Yaser Birjas – TaSeel #45 QA
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The speakers discuss the negative consequences of dysfunctional relationships and the importance of learning about one's rights and obligations to avoid harms, including financial loss and loss of hope. They suggest giving a private gift to someone apologizing for their mistake and finding the right person to handle relationships. The speakers stress the importance of avoiding harms, learning about one's rights and obligations, staying from intimacy, and being careful with behavior. They also mention the concept of "the love for Allah" and caution against taking a shower and reckless behavior.
AI: Summary ©
Assalamu alaikum says how to rectify a zulm
done on others
if they don't know and you are embarrassed
to tell them or you cannot contact them
anymore? Very good question.
If I may ask the brothers in the
back, if you guys are gonna have any
conversation that you, move outside Zagmalakha.
So how to rectify Dhulm? If you know
that you've caught you've you've wronged somebody,
they don't know that you did. Maybe you
spoke ill about them in some gatherings, maybe
you caused them with your some,
statement you did say about them, you caused
them financial loss here and there, whatever, or
you maybe you stole from from their property.
How can you rectify the situation?
Now, you look at the circumstances.
If the person is receptive
that you come remorseful and you tell them
that, you know what, look, this happened because
of me, I wanna apologize to you, I
wanna give you back what I owe you,
and you know that they're not gonna cause
any damage, then, alhamdulillah, you should do that.
But if you think that going openly towards
them, they're gonna cause more damage, then in
this case, try to rectify this without them
knowing. So if you spoke ill about them
in private gatherings, go to these people that
you know, that you remember as many as
you can.
You're gonna let them know like the the
other day I spoke about this brother, this
sister, I wanna apologize, I wanna say, Assafu
Allah that was wrong,
and fix it there. If there was financial
loss because of you that you caused them
and you still have the money, you can
give it to them in one way or
another.
A private gift, something, you know, they don't
know how it came to them, whatever that
is. Send it through a third party who
can deliver that without knowing it. But just
you need to make sure that you,
you,
try your best to reconcile in this dunya
before the akhirah.
So, would you get rewarded if you marry
a second wife and fear Allah?
Is it a dunya option that's neutral or
is it praiseworthy such as marrying your first
wife?
Well, look, I mean, when it comes of
of ta'adud, it's the sun of the prophet
Depends on how you wanna define sun over
here. Does it mean sunnah that you need
to follow?
Or sunnah means that a practice of the
prophet
This is not for everybody. Not everybody can
really afford a second wife, a third wife,
a fourth wife. If you don't have the
money for it, if you don't have the
energy for it, if you don't have the
the really the the I mean, the, the
steel nerves, I would say, to be able
to manage households
like this,
then don't do it.
Some people, unfortunately, just fantasize about this matter.
It's a fantasy for them. And, they just
want to take risk and and do that.
Look, I personally believe it's a solution for
a real problem. As we see in the
society these days, alhamdulillah, they have a lot
of sisters who are unmarried,
single moms,
many many issues unfortunately that some even sisters,
they come and they say, look, I lost
hope in being an only wife.
And they are willing, for example, to be
a second wife, because they know that the
reality is actually is otherwise. So, yeah. If
someone
has all the right circumstances,
and they're willing to do it for the
sake of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and make
things right, then
let them do it if they want to
do that. However,
the consequences of all of that is on
you.
If you're not in good terms with your
wife, with your first wife, or you're unable
to manage these households and so forth, then
you better, as Allah says,
Then be pleased and be satisfied with 1.
That's enough for you. Now,
Who decides when the relationship has become dysfunctional?
Well, it depends on the haqquq. We saw
we talked about rights and obligations. If the
wife is not fulfilling her husband's right and
the husband is not fulfilling his wife's rights,
now this becomes dangerous.
And if it continues like this, it becomes
toxic then it becomes dysfunctional, like no one
is is is, is seeing any rahma. There
is no rahma, there is no mercy, there
is no sakina,
and and endangering
our akhirah as well too because
you're being valim to each other. You have
dulm,
injustice against each other. So who decides if
that's dysfunctional or not? I mean, if it's
if you're unable to tell that your relationship
is dysfunctional,
then go and ask,
therapists, counselors.
Let them know. Maybe you think that the
relationship should run like that. Like, subhanAllah, I
remember many many years back a sister came
to me
asking about the
her relationship situation and marriage.
To my surprise, she had no clue that
that the situation the relationship was toxic relationship
and was actually dysfunctional
because she never knew
any better.
She lived under this circumstances for so long
but then she started hearing from other people
that this is haram, what he's doing, this
is wrong, this is not acceptable, and then
she came ask her about it. So I'm
just like, wow, yeah. I mean this is
wrong, this is haram, this is not acceptable.
And subhanallah, some people they just have no
idea, Ola.
How about discipline the husband?
Now,
like, especially if the husband, he made poor
financial situation and and circumstances, caused the lady
financial loss.
So I do have to keep track of
every financial move and so Allah, may Allah
make it easy for her. I mean, if
that situation,
if the husband is completely irresponsible,
then definition of the Sharia, a financial responsibility
obviously or immaturity, that's the definition of Safi,
which means foolish person.
And the foolish person in the Rosh you
have to have interdiction on them. They have
no they they have they are not allowed
to have access to financially any assets.
Instead,
you have to assign somebody,
a guardian,
to make sure that the finances actually been
spent properly for the household's benefits. That's it.
So if you can find something, but if
he's
not and he's not doing the
right thing about it,
it's haram, it's dulm, injustice, and therefore it
needs to be rectified. However,
this question particularly is a claim.
Because when you claim that someone is mismanaging,
is doing this and doing that, that's a
claim that requires what? Hearing from the other
side. So you would know exactly if they
incorporate cooperate to their statement then yeah, then
we go into saying this is right, this
is wrong. But, like I said, if he
is not responsible
at all,
like he is just,
wasting the money right and left,
then in this case, there has to be
some sort of way of control that that
that wealth and the money.
So what if, in regard to the subject
of neshuus, the rebellious, basically, in a relationship,
what if the husband thinks that she is
rebellious and he does the process of neshuus,
but the matter is actually that he doesn't
understand how to build a successful marriage and
understand how women work or how to deal
with them and they misunderstand the situation.
That is true. That's a possibility
that, you know, every man thinks that because
the wife says no for something, he thinks
this is actually justified for him to go
with the discipline,
in the relationship.
No. You need to first of all educate
yourself about what is hard and what is
wrong.
And, there is nothing wrong of going and
learn and ask
as Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala kumal says in
the Quran.
If you don't know, go and ask those
who know. So if it's a matter of
marriage, go and ask those who have the
experience, whether you're elders, if you want to
go with the culture and tradition,
or if it's a matter of religious matter,
ask for example the knowledgeable person. And if
it's a matter of etiquette and a matter
of you know understanding relationship, then just go
to us to the to the expert, to
the therapist.
Just you need to learn so you can,
inshallah, do the right thing.
And again, we said that nushooz is in
regard to the rights and obligations, and these
are very clear in the Quran of the
sun of the prophet
Is it okay or allowed to be mad
at your husband?
Not to the extent to the extent of
turning away from him in bed but just
being angry with him, does the woman have
the right to,
to do so within reasonable means? Of course.
Even the wives of the prophet used to
be upset with him.
According to hadith,
hadil illa, the long hadith in Sur Bukhari
about the illa when the prophet
boy cut his wife. Why? Because
they used to give him the cold shoulder
and the silent treatment for for the for
the whole day.
I mean, Ahmed Al Khattab was he freaked
out when he heard that. He went to
his daughter Hafsa. I said, is that true?
You you you don't talk to the prophet
salallahu alaihi wasalam like this? Like you punish
him like that? She goes, yeah, sometimes we
stay silent until the whole until the night.
And he told her, he said, my dear
daughter, don't do this. You're not like Aisha.
Like Aisha can do it and get away
with it, but you can't. Be careful what
you wish for. And that led to the
Ilah story which is when the prophet said,
you know what? I'm done with this. Like
he was this is he was fed up
and he said, I'm I'm out. For a
whole month he said away from them salawatulahu
alaihi wa salamani. So, yeah, what reasonable means,
it's okay.
However, however, my recommendation is to understand that
when come to the subject of anger,
anger is not a problem in itself, it's
an indicator that there is a problem happening,
and that's just an expression of it. So
try to dig deep into what is the
real cause of this and try to talk
about and solve it instead of just being
angry all day with each other.
Okay. So, there's some sensitive questions over here.
I'm gonna have to bypass this right now,
maybe.
So, staying from, intimacy,
during menses means,
the actual * or all kind of intimacy?
Well, what is prohibited is the actual *.
But anything else, like for example, hugging and
and kissing and being, you know, together in
bed,
people need to be careful, so that if
they get too excited, it might actually violate
the rules and commit the haram, nam.
So somebody's asking about, if if someone wants
to marry a second wife who is financially,
independent,
is that permissible that she doesn't need anything,
for example, from that from that perspective?
Now,
that's what they call masyar.
She's basically she just she knows that she's
not gonna be able to find a man
to be an only wife with and she's
willing to be a second wife. Is that
acceptable in Islam that, you know what, they
make that arrangement?
Of course, as long as the nikah is
done properly with the shuhud and aqid
and Mahar
and and Wali and all that kind of
stuff, it's a it's a legal marriage, Islamic
marriage. And this will say the Islamic marriage
I would say. But it's up to them
in terms of the financial arrangement. Nah.
Okay. There are a lot of kids in
the gymnasium. These questions are very sensitive now.
Like, how do you convince your spouse to
be intimate with you when you know they're
shy and they kinda like they they don't
really initiate? Be
smart, Ajamal.
What can I say?
Be smart,
be close to each other, refine the the
environment and the ambiance and create the opportunity
inshallah.
May Allah bless you.
How is shirk was mentioned as a category
of dulm, wrongdoing in between you?
Well, Imam Biraj
says look the dulm is 2 types. Right?
So dulm is
is against you wronging yourself. That's what it
means. So basically like when you when you're
wrong between and somebody else,
committing shirk, first and foremost, it's against Allah
That's why it's actually is the greatest zul.
But to to whom?
Allah is not hurt by your shirk. Who's
gonna get
hurt? Yourself. So that's zulum
wronging your own self, that's why it's mentioned
in that category.
When we say associating anyone with Allah Subhanahu
Wa Ta'ala,
does it mean loving anyone more than you
love Allah
your children, your parents, your spouse? You're talking
about 2 different categories of love. So the
love for Allah
is one thing. The love the natural love
for for humans is okay as long as
you keep your love for humans within human
love. What does that mean?
So some people they love their spouse to
the extent that whatever they ask them, they're
willing to do it, even if it's haram.
Now that's worship right now.
If your wife if your wife or your
husband tells you to drink with them because
if you love me, let's go to the
bar together.
And you say just like, you know what?
Yeah. I love you. I'll do. No. That's
not worship. It's no longer no longer just
loving them right now.
But if, if you just you love them
so much so that that love does not
interfere with your duty to Allah
waking up for fajr, making your Ibadah, your
tua and so on, then that's fine. So
we should be okay inshaAllah. However however, the
prophet
says be careful.
He says
be careful when you love somebody. Love them
moderately,
perhaps one day you will see them to
be the most detestful person to you. Keep
it moderate. And when you dislike somebody, he
says also,
You might dislike them today, later on, Subhanallah,
things change and they become most beloved to
you so don't cut all ties with the
people, that's what it means.
So, after intimacy, a brief, wait period, and
rusul is made. I find there is still
a clear discharge from the male private.
Is, that's been noted as happened after praying
and tongues. What is the ruling on this?
If it's,
as you say here clear discharge,
then it only requires making wudu, that's it.
In order to make required wudu, basically when
you need to make salah, you need just
to watch the private part and make wudu
and it should be fine InshaAllahu ta'ala. But
if what is what is what you see
is still remain remaining from the actual *
then that's a different story and it depends.
Some alhamd, they say actually you don't have
to take another
because it come out,
gushing like it is from sha'u or from
desire, it just kinda like coming out just
like the meds, so you just wash it
and make wudu and you'll be fine, inshaAllah,
tarratul.
Sleeping in a state of major impurity. I
thought it was disliked to do so, and
also disliked to nurse a baby in that
state. The answer to this is actually I
don't know where you get that from but
if you have an evidence and proof of
it, please show it to us.
What we know is that no, it's not
disliked at all. I mean, it's recommended that
you make wudu before you go to sleep,
not take a shower. The prophet
one time he came to salat al fajr
To salat al fajr and when everybody was
lining up, he was about to start
then he said to the people,
wait here for me.
He went back home and then he came
back after some time and his head and
his hair was all dripping with water. What
does that mean?
He's the wussl. So what does that mean?
He forgot that he had actually janaba. Now
the janaba of the prophet sallallahu alaihi wa
sallam doesn't happen from a * for
sure because it's protected from that salallahu alayhi
wasalam, it becomes from the shaitaan. So it
has to be from actual intimacy which was
maybe earlier during the night that he forgot
it when he woke up for it for
Fajr salallahu alaihi wasallam. So he he slept
without having
wusl done.
And as for nursing the baby in that
state, it doesn't matter
because again
Your there is nothing wrong with that.
In terms of the physical Tahir, not the
the the the
the
If you're holding your wife's hand or arm,
and as you are talking with each other,
and she then she kind of like,
she pulls away rapidly and then,
that hurts her, Will you be answerable for
that if she gets hurt?
Well, I don't know what does that mean
exactly.
What what kind of pull are we talking
about over here? Was that during a fight
or you're just gonna be too romantic but
she's just kinda like,
accidentally?
I don't know what does that mean. However,
if it was deliberate obviously, then you owe
her that apology or at least own to
to reconcile about this matter. But if it
was accidental,
It's a mistake. Allah forgive us all.
Can you stop your husband from marrying a
second wife? Of course you can.
But is he gonna comply? And
I'm not saying that this is actually it's
a it's a for men just to be
reckless with this matter. SubhanAllah. You have to
also make sure that you do everything
right in the right way.
And it's not for everybody. Like I said,
as Allah
made it very clear.
You can't be you can't be completely always
fair.
So be careful. If you're unable to be
fair then don't risk yourself with that.