Yassir Fazaga – Before You Say I Do – EP17 – PT 1

			As you work together
		

			Allah has given you a companion and friend to stay in and always be seen as man and wife, fulfilling
their Deen From this day on forever.
		

			Already wilhemina shaytani r rajim Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu wa salam ala rasulillah In the
Name of Allah, the Compassionate, The Most Merciful All praise is due to Allah and made his peace
and blessings be upon our beloved prophet muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. We begin by greeting
all of our brothers and sisters, as well as our viewers saying a Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa
barakato.
		

			May the Peace and mercy and blessings of Allah be upon all of you, thank you for joining us, again,
here in our program before you say I do. And last time, we were talking about mistakes that we make
as we are considering potential partners in life. We said that once we meet, and then of course,
here that we suppose that people are talking and they're getting to know each other, there are
certain mistakes that we must avoid. And the first mistake that we must avoid is the idea of not
asking enough questions, this person is, this decision is going to be one of the most vital
decisions that I am about to make in my life. I need to know this person so that I am able to
		

			determine better whether this is the person that I want to be with or not want to be with. And we
said that we don't ask enough questions. And even when we ask enough questions, our questions tend
to be a little bit trivial. It's about preferences. So which movie star do you like? What was your
favorite movie? or what have you, it remains to be very shallow, you really don't ask enough
questions to get to know this person better. And we said that sometimes we avoid this simply because
there is a sense that this is not romantic. And sometimes we are told that this is the case, when
people meet in the movies, you don't see them finding more information about one another. Somehow
		

			they just fall in love. And you don't know On what basis they did this, they just fell in love. And
sometimes we avoid asking questions, because we don't want to know the answer. We have built our own
fantasy, and we like what we have built. So we avoid asking questions. And then, of course, we have
the idea of we don't ask questions, because we do not want to be asked the same questions. So you
don't ask me. And I don't ask you. But getting to know people is very important. Even when we hire
people to do a job for us. What do you ask for? You ask for references. You ask for a resume, you
ask for so many things said you know what? I need to know this person before I delegate any
		

			responsibility to them. That is why one time I'm horrible hot tub was about to hire somebody to work
for the woman. So he said, Why don't you bring somebody that knows you so that I can inquire about
them? And this person comes in Mr. said, Do you know him? And the man said I do. He said, Well, have
you traveled with him? And the man said, No, I really have not traveled with him. He said, Well,
have you done any business with him? And the man said, No, I really haven't done any business with
him. Have you done any one thread transaction with him? And the man said, No. And then I said, Are
you telling me that you only see him in the midst of doing his Salah pray and record and sudo then
		

			that is it? And the man said yes. And Emma said go, this person does not know you get me a person
that really knows you. People, this is so unbelievably true. However, sometimes, you know, we all
have a dark side in us, we all have done certain things that when we are not amongst people, or in
front of people, we tend to do. So the point is I want to know what about this person. And when we
are finding about this person, we're not only looking for their credibility, we're not looking only
for their integrity, but sometimes I want to know, are you really the right person for me? Can you
imagine this? What would a woman do if honorable hapa was to propose to her? What do you think a
		

			reasonable woman would do? America pub comes and he proposes to her he wants to marry her? What
would she do? Of course he would cry. Oh,
		

			why would anybody reject me? So I'm gonna hop actually proposes to a woman. And you know what she
does? she rejects him. On what basis does she reject him? She said antifungal, Molly's. She said
you're cruel. And you're rude. I don't want that. Because he was very harsh. Okay, rightly so. But
then she said you're too harsh for me. I don't want to deal
		

			With that, so now what we're finding out, we're looking also into compatibility, personality wise,
are they really the type of people that we want to hang around with? Are they really the person that
we want to spend the rest of our lives? And it doesn't have to be the fact that you know, they are
wicked or they drink or they could be good people, but do they make good husbands? And even when
they make good husbands? Do they make a good husband? For me? Does she make a good wife? For me what
I'm talking about? Usually men, when we ask questions, you want to know, what does she look like?
The most important thing to a man is what? What does she looked like? Okay, and then immediately, we
		

			either dismiss or we want to pursue that. But please ask questions and ask lots and lots of
questions. And then we spoke about another mistake that people do is ignoring warning signs. And
that is, as we go on daily basis, we are always displaying, we're making a statement about
ourselves. So pay attention to this. Remember, in the Hadees when the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa
sallam was about to appoint a man, and the man came, and he saw the process of kissing and hugging
has an Hussein. And the man said, What are you doing prophet of Allah, I have 10 children, I have
not kissed a single one of them. What was the response of the seller? In one narration said Allah
		

			has is not the runner from your heart. And then the other narration is what? If you are not able to
display mercy to your own children? How can we expect you to display mercy to the oma out there?
This is somebody that was paying attention to what to a warning sign. I've seen you doing something
and I'm now I'm really concerned, if this is how you are with your family, I better pay attention to
how you will be with people who are not of your own family. Does this make sense? Okay, so the point
is, do not ignore warning signs. Warning Signs could be what people getting angry people using
profanity, people easily provoked people yelling, you see how the person treats his mother, you see
		

			how the person treats his sister, you see how the person treats his elder? Or how do they treat
children and what have you. But these are all warning signs that we pay attention to, it does not
necessarily mean that we become dismissive, but rather, what we want is, I need to consider this
thing a little further. Another one that is very important, is the idea of people making premature
compromises. Here you are, you found the person, and somehow immediately you wanted to work, even
though you really don't know them enough. But what do you want to do? Or you immediately wanted to
work? So what do you do is that you make premature compromises. Why do I say premature, you don't
		

			know the person well, yet, it is expected that once we get married, people would have to compromise,
you know, I let go of this, or you let go of that, so that we can have harmony amongst us. But you
do this, when you are determined that this is the person we've gotten married, that's when I start
doing my compromises. But sometimes we will immediately make these premature compromises when why
and how we immediately change or edit our own values and behavior or habits, in hopes that we will
appear to get along more harmoniously. You see how that can happen? we edit, we change, we alter we
modify our own values and behaviors, so that it appears that we are getting along with people. And
		

			of course, that is not acceptable. And what happens is that when we do that we do so to create an
illusion that we are more compatible than we really are. I have seen this happen so many times when
people will come in, and they will get married. And in reality, the person is really not all set.
And what they are doing is that they're giving so much of themselves, and they're doing it way pre
maturely. And that's why we say also when we do this, we lose our sense of self to create a false
sense of harmony. And what happens at that point is we want to avoid conflicts, but we do it for the
wrong reasons. So avoid making premature compromises, I want to know enough about this person to see
		

			whether I am willing to make these compromises or not wanting to make these compromises even though
it may lead to avoiding conflicts, but in reality, you are giving part of yourself as well. Well how
do we do this? Number one, we allow ourselves to be pressured into things that we would not do
otherwise. But now we feel that you know what we need to do that we need to give in simply because
it makes us feel that you know what, there is harmony that is taking place. And of course that is
not acceptable as well. We do not speak up when we see the wrong a person who is considering us or
we're considering them. They will be doing something that is wrong. Yet we keep quiet about it.
		

			Why do we keep quiet? Well, if I say anything right now, what will happen? They might change their
mind, they might think that I am too aggressive, they might think that I am very difficult to
handle. So what do I do? I choose to be quiet. But once I choose to be quiet right there, I am
already doing what I am already, you know, editing some of my values, I am giving up some of my
sense of self or not disclosing our beliefs on controversial issues. So, what do you think? I find
out what you think so that now, I think what you think, but in reality, I think differently, but
what I do, for the sake of keeping this harmoniously what happens? I, I don't speak up, I just agree
		

			with you. And sometimes we may even be pressured in participating in activities that we would
normally avoid. You know, sadly, I have seen sisters, and this is really sad. I have seen sisters
who took off their hijab, I have seen sisters who participated in parties, and in three loose
mingling, and every time you say, but why said you know, my husband would get mad every time we
don't do it, my husband would be very upset. So I want to bring harmony into the house. So what do
we end up doing is that we end up giving one piece of us after another. So today, I took off my
hijab, tomorrow, I am doing this the next day, I am doing that. So we are being stripped away of the
		

			sense of ourselves. You don't want to do this, we do not compromise our principles. Neither before
nor after, but most importantly, is that we cannot be guilty of premature compromise. Otherwise,
this is what will end up happening to us. Why do we compromise them or participate in activities
that we normally would not participate in? Oh, I don't like to gossip. I don't like to speak about
people behind their back. But this person seems to enjoy it. So what do I do? I go along with it
simply because, you know, it does seem like you know, there is harmony, we're getting along. So and
I like this illusion of the fact that we are getting along so I just go along with it. We're going
		

			to take a short break and we will be back so please stay tuned in Sharla