Naima B. Robert – Creating a Code of Conduct Maryam Lemu
AI: Summary ©
The success of "rocky marriage" cycle is designed to build a relationship and fulfill personal needs. The importance of finding a balance between effort and passion, finding a partner who acknowledges and supports their interests and goals, finding gratitude and affirmation during marriage, finding a partner who is a one-stop shop for fulfilling personal needs, building a strong foundation for marriage, and trusting each other. The importance of understanding one's needs and prioritizing them in order to fulfill them is emphasized, and working on one's own marriage and not wanting to be the one who lights a match in a petrol station is also emphasized. The speaker advises the audience to focus on triggers of their spouse, not the emotional bank account, and to be supportive of their spouse, and to be aware of their own emotions and not be upset. The importance of balancing behavior with their spouse's self-discovery and respect is emphasized, and the speaker also discusses their experience with dysfunctional relationships and how to
AI: Summary ©
Welcome to session 1
of our secrets of successful Muslim wives series.
Our first speaker of the day is sister
Maryam Lemo,
and I know that she's got so much
to share with you, so I am not
going
to waste any of her time or your
time. You guys met her yesterday
in virtual salon. If you didn't, be sure
to watch the video of the panel discussion
yesterday.
And for now,
for being with us. We are ready to
learn. We are in school. Take it away.
Link up with people all over the world
and share this very important topic with them.
So for everyone in the house,
you are all welcome.
Alhamdulillah,
I've been asked to talk about developing
a code of conduct or what is my
true secret for the successful marriage, alhamdulillah,
that Saeed and I have shared for the
past
29 years, Insha'Allah, by September. So I'll keep
my fingers crossed and continue to make dua.
Well,
it really it has been a roller coaster
ride.
It hasn't been easy. It's taken a lot
of sweat, and sometimes I see a lot
of bloodshed
to get to what we have today where
I can comfortably say, alhamdulillah,
we have found the groove of our marriage.
We have synergized. We have connected.
We
practically think alike. I can predict what he's
going to say if someone were to ask
him a question.
So,
how do you get there? Things were not
like this.
When I first got married, I had expectations
of how my marriage would be,
that it would be a replica of what
I saw in my parents' relationship, and which
was absolutely beautiful for 50 years, Alhamdulillah.
But the reality was quite different and for
so many people that I counsel, soon after
they get married, actually, sometimes it's it's no
more than about 3, 4 months, and I
say, oh, how is your marriage? Or how
is married life? And it's like,
it's okay.
And that's the reality because a lot of
us have
images of what our ideal marriage will be
in our minds.
But when we actually hit the ground, sometimes
we fall flat on our faces,
because these are 2 completely different human beings
that are coming together to complement one another.
And it takes a while to, kind of,
find that balance. And,
here in Nigeria, we have an adage that
where we often see even the tongue and
the teeth fight. Sometimes you find the tongue
gets in the way of the teeth and
you bite yourself, and it causes a lot
of pain.
But I want to keep emphasizing something that
I see all the time.
Marriage is meant to build us. It's meant
to help us grow.
It's supposed to be fertile soil for mutual
growth,
mutual fulfillment.
It's meant to be give and take. It's
not one way.
Marriage in no way is meant to dictate
you. You're not supposed to lose yourself in
marriage. Your identity, your
you ness, if I may use that word.
So when I talk about
what has built what we have today, it's
because my husband, Alhamdulillah,
has always respected
the person he has he got married to.
He always
he fell in love with me as I
was, not as he sees
coming.
So I'll hamdu
liyeh, his beliefs of what I was meant
to be, he he never wanted me to
lose that idol. Marriage isn't meant to break
you. Marriage isn't meant to beat you. You
need to know that when you attend
courses or seminars and,
lectures on building your relationship,
you need to know that it has to
be a relationship that's built on solid ground.
A relationship
of
both committed to the success of the marriage.
You have to put in a lot of
effort, of course.
You have to have done everything until you
see there is no way out. If you're
being abused,
emotionally, physically, psychologically,
economically,
you do need to open your eyes and
stand up and try and make sure you
do the right thing. And a lot of
istikhara is needed during this time for Allah
to guide you to make the right decisions.
So having said that, let me share with
you what Alhamdulillah
has
helped me have what we have today, has
helped us develop what we have today.
Now one thing about all intrinsically built inside
of us, it acknowledged. We all want gratitude.
We want to be encouraged. We want support.
We all want affirmation.
We want
to feel that we matter, that we are
relevant. And we hate it when we're made
to feel small, insignificant,
or that our needs don't matter.
All of us, when we get married, would
want that our spouse would appreciate us and
thank us and encourage us and cheer us
on. We all want to feel
support for what we do, for our interest,
and to be listened to without prejudice.
Now marriage is actually meant to fulfill this
need and all the needs that we have
as human beings.
Your spouse is meant to
be that one stop shop where you have
your cheerleader.
You have
a one
who
you,
who acknowledges your efforts, however smart to do
or supports your interest. He's meant to be
the one who satisfies
your needs,
your wants, and your fantasies.
Who knows your
deepest fears
and concerns,
understands
everything you're going through, and knows you better
than anyone else in the world.
Now, for most who got married, probably that
was their hope, that was their expectation.
But if you are watching this today, I'd
like to ask you this question. Can you
truly say that this is your reality?
Now, I counsel a lot of couples, and
this is what I hear so often.
I'm invited also to give lectures on which
topic? How do I bring back the passion?
How do you bring the sparks back? How
do we make sparks fly when we start
to feel those butterflies
inside of us without actually addressing what made
the passion go away?
You see peace and tranquility in the home,
hot steamy bedroom acrobatics,
sparks flying. It's a package. It's not isolated.
It's not compartmentalized.
It doesn't stand on its own. You can't
be fighting over some issues,
being disrespectful,
or being disrespected,
where your spouse feels unfulfilled
and expect sparks to fly. You can't have
a spouse that's cheating on you and unfaithful
and expect peace to exist in the home.
You can't have contempt, unresolved issues,
and expect those passions, passion to fly or
love to exist. There has to be a
balance.
Certain things have to be in place.
I always say,
ask yourself sincerely, if you are if things
are going well,
what role did you play for things to
be the way they are today?
Sometimes and in many relationships, you find it's
one-sided way. It's one spouse doing all the
work. But I've made sure you at least
are not at fault. You are not the
one who's not putting in the effort. So
ask yourself sincerely, if things are going well,
what role did you play and how can
you improve upon that?
You need to be conscious that if things
are going well, be aware that it doesn't
happen by accident.
Something has made things go well.
Now if things are not going well, what
role did you play or not play to
make it the way it is today?
It's so easy for us to look outwards
and point fingers.
But whatever the relation the nature of your
relationship, and if there are cracks, whatever the
nature of the cracks that exist in your
marriage may be,
as long as they are not being filled
in,
you need to ask, what is it about
me that is keeping the cracks open? And
what am I doing or not doing to
make things worse?
And
to not focus on who started it or
whose fault. Absolutely fantastic seminar, virtual,
session that we're having for several reasons. Some
may not be married and they want to
learn tips so they get it right.
For others, things may be going absolutely great
and you want to strengthen it, you want
to learn best practices that others may be
using.
Or you mean, your marriage may be in
trouble and you want to save it.
Now, if we want our marriages to work,
if your spouse is worth fighting for, and
if peace and tranquility is what you are
really looking for, then you need to be
ready to try new things and adopt new
ways to make this work. Now after over
about 6 turbulent years that my husband and
I had, Alhamdulillah,
like I said, we finally found the groove
in our marriage. And it took 29 years
to get to the stage where when we
look back to the first 6 years of
our relationship,
honestly, I can go before I got married
and remember the fact that my expectations
of what my marriage would be like, this
has far exceeded it.
And like I said, these things don't happen
by accident.
Now the first thing to do to help,
in my opinion, strengthen your relationship
is that if there is a problem,
you have to identify the root cause of
the trouble.
If there is trouble, that is, you have
to go down to the crux of the
issue.
If you do not,
unfortunately,
you're not gonna be able to make that
sparks fly your passion
to reignite the passion in the relationship.
Trouble problems don't start from nowhere. There are
so many reasons why you find there is
conflict or there are issues that affect the
relationship.
Sometimes, it's financial issues. Money is a big
source of contention in any relationship.
I face so many people today who call
me or send me emails and say, I
am so frustrated in my relationship because I'm
not getting sexual satisfaction.
Alhamdulillah, one of the sisters later today is
gonna be going deeper into this particular topic.
Because often it's considered to be taboo. Like,
we women should not really express the fact
that we also have needs and fantasies that
need to be drawn to the
And it has pushed people to do some
terrible thing. Talking about lack of sexual satisfaction,
emails and messages sent to me by *,
because they are no longer about intimacy, whether
they are for that is a monster in
itself.
So going to the root cause of the
problem is so critical. And then communicate
another source of conflict, selfishness, and snus issues
from our past that come to haunt us.
Infidelity
is such a huge one. It's so commonplace.
And then children. Some people are in the
of the mistaken belief that the more children
they have, the closer they're gonna get with
their spouse. On the contrary, if your relationship
is not already on solid ground, children are
just gonna make it worse. And, unfortunately, they
then become bystanders
to the chaos.
And then when somebody is oppressed,
external external interference from friends or from in
laws.
Not being met. I mean, reasons why one
thing I always say, if needs are yet
to find fulfillment outside again, fulfilling
all your spouse's amount to fulfill them elsewhere.
So you need to now one of the
most important things, which is my topic today,
that worked for us is that we agreed
that we are going to have a code
of conduct. Certain do's and don'ts.
I'm just seeing a comment that somebody is
saying the video is breaking.
So I think I don't know, sister Naima,
if you are watching,
whether I should just reconnect,
or should I continue? I'm not sure if
you're still there.
I see someone is saying anyway, I'll continue
when I pray. If it continues being,
okay. I see there's another message. So bear
with me. I will reconnect, but I will
quickly see if I can get this.
I clearly don't get disconnected.
Sister Nahima, are you there? Salaam alaikum.
Can you hear me clearly now? Yeah. It's
the the same problem that we had yesterday.
I think it may be the connection on
your side
where it's sometimes So weird. With,
the Yeah. The video and your sound.
So you may want to,
log out and come back in, or we
can try with the video off just to
see if that helps the audio. I know
it's not the same,
but it's it's not all the time. Just
changed networks.
Yeah. I just logged out of my router
and tethered with my phone. So hopefully this
should work. Is it better now?
Keep talking. Let's, let's let's keep it going.
Okay. Well, let me just go back one
step after mentioning all the things that,
the challenges that exist in marriage. I emphasize
the need to make sure you are that
one stop shop for fulfilling your spouse's needs,
wants, and fantasies.
How is that?
Yeah. That's fine. Is that better? Yes. Much
better. Okay. Perfect. Alright.
So you wanna be that one stop shop,
and it is, Insha'Allah, your hope that your
spouse would be the same.
That but like I said, one of the
most important things that truly has helped seal
the deal, so to speak, in this relationship
has been many things. But to me, when
I look back, I think this is the
most important thing, is that we agreed to
create our own code of conduct,
certain do's and don'ts that we will both
observe religiously.
Every relationship must stand on solid ground, which
means the foundation of the pillars of the
structure of your marriage has to be solid
and strong.
If you look at what your relationship is
built on today,
what is the culture of your relationship? Ask
yourself,
is it
on stable ground? Because there has to be
certain fundamentals,
certain nonnegotiable,
certain principles and values
that guide your relationship, kind of like a
currency
that you both use to interact with each
other. So every relationship
has to have a code of conduct, and
others have different ways of describing it. Something
like the 5 pillars of your relationship. In
this case, it could be 10 or even
20, but the most important thing is you
have to agree on them together. You have
to sit together to come up with this
list.
There is a quote I love, people support
what they help create. If you do not
come together and both agree,
and it's one side putting in the other
isn't, unfortunately, there won't be commitment.
So you have to make sure you have
that. Another thing is you both have to
commit to be true and loyal to it,
almost like a contract.
Now I will share with you our code
of conduct, the pillar that is holding or
the pillars that are holding our marriage together.
The first is faith and spirit and spirituality.
Allah first in everything we do, holding on
tight to Allah's rope. Now if you ask
my children
to share the order in which, you know,
who comes first in our lives, I can
tell you
they know because we've told them over and
over again that Allah first,
then me.
That's each and every one of us. Because
if I'm in order, I can get the
world in order. They can get the best
of me. But if I'm broken and incomplete
and don't have enough self love or a
healthy self esteem, it's so hard for me
to love truly
and be lovable as well. So I love
first, then me, then their father, and they
come next after that. Because if their dad
and I are in order, they're gonna be
in order. So that is so important. But
Allah first, because he is our compass, he
is our guide, and we hold on tight
to his rope because we want to make
sure we follow his guidelines
on how we're supposed to behave in the
relationship.
So we do various acts of spirituality
together. We pray together in the home.
Mondays and Thursdays
fast, we encourage one another. If one is
in a fast, we say, do you wanna
join me?
We read spiritual books together, listen to Nasias
together and lectures and so on. So hold
on tight. That's number 1. Due to time,
I could go much deeper, but I can't.
I'll quickly go through my list.
The next code of conduct is fidelity, loyalty,
and contempt the contentment.
Loyalty to the institution of marriage, loyalty to
one another, to the children, and to the
family.
A lot of problems I deal with today
are caused by infidelity because you're not loyal
to your spouse. You're not loyal to your
children or your marriage. It takes a lot
of self discipline for one to find
the good in their spouse or in their
family and be content with it. And to
also have the fear of God so as
not to be unfaithful to one spouse.
Contentment
allows you to look for good. Contentment allows
you to say
and be grateful for what you have.
To look hard to make sure you find
your spouse's endearing qualities.
You see, I tell myself often that I
am so far from perfect, and that's what
makes me human.
And I also know that my husband isn't
perfect,
but I tell myself he is so perfect
for me. And that helps me say,
and gives me contentment.
I often say that if I want mister
right, I better be right myself. And that
also keeps me on my feet because I
have to try and do what it takes
to make him attracted to me.
I tell myself,
Allah has created him just for me. And
I tell him the same.
And, shamelessly, I tell him I'm his girlfriend
for life.
Sometimes my husband actually says to me, Mariam,
you mean what we have is actually legal?
It's so good to hear that,
Alhamdulillah.
But that, Alhamdulillah,
is so important because that's where you are
content with what you married.
You have to find the good in one
another. If not, why did you get married?
You invited Allah to be a witness to
your union, and I definitely don't want to
offend him.
The 3rd code of conduct we have is
effective communication.
And during yesterday's session, this was raised and
it's so important.
It is so critical to the success of
your relationship because it allows you to express
yourself. It allows you to be heard. It
allows you to learn to hear properly.
At first, my method of communication was to
while he's speaking to me, I'm thinking of
my response.
But I started to do research with my
husband was clearly telling me that I'm not
getting him. I'm not listening.
And my body language is communicating something that's
not productive or constructive
when trying to resolve an issue. So I
started to do my homework. I started to
read and ask people what their best practices
were. Then I reached out to my mom
to ask what was it she did that
made things work that I never my brother
and I never saw them fight. And I
shared this in other lectures, how she wrote
letters to my father.
I also learned when it came to effective
communication that timing is everything. That you cannot
just spring on your spouse with issues bothering
you without preparing them, without making sure that
they're in the right mindset
to actually address issues constructively.
So eventually, I learned to make an appointment
to fight. And
it sounds so weird, but really, it was
more to say, say, something is
and I'd love to speak to you whenever
it's convenient.
Alhamdulillah, this was another turning point in our
fights because it helped him prepare himself mentally.
Sometimes it took him a couple of days,
but, alhamdulillah, by the time he sat me
down and say, Mariam, come and sit right
here. What's on your mind? He sometimes put
his arms around me.
It was almost impossible for it to blow
up into a fight because
we are both prepared and there's dignity in
how it's done.
And then, like I said, I took many
courses. I highly encourage you to work on
this area.
Communication is so important.
70%,
actually, over 70% of what we communicate with
our spouse is our body language and our
facial expression
and the tone of our voice.
So I remember I would say I'm sorry
to him, and I was like, oh, I'm
sorry. And I pow pow, make expression like,
okay. What kind of a sorry is that?
I had to learn to communicate with etiquette.
I had to learn to listen without prejudice,
without thinking about other things or taking offense
by a state of a statement he may
have made, and then that wipes out every
constructive,
productive discussion.
Then I also had to learn to be
an effective listener. You see many of us
go to school where we're taught how to
speak. We learn public speaking, effective speaking, but
not effective listening.
We haven't learned the ability to genuinely listen
and be curious about what our spouse wants
to communicate.
In other words, to seek first to understand
before we try to be understood.
To hear the spoken and unspoken messages in
the words that our spouse may be saying.
We haven't learned to remove our shoes and
walk in our spouse's shoes. You cannot prescribe,
as a doctor, drugs to a person whom
you've really not diagnosed properly. So if you
want to address issues, you truly have to
learn
to walk in your spouse's issues, know where
the shoe pinches
so that you are curious enough to truly
understand where they are coming from.
And that is one ingredient, curiosity, that is
lacking in many adults.
So like I said, many of us learn
how to speak. That's not our problem. Sadly,
we are even selective about those whom we
speak nicely to.
We are polite to people whom we listen
to when we listen to them. We're polite
to outsiders, but the biggest victims are our
loved ones.
Sadly, especially
our spouses.
Sometimes we copy what we saw growing up.
We make the mistake of copying how our
parents communicated, both the negative
habits, and sometimes if we're fortunate, the positive
ones. But if our parents didn't get it
right and didn't model the right method of
communicating, we bring that into a home. That's
where you find some spouses yell at one
another, or they complain and nag a lot,
or this
simply shut down and brood.
For me, I didn't realize
that I was offending my spouse in my
body language, my facial expressions.
Because I didn't have a reference. I saw
a beautiful relationship. I didn't see fights. I
didn't see conflict in conflict resolution.
So whether you saw a good model or
not, it doesn't matter. You have to get
this thing right.
This is the main reason why so many
marriages are deteriorating. It's not about the fights.
It's actually about how you fight. It's when
you
allow contempt,
disrespect, where you dishonor your spouse. That is
what destroys a marriage.
Conflict does not destroy a marriage.
Bad manners in conflict does, and it's no
fun. Over time, you really get tired. So
I made this a huge priority
to learn effective communication.
The biggest turning point after the 6 years
of fights that Saeed and I had was
when I sat him down and I asked
him,
please
tell me. This is where literally divorce was
on my mind. But I said, please tell
me, what is it about me you don't
like that's causing this
anger, this fights, and so on? And what
is it about me you like that you
want me to change, you know, that I
should continue?
And then what is it I'm not doing
that you want me to start?
For the first time in my life, I
closed my big mouth. I got a pen
and paper to take notes, and I started
to listen.
Amongst the things he said to me was,
Marion, you have a big mouth, mouth. And
really, I did. I call it my weapon
of mass destruction,
and I used it well. I went for
jugular. You know? He said I talk too
much. When we're in public, I dominate.
And I didn't speak to him with respect.
Communication, in other words, was not effective. And
I was very selfish.
He focused more on my needs, making myself
happy.
And then I gave other people outsiders more
attention than I did with him. And I
wasn't fulfilling his fantasies.
Trust me, it's so was not easy hearing
the truth about yourself. And,
you really have to put your ego aside
to hear these kind of things. But if
resolution is what you're looking for, if you
want to build your relationship, you have to
be ready to do this.
I ask you to sit with your spouse.
This is not a pleasant exercise, but honestly,
it makes a world of difference.
Fortunately, and I've been so
blessed when asked me to do the same
of him. And this, like I said, is
the turning point. And we both promise to
work on our shortcomings.
It takes so much courage. It takes a
healthy self esteem to hear the truth about
yourself and put your ego aside. But if
peace is what you want, you really have
to be ready to look in the mirror.
So sit and discuss. What is the nature
of your relationship today?
You have to use tact and wisdom when
you sit with your spouse. You have to
use a lot of maturity.
Ask your spouse some key questions.
What did they enjoy?
What did they enjoy about you in the
early years of the relationship that's no longer
there? And ask yourself the same question.
Then ask yourself, has your spouse changed in
any way? And if they have, why did
they change?
What about you? Have you changed?
And why did you change?
What do you want to see in the
relationship today?
This is something I know since you're getting
the video of this. Play this back and
ask yourself these key questions and ask your
spouse the same thing.
And
how do you want to feel in the
relationship?
Then ask those things you want to feel,
what you want to see in the relationship.
Are you giving that to your spouse?
If you are, what can you do to
improve upon it? And if you are not,
then you need to start now.
Do you know your spouse's fears, their fantasies,
their expectations
of you?
Do you know their deepest fears, what they
expect from you, what they what fantasies they
want you to bring to life?
Do you know if your spouse is satisfied
with you and satisfied with the relationship? And
do you have the courage to ask them?
Are you comfortable asking your spouse if you
are a pleasure to be around?
If you ask yourself that question, would the
answer be yes?
And if someone was to ask were to
ask your spouse that question, would they say
yes?
Can you ask your spouse in what way
do you add value to them and the
relationship? Do you lift their spirits up? Are
you encouraging of them?
And then ask yourself, are you truly committed
to this relationship?
And finally,
would you want to come home to you?
For me, one of the most devastating things
was when Saeed said he didn't look forward
to coming home to me. It killed me
inside. It broke my heart.
In spite of the fact that I knew
there was so much conflict in the relationship,
I didn't know it was that bad.
So you have to talk, you have to
overtalk. Communication, I'm spending more time on this
because it's so key.
So the first pillar,
the first thing is develop a code of
conduct for me, spirituality,
faith, keeping Allah close.
2nd is fidelity, loyalty and contentment. The 3rd
important one, effective communication.
The 4th is mutual respect.
We always we always we've agreed to this,
that we will speak and treat each other
with No matter how angry I am,
I will never disrespect you. That is a
commitment we've made to each other, that we
will always maintain good other good manners.
Then the faith
is to trust each other completely.
Now this is hard, especially when there's a
lot of infidelity. How do you reestablish that
trust? But if you're both committed to making
the marriage work and,
you sense that your spouse has truly repented,
if that is a reality.
But even if that is not the situation
and you have had issues, you've been fighting.
Like me, that wasn't my reality, but things
were really, really bad.
To reach that stage where we could trust,
I remember I used to use what my
husband told me against him. When I was
angry, I would say, you know, your mother
was right when she said this. And that
caused him so much pain. And I remember
they got to a time where he stopped
telling me personal things,
things deep inside of him, maybe his fears
because I couldn't use them against him. So
that to trust you completely to that, you
will always
be trustworthy.
You will always be truthful. You will always
be sincere, very straightforward, very honest with me
in the relationship. I also trust you to
always be there, and I will always be
there for you. Trust is everything. I can
tell you things in confidence, and you won't
judge me. You won't use it against me.
You won't make me feel
small.
Judge me. You won't use it against me.
You won't make me feel small. You won't
get angry with me.
One thing we've been able to establish in
this relationship today is that we have no
secrets, that my secrets are safe with you.
I tell people I don't have a password,
neither does my husband on any device. I
know all his passwords on his ATM cards,
his,
we both have access to each other's emails.
It's literally on our phones. Whatever email comes
to him, comes to me and vice versa.
It just gives you this peace of mind.
It lets you sleep well at night when
you don't have any baggage.
And there is nothing. I keep telling people,
there is nothing you're gonna tell me that
I won't tell Syed. So if you don't
want my husband to know, simply don't tell
me. But getting to that stage just makes
your relationship so beautiful
because you feel good. You can sleep well
at night, that you are in good hands,
that you can trust the person you're sleeping
with,
and that they will be honest and open
with everything in the relationship.
Honesty and openness does not destroy a marriage.
You have to get to that stage, but
dishonesty does
because you have to cover your tracks. There's
no peace of mind.
Then number 6 is forgiving and giving the
benefits of the doubt. You have to be
able to make excuses for one another to
a certain extent. Don't allow yourself to be
a fool.
I mean, if there are signs that something
wrong is happening, be ready to investigate.
But
if you know your spouse is making an
effort and is sincere,
then make excuses for them.
Don't hold that grudge. If they have apologized
sincerely, then let it go. Don't bring back
things that happened in the past. This was
some terrible habits that I used to have,
where he would tell me things long ago.
And then today, we're fighting. You know, in
April, when we had that fight in 19
97, you know, it I think it was,
like, on a Tuesday, that kind of thing.
So be ready to let go of something.
Don't keep
recycling
issues that have already been addressed and dealt
with.
Then number 7 is mutual growth and shared
interest.
Ideally, grow together. Do not allow
there to be a divide between you. Support
each other's growth as well. For me, I
feel my husband is my backbone. He's pushed
me to be strong. I always say my
parents gave me the foundation, but my husband
has given me the wings to fly. He's
so encouraging of me and what I do.
So many times when I have this self
doubt, he's like, I am you're overthinking this.
Just go for it.
But you have to do the same.
Mutual growth, you have to make sure you're
both growing.
Do not allow there to be that gap.
You have to constantly evolve, constantly reinvent yourself.
Never allow stagnation
in the relationship. My brother always says, water
that sits still starts to smell.
If you allow stagnation to seep into your
relationship, it's a recipe for boredom, and boredom
is a recipe for disaster in any relationship.
And never develop or grow separately. Don't grow
intellectually and leave your spouse behind. Don't grow
spiritually and leave your spouse behind.
Eventually, there's gonna be a complex. I dealt
with a case recently where this man sent
me an email. So I involved my husband
and we were communicating back and forth. And
he has a 1st degree. His wife moved
on to get a PhD.
And now she looks down on him. And
she says things like, the way he phrased
it. He said,
you wouldn't understand.
And he said, that was so condescending and
derogatory,
but you have to make sure you grow
together. My husband I got married at 18,
like I shared yesterday.
My husband is 12 years older than I
am. What I appreciated, he's so intelligent.
He knows so much. He's very into world
affairs. Politics
has broad general knowledge is he made sure
I read the books he liked to read.
And so we ended up becoming on the
same page,
you know, being on the same platform, and
we rose together. I was reluctant to read
books and he would read them to me.
I called them bedtime stories,
But it helped because for him, it made
us have something in common to talk about.
He didn't need to hang out with the
guys in order to be able to have
a decent
intellectual conversation.
And today, he tells people that, you know,
Mariam is my teacher on so many fronts,
on so many levels.
And the humility to be able to accept
that, but most importantly,
I so respect him because of the fact
that he made that effort to bring me
up and help me grow.
And the most important thing is always have
something in common. Have shared interests with your
spouse,
Whether it's in politics, whether it's in sports,
whatever it is, the books you read, whatever
it is. For my husband, we play sports
together. We go and walks together.
We watch the news together.
We read books together.
We, you know, literally always make sure you
have something in common.
I always say make sure that your spouse
is number 1, number 2, and number 3.
Best favorite recreations
involve you.
You don't want them to seek fulfillment elsewhere,
that someone else will relate and connect. We
play tennis together, and I'm a mean tennis
player. He taught me. Now he regrets it.
If you do not
make sure you have something in common and
that you're on the same level, you run
the high risk of them going to find
someone who will relate, that they can do
something with. We all want companionship.
Couples that play together, stay together. So make
sure you take care of this part. And
then speak each other's love language. This is
the
most important way that you become your spouse's
girlfriend for life.
To be very honest with you, if you
ask me what is the key
to bringing the spice and making you
the most important person in their life. For
me, this is it.
You have to speak their love language because
like I said earlier, as humans, we have
this need for validation.
This to me is the key that unlocks
the heart of your spouse.
There's no time for me to go into
love languages, but there's this beautiful book by
Gary Chapman, 5 Love Languages. And then there
is this book by,
Anthony Robbins, the 6 basic human needs. Look
for them. And there are many, many, many
others, but these I highly recommend.
You can go on YouTube and watch the
videos where they actually talk about the books
themselves. If you don't have access to buy
the book or go on Google and look
for the book and read it. Trust me,
it will be so worth your while.
Make sure your spouse
know that they matter to you. Make sure
you validate them.
Make sure they know that they exist in
your world, and you that they mean the
world to you. You have to feed your
spouse's spirit. This is what takes you to
another another level. You have to show appreciation,
even for the littlest things. You have to
be grateful for whatever
efforts they put, however small. What you focus
on grows. If you focus on the positive,
it'll expand. If you focus on negative, it'll
expand.
You have to show love, compassion,
empathy, and and affection.
Emotional intelligence is so important when it comes
to fulfilling your spouse's needs because you get
to know what are their needs. You get
to understand them. So, again, that's another course
you should try and take or read books
on emotional intelligence or EQ.
But first, you need to know the order
of what love language is import more important
than others, in what order does it goes.
And this is how you hit the nail
on the head. I love this so much
because it helps you satisfy
their needs, their wants, their fantasies
in the right order. You could be doing
one thing, but your wife your spouse wants
something else.
For instance,
I use women as an example. A woman
would say, I want quality time.
And her spouse could say, oh, come and
sit down. Let's watch a game of soccer
together.
But if soccer is not really what she
wants, I just want to talk. I just
want to sit and practice. Hold me. Let's
not talk. That to a woman could be
quality time.
I tell a lot of men that women
make love emotionally, and men make love physically.
So you need to know that you're not
on the same level when it comes to
your needs.
And men and women need to know the
order, which one is the priority.
Like my husband,
he used to call me at least 3
to 4 times a day when I'm not
at home. And I would send him a
voice note or a video note during the
day because we try to make sure out
of our code of conduct is we we
are top of each other's mind. So you
have to deposit in the right currency. Otherwise,
you're gonna be shooting blanks.
You'll be aiming the wrong target.
But these deposits
reduce conflict because it makes it easier for
your spouse to be more forgiving, to make
excuses for you. The emotional bank account has
to always be in the blue, not in
the red.
This is what graduates you, like I said,
to being the girlfriend for life, to be
in that status, when you feed their spirit,
when you feed their soul
and then
commitment for life.
This is like
your mindset.
Your mindset, is it long term? Are you
in this for the long haul?
As long as you're both growing,
not one leaving the other behind or that
there's stagnation in the relationship or there's somebody
being depreciated. No. As long as you're both
growing and your mindset is I'm in this
for life.
I promise you Insha'Allah, things will end up
becoming that way because it helps you be
more patient. It helps you be more forgiving.
It helps you be more generous when you're
thinking
long term.
You have to have a the right mindset.
For some,
they talk about their spouse in a derogatory
term when they're amongst their friends. They talk
about their marriage with cynicism,
and they're sarcastic when they talk about it.
This is your mindset
and what you focus on grows. So if
you've got this, I'm in this for the
long haul. In my room, I have posters
on the wall and plaques hanging where it
says, and they lived happily ever after,
and you are my happy ending, things like
that. These constantly remind me that I'm in
this for life, and I keep telling my
husband back, and he tells me the same
thing.
Thing. So I ask you to make sure
you develop this point of contact. For us,
these are some of the nonnegotiables.
I'm not gonna go through all, but this
is just I'm dissecting some of the few.
These are the code of conducts that we
observe religiously. We are faithful to each other
and make sure we do not mess with
this.
Come up with your own.
Come up with your own. One of the
things we added recently, I think, in the
past 4 years is the use of social
media, a code of conduct that there are
times we will not use it and it
will not dominate
or come into our lives and, you know,
make the other one, you know, be pushed
aside. So we don't use the phones at
the table when we sit together to chat,
things like that.
So come up with your code of conduct
because there are so many that apply to
you that don't apply to me.
But talk to your spouse and make sure
you're both on the same page when it
comes to the foundation and the pillar of
your relationship.
Don't be surprised that if you're having problems
in the relationship, 1 or more of these
things are not in place. The foundation and
the pillar, the structure of your relationship
has to be in place before you start
putting decorations on the wall.
Having said that, sometimes you've put in all
your efforts.
You have done everything right, but it's not
working. You are being depreciated. You're being abused,
sometimes physically, emotionally, psychologically,
and sometimes divorce does occur. I just want
to give a word of caution, please.
No matter what, please remember
that you're parents for life.
Remember the children.
Don't talk bad bad about their father to
them.
Don't draw them into the battlefield.
Eventually, they will resent you.
And before divorce is contemplated
or before it's reached, you have to have
exhausted all options.
So if you're gonna fight, fight to make
your marriage work. I promise you, if you
talk,
if you talk,
if you talk, if you talk about your
likes and your dislikes,
if you learn to look in the mirror
and see what it is you are not
doing right,
if you build a solid foundation,
a code of conduct that you both will
observe faithfully,
I promise you that your conflict will go
almost down to 0. Well, like, I can't
remember the last time. So Said and I
have fought or had an argument.
Honestly, I cannot even remember.
We just talk. If we're not happy with
each other, we say it right then and
then and, like, I didn't like that. It's
just that simple now.
We don't fight anymore.
And I promise you, if you know how
bad our fights were in the first 6
years, you won't give up on your relationship.
It takes effort, and sometimes you have to
be the mature one. You have to be
the one to make the first move.
So you have to work. It doesn't mean
you you won't disagree. You can disagree,
but you won't be disagreeable.
And even when your emotions are high, do
not lose sight of the person you married.
Do not lose sight of their endearing qualities.
You're married out of love. That person is
still there. Something has made them go into
hiding. You have to find where they are
and bring them out. And trust me, you
can kill your spouse with love. If you
feed their spirit, they are gonna need you.
They are gonna want you.
You have to find good in one another.
I'd like to end by asking you some
key questions that I think you should reflect
on. And like I said, because of time,
I can't go through all, but I would
love you to play back this video so
you actually have a conversation
with your spouse about this.
Would you want to be married to you
sincerely the way you are right now with
all your habits? Would you want to be
married to you?
Do you believe you're attractive both inside and
out? Do you work on making sure you
look good for your spouse, but that you
are good inside? Because this is all gonna
fade.
Are you a pleasure to be around
sincerely?
Are you a pleasure to be around? Do
you add value to your spouse? And do
you add value to the relationship?
The things you wanted from him when you
got married to him, the things you want
out of the relationship.
Do you do those things yourself?
And would you want to come home to
you?
Are you committed?
Are you committed? Are you in this for
life? What is your mindset?
Sit with your spouse.
Talk.
This is just like
the tip.
It's not it you have to work on
asking the relevant questions that apply to you
because there's no one size fits all to
making marriages work. Nobody can give you the
black and white formula and say this is
it because everybody is unique.
And your you ness
is different from mine.
But you are a beautiful person. You have
to believe that. And you may have bad
habits you need to work on,
but you came together for a reason.
And it is my prayer and hope that
what you hope to get when you signed
up
for this seminar, this virtual seminar, that you
will achieve it by the end of today.
It's gonna be a long day of back
to back, but Alhamdulillah, sister Naima Roberts has
tried to cover all bases. You know, even
the bedroom acrobatics. You've got somebody waiting in
line to share with you. If you're in
a polygamous relationship, we have a sister who's
gonna help you. Oh, 2 sisters sister wives
who are gonna share what are their best
practices.
You also have someone who goes into the
nuffs, you know, the the loving yourself, self
awareness, and so on. We've got everything lined
up today, but it is my hope and
prayer that everything that's gonna be shared with
you today will help you
open your eyes to a new possibility of
making your relationship even better than it is.
And if it isn't good, may Allah put
light
because
because there is no
better source of peace of mind
than having a happy home.
Because if you're in order, the children will
be in order, and they'll see the perfect
model
of how a good relationship is meant to
be. I love where Rasulullah SAWAN
spoke during his last
where he talked about the deen, and he
said that it is his hope that generations
long, long after he's gone will know the
Dean better than those who saw it live
and direct.
The same applies to marriage, and this is
how I view it, that I'm just passing
the baton on. So what am I passing
on?
Am I passing on something that once they
tick from where I left off, they will
build on it. It'll be far better than
what they even saw between my husband and
I. And
sister Naima Roberts, may Allah bless you for
And sister Naima Roberts, may Allah bless you
for this. May this serve as a witness
for you in the life to come.
Sister Maryam, thank you so so much for
that beautiful advice. We've got some amazing notes
here that people have have taken.
Yeah. You've given us a lot of food
for thought.
Just wanna thank all the VIPs
and patrons who are here taking notes.
And, we've got the wonderful attendees in Facebook
as well who are watching.
It's about 50 of them watching right now,
and that number is going up. So,
sister Maniam, do we have, a few minutes
for questions, or are we wrapping up now?
Absolutely.
No problem. I have a question here that
was sent through, and I think it's quite
an important one. And it is, what if
the other party is not ready to have
those conversations
that you explained? You know, the conversations where
you get to share really deeply and talk
about, you know, your deepest, you know, needs
and wants and desires? What if the other
party is not ready to have those conversations?
That is such a common question and that
is the reality. For some, they have a
non expressive spouse.
And I think because culture, generally, society and,
husbands
most often copy what they saw growing up.
You find that,
some men don't believe they should express how
they feel. You know, men are told to
man up.
It makes them vulnerable when they sit and
actually
dice allow themselves to be dissected, so to
speak. And
they speak and point fingers, which sometimes is
much easier than it turning the other way
around. But opening yourself up is not something
that men are raised to do generally.
I think I said this yesterday, everything goes
back to premarital.
If before you get married, you have a
conversation about these kind of issues. How should
we resolve conflict? How will I know what
you want from me? How often should we
have conversations? It helps a lot. So if
there are any singles in the house, this
premarital
phase is actually your greatest strength.
It's gonna be the biggest asset you're gonna
bring into the relationship.
Having that talk to make sure
you you agree with the way your spouse
to be
wants to talk about issues and that it
aligns with what you have in mind. However,
if it's too late and your reality is
you have a non expressive spouse or one
that doesn't want to come to the table
and talk. And often what you find is
you're the one putting in all the effort.
You're the one
working to keep the marriage together and sometimes
bearing responsibilities
that are not meant for you to bear.
That is the reality of so many. What
I always say is, what are your marriage
expectations?
Is this your ideal marriage?
Are you ready to spend the rest of
your life with this as it is?
Because sometimes there are marriages that
cannot work.
I learn those best,
but
what are your expectations?
I always say I didn't get married to
manage.
I didn't get married to suffer.
I didn't get married to be broken. And
I had expectations
because of what I saw growing up of
a beautiful relationship that I would grow. I
would develop, I would contribute
and I would flourish.
I would thrive.
So if your expectations
are that
of those,
and that's not the reality, and this relationship
is not one that is gonna give you
that end, then you definitely need to do
your ispehara and make a decision as to
whether you want to continue. I mean, that's
the reality. It's not ideal.
Definitely, I'm not in any way an advocate
of getting a divorce.
But when I am an advocate of getting
a divorce is when you are being
broken, depleted,
depreciated,
or made a shell of who you are
when there's physical
damage being done.
But that's when you have exhausted all options.
So you have to make the effort. You
have to try every means possible. You have
to be creative.
Maybe the method you've tried to use to
approach your spouse to talk isn't
working. Sometimes I prefer to say, start with
yourself, sit with them and ask them to
critique you
and let them tell you what it is
about you you're doing wrong.
So sometimes that's less intimidating.
It reduces the risk of the ego going
up. So you now allow them to talk
and express what it is that's bothering them
about you. What don't they like? What do
they want you to do differently? And what
are you not doing that they want you
to start?
Then you leave it at that and start
working on yourself. Make the effort. Since they
have said what they don't want and what
they want, then work on that. Be patient.
Like I always say, be patient to see
the results of your effort, but don't be
patient indefinitely.
Don't be patient saying, oh, marriage is a
jihad.
Yeah. It is a struggle, but it's a
struggle
to work on yourself. It's a struggle for
your spouse to work on themselves. It's a
struggle for you to work on the marriage,
but not one way.
So you be patient to see the results
of your effort until you see no other
way out.
You don't wanna be in a going nowhere
relationship. That is just the reality.
Sometimes we get trapped in relationships, especially when
children come into the equation,
but at the same time, what are your
children seeing? Are they seeing a model of
a relationship that they should replicate?
Think about your relationship today. Is it something
you want your children to to do? Do
you want them to feel the way you
feel right now?
I mean, you really have to be honest
with yourself. Sometimes we prefer not to think
of those things.
But the truth is, you're not meant to,
even when you see how Allah describes in
Suratul Rum, what marriage was meant to be
when he talks about,
you know, he's put love and mercy in
our hearts. Marriages are bankrupt. Many marriages are
bankrupt of love,
and people are not merciful to one another.
So you need to know what are the
what are your expectations and don't lose sight
of what that is and work and fight.
So be creative if you try speaking to
them and that doesn't work, write a letter
to them. If that doesn't work, send a
voice note. If that doesn't work, you may
have to seek external intervention.
I mean, you really have to exhaust all
options, but if you're to seek external intervention,
let it be from someone whom you trust,
who will be discreet and who has your
best interests at heart and who will give
the best advice and whom your spouse respects.
But you have to try all means possible
until you see no other way out. And
then you make the decision with Allah's blessing.
Like I say, do your istihara,
but make sure
that you do everything right and make sure
you're not found wanting.
So if they've said these are the things
that you need to work on, work on
it. Work on yourself.
Fix yourself first before you point fingers.
If they see you're making an effort, if
you start to fulfill their fantasies
and the needs they have and their wants,
they start to feel they need you. Like,
I always say, you can't force anyone to
love you, to need you, to want you,
but you can make yourself the one that
your spouse needs, wants, and desires based on
how you behave and what you do. And
when you focus on feeding their spirit, validating
them because as human beings, that is a
need we all have to feel that we're
relevant, we matter. So when you feed their
soul, I promise you, like I said, it
takes you to another level in the relationship.
So be patient
and start working on those issues,
but you have to get them to tell
you. And when they say
you, like my husband, he said, I had
a big mouth and the the good thing
is I knew I had a big mouth.
But,
sometimes that's when we say, what do you
mean by that? How can you say that?
And we start going on the defensive. You
cannot. You have to put all your weapons
down and be ready to be to receive
constructive criticism.
Sometimes it hurts because we're not always as
diplomatic as we as we should be. But
let you not be the one that's non
diplomatic.
No matter what, make sure you are very
tactful, make sure you use wisdom and maturity,
and think the end in mind. It's constructive.
Right? You have to always think of your
end game. And that allows you to be
careful and tread carefully, but it doesn't mean
you shouldn't say the truth.
It's just say it without causing pain, say
it without putting the wall up, you know,
triggering that ego and so on. So you
have to just try all means, creative means.
May Allah make it easy.
For that really comprehensive,
answer. May Allah make it easy for all
of us.
I've got some more questions here.
I don't know whether you remember
if that you mentioned another book,
besides the 5 love love languages by Gary
Chapman. Was there another book that you mentioned?
Yeah. 6 Basic Human Needs by Anthony Robbins.
Robbins. Okay. Definitely. We will put together a
reading list,
like, recommended reading from all the panelists,
and share it with, everybody who joined our
session. I think that'll be really interesting for
everyone.
Hey. I've got lots of comments in Facebook
here.
How can you be forgiving when there is
verbal abuse and gaslighting in arguments when things
don't go his way?
Yeah. Excellent question. I always say timing is
everything.
Timing is everything. Don't set a match in
a petrol station. I use this quote all
the time. Timing is everything. You better know
when to fight, when to raise issues.
And if your spouse is behaving badly, don't
mirror their bad behavior. Don't go for go
go blow for blow. And that's often a
reaction because once we are hurt, it's
natural that we lash out and mirror what
we are seeing. But you always have to
be the mature one. Always maintain dignity. If
your spouse is not ready to develop a
code of conduct of respect
and dignity in the relationship, make sure you're
not the one founding found wanting.
Because like I said,
quarrels don't cause divorces,
don't break up a marriage. It's how you
fight
that does. And disrespect
in quarrels is what causes problems. That's what
makes things deteriorate because that's what festers.
Long after the fight is over, you always
remember
the harsh words, the expression,
the contempt,
and things like that. So you have to
make sure
that first of all, timing.
Like I said, I made an appointment to
fight. I told my husband something was bothering
me. But before it wasn't like that, he
walks through the door, and I was like,
say it's something is bothering me. Or on
the phone, he's at work, and I say,
I'm really upset.
And I just go
with my weapons. And, unfortunately,
that cannot solve a problem.
So try not to provoke the ego. You
really have to work on understanding your spouse.
And if you've deposited
enough in the emotional bank account, it makes
it
less likely that they will be explosive. Yes.
You may have someone who naturally
has a quick temper, and that is a
reality. That may be your reality.
Having understanding
them
helps because then you know what are their
triggers. You read them very well. You need
a bit of psychology in marriage.
So once you read and you truly understand
what have their triggers, then make sure that
match is not lit by you, because they're
often a ticking time bomb. Then kill them
with love.
Feed their spirit, validate them because often when
you see fights,
it's because you've been focused on focusing on
negative. What you focus on grows, what you
focus on expands. But when you change your
energy and now move towards validating,
looking for as angry as you may be,
as hurt as you may feel.
Do not focus
always on the negative. And if you're gonna
focus on the negative, make it constructive.
But look for however small, the good in
your spouse and let them know. Acknowledge them.
Make them feel they matter. Make them feel
relevant. I have a friend who asked me,
who said she has done everything. She swung
from the chandeliers.
She does the makeup. She gets the sexy
lingerie. She does everything. And yet her spouse
doesn't seem to notice that like that doesn't
turn him on.
And so I went through the 5 love
languages 1 by 1 and the 6 basic
human needs. And I tried to
see, okay, does he respond to massage? Is
that physical intimacy?
No.
Is it variety that he's into? No.
What about service? Does he want you to
support him when he does acts of service?
No.
Then it fell we fell on gifts,
and it seemed he enjoyed
getting gifts.
That was his love languages. It may sound
shallow to some people who that is not
their strength. Like, for me, my number one
is support me in the acts of service
because that gives me fulfillment. That gives makes
my life meaningful.
And that way, what I do now, alhamdulillah,
my husband supports me in those things. And
for me, yeah, that's making love. That's like
foreplay.
So you need to get to understand what
is his love language and make sure you
fulfill that. So that's why I said you
need to put
put press pause,
pull your brakes and watch, figure out what
are his languages, what are his needs, and
speak his love by love language in the
right currency. But at the same time, do
not be the one who lights a match
in a petrol
station.
Then with regard to being broke and being
disrespected, that is something
I often say. You teach people to respect
you. You show that you will not be
disrespected. You will not be dishonored. Early on
in the relationship is the time to start
it. But you can reclaim that
by if you find your spouse is raising
their voice,
intimidating you, threatening you,
speaking in a condescending manner to you. You
need to own your
dignity
by saying, I'm so sorry. I didn't want
this relationship. I can't I'm talking to you
the way I would if it happened to
me. I'm so sorry. I can see you're
angry. This is not a good time to
talk.
But
I just don't like when I'm being spoken
to like that. And please don't be upset.
Sincerely, I try to use a lot of
empathy when I speak,
emotive words. So,
but I'm feeling small,
by the way you're raising your voice at
me. And I feel worthless
because of the choices of words. But, please,
don't be upset. Could we continue this conversation
at another time,
or find a different way of communicating? But
I'm so sorry. And if they continue,
that's when I say, I'm sorry, but I
have to walk away. I'm I'm not comfortable
with this. And I walk away. I mean,
you really have to reclaim yourself. You will
not be stripped of your dignity. You will
not be dishonored.
You have to have a healthy enough self
esteem not to ever give anyone the permission
to bring you down or make you feel
worthless.
Allah created all of us equal,
literally. Because in Surat Al Bujera,
superiority is in in his eyes are based
on our taqwa, not based on gender.
So you have to know as a human
being, you deserve dignity.
You deserve to be respected, but you have
to be respectable.
So you gotta make sure it's balanced. Don't
do things
that give them excuses to dishonor you. So
you have to do your own first,
but you make sure you do not tolerate
it. But you have to use tact because
they are your spouse. If it's a total
stranger sometimes and they're not worth it, you
just walk away.
That's what I can say.
I
love that.
Very, very,
insightful and even the issue of setting boundaries
and, you know, reclaiming
your self respect, I think, is something I
think we need to have another conversation
about this, Inshallah. Maybe we'll do a special
podcast for the patrons. But,
amazing amazing yeah. I'm I'm still processing that.
Another question here. Very
interesting based on your experience,
of of never seeing your parents fight.
So this sister asks,
do you think not letting kids have any
sense of there being a disagreement between their
parents is a good idea,
so as not to get the kids, not
to let them have false expectations when they
go into marriage. What what what what are
your thoughts on
growing up never seeing your parents arguing, and
then you get married, and then first thing
you do is argue and you're like, okay.
It's divorce. That's it. Like, what what are
your thoughts on that?
Absolutely. Beautiful question. Actually, I once told my
mom, may Allah have mercy on her. I
was like, mommy, you cheated me. I said,
you never let us see you fight. We
didn't know how you fought. We didn't know
you even fight and when we got married.
So,
for me,
using that
template,
I have taken what I saw was the
best of what my parents had to offer.
However,
we have to also be very real
and be very
truthful with ourselves that sometimes our parents don't
get it right. And if I'm to fault
my parents in any way, I would say
they should have prepared me and my brother,
with that or allow us to go in
with the knowledge and the tools needed to
resolve conflict. For them, by the time we
were old enough to be aware, they'd been
married years and they'd already,
you know, passed that hump
that a lot of people will go through
in the early stages. However,
for me, I've got 2 boys. They're in
university
now. They have attended my lectures because I
made sure they they
I wanted to make sure they get exposed,
that I don't make the same mistakes my
parents
made. So
I have spoken to them. My husband and
I have spoken to them. Fortunately, they actually
watch us sometimes disagree,
but we don't fight in front of them.
There are times where I'm really upset with
my husband and I have separated myself from
the room. And the kids grew up seeing
us always in the same room. Whenever
they come into the house, whenever they're in
the home, we're always in the same room.
So one day, I'll give you a quick
example. I was in one room and my
husband was in another room. And my youngest
son came and saw me and he saw
I was watching TV. He's like, Emma, what
are you doing here? And I was like,
oh, I'm watching TV. He's like, oh, why
aren't you with Baba? And I was like,
I wanted to watch something different. He said,
no, you don't. I was like, yes, I
do. It's like, you always watch the same
thing. And it's true. Even if it's soccer,
we watch it together, anything. So he's like,
you're fighting, aren't you? And I was like,
no, we're not.
So he then goes and gets back up,
brings his big brother with him.
He now stands towering over me. He's like,
Noreen said you and Papa are fighting. I
was like, what?
So he said, prove it.
So I had to walk all the way
to the living room where my husband was,
and I stood by the door and he
immediately got the code. He got what I
meant when I said, these monkeys think we
are fighting. And he's like,
why would they think that? And, you know,
we just had to put on an act.
And then again, the older one said, prove
it.
He said, how? He said, hug each other.
And so my husband got up. He hugged
me. And then the younger one now said,
kiss her. So he kissed me on the
cheek. They said, better. And both monkeys left
the room. And trust me, I was actually
really, really mad at my husband. This was
about 10 years ago. Well, you were actually
arguing at the time. Oh, right. We were
holding a grudge. We were holding a grudge.
We were holding malice. We were talking to
one another. I was mad at him, so
I went to watch something in another room.
So after
this incident and he kissed me, well, now
next thing you know, I started wiping my
cheek and rubbing my body like, ew, he
touched me. But it was so funny. He
started laughing and I realized how silly I
was being. And just that physical contact, and
I tell people, if you can move away
from the anger and the hatred sometimes you
feel towards your spouse when you're mad at
them and make physical contact, it just seems
to dust the fire. That works for me.
So when I'm upset with him,
to be very honest, I don't wanna be
in the room with him, but I sit
this was long time ago. But I would
sit by his side, and I would find
that physical contact. Sometimes I would put my
big foot on his little foot. I have
huge feet. And
it just seems that physical contact reduces
the risk of it deteriorating.
It just I don't know whether it works
for everybody, but that seems to work for
me. But the point that, the question that
was raised is, I have made sure that
I've spoken to them, that you will have
arguments, you will miss have misunderstanding, but you
will never disrespect.
And because they've never seen us disrespect one
another, fortunately, we didn't have children till we
knew we were done with our big fights,
till we knew we were on the same
page. So before we got married, my husband
said, I'm not ready to be a father
because I have some unfinished business. I have
things about myself I want to have fixed
before I bring children into this world with
Allah's blessing. And he says, you definitely are
not ready. I was a rebellious hot headed
teenager when he married me. So we waited
till our 7th year, alhamdulillah,
before we we in our 6th year, we
had finally gotten our act together or starting
to. And then, Alhamdulillah,
by the 7th year, our first son came.
But it that was also deliberate. Like, we
didn't want to bring a child into a
world where there was no love, where there
was conflict, where there was turmoil, where they
wouldn't see a model that they would want
to emulate.
Now, from the time my oldest son turned
11, he kept talking, oh, I can't wait
to get married. I can't wait to get
married. When I have my wife, mama, you
are gonna be jealous of how well I
treat her because they grew up seeing a
fantastic. Alhamdulillah.
I thank Allah all the time for the
blessings of what I have. But like I
said, this didn't stop from nowhere. It took
a lot of work and effort, but it
took commitment and that mindset that, you know,
I'm in this for life. I'm married to
my boyfriend for life.
Allah created him just for me. It took
a lot of effort and hard work. But
please, yes. Talk to your children that there
will be misunderstandings.
But make sure you teach your daughters not
to accept being dis respected, not to be
maltreated.
That marriage isn't meant for that. And the
premarital
is so critical. When you're talking about children,
please equip them with all the tools they
need. Make sure they've learned about effective communication.
Enroll them in courses. You have to teach
them. But the most important lesson they can
ever see is seeing what you and your
spouse are doing. I mean, you can't talk
till the cows come home.
What they see is what they will most
likely replicate. If you look at how your
relationship is with your spouse today, 1 or
both of you are emulating what you saw.
That just seems to be the common trend.
Nyala, make it easy.
I mean I mean and I really love
what you said about teaching the children.
We are working on that, guys. Just to
give you a heads up, we are working
on a way to allow all
Muslim girls initially,
but hopefully boys in the future to to
learn some of these skills that, Mariam, you
and I, we just learned in the last
5, 10 years. Right? Absolutely.
Love languages,
you know, human needs, effective communication, even Emotional
intelligence. All of that. Emotional intelligence, all of
that. So we would love to be able
to equip the next generation with these tools
early on so they don't have to go
through some of the stuff that we've had
to go through,
and hopefully are better equipped
to deal with,
you know, what the what the future holds,
what life holds. Absolutely. I think that is
it for questions.
We need to see just make sure
oh, okay. This this is the last one
because we do need to wrap up, guys,
and we don't take too much of your
time to Dominion. But we have a question
here from one of the patrons, which is,
what can you do when you have been
exposed to your parents fighting and it is
majorly toxic?
How do you heal from that trauma?
Yeah. Like I always say, sometimes parents don't
get it right.
It's one of the worst experiences to go
through because I've seen a lot of dysfunctional
children. We run a high school. We run
several school, but I'm involved with the high
school. And I
see, amongst the most rebellious kids, you go
back to the roots. What is the problem?
And it's from the home.
If you have been a witness, first, you
have to identify what it is you didn't
like that you saw.
And then, pray for them. Because, like I
said, they're human just like you and you're
fallible just like they are.
And you would pray that your children will
also make excuses for you and pray to
Allah to forgive you. So the same you
have to pray to Allah to forgive them.
You are not them.
You have to recognize that and no stories
will ever be the same unless you are
consciously
deliberately replicating it.
Whether some of our experiences,
however, our experiences don't have to define us.
So you have to recognize
what you didn't like. You have to be
ready
to acknowledge
that my mother made a mistake or my
father made a mistake or my parents
made a mistake.
And what you detested do not make the
mistake of replicating it, But you have to
learn to forgive them,
and you have to be kind to yourself.
Because if you allow the
bad behavior of others to define you, you're
gonna just damage yourself.
Because that is what you're gonna bring into
any new relationship. That's why I talked about
shed any load, any excess baggage you may
have from your past experiences. Sometimes it's, witnessing
a bad relationship. Sometimes it's having gone through,
some form of abuse with a physical abuse,
sexual abuse, psychological. You may be a victim
of that, but you have to shed that
load before you come into any new relationship.
Otherwise,
you're gonna be having things that manifest themselves
in an unexpected way in your relationship. So
acknowledge
first, look at it raw and see what
it is as it is, and then pray
to Allah to forgive them. And once you
have identified what you didn't like, make sure
you don't make the same mistake.
And then be very, very careful
when it comes to, if you're not married,
selecting wisely.
Do crossing all your t's and dotting all
your i's. Doing enough investigation about the person
you're getting married to, and talk and talk
and talk and talk. And if you're already
married,
then like me, I went through an experience
with my Islamia Malams when I was growing
up.
One in particular almost sexually abused me. And
I talk about that, but I could never
talk about it when I got married because
I felt, you know, this guy was groping
my legs and so on. Alhamdulillah, I was
doing the Quran with my brothers. So there
were others in the room all the time
and my half brother, may Allah have mercy
on him. I told him what was going
on. So he always stayed and never left
me alone with this person, but only Allah
knows what would have gone wrong. But I
felt so ashamed of that. I don't know.
It just kept weighing me down. I couldn't
tell my parents. And then when I got
married, there were things that suddenly I started
to do them. My husband's like, what's why
do you get angry when I talk about,
Quran or Islam or things like that? Why
do you behave like this?
And I stopped praying for over 6 years
after I got married. And my husband
couldn't he didn't actually know that I wasn't
a he knew for someone who came from
a home that, you know, I had, religious
scholars everywhere. My mom, my dad, my brother,
like, why am I so anti Islam and
so on? And he then was able to
peel the layers and get down to the
crux of the issue that
the person entrusted to teach me about the
Quran, to teach me about the faith. The
Amana in his hand, he violated.
And so I associated,
Islam and any anything to do with it
with this person. So he
helped me heal. He helped me accept and
understand and face it, but he also helped
me deal with it in the right way
enough that I can actually talk about it
because this is a reality affecting so many
today. So anyway, like I said, just be
kind to yourself.
Don't carry a burden of other people's mistakes
on your shoulders. You're only gonna be hurting
yourself. And then Allah tries us all. And
sometimes our parents are our trial. And so
we need to know that what the best
we can do is,
learn to forgive. Because if you hold a
grudge and continue to blame them for what
went wrong in your life, you're gonna be
on a roundabout with no exit. You'll just
keep spinning your wheels like a scar stuck
in mud. So you need to learn to
let go
and heal and forgive
and move on. May Allah make it easy.
May Allah lighten your load. It's not it's
it's not easy. It's very traumatizing.
But you have to take charge and be
in control of you.
And this is how you reclaim and know
keep saying, I'm not them.
I'm not them. And I am not going
to do that and learn to be the
best version of yourself.
SubhanAllah.
Sister for really
being so honest with us.
And this is something that I I want
to just thank and honor
all my sisters,
and brothers who have been coming to virtual
salon,
for just being so open
and honest.
And I know, and you know, in our
community, it's not easy to say some of
the things that you've said,
because, you know, people are not used to
hearing it, people judge, people have all sorts
of things, but the more
we speak about it, the more people can
see that this does happen,
and it's not the end. It's not
the final chapter. It's one chapter Insha'Allah amongst
many. So I just want to commend you,
not commend you. It's not been a commending,
it's to honor you and to thank you
for being open with us and being honest
with us. We love you. You are one
of our teachers. You're one of my sisters,
and I feel honored and blessed to call
you my sister in Islam.
And, for everybody who's listening, please inshallah,
make dua for sister Maryam Lemuel and her
family that Allah protects her and allows them
to continue to do their good work Insha'Allah,
and to allow all of us to be
the change that we want to see in
the world.
Maryam Lemuel is on Instagram. She's on Facebook,
and you can contact her, I believe. What's
the best way for people to contact you,
sister?
Mariamleimo@gmaildot
com, and then often the DMs,
especially in Instagram,
get to me instantly. I do have admins
in both, but,
I'd say that one is mariamlemo official on
Instagram and Facebook to,
mariamlemo. Perfect. Perfect.
Thank you so much for this amazing session
and for kicking us off today. Hopefully, we
will see you again very soon.
Thank you so much. It was such a
pleasure. We'll see you all at 12 o'clock
for the next session.