Lonely Planet – Companionship – Monster in Laws?

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Sajid Ahmed Umar

Channel: Sajid Ahmed Umar

Episode Notes

In this interactive talk conducted by Sh. Sajid Umar in Melbourne, Australia during 2016; lessons pertaining to issues when getting married and the concept of Rights vs Responsibility in terms of marriage are discussed.

Episode Transcript

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Next up, we have

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to be ready. So there's going to be polling getting your opinion on a couple of things. Very

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modern,

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very young.

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Hello Mr. Padilla.

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canobolas Allah and Ethan salutations be upon the final messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, my dear brothers and sisters in Islam.

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Allahu Akbar, I guess.

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I don't know where they got the marriage from. It looks like this marriage QA thing is a funky kind of program. But nonetheless.

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So they told me they told me that there's some matchmaking going on upstairs.

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Whether you approve of this or not, that's another story.

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But the problem is, I see all the customers.

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So what are the brothers do?

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You better call them and say come down, the sisters are learning.

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So welcome, everybody to today's program. It was nice seeing you all in the in the earlier panels that we have.

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Right now the topic before me

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is a critical one to think about a difficult one to experience. And that is the topic related to why

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it's becoming difficult for

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our youth to get married quickly

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to get married from the outset from the outset, can I have a raise of hands you

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know somebody who is having a difficult time finding arises if you if you know somebody thought about you if you know someone

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Mashallah nearly everybody. Right?

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So marriage to a

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vertical sagittal plane back out.

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It's unfortunate, my dear brothers and sisters

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situation is an unfortunate one.

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Because one we can suppose in 30 minutes, or in 20 minutes, 40 minutes or an hour is a complex problem. Imagine to ask everybody to quiet down

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and pay attention.

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didn't sound like a wedding right now. Because we're talking about people who can't have a wedding. So let's focus, right, when it's a wedding venue. But now right now we are in a process of program of education.

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I always say this to my audience, at one time, in front of

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you put

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your finger

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lock your tongue down

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years with no gigs. But unfortunately, people think more than

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that, how is that possible? to calm down and listen in perhaps we might have some guidance. So I think that the topic is is far more important than something that can be discussed in 30 to 40 minutes.

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Even if we require some guidance, if the topic that requires effort requires change over a period of time before the situation becomes better. In my humble experience, dealing with differences. Right in regarding getting married. I've got that down what I think I've come up with a problem affecting

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our ability to get married, why it's becoming difficult for them to get married now.

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Are they using the program closer? Who's got your mobile phones and participate with me? So take out your mobile phones into presence and put the details up

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on the screen for everybody to get going with the process. That will be great. All right. So there you go. That's your PIN number joining

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zero to 97. quickly before the time runs out.

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All right.

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I

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got rid of the iPhone since the last program

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3500

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All right, I'll wait for 500 for you.

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Come on guys. We need to get to 500.

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Brothers.

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Okay.

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You know how it works, the series of questions will come up as we go as we go throughout the talk, I want to hear what you have to say about. Okay, so put the first question of brother photo.

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Right. The first question is getting married is difficult because it's not a priority and parental upbringing. Do you agree or disagree?

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who agreed and agreed

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to vote?

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Okay.

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It's not so bad to be honest, because it will be a whitewash. But majority of the audience agree that is

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critical to get married, because it's not the objective

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of care parents, when they bring their children can explain what I mean, I think I think this is a problem. I think this is a problem.

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Don't misunderstand me, we're not talking about being interested in getting their children married, we talking about being an objective of parents.

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You get the microphone, when we joined up, our parents have objective objectives related to our education, objectives, our well being

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this concept of marriage, or keep a proactive lookout for their families or their daughters in the process. Already they consider important until the child reaches a certain age maybe 2122 22. You know, what we need to start looking out for this, I think, I think one of the ways that we can assist our youth in the marriage process is the parents take a proactive approach to the topic and include this as part of the therapy process as part of the objective that they have from the house, from the time the child is

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important, rather than putting it in the parent capsule and saying, You know what? No, we won't think about it till they get to 2021 20 to 23 right, because now it becomes too late. Right? So, you have to go through the process of looking and so on and so forth. And this is one of the reasons why it becomes difficult, right? So are you programming has to take a recalibration has to take place, and that's why

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problem is going to need time for the young parents to think about and for the parent to have and this is something to proactively think about we need to consider this

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right, let me not use the word defect.

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So we need to consider this as an issue in terms of our approach when it comes to marriage. And our children need to be something we consider seriously from the time the young a lot of parents move, because of

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because of influence that we make these activities. When I was growing up, these are objective facts. I think, I think long term and the marriage of our daughters instance

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in the process, when we

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are bringing our children so this is what I want to do on this point is the next question. Can we have any questions?

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All right, let's go.

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Quickly, quickly, quick.

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Can I have a handheld mic?

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Marriage is critical

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because

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it priorities Do you agree or disagree?

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You may think are the 27th is too old for me at this point. For me history is long, asking about do you feel that you feel the void actually feels to be an issue that we must all because we prioritize our career or our studies. So what's happening? Oh, much more people disagree. You didn't understand the question.

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So, you know, a lot of times brothers and sisters,

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right.

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A lot of the times when you look at the older men looking at Meriden, you see that they've actually developed themselves in terms of a career, or in terms of the study, they might have done a master's degree, gone on to a PhD, and so on and so forth. So I don't know if the boy is is making an excuse.

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But I'm glad you disagree. But in my humble view, I see this as an excuse that comes up.

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Sometimes,

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I must think I'm a matchmaker. But in travel, you get to help us get married, you

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get married. And when you do the math, you see that apprehension only.

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This is just a humble opinion. I'm, I'm happy to be wrong, and I hope I am wrong. But maybe a brother, we prefer to marry someone who is younger, because of the issue of children and so on and so forth. You know, you think yourself, okay, my wife has a child,

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for example, right? When I was 20, my wife will be

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right. And if I have my last child when she is for example, 14 will be getting married when my wife is sick.

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far right. So this is something that was from the mindset of

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those who will further their careers and

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reprogram them into allowing their sons and daughters to get married while they study. A lot of the times

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that is you setting you're not ready to get married,

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only get married when you get a job when you can buy a house when you get married.

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got ready.

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For some reason,

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themselves into feeling.

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You know, steady is an obstacle towards getting married. So when I got married,

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I was in the

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second semester.

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Another tip that I was spending, I was 23 years old. I had a degree and then I did a Middle Eastern science degree and then I

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was in the second semester.

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I didn't purposely I wanted to get money from my team, but it happens a lot when I was 19. My wife was much younger, it wasn't gonna happen. When I met her, she was of marriageable age.

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So when what you know when they introduced the plates and things progress, one of the things I tell her today that's

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one of the things I give you a parent's credit for is they never once asked me how are you going to prepare our daughter? How are you going to move on from the UK? How are you going to?

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Are you going to get a flat? What are you going to do? How are you going to

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fit into anything? All they did was tell me Let us know when you want to get married and no one's

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gonna say you rescued and how are you going to earn how are you going to pay for yourself?

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And this is the problem society has to do. We must remember my dear brothers and sisters. We could not see a public

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he was an important that marriage is Rena enrich. And we must remember that our Allah is token one as well as a lot of things that your sustenance is handled in the heaven is not handled is handled in the essence. It is allowed to sustain us husband,

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your wife

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we need to develop our our our ability to put hours in a month

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that we have so fast that we say no, you have to get out of this to do that.

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I'm not talking about certain

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No, but I'm saying sometimes we have a situation whereby we have

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to avoid it might be a

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level of maturity. Right?

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students of mine are getting married

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a boy

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from the UK right? All right.

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Tell the parents, good boy good goes up to me.

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And

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you have University

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enough to handle your time you know, you have to study.

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He already has himself a part time job. His parents are willing to support him a little bit.

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Situation presents itself Why not?

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Next year, well, you know what

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time is when

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you go to put things off, because you have pie in the sky kind of problems in your mind, then there is a problem. At the end of the day, you need to understand if I get married a law will put my wife somehow it will come to me because Allah has made me for a while is that he has made me in charge of that.

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And when I when I got married, you know, opportunities that opened up for me.

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translators, I wasn't even looking

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to pay you this much.

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And then, when we had our first child, as soon as

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another job opportunity, and when my second job opportunity, I knew and I always say this to people, when people tell me

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how many months?

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I say well wait for your business. What do you mean? I say, well, your business is going to get more customers. Because

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10 times out of 10 They call me back and

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things are booming here. People tell me I got a promotion at work. People are looking for jobs, they have jobs.

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I'm having a problem getting a job. I think

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that's the time to get married.

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Because

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what is an unacceptable? We need to develop our marriage as parents and open the doors and facilitate the door for our children. So this is the little bit that I wanted to say here. Now. I just got the poverty question. So we want to skip that in. The next thing I want to do is

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we live in the age of the sensor, right?

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So open up Kahoot and it's

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finally coming.

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Australia something

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question number three, question number two.

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No, no, we need to we need to correct and before that.

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We discussed the point.

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Okay, let me just go ahead with this. We'll be running out of time. So

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So basically,

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can you brothers put up my Facebook post?

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Alright, so can you see that brother?

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So this is a Facebook post that I put on my private facebook page one

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two weeks ago. Can you read that?

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memory for you? So I wrote to find good brothers.

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And when you finally find one, he turns out to be

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fussy. Did you guys read those books when your kids

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are growing up? Our children love to read them right now. These books to me when I was a kid and I read them to my children, you guys can relate.

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But when I put up a post on brother's wedding,

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you can see that some people are ha ha ha ha ha ha ha very funny. Some people are seriously and it's never the other way around to the angels. You think the angel they never. They never. They never. They never get

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to see somebody who's really

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somebody who's really upset. Somebody who's really having a hard time getting married. He's hiding somewhere.

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So then I put up a photo or a post

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on social media

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peace of mind.

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So I said, This is especially for my brother so in so we won't mention his name,

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it's hard to find good for many good brothers looking for marriage. And when you finally find one, he turns out to be who

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my dear brothers and sisters, we live in a time

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when we want to approach marriage

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phenomenon, you know, same way we teach on TV,

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TV and there will be so much romance and you know, the noes have to be like this, and the password number

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seven.

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Because

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our paradigms, our mind, our thoughts are being faced by society, by the television that we

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that we teach. And as a result, this is what happens you find the perfect you could find the

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good brother

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knows that you know, you put in a

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truck, you get married.

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The problem that we need

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to be realistic when we can, we must be realistic.

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Going to journey with

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you when

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you got it,

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you got to understand where you going. A lot of us today don't know who we are. If I asked you to depress

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we're talking about marriage.

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If I asked you to describe yourself, in one word, or two words, or three words, people have a problem. They don't know who they are. They a lot of things.

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They cannot make sense of their own life.

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You got to know who you are. And you can only know who you are. When you understand the world you see

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the world you want to see the day you die. And this is the world I want to

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spend my whole life work with. In this world. When you understand that, then you have an idea of who you want to get married.

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And making useless excuses and delaying the inevitable. Does that make sense?

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So sometimes, write to me in the face. Please.

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I'm gonna

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love

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this for you and grant you better than you dream.

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I have a question. What's your question?

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What was the?

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Are you are you telling me to tell you,

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you should know what questions you want

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us to know what the problem is. Nobody knows the quality of the ones in the person we're going to put in the passenger seat of the vehicle because they don't know where they're going. That's the problem. That is the problem.

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The reason why

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and this is another reason why people get

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divorced and the stigma that comes with divorce. I have noticed so many marriages end in the first six months. Because people see marriage as a white dress and the red flowers and the people and the best man etc. etc, etc. And you don't realize managing the day you wake up after the wedding.

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When you wake up and what you see.

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And the marriage doesn't

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make any sense to you. And the whole situation becomes

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important that you as an individual know who you are. And you know who you love. Again, bitingly sounds good. know who you are and you know who you are.

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You know who to put in your bucket. You know who to get to you know what questions to ask. You have.

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You have professional reasons for choosing him or not.

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And when you learn this, then what you could do is get yourself three cards, three cards

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He could get an orange card, I need to get a green card.

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And then you sit down with yourself and write on the red card, all the qualities of the man.

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These are qualities you must have, these are qualities he must have.

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If he doesn't have it, I can't get

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on the orange bar, write down what

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you would really, really like him or her to have in terms of your preferences. However, if he or he doesn't

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stop considering the person altogether, it will make you think of a diva. But he won't throw you off.

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When you're already on your green card, right down the road.

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He wakes up.

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He

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doesn't have any magic, he doesn't have any sort of thing.

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And when you come out of your meetings, you have some sort of clarity in terms of why do you want to do something and why you don't I told you yesterday when we

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said Why is a very powerful, you know why you're marrying someone? Or why you're not marrying someone?

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Because often you marry him or her.

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But why are you marrying him? Why are you marrying her?

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I mean, when when when my wife and I got engaged? He told me people were telling her, he said, Oh, you're gonna leave the city, you're gonna go to Saudi, how is it gonna be? There's no family there.

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The reason why engagements break up. So, you know, why are you doing?

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All right. So these are the reasons

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why we have political beginning.

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But again, don't oversimplify

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recalibrate our paradigm, shift our thinking.

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And let me tell you,

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as much as

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it must be in many Muslim communities,

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I hate

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I hate to say,

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but I want to get it with you.

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Because they have committed to

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living in the age of

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stability that

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you have become slaves of

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when you live in environments that are unstable, you know, the brother takes advantage of why and so on and so forth. I cannot tell you how many counselors because they have been, you know, further taken advantage of them,

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even though they need to take a picture of the brain.

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But the bottom line is, we need to fix the marriage things.

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No problems and no consequences as a result of our progression in the protests. Because the reality is an important matter.

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Even though,

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like the one a lot, and all these important matters. He spends a lot of time teaching us about knowledge

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and how the medical process and how to facilitate the medical process we spend a lot of time doing this, because from the objective of the carrier, from the objective of the teaching of Islam is the protection of lineage.

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That if you fight the retrogression, now you are in the car,

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and you fight the rest of them now,

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in terms of us getting married in the law, why? Because you are

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from the objective of

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protecting. Okay, so that brings me to the end of this particular presentation.

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Give me

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a little bit about my next presentation.

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So that

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you can relax.

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All right, so the last topic that I'm

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Supposed to discuss related to monster in law?

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I normally call them outlaws, but married doing

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so.

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And it's a common question that comes through and then to do with the daughter,

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daughter in law, mother in law relationship. What are the what are the goals? What is the plan?

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What are our rights? Mother in law's asking for her rights?

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Asking for her rights. In the middle of them both you have to meet in the poor boys

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who would like waiting for the Angel of Death to come in?

00:30:41--> 00:30:45

Because it's very difficult for a boy between his wife.

00:30:48--> 00:30:56

But it's even more difficult when you marry a mama's boy. Don't marry me, boy. But I'm telling you when you marry your mother's voice even more difficult because

00:31:04--> 00:31:08

sometimes it leads to divorce, sometimes it leads to the wife

00:31:10--> 00:31:12

permission to get their own apartment move out.

00:31:16--> 00:31:19

topic again with us small piece of advice.

00:31:22--> 00:31:24

R R.

00:31:26--> 00:31:31

R R vs R, one R. R

00:31:32--> 00:31:35

and there's another era of responsibility.

00:31:39--> 00:31:50

We have become a people that are fixated on my rights. What are my rights, everybody's asking for their rights, my rights, my rights, my rights, everybody is talking about

00:31:54--> 00:31:59

our attention to responsibility, we will solve a lot of the problems that exist.

00:32:04--> 00:32:05

Thank

00:32:07--> 00:32:09

you know what it comes down to the opponent.

00:32:10--> 00:32:14

And yes, it doesn't take very compulsory for her

00:32:16--> 00:32:19

husband's parents, it doesn't take compound.

00:32:30--> 00:32:34

In reality, this matter of whether I should look after my

00:32:35--> 00:32:35

parents or not.

00:32:37--> 00:32:37

As

00:32:38--> 00:32:44

a matter of Islamic policies, it's a matter that boils down to the norms of the society that we live.

00:32:46--> 00:32:47

You know,

00:32:48--> 00:32:49

in laws, religion,

00:32:54--> 00:32:58

minimum, right. But you know what, my dear brothers and sisters, right?

00:33:00--> 00:33:11

When things cannot be resolved, that's when we look at the right situation is so bad that nobody is willing to give in. When we look at the right people, only what you know, we can say who's right and who's wrong.

00:33:16--> 00:33:17

And the same judge

00:33:19--> 00:33:25

situations situation a couple of times to me, tells me to arbitrate first to arbitrators not

00:33:27--> 00:33:29

only when I lose

00:33:31--> 00:33:33

arbitration working that I need to know

00:33:34--> 00:33:39

and when I resort to learning now are looking at what is the what are the boundaries that the carrier has.

00:33:40--> 00:33:41

So we only

00:33:43--> 00:33:43

when

00:33:46--> 00:33:48

in reality, we become a

00:33:49--> 00:33:54

platform of responsibility. Because we are a responsibility is

00:33:56--> 00:34:06

the art of the art of rights that exists in the art of responsibility. There was something from the life of the man who was

00:34:07--> 00:34:09

the man who said that I am

00:34:11--> 00:34:11

the one with

00:34:14--> 00:34:15

the fact of

00:34:19--> 00:34:23

the matter the procedure of your loved one. He didn't have a house.

00:34:25--> 00:34:26

The house

00:34:28--> 00:34:29

he lived with.

00:34:32--> 00:34:38

Right? He provided a home. Yes. But was it not responsibility to overlook

00:34:41--> 00:34:43

and they were happy together in the same breath

00:34:50--> 00:34:52

book on history. Other scholars

00:34:53--> 00:34:55

have mentioned in the historical books when he married

00:34:57--> 00:35:00

he has a child called him. He has an

00:35:10--> 00:35:12

Do you have a right? to do anything?

00:35:14--> 00:35:20

At every possibility to do something? Yes, I need to exercise his responsibility

00:35:21--> 00:35:22

as his own child

00:35:23--> 00:35:24

and overlook

00:35:25--> 00:35:27

what makes a

00:35:28--> 00:35:31

marriage when you willingly give up your

00:35:37--> 00:35:37

choice?

00:35:43--> 00:35:47

Did I need to come stay with him? If you wanted to say, you want to do something good.

00:35:48--> 00:35:53

Because Above all, you brought him up when he was young. It wasn't very rich, he had many sons.

00:35:56--> 00:35:58

Let me bring up,

00:36:01--> 00:36:01

bring

00:36:03--> 00:36:06

them as I was, and bring him up, as I was

00:36:08--> 00:36:09

saying, No.

00:36:10--> 00:36:11

This is my right.

00:36:13--> 00:36:15

Now, whenever we go out for dinner,

00:36:16--> 00:36:20

for dinner now, and when we go on holidays, it will be difficult. How long?

00:36:21--> 00:36:21

Are you going? You're

00:36:24--> 00:36:26

properly accepted? I mean, coming from

00:36:27--> 00:36:30

out of responsibility. He treated it as

00:36:33--> 00:36:35

a husband out of responsibility

00:36:37--> 00:36:37

as his own

00:36:38--> 00:36:42

the beauty of a marriage that was the realm of

00:36:46--> 00:36:47

laws or outlaws?

00:36:49--> 00:36:52

outlaw monster, whatever you want to say, it becomes

00:36:53--> 00:36:56

too much stigma associated with it. What we need to do

00:36:58--> 00:36:59

within reason, of course,

00:37:02--> 00:37:03

absolutely not.

00:37:07--> 00:37:13

Are you told you that if you're right, you don't have to attend to your

00:37:15--> 00:37:16

display that knows

00:37:21--> 00:37:24

what the problem was? You don't have to be elaborate.

00:37:26--> 00:37:33

You might have, you might have answered the question. In light of a certain context that existed at the time. Yes.

00:37:34--> 00:37:35

You don't have to be.

00:37:36--> 00:37:41

But you know, what might be your responsibility? What about three out of responsibility?

00:37:50--> 00:37:51

As a responsibility,

00:37:56--> 00:37:59

you will see the love and support

00:38:01--> 00:38:02

hospital

00:38:04--> 00:38:05

and they will do so much to each other.

00:38:25--> 00:38:26

I'll be honest with you, firstly.

00:38:28--> 00:38:30

You know, I love this.

00:38:38--> 00:38:39

He wants to change.

00:38:41--> 00:38:42

So when I'm out in Australia,

00:38:44--> 00:38:50

you know, bringing up my student at home, he doesn't feel neglected because that old is gone. And I'm here alongside him.

00:38:52--> 00:38:55

Because he wants to see that he dies. I'm hoping

00:39:13--> 00:39:17

tomorrow after my talk, I'm leaving, I won't be able to keep the end of the concert.

00:39:23--> 00:39:23

But

00:39:29--> 00:39:31

I'm looking at it from a different angle.

00:39:33--> 00:39:39

I know personally, I know my wife would. He would go through some turbulence. It might be six months, nine months a year.

00:39:42--> 00:39:45

For me out of responsibilities. I don't want to put

00:39:48--> 00:39:49

out of responsibility.

00:39:52--> 00:39:54

Out of responsibility. Let me share with us a little bit

00:39:57--> 00:39:59

of the personal things.

00:40:00--> 00:40:02

You know, somebody told me better even if an excuse

00:40:03--> 00:40:05

for somebody to get

00:40:11--> 00:40:15

a divorce, because, you know, human nature,

00:40:20--> 00:40:21

I don't want to put a

00:40:24--> 00:40:24

responsibility.

00:40:27--> 00:40:33

So, you know, to bring it back to Monster, you know, and all the kinds of things, students end up becoming,

00:40:35--> 00:40:42

didn't end up becoming a monster situation. Everything can be resolved, managed, you thought about my way or the highway.

00:40:44--> 00:40:55

And if everybody took a step back, and recognize that you know what the person in front of my enemy is my wife, and the other person on the other side, and the presence of my enemies, my husband,

00:40:59--> 00:40:59

my

00:41:01--> 00:41:04

husband, we can all make the world a better place.

00:41:15--> 00:41:16

So at the end, I asked,

00:41:19--> 00:41:20

all those who are married,

00:41:22--> 00:41:23

all those who are married,

00:41:25--> 00:41:27

that will continuously grow.

00:41:30--> 00:41:40

You know, when we spoke about marriage of a lifetime, the marriage of a lifetime is one, that when your husband passes away, when your husband passes away,

00:41:45--> 00:41:47

and unites them together.

00:41:49--> 00:41:53

The husband spends a lifetime listening and wanting to be united with

00:41:54--> 00:41:55

the marriage.

00:41:57--> 00:42:00

Because very later on, even though he was blessed with

00:42:03--> 00:42:17

the progress that he was sending, when he was the voice of the Friends of Khadija, you would immediately go into that situation in France and talk about Khadija and I internationally as a woman he told me about her, he was the old

00:42:18--> 00:42:19

lady about giving something better.

00:42:22--> 00:42:28

He was stupid. He supported me when no one did, and so on and so forth. The marriage

00:42:35--> 00:42:36

responsibilities in

00:42:38--> 00:42:38

America

00:42:43--> 00:42:47

if you're married sooner, rather than later, and your

00:42:48--> 00:42:54

children's understanding in law, means indoors and outdoors.

00:42:56--> 00:42:57

Including myself asked

00:42:58--> 00:43:01

to protect our family from all harm, protect our wives,

00:43:03--> 00:43:04

protects our children and

00:43:08--> 00:43:11

our patients and to reward

00:43:14--> 00:43:16

the husbands that go out and

00:43:18--> 00:43:20

call the people who kind of

00:43:23--> 00:43:25

hidden everybody. I'll see you tomorrow for my afternoon.

00:43:27--> 00:43:28

I love you to pick up