Communication, The Foundation of A Marriage

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Edris Khamissa

Channel: Edris Khamissa

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In the Name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful, the Lord of all the worlds to whom we belong to whom is our return and made choices vessels go to the highest of Allah's creation, our beloved Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, the most generous in companionship, the most gentle in speech indeed the most eloquent ambassador for humanity at large, as salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

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As Salaam Alaikum.

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See, that's the beginning of communication.

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You know,

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I want to just say this to you.

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In my experience, as a speaker, as a person involved with counseling,

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one of the recurring themes in many of our homes, is either someone speaks too much,

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or someone doesn't speak at all.

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And when we do speak, it ends up into an argument.

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And this is quite frightening.

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And we need to look at why this happens.

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You asked this question, do you and your husband have a conversation,

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the husband might say, we don't have a conversation, it's an interrogation.

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And it's very, very sad.

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If you want your children

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to grow up, to understand

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the power of words,

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and even the power of silence,

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you teaching them a great mini lesson,

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when to speak, and when to be quiet,

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what to say, and when to say it.

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I will not be so loud he was so that

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came as a gift to humanity. He is a mercy on to all mankind.

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If you look at his life, something that you and I are acutely aware of

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the way he spoke to his children, his grandchildren, spouses.

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He looked at them this is the beginning you see,

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he looked at them the eye of love.

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Now it's an important thing,

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to look at your husband or wife with the eye of love.

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How many of you IE with your spouse's, you are here with your spouse, and if you are sitting next to your spouse, right? I want to see whether you can look at with I have love, look at her

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shame, she's blushing, she might die of shock, she might have shot.

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And I mean this

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I mean this.

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And we need to look at what we need to do differently.

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Many people come to the homes, they like borders, you know,

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it's convenient, this thing under the same roof. And so,

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now we need to understand this.

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understand the dynamics of communication.

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Understand,

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the reason why we communicate.

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And the most important thing is something I always recommend to everyone

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is that you have to be present.

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If you know what I mean. You have to be present. I mean present. I don't only mean

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physically, I mean also emotionally.

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We know Nabi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, when he spoke to someone, he turned his whole person to that individual.

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When he shook that person's hand, he was the last person to remove it. He never interrupted someone was the person spoke.

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And what message was he giving him or her What message? You are important. I care for you. You're a person of value. I'm affirming you.

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You know when we say and this metaphor, sometimes we need to understand it comprehensively. When you speak about we have guns and to each other. What a powerful, powerful metaphor.

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You can spend the whole day discussing

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That particular metaphor,

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you understand, understand it.

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And I say to people, I say to everyone,

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I do not mind

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it, the whole world stops talking to me. I don't mind It's okay. I can deal with that.

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But if I have an issue at all, that, to me, is of far greater importance.

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The home can only become a sanctuary, a place that you want to go to. When you

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when you have people that you love, and people will love you.

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And this is an important thing.

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The first three years of marriage are the most critical three years in any person life is the foundation, where you get to know your partner. What is it that makes him laugh, makes him cry, makes her laugh? What are her sensitivities? Why is he who he is? Why

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you understand reciprocal understanding. But the tragedy is, we want to be understood. But we'd not spend time trying to understand the other. And we must try to look at ourselves to the eyeballs of the other.

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And the reality is that in a marital life, you are going to get hurt.

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How do you communicate that hurt? And if you have been the perpetrator of the hurt?

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How do you apologize? What do you say? You understand, these are important things.

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And there comes a time in your life. And this is a beautiful time where you could be next to each other without saying it anything to each other. But you are saying that I care for you, you know, I love you. I'm here with you, baby. I like it.

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You understand is beautiful. Hey, when this is tested understanding.

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But sometimes you forget

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that the expression of that commonly expression of the glove is fundamental. It is very, very critical.

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You understand?

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So let's look at it from the very beginning.

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And now to share with you some very practical tips, very practical tips. Okay.

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Say I am amateur.

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I'm busy say doing some work.

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My beloved wife takes a few moments. And she leaves me a cup of coffee.

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I can

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maybe I do not acknowledge her. I may be silent. That's one way.

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The second way.

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It's even more negative.

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And when you say to her

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I didn't know why you made me this coffee.

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Right?

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Okay, you can imagine how this impacts

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on the person, how it impacts on your life, on your marital life.

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And sometimes, we hurt our spouses every day of our lives. We demonize them, we humiliate them in public and in private, and we feel nothing. We feel nothing. The third way is a better way is when you encourage a communication. We tell them my darling, so thoughtful of you to bring this coffee. Allah bless you. I'm blessed to have you.

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You know what I'm saying? And that's important.

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It's very, very critical.

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It's critical for us to understand

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that sometimes your silence can be hurtful. Sometimes your speech can be hurtful. Sometimes the timing can be also hurtful.

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It's very, very important. It's very, very critical. How you manage this, the dynamics of relationships.

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Then you get instances

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That you know that a particular topic is problematic that my wife and I have divergent viewpoints completely opposite. And it often leads to a heated argument. But you constantly have the same argument You are an idiot.

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What you are

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an idiot.

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I'll never tell it to my wife. I never use those words. You understand what I'm saying to you? So you got to be conscious. You see what happens to us? We are very preoccupied. We aggregate to us ourselves, as if we are the most important person in the world. And my wife is blessed my sushi Baba Lena, don't you bless to marry me? Don't?

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You understand? Right? You come home? Well, I did who I worked so hard to feed you and clothe you to look after you. You respect me, babe, you understand?

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Therefore, it's important to have a reciprocal understanding.

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Therefore, in the first three years of marriage, clear out your expectations, ask the question.

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Are you an affectionate person? How would you like me to show you affection?

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If you and I have a disagreement? How would you like me to deal with it? If I have been a cause of her to you? You know, what would you like me to do? You understand? Sometimes we assume

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that we know these things. Now every person is unique. What might work in one home may not work in other home. I saw an interesting video clip the other day.

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He says Generally, if you ask the sisters, what kind of man make you happy?

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And he says that when the woman shared those descriptors, then that person says to them, we're not looking for a man, you're looking for a woman. Right? Can we say I want a man who is nurturing? Who is caring, who is loving, you understand? I'm not saying we're not we cannot be like that, I will not be such a loud your solemn was like that is something that we can learn. But what you got to understand, we do not see the world as it is. But as we are, we are products of life experiences. No one is born to make another person unhappy. No one says okay, let me see how I can make my life My wife's life miserable today. Instead, I'm saying to you, some of them do not know.

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Some of them do not know. Right? So what do we need to do? How can we create a culture of understanding in how we can create it, that every time there is an issue that needs to be resolved, resolve it?

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Focus on the issue.

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You still love the person, but you tell the person you know I have an issue. Something I maybe I misunderstood you do not be judgmental.

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This is what happened today. I'm not too sure whether you are aware of what you said. You said this, you understand, be open, do not come there in a judgmental way. Not come there in a harsh way. Do not come they like you having an argument.

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I mean, people get a shock of their life when I tell them.

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That is very seldom. I'm married for 35 years. I'm happily married and my wife is also happily married to me.

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Right? I'm married for 35 years. And in those 35 years.

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If I can't even remember if I ever had not enough if I was upset about something, and do you know how I convey that I'm upset? How?

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I'm angry with you.

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No, no. I would tell her like this. I tell her darling,

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I'm angry.

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I mean, why should I shot my anger? Why should I scream my anger?

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Why should I scream my anger?

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Therefore, you know, we know NaVi sounded loud he was seldom, this is very important. Very critical also, when he said that believers, mirrors and to each other is such a powerful metaphor.

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Right? A mirror doesn't come to you, you go to the mirror. The mirror has no memory. Right? When you are for example, I often use this analogy. If you ask them

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With a whiteboard front of the mirror, if there is a speck of dust or mark on this spot, the mirror would first recognize the purity of the rest of the White will tell you, oh my gosh, what a beautiful dress you've got. It's so nice. I don't maybe you did not notice this little mark on this side.

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And you recognize the goodness.

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And the mirror doesn't diminish it, or amplify that particular Mark

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doesn't exaggerate it.

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Right. There are so many lessons to be learned from that. So many beautiful lessons to be learned from that, that we did not say enough words of love,

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have complimentary things to each other. We in Islam, you know, we should recognize the effort, right? Not the outcome, the intention, which is fundamental, will last for example, you have praised your spouse for something they have done for a dish they might have cooked or something that you as you have done as a husband will last Have you done that? When last Have you set, sat down and had an authentic conversation and authentic conversation, a genuine conversation because you know what happens to us men because of the frenetic lifestyle that we lead. Our minds are preoccupied at any given time you speak to someone the mind is thinking of something else. You understand, she is self

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responding, we react, there is no empathy. And I remember the last time I shared this with you, right and I'll share it again. I'll share it again.

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Our Nabi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was present.

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When he was with you, he spoke to you, he gave his total self to

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the time of Salah 100% to the Salah

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when he ate the food 100% conscious and thankful to Allah.

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Not like us. Our minds are preoccupied when we read our Salah we don't know is the first record or the fourth record, I don't know what you don't know where you are. That the issue of Sakina is not there. You don't feel the comfort of Salah. Right? So I if you can do this, and and I remember whenever I practice this,

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I feel authentic.

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And, and I'd like you to do this.

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You're going to practice it yet.

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Either with your spouse next to you. If you're sitting alone, you can do it with a split personality, not an issue.

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And I hope you have a sense of humor. I hope in your homes. You have a sense of humor. You do.

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Right?

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Okay. Okay, okay. I think you'll need therapy.

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Now given this example.

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Do you think my question to you

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when you genuinely listen to someone, your body language you move towards that person? You listen with intent. You think that person feels it?

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They do feel it.

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They do feel it?

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And if we can do that, I promise you every moment you spend with your spouse, be a beautiful moment of warmth.

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Of Love of affection. I care for you.

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I'm the eldest you know

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eldest and

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I have five other brothers and a sister and my mum and dad passed away May Allah grant them the highest status in Jana May Allah grant our parents this Jana

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may you and your spouse they will demand

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Shall

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I recall

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I went to see my younger brother

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was a Imam

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in a small town called pushups in

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about one hour 10 minutes from

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from Durban.

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So anyway, I

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I said you know, I normally I mean I have the people I love my brothers and all that

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And I said, You know, I lifted my hand. I said, Yeah, Allah

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today.

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Today, when I meet my brother,

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I want it to be unlike any other meeting. Unlike any other meeting, I want to penetrate his heart. I want him to know that I love him. I care for him.

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You know, how often you ask the question sometimes to your spouse, how was your day? You don't listen to the answer. Next become mechanical, you know, you know, like you find like when you are in the UK, they say Jolly good day to day you day. Oh, lovely day. It's Yes, yes, Gods it is a lovely day, you know, right. It's very, like pleasant tree, you know, talking about the weather. So anyway, I

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I went there. I went to the office, I gave my brother a hug. And please listen to me attentively because I'm gonna make you do it here.

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Right. I gave my brother a hug. I sat opposite him.

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And I was 100% focused on him.

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100% focus on him.

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After two minutes, he started crying.

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He gave me a hug. He said to me, Idris, my brother of all the years you and I spoke. Nothing touched me more than what happened now. What did you do differently? Let me tell you what I did differently. I first sought Allah's guidance. And when I was sitting behind the desk, I looked him in the eye. salaam aleikum Imran, how are you my beloved brother?

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And I was waiting for his answer.

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I said the I love forbid, if he was in pain, if he doesn't share it with me.

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He said to me this, I'm very well I

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asked him, how's the family? How's the vibe? How your kids? Right? Just a few questions. He got up and he gave me a hug.

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Because it was authentic. You know what I'm saying to you? We must learn communication has to be authentic.

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It has to be from the heart. It has to be clear, is fundamental. Right? Because in the end, in the end, society would forget you. But your family they leave an indelible impression. They know you better than anyone else. Allah forbid, the day you die. With the family or shoe. Y'all are waxing lyrical about my father and my mother, tell me about them. I do not know them. I do not know them. I do not know the person you're talking about.

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And I say the crucible or the acid test is about how you I tone what you communicate.

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What do you say? Are you present? Do you acknowledge? are you thankful for the food you get? Do you express your love? Do you ask question with the intention of listening?

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So I want to recommend three things that I feel you should do. Right?

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Three things. Number one,

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you and your spouse need to develop a family routine.

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together. Okay, a family routine.

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Right? And in that routine, logs we meet time in the routine, will you give yourself space away from the kids, uninterrupted half an hour of conversation? Will you share

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your day? Will you share your anxiety?

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Would it not be tragic that you cannot share your anxiety with the person that's supposed to be a pillar? The institution of marriage transcends life, it goes beyond life.

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It goes beyond life.

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And I tell you this, you know,

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for me,

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the day is you and I know that our days are going to be tough. They're going to be challenging. Because of the nature of my work I do. helping people with their problems. Some days are tougher than other days. Some days I see more people than I should. So I come home with a heavy chest. Very heavy Chin's are what do I want. I want

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Someone to be supportive of me. I just need to tell my beloved wife, darling, my paper

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my shoe shoe Baba Lena Aquila shushi bouboulina my dog has a dog has good

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y'all do that to your spouse's and try to the wife convener retreat.

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I like it.

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I just have to tell her. I tell her tell her baby had a tough day. It is so comforting. She holds me. She says, you know I'm here. I know the work you do. I support you. We Okay.

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Is a Theater Talk to me about I feel relieved, isn't it? I feel relieved.

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Why do you think today companies are doing parenting and marriage programs because they realize when they people got peace at home they can unleash the potential sit together and develop a routine. Right? And and a part of the routine is this where you ask the question, how was your day? How was your day? Ask the question. Right? Ask the question. Is it men and woman are different right?

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On average, the studies have shown a man speaks traveling out 1000 words a day. A woman My beloved sisters. 25,000 words a day.

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A man will go for work overseas. You come back is my philosophy. Hello, Jacqueline. Somebody come? How was your day? How was your one week trip? Alhamdulillah. Right. But you asked the wife How was your day? 25,000 words are coming brother. Right. Can you need to understand for her for the woman. It is romantic that her husband listens to her without interruption. Now we are trying to look for a structure where she's going with this. You want to find a solution to it. You know, I mean? Am I right? Wrong? sisters? Hey, yes, yes, yes, yes. kamisha. Right. Yes, yes. Tell your husband. Yes. Right. Okay, I say now I know. No. Right. Right. So what happens is this that way, but on the other

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extreme, men are like this. They go out, they have a frenetic day, they come back, they want peace and quiet. Don't speak to nobody. Kids must be off to sleep. I don't know about them. Right. So So this idea of routine is important. And you should get your children to be part of this routine. They say a family that eats together, plays together, prays together stays together.

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You know, you know, it's sometimes it is so hurtful. I mean it so hurtful. She says, you know, some woman tell me that I got to second guess what my husband is thinking? He comes home? We don't talk at all. I have no idea how was his day, you know, whether enjoys the food or not you I just got to guess. I mean, it's tragic. It's tragic. I know of people, for example, who go on a holiday with their spouses. They may they may be in a car driving for 500 miles or whatever it is, but they don't speak to each other. In a sense, they don't speak to each other. Right? I'm not saying you got to speak throughout now you're not? Right. Right. You must know when to keep quiet. Right? You need you

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understand, I'm saying to you is a very important thing about communication. And part of the communication is this. It is through speech. You can inspire your partner, it is through your speech, and through your conduct. You can hear your partner, you can forgive your partner. And forgiveness is a very important thing that you're going to get hurt. It's going to happen. Forgiveness is important. You know, one of the ironies is this. You know, we all search for lyrical cutter, right? We lift up our hands Ayala, forgive me, y'all Forgive me, y'all Forgive me. Yet, yet no own hearts of hearts. There are people that have hurt you. You don't want to forgive.

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In his words of forgiveness, words of encouragement, words of support. This is what you want to hear. I tell my beloved wife, my solution Baba Lena, I tell her.

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I tell her

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in public, you must praise me.

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When people say good things about Muslim dress, what I meant. What?

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I said, you can just eyes me. It's okay. But public must say what a man

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because sadly, we make our issues into public areas in a sin. We say those things, we demean people. So the whole issue of routine is very, very important. Very, very critical.

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Second thing that is also important part of communication is this.

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It is said sometimes

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that people are married for many years.

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And then

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in the twilight years of the life,

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one of them might say, you know,

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we are married for 45 years, 50 years

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is a pity my husband doesn't know what I like, is never asked.

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And then you regret perhaps I should have told him, you're listening. This these are important things

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is getting to know, the uniqueness of the other is how through speech, for listening, and through observation

00:30:51--> 00:31:12

is fundamental. And I can tell you something, if you've got that is an antidote, with all the things that are going around in the world. It's a very powerful thing. And when you're coming home, prepare psychologically for the home, leave your work behind. And then the wife might say, I want to start off with

00:31:13--> 00:31:26

positive words, the first four seconds, look at our speeches, the first four seconds, when you get to the house, the home is the most important four seconds. First four seconds.

00:31:28--> 00:31:40

And I recommend when you walk into the home, right phone, say darling, I'm two minutes away. Right, and you await your spouse if you're coming together another matter.

00:31:42--> 00:31:50

And as your spouse comes in, give him a hug at the door. A nice hug, let your children see that.

00:31:51--> 00:31:53

Let your children see that.

00:31:54--> 00:32:34

Because you teaching them about the institution of marriage, you teaching them about how to express your love, was our Novi Sad allowed to sell them romantic or not? What effect I mentioned the last time I am planning to write a book on that the bestseller loud is some of the romantic prophets. He was very romantic. Very, very romantic. Right? Now, there are many lessons, we'll talk about that in a moment. So what I'm saying to those four seconds, with the wife per se, I don't want to say anything negative, when I meet with them, there is a time in place for it. I want to meet him with love.

00:32:36--> 00:33:16

The husband will say when I come home out to meet her would love it, that doesn't happen. The rest of the evening is finished. Right around? That's true. Right? Right. The next important thing, right, we spoke about a routine. The next thing I would like you to do is to develop what are called core values. What are our values? What are our unique values, you can say our unique values are the following. For example, there are many you can you can decide what you want. Our values are that we treat everyone with dignity from the smallest to the oldest.

00:33:17--> 00:33:39

Secondly, secondly, that when we get visitors, we are warm and hospitable to them. So those kind of values that you understand that you will decide, these are our values, that in any time, no matter what happens, this is all value. We must be honest,

00:33:40--> 00:34:19

no matter what it is, if you're honest, then at least we can forgive we can he is very, very critical. Right? I remember reading a book. And in this book, one of the values of the family was the following. It was that no matter what happens, you must be honest. I think. Anyway, I mentioned the story again. There was this boy but 19 year old son, his mum and dad had gone out we decided to take his father's car. He met up with a serious accident. The car was badly damaged. He came home, he passed the car off. Soon his father came he asked me son, what happened to the car.

00:34:21--> 00:34:28

He realized at that time that value struck him because they all lived by that value. He says Daddy,

00:34:29--> 00:34:46

I did it. Daddy, I took the lead. So the father wanted to teach him consequences of behavior. There has to be accountability. There has to be consequences. So the father said, Tim, did you report it to the police station? He said no. I'm afraid because I don't have my license. No, I want you to report it.

00:34:49--> 00:34:57

The sun went report read and he had to spend the night in prison and whatever whatever happened. He says my son never forgot that lesson.

00:34:59--> 00:34:59

So you decide

00:35:00--> 00:35:03

On values, the reason why I'm sharing this

00:35:04--> 00:35:23

otherwise, our families or whatever, we are just biologically connected. We're connected through marriage, we like parallel trains being passed each other every day with no communication. Nothing. Nothing. Right? At the time, is meeting time.

00:35:25--> 00:36:12

It's an opportunity, especially for the man of the house, to affirm the wife to communicate his love for the kids, aren't you bless. For the mummy Allah has given you, you take mommy for the foot today, teaching him social etiquette around the table, that's part of communication, hey, this is what makes us different. Our men is our etiquette, the way we treat people, right? So you you discuss all of that your firm, right? So the value is one thing. Then the other thing which is also important, requires little more time is developing family goals. Now family goal, for example, where do you see yourself? Where do we see yourself in five years time in 10 years time, then within the

00:36:12--> 00:36:33

goals, they are personal goals, like for example, health goals, spiritual goals, cognitive goals, emotional goals, and then you help each other to develop this. The reason why I'm sharing that part with you very quickly, right is a fully let me know when I'm time's up, brother, excuse me, subpoena will send

00:36:36--> 00:36:54

or if I know campus warming up, you know, I don't ever watch. I normally I live by the calendar and I mean, okay, right. And it's raining. So it's okay, right? Right. You'll be gone longer. Right. Okay. Say please. No, thank you. So cane, right? Right. Right. Right. So anyway, now this is very, very important.

00:36:57--> 00:36:58

Very critical.

00:37:00--> 00:37:02

This is a friend of mine.

00:37:03--> 00:37:08

May Allah grant the highest status in Ghana. On each day.

00:37:09--> 00:37:25

He passed away. He was at his cousin's place he was he's a dear friend of mine. And he told the woman of the house, could I go up to the bathroom and just make abolition of the read master phrase. And they found that there was

00:37:26--> 00:37:32

it took a little bit delayed, and they got there. He was dead on the floor, right.

00:37:34--> 00:37:37

So I went to his home. What did I see?

00:37:39--> 00:37:46

His beloved mother who is in the 80s, late 80s, uncontrollable tears.

00:37:47--> 00:38:17

I meet the wife, whom I know uncontrollable tears. Because they son saw me like a father figure. They all hugged me for comfort. One story is a doctor. They learned that the Father, there were some patients in our chart and because they could not afford it. He charged him according to what they could afford. They also claimed for him, the people the most way he's involved the all crime for him.

00:38:18--> 00:39:04

The neighbors are crying for him. So he has attained success. So we got to, it's very important part of our communication is true. You should be a visionary to inspire your family, to have a vision to understand the overall objective why we are here the Quran is clear. Save yourself and your family from the fire of hell. You can have all the material things in the world. If you do not attain Jenna you actually nothing Am I right or wrong? You can have all the pain in the world you attain Jenna the pain is nothing. Instead I'm saying to you, so it's very, very important. Very, very critical to understand. How do you define success? Now you define success. They say people will forget what you

00:39:04--> 00:39:25

told them, but they'll never forget how you made them feel. people's feelings are sacred. They important. They important you know the importance and you when you think of others allowed to think about you. Hey, no one left in a B cell allowed some empty handed nobody. If you could not help be pointed them the way

00:39:26--> 00:39:29

they look at nubby cells never want to hurt anyone.

00:39:30--> 00:39:59

In a story that I always like to mention the story about the grapes, right? That one person came to give Nabisco some grapes. They were Saba they he took one bite of the grape ate one great then the second until he finished the whole bunch. The Saba was shocked. is so unlike him, he's happy to share with everyone and that person went away. Then he said to them, You know, I know with a question was asked. He said when I took the first grape it was sour.

00:40:02--> 00:40:10

I was afraid Look at him, I was afraid that if I gave it to you, you might have shown your displeasure, and you'd have hurt that men.

00:40:12--> 00:40:51

Feelings are important. The critical, we must think before we act, we are gonna make mistakes. You can keep on making mistakes. Allah will forgive us. But we are human too. You know, we are human. We are human. It's very, very important. Very, very critical. That we understand that. We understand that. The idea is this. Ask yourself every day, if I died today, what impression did I leave? You know, the question, people often ask this question. When you lose your loved one. They often ask this question.

00:40:53--> 00:40:55

What was his parting words to you?

00:40:57--> 00:41:29

Was there any sign in the indication? No, people asked one day, yesterday. Don't people ask this? Right? Now, let me tell you, my wife and I practice a ritual. Right? The ritual is the following. Right? I stay in about 48 apartments 12 bill each floor and with your car, you drive to your apartment, okay? And when I'm leaving in the morning, my wife will stand the door and blow kisses

00:41:30--> 00:41:35

in a romantic way. You know me, you notice I've got the style, right? I just turned my head. And as I'm driving along,

00:41:36--> 00:41:55

right? My wife is a bit shy. You know, I mean, but she throws the kisses also. Right, Right then, or come out or get to the road. She'll always ask me where I'm going today from being on that area. She wants 10 from being the same. It's just 10 the veranda, she said in the corner and then are good to them. A bloke kisses.

00:41:56--> 00:42:25

Now, all the woman is standing the veranda now. And I told them no, no, not for you. It's only for my wife. Right? And my mother in law is staying the says Yes, he's right only for my daughter. Right? So we know that you know what I'm saying to you, we do that you understand? So so it's very, very important, right? Very, very important for you to understand that. Very, very important for you to learn, you know, to the art of listening.

00:42:26--> 00:42:56

Say today I'm going to listen, I'm not going to put in, I'm not going to complete the sentences, I will not be selective, I will not only listen to the words, but also listen to the emotions of those words, what emotion is going through, because whether we like it or not, at any given time, we are going through some emotions. It is these emotions that inform our values is these informal emotions that informs what we say and how we go about saying.

00:42:57--> 00:43:12

You understand. Okay, so what I want you to do now, right? Put your hands up those of you as next to your spouse, your next your spouse. Right, okay, right. Okay, right. Okay. Now, so what I want you to do, right? I see you getting no sweating.

00:43:14--> 00:43:14

Right?

00:43:16--> 00:43:24

Right. So what I want you to do, I want you practice, right? If you're not next, your spouse, right? Whoever is next to is, is I want

00:43:26--> 00:43:29

you to say something to her. Right?

00:43:30--> 00:43:31

And,

00:43:33--> 00:43:41

and I want you to say it, and I would like you this is a challenge. Because we don't do it. You see? How would you say it from your heart?

00:43:42--> 00:43:44

from your heart, right from your heart?

00:43:46--> 00:44:00

She would listen to you. Right? She would respond to you. Then she'll say something. And you also listen from your heart. Can you do that? Hey, hey, so if you are ready to go home now

00:44:03--> 00:44:15

this is too much this man because this guy's crazy. No, no, I mean it. I mean, I'll tell you what happened right? I remember I tried this out the place called Rustenburg is a place in South Africa Rustenburg right? And

00:44:16--> 00:44:20

and the way this two sisters they are identical twins.

00:44:22--> 00:44:34

And you know what? The way they broke down and hugged each other, you know, they said the first time they really felt love for each other. You know, because in the end, my friends

00:44:35--> 00:45:00

we mean well, you know, we often say but tomorrow I'm going to do this for a believer. The only time is now. The only time is now is not tomorrow. seek Allah's forgiveness now. Change now. Love now. Forgive now tear now. That's it. That's it. The past is gone. Don't live in the past. Don't be anxious about the future.

00:45:00--> 00:45:40

Future, the present now be present, be present be present in why there is so much of depression everywhere, because we cannot be present. We cannot be present. We are not present in our Salah, we not present the food we eat, we not present the way we interact with people. Be present, be present, be present, learn to be present, learn to be present. It makes a big difference. You'll find every interaction I there are so many examples I can share with you so many example, I will not forget when I was the headmaster, one school, right, a headmaster, one man's good citizen. One man

00:45:43--> 00:46:20

is, uh, you know, he's a very busy guy, this guy, right? He's involved the community, right? He comes into the school, and he comes to me, he says, You know what, I was thinking about you. I just came in to convey my salaams to you. And I started crying. I could feel I could feel his sincerity, I could feel his warmth. I said, Allah bless you, Allah look after you. You can feel it. You can feel it. We are so discerning. Even if someone is speaking to you over the phone, you know, whether they're paying attention to the call or not. You ask What are you busy with? Yes or no?

00:46:22--> 00:46:22

You understand?

00:46:23--> 00:46:48

Right? how we respond to people, how we engage people, learning the art of communication, you know, we are not taskmasters. This is your family. This is a family, your family, that will cry for you, that when you die is a family who pray for you, a family that would miss you in Sharla a family this is your family.

00:46:50--> 00:47:04

You understand what I'm saying to you. So, what I want you to do as an exercise, I want you to please start doing that you got to live you got to be mindful, you got to be mindful, you got to be mindful.

00:47:05--> 00:47:06

Right.

00:47:07--> 00:47:16

And you know what, and we need to learn that we need to become more disciplined, we go to bed suffering for other people's inadequacies was there perhaps snoring somewhere

00:47:18--> 00:47:47

you understand, we you got you got to be conscious and keep on and part of communication is showing gratitude to Allah. How you communicate one hour, so as a family, thank Allah then color, and you cannot thank Allah enough for all the bounties he has given you. Instead, I cannot thank Allah enough. In fact, I feel as if I'm a Malaysian, Sofia, you're looking very upset about it. Okay, I've just changed my mind.

00:47:48--> 00:47:51

Right, right. So what I want you to do is this.

00:47:54--> 00:48:02

I want you to do the unison what I've said to you, right, you say something, and your spouse listens, listens.

00:48:04--> 00:48:19

And they respond to what you have said first, etc, you see, is one thing when someone says something nice to you. But it's also very important how you respond to it. It must be it says, What?

00:48:21--> 00:48:34

If I tell this to my wife? Yes, she put me off. Right. Now you got to ask, you know, this is a very important thing right? Before I forget this also, right? Sometimes you say that my spouse doesn't tell me everything.

00:48:36--> 00:48:37

doesn't tell me everything.

00:48:38--> 00:48:52

You're going to ask yourself why? Why was there a time in American life when he shared something? And instead of you responding with empathy and understanding, you ended off reprimanding?

00:48:54--> 00:49:09

Do you know I know of I know of people I know of people they visited they own mother and father behind the back of the wife. Can you believe it? Because their wife gets agitated.

00:49:11--> 00:49:32

In a sense, so I think it's very important. The Quran says save yourself and your family from the fire of heaven. You know, if you have a husband or a wife, that is doing great things showing filial gratitude, showing love to the parents, you must thank Allah for that. And so I'm giving you're about five minutes, right?

00:49:33--> 00:49:52

Are you ready for that? Right. Are you ready? Are you ready for that? Right? Do you know what to do? All if you know, right, all if you know, if you're sitting alone, speak to your multiple personalities. Right? If you sit if you're sitting alone, speak to your you know mid split personality. I want you to do with it.

00:49:53--> 00:49:55

Start to do that.

00:49:56--> 00:50:00

Because this is Nabi sallallahu wasallam he was present

00:50:01--> 00:50:02

He was present.

00:50:06--> 00:50:08

Okay. Bismillah do that. Come on?

00:50:10--> 00:50:17

You're okay, I'm sorry. disturb you so authentic. I can see the true authentic. Are you done? No.

00:50:18--> 00:50:28

Okay, right. Let's see, see, I need volunteers, right? Which two individuals want to share the experience? And?

00:50:30--> 00:50:30

And

00:50:31--> 00:50:35

if you found something different in it, how did you find something different?

00:50:38--> 00:50:38

No one.

00:50:40--> 00:50:42

I think I need to come for remedial classes here.

00:50:43--> 00:50:55

Let me I want to know, how many of you found there was something different? If you did it properly, would have been different. If you did it properly, would, it would have been different?

00:50:57--> 00:51:07

You understand I'm saying to you, right? If you say now, or it's raining, I mean, there's a mundane topic, right? You're not gonna get moved? He says, yes, you showed up. Right?

00:51:09--> 00:51:23

Right. But anyway, they I would like there must be someone could be anyone, mother child, it could be a couple, it could be friends, whatever, who would like to share the experience now?

00:51:25--> 00:51:33

Please, if and, you know, the reason why I want you to share the experience is so that you inspire other people. He's not that, you know?

00:51:35--> 00:51:36

Is that your

00:51:38--> 00:51:41

Yasmin? Yeah, I could see she's looking at you so much of love.

00:51:42--> 00:51:44

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

00:51:46--> 00:51:49

When last year, he told you, he loves you.

00:51:53--> 00:51:54

How many years ago?

00:51:56--> 00:51:58

Anyway, you tell him tell I love you, darling.

00:52:01--> 00:52:24

That's so nice. So nice. You cannot say enough of these things. Right? So anyway, I really hope and pray. I've got a few more points here. It's pray that inshallah, that you learn to connect to see, you're going to help each other to connect, help. Sometimes, you know, you know, they say we do not see the world

00:52:25--> 00:53:08

as it is, but as we are, we are products of life experiences, you know what I'm saying to you, you might have grown up in a home where your parents never showed that love. Maybe showed in different ways. But the expression of love is a very critical thing, the articulation of it, you might have grown up at home, where these things were not shared unison, you know, we experienced it in our God, that particular kind of love. We need to understand that have that particular perspective. Try to understand your partner. Let them also try to understand you. Okay, because remember this,

00:53:09--> 00:53:18

if you do not express or communicate with your partner, sadly, the only time you're going to communicate is the tears of regret when they're gone.

00:53:20--> 00:53:28

I always say and I've said this before, is better to give a person a living person a rose than laying a wreath on the grave

00:53:31--> 00:53:32

tears of regret

00:53:33--> 00:53:34

every day.

00:53:36--> 00:53:39

Cheers, uncontrollable tears.

00:53:43--> 00:53:46

I recall this very, very emotional.

00:53:50--> 00:53:51

Funeral as it were.

00:53:52--> 00:53:54

One of my friends

00:53:56--> 00:53:59

for me, he said to me this.

00:54:00--> 00:54:05

My ex wife has passed away. I want you to give a dignity.

00:54:06--> 00:54:08

I want to be there.

00:54:09--> 00:54:09

So

00:54:11--> 00:54:14

in that, at midnight, we buried

00:54:16--> 00:54:18

the only six of us at midnight.

00:54:21--> 00:54:23

her biological son was there.

00:54:24--> 00:54:26

About 2122 years old.

00:54:29--> 00:54:30

He works so hard

00:54:31--> 00:54:36

in filling the grave crying filling the grave and the thought struck me

00:54:40--> 00:54:42

is he saying Yola?

00:54:44--> 00:54:47

I was not there when my mother was around,

00:54:48--> 00:54:49

but I'm here now.

00:54:51--> 00:54:55

I pray inshallah, that my hard work in sha Allah

00:54:57--> 00:54:58

would redeem me

00:55:00--> 00:55:03

In a sense, I'm saying to you, so it's a fundamental thing

00:55:05--> 00:55:11

that for you, for each one of us to have a true perspective about things for perspective.

00:55:13--> 00:55:19

Right, you know, they speak about post operative pain 48 hours,

00:55:21--> 00:55:42

I went for many operations, and every time I had the post operative pain, I said, I felt better before the operation, because I don't see the bigger picture you see, then you heal you thank Allah for that, right? So I pray inshallah, that now homes, you know, we sort things out right? What I did, you know, for this talk,

00:55:43--> 00:55:50

I prepared like an acronym, which I want to share with you with the words communicate, right?

00:55:51--> 00:55:53

The first c i said

00:55:54--> 00:55:59

that when you communicate, it must come with care and would love

00:56:04--> 00:56:08

innocent Kitty, and would love to see

00:56:12--> 00:56:13

the Oh,

00:56:14--> 00:56:16

there has to be open communication.

00:56:19--> 00:56:32

Where you're able to speak about subjects freely and openly there is nothing to hide between two of us, there is nothing to hide between two of us, if you can do that is magic.

00:56:35--> 00:56:36

The M

00:56:37--> 00:56:37

M,

00:56:43--> 00:57:03

see, the child knows how to communicate, one little cry, Daddy will give me right right. M is you got to be malleable. In a sense, you got to be changing, you got to be able to adapt to situations, you understand the M right? About the other end.

00:57:05--> 00:57:11

And okay, the other M is you got to be mindful.

00:57:13--> 00:57:24

That means you got to be present, you got to know what you are saying, measure your words. Even if you want to be critical, be critical with love.

00:57:26--> 00:57:29

Don't start off like this baby, I want to see you

00:57:34--> 00:57:38

understand, like you got to be mindful, right? Then

00:57:40--> 00:58:00

you you got to understand the other, you must understand the person you got to understand the other, understand the emotions, understand the capacity, understand them. And accordingly, you say whatever you want to say, understand the other.

00:58:03--> 00:58:12

If you know for example, some information might stress my spouse at this particular time, I'll find an appropriate time to tell her or him.

00:58:13--> 00:58:37

The timing is important. Many people say I'm glad I told him I feel much better. But you just tried to everyone else around you. You understand? Yes, it's important that you need to say whatever you have to say. But the timing is very important. Very, very critical. Right? You know, I really believe and I believe this fervently. If no one prays for me except my wife, inshallah get Jenna.

00:58:38--> 00:59:20

Because she has ample testimony. If I was good of hours bed, if she prays for me, pray for my forgiveness. As you say Allah forgive him. He never hurt me. Whatever it is, I hope so you know what I'm saying to you. That's it. That's it. That's what I'm saying. The home is critical. Right? If you look at NaVi Zelda loud, he would sell them and his beloved wife, there are so many stories to say, you know, the one story that I often like to talk about is one night when he was going to get up for keyamo les BB Aisha says, I was sitting so close to our so I would like so close to him. And I was enjoying my closeness to him with

00:59:22--> 00:59:30

the bestseller Islam, the highest of illustration, who is saying, hey, when the most beautiful creation of Allah vpifa a scholar of note.

00:59:32--> 00:59:38

So he asked, Do you mind if I get up to read my camera lady asked, Do you mind?

00:59:39--> 00:59:58

What was he going to do? He didn't say Do you mind? I'm going to play golf with someone. Not I'm just saying. Do you mind if I do that? As What does she say? As much as I like your closest to me. I also like what you like how beautiful is it?

01:00:00--> 01:00:00

how beautiful

01:00:01--> 01:00:04

they are they experience that we cannot speak enough have

01:00:06--> 01:00:06

enough of

01:00:07--> 01:00:20

the time in a B cell allowed to sell them God the first revelation. It was a surrealistic experience, right? Who did you run to be Khadija? What did she do? She affirmed him.

01:00:22--> 01:00:38

He said, you're a good person, you care for people. And she went beyond that also, what they should do, he confirmed to other people that that experience was a divine experience. It wasn't saucer, do whatever you want. I'm saying to you, that seems

01:00:40--> 01:00:59

confirmation right? formation. Right. So the idea of understanding the other, the end, your communication must be nurturing. Right? caring. It mustn't be for example, harsh words. I hope they are no profanities between you and your spouse.

01:01:00--> 01:01:07

You know what, when I talk to anyone, if someone is vulgar, or profane, to me, I say brother, or sister,

01:01:08--> 01:01:13

I've never been where you come from, I'm sorry, my conversation is over with you.

01:01:14--> 01:01:15

Finish

01:01:22--> 01:01:33

the eye, inspiring confidence in the other. So in other words, whenever you and your spouse speak, you feel a sense of inspiration. You feel good.

01:01:34--> 01:01:43

You feel a firm, you feel acknowledged. Right? You feel appreciated, you feel appreciated, you understand.

01:01:47--> 01:01:56

Also, the purpose of communication is to connect with each other, to bring your close together.

01:01:58--> 01:02:19

To bring your close together. That's important, right? Next one, and when you are communicating, someone is communicating to you. You must be attentive, stop everything you are doing. Right? Naturally, the timing is also important, right? But it's important. When you're communicating, stop everything you'll be attentive.

01:02:20--> 01:02:24

Also, the purpose of communication is to

01:02:26--> 01:02:41

trust building to build up trust. And lastly they eat of communicate, is you need to build up with empathy and understanding that your communication must be non judgmental. Right. Okay.

01:02:42--> 01:02:56

Right. I want to just end off quickly with two more points around our other tech questions. It's such a broad topic. I hope I touched some practical aspects. Was it okay? Right. It wasn't okay. Or what do you think it was wonderful.

01:02:58--> 01:03:10

He must do the right do you think he was brilliant? You think is magnificent? There we are. Magnificent. That's it. So when you articulating your love, tell your wife You are simply magnificent.

01:03:12--> 01:03:13

You are beautiful.

01:03:14--> 01:03:16

You're not superfluous you there.

01:03:17--> 01:03:24

Your footprint. Linnaeus beauty hair surpasses anything the eye or the mind can imagine.

01:03:27--> 01:03:32

Right? Okay, the last two things very quickly. Remember this.

01:03:35--> 01:03:38

If your self esteem is low,

01:03:39--> 01:04:20

if you call low self esteem, then you are suspicious. If your husband tells you Hey, darling, house it. I like it. Right? She said Why is he saying this? What's your I mean, you are suspicious. She's very, very important to develop your own self esteem. Find out why is it is low. self esteem is very important. self esteem is to recognize your own uniqueness. Right. Understand that. Because in life, if you've got high self esteem, you only take responsibility for things that are under your control.

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If you've got low self esteem, you're going to speculate

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you cannot effect change or embrace change. You cannot have a vision. You have what you call a blame syndrome. Blaming everyone.

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Okay.

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So right. That's what they're in reminds me not doesn't remind me. I think it's okay. I'll say it. There was this. One person went to a doctor. So document two I

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went to a doctor. So the doctor told him you know, so what's your problem? He said, No, Your problem is hereditary. So okay. physiatry will send the account

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My grandfather's not the pay is this one right at Right, right. But the most important thing that besides I'm assuming you know, taqwa is the most critical thing is the whole issue of emotional intelligence, emotional intelligence, if you can develop that.

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Okay? emotional intelligence is about being smart about your emotions, knowing what you're experiencing, monitoring it, self regulating it. Also understanding the impact on other people, right? When you have a high EQ, you're positive. You can motivate others, you can motivate yourself, you are present, you lead a balanced life. You experience anger, but you know how to express it.

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You experience joy, you know how to express the joy.

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You need to say something you say it, you get the timing right. When you go to high EQ. When you and your spouse has a problem, you never say I don't know why I married you. You don't suffer from emotional meltdown. What you do you say I'm happily married, but my husband and I have an issue which we need to resolve. That's important, right? A very, very important aspect EQ right EQ right in the stand. Okay, in alarm like authorea saloon Allah nabee Yeah, Yola, Xena. amanu sallu alayhi wa sallam with us Lima Allahumma salli ala sin Baraka, Salah II Allah, bless all those individuals that are here and those that have been listening, and bless every home. Our homes today are no more

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the sanctuaries of the past. It's a place of contestation and struggle. Yalla Yalla give us the strength to forgive because you are all forgiving, Yala, Yala. Let us you know, help the couples to reconnect with each other, to connect to their hearts Yala. Let their homes be a place of inspiration. When the spouses are reminded to each other about why we are born. What is our purpose Yala.

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let us study the Sierra on a piece of the Lowery was seldom the most beloved creation, Yala, Yala, those that are contemplating marriage, yeah, let them find the right partners Yala. And let them also be the right partners, yada, yada the time of instant gratification. People are finding very, very difficult. Yeah, the two co political little little struggles y'all. Y'all are today the oma is bleeding the mice in pain globally, Allah, our homes and I would say this, from my experience. 70% of the homes have got some kind of issues, y'all. Let those issues not be the reason for separation. let y'all let those issues help us to resolve to strengthen and to really celebrate this wonderful

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institution of marriage Allah, Allah bless the individuals that are doing these programs everywhere. The people involved here in Malaysia and everywhere else, y'all. Y'all. Y'all are like the Sahaba when they learned anything from a mobile eclipse of Nabi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, that information led to transformation. It wasn't something theoretical in the vortex of the mind yalda they share it with others. The best way of learning is to teach others Yala. I pray for the individual sitting here Yala. Even though the pain Yala even though the i in Pena la emoto. The iPod Allah you are not blind to the me Allah Thea you are listening to them via Allah, the reward is only

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going to be in the year after the many homes here. With the so much of struggle the Father, Son, Father, daughter, husband and wife eola. It's a battle failure. And kids are growing up in the senior law. Why was I born in this home Yala. When others speak about the happy mother and father Why can I not speak about that y'all? but y'all I believe no one is incorrigible, y'all. You see until our dying moments y'all that you are there to forgive us, y'all. Y'all put it in our hearts that we also have even an iota of that capacity I love because when we come to Yala, becoming with Cinzia Allah it's only three or merci Allah, that will attain Jana Yala for this man Arabic Arabic

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is it there my cell phone for some reason