Navaid Aziz – Prophetic Listening And How It Can Transform The World Within Us And Around Us #3
AI: Summary ©
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AI: Summary ©
Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim
in Al Hamdulillah Nakamoto who want to stare in the hole and still shut off when they're also below him in short order and phocoena woman CEO Dr. Medina, Mejia Hello Philomel Villa Who am I will deliver who further hottie Allah or shadow La ilaha illallah who had the hola shady cada or shadow under Mohammed Dona Abdo Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa the early he was so happy he was seldom at the Sleeman Kathira Allahu Allah in Medina in lemma Adam tena for alumna Yan farmina one foreigner Bhima nm tena was in their nya Karim, Allah from Allah azza wa jal to who certainly wanted the gentleman whose name is Aisha.
My dear brothers and sisters As Salam alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh.
So last week, we concluded by speaking about two things, attachment theory, and the Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam Kulu melodeon EULA do Allen FITARA. And I want to just do a quick recap about these two things. So the first of them, when we were speaking about attachment theory, we were speaking about a scientific study that was done with children, and how they responded to their parents and to their toys. So the first set of children, they had the toys in front of them. And as they came in with their parents, this first group of children felt comfortable enough to go and play with the toys. And when the parents left, the children became sad. And when
the parents came back, the children reunited with the parents and became happy, and then felt comfortable again, to go and play with the toys. Group number two, that as they came into the room, the children went straight to the toys, and
the children didn't pay attention. When the parents came back, the children didn't pay attention. And then group number three was from the very get go, the children would not separate from their parents, they would stick around with their parents, they wouldn't go play with the toys, the parents had to literally fight to their children off to go. And then when the parent when the chair when the parents came back, the children clumped to the parents again. And it took a very long time for them to calm down. What this study showed was the type of parenting, the type of sensitivity, the type of response that the parents showed at home, and the impact that it had on the children the
impact that it had on the children. So the more sensitive the parents were, the more responsive the parents were, the more secure the children became, the more mixed messaging there was, the more clingy the children became. And what was really fascinating with group number two in particular, was, even though group number two showed no physical signs of distress, when the parents were gone, if you took their heartbeat, their heartbeat was elevated, and internally, they were more anxious, but they didn't display it, they didn't display it, so as to not, you know, assuming to upset their parents at that time. So that is when we speak about attachment theory. That's what we're referring
to, because attachment theory is going to come up again in today's session. Then the second thing we spoke about was the Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam called Lumo then EULA to undefeatable that every child is born on this natural disposition. And it's either it is the parents that make the child into a Christian, or a Jew, they're after a Christian or a Jew they're after. And what we mentioned over here is that if the child continues to go on the fifth floor, and reaches its pinnacle, that naturally becomes Islam. It doesn't require an additional teaching, because it is just a continuation of the fifth law itself. Whereas Christianity and Judaism, then this is a
diversion from it, it is a perversion from it, and that is why it is an external thing that is taught to the child that is not naturally a part of its fitrah. So now, let's pick up from there. As we mentioned, we're going to be speaking about parenting advice in today's halacha. So the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he says in the narration, that be keys of goodness, and be locks of evil coin, Marathi handheld, that, you know, Kunal, Marathi, Hallford, that be keys of goodness, and Malik, or locks of evil, meaning that our responsibility as parents were meant to open all doors of goodness towards our children, and for our children. And we're meant to close every avenue of evil
for them. We're meant to be protectors for them, as well as facilitators as well as facilitators. Now, the role of parents is a very, very difficult one. And this is where that concept of the greater the difficulty and the challenge the greater the reward from Allah subhanho wa taala. So this is something that's very important to understand. And I'll start off with the disclaimer from the beginning. Is that Allah subhanaw
to Allah, He tests us through our children, in Walakum, wa ala dokkan fitna that your wealth and your children are a trial for you. So you have to perceive it as a trial. Certain elements of the of the test you will pass certain elements of the test you will just float by inserting elements of the test you will fail. And that's fine because that's what human nature is all about. Now, one of the stories that Allah subhanaw taala tells us in the Quran is the story of Noah holiday salaam, and new Haile Selassie and particularly his relationship with his son, who was a non Muslim, and he ended up drowning in the flood that eventually came. Now what is this tell us about no holiday Salam? Can we
accuse no holy salaam of being a bad parent? Can we accuse no holy salaam of not having proper teaching methods and not being an effective dairy? No, we can't accuse no Haile Salam of any of those things. Because oftentimes, we assume that the results are in our hands, when in reality, the results are in the hands of Allah subhanho wa taala. And this is a clear example of that, that no Holly said I miss from the oil awesome. He is from the greatest of profits, the elite of the profits, yet his own son was a disbeliever Allah subhanaw taala judges, the action and the effort and the results are always in the hands of Allah subhanaw taala and you're going to extend this to
the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam starting with his uncle, his uncle was his, you know, greatest caretaker during the summer when he received prophethood. Yet even his own uncle did not accept Islam. And Allah subhanho wa Taala had to console the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam by saying in that gala de menthe habit, when our kin Allah Yeah, demon Yasha, that you are Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam do not guide whom you wish, but you do or you do not guide whom you love, but rather it is Allah subhanaw taala that guides whom He wishes. So the emphasis over here is not on the results, but focus on the effort, as Allah subhanaw taala tells us women are the heroes
our Salah has well who are mostly known, but we can assert you homeschool, that whoever strives hard with whoever desires the Hereafter and strives hard while they are a believer, then Allah subhanaw taala will surely be appreciative of the effort that they make. So that is the disclaimer I want to give that sometimes you will try your utmost best with your children, and they will not turn out the way that you want. In fact, they may even be non Muslim, at the end of the day. Does that mean that you're a bad parent? No, the criteria needs to be you asking yourself? Did I actually try my best? Did I actually try my best? Now this starts off with? Are we willing to learn about parenting? Are
we willing to learn about parenting? You know, I think in the past, and I believe we talked about this last week, there was this emphasis on it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a village to raise a child. Now as society became more individualistic, it is the parents that take care of the children themselves. And the parents have this natural assumption that I'm just going to raise my children, the way my parents raised me, the unfortunate reality is that that's no longer good enough. Because the challenges that your parents went through in raising you are very different than the challenges you are going through in raising your children. At the head of them is technology and
the moral decay of society. These two things in particular, are not challenges that our parents had to face in raising us. And these are complete game changers. So there's an active effort required by parents today to make sure that they are raising their children properly. So now getting back to the book, he goes on to say a great deal of research has shown that a person's ability to connect to the people around them is primarily based on how emotionally available their parents were, and how ready they were to respond to them when they were infants and young children. So if you look at a child's ability to connect with other people, and develop relationships, particularly healthy ones,
scientific study shows that a lot of it stems from how responsive and sensitive their parents were. So if you want your children to have healthy relationships, then you have to have a healthy relationship with him that is sensitive to their needs and is responsive to their needs as well. Now we look at something very profound over here. And for me when I say even though I've heard this hadith many, many times, the perspective for me was very, very different.
That was the hadith of an aqua blue hivis. Alok rhombus was a Bedouin man
And one day he saw the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam kissing a lesson and her saying, and he asked the Prophet salallahu Alaihe salam ala Rasulillah, what are you doing?
And the pastor says, What do you mean? He says, I have 10 children, and I have never kissed any of them like he's bragging and boasting about this. And then the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he says, manleigh, your Humla your hum, that whoever does not show mercy will not be shown mercy. Now, oftentimes this hadith Mullah, Johanna, your hum, we naturally take it to mean our relationship with Allah subhanho wa taala, that if we do not show mercy to others, Allah subhanaw taala will not show mercy to us. But she can make Ariel Smith mashallah, he does a very good job of pointing out over here is that there's nothing to restrict the meaning of this hadith to that interpretation.
There's no codeine at the affiliate those two meanings. But if anything, the ocarina or the indication should be that if you show mercy to your children, then as you grow older, they will show mercy to you. So when you show mercy to them, while they're young, when you are in need of their mercy, when you grow older, they will show it to you then. So you have to develop and establish that relationship from when they are young from when they are young. So we read from our children's character, that which we saw in them in a young age that which we saw in them in a young age. And then he goes on to ask a series of questions. And this is something that I want us to let percolate
in our minds. What is it that makes us us? How did we become the individuals that we are in the way that we have made certain decisions and the lifestyle choices that we have made, what factors shaped who you are today, the way you look, the way you carry yourself the way you think, and most importantly, the way you connect to the world around you? What are the things that shaped this? Now, obviously, when it came to our physical appearance, we are able to clearly see often the similarities between our parents and our forefathers. So I have my father's eyes, I have my father's hair, you know, certain things I got from my mother from personal from physical characteristics, but
how about when it comes to character? When it comes to the ability to process when it comes to our ability to connect with the world? Where did we get those things from? What incidents shaped our lives, what incidents shaped our lives? And this is something very important to understand that in order for you to become a good parent, you also have to understand your own story. How did you get to the level where you are at today? So attachment theory attempts to explain why some people are able to form meaningful bonds, while others have flourishing, flourishing relationships, while others struggle to form close relationships. So when you look at individuals, some people are able
to make friends very, very easily. Other people, it is very, very difficult for them to make those friends. Why is that? What actually happened, and attachment theory goes, you know, attempts to explain that attempts to explain that. Then he goes to court on Ibaka him holla he says listening is the foundation of the mind and the base upon which faith is built. So now listening over and he's speaking about the relationship with Allah subhanaw taala, meaning that if you listen to guidance, if you hear what Allah subhanaw taala says, In the Quran, if you listen to what the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam says, in the Hadith, then this is where your faith actually develops, and
you're paying attention to these things. And that is the base upon which faith is built upon. Now, relationships also require faith, we need to have faith in one another, that you will actually be present, you will be there for my time in need, you'll be there when I need help with something, you will be there to support me when I am trying to achieve something, all of that needs to be there. And that also starts with listening. And as we've established in the previous Hello, cause listening is not just about the words, listening is about also understanding people's thoughts, thinking about their thoughts, right. And that's something that we'll come to as well. So when you think about your
child, are you actually listening to them? Are you able to engage with the thoughts that they have? And that is an important question that we wanted to look at. So, so secure infants have access to two things. They have access to explore when they feel safe, and to seek comfort when they feel threatened. So as parents, we want to look at our style of parenting is it conducive to these two components? That Do they feel safe to explore? And when they feel threatened? Do they seek comfort with us? Do they seek comfort with us?
So think about
out when you take a child to a park, for the first time, how long does it take for the child to leave you, and go and play in the park with the other kids. And then what is the child keep doing when they're at the park, particularly if they're there for the first time, they'll keep looking back is my parents still there. So take a few steps, look back, the parent is there, they'll take a few more steps, look back, the parent is still there, till they finally get to play, they'll play for a little bit, look back to the parent does my parents still there, and then they'll play longer. So the child needs to feel safe to grow in the environment that they are in. And that will happen
with the physical and emotional presence of the parent. So you can imagine, you drop your kid off at the park and you run away, what's going to happen to that child, he's going to start crying. And then next time you bring the child again to the park, do you think the child will leave your site? No, not at all. Because what the child has now been taught is that they are not safe, leaving you to explore the environment that they are in. So your physical presence, your emotional presence has a huge impact on them. Similarly, going back to the example of the park, it is inevitable that at one point your child will get hurt at the park, they will fall off a swing, they'll fall off the slide
and other kid will push them or kick them, it's inevitable that's going to happen. Your ability to run to your child to let them know that you are there for them and not even picking them up picking them up is like a second and third step. But your ability to see them when they get hurt, and them to see you and then to for you to run to them. Those are the primary things that the child needs. That in a threatened environment, I can find safety with my parents, I can find safety with my parents, and a vet. And what ends up happening is this child now develops self talk for the future. And the self talk looks as following. If I encounter an obstacle or become distressed, I can
approach a significant other for help, he or she is likely to be available and supportive. I will experience relief and comfort as a result of proximity to this person, I can then return to other activities, I can then return to other activities. So now taking this example of the park, you can relate it to everything else that it comes to when the child explores something for the first time. And obviously this will happen at a very, very young age, when they explore something for the first time. They need the parent to be physically and emotionally present. To let the child know that you're safe exploring this new environment exploring this new activity. And then when they get hurt
when they find things difficult, the parent being there at the very beginning to help that child. And this is what will help shape the child's self talk, build their self esteem and build their self confidence and build their self confidence. Now, this relationship will even continue to develop if it is secure at its beginning to a mental state as well later on. So let's go to Surah Yusuf, in Surah Yusuf Allah subhanaw taala. He tells us about use of Ali salaam, and the wife of ISIS, while Akkad hunmanby wahama Behala are robber Han Arabic, that she desired him? And he definitely would have desired her had it not been for the signs of Allah subhanaw taala that was shown to him where
it might have SEER students now.
What was the sign? Or what were from the interpretations? What was the sign that Allah subhanaw taala showed us for the salah? What was the sign that Allah subhanaw taala showed us for the salah that helped him control his desire for the wife of ISIS. Anyone remember anyone? No?
No, that didn't happen, but good guests very good guest obviously that would scare the living daylights out of anyone Subhan Allah, but Allah subhanaw taala had shown him a son
Angel Jibreel. No, as far as I'm aware that there wasn't one the interpretation.
We have sisters making the effort one of the brothers making the effort.
Yes, martyrs, encourage them, encourage them.
So there are many interpretations. The two of them is you know, the statement in my eyes Allah write the statement as Allah appeared in front to him. This is one interpretation. There's another interpretation that Rossi supports that he attributes to Abdullah bin Abbas, that use of Allah he Salam. He saw an image of his father, he saw an image of his father and his father
told him, are you going to embark upon this haram? Are you going to embark upon this haram and this is what Rosie mentioned from immunopathology Allahu taala, in Houma, and he actually claims this is the majority opinion. Wala hota Allah that's, you know, some that needs further research inshallah. But to highlight this point, use of Allahi Salam, he sees an image of his father and has this conversation. It's a, it's a mental conversation with his father, are you going to embark upon this haram? Where would this stem from where would the stem from it would stem from that fatherly relationship that as a child Jacoba A salaam is giving him the Tobia that he needs this is halal,
this is haram when it comes to haram stay away from it. And he's living it in his own life showing how to stay away from haram, then this is the impact that it'll have on their child as they grow older. And as I mentioned before, it is very, very important that children see how their parents respond to certain situations. So if you look at domestic violence, children that grow up in domestically violent homes are more likely to repeat it. What we actually learned from that is many, many things. If you will show your child how to respond to a situation that you're stressed in, it's going to have a lifelong impact on them. And that can be positive and negative. If you teach them
that Subhanallah that when you get angry, you say I also bIllahi min, Ash shaytani R rajim. You go and make wudu and you calm yourself down. That is what your child is going to do as well. But if you show your child that, you know it's okay to bang the table, and it's okay to start swearing and cursing, then this is what your child will learn as well. So if you look at this point, that teaching our children, the response for various emotions is paramount. And this is something very valuable we see from the Tafseer of Surah Yusuf from the Tafseer of Surah Yusuf. So noticing a coil, a child is crying, and responding to the signals of distress is not the same as attention
to and interest in a child's emotional experiences.
So this point over here is about, we may think that emotional response to a child means that if they start crying, you're going to pick them up. Yes, that's definitely one part of being a parent. But the more important part of being a parent is investing in their emotional experiences. So as they explore experience emotions, helping them navigate those emotions, and helping them articulate those emotions. So when they feel sad, talking to them about feeling sad, what is it that makes you feel sad, right? What can we do to fix your sadness right now having those sorts of conversations, but that also stems from you showing how an individual should respond when they are sad. So
particularly, for children, imagine if they're raised with their with their father, and every time something sad happens, for example, your parents passed away. But you don't show sadness. You don't show tears. What we're actually showing our children is that the normal function when someone dies is that you shouldn't be sad that you shouldn't be spreading tears. But the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam teaches us the exact opposite, that when Abraham his son passes away, and he's crying in the confines, they're asking, What are you doing, you're a sort of Allah, He says in the Hello Rama, that there is a mercy from Allah subhanaw taala it isn't, it is a mercy from Allah
subhanho wa taala.
So professors in psychology, speak about mind mindedness, and also mentalizing. So mind mindedness and mentalizing is the process of thinking of other others thoughts. So what are they actually thinking about? And he mentioned a wonderful example of Sodom nomadic. So one day the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he comes home
in Medina, and Aisha Radi Allahu taala. And she notices that the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam is very distressed. And she says the outer sill of Allah, you know, what is it that's distressing you? And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, in summary, says that he just feels unsafe right now. He just feels unsafe as if someone is going to come in hard to harm her, hurt him or harm him, tried to kill him, so on and so forth. And then the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he actually starts hearing noises outside of his house and I want you to understand this. It's a small building, there are no streetlights. You know, if something's happening outside, you actually have to go and
investigate to make sure that everything is okay. So the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam goes outside, and he finds Sodom nomadic, or the Allahu Taala anto and he asked sad, you're sad. You know, what are you here instead of my house? You're gonna imagine someone just randomly comes and starts standing outside of your house. Like why are you here? And suddenly Malika Dillo Tada and he says the other Sula. I've come to Stanford.
God outside of your house, I've come to stand guard outside of your house, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he breathed a sigh of relief. He goes inside his home, and he falls asleep. And Aisha Radi Allahu taala. And as she mentioned, that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam fell into such a deep sleep, that I could hear his heavy breathing, meaning like his snoring, that is fall into such a deep sleep, and that it wasn't something normal for the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam. So now, Sheikh McHale he brings this example is a very powerful point, that when you have a deep connection with someone, you start thinking about their thoughts, and that is your ability to
assess their needs and what they need. So perhaps Saad had been privy to what the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam had experienced before he came home, someone tried to attack him, or they heard about a plant from the courage to attack him, or the tribes of Medina were going to attack him. And Saddam the Maliki says, You know what, let me go and stand guard at the house of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. So this is what this concept of mentalizing and mind mindedness actually refers to.
Now, this section concludes with the mothers of insecure children were less able to read their children, they would, for example, feed to the child when the child was not hungry. So they didn't just fail to respond to their children, but responded inappropriately, because they were less able or willing to figure out why the child was behaving a certain way. So going back to the attachment theory experiment, this is what he's referring to, that the mothers because they did not spend the time to invest in learning communication with their child, and mentalizing the thoughts of their child, they would randomly feed to the child even though the child was not hungry. So the response
that they're giving to the child is not an appropriate response. Because the child doesn't want food at that time. Perhaps the child wants to behead, perhaps the child wants to play, perhaps, you know, the child is is in pain somewhere. But the mothers response, oh, let me feed the child. And this shows us the importance of learning the communication of the child. And this goes back to those children, that when they came into the room, and they saw the toys, they went straight to the toys. And when the mother came and the mother left, they were irresponsive. Why? Because they are now insecure, they are now insecure. And they've learned to cope with it with destruction, they've
learned to cope with it as destruction. So trust as a consequence of secure attachment trust as a consequence of secure attachment.
Now,
we mentioned this in emotional intelligence. But I think it's worthwhile exploring again,
the hadith of Fatah model, the Allahu taala. And her
when he summons when the process on some answer, and he whispers something in her ear, and she starts to cry. And then he whispered something in her ear, and she starts to laugh. When I share the Allahu Taala and asked her about it. She said that the first time the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam told me that he was going to pass away. And then second time, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam told me that I would be the first of his family members to join him. And I look at this incident, Subhan Allah, and there's multiple lessons that we derive. But the key one that I want to focus on, is the second element of you're going to be the first of my family members to join me.
Meaning that the Promise of Allah Allah Himself is telling her that yes, I'm going to pass away soon. But so are you. And can you imagine when someone tells you that news that you're going to pass away soon? How are you going to feel about that? Aren't you going to feel upset? Aren't you going to feel sad, but that didn't bother her at all, because she knew she was going to be with her father. So Allahu alayhi wa sallam. And for me that is the ideal relationship between a father and their daughter. That's Subhanallah such a deep amount of love, that when you hear is going to pass away, it actually brings tears to your eyes before it's even happened. And when he tells you that you're
going to be the first of his family members to join him, and makes you so overjoyed that you love Subhanallah even though it means that it is the end of your physical life in this world. And Subhan Allah shows the priorities that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam taught her that, you know, there's more than just the life of this world, the akhira is eternal and forever. And she desired that and she knew that so that when she's when the process alone tells her that you're going to pass away, is in complete and total perspective, that she's going to be with the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam in the hereafter. So we explore what did the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam do to make
that happen? And we have examples of when she walked in the process and would stand up and greet her and offer her her space. The Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam was there for her when she complained to him that that oh, you know, my father, I'm unable to take care of
The choice of my house, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa salam didn't tell her that, you know, this isn't my problem. This is you know something that you need to fix yourself. The province of Allah Azza wa sallam offered her advice that can increase in your vicar of Allah subhanho wa taala. And this will help you achieve it. So all of this stemmed from how the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam was there for her and responded to her. Now we explore. Why is it that certain individuals are so skeptical of other people's intentions, meaning that they naturally assume the worst of other people. And then this goes back to attachment theory, that children are naturally born to have
expectations that my parents will love me, my parents will take care of me, my parents will support me. And let's look at what ends up happening. A very conditional style of parenting a child does well in school, showered them with love, get them whatever they want, child doesn't do well in school child is completely disowned, you're not my child, you're your mother's child, right, or the mother tells You're not my child, you're that your father's chart. So very conditional type of love. And that's not the way it's meant to be. It's meant to be that if the child has shown the effort, then that is sufficient for us. If the child hasn't shown the effort, then we want to help them and
support them to put in the effort, because that is how results are achieved. But if we're naturally just showing love and care as a result of the result, then we're filling our children, because we're purely showing our children that if you're successful, I will love you. And if you're not successful, I'm not going to love you. Can you imagine what that does for the self esteem of the child? Can you imagine what you know the impact that it has on their ability to expect and assume people's intentions, my children, my parents don't love me, they only love my success. That is what such love does to the child. So this shows us that when children grow up, and their parents don't
meet their expectations, and don't fulfill their parental roles, it actually makes children very skeptical of other people's intentions, and makes them very skeptical of other people's intentions. And as a defense mechanism, they close their minds to almost all incoming information that we ourselves have not figured out yet. So every relationship is approached with skepticism, or I'm not going to get close to this person, because they're only going to end up harming me, I'm not going to become friends with this person, because they're only going to end up breaking my trust, I'm not going to end up marrying this person, because they're only going to divorce me, right. So that
skepticism, it stems from the
relationship with the parents. And if they failed, fulfill those expectations. Now, we're going to focus on our own personal bandwidth. And what I mean that as individuals, we have a personal bandwidth for two things, our time and our attention. These are two resources that we do not have an unlimited of, right, the risk of Allah subhanaw taala is unlimited. But when it comes to our time, and our attention span, these are very, very limited. And this is where we learn the importance of boundaries, the importance of boundaries. Now oftentimes, when we think of boundaries, we think of boundaries as a protective mechanism, oh, I have to create boundaries, so that I don't get hurt. But
boundaries within themselves are not just meant for protection. They're also meant for prioritization, that those boundaries are there so that I can also focus on those things that are meant to be more important, right? So your friend comes, your friend calls you and says, Hey, I wants to hang out. And you tell your friend that you know what, I'm not going to hang out today.
This boundary that you're setting is to let your friend know that you know what, tonight's not a good time. But what are you going to do instead? Inshallah, if you're spending that time to catch up on your schoolwork, your housework, spend time with your family, so that you can prioritize that as well. So perhaps you've dedicated you know what, every Friday night, I'm going to come to the masjid and learn. So this is a boundary that you're setting that when someone calls you, Hey, let's go watch a movie on Friday night. And you say, You know what? I can't. I've dedicated and committed myself to come to the Halacha on Friday night. This is a boundary that you've set, not to her to the
individual, but for you to prioritize on your priorities. Now, is there any evidence from the Quran and the Sunnah, that shows us the importance of priorities. That shows us the importance of priorities. What do you guys think? Can you think of a hadith? Can you think of an idea that speaks about priorities?
Come on guys, this Milla. Think of a hadith or an idea that shows us about priorities. Go ahead
cell Aloha news
Okay, good. Good. I will accept that I will accept that. So the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam was approached by a young man wanting to go out on an expedition and he asked him, Are your parents alive? And this young man said yes. And the context is that he hadn't sought permission from his parents to come on this expedition. DEP sallallahu alayhi wa sallam sent him back. And he said for fee Hema for Jade, they go and perform your Jihad by serving your parents. I'll accept this and as example good.
Accent
Good.
Excellent. So here we have the Hadith code, see that the boy that Allah subhanaw taala says that my slave doesn't get closer to me by anything than that which I have obligated. And then he goes on to mention and I continue my slave continues to get closer to me through those things that are non obligatory. They're supererogatory right? So we have this hadith kotse excellent. We have the ayah in Surah Helene, where Allah subhanaw taala he says who and full circle were Alikum Nara, that the first people you need to say from the Hellfire is yourself, and then your family, you can prioritize everyone else starts saving them from the Hellfire if you're not saving yourself, and you're not
saving your family. So this shows us the importance of priorities. A poor companion, he came to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and he had received some money for the first time in a very, very long time. So he says the other Salalah you know, what should I do with this sadaqa and the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam tells him, start with yourself and your family start with yourself and your family. So this shows us the importance of creating boundaries. And this shows us the importance of prioritizing things in your life. And this doesn't mean that you're disrespectful towards other people, it doesn't mean that you're neglectful of other people. But it just means that
you have to prioritize those that are closest to you. Now, for those of you that are interested, there's a diagram in the book that I think is very, very valuable, you can come take a picture of it after inshallah Huhtala. I'll also show it over here for the camera. If the camera is able to zoom in, I'm not sure if that's possible. No, it's not possible, you can but after the Halacha, you can take a picture after the Halacha. So this is a large circle with several small circles in it. And the first small circle is the self. The second small circle is family and close friends, then the next circle is best friends, then the next circle is good friends, then friends, then acquaintances,
and peoples whose names you know, and then people whose faces you recognize, right. So basically what it's trying to create is if you look at all the relationships in your life, they will all fall somewhere in the circle. And once you understand that you have a limited amount of time and a limited amount of attention in your life. You need to prioritize those relationships with regards to the time that you spend with them. And the attention that you show them based upon where they fall in the circle. So the one that receives and should receive the most amount of time and attention is yourself. And then your family and your closest friends. And then those that have the title of best
friend, and good friends and friends, acquaintances, and those that you know their names. Now, this is very, very important in terms of framing your relationships, because oftentimes, what ends up happening, and I want to speak particularly for men, where do our children and our wives fall in the circle? They are meant to be in the second circle right after ourselves. They are that second circle, but with regards to how much time we actually spent with them. With regards to how much attention we actually give them. Where do they realistically fall? Oftentimes, it's not in that second circle, it will be in a further circle. So a man comes home from work, rather than you know,
disconnecting from work. He gets on his phone and starts sending emails starts responding to messages for colleagues of his that yes, he knows their names, but they're like number seventh or eighth on the circle of his
Why is he spending his time and attention there? When it's not a crisis? I can understand crisis mode, you have to react that way. But when it's not a crisis, how about prioritizing the things in your life that deserve your time and deserve your attention? Right going back to, it is easier to raise strong children than it is to fix broken men, it is easier to raise strong children than it is to fix broken men. So if you invest in your children early on, it will be a lot easier to make them strong than to try to repair them when they get older than try to repair them. When they get older. And you're shaking again, he says something very profound.
He says, Think of the children in your life. What is it that they cherish more than anything else? It is your time and your attention. Think of those who have lost in your life? If you could bring them back? What would you offer them? Your time, and your attention, and Subhanallah like some of the relationships, they run out, that is the reality of death. I mean, they they passed away instantaneously. And you could wish that you could bring them back. Now, if you truly appreciate that lesson that you wish you could bring them back to life.
Can we now implement this in the relationships that we have right here and right now that we show people time and attention, we show people time and attention. So the burden of responsibility is always on us the burden of responsibility is always on us on showing people time and attention.
The nature of all relationships is that they will decay over time, if not given intention. And the key component of giving attention is an intimate conversation is an intimate conversation. Let's do an exercise now. What does it mean to have an intimate conversation to you?
The term intimate conversation? What does it mean?
Sorry, just to speak with them. So every conversation you have is an intimate conversation.
So every conversation you have with your your children is an intimate conversation.
Yes.
So it's a conversation where you pay attention. What else are you doing?
You're responding to them?
So is there anything if there's anything that needs guidance or advice you provide it? Excellent. Okay. Good answers. Yep.
Excellent. Yeah. So an element of physical touch based upon the circumstance, right, providing a hug, providing a kiss, you know, just putting your arm around them showing that support, that can be a part of an intimate conversation. What else? Go ahead.
Having a deep conversation
about life. So you're not just speaking about sports, you're not just thinking about TV, but you're actually speaking about something meaningful. And I love that. I think that's very, very important. Go ahead.
It's a two way conversation. Excellent. So what does that mean?
You're listening, and you're also interacting and engaging.
I'm not
just
ask what you do?
Why you?
Right.
Just
use it, given the
memo that this mistake was avoiding? Yes, Pamela. Excellent. So I'm not as mentioned that it shouldn't be an interrogation. And I love that answer. Because I feel often as parents, that's what we'll do. Like, we want to interrogate our children to the nth degree. But when they ask us for information, we don't provide it, you know, so like, the macabre back home, they want all the information from you. You ask them for anything, they they start beating you, right. That's what ends up happening. So I really liked that example. One of the and these are all great answers, by the way. And I think each circumstance will have its own, you know, manifestation of what it means
to have an intimate conversation. But let's highlight a couple of things. Number one, conversations aren't meant to be at a surface level. Right? It can't just be oh, how was your day? What did you eat? How's the weather today? It can't be just at that level. It has to be able to reach a deeper level as in what was something that made you happy today? What was something that made you sad today? What was something that you found frustrating today? Right, let's talk about those things. So as conversations get deeper, you also have to
Your vulnerability with your children. So as your child tells you something happy, feel free to share something happy that happened in your day as well. As your child tells you something sad that happened. Feel free, feel free to share a sad experience with them as well. So you show vulnerability with them. But most importantly, your time your presence, your responsiveness. I can't highlight this enough, both for mothers and fathers, that if your child is talking to you, don't do it while they're on your phone. Like if you have to do something urgently. Tell your child like look, just give me one minute and make it a real minute. Let me finish and I'll be with you. And
then bring them get them to sit down in your lap if they're really young children and talk to them, right? And make them feel welcome. Make them feel loved, make them feel cared. I really can't remember where I got this from. But this past week, I had this epiphany on how the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam viewed people. There you have this Bedouin man Subhan Allah that has done horrendous things in their lives very rough in their character, yet you look at who they become, you know, 20 years later, after spending time with the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, you know, one of the great philosopher, or one of the great leaders of Islam. What happened? How did that happen? And the
conclusion that I came to Subhanallah was every person the Prophet salallahu, Alaihe Salam interacted with, he perceived in them greatness, he didn't know what it was, he didn't know what it was going to play out to be. But he perceived that this person has greatness in them, they're worthy of investing my time where they're inversely worthy of investing my attention with, and if I do that, then this person will turn out to be something great, even though I may not know what that is, because that is up to Allah subhanaw taala. So going back to you put in the effort, and the results will take care of themselves by Allah subhanaw taala I believe that is the key over here Subhanallah
that putting in that effort to have the intimate conversations and perceiving greatness from your child, right? Imagine if you treated your child as if he was created to be the next Salahuddin or up he was created to be the next caller that will lead he was created to be the next step in Tamia, he was created to be the next time the humble, or whatever person, you know, you look up to imagine if that is how you viewed your child. How would your interaction with them change, every moment that you would spend with them would be an investment to see that greatness be achieved. And this is how the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam treated people.
So he goes on to mention on a tangent, that one of the biggest problems in our times is loneliness, that we're more hyper connected than any other time. But the levels of loneliness that people feel are now also higher than any other times. And what this teaches us is that even though we are hyper connected, we have many, many connections, deep, meaningful connections have become even fewer, deep, meaningful connections have become even fewer. So the solution to loneliness is not connecting with new people. The solution to loneliness is learning how to connect deeper with people is learning how to connect deeper with people. Now, let's go back to this diagram, this diagram over
here, the psychologists and the neuroscientists that came up with it, they explained that there are a number of the reason why the circle is getting bigger is because the number of people in those circles end up getting bigger. So the first circle is just you yourself, it's the smallest circle, then the next circle, a, this is according to the to the to the theory, it can be proven right or wrong. But there's a maximum of five people that you can take care of. Right, so your closest circle of your family, or your closest friends, you can only have a maximum of five people. And then in the next circle of close friends, you can multiply this by three, and every layer can get multiplied by
three thereafter. So when you're close friends, you will can have up to 15 people into good friends up to 45 people, friends, you know, you can keep doing the math. And it keeps growing multiplying by three, according to this theory. But the result is eventually once you get to people whose names you know, you reach a couple of 100 people whose names that you know, if you start trying to give them significant time and significant attention, while you yourself only have what is it 24 hours, times 60 minutes. What does that come out to? If you have 24 hours in a day, 60 minutes an hour, how many minutes do we have per day?
Who can help me out here?
Go ahead do it.
1500 something, now we have a brother using his calculator 1440 1440, you have 1440 minutes in your day. That is all you have. And everyone has that. If you start spending that on the outer circle where you have hundreds of even if you just give them one minute each of your attention,
it's not going to be possible for you to work your way. And so it needs to be the exact opposite. That with your time it needs to start from inside, prioritizing yourself, and then prioritizing your family and those closest to you and working your way out. If you have. And this is a fascinating thing.
What runs out first, your time, your attention,
what your time runs out first,
your attention will run out first, right, you can have a time that at the end of the day, you'll still be alive, you'll still be physically present. But if you're emotionally exhausted, psychologically exhausted, you can't give attention to anything, right. So even this 1440 on a theoretical level, that is the time that you have. But from an attention standpoint, it's what may be a quarter of that half of that at best, that you can only provide so much attention to people. So if you're wasting it on things that don't deserve it or shouldn't have it, then this is where life goes out of balance. This is where life goes out of sync. And this is where you actually start
harming and damaging. And this could be harming and damaging your family, or even more so harming and damaging your self harming and damage damaging your self.
I shall not do Allahu Taala on her. She describes the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam as think he was like a normal man at home, he would be busy taking care of his family. But when the call for prayer came, he would leave immediately.
So nothing would distract the Prophet salallahu alayhi salam from his family, except if something more important to arose like salah. Other than that, when the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was with his family, he was tending and catering to his needs. Life is far too short for us to spend our time in places and on people who we are not responsible for Subhanallah I think this is going to be like a paradigm shift in our minds, that life is too short for us to spend our time in places and on people who we are not responsible for. Right, your work colleagues, you're not responsible for them, your family, you are responsible for them. Your work should only be thought of at work, do not
bring your work home, if you're able to do so. Because those are not things that you are responsible for add to that time. At that time with your family, you are a father, you are a husband, and that is what the priority should be. So obviously, if everyone focused their efforts on those closest to them, then the entire community would be cared for. And subhanAllah I love this so much.
People come into the office all the time, with emotional needs,
and trying to explain to them that yes, I can try to help you to the best of my ability. But I can't be there for you all the time. I can to be everyone's best friend, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam could not be everyone's best friend.
Right? That is the reality of life. So for those people that have emotional needs, how are they mentioned to get fixed? Those emotional needs are meant to be met by those who are responsible for them.
Those emotional needs are meant to be fixed by those responsible for them, starting with their family, starting with their friends. So that responsibility needs to be accepted. And if everyone accepted their responsibility, then there would be no disproportion, where one person now has to look after hundreds of people. As the research suggests, the inner layers of our social networks require the most emotional support and maintenance if we follow if we wish to fulfill everyone's sense of belonging if we wish to fulfill everyone's sense of belonging.
I'll get you in one second Shala.
Now he gives another example over here. When the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam migrated from Mecca to Medina. One of the things that he did was that he paired people up he paired people up, right he paired Salman and Buddha, Abdullah been off in Saudi Arabia and several other pairings as well. But what's fascinating is when the more hydrocodone were paired with the unsought was it that the unsoldered didn't care about anyone else sucks about except that one person that
Was there no, the answer loved them, oh hydrogen and judo and loved the answer. But the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam is creating a realistic expectation that one person can only take care of one additional person, along with all of the other responsibilities that they have. So now that you've been paired up with one muhajir, and one on Saudi that on Saudi is now responsible for taking care of that module. And it's not to say that they didn't love and care the other Maha Judoon. But it means that they will prioritize this one muhajir because that is what the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam paired them with that is what the Prophet salallahu alayhi salam paired them with, and this
shows us, you know, the intelligence of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, once again,
we face the troubles of our own families. And while our intentions may have been noble, we are sinful for failing to prioritize, were sinful for failing to prioritize, I think let's get back to the men over here for a moment. We have this immense burden of financially providing for our families.
And we want them to provide to the best of our ability, earn as much money so that I can get my family everything that they need. My wife, the needs of her house, my children the best education. As they get older, get them a car, get them married, let them have their dream weddings, we want to do all of this for them. And with this immense pressure and burden on us, we ended up prioritizing our jobs, and our wealth over our families, at the detriment of our families. And we think that if I financially provide for my family, they will forgive me for all of my shortcomings.
Historically, we've seen that not to be true, families would rather have their fathers present, their husbands present attentive, loving, caring spending time with them, than having more luxurious lifestyles. Obviously, the basic needs need to be met, we're not talking about at the basic level, if you've met the basic needs, then it is more beneficial to spend that quality time with your family, as opposed to spending all of your time or the majority of your time at your job trying to earn more money, so you can get them those luxuries, they will love you more, they will value more, they will cherish you more for you spending time with them. Men always complain that I'm not
respected in the home, I'm not honored in the home. That happens often as a result of our own actions. We think that with money, we can compensate for the shortcomings of everything else, the solution is not more money is actually focusing on what the problems are, and being present. And you know, advising and guiding, being that role model being available, all those things need to be looked at.
And then we'll move on to the to the conclusion inshallah.
So just think about reading a novel. As you read it, you construct the world depicted by the author and the events as you read it. So now let me ask you a question. For those of you that watch movies, and you've watched a movie that was based on the book,
and you've read the book, and you've watched the movie, which one did you enjoy more? The book or the movie?
The movie, you're thinking of something specific? What are you thinking of?
You don't read as much, okay, but I'm looking for a specific example. This is a book that you've read, and the movie that you've watched. So you've said in the movie, go ahead.
Okay, and which one was it? The book was better, the movie was better.
The movie was better. Interesting. Go ahead. Okay. Can you think of a specific example?
What's it called?
A Wrinkle in Time? Okay. And is your daughter mentioned the same example?
The Hunger Games, and movies better the books better? The book, okay. Excellent. Someone else had their hand up? Go ahead.
Because you
imagined in
your head, and you're enjoying what
you're seeing what the director has projected.
You think the book is better? And this is open to interpretation. And obviously, for every book and movie, there's going to be kind stone you're in front of the camera.
For every movie and book, you know, there'll be a different answer, and it's open to interpretation. Go ahead.
Maybe because you can, so like,
reading is more. Which example are you thinking of? What book are you thinking of a book that you read in a movie that use
In
an example the one and only
as an example Bismillah.
Relevant?
Which one?
The one and only? Ivan. Okay. Go ahead.
Okay. So I think maybe like, he's better because you can see the image. And what they're saying with the book, or three is more like
it's more like you would get, like more knowledge of reading.
But like you're watching it, you're, you're seeing a full image, like the screen, you're seeing a picture and the words down, you're just reading it and just thinking of it up an image in your head down when there's a real image that you're looking at. Gotcha. Gotcha. So you prefer the movie? So just look out for sharing. So now, Villa, did you answer
this question 20 years ago?
Okay.
Not everyone. Do we have a lot of the sister said that said the book? Yeah.
Yeah. I've heard this question before.
The time, of course.
So I think I was actually surprised hearing more people say that got you heard this question before in the past?
Or, you know, Phil versus
majority in the past.
Write more about the imagination, because your mom said, you know, you have a stroke, people have a stronger imagination, and maybe books.
I'm seeing a different. Excellent.
Like what's
got you got? You know, I think that's a fair assessment that it's a result of our times. But
and I think that's what I'm going to address right now. So those that picked the book, Why do they prefer the book over the movie, and scientifically, what ends up happening is, people develop an emotional investment in the characters, there's a hero that you want to see succeed, there's a villain that you want to see destroyed. Right. And as you see that happen, you start creating this image in your mind, you start creating this picture in your mind. And that is that the investment that you have in the character and in the story. Now, prior to the, you know, advancement in technology, movies were very, very basic. They didn't have, you know, CGI, computer, graphic images,
everything had to be real acting, and so on and so forth. So there was only so much that you could portray in the movie, now, you can do anything and everything. Right? So with that being said, what we want you to look at over here, is that your relationship with your child is, imagine it's a story, or a movie that's unfolding itself. are you observing the movie from outside? Or are your character in the movie? Do you have emotional, emotional investment in this hero?
Are you really looking for the downfall of the villain in your child's story, and movie, and I think it's something very, very fascinating, that oftentimes if you have a creative imagination, your investment in the story,
can per tray, something greater that reality cannot even portray, right. So when Allah subhanaw taala tells us about gender, and he tells us that in it is that which no eye has seen, and know what that which no ear has heard, and that which no heart has, has thought of. There are things that are similar in Jannah, same foods, same names, but in terms of the experience of them, is a completely different reality. Right? The most vivid of colors, the most profound of tastes, the most everlasting of enjoyment, right? So that's what actually makes it different. So while there are physical restrictions, in your mind, those restrictions don't exist, you're not limited by reality,
you're not limited by reality. So this is something
that he was sharing over here. So the next time someone shares with you, the happenings of the previous night, remember what that means for your brain, as if you were there yourself. All of this is to say that we don't have to listen to every one nor should we, our psychological desire for company should not cause us to view all company as good. Allah tells us that in the Quran, indeed the here
During sight, and heart, we'll all be questioned. So now, to summarize the this point that we're getting at because I skipped a portion of it, is when someone's conversing with you.
Your imagination, where is it at? Can you imagine yourself in that person's situation? Can you imagine yourself, you know, creating the reality that they're in, where those incidents took place for them, the more you're able to do. So the deeper your emotional investment will be, the less you're able to be in their situation and create the world in your mind. In that which they're experiencing, the less the emotional investment will be. And then the conclusion over here, he says, when we look at the various Hadith and companionship, we see that the primary objective and function that companies should ideally serve is to help each person reach the pleasure of Allah. A major
reason why we are such poor listeners is that we haven't rid ourselves of bad or useless relationships that don't serve the ultimate objective of companionship. So as we place people into each layer, we have to continue to assess the rights that a person has on us. And also whether that relationship is a means towards closeness to Allah Subhanallah, then I think this is probably the most profound portion of the of the chapter. So as you put people in their layers, you have to understand your responsibilities towards these people. And then also understand, that is the objective of the relationship to get closer to Allah, you're helping them and they are helping you.
If that is not the case, then these are people that are worthy of minimizing your attention and time with these people that are worthy of minimizing your attention and time with Allahu taala. And that concludes the chapter. Now. I kept you waiting for a while I apologize. Bismillah that what you just concluded with the attention time and the people Yeah.
Because you said what
were they see? I think it's a maybe it's misquoting him for three Grace deeds, was asking the
salah summer word, prayer on time. Little while again, if you haven't done so, salon time is not just salah, but your time. Obviously, you're important.
The parents the video, why didn't the highness the parent, especially particularly in old age,
and you had enough other way of trying to interpret to what you said,
you had enough this your attention, right? Because if you if you're struggling internally, your attention span is small, right? That kind of link to themselves. So time and attention. But
so yourself, obviously it's combined with that. But then, really the closest which we didn't discuss in there, it just kind of was actually your parents. And I think that's the theme of a few. While I mean, Islamically, I will understand the theme of, for us throughout the stories, a lot of stories about the treatment of our parents true, which I think sometimes in most cases Islamically, you'll see that you put parents even ahead of your own self, in a lot of the cases that you've heard, right, so that circles that you were saying it talked about self which goes hand in hand, if you can't take care of yourself can't take care of your parents, of course, I think in that circle we
talked about you said family or whatever. Yes. I think the priority would probably be your parents before Good point.
Let's discuss this. So the the brothers point we were speaking about priorities, and you mentioned is the Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam where the prophets of salaam was asked what are the most beloved deeds to Allah subhanaw taala and he says a Salah to either walk the prayer on its time. And then he says the builder will validate. And then he says a jihad Doofy Sybilla that
prayer on its time, and then being righteous to one's parents, and then you know, struggling in the way of Allah subhanaw taala. So the brothers point over here is, you know, why is there not an emphasis on parents? Why do we not discuss the priorities that parents should receive? And the reason that is, is because today's discussion was actually about how to be a good parent. So that was the theme of today's discussion on how to be a good parent. So yes, there's an element of that, that I will recognize. Part of being a good parent is also showing your children, how you interact with your parents. And I think that is something that's definitely missing from the chapter. But
again, I'm assuming restriction of time and space, right? You can only put so much in into the book, but when we talk about
Being a good parent, a lot of the emphasis is on interacting with your children. And that's why when we speak about family, it's worrying about your wife and your kids, or your husband and your kids. Because it is in the realm of being a good parent as to what this portion of the of the chapter was referring to. But there's definitely room to discuss that party, part of being a good parent is also showing how you interact with your parents as a teaching method, that this is how we're meant to teach our parents and our elderly
Go ahead.
Factor or
someone's success.
And I give you an example of Prophet sallallahu.
And then, when I moved home, actually, and I was discussing with my son, and I found out it wasn't only problem
that we know, we didn't have parents, when
they come to us
raise money, but also because they didn't have their parents. And even if
he was with the
Father, who was clever, and who was building
it like so and he was still the greatest person. But I mean, I think in my opinion that a lot took responsible.
What's, what's your
accent? So just to repeat, so last week, we spoke about the role that parents play in shaping the child with regards to other relationships, but particularly their relationship with Allah subhanho wa taala. And we spoke about the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam as an example, who both of his parents died at a very young age, and he didn't have those parental figures. And then my response to that was, number one, the mentality of the people of the past was that it took a village to raise a child. So we have Abdulmutallab Abu Talib, and Halima and Oman, that all took care of the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam in his young age. And then the second point was that the Prophet sallallahu
alayhi wa sallam is the exception to the rule, as opposed to the norm, the exception to the rule, as opposed to the norm. So now, the question is being raised that if you look at even other prophets, the example of Adam Allah His Salam,
he was raised without parents. If you look at the example of Musa alayhis salam, his mother is mentioned, but his father's not mentioned, you look at the example of use of it salaam, and there's clearly separation from his father. So in all of these instances, so let's go through them one by one. Musa alayhis salam, at the very least he had his mother, Yusuf alayhi salam, at the very least he had his father, Ibrahim Ali Salam, yes, his father was an unbeliever made idols, and he treated him terribly, he threw him into the fire. SubhanAllah. Right. But at the very again, this is just an assumption, we don't know much about his mother. The reoccurring theme is that all of these people
were taken care of by Allah subhanaw taala. Again, my emphasis will be that these are the exceptions to the rule and not the basis because the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam again, he is the one that tells us Kulu then you will have to unlearn that every child is born upon the fitrah and it is the parents that make them a Christian or a Jew. Right? So the emphasis of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi. Salam is on the parents themselves. Allah subhanaw taala can do what he pleases. And he shows us that he can do what he pleases, that the most perfect of human beings to walk on this earth did not have their parents around like Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, but again, those should
be treated as the exception and not the norm. The norm we want to create is mother and father, husband and wife, loving caring with one another as well as their children. I understand that life happens and it doesn't always work out that way. But it does that mean we don't strive for it. No, you definitely strive for it. You try your utmost best to create that environment for your children. If you are unable to Allah subhanaw taala will still reward you for your effort and for your intentions. The results are never in our hands, the effort is Allahu taala.
Of course, and he tells him what's done not to clean up see I created you for myself. So clearly there's a hadith of Allah subhanaw taala that he provides the Gambia that the average person will not get Allah Tala Anna