Nadim Bashir – Khatira – When Can I Sever My Relationship

Nadim Bashir
AI: Summary © The importance of showing support to others in order to avoid embarrassment and disrespect is emphasized in Islam. The speakers discuss various scenarios where children are the same age as adults, and the need for family members to avoid causing embarrassment and disrespect. They also emphasize the importance of protecting oneself and family from evil behavior, and advise anyone who is abused or is physically abused by another person not to let them take advantage of them.
AI: Transcript ©
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So today inshallah I do want to cover a very important topic that has been asked from me several times. And I give a hoot about the importance of sibling relationships, I did talk about the importance of siblings getting along with each other, especially after they have grown up, they have got married and so forth, often siblings, they cut off from one another, or small, petty issues. So after that, there was somebody who came and asked me some questions. And then this past weekend, or this past Friday, I talked about that there are five sins that are very much dis

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despised by Allah subhanho wa taala. And one of those things is a person who severs relationships from other family members. So again, after that, there was some people who came in to ask me some important questions. And the question keeps on coming up is that there are some certain circumstances certain search situations where at that time, can we separate our relationship from our families or not? Like is this a hard and fast rule that in any situation, if you sever a relationship, then for example, as a Prophet sallallahu, I do something he says in a hadith now, you're the whole agenda party on a person who severs relationships? Or is the cause of others,

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severing their relationship from others? Who is basically the mastermind behind it, or someone who advises family members that do not talk to him? Everyone don't talk to him, or everyone don't talk to her. This happens often in families. So the probability is some says about a person that you will not enter into Jana. So once again, the question always comes up is there are some certain situations and our families that What about in those situations? Can we sever the relationship? So first of all, I'm going to share four important advices these are just general advices, that no matter what the situation is, and then the next thing inshallah we'll go through some particular

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circumstances or scenarios, and how we can deal with those kinds of situations. So first of all, is the question some people may ask is that no matter how much good i do with people in my family, how no matter how much I try to do good with my siblings, no matter how much I try to do good with my uncles, my Auntie's my aunts, and so forth. They never ever reciprocate the same level of respect, as I showed them. So in that situation, we always remind ourselves, the hadith of Arborea, or the Allahu Allah and we're in Rasulullah, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he was asked that I have relatives whom I keep in touch with, but they cut me off, meaning that I always tried to make a

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sincere effort to stay in touch with me to get in touch with them, but they cut me off, I treat them well, and they mistreat me and they abuse me, I impatient with them, and kind towards them, but they continuously insulted me. So that's why so long, why do you have some said that if it is, as you are saying, meaning, because while some does not know, he's not heard the other side of the story, so he's saying to this man, that it is as you are saying, then you are putting hot ashes in their mouth, and then the prophesy centum says, Allah will continue to support you, as long as you continue to keep up the same good behavior with them. So meaning the situation is such you're trying

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to be good with someone else, but someone is doing the complete opposite with you. In that case, always remember, you might feel weak, some people may seem that you are the one who are you are putting yourself down, but in the eyes of Allah subhanho wa Taala you truly have Allah support on your side. The next important thing is that you can never ever expect someone to be good to you. See, a lot of times we do good with others. Why? Because they want, they want we want them to do good with us. But the rule is this. If you continuously wait for others to do good for you, and do good with you, and you do good with them only with that intention will lie you will be miserable.

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Because if they don't show you the same level of love and respect and compassion, the way you show them and your intention is I want them to do the same for me and they don't show that you will be miserable and eventually this will cause more pain in your heart. So that is why you do it. Do it only only for the sake of Allah subhanho wa Taala we are good to our family members. Why? Because Allah subhanho wa Taala tells us in the Quran, why Buddha Allah wala to shriek will be che and will be well today in the sun will be the pullback and so forth. So Allah is telling us worship Allah subhanho wa Taala and then do good with your parents and do good with your relatives. The number

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three point is that no matter how offensive or disrespectful, someone may have been with you in the past, from your close family members, it does not ever give you the right to initiate disrespect or rudeness or being offensive to them in any capacity.

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City, because what happens is that sometimes we feel that because they did something to me in the past, now that they have come to me. Now let me go ahead and get all this anger and rage I have been sitting in bottling up in my heart for so many years. Let me just get this out once and for all. And what happens is we become the aggressor, we can become the volume and that kind of situation. So no matter what they have done with that does not give anyone the right to become offensive with them. Now, I do want to say this, someone may say that hasn't Allah subhanho wa Taala said in the Quran, what does that will say? I didn't say yeah, to Mithila decompensation of wrong is wrong in itself.

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Yes, Allah subhanaw taala has said that, but at the same time, remember, Allah subhanho wa Taala knows our nature. See, when someone does something wrong to us, the possibility of us sticking to that wrong and doing the equal amount of wrong to them is very highly unlikely. Because there's so much rage filled in, when someone does something wrong to us, we're going to probably do two times more to them. So that is why Allah subhanho wa Taala says, from an alpha, what is the Haifa a Jew and Allah, whoever forgives, and they let it go at that moment, Allah subhanho wa Taala will give them an exceptional reward in the hereafter. Number four, if they choose not to talk to you, you

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made several attempts, you reached out several times, you said even if you did something wrong, you said I'm sorry, you apologize, even if you have not done anything wrong, but they choose not to talk to you and they don't even give you an answer, then you are not miss old, you are not responsible before Allah the Day of Judgment, because you did your best, you did reach out to them in a sincere manner. And they chose not to talk to you for any reason that's on them on the Day of Judgment, you will not suffer the consequences in this dunya or in the afterlife because Allah sees the intention. Now, the next thing is, when it comes to family members, there are two different types of categories

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here. One category is the category that no matter what the situation is, you always try to repair your relationship with them. You always try to keep a connection with them, no matter what somebody might say that these are your Muharram someone that would say that these are those who will perhaps inherit from you one day, all the people that could possibly inherit from you one day, these are the people that no matter what you always try to be good to them always show them dignity and respect. And if they if they are in a situation where you do not get along with them and so forth, be good to them and so forth. But there is another category, that if you do not get along with them, then in

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that situation, you are not obligated. Listen to me very carefully. You're not obligated by Chautauqua to go and you must maintain a relationship with them. Now I'm gonna get in trouble by saying this so I'm gonna have to but I want to say it okay.

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Your in laws for example. Okay. So everyone's like, Ah, yes, finally, he's talking about in laws. Okay. So what about your in laws? Islamically speaking, okay. You know, when a when a husband says to his wife, I don't care how my mother is. You have to in have to get along with her. Okay. Islamically listen very carefully. Should she go and be good to her mother in law? Should a husband go and be good to his mother in law and father in law should a wife be good to her mother in law and father in law indeed Rasul Allah salah, some taught us that how he treated his in laws, because it was wa salam remember, he was the son in law to over a to a worker, he was the son in law to Amara

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the Allah Allah and he was a father in law to Earth man he was a father in law to I you know, the Allahu Allah and he taught us what does it mean to treat your in laws? And he also taught us what does it mean to be in the position of an in law? Like if I have my son in law, how do I treat my son in law? Like I'm not gonna go into details right now? But did you know that I need all the Allah who would come with the most private questions to the Prophet SAW Salem? Like questions that you Allah, He would never ask your own father Allah. But Allah Allah, He will come and ask very sensitive questions to the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam the Prophet says, some did not like, give him a

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slap Bishop, um, you know, get out of here. He never did that. But he just the point is that this is how the problem is taught us now but I will say this, what if there's a situation? They just don't get along at all? In that case, do you have to force one upon the other? No, you don't. Sometimes mother in law and daughter in law, they just don't see eye to eye on anything. At that time. It doesn't mean that she can go and be rude. It doesn't mean that she can go and become disrespectful. It doesn't mean that he can go become disrespectful. I've seen men I've heard men at times, telling their

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inlaws like as if they treat their wives as possessions. Your your daughter is mine. I can treat you however you want. No, this is not from our deen, this is your Johanna. This is your culture, your Jehovah Allah. This is not from our deen. The point is that when it comes to in laws, if there's a situation that where they just cannot get along, you cannot force a relationship or force one to go and get completely along with the other if their natures collide. Now, let's get to the next important part, and what situations how do you deal with family situations? And these are scenarios I'm bringing to you. I'm not just making up scenarios. These are real life scenarios, questions that

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have been asked to me several times. What if my family is committing haram? Okay, what if my family's company haram for example, I gotta call my child, okay, has engaged in a haram relationship. And now they are, they're going to get married to this person. So this is a woman who called me saying to me that my daughter is getting married to a a non Muslim man. What do I do in that kind of situation? Do I cut her off?

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What did she she cut her off? No. Dean says you cannot cut her off because she's one of the closest family members to you. She's your daughter. So whether it's the daughter or the son, it does not matter. These are I've heard also cases where my son is getting married to a. I mean, she's even a Muslim. She's not even a Kitabi. She's some she's beyond that. Okay, so in that situation? Do I cut off from my son? Do I cut off my daughter? The answer is no, you don't cut off. However, this is the subtle point here. You cannot support your family member in doing haram. So when that mother says, Should I go to their marriage? And should I be part of her marriage and her wedding? And I told her

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that no, you should not be why. Now, some people may say that, no, I think she should go show support. Perhaps you know, her husband may accept Islam and so forth. But once again, when you go and you show your support, even though she knows she's doing something that is haram, according to the book of Allah and the Sunnah of the prophets, I send them but when that mother goes, I advise that Mother, no, you should not go, you should not go be part of the wedding. However, remember that you tell your daughter, your daughter will call you or even this case, the Son, the call you and they ask you to come to the wedding, you don't go but you do let them know that you are there for

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them, you are still their mother. And if they need anything anytime in life, that you are there for them, you will you will help them out. They may come back to you one day, they may come back to the parents at that time the parent cannot say because you come into haram, I want nothing to do with you know, the parent should not do that at that time. But at the same time, you cannot support them in their haram endeavor. What about another situation?

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I got this call, my brother is engaged in a haram relationship. My sister or my sister is engaged in a haram relationship. And my sister wants me or my brother wants me to meet with my perhaps maybe my significant others. Basically, this is a man who is telling his brother, I want you to call me my girlfriend. Or it's the woman who's telling her sister, I want you to come with me my boyfriend these are I'm not making this up. This is happening will lie this is happening. So I told that sister in that particular situation, you can you you respectfully, you have to show that you don't support her in this because she is coming in Haram or you tell the brother, I don't I don't support

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you. And it's because you're coming in Haram, you want me to meet with that person, I will meet with them. Because they are a human being out of respect. I will meet with them. But I'm not in favor of this relationship. Now the same person says, Does my children have to meet with them? And here's where the tricky part is. When the children meet with them. See, as an adult, you may understand the situation. But put the children in that situation use tell. They're gonna say, oh, Who is that lady? And you said that? Well, he is she is the wife of your uncle. The first thing you know kids are smart. The first thing they're gonna say is Well, there was no Nikka there was no wedding. There was

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no shoddy. Okay, I don't remember anything like that. So then you said that well, okay, you know, she is his girlfriend. Oh, isn't that haram? How do you start explaining that to us into a child of that time? That's why it's best just keep the children out of it. Now, another serious situation it's a life it happens in many families. I have this is literally a person gave me a call me and said that my someone in my family they're not from my children. They're not of course not my husband not but someone from my siblings. Their child has been

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I'm transgender, okay. Now, they are asking, first of all, they have accepted that whether he has become a she or she has become a he doesn't matter at this point, but they have become transgender and they are, they are presenting themselves in the opposite gender from their biological gender. So in that situation, should I bring them to my home? Or should we go to their home? Should I allow my kids to be with them? Because they are cousins, then? Because my kids and their kids are cousins? Should I allow this or not? tricky question, tricky situation. There's no one straightforward answer. Here's why I told the sister in this particular situation, because once again, you don't

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want to expose your kids to these kinds of things. It's not easy. I've said this before. As adults, we can understand the nuances, we understand limitations and balances and so forth. But our kids don't understand this. How do you sit there and explain to your child that yeah, this is how your cousin is, they're gonna feel that you know what, if they can do it, I can do it too. So that is why I told the sister that know your kids, you have to respectfully tell your sibling that your kids will not be engaging with them. Now, it does not mean that if that person who identifies themselves as transgender if they come around, and they say, so I come in that situation, you have to respond

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to the salon. If they are coming and asking you a simple question, you have to be polite to them. They're a human being at the end of the day, but at the same time, you will not show them support. And you will not while other people in the family are saying that you know what we support them. And that's what's happening in many families, no matter what my child does, I support them in their decision. Well, if you support them in their decision, that's your choice. But you are responsible for Allah the Day of Judgment, but at the same time, you are not obligated, as an uncle or an auntie or, or an aunt, and so forth, that you have to agree to this. So once again, if there are things

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like this happening in our family, we can very nicely, respectfully take a backseat. But it doesn't mean that we are rude or disrespectful, or we hurt them in any situation. Now, a few other cases, I do have to mention, what if, what if I go, I've noticed that my brother or my sister, they're very

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abusive. Let's just say they're abusive, verbally abusive, for, for the most part, they are verbally abusive, not so much physically abusive. What if I went, I don't like to go to my brother's house, I don't like to go to my sister's house. But now the situation is they're inviting all of us, I have to keep it I have to maintain a relationship, should I go or not to my brother's house or sister's house, when I know that they may be abusive. In that situation. Of course, once again, brothers sisters, they are the closest members when it comes to members to your family, you should go. But at the same time, the problem is as salam has taught us, you don't let other people take advantage of

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you. When someone abuses you, you don't sit there and just take it over and over again. Because you know what happens? I've seen people, they take abuse, abuse, abuse, in the name of religion, that the province has taught us that we have to keep a tie and we have to, we have to always be good. But if someone is abusing you, verbally abusing you, physically abusing you, you don't have to become a doormat for someone else. You don't have to become a punching bag for someone else. Let's just say you went to someone's house, and all of a sudden they start becoming abusive, there is absolutely nothing wrong. If you pick up and you leave the house, you have to make it clear. If you don't have

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respect for yourself, remember this one rule of life, if you don't have respect for yourself, no one's gonna have respect for you, that is a Rule of Life will lie you have to keep in mind. If you don't have respect for yourself, if you feel that let him do whatever he wants that let her do and say whatever she wants. And I'm just going to take it over and over again, you have lost respect for yourself. And as a result, they're not going to have respect for you, you put down your foot and you say that if this is how the situation is respectfully, I don't need to be part of this kind of gathering. And next time, you are allowed Islamically to tell them that if this is how you're going

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to be I don't need to come at all. And if you refuse, and you say I want to stay away from my family for that reason, you're not doing anything that is wrong. Now, the next question is, what if my family members are toxic? You know, there are some situations that you go to their home and you come back and when you come back? You and your family are fighting with each other. There are just some people's homes, that every time you go to their home, when you come back, you're coming back fighting, okay? There's just something about their home. It's a toxic environment. So in that situation, what if that home that you're going to or what if that family member there are so toxic,

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they're affecting

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You physically, mentally, emotionally and so forth in that situation also, I'm not saying sever a complete cut off, but you can take a back seat and you can minimize the relationship. Finally, last question comes up often, what if I find out that they are performing sahur in black magic

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often comes up? What if they are performing black magic or Sahan? Kit? Should I do I have to go? And let me be very frequently say this, there are people who have come to me and they have told me, I have found out that my mother, or my mother in law is doing this.

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How do you how do you work around that kind of situation, it's a very difficult situation. First of all, is you have to make sure that you are 100% sure that they are doing black magic or Sahara. That means that you have gone to a rocky, you've done to you've gone to a person who is an expert in Rukia. They have told you that yes, 100% they are doing Sahara and black magic on you. And not only that, but I don't want to go details. There are some times there are signs of black magic, and so on and so forth. Now, if that is a situation, let's just say you get an invitation from your parents home. And you know that this happens in your parents home, or you get an invitation from your in

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laws. And you know that this happens in your in laws and you have 100% proof, you're 100% sure of it. In that case, you do not have to go and if you refuse to go if they say that you are doing something that is wrong against the Quran, sunnah. Let them say whatever they want to say because at the end of the day, our deen has never taught us that you put yourself in harm's way for the sake of others. No, you protect yourself and you protect your family pool and legal narrow. This is what we find in the Quran spiritually, physically, no matter what you've always protect yourself. So if there's a situation like this, you're 100% sure I'm not you have to remember, if you are not 100%

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Sure, and you are accusing them, this becomes a bulletin, this becomes a slander, you have to be careful about this. We have to be very careful about this. But if you're 100% Sure, you've asked many people who are in the field of Rukia. And they all have said that yes, there is some secret that is going on and so forth. Or let me say let me say this way, if you know that someone is coming into your home, this happens often to someone is coming into your home, and they are performing the sacred or the black magic, you have a full right to tell them you're not welcome inside my house. You have even if they are your parents, or your parent, your your father, or your mother or your

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father in law, it doesn't matter who it is your brother's sister does not matter. You can tell them that my house is off limits for you. You don't have to give them an explanation. You understand, you know what's going on, you know that they're coming inside your house and they're causing fitna inside your house, they don't you can very frankly tell them you're not allowed to come into my house. So and that's in that situation. There is nothing wrong in keeping a distant from in that relationship and keeping them far away in your relationship. So these are just some scenarios I had to cover inshallah I asked Allah subhana wa to help us in our family affairs. But once again, the

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four things I mentioned the beginning, those are the key principles. I ask Allah subhana wa to protect us a little bit Alameen deductible located Salam Alikum fibrocartilage

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