Ramadan 2016 – Remedies for Your Marriage – 6

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Haleh Banani

Channel: Haleh Banani

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Ramadan 2016 – Remedies for Your Marriage – EP 6 – Healthy vs Unhealthy Marriages Part 2

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This is part two of healthy marriages versus unhealthy marriages. So, last Tuesday, I was, this past Tuesday, I was giving you some of the signs of a healthy marriage and some of the signs of an unhealthy marriage because it's really important to be able to diagnose yourself and to see where you fall in this realm, you may have some patterns of unhealthy relationship and it doesn't mean that your marriage is over. It is just something to look out for something to address. And, and if you have the signs of a happy, healthy marriage and hamdulillah that's wonderful. You have to keep working at it. Don't think don't take it for granted and think Oh, we've got it made. We're in love.

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Nothing's gonna affect us. You have to keep working at it the individuals whose marriages really thrive. Those are the ones who continuously put effort hard work, prioritize. Okay, so the smell out of mana Rahim in 900 Elana mother who understand you know who when I stopped federal when I was a biller, him in surety and personnel women say adhyatma and Anna Mae Yeah, who follow him with a Lula woman yedlin fella ha de la vie, shadow and era. Hi, la la la santa ana Muhammadan Abdo who, where I serve, my bad. All right, so we're going to talk about having a healthy relationship versus an unhealthy relationship. I actually have 10 signs of unhealthy relationships and Tuesday, I mentioned

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five of them. So I'm going to give you a quick review. And then I'm going to give you the 10 signs of a healthy relationship so someone's writing in that they've been married Mashallah for 25 years and you're putting effort that's excellent, Mashallah, keep up the good work, inshallah, we'll make it 50 years of happiness. So some of the signs of an unhealthy relationship I mentioned, one was fear. If you are afraid for your safety, that someone's going to attack, you going to have an outburst or even if you're afraid of an emotional outburst, if you feel like you're walking on eggshells all the time. That is, that's definitely very unhealthy. The second sign of an unhealthy

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relationship is physical abuse, if there's any kind of physical abuse could be any, any kind of unwanted touch if you're being pushed or shoved, or slapped, or any, any form of unwanted touch.

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Three is verbal and emotional abuse, which this is really rampant, unfortunately, amongst marriages, where this leads to a lot of deep emotional scars, number four, possessiveness and control and this is done by both men and women, where

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they take control over who their spouse interacts with, what they do, where they go, and that that can really affect the quality of the marriage. So those are the, the five characteristics or the five signs of an unhealthy marriage of a and so now I'm going to give you the the other five to make it 10 inshallah. So number five, is a lack of trust and respect, lack of trust and respect. As soon as you think about, as soon as I mentioned, the word lack of trust, what do you think about immediately you think about infidelity. And sad to say that infidelity is a huge problem in our communities. I know that a lot of people like to just stick their head in the sand and pretend that

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us Muslims don't faces but it is a big part of our community, unfortunately. So number one is infidelity. When there is a lack of trust, it can really, it really destroys the relationship. And I've seen so many couples come in to therapy where they have found their spouse interacting either having an emotional affair or a physical affair, and it destroys their world. So when there is any form of distrust, or there is a lack of respect where you might be, you may be dealing with each other disrespectfully, whether it's the way you're communicating the way you're calling each other the names you're calling out. So this can really erode a relationship. Now, the second part of lack

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of trust is a person who doesn't keep their promise. I just recently had a young couple come in, and both of them kept talking about there's a lack of trust, lack of trust. I immediately thought that it's infidelity, but what I found out was really it's just a matter of them, not keeping

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each other's not keeping their promise to one another. So the husband may say, I'm coming over, I,

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you know what I believe we did this last time I apologize for going into such depth we did this is number five. So number six. So basically, it's all about not keeping your promises to your spouse. I thought it sounded familiar. Okay, so a little bit of a recap. Number six is secrecy, secrecy, when there is any form if you are hiding things from your spouse. So whether that is whether that is your phone, whether that is like you are keeping secrets regarding your spending regarding your family, regarding what you're doing on your free time, in any kind of secrecy, that will lead to an unhealthy marriage. And I think you'd really need to be aware of it. Sometimes people are accustomed

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to living a private life, you've you've been alone all these years. And it's hard for you to just completely open up. But you have to realize that when you start having some kind of secrecy where whether it's a password on your phone, or you have secret accounts, or things going on with your I have to give a special Salaam to my friend Russia found me from Egypt, thank you for joining in. So if there's any form of secrecy, you definitely, definitely have to address it because this is extremely unhealthy. Number seven is that if the marriage brings out the worst in you, if they if it brings out the worst in you, where you are constantly, either you're angry, whether you're you're

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sad, and you feel that the you feel that this marriage is not helping you to thrive, you're just being you are at your worst when you are in with your spouse. So this is something really important to keep in mind. And then number eight is when it's a source of sadness, anger and frustration, you know, many people come in for therapy, and you know, they complain about the fact that their spouse is constantly either making them angry, or they're frustrated. And I had this one lady Tell me, she's like, I never even experienced anger before I got married. But now every single day, I'm frustrated. And it's all because of him because he is pushing all my buttons. And we have to be a

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little bit careful about that. Because it's really easy to put the blame on someone else and and say that they're the source of, you know, they're the source of the problem. But you have to take ownership of that, the less triggers that you have, the less

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the less triggers mainly that you have, the less you will be made angry or sad or frustrated. So with a lot of my clients, what I do is that I help them to deactivate those triggers to make them realize, okay, okay, this is something I'm really sensitive about, but I'm going to overcome it, I'm going to you do not respond. And that way, it won't be such a point of tension. So what I find is that it can be if your marriage is a source of sadness, anger and frustration, this is definitely unhealthy because what it does is that all of this leads to build up stress and when you have stress and you're constantly living in that state, it's going to affect everything in your life, it's going

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to affect your optimism, it will affect your eemaan it will affect if you have kids how you treat that. It that's why it's so important when I was doing a parenting workshop here in Allen, one of the first things I started talking to, to the mothers about was having a healthy marriage. You cannot talk about having a like good parenting skills. If your marriage is falling apart if you're constantly yelling and screaming and fighting, if that is the atmosphere of the house, then you can expect for your kids to be healthy and I apologize, a call came in. We are good to go inshallah. Alright, so

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the next thing that is the next thing, a sign of an unhealthy marriage is if there is sarcasm, criticism and belittling that is also something that many people complain about when they come into therapy. They talk about the fact that my spouse is constantly criticizing every little thing I do. It's never good enough. It's always that there's always nitpicking going on so we have to be careful

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That, we have to be careful that we are not being critical of our spouse. And if this is constantly going on, we need to address it, the belittling you don't want to start ignoring or calling names to your spouse, or also, you don't want to catch them, doing all the things that the mistakes that they're doing, a lot of times we have the habit of catching our spouse,

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eye catching our spouse, doing the wrong things. And we do that with our kids too. So when they are, when they are making a mistake, we run and we're on top of them. And we are saying this is you know, this, you can't do this, this is incorrect, we do that with our spouse as well. But when they are doing the right things, then we don't acknowledge it. So we need to be careful. And we need to make sure that we are catching our spouse doing the right things encouraging that behavior, that we're not constantly belittling them, because what happens is that when you start criticizing your spouse, they're going to have a very negative association to you. So they come home, let's say when the

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husband comes home, and he feels like he's going to be criticized about, about the fact that he didn't do the chores that you had asked him to do, or he didn't pick up the groceries, you need it. And then there's going to be a long list of complaints and you're gonna just be upset about the husband, he is and the father that he is, then he's just going to have such a negative association, he's going to delay coming home, he's going to like get himself busy with anything, anyone, just so that he doesn't have to deal with that with that nagging. And the same thing can happen with a wife who has an overly critical husband, who is constantly nitpicking at everything that she does, you

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know, I have a

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couple that I'm working with. And, and that is the case where the husband is very overpowering, criticizing how she does things, and that makes her don't look forward to him coming home. Actually, some wives say that, you know, they're, they're happy when their husband leaves the house, because they can they have some breathing space, they don't have someone constantly on their case. So we need to be really cautious of that. And if you have this in your marriage, then the sooner you address it, the better. Because if you just allow this to fester, and it just simmers, the anger is just going to start building up. Now, number nine, the ninth sign of having an unhealthy marriage

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is,

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is sarka Oh, with it nine sarcasm, criticism and belittling. And number 10 is that they prevent you from growing, preventing growth, it's so important to feel that you are in a marriage, where you have that potential you have the potential to grow, whether that's growing academically, intellectually, spiritually, you're able to reach your full potential. Because if you feel that someone is preventing you from moving ahead, if someone is causing you, too, they're stifling your growth, then you're gonna have a lot of built up resentment, you're not going to feel happy about the fact that someone is kind of like that anchor holding you down. So make sure that within your

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marriage, you don't have any of these signs. So it's really easy, like these 10 signs that I told you about, it's really easy to just think about your spouse and say, Oh, yeah, they're horrible. They have all these characteristics. I want you to right now as I'm talking to you, because you are the one that is listening to this right now. Right. And I want you to feel that this is a talk specifically for you. How many of these do you have? Okay, how many of these now, someone just said, they have all 10 I have all 10. Again, it's like you have to be in a

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like ICU, right? You have to get emergency It is like crisis emergency II to get professional help. Because if all of this are going on, then it's just a matter of time your relationship falling apart or something horrible happening. So you need to see these as symptoms. And you have to kind of classify it, it might be mild, okay, someone has just one. Okay, Al Hamdulillah. One is manageable. Few are manageable, right? If you have, let's say, well, and you could have just one, like let's say, if it's just physical abuse, that one is enough to put it in a crisis state, right. It's not just the number of unhealthy signs, but it's what that sign is. So if you have let's say that the

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infidelity like that in itself, can

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Really erodes the marriage? So just look at it and be very, be extremely honest with yourself and see, where do you fall into this? What are you contributing in the marriage as far as this list is concerned? So now that we know what some of the unhealthy signs of marriage are, okay, how do you convince your spouse to get help? inshallah? I'm going to answer your questions. Afterwards, after I talk about all the 10 healthy signs and the 10 unhealthy signs, then I will take your questions, inshallah. So, healthy relationship, the 10 signs, I'm going to review with you the five that I said from Tuesday. Number one, is that you feel safe in the relationship, you feel physically safe, you

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don't feel like you're going to be attacked in any way, and you feel emotionally safe. So even if there's no physical abuse, but you feel that your spouse is constantly attacking you verbally, and criticizing what you're saying, then you're not going to feel safe. So feeling safe in the relationship number two, where you have complete trust and respect, you don't double guess what your spouse is telling you wondering, I wonder if they're telling the truth? Are they really at the office? Or are they do opposite, no good. So you have that, when you have that complete trust, and you have that complete respect with one another, then that is a definite sign of a healthy

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relationship. Number three is complete transparency, where both of you feel completely at ease. If your spouse is looking at your phone, going through your iPhone, your messages, your emails, there's nothing you're hiding. So there's complete transparency. Number four, there is a friendship, you have a friendship with your spouse, where you're sharing, you're spending time together, you're giving each other compliments, you're having fun. So this is like this is a wonderful sign of having a healthy relationship. And number five is that they bring out the best in you. So your spouse is a person that they know you so well. And they, they encourage you, they bring out the best in you

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because there are some individuals, they will just press all your buttons and no matter how good you try to be, they will bring out the worst in you. But inshallah we can have spouses that bring out the best in us, and that we bring out the best in, in our spouse. So again, when you're listening to this, don't just be pointing the finger at your spouse, don't just think I have this horrible spouse, and they just bring out the best they bring out the worst than me. Right? Think about how do you do you bring out the best in your spouse, you may be happy about the fact that you they bring out the best in you. But what about you? What are you doing? What are you contributing in this

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relationship, that's going to be critical in making a change, because it's very easy to recognize other people's shortcomings. I see it all the time where people come in, whether you're whether you're at a function and people to sit there and criticize what other people are wearing or saying or doing it's really easy. You see everyone's flaws, like in an instant, but your own flaws, you might be blinded to it, you may not even recognize it. I remember one sister telling me, you know, like, I'm perfect, I have, I have nothing to work on. Or I've already worked on myself, I don't need to, I don't need to spend time in therapy working on myself, I just need you to change my husband,

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that's what I need you to do. Because I have I have this all figured out. And it's very interesting when people say that I think anyone who can claim to be perfect, anyone who thinks they have it all figured out and there's no room for learning. That's a big sign that they're definitely lacking in the area. actually understanding how little they do know, we are always we should always be in a state of constant self improvement, we should be dedicated to excellence and improving ourselves. And I remember to ask a sister and my husband had this experience as well. Someone had recently gotten married and and he said, you know, would you would you like some advice? I told the sister

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Would you like some books that I could recommend this like no, no, I got I got this. I know already. We're not going to have any problems. So this we have to make sure that we're not in that mindset that we're not going to be

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reluctant to learning and improving ourselves. So inshallah we were listening to this with an open heart and an open mind.

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All right, now we're going to get into the last five characteristic signs of a healthy marriage Number Number six, I set the first five number six is you

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Allow growth and advancement, this is so critical

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that you make your spouse feel that they are able to reach their goals and their success, I have individuals who have been married, and they will tell me, you know, I, I gave up my education because of my spouse, or I gave up my work because of my spouse. And, you know, someone may do this initially, and they're okay with it. But later on, it may build some resentment, and they may find themselves held back. So we need to be very careful that we're allowing the sense of the growth and the advancement, I had a couple that came in. And, you know, the, the brother was telling me, it's like, I really, I don't feel like I can get ahead in my work, because my wife doesn't let me get

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involved with any of the meetings or any of the conferences. And this really made him feel like he's being held back. And once we made that adjustment, once I helped her to understand how critical it is to be there for your spouse and let them reach their potential, then he really he felt that happiness, he felt that you know what my, my wife is allowing me to grow. And that is really cool. That is a beautiful sign of having a healthy marriage. Number seven, is encouragement, if there is encouragement in the marriage, whether that's an encouragement, to be more practicing to continue your education, to have to be optimistic to have a good relationship with the community members with

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your family, there is that constant encouragement that is really critical, because you know, we we all get down, we all get challenged, we all have challenges, we all face difficulties in our life, and we need to have our spouse be a source of encouragement to be that voice of you know, I, I believe in you, and you can do it. And if we can do that for our spouse, then you'll see the kind of happiness that you bring forth in your marriage. Number eight is emotional support, emotional support, I brought up, Heidi's already alone and her and the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. And you know, they had this amazing friendship, they had this amazing sense of the trust and

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the respect. And then the emotional support was unsurpassed, you know, just being able to be a wife, who is who is there, who is understanding who is giving, giving what your spouse needs is so critical. And I really encouraged us all to to look up to her as a role model and to see how she was if she was an emotional mess. If she was so caught up and crying and being mad at her asthma, why are you in the cave all day, I'm bored, and I'm frustrated, I've already got the kids to take care of, if there was that going on, she could not be there for her spouse, and he wouldn't even come to her. Right. She had it together and asked why I respect her so much as as a wife, because she was

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emotionally stable. And she was able to be there she was present for her husband. And we need to have that we need to be a source of emotional support. Sisters, we can't just expect the emotional support from our husbands. I know we need it a bit more. But we can't just expect it to be one sided. If you ever find yourself in your marriage, saying Well, that's how I'm not doing anything he is he is the one who needs to change, or she's the one who needs to change. If you get to a point where you're starting to feel that way, then we're not going to make we're not going to make progress. I remember I had a couple who came in and she was very adamant about getting therapy. And

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it was we were in Egypt at the time. And she was very adamant about getting therapy. And so she came in, and I think she saw it as you know, us both being female are going to gang up on the husband. That was that was a big that was the plan. That was her plan. And she said she made a statement like you know what, I'm not changing. It's all up to him. He's the one who had and I held her accountable. And I said, You know what, both of you have to make a change. Both of you have to make the commitment. So the husband was really happy. She wasn't as happy because we didn't gang up on those. But I like to be really fair in couples therapy because we really have to make sure that we

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realize both individuals play a part. If your marriage is falling apart, then you have something to do with it. Even if you're let's say even if you're the one maybe oppressed or you have some challenges that you're dealing with somebody

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How you are contributing to the dynamics of this relationship. And so both parties have to change. So instead emotional support. Number nine is empathy and understanding, we have to show compassion, we have to make our spouse feel understood, one of the biggest complaints is that my spouse doesn't understand me, she doesn't understand what I have to go through, when I go to work. And I'm dealing with all these, let's say, clients, or I'm dealing with all these patients, and I have to be on some 1012 hours a day, she doesn't get it, she expects me to come home, and be on some more and give, you know, give her so much. And when a person doesn't feel understood, they start drifting away, right?

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A lot of times, the wives may feel like, you know what, he just he doesn't get it, he doesn't know what it takes from me, when I'm spending so much time at home, I'm not able to, let's say pursue my career, and I am, I'm doing all these responsibilities at the home, and he just doesn't get what that takes, he hasn't appreciated, right. So when we have that sense of empathy and understanding, and you seek to understand first, before you're you're understood, then this will definitely improve your marriage, it will make it something that both of you will look forward to, and you will both get the support that you need. Because you are open minded, you are compassionate, and you're trying

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to understand one another. And the 10th sign of a healthy marriage is to love for the sake of Allah, you know, my motto is to live and love with a higher purpose. And this is something I emphasize throughout my my marriage program. And it is about putting a law at the forefront of your mind as the priority in your life. And when you do that, then every relationship is a means of pleasing your Creator. And when you have that in your mind, when you are trying to give, then every relationship becomes a source of gaining reward. And that just it is a paradigm shift. And it's an amazing, it has an amazing impact when you start looking at your marriage in this way, when you feel that you

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know what, it's not just about this person, whether you know whether they're perfect or not, whether they appreciate me or not. But you know, I know that this is, this is my test. And I want a lot to be pleased with me. So I'm going to I'm going to do my share, all right, because a lot of times what happens is when when people are angry with one another they regress, right? And I've done marriage workshops, when people are being are very honest. And I love it because I tell them you know, what age do you regress to? And I have some people will say, you know, I regressed to a teenager, because I'm just all about like in a talk to that and I'm not gonna you know, having an attitude and being a

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little bit maybe rebellious and, and verbally aggressive. And and there's some people who will really be honest and say, You know what, I regressed to a two year old, I just I have a tantrum, I pout, I cry, I don't stop until like, I get my way. This is what happens when we are not living with that with that mindset with that consciousness that allows watching us. And if I sit there and I regressed to a two year old, you know, and I'm in my 20s 30s and 40s, then then this is definitely This is this looks really bad for me. And it like it damages the relationship so much. So when you think about it, and you're like, Okay, maybe your gut instinct is to pout and, and cry and just

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demand your way or yell and scream, whatever it is you do to get your way, you know, maybe if you start thinking that you know what, this is a way I can earn major points with a law, this is a way that I can you know, I'm going to swallow the anger, I'm going to overcome that immaturity, and I'm going to earn massive reward from my Creator because I am now whatever I'm about to do, it's really for our last say, that person may not necessarily be deserving of it, but I'm going to do it for his say. And when you do it now imagine two individuals doing that even if it's one person doing and you find that the relationship just starts to you know it, it really starts transforming. And if both

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individuals are giving for the sake of Allah, then you really see a difference. So I really hope that we can be aware of these of the unhealthy signs of a relationship and if if you are not yet married and you're about to get married, you know these

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are red flags that a lot of times people overlook, people ignore the red flags thinking, Oh, everything's gonna become fine. I had one individual who was crying and fighting and having such emotional drama in her life, this is an engagement period, they hadn't even gotten married. And I said, Look, this is this is not a good sign. If you have so much trauma, and you have so much drama and trauma in your, in this stage, then this is an indication that you're not going to work very well together, because that's the period, you should be all, you know, you joyful and pleasant and overlooking. So if there are issues there, then you know, and if you see any of these signs, these

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unhealthy signs, then watch out be very, very cautious. And you know, choose carefully because it can lead, it can lead to a lot of problems later on in life. And if you do have these healthy signs of a relationship, then keep at it. Right, it is just like, you know, maintaining your home, you got to do it on a daily basis. If you ignore it for a few hours, a few days, what happens, it builds up. So on a daily basis, you have to take care of your relationship, you have to make it a priority, and make sure that all of these things that are going well now and you're happy in your marriage, he got to keep it up. Because a lot of times people will come in and tell me that, Oh, I'm not I'm not in

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love anymore. I'm not really I'm not happy. And it's just, it's just not the same. I asked them about what they're doing that's different. And they will say, well, they don't, they're not doing any of the things that they were doing when they first got married. And so that's why that's why they are not getting the same results, you do the same things and inshallah you will get the same results. But once you cut out, all the fun, all the compliments, all the pleasant things that you're doing together, of course, of course, the love is going to be gone, of course, it's going to be frustration. So don't be overwhelmed inshallah, that if if it is in a state of crisis, you know, I

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recommend getting help I do Skype therapy sessions online at Hala, banani.com you can get help professionally. There are many people who could provide services, maybe in your community, but get the help that you need, you know, a lot of times people, if it's a medical problem that they have, they will immediately run to a doctor, some people are hyper contract, because it's like, oh, no, I feel like you know, yes, I think I have a tumor, I need to go get a MK I need to go and get x rays and, and they become hyper contracts. But then when it comes to emotional problems, they just ignore it, they just sweep it under the rug, and hope for it to go away. So if you see that you have any

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issues, definitely try to address it. And I do have, you know, my marriage program, the five pillars of marriage, which I go into extensive detail about how to have a happy marriage and and hamdulillah hundreds of people have benefited from it, I hope that you can benefit from it as as well. Now I'm going to take some questions if you have any questions regarding healthy and unhealthy relationships and I will be happy to answer them tala.

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With your spouse.

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Okay, so what if the question is, what if you try to communicate with your spouse, but they give you the silent treatment, you know, when one person is not cooperating, it is very challenging, it's very hard to get someone on board when they just don't get it or they're not interested. And a lot of times, I have that within the within the marriage counseling, and I tell them, you know, work on yourself, try to try to make changes within yourself try to have the person's needs met. Because a lot of times people will say I've done everything, you know, you may have done everything that you know how to do, but you obviously haven't met your spouse's needs, because I've never met anyone who

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has all their needs met, and they're unhappy. So it's a matter of maybe educating yourself more. Because if if a person is not on board, it's going to be really hard to pull them in and get them get them to talk but as you make changes in yourself, then your spouse responds to you differently and try to find out what are those needs? Maybe, you know, a lot of times what I find this out, maybe some some women will be very vigilant in taking care of the house, the kids the food, but then they talk to their spouse in a very distant

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respectful manner, and that shuts down, that man will shut down and will not communicate. Or maybe when he communicates, there's yelling. So a lot of times you have to, you have to kind of look back and analyze the situation. When was the last time like that he opened up or when did he used to open up? And and how did you react? I can guarantee that most men who shut down, it's because of a reaction that has happened. There is either yelling, screaming, disrespecting. So they're like, I just rather stay quiet. And many of the men tell me, they're like, you know what, I just keep my mouth shut. Because whatever I say, you know, is gonna get me in trouble. I'm damned if I do. I'm

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damned if I don't. So really be critical. Like I said, it's so easy to see him as the problem, but also reflect on your solvency, how do I usually react when he does open up in May? In May, that may be the problem, okay?

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All right, how to give emotional support, okay, how to give emotional support, he needs to be there, you need to make a person feel, make your spouse feel that you they're heard, that they that you understand them that, let's say they're going through a rough time, at work, okay. And, excuse me, they're going through a rough time at work. And they need that source of like that encouragement, you're there for them, you're telling them that you can do this, maybe it's because of a loss of a loved one, and you need to be there and make them feel loved. So you basically anticipate the needs the emotional needs of your spouse, you anticipate it, and then you fulfill it. So that's how you

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provide emotional support.

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What is your husband threatened to a second marriage?

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always have to have these questions. Right. So the question is, what if your spouse threatens to get a second wife? Are you allowed to divorce because of that?

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Okay, let me give a little disclaimer. All right, I just had and I'll tell you a story to kind of explain this is that just just a few weeks ago, a husband and wife came in and they were having some problems. And one of the things that she was really upset about was the fact that the husband said, I, you know, I'm going to get a second wife. And so that really she was just devastated when he said that. And he turned around said, You know what, I didn't really mean it, you just got me so frustrated, that I wanted to kind of like threaten you, that kind of threaten you into shape. And I said, Oh my god, you have no idea how damaging that is. That is not a way to motivate a woman. You

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want her best. Don't sit there and say, I'm gonna bring in someone else. It actually makes a woman shut down, she will just feel like you know, if I'm, if I'm replaceable, then forget it. Why? Why should I even contribute to this marriage, if I'm not replaceable. So, sometimes, I have heard a lot of men say that they use that as a strategy to kind of wake you up, make you like, work harder and make you improve yourself. Now, then there are those cases and they're really serious, and they go ahead and do that. And it does really rattle the whole, the whole marriage. And that in itself is is a long discussion. And you know, in my five pillars of marriage program, I have dedicated several

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bonus videos regarding this I address the men and I address the the woman and and some of the things to look out for. And I think that if you need extensive, extensive advice on this because this doesn't relate to everyone, I would really recommend getting that and listening to it. I also have two bonus videos from two amazing shoes that I really highly respect chef Omar Suleiman does a one hour exclusive video on the five pillars of marriage and he talks about the rights and responsibilities of husband and wife which is so critical You know, a lot of times we know our rights, you could be like not religious at all, you know your Islamic rights, but you have no idea

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what your responsibilities are. So he covers that he addresses the in law issue does a wonderful job. It's very comprehensive one hour and share yasir Qadhi doesn't our exclusive for five pillars of marriage and he discusses the the CIP of courting and getting married. So, you know, all of that said there should be

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I saw my area of specialty, I wanted to have experts within the field with Islamic experts to give their perspective. Okay, so we have more questions.

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How do you cope with family interference? How do you cope with family interference very, very carefully. Okay. It's it's a very tricky situation, when you have family getting involved. Number one thing, and I think I've mentioned this before, is, do not confront your in laws, don't confront them. They could come and tell you, oh, you know, I don't want you to be mad. If you're mad, just come and tell me, I'm your friend, share with me, Don't do it. Don't do it. I know, they mean well, but they won't be able to tolerate it when it actually happens. When you get up the courage and tell your mother in law, her father in law, well, I really don't like the fact that you interfere in my

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marriage, or in my life, or in my parenting, that is the day where they're going to get there, they will be furious, right? So the best way to handle it is address your spouse and half your spouse deal with, you know, deal with his with his parents, or you deal with your own parents, and try to create that balance between respecting your parents and respecting your spouse. This is one of those relationships, it requires so much wisdom, it requires so much diplomacy. And if you're not careful, you will easily fall into a mess, I see it all the time, where a small little problem, a small little disagreement blows out of proportion, and then divorce is mentioned out of the blue, out of

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the blue. So you need to make sure that you're very, very careful in dealing with your in laws. You only share the happiness you include them in, you know, in all the wonderful milestones and all those occasion, don't get them involved. When when you have a problem. I know that that's the first thing people go to. But let me ask you this. How many people do you know how many of your parents or how many of your in laws have an ideal relationship? How many of them have the skills and the knowledge in having effective conflict resolution? You know what, from the therapy I've done? I've noticed not many, not many have that. So you drag someone who's miserable in their marriage? Who

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doesn't have the know how, and you're telling them fix my problem? Well, it's not gonna happen. So I recommend you know, getting getting the professional help getting the knowledge, gaining that knowledge yourself and Sharla.

00:42:54--> 00:42:56

What do I do if my husband doesn't believe in getting help?

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What do I do if my husband doesn't believe in getting help a lot of men out there may not believe in getting help. They're getting better though, because I have a long list of Mashallah Muslim male clients that are seeking help, but if he doesn't, you get help yourself, you get help yourself, because you can affect the marriage, even if you're the only one working on it. As you change yourself, your spouse will react.

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Okay, sorry, we had a little technical problem. I had clients in, in Saudi Arabia, the husband was a very, very traditional older gentleman, and then believe in the psychology mumbo jumbo as he called it. And then you know, he didn't speak. It didn't even speak English. And his wife became very adamant about seeking therapy with her without him. And so she started working on herself and started changing herself. And after a few months of therapy, and after seeing the changes that his wife went through, he decided he's going to do therapy. I had a translator, first time I had, I was doing therapy, you know, with someone in Saudi Arabia had the translator, the funniest thing, it was

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really funny, because I would say, I would say something that was maybe two three words, and then the the translator would speak for like five minutes. I'm thinking, Okay, wait, what something's missing here. Anyway, he got on board because he saw the changes in his wife, and that happens all the time, where the husband may not believe in it. And I had just recently a, the husband told the wife like you know what, now, I see I see the effect of therapy and I see that it's working. Because once they see it, then they might buy into it and they may. They may decide to get involved and even if they don't, you can still like many others.

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The people who get our program, they get it by themselves. They watch it on their own, and they make changes. Other questions?

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What do you do if you have an off day? Or what do you do if you're not happy?

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Those are two separate questions. Okay. Okay. What do you do if you're having an off day? Okay, yeah, you balance it out, right, we all have off days, we all have moments where we might be frustrated, we may be really sad, we may be a little bit down. And hopefully you can balance it out, maybe you can balance it out. Hopefully, you have enough emotional deposit, where you can afford to have a bad day. Unfortunately, there's some people who make no emotional deposit, all they do is withdraw, withdraw, withdraw from the relationship, and it goes into insufficient funds, where it's red alert, people get really uptight, when their emotional bank account goes below, right, it goes

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in the negative. So as long as you are constantly trying to keep it balanced, and you try to actually do more, at the times that you are happy and you are stable, then it's fine. It's okay to have an off day, just make sure that your off day is not every day, okay? Because I see with some of my clients that they really struggle with that and, and it's like, their spouse has to deal with that anger, and that emotional outbursts daily, and it becomes really draining. And what if you're not happy? Okay, if you're not happy,

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I think that it's really important to make sure that you're doing your share to have happiness from within. Okay. I mean, that's why, like, let's say, pillar one, which is self development, it's all about working on yourself, you have to work on yourself, attain happiness, don't expect your spouse to make you happy, because a lot of people will tell me that I want to, I want to get married, and I want my I want my husband to make me happy. And if you don't have happiness within, then no one can make you happy. So make sure that that unhappiness is not coming from a void from within, right. And also, if you're unhappy in the marriage, take be proactive, you know, be proactive, don't just

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immediately jump to the conclusion of I'm going to get a divorce, take the necessary steps, seek knowledge, apply strategies, these are this is a science there is there's so much research done, there's been so much research done on having a successful marriage. And if you do a series, if you take a series of steps, you will see the result. And I see this all the time, in my practice where a lot of individuals, when they start applying the right skills, then they find that their marriage improves, even those who have just totally felt hopeless, I tell them, just give it one last chance. Just give it one more try. And then when they do they see like, Oh my God, this really works. And

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they're surprised. And never surprised, because I know these are like tested and proven skills. And so don't don't ever give up and just keep you know, take make an effort, make an effort, be proactive. Because what I find the number one cause of a marriage falling apart is that people give up, they become hopeless, they give up, they feel like what's the point? It's just they think that it's a lot easier to just to get out of the relationship, you have no idea what getting out of a relationship entails. Especially if you have kids. If you have kids, and you think divorce is a quick and easy answer, then you're you're really mistaken. The best the easiest answer is for both

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of you to make certain necessary changes for both of you to be forgiving for both of you to to take action to save the marriage that you have, because any other marriage you get into is going to have its own series of problems. Okay, any other questions? What about the issue of the man being emotionally unavailable and giving the guys all the communication and attention while the wife was at home all day with kids? Is no adult interaction with the husband comes home at work.

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Okay, so the I'm going to just summarize the question basically the husband not providing any kind of emotional support, not being willing to partake in conversation because he's given all his hat,

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at the workplace at the masjid and when he comes home, he just wants silence where the wife is, you know,

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has been home with the child with the children all day and needs that adult interaction is that that seems to be very, very common. And unfortunately, you find that, you know, many men just see the home as a place to like shut down. They don't want to make that extra effort because they feel like they have given all that they have. And that's why it's so important not to spread yourself too thin. You know, brothers, it's really important to make sure that you don't overexert yourself, if you can cut down on a little bit at work, so you have enough energy have to provide your spouse with that, at least that conversation, you need to be present emotionally for your spouse. And if you're

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not, then that person is they're going to start feeling really alone. And unfortunately, what I see even with the best of best of sisters, they're practicing, they may get involved with like this emotional infidelity they might start looking for and, and I have had brothers say that you know what, I blame myself, I blame myself for not being present emotionally for my spouse. And that's why she took that route. You don't want this to happen, right? We don't want all this to get out of hand. So we need to make sure that we're emotionally available. And sister if you find that your husband is like this, and there is no change in him, because I know of men who are like that, and

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it's not so easy to change, they're set in their ways. So you need to make sure that you have a support group, that you have a source of companionship outside of your marriage, you cannot put all your eggs in one basket, you cannot rely on your husband to be your everything. Now if he is That's wonderful, okay, but those are the exceptions. It is an exception when your spouse can be you know, as your support your best friend, your, you know, encourage you in the dean. A lot of times you find that people have a lot of shortcomings. And he may be like an excellent provider, excellent father, but he lacks in the emotional,

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emotional stability or in the emotional support department. So you have to kind of overlook, you have to make excuses and try to fulfill your needs, through other relationships, maybe surround yourself, whether it's with friends with family, get involved with the masjid with the school, get that emotional support that you need from other than your spouse.

00:52:37--> 00:52:39

Your husband would not apologize

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when she tries to explain herself, okay.

00:52:49--> 00:53:08

Okay, so what do you do? When when you complain to your spouse, when you complain to your husband, he turns it around and uses it against you. And when he does not make you feel like a priority makes you feel like you're number three? After I guess work and?

00:53:09--> 00:53:12

And friends. Okay, so

00:53:14--> 00:53:15

what you can do?

00:53:16--> 00:53:17

Repeat the question again?

00:53:20--> 00:54:02

Oh, that's right. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Yes. What do you do when he does not apologize. And you know, a lot of people fall into that it's not just men, I find that even when I'm doing therapy, couples counseling, a lot of women do that, that as soon as they're cornered, as soon as you, you know, ask them, or he maybe complains about a situation quickly turns it around. And this is a matter of being defensive, they become very defensive, and they want to, they want to attack before they're attacked, or they they're like, Okay, I'm attacks I'm going to attack you. So that's why it's so important not to make it an attack. If you find that your spouse is constantly You know,

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they're becoming defensive, then maybe it's the way you're approaching them, maybe you need to come with a much softer approach, you need to bring it to their attention in a way that doesn't make them feel that you are attacking. Because when the person feels attacked, they're going to be defensive. And as far as not, you know, turning around, it takes a lot of maturity. And you know, what, if that person doesn't have the maturity to understand, and I've seen that it sometimes takes the therapist to kind of bring it to their attention and they can be so resistant to that I've seen it and, you know, I call them on it, that you're you're being defensive in the situation, you're not taking

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responsibility, but until they have that maturity to accept it, then you're not going to make a lot of progress.

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This is my second marriage, somehow, I keep my feelings inside myself because I don't want to be hurt again. Okay? All right. So I love my husband very much Alhamdulillah great to hear that that's rare to hear doing marriage counseling, so you love him, and it's your second marriage, but you're a little bit you're afraid to get hurt, okay. And that's, that's very natural. If you've been, whether you've been betrayed, or someone has been, has hurt your feelings, or have certain things within your path, then it is hard to open up. And I really encourage you to try to cope with whatever that happened, deal with the issues that you had, and put it behind you, and give this person a chance.

00:55:50--> 00:56:35

Right, because if you're holding back and this person is nothing like your first spouse, maybe it's it's just not fair for you to be holding back the love, the affection, and all those things, when they you know, they don't have the same characteristics as your first spouse. So you have to kind of evaluate, you have to deal with some of the past issues. And that's why really those individuals who get a divorce is so critical, you know, go through the marriage program, learn what you did, right? what you did wrong, understand what is the best way to have a marriage before you get into another relationship, because until you, you kind of clean up the mess, you're not going to be able to start

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this fresh new life, there's still, you know, residue, there's residue from the first relationship, so address those. And, and that way, you will learn to be able to open up, I have a whole segment on gaining trust, trust and the respect, which is so if that doesn't come naturally to you, I go into great detail and how to establish that so that you can open up because if if you're not giving of yourself fully, then that love that you have that's so strong right now, Mashallah may erode

00:57:13--> 00:57:14

your relationship

00:57:16--> 00:57:17

in the past?

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Okay, so what is the relationship is good now, but issues have come up in the past and you can't get over it, you really have to learn about forgiveness. I have a free video on my website, Khalid banani.com, it's to two part episode on forgiveness. And it's also included in my in my marriage program that talks about how to overcome it step by step, okay, it's not something that I can get into right now. I actually, I think it was the third video, if I'm not mistaken of the Ramadan remedies, all about forgiveness. So you may want to watch that if you haven't, just to learn how to let go because you gotta let go. Because if you are still holding on to that, to that emotional

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baggage of the past, you're not going to be able to move ahead. This question says, What if you never feel loved what to do? Well, that's a sad situation to be in and you need to try to find out, maybe you take the initiative, and be proactive, and ask about how he likes to feel loved. So for moment, overlook, like your own needs, and and become interested in showing him the you know, the love and fulfilling his needs. And what that does a lot of times is that the person will start feeling they start getting that satisfaction, they feel like oh my gosh, my, my spouse is a source of me feeling good. And they're getting, they're getting their needs met, they're feeling loved, and

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then they are more open and receptive to being more loving. Okay, so, again, I want you to watch these videos with this mentality of how can I change myself, not just I'm let's say I'm married to a creep and he's a jerk and he doesn't know what to do and she's, she's a maniac or she's crazy. I you know, that is pointless, right? I want you to look within yourself and think, what can I do? So that I can you know, I can be a source of change, I can be a source of improvement in the marriage. So I really pray that we can, that we can look for these signs in our marriage if they're, if we have unhealthy signs, we address them. If we have the healthy signs of a marriage, we we maintain them

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and strive towards establishing those healthy signs inshallah

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I pray that Allah fills our heart with forgiveness with wisdom with diplomacy, and makes us love our spouse in a way that is pleasing to Him that we've truly used our marriage as a way of pleasing a lot to gain acheron reward to Sokka la Heron, thank you. Okay, thank you very much for tuning in. You can sign up for free videos I have, you can go to five pillars of marriage.com and I have a series of free videos that I've done in encouraging people to having a better relation. This is my passion. I want you to save your marriage. I want you to thrive in your marriage, and inshallah that would be beneficial. I'll see you Tuesday at 4pm Central Standard Time does like a lot here for

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tuning in Salaam Alaikum.