Numan Attique – Navigating Gender Relations
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AI: Transcript ©
The way of Allah and the way of
the platform from the class I live is
the same.
And I see that here in this community.
And that's that's beautiful as beyond words.
Coming to the topic
is gender interactions.
So
it goes
without saying, I want you all to interact
with me. Inshallah. Okay?
So I want this to be interactive, engaging.
I don't want it to be me lecturing
on and on by myself.
Everybody
just bobbing their heads. Right?
See, that's what I did wrong. Right?
Okay.
So when it comes to this issue, it's
generally traditionally known as the the matter of
the matter of,
in our traditional vocabulary.
What that means is intermingling or intermixing,
of different things. And over here, it means
of the genders.
Now this topic
naturally
has quite a bit of sensitivity.
And that in and of itself
is a sign of Allah's mercy upon his
that we still have this sensitivity.
Just look around you. Look at the world
and what what's become of it, of society
itself, and what's come of it.
In such a world, you think, well,
everybody else is secularized, liberalized.
How about the Muslims?
Right? Why is this such a, you know,
such a point, oh my god. They're so,
demonic. They're so,
what's what are the catch phrases? Things that
people, backwards, patriarchal,
Right? Misogynistic,
etcetera. Go on and on. Right? Well, so
now, first, let's discuss the matter from a
overall lens. Right? And then let's get into
the meat of it, maybe like to add
up in any greeting.
This issue
kind of spearheads
a really big conversation.
And we're not gonna get into that today,
but I just wanna kind of, you know,
give home pitch to it in a way,
which is
the matter
of social norms,
social
values.
How society sees itself and how you see
yourself
in society.
Now if society has been built upon values,
and these values
are how you see yourself in people around
you,
naturally,
if you come with different values
and they tell you to do something else,
there's gonna be a problem.
And that's why generated action becomes a problem.
Right? This is why when it comes to
the issue, you have a lot of culture
involved. You have back home culture. You have
busy culture. Right? And so busy culture is
just
it's mind boggling, blah blah blah blah blah.
It's so beautiful. One side,
men and women are separate. When it comes
to,
hijabs go off. The clogs come off. And
everybody's
with one another. It's it's it's
it's it's mind boggling.
You know? How you go from one point
to the next? And then automatically, the next
day, then he clobbers back.
And you're like, what just happened here? But
it's absolutely normal.
Right? And then moms, you have other more,
you know, different cultures where it's like, no.
You know?
Even if you cross by them, house, this
is now how
crossing by law as a gender is how.
So you have real extremes here, and everybody
kind of tries to use
their own proofs to say
everything is
hot and everything is okay. They're
everybody's on, like, you know, they think they
have it all figured out. When, subhanallah, the
guidelines of the
on this issue
are really clear cut. You know? They're not
they're not,
ambiguous.
We have very clear cut
rules
on this matter.
And so
on that point,
why is it then today we have
so how is the MSA seen here at
different universities? How many universities are in Brisbane?
Excuse me for my lack of, knowledge here.
How many? 3. 3. 3 major ones. Yeah.
3 major ones. And I'm assuming each one
has an MSN. Siri, am I talking to?
Yeah.
Each one has an MSA? Yes. Okay. Cool.
And does each MSA have a different culture?
I'd say so. Yeah. You'd say so. Right?
Okay. Now, obviously,
in,
North America, we have a lot of MSA.
Right? Now the culture of MSA in the
past 15 to 20 years have has changed
so much that before we would speak to
sisters, you'd say
sister, can you please do this? Okay. No
worries. Okay.
Professionally, you're good. Nowadays,
Well, lucky. Their stories are weird.
The brother is sitting and there's a sister-in-law.
He's not.
And they're talking about Joanna cover issues.
I teach, well, lucky this is how I'm
gonna say things work now. There's certain ones
like this.
And it's not even, like, one off cases.
Right? So what happened here? Where did where
did,
where did it all go? Right?
How does this occur?
You know? I think one of the major
reasons for this,
and I'm sure all of you,
you know, everybody knows this, is the desensitization.
You know?
We live in such a hyper explicit
environment
that,
most things don't face us anymore.
Right?
You know, before it'd be the talk of
the ankle.
And now it's like, well, everything.
You guys are in Australia
and the is here. It's very bad. But
now,
not Facebook anymore because it's the norm.
Right? Everybody's in shorts here. You know? We
in Canada, we don't see that. In Canada,
it's, you know, somewhere
big fits in that 2, 3 months. You
have to stick it up. Here, the entire
year is like that.
Right? So
what happens? You become desensitized.
And everybody
you know, most most people, unfortunately,
are exposed to and are using or are
addicted
or habitually use,
you know, explicit content
that,
so what happens is it desensitizes
men and women.
And so what what would have
been
seem to be private, sensitive interactions before? I
don't seem to be whatever.
Yeah.
So
before I glanced at Aisha
would have been something
very inappropriate. And not today. Oh, hey. How
are you doing? Oh my god. Amazing.
You know, oh, you call me later. Oh,
sure. Sure. Everybody's
in the same room. Everybody's cracking jokes. You
all go together for dinner. You're all sitting
side by side. Right? And you're and you're
talking to one another. And somebody else is
talking about the weather and you're looking like,
the weather. Oh, yeah. The weather.
You know? So this type of this type
of situation has become very normal.
But,
unfortunately,
why is that the case?
As I mentioned, one of the major reasons
is
a lack of, not just iman, but a
but a real severe desensitization
in a deeper problem in society,
which is a thought it should become,
very normal,
very regular, and it's not something that,
you know, people think about. Does anybody else
have another reason as to why you guys
think this is the case nowadays?
Yes? I feel like ignorance in the concept
of some approach.
I would so, yes, for sure. Definitely ignorance
in regards to some knowledge, but I think
it has to do with the culture shift
itself.
Right? Would you guys agree with me?
I think it has to do with like
this massive culture shift that's occurred. But let's
get into
the clear cut rules.
There's no compromise on these. Alright? And then
we'll kind of
we'll kind of flush them out a little
bit.
First one is which
is seclusion.
Okay? This is a big no no.
Okay? You know, there's so many that speak
to this. You know, where the prophet
said, now everyone knows
that that man cannot be
inscluded
with a woman except if there is a
right? The other hadith that no man should
enter upon a woman except that there is
another man with him.
Okay? And then the theme is what that
we all know that there is not, but
a man and a woman except as a
terrible thing is? Japon. Japon. Okay. Very good.
Now does this now mean that,
say for instance, it's it's 12 in the
morning.
Do you guys use that for you, sir?
12 in the morning?
No?
It's 12
AM. Man, okay. I don't know. I said
midday.
Oh, my god. Yeah. Okay. I didn't realize
it midday. So it's 12 in the morning.
12 in the morning is 12 AM. That's
midnight. That's midnight. Yeah. Yeah. Do you guys
use that or no? No. I
sing. Okay. There we go. Another
another back and forth there. Okay. So so
it's it's midnight. Okay?
And you get to the elevator of your
condo
and
there's a sister inside.
Alright?
Are you going to say now? I'm not
gonna enter.
That's it. I'm not gonna go upstairs to
my floor?
And or say, for instance, you know, you're
grabbing an Uber or something and there's a
sister inside and you go and sit in
the front. Is this now
how
The scholars, they say here has to do
with when you and a woman are alone
in a place that is actually secluded. So,
like, a closed room where nobody has access
to.
A place nobody knows about.
Right? This is what would be technical
So if you do need to get on
an elevator
to go to your floor,
is this wrong technically?
Not really. Right?
But
I don't want you guys to take this
and be like, okay. You
know? Now I go into
taxis,
buses, you know, wherever. I'm going. That's sister.
No worries. She has said it's not. I
can go in the bus and sit right
by her. It's fine. That's okay.
That's that's that's not what I'm saying. Right?
Because
a lot of it has to do with
It has to do with intention. So let
me give you guys a scenario. Alright? Okay?
You guys ready for it? Scenarios as follows.
It's a it's a
really, really, really, like it was today. Alright?
And there's a sister standing waiting for a
bus.
Alright?
And she's being so wet. Okay? She's standing
there and you're crossing by in your car.
Should you stop and give her a ride?
Who says yes? Raise your hands.
Don't you raise your hands. She's not a
question.
She's not
a
Okay. Okay. Okay. She's not okay, Carlos. And,
technically,
that that one might work. Okay?
Okay, David. And we'll come to that one.
Please remind me of that. Alright.
The also here is, if you're a young
man and she's a young woman, no. Because
you don't wanna, you know, you don't wanna
be that 21 year old driving up in
your little, like, I don't know which fancy
cars you guys have here. Right? Back home,
if anybody wants to be, like, real cool,
they have challengers and stuff. Right? Americans, do
you walk by with your chains up? You
have music going? Sister,
come ride in my car. Let me take
you home. Right? That's not okay. This is
this is definitely not okay.
Right?
And,
you know, this is this is another real
big issue here, right? Because like,
It's okay. Let me give you another example
here. Alright? What if it's an older auntie?
That you
see and that she needs to be, that
you help her.
In this scenario,
it's fine. Just go on to you. Do
you follow? You're just gonna drop her off.
In 3, 4 minutes, that's fine.
But, see, I mean,
you you have to it's situational.
It's it's context based. Right? So,
you know,
what you can do for the younger sister
is you can pull down your window and
say, sister, I called you an Uber if
you really want it, if you really care
for her that much. Right? And, you can
tell her, you know what? Next time, read
the weather report beforehand.
Right? Before you're sending out here for a
bus.
Cool?
So that like, Annie, again, it's context based.
Right? So now I'm gonna ask the sisters
very well. I'm gonna ask your sisters,
in that scenario,
would you
rather prefer to stay in the ring
or get inside the car?
Stay in the ring. There you go. Right?
So I think I think it makes quite
a lot of sense. Right? As to as
to how these things
are moved.
It's quite logical. Any task, your need, any
task, your intention. Right? Now why am I
doing this?
Right? Why am I doing this? Right?
So, again, if you're really, really concerned for
her,
you know, you can just follow the bus.
And I swear it's not creepy.
It's not common.
Following the bus.
Making sure you go see where she lives.
Not at all. Right? Not at all. That's
not that's not that's not, creepy behavior at
all. Sorry.
Okay.
Let's move on to the next one. So,
that's and I think that's pretty clear as
to how that works, right? You need to
be separate with her in a place that
is not
ish.
Right. Here but remember, we just said to
hadith the prophet
where if 2 men enter upon
a woman, then this is not technically.
Right?
What would you guys say about that today?
Sisters, what do you think of that for
today?
Of 2 men
being with
a woman.
Any ideas, sister?
Would you guys think that is is that
fine?
No.
No.
Right? Why? Because, unfortunately, we we live in
a time
which is a time of.
You know? This is not this is not
a
situation of of
safety anymore, unfortunately.
You just because it's 2 brothers and sister,
this isn't a place of heaven.
Right?
That also means, you know, you can't be
in group chats laughing, sending emojis.
Like, a lot of old guys send that
emoji.
You know? You know, he knows why you
crack that joke on a group.
Right?
Like, these things, they
they come back to your knee. They come
back to your intention.
This is why when even
when he was asked for the of
that Allah knows what the eye, the treachery
of the eye was in the heart.
The example when he was asked, the example
he gave is that this is when
a group of men are sitting together.
And they all put their eyes down.
But then the one man,
he he quickly glances with his eyes.
And he puts them down again.
As in it, nobody, did anybody else find
out? No. But Allah knows what the treachery
of the eye was.
Right? So you don't even need to you
move your head. You can just, like, in
in in just a few seconds, go blah
blah blah and you got 3 right there.
Right?
So this so this has to do more
with
the next topic, which is
lowering the gates.
Right? Worldwide
and say to the believers,
the male believers to
lower their gaze, to guard their gaze.
And to guard their chastity.
That is more pure for them
Allah is very
all knowing
of what they
do or are applying. And then during the
next
day, and say to this email,
believing women.
It's for both women as well.
It's not just that men
need to guard their gaze
and that women don't need to guard their
gaze.
Both used to guard their gaze.
And notice how
Allah says it's first starting with guarding your
gaze
right after that you sing
to guard your chastity.
That is to say that
guarding your gaze
is what will lead to guarding your chastity.
But if you don't guard your gaze, then
everything in between is going to happen.
You know, you a woman is not gonna
just pop in front of you like this
and, you know, something hollow is gonna happen.
No. That's not what it happens. That's why
Omar just said, well, I'm gonna
go close to sin.
So everything in between is also hollow. It's
not just the gates. You know? Like, they
say, oh, the second gate is in it.
It's not just the gates. Right? Like, let's
start,
defining some of these parameters
of what
qualifies
as
guarding the gates. Right? And the and the
first
and tell the believers to guard from their
gates.
So there's different capacity of there there's different
positions on this. I
but, the one that I want to
explicate or use here is that
it's part of your gaze. So there's some
of your gaze
that won't lead to it and others of
it that will lead to it.
Right? So
say for instance, you're in an interview.
Who's interviewing you for this job?
There's a woman there.
Are you now going to look away from
the woman who's interviewing you?
No. That means you're lying about what's on
your resume.
Right?
Okay. You're in class.
You have a professor.
Alright?
You need to look at the board. You
need to look at the professor.
Right?
So there's certain scenarios
where this would be
apartments.
Right? Or you're at, you know, you're at
a restaurant, and the waitress comes, and you're
asking her, do
they,
do they cook the pork with the beef?
Or, do they separate?
Is it halal or is it not?
And you need to ask these questions. Right?
What
what what is it a problem, though?
When
it's when you start to notice it's actually
something that's hitting your heart.
It's actually something that, okay. Well, hold on.
This is,
this is turning into something else. At that
point, you look at it.
At that point, you look at it. Alright?
And, again, people are different. Not everybody is
the same. Just because you might be like,
oh, this is absolutely you know, like, I
didn't this is okay for me. For somebody
else, it might not be okay.
Right? For some others,
like,
Daphne from school, you is a good time.
And then he's still going, which is fine.
You know? For others, it's Fiona from Shrek,
and that's fine too.
Right?
So, you know, the the point is
it it really depends. Right? It really depends
on
what constitutes as that which
gets you to, as a man, gets you
to level 2 from level 1. Right?
Any?
Right?
So
that that would be the general idea of
lowering
the gaze. Right?
And as I said, it really depends on
the heart. Right?
And the state inside. And, unfortunately,
we're
many of us are so dead on the
inside because of usage
of * and other things that, you know,
we might not even feel like these things
actually lead to anything else. You know?
When they actually do, when they do.
Right? So it again,
the moment these interactions that are kind of
necessary
start to become that which is a fitment,
then you obviously, at that point, you need
to look on it. You look on it.
Right?
So this is how some of the scholars
interpret the second gates. Right? Where but this,
again, this is not,
this is not a, you know, if you
know that this waitress is a victim. Okay?
Or this girl used to, don't go in
there.
You know? Don't don't be like, oh, no.
I'm here because I need to order my
food.
You know? That don't do that.
Right?
Any questions on that part?
We'll get to the questions at the end.
Like,
the next portion
is having to do
with
covering
the. Right? And this is in the exact
same bag where Allah is just telling us
that the women need to cover their. So
both men and women need to cover their.
And, you know, the prophet
said that at the end of times, there
will be women who will be covered but
uncovered.
Right?
And, this is the case in a lot
of situations.
So especially if you're, like, working with,
others,
it you know, sisters, you need to make
sure that dish
says parameters are met but if not, then,
obviously, you can't go force yourself and say,
sisters, etcetera.
You're not you're not gonna go, you know,
do that because it doesn't make any sense
because again,
it's not gonna help.
Most of the times that does not help,
right?
It's not gonna fix the situation.
So, what do you do? Again, you lower
your case, right? You you do your level
best to mitigate that situation.
On that quote, I do wanna
I I wanna point out this, that some
brothers,
when it comes to Muslim sisters, very
strange.
But when it comes
to Daphne in real life,
no. No. No. You know, you're a buddy,
buddy. You sit close to them. You talk
to them. You chat them up.
You know, as if
they're not women anymore.
So what applies the way you're gonna teach
your Muslim sister
is the way you need to teach
non believing
women as well. Right? You can't you can't
be like this total different person, and a
lot of people do this. Right? A lot
of sisters don't think about this as well.
Right? They say that when he's when when
he comes to the MSA teams, when he
comes to our
and he's he's sold. But as soon as
he goes to his, like, classmates or he's
at his work, he's, like, a total different
person.
So it you need to be consistent in
your behavior when you're dealing with
with women.
Right? It it can't be that. Now just
because they're non believers now now, you know,
the filters come off and, you know, the
inner excitement of interacting,
comes out. Right? Because, again, it all comes
back to preserving yourself from * now. So
you know what? For some brothers,
literally for some brothers, they're a professor. I
might be a fits now brother.
But why? It might be because the like,
being able to
hold yourself back from opening up in conversations.
Right?
From
becoming explicit, from
starting to interpret things in the wrong way.
Right?
It might be deeply
a lot of the times, it has to
do with email.
It has to do with a lack of
email or something being deeply wrong. Right? There
being something dead about you on the inside.
Right? And this is the reason.
So it's not just that, oh, no. I
can't control myself.
You know? That's not just it. And, again,
this this goes for both men and women.
I'm not, Yani, I'm not excluding women from
this situation.
Right?
You know, which which is interesting because
many sisters, as I said, they'll they'll try
to have good as luck,
and they end
up committing
to something that a lot of us
Right? And they've been told to keep their
voices
serious, not to not not to lighten their
voices.
Right? So if a woman so if a
sister, she's thinking she's having good as laugh
by talking to her, how are you, brother?
How is everything? How is your family? How
are your courses? Oh my god. You've been
going through a tough time? Tell me more.
I guarantee you, sisters,
that this brother right now is thinking about
how many children he wants with you.
By that point, he thinks that you want
to marry him.
Right? And most probably on your end, you
were just being kind.
Right? But that turns into for the brother,
and this and the the end, it's not
just that the last is telling us, but
you have psychological research on this as well.
Right? Men interpret
a woman, like, making her voice lighter,
has treating you a certain way to they
they interpret all of this in oh my
god. Sisters need to calm down. I'm like
a hot commodity right now.
Right? Like, that's that's how a man interprets.
Let's be honest.
Right? This is why the prophet talks and
then say that I have not left my
a more richer fit for
men than women.
This is true. And likewise, women, men are
dangerous.
Right?
That's when you need a wedding.
Right?
That's when you're waiting for the conversations because
men are dangerous.
Right? They interpret everything in different ways. So,
sisters, I'm gonna ask you. If you're
just being kind to a brother,
how many times out of 10 is that
just
how many times out of 10 does that
mean you're interested in?
0.
0?
Okay. Let's be honest.
Maybe around 1 or 2. Okay? Let's let's
let's be a little bit honest. Maybe 1
or 2. Okay? For brothers, that's automatically a
10 out of 10.
Right? Automatically, it's just a 10 out of
10.
So, again, it needs to be professional, and,
yes, it does need to be curt.
It needs to be curt. And it needs
to be so there's 3 p's that you
should remember.
Okay?
Number 1, purpose.
They need to be purpose driven.
Number 2,
it needs to be
the place. It can't be in. It can't
be in seclusion.
Number 3,
with purity and intention.
Purity and intention. And, no, again, purity of
intention is not taking this sister alone in
the car, right, and dropping her off.
It's also not, you know, yeah, you need
to read me why am I doing what
I'm doing. This is why
when in the same where
Allah knows what you are plotting.
It might not be even that you started
off with the wrong intention. It might be
with a pure intention,
but slowly this intention is shifting.
Slowly, like, ask yourself, why am I picking
up these chairs in front of the sisters
and moving?
Okay? Why did I wear this shirt today
to the downside?
Why did I do why am I acting
a certain way? Why am I becoming everybody's
relationship council out all of a sudden
on the MS 18? Right? Why is this
happening?
Right? I mean, you need to ask yourself
these questions because at the end of the
day, purity and intention is where it's at.
So purpose
what was the second?
Place. Place?
What's the third? Pure. Pure intention. Pure intention.
In text.
Right?
Another point that you wanna bring up that
the way I wanna bring up is
men and women mixing in places of crowds.
Right? There's more than one reason for why
you shouldn't be attending an Ashish festival where
everybody's intermixed.
It's because the intermixing in being in such
a big gathering becomes a fitner.
It becomes a fitner itself.
Where women can be hard.
Where, you know, these things can occur. Right?
And so that's why they're all technically
the, any you know, the the the prohibition
of the is
when they have a separation.
When they have a separation. Right? So these
things are mixing and sitting by side by
side and all this other stuff, you know,
you know, going for MSA dinners as teams
together. Right?
Sitting side by side. This is this is
not okay.
Right? This is not okay.
And, you know, going back to the original
point, it doesn't matter what, other people say.
It doesn't matter what, oh my god, you
guys are so backwards.
You guys are so strict. You guys are
so this. You guys are so that. These
are timeless.
They're timeless.
They don't change. The sharia of Allah is
perfect from beginning till end. It does not
change.
It's for every
people in every place and time.
Let me make an example.
The whole Me Too movement, that curve, what
what year did Me Too happen?
Does any of you remember?
Who here knows about the Me Too movement?
Okay. Somebody wanna come with the Me Too
movement to us.
No. No. I mean, look. Look. It was
more than that. The feminist definitely took it
on and made it a whole thing. Right?
But it had to do with a lot
of scandals, sexual scandals,
coming out across
industries. Right? Everywhere. Big companies, Hollywood,
everywhere across the board. The all these scandals
started coming up. Right? And they and everybody
started saying me too. Me too. Me too.
Right? That, you know, I was, you know,
I've been harassed,
etcetera. I've been taking, you know, etcetera, etcetera.
And so these things are real. These things
are real. That's what did that do? It
changed the work culture.
Right? New policies started coming out. They started
saying you can't have
you can't literally glance
and make eye contact for 1 in 5
seconds.
These are policies in big companies now. You
can't be alone in a room with the
opposite gender,
without purpose and without documentation.
These these policies were enacted and are still
enacted
even after that.
Right?
Why?
Because they went through the tawahish
to then say, oh, look. There's a problem.
While Allah
has already told us that these are the
non compromisables.
And in them, we used to discuss
how you can kind of
work with
those understandings.
Okay. I think the last thing that I'm
gonna touch on and then inshallah,
I promise that I want this to be
interactive. So, I will force engagement if nobody
speaks to me and I'm gonna be honest.
Okay? And I'll start with the people who
I know their names. That's why I made
sure I take a few names.
So, everybody who knows I know their name,
you better watch out.
Okay? Last thing last thing is when it
comes to Internet interaction,
social media. Right? Is being alone with a
woman on a Zoom call?
Is being alone with a woman on a
Zoom call, in a messenger chat, or in
her DMs?
Is this
is this seclusion?
The answer is technically no, but it's a
different formality.
It's a different form. If you're in there
texting, typing away with one another,
giggling, and expressing your emotions, and becoming each
other's, like, friends, emotional friend benefits.
Right? That that that in of itself is
how.
That's how.
Right? And you know what? It's worse
because people online
will have less
inhibitors,
less things that are stopping them. Because, you
know, there's so many brothers who come to
me, so many, and sisters, not just brothers,
who say, I ended up saying and doing
things online that I would have never done
in person.
Why? Because in the back of your mind,
you're you're always telling yourself, oh, it'll never
reach to that.
She lives in the next city. I don't
even live there. It'll never reach to that.
But it does but, again, you forget that
everything in between is also how long.
Everything in between is also how
long. Right? So we we need to be
very careful.
Very, very careful. Right? And, no, just because
you have another person in the group chat
does not make it okay for you to
become emotional buddies now.
Right? Where you tell her all of your
rules and so on. Get married.
That's what marriage is for. Brothers and sisters,
I'm talking to you too. A lot of
sisters,
they do the same thing. They'll go from
man to man, and they'll use them emotionally.
You know? And the man is just sitting
there going, oh, really? Okay. Oh my god.
And he's just a friend,
as in you just emotionally use people.
Right? This is how
you know, this type of closeness,
what happens? It leads to inappropriateness.
And today,
you know, today,
back in the day, you used to have
locker locker talk. You know, like, guys used
to be in their locker rooms talking about
explicit stuff, inappropriate stuff.
And then women would, you know, they talk
by themselves.
Today,
all those barriers are down.
Everything is an explicit joke.
Everything is explicit behavior.
Right?
And just because everybody does it, doesn't make
it bad.
Just think about it. If you were in
the presence of
a
or in the presence of the prophet
you would never see these
things. So it doesn't make it okay. Just
because everybody else does it, doesn't make it
okay. We need to hold each other to
a higher level of.
You know, the prophet
said that each
has been given and,
and
my
is
that, you know, each is defined by a
characteristic,
and my
is defined by its by
its. Right? And so it's critical to be
able to maintain this hierarchy
in our circles.
Right? Certain getting calls, if certain jokes go
by and they're indirect or, you know, if
they have such a nature, then that's different.
But to be so explicit and vulgar and
obscene,
it's not okay. You know? Both for brothers
and sisters.
Right? A lot of times you hear just
brothers talk about, you know, this and that.
Sisters, there's the same thing happens with the
sisters. You get the same complaints. Sisters talk
to old people. You know, to just be
back.
Intermixing,
the boundaries in between them,
and the last one was
in a general way, social media, in a
general way. Right?
With
that, let's finish, and let's open up for
q and a and discussions.
It doesn't even need to be a question.
It can just be a comment. It can
be a thought. Go ahead.
For brothers and sisters.
But I think one of the big challenges
that we've seen through the years and more
so, right?
So naturally,
younger brothers here and their sisters next to,
inshallah,
they'd also like to potentially
get married, get to know one another.
So it's been one of the big difficulties
in the community
of how do they get to meet number
1, especially like we're saying.
If there is a level of modesty and
then the approach with
Muslim voice towards Muslim girls and vice versa.
But it's so much easier. You wanna speak
to a non Muslim voice.
Go for
it. She's there to talk to you. There's
no,
differentiation
like that.
How do we set up? Or what's the
advice
so that they can still
take it to that next level? Let's take
to no one another, mix appropriately,
develop that relationship so that we're going to
the other side.
So
that's a very good question.
About,
and this comes up a lot. Right? In
this type of discussion, which is, well, okay,
that's all handy and dabbied.
But, if I wanna get married,
then how am I supposed to get to
know who what type of person I wanna
marry?
And who?
You know?
So this is a good question.
Number 1, this is exactly why it was
good to participate
in the community.
Right? To be active in community affairs.
Right? To volunteer.
To
be known in the community. Because you know
what?
There's always that uncle, auntie
who will know
that the sisters, and they'll know the brothers.
And then they'll be able to connect the
dots. Right? And then,
honestly speaking,
the more you conversate
I I genuinely believe you don't need more
than 3 conversations
to be able to know if this person
is,
you know, somebody who you can marry or
somebody who you cannot. Right?
In in the first one, you know, you
get your kind of, like, not your deal
breakers out of the way, but to see
if there's compatibility.
Right? To see if okay. Well, do we
both kind
of
is there attraction? Is there is there basic
things? Okay?
That's second meeting, your deal breakers.
By their meeting, because there's nothing else to
really talk about. You're not in there and
chitchat and go on and, you know, go
on dates and have, like, you know, this
elaborate thing. Get married now.
How can you get at the very least?
Right?
And then, you know, you don't necessarily need
to move in with one another if you're
too young. Right? You can you can you
can now start going on dates and be
a for one another. Right? Because
you're not perfect. She's not perfect. You're gonna
find issues with one another. But if you
had the bare bone basics out of the
way, then the rest is with excellent excellence.
Right? And, you know, that's all. It shouldn't
be more than that. You know? There's there's
there's honestly not you you're never gonna know.
Nobody's perfect.
You know, this idea of my prince charming
and my princess,
you know, Cinderella.
Nothing like that. The shoe never fits.
The shoe never fits. I guarantee.
Yeah. Ask anybody who's been married at least
a couple of years. They'll tell you,
shoe never fits.
It's always a working progress.
So, you know, this idea of I need
to get to know them.
Is is this my life partner?
Oh my god. It's such a big dis
it is a big decision. But you know
what? We've been doing this for 1000 of
years, and it's been working.
You know? And you know what? Their marriages
don't work. That should tell you something.
There's a big problem here.
Right? So for you to say no, but
we live in a different society,
I that well, look at the problems of
this society.
You're right.
You know?
If if if if people kept things simple,
straightforward,
and kept to the parameters of the deen,
you'd see a lot more delicate in marriages.
Right? I'm not saying there's no horror stories
out there. Okay? I'm not I mean, everybody
deals with this. Right? That somebody who's who's
seems to be something and turns out to
be something else. But hold on.
If somebody
seems to be something
and turns out to be something else, then
that means it doesn't matter how long you
knew them beforehand. They were going to play
you anyway.
They're gonna play you anyway
because
if they're acting, they're acting.
Right? So
you need to get that as long as
they're known in the community.
Right? They're,
you know, people people down to them properly,
not just like, oh, no. Yeah. I know
him, but, no, I actually know this person.
You know? If that's there, these things are
there, took it on a lot of you
for. Right?
That's why it's important to be part of
the community,
to come to the messaging,
you know, to know other people.
You know, honestly speaking in in, in in
western communities,
this is,
if not, the only one of the most
important things. Right? Because if you go by
the DC Connect, you know, like, just the
DCR team, you have no guarantees.
You have no guarantees because the brother might
be, like, an accountant. No. I'm not trying
to pay on any of it, like, you
know, specifically, like, address. But, like, you might
be an accountant, might be an engineer, might
be a doctor. But But when you realize
this guy is, like, a serial cheater
or, you know, his sister looks like it,
jabby, but has a huge history.
Right? So that that that that's not necessarily
participating in the community, being active, being part
and this shows,
a love for the game. Right? And it
makes life a lot easier, actually, to get
married.
And to get married, it makes it a
lot easier. If you're known to be a
good person who's part of the community, Cox,
you've done more than half of the job.
Right? But if you're not active in your
communities, in your other things, you have you
have nothing to do with them, then you
you you cut yourself off effectively.
And nobody can vouch for you. Right? This
is why the prophet
said that
whoever 40 people in in some nations and
the nation of Muslim over a 100 people
pray upon his and his funeral
and they are all upright. They're all arrested.
You know Allah
forgive them. Why? Because if if 40 or
a 100 people saw him to be good,
then Omar says, I will see him to
be good inshallah.
Even though I know him better than he
knows his name.
And so, the same, the same applies when
it comes to marriage.
If 50 people have known this person for
a year or 2, 3 in the community,
good brother, you know,
he's he's active,
then,
what's there to doubt? What's there to doubt?
You know?
So, this gives you multiple reasons to be
active in the community. It's not just, that's
for the sake of Allah, but also for
the sake of a good marriage.
Right?
So can't these all go right in there?
And let's let's face it, you know, like,
watch the love of the
Are you guys married in your name?
Inshallah.
Love what I'm putting them out there. Right?
Inshallah, you know, we have wires that open
the gates for them. Be the light to
add. And everybody else who participates.
You know?
That's that's just how it's that's just how
it's. So
I I think the an exception to your
rule, unfortunately,
that
that that that that that would be an
example for
how how that can translate to getting married,
but I just wanted to ask, you know
Oh, I'm gonna that was that was a
harsh word. I I had I had to
appreciate. I'm I'm doing this.
No. My apologies for it.
How do you balance them the intention if,
you know, because the lines we get crossed
where you were,
I guess,
doing it
to try and build a reputation or get
to know people in the building because I
think it is good
get connected with the community. Like like, one
of the best ways is, volunteering, but then
also, you know,
you might be in these group chats. You
might
be in public settings and stuff like that.
You have to manage your,
intentions.
Right. Right. So, again,
there is no problem with having
multiple intentions.
The problem is when the secondary intention becomes
primary.
So when it's not for all love, but
it's actually for marriage.
That's the problem.
Right? That's the problem.
Let's face it. MSC is our matrimonial student
associations.
You know? That that type of stuff is,
you know, when it's quite problematic.
So
it
being professional,
being formal. Right?
When it comes to community, then remember, you're
here for the sake of the law, and
it's an act of worship.
And whatever benefits like the benefits of worship,
the benefits of being close to Allah are
primarily for yourself. Right?
The the purpose is
is worship of life.
The
the the benefits
of the of worship are for you, not
for Allah, for you. Allah does not need
your worship. So the utility
of worship is for yourself also.
Does that make sense? So that's why I
mean, say for instance, you know, you're at
you're doing something, like, you know, you're in
a profession that you're helping people. Right? And
you say it's for the sake of Allah,
but at the same time, you're making your
living from it. Right? There's nothing wrong with
that. As long as it's the ultimate purpose
is to serve Allah and you constantly renew
your intention. There's no one solution to intention.
That intention, you know,
was a life that I I he he
would say before I step out of the
house, I ask myself, oh, actually, why are
you leaving the house?
And if it is for anything other than
the sake of Allah, then it is better
for you to stay inside.
You have.
Right?
And this is, I mean, and they would
constantly check themselves throughout the day. Right? So,
this is this is part of life. They're
still giving. You will never know till the
day you die. Right? And a fear of
hypocrisy is a healthy fear. The fear of
hypocrisy is healthy.
To not have it is a disease.
To not have it is a disease.
If I'm all they loved, I I went
and
asked the companion
that did did did did the prophet
mean me from the?
He said, no.
They should they should tell you. They should
tell you that
to always ask, hey, man.
Is am I a hypocrite?
Do I have hypocrisy?
But this is this is very genuine, and
you need to constantly ask yourself.
Well, I know most people with some married
apps, I'm not gonna lie. They just function
as tenure
with I said I wanted to go on.
That's all. Right? That's all they are generally
speaking. But at the same time, I don't
wanna I don't wanna, like, say that they're
hollow per state.
As long as until you have very strict
conditions in how you use them. Right? It
can be that you're chatting on a sister
the whole night.
Right?
Or like, you know, you're going on on
dates.
Well, I do because it's with the intention
of marriage.
I, unfortunately, I have school new brothers that
just use it to get with Muslim sisters.
Oh, but it's with the intention of marriage.
How many boyfriends and girlfriends do you know
like that? So many.
So many.
They're Muslim?
But they say yes? It's with the intention
of
of marriage.
When?
Oh, we're too young. The parents won't accept
it. Okay? This is a problem. Is it
not a problem? Right? When are you planning
on getting married?
1 year? Nope. 2 year? Nope. 3 year?
Nope. 5 years? Yes.
What on
earth?
Right? This is this is a very popular
thing. Right? So again, if you're at the
right age
or if you're ready, there's an individual one
needs for marriage.
You know, you you have the capacities, the
capabilities,
and then you go on with specific conditions
where you're like, okay. Like, you know,
one conversation
and then
can you please provide me your lady's number?
So you start off with the lady's number
and then the conversation.
Certain conditions, obviously, will make it better.
I'm not I'm not saying you can't. I
know people who've gotten married very much and
love. They have happy marriage and then you
have and you have the not so happy
and, you know, so on. So, again, it's
it's it's it really depends. Very
Yeah. I mean, look, contents plays part. Right?
Like, you can't be chilling around emails, you
know, chatting them up and, like, you know,
like, having a good time and laughing and,
you know, and her go, oh my god.
That was so funny.
And you're like, oh, yeah. You know? Like,
that type of like, I this
to have such an environment
is a problem. It's how long. You follow
what I'm saying. Right? You can't.
Look. I know this might come as a
shock to you, but I'm sure it shouldn't
after the conversation that we've just had, but
there's no such thing as a female friend
for a man. Likewise, for a woman, there's
no such thing as a male friend.
That does not exist.
There's no such thing.
And I hope everything we just spoke of
shows you why that's not capable. You can't
be friends because this type of emotional attachment
to a non mahal, to somebody who you
can marry potentially.
It doesn't matter if you call her sister.
Doesn't matter if she calls you brother.
Okay?
And no. It doesn't matter if you're cousins.
Right? Because you can marry your cousin. They
see you know that. They always get married
to their cousins.
They're hanging.
Like, it it it's you you can't have
those environments.
You have to do your love. You have
to do your love of us to engage
in a formal manner.
When I say formal, I mean, don't be
opening up and telling your life story and
your soft stories and your emotions and or
jokes and, you know, chatting people up, you
know,
you know,
yeah. So in group, they say, you know,
to,
us, you know, to, to have, like, a,
you know, like a fairy, like, oh my
god. You're like a very hip, very relaxed
dude with the woman and, you know, be
like that with your friends.
Be like that with your friends.
Right? But not with I mean, and that
too. Within the boundaries.
Just so nobody starts thinking that you swing
the other way. Right? So, yeah, you
you you have to have for value. You
have to have for value.
So, yeah, does that answer your question? You
you like those those those parameters that we've
spoken of. Right? What were the parameters very
quickly telling you guys? Is that what you
tell me? What are the parameters?
Number 1, seclusion.
And what okay. Number 2 was?
Sublime. Lowering?
The gaze. The gaze. Alright?
And then he said the 3 p's lower
day? Like
Purpose? Like a place? Place? And? Period of
intention.
Okay? So it can't be that you started
with a good purpose. You're in the right
place and you had a period of intention,
but it turned into a 2 hour conversation.
Is that okay?
Is it okay?
Purity of intention, brothers.
Come on.
It's so pure. 2 hours long.
No. Oh, it's Annie. It needs to it
needs to end when the discussion is finished.
Right?
You can't be dragging it off.
I have this really horrible situation happened a
few months where sisters came to me to
ask me if my husband's for them. I
said, okay. I asked them one question. What
are you looking for in a husband? I
was sitting there for an hour and a
half.
That
that
that was awesome.
Like,
any questions from the sister's
side? Okay. Well, let them think. Yes.
So I believe you, previously question on this
that it's in regards to,
Islamic tutorials
and
in regards to especially when it's, like,
Again, these as I said, these things, like,
ideally,
a little separation in this computer, that means
the 2 party person separately. Right?
And,
you know, then calls at that point is
when the separation is there, then a lot
of the things are factors dependent on culture
and other substance. Right? Ideally,
you know,
a separation where
especially if they're young people. Like, right now,
you guys are young. Yes? So if there
was, like, absolutely no barrier between you guys,
that's not the best
situation. You follow what I'm saying. Right?
So a level of barrier is.
So, again, it depends from situation to situation.
In culture to culture as well. These these
sub factors are cultural.
Like, in certain cultures, it's fine to, like,
have meal,
with with 2 families.
Does that make sense? Right? But not all
the time.
You know? Not all the time.
Very rarely. Sometimes.
Right? But also, it is that the woman
is separating the man. It's separate. Sometimes it's
fine. Sometimes it's fine. It's cultural experience.
But
Okay.
Any questions?
Yes.
You were just sketching?
You sure?
You have a question for me?
Like, if any of your sisters have a
question?
Like,
no. Yes.
Very good. I love scenarios. Go ahead.
Okay.
So I'm sorry. I think I mean, like,
half of what you said,
which is some a scenario somebody reverted,
and now they told their parents,
and, they want to get married. Is that
correct? How do you know how do you
know about that? I think it, it depends.
Right? If the sister
is,
mature, ready to get married, right,
then I think she needs to start with
telling her family,
after having procured the right situation,
you know, and making sure that things are
ready,
with, with the person themselves. So in such
a situation, you'd have to if you're serious
about this individual, this brother,
this man, then, you figure everything out. Everything's
good. I need daddy, then you let your
parents know, and then you deal with it
from there.
Cool.
Right? So it depends. Depends on the situation.
The opposite is also true. If you're if
you don't have anybody particular in mind, then
what you do
and you're not ready or you or you
or you're ready, but
you just want to get it out of
the way with your parents
and you think you're ready for whatever comes
next with your parents depending on how they
react to knowing your you've accepted stuff, then
you deal with that portion first.
Once that stabilized, then you move on to
the question of marriage.
Right?
Okay.
If
there's nothing more, we'll wrap up.