Marriage Makeover – Ep 3/5 – The Master Key – Haleh Banani
Allah has promised that we will be tested in life but specifically that we will be tested in our marriages. In this talk, Sister Haleh Banani gives us the master key to overcoming difficulties in our relationships.
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Salam Alaikum Quran Weekly, this is hollyburn it and today I'm going to talk to you about the key that will make any relationship better inshallah. This Villa was Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah was dying of this subsidy. Well Sunnah when nada, like Abiraterone in Allah, Allah hoschton. Allah is giving us a prescription, in patience through prayer, are we going to take this prescription, it's like going to the doctor, you're complaining about certain symptoms he gives you, the antibiotic tells you when to take it, but you don't take it. And then you end up saying that it didn't work, right. So we need to be sure that we're taking the prescription. It's interesting, because he gives
us an injection through our trials. So it could be a bad marriage, it could be trials through our kids through finances, but he also gives us the remedy. And the remedy is that you can go through this you can make it through by having patience, and how do you gain that patience is through the prayer. And it's really like when a teacher tells us that we're going to have an exam and she gives us all the answers. So it's just a matter of awareness, knowing that there will be a test, and then learning the material. When we face challenges, especially in our marriage, we really need to turn to Allah to gain that patience through prayer. It takes a reflective, mature person to control their
emotions. Only a person who fears accountability, harsh, will hold their tongue and not lash out. So let's reflect on prayer. There's been a lot of scientific research done about the effect of prayer on the brain. They've done some brain scans. And they've seen some noticeable differences between the brains, there's actual visible effect on the brains frontal lobe, the cortex actually becomes thicker. So there are some changes that are happening in our brain just by the fact that we are praying. And there was another study that was done very interesting. That said, it's not just the prayer, but your attachment to your Creator, that affects you the most. So if you have a secure
attachment to your Creator, where you trust Him, and you know that he's hearing your da, and he's going to answer you that secure attachment actually prevents you from any form of anxiety disorder. If you have an insecure attachment to your Creator, where you feel like your dogs are not being heard, that no matter what I do, it's not I'm not getting any kind of reaction, then that actually leads to a very severe anxiety disorder. Now we all know people who spend their time they're praying and making jaw, they're very dedicated. But yet they experience a lot of anxiety, they're not at peace with themselves. And that has to do with that relationship. I think this is a missing link
your connection with Allah. It's not just a matter of praying, but it's how you view a lot. And that is so incredible, we have to have cliffsnotes than to Allah think positively of him. And it reminds me at the Hadeeth footsy, I am as my servant thinks of me. So if we see a lot as being also forgiving, all loving, and that he will hear our dogs who will respond to our dogs that he doesn't burden us with more than we can handle that he is the most wise, then we are able to surrender and accept everything that happens when a person does not fully comprehend the names and attributes of a law, then they are not going to feel completely secure. They will make the opposite, they will still
feel anxious. I remember one client who was suffering from anxiety disorder, and she was really worried about the Islamophobia. She wasn't leaving her house. She hadn't left the house for almost a week. She was in constant state of worry, she couldn't sleep at night. And it was you know, it was ruining her life. And so what we had to work on was actually it was fine tuning the Arpita. Understanding that whatever is written for you is going to happen regardless of where you are, you can't hide out. You have to understand that everything unfolds as a law wants it to unfold. And when you trust that then you're able to
To be at peace with everything that is happening and not develop any form of anxiety, foster sovereign jameelah. So be patient with beautiful patients. How many times do we hear about the beautiful patients? And I think we need to reflect on this to see what does this sobran jameelah, this beautiful patience consists of, first of all, it's about being hopeful, optimistic, regardless of how bad things get, you don't give up hope, because you know, that a lot is capable of all things. When Mossad as salaam was, you know, was followed by the most ferocious army and he was backed up to the sea, the Red Sea, he didn't give up, everyone was like, we are dead meat we are
gonna be with That's it, it's over. But he had hope. He's like, Allah is with us. And it's that conviction that causes miracles to happen. He didn't give up. And we have to demonstrate our understandings of the names and attributes of Allah by being hopeful. Another way that we can show this beautiful patience is showing contentment is that
it needs to show on our facial expressions, it needs to show in our behavior, sometimes you have people are like, underlie I'm being patient. And if they're not showing it, it's not genuine. So we need to show it with our face, we need to show it with our behavior. And it also means not complaining, if you're having this beautiful patients, you know, sit there and complain about what you're going through all day long. Now, if you need to consult with someone to get advice, whether it's a chef or a therapist, that's very different. That's not about complaining, that's about coming up with solutions. But if you are constantly talking about the difficulty you're going through, that
is not sebenza nila, the fourth way is trusting the plan of a lot know that there is a master plan. And you have to have that conviction and be convinced that everything that is happening for you right now is the absolute best. It is like when you're constructing a building, at every stage, it's perfect, right? It may be incomplete. But every stage is perfect. When you're laying the foundation. That's what what needs to be happening right there when you're putting the pillars, and it may not have a roof, it may not have a window and you may look at it and think, Well what kind of house is this, but you have to realize that it is in a stage of becoming complete, right. And so the same
thing with the events in our life, certain things may happen that will totally make you feel like the rug has been pulled from underneath you. But you have to trust that this is happening in a perfect way. And to just be calm and peaceful, have patience with the intention that it is counted as worship. When you realize that your patience, the fact that you're dealing with your hardship with a sense of certainty, and you're not getting overwhelmed and you're not being too anxious, and it's being counted as worship, then you become even more patient. I remember a brother that I used to see in Egypt on my way to dropping my daughter to school every day he was homeless. And he was he
was paralyzed. And he was sitting in the middle of the street just on the side. And all he owned was actually a cardboard that covered him from the sun. And he had nothing else he relied on people to take him even to the bathroom. And he had nothing but his fur on. And any time I drove by and I would come in the morning I would come in the afternoon sometimes I would go in the evening because that's where my son's friend lives. I saw him constantly reading the Koran with such contentment. I was blown away by his sense of rather, anyone in a situation like that only one of the situations being homeless or being paralyzed or not owning anything. They would be completely devastated. They
would be crying day and night they would play the victim role, but Masha Allah, his suburb, his that was suburban jameelah anytime I would stop to to help them to give him a little charity. There was such a look of contentment, there was a complete smile. That was amazing. Another story I want to share with you was when a friend of mine in Egypt told me to go and visit a friend of hers in the hospital, got dressed up took flowers. And I was a little bit surprised because we didn't go to a hospital went to a place called Wi Fi and that really broken down place and the people who were there they were totally abandoned by their families. And we went and we saw this sister
who she was paralyzed from the neck down. And there was absolutely nothing around her. And the only thing I remember seeing was her beaming smile, her beaming smile could light up a room, Mashallah. And I was so impressed that whatever, we would ask her if she needed anything, if we could do anything for her, she just had a big smile, she kept saying Alhamdulillah, I will never forget her smile. And her contentment is such a lesson for all of us. Because no matter what you're going through, no matter what difficulty it is, whether you're having a hard time in your marriage, or you're going through some challenges financially, you're definitely not going through what this
brother and sister have gone through. And I think we need to remind ourselves to have that separate jameelah to have that beautiful patients where we're not complaining, we're fully content, and that we can have the hope. And we need to look at this as an opportunity for gaining reward that these difficulties that we're facing a lot is giving us, it's like a amazing opportunity to gain so much pleasure through what we're doing. Now, supper. Patience is one of the most important characteristics of a believer, and it actually affects every aspect of our life. It affects our worship our relationship, we can't succeed without patience. So if someone wants to pursue their
education, they have to be patient, they have to give up a lot of time, maybe a lot of sleep, they have to study, and they have to be patient, and that if you want to become a devout Muslim, and you want to worship properly, you need to be patient to wake up for fetcher, to fast during those hot summer days, all of that requires patience, and not to succumb to all the temptations that are out there. So without patience, you can't have a loving, harmonious relationship, it really requires patience, not to explode, not to hurt your spouse's feeling, to swallow your anger, to bite your tongue to hold back and not to give in to all of the temptations that are there. And to work out
your problems within your marriage that truly takes patience. And if someone can develop that, within themselves, this is again, going back to let's say that self development, working on your own patience, then you're able to resolve the issues that come up within your marriage. And you can have that suffering Janina, where you're hopeful, you are patient, and you are not complaining or feeling down. And the beauty and being patient is that knowing that you're going to be rewarded. And when you know you're being rewarded, you demonstrate your trust in Allah, by behaving properly, you know, that this is a test and I want to pass this test. So I'm going to be content, I'm going to
demonstrate my contentment, there was a story of a sister, she was about four months pregnant with her first child. And her husband called her and told her that he was laid off, they had no saving, they had no work, there was no support. And what she did when she got off the phone is that she went into servitude. And she thanked Allah, she thanked Allah for the test, because she knew that this is only coming from the one who loves her the most, and that it can't be happening without a reason. And that's admission, that feeling of trust that you know that things are happening, the way they're meant to be happening is what puts the peace and tranquility in your heart. So in the same way that
you show happiness and gratitude for the blessings, let's say you just got a new job, you got a new home just got married, you got kids, and you're so excited and you're happy. We need to be showing that same kind of gratitude towards the hardship now I know that's hard. It's hard to people are like what do you want me to say thank you a handler that I lost my job. Yes. You know why? Because there is wisdom in it. There is a beautiful lesson that you need to learn. And many times when my clients come to me and they tell me that you know what, I just got a divorce. I'm fed up I'm you know, I am suicidal, I'm depressed. I can't take it anymore. And I tell them you know, what is the
lesson here? What can you learn? There's nothing I can learn from this. This is all bad. Only bad things happen to me. I start getting them on that train of thought of what could what good can come out of this. What can you learn what is the wisdom? And then after some reflection, they start listing the things that are actually happening. That is really wonderful things right and they just never thought about
It, let's say an individual who lost their job. They're like, Okay, well, I could go back and pursue my education, I wanted to do my masters. And I never thought I had time. So now I can pursue my education, mainly this is, you know, my family is going through a really critical time right now, health wise than I need to really be there for my family. And they start seeing that the thing that they thought is the worst incident that could ever happen, is actually is a source of so much hate and so many blessings. And we're just, we just need to open our eyes to it, we need to search for it, we need to search for the good in the hardship. And being patient is something I want to specify
does not mean tolerating abuse, I know that a lot of sisters are dealing with the domestic violence. And when they go and talk to share, many of the shields are telling them, sister just be patient. being patient doesn't mean taking a beating, it really doesn't. And you need to differentiate between being patient within your relationship trying to work things out. And dealing with chronic abuse. I mean, it could happen once or twice, and the person wants to reform themselves, that's very different. But if it's chronic, this is really going to destroy yourself, and it's going to destroy your kids. So I just want to differentiate between patients and and tolerating abuse. This amazing
patience comes from having a genuine trust and a law. When you trust a law, then you're able to surrender to the plan. There is a incredible story, a heart wrenching story I want to share with you about a brother in Jordan, that his wife was in the kitchen, she was cooking, preparing a meal. And she had to step out, I think she had to go talk to a neighbor, something took her out of the house. And unfortunately, that meal caught on fire. And that led to the whole house burning down. Now when this brother came back home, and he found out that the house has been burned out, and that's not all of it, right? Because we can we can replace our things we can get a new home. The tragedy here is
that their three children were in the house, they were all in the house. So he lost his house. He lost his three kids. What do you think was his reaction? What would be your reaction? If your wife told you that she burned down the house with the children in it? It's really difficult to be patient when you're being tested. And your first reaction says a lot about your eemaan. It is the litmus test it is to figure out where you're standing is with a law and where you're at minus how are you going to react to something like this, what he did as he walked through the ashes. And he recognized that so much of his life was over. He went to the masjid and he did to Salatu Shakur, he thanked a
law for the fiber. I mean, that is the peak of him on when you can accept the things that happened that you think are tragedies, and yet being able to see wisdom or hikma or even if you don't see the wisdom, sometimes we don't understand. We don't know why this is happening. And yet we surrender to it because we trust a lie, we know that he would not do anything that is not the best. And in this process of trusting a law, I like to give you a very simple analogy. It is like getting your house renovated. Right, you will have old cabinets torn down, walls demolished. Now imagine if a person starts crying during this process, the houses You know, they're my cabinets, my floor, and they are
just crying and devastated by this, you would comfort them by saying new and better cabinets are coming Be patient. This is just a process. Right? So a lot of times our life is going through that renovation, we may have something be completely torn out. We may have a loved one that we lose, we may have a serious illness that we're dealing with. And this is just a process. So we need to have that trust and realize that everything is going to work out a personal experience I want to share with you it's just a few years ago, my family and I were living in Egypt and we came for the summer for a vacation. And during this vacation, we started seeing so many things unfold in Egypt there was
the military coup, and we didn't want to go back to that situation. And so we basically had decided to stay in the US. We didn't pack our home. We didn't say goodbye to our friends and we just we just stayed and it was a very unexpected
That move. And it was a very difficult thing emotionally for myself because I had thought that we're going to stay there until my my 10 year old daughter graduates. And so it really felt like the rug was pulled from underneath me. We were completely up in the air, we didn't know what to expect. But what took us through this was that conviction, that idea of knowing that everything is happening in the best way. And trusting a loss plan really allowed us to accept everything that was happening, I didn't have my things for six months, all we had were suitcases of clothes, summer clothes. And it was really like starting from scratch, just I want you to picture this, leaving your home for a
vacation. What do you take with you just take a bunch of clothes and some toiletries, and having to live with that for six months, six months of not having your things. And I think that was a very big test. And it really trained me to let go and to surrender and know that it's all happening for the best. And it did his hand a lot because we surrendered to it because we accepted and we trusted Alice plan. It was one of the best decisions that was made for us and have the law. And we're benefiting so much from being here now. And you know, in the same way that ants gather their food in the summer to survive the harsh winter days, we need to gather our eemaan through our worship
through studying the deed, in order to preserve us through the winter of hardship. Now we're all going to go through hardship. those tests are promised by Allah, Allah promises us that we're going to be tested. So as we are worshipping, we need to gather all of our eemaan and strengthen ourselves so that when we are faced with those tribulations, we can deal with it. Now, Allah tests us in many different ways. And their couture problems is what I like to call them because it is created with you in mind, your shortcomings, your insecurities, and it's there to clean your heart to overcome the sicknesses of the heart. Now, many times these trials and tribulations are within a marriage,
the marriage can sometimes be the biggest source of stress. Now all that peace, we were talking about the raw and the love, sometimes that is out the window, because of the different trials that people are facing sometimes is having a child with a disability, sometimes his financial situation, sometimes it's just being incompatible and arranged marriage where it just doesn't seem to work out. And these trials and tribulations can really affect you, if you're not careful. If you're not seeing it as a test, he might overreact. So you got to make sure that you're applying the patience within your marriage when you're being tested. Because that's when it really counts when you find that
things are not going your way when your spouse is not reacting to you or they're over looking your needs or they're not appreciating you, you need to practice that patience. You need to look at each difficulty as an exam, I like to look at it as if you're going to take the MCAT or the gra, what are you going to do, you're going to focus and pass the tests right? Regardless of the emotional issues that you may have had the night before, things you're worried about. You put all that aside, and you focus on passing. And that's what we need to do. When you're in the marriage and you're being tested. Just see it as a test, another test that you need to pass, how will you pass the test? It's
by having all of these characteristics, we're talking about having the sobran janila that you exercise beautiful patients, it's not enough to know about it right? It's so easy right now, with a click of a button. We have 1000s of scholars at our disposal, and we can gain all the knowledge, but it's about implementing that. That's the key. So we're learning about this, we need to apply it into our marriage. So you got to realize that anything great requires patience. And if we are striving towards Jana, we need to have patience, patience and our worship, patience and controlling our thoughts, our feelings, our desires. We need to even have patience and giving Dawa. You can't rush
hour. Look at the example of New Haven a Salaam 900 years of giving Dawa 900 years and a lot of times, we will give out to one person the second time third time. We're so fed up with it. We just we give up. So we need to be patient in every area of our life, specially in marriage.
I know that people are going through some really difficult tasks. And it is very difficult. I encourage you to get the support that you need, get the knowledge that you need and the tools that are necessary to help you through this, you know, through the rocky road, because if you deal with it properly, and if you're patient, not only are you going to have a better mirror, but you're going to be rewarded for having that subbrand jameelah this audio is brought to you by Muslim Central, please consider donating to help cover our running costs and future projects by visiting www dot Muslim central.com. forward slash donate