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Love #14 – How Important is Attraction

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Fatima Barkatulla

Channel: Fatima Barkatulla

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Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu salam ala Rasulillah. The brothers and sisters are Salam Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh, and welcome to this love, share her q&a session, Inshallah, I'm going to be having these sessions every Friday, sorry, every last Friday, every last Friday of the month,

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at around this time 6pm and on Twitter spaces, in audio form, so there's going to be a inshallah an opportunity for people. Because actually, you know, I do get a lot of questions that people send in to me,

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related to issues to do with marriage, or, you know, relationships, love all of those kinds of related topics. And so I thought this would be a good way for, for me to be able to answer some of those questions, just share some my thoughts, advice, insights, or just things for you to consider, you know, I'm not giving any kind of fatwa here, I'm not giving any kind of

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verdict or

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compelling you to do anything. Yeah. Right. But sometimes we just need somebody to share a question with and hear their take on a particular issue, especially somebody who has experience, you know, has studied Islamic law, etc, etc, right. So I hope that I can help you in that regard. But of course, I always encourage people to seek advice from people in their own locality, people of knowledge, but also people who have expertise in whatever issue it is that you are facing.

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The first question I have here is, how much does attraction matter? So?

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Well, look, one of the purposes of marriage

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is to satisfy

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our sexual desires, right? And to help a person lower their gaze, that's, that's one of the purposes of marriage. So it goes without saying that, that means that of course, our spouse or the person who we're considering for marriage,

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you know, we should take into account that they are attractive to us, right? And there's nothing wrong with that, you know, it's not like, I don't know, it's not like a less pious thing to do, or something like that, you know, to want to marry somebody who is attractive, who we find attractive. And, again, it's a very personal thing, isn't it? It's a very personal things, what somebody finds attractive another person might not find attractive. So. So that's why I think, you know, it's, it's, it's important for parents,

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to give their children freedom in that regard, you know, when it comes to whether they find somebody attractive or not, when it comes to marriage, you know, a person might be excellent on paper, in terms of, you know, their, their religiosity, their character, and all of those other things. And those other things are very, very important. Right.

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But if a person doesn't, like literally does not feel attracted to that person, at all,

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or even worse, you know, is actually repet repelled by some characteristic or some thing about that person, then, you know, I would say that it's something not to ignore, you know, it's not something to ignore.

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At the same time,

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let's, you know, keep things in perspective. So, you know, when the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam told us that a woman is married for four things, her beauty, her lineage, her wealth, and he said her religion, and he said, you know, take the one who has religion.

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Yeah. And that's, that was his advice.

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If you want to be successful, take the one who has religion.

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But that hadith doesn't actually say that the other characteristics are not important. Do

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You see, the prophets, Allah Salam is merely stating a fact that human beings, human beings, when they are looking for marriage, they usually, like in this case, he's talking to the men, they usually marry somebody, because a beauty is something that appeals to you or her lineage, you know, maybe she's from a particular family, and you really respect that family and you want connections with that family, for example, right? Especially this used to happen, especially in the past, right? It still happens nowadays with the royal families, right? Like, they don't, they want to keep their lineage in a certain to a certain level, right.

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Or somebody might be attracted to a woman because of her wealth, you know, she comes from a wealthy background. And, you know, this, this is just human nature people get people are attracted to one another, for various reasons. But the Prophet SAW Selim is saying, yeah, all of those things are things that people marry a woman for. But the most important thing is religion, the most important thing and so, the way I would put that to people is look,

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if

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a person has beauty, has lineage has wealth has all the whatever characteristics are important to you. But they don't have religion. Right? In other words, their relationship with Allah is messed up.

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Then, you know, that's, that should be a red flag for a believer, right? That should be a red flag for a believer. However, if a person has deen

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is a religious person, and

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they have other good characteristics, you know, good character, etc. And maybe, on the beauty front, on the handsomeness front, right, there's, it's not exactly you know, like the, the perfect image you had in mind. Right?

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Then, as long as that person, you know, you, you do find them generally attractive. Okay. I would say it's definitely worth considering them.

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You know, it doesn't have to be that that person is, whatever your view of an ideal woman or an ideal man is, because that view of an ideal woman or an ideal man is probably something you got from Disney or Bollywood or Hollywood or, you know, some image or something that you've been bombarded with from a young age, right?

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So you don't want to listen to that. Right. At the same time, like I said, attraction is important. So, you know, I would say the most important consideration is the in.

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But all the other considerations or whatever considerations are important to you are also, you know, they're worthy of your attention. And they're also natural. The Prophet sallallahu wasallam, encouraged

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a man who, who was going to get married to actually look at his perspective, his perspective, bright, you know, in some cultures,

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it's seen as perfectly normal for people to get married without even really meeting or seeing each other, you know,

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but that's not something that the Prophet salAllahu alayhi wasallam, encouraged encouraged us to spend if we're considering somebody seriously for marriage, to look at them, you know, to actually look because will help you going to know whether there is some, you know, the weather they, they are pleasing to you, right.

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So the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam in the Hadith, he said, Joe bourbon Abdullah, he said, the messenger of allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, if one of you proposes marriage to a woman, if he can look at her to see that which will encourage him to go ahead and marry her, then let him do so.

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And then Jabra said I proposed marriage to a young woman and I used to hide where I could see her until I saw that which encouraged me to go ahead and marry her. So I did so.

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According to another report, he said a young woman of bunny Sonoma, I used to hide from her until I saw that which encouraged me to go ahead and marry her so I did so.

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The Buddha would

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another Hadith in

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Simon Muslim, Abu Huraira of Milan who says I was with the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam when a man came and told him that he had married a woman of the unser, the messenger of allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said to him, Have you seen her? He said, No. He said, Go and look at her for there is something in the eyes of the answer. So I think there's some kind of, you know, impediment or something.

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You know, the Prophet SAW, Selim said, you know, you might want to check, you might want to see, you know,

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and check the person out properly, physically, right.

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Another Hadith, in which the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam said, look at her, so he asked

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the Sahaba, he asked him, you know, have you seen her? And he said, No, he said, Look at her, because it is more fitting that love and compatibility be established between you.

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And in another report, he said, so he did that. And he married her and mentioned they got along. They got along well, okay. So

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there are a number of narrations where the Prophet salallahu Alaihe, Salam encouraged, looking, right. And so, you know, the scholars, they have different opinions when it comes to like, how much you can look at, like how much of a prospective spouse you can look at, obviously, women, they can look at the men right easily. Because a man usually, you know, the body is normally covered, but the face and hands and head everything, they can see them easily, right? See if you're attracted to the person quite easily. But the other way around,

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you know, there are various opinions, but some scholars said, you know, not without a head cover, right? The main thing is that he should look at her face her hands.

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And this is when you're actually seriously considering somebody for marriage, right.

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It's not like, you know, casually going around,

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spying on people or trying to check them out, right? This is when you're seriously considering them for marriage.

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And some scholars even allowed more than that, you know, to actually look at

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somebody's feet to look at their forearm even.

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I mean, the point is, you know, look at the person, right, don't feel shy to, to, to look, because, you know, you need to look in order to know whether you're attracted to that person. Right.

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Another thing that some scholars suggest, and this is just something that, you know, people do is actually get, like the women of your family to, to look it like if you're a brother, get the women of your family to see the lady, right? See the sister that you're considering for marriage, without her job. And it's allowed for those women to describe her to you, right? Like, enough for you to know, like, whether you'd be attracted to that, to her or not, right.

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And, of course, you know, the women of your family, they might even, especially like if it's your close sister, or your mom, or they would have an idea of you know, whether you would find her attractive, right. So that's another way that you can kind of

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check.

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On the other hand, I would say that, just be aware that because we have been heavily affected, you know, in our times, the average man, the average woman is bombarded with so many images of the ideal male and female physique. The ideal male and female looks right. And half the time, you know, these models and these images that we're presented with are not even real images, you know, flawless skin and I don't know, you know, large lips and parts of the body and eyelashes impossible eyelashes and hair extensions, and people don't realize that the average image of a model or a woman, for example, and even a man that you're exposed to, they are airbrushed images. They're not real. Right. And so,

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sometimes our idea of what attractive is has been warped.

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So just be aware of that.

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And be aware that the more you lower your gaze, the more you make it a habit to lower your gaze in your everyday life and not expose yourself to so many images of the opposite sex,

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the more inshallah you will find the average human being attractive,

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believe me, right? Like in the past, think about it. Think about your parents generation or your grandparents generation, right? The average man

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would find the average woman attractive.

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Right? The average woman would find the average man attractive.

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Probably because they had not spent their life bombarded with image after image after image of women and men, right?

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So when they see a normal man, they think, yeah, mashallah that person, you know, is attractive, and the other way around as well. But in our times, you know, they say that the average person, sometimes in one day, or in one week would come across more images of the opposite sex,

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then a person in the past would in their entire lifetime.

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So can you imagine what effect that must be having on our psychology, right? No doubt, no doubt, there is some effect, you can't say that there's absolutely no effect, right. So what I'm saying here is, let us be aware that we have been affected by that. And let us lower our gaze on a day to day basis on an ordinary everyday basis, if you lower your gaze then allow give you a sweetness

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so that when you see an average person,

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you know, a normal person, basically, for marriage, you would find that person attractive, because you don't have some kind of warped image of what beauty is. And also bear in mind that somebody who is not immediately extremely attractive to you, okay, like, they are attractive, but they're not like, maybe exactly the sort of person that you were thinking of, etcetera, etcetera. Believe me, that person can grow in attraction to you after marriage, especially if they have good character, if the, you know, have a good demeanor, etc, etc. So, don't be too obsessed with Lux, definitely take Lux into account, definitely, you know, feel attracted to the person, you know, but don't be too

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obsessed with it. Because, you know, there are people who marry somebody who's extremely attractive. But when they get married, that person's character is so flawed, or that person's personality is so annoying, that no matter how good they look, after the kind of initial honeymoon period, that person doesn't fit doesn't seem attractive anymore. Doesn't seem attractive anymore.

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And so, the opposite is also true. Sometimes there might be somebody who is, you know, just quite ordinary looking to you, right, but decent, you know, in appearance,

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but they have such a good character and they have such a good personality and they just just have such a nice,

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you know, mannerism when it comes to being with you. And of course, you know, when you get married, you have romance, you have you spend time together, etc, that the attraction grows, the attraction grows. Okay, so be aware of that as well. You know, so I think I've answered that question in Sharla. How much does attraction matter? Like I said, it's a very personal thing, but taking attraction into account is important.

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But also remember that attraction grows, it can grow over time.

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