Nouman Ali Khan – The Rights Responsibilities Of Marriage

			salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.
		

			hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa Salatu was Salam ala Ashraf al anbiya wa sallim ala alihi wa sahbihi
		

			wa ala w Karim Nicola Rosa biLlahi, min ash shaytani r Rajim una de bas, Hola, como Anton de
Barcelona, I have about 15 minutes to address all of you. And this is a very critical subject. And
there's so much that can be said about it. And I'm really glad that have stopped by his presentation
actually was very comprehensive. And it touched upon a lot of things that really need to be given a
lot of discussion, each actually each one of his points of chapters in the book of marriage, and
really should be taken very, very seriously. All of those things can be mentioned very easily in a
sentence or two. But when it comes to implementing them in our family lives, it's actually a very
		

			heavy discussion. And the few minutes I have with you, I have to be selective in what I think is
pertinent. And you know what I think and chances are, there's an Amana to share with all of you, I
see these conference presentations, not just as opportunities for rhetoric and the computers at the
end, but also as opportunities to share food for thought. And I want to pretend for a few moments
that I'm just talking to a family that I know, just one of you just a family that I know. And
there's a marriage that's about to happen in your family, you're about to get your daughter married,
or you're about to get your son married. And I just want to share some very relevant, I think,
		

			relevant advice in regards to this matter. You know, marriage is all about trust, from the very
beginning. And it's one thing that unfortunately, I'm noticing more and more in the premarital
process is missing. The foundation of two families coming together, if it's not trust and
transparency and openness, there's going to be clearly problems after marriage. You know, marriage
is almost become like a very difficult sale. You know, you go to a car dealership, and the car
salesman presents his best self and the best features of the car. Right? And he gets really offended
if you ask difficult questions. Right. And if you if you start asking about the transmission
		

			problems that have been reported previously, or the recall or anything else, he'll just you know, I
don't know if I want to deal with this. You see what I'm saying? What's happened to us in the
marriage discourse, is that we actually market ourselves, the boy and the girl, and even the
families, they market themselves. So they turn the house into something, it's not when we are coming
over, when the in laws are coming over. They turn themselves and their conversations into something
that aren't genuine, genuine, that's not really a representation of who they are, how many families
I can't even count and he and she are in the counseling profession, they can tell you how many
		

			families would come and say we had no idea. They were like this had no clue who we were dealing
with. They were completely different people before, you know, and this this kind of scamming, which
you would think what happened in the sales industry is actually happening in the institution of
marriage. And that's a crisis. As a matter of fact, we offer you know, in some of the more, I guess,
forward thinking families that aren't as conservative quote, unquote, they say, okay, no, let the
boy and girl talk to each other, let them email one another, let them have a few conversations. But
at this point, both of them are so like, blind. And they're so interested in just getting the
		

			celebration and, you know, the new dress, and you know, the gifts and you know, all this stuff,
they're so caught up in the hype and all the congratulations they're getting and all the phone calls
and text messages that even when they talk to each other, it's actually empty fluff conversations.
And they see the what they want to see in the spouse. They don't, they're not able to have an
intellectually sound conversation, a lot of times the young men and the young women, because, you
know, we live in LA, you know, our identical boss, if not Allah, the love the eye of love can see,
you know what, you're already infatuated with the idea. So you have a hard time seeing any flaws.
		

			And that infection actually lasts a little bit longer. Even after marriage for the first couple of
weeks.
		

			You can't see any flaw in your spouse, even the way she sneezes you like, it's amazing. So halala
the way the boogers just spread out, it's, you know, a lot of really made us for each other.
		

			But then it starts wearing off and reality starts setting in how come you never told me this or that
or the other. I didn't realize you're this way or that way or the other way, you know. So first my
encouragement to the families and to the young people that are looking to get married is the first
to be mature in this process. There's a place for love and emotions and infatuation. And I tell you,
you have to put the brakes on that until the marriage is really, really close and everything else is
settled. There's some other really serious things that need to be settled first, you know. Then the
other thing I want to talk to is the elders, specifically the elders in our communities. You people
		

			are so worried sometimes about your messed up kids.
		

			That you say maybe if we marry him to a good girl, or we marry her to a good boy, things will work
out fine. So all the really messed up things you know about your child, you don't tell anyone, you
don't tell even the family that you're dealing with, and you keep it hidden as best you can. Because
if they found out they wouldn't marry your child. And on top of that, of course, you're suffering
from some kind of schizophrenia, in which you tell yourself to lie so much that we have a good boy,
that you start believing it yourself. And in the face of reality, I mean, your child is coming home,
you're not a child, it's a man, your son is coming home at 230 in the morning, he can't even stand
		

			up straight. Oh, he must have been making tahajjud. The, you know, the Tafseer seminar must have
been late or Come on. A lot of times our parents know that the man had, the young man has a drug
problem. He's got an alcohol problem. He's got a clubbing problem. I'm not even qualified for this
sort of thing. I get emails, brother, we were talking the conversations were going well between our
families. He's actually from, you know, back home from the same neighborhood, our families know each
other. By the way, that doesn't mean anything anymore. Because those families are not the same when
they fly over. Okay, so if you knew them back in the 70s or something, then that's not a formula to
		

			to gauge that, oh, we know their family. No, you don't. They don't even know their own family, bro.
		

			He doesn't even know his own cousins. His uncle is on it's, it's not the same family. That's a very
shallow gauge. Anyhow, they say, you know, we got he was used to go to the machine. We saw him
making a optic off, he was praying, he even has a little bit of a beard on 100 lights a good boy.
And then, you know, my parents got me married to him. And I thought he was okay. The first time we
went out to eat True story. First time we went out to eat, he ordered a beer.
		

			And I'm sitting there going, what's going on? What are you doing? He goes what's what's the big
deal? You know? Why are you flipping out calm down.
		

			And this is the this is the reality of like the lack of foundation in many marriages. And so we
shouldn't complain about the divorce rate, because there's sometimes really justify justifiable.
There's some really serious situations out there, that we have to deal with it. I'm not advocating
for divorce. But I am saying, look, there's a reason these kinds of things are happening. And
there's some really fundamental realities that we're choosing to close our eyes to, that we can't
afford to anymore for the sake of our own sons, and our own daughters. You know, then there's the
second matter that I want to talk to you about this is just one dimension of the many dimensions
		

			that can be spoken about post marriage after marriage.
		

			And this starts this problem starts before and it permeates after we're living in a society in which
the standards of higher the standards of shame, holding yourself back regard, you know, some kind of
reservation between yourself and the opposite gender, those standards are dropping, I'm not
complaining about the kofod. I'm talking about the Muslim community, in our homes.
		

			Okay, in our homes, by the way, license, plate number, GQ, I'm kidding.
		

			In our homes, and in our lifestyles, now, our social interactions have become very permissive. Even
within the semi religious semi conservative circles, we've got a couple of extremes. On the one
hand, we have these some families in our in our community, and we've got, we got all colors of the
spectrum in America, right? So we get some families that are so incredibly conservative, that women
are actually evil. So if you see them anywhere near the
		

			beam, and you know, you, you might get into a car accident in the parking lot, because you're trying
to get away from Japan, I mean, the sister, you know, there, there's that extreme, you know, and
then there's the other extreme where it's all good in the hood, and you're socializing like it's
your own brother, it's not your brother. You know, it's the husband of your friend, it's not someone
you should just be chit chatting with that unnecessarily, you know, so there is actually a line in
the middle that needs to be respected. And if we don't respect it, you know, what happens when the
when when we have a lot of interaction, of course social gatherings, things like if bars and dinners
		

			and you know, things like that. And we we get together with other families and young couples get
together and there's a potluck and things like that and these kinds of gatherings. I want you to
understand the one of the fundamental central pivotal suitors in the Quran about marriage is similar
to *. Right? It's one of the pivotal solos about marriage. And in this sutra, it seems at first
glance is deals with too many very topics like it starts with people who violate the sanctity of
marriage designing. It starts with them the fornicator, the adulterer. Right. It talks in the you
know, it talks also deals with the scandal that was started about the marriage of the Prophet
		

			sallallahu alayhi wasallam also subject matter to you know, the accusation made against the Chateau
de la hora, and also a matter of dealings.
		

			With marriage,
		

			It also deals with some rules that shouldn't be observed inside the house. For instance, for
instance, those of you who believe that at Hulu and Ira BeautyCon patata Leno, does that nishu don't
enter your homes that aren't yours until you make yourself known. In other words, let them prepare
let the you know, the women cover themselves or, you know, take caution that I've heard back from
man is coming in, there needs to be some adjustments made when a stranger is about to go come into
the home. So watch out. You know, I mean, those kinds of you know, they say in Arabic I repeat this
a lot of times in in the Bebop era, t FM and or do we say aka mankini, Shara coffee, right? When
		

			Ally's saying make yourself known before you come into somebody's house, it's to allow the family to
adjust themselves. But you know what, it's there's no adjustment anymore. It's all good. You know,
and the very next I arts are about lowering your gaze. That's incredible. lowering your gaze, we're
in the original context of this, well, we're in the house. Yes, you should lower your gaze when
you're walking in the mall, you should lower your glance, because you're going to see inappropriate
things, especially husbands, watch out, lower your eyes, especially husbands shaitaan will want you
to be uninterested in your wife.
		

			That's what he wants you to be. And he wants you to you know, compare her to whatever you see on the
street, or whatever you see anywhere else, you know, lower your eyes. But you know what more
important than all of those virtual kinds of pleasures that people are pursuing, more important than
all of that the people you're interacting with on a regular basis, you're going to see them over and
over and over again, particularly in those cases, lower your eyes. You know, it's really disturbing.
I've even heard husbands talk about how well somebody else's wife was dressed. I mean, that's
disgusting for a Muslim community. It's it's violating the sanctity of marriage, even in certain
		

			what we would consider not criminal behaviors was not haraam to sit and have dinner together, is it?
It's not i'm not saying it is. But I am saying it does have psychological consequences. It does have
social consequences.
		

			And what's really one of the most remarkable things to me personally in this slot, so total *,
specifically suited to * is right after this conversation about certain rules around the house,
even certain rules about whether your children can come into the bedroom or not, and when they can,
and when they can't. And the fact that they should ask permission, how many of you and myself even
have set the rules like that in the house. But when you come into my room, knock first ask if you
can come in No, just knock and walk in. That's the other thing, right? Just I knocked,
		

			you know, knock and ask permission and then walk in, you know, and there are certain hours even less
set in the iaat. There are certain ions where they should do that and certain ions, it's fine. It's
open policy, open door policy. No, my Time's up.
		

			Okay, one minute, cool.
		

			I thought I was up. So those rules have been set in place. And then in this same surah, Allah azza
wa jal talks about the art of new, the light in the heart, the light in the heart. This is the same
slide that talks about him on the covering of the woman. But everything else seems to be related to
marriage and guarding hyah. And all of a sudden, there's a conversation about the deepest elements
of spirituality, probably the most profound passage and no call on on spirituality in this same
surah. Why? Because we're being taught, look, observing these things will help your spirituality and
violating these things will hurt your spirituality, the light in your heart will be will be hurt
		

			will be damaged, if you don't address these things. They have direct consequences. These are the few
things I mean, again, 15 minutes is very long time I don't I don't even think I should give longer
speeches in 15 minutes, because I'm in the teaching profession. And I have respect for something
called attention span, which Muslims have handled in the face extra special problems with but uh,
you know, because we, we were used, used to on a weekly basis, we attend a convention every week,
it's called Juma prayer, and Alhamdulillah, we get some of the best sleep of our life in those 20
minutes, you know, first thing we hear is 111. Next thing we hear is that they miss a lot.
		

			You know,
		

			you know, so I'm mindful of that. But hopefully, some of these things are conversations you can have
with your family, and really reflect upon how you and I are conducting ourselves, you know, in our
households, I worry about my daughters, and how can I get them married and my boys, I really do not
just in how I'm going to raise them, which is a big problem. But the other problem is where am I
going to get find the families that see life the same way? beyond just the appearances? Where am I
going to find those those real men of the future and those real women of the future? May Allah azza
wa jal help us grow those real men and those real women and male allies.
		

			It will protect the sanctity of marriage in our homes and give us the ability to have a clear
transparent just and merciful process even for the get it for our getting our children married
barakallahu li walakum Solomonic