Navaid Aziz – Prophetic Listening – How It Can Transform The World Within Us And Around Us #4

Navaid Aziz
AI: Summary © The speakers emphasize the importance of frequent, broad, and deep communication in achieving effective relationships with people, as well as trust and caution in establishing relationships. They stress the need for diverse conversations and strong relationships, as well as showing friendships and language when communicating with others. The speakers also emphasize the importance of humility and self respecting, teaching others about their rights, and bringing others together in society.
AI: Transcript ©
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Bismillah al Rahman al Rahim

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Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa sallahu wa sallim wa barik ala Nabina Muhammad wa ala alihi wa sahbihi Germaine Allahumma de Medina in Loma Linda eliminare million Pharaoh no one found that being lumped in I was in my yo Karim Allahu Allah azza wa jal to Salah wanted to Jalan Krishna name is Asha Salah

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My dear brothers and sisters as Salaam Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh.

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And today's halacha Inshallah, we'll be speaking about communication. And this chapter focuses on so that we can figure out where the breakdowns of communication and misunderstandings come from our lives. So the relationships that we have in our lives and the people that we try to communicate with, why does communication break down? Why do misunderstandings take place? That's what we're trying to figure out to be in LA Tyler. So the first thing we're going to look at is, what are the different models of communication that are out there. So in 1949, there was a gentleman by the name of Claude Shannon, he came up with the Shannon, the model of communication, and that was the

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earliest and most widely accepted model of communication. And it's really funny, because you would think communication is like a social component, like it is something you do socially. But his approach was very, very mathematical. It's actually called a Miedema, Mathematical Theory of Communication. So he breaks it down into six components. He says that there's a source, there's a transmitter, a channel, a receiver, and a destination. And all later models of communication were actually built upon this. So it was basically talking about how do we, you know, send communication from Canada to like Germany in like the 1940s. Think that's what they're pretty much trying to

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figure out, right? So they took that model, and socially engineered it psychologically engineered it, to talk about how do we communicate as human beings. So when you break it down, there has to be an information source? So whatever you're trying to communicate, where is that information actually coming from? So that will be coming from our heart, from our mind and from our heart, then there'll be the transmitter that encodes the message into a form capable of being sent. So when you want to send something, what is the language of communication that you're going to be using? Right? Are you going to be using Morse code? Are you going to be using spoken word? What are you going to be using

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as a form of communication? Then the channel of communication? Are you going to be having a conversation? Are you going to be writing a letter? Are you going to be sending a text message are you going to be sending an email, and then the fourth one, and perhaps this is the most important one to focus on. But what is all the noise that is going to take place? So from an electronic perspective, as they were sending electronic messages one another, the further the distance between the sender and the receiver, the more noise took place, right? And this could be white noise, this could be interfering noise, it could be a variety of different things. But from a social and

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psychological standpoint, what is the noise going to be? What do you guys think? When we communicate one another? What is the interference that perhaps takes place in our communication? When we talk to one another? Go ahead.

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In context, or wording, for example.

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Great, great.

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Good day, and then we can go down to the OB at a decent and okay. So as you can see, the foundation was great by change from okay to decent control, even though the detention that we showed you can be broken down into something. Excellent. So we could be talking about vocabulary and your interpretation of that vocabulary. And what those words mean. So someone says, I had an amazing day, and the person has a good day. And they're using them. That's them. synonymously, even though in the English language are not synonymous at all, so that could be one level of noise. What could be another level of noise?

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Excellent. So what's going through your mind? And we can make this even broader? What is happening in your life at that time? Right? What is your current situation at that time? Right, someone calls me up, and they want to talk about, you know, what's happening in the sports world. And I'm trying to resolve like a marriage crisis in the office right now. My mind is focused on that marriage crisis in the office, not on what's happening in sports right now. Right? So you're trying to engage with me on sports, my mind is not in the right place, based on the circumstances situation that I'm in. What else could be affecting the way that we communicate? Go ahead.

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Going through

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Of course, of course, emotional stuff, right, someone passes away, you're not in the mood to talk about anything at that time. Other than, you know, the catastrophe that you're facing, attend the experiences that you faced in life, right. So this could be not present, but in the past, right, something that you've experienced in the life that hinders the way that you communicate, that hinders the way you process information, right, all of those things can have an impact. So when we're talking about no

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All these can be different aspects of noise, then we have the receiver, the one that decodes the message. So for our discussion, it's our mind that is going to decode the message and interpret, you know, the language that is being used. And then you have the destination. Where is this message meant to be received, isn't meant to be received in the heart where you're just meant to process and let it percolate? Or is it meant to be something that goes to the body and you're meant to act on right away? So the they took this very scientific model of communication, and basically psychologize it and made it into a means of communication between individuals. Now, if you were to simplify this,

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let's jump to

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Dina Rossi, one of the great Mufasa Iran and you know, it's

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he has it there, see it, I'll put it that way. But there's just a funny quote by mamma Dhabi. And this could turn into polemics. But remember the heavier Rahim Allah he says about his there see it in it is everything except for tafsir. There is a more of a slide that remember that'd be Rahim Allah took the steps here, but all that to say it is a difficile that is world recognized and world renowned. And Allah subhanho wa taala, reward him for the good and forgive him for any mistakes and forgive us all for any of our mistakes along the way. I mean,

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so he was talking about reseller he's talking about prophethood from the Prophet sallallahu. And he was set up, I want you to logically break it down for me, the four components in prophethood. What are the four components in prophethood? With regards to remember, we're talking about communication? So what are the four components? Let's give this a shot. Let's go to the sisters this time. Think about prophethood so thinking about a message think about a receiver think about a sender break those down for me what would they look like?

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I'm going to stay quiet because I want the sisters to respond.

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Go ahead

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I sent the perfect

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No, no, no, no, no, you're jumping the gun. No, the messenger is not the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.

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Okay, so you've broken it down. Now you've given the answers to everything. So the source is Allah subhanho wa taala. The message is the Quran. The channel is Jibreel alayhi salam, and the receiver is Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam the receiver is Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. So I want you to think about, you know, a fuckload, Dino Rossi, seventh eighth century of Islam. And then 1949, right, look at the disparity of our scholars that, you know are often accused of being illiterate and not knowing anything other than, you know, the Islam, even if that they're able to break down human communication in its simplest form, that you have a sender or receiver, you have a

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channel and you have a message. And that's how prophethood was broken down by Dino Rossi. Now, why are we breaking down

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communication to its most basic levels. If you ever look at it, and you have a problem with your computer, whenever you have a problem, they're going to try to troubleshoot the problem. And they'll try to reverse engineer it often, right? They like to try restarting your computer, try restarting your iPad, see what happens then, and they try to troubleshoot what the problem is. So when you can break down the different components that you're trying to analyze, and you're trying to find a problem, the more specific you get, the more likely you are to find a solution for the problem, the more general and vague and ambiguous you make it, the more difficult it becomes to find the problem.

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So now when you're troubleshooting communication, where is the problem going to be? Is it going to be with the sender? Is it with the decoder is it with the channel? Is it the interference and the noise? Is it the message? Is it the receiver? Is it the process of receiving the message right? You want to break down where the troubleshooting is taking place. And you have to understand that as human beings we all have the faculties of listening, we all have the faculties of processing. But what differentiates us is our experiences. What differentiates us is our ability to control internal and external noise. What differentiates us is going to be even the methods of communication that we

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are exposed to. So Allah subhanaw taala in Surah two room no sorry. So look, man, Allah subhanaw taala. He speaks about Abdullah bin obey even solo the head of the hypocrites. He says about him. And when our signs are recited unto him, he turns away arrogantly as if he did not hear Him as if there was deafness in his ears. So Allah subhanaw taala created him as someone that was able to hear, but he acts and pretends as if he is not able to hear. So now here we're getting into an example of what does know

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Always look like on the inside. So when the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam came into Medina, he was automatically appointed the leader of Medina. And the Prophet SAW Allah who I knew was cinema go to Abdullah bin obey even saloon, the leader of the hypocrites, and he would be nice to him he would be kind to him, he would give him gifts he would be generous to him. Yet every time the Prophet salallahu alayhi salam would interact with him. Abdullah would be very rude and he would turn away from him and speak foul words about the Prophet sallallahu ala he was sent out. So what is the internal noise that's happening with Abdullah bin Obi even solo eventually you realize

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what possibly led him down the red the the path of hypocrisy is that before the coming of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam Abdullah bin obey Him in Zulu was meant to be the chief of Medina, he was meant to be the leader of Medina. So all of a sudden, this man comes from Africa, and is claimed his position that was meant to be his, you can imagine he's working hard to build relationships to help people out to win their hearts in their mind. And then all of a sudden this person comes and takes the position altogether. And because of that internal noise, and this is just a hypothesis.

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At the end of the day, guidance is in the hands of Allah subhanaw taala guides, whoever free wills, where we can make a hypothesis as to what was the catalyst that caused his deviation that caused his heart to be sealed from receiving the message of Islam, even though he interacted with the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam and heard revelation in its purest form, his heart was covered with jealousy. It was covered with anger, it was covered with envy. Right? It was covered with basically we're going to come to talk about the bliss with narcissism, right? Like that should have been me. How did it end up with Muhammad? sallallahu alayhi wasallam. Right. So that's an example of the

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inner noise that takes place. That's an example of the inner noise that takes place.

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So now the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam, he teaches us the importance of speaking people speaking to people at their level, and I'll share a mistake very early on in Dawa, that I had so I was a first year law student my first year after Medina. I came back after having studied to Montreal, and I got a job teaching at the Saturday school. So they gave me a curriculum, they're like you got to deal with the fear of the last you know, four Surah of the Quran along with your Fatiha I was like No problem. So I grabbed even even Tamia steps here of zero teleclass and have these young kids six seven year olds in front of me and I was like this girl or she called Islamic law. Tamia Rahim,

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Allah, and you know, we started, like, no joke, a minute into the class. Kids are like playing and goofing around there dozing off, they're running away from my class. And I'm like, man, what's going on. And I remember the brother, that was my supervisor at that time for Han. He came to me after the class, and he's like, no way you can teach the class like this, like what you're teaching, even adults might struggle, you know, understanding, you have to imagine that these are the most simplest of people, the you have to use the most basic and simple languages, you have to make it animated, you have to make it very engaging. And I'm like, Yeah, but that's not what knowledge is meant to be.

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Right? Knowledge is meant to be sophisticated knowledge is meant to, you know, intellectually enlighten you. And eventually you realize, if you come with that approach the knowledge very, very few people will comprehend, appreciate, and, you know, implement what you're what you're trying to teach. And that was such a humbling experience Subhanallah, that when you look when the Prophet salallahu Alaihe, Salam says, Speak to people, according to their level of understanding, this is not diminishing knowledge. This is you making yourself available to people at their level. And that's where true talent is. Right? Anyone can speak to people at their level, because no effort is

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required. But try speaking to people that are level linguistically, intellectually, academically lower than you trying to simplify that knowledge. That's where the challenge is going to be trying to speak to someone intellectually more advanced than you, that is where the challenge is going to be speaking to people at their level, and there's also common component of treating people at their level are all people meant to be treated the same. And this is where, you know, sometimes people will make mistakes in the way that they interpret Islam. And what we mean by that is, all people are not meant to be treated the same. So the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and you know, it's a

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beautiful quote from Sheikh Mohammed Salah had managed it. He says, people have authority and those who held position of influence, were dealt with a distinguished way by the prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he honored their position and would not bring them down, you honor their position and would not bring them down. So if you look at Abu Sufyan Radi Allahu Taala and who

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He accepts Islam. Just around the time of the firsthealth Maka, Abu Sufyan was from the leaders of Kadesh Abbas the uncle of the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam, he comes to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and he says era Salah Abu Sufyan is an individual that loves to be honored. Can you do something for him so that he retains this level of honor and dignity? Who remembers what the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam did for Abu Sophia? Not you. I know you know what, mashallah does that? What did the person do for Sophia? Let's go back into the Ceylon to the photo of Makkah. What did the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam do for Sofia?

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Go ahead.

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jackal. Okay, perfect. That's what we needed. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa salam gave Sophia, a fake privilege, which is he said that whoever enters into the house of Abu Sufyan will be safe. Why am I saying that? This is a fake privilege. Because the Prophet sallallahu you're gonna say something? What were you gonna say?

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They could have had in their own houses as well. But even further than that, the prophets of Allah Himself had no intention of spilling blood in Makkah. Right. So there was no real threat in the first place. So when they promised that Selim says that whoever enters into the house of Sofia and the Allahu taala, and who will be safe, yes, it can be interpreted as an act of you know, prestige for Abu Sofia and that it is his house that will be safe. But in reality, there was no threat to begin with. But because the seller wanted to make him feel special wanted to make him feel special. So the problem is untreated Abu Sufian, in that matter, and this is a similar case, with all the

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dignitaries that came to the Prophet sallallahu sallam, he showed them an extra level of respect, an extra level of honor to treat people to their level as well.

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So now Allah subhanaw taala. He tells us in Surah facility in verse number 44, say for those who have faith, it is guidance and healing. But as for those who do not believe there is a deafness in their ears, and it becomes a blindness upon them.

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They are people being called from a distant place, even Ibis or the Allahu Taala in Houma. He explains the aspect of distance by saying, Whoever is called from a distant place, doesn't hear the call. And if they do hear the call, they can't understand what is being said to them what is being said to them. So when Allah subhanaw taala is speaking about distance over here. Is it a physical distance, or is it a spiritual distance, it's a spiritual distance. And how we know this is that even on the Day of Judgment, the hadith of Jabara Allahu Tada and who and Abdullah bin are nice. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam says that people will be raised on the Day of Judgment, not

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wearing any clothes under they will be bare feet. And the one that is for will hear Allah subhanaw taala, just like the one that is near, meaning that sound on that day will not have the restrictions that are, you know, found in the life of this world, where if I speak right here, in a low voice, the only ones that can hear me are within the close circle, like no one outside of this building, even when the microphone can hear me because the sound is closed off. But on the day of judgment, that concept will not be there. And similarly, when it comes to guidance, the words of Allah subhanaw taala, we all hear the words of Allah subhanho wa taala. And the matter of distance is not

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about being physically distinct, it is about being spiritually distant. So they are far away from Allah subhanaw taala with regards to their intentions, with regards to you know, they're searching for Allah, with regards to them wanting to be better people with our with regards to them being wanting to be better people. So now, he goes on to talk about three important concepts that are needed

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for effective communication, and for relationships to strengthen effective communication and strengthen relationships. If you don't memorize anything from today's halacha accept these three concepts, inshallah will be a big achievement. He said, You need deep, frequent, broad communication, deep, frequent, broad communication. Let's break these down. So deep meaning it's not surface level, it's not just about hey, how's your day? Hey, how's the weather? Hey, what's going on in sports? These are very shallow conversations that have, you know, no depth to them, no challenge to them. No emotional, you know, vulnerability that is presented. Like there's no difficulty in

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having those conversations, right. So the risk level is very, very low. Frequent. So you meet someone at the grocery store while they're in line. The likelihood of you meeting them again, is not very often right

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You may meet them once a month, a couple of times a year at most, but usually you meet them once and you never meet them again. Now, let's bring it down to the masjid. You come to the masjid for Salah. Every time you come to Salah more than likely you will run into the same people. Right? So it's more frequent communication, but it's still not regular, it's still not regular. Whereas when you come home, inshallah your family is always there these are people that will you regularly interact with? So it has to be frequent communication, and then broad communication. Can you guys take an attempt as to what broad communication means? What is broad communication mean?

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Go ahead.

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Asante, it's about talking about different topics. It's not just, you know, a few topics that are there. There's not just going to be about what's happening in my life. It's not just going to be about what's happening in your life. But it's going to be a intellectual academic discussion, sometimes, hey, I read this book, this is what it said, Oh, I was reading the Quran today. And I had this reflection on this verse. Oh, I was reading, you know, a chapter from the Sierra today. And this is you know, what I came up with analyzing the the seal of the prophets Isola that could be one attempt to it, I saw something today okay, let us discuss what we saw. Right? So you have a broad

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variety of discussion. And these are the three key components that are needed in the communication to strengthen relationships, you need a deep, frequent, broad communication. Now, can you apply this to your relationship with Allah subhanho wa taala? Can you apply this to your relationship with Allah subhanho? wa taala?

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What do you guys think?

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You would say yes. Who says yes, raise your hands, you can apply this to your relationship with Allah subhanaw taala.

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Can you apply deep broad frequent conversation to Allah? subhanaw taala? Okay, those that said yes. How many say no, raise your hand if you say no, you can't apply this to Allah subhanaw taala?

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Do we have a hand here? No, no hands, you want you want, you have your hands up twice, zero inevitably, you can either be right or wrong. Great.

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Now let's look at that, where we're going to explore that to be in Allah hint Allah. So, before we get to answering that question, let us look at how relationships are developed with regards to frequency.

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And quantity of communication frequency or quantity of communication is a good indicator of intimacy. But when a relationship is stabilized at a particular level of intimacy, the quality of communication not quantity, is more likely to be the measure of intimacy. So meaning that when you look at the depth of the topic, and you look at the frequency of the topic, in initial relationships, that's what's going to be needed, that's what's going to be needed. But as the relationship is developed, and it stabilizes, meaning it's not at a level where you feel you need to get deeper, in order to sustain that relationship. The best measurement will be the quality of the

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conversation, the quality of the conversation itself. So now, there are times when we feel closer to Allah, and times when we feel more distant from him. And like all of our relationships, the strength or weakness of the relationship is related to these three factors. Let's look at the evidence for that. What is the evidence that these three factors even play into our relationship with Allah subhanaw taala This is a Hadith conducted by Ibn Abi Shaybah from Santa Ana and Farsi Radi Allahu Taala anto. He says, If a servant of Allah regularly remembered Allah in times of ease and comfort, and praised Allah in times of difficulty, then when a difficulty afflicts this person, and they call

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upon Allah, the angel say, this is the sound of unknown the voice from a weak servant. Then they intercede before Allah on behalf of this person. On the contrary, when a person had not regularly remembered Allah in times of ease, and had not praised Allah in times of difficulty, and then calls upon Allah, the angels say, we do not recognize this voice and they do not intercede and they do not intercede. What is the operative sentence in this hadith? What is the main for the street for the sake of our evidence? What is the main sentence we're using as delete? Go ahead. Sorry.

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If you were

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asking for a trade to him in good times,

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That is the component that is the point right over there. The angel is responding, saying that this is a voice we recognize we know this voice because of how frequently it calls out to Allah subhanaw taala. So that is the operative sentence over here, right? And then this hadith breaks down different scenarios, times of ease times of hardship. So you can consider that the depth of the conversation and you can also consider this how broad the conversation is, right? So the province of Allah, Allah said I'm saying, remembering Allah in times of ease, so making regular vicar of Allah subhanaw taala, when things are easy for you, right, and there is no specification as to what to

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record it can be, it can be Subhanallah, it can be Al Hamdulillah, it can be Allahu Akbar, can be Lila and Allah Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah, it can even be recitation of the Quran. Anything applies over here, that is Component number one. Component number two, is praising Allah in times of difficulty. Right? And this goes back to another conversation we've had quite a few times, but being grateful to Allah subhanaw taala in times of calamity, right, we have the statement of umbrella katabami Allahu Taala Ando and also attributed to Sheree halacha de he says that the companions of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam were grateful to Allah subhanaw taala for

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three things, number one, that the trial wasn't in their Deen. Number two, that the trial was not as great as it could have been. And number three, that Allah subhanaw taala allowed them to be patient, that Allah subhanaw taala allowed them to be patient, they were grateful to Allah subhanho wa Taala for those three things when they were tried. So often when we think of trial, we naturally affiliate with patients and being tried and being tested, I should be patient with the Sahaba or the Allahu Taala and whom they had reframed it to a level which was higher, what are the things that I can be grateful for, because if I can focus on being grateful to Allah subhanaw taala this will naturally

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inspire me to be patient, this will aid me in being patient. So the slave of Allah in moments of difficulty is saying Alhamdulillah is saying Alhamdulillah and then when a difficulty afflicts this person, they actually call upon Allah subhanaw taala. So not only are they praising Allah by saying and hamdulillah but they're now raising their hands, and calling to Allah subhanho wa taala. So notice how this hadith specifies that this individual calls upon Allah subhanaw taala in moments of difficulty, and says, This is the sound of unknown voice, meaning that the righteous slaves of Allah are not going to live lives of ease. They're going to live lives of difficulty, right? The most

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tested of people are the prophets, from an unfaithful anthem, and those that follow their way and those that follow their way. So the more hard or the more difficult your life is. This is not a sign of Allah's hatred towards you would rather these are opportunities for you to get closer to Allah subhanaw taala. And for you to praise Allah and for you to have a conversation with Allah subhanho wa taala. And this is what this hadith is indicating. And the more you do that, then the more the angels recognize your voice and the more they're willing to intercede on your behalf. Whereas the individual that did not remember Allah in times of ease, did not praise Allah subhanaw taala in

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times of difficulty and did not call upon Allah subhana wa Tada frequently during times of difficulty, because obviously all of Allah's creation, you reach a breaking point where even the atheist becomes a believer, right? When that plane is going down, you're an atheist, they're going to call out to higher power, right with the righteous slave. They call out to Allah subhanaw taala at all times. And this is why if you look at other Hadith, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam toward his companions, that call out to Allah, even for salt, call out to Allah, even if your shoelace was to break. If you look at these examples, you think of them to be frivolous examples

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like why would you make dua to Allah for salt, but the point over here is not the salt. It is the connection with Allah subhanaw taala that the slave of Allah should always be connected to Allah subhanaw taala so much so that something as small as salt before you even ask your neighbor before you even go to the grocery store, you ask ALLAH that Oh Allah, replace the salt that I've used with a better salt with another salt. Right? This is the communication that you're meant to have with Allah subhanahu wata, Anna

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and this hadith demonstrates the sign of a connection with Allah and how frequently you should be connected throughout is throughout difficulty and then going back to those components of you know depth and frequency and and being brought. So now, what is it that will break down a relationship? What is it that will break down the relationship is basically the exact opposite of

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office, when conversations are not deep, when communication is not frequent, and there's not a broad topic of discussion, there's not a broad topic of discussion. It's like the same things over and over again. So now, if you think about your relationships, whether it is your friends, whether it is your spouse, whether it is your parents, think about these topics, How deep are the conversations? Are you willing to be vulnerable? Are you willing to show a side of yourself that the vast majority of people would not have access to, the more likely and willing you are to do that, the more you're emotionally investing in the relationship, and that requires trust, right, and trust in giving and

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trust in receiving, so you have to trust the person, and the person should not betray that trust, either. In terms of the depth of the conversation, in terms of frequence frequency, this can depend, right, there's certain friends that you're not going to speak to for months at a time. But as soon as you talk to them, it's as if it's as if you haven't missed a beat, right? Because the frequency is not as important because the relationship has stabilized. At that time, the relationship has stabilized after that time, right? Then you just focus on the quality of the conversation, you don't have to focus on building rapport, you don't have to focus on dealing with trust, you can go into

00:31:19 --> 00:31:58

the deeper intimate conversations that you need to have. And then the breadth of topics, meaning a variety of different topics. As human beings, we get bored very, very easily. If we talk to each other about the same topics over and over and over again, a point will come where like, bro, I don't want to talk to you anymore. Right? Like, let's find something else to do. Let's find something else to talk about. Right? You can't play the same video game all the time. You can't talk about the same book all the time. You can't talk about, you know, the same thing every single day and night. There has to be a variety of different things. So now, is there a conversation that you should only have

00:31:58 --> 00:32:13

with Allah, and no one else? I want you to think about that. We're speaking about deepness. Right, we're speaking about vulnerability. Is there a conversation that you should only have with Allah? And no one else? You said? Yes. What conversation is that?

00:32:18 --> 00:32:31

Yes, so all activity by others should be directed towards Allah subhanaw taala. But we're speaking, I'm looking at particular topics. Are there only? Are there certain topics that you should only speak to Allah? subhanaw taala? About? I saw your hand go up?

00:32:35 --> 00:33:17

A cent? Exactly, exactly. So the answer is yes, there are certain conversations that only Allah subhanaw taala should be privy to. And those are your sins. As human beings. We're not meant to disclose our sins to our friends. We're not meant to disclose our sins to our family members. Now I know the natural reaction is, you know, what, if I'm getting counseling, what if I'm getting therapy? Yes, there are exceptions to the rule. But even then, the way you frame it is very, very important. So for example, you come to a Halacha, you want to ask a question about a sin that you have done. The proper etiquette of asking that question is not a ceremony come, Chef, I've committed

00:33:17 --> 00:33:59

the sin. What is your advice to me? The proper etiquette should be a Salam on a call. There is this individual that has committed the sin, what is your advice to them? Right? So you take yourself out of it, because Allah subhanaw taala wants you to live a life of honor and dignity, you're not meant to expose your sins. Now, applying this to counseling, the only time you should be speaking to a counselor is if there's some sort of addiction, or there's some sort of trauma related to a sin that you committed. Outside of those two instances. There are very, very few instances where you should confess a sin to another individual. Those are the exceptions to the rule, right? So yes, in those

00:33:59 --> 00:34:35

situations, it is allowed, right? But outside of that we don't expose our sins to other than Allah subhana wa Tada. And this is such a beautiful conversation to have, when it's with Allah. And it's such an ugly conversation to have, if with another human being, right, when it comes to your conversation with Allah, you're complaining about your weakness that Oh ALLAH the sin is too big of a temptation. For me, it's too big of a desire for me, protecting me against it helped me overcome it. Right when you asked to Allah subhanaw taala for those matters, it's a beautiful conversation. Because Allah subhanaw taala is capable of helping you he is the all strong the All Knowing the all

00:34:35 --> 00:34:59

wise, the all capable. Whereas this conversation with human beings, it's, it's a very, very foul conversation, that this person is a sinner just like you. And this is why when you looked at the act of confession in other religions, it logically makes no sense the person that you're confessing your sin to is committing the same sins even more since then you oftentimes, right? It just doesn't make sense. So from the

00:35:00 --> 00:35:11

beauty of our faith is that that is a conversation that you should only be having with Allah subhanho wa taala. And what we're very fascinating is that even when you look at the Islamic Raj,

00:35:12 --> 00:35:16

during the marriage, who is accompanying the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam?

00:35:17 --> 00:35:50

Who is the company processor? Gibreel Jibreel? Is the company through the Process Center, does the accompany department, I sell them the whole entire way, where does he stop sending them on to the highest level. So he reaches this level, where Jabril you know, recuses himself, and he says that I can accompany you, you know, further, this is where I stop. So Gibreel was privy to everything until that point. But even then a point came where the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam had to speak to Allah subhanaw taala along. So going back to our discussion on boundaries,

00:35:51 --> 00:36:35

even conversations will have boundaries with regards to them, when it comes to your skin, that is between you and Allah subhanaw taala. And no one else should be privy to that. Whereas for everything else, you have the right of disclosure, you get to pick and choose the level of level of vulnerability you have with people. And you will notice for the sake of your own development of your relationships, the more vulnerable you're willing to be with people, the deeper that relationship will go, and the more it will strengthen. Right, and the more surface level you keep it, the less deep it will be. And the more superficial that relationship will be. Now here are a couple of things

00:36:35 --> 00:37:20

to talk about. The first of them is the importance of being wise, and who you are being vulnerable with. If you meet someone that you establish a relationship with, and mashallah you have so many things in common. You go to the machine together, you tend to have lockers together, you'd like to same sports, you watch the same TV shows, X, Y, and Zed. But this person has a reputation of sharing people's secrets in your mind, in your heart, because you want to develop that relationship, you will choose to be vulnerable with this person. But is that the right decision? It's not because this person has the reputation that precedes them, that they're unable to keep secrets has a reputation

00:37:20 --> 00:37:58

to them that they can't be trusted. So you shouldn't be vulnerable with everyone. But rather, the process is to develop relationships over a period of time. Right? It's sort of like when you go swimming, you're learning how to swim, you start off with the shallow end, you take a step further, you get deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper, until you say you know what, let me step back. And that is how relationships need to be. They start off very shallow and superficial. And then they get deeper and deeper and deeper till you develop that boundary where you know what this is where the boundary is in terms of my vulnerability and how much I disclose on myself. Because beyond this, I

00:37:58 --> 00:38:39

don't think I can trust this person up until they prove themselves right. Now, let's look at the opposite of what happens as well. Certain people you will meet for the very, very first time. And they're like dumping their childhood trauma on you is a TMI that's too much information for first meeting. So you don't want to do that as well. So vetting the person developing that relationship and making sure you're not exposing yourself and sharing too much. Because even sharing too much in an initial interaction can come across as you know what, perhaps this person isn't mature, perhaps there's, you know, many layers that need to be investigated into this person. Before we can even

00:38:39 --> 00:39:20

consider this person a friend. Right, you're pushing them away, as opposed to bringing them in, you're pushing them away as approach to bringing them in. So we focused on those three things. He brings in what you can call like a three a or possibly a four, which is style of communication. So people that you're friends with, and let's start off with initial interaction. You meet someone for the first time, you're like A salaam aleikum, you shake their hand, right? And you that'll work well in Muslim communities. You said salaam when they come you shake their hands. But imagine, think about school, you have non Muslim friends, non Muslim colleagues over there? How often do you shake

00:39:20 --> 00:39:58

their hands? It's not a common thing, right? It's not common that you end up shaking their hand as a certain point. You know, at least back in the 90s. In the early 2000s. One of the ways that you prove your friendship was that you had a special handshake with your friends, right? You had a special handshake with your friends, it's not a thing anymore. But that's something that's specific to you and to them. But then you also have certain language that you will use that becomes specific to the way that you communicate with them. And that shows the depth of your relationship. So there are certain words that you can say that will naturally trigger a thought in their mind that will

00:39:58 --> 00:40:00

naturally trigger a thought in your

00:40:00 --> 00:40:17

might raise if everyone else was to hear that word, they wouldn't think about the same thing. They wouldn't think about the same thing. So before the Halacha had started, I approached someone and I'm like, I'm gonna do an experiment with you. And I'm like, I'm gonna throw out three words with you. Let's see if we're on the same wavelength or not.

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I said the word step count.

00:40:22 --> 00:40:24

What was the word I was looking for? And what was the word that they said?

00:40:27 --> 00:40:31

Take a guess. step count, what is the word that comes to your mind?

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Everyone that comes to your mind when they say the word step count

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10,000, Allahu Akbar goals. We're talking about goals. What else comes to mind? When you say step count?

00:40:42 --> 00:40:45

step count any other Lakota, what are the Dakota what?

00:40:47 --> 00:40:48

What else comes to mind?

00:40:51 --> 00:40:53

Exercise. Okay, go ahead.

00:40:54 --> 00:41:33

Hold the watershed on the steps of shaitan. Okay, so these are different things that come to mind. What was in my mind was either mucca, Medina, or Amara, this person said running, this person said running. So there was a disconnect over there. So I was like, Okay, this isn't going the right way. Then I said, bad movie. Right? And I was like, let's see if they're on the same wavelength. And whatever this person said, it was exact same thing I was thinking of, I asked this person good movie, the exact same wavelength. Now why did that happen? And all three of these incidents, I was thinking, because we've experienced things together, that will be on the same wavelength, the amount

00:41:33 --> 00:42:10

of time we've spent together the activities that we've done together, right? So when you're communicating with people, what you want to think of is, where is this person's question coming from? And I can understand why this person is said running, because they love to run, right? So naturally, when they think of stuck on their thing of running, but had this person reframe the question, Why is this person asking me, you know, number of footsteps, they would have thought back, you know, what, recently we did ombre together, and our step count was off the hook. Right? It was just crazy. So they would have understood that now, the reason why I'm mentioning this is that style

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of communication, where even single words can be understood is the depth of the relationship, the deeper the relationship, than even certain hand indication station, certain facial expressions, will communicate everything that needs to be expressed, the more shallow the relationship, you will literally have to spell things out for them. And then even then, sometimes they will not get it, even sometimes they will may not get it. So you're looking at the depth of the conversation, the frequency of the conversation, how broad the topics are, and then even the style of communication. And that's perfectly fine. Your style of communicating with your friends and the lingo that you use,

00:42:51 --> 00:43:04

can be specific, because that is the depth of the relationship that you have with them. That is the depth of the relationship that you have with them. Now, let's talk about noise. Let's talk about noise.

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So Allah subhanaw taala, he gave a bliss, a very, very specific command, he told a bliss and the angels, prostrate to Adam. It was a command from Allah subhanaw taala. The angels, they prostrated, except for a bliss, a bliss. His problem was, there was a very loud noise inside, there was a very, very loud noise inside. That noise was Adam is created from clay, I am created from fire, I am better than Adam, why would I lower myself to someone than that I am better than that's to lower myself to someone that I am better than. And he argues over here shake mocha Smith argues over here, that the loudest noise that will ever take place internally, is narcissism.

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And he argues that people that are narcissistic, in fact, will not be able to be deep listeners, he says that in order to be a deep listener, you have to be able to put yourself aside and focus on the person that you're conversing with. Whereas the narcissistic person can only focus on themselves, they can't focus on anyone else. As soon as you start talking about something else, they have to bring themselves back into the conversation. And it's very fascinating that the way narcissistic syndrome actually develops is that these people are looking for love. They find no one to love them. So they start loving themselves. So all the love that they're void of in their other relationships.

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They're that inner desire to be loved. They start feeding themselves by themselves. They start telling themselves about how great they are, and they're blind to their own faults and they're blind to their own mistakes. So he says this is the largest level of noise that will take

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place. But then there are other types of noise, that will become hindrances as well. It can be the trauma that you've experienced, that's constantly running through your mind. No matter what you go through in this law in your life, this trauma keeps resurfacing itself. And it doesn't let you be vulnerable with people. It doesn't let you develop deep conversations with people because of that trauma. This can be even with regards to poor communication that was displayed in front of you. So if you were raised in a household, we have constant arguing and constant fighting, where you there were the norm that is established is, you know, communication is meant to be arguing and fighting.

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As you grow older, and you're trying to develop a relationship, and you're not fighting with the other person, you're like, This isn't normal. This is not the this is not what I was brought up with. And this is why it's so important. The way parents are in front of their children. Right? It's inevitable that from time to time, couples will fight, parents will fight, it's inevitable that will happen. But try to minimize it as much as you possibly can in front of your children. Don't lower your voices don't do things that are obscene and vulgar. Don't break things. And if you need to fight, fight in the room, where no one can hear you, not just close the door, but the walls are

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paper thin, so everyone can hear you. Right? No doctor read, he had a funny joke, the I'm terrible at the delivery, but inshallah we'll get the point. He says in the in the first year of marriage, the wife talks and the husband listens. And the second year of marriage, the husband talks and the wife listens. And the third year of marriage, both the husband and wife talk and the neighbors listen. Right? Yeah, I know, I killed the delivery. But the point being the point of argumentation, that goes back to that, that it has an impact on children because normalization or the process, or the concept of what is normal to a child is what they are exposed to right. And you don't want to

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instill into the child that the default communication method in relationships is one of fighting and argumentation, right. So even the way you're brought up can have an impact on the way that you communicate with people on the way that you communicate with people. So now he mentions a couple of things that I want to share with you. He says the point here is that we have to realize that every feeling that Allah has placed within us has a correct and sound expression. Our struggle is to direct our feelings, and force them to be guided by us, and not allow them to guide us and not allow them to guide us. So what that means is husband comes home from work, he's had a very stressful day.

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He goes into his house, his wife has been with the children the whole entire day. She's looking for adult conversation,

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the husband comes home. And he's like, You know what, I'm just going to sit and watch TV, or I'm just going to sit and be on my phone, the wife is looking for conversation. And then when she tries to communicate with him, he gets very angry and upset. And he does something to upset her. Or he completely ignores her while he's on the phone. And in both of these scenarios, the wife is going to be upset, the wife is going to be upset. How do we manage this issue? What are the different things that we can do? So from the husband side, if you know that this is a recurring thing that your wife has had a long day with the kids, when you go home, it's very important that before you go home, you

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take a break, stop in your car, you know, listen to Quran, listen to whatever you need to listen to read whatever you need to read, to get yourself to get into a position where you're gonna have a friendly and nice conversation with your wife, validate her experiences, validate her emotions, make her you feel good about herself, remind her of her budget with Allah subhanaw taala for all of her sacrifices, that you're there to help her and support her and she's not alone in this. That is the frame of mind that you need to get into. If you know that's what's going to happen. Now, from the wife's perspective, it's also very important to be observant of facial expressions, and body

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language. Your husband comes home he's absolutely exhausted and shattered. And yes, you have this need inside of you to talk about your day and everything that's happened. But are you setting yourself up for failure by pursuing that conversation that you know he's not ready to have? So maybe tell him that you know what, you know, I've had a long day myself, but I can see you're really tired. Why don't you go take a hot shower, calm down. And after you're calm and relaxed, please come to me because I'd love to talk to you. Right? Do something like that. Or after you feed him he's calmed down. He's relaxed, have a call

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conversation at that time, right? So intuition is going to go very, very far, preparation is going to go very, very far. So when you understand this, then you are navigating your emotions, as opposed to your emotions navigating you, if you're doing everything in the spirit of the moment, and you're not aware of the other person is just going to lead into disaster, right? So be very, very self aware of your own emotions. Listen to your own body and listen to your own heart, listen to your own mind. And then ask yourself, what is it? Well, first, actually, what emotion Am I feeling? Once you identify the emotion? Why am I feeling this emotion? And then the third component is, is this

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emotion going to hinder me from having an important conversation? If it is, let me try to, you know, talk my mind into a different direction and see if that works? Or am I able to delay this conversation and postpone it? Let's try to do that. Or you know what? Let's not have, I don't need to have this conversation at all. So I'm just not going to have it right. So there's different things that you can do. But the importance is that you're self aware. And this self awareness is going to come to what emotion Am I feeling? Why am I feeling this emotion? Is it going to hinder my conversation with another individual? If yes, then what can I do to reframe my mindset? What can I

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do to reframe my mindset? And this is why the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he tells us, your love for something blinds you and makes you deaf. Your love for something blinds you and makes you deaf. Now, the relevance over here is when you're freshly in love, you will do anything for that person. Even if it means haram. Right? Sometimes there'll be intentional, sometimes there'll be unintentional, right? Young couples find each other in the MSA. They exchanged phone numbers, they start with texting. Eventually it goes to phone calls, they talk all night, and Subhanallah one night, they spoke all night Fajr came and went and they didn't even realize it. Right? Your love for

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something will blind you it makes you lose sense of reality makes you lose sense of reality. Or it could be other things where it's not just a sin. But even the flaw is that this person has so early on in this relationship. They're constantly asking you for money. Hey, can I borrow $5? Hey, can I borrow $10? Hey, can I borrow X amount of money till you lend to them all this money and you keep thinking that you know what? This is the person that I love. This is the person that I'm going to marry till you know what they disappear on you or they end up telling you that you know what, I don't think this relationship is going to work out block and you have no way of contacting them

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again, right? So you're blind even to their reality. But more importantly, you're becoming blind to yourself, right? Your time deserves better usage, your mind deserves better usage, your heart deserves better usage. And this is why the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam tells us that you should not love so much someone so much that you're unable to hate them. And you should not hate someone so much that you're unable to love them, right? Everything is imbalanced and everything is in moderation. So he says something very important here. He says the process of working on yourself or task here is about understanding the self and controlling the self. So when we talk about SQL to

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nurse, it's about understanding yourself and learning to control yourself. That is what truth excute enough's is all about, that you control your nerves, and your nerves does not control you, you become a better listener, because you're able to think about your thoughts, the habit of thinking about your thoughts, exercises, the same emotional muscles needed to think about another person's thoughts and feelings. So when you are able to control your thoughts and exercise your thoughts, the same muscles are being used when you have to be considerate of other people's feelings, and other people's thoughts, as well.

00:53:57 --> 00:54:00

So now, let's get back to

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this concept of narcissism. So we spoke about a bliss and we spoke about, you know, there are certain things that we want to define narcissism with. I'm looking for that section over here.

00:54:24 --> 00:54:26

We'll get to it in shallow Daytona

00:54:28 --> 00:54:59

five, let's jump to something else and they'll come back to this section. So narcissism prevents you from thinking about others. And it prevents you from thinking about their thoughts and prevents you from thinking about their feelings. That is get back to Allah subhanaw taala and the Hadith Guzzi where the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam there is from Allah subhanaw taala. When I love a person, I become the years by which they hear the eyes by which they see the hand by which they touch and the feet by which they

00:55:00 --> 00:55:44

Walk. Looking at this hadith through the lens of deep listening, we learn that allowing an other person's perspectives to live within you provides a unique relationship between two people. When you listen deeply to another person, you can see hear and feel as the other person does. And this is the deepest form of connection. So now when you take this hadith kotse when Allah subhanaw taala says that he becomes the hearing, with which you hear the seeing with which you see the sight with which you the the touch with which you touch, and the walking with which you walk. Obviously this is not meant to be something anthropomorphic, where we're giving human characteristics to Allah subhanaw

00:55:44 --> 00:56:29

taala but this is a spiritual overpower meant that ALLAH SubhanA wa Taala gives to this person, meaning that this person has purified themselves so much and has shown so much love and care for Allah subhanho wa Taala that Allah subhanaw taala guides this person seek guides this person's hearing guides this person's touch and guides this person's basically mode of transportation. So Allah subhanho wa Taala will protect you from witnessing haram protect you from seeing and listening to haram protects you from going to Haram as a result of the investment that you made in the relationship with Allah subhanho wa Taala as a result of you trying to purify your knifes as a

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result of you trying to purify your knifes. So this concept of deep listening can also be applied to the relationship with Allah subhanho wa Taala where the more you invest in that relationship, the more Allah subhanaw taala invests in you, right you take a step to Allah subhanho wa Taala takes 10 steps to you, you come jogging to Allah and Allah subhanho wa Taala comes running to you. So this level of investment in the relationship can even be applied to Allah subhanho wa taala. Now, we get to the characteristics that was looking for. So narcissistic personality disorder is defined as patterns of grandiose of grandiose, grandiosity, need for admiration, lack of empathy, right, so

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three things, you think much more of yourself than you actually are. You constantly need to be admired. And you lack empathy, right? You lack empathy for the situations that people are in. Individuals with disorder believe they are superior to others, and expect others to recognize them as such, People with this disorder generally lack empathy, and have difficulty recognizing the desires, subjective experiences, and feelings of others. Right. They're just unable to relate to them, because they're constantly consumed by themselves. And this is, you know, for me was the most beautiful part of the of the chapter. He says the narcissist loves story as a tragedy of epic

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proportions. They desire love, so they love themselves. But that self love is in fact, the very thing that pushes people away from them. As they move further and further away from people they are first they are forced to love themselves more and more, only to move further away from that what they truly desire, connection and love from other people. The empathetic person becomes loved by all around them, because of their lack of self love. This is a paradox that many fail to realize Subhanallah like, as human beings were caught between these two extremes, a certain subset of people, they have no love for themselves whatsoever. They have no value of themselves in their in

00:58:52 --> 00:59:37

their own eyes. They see their worth as zero. And then you have a subset of people that are the exact opposite. I am Allah's greatest gift to humanity. You know, praise me, cherish me admire me, everything is just about me. And then the majority of human beings were teeter tottering between the two. We need a level of self love. But we also need to be able to control that self love and to be able to put it aside so that we can develop relationships with others. You need to be able to put your own thoughts and experiences aside, to open up Rule to allow others to enter so that when someone is telling you about their problems, you're not saying but my problems are greater than

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yours. You're saying Subhanallah I'm so sorry that you're going through that. May Allah subhanaw taala make things easy for you. Tell me more if you will make you feel better. If not, tell me what I can do to help you. Right. So you're putting yourself aside and you're making them the center of attention and the focus and when you're able to do that. That is when people will feel cherished and that is when people

01:00:00 --> 01:00:45

will feel valued. The ultimate objective of deep listening is to create oneness with others through shared perspectives and understanding. In other words, intimacy is the objective. When this state is reached, you no longer view your brother or sister as the other, but rather as an extension of yourself. And I think Spanner This is very profound. That Hadith where the prophet Salam describes the OMA as one body, when part of it hurts, all of it hurts the Hadith where the prophet salaam describes that the believer is a mirror of another believer. How does that tie into deep listening, it ties into deep listening, that you're treating others the same way you want it to be treated,

01:00:45 --> 01:01:30

you're opening your heart with concern for others, at the same level of concern that you would give yourself at the same level of concern that you would give yourself and SubhanAllah. I'll get to the conclusion over here. He says, based on our understanding of social brain theory and attachment theory, we know that a family or community nurtures individual development, when each member of the community realizes that they are essential for the emotional well being of others, meaning, let's take this, you know, right here, right now, each and every one of us has a responsibility to each and every one of us for the emotional well being of others. Now, what is that level of emotional

01:01:30 --> 01:02:13

well being, that will depend on our level of interaction, our frequency, the breadth of topics, and so on and so forth. But we still have a level of responsibility towards one another. When members of a community see their own individuality, as more important than the well being of others, we will find ourselves in the situation where we are today. Right? As soon as we consider ourselves more important than others. That is why we find ourselves in the situation that we are in today. What situation is he referring to? One of loneliness, and one of having little to no deep interaction with people, right? Because you're always prioritizing ourself, I need to be entertained, I need to

01:02:13 --> 01:02:56

eat, I need to drink, I need to be cared for. Everything is always about me. But the moment you stop making yourself a priority, and start focusing on the other end, you start becoming the person that you need, right? We all want those deep connections, you want someone that you can trust someone that will listen to you, someone that will share with you, you need to become that person first, you need to become that person first. Today, we are more connected than ever. But we have collected Lee never felt lonelier. In our, in our interactions with people throughout life, we sometimes refer to people as full of themselves. The truth is that they are simply covering the emptiness they feel

01:02:56 --> 01:03:15

within, none are as empty, as those who are full of themselves non are as empty as those that are full of themselves. Now, I want to conclude in the next five minutes, with our understanding of Muslim gatherings.

01:03:17 --> 01:03:29

I want you I want to ask you a question. There's a Muslim event happening in the city. How do you decide if you're gonna go to it or not? A Muslim event is happening in the city? How are you going to decide if you're going to go to it or not?

01:03:30 --> 01:03:35

I know for you if your mother takes you or not obvious answer. It's not Bismillah go for it.

01:03:38 --> 01:03:39

Know what

01:03:43 --> 01:03:48

are you saying like, like, you have nothing to do like you can go on.

01:03:50 --> 01:03:54

For the sake of this discussion, yes, you are free, you have nothing to do.

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Just go if you have nothing to do just go but the reality is even when people have nothing to do, they still don't go they would rather find other things to do than to go Go ahead.

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The topic itself how does it resonate with you?

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Excellent, so the topic and self benefit. Can I relate to this topic is a topic beneficial for me. What else? How does this you decide? Sister in the back? Go ahead. In the back first in the back first? Yeah, yeah.

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Okay, if you assume that the people there are welcoming to you go ahead.

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The speaker so if I find that the speaker is relatable, and I liked the speaker, I'll show up if they're not in I'm not going to show up back to the brothers aboubaker.

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My experience is that most people are very happy to

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01:05:00 --> 01:05:00


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accent so if you have a relationship with a speaker, then you're more than likely to go. If you don't have a relationship with a speaker, you're not more than likely to go. So now

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let's step back, because these are all great answers, and I love the honesty that people are sharing. But let's step back

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when we show up to the GEMA in the masjid

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is this something that is for personal benefit? Is this something that, you know, I like the Imam that's going to be leading the salah? I like his recitation. If I don't like his recitation, I don't like the amount I'm not going to show up. No, the answer is no. We go and approach the salah because the salah wouldn't have itself is beneficial, the extra Award and the extra agenda and pray in congregation. This is a part of the Command of Allah subhanaw taala. What is the command of Allah? subhanaw taala? Exactly. You can pray everywhere. But why does Allah subhanaw taala want you to pray in the Jamaat? Why is it rewarded? Because this goes back to our very, very first discussion, who is

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the concern? The concern is the social individual. Who are you meant to socialize with? You are meant to socialize with people that are like minded that love the deen of Allah subhanho wa Taala that wants to get to Jana, and they want you to be there with them. So now when you look at Muslim events, the framing should not be the topic should not be the speaker should not be any of the things that were honestly shared. Because all of that can be adjusted with a simple question. Can I reframe my mindset, that when I go to this event, I will learn something regardless, and I think I've shared this before as well. One of two things will happen, either you will actually share, you

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will actually learn something new. Or you will learn how not to deliver a talk. Those are the two inevitable realities, right. Or you will learn how not to do something, whether it's the speech itself, or the speaker, or whatever it may be. But it all starts with your mindset. And this is what I think let's start off with drama. And I'm gonna you know, focus on the brothers here for a moment. It is a horrendous situation at drama time. brothers come in to the masjid early on, and they sit at the back of the Masjid. Hola. So I'm going to take a kalola Let me take a nap. And throughout the whole entire drama, they're in and out of sleep the whole entire time. Other people, they can't let

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go of work. They're constantly messaging on their phone. Other people are bored in the football, and they're actually looking stuff up and Subhanallah this is this is still my all time you know display of disrespect. Actually, it's a tie. Well, I'll say it's a tie. And I'll actually mention the names. So once you know she has said he's given the hotbar at the Ramada hotel when the downtown Masjid was closed, the person in the first role, picked up the phone and had a conversation while she was giving them in the first row. Right like that is like the highest level of disrespect in terms of what you could do to show disrespect and the thing that was equal was Brother Dinesh, one of the

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themes that comes here as well. He's in a football at a community center. In the very first row. The brother brought a magazine with him to read during his Courtois and he's reading the magazine in the hotbar. The problem over here is not the Katims unprepared, the the topic isn't relevant. The product. The problem here is the mindset that you're coming here for a ritualistic action Oh, as long as I fulfill the obligation, I've done it, no, do it with the sun, come with the intention of learning something new and you will learn something new. Right? Come with the intention of I want to be able to relate to this topic even though I don't know how, and you will leave with something that

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you're related to it. The problem is always the mindset we are meant to be amongst the believers were meant to be a part of the congregation. Right? So that attitudes towards Juma needs to change. And then the general advice applies to the sisters as well. You know, sisters are just as picky when it comes to events, if the topic is so and so they'll show up if the speaker is so and so they'll show up. But as soon as the topic is in, like as soon as the speaker, you know, isn't a speaker that they like, then all of a sudden the sisters aren't there. But what if you're going there just to be a part of the GEMA you probably sell them telling us that no gathering of remembrance of Allah takes

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place except that the angels surround them Subhanallah Is that not enough? Is it not enough that the angels surround you and they seek forgiveness for you? That when you leave that gathering, you're forgiven for your sins, like is that not enough?

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Let alone have all the other merits that you will get from attending gatherings. So I'm hoping I've gotten my point across focus on the mindset. This is

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As your dean, this is your community. This is your development. And it always starts with you. And you apply this to your relationships as well. You have to nurture yourself, focus on yourself. Speak to yourself, understand the emotions that you're feeling, why you're feeling them, how they can be controlled, and different ways of changing your mindset. And then you will fulfill the need for socializing. By being the person you want someone else to be with you, right? By being trustworthy by being vulnerable, by being empathetic by being someone that cares. And that's how relationships are developed next week and shall Oh, he, which leads me to a couple of announcements and then we'll

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do question and answers inshallah. So announcements number one, is that next week, I will not be delivering the Halacha I will actually be continuing the series because right now, I will say we're about three quarters of the way through the book, we have about a quarter left inshallah. So I asked for permission to extend it and hamdulillah was granted. So next week is a week of the 29th. And the fifth will be the final two halacha is on this book, the final to Allah plus, on this book. Next week, we have Aref who is going to be speaking about how the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam treated sinners, how the Prophet SAW Selim treated sinners with RF, so there'll be 730 at night. So

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everything I just told you about speakers and topics implementing next week, Allah and show up and show some love to artifact in the heat Allah.

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Wala, huzzah, Allah. Now let's open up the floor for questions, comments concerns? This Mila?

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When you are

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talking about

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example of noise, maybe emotions like anger, jealousy, trauma, but could positive emotions also be?

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So what are you thinking of? Like someone can be too happy to have your have a conversation? Or too excited?

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If you're not seeing things correctly, good, that also is good positive emotion also.

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I don't think pause. So the brothers question is with regards to positive emotions, can they be considered noise? On the theoretical level? Yes. But the thing with happiness is that it's a lot easier to control than sadness, like happiness happens, you can be brought to Earth, you know, in an instant, when sadness happens to get you back to a normative state is very, very difficult. So I think the happiness emotion isn't brought into consideration due to how easy you're going to be brought back to a normative baseline, where as the sadness and the anger and the frustration, jealousy, envy, all of those require a much deeper level of work. But all of that to say, I think

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the other party also requires awareness, that a person is really really happy, and you're about to have a really sad conversation with them. You know, try to figure things out first, Hey, what is it that's making you so happy? Share your happiness with me? Let them express themselves, then hey, you know, can I talk about my day as well, that's one way to do it. Or you know what, let them have their moment of joy, and try to control yourself till the or at a normative baseline. And then you have that conversation. If you feel you're going to feel guilty about crushing their mood. But the beauty of deep relationships is that as soon as one person sees another person troubled and upset,

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they'd be willing to put their happiness aside and want to share in the sadness and the pain that this person is going through. But that will only help with deep relationships. Hola. Hola, Donna. Actually, let's go to the sisters and then we'll come back Go ahead. Yep.

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But I kind of want to hear were

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you talking about

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communication skills?

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01:14:08 --> 01:14:08


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healthy agree.

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How do you teach your son to be a great hottie?

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Inshallah Benelli Ptolemy Allah subhanho wa Taala make you a great hottie. I mean, so, I think there's a couple of things that that need to be discussed. Number one is public speaking, comes from self esteem and self confidence. So the child is raised to have self worth and to help self love. That's 80% of the battle right there. People are more afraid of public speaking than they are of heights and spiders combined. When you can combine both of those spirits together. People are more afraid to public speak than both of those combined Subhanallah and a lot of that stems from self esteem and self worth. The second is we

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Research, research research. For every hour of speaking, you want to do 10 hours of research and practice combined. And then the third is practicing your delivery. Number four is learning how to read your audience that as your audience needs to get engaged, what can you do to engage them? A question a joke, a story naturally gets people more engaged, the deeper the content, the more likely they are to get disengaged. And then last but not least, great teachers, right. So this will be a long period of time, but with great teachers Inshallah, there, they'll teach the skill set that needs that needs to be accompanied by self confidence and self esteem. Well, hold on.

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We Okay, go ahead.

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While he comes after law.

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So now the sisters question is with regards to, we've been speaking about empathy. But when you travel on a plane, and they tell you when the oxygen mask comes down, they always tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first. So what is the balance between loving yourself and prioritizing yourself, and being empathetic at the same time. So now, I think there's multiple levels to this, we'll start off at the broader level, is that in times of emergency, you always put yourself first, right? Human beings were created to preserve the self. In fact, if you look, the vast majority of emotions, a lot of them are directly affiliated to self preservation. So when your life is

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threatened, when you're in danger, you will automatically protect yourself first. And that is what you should do. Number two, is that as a child is growing older, it's so unfortunate that they have to have these conversations where they are being bullied, where they're being treated differently, where they're being discriminated against, because of the color of their skin, because of their ethnicity, because of their religion. So in these sorts of situations, what I think is important to understand, is to develop the child's relationship with Allah, before they're able to develop relationships with everyone else. So the importance of teaching your children, that Allah loves you

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more than your mother loves you. Allah loves you more than your creation, Allah, you know, created you in a perfect manner, He created you, the way you were meant to be created, you are a perfect creation of Allah subhanho wa taala. From that perspective, right. So the way you tailor and frame the relationship with Allah subhanaw taala, I believe, will set the tone for all of the other relationships, because then you focus on your relationship with the parents, the parents are naturally figures that are revered and looked up to, and strove in to be like, all that will naturally take place. So leading by example, for parents is very, very important. showing them what

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those boundaries are meant to look like showing them when it's important to help self love, showing them the importance of empathy by showing care for others. All of that will be taught by action. And I think that's to the degree where I would have a conversation with a young child, up until the age of about eight to 10 years old. After that age, you have the more difficult conversations, because at that age, they're trying to impress their friends. And even though someone may not and someone may want to be their friend, but they don't consider that friend cool enough. And they want to focus on all the cool kids that are doing either the Haram activities, or at the very least, the things

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that good people should not be doing right. And they're constantly striving to be them. But they're only chasing those individuals because of their own insecurities. And this goes back to the attachment theory we spoke about at length last week in the week before, that, if we develop secure children that have secure attachment, they want to be insecure in their relationships with others, they'll see their own self worth, they'll have high levels of self esteem, all as a result of how sensitive and responsive the parents were, after the Tofik of Allah subhanho wa taala.

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So that in summary is how I would answer your question, Allah who died I know. I'm going to come back to Inshallah, let me do questions from here and I'll come back to in Shama. Go ahead, your next

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What are effective strategies to treat narcissistic behavior? So I'm really glad you said narcissistic behavior, as opposed to narcissistic personality disorder. So narcissism personally personality disorder needs the help of a professional, narcissistic behavior. These are just general tendencies where a lot of the times people will be fine, but at certain times, they only think about themselves and they can only prioritize themselves. And I think for

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Are those behaviors? There is just a lot of introspection and self reflection that needs to be done that when I'm speaking to people, do they feel valued? Do they feel important? If they don't feel like that? Why is that happening? Right? So just doing a lot of introspection and self reflection. Number two, is the importance of instilling humility, right? And subhanAllah. This is very important when you look at the traditional learning system. It wasn't just about studying books with your teacher, but it was actually being in service, right? So your teacher needed you to go and pick up something in the market to go and do his laundry, go do you know X, Y, and Zed if you're living in

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the madrasah, you are responsible for cleaning the toilets, all of those things and still humility inside of you. Right. And I think humility is a very important characteristic for the believers. So what are the things that you can do that will help you with your humility? So I think those are the two things that I would focus on. Well, Allahu taala. No, go ahead.

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Excellent. So the brothers asking about the statement of Jacoba they Salam, when he says I should go bethey was in the in Allah, when the moment Allahu Allah tanaman. Then when Jacoba his Salam, he said, I complain of my grief and sorrow to Allah subhanho wa Taala and I know of Allah, that which you do not know. So doesn't this contradict with what we are saying that, you know, it's okay to share our problems and our concerns with other people. We discuss this in halacha. Number one, who is going to remind me the response to this. What is the response to this question? From halacha? Number one.

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Let's start off with the seer of the process. And um, can you think of an example where the person was distressed and he went in he spoke to someone

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cardiology Allahu taala, and how and why he came down, right at that time, he went and he spoke to Khadija Raja Allahu taala. Anna, she consoled him reminded him, but someone can argue this was before the Buddha or at the beginning of Nagoya, you know, perhaps his relationship with Allah subhanaw taala wasn't there, you move to her they be on Sudan or the Allahu Allah, Allah Allah. Because the salam comes back, he sees that the Companions aren't obeying Him, He tells him, send them out of the Allahu taala. And I don't know what to do, right. And he shared his problem with her. So this shows us the permissibility of it. Number two, is that as human beings we're meant to

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share, we're meant to console one another, the only boundary you need to draw is that of sin. There and then obviously talking about about people are doing things that are haram. But in all other situations, you're allowed to speak to other human beings, but you always prioritize with your relationship with Allah subhanaw taala. First, by going back to the Hadith about salt, before you ask others ask Allah subhanaw taala for salt.

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Before you seek help from others, seek help from Allah subhanaw taala first, number three, the person that you're speaking to, actually should have some sort of ability to actually help you either to emotionally make you feel better, or even provide you advice as to how to get out of your situation. You shouldn't speak about your problems to anyone, and everyone. Well, Allahu taala. No, go ahead, sign up.

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Excellent. So the sisters question is with regards to self care, and where do we draw boundaries, right? We live in a society where we're constantly told, prioritize yourself, take care of yourself. And very little emphasis is on take care of yourself to the degree that you're fine to take care of others. And I think that is the Islamic distinction, that Islam does not value self care, beyond the limit of getting back to a position where you're able to help others. Right, that is why within Islam, there is no command when of itself to take care of yourself, because that it was understood that through your ibadah, and through doing things, normally, as the Sharia requires an

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understanding whether that was the self care that we needed, so that we can focus on prioritizing others. But when you have no belief in God, you have no mechanism of dealing with destiny and fate, you have no mechanism of understanding good and evil, and the events of the world, then you're constantly going to be needing massage, and therapy and spa treatments, and all of these things that you indulge in for the sake of getting rid of, you know, the, the bad hormones, as they call them. So that you can just function. Right? So self care to the degree of functioning is very different than the self care of getting back to baseline so that you can get help others. So from a Muslim

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perspective, the love of self care is that you use what Islam teaches you to get back to a level to help others so that you can fulfill your responsibilities. Right as a believer, no matter what is happening in your life, you can never give up Salah and are always talking about this example, that Subhan Allah even in battle, Allah subhanaw taala teaches us how to pray, where groups will you know be

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In front of one another one is fighting. The other one is praying that he will reverse the rule even while in Salah Subhanallah so that at least the Salah is established right now that's on the battlefield. Think about any other catastrophe that's happening in life Subhanallah the prayer always has to be that priority that is a part of your self care, right? arachnophobia Yeah, below that bring us comfort. Yeah. Billa, Yanni joy, joy, that quality I need for Salah right by the coolness of my eyes was in Salah. So all that to say, I think there's a level of,

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I guess, criticism that needs to take place with common day. And conventional self care, because it's in its essence is very narcissistic. Take care of yourself, so that you can take care of yourself right so that you can continue to work you can continue to study. Whereas from a Muslims perspective, take care of yourself, to the degree that you can be a good servant of Allah subhanho wa taala. Take care of yourself to the degree that you can help humanity help you brothers and sisters, and help your families. But the bigger discussion is

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what we would call self care practices is just the implementation of Islam. And if we implement Islam properly, that will take care of the vast majority of self care, and then everything else can be supplementary. Right? That answer your question? Allahu Tada. Folks, let's conclude with that inshallah Xochimilco and for your attention. Next week we have RF, then two weeks after that been enlightened Allah will have the final couple of chapters of the book Subhan Allah humble, Be humble shadowline Lila and stuck Furukawa tubo lake was Salam alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh

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