Marriage Makeover – 02 The 3 Components

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			Salam Alaikum Quran Weekly This is Hala banani and today I'm going to tell you about the three main
ingredients in having a loving marriage Bismillah was Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah woman I a tea
and Holla Holla come in for a second as watch on later school new Elijah watch Allah
		

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			and of his science. Women I see from His signs and Haleakala calm that he has created men and
forcing them from yourself as watch and that your spouse, your husband, your wife, Lee Tesco, new la
ha, so that you may find tranquility and peace, what Jalla beynac calm and he made between you, my
what, what are my that he has put between you that love and mercy in the fever like Allah is and
littleman yetta vacarro. So these are the signs for people who reflect this is one of the most
popular verses used in in weddings. And it's so critical for us to reflect on the meaning not just
from a spiritual sense, but also from a psychological perspective, that what is it that Allah is
		

			telling us is the recipe for having an amazing marriage. And we can extrapolate some of the most
essential marital lessons, really Allah is saying here is that the main purpose of marriage is to
provide you with peace. Allah is saying that front has signs you will find peace, it's guaranteed if
you follow the guidelines that he establishes. So basically, there are three purposes of marriage,
which is peace, love, and mercy. And these are also the three main ingredients for having a
successful marriage when you have a good marriage. And husbands and wives are loving and respectful
to one another. That affects the way that you raised your kids, the kids are going to be happy and
		

			confident. And as a family, they can contribute to the community. When you have broken homes, when
there's fighting when there's yelling, and there's emotional and physical abuse, it really affects
the children. And it a broken home leads to broken societies. I've had children that they were 15
years old having to stand between their mother and father, the father was about to strike the mom
and the child would have to stand there and try to protect her mother. Imagine how traumatic that is
imagine how broken this child feels. And so we really need to first focus on the marital
relationship improving that love and that mercy between the husband and wife before we even talk
		

			about having children and to meet and contributing to the community. Let's start with Lita schooner.
sukoon as you know, in touch weed means no movement, there's no hat icon. And that means to have
mental peace you need to stop you need to stop and connect with your spouse. You need to be a source
of comfort, support and understanding for your spouse. And being the first one your spouse will go
to for support and comfort. Look at the amazing example of how the tarantula and her how she was
there for the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam at his darkest hour of fear and confusion. She was
there to put hope and peace in his heart. And imagine her effort because she was so emotionally
		

			stable because she had worked on herself. And she was at such a level of maturity. She was able to
be there for her husband for Rasulullah Salallahu alaihe salam, and it was so admired that she got
salaams from Allah azza wa jal. Her act was so admirable, was so amazing that it got her to get
salaams from Allah azza wa jal anytime I think about that I get teary eyed, that what an amazing
wife she was, what effort and what comfort she provided the prophets Allah Allah is Allah and the
Prophet sallallahu Sallam was at the service of his family. He was a source of peace.
		

			He made the peace of the home if anything came up, he used his wisdom to resolve it in a very
diplomatic manner. majority of people are in turmoil. And because they lack conflict resolution,
actually, I say, conflict resolution is non existent. It's not the absence of conflict in a
marriage, but it's how the conflicts are handled, that makes for a great marriage. So basically,
there are three steps to conflict resolution. And our objective for conflict resolution is attaining
that peace, we want to have the peace, because most people when they don't apply conflict
resolution, when they're not communicating effectively, when they are not thinking about the other
		

			person, what happens is that they just basically explode, they have a fight, and nothing gets
resolved. So wanting to do it in a proper manner. And having conflict resolution as your objective,
you are trying to attain the peace, that very piece that I was talking about in this first, that is
one of the purposes of marriage. So first thing we need to do is be aware of the timing, when you
want to bring up something, you need to make sure that your spouse is not overly tired, they're not
stressed out that they don't have, they're not preoccupied, because if you don't keep that in mind,
and you approach them at the wrong time, what happens, you see that if there's an explosion, because
		

			you're not considering their feelings, you're not considering the fact that they may have a
deadline, they're pressured, they're hungry, they're stressed, whatever it is, maybe they're losing
a loved one, maybe they're sick, something is going on. And if you are oblivious to what's going on
with your spouse's life, or their emotional state, and you just want to resolve the conflict, they
will not be open and receptive. So we need to make sure that we approach our spouse at the right
time. And the second thing is, observe, don't criticize, observe, don't criticize meaning what that
if you see something is not the way you like it, you just make an observation you state that, you
		

			know, I noticed that the house has not been maintained. Are you okay? Are you overwhelmed? Is there
anything I can do to help? Rather than criticizing that you never clean up? I mean, look at this
mess, what's wrong with you had all day? Why can't you get your act together to see how that
criticism will really feel like an attack, and the person is obviously going to feel defensive? So
you make an observation, I noticed that the bills were not paid. And we have like some we have some
late fees. Is there something I can do to help out? Are you feeling a little bit stressed about
doing the bills? Can I help out in some way? That's making an observation you not criticize the
		

			criticism with be like, I can't believe how careless you are? You didn't pay the bill. So now we
have all these late fees, how can you be so indifferent, right, so that becomes a personal attack,
being aware of your spouse's emotional state, being aware of timing, observing and not criticizing,
you're showing that you are in tune with your spouse, you don't want to hurt their feelings, you
don't want to overwhelm them. So this is a form of Rama. So we said that the conflict resolution
wanting conflict resolution that has to do with the objective of gaining peace in your home, you're
not just going to explode, you want to have a method of resolving your problems, being aware of the
		

			timing, and observing, not criticizing, that's all about Rama having mercy. The third way is to
defuse the tension. Many times when you get into an argument with your spouse, there's a lot of
tension. Everyone feels super sensitive. And so it's really important to find out what would help
your spouse release some of the tension. With some sisters, they say All I need is a hug. If they
get hug at the time of an argument, everything subsides. So they just need a little bit of
affection. Sometimes you can agree on using humor, not be careful, don't be sarcastic about your
spouse, you have to use humor that you know, will make your spouse laugh, you're not laughing at
		

			them, you're laughing together. And then basically taking some time out making that a time to maybe
just relax, maybe go for a walk and so that you're not escalating the tension. And of course,
there's a lot to discuss about how to come to a compromise, which we don't have time to get into
right now. But these are the first primary steps in resolving the conflict. One of Allah's Name is
what dude, which is love. And that is one of the names that we need to emulate this movie. This
		

			Love, it creates a friendship, love, you have to look at love as a verb, that you need to show your
love, you need to express it you need to do loving acts, it's not just a feeling a lot of times we
focus on the emotional aspect of love. We're just waiting to feel love. Love is a verb. And so we
need to express our love by showing it by doing kind acts loving actions, which will make your
spouse feel love. A lot of times we focus on love as being just a feeling. And we either feel it or
we don't Some people say I don't feel it anymore, I'm not in love with my spouse, well, you can't
wait for that love, you need to be proactive, you need to create the love. And this love leads to
		

			friendship, which is actually the second pillar of the five pillars marriage program. And they have
done studies that those individuals who have been married, the longest, and they're the happiest in
their relationship are the ones who have a lasting friendship. Because when you have a friendship
with your spouse, you're respectful you're loving, you have a good time with that. And that's what
makes for a long lasting relationship. So this is all about mawatha and the love. Now as far as the
raw, which is the mercy. This is a stronger form of love, because it is what makes you feel that
need to provide for your spouse physically and emotionally. You want to protect them, you want to
		

			provide for them. And obviously, if there's mercy, you don't want to hurt them in any way. You don't
want to hurt them emotionally, or physically. There's that sense of protection from verbal emotional
and physical abuse. The Hadith of the Prophet salallahu alaihe salam says that the Muslim is the one
that other Muslims are safe from their tongue, which is sarcasm and criticism and hands physical
violence. So unfortunately, many marriages are plagued with abuse. Where's the mercy? If you are
taking out your anger on your spouse, on the person who's looking to you for protection, for comfort
for peace, then where is that mercy? As a cognitive behavioral therapist, I work on changing the way
		

			that people think in order to change their behavior. So if you're thinking negatively, negatively
about your spouse all day, you heart will be filled with resentment and anger, and it's going to be
impossible to be merciful. This destroys your internal peace. So if you're thinking, I can't believe
he is so selfish, he is so greedy. I can't believe that he did this and all day long. You're
replaying all the negative things that your spouse did? Or you're thinking about how could she be?
So Carolyn? How could she be so selfish? How could she be so impossible? If you're thinking that all
day long? What is that going to do to you, you are going to be filled with anger and resentment, and
		

			you're going to become reactionary. And this will make you mess up the external piece of your
marriage, right? whatever is going on through your mind is going to affect your feelings. And those
feelings are going to affect your actions. So be really careful about having negative thoughts about
your spouse. Now, mercy implies this spiritual connection. It's a spiritual connection that develops
when you're married, which causes you to be affectionate, to be sympathetic and to be loving. And a
lot of times we think of marriage as completing half of your deen. And actually what it does is that
it will force you to work on your emotional state, it pushes you to develop the compassion, the
		

			patience and the faith. So it really completes that aspects of your deen as well. Many times we view
marriage as completing half our Deen because it's protecting us from so many of the temptations.
It's also completing half of our team and working on ourselves emotionally because we're pushed to
be more compassionate, more patient and more understanding. I think if we take these three
ingredients, the peace, the love and the mercy and we apply it into our marriage the way Allah
intended for us to experience our marriage, we will all have a better relationship inshallah. This
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			and future projects by visiting www dot Muslim central.com forward slash donate