Yassir Fazaga – Before You Say I Do – EP11 – PT 1

			together hand in hand, Allah has given you a companion and friend to stay and always be seen as man
and wife, fulfilling the deen From this day on forever be true.
		

			Are we lacking money shaytani r rajim Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu salam ala rasulillah. All
praise is due to Allah and made his peace and blessings be upon our beloved prophet muhammad
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. We begin by greeting our brothers and sisters as well as our viewers
saying, assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.
		

			Good to be with you. Again, we're still talking about the notion of people getting or wanting to get
married for the wrong reasons. And so far, we have mentioned three of them, we spoke about pressure,
we spoke about loneliness and desperation. And then we spoke about sexual hungry, meaning that
people do not really intend to get married for the sake of getting married for all the good reasons
of getting married. Rather, they are either pressured into it, or they make poor choices, because
they are lonely and desperate, or because they have reached their sexual hunger limit. And before we
move on to the next one, let me just say one thing, it is so sad that sometimes when people are
		

			employed abroad, outside of their either city or the vicinity that they live in, or sometimes in a
different country, some of these laws and regulations are so unfair, such as a person walks outside,
yet, they're not allowed to bring in their family with them. And at the same time, they're not given
enough vacation time to go back to their families. And what makes this sad is that a person is
technically married, but practically, they are far removed away from their home. So they neither
have access to their spouses, they don't have access to their children. And this can go on for two
years. In some places, people are allowed to take vacations only once every two years. And we're
		

			hoping that something like this would change, simply because it is very unfair for the people who
are going there, giving their labor giving their skills, giving their sweat, to the betterment of
the country that they go to yet, this is the kind of dealing that is taking place. And that is, of
course, an Islamic and as I was reminded earlier on that of the incident, when Omar was walking in
the evening, in Medina or at night, he heard this woman reciting poetry. And she was reciting the
poetry of how much she misses her husband. And had it not been that Allah subhanaw taala is ever
watching her, she made a statement that this bed would have been shaken with people being on bed
		

			with her. And Omar was so shocked when he heard this and he went and he asked his daughter as to how
long can a woman withhold without her husband. And she pointed out that it was about four months.
And Omar made a decision then that no army should be dispatched for a period of more than four
months, meaning that people ought to be allowed to come back to their families to enjoy what they
have done. And that is to enjoy their marriage and enjoy their children enjoy their spouses. So
sometimes, even though people are married, but unfortunately, they are forced into a position like
this with a fourth reason. Sometimes people want to get married, because it offers a distraction
		

			from their own life. Like we said, it could be either family problems, it could be legal issues, or
sometimes some people are just not doing well at school. They're not doing well at school. So what
do they do say, Well, I don't have a good job, I am not doing well at school, I might as well just
get married, it provides escape for me. And when that happens, we think that we found the right
person, only to serve us as an excuse to avoid our own problems in life. And of course, remember,
whenever we do this, we are usually compromising our principles and the values that we wanted in our
partner. And some people have relationships because they are bored with the lack of passion in their
		

			own life, the lack of purpose in their lives. So they get into love affairs, and make that their
purpose. And what happens at that point is that the people fall in love with the distraction, but
not necessarily was the person. They don't like how they life is at this point. So they pretend that
they found the person and they liked it this way. But what they really like is that it has offered
them at
		

			distraction from their own life. Let me give you another example. Somebody is having a problem with
his wife. Okay? Now there are several options, you can either work on the problems with your wife,
or what can you do,
		

			you can think of, or you can think of divorce, or you can think of a second wife, okay? And what
happens is that the minute you start thinking this way, you know what happens, you put very little
effort in your first marriage. Very similar to what we said earlier about the idea of emotional
affairs. What it does is that now you begin directing your emotional energies outside your home,
remember when we spoke about emotional energies, and how we want somebody to direct our emotional
energies to and have that reciprocated by them, the minute we have problems with this, and we find
somebody else to direct our emotional energy store, you know, what happens is that we are left with
		

			very little to give our own families. So that becomes a distraction from our problems. Pay attention
to this, because sometimes we think that you know what, what we're doing is right, and it may be it
may look, right, but in reality, it offers a nice distraction, from the problems that we're having,
does that make sense to people moving on also another wrong reason for why we want to get married.
Sometimes people just have emotional gaps, very similar to the people that were lonely, and they
were desperate. Now with these people, it's an emotional and spiritual gap. What happens when we are
empty, emotionally and spiritually, we get involved to fill ourselves up, rather than because we
		

			have found somebody who is right for us. Now, this is the whole idea of getting into it for the
wrong reasons. It is not really the person that we found, but rather, it is what the opportunity of
marriage is offering us. And regardless of or regardless of, who is the person that we are going to
be with? Does that make sense? Okay, remember, all these reasons is, the concentration is on the
situation, and not necessarily is on the individual. And the minute we do this, we overlook all the
major issues that could be going on with the individual. And we're just satisfied with either the
solutions for our legal issues getting away from the family that mistreats us, or sometimes we may
		

			even feel that we are filled up emotionally and spiritually, or you look to others to fill you up in
ways you should be filling yourself. This is a very crucial, important point. And that is, when some
people are spiritually empty, there is a spiritual gap in their lives. What do we do usually say, I
want to get married to become a better Muslim. Well, that's really nice, that marriage does offer us
that opportunity, we can get married, and hopefully our spouse would encourage us to become better
Muslims. But remember this, there are certain things in life that you should do to yourself
independent, whether people are around you or they are not around you. And one of them is being a
		

			better Muslim. One of them is being a person who is emotionally and spiritually filled, not
necessarily to the maths, but at least you have what it takes to carry you on as an individual. So
sometimes we say, you know what, I want to get married, because I want to be a better minister, what
happens if you never get married? you saying that you have absolutely no chance of becoming a better
Muslim? Why I'm feeling so much emotional empty. So now we become emotionally in love with love, and
not necessarily with the person. So please do pay attention to this one. as well. This is an
interesting one.
		

			People get married because they feel guilty. I have had people who came to the message and they
said, They're such nice people. They like me so much. I just can't say no to them.
		

			They don't necessarily like them, but they're feeling so guilty. Or my mom loves this girl so much.
I can't say no, I feel so bad for saying no. Or my dad picked this guy for me and my dad loves him
so much. And I cannot say no. So people start feeling guilty. And they're not really interested in
that individual. But what happens now that they go along with it, this is pressure coming the other
way, guilt and some cultures or built on taking people on a guilt trip, you make people feel guilty.
In many cultures, you know, parents would say to their children or be mad at you. So children do it
out of guilt. Or, you know, if you do this, I'll never talk to you again and start doing and raising
		

			people
		

			just feeling guilty all the time. So what happens is that people would say I did not want to hurt
his or her feelings, or they have a hard time saying no to people or something.
		

			People feel responsible for making other people happy. And they become what they call the suffering
companion, give you an example. I know of a situation where a family had a brother, a son, that had
some mental difficulties, the person was very, very depressed. And they were just you know, every
now and then they would be admitted in an out of a mental Institute.
		

			And his family stopped having fun.
		

			You come into the house, nobody would be laughing. You come into the house, people just don't do
anything fun. And even when they are invited to weddings, and what have you, they just go to the
wedding, they show up there, they give their gift, and they come back immediately. They do not
become part of that, you know, joyful spirit. And you know why they did this is that because they
felt so guilty for having fun, if there is a family member that was not doing well. And what they
refer to this is, as people who are engaged into becoming suffering companions, don't know what I'm
talking about. That is such an important issue. If they are not having as much fun as I am, I cannot
		

			have fun. So we become literally suffering companions, we are their companions in their suffering.
And remember, this, by us becoming like them is not only changing their situation, what is happening
is that we're just becoming like them. That's it. And that's why Remember what we said the other
day, that attitude is very contagious.
		

			attitude is very contagious. So you do not want to become a suffering confined. But most important
is we do not want to be motivated by guilt. We want to be motivated by love. We want to be with this
person, not because we're guilty, or we're feeling guilty. We want to be with this person, because
we are motivated by love. We want to be with this person for the sake of this person, not because I
feel guilty about it. Guilt sometimes is justifiable. But if guilt does this to us, then that's a
very unhealthy of people. So we want to be motivated by love, we do not want to be motivated by
guilt. Now, remember what we talked about? We said that people end up in bad relationships, either
		

			because they got into the relationship for the wrong reasons, or because they ended up in the
relationship with the wrong person. Very quickly, what are the wrong reasons? pressure, loneliness
and desperation, sexual hunger, distraction from your own life problems, trying to fill a spiritual
or an emotional gap or guilt. Good. These are some of the wrong reasons why people get into a
relationship. Now we want to talk about
		

			the fact that we do not want to end up with the wrong person. There are 10 types of people we must
avoid. And we will speak about all 10 of them. Actually, we will have fun talking about all 10 of
them in sha Allah. But here I write a produce section in the market or in the supermarket. You know
how sometimes people go into the supermarket to buy products.
		

			You'll know what I'm talking about. Maybe you don't, but I suggest that you stay tuned to find out
what it is that we will be talking about. So we'll take a quick break and we will be back with the
produce section. Don't go away.