Naima B. Robert – What Do You See Happening With The Concept Of Femininity

What what are you seeing happening with the concepts of femininity

and sexuality right now? You know, it's interesting because on social

media, I watch YouTube a lot. I'm a YouTuber, like, I don't have a

YouTube channel, but I would rather watch YouTube than regular

television or cable, because it sort of keeps you abreast of

what's happening. And I've noticed over the last sort of 18 months,

femininity coaches, femininity, mindset healers, and they all sort

of look alike. And they all have the same conversation. It's, it's

appealing to an ideal of beauty and femininity that definitely is

derived from a white European image.

And, you know, if you're a white European, that's great. But what

about the rest of us? And most of the women that I've come across

that have been teaching femininity from this standpoint, are women of

color. They're black woman, they're young, one thing, isn't

it? Yes. They're promoting a form of performative femininity that

says you have to speak softly, you have to sit on the edge of your

chair, you have to wear high heels, you have to wear lipstick,

your nails have to be a certain way. And that's great, but it's

very surface level and it also does not account for the nuanced

ways in which femininity shows up in global cultures. Right? So

femininity is okay, it is a pair of five inch so Kate's Louboutin

shoes right. It is like eyelashes out here, but it's also, you know,

you know, for some women and that's for you. Okay, fine. But

femininity is also a black Bisht, a buyer and a niqab. Right? It's

also hinted hands and feet. It is a swish of a buzzing gram booboo,

as you're walking through the marketplace, where does it account

for all of the expressions of femininity that our grandmothers

that are for mothers had? But I think, you know, when when you

couple that with the conversation around sexuality, it means that

women are always performing to fulfill a role 100% Yeah, like

what can I do to show you how well I can cook how beautiful I am, you

know, how soft I can be how supportive I can be so that you

can choose me so that you can make me your wife's lives and I can

please you everything is outward, its output, very little of it,

from what I've seen, has been focused on internal development

and self reflection. So then when you have this idea of femininity

as being something that you are rewarding someone else with your

presence, when it comes to sexuality, then you just become a

receptacle for someone else's pleasure. Right? You're not an

active participant in it. So it limits us in terms of the way that

we look at sexuality because then you know, we shift into these

extremes of your body has to look a certain way in order to be sexy.

Your your, your hip to waist ratio has to be so you have people who

literally have comical figures, like they literally look like they

come out of like a comic book with Photoshop and filters and they're

manipulating their bodies to look a certain way Body Dysmorphia has

never been, you know, so rampant. And all of that is linked into our

limitations when we talk about femininity and sexuality. So I

think for women, the conversation has to start in the home. And even

in the masjid, right, the Masjid by my house. We have been godly

sisters. We have Sudanese Sisters, we have Somali sisters, I think

I'm one of the only African Americans and each, each group has

different models of what femininity looks like. Each group,

they are sexy in their own ways, right? Because you got a sister's

parties and you see Sisters, we need, we know. Right? We know what

lies beneath.

So we I think I think we owe ourselves as women and also to our

daughters, and our granddaughters and our nieces and our cousins and

our little sisters, we owe them a more multifaceted approach to

femininity, and then inshallah that will seep into our

conversations about sexuality because we are limiting ourselves

as Muslims. And we come from a very expansive tradition in both

regards, right. Subhanallah you know, as you're saying this, I'm

thinking of some of the other conversations that we've had

already in this this kind of intimacy area. And one of the

things that keeps coming up in every conversation is *. And I

can't help wondering how much of our own idea of what is sexy, as

you said, is is from the movies is from music videos, is from you

know, is from *. And even when you said performative femininity,

I'm thinking of the performative sexiness that we feel. In order to

be sexy, I must dress a particular way I must talk a particular way.

I must act in a particular way. And this is a no shade to those of

you who if that's your thing,

if that's your thing, you know why this is a no judgment zone? But

what about those sisters who feel that that doesn't? It's not who

they are. But they feel they need to perform that in order to be

sexy? I mean, can you be sexy without garters? And of course, it

absolutely,

absolutely can be sexy. In fact, you know, my work is expanding

now, where I'm opening up my myself and my expertise to talking

to men more when I first started on social media. I started in this

work in 1998. And I've always worked with men and community but

on social media, it can be a mixed bag, right? So I had to really

establish a firm boundary when talking about * and sexuality

because I didn't want to sexualize myself, I did not want to become

the object of someone's misplaced attraction.

But now that I've opened myself up in talking with men, you will

really be surprised at what men find sexy versus what society

tells us that men find sexy look at that talk to a girl. What are

they telling?

Me? Well, I have

a nephew, I haven't met a few. He's married.

He is of West African origin. And I, you know, in the summertime, I

usually wear my alpha tobe, you know, it's a very loose, flowing,

all covering, like, everything's covered. And he was talking about

how the men from his culture find that such a sexy garment. And I

was like, talk to me about this, like talking about it. He said, he

said it. And another another of my nieces, you know, these are my

village nieces and nephews. She said that an artist came to do a

workshop one day, and he said, When you shroud a thing, you feel

its beauty.

So when you cover something, you reveal the essence of its beauty.

And this is this is what my nephew was saying. He said, There's

something beautiful about a woman who can wear a garment like that.

And it exudes the confidence and the sexiness that comes from

inside. Because to be a sexy person is not the garter belts and

the high heeled shoes and the lingerie and the push up bras. It

is exuding a seductive confidence. It's a level of comportment, and

that comes across when you're wearing you can be wearing

anything, you can be fully covered. And that will come out I

think as Muslims, we're afraid of that, though. Because we have this

idea of modesty and modesty is like no, I can't arouse

attraction. We're not talking about intentionally trying to

attract someone we're talking about. Are you confident and

comfortable in who you are? And does that radiate outward? Right?

Does that really outwardly, even to your partner? Right? You have

women who feel as if Well, I dress you know, fully covered outside.

So when I come home, I have to wear the most risky thing

possible, and they're uncomfortable with their bodies,

and that shows with their spouse, so they don't really come across

as sexy as they think they are. Rather, you know, it's like you're

walking around and this gear, you know, you just like Cardi B says

and it's not, it's not working for you. Right? So math is not mapping

on that, right?

It's true. I have friends who are like, I just don't feel sexy. And

I said, well wear something that feels good on your body feels

good. Look, look at look at cultures around the world. Look at

women that you find striking and beautiful. What are they wearing?

You know, what is it about their comportment, their level of grace,

their presence? That is drawing you in? That is true sexiness.

What we have now is we have this theatrical version of sexy because

* is theater. Let's just be totally honest. It's scripted.

Yeah, it's completely. It's completely false. It's not true.

No one has * like they have * and *. No one No one behaves

like they do in *. It's a form of entertainment. Our lives,

however, are a true lived experience. So we really need to

learn how to embody sexiness from a Muslim perspective, but also

from a holistic perspective.