Ibrahim Nuhu – A-Z Of Tarbiyah – #01
AI: Summary ©
The speakers stress the importance of keeping family structures intact and the success of Islam's marriage practices, including the need for patience and learning to resist marriage. They emphasize the importance of financial capability and privacy to avoid issues in marriage. The host emphasizes the importance of staying healthy to avoid getting infected with the virus and thanks the speakers for their work.
AI: Summary ©
Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa Salatu was Salam ala Rasulillah he while earlier he was here to my a Salam alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatu. I would like to welcome all our viewers today for the first inaugural session of our new tarbiyah series that we are kick starting with our esteemed guest. Shake Doppler Brahim. No.
This is a very important series that we are going to be covering over a period of time inshallah. And it's going to cover the life of a person from the very getgo from their birth to the education that they receive their merit in life, and so on and so forth in all matters of that. So without further ado, let's begin. And we start off with a very basic question. What is therapy in the first place, and why is it important for us to even speak about it?
Rahim was salatu salam ala Rahmatullah Nina been our Habibi now Mohammed in sallallahu alayhi wa early he was so happy he was sending about
first of all, desert maloca and for making this a reality, I have been waiting for this moment for ages. So Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah, we managed to see the beginning of it and we ask Allah subhanaw taala to grant is good and Tofik and to help us say that which is correct and beneficial also to the Muslim community, wherever you are, they are from now on until the timer last March, I will inherit the earth and whosoever is found to be on Earth.
As it is mentioned by
as I hate that, this is one of the most important topic to be discussed in this contemporary time of ours. And tarbiyah. Answering the question given to me, in Arabic, they said, it is in shochet, Helen for Helen in a hottie at tema, me to gradually the gradual process of taking care of something, developing something step by step until the time it reached to its completion. And
that's what we do when we are giving tarbiyah to those who are under our our custody, for instance, the child, which will be the main focus of our Tobia, what are the means in relation to the child and children in general, is to give them what they need. Slowly, slowly, gradually, step by step until the time they grow to the level where they can do things by themselves, they don't need our help except from a distance. So this is in sha Allah, what Tobia is all about and this is what I guess we will be covering from time to time.
Inshallah,
when we talk about that, where you mentioned about children and the family unit, right, so, what is the importance of family unit, especially in today in 2022? When I would say maybe even the very fit of person is under attack. So how would we look at the family unit and the larger picture of the society?
And I believe, to answer this question, you know, we have to go back to the very beginning of the history, you know, if this matter is not the matter of importance, you know, Allah subhanaw taala, will will just create Adam Alayhis Salam, and let him live alone. But right after the creation of Adam Alayhis Salam, Allah has created his wife from him. It shows the unity and last month I did not assign a person from other creations you know, they were there, you know, you have the genes were there before human beings, please, we avoid the angels because they have, they don't share the same nature with us but are less genes they do share some of our nature. But alas, wanted did not bring
from the Djinns a wife to be the wife, I mean a person to be the wife of Adam, Melissa, he take out of him. Somebody of him to create his wife last Martina says it and halacha committed and full SQL mean for SQL. And that's the reason why the best opinion would no doubt marry in from the gin
is impermissible. Islamically. Although if you're talking about possibility, it's possible to have a y from gin. As far as possibility is concerned, it is possible but possibility doesn't legalize something. When it comes to the legal approach, then it is impermissible for somebody to do it as Mr. Malik mentioning some of his statements because if a woman is to claim that the child she has belonged to her gene husband, what would you do in the court you know, the judge would never have the courage to ask the husband to present itself
and all of this so Allah subhanaw taala brought
Out of Adam Alayhis Salam, a partner, somebody who is supposed to be having his wife. So that shows unity. So this family system is the integral part of the, what he call the human human growth and development, it needs to be preserved. That's why all of the efforts nowadays that the Western community are making Subhanallah to get rid of this family structure and to get rid of motherhood, you know, these are all, you know, ideas which will not serve human being in terms of bringing good to the, to the community at all. If you look at them deeper, as far as human nature is concerned, you will understand that this is not going to bring any good to the muscle, or to the community in
general, not just Muslim community, but to the community in general, whereby we grow human beings through the machines. And that's what we that's what we are here and nowadays, growing human beings through the the means of the Oracle machines. And so Hala, so we're not talking about halal and haram here. I'm sorry, we're not talking about
Yeah, whether it is halal or haram, but is it even within the objective of having human beings you know, together in one place, or it is against the human human nature? Yeah, so this topic is not about this, but smart Allah I sense evil approaching the world, if this is to be to be let taking place. Yeah, so it is so important to keep this family union, you know, intact, and I do believe human cannot succeed and survive properly in the way it should be done unless if the system is well preserved. And therefore, the most important topic, I believe, in this contemporary time to be discussed is, is the issue of the family, family ties, the nature of the family, and how to keep the
integrity of the family, and to live a very, very, very strong conservative life. But at the same time, also, adopting the modal system, the way will not contradict with the consumptive life
project. So if you're talking about the very family unit, the foundational unit of that family unit is the husband and the wife.
When we kick start our discussion right now, we can talk about establishing a family in the first place. And the question that we've received multiple times across different classes is, why is it so tough to get married today? Or why are people delaying marriage? You have people who are 3035, hitting 40, and they are still unmarried?
What would we comment on this? Why is it getting difficult? Yeah, several reasons. And today, subhanAllah, we are increasing these reasons, by legalizing a system which has nothing to do with you human growth, except to put it down. That's why maybe they are trying to promote this idea of having children through the machines, you know, this, like the way you produce good in the factories, and you're producing now children because they destroy the family system by having the same * marriages, you know, because they know they cannot reproduce, and they want to keep the population growth intact. So they have to go for the alternatives, you know, in the in the wrong
way, there is no family without a wife, and there is no family without husband. That's why
humans from day one, Allah subhanaw taala, when he created ad and even some scholar set on the same day, Hawa was created to show that life cannot be converted without having both of them in one place, cooperating, you know, to to make a success in life, and also at the time of Adam Alayhis Salam you know, something which cannot be legal in our, in our Sharia married, that
a person marrying his sister, you know, or somebody who is very close, related to him, but in terms of Adam, the system was okay, the person, you know, can marry his own sister. And you know, the case between the children, Adam, it was because of that, but Allah swatter made it legal because there is no way for human growth to be contained, continuous at that time, if Allah is going to keep the system in the way is hawan Adam, except if that marriage is legal, or otherwise, whatever you're going to generate from both of them, they will be related to each other right? Or else Allah subhanaw taala will create another person other than Adam, you know, another family and other family
and other family cracked above them. And then we can have that long distance of marriages but alas, monitor did not decree this to take place, a decree that the sauce will be added. For always the most. We see the wisdom nowadays also because some people they went out of this Petra, thinking that they have another song
Other than Adam Alayhis Salam. So Allah smarta kept one sauce, which is Adam Ali Salam known to everyone by the fitrah that we are from Adam and salam and away from Hawa Allah has set up
and and then when they have the children Allah's motto legalize the marriage between the two, although it is prohibited under Sharia, but in those days, they have no option except to go to go for it. So that's true importance of having what he called the marriage starting from from day one. And if you look at the Sunnah of the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam did it better than anybody else. And Allah subhanaw taala make marriage legal, because there is no way for human growth to be continuous except through the marriage. He himself or Celeste also married a lot. Until the time Allah smart Allah stopped him. The Companions as one of our
scholars was mentioning, he doesn't know any companion who has only one wife, they marry a marry as much as as they can. abdulai Massoud was saying Lola may have committed a murder denier.
He says if there is nothing left for the life of the dunya except 10 days is an and I have both told means financial capability to marry. It said I would definitely marry before the end of the dunya as only 10 days left, said I will not let myself go out of this life without having a wife. So this is a very, very, very, very important topic. But as you said, why some people they have to reach this old age without being
married. And subhanAllah several factors, you know, can contribute to this, some of them are related back to the person himself, some of them cultural practices, you know, so each and every one of them should be dealt with separately. And there are some who will not marry because they have certain objectives and goals to reach in this dunya before they marry, which caused them to delay in, in, when it comes to the brothers, it's quite easy to understand that because this cultural injustice is everywhere, whereby a man doesn't have any limitation he can marry as long as he has the money at any age. We have people at smila, the age of knockout retirements, you know, and even beyond that
they marry young people, and they accept to marry them, but a sister once he passed the age of 25. And then the choices she's she's having will begin to reduce at the end of the day, she might be forced to accept anybody, any anyhow. So that's why this factor is not good, you know,
to be to be used, especially for the sisters who are delayed the marriage because of the their education. And, And subhanAllah some of some of them
is not because of the education but the family is benefiting from that education. You know, I was reading a book written by one of the scholars about a lot looser Alosa is,
is crossing the age of marriage by by a system, the age of 25 According to the cultural practices, and he was mentioned in several reason that there have been depriving the sisters from from marriage, one of them is this benefit that the father and the mother are getting from the salary the daughter is, is generating from the education she had acquired. So that's why they will deprive her from marriage, they won't have to go for the education so that in the past, she'll be able to pass the money to them and smell law even after she gave them enough. Some of them they will not let her marry because they think if she goes to the husband, that money is going to be used by the husband
without them benefiting from it. So as I said, there are several factors, some of them from the person itself, some of them from the cultural practices, they have certain age, and some of them is none other than ignorant ignorance of the of the parent, for instance, nowadays you have so many young people who wants to marry and preserve themselves, but unfortunately the parent, they are not for it. They want them to do jihad visibile as one of them told me when he asked me about the my opinion concerning the marriage of his child do I think the child should marry or not? I told him yes, I believe any buddy who was studying in the university, especially those mixed university
should have his wife along with him. But he was telling me that this boy has to train himself in Jihad Villa jihad, he doesn't mean you had with the sword, but he's talking about patience. Yeah, you have to be patient, you have to learn how to resist And subhanAllah I was saying to myself, you are living with your wife, his mother or any other person, you know, you know, and you don't care about your child. So
Free,
doesn't care he is living, he tried his best to free himself from the slavery of the Azusa he's not suffering what the child is suffering, but he's telling that the child has to go through this the jihad. And so Allah in the past, it wasn't like that. Almost all of them they married at a very early age. But when it comes to the kids, whose marriage is more necessary than the marriage in the past, because in the past, you didn't have that entertainment and the distraction and all of these fritton that we have nowadays, but Subhanallah their opinion change, that they have to be patient, they have to educate themselves. And that's the reason why you have these tools in the universities
which, whereby a child will marry without informing the parent and have children and the parent did not know what what happened. And these are the good ones who went through satisfying that desire with a marriage. But there are others who will go for what is the father is there been happy that his child is mashallah busy with education, not knowing that they went in the wrong in the wrong way. So, there are so many factors that are contributing to this, but I believe none of them is
supposed to be used to contradict that advice of Rasulullah sallallahu ala Sama, for the young children to to marry. Because to close, although I talk a lot, but to close this, the prophets, Allah Sama, advise the young people to marry to marry since the age of 1560. Yeah, if you look at our life nowadays, if a person is to marry at this age, people consider this to be marriage, which is very, very early. You know, add to that also other factors that are contributing to depriving people at this age of marrying, because the law also in some countries will not, will not allow me to log on. That was going to be my next question. When is the right age to get married? Yeah, we
touched on it a bit. But I've had few discussions with a few brothers also on this. A common point that raises up is when they've approached their families to get married in one place. I'm talking about the early marriage, right? Not the late ones. They say they get two responses. One is, You're a pervert.
And the second is still you don't have enough money, you can't get married.
So how exactly I mean, that's the next question that I'm going to ask is, how exactly do you know that you are ready to get married?
Or what are the basic requirements that you must fulfill before you know you're ready to get married
or as soon as Allah Allah selama Cydia, Marcia Shabaab, manasota, mencoba trifoliate is a which is he talks to the youth and the youth is somebody who reaches the age of 16 1516. All the way to the age of 30. Or some scholar said to the age of 14, as a youth, any from 15 years, the prophets, Allah some advice wherever can afford a Ba, ba, ba, ba is a financial capability and also physically capable of approaching a wife sexually. These two things if somebody has them the prophets, Allah Sama, advise him to marry immediately as soon as he can do. And unfortunately, the financial capabilities nowadays has been exaggerated. That's why many of us were not able to marry any
starting from the MaHA which sometimes you think that you're going for holy? Yes, you so Hala even holiness, like I'm not like that Allah Sparta make it very cheap way for you to get them and those who are asking for a few kilograms.
The goal is enough, but sometimes you might need to sign a contract of continuous support to the family of, of the wife. And add to that, also the marriage responsibilities that that attached to it. You know, in some places that will leave by itself is exaggerated, you know, you're not thinking about the margarita but other expenses, which is which are attached to a marriage, what Islamically they have nothing to do with the marriage at all. But you know, that this person is not going to give you his daughter, unless if you sign an agreement that you're going to do all of these things.
It is not like a business, it is business transaction nowadays, that's why the tolerance is very little. And this affects the the vertical, the nature of the marriage afterwards, because Subhanallah the brother will be looking at his wife as a product he bought, no matter how much you try to convince him it is not like this, trust me, he is going to see her like a product, because that beauty that whatever causes him to marry her he will not be seen it afterwards. And then the intolerance is going to take place, especially when he remembers how much he spent, how much he struggled to please her parents and how much he struggled to please the community also and some of
them Subhanallah they will be indebted you know Subhanallah throughout the life they will be paying the debt of of that man
Ah, when does he has time to think about making wife happy, you know, whenever he looks at her and look at the expenses of that marriage, it will be too much for him, you know, to receive anything that goes against his interest from her. And that's why the rate of the divorce is at the increase in many of the Muslims or territories. So what I'm trying to say is the financial capability should be understood within the scale of the Sharia.
What is the financial capability, a person who can afford accommodation, this is the bare minimum, yada, yada, I'm talking about the minimum where a person is recommended to marry and you're gonna see with me that almost everyone can rally everyone can marry, if you want,
especially when I will keep my word everyone can manage Allah I can I can qualify that statement. If you have a job, you know, no matter how much literally is the job,
as long as you are going to manage what you have in properly, according to your level, you will find yourself being capable of manage as I said, as long as you can have something to
pay for your rent. And this one, rent is subjective, you know, where do you want to live? Look at your capacity and live according to what you can earn. There are houses you know at the time somebody is paying 1000 2000 3000 ringgit, there are houses way lesser than that. Yeah, although one room you know, one small kitchen, one small bathroom, it does, it is better for you to live in that situation. Consider any of us can in controlling your desire, not being evil to the community and to to yourself and who knows what you are enjoying in your life. You know, if you don't tell people the nature of your house, who knows? You and your wife, you can see how fast you can see the house. So
when you have something to rent a house with, and something also that you can buy food to eat you and your WHY NOT to reach their
peak of satisfaction, something that can sustain you and your way, without exaggeration, you are invited by Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam to to marry. That's why Rasulullah is a lovely cinema. When he talks about who to marry. The prophets Allah sama said Allah can build a car for him the one of one one Takahama what are the Willacy he said when you decide to marry, marry a virgin, and go, Why? Because he's too young. She's not exposed to evil that much. Allah Allah is looking maybe in the past, but nowadays, Hala, due to the lack of the Tobia they have more words, more exposure to evil than those people who are or the matron and living at home. But the system remains
you still have, you know, those people who are not affected with this contaminated kind of live we're living in. So the prophets, Allah Azza wa said, Mary from the Virgin people and the sisters, but you don't have one. When they speak, they speak in a nice way. Without bad words, and all of these evil and ad talk, they don't get engaged in something which is not appropriate. And also, one Takahama the womb is free. You know, nobody ever had a relationship with her. So it's clean, or RWC. And they're more likely, you know, to agree to live with you according to your capability than the one who knows what she is looking for. Because a younger person, usually, you have to sit down and
design the kind of life you want to live live with her other than somebody who used to be with another person. She knows what she's looking forward to use with. She's already used to say to somebody somebody else. So when it comes to the financial capability, exaggeration is to be removed. As I said, everyone is going to be capable of marriage. That's why in the time of Rasul Allah, so somebody married with Quran and Sunnah Allah He went back to his house, he couldn't find a single thing to pay for them. Ah, yeah, they don't go too far. I live in Avatar, but he married the daughter of Rasulullah sallallahu sallam, he is also was suffering from poverty. So last last time,
I told him, what happened to that shield and armor we gave you during one after one of the battles. Is it still there? He said, Yes. So why can't you just give heavies as a woman? What can she do with it? You know, but this is the daughter of Rasul Allah Azza. Man, this is the this is the MaHA pillow. And that one who married for what for Islam?
Boo Boo selama. Eman is almost lame. What is the MaHA his Islam? And she said she doesn't mind and the prophets Allah so marriage that that marriage, you know, and you have across the history, all of this, you know, subhanAllah attitude and good behaviors that are supposed to be encouraged and up to our time. Also, we have some of the approaches. In this way. Some people might say that, no, that person might disrespect your daughter if you make the MA very cheap. And this is actually wrong way of thinking. Because as a father, I'm supposed to be very, very selective and picky when it comes to choosing somebody who to be the husband to my to my daughter, so if I choose the right choice, he
will never be
that person that we are thinking of him being he will be like that person who was mentioned by saving and disabled. He says whenever you marry your daughter to somebody, make sure that you gave her to the righteous person. He said, because he's the only one whenever he loves her, he will honor her. And if she doesn't like her, he will not disrespect. She will not hear that words that yes, you are very cheap. Your father just gave me this and that they would never do in the past. They do it and they take it as an honor. That's why whenever he decided to take action negatively against her the first thing that will come to his mind, how much the father respected him, and he did not make
their marriage as a business. He actually collected something from him just because you cannot make legal without having the husband Mr. If not,
if not, that we cannot take the we cannot have the marriage without man, he would just give the data free of charge. So back to the topic shakes I what I'm saying is if we look into the Sunnah of the Prophet a lot, some financial capability has nothing to do with the exaggeration that we're doing nowadays. The point is to have something that can accommodate you and your family. And something that can Subhan Allah fulfill your desire in terms of hunger, when you're hungry, you have something to eat to strengthen your backbone, you and you and your wife and conceal your affairs until the time Allah subhanaw taala grant you
risk and you are a bit more, more and more. So if we are doing this way the line as everyone can fulfill this will see of the Prophet sallallahu Sallam as for those people who have no job yet,
it is the responsibility of the parent to get the merit. You mentioned something about the responses we get from the from the parents, unfortunately, those responses are not supposed to be there. Because as a father, if Allah subhanaw taala, grant me some extension in risk exists the right of my child to get him married, and to pay for the expenses of the marriage. It is his right when he is married for the first time. It is the right of my child. The scholar said this is part of the Africa, I have to support that marriage, And subhanAllah What is it more beautiful than this, I am rich, I prefer to pay for the expenses of the marriage. And he married I conceal his affairs, either
he stays with us, the ones who I hire, rent a house for him, I support him.
Meanwhile, almost I do, I take him of her business, put him in the business, train him how to live, tell him, Son, I'm going to support your marriage. And I'm going to support your life from now until the end of the month, for instance, until the end of the year. But I'm not going to leave, I'm not going to leave you alone, I'm going to support you to be able to depend on yourself. So come let's do the business together, or give him some money to invest and monitor him and help him so how Allah big before the end of the year, you will find him being responsible because marriage usually bring about a person to his consciousness. That's why from time to time you see a person who is counted as
a loser in our community. But after the marriage, you see different a different different case. So that sense of responsibility with the support of the parent, be the light as the child will be able in a very short period of time to take care of himself without being laid off of the parent. But unfortunately, we don't go with this. We want to go with the modern kind of thinking which is not supporting the family structure and not supporting any any any good life, that our children have to finish their education, no matter what you know, before they think of our marriage which Hala, we are receiving the evil consequence of that when people before they graduate. You already know what
is going on in our universities, especially as I said, the private institution where the supervision of the authorities not that is not that much.
Building on the topic that we are having on financial capabilities. We also see that on one end of the spectrum when it comes to Mahara and marriage expenses, you have people who exaggerate a lot. But then there's the other side of the spectrum that says just get married. And then Allah will send his blessings. And I think at times it's taken a bit out of context or misunderstood what that even means. And we touched upon it here right now a bit but if you could elaborate a bit more like on the Quranic I had with regards to getting married. Yes, it's not about just getting married the promise a lot of similar says Minnesota mencoba athletes is a watch, wherever can afford a BA, which is a
financial capability, and also physical ability to approach a wife sexually Rasul Allah sama said he should marry if you can do that, then the prophets Allah sama gave that person on the way out which is to first call in the visa holism of a no,
no, no, which are the professor like this, and I said, so we shouldn't take it out of it or a context whereby you just tell the person just marry but it doesn't. It doesn't count like that, man.
Rena bring in a burden upon himself, although Allah subhanaw taala says,
well, thank you who I am, I mean Kamasan him anybody come, I mean everybody come my email,
Alas, my heart disease you should let I am an income married. And this is one of the support also to that fact been mentioned by the scholars that it is the responsibility of the of the family to let the child marry and to pay for the expenses if he needs to, if you need to marry. So Allah subhanaw taala says, let them marry in your corner for Cara you're gonna have Allah Amin from the right, it doesn't mean that the person should sit down just because he married and then think that Allah smart is going to open the doors just like that without making any effort. No, we're talking about somebody who is not having that much. But that's financial capability is there according to his own
level, a level and also he can take care of the wife, although it is not in the way most of the people can do. But he can take care of why financially, then he is invited by the Sharia, to marry as for somebody who cannot afford this financial capability, and also, or he cannot physically approach.
Record a wife, the prophets Allah sama gave him another way out which if he practice it correctly, you will have an impact in sha Allah, in protecting him from following his sexual desire. But unfortunately, even that
way out given to us have been what he called the mean misinterpreted. Because up to date, people are suffering, although they fast, but the desire is still there.
And why do we have this situation whereby we don't see the benefit of that fasting the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam advises to do first of all, because we don't do it in the way that Allah say, Allahu Allahu selama used to, is to do it, you either eat too much, or you eat very lightly. But unfortunately, you live in the middle of the fifth. It doesn't work, you know, you can't tie a person and throw him in a river. And tell him yada, yada and build my econ. It doesn't work. You bring a person in the middle of the fitna. No, no, I will walk, you know, he has to support that Dr. To be effective. He has to support support that fast and to be to be effective, like that boy who
was placed in the middle of sisters in the school. And when the when the discipline department asked him, Why are you reported by your teacher, he said, I love the teacher was right, because the teacher was complaining that this boy is not focusing in the class. And his argument. He said, and this is in grade eight, it says
this teacher, she was right when she said I'm not focusing. But then he said, I did something wrong in the class. And she took me and put me in the middle of the sisters. He said I lost focus. He said that was the reason why I couldn't focus on the class, you know, is going with the nature. So you live in the university, which is absolutely free for people to do whatever they want. And at the same time you say you will fast and never set a place where this this work at all, all the questions that comes to me from people who are suffering from this evil thing, they will have been telling me that we have been fasting but it doesn't, it doesn't work. Of course, it will never work because
you're living in the middle of the fitna. And you're not supporting the fast to be effective in in, in any way. So back to the question Nash insight, this financial capability is a condition, you know, in that recommendation of the Prophet salallahu Alaihe salam to be effective when a person is capable, without exaggeration, and the prophets Allah some advise him to to marry. And you have actually worse than that people who are suffering suffering suffering from the financing or they're not able actually to feed their current family, but then tomorrow, you will see him marine marine again, you know, we have these issues a lot, you know, yeah, although it's halal to do, but a person
should think, you know, why, why is the you know, think about how to support the current family first, and then move forward to bring in other family. We're not saying like what some people are saying Allah subhanaw taala guide them they're trying to ban it's actually to make it impermissible unless if a person has a certain amount of money, then he can go for that. No, we don't restrict the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu Sallam it is kept in the way is when the first and the second marriage are equal, in terms of a recommendation and a promise a law some advise you to be able financially first, and then you go for it without exaggeration, you know, without exaggeration. So
just to summarize that in terms of the minimum financial capability that a person should have, one is enough to put a roof over the person's head. Second is enough to feed the two of them. Yes, that's it. That's it. That's That's it. As long as he can have him in the house, they're going to sleep on a mat. It's okay. That's way better than him going to stretch his eyes, you know, on something that is haram operation and also here
And him in the society committee in Xena where everyone is going to be talking about, about him. That's why when it comes to marriage, a person shouldn't listen to anyone what to put in your house, it's up to him and his family. You know, so hello, I know one of my old students, he has been struggling with his with his parents. And he used to tell them, I just want you to support my marriage, if I can have a room that I can stay with the wife is more than enough for me, I don't want all of those expensive things, you know, in the house, so I don't want I just want something that can help me to, to conceal my offense and to control my desire. And to put it in the right way
as to highlight the parent, they don't want to listen to this. No, you have to be financially capable to what is financial capability for them. You can buy big house, you can even if you're in the house, but you can provide all the furnitures according to the standard of the family. And that will take him a long time. If he doesn't, you know, control his emotions smartly you end up going to do what Allah smarter doesn't want him to do. And so Hala is I have situations whereby a person will tell me I reach a condition whereby I cannot be patient. If I accept to be patient for a moment, trust me, I'm going to commit.
Brother, can you be patient your time? Well, I can't I live in a place I know, I cannot if I tell you I can do it, I'm lying. Now is it obligated upon me to obey my parents, I have to go and marry Islamically he has to go and marry even if his parents are not quite, because what the parents are doing is impermissible Islamically. If you commit the Zina, although the sin is on him, and they get the portion of it also, And subhanAllah, because they get the sin because they don't help you. And they don't allow you to marry actually.
Because in most instances, the parents are not supporting the marriage. And they are not signing for it. And they're not agreeing for it. Yeah, he just has to wait. You know, there are some who imagine the family to him. This one he managed, you know, when you see a child, tell him his father, his uncle, his grandfather, Dad, Uncle, I cannot be patient, you know, when he reached this situation, that he can be very straightforward to talk to the Father like this, you know how much this guy is, is in trouble? Yeah. But they told him, You don't want it. What he told him, they said, This is your business, not our business. He told them I'm going to come as in, they said, This is your business.
In so Hala. And what will happen in this case, you see the child going to marry without informing them. And sometimes they have children and the parent did not even know about, about the marriage. And if you have this in the brothers, it's okay. But we have sisters married without informing the, the parent and why this is happening because the family of very rigid, she has to wait, or she has to marry somebody from the family. And she cannot marry from even the country, you know, colleagues, you know, he has to be from the family. And she doesn't want that happens.
So that's why they will insist we will not agree. And at the end of the day, she will go look for somebody who doesn't fit Allah subhanaw taala to arrange to arrange the marriage. You know, I remember, I had
a case that was brought to me or not mentioned the country, but they you know, these type of places where this is really, really rooted, and part of the culture which people are not willing to get rid of it up to this moment. But these two, two, I don't know how to call them spouses or, you know, they don't know how to call them because that marriage doesn't exist. Islamically.
But any Subhanallah they were sent to me by somebody, because they're having clash in that marriage. He said, Go and meet so and so. And they came to me when they came to my office, I realized that I taught this person in secondary school. So I was asking how did you know each other, you know, subhanAllah, she told me because this her sister, her older sister face difficulty. And I remember when they're older sister in the secondary, both of them, I told them in the secondary school, as well as she came to my office crying. And she told me, she lost ideas, how to ideas and how to confront her parents because now she wants to marry you. And she knows there is no way for the
parent to agree with somebody who is from the same country not from the family.
So what to do, she doesn't know what to do. So I know the history of the eldest sister. So unless she has some, you know, kind of thinking of how to please the parent and to make them convinced she said I know I will not succeed because my previous sisters also didn't succeed. But I'm thinking of having a way to convince them. But the younger sisters, they have more options, more choices, you know than the oldest one. That's why that one goes with the parent but this one she did not think of going to the parents because what she knows from them that if she's to marry somebody else without
that permission, she might lose her life. So she went to somebody in the masjid brought the guy who she want from the same country. They arranged the marriage for life. To my knowledge. I think nobody knows about this marriage except she and that boy, but the family, none of them knows about the patient. They don't know. I don't know about that. But since the time they came to me, nobody knows about that. If there is any, it was the elder sister who came to realize that this girl is married to somebody else. And even I myself I know, because they came to me for reconciliation. It took me more than four hours to convince them that this marriage is about
basically committing Zina, yes. If not, we, even if we don't say they're committing Zina, because that is a show of some scholars saying that a girl can arrange her own marriage. You know, if we look into this, then you don't call them. Zina. You know, we say this is Shabbat marriage. But Islamically according to the vast majority of the scholars based on the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu sallam, that was illegal marriage, you know, I had to resort to threaten them, that the law in the country where you're living doesn't accept this. And if you're not careful, the consequence is going to be heavy. This is the time they started listening to me. Otherwise, both of
them are not willing to agree that the marriage is not, is not is not legal. And it's what I'm trying to say, Why? Why did she actually get to be pushed to marry somebody without knowing and notifying the parents because the parents are very rigid in terms of maintaining the culture, not looking at the fact that daughter is a danger of marriage and she needs to marry somebody who she loves, you know, she believes that she can go with peacefully, Allah grant is good, and
you just miss a very Subhanallah painful topic that has a very long tail. And this is just about tarbiyah. So we cannot
go deeper and deeper.
Just building on the statement itself, like we mentioned how nationality played a huge part. So if a person is looking to get married, what should they be looking for in the first place in their spouse?
Islam has made it very easy. Although you have differences of opinion in terms of compatibility, alpha they call it in Arabic, but Islam has made it very easy that Kapha that can only be proven through the Quran and the Sunnah, is the religious Kapha. De
culture has no impact in marriages, color, language, country, race and whatever doesn't have any impact. What Islam asked you to focus on is the D and the minus y both unnecessary although if you say the deen is more than enough, but why do we need to emphasize on the manners because you know, I'm telling you the truth sometimes you see people in the masjid Masha Allah, they are like, the companions of the prophets, Allah is Allah in terms of taekwon righteousness, but when you meet them out of the masjid Subhanallah they will research USA Abuja actually is more lenient sometimes then. And those ones you know, so we, we have different phases, a place in the masjid and phase out of the
Masjid. You have a person who is very good to Allah subhanho wa Taala but when it comes to his dealing with human human beings is very rough and very harsh. And you have even from our brothers you know, so Allah when it comes to righteousness, they're very good. Their religion is very sound, you know, they practice religion, perfectly trying to follow the Sunnah of the Prophet Allah so when it comes to the by that but when it comes to them more AMOLED with others, there are different different personalities. So that's why these two elements are necessary in marriage. And this is where Islam asked you to focus on D.
And, and Manas. If these are fulfilled, then the evening law as well as the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam are set to uncouple Morocco, Leandra Lee Jamal Illimani. How well it has to be heavily Jamal, yeah, well, Delia, he says there are four bases of marriage, you know, people marry based on four different things, either because of the beauty, or because of the wealth, or because of the position or because of the religion
and Subhanallah which one is taking the vast majority of our choice the beach, and then you come to the wealthy come to the position, but the deed is at the, the minimum that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam I said Allah can be that Dean tell you where to take somebody who has D, you will never regret and you will be successful in this life. And he told the parent that attacco mentor bola Deena, a hula hoop as a widow, in letter follow to confirm that all of a sudden Carrie is whenever you receive somebody who you are happy with his religion.
And also you're happy with his mother's looking for the hand of your daughter, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam I said that he marry a doctor otherwise, there's going to be a great fit known on earth and we are suffering from the low consequence of not adhering
To the advice of Rasulullah sallallahu sallam, unfortunately, how many times you see a girl, half is adequate Avila very dedicated to the education, but she is married to somebody who is a loser, but he has the wealth of money. And at the end of the day, she lost all of these values, she became a Kamala sometimes against those people who are practicing practicing Islam. So this is injustice and unfairness against the sisters, although she's happy. But what is the point of view being a father, if you don't think properly when you are giving her to somebody who might lead to an inherent change in you know, the proper way that she used to date with Allah subhanaw taala. And so what we should
look for, is the deen and righteousness, you know, all of these cultural practice, they're supposed to be kept kept aside, as long as the deen is okay. And manners and attitudes are okay, with the law as the origin life is going to be to be okay. Before I give you back the mic, then something which I hear a lot that people are saying, If you married somebody who is not from your culture, there's got to be a lot of problems, a lot of issues. The only question that I always ask the the owners, or the sales of this issue is like, do we have divorce? When you marry from the same person in the same country and divorce on all sides, all sides, you have the divorce? Do we have problems.
When a person marry from the same country, do we have problems. And actually, if we are going to be honest, in our analysis, you will see the problem that exists when you are married somebody from your country, they are more than the problem that exists when you're married from somebody who is different from your country. Because that kind of prestige is still there. This one she believes see me and you are all equal, you know, coming from the same place, you have nothing to show. But if she's coming from another side of the world, and you come from another side, both of you that level of respect is still there. It is it is more interesting, actually naturally, even in the community,
they found your marriage more interesting than other than other marriages. So we shouldn't actually try to cover our deficiency by rejecting something which are made made hard. I'm not saying this one is better than the other one. But I see them equal. And if I'm going to prefer, I prefer marrying somebody from out of your country than married from inside the country, all of those cultural barriers that people are mentioned, to be making life difficult between the husband and wife, honestly speaking, I don't my own personal analysis, and what I see, you know, is suggesting the otherwise, because I see divorce taking place in almost every place. And it's at the increase, you
know, and I see if you are to see the rate of the divorce. On the other hand, you know, it's the the minimum and the level of respect and happy life, you know, that you you see in the marriage, when people are different, is much more than when they marry from the same the same country. As I said, I'm not saying which one is better, but I'm just saying people shouldn't cover the deficiency that exists in our own approach by rejecting something that Sharia make make halal. So compatibility in Islam is based on religion only religion only, as long as the wife is happy with that person, the girl agree and the husband also the boy agree, and both the family agree with that then that is
nothing left. And if we have these to agree, the parent their role in this marriage is just to check about the behavior of both of them in terms of religion and the day after that they have to sign the way the wife look like it's not their business. You know, nowadays, I have some cultures that I need to present the
future the bride to the Father, he has to see first and make his own analysis. My brothers also they have to tell me whether she's okay or not. No problem my mother and sisters they're gonna they're gonna see but my brothers have to see maybe cousins also the watchman
if they're smart, they should go before me actually the next day when I go to the marriage ceremony, they they will be announcing somebody else taking taking her not not me that will be very okay you know, I don't see any connection you know, why do I need to present the one that I want to marry to my parents they have to approve for us that the physical appearance of this girl is okay. You know and the you know, beauty and ugliness is subjective. What I see to be beautiful Zahid my spirit when he says it maybe you might run it was it seems to be beautiful. When I see it, I might say oh, the bIllahi min. Shamanism. You know, this is this is very normal. That's why they said when it comes to
looking for the person who you want to marry, you don't have agent in that. You have to do it manually and literally you yourself because what you accept to live with, somebody might not accept it but this is their business because this is going to stay with you. Not with
To pursue Lhasa Lhasa ask you to see whether you can see something that can attract you to marry? And does it not your parent their concern, you know this is them you agree with that they should just pray for success, you know, for the marriage to succeed, inshallah rather than being in the negative way just because they don't agree with the way that the goal looks like or the way she speaks as long as you agree with that then that should be their last monitor that grant us could I mean, I mean, I think when we're talking about compatibility in the team itself, like is there any basic standard of practicing the that we look at? Because if you have people who would come and say
that, you can't be asking too many questions like how many times do you pray?
We pray three times a day. Actually, you don't need to ask those questions. This is also one of the mistakes we are doing. You know, and I don't know why people cannot understand this concept properly. This point is misunderstood by many, you know, when we say that, throughout the Sharia, you will not see a place where the prophets, Allah Azza wa recommends that you have to sit with the future wife and discuss the matters of Righteousness. Who are you who is this and that it doesn't exist, reemphasize on, you do in your own personal research to get about to get to know about her who she is we get all this information from others, not from her. And imagine a person you call him
or her? How are you?
religiously? Are you okay? No, I'm not okay. Who will say this, even if she's the worst, he's the worst person, he will say I'm okay, you know, so that's why we don't get the information about them from them.
We get it from from outside, because outside is going to be biased. They should talk, you know precisely about what they know, in terms of religious practices. And what they are, does not the person has to be honest, he has to say what they know about their religious practices, they pray, they fast, all of those things that are watched by the idea and an insane you know, something that is obligated upon the person to do it. At the individual level Allah spot is looking at who does it and who doesn't do, you know, she does pray to Allah smarter five times in a day and she wears her hijab properly, you know, and she's obedient to the parents, you know, and she's kind to the people,
these normal things without going into the deeper and deeper you check from the community. Yeah, this person is dedicated to the religion without any exaggeration, this is more than enough for a person to build a relationship with this. With this one. Other matters could be developed from time, from time to, from time to time, so we don't get information about a person from from himself. And this is what I call joke, a person insisting that I want to marry this person, but I have to know who he is from Him. This one, I call it a joke. Because there is no way for a woman or for a man to know about their partners before the marriage, this is almost impossible. Because what happens is I
sit with her she sit with with me, you know, we're going to marry each other and we talk too much. I will be mentioned mentioning things which are all suggestions of what I wanted to have when I live with her. Because I want to stay with her. So I will talk about the beauty of life and you know, things which I believe she will be interested in having an exaggeration. So when when when the marriage happens, I cannot live 24 hours, disguising myself the true picture of myself is going to appear with I like it or not. And this is when she will start sensing that I cheated her reality, I did not cheat. She was the one who cheated herself when she trusts me in my statement before the
marriage, this happens that I hear a lot this disappointment, the girl is complaining and the man also is complaining. He told me this, she told me this. Yeah, but Islam doesn't focus on this, Islam says you should check about her religion, his religion, if everything is fine, and the man is fine, just go when you marry, the religion will protect them in sha Allah from doing something which is not going to make you unhappy, if there is religion being eaten alive, each one of them will know his limitations. So in the in the marriage, she will know what to do to make the husband happy, and he will know what to do to make her happy. So they will be controlled by by the religion rather than
basing the marriage and promises Would you accept this? Would you accept that how many times the brother told the sister I will not marry the second wife after a few days and then he called a chef. I promised her not to marry but now I want to work next. And then de facto will come call us up they say that this and that and then the wife will never agree because he told her I will not do it. How many times he told her I would never move from this place to another place. And later on. It appears that he wants he needs to move and that it will become an issue between between her and him and also her family as well. That's why I always advise the people who are married. Do not accept any
condition. Be very honest in your marriage, and not to accept any condition that is coming from anyone
Accept the condition that is set up by Allah subhanho wa taala. Which marriage cannot happen without the fulfillment, fulfillment of those of those conditions? Are you going to do this and that tell the islands? No, even if you plan not to do it, do not accept it as a condition because you don't know what will happen in the future. People change today, you don't like it. But tomorrow, something will come and you want to do it. But that obstacle is there. And it will mess up your relationship between you and your wife. So the first phase not to promise even if you know you will not do it, and you plan not to do it. But to make it as a condition tell them no, I don't want this. Because I
don't control my life. Allah's motor control controls it. For the time being, I'm not thinking about it. I did not even marry yet. So I want to secure this marriage for so let this marry and who Allah's mantra to grant us good and happiness in in our marriage. This is a very important question that comes up time and time again. How do you marry a person who you don't know at all? So that's why this question. I need to know more about them. And then we are saying you want to know about person? Yeah, get married. But there's there's a leap of faith happening. Yeah. How do you navigate that? Yeah, that's, that's not you have to be realistic in whatever you're doing. We don't pick up
live anyhow, we need to look into the environment and see the way Allah smart Allah put the system, this system in this dunya has, has a process you know, and it is based on
superlock sophisticated, you know, designed the way Allah smarter put everything is according to a system that Alas martela plan to be in, I don't know how to put it properly. But I just want to say that this life is based on a system, which allows martela created, which if you violate the system, you're going to pay the pay the price. So that's why it is always better to look into what is going to be natural not to introduce your own system, which is not yet to be to be tested, you know, you will be the first person to test it to see whether it works or not, you know, if I want to marry, I should look into the system. How does it work?
This person talked to his future wife, that this is who am I? And she also tell them who she is, you know, and this is our plan. But usually, this appointment is taking place after the marriage. Usually, he wasn't supposed to be like this. And she sees after the marriage, so many things which she never thought to see them. So I say she's the one who deceived herself, because she believes she can know about him. In every sense before the marriage. This is not true. Because it's the best relationship. Yeah, this is not true, it cannot happen. But when they live together, they will stay 24 hours sometimes together. This is when the true image of each and every one of them is going to
be portrayed. That's why Islam, you know, which is divinely given religion from Allah subhanaw taala did not ask you to have those sittings. And talk too much about who are you? What do you want you to what is your plan and all of these things. I'm not saying they are wrong Islamically. But I'm just saying they're not realistic. What Islam asks you to focus more on is the religious part of this person, because this will ensure the protection of your right after the marriage, and also ensure that if this person has manners, may even
in all of his approaches in that marriage, you will be making sure that he makes you happy, from time to time, you're worried is something for him, you're feeling your emotional feelings, they're really something for him, which he takes it as his responsibility to be to be preserved. If you talk about the I mean, if you focus on the way he speaks, the way he dressed, and the way he's taking things, you know, and these are the motivating factors, you know, that bring you to that marriage, at the end of the day when that man change, which he will most likely change in the future, a person will regret. So that's why Islam did not ask you to focus on those shallow things, it asked you to
focus on that which will ensure the protection of your right in the future. And that is none other than religion and good manners. Yeah, other than that, you will see who this person is when the marriage when the marriage happened. And if the religion is there, he will try his best not to make alas Mattila angry with him. And this is very, very, very important to have your daughter being at the hand of somebody who thinks about what Allah smarter will question him about in in the sense of his relationship with her before what the parents will talk to him about it. So when he feels a lot smarter, he knows that the consequences are going to be very heavy, because the wife is like a
slave.
Whether we like your order, like if she's like a slave when she comes to to the husband, because
I mean, before the marriage, she has the freedom to go wherever she wants and all of these things born she comes under his custody. Now she has like his permission from this and that, you know, she's, I mean somehow tighten and restricted to somebody else's desire.
As an interest, that's why Islam is focusing on that relationship that you have in with her. You hurt her, you hurt her feelings you will feel at the price with Allah subhanho wa Taala you make her uncomfortable, the dua of the prophets Allah sama is going to reach you Allahumma mon William Amblyomma Tisha and for Shankara he Freshco Cali. So let's Allah listen, I said, Yeah, Allah, whatever happened to lead of my ummah, in any of these affairs, where the husband being the one who is responsible, or responsible of the affair of his wife, or the leadership, the big leadership, if he makes life difficult upon that person Rasul Allah sama said Yeah, Allah I asked you to make life
also difficult and hard for him. That's why the purpose of Lhasa at the end of the day he says the best and the eyes of Allah, they are the best in the eyes of their wives and there is no way for you to be the best in the eyes of your wife unless if you're kind of your responsibility towards towards her in the way allows me to prescribe Allah grant us good hygiene. So we will stop for a quick break right now and then we will be back for part two as you continue searching for a spouse does acknowledge salamati According to law