14 tips and strategies on how to improve family life and solve its problems.
Ali Albarghouthi – Muslim Family 3 – How To Solve Marital Disputes
AI: Summary ©
The conversation covers the importance of finding a long term attitude adjustment and lifestyle adjustment, personal behavior fixing problems, finding a way to receive advice, patient management, finding a way to fix problems, finding a way to receive advice, finding a way to fix problems, finding a way to receive advice, avoiding embarrassment, and giving personal information. The speakers emphasize the need for constant communication and patient management, finding the potential impact on the economy and oil and gas industry, and the importance of understanding the pandemic and the impact on the economy overall. They also mention the need for a better understanding of the pandemic and the potential impact on the oil and gas industry.
AI: Summary ©
Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah
salam.
So hamdulillah This is the third lecture in the series, and we can call a course on the Muslim family.
And today inshallah, we'll be talking about how to solve marital disputes. So, the first one was about who remembers how to choose your mate.
And the second one, how to build those strong foundations for a happy married life. Now we can this may not be as upbeat as the first or the second, right, talking about marital disputes, but still hamdulillah there is a lot to learn Neela I hope so at least it's a reminder.
So I have 14 points. So I live number them, right? They think this time, so having 14 points for you. And we'll start with inshallah.
How do you solve marital problems, marital disputes? Well, the first point is, review the first two lectures. Because as I said, I always will refer you to what we did and what we be doing. So look at the first to consider what we did in the first two, because when you have foundations, marital problems, marital problems, will be minimized. You get these big, unsolvable problems later, either is because the choice wasn't right.
Or the foundations, as you're building this unit, whatever thing you build, could be a nation, it could be a company, it could be a business, you're trying to build something, the foundations are not strong. Sooner or later, you'll find out that that thing is not sustainable, right is going to fail, you begin to face problems. Why do we have these problems? Because the start was not right. So you have to go back and think about
what the choice was how to make the right choice. And second of all, how to build a stronger unit.
The second point I have is all of us have arguments. No one is immune. Right?
Maybe that's comfortable. None of us is immune.
But there's a difference between these small squabbles and arguments that you have daily ones, versus the big ones, the really huge ones that indicate that there's a big, big problem underneath them. And there's a difference between the occasional argument, right, and consistent continuous ones, that develop later into something big when you don't solve them. So the sooner the faster that you solve them, the better that it is. If you lead them, right, they may come they may develop into something very big later. So there's big and small. The idea is first, how do we solve these big ones and how not to turn the small ones into something bigger later. And we have to consider in
these disputes sometimes that it does have to do with personality.
Right? It's not only taqwa, but also has to do with personalities. I'll give you an example of a deja vu.
It's specific compared to the rest of the wives of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam. So Khadija in particular, right? was very soft, very agreeable with the prophets of Allah. He was seldom How do we know this? Because when you breathe out, he Salam came, and he gave a DJ.
And he said, gave her the glad tiding the good news of baytril Jenna house in general. What he said is la Sahaba he was a Muslim. There is no loud noise in it. And there is no tiredness, no fatigue. Now why is what he said no loud noises in it. Why did he say that? Right? There was no loud noise in the house of the prophets of Allah He was in no she was not arguing raising your voice. So he said you know you know that's what they have said as a consequence reward for that. He told her this.
So is a peaceful house. The profit zone is investor personality.
Yeah, you visit otherwise of the profits always send them so the profit is the profit is the same man. But you have another woman and they are at the pinnacle right of taqwa. We're not saying this to say that they are not good. How do we learn? No. There are the pinnacle of taqwa. But still, you know. So why when time
comes in and I shut up, Ilana, or voice was higher than the voice of the prophets. A lot of you send them right
So he goes and he you know, blames her for it.
So you understand that I shot his legs unisys there at the pinnacle of topo at the height of topo. But still, personalities are different. So people who have Taqwa can still get into arguments, they can still fight doesn't mean that the person doesn't have to talk, they can still disagree.
And people who are maybe not as you know, the couple is not as high you still have to hope but not as high, may have a more peaceful life it's possible so.
So it's not like the Prophet sallallahu Sallam his wife is not like the wives of the Prophet is what his wife was almost like he said, I lived with her for 20 years or so. Definitely kenema we did not disagree over one thing.
That's an example to shoot for. Right? We did not disagree over one thing. It has to do with him It has to do with her to their personality plus dakhla. So sometimes, you know you need both. But it doesn't mean that there is no tuckaway there's problems or arguments.
Third thing this is the most important one that I'm going to share with you in this ninth inshallah, problems are a message from Allah as
we go into some trouble with your family, with your spouse with your children.
Allah azza wa jal is communicating with you something is telling you that you need to move to a higher plane of taqwa a higher level of
either there is something lacking
in your life,
in the family life, and a lot wants to fix it wants to move you from one direction to the other,
move higher fix, fix the sin that you have,
or a lot of panel italie already have done over the last panel with Allah wants to move you even higher. And that can only happen through the tests that Allah subhanaw taala gives us. So a lot of tests individuals, right?
A lot of nations and a lot of course, tests families. So here the question is not to say, why me why you might be interested, why is my husband like this? Why is my wife like that? Why am I children like this? Right? Except that if you want to discover why so that you can solve it, and move ahead, not to be trapped in the past thinking about why it happened. You know, old me, I'm so miserable, I'm so sad and that you be stuck there. And why did I do this to me, that's not a place where you want to be. So Allah subhanho wa Taala gives you these things to tell you there's something missing, fix it.
And whenever you receive someone, right in one of the ideas of doing this in sha Allah is for you to also possess the ability to give this advice to others around you because not everybody comes to the masjid. And never not everybody is going to receive this advice. When you have trouble you have to tell them even if I don't know much about what you're going through, how are you the loss of Hanna what Allah you know, you know, like if I may have a prescription if I'm a doctor sitting with a prescription and I'm receiving a lot of patience I may not have time for all but I what please I'm gonna like give everybody Tylenol look take Tylenol, right? But here this is better actually.
Because it's true.
And because it's the medicine that fits everybody how are you with a loss of Hannah with
a sharpie or hematoma smart guy, he said what? In the calendar to the coolness, you're not going to be able to make everybody happy around you. all humanity, everybody around you. They're not going to be able to make them happy.
Okay, what should we do?
Marina Cobain Allah, what are too bad evenness. Since then, fixed what is between you and Allah subhanho wa Taala. And then don't worry about other people around you.
Don't worry about them as much. And it doesn't mean you and you just pray fast and everything like that, then go out and punch people I don't care about you right? Doesn't mean that it means like audibly
make Allah happy with you when it comes to his rights and the rights of humanity then don't care about who likes you and who doesn't like you. Allah will make them like you. If they are rooted, Allah will make them like you.
So when you saying that there's something wrong. Allah brought you to the masjid. Allah brought you to that email mala brought you to that chip so we can tell you brother, are you praying? Oh, no, I'm not praying. Okay, you have to go and start praying. Are you making them? No, I'm not making as much to go ahead and do it. Sorry, wearing hijab. How is your Salah? How is your fasting? How was your taqwa is there haram at home or move this hat on? That's the most difficult part that people don't have patience with
Because you want once you want a quick fix, fix this for me, come to the masjid once come to the masjid twice for counseling. Nothing wrong with seeking counseling, but to come at it once or twice. But your problem is not a problem that can be fixed. In a day or two.
I it's a long term thing. And for long term, you need a long term attitude adjustment and lifestyle adjustment. So the most important part here is increase your email, how are you with Allah so that Allah can help you.
And when you improve your email, you will improve your character.
Because it's not always the fault of the other person.
Of course, I'd like to blame my spouse, right? Of course, it's their fault. I like to blame my children, I like to blame my parents, somebody else, of course, but it's not always their fault. Or the path to their transformation passes through you first.
Even if it's their fault, but Allah wants you to change so that they can change. So you can change if you just come once or twice to the masculine say that is it. So people, some people really don't have the stamina to continue with this transformation, which isn't a transformation of email. So if you improve your email and your character must improve the Prophet sallallahu wasallam says, acumen and what meaning Amen, and
the best of what means in a man are the best in character, the best of luck best of character, well, they are compared.
And the best of you are the best to their woman. So he tied between the two, that having the best of him and being having the best of character and the best of you is the best to their woman.
So you improve your email, and it's an investment for your sister. And for you, brother, when you increase your email and the amount of your family, the character of your family improves, they'll treat you better with justice, and kindness. So this is the long term investment that you wanna make insha Allah, but when there's a problem in the house, of course, who's going to take advantage of it?
shavon
and the shaitaan this is point number four wants to break up the family.
And the shaytan doesn't want to see you having something beautiful, something secure something that's going to bring you closer to Allah and just leave you with it. Right. Now I'm going to leave you so the Prophet sallallahu wasallam says in what Muslim reported
he says a bleed
in Ibiza washo Alma, he says
at least puts his throne on the water establish, established his throne on the water and sends messengers. So yeah, right
now
it's closest to him is the one that causes the greatest fitna.
So where are you going? Where are they going to sit in relation to beliefs depends on the greatest harm that they introduce. So one of them comes in he says I did this and that he says he didn't do much. Someone comes after and he says matter to Hector for October in a home a number it is I did not leave him until I separated between him and his wife. So what does he say call him and he brings him closer to him. And he says near him and he says you're the one
right you're the one. So what does that take on the matter up to I did not leave it meaning it's not just a work of a day or two.
The process right?
So process took time matter too. I did not let him leave until I separated them. So he says that's what I want from you. Right so it brings them closest to him. So the shaytaan ones that so when your Eman is weak shaitaan can attack you. Right? The chiffon can attack you can destroy your trust in your wife you trust in your spouse, V will create problems between you and you don't have the defense firstly and in two terms you don't have that defense from Allah subhana wa tada your man is not strong. Especially Don can come into your house and leave as he wishes he can manipulate you emotionally right as he wishes manipulate your brain as he wishes. And also there is a presence for
the shavon in your home. Right. And he is in fact in your home. So there's an interesting Heidi,
a woman who was the hub he says and this is the so this is Heidi. So ignore mama says but this is not something that can know from his own. And this is Hassan also he he says in the shaytani R T the hero she had to combat the Maya. Hello. It says the shaitaan comes to your bed after your family after your wife prepares it for you.
You know it previously right they have breeze rollout better
Right when they would roll them out and you would sleep okay
for your piano you don't have your he put there a stick and a stone
Leo de bajo de la sua he would make him angry with his wife with his family for either what he did and he can follow it so if you find that don't be upset with them the homie nominee shaytaan because it's from the work of the shaman
you know that this is like a you know Subhanallah very conniving you know shaitaan is coming and just wants to disturb the peace is okay, they're happy. What can I do is it just put like a rod here put like a stone there, you know, some dirt under the bed, some dirt in the kitchen so that you know, he sees it. And so what kind of woman are you so that they can have a fight. That's what he wants and he goes back happy I did something maybe as a small shape on I don't know it it goes back happy. So the prophecy center is telling you is warning you through the zoo this The Hobbit although I know that this happens. So you need this protection from the shaytan.
And unfortunately, of course, it's not only the sheltering from the jinn who do that they were sheltering from AIDS, because their job is to do what
separate.
So if you don't have your email with you, last protection is not there. And again, you're very vulnerable. So for that the Prophet sallallahu Sallam says Lisa minimun have been rotten Allah. So just to tell you about those who seek to separate between spouses. Thomas Ali Salim says least I mean, he's not one of us, the one who has the one who deceives a woman spoils her for husband, meaning he goes to her and he sees he says it could be a woman with a woman or a man with a woman. Look at her his false, look at what is wrong with him, you can do better leave him
until continues to say the all of these things until she hates him and leaves him.
This is Lisa Amina, he's not one of us.
And he's not doing the actions of a Muslim. And he by that by this action, this is a sin. This is a major sin by which he does not deserve gender. Right, it doesn't deny him gender for eternity. But this is a serious sin when you break up a family like that.
So point number five goes back to what we were talking about that all of us are afflicted all of us are tested is that
this Japan a lot could be your test. And this life.
And if you think about it, every person has a test. like one big huge test, you have many tests, sometimes you have one big test. Sometimes this big test of yours is your spouse, I thought like a lot until and sometimes they will test is your child.
But this is your big test in life. So what Allah wants from you is to see this patience from you that you don't give up quickly,
that you do not blame someone else for it that you don't blame Allah for it but you accepted, it tries to change it. But I mean that you accept.
And you increase your Eman and you try to change it to the best of your ability. But if you cannot, you persist in being patient. Right. And if you can find few find out Subhanallah ways to change it, go ahead and do it. But don't give up. This is your test in life. This is my test in life. And by the way, this is couldn't be the thing that puts you in general, could be the thing that puts you in general, any that Allah wants to put you through this. One of the one of the pious he was at Mao, Germany, amento more Germany.
So what is the thing that you did that you hope the most from?
Right?
He says, The thing that I hope the most from is that one of those days a woman comes to me if she's wearing the niqab and all of that comes to me. And she says, You know, I really want to marry you. I've fallen in love with you please marry me.
So he says fine, he wasn't married. He says fine. He didn't see her. Before he got married. He married her. He says when I when I found when I looked at her face later I she wasn't you know, something that I desired.
But he says throughout our life, I always never showed her that I didn't like her or I didn't love her. I've always showed affection of most affection to her. And she was sometimes a very jealous woman. And at first he didn't like it that much. He didn't love her. And also she wants a very jealous woman. So sometimes because she was so jealous, she would ask me not to leave the house. And I would comply and not leave the house not too so that I would not break her heart, not upset her and I stayed like that with her right for about 20 years or so. Throughout. I didn't say any bad words of her or let her know
How I really felt. And then she passed away. And I'm the one who watched her Raptor and I put her in the grave. He says, of all the things that I've done, that's the thing that I hope most from
and it This is how my patience, this is my patience, he was able to be patient, not telling you that everybody is April but I'm telling you that this is what he said this was one of his tests.
And of all the things that he has done, he thought this is the thing that when I meet Allah subhana wa Tada, I will really see wonderful things from Allah because of it.
Point number six, right connected to patience. Change takes time.
Right.
So if you've come and you've been married to your spouse for 510 years, and now you're having an issue, your child now is 1015 or so and now you're having an issue with them, and you want them to change, understand that change takes time.
And it's not going to happen overnight. It's not going to happen in a week, it may not happen in a year. So you have to be patient.
First of all, don't demand change from others if you are yourself unable to change, if you can see the problem. Maybe they can if you can see the problem and you cannot bring yourself to change how can you ask others to change if you cannot improve your Salah You are a better your taqwa. You know staying away from the heroin, taking it out of the house, if you can't do these things, how can you expect them to change. So you have to be the model for that change.
Right, you have to be this model, they have to see this transformation in you so that they're able to transform themselves
and be patient with them. Right. So it's not, I've been praying for a week I've been making to out for a week I've been fasting for a month I've been being pm for two months, I haven't seen anything, no, the disease, right? Sometimes when you take medicine, it takes we have to take the full course right for you to see the results, that disease is not the result of a day or two
or sometimes a month or two or sometimes a year or two for you to actually be able to remove it anytime. So be patient, be patient. And what is important here is to make
it is not always in your in my hand.
Who should you bring into this last panel with Allah so you have to make a lot of
draw in your schedule due at night, the blessing is accepted that list of places is accepted and keep making
as to handle a lot of spouses, a lot of wives in particular, they'll say bye, my husband suffered from this, you know, he had these problems, these issues. And I was patient with him. And I kept making and kept making and changing and gave me more and changing and I saw I started to see these transformations in it.
But why because of two things. One, surrendering to Allah as origin, proximity to him and changing yourself.
So when you do that, Allah subhana wa tada will bring change to you in the law, but you need patience. You need the and you need to change. Right? And that change. Again, it's not short term. And it come to the mistake How should we fix our problem? Okay, fix your problem. This is an increase your a better so that a couple will increase their a better they'll be better for two months, for six months. Then they'll revert back to the way that they were after a year or so they come with the same problem. Well, he didn't continue with your medicine.
So take all of it and stay persistent on email and taqwa. Otherwise everything else we talked about Will you know grow
seven, follow the Islamic prescription and solving problems. Okay, so Allah Subhana Allah and His Prophet sallallahu Sallam has given us in several Hadith what to do, how to behave.
You know what character we should adopt. So one of them a famous area when I lost a panel what Allah says in Surah 34 when he says society how to quantitate on happy bottom the Liberian are happy the law. He says the pious woman, they have talked about the pious woman and those who will rebel, right and spoil their life and married life.
So he says he thought he had to the pious what is their description? Two things honey turtle obedient to Allah have evolved to live lady remain happy the law they protect the husband in his absence that like when he's not there, the more happy the law in the way that Allah wants them to protect. What the husband has a tree they protect his money. They protect his honor. They protect his house, they protect his children.
She protects his honor. She does not reveal his secrets. That's what our last panel data describes Happy barcoo little baby. So when he leaves or he knows that what he have left behind is someone that he trusts, whether he leaves or when he goes out to work or leaves her on a trip. He knows that he had left someone that he can trust
and the basis of his content. There were obedient to Allah Subhana Allah
that Allah says we're lucky to have food and shoes, but the ones that you fear
they're new shoes. What is this new shoes and the shoes is for someone to be sitting on a high place right higher than you. So he sees you as lower than him.
So they are sitting on top they think that they're sitting on top looking down at you.
This isn't a shoes. She thinks that he's better than you higher than you.
Right I so she doesn't want to stay with you. Or she insults you. I this is an issues, doesn't listen to you.
Then Allah says fairy Luna three things he says valuable una una caja de de bohun. We'll talk about it.
So he says three things. First of all,
when you find her doing something wrong, what's the first thing that he should do?
More either.
And if you remember you said that this small Eva is what advice connected to the revenger him
reminding her or anyone else of the favors of Allah if you comply. If you do what Allah loves, and the punishment of Allah, if you disobey Him, this is what moderator is. So you'd be sitting with that individual and say, Listen, this is what you're doing is wrong. And if you obey Allah, Allah will give you this and this and that. But if you disobey Allah, Allah will do to you this and this and that this is more a law, making them afraid of the laws that would make them desire desires are the rewards of Allah. This is more a la una. That's the first step.
And this is what for men to do with women with their wives when they are in trouble. So first of all, remind her of Allah, her duties, responsibilities. This is what Allah wants from you. This is the first one. The second one was your own nephew. Maharajah the first one doesn't work. You talk and you talk and you talk, and it keeps not working. Right. Oh, before I move to that, when it comes to advice
that I wanted to share with you is that don't expect perfection, by the way from your wife.
Again, not an excuse for the sisters to say hey, you can't expect perfection from me. Try your best. But I'm saying for the brothers don't expect perfection. Why?
You'll never get it. Right. And the prophets of the law he was in them says we're supposed to be nice a Hydra take good care of woman.
And this is a command from the Prophet is supposed to be nice. take really good care of them. So in
our in our saying, Allah, it says they have been created from a rib.
Right? And the most dense part of the rib is that stop?
Meaning that it cannot The ribride has a nature to it right? He can make it straight. If you try to make it straight, what happens to it to break it? So the prophets always said he says they've been created in a specific way for a specific function.
Right. And there's Jani Hickman this wisdom why they've been created this way? What does it do?
In your body?
that protects you, right? It protects, it has to be bent for it to perform that function. If it's straight, it won't. So Allah made them this way. So that they can perform their use of panel apart in the family so they can protect it, so that they can create it. It cannot be sustained without woman cannot happen with a woman. You need their emotions, you need their care, it cannot happen. And plus they have been created in this particular way. So the prophets Allah sent me say if you want them to be of a different nature than the nature that live given to them, you won't be able to.
So what does he say to him that
you want to make him straight, you will break them
what interacted with me as an hour, but if you leave it, there will be still some crookedness in it. And you're not going to be 100% still, so be nice a lot. So really take good care of them. So there's something about your wife, right that you don't like, right? To jealous sometimes too is sometimes a bit too judgmental this or that. Understand that some of these things as the prophets I send them understood. Some of these things are natural in them. So you have to absorb that and be patient with it as the prophets always send them says
So advice Yes, give advice. But don't expect or think that perfection is even a goal. So if that's not the case, it doesn't happen.
The next stage is the prophets Allah sent him say that Allah subhanaw taala says no.
Right? Leave them in bed, meaning that don't be intimate with them.
That is a form a second form of sending a message, the first one did not work. This is the second one, there's something you're telling them there's something seriously wrong.
And it needs to be fixed. So you would abandon what being intimate with them, you won't leave the bed.
You won't leave the house.
But just in that part, so that she knows there's something wrong taking place.
And the Prophet sallallahu Sallam he says actually prohibited leaving the house, by the way. He said, when someone asked him what is What rights do our wives have upon us? So he said until time, I have
to say, you feed her when you eat.
And you close her when you're close meaning from the same thing I you spend on her as you spend on yourself? What are totally we'll watch and you don't hit the face. Talk about that inshallah. But in any circumstance with any human you don't need to face what our daughter will watch. I
don't insult obscene speech. Right? Don't give that to her. Don't you know, face? Not Donald received that from you? What are your 11 bait and do not have hedges? Don't forsake her, except inside the home as a last panel data set in that I mean, if you're angry with her, don't leave the house.
You know how sometimes whether it's men or woman, they're angry? And what do they do?
Going to my parents home, we're gonna spend the night somewhere else
know what I
do not leave in the field, except inside the home. Why? Because trying to fix it, right? You're trying to fix it, when you leave the house who knows about this?
Everybody, your family knows about it, the neighbors may know about it, your friend Do you've spent the night with me know about everybody knows about it, you're supposed to keep this inside the house as much as you can.
And of course, you know, that increases the distance between the spouses. So that wife couldn't do that. And the husband also shouldn't do this without that you're in the field.
So this is the next remedy. The next remedy, the third remedy that Allah Subhana, Allah says was that he wound and hit them slightly. Right? So of course, you know, a lot of especially non Muslims, when they look at this, and they say what a look at this, this is an area that is encouraging Muslims, Muslim men to hit their woman. But if you look actually at the devotees, and the tougher scene, you'll find that it's not the case. It's actually restricting this significantly.
Because it's haram for you to even think about it or attempted before you go through these steps. First, you have to go to the first step. If he's not listening to you can't just go and hit her head on
aggression, you cannot do this, you have to start with advice, then you have to go to the second step. Now when it comes to the third step, do it if
if it's useful, if it's useful, because it's not always useful, and not in every context, and not when every woman
and I'll add to it, and it's better not to do
a lot of put it there in the Quran as an option. Because the way that we judge the Quran is not like, Okay, I'm living here in the city in the 21st century. And I'm looking at it from that perspective alone. This is from the time that this idea was revealed, till the Day of Judgment.
Not every society is our society. Not everybody thinks that way that we're thinking, but saying that, it's better not to do it.
Why am I saying it's better not to do it?
Because the son of the Prophet sallallahu wasallam a lot put it there, right, and in some circumstances, it may work. But see what the prophet sallallahu Sallam didn't said.
They say about him mother Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam via di e in Broughton, Walla Walla Walla Hadi, Malka, mahalo. He never had a person with his hand, a woman, a child or a servant, citizen had anybody. Right.
In addition, when the Prophet sallallahu wasallam heard that there are some men hitting their wives, he says, oh, a cabbie care comm These are not the best among you.
These are not the best among you, meaning that you shouldn't need that. It shouldn't reach that stage.
It's better actually to leave it, it's better to actually leave it. So what should you do beyond that, after that? Well, the ayah that follows
is that Allah subhanho wa Taala says when crypto shikaka by Nima, if you're afraid that they're going to separate for Baku, hackerman, Minelli, u hakam. And Medallia, this is another way, if you're afraid that they're going to separate sent an Albert an arbiter from their head side, and an arbiter from her site, let them meet
and talk and decide.
Meaning as the spouses, right husband and wife, they can reach a conclusion. And garden to the extent that is so serious, that they're about to separate before this happens. Try this.
Right, this could happen with a judge, but we don't have judges here, right. But a man from a wise man from his side, a wise man from their side, they come together and they talk. And they try to resolve the issue.
And their judgment, sometimes if the husband and wife allow it could be binding. And if they disagreed over something they can come they can decide and say this is how it's going to be. And both of them have to listen. Right? So that's another solution. Right?
But you find here that Allah subhanho wa Taala had put in the Quran at least a way to be able to solve our problems. So follow it. And if you have one, if you have a man, on demand side and the woman's side behind the law, you'll be able to solve these disagreements if you follow what Allah subhana wa, tada had stated. Point number eight.
Avoid escalators things that
damage the relationship, especially when you're having an argument or dispute.
When you're angry, should you discuss issues and talk about things and try to decide when you're angry? No.
And some people don't do that. I mean, somebody tried to resolve everything and say everything when both of them are angry, and are at each other's throats. Now we're going to talk about it. Now we're going to resolve it when they're shouting, no. And you find some Hanalei and all they can do, you know, calm themselves down, you have to learn how to calm yourself down.
Maybe sometimes, right, you need to, you know, you need to be in your room, she needs to be in her room, and just take some time apart. Go make Hulu,
free to rock as lie down. Talk to a friend not about this, talk to a friend about something else.
distract yourself with something until you calm down until you can come back and talk the clear head. So avoid discussions. judgments when you are angry, right?
blaming the other person. Always. It's your fault.
This is you. You'll never change. I
am bringing up the past.
Sometimes the panel like I said, Okay, I forgiven you. I forgot about this. And no, we're fighting. We remember this again. And we bring it up. You're supposed to have forgotten about this have forgiven this. Something that happened 510 years ago, it comes back. Well remember that time when you did this to me. I remember the other time when you did that to me. So it becomes a big huge thing. Because now it's not just this small issue is this small issue and how you've been in the last 510 years. And it becomes a judgment on your personality. And who you are. You're the one who's not good. You're the one who is this? You're that you're the one who's hopeless. I am escalates,
escalates, escalates. And these sore points in our lives, right? If you know that somebody's sensitive about an episode in their life, don't bring it up. You know, sometimes we know each other's soft points. And you know how to really hurt you know, so don't do that because it hurts.
And when you try to shame that someone because of their family, because of who they were because of you know, something bad that they did you know about it, a lot of people don't know about it, and you bring it up that only complicated an issue. And it's not honorable, right? It's not honorable, I know the shape on the panel. Oh, by the way, the shape on, we'll put these things on your tongue sometimes.
You don't know it. But the shaytaan is right there. And he's reminding you and putting doubt on your tongue and pushing you to these to say these things again, like that small sheet under this coming and putting rocks and sticks in your bed exactly this way but now has a better chance of actually creating a bigger fight.
Don't leave the house that we talked about that right of course, as much as you can. Again, under escalators as much as you can you keep this between you and your
spouse,
not like a mother, you know what she did and said,
you know, Father, you know what he did instead, problem is that you can reconcile with your spouse tomorrow and forget about it, your mother and father won't,
they won't, they'll remember it. And they'll come back the next time you're having a fight and see remember the first time and he's no good. And you should leave him in this because why they're not inside. If you don't understand that, sometimes you find them that we can reconsider. Don't understand that when you said these things, you're unhappy with them, but later, you're happy.
So they don't understand. And of course, they want the best, they don't want to see their child being you know, insulted or, you know, treated, mistreated. So of course, they're going to take your side, but they're not necessarily going to be fair. So as much as you can keep it within
the family, meaning within you and your spouse, don't involve your parents, unless you really have to.
Now, much less what your friends
will talk about, you know, secrets. Number Number 10. Don't talk to your friends about it, unless you really, really have to only really, really need advice. Otherwise, try to solve it yourself. Because when you involve others, you don't know if the advice is going to be good or bad. At least at least choose. And of course, last one, and I even don't want to mention it but the police, right, but I know that it happens unless you think that your life is in danger, right?
Don't do that. Unless you think that this person is going to abuse you physically, and do something bad, really bad. Don't like, he just screamed at me, and I'm gonna call the police. What are you trying to do? So this initial panel of paves the way, first of all, everybody's gonna know about it? Right? You found out only your family, all the neighbors are gonna know about it. And that's not good for him. And he'll remember that.
And second of all, you know, what does that say about you? Right? In the slightest disagreement, you calling the police? And I know some people do that. Maybe they're terrified. Maybe they're afraid, or maybe somebody and they know that's the case. somebody tells them, you want to control your husband, you want to really you know, you know, have him do everything that you want them to do call the police. Because next time he won't do that again. Right? Next time, right? You want to write one racist voice? He's now as he knows yet you're powerful. Yeah. And divorced, soon. Right. So that, that that's bad advice. And it's a panel that comes most of the time either from non Muslims, or
Muslims, every man is not very an associate, or their knowledge of Islam is not so so. So from the prophets of Israel, I'm telling you right, that you have as a last as happy Bucklin claim, you preserve them, you protect him when he's not there. Versus right, someone who is going to know I make everybody know, because the police is standing right outside, that that man is not good. Right? So the difference between the two, so an honorable man and honorable woman doesn't do this. If you're afraid if you fear for your life, that's something different, but otherwise, no.
Point number nine,
I call it neglect and emotional needs, we have to understand, right that
we have emotional needs, and they have emotional needs, and you have to make time for that
time to be with them time to talk to them. When you're busy all the time. All the time that you spend at home, you know you're busy at work, when you come home, you're busy with the children. And then when you have some free time you either spend it in front of the TV, or with your phone and internet, if that's everything, of course, you're going to drift apart. see any time
turn it off, you don't need to watch all of these things, turn it off, and then talk to each other plan activities with each other so that you be closer to each other inshallah. And as we said last time, don't think that you must be like madly in love all the time. That doesn't happen. Right?
It's enough to have a lot of there's good companionship. Right? agreement, common interest, common goals. That's enough.
Some people are in love, but not everybody is. So a man comes to them.
All the low uhnwi says I want to divorce my wife. He says I'm gonna tell them don't do it.
So the man says, but I don't love her. So Omar says, Wait, wait, heck, this is a woe to you. What can we do YouTube now? How many houses and homes are built on love? Finally, I have to wait to the moment where it's taking care of her and keeping her rights. Right.
This is it. He's saying that not every house is built on. They're madly in love with each other. But it's built on also me taking care of her and my family and my children and she's
Doing the same to me, I'm opting or choosing the best thing for her. And she's trying to do the same for me to the moon, meaning that I want to see what her rights are and perform these and give those to her. And I don't want to be criticized before Allah azza wa jal, mostly to say he did not take care of her. So he says, also, these are foundations,
in addition to the things that we talked about, so that was point number nine. So don't think you know, sometimes you been married 510 years, and you know, you shouldn't be but you're watching this series and watching this movie, and they're all in love and flowers and candy and this and that anything. This is missing from my life, I must not have love in it, I'm gonna look for it somewhere else divorced me,
right? divorce me, I don't want you anymore. Or he comes to me says I don't want you anymore. I'm gonna go and try to find love somewhere else. It's gonna be the same thing. You're gonna divorce so you're going to marry that other woman. And it's going to be the episode is just going to repeat itself. Especially when you have children. Right? That's, that's a great loss. And we'll talk about divorce in Sharla. shortly.
We talked to number 10, don't share secrets.
So there are two heads from the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he says, In Amina sharena, in de la humanzee, that anioma Pm are the people who will occupy the worst spaces and places with a lot on the Day of Judgment is the man who is intimate with his wife. And when he's done, right, he goes out and he talks about it.
Right in another Hadith, the Prophet sallallahu wasallam says that he says, maybe somewhat one of them among you.
shares with others what he does with his wife. And she does or tells others what she does with her husband. The other problem is Autism is talking to you to a group of people. So that people were quiet when he said that. So so one of the Sahaba says, Oh, yes, oh prophet of Allah, they do this, the men do this, and the woman do that. So Allah the Prophet, he says, Don't do this. But the example of this is like as a fan who meditate?
Right, and they are intimate, in public, while people are watching.
If you share these intimate secrets, and when I Muslims do it, probably some Muslims do it as well, right? You know, or, you know, my husband is like this, this, this this very, very intimate secrets. Women do the same thing. Men do the same thing. power law, right. So he says this is like a shakedown on the Shavasana who are doing this in public. So you can see each other you protect each other. You don't go when you're talking to strangers, not only about these intimate details, you don't share right, your husband's flaws, or you know, he eats a lot that man, you know, or that guy is, you know, has a temper. But this guy, you know, is wasteful. This guy is this and you don't say
this about your wife. If you don't want her to say this about you don't say this about her. And the same thing for your sister. You don't want him to talk about these things with others. Don't mention these things to others. Right? Sometimes you're upset, right? Sometimes you really upset with them, and you just want to vent or sometimes you just want to put them down in front of other people. But it doesn't. It's not good, right? And the disasters thing if it goes back, and it comes back to them. Full Circle, right? Oh, you know what you were five said,
you know what your husband said? And rest assured there will be some people who would want to tell them all of these things. And what do you think their attitude will be? Or your attitude will be?
Don't wash your dirty linen in public? Yeah, no, keep it keep it inside. Because as long as it's inside, you can fix it. If it goes outside, it's big.
And very unfixable. Right, very unfixable problem,
point number 11 financial responsibility, a lot of problems happen because of money.
Right, a lot of money, either he is so stingy with money is not giving me enough, or he is so wasteful.
Or he has a bad management in money, whatever it is I for that you either need to sit together you need to talk, right? And sometimes you may need outside help and outside advice telling you how to manage your money. And whether you are actually being too stingy and too suspicious. Or you're being too wasteful. And sometimes somebody comes to tell you say you're spending too much money. That's why he's not giving you enough or you know what, you're not giving her enough.
But money management is really important, and sometimes we don't pay attention to it. But if you need assistance with this secret, before it destroys, you know, or puts you know, more wrinkles in your life.
12 we talked about this last time a little bit in laws.
A lot of times people get into trouble and they divorce because of in laws because of that tension between mother and daughter in law.
Right.
And we said last time, right, if there is a law, this is not an issue.
If there's fear of a loss of Hannah, what the island is not an issue, the mother is not going to tell her son, hey, by the way, abuser as much as you can, because she cannot be trusted. Don't trust her. She's gonna take your money away, she's gonna try to do this. And to you that to you, she's gonna turn your children against you. She's not a good mother, she's not a good fit dad, divorced her, she's not gonna say these things if she fears a lot. Because she knows that she's gonna have to stand before a lot. And she'll be asked about this advice.
And the wife is not going to say the same thing about the mother, stay away from her, she's not good for us. Don't take care of friends, don't take care of her. Don't visit her so much. She's not good for the children, Don't listen to her, etc, etc, etc. But if your plate with something like that, whether it's a daughter in law, who is like that, or a mother in law, who's like that, you have to be patient.
Again, this is your test, right? This is your test.
And Subhanallah you could not predict it, but this is what it is now.
So this is your test. What should you do about it? Not backbiting, gossip,
not plot against her. Some people go even to the extent of black magic and whatever so that they can control this person, that person, you know, trying to create to solve the problem by introducing a bigger problem, right?
No, it's taco. Taco, taco and patience, taco and forgiving some of your rights sometimes.
And if you do that, guarantee the inilah as the origin sooner or later Allah will fix your problem.
Sooner or later Allah will fix your problem if there is some goodness and the other side and they see how good you are, they will change.
If not Allah Subhana Allah will change them for you. As long as you have this taqwa you are close to him. And never stop making dua. Never give up. Never say How long will I keep making this too?
Right? As I said, you know, to one of those disturbances when you take medicine, do you ever say to yourself, how long will I have to keep taking this medicine? If you believe that it's going to cure you? Do you ever give up?
If you believe that it's going to cure Do you ever stop? to always keep taking it? So this dude and this duck, what is your medicine you'll always keep to it. So always keep taking it. Always keep making this and Allah will change your situation.
But Allah wants to see okay, I put you now in this difficult situation, will you be as evil as they are?
Or you Will you hold on to your taqwa and faith and a man, if he sees that from you, and you're even better than you've passed the test be
13 just thought of mentioning it until the 13th and then 14 would be done in Sharla. So 13 are talking about intercultural marriages. We talked about it in the first lecture, second lecture, third lecture, inshallah, that's the first maybe the last time we'll see. So intercultural marriages. Now, when you're coming from different cultures, then we have sometimes help and sometimes may hinder.
So sometimes, because you have some common culture in between, you will be better able to solve your problems because you have elders who can intervene, same culture, both of you can listen to them, or some common foundations, right? That you can lean on, and somehow the lobby able to overcome whatever problem you have. So common culture sometimes help. But sometimes you know, what I was thinking about it even having different cultures sometimes help, because you're not restrained. You're not restricted. Sometimes cultures push you to divorce.
Sometimes actually push you to divorce, or you can marry him, you cannot be with him for whatever reason. But because you're coming from a different culture, you're not bound by these shackles so that you're able to behave more like what Allah wants you to behave rather than what that culture is dictating. So it could be a plus, or it could be a minus for you. So nothing, you know, I don't know if that helps. It could be a plus it could be a minus. Anyway, just the same advice I gave in the first and second lecture. Before you go ahead with it. Just know who you are. What are you getting into and extra patience. So in marriages, sometimes, especially when you're going through some rough
periods. Having differences in culture sometimes could aggravate situation, just be
more patient with that. And insha Allah azza wa jal, if you're patient, Allah will take care of you.
The last thing inshallah we're talking about is divorce.
And divorce in Islam in general is discouraged.
Right? Not something that is desirable, it's MOBA in the sense that when you need it is there. And sometimes sometimes it's better than staying married to that individual sometimes, sometimes. But you don't start out like this. You don't start out thinking like that. That's the last resort. You know, like in Arabic, they have
a proverb.
The last medicine is colorization. You know, when you burn the skin, right? That's the last medicine. You don't begin with it.
You don't start like that. That's the last medicine when nothing else is working. That's the last thing. So divorce is like that. When you've tried your best and nothing is working, then divorce but generally is discouraged. Why do we say it's discouraged?
Well, first of all, that see there's
it's how we caddy
had a little light a lot of a thing.
Heller that his most hated to Allah azza wa jal is
the header that is most hated is stolen, but it's weak. But they say though it is weak, the meaning is accurate, man.
It's accurate, that this is not something that loss of power to Allah particularly likes or favors, but it's there in case you need it. This is this is one evidence. Another one is hiding from the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he says, Are you remember attend?
Salah soldier hatanaka Hassan Ali has agenda. Our
agenda for today would be to say,
This is what a woman
asked her husband for divorce for no reason means at best, and there is no harm that she's receiving. And she is still asked for divorce. What does he say to her I'm gonna lay her head to agenda. It's how long for her to smell the smell of paradise.
Right? She will not smell paradise.
Which means that this is what a small or big sin.
That's a big sin. It doesn't mean that she's going to be eternally in Hellfire doesn't mean that it means it's a big sin that will create a big distance between you and Jenna. And by which you may deserve what's Hellfire, Allah may forgive you allow me send you Telfair first, but then eventually this woman if she has a man, she'll be in Jenna, basis that the distance that she'll put you between you and Jenna will be so far. Because he did this.
You asked for divorce
means a reverse. Right? means at best, there's no reason no harm.
So this tells you that you should do it.
In a panel, I mean, lumen are emotional sometimes. Right? And I know maybe it's prevalent in some cultures more than others, but some of them you know, so panelo whenever she gets angry with us, she say,
divorce me. divorce me. bite. Right? divorce me divorced me divorced me right? around to say this? How long to see this. And there's a joke actually, which actually, I mean, it's written in the books and whatever, right? It's funny, tragic funny, is there's one man who is married to a woman and she and Mashallah is strong, right? So she can, like, pin him to the ground can overpower him and put him to the ground. So one of those arguments that they were having, and she's strong, so she's on top of him, you know, he's on, you know, underneath, right? And her hands are around his neck, and she's choking him, can't breathe. He's choking him. And she says, divorce me, divorce me, right. And
he can't breathe and divorce me divorce me. So he divorced her. So when he divorced her, he said she divorced me She fainted.
Right. So
she she's asking, but she doesn't want it.
So when you're listening to it, if you're a man, if you're listening to it, it doesn't mean if she's asking that she actually wants it every time that she's saying it. But it's how long can you tell us? How long can you ask What if he actually starts believing that you want divorce? Right? And he divorces you because of it. And for the men as well. It's hard on as well. Right? Every time you have a problem or a spat, you say you know I'm divorcing you. I'm divorcing you right? I'm leaving you. That's also not honorable. So you don't waive this divorce. Whenever there's a problem. Either a man or the woman. Don't talk about it like that. It's not a joke. It's not a joke. Right? If it
happens, it can just break the family. It may never come back to the way it was.
So don't threaten her with divorce. If you don't do this, I'll divorce you.
So Pamela Anderson, you only work for someone every time. You know, if you don't bring me this paper, you're fired. If you don't do this your way is there is no way to live.
Did you enjoy that life?
If you're in that situation, dude, you want someone to who's responsible for you to treat you like that? I'm going to divorce you if you don't do this, I'm going to divorce you. That's not honorable
service of Hanalei, you know, don't use it, whether you're male or female, you know that Allah subhanaw. taala does not like it.
And especially if you have children.
Right, SubhanAllah. And once upon a time, once upon a time, I remember if you read in the books, they used to say, Oh, look at Western countries, and the divorce rampant divorce rate that they have. But look at us, right? Because at that point, when they were saying this, divorce wasn't dominant among Muslims. But nowadays, you look at it, and it's the same percentage, even some Muslim countries, right? It's the same percentage. divorce rate is high, so nothing to brag about anymore, right? So if you have children think twice, think twice. There are legitimate reasons for asking for divorce. I know. Right? And he said, panela, Xena infidelity, something like that. There are
legitimate reasons right? for asking for divorce. But think about it twice before you become a single parent. Right? What do you want to actually do this or not? And you see that the problems that we're having some of the problems that we're having today with our children is because of this, we have single parents, but cannot take care. It's hard enough to raise a teenager when you have two parents hard enough. How are you going to do it if you're alone?
Right. And by the way, and we'll be talking about this inshallah next week when you have a child that's a commitment whether you stay married to his mother or not, when you have a child you responsible for him and her for the rest of your life. Right? This is the commitment that you're making. Not like I divorced her now I'm just going to give Child Support I'm gonna you take care of them and I'm somewhere else that you're responsible for them you know, it's an Amana Amana for the woman and a man of for the man right
so we'll talk about this inshallah divorce when he come next
to next time inshallah. But these are the 14 points that I had and Shall I hope we didn't take too much of your time.
Zack moolah Hara for listening attentively. And let me know if you have any questions in Sharla.
Any at all?
Let's see
about the champion. sometimes they'd like to break up. Now. I think maybe we should give some advice. Some people with
good intentions but they just received like a word for the state they give them do they say something which affects the husband or the wife.
Like he has a good intention, she has to say it in a way like like basically really comment on basically like your wife will do this. He actually has good intentions. But that causes a problem.
Like he really
feels that like one of the examples was a guy came to work that he was eating he was having breakfast and his family's like well you haven't breakfast now you can have breakfast at home.
He was like Yeah, he was good. Ryan was really hurt. Because he had come home from work and he was reading and all that.
How come he doesn't
know
your friends?
We have to be careful. Zach a lot here. So it's not always right. You have to watch out for comments. Sometimes that are made in passing, but they send this parrot right they put down the wife or the husband or your wife doesn't cook for you wife does not do your laundry or they or your husband doesn't take care of these things. How come? So when you make these comments right, the person will it will affect them it will think you know my wife is not good enough for me is not doing what others wives are doing what other husbands are doing and will feel shortchanged or go back home and they will have be a fight because of it. So Zack Allah has a good comment, don't
criticize because you don't understand the dynamic of that relationship and what works for them by you know how you help your wife at home you clean and cook and stuff are you How could you you know, so like
your understanding
That dynamic so let them be as they are in shall live your so watch for you know comments like that
yeah
my way
my wife and other
people are strong
yeah
that's true it could be as that's true it could be hazard that could be hazard and you have to watch for that as well right so yeah i mean if you if you're strong you can reply and you know correct their understanding no I love my wife no you know this is these are the reasons right and and that that will be the end of it inshallah
divorce you
you will
just be quiet. Yeah
right
yeah, so yeah, I mean yeah, I mean, put it put these disagreements in perspective, I guess right and separate business or other issues from your married life, definitely. Leave inshallah.
Salam
Alaikum.