Naima B. Robert – Single Muslim Mothers, Listen Up!
AI: Summary ©
The speakers discuss the responsibility of women in society, emphasizing the need for support and support for women who are caring for their children. They stress the importance of healing and trusting oneself, emphasizing the need for love and self-development. The speakers also stress the importance of mastering one's own home and children, as it is crucial to achieve success in marriage.
AI: Summary ©
Bismillah er salatu salam ala Rasulillah Salam aleikum,
everyone, I hope and pray that you and your families are all well,
as I mentioned a couple of days ago, I wanted to come on live to
have a little chat about my article that was on my website,
and it's in one of my posts
about the single mothers Ramadan. And I just wanted to share some of
my thoughts on that with you, because I did a live and those of
you who are on that live, you know that it was fire, and it did not
save. So that was a bit annoying, but I thought inshallah I would
come on again, because I feel like some of the things that I said
were really quite important. And so Bismillah I just want to share
with you, you know, a story from a couple of years ago now, I think
it is, so imagine the scene. We are in Abuja, in Nigeria. And it
is a huge conference. And I'm one of the few sisters who are on the
panel.
Other people on the panel, there's some really big shifts there. One
of them is Mufti Menk
I'm the names of the others escaped me but they were mashallah
they were like, you know, very well respected Schewel. And so
everybody, everyone had a chance to take the mic and do their
thing. And then at the end, they did a q&a for the audience. And it
was huge 1000s of people there. So, you know, after some back and
forth, they invited me to come and sit on the stage and take part in
the in the q&a with the shoe says that she's she's she thinks she
watched it. Yeah. So anyway, what I wanted to, to kind of, you know,
talk about was one of the questions that came up was about
widows, and what we should tell, you know, widows in our society,
and a couple of the brothers I remember one of them mashallah, it
really surprised me because he said this, that in our
communities, we often relate a woman's worth to her marital
state. I'm going to say that again, in our communities, we
often relate a woman's worth to her marital state.
And the shift went on to say that she has worth far beyond whether
she's married, single divorced, widowed or anything like that.
That's where the conversation needs to start. So I was
he's, I used come up with something I wasn't expecting that
from him, okay, unfortunately, but anyway, he did. And then Mufti
mashallah, he was asked the question about the widows. And he
said that, you know, the, the way that it works, you know, in the
Islamic community is that the woman is a responsibility of her
father. And when she gets married, she becomes the responsibility of
her husband. And then if neither of those are available, she
becomes the responsibility of the community. Okay, so it's up to the
community to look after. And I, I had to interject, And
Alhamdulillah they gave me the mic. And I just said, you know,
what you are doing is basically bequeathing to grown women,
widows, divorcees, etc. victim status for the rest of their
lives. You're basically saying that, because this has happened
because Allah has decreed that you will go through this particular
test, you are now going to be a victim and worthy of pity and
charity, etc, for the rest of your life. And I said to him, we know
full well, that the majority of divorces are actually looking
after the children themselves. They're not on any handouts from
the Masjid. They are not being supported by the communities. They
are actually the breadwinners. And this is happening even in families
where the husband is still alive.
A lot of unanswered sisters, you know, this is true, and they were
like Allahu Akbar
was so funny, but they would anybody was in the crowd. If you
remember that, like, just comment, because I was like, sisters, you
know, that so many times, sisters are actually the leaders in the
household, whether the husband is there or not. They are financially
providing they are making decisions, they are taking on the
lion's share of the responsibility. And yet here we
are still having a conversation about how No, no, no, they're the
responsibility of another said instead of turning to the
community and saying, like, why can't you look after these women?
Why can't you empower the women to look after themselves? Because
that's what they're going to end up doing anyway. They all going to
end up looking after themselves and their family and their
children, and raising the next generation of boys and girls in
this ummah, without the support and without the
Specht of the community, and that is the issue. That is the issue
for me. Without the support and without the respect, because as I
have said before, I said, Look, you sisters out there who are
raising these children on your own, you hold your head up high.
Do you hear me? You hold your head up high, you are a queen, you are
a queen, and you are a leader. And you are just a bomb? Yeah. Because
Allah subhanaw taala would not give you the responsibility for
these children. If you could not handle it, there is a reason why
you are their mother.
So it doesn't serve you
to feel like Woe is me. Oh, I have so much shame I have so much on my
marriage didn't work out, he left me I'll have these children on my
own. And
that victim story is not serving you, my sis, it's not serving you.
Allah has honored you with this responsibility. Allah has honored
you with these young lives that you have the opportunity to impact
on in a way.
And I'm just going to say if their father is so short sighted that he
cannot see the honor and the the, the weight of having children in
this world that we live in, and the responsibility of caring for
them if he can't see that, forget him or get him. He is sad. And
he's probably damaged and dealing with his own pain and hurt from
his childhood. Right. So he needs to get his life together. He's
probably enacting, you know, patterns from his own family or
whatever else he's doing, right.
So the brothers they need help. They need support. They need to
get like to really see what's happening here. Because it is a it
is just a crying shame. How many sisters are on these matrimonial
sites looking for love looking for a father figure looking for a man
to come in and save the day and they have children and their
children's father is not anywhere to be seen?
Do you guys do you guys actually see how dangerous that is? And
what a terrible, terrible position it puts a woman in.
She is solely responsible for these children. She didn't make
them on her own. She didn't have them on her own. She had them with
their father who was involved and he was present and he committed to
having children with her. The children came. Now he's decided
I'm not committed anymore. This whole thing about now or there's a
divorce. I'm now financially responsible for these children.
Where did that come from? Like, where do people get this idea
from? Just because you divorced a woman doesn't mean you are not
responsible for those kids financially, emotionally,
physically, like they are your children And subhanAllah the
degree of brokenness that there must be in some of these men that
they can actually have father children, not just father the
child and dip. But actually, they're there for the pregnancy,
the baby is born, they bond with the baby, they get to know the
child is growing up as a toddler and three, five years old. They
you know, things don't work out with the mum and they're gone.
It's not like they left a baby in the womb. You know, like they left
a child. They know this child. They named this child that did
technique for this child. They whispered the doll in the ear. If
they did that. They held that child when the child was crying,
that child called them Abby, daddy, whatever they called them,
and they can just go and never like some of these men, they don't
even call to see all my children. Okay, let alone come and see the
kids come and take the kids say send them to me on the weekend.
say can I have them I want to take them to see my mother. I want to
take them to this blade. Seriously.
This is a huge muscular and I can only only only say it's exactly
they will divorce the children like their divorce the woman's
panela and I can only there's only two ways that this can be
happening. One that they were taught that that is the correct
way. But even if that's the lesson that you learned is your heart
that hard that you can have children who look up to you as
their daddy that Abby and you know, they they cry when you leave
and they're happy when you come and you can literally just turn
your back on them and that's it. You don't see them. You don't call
for them. You don't send money for them. You don't even call to see
if they've eaten if they're okay.
There's some deep pain there.
Actually, there's some deep, deep pain that and I pray that Allah
heals it, I pray that you understand, understand this huge
Amana that we have.
So Subhanallah my daughter really is for those brothers because I
think that you guys you like some of you, there's some pain there
that needs healing. So I pray that Allah gets you that healing, okay?
And guess what? That healing is not another woman. All right, just
saying that healing is not another sister is not another baby is not
another two babies, three babies five, it's not there. That's not
where you're going to find your healing. That's not where you're
going to find your happiness. There is something broken inside
you there is something hurting inside of you. That is why you
cannot connect with your wife. That is why you cannot connect
with your children. That is why you can walk away from these young
lives that are looking at you as their father as their role model,
depending on you, missing you, loving you, idolizing you,
those boys that grew up without a father figure. So they don't know
what it's like to be a responsible father and husband, you don't
think that you're responsible for that? Those girls that end up
looking for male approval out in the street, because they never had
a father to tell them that they were worthy. You think that's not
going to come back on you?
Hello, guys. We've got work to do. Anyway. That's my say on the
brothers. But what I want to say about the sisters and the single
mothers who are holding it down, don't you dare feel shame? Don't
you dare for one second, see yourself as a victim. You are the
one who showed up. You are the one who committed you are the one who
stayed. You are the one who yes, it's tough. It's a sacrifice, and
I get it. But it's a sacrifice is worth making. Because trust me,
I'm going to post a poem after this, which is talking about this
exact issue. Because while those children are young, yes, it's
tough. And you wish you had someone by your side and you wish
their father was more involved and you wish and and you wish and you
wish, but trust me, if you show up, and you trust that Allah has a
wisdom to this, and that you've got it, and you've got this and
you've got everything you need to pour into these kids. And if you
don't have everything you need, you're going to go and find it.
And you're going to heal yourself and you're going to learn and you
can develop yourself and you're going to be an amazing role model
for these children. Trust me, be it Nila one day in the future.
Those kids will be all around you.
They and their families and their children will be all around and
about you. Because you poured into them when they needed you. Do you
understand what I'm saying? So never feel ashamed. Never allow
anyone to make you feel ashamed. And please sister know that you
probably have pain as well. And you probably have some unhealed
wounds. So before before I beg you before you go into those marriage
conversations saying I want a father for my kids. I need a man
to come I need a man to come and my house my kids don't listen to
me. I need a man you don't need a man in his Supernanny. Yes, sir.
You do not need a man you need Supernanny.
You need to get your house in order. You need to heal your
wounds. You need to learn to love and appreciate and care for
yourself. You need to learn to love and care for and appreciate
your children. And you need to set the standard in your home for
yourself and for your children. And that means that some men will
not make the grade. That's okay. Because the last thing you need
and I'm speaking specifically to my single mothers here, the last
thing you need is to bring I'm sorry, but a waste man into your
house to mess up your family dynamic and mess up those kids.
And we've seen it happening before you guys know what I'm talking
about.
You bring a man? No good man. He's not got anything for him.
He's not bringing a higher standard. He's not you know,
lifting you up. He's not lifting those kids up. He's not bringing
money. He's not moving you guys into his house. But yet you're
looking to him to not only validate you, but also to love
your children like they're his own.
What a huge ask, Who are these children to him? Like who are
they? For real? He hardly knows you. For a lot of people, you
know, you're marrying somebody Subhan Allah who is like, you
know,
all you know of him is what he has shown you.
And you're gonna bring him up in your house with your kids and tell
him this is Abby, this is your dad. This call him daddy. I don't
know. I know. And we don't do that. Mashallah. As Muslims,
right? But then you want him to come and be the head of your
house. You want him to come and sort out your kids and discipline
your kids but the moment he's
starts to discipline them. You don't like it? Because like, hold
on a minute, you don't none other than that, but that's what my kids
are, you know, you don't you don't get to do that, you know, you
don't even know them like that. Right? Okay. It's just as you know
what I'm talking about just, you know, it's happened before, right?
Where you're just like, Oh, hold on wait, I yeah, I meant beat me
up, but not like that. Anyway,
my point is this, ladies, if you fill your cup,
and you learn to love and appreciate yourself, and your
life, and make it the most amazing life possible, as it is right now,
then inshallah you will only attract the very best. And when
the not very best come sniffing around, you will recognize it. And
you will be able to see that this is not for me. I'm happy. I'm in
love with my life. My kids and I are great. They have discipline,
they have love, they have Dean, I'm looking after these kids, and
I'm doing my very best by them have my support system that I've
built. And I'm only going to accept someone into my life who is
going to add to that, who is going to take that to the next level.
Not someone who's bringing drama, not someone who's bringing
foolishness, not someone who's bringing excuses, not someone
who's going to bring us down. Gnosis Loving yourself is not a
weakness. That is the biggest strength that you have. Because
trust me, there are people out there who married from a place of
loneliness, and lack and weakness and fear. They ended up often with
exactly what they needed to make them strong, which was a bad guy.
Sorry, I said it.
Because that that brother, who puts you through and runs you
through, is going to teach you about self worth, trust me. Yeah,
he's going to teach you about loving yourself, he's going to
teach you in a way that you do not want to learn. He's going to teach
you by showing you what you don't want. So let's just if we can skip
that step.
Be your own best friend.
Be your own best friend, love on you. If you can't love on
yourself, how do you expect some guy off the street to do it? And
most of the time, I'm sorry, you know, they have their own work
that they need to do to we're all human. We all have our weaknesses,
we all have pain.
Exactly. Subhan Allah, you know, this is the the women who who like
you know, bring someone into their house. And that man actually ends
up damaging their children. Can you imagine?
No, no, no, no, no, ladies, please put yourselves first. Put
yourselves first. Put your children first. They are your
Amana, they are your responsibility. So before you
bring on a man so that you can be beholden to him, and that you can
have to cater to him. And you have to do things the way he wants.
Decide what you want. First, decide what kind of person you
want to be, what kind of family you want to have with your
children, what kind of home you want to create with your children.
All of this stuff about I need a man in the house. Trust me, it's
Excuses, excuses. And I'll tell you why. I went through a stage
where I felt like oh, if there's no man in the house, you know,
thing is going to be like ABCD, right? It has to be a man in the
house. But I'm sorry, guys, it's not a man in the house. It's the
right man in the house, and the right man with the right woman in
the right house, you're not going to solve the problems that you
have with your children's discipline, or with your hygiene
in the home, or your lack of cooking skills, or the fact that
your kids make a mess or the fact that your kids fight, or the kids
that the fact that the kids are not memorizing Quran, or that
there's not enough Dean in the house, you're not going to solve
those problems by bringing somebody into the house a
stranger, because he takes some boxes for you on a marriage site.
It is so much more complicated than that. So I'm not here saying
you don't need a man to deliver that a man. I'm not saying that. I
am saying get to know yourself. First, Master yourself first,
master your home and master those children, then you will be in a
place where you can decide, do I want a man? If so what kind of man
what kind of person is going to fit in around here? He's going to
bring value around here is going to make us even happier than we
already are. Then you can start to make decisions and some choices.
Because until that time, you're like in desperation mode you're
in. I need someone I need anyone who will accept me and my kids.
Is anyone who will take me? And then what do you get? scraps?
Leftovers, rubbish waste man. Nonsense. Now says, that's what
you get. But you get that because that's what you asked for. You
asked for the nonsense because you don't know what sense is. So let's
do the work, ladies, let's do the work on ourselves and be there for
those children. Don't think that the solution to the difficulties
and challenges of being a single mum are going to be found in
finding someone who will marry you. Because that's not where the
solution is. Sometimes it can help. Sometimes it can make it
worse. But it's not the solution. The solution is you really
stepping up to your role as the mother of these children because
no matter what happens, and no matter how many men come into
their lives, you will always be their mother. And you're the first
their first person is always going to be you. And Allah is always
going to ask you about them before he asks anybody else.
So really take that on board and allow yourself to stand tall and
sit down and decide what kind of a mother do I want to be for these
kids? What kind of children do I want to come in emerge from my
care, and what's the work that I need to do to get them their
marriage and, and love and romance and that is great.
But don't think that is what's going to allow you to function as
a single mother or, you know, allow you to move these kids
better. That is a conversation that you have with your children,
and it's a journey that you have to make this so I hope that this
was beneficial to you guys. If you haven't read the article, just go
to the post in my Instagram and read the article and yeah, share
your comments on there. Share this guys I want this to go to as many
people as need to hear it.
Because as long as a log is me life and as long as a log gives me
any kind of insight I will continue to speak my mind and may
Allah accept it from me and any good is from hims petro dollar and
any evil or wrong is for myself and the shaytaan love you guys. So
Annika