Channel: AbdelRahman Murphy
Allah’s Apostle said, “Whoever can guarantee (the chastity of) what is between his two jaw-bones and what is between his two legs (i.e. his tongue and his private parts), I guarantee Paradise for him.” (Bukhari) What we say is important and it stays with the child. If we are persistent with our positive message it continues to resonate with those around us. Dont lose your cool, you may regret it later. Think before you speak because words matter.
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hamdulillah you're a bit odd I mean salatu salam O Allah emammal MBA with Melissa means Ethan and Mohamed de la vida, he was selling them
early, he was a happy woman at wr whom he is sending email to Medina allama john m, in whom I mean,
on a first and foremost begin my time with you this morning by thanking you.
This is obviously the parenting session, if we had to have a session for college or high school kids, it would have to be at their morning time, which is 1pm. And I want to also apologize on behalf of you know, myself and potentially even the the mistake and organizing, generally speaking, it's better to give the later parts of the session to the more senior trained, knowledgeable
imaams, and leaders and so for me to speak after shekhinah I'm gonna salad is actually I consider it to be a lack of effort on my part. And so I want to apologize to you I'm caught it.
I think it's especially important given the socio political reality that we are in, in the city that we are in, that the message that you just gave us is heard every session and humbled. I think that economics has done a wonderful job in expressing the simple fact that black lives do matter. And a humble I want to thank akena, and the speakers and the organizers for doing such a wonderful job to be it.
Now, as we move on in sha Allah, this is a topic that I'm particularly passionate about. It's something that I'm very sensitive to because of my work with young people. For those of you who don't know, I've served as a as a youth director and a Muslim chaplain. For the past five or six years, I've worked with Muslim youth informally, formally part time, full time for the last decade, and hamdulillah and I would not have it any other way. But with that work with that territory comes a lot of experience comes a lot of stories and unfortunately, a lot of work has to be done. A lot of construction has to happen. We have to build from where we are. Allah subhanho wa Taala in the
Quran. He teaches us something very important about the words that we use with regards to our children, our kids, no matter how old they are, whether they're young toddlers, teenagers, or they've graduated college, getting married, etc. Allah subhanaw taala in the court and in a beautiful derive that all of us know. He teaches us the reciprocal relationship between the impact parents have on their kids, and the kids subsequent understanding of their rub. When Allah subhanaw taala says, Robert Hama Kamara was the rest rabine saphira Now we know in the Arabic language that there are specific meanings and if there's one thing that chef Nomad Mashallah has done, and shehab
the Nasir and other teachers like them, may Allah protect them is that they've really increased our awareness to the subtleties of Quranic language, that there's beautiful hidden meanings in each word. So we know that every word has its unique meaning and we also know that in the Quranic culture, in the Quran and Sunnah of Allah, that when he uses one word for two different things, those things have a relationship. For example, Allah uses the word Rama, which means what?
mercy very good. He also uses it to describe what weather phenomenon, rain.
Right? Allah uses Rachmat to describe the rain. Why? Because rain is the mercy especially if you're a desert Arab, right? And so when we know those two things are connected, we now have a more Subhanallah appreciative understanding of the rain, we don't stand out there and curse the rain when the rest of the Earth is thinking a lot for that rain. Because we understand that rain is Bahama. So in this drop, Allah uses the word actually uses only one word twice. All the other words are unique. He uses the word Rob, twice. Rob it
cannot be any superhero. Oh Allah. Oh, my Rob, have mercy on those two. Who are those two that is being spoken about are the parents. This is the drive the children for the parents were made to hammer home at come out obey any superhero, just like when they nurtured me. Just like when they sustained me when I was young, one of my teachers of Tafseer he said something beautiful about this dry. Listen to this. He said this Darius teaches every reader of the Quran
that whatever relationship a parent has with their child is going to be the relationship that that child has eventually
With their Lord,
rub bit hammock come out Oh, by the way that our children view us is the way that they are going to view maybe not in totality, but for a time their Lord, why? Because we are an authority position over our children, we are caretakers, sustainers, we are responsible for those kids. So if we speak down to the children, if we yell at them, criticize them all the time, then guess what tone they're going to read the Quran with. Allah speaking down to me, he's criticizing me, he's yelling at me all the time. If we speak to them with love, and care and compassion, then they will also see that in their relationship with Allah, this is part of the responsibility of parenthood. This is part of the
responsibility of being a parent. And, you know, when I when I interact with young people, the constant complaint that I get from them is that my parents don't treat me like I'm my own person. My parents don't treat me and they say, like an adult, and that's when I have to correct them. You're not quite an adult, right? Like, yes, I am like, no, you're not like, yeah, I'm like, show me your cell phone bill. They're like, I don't have one. My parents pay for it. Right? Okay, well, why don't we go out to eat? Can you pay for No, I have to ask my dad for money. Okay, so what kind of an adult are you? Right? It's like, where do you live Sesame Street? Like, where's your apartment gonna be?
You know, but the idea is that even if they may not be full fledged adults, they still deserve and really seek their own creative intellectual emotional space, and their own entity of understanding. And it's important that as parents, we give that to them. And the core and in this and the Sierra, especially the Quran, both and the Sierra, they teach us the value of offering opinion and intellectual capital to our children, even if there's no room for it. So upon Allah, we all know the story of Prophet Abraham on a sudden, we all know this, the famous story, the sacrifice that had to be made, that Allah subhanaw taala showed him in his dream that he had to what slaughter his son. So
he takes his son, it's my email. And he actually says to him something beautiful. We know that prophets, by the way, when they get revelation, they have no choice. When Allah tells them to do something, it's not up for debate. They can't say Allah, can we, you know, I have another kid, I'd rather slaughter him, you know, like
that it's there. There's no negotiation for Muslims love bargaining, right? But the prophets didn't bargain when it came to this kind of stuff. When it was why it was done. There's no argument. So he goes to his son, knowing this, that this is there's no argument is set in stone. And he says, fun little math, I thought, ah,
he says, tell me, tell me what you see. God has given me this, this mission, I have to complete this task. But even though there's no choice in the matter, I still value your opinion from God. Mathura Tell me how you feel about this. Because you're my son, and what you feel matters to me.
And this is especially for the fathers because we know we emphasize a lot the importance of mothers I don't have to go on about the importance of mothers because the Prophet Mohammed Salim has done so and my words will never be better than the words of the Prophet Mohammed Al Salaam, we can remind ourselves, obviously, your mother, your mother, your mother, your father, this is the one that we the mothers Mashallah really like, they get it written in calligraphy and hung in the house right? over over the entire house. Like just look at that real quick. Okay. All right, honey, sweetie. Yeah, check that out. Right. But the reality is that in one of the verses and stories in the end,
use if I send them
it, then this is beautiful one of them our facility and was saying this, that when he sees the dream, right in the beginning of the story that we know when he sees the dream, he sees his siblings as what entity,
very good stars. He sees his mother and father as which entities, the sun and the moon.
He didn't say I see all of you as stars. He says my siblings are stars, okay. And stars, especially back in the time of the Arabs in Arabia in this time, but even now we're used as what
GPS direction. Family is an entity of direction to give us guidance on how to go how to move in life. Your siblings might be around your age, but you know what they can help you out with some direction, some guidance on some things. But even more important than the stars are what entities, the sun and the moon and the sun Subhanallah is the thing the biggest star and without the sun, what would the earth be? cold, dead desolate? Would there be life on the earth without the sun?
The sun is the thing that allows us to see everything. by the light of the sun, we are able to see what is here what is there by the existence of relationship with our
fathers were able to see right versus wrong. They're able to guide us from here to there. So fathers please, this message is very important to you. In this conference alone. I've had three, four or five, six people after each session come to me. I have a bad relationship with my dad. Do not leave this weekend having a bad relationship with your kids.
Don't leave this weekend shake up the Nasr said it last night. There's no value and coming to a conference about building community while we raise homes full of apostates. There's no value going out and doing street Dawa and going and introducing people to Islam, speaking at churches and lecturing on what Islam means. While our kids are going to those same churches later on in life. There's no value in that you might think I'm being sensational, but this is the reality that we see. Remember, Allah can tell you that the most practicing active community members in our community the ones who invest the most time at the question unfortunately, are the ones who neglect their children
at home the most even studying tafsir when your kid comes to you and wants to sit with you and talk to you turn no mommycon off right I know it's hard but you can close the video inshallah Tada, right have those conversations you know, look man with somebody and his story in the Quran is so remarkable.
And we find in one simple word usage that look man has, we find in one simple word usage, what kind of relationship he had with his son. And as mothers and fathers we can all benefit from this right? When he speaks to his son and he's not just giving him like a grocery list I need you to go get doll Joel I need you to get gosh Motoki like I need you. He's not like telling him like go and buy these things right? Make sure you get the odd with them often with this and that no, right? He's telling him like life advice. Yeah, boo name, which in Arabic is like the beloved way of saying get me my son. Oh, my dear son, the one that I love so much. Have any of us ever said this in that tone?
Right? And saying Yeah, Jonah Hill, right. Yeah. When you write these that's not equal. Actually. They're not synonyms with Yeah, but believe it or not, I know it's shocking, right? But look at the way he's speaking to him with such endearing, loving language. Why? Because the message is that important.
If we want our young people to grow up with strong Amen, we cannot discount the language we use with them. We cannot discount the way that we talk to them. Allah subhana wa tada has made each and every parent. The initial provider of faith building imagines teachers Schewe, youth directors, youth groups, these are all secondary, Islamic schools. These are all secondary. The first and primary figure of education of suburbia of mentorship. And a faith building in the home of a young person is mom and dad. We cannot discount that we can't run away from it. And as check out the Nasir said in a previous session, the advent of getting other people to teach our kids but on how to pray. Islam,
the advent of that was never seen amongst the time of the companions. It's such a rare thing, such a very big occurrence.
Right. And the unfortunate thing is that we get called the Imams and scholars get called when the situation is a little bit too late. I once had a brother come to me.
And he said, you know, My son is a hypocrite.
My son is in one FF. And I was like, wow, how was how was your Saturday breakfast with him? I must be awkward, you know, like, how do you have breakfast with a hypocrite? And he said he's a hypocrite. I said, Okay, uncle, you know, why don't I understand you're very upset. But why don't you explain to me why you keep calling him a hypocrite. So well, I was reading a Hadith, right? And usually conversations that start with that is pretty bad. Because the person's like I was reading a hadith and now I'm Muslim. I'm the biggest scholar and Hadith of all time, right? Because reading English translation of a hadith said I was reading a hadith the Prophet Mohammed Salim said that the
most difficult prayer, the most difficult prayers, for the hypocrites are which prayers federa. And I shot especially in German congregation, and he said to my son, I tell him every day you should go to Federer and I shot and lo and behold, he doesn't go so one plus one equals two. He's a hypocrite. Right? It's done. Done deal. So I said uncle with all due respect, can I ask you a question? He said, Sure. Go ahead. I said, How old is your son? said 14.
I said uncle, can I ask you Have you always been praying for an usher in the masjid? He goes down he goes when I was younger, I used to listen to like vital signs and like different things you know, Mashallah like I was kind of hip now I got religious Mashallah, you know, I heard
lecture non like reformed? Right? So when did you start bringing the question? He said, when I was 34
said Your son has 20 more years to listen to you.
You don't have the right to call yourself a hypocrite for 20 more years. Why do we hold our kids accountable for things that we ourselves didn't even do when we were their age? Why do we make our kids feel guilty for being teens or for being young people, young adults, when we ourselves were not doing now, don't get me wrong. There are some things that adults were doing at that age that we need to instill in our young people, hard work, motivation, studying these things need to happen. But this can't be the crux of your relationship. You cannot only talk to your kids when it's time to pray, or time to study or time to wake up or time to go to sleep that cannot be the source and the
content of our conversation with our children. The Prophet Muhammad SAW Selim would talk to fought the amount Ile de la Honda, his beloved daughter, he would talk to her about the issues of community when she was a preteen when she was under the age of 13, he would ask her talk to her update her on the issues of community.
He You know, when Xena when Zeno's husband who was a non Muslim at the time in the Battle of better when his daughter zeyneb, had requested that I want my husband to be released. He was so caring and merciful to his his child, that he actually released her husband, even though he was from the opposite side, he fought against them. And later on, he converted became a Muslim.
He gave off a man leave from going to a battle to take care of his sick wife who was the daughter.
Right, this was the Prophet Mohamed Salah, salams management and upbringing of his children.
And I'm telling you, if you find that your engagement with this faith with Islam with knowledge with gaining knowledge, seeking knowledge, becoming more religious, whatever that means, anyways, if you find that your journey on becoming more religious is distancing you from your family, then know that the knowledge you are gaining is a proof against you, not for you on the Day of Judgment. Family should be brought together by knowledge not torn apart.
The Hadees that I remember most now, even as someone who is studying full time, the Heidi that I remember most are the ones that my mother taught me sitting on the couch in our living room when I was seven, eight years old. Why? Because she didn't sit and yell them at me. She sat next to me with her arm around me with her finger on the book as I was reading to her saying good job. I love you. I'm proud of you. These are words of affirmation we have to give I was once at a youth pm in Milwaukee. All right, I was once there and I asked it was a bunch of young brothers. And I want to By the way, give props last night Mashallah we criticize our young brothers a lot. We say that
they're all you know, like their boys. They're not mature. They don't take life seriously. They just want to play Xbox. All of these might be true, right? But last night, I will tell you this we had a session upstairs for only the young men and it packed it was standing room only maybe they maybe they thought in among the con she was left in there or something. But it was standing room only Mashallah. Right? I love No man. I'm just making I'm just making fun, right? But it was packed. These young brothers were there for an hour and a half. tears were shed mostly by me, right? tears were shed laughs were laughs were there, right. And at the end, we all may draw together to to bring
us closer to him. These are the young men of this oma, these are the real young men of this oma, I want to say I'm so proud of them. And I love them so much for the sacrifice they made last night when they could have been anywhere else. The weather is beautiful. We're in a fun part of town. But they were they're learning about their Lord, to be it. These are the young men and the young sisters. The reason why I'm not letting them now is because this is that's normal for them. Right? Like staying studying attending session. That's normal. But we criticize the young men a lot. And I want to say that if we keep criticizing them, then we're gonna keep progressing them back into boys.
Right? But I was at a youth club. And I asked a question to a group of young men.
Right, 13 and up. I said, How many of you can remember the last time that your parents said, I love you?
And all of them raise their hands and I said, How many of you remove the time when they said I love you because you got an A on your last exam and all of them lowered their hands.
Literally when I said how many of you remember this without any academic performance? Your parents just came to you and said, well, law he my son, I love you. You're such a good son. I appreciate you. And no one raised there. This is a roomful of 7080 kids. This is an issue. If the amount of criticism that we're offering to our young people is not
cushioned surrounded by
fortified by love and appreciation that is at least an equal amount, then we are internally destroying the hearts of our young, our young people. We need to show them that we appreciate them. This was the culture of the Prophet Muhammad SAW
that he appreciated young people's struggles. He didn't you know, make them feel less. He went to NSS brother and he buried Yeah, about a madman fall in the lead. Oh, about Mayor What happened to your bird, these young boys bird passes away, and the Prophet Muhammad SAW them goes and consoled him and buries the bird with him. This is the seal of prophethood, taking an hour or two out of his day to talk to a toddler about a pet that died.
This was how he handled young people. Ask yourself when is the last time as an adult, not necessarily a parent, as an adult? When's the last time we've given young people that kind of time, that kind of sensitivity, that kind of love. We say you know my kids, they're not like the kids of the companions. My kids, they yell in the masjid they run and they play this and that do we treat our kids like the companions treated their kids?
One time a Bedouin man came to the Prophet Muhammad SAW sudden them as he kissed Hasson Hussein. He showed his love for them, right? He kissed them. And a Bedouin man came to the Prophet Muhammad SAW Salaam and he said,
You kiss your boys. Your young boys you give them kisses. The Prophet Muhammad wa sallam said yes, of course I love them. And the better one man said, well law he I have 10 sons, not once have I ever kissed them. Right like macho man trying to like show something. The Prophet Muhammad SAW said him I said, How can I help you? If Allah has removed mercy from your heart,
and indicates indication that a person has Rachmat in their heart is if they are able to show love to their children.
If a person is unable, or it's difficult for them to show love, unsolicited love, nothing, nothing that earned the love necessarily, but just unconditional. If a person is unable to show that love, the prophet has taught us now in this ID, that is an indication that Rama is void from that person's heart altogether. He didn't say mercy for your kids. He said how can I help you? If Allah has taken mercy, generally away from you? Allah Subhana Allah protect us say, I mean,
this is a huge issue. And I'm telling you, that the foundation of our community if you want to see it strong, if you want to see it move forward, if you want to see it become better. A community like the Prophet Mohammed will send them one that when he sees us on the Day of Judgment, he will be proud of us. If you want to see that kind of community, that community starts at home. That community starts with healthy, happy, healthy marriages, happy healthy relationships between spouses, kids and their parents. And then eventually it grows into what we know to be a community. We asked Allah Spano, tala to give us Sophia, what are some ways that we can do this? Number one,
for young people as well, because I know there are some young people here. Make sure that right now as soon as I am done giving this lecture, you pull out your phone, and you text your kids, or your parents, words of love, and words of forgiveness, and words of asking for forgiveness, parents to ask your kids for forgiveness, for any mistakes that you may have made. And if you feel like Why should I have to ask them for forgiveness, then you should really should ask them for forgiveness. Because there were times where you said something parents that destroyed your kids self esteem. There were times where you told them things like you're a failure. I'm so upset with you that you
didn't do this. Well, there were times where you said that, and that really hurt them and they're not able to move on. They come to me at conferences with tears in their eyes. My dad said I'm a failure. My mother said that she's so disappointed in me. Ask your kids for forgiveness for those words, kids. Ask your parents for forgiveness. beg them. I'm so sorry for what I've done that disappointed you I'm going to be better. And then add some words of love. Tell your parents that will lie without you. I don't know where I would be in this world. Tell your kids you know Allah subhanaw taala in the Quran. He uses three words for when he gives something or I'll talk eata and
HIPAA. The word he used I don't have enough time to talk about this. The word he uses for children. But I've been I have learned I mean as well as you know with reality now kurata on the word he uses for children is HIPAA. You know what HIPAA means in the Arabic language, a gift. The other two are provisions. HIPAA is a gift. Parents text your kids and say, I'm so happy Allah gifted you in my life. I would never
have asked for any gift better than you being my son or my daughter. And this is the beginning of a relationship that Allah subhanaw taala will be proud of, and that will please the Prophet Muhammad SAW Selim and we will find ourselves Subhana Allah on that day, entering Jenna hand in hand with our families do we want that? Of course one that the ending days of the Prophet Mohammed so sudden them, what were Where did he spend his final days? Did he spend it in the mesh and preaching until he passed away?
He passed away in the lap of his wife. His daughter came in listen to the story. As I conclude, his daughter Fatima came in
and she said she was crying. And he she hugged her father, she embraced him and she was concerned. She knew that he was about to leave. And he whispered something in her ear and she started laughing.
And they asked her, they said, you were crying and then you started laughing. What happened? She said that my father told me that I will be joining him soon in Paradise and I became so overwhelmed. I became so overwhelmed with happiness, that I couldn't hold my laughter I just started laughing even though it means we want to leave this world I just started laughing.
How many of us if we told our kids you're going to spend the rest of eternity with me?
In general, they'd be like no, right?
We want our kids that when those final moments are happening May Allah protect us from from painful endings. May Allah give us hosting hottie mouse I mean, we want when those final moments are happening and we're gathered the inevitable comes we want when the inevitable approaches us. We want to be with our families, and we want to say inshallah, I cannot wait to see everybody reunited in general. We want everyone to spend time with each other agenda spouses, families, kids, parents, grandparents, da da da da Nana Nani everyone, we want them all to be there inshallah. So number one, give kind words number two, forgive and thank often and number three like Ibrahim Ali Salim said,
fun good Amanda. Tara, value the opinion of your children. let them speak. Let them communicate and don't stifle and mute them. Let them be heard. Even if you know that the situation is not going to change for whatever reason. Ask them how they feel. validate their concerns, and give them your ear. Don't just give them your words we asked Allah tala to make us successful. Just knock them off. Hayden will sell them while they can walk beloved pets