Three Languages Of Love
Channel: Muiz Bukhary
File Size: 15.26MB
A beautiful Nikah (wedding sermon) talk, delivered by Speaker In Colombo, Sri Lanka.
Salam Alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh
smilla rahmanir rahim al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen also leivo Selim while ashrafi lamea evil mousseline, and Avi you know what have you been our karate our unit Mohammed ebene Abdullah
Li he was the he of the lucidity term with the slim back for the fall along with abeka Diana for analyzes bad Voodoo Billahi min ash shaytani r rajim
Bismillah Ar Rahman AR or a woman see he and fall upon I
forsaken as Juan netus kuno la
Lita, schooner kuno Eli
man in fee the honey
all praise and thanks be to Almighty Allah subhanho wa Taala who is our Creator sustainer and nourish, protect and cure. We ask Allah subhana wa dialler to shower his choices of blessings and salutations upon our beloved prophet muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, his family members, his companions and all those who tread upon his path with utmost sincerity until the day of
May Allah azza wa jal make us all from the people of taqwa for Indeed, the people of taqwa are the ones who will be successful in this world as well as the hereafter. My dear respected elders and brothers in Islam in sha Allah Allah for today's talk,
I wish to focus on the ayah that I just recited and inshallah Dara the talk will revolve around this ayah we will try to explain this ayah word by word in shallow dialogue. So, to start off Eliza Virgil make his states in the novel called on the I just recited woman, Aya T and Holla Holla comin and fusi come as Raja and it is from His signs from the signs of Allah subhana wa ala and hello Carla come in and fusi come as wotja that he has created for you all, from within you, partners, spouses mates. So from the signs of Allah subhanho wa Taala what signs are Eliza Virgil, talking about? If you look around you you see so many of the signs of Allah subhana wa dialler and from this
we understand that they are the bounties and favors of Allah Subhana Allah dialler that he has the Virgil has conferred upon us there are numerous bounties and favors in another place. Alas, behind that what Allah states, what is it that I would do if I met a law Hina to sue her, if you were to try and count the blessings of Allah subhanho wa Taala you will not be able to do so you would fail to enumerate all of the blessings of Allah subhana wa dialler because indeed, the blessings of Allah are so numerous in number, if you look at your own self, your own body, you have so many blessings of Allah Subhana Allah present within you, when you look around you at the creations around you,
there are so many blessings of Allah subhanho wa Taala that many manifests itself right in front of your eyes. So from this, we understand that we are indebted. In other words, we need to tank a loss behind that what we need to show gratitude on to Allah subhana wa Taala for the numerous favors that he has conferred upon us. Now coming to the next few words. It is from His signs that he has created for you all from within you all made spouses. Now this is also a huge favor from Allah subhana wa dialler. In other words, marriage because if Allah behind them who had Allah had wished, he is the most powerful of all, He is the Creator, he could have created us, like certain bacteria, certain
Amoeba that Reaper reproduce by itself, with no need whatsoever towards a mate. certain bacteria reproduce by itself. It doesn't necessarily need a mate to reproduce. But Allah subhanho wa Taala out of his infinite wisdom and knowledge, He created us human beings in such a way that we are in need of a partner, we are in need of a spouse, we are in need of mates to reproduce. This is from the wisdom of Allah subhana wa Taala.
And why did Eliza Virgil do that? Lita, schooner, la ha Allah subhanho wa Taala himself states the reason so that you may have
Find tranquility by your spouses so that you may find peace by your spouse's. When Allah subhana wa tada created our father Adam alayhis Salatu was Salam. It was as if it was as if Adam Allah who salatu salam could not really be happy in Jenna without a spouse and the Allies the virgin created our mother, Hawaii aloha salatu wa sallam. It was as if Adam Allah who saw that was Salam was not complete without his better half until the last behind them what Allah created however, alayhi salatu was Salam. So the tests kuno ha ha, so that we may find peace, we may find tranquility by them, this is the purpose of Allah subhana wa dialler creating spouses and mates for us. And then
Allah azza wa jal goes on to mention a very, very important thing and this is the part where I will be focusing on inshallah data. Watch, I'll have been a goon Ma,
Ma. And then I was behind a dialer placed between you all, Mauer and Rama, two completely different things. Some people have misunderstood these two things to be one, but in reality, they're not one they're two completely different things. Let me first translate my word that is love. In other words, passionate love. Maota and urashima is mercy. We say Allah is Al Rahman, Allah is a Rahim. So Allah subhanho wa Taala has placed between us IE between ourselves and our spouses, love and mercy. So scholars Rahim Allah explain in other words, scholars of Tafseer they explain that an individual's marriage based on this ayah an individual's marriage consists of phases consists of
stages, and then you have modern day psychologist, marriage counselors, who state that an individual's marriage
more or less consists of five phases. Now, this is not a definite statement, nor is it a blanket statement. In other words, everybody's marriage does not come under this, but in general, it kind of makes sense. So I thought it worthwhile to mention it today. So certain psychologists state that an individual's marriage consists of five phases. Phase number one is the in love phase, the in love stage, that is when an individual is perhaps fixed, and is about to get married. Now he has,
you know, perhaps he has received information about the girl he is going to get married to, perhaps like the groom. Now, you know, I mean, just before the nikka, just before the Nika the few moments before the Nika This is known as the in love phase. And it's this phase where the two spouses start thinking about one another, they aren't keeping in touch but they're always thinking about one another counting the days you have certain people who keep updating their Facebook status as you know, six days to go four or five days to go for days to go. They're thinking about one another, this is the in love phase phase number one. And then what happens is this particular marriage this
relationship of the two spouses, they move on to phase number two, which is newlywed in a few minutes inshallah Allah after the groom signs on the dotted line, and after he utters the statements, which are relevant to Nika, he will move on to the newly wed phase. And at times, this phase is also known as the honeymoon phase. Now, this is a phase where the two spouses Now earlier they were thinking about one another, now it is as if they cannot do without one another. They always together, say, even if they go out, on a honeymoon, perhaps they never come out of the room, they always with one another, as if you know, you've got some super glue in between them, they're
pasted together, they're always together. This is the second phase, this is the newly wed phase.
After some time, this couple now moves on to the third phase. Now, this is a bit of a scary phase. And like I said, it's not a definite statement, it's not a blanket statement, it does not mean that every marriage goes through these phases, but in general, it makes sense. The third phase or stage is known as the disappointment phase,
the disappointment phase. Now, this is the phase where at times
the two spouses are exposed to certain flaws, certain mistakes that they did not predict, or they did not think that you know, my man wouldn't have thought that his wife has these certain flaws certain mistakes. Now, after the honeymoon phase and after some time, this particular phase comes along, where they are exposed to one another's faults and mistakes, but now this is a dangerous phase. Now from
Phase they need to quickly move on to the fourth phase, which is the adjustment phase. Now, in this phase, they understand one another, they accept one another with
their shortcomings. In other words, they accept an individual for who he or she is. In other words, the husband accepts his wife for who she is, and the wife accepts her husband for who he is with the shortcomings with the faults because after all, none of us we as human beings, we are created between alkota one Nishan between mistakes and forgetfulness, none of us, none of us are perfect, we are all you know, we all make mistakes. So it is upon us to accept one another in a relationship. If a girl or a woman were to wait for her prince charming to come, her flawless prince charming, that's never going to happen. And likewise, if a man were to wait for his Prince Charming to come, that's
also not going to happen. So the fourth stage is an adjustment stage where the two partners, the two spouses, they compromise they adjust to one another. Because what we need to understand, and I think this is a misconception that many youngsters have today is that marriage is all about love. You hear this many times that marriage is all about love. In reality, I'm sure the well seasoned individuals in the crowd who are married, they will attest to my statement saying that marriage is not only about love, yes, marriage does play a big role. In other words, love does play a big role in a marriage. But a marriage does not only consist of love, you have other elements to that contribute
to making a marriage complete, such as sacrifices, commitment, responsibility, compromising, you need to have all of these elements to make a marriage complete. And yes, of course, love is the center love plays a big role as we will come back to the IRA Allah subhanho wa Taala stated with Allah Vina kumada Allah has placed Love, love plays a big role, but then there are other elements that contribute to complete an individual's marriage. So fourth stage adjustment, where they start to adjust to one another, and then they move on, if they cross all of these stages, without any trouble or turbulence, they finally come to the last stage which is known as autopilot.
The autopilot stage, as you all know, when you
when a pilot takes off, for example, he puts the plane or the flight into autopilot, and then the plane, you know, cruises smoothly. Unless, of course, they go through air pockets or turbulence, then the pilot gets back in, you know, he controls it and once again, only when landing. So now if the marriage cruises smoothly through all of these four stages and reaches the final stage and hamdulillah with no issues, no problems, inshallah to Allah, the marriage will travel for an eternity in sha Allah tala. So that's the final stage. So the ayah highlights this, that an individual's relationship moves from stage to stage from phase to phase, from love to mercy. Now,
how do these two elements fit? Initially, it's hot, young, passionate love. But then say during the adjustment phase, when at times when a man sees certain things in his wife, or when a woman sees certain things in her husband, it is upon the element of aurasma Have mercy to come into play at that moment. In other words, the man needs to look at his wife and think, Oh, she is the mother of my children. She bombing so many children, she went through so many pregnancies. And then if you look at it from an overall sense, she looks after my house, she washes my clothes, she looks after my children. She keeps everything clean, neat and tidy. She cooks for me, she prepares food for me,
she does all of this whilst in reality, the Sharia does not demand any of this from her. She is not required to wash your clothes, look after your house. You know, keep your house clean, neat and tidy. She the Sharia does not require from her that she cooks for you know, you need to keep someone else for that you need to employ a maid or a servant for that. But then all of this she's doing it out of her own goodwill. So a man needs to look at his spouse from that perspective and have mercy upon her even though she may have a fault or two and then compromise, adjust and move forward. Likewise, a woman she needs to look at her husband and think he's the breadwinner. At the end of the
day. He goes out every single morning he he works hard. he strives hard and he comes back home with food. He looks after me. He looks after my children.
He keeps us happy he spends on us. He spends on me spends on my children. He does all of this. He is loyal to me he has not betrayed me all of these things. So the minute a tiny problem crops up a small albumen crops up before it blows out of proportion, it is upon the two spouses to take hold of this element of Rama and feel merciful towards one another. Then what happens is the minute the levels of love drop a little when you inject mercy, it recharges the levels of Mauer the back to 100%. And then the release relationship the marriage moves smoothly through the five stages that we just mentioned. Now coming back to the term Maota
Love is something that Allah subhanho wa Taala has created each and every one of us with you and I we have all been created with Allah, Allah subhanho wa Taala has created us in such a way we love our parents, we love our children, we love our spouses. If you look at the animal kingdom, you see the young ones loving their parents, and you see the animals that give birth loving their children, you have this this element of love Allah subhanho wa Taala has placed it amongst his creation. So it is upon us to love our spouses. So scholars and other experts, they state that love has three primary languages. So what is a language a language is something that an individual users to express
himself or herself. Now I am speaking to you all in English, and you understand me, all of you, you understand me because I'm expressing what I want to express what is in my mind what is in my head in English. And all of you, you understand me it is a matter of expressing oneself. So love has three important languages. In other words, you can express love through these three languages. Number one, very swiftly. Number one is romance. It's a very important element. And these days, when we counsel people who In other words,
husbands and wives who are going through perhaps a patch of trouble in their relationship, this is one of the main complaints that they come up with lack of romance. Like I said, stage number one stage number two Mashallah. It's all bubbly love, young, passionate love. But then when they progress on to stage number three, the levels of romance begin to deplete May Allah subhanahu wa taala protect our marriages. So it is important that we implement romance the primary language of love throughout our marriage and this is from the Sunnah of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam. Once it's a hobby, a companion asked Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam jasola Who do you love
Who do you love most? And you know what the reply of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam was? I love Ayesha the most.
Today how many of us how many of us acknowledge our wives as such? This is not something that also realized that Allahu Allah Selim said in the privacy of his room, no, a companion is coming in asking him how many of us talk about our better halves. Nowadays we don't we ignore them. But then Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he acknowledges and expresses his love that he had for eyeshadow de la Juana. He said the individual I love the most is Ayesha are the long line huh? Then there's a hobby the companion went on to ask Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam. Okay, Yasuda la so what about the men from the men who do you love the most? And then also the lies that a long
while you send them replied her father. In other words, his father in law, Abu back are the long line.
Now, did you know the way Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam replied he could have said abou back.
He said he could have said the individual I love the most from the men is Abubakar Ayala one but no look at the way he replied for a long while he was lm he said her father once again. He is attributing it to eyeshadow, the last one How do you see the Love You see, the way he's expressing his love crossover is that a long island was lm. So romance, romance can be expressed primarily
in verbal expressions. So it is upon us to express our love towards our spouses. By there's no harm in saying I love you often. Now, like I said, initially in the first two stages, there's a lot of I love you back and forth. You have WhatsApp, emoticons going around Smiley's the kissing Smiley's the hearts, the throbbing hearts, all of these beautiful things, but gradually as it progresses on to the third fourth stage those passionate
He says become quick pics and the quick pics become nods and you know when when an individual is on his laptop perhaps work working and if his wife were to come in he just nods at her. Now the kisses are gone, the pics are gone, the hugs are gone, the statements of love are gone. This is what results in the levels of love depleting in a marriage. And we see the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, whenever he for a long while he was amused to enter his house, his home used to make miswak and the scholars explained and he did that so that he could kiss his wife.
He could kiss his wife and he did not want to offend her, perhaps with a bad odor that may come out of his mouth he used to make miswak whenever he used to leave his home and go to domestic he used to kiss his wife and leave to domestic. He used to kiss his wife and leave to domestic this has been reported to us by eyeshadow, the long line. So what are the expressions? He used to call her very fondly? Yeah, I wish her name was Ayesha name was Ayesha he used to call her eyes, the eyes, a pet name, he used to call her Humira. I say this often in most of my lectures because it still hasn't come into practice in our country, especially in Colombia. He used to call her Humira. A pet name,
her name was not familiar. Her name was Ayesha used to call her Humira, which means a rosy cheeked one, a rosy cheeked one. Yeah, Humira. I said this the other day, too, but we notice here in Colombo, and perhaps the outskirts of Colombo is that we men
or even the sisters, they call their spouses using pronouns, our, our anger, and they use pronouns. So my question to the people who use pronouns is that is used spouse, just a pronoun just a third person in your life and that's it. So why can't be used sweet names? Look at this one. Now the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, we can call them honey, darling, Buttercup, cupcake, all kinds of names. These things increase the levels of love. This is from the Sunnah of the Prophet alayhi salaatu wa salam verbal expressions, saying I love you often calling them using sweet names. All of this is from the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam. So verbal expressions as well as
physical gestures. And in this video respected elders and brothers in Islam, you have two types. One is known as a spontaneous romance and another is known as a responsive romance. Spontaneous romance is when you do something without prompting without any prompting. Say for example, you come home and you see that your wife is tired and she couldn't cook you immediately order some food in or say you're on your way home. You buy a rose or a flower and just go gift it to her with no prompting not doing it just on a particular day, or a certain people do for Valentine's Day and for the anniversary and birthdays and all of these things. I'm not in support of that I'm talking about
random random gifts. You do it randomly this brings about love because it is surprised her it will surprise a tiny gift it does not have to be a diamond ring. It can be something cheap. It can be something simple, but still, it's the thought that counts. The sort of I said a long while he said him his report to have said the hat though the higher blue gift one another you will love one another gift one another you will love one another if you gift something, it will result in loved sprouting. So it is upon us to give our spouses once in a while and this is from the Sunnah of the Prophet alayhi salatu was Salam. Now responsive romance is when you respond to a certain
circumstance, a certain situation by an act of romance, say when you come home if your wife complains of a backache but there is no harm in giving her a back massage. If she complains of a perhaps her legs aching, there is no harm in giving her a foot massage. And perhaps the two spouses can sit facing one another and she can massage her husband's feet wise the husband can massage his wife's feet. This is you know, you scratch my back, I scratch your back. It's give and take after all. Marriage is a two way street. It's not a one way street, you give and you take you give respect you get respect you give love you get love. So the first language is romance. The second language My
dear respected elders and brothers in Islam is to spend quality time is to spend quality time with one another, especially with our spouses as well as our children. Our children need our presents more than our presents. Our children need our presents more than our presents more than our gifts. They need us so we need to be there for them, especially the ones who are businessmen who travel frequently. People who are away from home a lot. They must make time they must bring in a
Proper shedule where they spend quality time with their spouses, as well as their children, because later on my dear respected elders and brothers in Islam, after your child grows up, and after your child becomes busy, and when you become free at that time, you won't be able to spend time with them and then you will regret and then there is no point in crying over spilt milk. So it is upon us to spend as much as time possible with our spouses as well as our children, male us behind them what Allah help us all to do. So the final, most important language of romance, my dear respected elders and others in Islam is intimacy. This is also a complaint that we hear often intimacy, and I'm
talking about sexual intimacy. Now, this is not something that people generally go into a lot of explicit details, because people feel it is appropriate to do so. But then again, because people thought it in appropriate to discuss this matter, this matter became ignored. And today we have many couples complaining of this, and both sides are to be blamed at times.
The wife complains that her husband is not interested in her, or whenever he approaches her, it's just about sex. And it's about him attaining pleasure and then call us that's it. Oh, at times, you hear the complaint coming from the man where he states that whenever I want to indulge, she is not ready, and I don't
sense that positive reply from her. For this many respected elders and brothers in Islam. It is important that we understand how our mechanisms work, we need to understand that Allah Subhana Allah has created men differently, has created women differently. We are two separate creations of Allah Subhana who at the island, we need to understand how our mechanisms work, how our bodies work, imagine I am Rahim Allah, He is reputed to have said that Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam forbade men from indulging in perhaps sexual intercourse without proper foreplay. He said a long while he was enemies reporter have said in the narration goes along the lines of these words, a man
is not supposed to pounce on his wife like an animal. Before he does it, it is upon him to send a messenger now what is this messenger the messenger is foreplay, where you send messages that you are interested in, perhaps indulging in in in sexual intimacy, and then you carry on we are not supposed to behave like Bulls in a china shop. At times we meant we behave like that may Allah Subhana Allah protect us. At times we come home from work, we don't change, we don't refresh ourselves. We there is a bad odor coming from us. And we just pounce on our spouses expecting them to respond happily, this is not how we're supposed to do it. I mean, when you take the first two stages, they're so
excited. If you recall your honeymoon, I'm sure you must have used so many perfumes, so many mouth freshness. But then gradually as it goes down the line past a few stages, you know the two spouses they just lose interest in one another. This is why the levels of romance deplete so it is upon us to understand how our mechanisms work and act accordingly. A good example that psychologists as well as marriage counselors highlight is that a woman's body
is like an oven. And a man's body is like a microwave. I'm using in direct terms because I don't want to be explicit. A man's body is like a microwave and a woman's body is like an oven. In other words, a man's body heats up instantly heats up instantly a microwave you put in your cup of tea inside it's out within a minute it heats up East instantly. In other words, a man gets turned on very easily. On the other hand, a woman is like an oven it gradually heats up and the heat does not go very easily. So we need to understand how our mechanisms work and act accordingly. This is from the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. And it is very important that we maintain the
three C's in sexual intimacy. Number one, which is confidence, we need to maintain confidence in a sexual relationship both partners if they are not confident, then it will result in in ups and downs. Say for example, if the wife were to think that her husband is not very pleased with her, or if she is not confident of her finger, if she is not confident of herself, it's going to result in a rocky sexual intimacy May Allah subhanho wa Taala protect our marriages. So and it is upon as men not to comment sarcastically in regard to our spouses, because the minute we do that, it results in a puncture in the confidence of either one of the two spouses results.
In lack of confidence, so number one, confidence. Number two communication, there needs to be good communication. Say for example, if there's something that offends you in your spouse, there needs to be good communication for you to be able to communicate that across. Say, for example, if she does not like, the way you dress, when you come to bed, or if she does not like the bad odor that's coming out from your mouth, there is no point in biting your teeth, and indulging in a passionate kiss. There has to be good communication, where you can tell your husband or perhaps you can tell your wife, please, you know, why don't we go perhaps refresh ourselves? Why don't we use a mouth
freshener? Why don't we just brush our teeth and get back. So then it will result in good communication and good intimacy between the two spouses. The final scene My dear respected elders and brothers in Islam, with that I conclude in sha Allah, Allah is creativity. Creativity is very important. I mean, throughout your relationship, at times, things tend to become monotonous. And things tend to become
a routine, where perhaps both spouses know that even if they were to indulge in intimacy, this is how it works. This is how it will be in one minute in two minutes and three minutes, and it's all done and they go back to sleep. There needs to be a little bit of creativity, you know, perhaps creativity in terms of changing the environment, changing the positions, all of these things help in boosting the intimacy of a relationship. Like I said, people find it a little difficult to talk or awkward to talk about these things, but because it's not spoken about. It's resulting in marriages facing a lot of problems in this sector. So it is upon the scholars to educate the masses in regard
to this from the teachings of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. And one more thing in terms of creativity. That's why at times, marriage counselors highlight a lot that it is good for two spouses to take a vacation once in a while, because there is a change of environment because most of the time you spend in your bedroom. Now when they when you take a vacation, there is a change of environment that will also help boost the levels of intimacy in a relationship. So with that, we conclude We ask Allah subhanho wa Taala to protect our marriages, we ask Allah azza wa jal to forgive all of our sins except our good deeds. And may Allah subhanahu wa taala bless the marriage
that is about to take place in another few minutes. May He bless the two spouses may fill their hearts with pure love mercy and care for one another. May He bless them with beautiful children who will be obedient and who will also be a coolness to their eyes. And likewise May Allah subhanho wa Taala unite all of us just as how he united as here this beautiful Sunday afternoon in the gardens of Jenna with our beloved Master Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. I mean waka Yanan hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa hell