them.
It's not, it's not necessarily the hours that you have 100%. And just
to be clear, we live in different times, right. But even if we look
at the time of the prophesy setup, where were the children, the first
four years, they weren't even with their mothers, and that was their
custom they would go to,
to the more rural areas and learn the Arabic language with what
nurses as our prophesy sounds example, right, with heavy Miss
ideas. And this was a very common practice. But the reason why we
mentioned that is to not say that managing the raising of children
has to be solely the job of a woman and she has to solely be the
only person around and just stay home, she can do that effectively
with support and help. But as long as she doesn't devalue that role
as something that's in her way of something greater that's handling
his career is great, and finding your purpose, in terms of
passions, and all of those things are wonderful. And we should we're
multifaceted, and 100 Allah has given us skills and interests and
all of these talents. So we should use them for good. But we also
have to have a very clear understanding of prioritization.
And as I mentioned up so little lawyers, yeah. family, home life.
Yeah. And then you can do all the other. Yeah, yes, no, that's so
important. And there's a quote that says you can have it all, but
not at the same time.
And this is a quote by Michelle Obama, I was reading her book, and
it's a very good point, because I know there was a period of time
that I dedicated myself solely to my kids when they were younger.
And as they got older, then getting into the workforce and
being able to contribute. So it's just creating that, that balance
masala and I find that many parents use they use punishment as
as a way of instilling fear in their children. And they think
that this is the way to have authority is the way to get them
to to listen, there's this mindset of leader we need to break that
child and we need to get them to submit. And we know
psychologically, this has a profound negative impact. And just
share with us what is what are the results of kids that fear their
parents. Oh, gosh. Again, another heartbreaking reality in our in
our world today is that a lot of kids
Are children who've come from these types of homes where they
were.
Either it was direct abuse, emotional, verbal, or physical, or
just threats and even spiritual abuse, or using Islam, to coerce
and to, to get certain outcomes we have to do better. Our way in our
deen is a deed of compassion, of love of mercy. And when we push
these other more intense things that of course, there's time to
play sport, we also have to have some authority. And so there may
be a time to establish a balance and being sure, find, but if the
way that you're doing it, is, again, because you lack control,
and you're trying to establish a sense of control over your
children, and you think that fear and harsher punishment is the way
to do it, then you're going against, again, the our faith
because our faith is about really making sure that people who step
out whether they're if it's for a crime, or what have you, that they
understand that there is a process of redressing those wrongs, if
there's a process of redemption, that there's a pathway to overcome
whatever you know, they did. That's so embarrassing that their
redemption and no one talks about that it's all about, it's being
punitive, and let them learn a lesson. It's all about learning a
lesson. But the lesson is not really about how do you correct
yourself, it's more about it's the ego. So the difference is when the
parents acts according to their ego, like I'm going to show you a
lesson it's not about how do you redeem yourself, I can't tell you
the number of clients I've had, that I am like the first person
who teaches them that you can do Toba after you've committed us and
get on the right track, they're actually surprised they think you
commit the sin and you're going to our stain from
the or stayed and and it's just sad, that we're not allowing this
redemption, right, this idea of okay, you made a mistake. You
broke your curfew, you overspent you, whatever it is that you did.
And now we want to help you kind of correct yourself. And if we
don't do that, then they're going to be like that expression.
There's the Arabic expect fatter body Hunter body, like
I'm doing the Yeah, that got duped for *. So why even bother? It's
this all or nothing mentality that we need to intercept. And this is
exactly why we have to go back to parents teaching parents how to
parent properly, because if it becomes this power struggle, then
yes, that's when even in when you're facing challenges, your
mind will just go to *, let's just punish shut it down. And
that's it. Whereas from Islamic perspective, it's about Colombia
therapy is refining and really giving that tools to our children
so that they can self correct self regulate, they can have all of
those wonderful, necessary spiritual quality so that when
we're long gone, that they can manage themselves, but if it's
just a matter of like you said, ego and reactivity, and let me
punish you just so that I feel like I'm empowered again. Because
you've done they've gone, they've betrayed my trust, and you've done
something against me, it's a very again, personalized way of dealing
with the issue. And that never fares well, because our foods are,
they don't work in our best interest, right? Our ego, don't
work in our best interests, or in the best interests of other
people. It's just a very selfish imperative that hey, no pushes us
towards but we need to think of what is in the best interest of
our children. And so if you're going to punish them, make sure
that the punishment fits the crime, but also that there is a
path for redemption and redressing right and that it's not a
permanent stain or like a stamp on them on their record. But that
rather it's a lesson learned and in shall have a blast.
A lot about that's so important. That is not like a red mark, like
forever you are, you're labeled as the bad child and, and just giving
them the opportunity to correct themselves is so very important.
And what I what I have found, like we talked about egos, and
sometimes low self esteem, and that's why one of the side
products have a lot of the members who have been coming to the
mindful hearts and building their self esteem, learning, the
emotional intelligence, all of these things that they're
learning. They're becoming better parents because they feel like
they don't have to exert this. They don't need to exert their
power over their children because they feel good about themselves
for the right reasons. And so we always have to be correcting
ourself our personalities, never stopped growing and learning.
Absolutely. I think it's actually one of the beautiful aspects of
our deen that teaches us to see ourselves as a work in progress
all the way
To the end right is so that we don't get ahead of ourselves and
start to create these again, false, you know, notions that we
have suddenly, or we are above anyone, right? Whether we're
parents or child, whether we know you're more knowledgeable or what
none of those things aren't matter, because we're all works in
progress, right? And we don't graduate from this thing. Yeah.
constant learning dedicated the constant learning is something
that I just got, I remembered is that I was doing a workshop with
the youth there was about about 100, Young, maybe the teenagers.
And one of the questions I asked them, I said, if you were in
trouble, would you go to your parents, and we gave all these
different scenarios of what it means to be in trouble. Now one
person right.
Now, one person, and I said, I just get goosebumps thinking about
it. Like, why wouldn't you go to your parents? And here are the
reasons one, they'll freak out. So they don't they themselves don't
have the emotional intelligence. They don't self regulate, they
don't know how to handle difficulties. So they're like, Oh,
my God, they can barely handle their own daily, like coffee being
spilled? How are they going to handle this? Right? So another
thing is that they just out of fear, they were like, Oh, my gosh,
I'm going to be, I'm going to be destroyed, I'm going to be
punished. And then the lack of being reasonable, like they're not
reasonable people. So it's just, it's really sad that they, I mean,
even like some of the worst scenarios that I I told them,
they're like, We even being in that situation, I would not pick
up the phone and call my parents. And this is all of you watching
right now. Would your ask yourself this? Who would your kids call
you? If if they made a horrible mistake? And if they were in
a difficult situation? Have you built that rapport, very powerful
to somebody? Well, that's, I mean, it's devastating. But I think it's
so important for parents to hear that because sometimes we're just
not in tune with our instinct to know right, what the youth are
really thinking about when it comes to these things. So it's so
important though to hear these, these reflections Well, as a part
of Allah, May Allah guide us to make all the right decisions and,
and to be the best parents and a way to be a parent that will that
Allah will be pleased with us in sha Allah, I want to ask you how
you want to be remembered what what will be your legacy?
Wow, I don't really ever think about things like shot, but I
guess if I thought about
in the future, my great grandchildren that I may or may
not see your great great, great grandchildren
is what I want them to know. I think, under the law, I'm a I've
always been an open book and I feel that storytelling and sharing
is such an important part of who I am. That I even as a child I
always just had, I was very open I'd like to share my thoughts were
reflections if I saw something nice, that would coalesce people,
I wouldn't have a problem being open like that. And I feel like
well, that's a sign of your like high self esteem and I love that
about you, you always are very complimentary, and only a person
with a good sense of self and, and self esteem and confidence can
give compliments.
By sound like that's one example. Okay, that I can say the same
about you. I've always felt like this beautiful just openness with
you and
comes to mind. I'm not an element adds a lot in the mirror. The
believer is a mirror for the believer. So I feel like when you
hamdulillah have inshallah received the light of this
beautiful faith and it's just natural to exude that right. So
inshallah so maintain routine being that light.
So you want to be you want to be remembered for the stories and
talking about stories. You've written a beautiful book for
children. Can you tell us about that about that? So, you know, as
a mom of two boys and I, I when I was
many years ago, when they were younger, I was looking for options
for how to just expose them to their environments. And so for
some friends of mine who had children around the same age who
came together to start a co op, a preschool Co Op actually
did a lot of singing, and a lot of the weaknesses. Children this i So
do that process. I've learned that children. I mean, I knew that
before but I think I learned that a lot of the topics that we want
to teach our children like a dog for example, man
During
unless you're really modeling it, but I think books work rhymes
anything I can kind of bring those energies together. So have that I
wrote a writing book. I haven't here actually. Yes, please. So let
me go it's a beautiful book and for those of you who have young
children or grandchildren you should you should get this because
it will it'll teach your children great manners. Let's see. So it's
called Clear the Pash Orion book on manners for little Muslims. And
it's basically done in a comic style, I guess comic book style
with like images that's like, Oh, pretty, very well done. Mashallah.
And you sent me this and it's like, it's very good quality, the
pictures are so colorful, and then and the best part is that you have
incorporated Hadid, right Hadith into the rides, to teach good
manners. It's incredible, but is actually based on a headache,
every single line and then I have all those heavy on the back as a
resource for parents and teachers. So a lot of schools are using this
in there.
That's beautiful. Oh, congratulations. What a beautiful
contribution that's gonna be a beautiful legacy. Inshallah your
great great grandkids will be like, this was my grandmother. And
that's all I want.
For you, of course, Ma sha Allah, and where can people get a hold of
you? How can they benefit with you from your beautiful knowledge?
Thank you. Well, I'm happy that available and all of the main
platforms I'm on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, I'm also on
clubhouse which is getting more and more popular but it's an audio
input app so it's actually one of my favorites because it doesn't
have all of the distractions that the other ones have.
Please look up that said Amazon, which at the day she really shares
a deep passion for the DEA and and has a beautiful way of portraying
and I really I appreciate your your time and your effort today
and every every time mashallah you are one of those individuals I can
always count on you have a beautiful heart ready to give as a
reward to and shower you and your family with so much better cat and
it can you make sense it's Robert I can you make a offer? I was I
mean resume. Well, first of all, thank you again, for again,
inviting me to this beautiful conversation with you. I'm always
ready to talk to you.
I feel uplifted, rejuvenated by yourself. Oh, you have a very
infectious way about you in the best way right? I know it's still
COVID
That's good.
Thank you. So
when they also kind of without a first and foremost accept all of
our fans and all of our glands all of our meat either our pork urn or
Vicodin are thoroughly if we're praying that outweigh every Istar
that we're preparing for our families are so hula mela subtype
of Baraka in that nourishment for our for our physical bodies and
our spiritual souls as well in sha Allah, Allah is a cat that we get
railed about the accepting and multiply it for us and shall in
this world the next the reward of all of these beautiful deeds and
may he bring us together inshallah in safe spaces so that we can be
in his remembrance and continue continue to benefit from all of
the the secret hidden rewards as well as the ones that are obvious
of this beautiful Mubarak month so I mean oh I mean I've made
anything specific for the parents they need God's
help to fortify our marriages inshallah strengthen our relations
and, and really strengthen the bonds the sacred bones that we
have with our children may the light communicate with me always
be open always be two ways, and shall love our hearts always be
connected? And may we really come together in love for him and for
his prophets of Allah honey was salam and may that be the guiding
those that the love of both Allah and His Messenger SallAllahu
Sallam be the guiding force with which we parent our children that
love to us in sha Allah as well as me that's beautiful just like a
love hate it and may Allah shower you and your family with so many
back out to me all your thoughts been answered and really keep your
shining bright for our community here give so much mashallah me I
love it better cat in your time. That is I know that's my ultimate
favorite.
Time right.
And I love of course, of course. So just like a lot for coming on
today. Thank you to all of the the audience members who are watching,
of course, it's a pleasure to have you Michelle lob and have the lead
this guy
includes this fascinating episode is Koloff Hayden, also the Jose
muchacha de for joining us for such an insightful discussion on
leaving a legacy. We hope you're inspired and motivated to leave a
positive and strong legacy for your family and the OH Ma. If you
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