Channel: Hasan Ali
It is a it is an important aspect, that if you are if you are going to need certain people, or certain foods or certain ways of being together, then you will have to marry the serve the same culture by the same sister of the sister of the same culture. Nothing wrong with that is not being racist. Because we we are familiar with one of the most similarity there is, the more closest there will be, however, because just because a person wants to marry someone outside the culture, please don't discriminate them.
Don't say that. If your mother is saying to you, your father saying to you that you can't get married to why because they're from a different district because they're from a different culture. Are you both? You know, the whole point is, can you get on together? Are you both British, if you're both British, he can get on together.
You know, there's huge things that start on this. I mean, I I personally, myself, I've got married to someone who's not of my culture, I don't have a very good, very good marriage. so far. hamdulillah Angela should have a another good, good years till I'm gone from from this world with a good marriage. thing is it's not it's not the end of the world. But some cultures find the disastrous, is that you've actually almost like backstab them, you've done something wrong, absolutely wrong. It's like you committed a Kabira, or a major sin. Just because you're going outside outside the culture, it doesn't have to be like that. And most of these people don't
understand because they've never experienced it themselves. And there are 100 a generation now the way we move forward is a lot more of these cases. I hate Newton, you've you've got serious cases, right? You know, Pakistani Mongolia merges here quite seriously because of Allah.
But anyway, it can get serious, but it doesn't have to get serious for, for the Muslims, the Muslims, and Islam, for Allah sake, get together. And it's gonna be very embarrassing, it's very embarrassing when you at the beginning, make all these hoo ha, not to get them to get meritage. And then they get married. Now, after that, after five years, 10 years, they're so embarrassed to say embarrassed to face them, the same people that you know, you plotted against them. And then it also is a horrible things, there's people that even go to the extent of doing black magic, I'm telling you this, because I've dealt with these cases,
just because they don't want to be able to get married. I've dealt with these cases. Why? Because of personal personal feelings, personal, you know, some selfishness, some greed, some jealousy, some, you know, difference of opinion, because of that, they go to extend that, you know, they try and deliberately break the marriage deliberately back by saying one thing here and by saying one thing, they I mean, their response, the responsible to Allah, and on the Day of Judgment, they will have to make the, you know, they will have to give the answer on the Day of Judgment. Now, so, so I'm saying to you, so, you know, you got to balance what is it that you want? What are you going to be
comfortable with? Are you going to control with the system from your own culture?
from your own culture, Brother, you want to get my fine, you met him. But if you if you if you're going to meet someone, or you met someone already from a different culture, they're good Muslim, you know, what would the cases if you were, if you were in an Islamic empire, and there was a, there was judges, in an Islamic empire, your parents would have the right to go and make a case against you.
Not to get married to a certain girl.
And that would be on the basis of what would be the basis of Dean. If you were practicing, and the girl is not practicing, they are able to get the judge to make sure that you don't get married to that girl. So if your parents are saying that girl is not good for you, because she doesn't have the same qualities of Deen that we have, the bow is not good for you, then you should
you should be someone who should make the you know, you should be someone who makes the effort. You should be someone who makes the effort to try and get them. You know, to do to to to, to come apart. Because they they don't have the same Dean, the quality is not there. There's going to be huge upset like I've said before. Anyway, if you look at page two, slide eight, you've got two things there. You've got st Shara, you've got the hora
one you will do is you will consult people. And the other thing you will do you put your trust in Allah and you make his taharah. When you go and consult people, the people you consult, they have to be open with you. They have to be honest with you. And the crucial question is, if this was a person did like for example, you're asking someone is this girl okay? So the guy says, Yeah, she's fine as best as I know. The question to him is, would you marry your own son to this girl?
Would you marry your own brother to this girl
And if he says without hesitancy with honesty, you know, he says, Yes, I would, then fine. Go ahead. That's good. But if he says, if he's my son, and I wouldn't mind my son, why are you giving me advice? Why are you telling me to get married, because the only people people don't think about it feel might give you advice, because they just want to see that go get myself. But they're not thinking about their own personal lives with that girl. So if you look at here, I've got a note here on slide number seven, that the whole question at the bottom is, are you ready to live with with this person for the rest of your life? It's a serious question is not for a few moments or a few
days, right? Why do people be comfortable with dating because they know anytime they can throw her away anytime she can throw him away.
Right, that's why they're comfortable, they can change it's like clothes. And I'm wearing this for three days or two days. And as many of it let me get rid of him. But if you get married, and you know, your wife's got some cabinetry, so your husband got some characteristic smells there, you have to live with the broth.
You have to live with it, you have to deal with it. It's your responsibility. Allah says after you get married, the worst the most hated, of permitted laws law gave us
in the law Pollock, the most hated of permitted laws, Allah has given us his divorce.
Now you can get into emergency automatic, it's about you, I'm leaving you come on deal with it, sisters got problems, brother's got problems, trying to help them, try and change their character, you have to do that. Now. Now that you indeed, you have to change them, you have to just do the you have to put up with it, you have to have suburb you have to have, you have to give naseeha you have to try and find good ways of trying to make them a good person. But you can't just say for a simple thing that I'm giving up. Now what I say to most people is that it's too hard, for example, you can do is taharah before you go to see her or you can do is taharah after you go and see her
hair, you can do both, both are fine.
But one thing I'll tell you please, is that if you do is taharah before you even go to see her, you're going to save yourself a lot of money and a lot of time.
A lot of people and I just don't know what the philosophy is behind this. Here. You go. And you go to a house right? You've taken loads of gifts and the 100 Pamela talked about you. You take that. And then you go second time you take some other jollibee and you take some coupler you take some clothing and all that then you go again and again. And finally the fifth time, the whole family's getting all excited, ready, everything. And the garbage he says is taharah so he prays to the casilla and he comes in on Sundays. I don't know what to do what you know, I've seen a bad dream about her.
Or after five meetings. Yeah, I don't know whether I should go with money.
He should have been based on the beginning or early on you could have done after the first meeting after the first meeting you could have done it after the second meeting would have done it Why wait till they're ready to try and you know get everything together and then now you haven't done your you've wasted their time you've wasted your time you wasted your money you wasted their money. So if you're going to do it, do either you go before you go to see her or after your first meeting on these taharah
and then see if it's positive not positive three things that really is inside the books okay. Either you will have a dream number two or you will have a feeling strong feeling inside you on waking up in the morning or have a have yes is good in this or no there is no good in this. Or number three is they say that you see after is the hora if things are falling into place towards marriage and it's positive, and things are falling against the marriage after that, then you know, what I would say to you please is the first is the best. to actually get a dream to get a dream is the best because you have got no way of controlling that dream. Unless you try to close your eyes in daylight and
basically say, Oh yeah, sorry. Now some people are like, I can't believe these people here.
There's some people there's a person I met for business right. And I said to them do Sahara. And it was they consulted me at 11 or 12 o'clock in the daytime by 1pm. I said by 1pm Two hours later I said What happened? You know what's happening with this is I've already agreed I said I told you to is highly disruptive the Sahara
the Sahara Desert, just paid to reconstitute another one inside that made my dealer came back out.
I said Wow, that is
that is the car. You know he was so excited they wanted they ain't got no time for waiting for the result. They got the high end. You know some guy did the other day I met somebody told me they want to get married to someone so that so they're saying Allah deed is the heart as well as there is a Christian one basically, that did this to her as well on the positive I said listen that guy he's
madly in love with this woman and with a man in love heart he made the decision Please allow Please allow him to think of a country
and then he's just basically saying I'm really sorry I feel positive I feel positive Of course you feel what you feel positive before
you feeling more positive not because you know your heart pounding for that's what it is. So don't give that kind of you know bias is too hard if you're going to do probably put your trust in Allah. Oh Allah Salah is what our law I'm asking you
in this matter of mine, if there is good for me in what in fee Dini, firstly my religious affairs, Mashie my whole life, my livelihood, Rocky Betty Emery and my final outcome since vanilla Islam has made it so beautiful for us. Faith is about what fate is not about us to come the beginning fate is beginning and end. And the best of fate is what is that the end? What the end that's what he said
in number 18
you wanna you want to judge actions you just action by the endings not by the beginning. You could be so happy with this woman or this man at the beginning but that's not your ending. You have to see whether you're going to be happy with them after 20 years. 30 years 40 years of marriage that's what it's about. So that's what you do is to her Allah tell me it says good in this for my religious affairs for my worldly affairs for my final outcome then you decreed for me faculty truly were said hooli make it easy for me some robotic Devi Allah give me Baraka blessing in this when can have if this matter of mind is surely it is it is not good for me. In terms of my religion for my
livelihood, I'm Elijah. Oh, and my final outcome then first riff one was 50 an hour law be serious about this move it away from me and move me away from it or her or him work do Li l higher highs who can and then after that make Give me another cutter Give me another fate Give me another person that will be better than this person. Samira Dini be and make me pleased with that fate. See you making the Sahara you asking Allah Allah direct me. It is good for me make it happen. It is not good for me. Put me push me away right now. So if you sincere you asking the law with an unbiased heart. If you're doing that inshallah Allah will give a result. Somebody will they say in a man I don't get no
result. I've done this taharah I've done it you know several times I'm not a note I'm not seeing anything. I'm telling you. You do two records with sincerity you to record with sincerity like as soon as a lot has been said. And you do with full devotion. And you'd repeat it according to another Hadith you can you may repeat it up to seven nights you do that with full devotion. I'm telling you before even the third night you will see a dream.
And even if you're still stuck you can ask somebody else to do is to harder for you.
But I would rather say that you still try and the other two things are fine. The other two results are fine with the feeling with things happen the fine but I would still rather you make a decision according to dream because it's the most is most the most clear thing that will give you some clear direction because it will be from an the lie from Allah.
before seeing a person,
if you go to Now slide number nine page number three.
Sometimes you can see photos that can be deceiving. This is just for some information I'm giving you remember seeing a photo, seeing a photo of a person seeing a real person is two different things. Right? And please don't get deceived by by one you might be saying no to a good potential, but just by seeing the photo, somebody will look ugly when you take the picture.
Because the lens was you know, blurred a bit because it was darker blue. Because the guy was surprised Look, I just took a photo. You know, when you take a passport photo, you're not going to take the hassle out. They tell you not to smile
on your head.
So you might be looking at if you look at my passport photo, you're probably thinking I'm not as described again.
Seriously, you know when I got to the to the airport?
Do you mean the gas cans the ones standing against can get
after a factor isn't letting go? Because not because in the Arabian Sea, his name found his DNA.
So the thing is, you don't just look at photos to go and see the person. I'm going to talk to them. And when you're there, you basically be with them and like I've said slide nine slide number 10
I've said, quite a few have quite a bit of this.
And if you look on slide number 11, you'll find something important there.
Third point there. There's something with the Myers Briggs personality indicator. Now you don't have to get into this, but if you do know about it, and if you can find out someone's personality through this test, which is a psychological test, it really makes things a lot more clearer. You can find a person's character to a, to a great degree, just by knowing the Myers Briggs personality type,
I put it into the notes, I'm not going to go any further, what you need to do is you need to do your own research. And I haven't got the time to explain this. For me to explain this will take me one to one and a half hours to go into the percentage of 16 different types. And AI all humans fall into one of the 16 types. And is this four questions? four major questions, you can find other questions to find out, but this really does help. I've used this in marriage quite a few times. And sometimes, you know, you have marital problems, and asked this guy, and I don't have to ask him, I just I can look at people to spend a bit of time with them while they're talking to me. And I can more or less
work out what their what their character type is. So the couple come to me and this was August in my husband this and this one says my wife this. And in the end, I've just looked at them and they're basically totally opposite opposites of each other. I think Yeah. Like, how did these two get married? How did they choose one other? I mean, they asked him how did you choose that we didn't choose one of our parents chose this for us. That's what exactly he you know, you couldn't have chosen one another because the total opposite the man loves going out and being out and about the woman loves staying indoors. Wow, that's gonna be really good combination, isn't it? Yeah. The man
loves. The man loves chatting. The woman doesn't like talking much. Or the woman loves China man does it? Right. The man is, you know, always a teaser, or a person who likes to tease In other words, the woman hates it. woman can't stand being picked on but the man loves it. He loves teasing, winding up and love taking out the key by basically telling that
the man breaks every rule he sees the woman likes to keep every rule she sees how are these two supposed to get on together? It's a serious question. So, um, you know, there's certain things that you you might want like on slide number 11, you want to find out about the you know, the manner of the speech tells you a lot. The manner of the speech tells you a lot. And don't forget, please not performance a character try and find out the real, real way they speak. Because when they perform in front of you, that might be too shy. And they might not say the right way. But if you know the character, you will know how to speak up the way a person walks, you can tell a lot in them.
You can tell them to some people that walk and when they walk, you can just look at them. And you say Oh, that guy's serious.
As some we will walk the walk ladies will sloppy and dragging their feet. Don't tell me that guy is serious in life. Right? You can tell people that there are huge studies in this how people walk, how people talk, the selection of words, the tone in their voice, how they use it. You know, when two people are talking with them, who dominates the conversation? The key things you look for who's dominating the conversation. Now, sometimes again, when it's very you can't always tell because the woman's not gonna dominate. Like you can imagine you go and try and talk to Angie obey the law. Oh, my god, she's debating with me. I don't get married a woman. Um, she's not gonna do that with you.
Because Do you not take her. So again, it's about character to find out the real character and talk to other people you need to, you need to find references that outside of you sitting with them.
Right now, if you look on the next slide,
one of the things you want to ask for is about the golden life. The slide number 12 the goals in life, what do they want to do? What do they want to achieve? If you're thinking about going abroad, studying and getting into Islamic books and all that she's thinking in five years time she wants to open her own business? Well, you got two different Nzr Are you really going to be serious with one another? If your goals are different in life,
and for example,
if you have any worries, please bring them up. Now if you look at the last point on on number 12. slide number 12. You see says at no point should they should want to be alone with the other person by phone, text, email, Facebook, whatever. That's fitna. I'll tell you one thing is all. It all starts innocently. It all starts innocently. But then it gets into certain things that you know they're on the phone to each other for hours before marriage. They're not they're just thinking about each other. That's, that's a type of Xena.
That's a type of Xena. Rasulullah sallallahu said you can look in lust
phyllida Xena You carry on hearing loss phyllida Xena,
Muslim ally and Gina Huma another one una Zina, Houma el tema one lisanne Xena who Alcala Rasulullah sallallahu ala salamina Sahih authentic hadith a Muslim have said. He said that the is the fornication is to listen lustfully and the tongue is fornication is to talk lustfully that's Xena. Don't tell me you don't do an Annie said well yet well yet Xena has
it he said the hands the Xena is to basically try and touch and whether you touching her physically or whether you you're on your keyboard and basically talking to her and you're touching that you're basically trying to get your communication with her through lustful words, that is enough.
And you know most of this that goes on, I don't care how innocent they are. Some of these words, they wouldn't say it in front of
in front of her dad, would you really do this? Would you really do this in front of her dad? Would he be able to see all these messages and not be? You know, we'll be hopefully all right with it.
Sometimes, there might be right sometimes not. And the guy wouldn't want to show his, you know, potential father in all these emails. And the reason why, because he's gonna come back and make sure he's a proper muscle man. He's gonna do his muscle man. Again, they're circumcised him again. That's why. So he's going to make sure that he doesn't go down that line to making his father know about this.
Next slide 13.
One good way of knowing each other, and I'm spending a lot of time of this just to get noticed. Because if you do these use, you've you've done a lot of a lot of the magic will go Well, one way to ask is if you are if you was to put your life as chapters of a book, how would you put those chapters for example, Chapter One could be that I was born and brought up in a place this place I live there. And chapter two could be a move to this other area, or chapter two could be then my primary education started when I was at this school, chapter three could be that I went to secondary school, and this is where I went, these are my friends. CHAPTER FOUR could be you know, college, you
know, life changes, again, are different friends, different vironment is what I did for the next two, three years, chapter five could be University. And this happened, or one of the chapters could be my father died and I changed, or my mother, you know, got really ill, and this happened. So to actually make certain chapters of life and then you got ground for discussion.
You got grant for discipline, Okay, tell me a bit more about this. Tell me more about them. Again, please don't get too deep. Because if you get too deep and find out everything about you know the other person, you're not going to marry them,
you're not going to marry them. If you basically leave at a shallow level too much and not find enough, you're going to regret that you never asked them. So do go into it. But don't go too deep.
The family that they've got will have an effect on them. So ask about your look at the father, look at the mother, look at their siblings, look around them, see how they're acting, because their characteristics, some of those might be in the present, not all of them, and don't judge them by their brother, don't judge them by the sister. That doesn't have to happen. Go to the next slide, slide 14
It says here
that you shouldn't hurt feelings. When you when you if you want to say no to the person, please say no in a way that you don't hurt feelings. So basically, there's a lot of inner some sisters really get if you tell a sister I just send them a message back that I didn't find her attractive. I really mentally tortured them in mentally touches them. They have a really bad time coming over this a lot of potentials could come and they might not want to see anyone after that really hurts them inside. I've met these sisters. Same way. Do what you say is look, you don't have to be dishonest about it. But you just say we're now looking somewhere else. You don't have to give the reason or you
basically wait to look for another potential sale and look we're sorry but there's another place that we're interested in or something like that, give some answer. Or you might have two reasons why you said long they give you the lesser ones don't give something that's going to hurt the other person.
But now if you look at slide number 15
we find that
parents have got a lot of information fine, but they shouldn't make it difficult for their own sons and daughters. They should look for the ideal partner for the solute is fine but advice to them is don't make your unrealistic list as well. Don't make unrealistic now. Some parents right they make it their you know because
is a culture the culture says he must have a job?
Oh, come on, it's recession time.
You can't find jobs. Give the guy a chance. If it wasn't recession time you probably find a job. Even if it's not recession time. The guy's got job doesn't mean that is a low life.
He's got he's has to have a degree, understand the reasons why he didn't have a degree. Some children are not so fortunate that parents, one of them has passed away at the age of 17. The guy had to quit his education because he had to go to work. Here, he's the eldest of the family here to support his old family. That's good value in that child. He's for the last five years been working hard night and day. He couldn't get a degree but he worked to support his family. That's good value in that kid. You should take that. And please remember the Hadith. The Prophet Allah says, if a good person comes with good Dean, right, and he wants to get married to your daughter,
and you don't allow them to get my two daughters, the news was last month said there will be fitna there will be tribulation, there will be tribulation. So please bear that in mind.
Now to go to slide number 16.
What is what are the rights of a of a person who is who is
who's a father, a boy asked, say the naramata. Delano has a son has a son know right over his father, he replied by saying to select for him a good mannered mother This is one right? To give give him a good name is the right to teach him the Quran is the right. So these are responses now some parents think that they have to stay have a right over them until they die. That is wrong. That is wrong.
Parents responsibility is that you give them a good character. You give them a good nature that you bring them up, okay, you try and help them find the right spouse, you're trying to give them good advice. But you know, some parents, they just can't let go that got the kid gets married. They still treat him as a little kid. He's got children, they still teach treat him as a little kid, no independence, then he's got then you probably you know, you've you've basically a grandfather or grandmother by now, but you still got no respect for to give him some independency. One good advice I'd give to you is if you can do this, that after marriage, you get your separate accommodation. It
will really bring a lot of peace to you in your life, a lot of peace. If you can, if you're a sister, listen to this. If you've got a choice between a few brothers that come in and seeing you, you got one brother that can give you a separate accommodation, and he's got a good character and all the other things that I've said and the others haven't got a separate accommodation. I would ask you to go for the brother that will give you a separate accommodation. When you separate your independence. Our parents came to this country they did not come with all the grandparents, their grandmothers, they didn't do that. So they had a nice you know that a tough light but they say that
a nice life of independence. And I would say to you that the best at what it doesn't do for his own daughter Fatima de la Hannah. She even asked Azusa blossom to bring him bring bring herself near him and to give him some other accommodation. He said no, he and Satan alley couldn't afford a house. But Rasulullah sallallahu Sallam got a separate accommodation for Satan, Ali and Satan, a Fatima for the love and humor. And he made sure that they stayed separate from Rasulullah sallallahu his own house, while Fatima and Ali are the Allahumma up until that time, more or less they were in the household of the prophets of Allah Islam. But he separated them.
Why? On the basis of work, on the basis that he understood that when you separate and you're independent, you can make your own decisions. You've got qualms you can sort it out yourself. You got happiness, you can have your private time of happiness. When you live in with in laws. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, please I'm not saying it's a bad thing. Sometimes you live in laws. It's a credit as well, because you've got people to look after them. There's bonuses on both sides. But there's this credits on both sides. You got to look at the pros and cons. But I believe that in this country, when I've seen people live with in laws, there's more issues than people who live
separately. I've dealt with a lot of cases my brothers and sisters, I'm telling you from experience. And I would say to you that if you got that chance, please take a chance. And parents with some parents they think Yala stuff, Eli, you kind of betraying them if you leave the house. What's the parents right? The parents right is that one of the sons or one of the daughters will look after them in old age.
At least if not all of them. Now if one of the brothers, one of the Sisters of yours has decided that they're going to look after your parents, then the responsibility is afforded key fire is affordable.
Fire. That means if one of them does it, the rest of them don't have to do it. But for a parent to be adamant that they want all their children to live with them in the same household that creating a cocktail of trouble seriously, because what happens is you know, it's done back home back home is now you got a lot of space. You got, you know, the brooms are big, you know, this size hole is a room back home. I'm serious, and you got big kitchen, you got big outside, and you know, women can just go outside go next, they can walk freely up and down here. And that was the old family. Right here. In England, you got a strict four wall that is really congested already. And you know what
happens, they all come down to the same kitchen, back home, you got four kitchens,
call us be honest with the mob dad build a big house back home, there's the separate kitchens.
If they want to make separately they've got the space land you build, there's no application, you make no planning permission. You build where you want my brother, you build as high as you want. Yeah. But here you can't do that though. Anyway, saying kitchen Nana, three door nose. And then there's the godmother, the mother in law with a one. And she basically over the stick and she's waiting, who's gonna clean those dishes today, who's crushed the Coca
Cola, I want to get that daughter in law. And there's issues they're all congested, like chickens in battery and the battery hands or something in a farm. They can't move. They thought somebody knows when they fight, which direction they fight has thinking it was I'm serious. And they start talking, they start talking who did what in the house who didn't do on the house, and they make trouble. They make trouble and then the husbands come home, they have to listen now then this brother is not talking to that brother, that bro I know brother and sister I'm speaking I'm telling this to you. I'm saying this to you in the seminar. I know brothers that haven't talked to each other in the same
house for years. Or they talk only Salaam and that's it. Because of the women in the not just the women is the brothers as well because they come home, they just listen to their wife. And the wife says, you know, like this happened? Did you hear this?
And after that,
I'm gonna go out there. Right? First thing is please go and investigate what your wife is saying just because she's your wife doesn't mean she is a finished as she's an angel.
Your wife could be biased, your wife could tell you something, you know, misconstrued, your wife could have her own, you know, little bit of you know, she might have put a little masala within when she's telling you.
You've added your vindaloo to it when you're going to talk to them.
You're gonna make it really hot and spicy when you go and talk to them. But Please investigate further. What was the real situation did so and so say this is also say that no? Yes, find out. And sometimes it's between the mother and the daughter and the guy gets caught in the middle. The mother says your wife said this. And the wife says your mother said this is kinky. He looks at his mother, your mother. He's not upsetting his wife. He goes with his wife. He's upsetting his mother.
And these are happening in the hundreds and 1000s of houses Yes or no? Come on. Yes, they are happening. So I'm telling you, in this country of ours where we are living is nice to have a separate accommodation to solve this problem. Because these problems don't end, they don't end they just get worse. And they get worse until one of the moves up. By the time they've moved out. The bitterness in the heart is something unresolvable.
I've dealt with cases where they've been there for 12 years together. I don't want to go on with this. But it's I will say to you that please try and get this up. If you're going to live together. The best thing is if you're good Muslims, you won't have trouble.
If you have good etiquettes if you have good adapt, if you really are going to follow the Quran and Sunnah. And listen to Allah and His Messenger, there won't be trouble. But people don't do that. And most people aren't going to do that. And I know men in the masjid line of law was so good in the masjid, you can say, you know, I could call him dad. I could make him you know, like his stepdad if I wanted to, you know, person I could look up to right. But that same guy goes home and you know, the things he does. If you were to listen to the women in his household, you'd be shocked you puke up.
You don't beat him up. There are some people like that, again, don't judge people by what you see.
Now the one other thing is here is on slide number 16 is gossip. Low Mottola in this one concept. The Khurana said, which is people blaming you for you not doing something they expected. Man, that's
A big thing in our society, and the best of Muslims of those who don't look at that. They don't fear that they fear a lot is messenger. Allah said in the Holy Quran lyoha una lo metalline. They do not fear, the blame of the one who's going to blame them, they don't fear that and that people are liars credit in the Quran. Because if you don't listen to, you know, oh, he's gonna say that he's gonna say that. And that makes you do certain things, you just a puppet. And you are causing trouble by by doing this. And I'd say the best thing is if you got in your household, a lion is messengers, words are going to correct everyone. And if this is true to that, and final Hamdulillah, you will not have
issues. Right? Look at slide number 17.
Sometimes it's about differences in the in laws, differences with the other family, it causes a huge, huge rift in the family. Again, I'm saying to you Please keep your good ties. The one thing with your wife with your husband unit understand is you two are king and queen.
Your wife is Queen, you are King finished.
Once you're married, you're gonna make your own decisions. If you're going to have her family coming in every time and interfering and saying you better do this, why are you doing this and your family doing the same thing with that that's where problems are going to start. You should be independent, just like they were independent about one time.
Right when you making the agreements of the marriage, and I'm gonna make this
quite clear here, look at look at slide 18.
Somebody asked me just this in the break time, what is it true my sort of before I get to that somebody asked me also nothing, which is, you know, when you take in advice from me, ma'am, somebody said, You know, sometimes we got trouble going to our new moms.
Well, if you've got the man who's from back home, and he doesn't understand what's going on here, he didn't understand your culture, he doesn't understand you. And you're British. And they are and you know, you British, Bengali, British, Pakistani, British, Egyptian, whatever. But they are just one type and they're not really British, then you can't take advice of them. I'm just being serious with you can't take advice of them. You're supposed to take advice of a person who knows how to who can understand you. If they can't understand you should not take advice of them. Simple, and are most some of them that are still employing imams that cannot relate to these generations that are growing
up. And it's a dishonest service of that committee that have kept that Imam and that poor man, sometimes I feel sorry for him because he's looking for his daily bread. But you know, when it comes to his realization, he should just pack up and get another job somewhere. Because the thing is, the community suffers. The community suffers as a result. Why? Because they they've got issues and he can't relate to them. He can't give them sound advice. All he can see Is he has to keep the parents happy. Otherwise, the parent is going to talk to the committee member and he's going to lose his job. So he's gonna say, you know, yeah, you know, you better listen to your dad, you better listen
to dad, your dad's you know, if you don't listen, Dad, you can Jana? Boy, that's all he can tell you. That's all I can tell you. He can't see anything beyond what is happening inside the house. Why the father is like this. So please, if you're going to go to new mom, go to the mom who understands your background, because he has a similar background, that kind of environment talking about not going to dwell on this. But the other thing that I was going to say is, what is an Islamic what this question is, what parts of the marriage the whole process Islamic and one part what parts are not? Until Israel what is for you to go and to propose to her to go to see her is a sinner. And that's
that's in the Hadith. And he said sallallahu he said to one Sahaba he said, Have you seen he said no, he's gone. See he said it's okay. He said go and see her because she did from this tribe. And the women of that tribe sometimes have an eye out of placement. Now when some sometimes you know you got both eyes, the same place the same time when you're looking left to right, the move. Sometimes you have one eye in one place in the other eye moves, but the side doesn't move and coincide. Yep. So he says he said that is in Hades, gone see her concea so to consider is the sooner to go and to no obviously, as I said a deem to do or know the dean to go know the character and so on. Of course
with Amanda is part of the dean
then for the family to make the decision that yes, we're going to allow my daughter you're going to allow your son to get together. Yep, that is part of the dean. But after that, the real Dean is and Nicole
And alima there's no such concept of engagement, you know this whole thing about engagement or that, you know that we've actually now said there's going to be a wedding date, we've we've made the promise to each other. There's no such thing.
As soon as possible, you should have your nikka date fixed. Why? Because shaytan can come in between. The longer you keep that date ahead, the more you're going to get people talking, gossiping, something's going to come up, and someone's going to say something rude somewhere, and it's all going to be off. Poor guy, poor girl. So you keep the nikka date as close as you can. And the second thing you do is the sooner you will also know as soon as is any man or someone who's qualified to the nica does the nikka see makes her say that she's going to accept he will accept the dowry is fixed as part of the Sunnah. And what is the dowry? dowry is something which he gives to
her as a gift. It doesn't have to be an asset. It can be, it can be gold, it can be silver, it can be money, it could be something else, but there's no maximum to it, but there is a kind of a minimum to it. And there's different opinion in the different faiths. I'm not going to go into that. But the Dow is a sauna. That's what I'd say to you. Now, he's given diary on this test to be to Muslim male witnesses that will witness this nikka if that is done and they've accepted each other, the nicca has been performed. The Sunnah is to give dates after this. To eat dates, no food. Again, if you give him food is not against us. And I'm gonna explain this in a bit. But after three days of
consummating the marriage, so that day that Nicole was done wait for three nights after three nights, you will then have a walima and the walima you will try and publicize our best as you can you are even allowed to use drums to publicize this is even in the Hadees and you will try and at least have a goat to sudarsan last month said Allah Allah be Shah said even with one single goat if you can make the walima then make the walima so you should feed people on that day you should publicize your call as you know, as many of the public people as you can your friends, family, whoever to come and have that meal, so they know that these two have got married that much is the
sooner that's it.
Is there anything else remember? But anything else besides that so let's go through the norms okay? The norms is that you basically get into the marriage so they're going to have now you're going to have
so many customers here right? You can have one customer is called the Mehndi the big custom the mendi
address this outcome on for our last sacred Why are they making three different
pieces of clothing one for the men, the one for the wedding and one for the walima and they only gonna wear them once in a lifetime. This is the worst thing if they're not going to donate these afterwards right? And they come in front of me I'd want to slap them
because they're wasting time they're wasting money wasting money when there's poor people across the world who can do with those clothes. So if you're going to do that, please donate those clothes after you wear because you know I know you know you're not gonna wear those clothes again because it's a shame on you to wear those clothes again. That's what don't worry if I were this close another wedding and you're gonna say I'm okay etc.
You don't mean you will see me in a wedding you know what I do? I wear more or less the same work closer, almost every wedding a lot of white jubran and I have about three different tops on a ladder and other same shoes look at my shoe they'll be always the same same shoes. I don't care. Probably I don't care. You know say say to me I'm wearing the same clothes. So what
what I'm going to go into Seraph I'm going to try and change my clothes every time I go to a wedding wear something different never wear again in another wedding.
Right? Okay, then then, okay, on the Monday they have customs. Now again, please differentiate between customs and Islam. These are fully customs that are have to be there. And if you're going to do that, be wary of the fact that Islam never told you to do any of this. Be wary of that fact. And the second thing is, sometimes the free mixing in those sometimes is in Islam, but if there's any standard practices, you are responsible for that as the people who have organized this, the actual wedding day comes and the amount of stuff they have. I mean, I was in one wedding. When I performed the nica side of the table. We they calculated at the table that within four hours the guy has spent
you know I just can't get my head around. They calculated the heart the whole kind of food that he had the decoration, the chairs, the hiring of whatever he hired outside to carry them. They calculated in all the rain. They did and they
Because there are family members and they said this is how much is spent for this wedding 50,000 pounds. And I'll tell you, brother and sister and I'm telling all your parents in the simplest way to get married is
to go and hire and do any homes.
Another simplest way to get out you know, people can't find holes they say I can't find the hole. And I'm basically you know, we were looking for holes or you know, the simplest thing to do in your house, your backyard and gamma key.
Backup people do this. People have signed the lease right back garden, get the market and have your wedding over three days. You can't fit everyone in your house one day fine. don't fit him in your house one day fit him over three days, have six meals, different people every meal. Say it's a simple solution. I'm somebody that I cook in your back garden or cook from outside from some family can cook, bring it together in saving a lot of costs.
It's a brilliant idea. The marquee have chairs their tables that you could probably fit about 30 4050 people in the garden. You want to call it how many you want to call 300 people right? six meals you've got your 300 people inside there. You call one one group at lunch on the investment. There's no investment in that school.
Okay, you want to go next? You don't want to put yourself through that. Okay, fine, but I understand you can do in the masjid. Do it in the masjid. I have both my both my thing, the nikka and they will email at both Masjid at the time I got married in 2000 Alhamdulillah I didn't pay from my side that is for my delimiter is I didn't pay more than 1000 pounds
Alhamdulillah and asked to stay the mustard must change. I've got holes inside holes next hide them out. If you can't fit people in one go feed them two times around. There's no shame in that. If people say to shame tell them I said Shame on them for spending 50 k somewhere else. Spending 20 k somewhere else. Shame on you brother. Tell them on their face. Shame on you. And you could have spent 2000 pounds you spent 20,000 but just for what the difference is look I'm going to share right now. Yeah, the difference is that chairs can have a bit more cushion to it.
More centimeter, the chair This chair is black. That one's gonna be red. Ha ha
now this hole is got this copula this rod is no more green copy. That hole is just kind of read copy. Big deal. We're copying by when I go to copyright.
I can put in my house payment monkey and back garden. You so stuck about red coffee bringing the mustard and wrote out
right what is it the food? The food? Yeah, you can cook yourself. You know why spend on caterers? Some of them honestly without Eman without, you know, Salah cooking that food. And you're going to feed all those people. And then on the day, my God, I've been to so many weddings that you get there and everyone's the boss
as the word sigma God, you don't want to do in the car. I always have to ask. I said who's in charge Give me one and whose jobs and say an army job. He's in charge Nanana Nanana Nana bizjet me one person who's in charge. Because the thing is the person who's in charge.
If you get one person who's in charge, okay, the rest of them are gonna be grumbling. They're gonna mumbling what happens after that is what you get to the you get to the you get to the wedding hall. There's some people look, please respect don't don't respect Allah, please, please respect Allah and please respect Allah's Messenger. Don't start your wedding by doing something on Islamic. You know, sometimes I go to somebody after now say, Are you going to have, you know, music there? Sometimes what they do just to restrict me, they might switch it off. As soon as I'm out. They put it back on. Finally, is that some form of respect? Some of them, you know, didn't Boom, boom, boom, right going
on. Right? Are you telling me that angels are going to come over there, some of them that just about for the niqab, they stop for the nichetto, stop and carry on. Next thing is the free mixing. And there's people going to the wedding for what they want to advertise themselves. They want to look for other brides to look for brides for their for their sons, oh, my God, it becomes like a market. You come to market. Come on, I didn't have this. So they're common. They're basically looking at each other and they're committing their last folding and so on. But anyway, the poor guy and the poor girl have to put up with all this custom. You don't have to go through all of these brothers.
If you please do this one thing for me, you are the new generation I'm talking to most of you here or young, young America, make a change. Make a change by telling them that I don't want this. If they don't want to respect you for it. Yeah, you can put your foot down. You can put your foot down if they're desperate to get you might say my conditions
are conditions if they're desperate to get you married to sound so say on my conditions tenant, and I'm telling you, they'll come around. They'll come around
Now we come to a part. And I think it's important for us to cover brothers brothers and some brothers and sisters who are already married, or who are just newly married. Now what's important is if you look at look at slide number 20, page number five, slide 20, page five.
In early marriage, trying to decide how you're going to set your arguments, it's really important to do that. And the best way, as I said, is grants and the best way is if you've got a very good man, if you ever gonna have a big dispute and you go to the member most, most of the time, you don't even have to go outside the house. If you're a good couple, you can sort out most of your problems inside your house says between you and her
how you basically follow Quran so what is the Quran Sunnah say, Well, if you're angry, you standing Sit down.
If you're sitting and you're angry, lie down. If you're lying and you're still angry, go and do do until one.
Obviously, from the Sooner State say, We live in a shutdown regime. And if you still sort of angry, personal advice I can give you is just don't talk while you're angry.
Try and allow yourself to go away. Just go out the house to spend a bit of time outside us. is better is better than you say things while you're angry and you make things worse. Go to the masjid best place you can go when you're angry and things are hot in the house, go to the masjid. I have beloved Allah, the Most Beloved of places to analyze the masjid go there, put your head on the floor in solitude. And be with a man asking supplicate is to the men I'm saying to the women. Again, if you can get into masala in your house, if you can go to the masjid and go to the masjid.
Let a night at least go by
let two nights go by three nights go by maximum you will not feel the same even by the next morning, you will not feel the same then talk with a common mind. We agree on these terms at the beginning of the marriage you will have a blissful marriage. Even if you haven't, please do this now in your marriage, you will make your marriage a lot more prosperous. Let's say for example, you know the one thing I have to say really pleased is the the more marriage goes on the more used to you become to each other. You become like part of furniture in the house. You know part of furniture you never notice it when you're not going to notice your wife after a little while. And she's not gonna notice
you are for a while.
And you need to do certain things to notice each other.
You design things to be different now that you know when you get used to each other, sometimes your tone can get get quite harsh. And you don't realize it because you've been doing that for such a long time.
The warning is that if you carry on doing that you're going to upset the other person. Please yourself right now think about am I using a tone that is not appropriate? How is that girl supposed to feel? How is that guy supposed to feel? and end of the day, you know one thing that will pull you down Is please remember guys, that wife of yours is a daughter of another man.
That wife is a daughter of another man.
Your daughter will be in the same position in 20 years time.
And by Allah if you care for your daughter care for another man's daughters in your house.
Care for another man's daughter in your house. Because you don't know what situation alone put your daughter in tomorrow. it rips a man's man's heart to hear that his daughter is not well or his daughter's house has got complaints in other another house Don't you think is gonna rip your father in law's heart to hear that the wounds that you got in your own house so please try and deal with them yourselves.
Now we're all humans we love praise. We love praise. And Allah Subhana has made us like this Don't forget to praise one another for the good things you know, when you leave with a person for a long time you forget to do that. It just becomes natural just to mention the few things that your mistakes and things that we've done wrong and things that we basically hold each other back for these are easy to bring up. The good thing we've done appreciation a you know after a long time. We don't do that. So please, you know try and make it a habit to try and say good things once in a while.
appreciation of one another is doing for your spouse. I'm telling you here in this majlis there's never a time when I'm making dua for myself that I will not include my wife or my children, my daughter automatically. I'll always do that as a given thing. My wife doesn't have to say to me ever make dua for me because it's every single time I make them macabre.
Even when I'm upset with them and Glover
I got really mad. So now you you really, you know, you pick your heads. It has boiling. Right? And she's just left. She's left with me she has to go somewhere. And I and I say have you the holla even among rubella Protect America, protect my kids. My love to Barack and to her Malibu Birkin, even when I'm angry, as to give them never give the wrong dryer from your mouth. Because you don't know which time is the time that alone except the dryer. If you curse your wife, you kiss your husband, you can sue children. And if that's the time of St. Java, and acceptance, that door might strike them. And you'll regret that for the rest of your life. You won't even know about it. But you will
surely be regretting that in the next slide.
What to do is to please remember, there's some crucial things I'm saying Yep, still on slide number 20. Find a trusted person that you can talk to when you when you're in need of a crisis, if you want to do that, you might want to do that. And in marriage is good to have a good shave, you got a nice shake, someone who's a bit older in their, in their life, someone who's good, a good scholar, someone who's got good spirituality, and so on, if you make them your reference, if we ever have a dispute, we'll take it to them, I'm telling you, you'll never have to do it. But if you have to do it, you'll have your problem sorted out.
Please with business, money, and so on, make sure that you make clear agreements.
You know, if you have a wife, and you continue to now and again giving her some money, she don't have to ask from you and she doesn't have to steal your pocket money.
Some wives have to find reasons to go and steal pocket money, change loose change from the husband, and later on after 20 days admitted to it. Because they don't want to say that Tom, why why should a person be in that situation, it's your duty as a man to provide his shelter to provide a food and to provide a clothing according to your level. And I'll move
to the cutter you're rich, you provide the originals? You Paul, you provide them your poor state, but it's according to your level. Now, if you're always looking at another seven things that makes life easy. Tell me this, if you put a bird in a cage, and you basically lock it up, or you let's say you've got a pet cat, if you always keep the pet cat inside a four walls, the day you're going to open that door lay outside, is he going to come back?
Most likely not. Unless he's really hungry, then probably might come back to you. But soon he's gonna dread being in those four walls, that bed, you let the cage he's not gonna come back, I guarantee you that. But if you say if you if the pet knows that he'll go out and come in, they'll come in when they want they're going to have to the same way is human psychology. If you say to your wife, you better write a nice letter to me on your mother in law, if you want to go visit your father.
Otherwise, you're not getting at his house. You know, I'm saying that.
If you say that to her, and she has to wait for three months, four months, six months, and then she's got freedom for one, two weeks. Boy, I tell her she'll be she'll be waiting for those six months to pass by. And she'll want to extend those two weeks to two months. If you can make excuses. It happens.
If you tell you why. Anytime you want, go and visit your father anytime you want. Go visit your mother, I'm telling you, there'll be only a few days that your wife will want to go out your house and visit them, she'll go visit them, she won't stay there. She will say that most of the times you stay in your house. Why? Because she knows she's got a freedom. Most people make problems because they've made this rule that you have to basically go to the highest. You have to get my permission my seal of approval after licky clean, seal it, prove it and then you can go What do you think this is some kind of slave that you're going inside your house. You know, in some books or fifth, you'll
see that it says it's a right of a woman that she she has she can go and see a family every week if she wants to every week if she wants to. But I'm saying is I'm not trying to cause disputes here. What I'm trying to say is please be free relax, you'll see that she will not spend so much time out there going to her parents now. I've said this before it's important I repeat this trust is the key. You lose this tennis game over for marriage.
Page Six, slide number 21.
There are ways to include the ways to make your your marriage last better and have happiness.
Remember that Allah should be the focus. So do you have time in your house? The simple thing now and again, mentioned Allah and His Messenger, read Hadees take the book of the other side of him. Read it between yourselves is your wife reading Islamic books is the husband reading Islamic
Books is important that that happens if you're going to make a life. And that whole life is every time you get two hours or three hours, you're always watching a film in front of the TV. And that's your relaxation time, I'm telling you that after a while, you're gonna start getting fed up with one another. And when the argument starts, the only thing you got in your head are those films, and how they argued on those films. And how lovely that man was with his wife on the film, or in EastEnders, or in neighborhood, wherever it is, right? And you're looking at your UI and you're so sweet as that girl on TV. And she's thinking Why are you so good looking at maganda TV is a mecca that is in the
subconscious mind. That scene is lovely, you know, life is not life is not a TV show. And life is not a fairy tale. Life is serious stuff. Life is not full of these people who can just act for you on TV. But what will happen if you carry on watching TV or watching TV, you get an impression of how life should be and you expect it. Your marriage should be shouldn't be ruined because of others. You are who you are. And the best thing is, when you've got arguments, there should be some Hadith in your mind. There should be some Quran in your mind. They should do wicked in the house. These things will make your house prosperous, Salah should be there. If you haven't got these things then when
arguments happen they're going to be looking at enough's the ego they're not going to be looking Allah
now give surprises hadiya don't under some people. Some people they think that how do you know why is make a big issue about the anniversary you forgot my anniversary on I'm sharpening my knife you come out
well anniversary, give her howdy as many times as you want Anakin without an occasion without an occasion. You see she'll be happy to give her money give her items give a gift and let her do that with her husband. She should cook a nice dish. My husband likes this dish cookie for him. He likes cakes baking for him, but it will keep the marriage going nice. She likes flowers bring you for
your birthday where's the sooner further? He was? Where's the sooner further we not going to find flowers in the Hadith because in Medina, you are odd to see any flower right.
And Medina Do they have nice greenness? They're dying for water over there, right. But what do you take from the sooner the sooner is when rustless last we used to come and see Ayesha instead of a smile on his face. He's to talk to her nicely. He used to give gifts she used to make his lovely food for him. They knew that his favorite food was what the shoulder, the shoulder of a lamb. So they used two days with all the other ways to save that save that for purchase and lesson so that he could he could eat the shoulder piece. You know doing these acts is nice buying gifts throughout the year.
Now if you go next slide,
making sure in the house. Consult your wife when you're doing something consult your husband when you do something don't do it on your own all the time. If you have this understanding is good. There are some men honestly you go down the road and I'm telling you go down the street here. And I've seen it in all the sort of agent places.
The man is walking and a woman is walking their husband wife, but there's a five meter gap between them.
The man is ahead five meters and he's still talking to her.
He's still talking to
me and she has to stay you know good few strides behind him because if she goes ahead of him, my God, she probably might not ever see daylight again.
So why if you walk together in Hades, I'm doing you know what we made our way we made our culture but Hades Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi salam used to go with his wives to Gardens is not going to a park.
not gonna do anything harangue you with your wife. She's your maharam. You can just afford a stroll in the park is in Hades please if there's anyone a monitor here Tell me if I'm saying something wrong. He came once with his two wives it is getting dark and some Sahabi so sorry man. He said it's only me and my my wife song song song so this admission will a wooden thing that you with another woman. He said it Tacoma. to him.
Stay away from places where you could get accused of something. It was on this occasion. He said he was coming back with them after he's taken a walk with them. So lossless means to do that. What's wrong with doing that? Well, some would walk in with the one walking together. He was together with him. It wasn't like they saw him and then few seconds later saw her. It wasn't that the sooner is okay, you walk with them. There's nothing wrong with that.
So, you know, make sure you know when you learn. You know what most guys want to do or most girls want to do is they want to know what their rights are. But they don't want to know what the rights are.
The other person or they don't want to know those rights, and it's a serious matter please get to know your own rights fine, but get to know his rights. And it's not about you getting your own rights, it's about giving him his rights as well. Now, I've talked about
the next point.
Now it says here, the best civilized, Muslim, the best sadaqa a person can spend is a southerner on their own family. Please remember that it's a southern good doing some good shopping, buying some extra stuff for your home for them to eat clothes for them gifts for them, it's a sebata some guys don't see it as a soccer This is a hadith in Muslim of the after the sadaqa sadaqa
sadaqa Allah Allah, Allah Allah Allah, Allah, Allah Allah husband said that
page six and slide number
as a 2022
now sleeping with your wife is a reward is a reward. There was lots of plasma said that it says sadaqa they said messenger of Allah What are you saying? That I sleep with my wife by night? Basically they have intercourse and you're telling me I'm getting reward for that I'm actually equivalent to charity.
He said Don't you see that if he slept with the wrong woman or he put that in the wrong place? It would be a sinful they said yes. You said the same way if you sleep with her and his his wife is highlighting its reward. If you're looking at a harder time to go into this, I shall have the alarm on her mother says when we used to sleep together he used to foreplay with me I used to flow for play with him in bed. These are the asuna Rasulullah sallallahu said don't approach one of your wives like animals approach other animals.
You have a heated argument with your wife and then you jump on a nighttime
just jump on her just like an animal just jump on another animal. That's not as hard either words of Hadith words of Hadees I take heed
No, there has to be foreplay there has to be emotions there has to be love there. And there is nothing wrong with them sleeping with one another. And sleeping again and again with one another and if you look in Sahih Muslim, there is the sahabas form of contraception which is what which is that they used to have coitus interruptus which is what is that the male would pull out his private part before you reject late so he would exactly it outside and they wouldn't have children. He said jack Ron said could not
gonna nozzle for an end.
User when we were inside it, we were in a time when we were doing this action the Quran was still coming. There was no there's no reprimanding from Allah of doing this. So if a couple want to be together like this and night after night, they want to sleep with one other bit. Now again, people ask how often should you sleep with one another like this? It depends upon you.
It depends upon you don't overdo it.
Otherwise you're going to be basically you know, struggling down the stairs. Right? Well don't even be like those people who basically make it you know, every Friday we get together Saturday no Sunday no Monday through Friday is gonna come and you know, get live.
You got you understand some women they make an issue about about you know, my hands gonna be wet. I have to basically dry I have to drop the kids off at school and this is not
the man God desire.
I'm saying something serious. I'm telling you.
What I need to say to you because it's a serious crisis out there. The woman says you know only on certain nights I'm not in the mood, this and that. Okay, fine. If she's not in the mood and she sees is not in the mood, then don't guys like the sources and said don't approach. You know, your wife like animals approach. Animals don't do that. That's the wrong thing to do. But hang on a minute. If she's saying that I'm the only wife you're going to have, you know what my teacher said? Is it a wonderful thing you said, when you're marrying a woman from this country, she makes sure that you say a new Shahada before you get married? Because the Shahada, she says say this, say that you
witness that I am the halacha de khattala and the only wife you're gonna have, I've got no partners. Allah has no partners. I've no partners.
I should make you say that before you get married. She's not going to accept you with another one. Okay, fine. Now, sister, you said that I'm not gonna marry again. 45 agree that we do if you've got a mutual agreement between ourselves, then when a man's got pleasure, and he's got in his he needs to fulfill his desire. She should make the effort and somehow when she's got the desire, he
should make the effort I should happen, because otherwise the guy is going to start looking elsewhere. Then when he comes home one day and says,
you know, we might for long I think they could get a sister that could help you in the house in. You know, another one you will get sister. Yeah. And I'll
talk about otherwise, you know, when he says that don't blame him. When he's basically even there's some guys honestly, they they, they can't fulfill their shadow with the wife and they end up doing heroin, either on internet browsing on her arm things. Now some guys have a problem anyway, right? There's this messed up because they've been watching too many wrong films. Some guys have messed up because they've been watching the wrong films. And that's why the whole mind is messed up. But some people they and it's wrong still is wrong. If your wife hasn't made you fulfilled your pleasure, and you're going on to the internet, look at you know, pornography, wherever it is, you are still
accountable to dev Jasmine. Don't don't make no excuse. But there are people who are doing that there are people on the streets that can't control the eyes the Congo themselves because she's not fulfilling his rights and he can't find a way out and they are stuck in the middle sandwich.
By the way, making jokes cracking jokes sending even love letters I've written this in the thing pattern why because these things live in the whole my job send cards to one another gone holidays take a break from a holiday whose wife was what he said taken what Jihad expeditions he's to choose he's to have an Easter have a balanced system, which wife is going to go in with a journey on his on this journey you had seen her This is like a little break for them. I'm not saying it's like a holiday with like a break for them outside the house outside the norm. We'll try and make an outside of the norm for them as well say Sam, when you come home slash smile when you come home.
Forgive easily and don't hold grudges. Now some guys that are really, really horrible because they've got hard hearts. And some women are like that some women they've got hearts, I'm telling you, the car, the car forgive so easily and it makes life really difficult.
Okay, now, we nearing to the time got quite a few questions, and I've got a
few axioms of this I want to cover. They're all important points. Now guys, if you if you don't get the chance, if I don't get the chance to cover all of this, you can just read some of these points and you can just get the message that I'm trying to give you.
So slide number 24 is not about you know, what happens is how you deal with things. Don't try and aim for conflict. Try and turn to Allah like I've said, the word talaq never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever used.
I put so many episodes because you know the amount of people that come to you and say,
I was angry. I didn't know what I was saying was the heat of the moment.
I can't remember fully. And, you know, please There must be a way out and people are looking for another go to find opinions about three talents being one talaq and all that, just don't use that word, please take out of the dictionary, what you do is if you seriously considering it, go and see any man, go and consult him. And what he will tell you is he will try and look for every avenue to try and secure the marriage save the marriage than to go into Turlock. And even if he was to ever come to that decision of given talent, he will only say tell you to give maybe whole offers give us separation, or he will say to you just give it a lock once that's it. That is the sooner but no more
than that. And that would be even after every possible way of trying to secure and save the marriage. Okay.
If you go to the next page,
page seven, slide 25.
Look at positives in one another. Don't look at negatives.
The intention shouldn't be just picking on faults, the intention should be looking for a good solution.
If the partner is ever really silent, you should know that either everything's going right or there's something wrong.
So bear that in mind. Sometimes what concerns you and you think that's my concern might not be the concern of your partner. Please remember that they have different concerns.
If you hear rumors about one another, just get to the source first. Don't act upon rumors. Don't act upon those somebodies offended because it's been a rumor. And the rumor got so bad because the rumor turned into gossip and the gossip turned to facts and the facts and to Chinese whispers and Chinese whispers everyone added a bit of butter on it. Whoever came marmalade butter, whatever became a sandwich that was so big. When the guy took it in his mouth. He basically choked on it. Yeah, sometimes you have people saying we will make things up. Get to the source. Allah says Fabiano and to Cebu, Colombia holla.
Investigate before you before you, you know affected people out of ignorance.
Slide 26 arguments will happen. Never think arguments will never happen. The marriage has never been in a marriage without argument. Even wrestlers. alarmism has a differences. Once you have to say 29 days away from his wives, sin Hadees saya Is Buhari even Fernandez, he said when he was angry with them, but it's how he dealt with them. He never hit them. Now one thing I'll say to you, please.
If a man thinks that he is going to suit his marriage out by just beating his wife, he's a coward. He's a coward. And if I know who that man is, and if I get the chance, or beat him up.
Because he says, Why are you Why are you here in a woman?
You know, that you can overpower anyway? What are you doing that? Because you're a coward? I'm saying is, is because you could have dealt with that in so many other ways. You could have done more Rasulullah sallallahu did, which was that look, there's a process looking later on when you look in Surah Nisa, verse number 34. Allah says the process there. And the process is that you take it step by step. And the best resources philosopher said what he said to
the best of you or the best to your family's lives. I said, I am the best to my wives, and the best amongst you to my tomorrow. So what's the best thing is that you show you know, if your wife is upsetting you. You don't have to hit it. You can use counseling, you can use advice. You can you can say good words. And if that's not working, you can basically show some emotional separation.
Then emotionally become cold with them. And it works. I'm telling you strong women it works. Emotionally you move a lot rose awesome did that. When he heard the rumors about it, Chateau de la Juana and about the if, and she was accused of sleeping with another man. It wasn't true. It wasn't true, and a lot acquitted in the end. But when he heard that, he became emotionally distant from her. And she says that in a hadith of Bokhari, he stopped coming to me the way he used to come. He stopped his cheerfulness. He the way he used to sit with me, the ways to talk with me it all changed.
Because this is a serious matter. And Rosa Salas was asking me, you know, the same thing happens on but it was this is a Sunnah. And he used that not when he got really serious near the end of his life. I said the 29 days he stayed separate from his wives and say that Omar came right into the into his house where he was staying. He was next to the house of half Salar de la. He was up, he was up upstairs and went there. And he said, Is it true that I've heard rumors that, you know, you have given you divorced, he was insane. It's not true. Otherwise, he was gonna go to half straightaway. And he would, you know, say the normal, what he would have dumped his daughter, and said, he was
ready to do what he wanted to do. And then you know, the verses came, the verses came and things were sorted out, but he stayed separate, separate from them.
He said he separated his bedside from them. And that's that's a big effect is a big effect. If you're a woman, if you look pretty straight geyser.
If a woman loves you, and if you create the platform of love, and you show some deprivation, emotionally, she will always come back to you. She will always come back to you. But if you're good for nothing, You rotten vegetable at home, and you show some emotional, you know, distance you say Marshall Alhamdulillah. You know, he's gone. Yeah. So don't forget when you try that you got to do the other sooner. The other sooner is he showed so much love before that. So much care, so much affection to his wives. They never had any complaints about you know, well, one of the things that, you know,
Michael Hart said in his book about the 100 Most Influential People in history, you know, when you read what he said about moms blossom, and his point of why he put Mohammed Salah number one is, if you read it is a wonderful piece here. It's about seven pages only. And it says that most great men, when you look at their lives, they've done great things outside. But if you were to look at the private lives, private lives, you will find that there is you know the so that said about it said Mohammed is the only one that when you look at his private lives, his father, like when his wives are talking about him. There's nothing wrong that they say about him Subhanallah
they talk so wonderfully about him. And that's what he did. And then when he showed them emotional deprivation, they felt it and they wanted to
be a wives of the Prophet and continue to live in a law school. If you want a lot of message in the community. If you do
Do you want the world if you want the world and the prophet will let you go in a nice way,
Sara and Jamila. But if you want a last message and stay this way, and they will given certain orders in the plan, I'm not going to get dynamic. I think
we're never going to get to the end of this question. I did tell the brothers to give me more time, by the way,
and they will try to give me less time
when I read the law,
this is this is prioritises.
All right. I will try and
I'll try to look is it's like 15 minutes to quote apostle said, he said we'll start the Jamaat corpus inshallah, so I'll try my best to get whatever I can through. So if one has spoken to parents regarding marriage, and they are making excuses such as get a proper job, even though one has one, what steps should the individual take without being disrespectful to to his parents?
Look at some questions. I'll be honest with you, unless you get the whole sinner. That's what I'm saying. None of these things you have to go to your mom's for. Why? Because I need to ask this person, their parents, what are they? What's their background? What's the background education? And what efforts have you made? What exactly if it is made? Is it something in the back of their mind? They've got against him? They're just trying to make an excuse for him to just go.
Sometimes people do that they make they make excuses. But are they really serious go and get a real job they will give you if they're serious. And you know, he's trying his best and letting wait. But, you know, my advice to the parents would be is Look, listen to the professor, listen, if he's a good man of taqwa just Mariota. Because you know, some guys, I'll be honest with you, some parents, some parents, they've lost the plot. They think the guy has to have a job in order for the daughter to be happy. You've lost the plot, because your daughter will bring her risk with her when she goes to that man.
Your daughter's risk is written by law, his visit, which amount? Are you trying to tell me that you give your daughter I mean, I'm saying look, if he's a good guy, he's got nice taqwa. He's got nice, Dean, right is everything else good. But the only thing he doesn't have his job at this moment. But you know that he's a person who will work he's not lazy. He's not sitting on benefits all his life, right? Waiting for the next door, you know, waiting for the next government voting for a big high price. It's not that hero is a decent person. Look, I'll be honest with myself, when I got married, I didn't have a penny.
I didn't have a penny. And I looked around for I didn't even have a place to take my wife. And Allah provided that I'm telling you, Allah will provide you because you know, you got your own risk, but your wife has got her portion of risk. Once you get together, you got to risk. You got double the risk. And Allah will show you tell me these guys are how many of us were fortunate when we got married? As we are today, after 10 years or 12 years? Yep. Right. Some of you nodding your head. You know, you're the where does it come from? I'm not giving it to you. So if that's the only thing Please don't tell your parents that alone provide leave to a lot. Don't you know, scratch your
heads? You know, till you stop bleeding, to think about how you're going to provide your daughter.
What if your first wife is not happy with you marrying again? Can you go ahead and marry a second woman? Ah, love this for me too.
For me to answer this one, I need a lot of minutes. Again, I need to ask you why she's not happy with you for
your first one is not happening. So she's not happy to get married again. Why? Um, there's a reason why why is it
you need to explain that. But let's just say if a guy did get married, I'll be honest with you look, yonaka will be done.
You don't need permission, fine. But you may ruin your life.
You may absolutely ruin your life. And I've had cases where women just by hearing that their husband might marry someone else. I'm not giving you sisters ideas here. But I've had I've I've heard that the woman you know has taken over those and ended up in hospital woman has dropped herself down the stairs in Berlin or broken something, you know, things that they might do to try and get the attention of you. But not just that but I've heard CS mo cases that she's basically taking the children away. She's filed for divorce.
She's filed for divorce. She's changed the locks of the door
you know the guy comes these keys not working anymore. Yes.
This case is worst case scenario. The one I had is that now we live in Dallas. She put petrol on the bed 3am in the morning, as you sit here like
what's happening South London, the Muslim family house and the worst case scenario Now again, horrible things but the thing is, you need to you need to see as the assess the situation until you brothers look. One thing is
if you've got a
Good Wife, and she's trying to satisfy you to the best of what she can do. And the only thing is is agreeing to have another wife.
And there's no real necessity or there is a necessity but you just, if you sleep with your wife down again that necessity is under control. What I would say to you is the way to control yourself if you think that another wife will come and ruin your life
is and ruin your other wife as well wife and life. Then what you do is you get into liquor
you get into Vicar
Vicar comes in mind, it revives the soul it kills off the ego or reduces the power of the ego Victor and for the time to go into this right now but Victor is a different forms Victor. One good one is to send salutations of the prophets of Allah and sell them get into some serious physical you'll find that your own shower level or your desire level inside you will start going down automatically. And I'm being I'm talking to you from not only experience but what I've given to other brothers out there as well.
This one way out of the situation, because out of every I don't know how many people you know there are only few people only very selected few people that I know that I've got married second time in this country and with my who've managed to secure their marriage with the first one. Most of the ones I know have ended up in disruption.
The arguments and arguments after arguments are so bitter that they've they've you know, just just to separate it. But again, look, some of you might be lucky. Okay, good luck.
If you can get over the first one good luck. If you can't. If you can't, then please don't blame anyone but yourself.
Again, about parents, how do you extend to your parents that you wish to get married? Even though you have brothers and sisters older than you are? This is a nice case. I like that. I like that question. Yeah, sometimes you gotta wait you're 21 years old? You got brother number 129 years old hasn't got married brother number 227 year old brother number 323 years old brother number four that's 22 and then you're 21 if you might God by the time they get married I'm gonna have white hairs coming in my head
in my you know, I'm gonna you think what kind of situation is why is it that you have to get them married in the same order? So why if you get married one before the other doesn't matter. So the end of life? Come on guys. Let's be honest with you. Is everything everything in life in the in the right order of the children do? What are you going to do that for your children for everything for everything? The first one has to open his business before you open your business. Otherwise, you got no permission from me as that top new business when do you ever say that to kids?
If number seven, number three comes up with a nice business, you all enjoy? Yes. Well, son number three needs to get married to someone number five needs to get married. Okay, he might first and people who say Shame on you say Shame on them, say look your son, you know he he's knocking off behind behind the restaurants and, uh, you know it, you know it. There's Muslims that come to the mosque and say, I've seen your song behind the with a woman there, our fingers are up to something, you ignore that, you know, they're into it. Shame on us for accepting zinna accepted. And this happens in many cases I've heard, but they won't get it because of cultural shame. Cultural shame is
if they get some number format before some number three, that is going to basically have a big effect. That's why they won't do that. Now, I'd say to you simple is that, you know, you you basically have to go and convince them if you can't convince the get you in mind with you. If a man is not going to come with you, then sometimes honestly, if everything's right, that is right, you just have to go and do it.
If you take the right advice from the man, again, please consult the Imams. If they tell you religiously, you're not doing anything wrong. If the girl is completely fine, and everything's right and wallet, and her father has agreed with all of that kind of design, the only thing is your side is not agreeing because they need to get these other brothers of United often. Sometimes the only way to get to the other side of not committing Zina is to do the Halloween game and they'll come over it. I'm not telling all of you to do this, please, because there's a lot of dangers in this. If you if you can't stand on your legs, don't come crying to me tomorrow. You're going to stand on your
legs, if you're going to go against your culture. They could boycott you. And it could be some serious consequences. Now, when people come to me, there's a number of questions I asked. The one question that I asked is if they're going to go against their own parents, and they're going to go ahead with a niqab. There's a number of questions I asked. And not everyone will I give advice to this so please, you know, take take these are some serious that is a serious matter. If you can get your parents on your side, please. That's the best thing that you can do. Please do that. And parents need to be understanding but if the guys in the crisis be Think about it, he's
committing Zina is going to go to jahannam is killing him inside. He's the man is telling you one thing his body's doing another thing is killing him. Are you telling him he can make a match another seven years? If that seven years, guess what he's got to wait. And you you're also happy with the fact that, you know, I'm talking about the scenario where you know, it's a girl that you would actually actually, you know, accept. But the only thing is that the time hasn't come right, because your other sons haven't got married. Now, if you absolutely, and you have to talk to a moms about this, please. And they have to give you sound advice on this. Are you going to look out for that
girl? If something goes wrong tomorrow? Are you going to just leave? Are you going to give a proper shelter? Have you got that shelter to provide you from your own means? Are you going to give it to her? Are you going to if pressure comes to tomorrow, are you going to break is she going to break? If any of these things come negative then forget it, don't do it. Because the last thing you want to do is get married to a girl and then just leave her. And some brothers have done this. They've gone ahead taken advice got married, and then they just left the girl after, you know, consummating the marriage. Another break broken of virginity and after the after one year of having a secret
marriages left or gay marriage, and then to say you start working out. Don't do that. Don't Don't do that. Don't spoil a person's life just because of a few bit of desire that you've got inside you. But if it's only that you're going to save yourself janome she wants to save herself and Jana, and you spoken to your Eman again I'm repeating this speak to a nice man who's gonna give you sound advice and they give you advice to go ahead whatever and you do go ahead then then you save yourself from janome is better than going towards an objective is your parents hanging over it?
Are we allowed to celebrate anniversaries? If not, just leave that peace
is let's talk about actual marriages of if you marry or revert what kind of characters should we develop? Please consider the fact that usually they break ties with their families for this marriage in Islam. Okay, there are some brothers who want to get married to revert sisters.
Some sisters want to get married river brothers again, do you remember that they've got a lot of, they're gonna come with a lot of burden. You've got to be able to take all of that. It's not just that you get married to her. And that's it. I know some brothers I know. It's a big soccer. It's a big, big charity. It's a big reward to do this because that sister most probably will not have anyone else to look after. And if you do that, then Alhamdulillah Mashallah, but please remember that the advice I can give you is that you look when you when you sing in the car. When you say that cabin to
cabin to who I have accepted her, I've accepted him It means I have accepted her as a full her. It means her body has sold. It means her financial affairs. It means her domestic affairs, it means her happiness. It means looking after her when she's sorrowful. It means when she's in a crisis, any type of crisis. It means when she's going to be pregnant, and she's going to start puking up, I'm going to look after her. It means when she's coming to the panes of labor, I'm going to look after her. It means when she's delivered and she's basically you know, drained out, I'm gonna look after me when she's sick. And I'm gonna look after, it means when she can look after children, I'm gonna
look after her and the kid and the kids that come after. And she's saying the same thing about you in all your affairs, ups and downs and that's what it means is a serious commitment. So it's not like she's like I'm accepting her for tonight and one month and said after that, happy to live after after it doesn't happen that I'll change my mind. It doesn't mean that marriage is something that you have to have a Nia until death departs you. You can't have a temporary marriage. Oh, check it out. You know, if it works, it works out. If it doesn't work out, you know, we change change each other. It doesn't work either.
Okay, so I hope you prioritize these. I'm just going through them one by one as they come. You mentioned earlier that the purpose of the lesson used to recite three verses during any card you mentioned one certain is our the others. The other two are one in Surah Allium Rania, you're Latina, Amitabh la Hakata, Latina, 11. Muslim, are you believe, be aware of Allah be conscious of Allah as he ought to be conscious of or as he as you all to fear Him
and do not die unless you're in the state of submission. And why the process? We would recite this because it's a serious commitment. You're doing this out of submission. One shake was asked of a marriage. What advice can you give? And he thought for a long while, and he said two words.
And they're very powerful words. What advice can you give us and he said two words. He said, be Muslim.
Be Muslim. What is Muslim, a Muslim is you've submitted to Allah, in both of you submit to Allah and Allah is your source and you will not have any
Even through your ups and downs, you will survive the marriage because you're Muslim problem Muslim, you've submitted to Allah.
The third verse is the one in Surah Xobni, the NBA levina la guru Colin sadita Oh you believe be conscious of a lobby wherever last year law whatever whatever whatever the translation you want to take all of my befitting for this waku called be upright in your speech because you're making this contract
you select like America Europe right in your speech, allow rectify your deeds
and allow forgive your sins and whosoever will be allowed his messenger he has gained a truly great success that he has gained.
Perhaps the last question
sites that promote
halaal is a permissible system sites such as shaadi.com single Muslim extra,
okay, look, you're going to these sites on the internet and some people have to go there because they just don't know any other avenues to try and find someone.
And some people have found success. Through this, some people have gone to the Muslim seminar marriages, some people go to mosques and so on. And it's my it would be wonderful if every Masjid could have a service that would liaise with all the other masters and have a contract. Now, if some of you brothers have got the time to do this, please get up and do this. Every month should have just like we have a funeral service. What do you do with the fields that you got A to Zed, you come there, they'll take the body, they'll provide the book The cemetery place, they'll get the green certificate, they'll do everything for you, they'll wash the body, they'll do the gin as a pathogen
as soon as you go there, they bury it and that's it, they do all of it one package. So mosques should have a marriage ring. You go there, you give your name, you give all your details. They know who your maximums are, they know who to contact and they should have a database that's connected to all the other massage. So you're looking for a potential 24 year old blah blah blah blah this data blue eyed green tooth whatever monster right? So they'll find someone whoever in another machine who has that whatever it is you're looking for if a big network or database is built Suhana like bring a lot more unity through our must which we need already and I'm saying like guys we need already and
it will be like okay fine you got a database if the old database you didn't want site for this and what needs to happen is actual meeting so for instance someone in in Exeter you know find out this so if you want to visit them here's the map from go and see this father gone contact him here's the details. So they just leave it to them. Most don't have to do anything most just need to know to myrams to family members. Okay, you you and your daughter you and your son here don't ask us anything more go ahead if you like it go make arrangements but here's all the database all the lists that we've got for the people because we haven't done these people have to have now go to the
internet sites. Most of them are not regulated and are regulated of how they run some of them you can go there click there see the sisters picture straightaway then you and her in a chat room somewhere oh my god you causing harm straightaway if you're gonna get in a chat room start emailing her is not allowed you supposed to go through the bottom of the woman because there are also loose things that can happen like I've said before in this talk, but I you know, I wish one of you guys inshallah we'll do that just make a you know, make one side where you can have a database of all the Boston join onto it and Sharla and and we can make life easy for those people who can't find
potential spouses. No, exactly. No. Hey, I know there are all these other questions. I'd love to finish them off. But we said 2815 we'll start the demand. So it's 82 now