Naima B. Robert – Single Muslim Women Do you REALLY need a man
AI: Summary ©
The speaker discusses the negative impact of "uprising women" on relationships and how it can lead to family conflict. He gives advice on how to handle relationships, including avoiding "uprising women" and setting standards for one's behavior. He also emphasizes the importance of gratitude and respect for oneself and avoiding consequences. He provides guidance on how to live with success and evolve oneself.
AI: Summary ©
Smilla sounds you can guys come back on here because it just
occurred to me, there may be some people who listen to my previous
life and think that I am causing fitna and that I'm, you know,
basically telling women that they don't need to be married and that
they don't need, you know, they don't need a man and, you know,
basically telling them the wrong thing. Yeah.
And leading them astray.
And what I would like to say about that is that I think that the
culture that we have of
downgrading women who have been married previously, whether
they're divorces or widows, and also telling them that they don't
have options, and that they, nobody will want to marry them,
and that they should be satisfied with whoever wants them and that
they should accept polygamy. You know, secret marriages, you know,
somebody who can't provide provide financially, somebody who is not
mentally sound, who doesn't come from a good family and all of
these things, right? Which sisters are told all the time. That is
what is putting our sisters in danger. Not my advice or advice
like mine, what is putting sisters in danger. And in a vulnerable
position is when you tell them that they are worthless, that they
are damaged goods, that they should be happy for anybody who
will have them, they should put up with any kind of treatment, and
Beatbeat. Basically, just be grateful that he agreed to marry
you in the first place. I'm so sorry to say. But being married
and miserable, or even worse, abused, is not the same as being
single and happy. And if I have to choose between being single, and
happy and content, then I will take that over over the lottery of
marriages that you see out there today.
Because it seems to me that there are there's a lot of dysfunction.
There's a lot of dysfunction in relationships, in general, there's
a lot of dysfunction, all of us. But a lot of these brothers out
here they do be wiling, okay, I'm sorry. And a lot of them are
chances. And they prey on vulnerable women, and they prey on
vulnerable women. And the only reason that those women are
vulnerable is because they've been told again and again, that they're
worthless, that they that they should settle that they should
just accept anything that they are vulnerable, that they need a man
to protect them that they need a man to do this and need a man to
do that. And they must have a man otherwise Otherwise Otherwise,
sorry.
Are you going to be there? So
if I actually start going into some of the stories, and some of
the experiences that I have witnessed, firsthand with Sisters,
we will be here but too long for IG TV. But because people are
telling sisters, get married, be married at all costs. This is this
is what is endangering our sisters. And this is what is
endangering our children and the next generation, because they're
seeing it. And they're learning from it. Whether they're learning
and copying or learning and saying,
This is not for me.
Yeah, so who said there must be some good brothers. Of course,
there are good brothers. They're good brothers, just like they're
good sisters. And there's bad sisters, just like there are bad
brothers. I'm not saying that. What I'm saying is that,
especially when it comes to single mothers, they're not encouraged to
hold out for the good brothers. They're encouraged to accept
anybody who comes along. And unfortunately, they're not that
many kind of solvent practicing.
You know, I don't know what the word is. I don't know what, I
don't know what the word is. But you know, you know how it works in
our communities. It's not something that's unknown. You
know, if you're a good catch, you get married quite quickly. And if
you're married, you're pretty much off the market. So who is not
married after a certain age unless you were divorced, this the ones
who maybe couldn't get married when they were younger? Nobody
wanted to you know, they their mom couldn't marry them off when they
were younger. So now here they are still, or they've been married
several times and it never worked out. But you need to ask yourself,
why didn't it work out and be real about these things, be real about
these issues. And sisters. Again, if you go into those
conversations, not having
not having done the work on yourself, not having come to terms
with who you are and grown to love yourself and be your own best
friend. Then you are only setting yourself up for failure when you
start to speak to somebody especially especially if you're
hoping that that person is going to heal you is going to make you
whole is going to make you happy
It's such a big ask guys, it's not even funny. Be happy now. Choose,
choose joy, choose gratitude, choose to be happy right now. Do
the things that make you happy now, change your outlook, Teach
Yourself read, listen to the right people, heal yourself, develop
yourself evolve, so that you can be a happy individual with
regardless of the circumstances. This is what I teach my, my, my my
clients in my program all the time, the circumstances don't
matter for the people of gratitude. Because you guys know,
that's what I teach in my program. It's one of the biggest keystones
of my program is cultivating an outlook of gratitude.
Because as I said, I feel some brothers are afraid of the success
of a sister like they prefer sisters who are lower than them.
So how is the system successful supposed to get married? Sis, I
don't have an answer for you. All I know is, it's probably a good
idea that your success scares some men off because if they can't
handle it, then all that's going to happen is they're going to come
into the relationship and try to change you or try to bring you
down. So some points, you just have to make some choices. But
what I'm saying is that, you know, the gratitude is the cornerstone
for having a happy life. It's not the wealth. It's not the love.
It's not the children. It's not the any of the outside
circumstances, because people have those and they're still not happy.
And that's because they haven't done the internal work.
says it says, What do you think about a new hobby doing YouTube?
I guess a bit obvious why think? Well, I mean, that's just me. So,
you know, ask somebody whose opinion you respect.
But if you're asking me, then as long as you have, you know, the
right intention, and as long as you're doing credit, then you
know, Bismillah. But you know, feel free to go and ask, you know,
someone else. My point is this is teach your sons and daughters to
love and respect themselves, to have their own standards, girls,
and boys can't should set standards for themselves, because
I'm not out here saying that there are not men out there who are
desperately unhappy in their relationships. There are men out
there who are being abused, too. There are men who are in domestic
violence situations. And a lot of the time is for the same reasons.
They haven't done the work on themselves, they haven't loved
themselves, enough to set a standard and know that certain
behavior is unacceptable. The issue with our community is that
as far as women are concerned, any almost any behavior is acceptable
from your husband. Like you don't have a say, right? If he does
this, if he does that, as long as he's not, I don't know what what
is it now that maybe as long as he's not beating you within an
inch of your life, maybe? I don't know. But it's like, whatever he
whatever he does, like you just suck it up, right. And I think
hopefully, things are changing now. But we as women are not
encouraged to have standards. And what that means is that our men do
not have to have standards. And our men do not have to live up to
certain standards, which means that our men end up having a very,
very low
How can I explain it? It's like,
alright, so say for example,
men know, in the community, right? Men know that the community is
going to shield them. If they hit their wife, they know that if she
goes home, her father is going to tell her what are you doing here?
Go back to your house. Right.
You know, in other communities, you know, the father will say to
her once he's once you're married, that's it. You're staying there
don't even think of coming home like that's it you made your bed
you whatever it is, you deal with it. If a man in that society grows
up with that mentality, do you really think that there is any
reason why he would not when he feels like it lash out and hit his
wife?
No, there isn't because there's no consequences for his behavior.
And so it says here, I have a friend who gets beaten now and
again, and all she says is I can't throw away these many years of
marriage sis, everyone is here making their choices. And if you
choose to stay in an abusive situation, you will pay the price.
Just as if you choose to leave an abusive situation you will pay a
price. The question you need to ask yourself is a what do I want?
And B is the price for what I want worth paying. Very simple
calculation. Ladies very simple. That is exactly how I coach my
clients. That's exactly how when people reach out to me this is
exactly what I say to them. Everything has
consequences at the end of the day, right? We can never avoid
those. The question is what can you live with? What do you want to
live with? What is it that you want? And that's another question
that sisters are very rarely actually asked by others. And very
rarely ask themselves, what do I want? When am I prepared to pay
the price for what I want? If I'm married to an abusive man, but
what I want is to say that I, I was stayed married to him until he
died. Are you prepared to pay the price for that? If the answer is
yes, all the best to you? The answer may be yes, the answer may
be no. But you have to have that conversation with yourself and be
real with yourself. Because that conversation is not going
anywhere. And it's all very well, you saying, Oh, I don't have a
choice, you always have a choices, you always have a choice. It's
just that right now, the price for the choice is too high for you,
and I get it. But there may come a time when that price is, is going
to look pretty good. So it's up to you. So please, guys, do the
internal work first, do the internal work first. All right,
before we inflict it on anybody else, and also bequeath it to our
children. So I do want to clarify that so anybody's out there
saying, Oh, this is this causing fit. Now, why don't you tell us as
they don't to get married? I'm not saying that. But what I'm saying
is that if you are telling sisters that they are worthless, and that
they're not going to get a quality man, and all of that kind of
thing, because they have children or because they were divorced or
anything like that, then you are the one who is putting those women
in danger. Because guess what, you are not going to be there for her.
You are not going to be there in the house to protect her, you are
not going to pull her as husband up, when he oversteps the line,
you are not going to be there for her when it all hits the fan. So I
advise you to maybe just look at the consequences of these 1020
years of advice that we've been getting about making sober. Oh,
I'm sure it's more than 20 years.
It's more than 20 years of advice, right? But Subhanallah
you know, you've been giving women this advice for how many years?
Look at the look at the results. Are we happy with the results. And
I've said this before, and I'm gonna say this again, if if if the
only reason why marriages are, are, are not falling apart. And
when I say this property, if the only reason why a marriage lasts
is because the woman is prepared to put up with anything,
we have a serious problem.
That is not a healthy marriage. That is not a successful marriage,
a successful marriage is not one that just lasts because one
partner has got no other option and has nowhere else to go and is
not prepared to pay the price in terms of financial in terms of
community abuse, in terms of, you know, the stigma and all of that.
So she's she sits there, and she shuts up and she puts up that is
not a successful marriage. And I am afraid I'm very afraid that for
previous generations in the Muslim community when we prided ourselves
on long marriages and not having divorce, I think it was more to do
with that, than the fact that both partners were happy and fulfilled
and content in the marriage. I don't know I could be wrong, but I
just have a sneaky feeling. So let's not bequeath that to our
children. Let's teach them what it looks like to love themselves to
appreciate their value, the value that Allah has created in them
intrinsically, to know their worth and to know their standards and to
know when behavior is out of line to recognize a red flag when they
see it. And that's for our boys and for our girls respectfully. So
anyway guys, I am going to wrap up now. If any of you liked the sound
of what I was saying about my workshop and the coaching work I
do, please do send me a DM I would love to coach you I love to help
you get to your next level. Heal past wounds help you to get an
amazing frame on your life so that you can truly live your best life
in sha Allah in the coming years so just send me a DM if that's
interesting to you otherwise I pray Allah protects you all
accepts all your fast and I'll see you again soon inshallah. So when
they come