Intimacy In Marriage
Channel: Edris Khamissa
File Size: 33.10MB
I feel so good.
So relax. I like it.
The Name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful, the Lord of all the worlds to whom we belong, and to whom is our return, and made choices blessings go to the highest supple last creation, our beloved Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, the most romantic of all prophets.
an ambassador for us and humanity at large. as salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakaatuh.
Of all the
lectures I've given.
And the many lectures I've given in many parts of the world, I don't think a topic
is far more critical, and one that we're going to discuss.
And I want to say this in my preamble,
that sometimes in relationships,
we have issues.
And I'm loathe to generalize.
But suffice it to say,
I've seen the capacity of individuals
who take a quantum leap.
We are essentially
products of life experiences.
A child growing up in a happy home,
where they is expression of love.
This demonstration of love
grows up believing that this is a norm,
which it ought to be.
Then another child grows up
in another home,
where well the relationship between the father and mother is one of contestation and struggle,
and no expression of love.
The child grows up having a jaundiced view about marriage. And assuming that's a norm.
in one of the schools in London,
we I was conducting a workshop.
They found that the children growing up,
had no respect for the female teachers.
Kids, rude, no respect for the female teacher. And they began to wonder why
children normally are inclined towards the mothers. And in consequence, the females, right. And then they learnt that many of these kids growing, they grow up in a home
where it is a pure, patriarchal society to a point in which the husband is dictatorial.
And he does not really have a conversation with his wife. It's more like reprimand and instruction.
Now, why am I saying this? I'm saying this because
when I help people with their medical issues, and I helped over 1000s of people, the last blessing
and when couples come to me, I tell them you don't come to me to separate because they don't call me the love doctor for nothing.
The love doctor and I like it. I'm
innovative innovatively, I find is because of the childhood
and therefore, you find today
when you go for premarital counseling or conversation,
a fair number of questions maybe up to seven or eight questions about your childhood.
And I want you to understand this please.
did you grow up in a happy home?
Where your mom and dad loving? Did they show affection to each other in your presence? How did they show affection to each other
Are there some aspects of your childhood? You want to block out completely?
And when you get married to me in Sharla, what kind of father would you be?
How would you like me to show you affection?
These are important questions, my friends. Very, very important questions.
And there is a condition called post traumatic stress. And now to talk about all of this. I don't know about you, are you enjoying it so far? I'm having a great time really, if you're not enjoying it is okay. I'm, I'm having a jolly good time and tell you.
There is a condition called post traumatic stress. Post Traumatic Stress is when you grow up or when you go through some trauma, the issues are unresolved. And because they are unresolved, it taints the way you look at each other. It tastes the way you look at the world.
It filters that. So very important thing you see. It filters that
why is it
you get someone
with optimistic someone pessimistic doesn't just happen. You're not born like that. You're born with the clean sheet.
Why? what it is
and therefore my friends
is a bedrock of any marriage.
Even the Quran, Nabi sallallahu wasallam
When we are told, Luke is beautiful metaphor, that you are garments unto each other, are a powerful, powerful metaphor. You can spend the whole day talking about it a garment, what does the government do? It is closest thing to you, am I right or wrong? It protects you. It beautifies you.
It comforts you makes you feel secure. Government.
And I want to share one incident with you first. I know some of you heard it a number of times. So it's okay
about the expression of love,
expression of love.
So, hopefully, today, I want to talk about how to define what is intimacy. I want to look at the physical aspect of intimacy and look at the emotional aspect of intimacy, how to look at the spiritual dimension to intimacy.
Is it possible that all three things are not discrete, but they can be interwoven and be a part
Why are some people not intimate?
What does in Tennessee mean to some people?
So these are very important questions in Sharla.
How many of you are married, put your hands up here?
And if you are not married,
y'all look like the happiest people yet.
I want to share this. Now before I share this, please remember.
I have tremendous faith
in man's capacity. No matter what your experiences might might have been. How relenting unrelenting the pain might be. I'm saying this. I have complete faith in man's capacity and use the word men in a generic sense, man's capacity to take a quantum leap of faith.
I believe that
Don't believe anyone is incorrigible. I don't believe that.
And Allah is merciful gulfood Rahim. You're going to make mistakes. inshallah Allah will forgive us, we turn to him. Now this first incident I'm gonna talk about
is something. And really it was for me, in my experience as a counselor,
it was one of the most revealing experiences.
This man phones me up. Someone told him that I can help him. He telephones me. And he says to me
that my wife and I have issues.
So I asked him, What is the issue?
Well, my wife is never in my 12 years of marriage, express her love for me.
I don't even know she loves me. But I can deal with that. But I'm concerned about my child with one year old, our child who is not experiencing the mother's love.
So what do you want to do? He said, Well, I want to stay in the marriage. So what about your wife? He says, Well,
I must speak to her.
So I spoke to her on the phone.
And she said to me, I want to stay in the marriage except my father said to me, if I don't come back home now, I must never come back.
It was quite clear that the father was acutely aware of the ongoing issues between them and he was perhaps now fader so I said, No, you stay there. I will be coming. The love doctor
will be coming.
Yeah, say to love say the love doctor. That said yes, smile. Hey, love doc. I call my wife shoo, shoo. bouboulina
shoo shoo Belinda Hansard.
she said, Okay. I went to that place.
And she Allah works in mysterious ways.
In Islam, there is no coincidence.
No, there is no coincidence in Islam.
So we, as people of faith, must be able to capitalize whenever we meet
these reason for that meeting. Anyway, I got to the town. I normally have my own vehicle there, I would hire car. On that day, I didn't have a vehicle. So he fetched me. That means I had an opportunity of speaking to him on a one to one basis. Could I if I did not have the opportunity, I don't think I'll be able to share with you what I'm sharing with you. I asked him. Give me a quick background about your wife.
You know, what he said to me was to this effect.
When my wife was about one and a half years old, her mother left them. I see, okay.
We chatted, I went to the home. I spoke to the wife and I spoke to the husband.
And I like to in an ideal situation. I like to speak to couples when they are together.
Not because there'll be dishonesty. No. Because you are sharing a perspective of a situation. It is your perspective.
It is not necessary The only perspective.
In my initial years of counseling,
I met a sister in law blesser.
And she came with a read of notes, you know,
word of notes. And she was speaking about her husband. I promise you I concluded. I said to myself, could there be a more diabolical human being on this earth? And what she said?
The husband came to me after a few months.
He came to me said to me, I'm sure you heard from my wife. I said Did I hear what
he said let me share with you my perspective.
When he shared his perspective,
I said could they be a more diabolical wife than he is? You know what I'm saying to you? Right? Anyway, I'm the law that together
So anyway, I went to the home, scupper a chat with them.
Then I said to her, I realized then her negative experiences, the trauma of the past, the lack of mother's love, and all of that had a profound impact on his psyche, on a values and attitude.
I said this needs to be the least.
So what I did
let us say she was sitting
in any of these chairs, right? So I asked her husband to sit opposite her and face
hold her hand. And I said to her, I want you to imagine that your husband is your mother.
What you like to tell your mother but in real life, you're not tell her out of respect. She said what I said, I'm not gonna tell you what to say you just speak
what's in your heart.
I was praying it works.
And she started off
after a few minutes.
There was like a flood of tears like a tsunami hit this place.
She started off by saying was effec
ma ma ma.
Allah gave me such a beautiful child Ma. Such a loving child ma but I do not know how to show him love Ma. Because you never showed me love my daddy never showed me love ma In fact, my you left me ma why ma? Why? Why should this child suffer? Why should this child suffer?
She was crying.
And the husband was getting also a bit emotional. said yeah, Allah.
So Allah, Allah gave me such a wonderful husband, so caring and compassionate. But I do not know how to shame love Ma.
I'm so blessed to have him. But what's the use ma? I cannot because I never saw you and Daddy, loving each other, hugging each other, celebrating each other man. And she was crying and I was crying through Allah's mercy.
And they both got up and they hugged each other.
asked her how do you feel?
This is I have closure now.
As the husband, how do you feel, can now understand my wife.
And with Allah's blessing, that was a tipping point in their marriage.
And it's so happened
unbeknownst to me, they were there the marriage conference in Johannesburg.
So as I'm giving the talk
with Alice blessing, my head turn and I saw her brother
and I did not want him to know about what happened. So I lied.
I said, you know, she, this lady I saw she had four brothers just and after the conference, she sent me a message she says, I knew you were talking about me. If my story can inspire others, why not?
So what is it all about? is understanding. Essentially,
I see intimacy
is a kind of closeness.
A kind of security
way you not only bear all
physically, but also emotionally
where you feel secure enough
to be your true self.
You feel secure enough to be your spontaneous self.
To someone who loves you, and looks at you with non judgmental, judgmental eyes.
I see that affinity
what else is important?
Let us talk about this.
And I say this to people.
The home should be the happiest place a bastion, a place of comfort of circle of Sakina you go there knowing two things.
That you going home to someone that you love
that you feel secure enough, someone not only that you love someone that also loves you.
I say to everyone, I do not mind. If the whole world stops talking to me.
But if I go home, when I do go home, I jokingly say in Allah bless my beloved wife, you know, I'm not
I travel quite a bit and Allah blesses
me some people tell me you know, Idris, you spend more time away from home I said, Well, my wife always wanted an outstanding husband so standing outside
so anyway, is a beautiful thing. And I say, I do not mind the world. Stop talking to me. But I want to come to a place someone that I can hug
and tell her
my darling, I love you. I missed you. I had a tough day today.
That's all I need to say.
A hug. Silence though it is. It is eloquent enough to say
I am here for you.
I love you.
now you see
I'm writing a book in shala is called a be sold aloud you are seldom the romantic prophet.
So do you want to see
now how can we do this?
Let's look at it. Let's look at the first aspect.
The critical thing the basis of everything is this when you go home when you do go home look at each other with the eyes of love.
Hey, look at each other with the eye of love.
Try it out
I promise you will be looking differently
and you will be looked at differently
listen with empathy
now point down to make before I forget intimacy is not only when you are with her alone or with the husband intimacy is what you're also doing outside the home
what kind of psychological preparation are you making? Do you come back with your mind so collected about the world then the people that you supposed to love the most get the nice part of your love
they get a tide Idris
a Idris was mine is wrecked by the world
she gets the brunt
of my anger
she gets the brunt of my negative emotions.
You know what I'm saying?
is a very important thing.
Very very important thing
is separation. So when you come home
it is those things is also
going to shock?
Me is he listening outside?
Is he okay? Moga may say for
you know what I'm saying? Right? The critical thing is that you need to understand
you need to understand that. So when you come home, you should start having conversations
where it is not only you as the man
but the woman she participates she initiates it. She can also initiate the physical aspect of love.
You understand? We have a discussion. We talk about what is it that makes you happy?
What is it that gives you fulfillment? What is it right that
Generally uplift your spirit.
And remember this, once you do this consciously and with intentionality, there'll come a time in your marital life
that your silence is as much is as loud as your eloquence
you should talk about it.
Now there is another dimension to all of this
generally speaking, women are nurturing
they're more feeling bees, right? Men are somewhat different.
By does not mean we do not have the capacity to be feeling and loving. You know, one day, we are doing a workshop. And we had about 40 couples.
We had 40 couples. And what happened
we put this sisters together in five groups of eight each.
And the men five groups of eight each. And ask them this question. Tell me 10 things that will make you happy at home.
You will not believe this.
None of the points raised by the brothers was repeated by the sister.
The main way say when I come home, I don't care for the kids. The homework was you finish the food must be ready. You know the kind of story right finished Metro feck whether the woman saying I hope my husband comes with a flower, a chocolate and is nurturing right? gives me a massage, you know those kinds of things? Right there speaking that language century, right. Now you got to understand this is it and you learn
on For example, some of the differences are on average, a woman speaks 25,000 words a day, a man 12 and a half 1000 words.
On average. So when you ask your husband or wherever, I mean, not whoever him
When you ask your husband, right.
How is your day? The often response is Alhamdulillah finish. You can be away for two weeks. How was your trip? Alhamdulillah so people ask the wife How was your husband the trip? Alhamdulillah right now, yet, when they're talking to their friends does the details come? You know, right. Now they say for example, a man will speak 12,004 95 words outside. He's only got five words left for his wife will come home Assalamualaikum if he says darling, he's got three words left, what's for dinner class? And then on the table? He says like a zombie there. You provide the food.
No conversation, right? You ask the wife hours a day, brother. Bite your tongue and listen to her. Don't interrupt her. Now when women are talking and a woman you are Yeah, you can disagree if you wish. It's okay. When women are talking, they don't want a solution from you. for them. It is romantic that my husband is here. He I'm able to let him know how I spent my day. This is so beautiful. Yes sir. No sisters. Hey,
okay, right. Right. So, so what I'm saying that right. The other thing is this woman like details, details. So they like and I remember once I told my wife, I said to a darling he saw a bad accident I say oh finish boy. How did it happen?
He must be drying for us. You said his leg broke which leg broke? So now what Come on said darling I would no accident story report. Woman like the teams. It is not enough for example, to tell your wife. She asked you how was my outfits? Alhamdulillah no say turn around. Oh, my gosh, it looks gorgeous on you. Then you feel okay. Right. So, when you look at intimacy, basically
when you are with your spouse in the marital life. You give 100% of yourself to her and vice versa. You are present 100% emotionally, physically and spiritually. And it is in this relationship that you have. You are reminded also of your mortality. You're reminded of
serve your Islamic responsibility. way as couples, you remind each other about these things.
And when intimacy is also about the fact that they are no secrets between spouses.
They are no secrets between spouses.
What your spouse knows from you, no one else or to know.
there must not be any trust issues.
Now, I want to say this to you. It's very, very important, we need to talk about it, we need to talk about when, for example, there is infidelity,
how it impacts on the relationship, but how should you go about dealing with it?
So when it comes to this, it is very, very critical. Very, very critical that
the basis of it all, is this because one of the complaints of many spouses is the fact that my spouse does not communicate,
doesn't speak anything. So I got to second guess, if he's happy or he said, I have no idea.
And very importantly,
in a happy marriage, with these intimacy in its widest ramification, the couples grow together spiritually also.
They grow together emotionally.
Now, this is a point to see. The point is this.
The most effective antidote, the most effective antidote
to marital issues? Is what? Tell me. What do you think is the most effective antidote?
over time? What's the most effective antidote?
What is an effective antidote?
There are two.
Besides taqwa, I'm not talking about those things that all of us speak about
is that each one of you must have a healthy self esteem.
Number one, and secondly, both of you must have a high emotional quotient.
In fact, the psychologists today speak so much about emotional quotient and our Nabi sallallahu. wasallam was the finest exponent of the EQ.
self esteem is essentially recognizing that you are a unique creation of Allah.
And that the other person is not definitely better than you but is different from you.
People with high self esteem
are individuals who have some of these qualities they are humble. They have a generosity of heart, they feel good for other people. They are able to adapt to change. They're not suspicious.
Right? They do not overreact to situations. They are independent, also interdependent.
They listen with empathy, they feel your pain, right? They are decisive.
If you've got low self esteem, you are insecure. You are in, you're suspicious. You have a victim mentality. You blame everyone else for your environment, you'll not take responsibility, and you will succumb to negative peer pressure.
Very quickly. Now let's discuss a little more detail. The emotional aspect, the more EQ. What is EQ what's emotional quotient?
What is emotional quotient.
Self Awareness. Yes.
social awareness. Yes.
Management. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm vanilla. You're right. Yeah, I'll give you full marks.
Emotional intelligence is essentially being smart about your emotions.
We are sometimes glad sometimes we are sad, sometimes you're mad.
But it's how you deal with these emotions. Now you fine. Hello, I like it. You'll find
that when you become self aware, listen to this. When you become self aware, when you're speaking this say to your wife, a a breeze, your tone is a bit harsh. Please get down.
You learn to self regulate it
you'll never get from a person with a high EQ, tolerance of anger. No.
He becomes a socially aware he also would see the impact of his words. If his wife's body language suddenly changed when she said something, he knows it is dangerous.
And part of EQ is your ability to adapt part of EQ is to have a positive outlook in life. And when you put a high EQ you do not suffer for what you call emotional meltdowns. You don't go through an experience with your spouse and say you're married you
even your mother told me I'm stupid to marry you.
But what you do you're able to be happy in your marriage isolate the issue
and in fact what happens to you You're a get up and go person you go through a situation but you're not over yet.
You understand you go through a city but you're not over here and is something we need to learn
you know if I do get angry that's a rare thing.
And how would I express my anger if it is towards my darling wife? I love you Dolly my sushi Baba Lena.
Our teller darling I'm angry
I didn't have to scream my anger
she knows me She knows I'm angry in a serum CQ right. Because remember this
you know, I heard this before and
and not only share this
now vCenter loudly was seldom said words to this effect that you must keep your relationships moist.
Look at it.
Moist, moist requires much more nurturing, isn't it?
Hey, look at it,
understand the import of your words.
So, we need to develop that inshallah.
And the last thing I want to speak about here is a following. But before I speak about this last point about infidelity, I want to say this to you.
You know exactly right, you know exactly.
you are intimate in the broadest sense and the comprehensive understanding of intimacy.
Some people have only
a one or uni dimensional view of intimacy.
Others have a broad picture, a complete picture.
I get to come across
whose wife is passed away before Him
who has no regrets.
Statistically, statistically, women outlive us.
But if the woman has to die before her husband, in many cases, the husband follows soon after that many cases.
Example, my beloved father, my father was a very public figure May Allah grant all our parents eyes status in general
streetwise involved in producing plays
did all of that.
My mother was a salt of the earth. Very emotional person.
When I used to visit her when I was in Durban, she see me She cries, when I still leave she cry. One day she'd not cries a mummy you forgot to cry, she cried immediately.
She would go for a wedding. She sees the girl's mother crying, she would cry. She sees next door, the boy's mother's. You know, it's my, that was my mother.
So my mother passed away before my Father.
And I'm not forget this incident.
Is there my dad?
I said to my father,
you and I did not know. Allah gave us an angel.
They say we know not the depth of our love, except at the hour of party.
What were my father's words?
He said my beloved Son, put his put his head down. What can I do? I cannot turn back the clock.
And the day my mother died. That's the day my father died spiritually. And soon afterwards, he passed away.
When I should tell him daddy we all year he says I know my sons. You're my wealth. But your mommy is not here.
It is the most critical relationship in your life.
The marital life is the most critical, fundamental relationship in your life.
Nothing can be more hypocritical than neglecting this sooner or not giving this marital life that dignity deserves but being celebrated outside where everyone else
So we need to reprioritize our lives.
Right? And also the time of Nabil Silva Lowery was seldom people. So openly, Assamese is also asking me questions about intimacy, they should ask him how the Mervyn Cotta. Right and they were concerned. They were concerned about the perspective of the sisters, you understand. And we find this, the lack of intimacy is becoming one of the biggest causes of divorces in the community.
It's a huge thing, a huge thing the woman have right over you, you have right over them.
And something that we need to understand, understand, that intimacy goes far beyond
far beyond the act itself. It's about your emotional connection to the individual. It's also your spiritual reality around it is a fundamental thing that we need to understand. As I said, Nothing can be more beautiful than a happy home. If you have got a happy home, you amongst the 10% of the world.
I have concluded that every home should have a counselor. So bad things.
Right. So every home now I want to just say this to you.
That we as individuals,
under you need to understand the power of words, and the time when you need to be silent.
It's about being caring, forgiving, and loving. Being expressive about your love saying those things, even Abby said allowed us seldom have nicknames for his wives. How beautiful is their relationship? Hey, they want incident. How beautiful is this? When Bibi Aisha may Allah
be pleased with her.
She was saying there was one
evening she was sick. She was lying down close to Nabi sallallahu wasallam and she said was the fact that I was enjoying my closeness to the Prophet Sal allow yourself now.
Then he turned to me gently. He said to me, do you mind if I get up and read my chiamo lay?
What was her response?
As much as I love my closeness to you, I love what you love.
Right? The gentility of the conversation
What if? What if there is infidelity? infidelity has become today?
So rife? It's unbelievable.
really unbelievable. People come to me sometimes and tell me, brother, I want to talk to you. And you might get a shock. I said, try me nothing shocks me. So bad it is.
I really believe that when you bring couples together when there's infidelity, I don't believe in putting a less plastic
masking the wound and killing the woman or the husband, be patient makes over No.
We need to look at the underlying reasons. And when the couples do come back, that relationship must go to another level
in every aspect, in Sharla,
there was one study that was done.
They interviewed a number of women who broke up the marriages because of infidelity, and of course,
the FDA different levels of infidelity. There is also what you call emotional infidelity.
When you connect with others outside your home, emotionally, and you are too exhausted, exhausted emotionally to connect with your spouse, so you only connect with them physically.
So emotional flirtation. So anyway, these women were interviewed
much later, after they separated. They were upset, which I can understand. And 75% of them regretted.
They said while my husband did this,
in the main he was a good person and they reacted had a knee jerk reaction. Right? So
I want to say this to all of you.
You need you and your spouse needs to have a unique conversation once a week. Unique. You have a conversation, yes. But to speak about this aspect of intimacy.
speak about it.
speak about your joy, your pain, speak about it. you rather do a biopsy rather than an autopsy?
In what I'm saying
Jessa qumola assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.