Naima B. Robert – Advice on Muslim Marriage Conference Day 2
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The speakers emphasize the importance of finding a healthy
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And I am muted.
That's because we had talk after talk after talk back to back.
Welcome back to day two of the secrets of successful marriage
conference. Super excited to be back here with you for day two. If
you miss this morning session with Khadija educador on Attachment
styles, I suggest going to the YouTube channel and just going to
the Live section and watching it because it was mashallah very
thorough, very clearly, clearly laid out and mashallah very, very,
very eye opening, especially from the angle of people taking
accountability for the way that they show up in relationships, and
how this may be affected by your childhood. Something that we've
spoken about often on this channel, I think many of us are
aware of, is the impact of childhood and relationships with
parents impacting how we show up as adults. So in the sisters talk
in her leaders talk, she talked about how to develop secure
attachments, regardless of what your attachment style was, or what
happened with you with regards to attachment as a child. So
mashallah super, super relevant, everybody. Really, Mashallah. So
make sure that you get to attend that and watch that and leave your
comments. We really would love to see what you've taken away from
it. And if you watched yesterday's stream, let us know what you
thought what jumped out at you. What stayed with you, you know,
what did were you still thinking about afterwards? I think it was
like I said it was a long stream. I think most people probably will
not watch
all of it. We'll have to wait until the individual talks are
published next year. But we covered a lot. Let me know if you
were there yesterday. Let me know. You know what, which one was your
favorite? I would say that there was a lot of appreciation for
Sister Alia Omri yawns talks. The first one on building a foundation
with Allah subhanaw taala as the foundation of your marriage, and
her second one on how reverse can get married. So there was a lot of
fantastic feedback to those two talks, masha Allah, again, lots of
fantastic feedback for our conversation about whether
successful women in in the sense of professionally successful women
can make good wives. We talked about that. It was a very honest
and open conversation. And again, very relevant for today's times. A
lot of people loved Dr. Sharifah catalog alanda. Lucia is talk on
how to find a spouse. She was very direct, very upfront, you know,
she didn't like sugarcoat anything and it's her first time
introducing her on the channel, lots of people went and subscribe
to her channel. So I'm really pleased about that. I met her on a
tour, we were on a tour together. a speaking tour in August was my
first time meeting her as well, Mashallah. And I said, I think my
people will like you, you need to come and speak so and hamdulillah
her talk on how to find a spouse was was really, really good
yesterday. Mashallah. Similarly, the brothers panel on how young
men can prepare for marriage? I thought it was great. What did you
guys think?
I thought the advice they gave was very practical, it was very
doable. And, you know, it kind of gave a blueprint for you know, how
to spend your years as a young single man, what to invest your
time in what to invest your energy, and what things to avoid,
and how to prepare yourself mentally, emotionally,
financially, physically, to be the leader of a household, and I found
the insights of the brothers really, really useful, especially
when we started talking about, you know, getting the boys married
young, who remembers, you know, how there was this different take
on, you know, the boys getting married, young, were in a previous
session, sisters had said, I want my boys to marry young and I will
support them. And I'll just, you know, I'll be like, I would love
that I'll be fine with it. I will do everything I can to make it
happen. And the fathers were like, hold on a minute. They're gonna
have to prove to me that they have, you know, understood the
role that they're ready to take on the role. And I thought that that
was a really helpful balance, right. And that's one of the
reasons why I'm so grateful that we get to have
have brothers and sisters in this space as speakers. And also as an
audience. I haven't looked at the stats. So I don't know this, the
ratio of men to women on my channel, but I know that we've
always, you know, really kind of made it and you know, being
intentional about having
about having
viewpoints, from the male perspective and the female
perspective represented, and to discuss issues so that we can hear
and understand each other. Right? Because I think the reality is
that a last minute Allah created us in pairs.
In a family unit, there is ideally a mother and a father. And that's
because we bring different skills and talents and abilities and
perceptions to the table. And children need both right girls
need both boys need both, right? The whole family needs mother and
father to come as themselves to the space. And so I love the fact
that we got to discuss a particular issue. And we heard how
a mother would see it, and maybe why mothers would see it that way.
And also how a father would deal with it, and how a father would
would would handle it. And I think that that's particularly helpful
for unfortunate we know that in society in general, and in the
Muslim community, we have a lot of sisters raising children on their
own. And in order for I thought that it was very helpful to hear
the man's perspective, because, you know, they they gave, you
know, as, as a father, what they would do. And they also advised,
you know, mothers who are for whatever reason, raising their
children on their own, what they can do and what they should do, in
order to prepare their sons for marriage. So I think that that's
really helpful, because I think for many single moms, there is
this, you have to almost, you can't be in your feminine
mothering mode all the time, because the children need that
balance. So sometimes you have to try to play both roles. And
sometimes you have to make decisions from a place of what
would their father do, right, even if it's just a decision about
something. And anyway, and obviously, involving a male
having, you know, trying to get male role models to be involved.
But I thought that that was really helpful. Mashallah. And then the
sisters panel, the sisters panel was very interesting. I think a
lot of interesting things came up. Maybe more than we expected. But
VIPs let me know. Were you there yesterday? Which talks did you
enjoy? You guys are in the minority. today. I'm waiting for
our next speaker to come on. And I'm just going to send a quick
message, but I'd love to hear in the chat.
Where were you guys attended yesterday? Which talks did you
watch?
Which talks did you watch? And where did you? Where did you come?
You know what? What did you What did you benefit from? Right? What
did you benefit from actually the brother is saying that he's trying
to get in, but it's not approving him for some reason. So just bear
with me sometimes we got these tech things I got to deal with.
All right, so tell me guys which ones were your favorites? Talk to
me.
Okay, trying to get this over to the brother in sha Allah, sorry
about this guys.
Right. So let me see what these comments are.
Okay.
So
yes, she said, said that was handled very beneficial. So the
solace for reverse was great, yes, it was a fantastic service,
mashallah that we learned about, and Maryam Lemuel. And Zaha was
really good. Very, very beneficial. Why do you say that?
That wasn't was really good CES? What did you particularly take out
or take from that one? What was it that stood out for you?
It was it like I said, it was you have to think is it's so deep into
the live stream, that I think most people wouldn't even see it until
we release it as a standalone video. But I mean, it's worth it's
worth scrolling. In fact, I will put chapters on the add chapters
to the live stream so that people can jump. But I'd love to know
what you guys thought. Which ones were particularly beneficial and
why why did you like the one for?
Yes, I thought that that Yes. Sister said they gave solutions on
how to change and make and you know, and gave realistic changes
that we can make? Yes, I thought that that was really, really
helpful.
And it was, it was it was great to actually have you know, somebody
come on the channel maybe who's not who's not been, who has not
been watching, right, who is not familiar with the content and not
familiar to
You know, our not familiar with with, you know, the types of
conversations that we've been having and for them to come in and
almost in real time we have a conversation that we've been
having on our channel, but it was their first time hearing it
mashallah, so that was that was that was quite valuable actually
because like I said, a lot of the time we have people who are
already familiar with the conversation who have been part of
the conversation but this was someone's first time hearing it's
particularly that you know that kind of boss babe energy and kind
of going into the marriage space with the boss babe energy, and
kind of how that's perceived. And I think that there, there will be
some people who really need to hear that.
Yes, also the different ways that women can be feminine and soft,
masculine and strong yet how to tone it down when at home. Yes, I
think it's very, very interesting. And I needed Mashallah. So, my I'm
just gonna go with the YouTube comments and see how people are
doing there. One YouTube watcher says that was interesting would be
an understatement. Yes, I agree. This sister Stephanie says that
the third, second and fourth speeches were her favorite. I
don't know which ones those were. But I'm glad that you had
favorites. Sisters corner was great. Some people love the
sisters corner ladies. And some people were uncomfortable with the
sisters corner ladies. And that's okay. You know, not everyone's
going to be your cup of tea. And not everybody's delivery is going
to be your cup of tea either. And I think what the challenge is for
us is to come to the spaces ready to hear something beneficial,
right? Ready to hear something beneficial, and not everything
will apply to you. Not everyone will speak in a way that lands
well with you. Right. And yesterday, we had a real mix of
speakers that divided the audience, especially on YouTube,
right? They really did divide the audience, there were some who
were, you know, really gravitating towards certain speakers and
others who were like, I don't even know why this person is speaking.
And vice versa. There were other panels that people loved, and
others were like, I'm not feeling this. And that's okay. You know,
not everyone will be your cup of tea. Not everyone's style will be
your cup of tea either. The question is,
are they speaking from the Quran and Sunnah? Are they giving you
something that's helpful? Are they giving you a perspective or
knowledge that's helpful?
And can you make use of it? Really, you know, and if it's
based upon the truth, and it's going to help you then take it
right, whoever it's coming from, or however they're delivering it.
We try to take our emotions out of it as much as possible. And I'm
rambling on here because I don't know what what the issue is with
our speaker. He seems to not be coming.
Not being able to get in and I'm not sure why. So bear with us.
Insha Allah says this is just so great, extremely beneficial.
And she'd love to some somebody else said I'd love to hear more
about how to raise feminine young girls and this is a conversation
that is a topic that I covered in my podcast with Daniel hacking Chu
and on pilot. We talked about that to a certain extent, but I'm
Khalid insha Allah will be joining us later so we can ask her that
question because I think that she has the traditional wife school.
So she'll be able to maybe give us some pointers on that.
More than that solace was great.
Yes, and we had some subscribers who were surprised by some of the
speakers and maybe didn't expect them to to bring what they brought
mashallah so it's always nice to have our minds expanded a bit
right let me see what is happening with our coach now the
let me send them a quick message guys.
Right.
So let's get some more my VIPs are so quiet this this year is so it's
quite uncanny. So let me hear from the others because I know that you
guys were there recognize you from yesterday. So what were your
takeaways which talks particularly spoke to you I know some of you
were very active in the chat. So what were your takeaways what were
your favorite? Your favorite moments?
Yeah, what did you get from yesterday in sha Allah
let me know but evening law
just joining Yes, Mashallah.
Oh Subhan Allah 3am Where you are surprised that you've only missed
one talk today.
You've only missed one talk today so no problem. So for cancer that
today's talk by Khadija was very good, yes, I agree. It was very,
very good. Mashallah.
So Alhamdulillah I hope people can inshallah benefit from that and go
back and
go back and be able to watch that. Let's see, what else have we got?
Yes, it's important information, the only so the sacrifice is worth
it. Yep. It's true. SubhanAllah.
And, yeah, it's, it's it's about changing mindsets, isn't it at the
end of the day,
definitely about changing mindsets and helping people to have a
healthier mindset. You know, so that so that our marriages are
based on the right thing, and so that our marriages can last
inshallah so they can stand stand a chance? Oh
yeah, I've got
you know, Google Calendar,
there is a,
they've got this weird thing that they do, which is.
And they've got this weird thing that they do that if you use
Google Calendar, to invite people, it doesn't matter what you're
inviting them to, it sends you a Google meet link. So people will
see what people think that you're going to be on Google meats, even
if there's another link in there. So I think that's what's happened.
Okay, so Insha Allah, he'll be joining now, the evening Allah.
And our first talk
is going to be
from Cocina de, who is going to be signing on now in Sharla. And he's
going to be speaking about, well, the title of his talk is, Bro, are
you really ready for a second wife?
So hopefully, that's gonna be that's gonna be able to, you know,
give us some food for thought in sha Allah says says, yeah, having
honest conversations with my 1110 year old, and I can already see
the influence of feminism, despite me being more traditional, and
pushing more traditional values. So I gotta up my influence and
work. Yep. Yeah, that happens. It does happen. It's so insidious
guys. It's so it's so much more powerful than you think. And it's
so insidious, like it's coming in from like, the children's
programming. That's how, that's how it starts.
That's how early it starts. So yeah, definitely having those
conversations and kind of, you know, like what sister Miriam said
at the end of the night
immunizing your children against the influence, you know, giving
them the giving them the tools that they need to be able to smell
it out. My girls can smell it out now they they're so bored of me
mentioning it, but they can smell it out there because our that's
that that feminist thing okay hamdulillah
right, mashallah cushion of the ears here and hamdulillah so
Bismillah let's bring him in
so inshallah we got some comments here the first session of doing
everything for the sake of Allah was great. Fantastic. I love
yesterday's sessions learn so much from sister Miriam and the other
sisters wonderful sisters corner was great and enlightening. The
brothers was great. And also impressed
with the activities of solace. Yes, very, very impressive. And By
Allah's grace, they've been able to to go for so long as well
mashallah, you know, it's a long running organization. So and
hamdulillah Dr. Salah has at one o'clock guys one o'clock UK time.
We've had a few issues with
with our programming this time because we have so many people, so
many speakers, so many topics, literally, it's packed from now
until you know 10pm We basically have talks back to back and now we
have to stop nattering and I have to let coach know do come and and
do his thing occasionally Are you okay to come on video
oh
no, you have like a multi system situation set up there so my
apologies the mix up with the links panela.
This
video
Come on Zoom
sounds
smaller. Can you hear me says, I can hear you, but we can't see.
Oh, I'm having a great time. This is amazing. Nevertheless is the
matrix is the matrix. They got Andrew Tate, now they're coming
off to you. That's all
out there. Now right now at least. Alright, give me two seconds. I'm
gonna go to my camera maybe just restarted and start there one
second. This minute no worries.
Okay, more nattering, let's see, tell me more guys, tell me more of
your takeaways yesterday in sha Allah, love to hear what you took
from things and you know what you'll be sharing with other
people as well and what you'll be implementing? I think definitely,
I believe that there's definitely a need for mashallah, like we did
yesterday,
orienting some of these conversations to parents,
parents, obviously, for themselves, but also for the
children. And even for me, more importantly, for the children, to
understand ourselves, how we're showing up, etc, in order to be
able to guide our children better in order to be able to show our
children a better example. In order to prepare them better.
That's the hope really, for the next generation is parents who are
more self aware, parents who are, you know, more intentional, and
parents who act who understand their role, and especially the new
role that parents have. And I'd like to make this point, right,
that once upon a time,
the village raise the child, okay. parents knew what they were doing.
They did what their parents did, and what their grandparents did,
they pretty much did what their parents did. And then the rest of
it was done by the village, because the village confirmed what
the parents were teaching. societies were homogenous. People
knew each other, you know, if in your house your children called
adults, Uncle and Auntie like in my culture, everybody else, also
called adults, Uncle and Auntie, right, pretty much and all the
adults knew that. And all the children knew that, and it was a
socially enforced norm. In Africa, for example, respect for elders is
a socially enforced norm, as I'm sure it is elsewhere. So parents
did not have to work overtime, explaining why breaking down the
proofs and the rationale behind it, it was just that what you do,
you notice now with this generation, because of migration,
because of globalization, and just because societies have become so
much less, you know, so much less homogenous than they were before.
And because society's norms have changed so drastically since the
1960s. Society does not confirm what you're doing as a parent
anymore. Society does not back up what you're doing as a parent
anymore. In fact, society often teachers, the opposite of what you
and many other more traditional families are doing in their homes,
and they could be Muslim, Christian, Jew, Buddhist, Sikh, or
just cultural right? The the more the postmodern culture, and
certainly the popular culture is the opposite of what most
traditional families are, you know, have always done right. So,
as a result, our parenting has to evolve. We can't do what our
parents did. My parents never explained stuff to me, I bet yours
didn't either. They just told you that's how it is. That's what you
do. And you knew that that was true, because everybody else that
you knew did the same thing, especially if they were from your
cultural group, right? Those of you who grew up in the UK, or in
the US, as you know, from children of immigrants, you probably
noticed that your, you know, English or American peers,
operated slightly differently. I mean, it's a long running joke,
right? Even in African American families, it's a long running joke
that the type of behavior that is allowed in their home, versus the
type of behavior that's allowed, like in their white counterparts
home very, very different, right? So our generation Gen X, we would
have been the first to experience that. And our parents had no clue.
Right? Our parents did not know that they had to, that they had to
explain things more, you know that and break it down and make it make
sense and all of that stuff. They didn't know that. So they didn't
do it a lot of the time. They just expected you to follow along,
because that's what kids do. This we know better. Because we know
the difficulty that we had navigating between two cultures,
and society has gotten worse has become more permissive, more
degenerate, more all of the things. So we as parents have to
start to understand our role.
All our new role as parents in this paradigm and and start
learning how to do it and start doing it, because that's the only
thing that is going to inshallah give our children the tools to at
least understand why we do what we do and think critically and have a
lens have some kind of a lens in order to navigate the world out
there. So I've got some comments here. Yes And exactly and
consistent are ours as well. That was a really important point that
I took from yesterday, Masha, Allah says yes, talking back was a
no no for me, and she's become more flexible. She says it's
dangerous to raise kids who don't question and to think critically,
well, you can't in any more anyway. You can't raise kids who
don't question and think critically, because at school,
they are pushed to think critically and question
everything. So they're going to do that to you as well. You just need
to have the answers.
There we go. hamdulillah Sorry, sorry, La hawla wala Quwata illa
biLlah apologies for that. Let's get you unmuted. Insha Allah
Hamdulillah I was definitely see technical challenges. No, Maya, I
don't know what that was about. But hey, I'm gonna be here. You're
here now. Hamdulillah. So with that, I'm going to stop nattering
now in sha Allah and let you take the floor, please Inshallah, just
I mean, I think everybody is familiar with, you know, Coach
another year and his wives from the outstanding personal
relationships team. But you're going to be speaking to us today.
On the topic of bro. Are you really ready for a second wife?
Take it away. Take it away. Bismillah.
All right, again, for those of you whom I have not had the pleasure
of meeting just yet I'm posting out here. All right, and my wife.
My wife and I are the founders of outstanding personal relationships
where we focus on helping people to develop fulfilling
relationships, especially in the area of polygyny. Reason being it
does not get his fair airplay. All right. So I might be moving and
shifting some things and making sure
the dynamics here work a little better. Like let me move my seat
down a tad bit. All right. Now there's a few things. One, let's
just define some terms because we hear the word polygamy quite a
bit. Because polygamy is a general term that means a spouse is
married to multiple spouses. A spouse and married to multiple
spouses, as you can see, is genderless or that means the
specific terms
polygyny and polyandry polygyny, which is what we practice as
Muslims, for those who choose to practice it means a husband or a
man who has multiple wives. polyandry means a woman or a wife
who has multiple husbands and they are exclusive to that whiteboard
that husband, of course, we're talking about polygyny. Now,
here's the here's the challenge.
The main challenge is introspection. So when we're
talking about, you know, are you ready for a second wife? You know,
that's a serious question. Now, here's the thing. When I asked you
that that's not coming from somewhere, flip it or being
sarcastic. It can absolutely be that way. Depending on where it's
coming from, like, mainly your mother or your wife or somebody
like that saying it in jest. I'm gonna say what's real. And I'm
going to share with you 100% what it's about. Now, I was married to
my I am married, I should say to my first wife list. And I say
first loosely because we use the word initial way. I initially very
when I was 19 years old and been made a COAs fats, and we're now a
little over 27 years. Okay, I was practicing monogamy for the first
15 years. And then I married coach Nylund. Alright, and I've been
practicing polygyny now over a dozen years, and the reason I want
to share that with you is because now we can talk about it. Now we
got over some homestead and we were helping people who were
pretty reluctant. Once we got to a good space again key once we got
to a good space to kind of really share because you have to wait all
the extra stuff that comes along with it. But I remember
hamdulillah the Prophet he said to Islam said Allah Allah was the one
who has the benefits of the most people. And I suggest that we
should all be greedy. We should be greedy in the terms of getting as
many blessings as possible. Because it's not about the amount
it's about the weight. Our deeds will be weighed. So it's not
again, the amount deeds like feathers aren't the same, like
money. So we need to get as much as possible and I suggest you be
greedy and the respect of getting bought up. Now, introspection
before it comes time for practicing polygyny, we have to
get to this bar you're really ready. Alright, what is your
report card? Many of us don't get direction or guidance after we
graduate school whether it's a high school or college university,
someone else's put in agenda, a curriculum a semester grading
quizzes, all this stuff in life.
What are we doing that for ourselves?
Now there are two main things that Muslims know all across the board
when it comes to FIP. That is required when it comes to religion
as being just alright. And of course, if something requires
justice or being equitable, if you will, then there must be some
measurement. So what I call those are the measurables. And it's
basically two things, their time and his money. Both of these can
be tracked relatively easy now, today, we're absolutely right. So
time and money is the easy thing. Now, here's the challenge. That's
not the main issue we have when it comes to practicing polygyny well,
and doing it successfully, it's the intangibles, the things you
can't see. Now, first, I'm gonna let you know something. I'm
talking to the men.
You were addressed specifically in the Quran, when it comes to
religion, you as men, meaning marry two, three, or four.
And if you fear, you are not able to be just then only one. And
we'll stop there according to the deviation of if, but you were
addressed. Today, we live in a society that is making many things
including masculinity. gynocentric so it comes from a more feminized
version of wanting to make a man a woman, I'm gonna stand on that men
are not women, and we are not like the women. So many of the
comparisons are tit for tat or is good for the goose is good for the
gander, don't apply here. Men are not simply women that have
penises. Yes, Eddie, and women are not men that have vaginas. That's
not how it works. We have very distinct roles and lots of other
knows who he created, and what he created and what's best. And we
believe a lot to Alice, Hakeem, and he is then Muslim clearly
means one who submits to Islam.
It is not the other way around. It's not something that we put on
our desires, or we put more limitations on things, or we think
we know what's more Islamic than Islam and what the prophet Lee
statue of Saddam did. And he showed as an example. So the very
first thing and I mentioned, five requisites, because my wife and I,
we put together a number of different programs and things
right one is the polygamy roadmap ebook, we have one for men, one
for women. And I talk about the five requisites for practicing
polygamy. So even before you practice it, because there are
dynamics that you will not understand or learn whatsoever
until you are in it. It's like riding a bike, I can explain it to
you all day, I can talk to you about balance, but until you get
on it in take your time trying to adjust, it may take you a while it
may take you longer, it may take you a little less time. But
explaining it and knowing the rules is not very helpful when it
comes to practicality or understanding the different areas
that are required to succeed. So for example,
one of them is leadership. One of them is leadership, you are not
just simply responsible for you. Now, I have something called a
shared marital identity I share with brothers when you are married
to monogamy is you should wife
now here's the thing we have to understand when we join together
in marriage, we don't simply form one person. Oh, not at all. I know
other religions. Another religion God used to be Christian, you say,
you know, the to become one not that we don't believe that. It's
no, no, no, you're still your own individual and everything else.
However, now you have the shared marital identity as a husband. And
as a wife. That doesn't mean you just left behind things that you
liked before you may have compromised or changed or grown up
and matured. But that doesn't mean you still don't have your own
individuality are very important to understand. Now, here's the
challenge. I'm gonna say here's the challenge a lot, because it's
tough. It's challenging. And there are many dimensions to it. So when
it comes to leadership, are you leading yourself? What are your
measurables looking like? Because that's the first thing if you are
going to practice polygyny, then you have to be transparent be an
open book when it comes to the your time and your money. What's
your plan for the time, which doesn't really matter until the
decision has already been made to begin practicing, but it wasn't
what is your money looking like? Because we know that we're
commanded to provide for your wife provide for your family. If you're
rich like a rich man, don't be miserly.
Or be generous. Or if you're poor,
like a poor man. Don't be extravagant go beyond your means.
So what does that look like for you? See these different people
say, you know, how much money do I need? It's not the necessarily the
amount that you need. It's that you have to have you need to be
Fiscally Fit. You have to be Fiscally Fit when you're looking
at taking care of multiple families. Now, here's the other
part.
When I say that Allah to Allah talks to you, you have to be the
one to make decision. Are you the one to make that decision as the
man you are the Imam of the family.
Many people do not discuss it, men or women until after it has
happened or now it's in the face. This is we need to be educating
our children on this wide awake because it's simply a form of
marriage. It's an ancient for marriage that has many modern
solutions.
Now that's either would not have allowed it and regulated matter of
fact, political is
already around before it's done, but it's not came in regulated and
put rules to this thing for our benefits.
So now it's a restriction to four.
But how are you looking financially?
If something happens to you right now? Is your family going to have
to go and set up a GoFundMe page or launch good campaign? What do
you have to do? Do you have systems in place that benefit your
family finances? Do you have passive income?
You know what happened during COVID? Did everything get shut
down and you lose your income? You have some investment income, what
is it looking like? So if you're not studying money, which these
two things Islam and money, I want to impact you and affect you more
than most other things, your entire life. Because if you go
with Islam, if you have a good foundation with Islam is not going
to oppress. You don't have to really worry about your behavior
because you fear Allah azza wa jal foundation is clearly your deen
and understanding money you know how to deal with it. You want to
use it as baraka and your blessing. You want to do all kinds
of things because we know that we are travelers and that we have an
expiration date. There's a date to checkout so what what are you
doing with your money if you're not studying money, if you're not
studying how it works, and really not even money, but currency in
particular, then some of the things I'll give you because we're
not be able to handle this in just a short hours of time is Rich Dad
Poor Dad Cashflow Quadrant, or one of the best things you could do
right now is go to Mike Maloney's channel, go silver, and watch his
YouTube series called The Hidden Secrets of money.
That's the first step. Okay. The second one is that leadership
ability. Again, this all falls under it. Because as a leader, you
have to make sure these things are in place. If you want someone to
follow you and support you need a plan. When they say the old adage
that the person that fails to plan plans to fail, that's very true.
In the proper place that will allow let us know that a person
will be be on their Dini and practicing it right during the
deeds of the people in the Paradise so he gets a Bose link
from the paradise he will stop doing those deeds. Start doing the
deeds of the people of the Hellfire
die doing that and get Johanna get the hellfire.
On other hand, you have the person that their entire life will be
doing the deeds of the people of Jahannam of the Hellfire, they
will get the bows link for Paradise. Stop doing those deeds,
do the deeds of the people of paradise die doing those and get
Jana. So it's not how you start. It's how you finish.
So an intelligent person intelligent man, one who wants to
lead and be more than average being able to be just has to have
a plan in place. That's one of the reasons tomorrow. I mean, my wife
and I were doing it.
You know, it's another workshop, we're really getting things
together. But we want to make sure you have an outstanding person
relationships beginning with you. One financial, second is
leadership and I'm going to go through you have to have the
emotional
courage to have the difficult conversations. See, a lot of times
when I talk with brothers, they're like, you know, I don't want to
hurt my wife's feelings and this and they say, Oh, you're only
doing it for us. Listen, As a man you do not have to apologize or be
man shamed. There's no question that men have a stronger * drive
them women. Fine. There's no problem with that Allah to Allah
trader who he did, he provided outlets and outlets for us.
However, to think that our sexual energy or sexual drive is only
simply to procreate or for our personal pleasure that we be sadly
mistaken. Because this driver this energy in us, causes us to move
forward to build to count to have conquest, I have all kinds of
things. For example, there's a book called Thinking Grow Rich,
that needs to be your financial arsenal, but it teaches you a
whole lot more than just that. There's an entire chapter
dedicated to Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam on persistence,
and persistence. But there's also another chapter deals with sexual
transmutation. I believe it's chapter 11, where you can channel
utilize the same energy that we have to build, to grow
and to do things and get it done. So don't be shamed for that. i
There's no wrong reasons to practice religion is a wrong as an
oppression, in doing it wrong.
All right, again, that's where your foundation of his Deen comes
in. Making sure you're mentally mentally and emotionally strong is
very important. Because when it comes time to communicate, no, you
might not want to hurt your wife's feelings or you may feel that
because there's some type of pain that there's issue
some type of pain that then everything should go ahead and be
pulled back.
So if that's the case, because there's pain now we know that's
already let us know that in translation with difficulty comes
ease not after but with.
I'm talking to my son, he's doing a little bit behind the scenes, as
well. So part of that, but what is your report card is when it comes
to so looking at yourself gauging yourself, alright, what am I doing
mentally, emotionally? How what are my leadership skills, looking
like? How's my finances?
And what's my emotional fortitude looking like? Am I able
had this conversation now it's not all good. It means responsibility
for a woman is concerned about police, your husband practicing
it, anyone can initiate the conversation, that's actually a
sign of maturity. But if you think your husband or wife is the best
friend, you can have this conversation, you're not
approachable, they're probably not your best friend. Because
minimally, we should be able to be friendly with the person that we
are married to.
Now, I encourage all men to work to be qualified to marry more than
one wife, when I say work to be qualified. That means working on
yourself to be a strong man, because of course, a strong
believer is better than the weak believer, not only in the fact
that the man but also physically and in every other area of life,
where every man should be qualified. You know why? Because
we have a whole marriage crisis going on right now. That means
many women want to get married, that are unable to get married
many chaste women that are out there. And there are very few men
that had the leadership app to have the courage to do what's
right. See, sadly, there are many people that say, you know, it's
easy to cheat. If a man is talking about policing, he's talking about
stepping up taking advantage of a
whole lifestyle, and his lifestyle comes with a whole lot of
responsibility. For example, when I talk to you, I'm talking about
my wives, right? Well, the fact of the matter is, I'm responsible for
12 children, I have 10 biological children, woman wise, because
fastened I have seven cars now and I have three. And I have two bonus
children. Or some people call them stepchildren, I call the bonus
children. There are 12 now whose example of this department except
for salaam was a stepfather. He was a father, he breaks polygyny.
He's the best example in all of this.
And no, you don't need to consult your wife beforehand. But it's
best practice to the world we live in just for the last couple of 100
years political religion is no longer the norm. Now monogamy is
the norm. However, the challenge with monogamy, in general being
the norm is that now it looks as something as an ancient practice,
as though it has no practicality today. So it's common to be in
monogamy. And now you have escorts or prostitutes or you have jump
downs, bus down sugar daddies, and this whole lifestyle, that scene
is okay. And normal boyfriends girlfriends don't know who the
father the child is. It's okay. That we have reverted as a society
to savage practices. But when it comes to something noble, that
person is shamed. I don't know if that's backwards, is backwards. We
told that the path to Jannah
after Jabril looked at it, that whole path agenda is filled with
challenges, struggle, things that people do not want to go through
and there will be problems. All of that.
Yes. Perhaps this might be a part of that path.
Is it the number one thing that shaytan tries to do? The number
one thing that he loves his minions do I should say? Any
champions that is the breaking of I'm
gonna be posed this question to you.
How is it that he champions the breaking up of families?
But yet sometimes we as in Muslims in our entire community?
Shame practicing polygyny, which is the beginning of a new family.
Isn't that another way of breaking up? By stopping a family coming
together?
Yes, no. What do you think on it? See, because I know there's many
difference and you get the people who who try to shouldn't sooner
shame. Oh, just brother doesn't pray this and doesn't do these
extra subtle laughter. All kinds of stuff, right? All these other
stoners out there, but he won't he knows the sooner polygyny. And to
that I say so what I say so what?
So because the sooner polygyny, if you know about Islam, you know
that every morsel of food you put in your wise mouth, you get baraka
for every person, every child, you raise the three things that follow
you after you go, right we know solid majority of the money that
you spend that continues to benefit people, the knowledge that
you need that continues to benefit people and the children, righteous
children that pray for you benefits to me of a bigger sooner
than leaving righteous children that can benefit you after you're
gone. Remember, I said you'd be selfish, be greedy when it comes
to getting his BA.
But one way to do it, is to also make sure you're able to
communicate as a man, being able to articulate yourself, you don't
need excuses for polygyny, there's no need to down grade or dismiss
it as though Oh, okay, well, she's a widow, she's a divorcee, and so
on. So we're the only version of course, it's not Americas Asia or
the LA Han. And this is true.
However, to simply dismissed, all I had to mean in thinking that
they just were all lonely, holy people, is wrong. Let me give you
two examples.
There was a woman who proposed the promise of salary, she stood up in
a gathering.
And she offered herself 10 For him to marriage. Right. She offered
herself to him in marriage. What did he do you notice it? What do
you do? He looked at her up and down. He viewed her he physically
looked at he looked at her and he remained silent.
So much so that other companions that people have around started to
feel like okay, she offered herself and he's not saying
anything. Another companion jumped up and offered to marry her. And
then he helped facilitate that. But he looked at it. He might go,
okay, okay. Yeah, he looked at it, but everyone else widows. Alright,
let's talk about jewelry or Ariella. And how she raised.
She was raised under the leadership. She sat on go thrones,
right? Yes, she was a widow. She was married for a few months
before her husband went out to fight the Muslims got killed,
fighting against Muslims, right.
Her whole tried all of this stuff. They were taking his capris and I
shorted. Let us know that when she first saw her. She said she felt
jealous of her because she knew that she was a part of something
tight. She knew what the person liked. She knew right away, it was
jealous. And she let us know that. But what happened? See, sometimes
we get up in this mix. And we we forget that the public sector as
long as the best example he's a man was a citizen Angel. What did
he do when she came in? She tried to negotiate for tribe. He la
selected was Salone proposed to her in front of his wife said
y'all do better than I but I'm here you.
And I started our essay, she was the best product that's in her
whole entire time.
She was a widow for a few months. She was 20 years old, beautiful,
gorgeous woman.
We don't need different reasons to practice Lizzie and lots of other
put it in us. But he requires a responsibility to be there.
So are you able to handle the shots from family, friends,
relatives, people who like to go with the status quo, or they don't
understand the magnitude of blessings that come from people
that will rather cheat see what pro morals it doesn't matter if
you're practicing monogamy or polygyny, we want you to be more.
We want you to raise a nuclear family where there's no
explanation of somebody needing to know your pronoun. If you need to
know my pronoun, we don't need to be having a discussion I'll do.
So we need men as strong men and leaders and many women are
absolutely okay with their husband being weak and not being able to
be fair. We should dispel that stereotype and be qualified to
practice polygyny, even if that is not our intention, because it's
much easier to just be immoral. I don't care if you're talking about
politicians, or the Jesse Jackson's or the Bill Clinton's in
America, for example, or the photic Ramadan's or the Jimmy
Swaggart, so Derek Jackson's or whoever it may be out there that
preach one thing, but do another. Because the practice polygyny is
something that is honorable. And after you examine yourself for
time and money, and we're talking about communication and making
sure you're emotionally stable enough to handle it, because you
may be dealing with a roller coaster of emotions.
And we still owe the kids what nobody talks about the kids. Yeah,
absolutely. Talk about matter of fact, my wife a couple of days
ago, just interview two of our adult daughters who grew up mainly
in polygyny. You know, they were around. I have four daughters
first, followed by six sons, but they were already born when I
began practicing religion, you know, they were younger. So she
interviewed them, because the stereotype is, oh, the kids fall
apart. No, the kids are very resilient one. That's why children
need to be educated on these different forms of marriage, first
of all, but second of all, many, many times that's an excuse.
Because a child is going to be number one a mom's a superstar. I
mean, we teach this with outstanding Muslim parents, moms a
superstar that is a star. But mom's a superstar we notice about
the one who is the most deserving of your time is beating your
mother three times more than your father. Of course, property is up
soon.
So are you ready to deal with the drama?
Are you ready to cast a vision for your family? Are you ready to
leave without having to answer to anyone except for Allah? subhanaw
taala
all of these things should be answered honestly. Because many
times we are the easiest people to fall, we cheat ourselves. That's
why we designed this report cards want to know You know, what is
your personality type?
You know, what is your financial acumen?
How would you when it comes under stress, the athlete would have
traveled with you before or faster with you before?
You know, how was your dean because that's the most important
thing because minimally if there's not even love involved, you will
not be oppressive.
But of course, that love and that psyche that Sakeena that
tranquility comes from Allah subhanaw taala.
So it doesn't matter the reason you don't have to answer for that.
Always your lowly lustful desires. Okay, let's not be dismissive
either because listen, I'm married you
speaking as though your wife says something like, Oh, you just want
to make your own desires. I made you Are you saying I only marriage
from our desire to
as in sexual desires. Because women also marry for their desires
to because we're human, we suppose maybe your desires. It's not just
hey, I'm a man, that's a woman. So let's go ahead and get it. Let's
get hitched.
There's 20 People that live on my block that 20 minutes 20 women or
other side perfect, we got to figure it out. That's not really
how it works.
All right. So with that being said, I know that there are some
questions. I'm seeing some questions here. But again, to
share that with you, because my wife will also be doing some
things and there'll be on a panel later this evening, or this
morning, depending on where you are in the world. And you know,
definitely excited about that. But I can address some questions if
you'd like to their system that may be here on the screen, or you
can ask them.
And for those of you who want to know
where to find us, we're outstanding person relationships.
That's our handle is what has a website and whether it's to put it
in the roadmap or polygamy Bootcamp for those who are really
seriously want to start out, right. What a brilliant
masterclass where we go from A to Z, on a different level, we are
the founders of all of these programs, specifically dealing
with pleasure. So if you want I can go ahead and just address a
question, you see.
So there's a question system says
the system is anonymous, it says Any advice for wipers has been
taken a second but hasn't told her and uses work as well explained
his time away from home. The initial White is certain based on
patients found in patients that she has seen is never mentioned
wanting polygamy and being interested in it to the initial
wife. As it stands, he spends one night a week at the initial buys
house.
Yes, there's some advice. Matter of fact, I did an entire video.
Now to sum it up in 30 seconds won't do it justice. But it's
called I think it's called walk through the fire fire. It's on our
YouTube channel at outstanding person relationships. But
we come across this, unfortunately, quite often, there
have been people, maybe five, six years have several children and so
on, I have not told the wives about it. All right. And that's a
that's a sign that a person one is lacking the emotional maturity to
have the heart in difficult, challenging conversations.
Alright, that's very important. That's up in that the Wiley and
the woman needs to be protected against, especially coming into
polygamy. Now, I talked about best practices, because I got married
because you don't need permission and I got married and I let my
wife no afterwards, that's not the best way to go about it. Alright,
the challenges that arise with that is the loss of trust. There's
feelings of betrayal, though it's not necessarily betrayal. There
are different emotions that you could have taken care of by
demonstrating more courage and your conversation to begin with,
hence the emotional maturity. Now myself, for example, I was a
leader to take care of stuff with business no problem outside the
home, but at same time you don't want her to wise fit the wife's
feelings and stuff like that, you know, you're gonna eventually deal
with anyway, so I went inside to deal with it and just deal with
repercussions later. That was not a smart move. That was a bad move.
Okay, it's okay as in doing it, but it was not wise to do. So now
this person has to walk through the fire. They need to let it be
known. You have to man up because now you're practicing polygyny, it
must be done in a just fashion. Now the time you know that one
night a weekend initializer I don't know where he is the other
nights or what the job is. And maybe I missed that. But
yeah, he has to walk through the fire you have to be able to
emotionally you have to be able to emotionally communicate with
yourself down
that's the only that's what I see right there is this I know I came
a little late to this format and there was a mixup with the links
but please let me know what to do.
JazakAllah Colocasia No, that's amazing. And you know, mashallah
the appreciation in the YouTube is a lot Masha Allah just I cannot
fail. And kudos to you for you know, you and your family. I have
always as you know, the ultimate utmost respect for the work that
you guys do. Because, as you say, it is another form of marriage.
It's an acceptable form of marriage. It is a blessed form of
marriage. And I think you said this best in one of our podcast
conversations, which was, you know, and we've said this before,
monogamous marriages fail because people don't know what they're
doing. Right. And polygamous marriages or polygynous marriages
fail because people don't know what they're doing. Right. So it's
the individuals guys going back again, it is about you taking
responsibility, being accountable and doing the right thing and it's
not the context. It's not its monogamous situation or polygamous
situation, that means that it will fail or succeed. It's the
individuals involved right now, brother before you go, Inshallah,
before we hand over to coach Fatah my belief, Could I could I engage
you on a particular topic that has kind of blown up in the last
couple of days, which I think you may have a perspective to offer
on? Is that okay?
Of course, of course. Bismillah So, those of you who are following
on Instagram, maybe you saw the Fed and comm podcast and there's a
clip from that podcast that was that's kind of gone a bit viral,
where I was talking about the my my view that if you have to jump
through hoops
And, you know, do all of the things and tell a woman everything
that she wants to hear, in order for her to see you as a good
option, she probably is not the right woman for you. Because
you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of trying to please her
and cater to her and put her on this pedestal where, as long as
she's happy, everything is okay. Right. The point I made was that
society tells women that this is the ideal relationship, where the
man is working overtime to please you, making sure you're happy
making sure that you have everything you need, and all your
dreams and fantasies are fulfilled. Right. So first, first
before I go on to the bit that was contrary more controversial than
that. Let's see, do you agree or disagree with that?
With your perspective, or what I was saying what I was saying is
that that for me that that means that that woman is not for you.
Because I say I say to my sons, right? Okay, so why was case a
justifier from your perspective? And Sharla? Yeah, absolutely.
Listen, men are supposed to be leaders. Were supposed to be the
Quran, women are supposed to be the supporters. Are everything the
nurturing in the loving and the extra stuff and be your peace? All
right, not just a piece. All right. So we have to understand
the difference in that. And that starts with that attitude. There's
this privilege, or this entitlement that just because I am
I deserve that is not Islamic at all, whatsoever. You know, so just
it doesn't even matter. We talked about as long since we have this
whole science of it, everything else we know was watching and we
can we can compare it to these different things that things are
highly recommended. There's mobile and so on on my fruit, we can look
at these levels, right? And there are things that are tracked or
traced University demand, and they're things that are
unattractive. In one thing that is very unattractive, to women even
is a man that she could walk all over. She will test them yes, she
will try them. Right. When I heard this woman speak I forget who it
was but she said you know what?
She got turned on when her husband checked her because she knew she
was wrong. And he stood up they're like No, it's not gonna happen.
And she just said she just something inside of her mate just
felt much better to him to be submissive because she knew she
was hitting that boundary she said she overstepped you know what I'm
saying? Now an example from that from the Sunnah of the Prophet. He
said this is when the proper ways to Islam's crazy Khadija right now
Anna, again, this is another if he was crazy. One of his wives to his
favorite wife
thinks people knew that I should write a lot. And her was his
favorite. Hmm, very important, right? Second, he was praising his
wife IDs are one in 100. All right, who had passed in Asia
thought in very mistakenly that she was better than her. And a
part of the salam had to check her. We will call that today
checking Yeah, he got very upset where she hadn't seen him like
that before. He didn't doubt her and say what she wasn't. He just
said what Khadija was and what Allah Allah gave him through her,
which put her on such a high level, and that deep love was
there for him. So he had to check her so much. So she never did it
again. She never made that arrogant, she never put herself
above what the prophet they said or Salam said at that time. So for
some reason, women think that they are a perfect wife as a DJ, you
already love an hour and expect that treatment. That's not true
not today. It's not not the ball is not recording your favorite to
come with that attitude to begin with. That's also another reason I
let brothers know they shouldn't sign the no political or not even
the no collusion the calls, they really shouldn't put that because
you're coming into the marriage already capitulating
already letting or making a concession. And as a man, should
you want to do it, it doesn't prohibit you from doing it because
the shoddy is not gonna allow you to make something around us allow.
But if you already capitulated to, if you already coming in as a
concession, you're coming in with a weakness. Okay, instead be the
stronger person and discuss it, talk about it from both ends and
go from there. Sorry, just a little bit longer than
some assault on that. Why don't you Okay, so so so so that was the
first thing so great to have your perspective on that. Then the next
thing that I said was that society tells women that you know, a man's
job you see through the romance novels and movies and music and
everything. It's all about the woman's feelings and how she
feels. Now, I said, What's interesting is that in the deen,
it's the opposite. Now, the real was cut there. So everyone went
crazy, right? Because now the comments are literally jam packed
with women who are very upset, very triggered saying in Islam, it
goes both ways. She was trying to say that the woman should do all
the work, you know that the men don't have to do anything. What's
wrong with the man being nice to the woman you know, all of this
crazy stuff, but
my understanding is that
Obviously, the spouses are obliged to give each other their rights
and be good to each other. Right? The man is encouraged, obviously,
there's obligations that he has. And then he's encouraged to be to
be nice and sweet and kind and play and all of these things with
other Hadith. So we know the Sunnah of the Prophet SAW Selim.
But I don't know of a hadith or an ayah, from the Quran, that
guarantees a man, Jana, if his wife is happy with him, that his
wife is pleased with him. However, we have several that address women
that say, this is your award if your husband is pleased with you,
and my analysis is that
women are hard to please.
And you could be doing all of the things that Allah wants you to do,
and she could still not be pleased. So using a woman's
happiness as a criteria for a man getting into Jannah, it feels like
he's going to be fighting a losing battle. And that was my point,
actually, when I was saying that, you're just going to be running
off to her happiness. And she's going to continuously keep you
running on that treadmill, when that's not your job as a man. So
so. So firstly, have I do you think I've understood that
correctly? Yes. Do you think that that that is a fair thing to say?
So yes, you're both supposed to be good to each other. But when it
comes to pleasing and catering to, I think that women have a degree
higher when it comes to what Allah expects of them? I don't know. I
mean, am I wrong here? It's funny you mention that, because there
are many more, there are a number of different other examples as
well, when it comes to think about the Quran. And what men are told,
first of all, we know that men are going to the minimum amount of
wives are going to have in general,
right? We know about the Hallerin. Right? But when it comes to
looking at this, when you look at, it's my brother in law, and when
his father came through, and you saw a wife that was complaining
and everything else, he told him change his threshold and change
the doorstep, right? Yeah, these are small things. But Allah,
Allah, also this, you know, these women have this success and who
are obedient to their husbands. Of course, it goes with their
husbands being just, but it's absolutely an entirely different
thing. When you are the man, you're the shepherd of this entire
family of this OMA, and then your family, and it grows. But you're
not playing the primary role as the woman was still the man that
has to go and has been given this degree above you, if you were to
do these things, right. So when you put it in perspective,
simple, simple things being a person's piece,
washing your tongue, understanding the warning that came, if you know
that we have an open book test, and we do we have this program is
our life, right? It's called animism. It's an open book test,
in the worst thing you can do, and the worst thing that you can do
to fail the test, we know the answer as a woman, apart from the
setups, and I've said why the majority of women, or the majority
of the inhabitants of Johanna will be women?
And then you say, the I will be asking, why, like, what did they
do what's going on any talk about ungratefulness. wakefulness, then
describe what they say with their tongues, or using them as swords
against you, because that's their weapon, they can ungratefulness to
their husbands. Specifically, the hadith is specific. It doesn't
just say in gratitude, it's in gratitude to their husbands. Wow.
Absolutely. And using that tongue as a weapon against them in a
public setting. So I'm also mentioned that it can be a sound
man that can be led astray, as well. So Allah, Allah knows what
he created. The challenge is we live in such a gynocentric society
right now where it's all about the feelings, not the reality of the
thing or what our perception of something is, or maybe I can be
wrong. No, it's my feelings. Because he, we have less we are
equal emotionally. We just show them differently. process
differently as men were built for the battlefield we built to go to
war I can't I'm not be able to sit there and talk to my enemy while
he's wielding your weapon about you know, my feelings and how we
can handle this in other ways. Know, the type of diplomacy is
over. We need to protect our family we need to hunt we need to
do that sorry motion to take a backseat and we need to evaluate
things in a rational basis. Now sounds a lot black and white. It's
not so when I talked about emotional maturity earlier, you
have to know how to communicate and articulate yourself and your
feelings as a man that doesn't mean anytime there's a problem and
you have to sit down you have to take shorter you have to do you
have to get all of the information is that as much as you can and
your best ability being objective and talking to Allah to Allah and
making a decision on what's best for your family and your vision.
Because ultimately, every one of your relationships except the one
with Allah subhanaw taala is going to end tragically
is going to end tragically. We are going to die.
You before me maybe for you. We consider that a tragedy. But that
does not have
To be the end of that relationship into this earthly relationship,
yes, no doubt. But every one of the relationships that we foster
is over
until that day, and if we understand that we're on that
mission, we're we're just floating through space. And we think about
100 200 500 years ago, a woman was just complaining about this not
doing that her man had needs maybe today speaking surgeon, maybe had
all kinds of things going on, right, had the ability to do it.
But he didn't want to hurt his wife's feelings. So somebody else
continued to suffer, he still has to answer for double. He still has
an ability to give it to him, but given to him by Allah subhanaw
taala. But did not Allah to Allah tell the Prophet salallahu alayhi
wa sallam in the Quran? Do this, you do this to please your wives.
This is explicit, there is no thing. That's more prayers that
says, You're doing this to please your wife is a prophet. He's a
human, you want to say why? And it was not about honey, it was not
about the honey thing that you can try to say it was about money.
It's about a different situation. Or at least from what I see,
often, authentically speaking, it was about what he had * with
Maori in one of his wives houses, and I believe it was
I forget which way
Oh, know, I wasn't. I forget the wife's name. But basically, yes,
*
with, you know, Lisa Thompson, with
one person who, again, the whole status of wife concubine gifts,
comes into play who had his only son that was born to him as a
prophet.
Okay.
In her house, he told us why don't say I actually don't know. She
went right to him, and then asked him, How did you know he?
He Jabril gives revelation to him, What do you need? How do I know
like, come on, so that Allah, but Allah to Allah revealed, and I am
regarding this, and of course, his guidance for all of us, but you're
doing something that's halau, don't make something haram for
you, that's allowed simply to please your wives, we have to be
very understanding of that brothers. So when I talk about
leadership, that's very important. So much so that the party will
still took 29 days and entire month away from all of his wives
during the time of the mission.
Right, they will get us off track rather easily, because we want to
please them, we want to demonstrate our love, we want to
feel valued need and all this kind of stuff. And then we can get back
into this little polka FIDE way of being soft. And then we started
having these concessions. And that works on your strength, or your
manhood or your courage. We're not you can't even have a conversation
without somebody throwing pots and pans and getting on your face and
all that kind of stuff. But you will man.
So we have to return to the mess linear properly is absolutely the
same person who was fierce in battle, who spoke directly with
brevity. But it's a man who cried and his tears were hit the ground,
his beard will be sold. So today, you get this thing with these
muscles, you get overly masculine, always want to fight and be strong
and shoulder muscles and pose and all this kind of stuff because you
got to be a man outfit. But when you understand the guy who came up
with the whole alpha term a few decades ago, he wrote a second
book to dispel it, because that's not how wolves actually act in
their back in the wild. But the term took off because we like to
believe it's this certain type of person. And then you have the
other ones who capitulate to stuff. And they want to sit on do
YouTube shorts, and oh, we can we can do this and all these feminine
little things. We can do this because most of them patches
closed, patching your clothes and sitting back getting soft and fat
and everything else is not from the sun. So anyway, it's having
that balance of being a man and being courageous, but not being
oppressive at the same time.
But you have the ability to oppress. Yeah, the ability which
of restraining. Okay, so this reminds me a little bit about,
Well, I haven't watched the whole thing, but Jordan Peterson talks
about a man having the capacity to be dangerous. And the strength of
a man being his ability to control that that danger. And as a man, if
you cannot be dangerous, it's like you're useless. Because it's like,
okay, well, you know, that means that when the situation arises,
you cannot defend you cannot protect you cannot make
boundaries. You can't take a stand. Would you agree with that?
They agree on the fact you've managed to properly set Islam when
you say that the strong man is not the one who can wrestle want to
ground but he's one who can control his anger. Hmm. I think
Jordan ripped it off the prophets. I said.
Dr. Peterson got it. Okay, so Okay, so just before we wrap up
the question, because we have a lot of sisters watching, and it's
from what I can see.
And we've been having this conversation, right? Women want
masculine men,
but can't deal with what a masculine man comes with. So they
asked for less masculine men, and then complain about what a less
masculine man comes with. Right? And I'm of the belief that ladies
like if you if you want a man who has
That's true for one. Yes, some of it, you're gonna love it. Like the
provision. Everybody loves it. We already did a poll on this channel
100%. Everybody wants a man to be able to take care of business,
everyone and no one is, no one is ashamed of that. Interestingly
enough, everyone's like, Yep, I want my man to take care of
everything, no problem. But understand that that ability to
take care of things and taking on that responsibility, it comes with
certain risks, more responsibilities, and also
privileges. Right. So what I'm seeing in in these comments,
obviously, I think that most of these girls have their ideas about
relationships. And I've taken their ideas about relationships
from Hollywood and songs and films and everything. And they are stuck
on this idea that the man and the woman are equal, and that we are
equal partners. And that is where the discomfort comes from, to even
imagine that your husband is over you. They can't they can't stand
it. And anytime you try and bring anything that says says you need
to work harder, you need to bring more value, you need to actually
make an effort, not just be in your awesomeness and magnificence,
but you actually have to work for this, you know, within this role.
It's like,
what what do you mean? You know, this whole thing about you? I am
the table, right? Which I still see people saying, right? Like,
how dare you ask them what I bring to the table? I am the table.
Sisters have this to this. And again, you use the word is the
entitlement, isn't it?
But okay, so the question was, for if you can help us understand,
from a man's point of view, what if your wife is submissive? And is
and guys, we did this exercise yesterday, remember how we broke
down the word obedient? And we looked at it from all these
different angles, agreeable, willing, able, cooperative, and
all of this, and people got very happy about that. So if your wife
is that, and she supports you, and she's loving, and she's, she's all
of the things, right?
Dare I ask, what does she get out of the relationship? Because
that's what everybody wants to know. So I'm going to do all this
stuff. Well, what about me? What about my needs? What does the
woman showing up in that, in that energy? What does that bring out
in a normal man?
That brings out the best in me, she'll get everything she wants.
That's the thing. That's the trade off. As a man I'm gonna have to go
deal with negativity and have to deal with the world anyway, I
don't care if it's business a job, I have to get out there and
demonstrate my value to be able to provide and protect and exert my
personal power.
So I don't want to come home, and I'll have to battle. Not as more
drama in my day continues to go on. But the only time I get
solitude is when I'm praying or when I'm away from home, hence,
you get the happy hour or people think you have to go step off into
other places that he called the old ball and chain or the Nag.
But the reason to do it, the what drives the man to do it again,
going into that sexual transmutation?
Is you being able to do that and demonstrate that men need to feel
needed
in order to perform Right, right, exactly. You know, even just the
way we're biologically made up is totally different, where women are
seduced by the ears and minutes to do this by their eyes. So it's not
an attractive trait for a man to be primping and getting off.
Shoot, as they say, right? That's an insult to a man. I talk to my
young sons and this handsome you say cubes the problem, they
already noticed that you're early age difference between the
feminine sound of that, but a woman that provides peace whenever
she wants. See, here's the thing, Allah Allah lets you know when
Quran lets the man nobody's gonna get agenda. He talks about his
beautiful spouses and all this stuff and how they look and all of
these things, right. But it doesn't tell the woman Exactly.
Doesn't tell the woman Exactly. And a lot of things that you say
you also say but not saying the wisdom is that women don't want
the same thing. It's hard to put on, you know what it is that a
woman may want. She wants so many different things and lots of Allah
is the creative or he knows this. In her needs and desires for stuff
are different than men's in general.
So she will get she if she's that type of woman, one that's a
special woman. That's a woman that deserves the above and beyond
treatment from a husband. That's not somebody who is entitled to
it. That's someone who has already demonstrated and being your peace
and being the peace men don't have a lot of peace today. That's why
we're having a discussion. Now men are finally stepping up by saying
you know, you've been lied to. You've been listening to Derek
Jackson and people were lying to you the whole time. You know, they
commit Zina, there's on this, or you know why? Because polygyny is
something that's noble. It's something that builds the legacy.
It's something that grows strong and everything else and we also
forget, in the early days of Islam, even just a couple of
centuries ago, you know, men is not restricted to only being
intimate with for women. All right before wives that's not the case.
because you forget all about the concubines.
Right? Your Lord knows what he created.
So let us be that champion of the heart and be able to bring that
peace. That right there is everything, what will she get
whatever she wants, and it won't be my manipulation. Or it's not
just transactional, I do this, then you do that. But somebody has
to start at first I have to wait on you. Well, if you're submissive
and you're leading, and you're supporting, alright, and you're
correcting with ni v, which you correctly that feminine fashion,
to help them understand when you look at the profit status. Now,
you look at one of the most challenging days you look at the
Chilean coup de Ville, right? The time all of the campaigns that we
know that we honor, disobey Him only time that we don't assume
that that happened, all of them. He didn't know what to do, he
could find it. And his wife
told her what to do.
piece. What did she What did he do what to do? After Gibreel first
came down, what did he do? What do you get advice from that piece,
and they said they only had one argument. And this is the perfect
time of year, especially for those who want to celebrate their
celebrations, that there was reportedly only one argument that
perfectly sets Trump ever have
a mother. And the argument was before prophethood. And it was
that she wanted to go visit her relatives during their holiday
season.
All right, well, they will be worshiping that now those are not
in, she'd be like, Oh, we just get her set aside, we're not gonna
work. And he disagreed. That was the only disagreement that they
had. That's it.
So even those before prophethood, maybe we should consider even if
we're not celebrating those things, to be around that. And as
a man, that's my decision to my family. And I feel that it's
better for his protection. I don't expect any type of blowback.
Because any type of blowback coming from the one is supposed to
be my friend supposed to be my lover supposed to be the one who
actually raised children shows me that there's some defiance there.
And I don't need any of that when I'm dealing with the outside. So
anyway, prayerfully, to answer the question, I think that's I think
that's a good that's, that's really a very, very, I like to
answer very helpful last question, because I know so many sisters
have had proposals to be second, third, fourth, whatever. And I
think the general idea or the general column in the community is
that a lot of those proposals are in bad faith. So let's not get
into the issue of is he doing it for his last so whatever, let's
let's leave that to the side. I think you already dealt with that.
But if you can tell us how can a sister know?
And let's, let's make some assumptions. This sister wants a
husband, she doesn't want a side piece. She doesn't want like, you
know, just like a fun friend or whatever. She would like her
husband. Ideally, that's, that's what she's going for. Right? How
can she tell that the man who is approaching her about being a
subsequent wife genuinely wants to marry her and build with her?
One by following the prophetic advice and making sure you have a
wildly over kill. Thank you, women, sadly, are some of the
easiest to manipulate. Now they can manipulate without
emotionally, like no other. But very easy to manipulate. Let me
just give you some facts in saying something about the bikini for
example, back in the 50s, was seen as something that was obscene. It
was crazy, not just Apple stuff, right? And it was it was created
by men. And we think of men, men want to see they want to look at
everything else. Just normal stuff, right? There's no, there's
a woman's out of being out. It was a big fuss about that. But then
when we're seeing it in this, it was getting pushed as some sexual
liberation, women need to be able to do whatever they want to do.
Not covering up like in France today. Oh, that's a problem. But
uncovering is pleasurable to me as a man who came up with this idea.
And you know, high heels, for example. They're great for your
feet and your posture and everything else. And they're very,
very comfortable, right? No, not at all. But still women do this,
even though man came up with that idea.
So very easy to manipulate in certain areas. All right. But with
that being said,
Man, I suppose what I was going to do is by the IRS, many times we
get sisters that that come to us in our community, and they're
like, Yo, you know, he said this and that and I'm not really sure.
And he's been like, Okay, what is your walk? You're saying, you
know, is he being proactive in what he's doing on his job as your
your representative, if you will?
Because good game recognize all game. Yeah, and even if you cannot
articulate it, it could just be something that hits you
instinctually because we had the ability to discern before we had
the ability to verbalize and speak in our brains that was developed
prior to.
So one Is he involved alright to you don't need to know. Well, what
you shouldn't be looking at is his track record. See, that's one
benefit someone has when they're looking at polygyny over monogamy.
Are you gonna roll the dice with somebody you don't know and look,
the fact of the matter is statistics are gonna say you're
most likely going to fail because over
81% of marriages fail in monogamy. Okay, so does that mean you throw
it out the window? You say no, let's work on each other because
those who work on each other in men in particular, I talk about
increasing your GQ, your growth quotient. Okay, so working on each
other matters. But
what's the track record individual? What's going on? You
know, what can you see from the outside? He's not really gonna
know, on the inside, you know, part of that marriage? Yeah. Yeah.
You know, what's been investigated? How's his
financials? You know, what it was looking like? What's the credit?
Like, you know, does the only property does he have any extra
money? Is it something that well, I'll come by once a week or do
this or that? Or is he somebody is going to be like the question that
was asked here that, you know, okay, well, he married me, but she
doesn't know about me. And you know, it's his job to tell her so
now we have a baby, and, okay, so, I want to I want to just jump in
there. Okay. So are you saying that for somebody who is
considering a proposal? Should she be expecting equal financial
support? Right off the bat?
She should be expecting that was yeah, of course. That's what's
required. Now she can negotiate outside of it. Alright, that's up
to her. Right and her walk you they can however, just like I
encourage men, don't go into it with concessions. Because then you
get coffee. Oh, you go with marriage with a concession of
never practicing polygyny. Now, she wouldn't bring it up where you
go back on your word when you evolved. You know, saying, but
still, you gave your word. Now, can you change your mind? We have
a right to that. Yes. But you know what, if you go with that
concession, and you try to hang it over your head, you know,
especially if you're single never been married, you just tried to
get married. You're not thinking about marrying two. What if a
woman is coming into polygyny? You know, Islam again, has those
measurables. Time and money.
So, okay, so, right, right, right. So then I'm assuming that you
don't, you do not, you would not advise sisters to go for kind of
the kind of conversations we've been having, making a deal. Maybe
just like, a few times a month, maybe just like a little bit of
like, change, you know, just like going well, it depends on
circumstances. Because now if you have somebody again, looking at
the goals, because if he wants to come in, he wants to have four
children, but let's say you have four children or two children
already and you 3536 years old, now we're looking okay, now, it's
considered geriatric pregnancy. This is more high risk, you know,
or, like, for example, if I'm gonna marry another wife, right, I
don't have plans to but I do have two spaces available. And there's
no wife say you're not married, but available.
But let's say I'm married. I'm not looking at. I don't want to have
any more children. I'm good. Yeah. So for me, it'd be someone that
already has children either grown or they take someone like that,
right? Versus, or somebody who's never been able to have children,
right? versus somebody that's like, look, I want to give me I
want to expand the family, I want to have more kids, I want to have
three kids, more kids, I want to have 10 or 12, then there's a
mismatch there. You know. So if you're that person, you have to
evaluate where you are, because all are not equal, or not equal.
So that's very important. So yeah, you can make concessions you can,
but if you're coming in from the RIP, or they're only approaching
you because they're expecting you to make the concessions, hmm,
that's a sign right there to demand is like, okay, because
that's predatory behavior. But that's the case with with I'm so
sorry, but certainly the temperature that I've taken, and
certainly what brothers have been very open about is that if a woman
has children, if she's been married before, they're not coming
in saying, I'm going to look after you like my first my first is my
first that's my family. This is something else so you feel that
that's predatory.
Don't feel think those are the women that are being targeted?
Hmm, they are was predatory. Oh, they are? They are because Oh,
look at this new shahada, for example. She doesn't know her
Deen. So we got it. There's new shadows. They shouldn't be made
for at least two years. They need to understand the dean. Yeah, we
talked about how to be desperate be taken advantage of and
everything else and not know another stuck. You know what I'm
saying? So that's what I mean by predatory behavior. Yeah. Now,
again, they can make concessions. So if you are coming and you have
children, you have these I think you can make a concession that's
not a problem. The challenge becomes when Now if somebody who's
unable to do it otherwise,
is now targeting and now they couldn't even practice religion
anyway. Unless you went ahead and help. Oh, yes, that's very common.
That's very, very common man will say, I want another wife usually
because they have needs that are not being fulfilled. I can't
afford it. But you have your own house and you already have like
your salary and everything. So like, is that cool with you? I
don't know why that's something that's great. No, that's something
that's transactional, like Okay, so we just marry for
companionship, and I get one day a week.
I mean, the alternative is like, Okay, what's the difference here
is zero to one. Is that really advantageous for something long
term? Are you going to be able to build love like that, as you build
a relationship with one more, you're coming in with a concession
that's not healthy for you either make yourself more attractive when
it comes to this piece?
and being mature, that's more attractive and taking care of your
business.
You know, I mean, but having that man Evolve is crucial. Because I
give an example my daughters. I'm just talking to five baby girls,
right? four daughters biologically, they want both his
daughter to have them already married. Alright, they want
monogamy and stuff like that. No problem. They wanted to clause up
in there. No problem. I've been asked a potential husband like,
you sure you want to put this in here? Because I've asked people
not to. They did. Okay, whatever. But we put in there such a way
that if you do want eventually, practically, you need to speak to
her. You only talk about it. I mean, yeah, so that that condition
is in. However, the other three polygyny, they will polygyny. They
want to either be a first wife or third or fourth, they don't want
to be the second because they want to make sure the man has already
handled that. When he's joined family tribe. Yeah, he's good. You
know, I'm saying, but they've never been in relationships.
Bringing any baggage. So the person that oh, you know, I don't
have the money. No, you don't qualify at all? No, no, no, no,
you know what I'm saying. So there's no concessions, not coming
into it with concession. But you have to evaluate and if you're in
your 40s, you late 30s, or something, this person wants them
children, and so on. And you're you're established over here with
certain, again, you can make the concession Islam allows for that
flexibility, which is beautiful. But understand, what is the vision
of the family in the marriage? It's not simply a sexual
companionship thing. Many can be. But is that something that's
healthy for you hoping for your children? Is that another bad
decision? I think I think I agree with you. I think what we've seen
and certainly my view on it is it's a short term solution. It's
not usually something that's done with a bigger vision. Now it could
be of course, it could be wrong, but I think that those unions are
made to fulfill a an immediate desire without a plan and a vision
for how this is eventually going to come together. Then they
typically end up being short term solutions, but we've taken to
Panama so much of your time, and I know that the missus in the wings
Mashallah. So we need to let her in but COVID-19 How can people
find you Inshallah,
thank you for an outstanding question relationships. And that's
the handle. That's the website, of course, polygamy. bootcamp.com. I
would encourage everybody, especially if you're interested in
learning the basics, get the polygamy ebook, which is the
polygamy roadmap.com or polygamy masterclass. If you really want a
deep dive
course that goes deep where the man or woman wives get together,
they do it as well, or they can find us tomorrow, where we're
doing a four hour workshop as well. So definitely appreciate
your sister, you know, Xochimilco higher for everyone paying
attention and if I say the wrong of course, that is absolutely for
myself extra forgiveness, please keep us in your new hours. And we
look forward to seeing more of this wonderful event that you put
on, just like a lot cooler here. So I'm on a coma rahmatullahi wa
barakaatuh I
love it. I think Coach Nyla is backstage salmon. ECOSYS so sorry,
we kept you waiting. We've had a late start today, as you know,
Starley come everyone I know that we haven't been able to, you know,
be involved in the chat in YouTube. But hey, that's what
happens. See, so I can says What's this fancy thing that you've got
going on here?
presentation I guess I should say that's nice. I love that. Okay, so
um, this okay, this is Coach Nyla. She was mentioned earlier by coach
Nazir. She is what do you worry she's other Mrs.
Mrs. Guys. So in sha Allah, Allah says, I'm going to let you go
right away. I'm just going to get off here my video, and I'm going
to record and then it is all down to you. And I will be paying
attention to the chat and everything if there any questions
that come through in shot.
Okay, sounds good.
All right. It's all like Gone Too late. But again to everybody. I'm
Coach Nyla Oh, one of the cofounders of outstanding personal
relationships, as well as co author of the book, last part
polygamy uncensored
has been recorded out there and a wonderful co wife, Coach Fatima,
who you guys will be seen later and sha Allah. So and you guys
just watched.
And this I'm going to get into the mindset or how our mindsets are
mutilating our marriage, this now if those are those who are
familiar with us, often in personal relationships. They do
know that we practice polygamy, or polygyny, which is a man being
married to multiple women. So but this training, this talk of this
presentation is not just about polygyny, this came in with a lot
of things that we had an outstanding personal
relationships. We just do a lot of focus on polygyny because it
doesn't get us proper AirPlay it doesn't get us number time in the
spotlight so to speak. Because it is so taboo so does like he will
feel that it's a
I'm just a taboo form of marriage. And we know that it is a form of
marriage, we know that is a form of mentorship a law allows, and
that the practice of law only was the law in practice and the
Companions practice on companions practice, because so it's just
because of a lot of,
honestly, a lot of societal inputs, that it gets really, this
really bad rap. And not just societal input. But sometimes just
because we don't have a lot out there that shows us how to do it,
right, so to speak, and Hamdulillah we decided to put our
faces out there after learning and growing and going through ups and
downs and challenges and types of things like that to try to, you
know, put our faces out there and in Teach others and let people
don't have practical ways of practicing validity. Awkward,
that's just a little piece a little bit and a little bit about
loom. I'm a mother of five biological children. Seven bonus
children. So it's 12 Children between us. And yeah, and I'm the
oldest of nine. So when it comes to what I'm going to talk about
here as far as mindset as far as being held accountable, and
holding yourself accountable is very, very important. And I'm so
used to it because of pretty much the position of my life, you know,
as far as being a
the oldest of nine and then um, I was a single mother like two times
around divorced and you know, all these different things in my life.
So this is not something that you can just be Oh yeah, well, you
haven't because of this or you are born this way or whatever. You can
learn how to
how to fix your mindset so to speak. And I'm gonna get into that
because there's a couple types of mindsets two types of mindset. And
I'm gonna get into that here
Oh, not all
right, here we go
know what, I don't think so. I'm just gonna just talk to you about
it. Because apparently
see, it
usually does.
Okay, there we go. Two mindsets. We operate on two types of vices,
we have a limited mindset and we have a growth mindset. And the
limited mindset is one that will kind of keep keep us stagnant, or
it'll allow us to just kind of decrease in our lives, the other
one is going to allow our mindset or it can actually improve
improve us the mindset of the growth mindset is going to allow
us to improve ourselves the the limited mindset, it will hinder
our progress. So we have these different mindsets where I call it
the mutilation mindset as well as the maturation mindset.
I'm not on my own slope so.
So I'm just gonna get this off of here. I'm gonna just talk to you
guys normally, and I'm just gonna go through and probably share my
screen with you because it'd be a lot easier to do so that's fine
says no worries.
Okay, so
like I stated before, I'm just gonna go through it because it is
exporting. So hopefully you guys can just just follow along with me
just listening to what I'd say, as shallow.
So
the two mindsets, we operate
in those two mindsets.
And in the in the mutilation, part of the mindset
is the doesn't mutilation part, right. The mutilation mindset has
to deal with scarcity. fear, lack
the solo strife, the competition, so this is I called it for the
four S's and in the mutilation, so a scarcity solo strife and suffer
a scarcity mentality, you have the fear and you have the lack. And
the solo you have like, Isn't no one but me. It's all about me, me,
me, nobody but me. And the stripe is more complex. And as constant
competition in the sucker is the victim. So when we get into that
you have
when it comes to scarcity, this can go whether you're in monogamy,
whether you're polygamy and polygamy, or polygyny. And the
interesting thing is, we hear that a lot when it comes to those who
are under who has been say that they're an American is like, a big
fear. And it's like, well, we don't have we as a we don't have
like, or he doesn't have, he doesn't have enough money. He
doesn't have enough time where he doesn't have this. So that
mentality can actually cause some strife in your marriage. Because
we go in on minding your marriage and what might be your marriage
really, what might in your marriage looks like?
Giving us really feel like probably off the screen, okay?
Let me let me change my video real quick guys.
Don't make sense.
Okay.
So
when it comes down to it,
you have this Meaning nobody but me mentality, that scarcity
mentality to and the nobody but me mentality means that it's only
about you, you know, it's only about your feelings. And I know a
lot of times people really don't like the way as I speak about
really holding ourselves accountable. I, of course, like I
stated before, to odors of mine, so I'm kind of that that that,
that mom figure to some of my my siblings, and I am the oldest, so
about mental is like, look, whatever happened in our lives,
that we of course, we're not in control of everything, you know,
100 got caught up a lot for a number of things, or how we
respond, how we react, those things we do is up to us, you
know, so we can have a very,
a very good life if we want to we have a very bad life. And we want
to we think about when it comes to
people who have experienced like death and you know, trauma and
drama. And for some reason, they still do very well in life. And we
have other people who may not have had as much trauma or trauma or
people who have had trauma drama and they're doing they're
depressed or they're they're not moving forward in they're arguing
and their marriages are failing and all these different things
like that. A lot of it has to do with our mindset, it has to do
with what type of mindset we have that we have. It's unlimited
mindset. That is never enough that it's only me and only my feelings
matter and I can grow and learn from other people is that, you
know, I'm always in constant competition. Talk about a lot of
that competition is, you know, competition is the thief of joy or
comparison is the thief of joy. So a lot of times, I'm not saying
that you you don't have to cook because there's some healthy
competition out there. You know, you can do that when you always
want to strive for better and you want to have better it's very
unhealthy when you try
To tear someone else down, it's like, okay, well, I want to be
better. So you can be, you know, you know, I'm the winner, so you
can be the loser type of thing. And then you have the supper, when
you have that victim mentality. It's like, well, I have no choice
in my life, I have no type of not just choice, but I have no control
over the things that are happening to me, you know. So it's not
always about something that's happening to you. Sometimes it's
are happening to us, we can be allowing these things to happen to
us. So we want to shift that over to a winning mindset. And what
does that look like? Well, it looks more like abundance, you
know, you have abundance, accountability, legacy and team.
That's the type of mindset and what I do and I kind of
put it as, let me show how I put it in the mindset of OT. So it's
an alternative mindset, even though it's AAA, lt
is abundance, accountability, legacy and team and with that
mindset, that growth and fulfillment is inevitable.
I just said I think it's setting up
camera stuff over here. It seemed like
we're supposed to set this up.
Okay.
So I want to get started, but it seems that he was setting some
setting some other cameras up.
Let me share something
Oh, there if you could if it's if that's possible, if you can enable
screen sharing for me.
sha Allah, there you go says.
Know.
Okay,
yes. Can you see? Yeah, we can see the list of folders.
Oh, no, that's nice. You see the screen right now? Where it should
have versus many winning mindset? No, no, it's a list of your
folders, your desktop.
Okay, well, I don't know why it's not sharing because I see the
other stuff. So let's stop sharing.
No worries sharing because apparently I see it. I see what
I'm supposed to be sharing. But for some reason, you don't see it.
Okay, no worries. So let's go. Let's keep going.
So, here's the thing. I'm going into mindset, I wishes to see it.
But for some reason, it's not acting, right. But that's some how
it happens sometimes. With this, I wish I was able to show you
better. But you have your I've have it where you have mindset.
And you have manipulation. And then I have a case study or some
case studies for you guys, and then also the next steps. So I got
into the mindset and then next is the manipulation part. And the
manipulation is usually when I utilize the word manipulation,
it's kind of like action, the action steps that you take for the
mindset. However, there's another way of course manipulation. And if
you guys have heard this, let me know of course, raise your hand or
put a thumbs up in the chat. Happy wife happy life that saying Happy
wife happy life. And that I really saw over the years over the time
that I've heard it, it's been like forever. That is that mentality
has been detrimental to many marriages.
And there's a number of beings that
there are women that do not care too much for me for saying stuff
like that.
15 minutes.
Oh, sorry.
So that is a very detrimental mentality. And I have to say that
and I have to say that as an accountability coach, because we
as women really have to hold ourselves accountable for what our
marriages are looking like. And I mean, no, we can't control our
husbands. We can't control what they do. And
He's different things like that. We can barely control our
children.
And sometimes we can't even control the things that we say we
looking at ourselves and say, Please don't say that. Please
don't say that. And then we'll say something like, Why did I say
that? So when it comes to control, you have to be really careful with
that book, being an accountability coach and holding myself
accountable, first and foremost, and being able to help others hold
themselves accountable. The thing is, is that that same Happy wife,
happy life doesn't allow us to hold ourselves accountable,
because it shows that our husbands are the ones that are responsible
for our happiness. No one else be responsible for our happiness, but
ourselves. And being able to hold ourselves accountable help will
really help us in our marriages get help, and having great
marriages, if you must drink some water.
So when it comes down to it, when we are
holding ourselves accountable for the things that we do, for the
things that are the choices that we make, our lives can be so much
better, our marriages can be so much better.
Coach Nyla your video and sound have gone?
lol make it easy. Today's a test. Today we are having real tech
challenges. Are you back? I'm back. Alright. So
yes, I'm actually having voice challenges today.
As well as take time challenges. However, when it comes to be that
holding each other accountable, holding ourselves accountable, as
I stated before, when it comes down to when we when we are
choosing people for our winning team, so to speak. I did a video
on that on our YouTube channel. is that are we choosing losers for
our winning team? We do have a choice.
I'll stay stating as a person who was a single mother.
And you have you people will say that? Well, I'm a single mother.
Now these people are looking at me as you know as to be a second
wife. And they look at it as it's
as it being a negative thing. You know, because they look at it as
hierarchy instead of as a timeline. The thing is, that we
can still have amazing marriages. It doesn't have to be just a
monogamy, we have amazing marriages and polygyny, regardless
of what your timeline looks like, but it gotta be what you choose,
you have to think about your choices. And I did see something
pop over, say we choose sometimes we choose the wrong people, which
is definitely true. It was like why are we choosing the wrong
people? It does say a lot about us. You know, so what does that
look like? When we're choosing? You know, even for our winning
team, we're choosing the people that are going to be the
hardest lesson, yes, you have to choose the people that are going
to be beneficial in your life be beneficial to the growth and the
legacy of your family. So and you are a part of that as well. So
those decisions, we have to hold ourselves accountable. Because
people can say, Oh, well, you know, my marriage has failed or my
marriage is in the dumps or husband i We're not connecting
these different things like that. And it's like why, you know, you
can't just blame it on one person. You know, it has to be it's a two
way street on a number of things. And we're going to get into a
little bit more, a little later of how to kind of change those
mindsets. Because the thing is, is that no, we cannot change another
person. But if we are ready, we're on the right track with the person
that we chose.
Even through challenges even when things are crazy.
We will be able to find our way back to the right path we'll be
able to find our way back to a great marriage and outstanding
marriage those type of things. And when it comes down to it, it's
it's knowing what each other knowing each other's likes and
dislikes and knowing what buttons to push and not to push type of
things. And sometimes because of those meant the mental
As I stated earlier, when I talked about the scarcity, the me me,
nobody me, the strife, where's kind of the competition that
anything you can do, I can do better, I can do better, I have
anything better than you, you know type of thing. The,
you know, built you want to tear people down in order to build
yourself up those type of things, or the victim or what did I call
it the victim or the sufferer mentality that, oh, I'm just you
know, woe is me type of thing. We don't hold ourselves accountable.
If we're in a we're stuck in those mentalities. And when we have
those type of mentalities, we are not moving forward in our
relationships, we're not moving forward in our lives, we're, and
I'm not going to say we're going to be stagnant, because you're
either growing or you're dying is one or the other, you know, so, if
you're not growing, you're dying, and your marriage would die as
well, if you're not growing. So sometimes, we may have to,
sometimes we may have to hold ourselves accountable. And
sometimes, I mean, all the time, we have to hold ourselves
accountable. But sometimes we have to
give ourselves the the Hard Talk, so to speak ourselves the Hard
Talk, we talk a lot about training a lot about having the hard
conversations with our spouses OPR. But sometimes we have to have
our have the hard conversation with ourselves. And sometimes
those conversations have to be you know,
about the choices that we made. And we may have to go back on
those choices that we made, because it was a wrong choice. You
know, we're not perfect, we do make mistakes. But the bad part
about making mistakes is not the making the mistake part, the bad
part is when you don't hold yourself accountable for making a
mistake, when you hold on to the mistake because you're so
stubborn, that you don't want to change the trajectory of it off.
And then next thing you know, you're in a downward spiral and
you're wondering why or you already know why but you don't
want to take responsibility for it and then you're blaming others.
So, we definitely want to be careful when it comes to those
things.
My notes back up,
but I want to get into a couple of case studies to one case study has
to do with what I call the loss of identity, because we tend to when
we get married, we tend to do a number of things in Kashmir does a
wonderful training on marital identity and individual identity
and different things as far as that and I take a lot from that
and when
when I made the choice to embrace my individual identity, so I can
improve and increase and have fulfillment and my marital
identity that's when a lot of things changed for me because
coming be an income your wife okay, that has been a different a
different dynamic than being you know, an only wife and monogamy
and my marriage and monogamy failed, but I cannot only look at
it is that it was you know, it failed because of the other person
also have to look at it as my choice and the person that I
married my choice in how things were going in my marriage was it
what a community was the communication there a number of
things. So, case in point, just really quick thing before I get
into the case study
for my first marriage, the communication started to dwindle
was almost non existent, I felt that I actually did the things
that you should do.
As far as trying to keep lines of communication open when things are
not ideal. So to speak.
I would write letters I was sent an email I will do post it notes
on the refrigerator or
the microwave or whatever the case may be, you know, when you give
last talk, we need to talk about certain things and that type of
thing, because I have a when it comes to hierarchy of values and
we also train on that to the hierarchy of values mine. I have
three, my top three is communication, respect, and trust,
you know, and the thing is, is that if our communication is not
good, I stopped trusting you and I stopped trusting you then I
stopped respecting you. So
Those type of things, but I know that because I know and I embrace
my individual identity, and I had to make the decision that this is
not going to be profitable, you know, this is not going to be
beneficial to the legacy and the long lasting, you know,
fulfillment of my life. It's just not. And I have children on top of
that, and I don't want to bring my children up until those things,
but this is what I mean, when it comes to the mindset of it all. So
I could easily have a Whoa, you know, the victim mentality and
stuck in state and just continue to play the blame game. And I
wouldn't have been able to be where I am today. I have a number
of clients who have to make different decisions. And some I
have to make the hard decisions because they say, Well, what does
that look like for me, I have to take control over my decisions to
decisions that, you know, I need to make to have winning, you know,
members and have a strong leader on my winning team.
So as I went in my brain, I went on to the support systems and
different things like that. I don't want to have this toggle to
on too long about different things, because
because of the, the information, and I actually do a training on
that in our women's polygamy masterclass. So it goes deeper
into that. But definitely the mindset of being able to have that
growth mindset is very important. And being able to, to understand
that you may have a coach not there said earlier in his
training, he was talking about concessions, but you also think
talking about, you know, change, you change your mind later you
grow a certain things happen. So, if you're in a limited mindset, if
you're in a mutilating mindset or mutilation mindset, your mindset
is very limited. And your limited mindset will mutilate your
marriage because it won't allow it to grow it construct, strangle it,
and you want to allow it to grow. So if you're not growing, your
marriage is not growing, and it's definitely not going to grow to
you. But if you are
in a growth mindset, it doesn't matter the challenges you will
find, you will find solutions, it will, solutions will come to you
because your mindset is consistently looking for
solutions. I had a number of people say to me, I've had I've
seen in in comments on the YouTube channel different things like,
well, coach, and I love things that you know, these are so easy,
or it's easier said than done. Or you have that mindset or you have
that you can say that because your income your wife or anything like
that, why a wife is a wife, as a wife, I don't look at like
hierarchy, or different things like that, I look at timeline. And
sometimes the timeline, depending on your mindset can cause you some
issues, because you will say Well, I came in so much later and I have
to play catch up, and I will never catch up. I'll never be this way.
And if you're thinking in that mindset, you know, then you want
it's just like I want to say it's Henry Ford said whether you can
when you think you can or you think you can't, you're right,
don't you think? You know things are bad is gonna be bad. If you
think it's gonna, you know, look up somehow it's gonna look up.
Not saying that everything's gonna be all sunshine and roses to the
kittens and unicorns. Because it's not is our mindset can help us
figure out how we are going to respond, how we're going to cope,
so to speak, how we're going to grow and learn from the
situations. I love that my co wife, she said, turn the losses
into lessons. Because if you're thinking about being on the losing
end, you don't learn the lesson, you don't move forward. So being
able to change that when things are going rough, for example. And
let's say I'm gonna give an example and polygyny. And we'll
also give an example in monogamy because I know everybody is that
you know, practicing polygyny, but I do want to want people to
understand that it doesn't matter. You know, marriage is a marriage.
So whether your marriage and polygyny, whether you're married
and polygyny, or whether you're married and monogamy. Marriages
can have its challenges. But
being able to have a growth mindset, and a mindset that's open
enough to say, You know what, how are we going to grow through this?
How are we going to get past this? How are we going to, you know,
learn from this is beneficial regardless of what marriage what
type of marriage it is.
So, in polygyny say that
I had a number of people say, Well, you know,
our marriage had, we were so good at first, everything was fine
before he got married to this other person, but he got married
again. Now I don't feel like the love is there, maybe I don't love
him anymore, or whatever the case may be. But we hear so much of
that part.
And a number of things come from
a number of things. It depends on how how it happened. But the thing
is, regardless of how it happened, we take it. And what we do with
it, is what's important. If we knew that we married a person, and
as I said before, when it comes to polygamy, and polygyny, I say
polygamy because, of course, it's the blanket term of it off. And
I'm so used to saying it now. But when it comes to polygyny, if
you know,
if your husband marries again, and it's just, it's like, okay, I
don't know how to deal with it, because you have this mental or
you have this society that says that, if a person is with someone
else, and he doesn't love you, or he loves you last, or whatever, he
you know, just as the new one, and that's the old, whatever type of
thing. And I'm going to state from
initial wives standpoint. And I can say that, because I've spoken
to a number of them,
and coached a number of them. And of course, I speak to my co wife a
lot. And I know that there are different things that
initial wives can go through with their fillings, and, you know, the
mindset in a different name, especially because of what we are
used to. And I remember my co wife stating, she said, how things
changed for me because I change because I grew because I decided,
that's the mindset, that's the growth mindset I'm talking about,
we decide that we want to stay in and wallow in self pity, if we
want to look at things in a negative perspective. Or if we
want to say, You know what, let me understand that in polygyny, my
marriage is still my marriage can no one come in and destroy
anything that they had no part of. So when a man marries again, he's
not bringing another wife into your marriage. You know, and I
know a lot of times we put the sharing, you know, the husband
thing out there, and I'm going to actually try to change that
mindset as well. Because your husband is not a proper piece of
property. Technically, you're not actually sharing him. He's
actually sharing his time, you know, of, you know, with other
people. And the thing is, he's not, you're not sharing him, you
still have your marriage. So you're not sharing your marriage
with him. So you're not sharing him with anybody, he just happened
to Mary's being married to someone else. And so she has her marriage,
you have yours, your focus is on your marriage, regardless of what
that time looks like. Because even if he didn't marry again, and he
got another job, or his mother became sick, or anything like
that, that was still take that time away. It's the mindset of it
all. So my thing is that we can really change our mindset, we can
shift our mindset, and to having things look bleak and negative, or
we can change it and have it look promising.
Where we can sit there and say, how do we build this? How do we,
you know, grow? And that comes with heavy communication with your
spouse, and having that mindset that my marriage is my marriage
can no one take the place of that? Can no one replace that can no one
come in and disrupt that? Only I can or we can you know, my husband
and I? And sometimes people will say, Well, he did because he
married again, you I changed that mindset to because he he did
something that was was allowable for him. And that in itself should
not be looked at as something that's going to be detrimental to
your marriage. Now, there may be different ways in which certain
things may have happened that could have caused some distrust or
mistrust or certain things like that. However,
we still have to say, you know, what did it look like before? Why
did I marry this this person? How are we doing? You know, how are we
doing before he married and before this mission or anything? Because
I can go into monogamy to say, Well, if there was some mistrust
that happened along and monogamy and a wife is filling up
Way, and I'm talking just to the watch, because it can go vice
versa, as well. But stadium is and I'm saying stadium, so much should
have wives because we are not only our husbands have heavy emotions
too, but the way we deal with it is so totally different than the
way they do with it. And they're more logical with how they deal
with things than we are. And so when I talk about mindset, when I
talk about things, these are very logical things, and they help and
they work, you know, when we really look at things in a way
where I have some type of control over how it's going to affect me,
or in fact, is going to affect or infect my marriage. So being able
to have that conversation, and they will, what are we going to
do? How are how is it going to look for us, and I go really deep
in women's polygamy masterclass about different things as far as
agreements, having a marriage mission statement, having a
progressive plan of action, which these are things that you'll be
able to do on your own, and then you sit with your husband and you
build it together. And when you build that together, that is your
mission statement. That is your progressive plan, you know, for
growth in your marriage. And it should always be about a growth
mindset. Now, we may fall, you know, into the trap of, you know,
into the limiting mindset again, because your fear comes up and
weak is okay, to have the fear. Because that's natural, that's
normal, that's a thing. However, courage is not the absence of
fear, it's still pushing on outside of that fear. You know, so
being able to do those things and have that mindset that, you know,
I want to be courageous, you know, we're gonna have a courageous
communication with my husband. And it may not always be, you know,
the happiest moments, because sometimes we have to, you know,
grow through the, the challenge, in order to get to success, we
have to do the work for, you know, we have to success, we can't just
let everything just think that everything is just gonna fall in
its place. You know, so having that, that that strong mindset
having mindset that, you know, there's an abundance, you know,
there's abundance of love. Because I know, that's the thing too, it's
like what you know,
you know, how can he love this person and that person in this
type of thing like that this is probably gonna be awkward and
polygyny. But there's an abundance, you have an abundance
of love. You know, we all have this abundance of love. Men and
women are not the same. So that's another thing too, that mindset of
seeking first to understand and then be understood, saying that,
you know, what I want to understand, you know, try to
understand his plight, but I also understand that we are just
different people, we are different. So the way in the
reason that I can move forward on a number of different things, I
mean, I can talk about a lot of different challenges that I had a
lot of different challenges I had in my first marriage and monogamy
a lot of challenges that I had in, you know, in polygyny at the
beginning, and it wasn't until I shifted my mindset. It wasn't
until I learned about a number of different things.
With my with changing my mindset and shifting it and learning more
about me that things have gotten better. So that's the thing. One
of the case studies. I'm happy where it was a woman who used to
really love color, Sophia, because I don't want to change the name.
She really, she used to be a fitness instructor. She loved to
work, Oh, does she go to make meals, and all these other things,
and then she
became, she got married, and just let life kind of happen, so to
speak. So it wasn't intentional, so to speak with how she was
moving about her life. And those who know that when you get married
things change, you know, you have a marital identity you become a
mother things change you become mommy and why but did you forget
who you are you forget your identity. And it's important to
remember that identity, but it started to infect our marriage
where she didn't work out as much to kind of let herself go and a
lot of things were just a complaint but she felt into a
depression because she her husband, fussed about how she is
not like how she used to be. She used to have this bigger and he's
different things and the intimacy was kind of lost after a while.
But after some coaching sessions, she was able to get herself back
because she just realized she forgot her personal identity, her
own individual identity. And that she felt victim she felt like all
this stuff was happening to her she she couldn't
Don't do anything else because she's a mom. And she's, she's, you
know, alive and got to the point where we created a plan for her to
still have her time and, you know, gain that individuality back. And
that helped her marriage. So beautiful thing. And that, you
know, we really want to hold on to our individual identity, but not
hold on to it to it so much that is being detrimental to our
marriage, because we are still, you know, why don't we still have
that marital identity, but not, we have to realize that we're
multifaceted, you know, so we still have to have our own our own
likes and dislikes those things like
just getting our own hobbies, and, and then we can incorporate those
things into our marital identity, learning more about our spouse and
our spouses learning more about us, you know, so Inshallah, you
guys got some really good information from this, I do want
to give you guys a really good challenge. The challenge is a
bird's eye view challenge. So the bird's eye view is that you look
at your life kind of an a bird's eye view, because sometimes we're
so stuck in we're so in it, we're so close to it, but look at your
life at a bird's eye view, and rate it and split it up. What does
your marriage look like? What does you know, your family dynamic look
like? What does your personal life look like? This is where that
individual identity come in, you know, on a scale of one to 10
What? How is it looking? After that, you know, look, think about
the mindset that you've had in order for that those numbers to be
true. And create a plan and improving that mindset as well as
improving those numbers. And even if your numbers are high, there's
always room for improvement you know, we want to be in a state of
constant never ending improvement. Oh, can I never any improvement so
we definitely want to be in that and in order to do that we have to
stay in the growth mindset. So again, thank you guys for having
me just like go up higher
for having me on and helping me in dealing with technical
difficulties at the begin
to cycle Okay, and thank you you pulled it off and hamdulillah
sometimes the tech just presents those challenges to what can you
do Subhan Allah but Masha Allah just cyclophilin for your
presentation and for shoring up the same message that we've had,
right, which is the personal accountability, which is taking
responsibility and working on the self, right working on the self
working on the self, if we can all make the decision to understand
and work on ourselves. This will have a knock on effect on our
marriages, our families, our communities, our societies in
general. So does that local leukosis May Allah continue to
bless you and your family? And we will see you very soon in sha
Allah does that
mean
Oh, hey.
Stop Recording psychosis Have a fantastic day in sha Allah. Right.
Okay, where are we at everyone? We are chugging on, we carry on and
on we go. Onward onward the evening love. Firstly, I would
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that you serve Brother please if you can let me know. If that's you
Inshallah, then I can bring you in as a panelist, Inshallah, just let
me know in the chat
But
today, the focus for everybody is on the actual showing up within
the marriage. Right. So yesterday we talked a lot about the
foundations, our own foundations, what we need to work on for
ourselves, how to prepare, what to expect, you know, kind of some of
the things that we want to do before we get into into the state
of matrimony. Mashallah, so we did that yesterday. Today the focus is
on in the marriage itself, right. But there is a topic that came up
yesterday that I had been wanting to speak with somebody of
knowledge about Dr. Mohamed Salah was very kind to indulge me on
this topic, because it's an area that I'm particularly interested
in. And it's an understanding of the Hadith, where the Prophet
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam says, a woman is married for four
things. Now, those of you who attended yesterday, you know that
we touched on this in a very practical way. But I wanted to get
a scholarly breakdown of criteria for choosing a wife, in light of
that hadith. So I'm very honored. And we are privileged to have Dr.
Mohamed salah, who you all know, to address this topic for us so
that we can get a true Islamic grounding in what the Hadith means
for us as women, as well as the men who are watching, as well as
those of us who are raising the next generation, the sons and the
daughters, the future husbands and wives. Again, yesterday, we talked
about the importance of taking what we are discussing here and
using it, to raise the next generation in a better way to
raise them to be the husbands and wives of the future, to understand
their role, to prepare for their role to be excited about their
role, and to be able to step up in sha Allah as the future husbands
and wives and, importantly, mothers and fathers of the next
generation. So what we're doing here, we're not just here chilling
spending time. The speakers haven't come here just because
they have nothing to do. They've come here to share their
knowledge, their wisdom, their expertise, so that we as
individuals can be better and so that we can bring up our children
better insha Allah to Allah, Dr. Muhammad Salah As salam Alaikum wa
Rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh walaikum salam wa rahmatullahi wa
barakato sir Nyima all the viewers by Allah do you see od
JazakAllah Kulu here for making time out I know that you had a
very big job to do today's panela and I really sincerely thank you
for making time for us and allowing us to benefit from your
knowledge and shallots. Welcome to my platform. It's your first time
on the channel. So does that color cool? Okay for for for the
indulgence. There's no yeah, come thank you so much for giving me
the opportunity and we ask Allah subhanaw taala to teach us what we
do know and to benefit us out of what we learn and to enable us to
use aka important and sharing it with others. I mean, inshallah I
will give you the flow but even Allah if you'd like to take it
away insha Allah
Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa ala Keba to live
without one in Bali mean salat wa salam ala so you will only in
theory be in our Muhammad Ali he will be as main Oba would praises
due to Allah alone we praise Him and we seek His help. Also Allah
Allah guides is a truly guided one and also ever Allah leaves to say
none can show him guidance. May the gate is peace and Salutations
be open Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, my
dear viewers, welcome to this very interesting and especially meeting
about marriage and Islam and marriage maintenance. And allow me
to begin by thanking the host and thanking all the viewers who are
spending time to learn about one of the most important topics in
our deen because marriage is not just joining a couple, a man and a
woman, a husband and wife. Rather, it is something that is really
sacred, that the Almighty Allah subhanaw taala described it in the
Quran and describe the marriage contract as misshapen Lee law
which means a grant bond. It is something that Islam appreciate so
much and it perceives as sacred visa can only ever to the extent
that when the Almighty Allah in Surah, or room chapter number
three counted in a series of some of his countless blessings, how He
created us how he made
Thus diverse mother tongues, ethnicity, backgrounds, they also
in and number 21, he listed one of his major blessings and bounties
upon us, which only people who ponder, only people of
intelligence will pay attention to, will not just take it for
granted, we perceive it as a Vietnam and approach as a great
act of worship. In this area, Almighty Allah says,
women Aya T and kala, kala KU
fusi home as word or latest school, new la
wotja on eBay in a corner, our data Oh rush in fever early you
can
only go and it means And among His Signs, the signs which prove and
indicate that he is the only creator. And he's the only one
who's worthy of worship, the previous area talks about a great
sign that how he created us and he sprayed us on Earth.
And then he said among His Signs that he's the only one who should
be worshipped. He said, that he has created for us from among
ourselves as well as and spouses. What is the purpose of creating
espouses and actually prescribing marriage? It is simply Letus
school no lie, in order to find an order that you may find repose in
them Sakina Sakina which is mentioned in the Quran, like when
the Prophet sallallaahu Salam was in the cave with Abu Bakr severe
and Abu Bakr was so afraid that the Macan pagans were chasing
them. And he said, Yeah rasool Allah, if any of them look down to
his sea, they will find us they were very visible to them. So we
use solid SLMC Yeah, but don't you worry. What do you think of to
Allah is the third Allah is with us. So the Almighty Allah says in
number 40, chapter number nine, and Zelle Allah who said Hinata,
who Allah, Allah sent down the set key in the tranquillity upon his
heart, so he was calm down, and he was confident he was certain that
no matter what happens, no one will dare to touch them because
Allah promised to protect them and to deliver them safely to Medina.
So as Sakina is this peace of mind is this assurance is this
tranquility, which you find if you observe for sure and salah, which
you find whenever you're sitting in a helper and you learn in the
word of Allah, then the Prophet salallahu Salam says every time
people will get together in one of Allah's houses to study his word
and recited Allah will descend his Sakeena upon them, they will find
peace of mind, come for for the eyes, and then shower them with
his mercy envelope them with it, et cetera before privileges. So
what is Sakina Sakina is this peace of mind this saraha
discomfort, this delight, discomfort for one's eyes, so he
or she feels like finally, I came home finally home sweet home.
That was the purpose of prescribing marriage. Haleakala
Coleman FOC, from as virgin Lita, schooner, Eli, you have not to
fight among each other. Not to hire lawyers to sue each other not
to break the ties and become enemies after a lawsuit
Hootenanny, Bassam loco, were and to me that salon if you examine
all the ideas in the Quran, all the verses whether it's sort of
Bukhara Surah, Nisa or pseudo Tala. Pertaining to marriage
pertaining to marriage maintenance, pertaining to the
conciliation or even pertaining to holer or pertaining to divorce,
you will only find Allah subhanaw taala speaking about Alma roof and
an exam
even in case of separation Be kind, be gentle. Remember those
old good days, all of the brothers and sisters could never had been
achieved without choosing the right soil to plant the right seed
and irrigated with the right water. So, it is pretty much
similar to those who go to the lab, the chemistry lab, they add
somebody acceptance to each other and the expected fine product
would never come out or less if the Add reactance the desire
reactants with the desired amount of volume, according to a certain
scheme, if you do otherwise, something completely different
would come out of that. So the equation is balanced if you were
to follow the guidance of what a lot of mighty said, in disregard,
beginning with love at the first sight.
And guess what Islam does recognize love at the first sight.
And we will learn shortly what the Prophet sallallahu sallam said, in
disregard. But before that,
when you examine I have number 21, in chapter number 30 sort of rule,
list of bounties that Allah reminds his servants with, and he
says, if you examine these bounties, you will realize that
Allah is a creator, and he's the only one who's working for sure.
And in this particular verse of women, Aya T and Hala, Calico,
Minh and fusi, come as well as, and he said, The purpose the
effective cause of prescribing marriage, he said, let the school
know Elijah in order to find repose in them, men and women,
husbands and why so find a pose to find settling in to find comfort,
peace of mind,
and the means of discomfort, and sukoon is Jollibee Nicole nauert,
Dayton whare and he plays between you know what, that which is
compassion,
Rama, mercy, and he did not mention love Subhana Allah, it's
the fact that love comes and it goes, increases and decreases. And
in many, many, many cases, I was actually working on a study before
where I, I was shocked to find out that most of the marriages, which
were,
you know, based on love, like college students, co workers or
whatever,
when love was the only factor they did not last. Because when the
person expects a particular expectation, and that was not met,
they think that they failed to choose the right person. Rather,
the Almighty Allah spoke about what maintains such marriage at
all times, and during all conditions, l mo Agda and our
llama, the mercy, let's talk about that, in the light of the
beautiful Hadith,
which are respected sister Reina brought up in the beginning the
criteria for choosing a wife, which is not any different than
the criteria for choosing a husband. But in the case of
choosing a wife, because it is mainly the man's duty.
And I will tell you why. The prophets Allah Allah Sela put a
lot of emphasis on it and promote the specifications versus when he
spoke about accepting a proposal of a man he said, if he is mental
though Nadina who a man if this man is good to his Lord, and he's
good towards others with the gospel is a have Bismillah
facilitate such marriage. And in the case of the woman and the
views Allah Allah Allah cinema said in the sermon Hadith, which
is collected by the two great Imams Buhari and most, what does
it mean? It means it is agreed upon its authenticity
and Narrated by Abu Hurayrah Ravi Allah. So we have a highly
profound Hadith in this hadith and Nabil Salah Arias LMSs. Tomb
capital Mr. Atul tomb qahal Atul Lee Arba, a woman may be pursued
for marriage of the reasons why any man on earth Muslims or non
Muslims, okay, both may pursue a woman for marriage. These common
factors these four factors are the most prominent factors which
attract a man to choose this woman to decide that he wants to spend
the rest of his life with her. Whether for worldly benefits or
for benefits that would last not only in this dunya but extended to
us in the Hereafter, as well.
Listen to this. He began salatu salam by saying the family her
because of her wealth. He has me her because of her family lineage.
She belonged to a powerful family or family members or members of
the Congress, the Senate police officers in the army chief judge.
Yeah, any big family, noble family, prestigious family
powerful family. So definitely they would benefit me, I would
have good connections. Lee Maliha. Number one because of her wealth.
She's wealthy either because of her own wealth or because she
belongs will see family, baby, she's the only child. Oh, maybe
even she is having several siblings. But look, her father is
very wealthy. If she were to get a share of the inheritance, it will
be in millions. So this is a very tempting reason for many people to
pursue this particular girl in marriage, even though if there is
no connection and no chemistry, but this is a factor by itself. So
wealth, family lineage and position and beauty, which is the
most prominent fact. This is what we're calling love at the first
sight. Some people when they see each other, they like each other
at the first sign. Does this happen? It happens and it happens
a lot. How does Islam actually value this? Interview? Salah SLMC,
Morrow, a Turin Motorhead. benei. Muslim Nika if a man and a woman
happened to fall in love to hear and abuse are seldom acknowledged,
there is something called love.
And in most cases, love happens because of the what do you say?
You guys call it chemistry. He sees her he likes her. She likes
him, even from the first bite the first meeting, so they start
approaching each other. Okay, the beauty is the cornerstone in this
entire story.
And that's why in many cases nowadays, because of the cosmetic
surgery and because of the makeup, sometimes the person ends up on
the night of consummating the marriage with a person who's
entirely different. She looks completely different. In many
cases in Cold War because of that it happens. No doubt, you know,
with makeup now they can make a male, pretty female. So what about
a female who's already a female with a little bit of makeup? So
here, what is your Marissa that's a factor. Allah subhanaw taala
acknowledged that and this is a reality and interview Salah Salem
listed. So wealth,
family lineage, and the beauty and the force. And he mentioned that
last, he said what he had and because of her Dean, by the way,
before I proceed for to discuss the four qualities I would like to
mention one thing, whenever the deen is mentioned in any Hadith,
or in any idea, it does not
simply address the relationship between the servant and Allah.
You know, a person can be a devout worshiper having a huge prayer
mark, but he is a monster, with his mother, with his siblings in
business in dealing with his students or with his teachers or
with his colleagues. He is a monster. So there is a complete
disconnection, supposedly, once a relationship with Allah and once a
Betta is supposed to reflect on how he treats others when he has
manners and of love. But not necessarily this is a case all the
time. And that's why you may see people
who are going to demonstrate back and forth, back and forth, or
aamra back and forth. But you deal with them in business, Matt, Allah
is saying that, no way. Those are the same people who pray next to
us in the masjid. And that's why when I met him, Barbara, the Allah
happened
to overhear a conversation between two people where one was making a
recommendation officer said, This guy is good, man. This guy is
really good. Yeah, I thought was good. So Americans have thought
intervene. And he said, Oh, do you know him?
He said, Yeah. And I said, how how good you know him?
Is your neighbor. They said no. They said, Did you travel with
him? He said, No. He said, Did you do business with him? Selling
buying and trade? Said not that either. He said, Oh, perhaps
you've out his credibility. And you admire them because you see
him go into the machine and come in from the machine. He said,
Yeah, exactly there. So he said you don't know him.
In order to judge a person deal with them in this cash, money,
finance business, a lot Almighty says Whoa, got it and for sure.
The human nature is inclined into stinginess. He wants everything
for himself. But he
says in salted hash, when I can show Hanif, see if at all, you can
hormonal move on, and whatever is protected against the covetousness
of his own self. Such people are the successful ones. So,
somebody's proposing to your sister and he came to know that he
doesn't speak to his siblings. Why? Because he did not give them
the rights of the inheritance from the Father. Everybody knows that.
But mashallah Ramadan is born for obrah Never, ever allow him to
visit from the beginning don't even talk to him. So, I mean, when
we say lady Neha, it is not because she's wearing niqab and it
is not because she's wearing hijab look, the way that she's wearing
this outfit, the way that she speaks to people and deals with
people. Because I'm sure you've gone for Umrah and Hajj and you
have seen a lot of sisters who are performing tawaf, were in our
bathroom Hindalco and their eyes were full makeup. And the ABA is
very tight, revealing the details of the body. So I can assure you
this is pure culture. And if this girl or to have a chance to remove
her hijab of completely, she would not hesitate.
How does she deal with her mother? Will she deal with her parents in
general and the mother particularly, and the rest of the
people?
When she speaks, how does she speak? Is she open minded and she
likes to joke and laugh even with non Muharram This is not the type
of girl whom Allah subhanaw taala wants you to marry at all. Even
though you like her. She's a lot of fun. She's She's a lot of fun.
She's hilarious. She's a she's a character. She's a character for
you and for others as well. You know, she doesn't waste any chance
everybody likes her because she's open minded. She talks to
everyone. Now I want the one whom Allah Almighty says for Allah,
Bonneville Kali Hayato malady if he called the Mara bak when you
speak when a woman speaks to foreigners, the word foreigner
doesn't mean that somebody who doesn't speak the language, or is
not an American citizen. No, foreigner means is not Muharram.
But he's my cousin, yo, your cousin is not Mahara. Don't you
know that. And your brother in law is not Muharram. So don't be easy
going with him.
Don't take it easy, and we lose in dealing with the Illos and Emile
Salah Salem say, and Hamilton mouth. I love this girl who shy
who is having the quality of higher shyness bashfulness. And
when she speaks, she doesn't look to you in the eyes. Like she's
challenging you. This is the woman whom the Prophet sallahu wa sallam
said, if you happen to one such woman, then this is the greatest
Ken's treasure. Because
when you ask her to do something that is Hala. And within her
capacity, she will not give you a hard time. And when you're gone to
earn your provision, even travel abroad, she will guard not only
your wealth and your house, but her chastity, anyone with a
cousin, or your own brother, or whoever would not enter your house
without your permission. And this is not a sign of superior unity of
demand. This is a sign of Imagine imagine and Bill salada cinema see
is a quantum silencer for Amyl if we're traveling, if we're going
for a field trip, if we're doing any project, and it is only three
of us, then we should choose an engineer will make matura to
decide everything together. But by the end LME here will collect
these opinions, and then will weigh one form or the vast
majority and say this is
a husband and wife share everything even and do matura even
in name and the child even in winning the child, Allah Almighty
said in Surah Al Baqarah, world leader to learn how learned
Cameleon Elam and
Marvel robot
in the image of God Almighty says that the will the breastfeeding is
recommended for complete lunar years and then is
is in order for your son, and third of the men whom, what the
Shah would in Jonah lay him. He didn't say if the mother decided
to win the baby, if the mother decided to stop breastfeeding, or
if the father says to his wife enough is enough, no, rather, even
the weaning is a matter of mutual consultation, that decision is not
to be taken by one of them. Subhanallah Yeah, so we share
everything together a room sure up by now. But there must be a
driver, there must be a person who would be responsible, make the
decision and responsible and bear the consequences. Have you ever
seen any vehicle with two steering wings? No, yeah. Oh, wait a
minute, the guy used to drop that male. The mail truck in the States
used to have two steering wheels, one on the right and one on the
left. But never two drivers, it is the same driver. So if he is
robbing the mail to the house on the right, he will drive and use
the steering wheel to the right to the left he will drive from the
other thing but only one driver or otherwise, they will split the
vehicle. They will split the house. The relationship between
the husband and wife should be complementary, not based on
competition here and the real seminar SLM says, the four
qualities, the four factors which every person desire, either all of
them, or some of them are focused on a particular one or form,
whenever they want to get married are the wealth, family lineage,
the beauty and the religious commitment. And I explained
thoroughly. What does it mean to be religious? It doesn't mean that
she's wearing the Kabali it doesn't mean that he is having a
huge prayer mark. And every Ramadan goes for ombre. It's very
comprehensive, meaning a whole app comes on top of the factors which
decides whether the person is mourtada Yun religiously committed
or not.
The Hadees which he mentioned earlier, the aforementioned hadith
is one of the most miss understood a hadith. How come sister nema.
The hadith is very simple. How can my dear audience why do you say
that? It is broadly misunderstood? I'll tell you why. Because
unfortunately, there are a lot of people a lot of us they
misinterpret the Hadith. And he comes to me says chef will lie and
even sisters. This guy is proposing to me. I don't like him
but he's religious. He's kind of short. And his nose is this and
that I don't like his complexion. I don't like his smell. But his
religion don't take him honey. Don't say yes to him. Honey.
Please, for God's sake do not accept such proposal. But the
Hadith says far far be that Edie interrogate your dad. So if you're
going to choose a religious woman, any bet yeah deck is a phrase that
is used in Arabic similar to psyche ladka. Omo luck may you
lose if you don't make that decision. May you lose if you
don't marry a religious woman or for the lady if you don't marry a
religiously committed man, teddy bear to hear that from Theresa May
your hands into the dirt.
So they say that's it? Sure. I don't care about beauty. I don't
care where she's coming from. I only care about one thing that she
prays and she's wearing proper
hijab I want her to be in a club on demand harsh what man harsh? Do
you know that man has yourself do you know whether she's on a man
hours or not? Yeah, because she's following she so and so. So
according me she doesn't listen to this guy. And she doesn't listen
to the system. And she's worked out in
it is this a man harsh? Listen to this. The hadith in order to be
properly understood is these four qualities, the family lineage, the
wealth, the beauty, and the religious commitment is what you
should look for, upon trying to get married. So if you find a girl
who belongs to a noble family, masha Allah she's Hashimi a
beautiful Mashallah. And she's pretty to Allah Akbar. She's told,
beautiful, this is exactly what I want. She's named she's hair, or
whatever your choice. And guess what her family are very wealthy.
They're living in Makkah. They will give me
iqama in Mecca saw be able to do over on Hajj. What are you waiting
for, if you're not interested personal informations to me. So
the meaning of the Hadees if you can find the full qualities, seize
opportunity Bismillah proposed to her walay or to view them in Abu
Dhabi well to route an envoy Riyadh proposed to the way you
right away I'm interested in marrying your daughter and the
decision is in Allah's hand, masha Allah.
But unfortunately she She's beautiful. She's very religious,
she's actually a half as to and she's from Islamabad, she's not
Arab at all. But only one thing that her family are very poor no
probably will be smella the Quran handles that. The Quran says a
Kuno for
more love Fabi Blake Surah Noor Lawson is the poor, the lonely,
rich and then out of His Bounty. This is Allah's promise. And if
you think it is not that clear, in the Hadith and abuse, Allah Allah
Allah cinema says, Salah satin help on Allah, Allah He, I will
know Him.
Allah promises, Allah vows to help three categories of people.
And Moshe, he said, really love and
care who had real assets. A person who wants to get married in order
to guard his or her chastity, they're broke, they don't have the
means Allah will reach in and out of His Bounty, how my income is
limited, I can barely live provided for myself. Now I'm going
to add another member to the family, I was hoping that her
family will be rich, so they can help us.
What about if I tell you that better than their family, Allah
will help you.
And for those who keep postponing their marriage, because what they
have is barely sufficient. So they're waiting until they make a
fortune. You'll keep waiting until you miss the train. And a new
Salas and MSA and T whoever real FF, Allah will open the doors of
provision for him and her will pour the rest on you. Because
marriage is a great act of worship is what is a great act of worship.
We don't marry just because we have to get married. No marriage
is. Look, look at this. Wallahi imagine when you're married
somebody to somebody in the manners of Hadith or the Aloha and
Salah Salem decides to go up in the mountain 707 148 meters above
Earth in the cave of Hera, you know, several months before he was
commissioned or the profit. So So now you're busy as a family. You
have kids, and you have business you have trade. Yeah. But he says
hydrogen, I'm going up to the mountain why? At the hardness tab.
I'm going to ponder this is a kind of a bad she says Have a safe trip
honey and she will pick the food for him and the drain. Then he
want to stay for a week or two weeks long months of Ramadan. And
when he comes back, she's got the provision ready for him and says
goodbye masala. That's it. She's not upset to them. She doesn't say
You're crazy. You're gonna lose your mind. And then when he comes
down running and shivering, he says oh, this one that happened to
me. She doesn't tell him that. I told you you're gonna lose your
mind. You never listen to me. Rather she receives him saying
well Allah he lie you Zeke Allah whoever the I swear to Allah,
Allah will never let you down. Then she starts counting his
merits, reminding him with his gracious enough alkyl Slovakian
water he will tell what how could he die? photostable margu What
were
you the man who's very helpful to everyone for those of your kinship
you take care of the family members, you provide for the party
help those who are in need? How could Allah How could God ever let
you down and love this kind of wife, not the wife that if the
husband is hired, or lost his job, he's afraid to go home why?
Because his wife is going to make his life miserable. So we're gonna
do what's gonna feed us and then and the mortgage and and and you
need one like I like Heidi's out of the Aloha. She will bear the
burden from you. She says Honey, don't worry about it. Allah will
take care of it. And hamdulillah you're doing your best. You're not
Motorwagen you're not a lazy you lousy person. You are hardworking
person.
Maybe Allah will give you better than what you lost. Well Allah He
would say, I'm not going to sleep I'm going to go out and work and
find a better job. Because you have this backbone. You have this
beautiful wife. That's why he didn't say what Allah Boehner call
Mahad baton Rama most of the marriages which are based on
dating, going out together loving each other look oh he even if you
meet any woman and you go out and you change the love words, you
know, there will be what people mistakenly call it love. But it is
not actually love it is a jab and one because you desire the Haram
I tell my kids had a lot of mighty made meal haram and made wine
halal. People don't have desired milk or lose interest in drinking
why? Because I shape and make them desire what is what is forbidden.
What is haram? lmm normal mirboo then once we're married and in the
half in Whitehead and work together a she doesn't continue
these loves words exchanged and roses and, and so on. The love
fades. Love vanishes. And that's why a man came to Omar October the
Alaba and said yeah, I mean, I'm planning to divorce my wife. He
said what for? What did she do what she did? He said I don't like
her anymore. I don't love her anymore. Remember, Todd used to
have that. Something called Dara a robbery stick. That short. He used
to walk around with so he baited with it. I said Yeah, Luca. Our
Eliza she Nika Illa hope. Aren't there anything in marriage but
love?
Where is
the compassion? Where is the mercy? What is helping one another
to raise an upbringing? Godly offspring have you been Imagine?
Imagine on the wedding night when it is already the prayer time
Nazareth. Honey, let's go for another day before Ash I can't
have you why? Because of the makeup actually the makeup needs
to be scrubbed. With a knife it's very thick layer you know so
makeup is given precedence accordingly and the nail polish to
the a bad and then Subhanallah on the other hand and of your Salah
Salem says not Dora Allah
may Allah bright in the face and not done yet I need to go to Jana
and we'll be among and we'll do another LRP another who will get
to see Allah in Jana May Allah make us among them. Who are they?
Not the Allah Allah may Allah brighten the face of a man who
wakes up Mike Dupre couple rockers and then this is instead of prey
by myself. He wakes up he says Honey Honey
Let's pray for gas and if she's still sleeping well with his
fingers please not pour a jug of water with his fingers and
sprinkle some water I said honey Bismillah Bismillah wake up we
need to pray to rock us and we'll go back to sleep
well not dot Allah whom rotten and may elaborate in the face of the
wife who does the same.
In fact, without any compliment. I do not know whether the viewers
mainly sisters or brothers, but I can assure you that most of those
who woke up to pray at night are the sisters and brothers are
snoring. This is in most cases and the marriage counselor so I know
what is going on. So she wakes up at night she says yeah, wake up.
It's been a while since we pray together I want you to lead me in
in the winter prayer even in the water prayer. And she knows the
same if he's to sleep. The Prophet sallallahu cinema says for either
karma for son Leia Jaime and Houthi Bermudez, Karina Allah.
Because here on was the Akira a lot of mighty will record the
names among those who remember Allah much men and women will Jana
for a simple act. This is the kind of spouse whom you should shoot
for AIM act. I'll tell you want to see how before I finished because
I was given 40 minutes and I think
I'm a few minutes over or that's exactly 40 minutes. Here is one
Naseeha
before the no see how I'll tell you what happened with Arman
photog when the man came to him and he complained that his son is
being rude to him her full full while AD. He has not been faithful
to Him. So I'm going to pop up collected him missing. Is it true
that what I heard about you you're not being useful to your father,
to your parents say
said, Yeah, I mean, before he asked me I have a question for
you. Don't the children have rights upon their parents to or is
only one way? Instead, of course, the children do have rights upon
the parents who is it? Would you please educate me about my rights,
our rights as children upon our parents? They said, Yes, number
one, it is the duty of the Father to choose, please pay close
attention to this brothers pay close attention to this, to choose
a good mother for him.
So when I choose a wife, not only because I like her, or she's
pretty or she's tall, or she's curvy, or she is a citizen of the
country, you got to think deeper, and aim higher, which is
high, to the extent that you asked yourself, who was gonna be the
uncles of your children, and when your children will be born, your
child will say, uncle to whom and Muslim work effort.
And most of them was practicing, or the family is messed up, you
know, because she will say I need to go visit my family. Why?
Because it is Christmas Eve. It is Thanksgiving. It is whatever we
get together and we party. My cousin is getting married. But
honey, last time everybody was dancing. Milan, she says, We have
fun. You're close minded. So from the beginning, you know that
you're not the type of this family say goodbye, goodbye. You know,
your love for each other. Because it's not only about you, in many
cases when I'm teaching at various universities in the States, I need
more meat. A college student goals.
I asked the girl because I can tell from the complexion. So what
is your interest is My name is Nadia. Oh, that sounds like an
Arabic name. She said yeah, actually, my dad is Egyptian. And
I know the rest. The rest is history. And your mom she was
looking and Michelle has a beautiful name. And what about
your religion? Well, I'm full of my mom's religion. So you as a
Muslim put a seed in the wrong soil to bring a Kaffir or Amara
macabre the Allahu Allah said by Allah in Nila Okay, do you want to
see allergy now? Raja and zucchini low enough since the Chateau Hola
Hola. Hola. Hola. Hola. Hola. And he doesn't have time for *,
sexual relations. You know, he is managing the affairs of the huge
OMA, which is covering almost two thirds of the entire universe. So
he's too busy. But he says I spare time for that for this
relationship. Why? Hopefully Allah will give me a child he or she
would say EULA in the law, I believe or would come in the scale
of my good deeds on the day of judgment are not only Him, him or
her and their offspring, their offspring until the day of
judgment. And many of us desire in the green card, or the residency
of any country, it doesn't matter. He may spread his seeds and any
soil in order to obtain the papers. And then what?
Now we have the blue passports, you're an American citizen, and he
has three kids, you know, what are they? Now? I have no idea. As a
matter of fact, the man put a restraining order on me. Can I
even approach them? You see, you're a loser. Well, now you're a
loser. So what did you How much did you gain? You brought to this
dunya people who refuse to believe in Allah and you know, it may have
been telling you you know why the prophets Allah Cena said, Tonka
Homer Otto the autobahn and he said five, four B the D in that
event, he adapt. Why, in case that I died today.
I married someone who if I die today, she's a man. In what sense?
She's responsible. She will become the feminine mother and father.
She will raise my children the way that the Almighty Allah subhanaw
taala warns, will be, she will be everything to them. She will
dedicate her life to raise godly offspring. You know, I love this
hadith so much. I keep telling you that in sha Allah, I'm rubbing it
up. But there are so much to talk about Subhanallah I love when Abu
Dhabi or the Alaba attended. Hala in Bucha. Nabil Salam Salam Sayed
Almora truly fit as well as you have in Jana.
This hadith is very fascinating. I'm very fascinated with this
hadith
Yeah, a woman would marry the husband when she was married to
last in the dunya. A sister, maybe very righteous, she got married to
somebody, the husband died. She married somebody else and the
husband died. And she married for a third time and the husband died.
Like as Mervin Thomas she was married to offer a great companion
and agenda Jaffa and then when he got Martha Mota, she got married
to Abu Bakr sublet the Khalifa. And one night she got married
and we were moving in. So now they're all in general has merged
into almost a sledgehammer to hatred attain admired by the
prophets of salaam she's in Jannah a Jaffa Fujian Abu Bakr officially
an ally for Jana, this is what the prophets Allah Salam said hamachi
Maddie in Jana,
Jaffa and she have Trillian or Jaffa or a Vova who is the midst
of this OMA after the Prophet SAW Salem and she also have children
from overwork or highly inebriated and abuse Allah Salam seat or more
actually actually as well yeah for Jana. She will be married to the
last husband she had in dunya.
So she will be married to marry authority. I will not that heard
this how do you send here on hold? Yeah.
What he said I heard the Prophet Salah salem said this and he said
that I'd love to be your husband and Jenna she said Well, Allah He.
If you happen to die before me, I would never marry after you
because I want to be your wife in general. And eventually I would
advise not this is what we'll call it. Now. I
will Rama after Mount Rushmore, you want to add love to Okay Be my
guest. Well, when you say it's only based on love, so if you
don't like her anymore, then want to separate. Now, here, she said
by Allah. If you die before me, I will never marry after you so that
I will become your wife in Jana. Yeah, very high determination,
very zealous. Sahaba. And I will note that die before years there
were more. Me Sophia. I'm happy to be the Khalifa
of a huge empire. You heard that? Oh, Madonna is single. She's a
widow. And the Sahaba would not go to marry like Anna we will marry
more Salama, because she is lemon Tolan because she's a widow, a
bunch of kids. So he wants to propose to her mother that she's
old. She have kids. And she said I would like to marry or my
daughter. I'm your nominee in the Khalifa. And she says politely,
beautifully mislocalized Do Yamaha we are such an honorable proposal,
it should not be turned down. It's only that I promised I would do
that to be his wife in general. This is the kind of wife whom you
and I should be looking for.
Not the wife would sue you in order to take the kids away. And
then she will make them suffer. Or make them wherever you would know
that your daughter is having a boyfriend and you do not dare to
open your mouth. There is even a restraining order you cannot visit
her at school or here or there. And guess what it was? Oh, your
fault. You made the mistake even though you hurt me. Sure. Many
people have been warning you. But it was a desire overwhelmingly
made you forget about all of that and said not me. I'm different.
I'm gonna make her Muslim last minute sisters. They convinced
this guy to become Muslim and say, I'm gonna make almost and he never
actually becomes Muslim afterward, even though he said the shahada
verbally but he doesn't practice is that so never use Allah Allah
is Allah says Father for me that he did. Not only the label, not
only the morphology, not only the name, rather, the deen is in the
heart is in the practice the deen is Love is Masha Allah you see the
sister reciting supplications at all occasions, before eating after
eating before drinking upon entering the house, upon having
sexual relations, you know,
whenever she's afflicted with the calamities and hamdulillah ALLAH
blessed me with one of Allahu La May Allah subhanho wa Taala Oh, I
didn't continue there waiting for Tom I'm so sorry. So he said to
choose a good mother for him and to give him a good name. And to
teach him the Quran he said Yeah, and there are many look, my father
chose the worst mother for me. My mother is such and such. And he
chose a terrible name for me. He named me mu Joy. Joy is a
cockroach. And some people name their children awful names in
order to protect them against the evil eye stupid
And then he did not teach me a letter of the Quran and I have the
Quran. So I'm going to turn to the father who's complaining about his
father as sons being disobedient to him and unusual and said,
Doctor Who? Fat
you get paid for what you did. You're ungrateful to him. And now
it is time to get paid the same. So you will be unbeautiful to you.
May Allah subhanaw taala guide us what is best brothers and sisters
the best due respect of getting married for a good spouse? You
know it in what is it?
Write it down if you know
this dua ever to get the right spouse if you're not married yet,
is to say your banner. Tina dunya hasenhuttl? Was Yachty Hasina
working then?
And Sam, the following two ah, the first I mentioned is a social
worker. The second is a sort of tool for con. One of the traits of
EVA Doberman to say that Hannah Lana I mean, as well Gina was
Audrey Tina, who are you new watch on Tina mmm for so long and sad
and I'm hammered. Were early he was the he was the limit as demon
Cassia
cushions
Subhan Allah does echo Hayden yeah che
I'm sure the people in the VIPs will say the same but everyone is
just delighted with your presentation. Found it succinct,
balanced funny. Just like a local locator. You've given us so much
to think about in this session and I'm really grateful for you taking
the time to break down that hadith Alhamdulillah Inshallah, we will
all be encouraging our daughters to be marriageable in all four
areas but isn't it Allah and may Allah subhanaw taala bless you and
your family, just like I'm a local law here. We appreciate your time
and may Allah bless you everybody please make dua for the chef insha
Allah and hopefully you'll be back on the channel again in sha Allah.
Baraka tis I cannot co locate interviews, thank you so much.
Thank you. Okay, I'm going to stop the video in sha Allah because
we're going to go on to the next one guys, it is time for our next
talk as I said, we are nonstop today Subhan Allah and I do
believe inshallah we have our next speaker in the room so let me just
check yes, there she is, and hamdulillah fantastic feedback in
YouTube and and just as I said in YouTube, I'm just very very happy
to have finally been able to get Dr. Mohamed Salah on the channels
the first time and it did not disappoint. I knew that it would
be good I knew that it would really give us lots of food for
thought and be very grounding for everyone and I think the room
agrees insha Allah so next up we have will start the dahlia Ayoub
who was with me in Australia and hamdulillah that's where we first
met Masha Allah and just took so many gems from just my time with
her mashallah Tabata Kala and she kindly agreed to come on and speak
on the Prophet sallallahu alayhi salam Allahu alayhi wa sallam his
marriage to Hadith or the Allahu anha and Khadija the Allah has has
come up a lot she's come up a lot over the last couple of days Masha
Allah so since we're really looking forward to you giving us
an insight into that if your video is working Bismillah you can go
ahead and and hand it in love.
Lovely to see you Masha Allah says do you mind just turning your
phone so that it's not portrait? But it's landscape instead?
BarakAllahu fakie Allah
just tilted a bit so we can see you nicely and not see the table
if it's possible. Yeah, maybe yes, I'll just get that sorry but no
worries no worries
is it yes that's fine. Yeah, that's fine. Perfect. Yes. Does
that color co located I'm sorry that we kept you waiting we had a
late start due to tech difficulties but it's so wonderful
to see you again Russia Allah so wonderful to see you Have you been
well served and just like Allah who came for the invite my
absolute pleasure to be here. You can see the bags in the background
I haven't unpacked yet so I appreciate it. I know you're in a
transition so I appreciate it so much. Okay, so I'm not gonna take
any more of your time. Let's get you started. Let me get off here.
Let me we're having a conversation. Am I correct? Oh,
are we having conversation okay, yes, yeah, come back on again
then. But I must start the video in sha Allah. So everybody in
YouTube, like the video subscribe to the channel if you haven't
already. And definitely put your comments in the chat. We are
paying attention to it and of course, any super chats or super
stickers. They are
more than welcome if you're appreciating the content guys
okay, this may Allah
smell Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato. Standard
Delia, welcome to the secrets of successful marriage conference
while they come Salam rahmatullahi wa barakato. My viewers NEMA Zack
Kamala, Hi, Ron for the invite. I'm sure now, it's not a secret
anymore. You know, what makes a great marriage after all these
amazing talks?
From everybody Al Hamdulillah. We were getting there Inshallah, you
know, what we will we wants to do with this conferences, we wanted
to talk about, as you know, the stuff they never tell you. But
also something that has emerged as well is encouraging those who are
watching and listening, to not just listen with regards to their
own marriages, but also in how this can benefit the next
generation. How this can impact what we teach what we show to the
next generation and how we train them to be able to have better
marriages in sha Allah. Allah. So what do you got for us? We've been
hearing about mashallah, actually, Dr. Mohamed salah, mentioned that
he gave a little bit of a talk a part of his talk where he was
sharing about having a wife like Khadija the Allahu anha with
regards to being supportive of all this time being spent away in the
cave, and not you know, kind of responding the way maybe some of
us would respond. So when you think of you know, because I
remember you came up with this, you wanted to talk about this, the
story of this marriage, what was it that you wanted to share
inshallah I will be loneliness shaytani R rajim Bismillah R
Rahman r Rahim Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa Salatu was Salam
ala Sayyidina Muhammad wa ala early he was his main is the loss
of Hala to Allah to bless our time together and make a sincere effort
and believe me and open our hearts to even Allah. So the story of
Khadija are the Allahu anha and the Rasul Salah Salem. When we
think about their marriage, people have to understand that we are
speaking about the best marriage that has ever existed, honors. So,
so Pamela, something that we tend to, you know, we get busy and we
get distracted, sometimes thinking about Khadija Lila HANA as a
businesswoman, and you know this and that. But you know, going back
to the basics, this was the best marriage on Earth. And as human
beings, we always need a measure or a standard to measure ourselves
or relationships with, you know, subhanAllah that's one of the ways
for success. If you want to become a great sports person, you have to
model someone, if you want to become a great half of that you
have to have a role model SubhanAllah. And there's no one
better. There's no better model than the model of the Rosa Salem
and Khadija de la Miranda in their marriage. So this marriage
started, I just I think it's important to go a bit back and
speak about prodigious personality before the Rasul Salam even met
her, because that's something a lot of people miss as well,
because we're just focused on post the marriage, creditor of the
Allahu anha was a woman in Quraysh, she had amazing
characteristics. And again, amazing characteristics do not
come because you have amazing characteristics, you build those
characteristics you grow, you become that kind of person.
Subhanallah in a time where women used to be buried alive, she used
to read and write, she used to go to
her cousin what occur and actually learn from him. And she knew a
prophet was actually coming. Very, very few people actually knew that
Subhanallah she would go and learn from him. So she was a learned
woman. She was married twice by the age of 24. She was widowed
twice as well. And that's again, something that can be can relate
to a lot of sisters Subhanallah we can use or the law, her life was
not easy at all imagine being 24 years of age. And some of the
scholars say 25 widowed twice with three to four kids again, she had
two children from the first marriage. And then shortly after a
year or so after she remarried and her husband again, you know, she
had another two one or two kids with from him. And then they died.
So by the age of 2425, a widow twice a single mother with four
children in a society that has no mercy of a woman on your own. So
Hannah, like can you imagine the environment that she actually had
to be in? And then after that Subhanallah after her second
husband died, she actually took a decision to not get remarried for
some time and just focus on her children because their family was
big now and her business was growing. And people speak about
how she inherited money from her late husband and her father,
Khadija, the Allahu Allah invested in the money, okay, because
there's so many people that inherited money and then when he
gets lost, so yeah, she was she was very smart with it. Mashallah.
Absolutely so because she was learning, she was somebody who
worked on herself. She's a person who knew who she wants to panela
that she invested that money and later on, she actually found the
resource as they got married through her looking for somebody
who's trustworthy. So all these little details
A panel of people do not really take into consideration about who
she was. So for 15 years, she actually said no to many proposals
of marriage, including Abuja. And by the way, imagine if you had
met, wow, I know the enemy of Islam. So she had to make because
she was, you know, an esteemed woman and Corporation, she had a
lot of proposals, but she decided she took a decision to focus on
her family and herself and her work Subhanallah because that's
what she knew that she needed best at the time.
So when Chima thought I saw sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, you
know, at the age, she was 40. And we all know the story that he was
25. And why the audience in Sharla, whoever is listening here
to just imagine that we're not speaking about Khadija and they're
successful. Imagine that you actually go to a wedding. Okay?
Because it wasn't, you know, it wasn't conventional. It wasn't the
norms, it wasn't their maid was actually, you know, did not tick
the boxes that people usually look for in a marriage. So when they
imagine that you go to a wedding, and I'm not sure about how you
guys have weddings in the UK, but usually we have them into
receptions where you will get them as their timetable. And imagine
the groom that is is 25 years of age. Okay, you're invited to a
wedding where there is 25 years old that Rosa is 40 years old, the
right is 40 years old. She's been married twice before, she has four
kids. He's single, he's going to be working for her because it's
her business. So he's working with, you know, for her, she says
boss, basically. And he's going to be moving into her house.
Just imagine,
interesting dynamic there. Imagine, the woman on the table
would be talking about, you know, just imagine.
We're not going to get into you know, but let's be honest with
ourselves, Pamela and think about, what sort of conversations are we
going to have about this couple? What sort of future? This couple a
couple going to have? Is it gonna work? You know, is he marrying him
for the wrong reasons? Is she marrying? What is this about? So
many question marks SubhanAllah. So there's a lot, there's a lot of
kind of like it because these things were not known in their
society either. You know, what I mean, like, and the idea, the
message I'm trying to send across is that sometimes yes,
compatibility is very, very important. We're going to talk
about that soon, between, because what made this marriage the best
marriage on Earth is because they were very, very compatible. They
were, you know, they had a great connection, but it had nothing or
little to do with what we tend to as human beings look for in a
relationship.
You know, our our tick list is different from you know, their
tick list and also ourselves checklist with Khadija and in
their marriage was different from what we look for in a checklist.
Do we have any information about why she picked the Prophet
sallallahu Sallam and why he accepted? Do we Okay, so yeah, we
do Subhan Allah. So Shiva, the Allahu anha, as we all know, the
famous story of how she, she had a lot of wealth, a lot of folks that
actually the other men say that, at that time, if you if you
measure the just wealth, compared to all the places wealth, and
wealth would actually, you know, it will be more at that time. So
she was that wealthy. And because she was a woman, she wasn't she
was working, because people talk about she's a businesswoman. And
she said, but she wasn't doing a nine to five. Okay, so some people
might get upset with me when I speak about that, but no one was,
Oh, my dear, not on this channel. We're fine to say that hamdulillah
that's good to say. But she was sending men to do her business.
She was investing her money. And she was managing it on her own
terms the whole time because she was looking after her family. She
was raising her family SubhanAllah. So in saying that, a
lot of men would come and take advantage sometimes of that. So
they would come take care well, and instead of taking it to trade
over, you know, to a Shem to Yemen, they would never come back.
They would sell it, take the money steal it never come back. So she
was in constant lookout for somebody who is trustworthy. And
this is please underline sisters and highlight trustworthiness.
trustworthiness is strength. When Musa alayhis salam you know,
you're all we all know the story
from because he was scared that he met the two sisters, one of the
sisters told her dad hire him in the hiring manager to collegial I
mean, the best that you can hide is the strong and the trustworthy
strength and trustworthiness. And again, these were qualities that
Roscoe Salem had. So you all know the story where, you know, he went
to trade, he took care of wealth. And he actually came back with so
much profits that he he doubled her profits, and no one has ever
done that. Subhanallah and her one of her. The men, the young men
that used to work for her maestra, he went on a journey with him and
he came back and said, This man is unlike anyone I've actually ever
worked with or seen or dealt with. So I'm sorry, can I just jump in
really quickly to make a connection for the viewers?
Because Dr. Salah just said to us about, you know, giving Ischia for
someone giving a reference for someone. And in this case, my son
I had traveled with him and done business with him Asha
Last night with him traveled to him. And by the way, from the time
she started the villa on her working with nurses and started
working with Felicia. And the time she met him, does anyone actually
know the period? How long it took? Because people imagine because we
read the story in the Sierra, we think it's like a month or
something like that. Yeah, three years. From the time he started
working for her till they actually got married two or three years
ago, and I'm not saying you know, you need three years to, you know,
someone out or, you know, study them and ask about them. But it
actually took him three years to make sure that his character and
his ability and him as a person Subhanallah is that trustworthy
person. So it took three years, and then the marriage happened,
the blessed marriage happened. And some people say in terms of
qualities, Khadija had all these qualities. She was rich, she was
beautiful, she had status, and there was also SLM. Like,
nowadays, sometimes I reflect on the emergency Subhan Allah, would
it actually be possible for a man with those qualities to marry a
woman with those qualities? You know, like, you know, she, she had
the four didn't she, she hid the wealth, the lineage and the beauty
and potentially Deen in terms of character. So, absolutely, but in
terms of, you know, a 25 year old married woman who's 40 years old,
with four kids with a twice that that parts of Pamela unlikely, you
know, we have to be realistic, like, it's, it's unlikely, we have
to, you know, subhanAllah and the reason for the one of the main
reasons for the success of the relationship is that, and I always
had a lot, say this, it takes a really big man to embrace a big
woman, a great woman, like you have to be great yourself to be
able to embrace somebody who is that great, he did not have
insecurities, he didn't feel less that he was working for her. He
never mentioned anything about you know, him moving into her house,
it was none of that Subhan Allah they both went into this
relationship equal from inside from the you know, that their
connection to Allah Subhana Allah later on to, you know, actually
emphasize that you approach that. But the idea is that there are so
husband was comfortable with who he was, he knew he knew who he
was, and he did as well. And that's, you know, when we think
about what makes a great relationship, what makes a great
marriage, people think that love does, I disagree, because loving
its nature, is actually not something that lasts, it's true
love is not enough.
Just what
exactly is a primal love in its nature, like in its nature, like
we, you know, and we've seen people who love each other, and
they did crazy things towards each other, like, we've seen that the
love is not enough, it's not enough at all, and, you know, see
love stories that went, you know, South SubhanAllah. So love in
itself is not enough. What is enough, then if stuff is not is
not, you know, sufficient.
A lot of have to elementary those things in the Quran and Muhammad
Ramana, you know, she actually mentioned that, and that's
actually reflects that character, you have to have a good you have
to be a good human being being, you have to be a good person. It's
character endian. And that's why you know, for the qualities of
choosing the right man, it's not love. It's not that you know, full
of body and character, and then and then you have to love Him love
was not even on the list, because it's not going to be enough at
all. Subhanallah love can come and go. And I tell sisters all the
time. You might love him one day you love him this next day, you
might find your husband the most attractive one day and then the
most disgusting next day. It's normal, like it's just part of
it's absolutely lucky, honestly. SubhanAllah. So don't you know
this realistic expectations in a relationship are extremely
important. And I think we watch too many movies, and we've heard
so many wrong things. And we didn't have, you know, modeling.
That's why it's important to go back to the story of those losses
and Phoenicia to see that to have that standard and have that
measure. So he was wondering, can I just say as well, just just
before you, you carry on? What's interesting to me is that, you
know, just as you said, I mean, certainly from the outside the
power dynamic in the relationship was like way off balance, right?
But within the marriage, we saw Khadija the Allahu anha able to be
a wife to Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and he was able
to be a husband to her, in spite of all of that SubhanAllah 100
percents of how to learn. And if you dig deeper into there, you
know, it was the greatest love story ever on Earth Subhanallah
that whenever he would come back, I read once in a in a
book that he would actually eat everything. And when she would
hear him coming approaching the house, she would leave everything
that she was doing, she would get up and greet him at the door, she
would put her hand on his chest and make dua for him. And she
would say, you know, they can also be on me, whatever be Imagine if
she was the wife, she was a phenomenal wife Subhanallah she,
you know, imagine if a woman actually greets her husband,
imagine if wives started treating their husbands at the door. And I
know this is you know, something that a lot of you have like, oh,
you know what do you mean? I'm going to be busy with the kids.
I'm cooking
give you on this channel, we give realistic real advice. And we
don't sugarcoat and we don't not say things for fear of offending
people like we tell it as it is. And you know, since you know, we
you and I have spoken about this. The problem with a lot of sisters
nowadays is they've been told lots of lies, and they are used to the
sound of the lies. So when they hear the truth and the Huck, it's
like, yeah, it becomes about panela if we don't say it from a
place of love, but being fair and honest, and just, they will never
hear it, and then Subhanallah like, you know, where will we be
just with our heads full of lies, and a lot of the time messing up
our marriages in the process, when we instead could be building we
could be nurturing, we could be strengthening, if we allowed
ourselves to just get a bit calm, a bit humble, and maybe listen to
say, maybe I'm not doing it the way that is most pleasing to Allah
subhanaw taala the way that is closest to the Sunnah, maybe I can
make some adjustments here and there to make my you know, my
action for the sake of Allah to make my husband feel more
appreciated to honor him more. Right then I do right now. But
anyway, carry on. I don't I agree. Subhan Allah and I think that
that's where we need to be doing a lot of unlearning. Now email
Allah, He, there's a lot of learning, like there's a lot of
collusion, there's a lot of diverse, there's a lot of dust
that we need to clear the air we need to cleanse our hearts from
otherwise, we're not going to be having those deep meaningful
relationships, especially like in a marriage, which is the most in
the sight of Allah subhanho wa Taala that also called it myself,
and I believe it's a you know, strong covenant. It's a trust that
Allah, it's serious. Like they also said, you know, everything
you can joke about, except for luck and the word like you, you
know, it's a covenant that a lot of people take lightly. You know,
a lot of people take lightly, yes, your husband can be your door to
gender or your door to hellfire. Yes, you know, obedience to
husband is, you know, important. Yes, all these things are in our
faith, and it's our lack of understanding if something doesn't
feel right, if you don't feel right about something in marriage,
or in the deen, or, you know, you feel like it's against women, or
it's oppressive. It's one of two things, it's either you've seen it
modeled in the wrong way. So you kinda like it, like you've got
trauma from parents, honestly. And they triggers you SubhanAllah. Or
you just don't know how you're just ignorant. So you just don't
have the knowledge to understand that thing. That's it, one of
those things. And I love that you said that, because another thing
that's really important for us, particularly as women to
appreciate and understand and accept, your feelings are not the
barometer of truth. No, your feelings are not the barometer by
which you judge whether this is true or not, whether this is good
or bad, it's not to do with your feelings. It is, as you said, it
is to do with the hook and remember that your feelings are
impacted, firstly, by your thinking, but a lot of the way
that we feel is Nipsey, as you said, right, it's to do with the
self, the ego, all of that stuff. And we're asked every single day
in our car to actually seek refuge from the knifes Allah homiletical
NFC therfor time that is to actually make this drop. Yeah,
Allah do not allow me to mine a blink of an eye.
You know, when you're arguing when you're seeking things, it's is it
you? Is this really you? You know, or is it your knifes and then
there are things we need to you know, pack it away? Honestly,
yeah. To get it under control, right. And then the other thing,
sorry, go ahead. Go ahead. No, I just want to say that that you
know, that one of the things that we as Muslims and Muslims in
general need to appreciate is that we live in a time that is not see
enough, see enough, see, live in a time of worship of the self, and
the self. It's, you know, I mean, it probably goes back to the man
is the measure of all things, right, but now, it's me, myself,
I, the measure of all things, I'm the measure of things, if I like
it, it's good. If I don't like it, it's bad. If it makes me feel
good, I do it. If it makes me feel bad, I don't want to do it. And
it's everything about how I feel and how I process and my truth and
all of this stuff. People need to understand that that that I that
people are talking about is the knifes that we that we discussed
in a hadith, right? That's talking right that it's relevant to the
ego it's all the desires and that's not meant to be a barometer
for anything you're supposed to be getting it under control
SubhanAllah 100% And because if you going on that track of
nafcillin FC Subhanallah it's a it's a road to disaster, because
the
the nature of the nurse doesn't ever get fulfilled anyway, so it
should never be the measure should never be the thing that I'm trying
to fill. That's why I lost my dad tells us don't trust yourself.
Don't trust your nerves. Trust the measure I give you the measure of
giving you is Allah Subhana Allah make Allah the center of
everything. Make a loss of hands so the Dean the whole look so you
actually have so when we even say you know when you understand a
And from that, you know, you need to know your deen you need to know
Islam. You need to know your you know your wants and your rights
and responsibilities. You need to understand that the relationship
is not even about what might happen you have my rights and your
rights Allah Subhana Allah says in the Quran and Sunnah Dilip even it
will act and so will follow by Nicole not the rights do not
forgive, don't forgive forget the further and further is like the
graciousness between you two. So not the right, not the response.
There's
there's just be grateful, like don't forget knew that all the
difference that may no no, why don't different ones in the
Sierra, you would find that assassin and speaking to his wives
and telling them my rights, or that's your response, not once.
Which is crazy to me. Because LC really says, you know, we were
discussing this, I was discussing this once with a sister, and she
was saying how, you know, obedience to the husband obey me,
like, you know, I'm not here to say that I'm not a dog that, you
know, to obey anybody. He actually said that. That was, and
SubhanAllah. And, you know, as I said, you know, as a condition for
this obedience, you know, that will liberate you the condition
for this obedience, which you don't have a problem with when it
comes to your parents, by the way for us to obey our parents okay
with that, like, no one's gonna problem with your job, or traffic,
or with the government and
your own children, like, you know, children have to obey their
parents, or have you already, you know what I mean? Like, it's
actually yeah, you know, they're, they're called Good kids good.
Potty skills. You know, it's, I said, the only problem with
obedience is because you don't understand what this obedience
means. This Obedience is conditional to that man, feeling
Allah subhanho wa taala. It's conditional for that. So it's not
like,
it's deeper than that, I think, because I and again, I could be
wrong. But I think that, you know, we always talk about outliers,
right. And I think that the consensus is that the abusive
situation or the outliers, it's not a norm, right. But I think
sisters, and we did an exercise yesterday that I think you'll find
quite interesting where it remember guys, when we looked at
the word obedient, and asked the audience, what comes up for you,
right, and some people said, I feel like rebelling, I'm
triggered, or I feel fine, or I feel uncomfortable, whatever they
came up with, you know, different ways that the word obedient, made
them feel. And obviously, as you know, the way that we understand
language is based on our thinking about it, our past our references,
our programming and everything. Exactly. Right. So we had the word
obedient. And then I put a new slide with all the synonyms for
the word obedient words like submissive, willing, cooperative,
gracious, you know, different different words Jonnie. And it was
almost like he could feel everybody just like taking a
exhaling and just like relaxing.
And I said, like, which of these words makes you feel good, right.
And they've said, I love agreeable, you know, I love
wheeling, I love helpful, you know, all of these things are,
were not helpful wasn't one of them. But people were able to
appreciate that the reason you're feeling some kind of way is
because of the negative association that you have with the
word obedient, then we flipped it. So I then brought up all the
antonyms for all of those words, disobedient, unwilling,
uncooperative.
Yeah, exactly. Right. combative, all of these things? And I said,
Okay, if if, if obedient doesn't feel good? Does the opposite feel
good to you? Is that the kind of rebellious was one of them, you
know, would you like to, if someone asked your husband like,
you know, what kind of wife do you have? How would you feel if he
said, Nope, my wife's rebellious. So my wife's really, you know,
unhelpful, or unwilling, or whatever the case may be. If your
daughter got married, and her husband came and said, Mom, you
know, like, your daughter is this, this and this, she's really
disagreeable. She's really disrespectful. Whatever the case
may be, how would you feel? And hamdulillah like it really got
people thinking through their own feelings about the obedience
because if your child says to you, Mommy can have a sandwich. Most
moms are going to make that sandwich and obey that. How come
if your husband says, babe, can I have a sandwich? Can I make it?
Yes. Oh, well, I see you're busy. But Allah subhanaw taala has put a
duty on us right to obey and to to look after our men, just as he's
put a duty on them to provide for us and protect us and everything.
So I think it's just like a bit of shaking. We knew what to do with
the sisters, like stop resisting, pleasing your man, especially
those of you who've got nice men, man. And I keep saying Subhanallah
all these ideas and all these feelings and all these thoughts
come from the fact that we are ignorant about understanding our
deen like, you know, you know, we've all heard of obedience to
the man but do you? Do you know that for me? I actually think
woman that's my thing. That's what I think that's my opinion. In a
marriage. She actually has more rights than like not in terms of
more rights, because even the men got good life words. Good night.
How
other words, we also have a word. We have a word woman even even
know what their word is like what is everybody knows the man's word
disobedience, you know, and everybody use that against us. But
do you notice as sisters, our word is Allah subhanho wa Taala in the
Quran. And by the way, our desert was a hadith whether Salah Salem,
but our how they should be dealing with us is mentioned in the Quran
not just so Allah Subhana Allah, Allah says in the Quran, where I
am you, I asked you to build my roof. This is a command like pray
like fast, it's a photo, it's obligatory. What is my rule?
Honestly, that is scary for a man to treat his wife did you know
what my daughter's name is?
There's actually no translation for the word virus. My book is all
goodness
from Agatha is a tuner of all goodness, like everything good. So
this is how you have to deal with them with all goodness, no, you're
you're actually begging somebody who's dealing with you, with those
looking after you and giving you all of this good stuff.
We had a brother earlier on today, and we were talking about, you
know, because he was talking about how, you know, for a man having a
supportive and agreeable and submissive woman who whose
onboard, who basically is, you know, the one who obeys in his
chest, right, as is mentioned in the Quran, you know, kind of what
that means for a man. And I said, Okay, so what if I have a young
girl or woman who says, Well, what's in it for me? So I'm
supposed to support you and and back you up? And and, you know, do
all the things what is it for me? And it was really great what he
said, which is he just said, whatever she wants? Yeah, because
a man who feels appreciated and respected, give you the world.
100% I was like, I like that. We'd like that.
And that was 100% of panela. And I think so, you know, this is why,
you know, I keep saying, you know, got to go back to going back to
Asia. So you don't have a saucer? There's, you know, marriage. When
it was they a person who asks these questions, they're
struggling with themselves. Period. Like that's from the end?
Yeah, you know what I mean? Like, so many of us are struggling to be
honest, right now. Yeah, we just, you know, you're going to have a
problem with if you're not married, you'll be having a
problem with someone else. Whether it's your mom with a sister with
your friends, colleagues, there will be trouble in relationships,
because you need to understand that you know, the way you deal
with others, despite who they are, reflects how you deal with
yourself. And it's your relationship with your Creator,
Allah subhanho wa taala. So you rectify that which is between you
and Allah Subhana Allah to Allah, and Allah will rectify that which
is between you and the creation, this is the character, this is the
formula. This is this is the foundation for all successful
relationships. So when Felicia de la Anna Marie de Rosa Salem,
she was okay with like, more than okay with who she is, and herself
Subhanallah she knit, you know, and I'm okay with who he was. And
if you think about nowadays, you know, a sister if she marries a
man who she thinks is less than her, if she even accepts the
proposal, she struggles to be the wife struggles to respect him
struggles to whatever happens is always going to be used with that
work, because, you know, with creditors example, for example, to
Pamela, when she made the resume that she helped him and you know,
and whatnot. And then later on, he actually saw just before the dry,
as we all know, he started going to the cable camera to, you know,
a pondered and to do it cast at that time, the woman of Quraysh
used to actually say bad things about him to her, they would say,
yeah, yeah, they would say, Look, you know, after you've taken him
in and after what you've done, oh, no leaves, you know, really? Yeah.
You know that, yeah. Nikki Shan mentioned that in the story,
because he would go for weeks away from the house. And Khadija at
that time, she was a 60 year old woman with a lot of children,
because can you imagine she had her children and then she had five
children, seven children from Jerusalem to have died, but five,
and then she was a foster mom as well. She had the thought of
living with her, because, oh my goodness.
Can you imagine? Because when there are so sell America, he
actually asked for permission to bring ally because he had 20 kids,
and one of the ways that he wanted to honor his uncle and thank him
is to take and just take, you know, take care of the mystery
from the expenses that this house called was full of people. You
know, she was a foster mom, she was a mom, she had people in and
out and she was 60 years old, and at 60 She was still taking cat
foods for him. So she would calculate she would calculate his
his Raha was their mission in vanilla care you know him you know
being rested Subhan Allah she would calculate okay, it's been
three four days. Now the Rasul he wasn't there so that now Mohamed
Sasa lab with you know, his his food with
was finished. So he would actually would actually go up and if those
of you who've been to Umrah or Hajj and you've been to Java, he
knows me, I didn't notice like a three hour climb. And it's very
steep. So can you imagine a six year old woman carrying stuff
Subhanallah and taking up the mountain and taking food to the
Rasul assalam. And a lot of the times, it was mentioned that he
would actually meet her halfway because it was just the perfect
time she knew when he'd finished the food. So Pamela, and when
those women would actually say bad things about their soul and say,
Look what has left you look what you've done. What would what was
her reaction? Nothing, no reaction. No reaction to you.
Exactly. No talking back no responding No, you know,
supporting your urges and Gaya Would you sign up for this?
Ignorance because you don't get down to the level of the
ignorance. You know, that's all they've got. Subhanallah and, you
know, so just she actually used to just ignore them and continue to
do what she knew was right for her husband, despite the chitchat and
the talk. Wow. Subhan Allah Subhana Allah Subhan Allah No.
Yeah. Okay, Carrie, yeah. Tell us more tell us more stories, we want
more stories. Very important. Before there was also SLM dilemma
also mentioned that just before he became a Prophet, his household
was at the most peaceful ever, you know, stablished home, you know,
good, his wife, children Subhanallah everything's going
really, really well. And that's a very interesting point to take
that, you know, for those who are in Dawa, you know, for those who
are preaching to us today with a woman or men, if you go outside
your home, and you spread the deen and you want to contribute to the
hour and you have an inner this instability inside your household,
it's not going to work Subhanallah because your household needs to be
the foundation. Only good comes out from that household Subhan
Allah, you know, it's the basis you know, Allah Subhan Allah when
he when Islam was revealed and when you know, the deen was
revealed, that also was told by Allah to the end there actually
reticle a COVID start with your family. Like don't go out there
trying to help other people. When you've got Hello, we all have
issues. I'm not saying that we have perfect times none of us do.
We all have struggles, but if you're taking time away from the
time that you should be investing in nurturing, loving, supporting,
looking after your house, you know, it's okay study, go become a
scholar. Work Do you want to be but you need to understand your
priorities and Khadija understood those priorities. And the
priorities go like the sisters in terms of like if you want to, you
know, you know it's Allah subhanho wa Taala and then yourself and
then your husband and then your children that is for the woman
then your children and then your parents, you know family siblings
and then the Ummah so the almost there the OMA is on the list, you
have a duty but you don't go and helping the OMA when you're, you
know taking you know right away from yourself or Allah does have
or your husbands have agents have you know, and when people start
doing when this when this priority is just gets messed up, that's
when the trouble starts happening. And that's when we start feeling
overwhelmed and burnt out and things are not working out. And
that's when we people you know, it was done me I'm doing now I'm
doing Halaqaat but my husband is not supportive, you're so lucky.
Your husband is supportive, there's no like there's no like
there's you know, preparation and there's still feed from ALLAH
SubhanA wa tan, there's no luck. You just have to do what you need
to be doing. You have to be organized you have to be if you
you know want to do that Subhanallah but you have to get
your priorities right. And it's Allah subhanaw taala before
anybody else so your connection to him is paramount and prodigious
connection to Allah subhana wa Tada we can only imagine or even
have enough information because that pre Medina time very little,
was little that was written on what was happening in Mecca
because they were being persecuted there was no Medina afterwards
panel, we had all the information and the knowledge. But just to
give you guys two panela. And we can't even imagine what Yanni when
I think about what was Khadija the law, his daily routine, knowing
what I know about her lifestyle, and who she had in the house, and
what she did, and how she supported the Rasul Allah hustler.
And how she used to actually do what she did just thinking about
the ultimate say, the three years in the boycott, when the Muslim
men were being boycotted, she spent every bit of money she had
the wealthiest woman in Quraysh, you know, died, ultimately, she
got sick, and she ultimately died from starvation, because he was
eating leaves from the trees towards the end of her life. This
is the world of starvation. So she she got sick afterwards from
starvation because she did not eat Yeah, the three years that you
know, she was tested, when I think of Khadija Atlanta's life actually
get emotional because you're I don't think there was a day that
she lived in a there wasn't a normal day per se. There wasn't a
day without hardship. There wasn't a day she was living, you know,
from the age of 40 when there was a tsunami, you know, became the
Prophet. Can you imagine like people will not even just saying
bad things when somebody says something bad about your husband,
you
get upset. Her husband was, you know them trying to kill him. He
was enemy number one.
Everybody's making fun of him. Everybody's mocking him. Everybody
is swearing at heavyweight fighting, everybody wants to kill
him. Can you beat? Can you imagine having having gone from having
that status and that respect within your own unity? Now you're
the wife of enemy number one, and then having to worry about that I
live with that every day. You know what I mean? Like how hard you
know, and this is somebody that you have Subhanallah I can't even
imagine how difficult it was Subhanallah for her at that time
to deal with all of this, but you know, so I sometimes reflect on
what sort of daily routine that she has. We don't know that maybe
inshallah we will ask her in Jana, when we meet today are a bit
Alameen Sharma because she is our mother. And when sisters tell me,
you know, my mother would have a good relation with my mother, like
you have another mother. Her name is Khadija and she'll be waiting
for you in Jana. So we all have a mother that is different from our
own mother SubhanAllah. That's why they're called Almohads. In what
we need, the believers, the Mothers of the Believers, because
everybody has another mother, that is different from their mother
Subhan Allah. So Allah subhana wa there was also I still am says
about Khadija that came with me and you say Aruba only for a
moment. I've actually perfected their faith. So she perfected her
faith. So this is a woman who perfected faith.
Can you imagine what type of personality she was and what she
used to do. And by the way, she perfected her faith in a time
where a lot of the forearm IDs were not even compulsory, yet
Subhan Allah, there was no hijab. She died before hijab was
compulsory.
She died before a lot of the photo itself. So yeah, I'm fasting. This
is a woman who perfected her faith. I'm not saying that,
further, the hijab is for the last thing is for them. But I just want
to give the audience insha Allah and just to get deeper into what
faith you know, how could you perfect your faith without doing
all these sort of things? Yes, you can. You can't because faith is in
the heart. She had to it wasn't her heart. You know, these things
were not obligatory, then that's what she you know, but Subhanallah
what I'm saying is that this is a woman who perfected her face. And
that's why Subhan Allah Allah, you know, there are so similar Salam,
you know, later on, we fast forward after her this. I truly
love her. And I said that in the 15 years that I married the Rasul
salaam, not a day, not a day would go by, except that the Rasulillah
Salam with mentioned Khadija not the alarm, not a day, you know,
the loyalty, the connection, the true love Subhan Allah because
Khadija was Khadija because Khadija was the one and he would
get upset if anybody would say anything negative about it in any
way, shape, or form. As we all know, he used to get very jealous
lesions and she would say to us, all your students, Allah's Pantai
replaced her with somebody better and younger and this and that, and
he would said he went when she said that he said love Allah. She
was not he did not replace me with someone who was better. He was the
one who supported me when everybody left me. She's the one
who believes in you when no one else believes me. She's the one
who was there for me when the whole people my own people were
against me, you know? And then I she actually said after that
moment, I was like, I don't want to get angry. So she never
mentioned Khadija except in good. The Pamela so, um, you know, just
talking about people's thinking are, you know, to have ideal
marriage or the relationship which is what was the result of
sensation Khadija requires that you have an easy life, they had no
easy life.
They did not they had the most difficult life. And yet with the
most difficult life and the most difficult circumstances, they had
the greatest marriage.
Because the circumstances, not about the external circumstances.
It's not about what happens to Robert if he has a job or not.
It's not about his status. It's not about his degrees. It's not
about whatever, you know, stuff that you again, the checklist of
panela and again, to just give you to get into this a bit deeper, one
of the ways that we can know that their life was very, very hard,
it's towards her deaths, just before she died. She was the only
person you know who was actually the only woman who was sent SLM
from Allah Subhanallah Jana and Newbury Gibreel. And Allah
subhanaw taala. She was walking to the sources of just before her
death with some food. And then debris came in man from the
Hadith. He came in one form, and he said a Salam aleikum. And he
said salam to her, and he asked her how are you? And that time
they were not doing well, like you know, that they were being
persecuted. It was hard, was just you know, after the boycott, and
they've gone through so much just kind of Allah and she said before
you will hamdulillah That's all she said. We are good.
Alhamdulillah she went it wasn't like a lip. You know, it wasn't
like a handler. You know, you said from your heart and you're just so
as you believe went to the Rosco salon before he reached the salon
beforehand, and he said to the Rasul Allah rasool Allah Khadija
is coming towards you upgrade or create harmony Salam say salam to
her say that you really think Salam Peace to you. Were great has
salam from Allah subhanho wa Taala and tell her that Allah Subhana
Allah, Allah so
ANNA what Allah is sending her the salon and giving her that I think
and giving her Boucher be considering Lassa fee he will not
come here Glad Tidings here Bushra her gift her reward? I actually
when you think about like, you know that award in general you
think about you know mansion was pearls and gold and for Khadija
the Allahu anha. This wasn't the description of the mansion and the
house that she's going to be in in Jana. The description was Lhasa
Buffy he was not so it has no more exhaustion, and no more noise.
And if anything this reflects that her life was full of exhaustion
can tell that and noise until then, yeah, it was just chaotic.
It was loud it was
you know when the incentive was no more of that.
Because of her patients because of her faith because of her
conviction to Allah subhana wa Tala and the message just a little
SLM because of her journey because of every good that she has done to
the Ummah at large Subhanallah the Allahu anha now the Allah one has
said pan Allah sisters I can locate and again another time
another talk that we need to go back over and take notes and
really reflect on how we can actually learn from the example of
Hadith Allah the Allahu anha and you know, inspire our daughters
with this with this. This example Masha Allah says, I am so grateful
for the time we are going to take a short intermission inshallah
people need to pray we've been literally non stop for the past
few hours.
You all thank you so much. That was beautiful. MashAllah sister
where can people find you? Instagram is the Facebook and
Instagram. I was away for a month. Taking a break was Campbell I'm
back now. So insha Allah was taken on Debbie hamdulillah Dalia, you
guys on Instagram and Facebook, I believe you have Halaqaat and you
have programs etc. So guys, if you enjoy today, follow the sister
find her find out how she can help you insha Allah and up next is
Omar haylage talking about how to be a traditional wife alright guys
a couple of minutes break Inshallah, because I can locate
him Zack Alafaya Salam aleikum. Wa Alaikum salam I have to know but I
get a lot of words you loved every minute of it. So la Malik I mean
thank you so much.
All right, guys. It is time for our next speaker. As you know we
are going hard we're going straight through all the way to
10pm Allahumma barik. May Allah make it easy? Thank you so much
everybody please continue to if you haven't subscribed to the
channel please do if you haven't liked the video then please do and
share the stream Yeah, share the link to the stream share it on
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status would love for more people to come on. That was amazing. I
really learned a lot a lot of things that I did not know Masha
Allah so on Khalid is due to come in. So I'm going to turn my video
off for a few minutes guys I need to pray so just get up stretch get
some water get some tea get some coffee I think we need to have a
little bit of a break. Okay, so my video is going to be off and sound
off while we I'm going to pray and then I'm going to let Mohammed
come in and shut Allah we've got five minute break inshallah.
smell us and Armani comm everyone welcome back. Let's see if we've
got
insha Allah I'm offended is that you as Daniel? If so let me know
and maybe change
the name on the Zoom and sha Allah
ah temperature check everyone how are we doing?
My VIPs How is everything
how is the day so far? How the talk has been so far
I'm super excited yeah loads of new people on the channel people
who haven't spoken before Mashallah.
And, in fact, we had lots of people who haven't spoken on the
channel before. So that's wonderful. Can you guys hear me
just give me a yes in the chat if you can hear me please. I'm
flattered is just setting up so she'll be joining us just give me
a yes in the chat guys. If you can hear me Yeah.
All right, come on, then. Guys. Give me some feedback.
What has stood out for you so far?
Which has been your favorite talk? Which one did you enjoy? Which one
did you feel was just for you?
The talk on mindset with Coach Nyla mashallah Hamdulillah
that has been very beneficial. Yes, mindset is always, always
beneficial. Mashallah. hamdulillah
right. Okay, so what else guys? There's seven of you here. So
let's hear from everybody and let me know guys in YouTube. Which one
have you enjoyed? So far? Yeah, the love story of Hadiya and the
Prophet SAW Selim. That was beautiful. Mashallah.
Very, very nice. Yeah. tikka says yes to? And yeah, that's what we
truly want. Right. But, you know, this is the thing is like, that's
what we want.
We have to be prepared to be that woman. You know, that's the thing
is that we, we want the love story.
But are we prepared to be that woman that that that attains the
love of her husband in that way? You know, that attains the respect
and appreciation of her husband? In that way? Are we prepared to do
the work to be that woman?
That's that's the question we need to ask ourselves.
hamdulillah saying it's more than awesome. Chef, Dr. Salah and coach
Nyla someone said they those are their favorites. And yeah, Dr.
Salah session was was was awesome. I loved it,
too, but when the effort interest and understanding is one sided is
difficult. 100% 100% And you know, the thing is that obviously Men
like women are not a monolith. So they do appreciate different
things. And they want different things. You know, some men want a
deeply connect
putted you know, passionate relationship, that's what they
want, and others don't, you know, they're happy to be together, you
know, respect each other and be cool, but not necessarily dig
deeper or grow or anything like that. So, yeah, it's true when one
person is driving, it's hard. Yes, it is hard. But, you know,
obviously choosing the hard is what we need to do.
So, let's see what's happening. She says the link isn't working.
So it is not working. So let's see. Let's see what they're doing
in sha Allah. Tech challenges today. Allahu Akbar I'm so I'm so
surprised by this. Normally, we have just like very smooth sailing
Allahu Akbar. Anyway, God that Allah Masha Allah,
may Allah allow us to get the reward for persevering in spite of
the challenges and even with regards to like email delivery,
email delivery has been really bad.
This time round, compared to other times, so may Allah make it easy.
But anyway, we were saying that. Yeah, I mean, there are a lot of
coaches and therapists who will say that, you know, a marriage can
be saved by one person. And that it doesn't, that does, it's not
necessary that both people be putting in the work for the
marriage to be saved, or for the marriage to actually be good. And
they teach about this, I don't have a lot of knowledge on that.
So I can't really speak too much about it. But I do know that there
are many, like majority that I know of, will say it is possible
to salvage a marriage with just one person who's doing the work.
And that it's not always a case of the two of us have to put in the
work. So Allahu Allah. My mom told me, you have to be patient in
learning how your spouse wants to be loved. Yes. And he has to be
patient in teaching you 100%? And yes, we tend to think if they love
me, they would know what I need. Not true. Oh my gosh, especially
not as women because men always say the same thing that we're not
mind reader's, we don't know what you want. So you just have to be
really upfront and tell them, you know, if you have a decent man
that he is going to want to you know, he's going to want to do
things to make you happy, right? Even though that's, that's quite a
hard. That's quite sometimes for some of us, that can be quite a
hard, a hard task, because maybe we ourselves don't even know what
we want, right? In that moment. Right? But if you do know, then
communicate it, you know, communicate it in the best way.
That's what you need to do. So
isn't that being taken advantage of if one tries to save?
If you save the marriage? Or if you manage to preserve the home?
Why would you have been taken advantage of especially if you did
it for the sake of Allah? And not, you know, I take it very very.
Look, we got married?
I feel I'm putting in more effort. But I know that the effort that
I'm putting in is what is keeping this marriage together? And is
what is allowing my children to have a stable home? And is is the
backbone really of this family? Right? I have a few choices. One,
I can just say, You know what, if it's not going to be reciprocated,
I'm not going to do it. Right? I'm not doing it. Fine.
You won't need to put in the work anymore. But then what is the
outcome? What happens on the other side of that? Does it lead to the
breakdown of the marriage? Does it mean that you get a divorce, in
which case now you're single and looking for somebody else who
you're hoping is going to be a better fit than the one you had
before. Anyone who's out there who has single has been married before
knows that it is not an easy feat. So there's that choice, then you
can make the choice of you know, having the conversations, trying
your best to get your other person, the other person involved,
getting family involved, etc. So there's, that's another route,
okay, and just not giving up with that. Another route is to say, I'm
going to do all that I can continue or that I am doing now.
But I'm going to make sure that my intention is for the sake of
Allah, so that I get the baraka from this. And I don't feel like
I've been taken advantage of or I'm being taken the MC of because
I'm not doing it for this person. I'm doing this for the sake of
Allah. Because this is this is a union and there's blessings in it.
There's Baraka in it. If there's no blessings in it, if there's no
Baraka in it whatsoever on any level, right? You're being
neglected you're not being provided for you're not being
protected. There's no physical intimacy, you know, he's he's,
he's, he's worthless, he's this he's that he's all of these
things. Then says you need to make the decision to say you know, this
is this relationship is not worth salvaging, right, and there are
some relationships that are not worth so
averaging mentally draining is as a result of your thoughts
and that is go back into the videos on this channel and talk
you know and watch some of the videos about you know emotional
regulation and stuff like that that we have mashallah
mentally draining usually is because you're overthinking or
you're focusing all your thoughts and oh, it's occupying a lot of
your thoughts, the fact that I'm doing I'm doing I'm doing, you
know, and I'm not getting back, I'm not getting back and that is
probably what is causing the mental draining and the feeling of
being drained. So, something to think about inshallah. Alright,
let's go. So are we in? Do we have on Khaled in the chat?
Right, today? Um,
the link isn't allowing me to join Whoa, okay.
There we go. There. You are there you've been there all the time.
Okay. Um, did I that's my thought. All right. I'm gonna bring you to
be a panelist now. I didn't know that was you
Alright, cool. Oh, my eyelid is in the building Alhamdulillah
Alhamdulillah apologies for the steps and Miss starts guys. May
Allah help us in every way. hamdulillah May Allah accept us
and forgive us our shortcomings?
Right Okay, so I'm currently going to make sure that you are able to
put your video on in sha Allah you should be able to yes, you can. So
Bismillah I'm waiting for you
Ah, there she is a Salam Alaikum Alaikum salam or how to Allah can
you hear me okay? I can hear you perfectly. Mashallah. How's it
going, girlie? Good. hamdulillah I'm so glad to be finally on.
Sorry for the technical issues but handle our we're gonna know
Alhamdulillah Gert, we've been having them all day. We've been
having tech issues literally all day from the beginning of the day.
Well Ilhan Alright, so we don't want to take any more of your time
guys. Take the pics with the socials. I am okay, because people
need to come in and see this insha Allah. And since you're going to
be talking to us about how to be a traditional Wife Is that true?
Yes, it is true. Fantastic. I love it. And we've been touching on
this ever since yesterday. We did a really great live yesterday
about how can successful professional successful women make
good wives and there was a lot of a lot of interesting conversation.
So should I leave you to it? Insha Allah
Yes, in sha Allah I should I am I speaking for 30 minutes or how
long should I speak and then is there go to the hour go into go
into the hour? So 45 minutes, and we can if we can, if there's QA if
there's questions, I'll let you know. So you know, to kind of wrap
up and make time for questions in Sharla All right, that sounds
perfect to Jacqueline Allah. Hi sister Naima for having me fakie
Bismillah recording now Bismillah
wish me Bismillah al Rahman al Rahim. hamdu Lillahi wa Salatu was
Salam ala Milena V Avada. As Salam alikoum or Allah, whoever, okay to
everyone. I'm very, very happy and excited to be here to join this
amazing conference. And this really nice lineup of speakers
Masha Allah. So today in sha Allah, in this segment, we are
talking about the beauty of being a traditional wife. And this is
one of those things that given the times that we live in, sometimes
it's a difficult topic to broach for some of us, given the
conditioning, the cultural conditioning, the social messaging
that we have received, and we've been receiving for years and years
and years, some of us from the time we were little girls, and the
times when we were young for both, you know, men and women, boys and
girls, but especially for us as women, because this is a topic, of
course that is addressing my fellow sisters, and myself. So for
us, from the time we were little girls, we've been hearing certain
messaging, we've been hearing certain things and being told
certain things explicitly and implicitly, directly and
indirectly.
And most of that, for most of us has not involved being told that
it is beautiful, that it is important that it is worthwhile to
be a wife, nevermind a traditional wife.
So let's delve into some of these ideas in sha Allah over the course
of this hour. And I want you to engage with me, I want you to put
comments you know, share your comments, put your questions in
the you know, in the chat, and we can have a discussion inshallah.
This topic tends to be kind of sensitive for some people for some
women. And I understand why and I appreciate that.
Just because of the the backdrop that we have. There's a specific
backdrop to this conversation, this conversation
John has,
as I said, it's just the backdrop of the times that we live in the
feminist ideology that we're surrounded by the gynocentric
world that we are in. And so just the times that we're living in, so
if you, you know, feel any sort of way, if you have any comments,
just put that in the chat, and we'll have inshallah productive
and interesting discussion. Okay, so for me,
if somebody were to ask me, Why is it good to be a traditional wife?
Why is it beautiful? Is it beautiful to be a traditional
wife, and if so, why? So I'm going to give you one reason. And I'm
going to substantiate that reason, with five different levels, or
five different kinds of pieces of detail, that inshallah are going
to support my overall argument. So here we go. The reason that I'm
going to give, it's an overall kind of general overarching
reason, again, with five different points under it.
So the reason that I find traditional wife hood, traditional
marriage, traditional motherhood, to be absolutely beautiful, is
that it gives you peace. It gives you peace, tranquility, and
serenity. As a woman,
as a woman, you're not in a state of constantly feeling like you're
at war. That's the whole thing, you're at peace, you're not at
war, you're not at war with reality, you are not at war with
your own nature. You're not constantly railing against men,
men in general, the patriarchy or men in your life, your father, or
your husband, and your brother, your son. You're not constantly
thinking that you're a victim, that has been wronged and
oppressed, for centuries and millennia, you are not in a state
where you are denying your own fifth law and ignoring or
suppressing your own biology. You are not defying your Creator, when
you when you don't when you're not doing all of these things, and
you're not in this state of constantly being at war,
constantly clashing with yourself with others with life with
reality, then you are at peace. Why? Because you've accepted
reality. You're not trying to
ignore basic facts, again, of biology of your own nature of
life, and you've accepted certain things, you've accepted reality,
and you've embraced the role that you are before. And there's
something very beautiful and very liberating and freeing in that, in
the truest sense, not in the freedom, the vacuous freedom that
we hear about in the western feminist sense, but truly,
genuinely freeing for a woman.
And then, when you accept life as it is, and you embrace what you've
been given, with a certain level of grace, and a certain level of
gratitude to Allah Who made you and then this
basically, acceptance of reality is the opposite of what we see
around us. With many modern women who are fighting this traditional
way of life will look down on it, who dismiss it, which is they tend
to live very often in a state of delusion, delusion, right? You
don't, we don't want to live in delusion, we want to live in
reality and accept and embrace reality. So and this when we do
that, when we accept ourselves as women, and we see that as enough,
as worthwhile as significant and as important, then this leads us
to have deep feelings of contentment, which we call a
little reward out on air, right? By now, contentment, or
satisfaction.
And we have these feelings of fulfillment, right? You feel
deeply fulfilled, on a very instinctive and deep level. It's
not a superficial fulfillment, that things like money can bring
or a job or a degree, right, it's a deeper level of fulfillment, and
then that on a kind of a federal level, like the level of the
heart, right, the heart and the mind. And you don't feel when you
are, when your actions are congruent with your purpose. And
your underlying again, biology underlying human nature, then you
don't feel a sense of anxiety. There is no angst, that modern
angst, right, that many of us feel many of us go through. There is no
depression, that is born of misaligned priorities, or a
disordered life where things are in disarray, right? You don't get
any of that, or it's very rare, it's very difficult to have this
kind of anxiety or depression.
Because that those feelings usually stem from that modern way
of life that modernity has pushed on us. It's a liberal
understanding of life, which is you do you do? You know, do
whatever you want. Don't have any.
Don't have any restrictions. You don't want any burdens, like kids
or a husband or marriage. Just do you and be free and all of these
things is very damning.
Jing on indoctrination, this messaging that we receive the, the
our anxiety as women often comes from that we can't usually place
it, usually we don't correctly put our finger on why we feel so
anxious or we feel so tense, or we feel so depressed about life. But,
you know, in the end, most of us find that it comes from this
modernity,
this modern way of life. And this is the modern condition. It's one
of unrest on ease, anxiety, lack of peace, right. So my overall
point is basically that being a traditional life, and existing, an
act acting in a traditional way, in a traditional marriage with a
traditional masculine man, and living as a wife, living your
roles fully and completely as a traditional wife and a traditional
mother and homemaker, those things will really bring you a sense of
peace that cannot be found anywhere else.
So you have that peace, you have that second, and we call that an
Arabic Sakina. Right. And Sakina is a really beautiful word, and it
comes from second and the verb second, which is to be still as a
certain level of stillness. And I find that so beautiful, basically,
or even if you know anything about Arabic, like the vowel markings,
right, we have had on McKesson, the N E, mu sounds that you put on
Arabic letters when we write. And there's something called sukoon.
Spoon is the absence of movement. It's the absence of the fat hat or
the cursor or the dogma. It's just a circle. And it what it signifies
is a stillness. Like a lack of air, you there's no movement, the
other things we call Halkett, that literally movements, these vowel
markings. And sukoon is a an option where you take away all
those vowel movements, or those vowel markings. And this is a
special vowel marking that connotes stillness, and a lack of
motion. And this is related to the word as you can hear just the
sound of it, right Sakina comes from sukoon second, and so it's a
lot, it's a stillness, it's a certain peace, serenity. Quiet,
right. And I love that. So this is what you get. This is at least has
been my experience, and the experience of many, many women who
are like me, who are traditional women, you know, traditional
Muslim women in their traditional roles as wives and mothers and
homemakers. So that is my overall point. This is for me, the beauty
of being a traditional woman, traditional wife. Now, let's give
examples, I'm going to give you five different levels of why this
happens, why we have peace, when we are at peace with our roles and
our identity as Muslim women in a very traditional sense. The first
reason that I'm going to give
is basically, you are
serving Allah. So this is the level of your Creator. The first,
the first thing that we all want to do, as Muslim men and Muslim
women, is we want to serve our maker, we want to serve and
worship Allah in the best way possible in the most pleasing
manner. Right? And Allah has given us specific things that He'll show
us the way Allah has guided us, Allah has given us guidance, and
has not left us to our own devices to just do whatever we want, and
kind of group around in the dark blindly, right? We have very
specific guidance. So what does Allah say when he when he tells us
about or when it comes to
being a woman being a man?
Marriage, right? How the two genders should relate to one
another, what they mean what a man means to a woman, what a woman
means to a man, Allah has given us guidance on that. So basically,
Allah has created us as men. And as women, Allah has created two
kinds, right? Two different types of human nature. There's the male
human nature, and the female human nature. And what does Allah say
about each one?
Allah subhanho wa Taala says, Well, I said, the chemical
warfare, right, and as I'm sure we've all heard, many, many times,
when I said the Koran can infer the male is not like the female,
right. And this is one of the most matter of fact, statements that
you know, in the modern, you know, mumbo jumbo of gender neutral,
this non binary that this area cuts through all of that, right,
all of that nonsense. We can cut through that very directly and
very bluntly with what I said, but the male is simply not like the
female, those two are very different. And Allah tells us that
clearly in the Quran.
So with Le Emraan
now another set of eight that I find incredibly beautiful, is the
very beginning the first for a it of sort of delay. So the delay
What does Allah say? Well lately either Yaksha when the hurt either
agenda, warm or hot up a veteran will unfair in nessa yakun Nasha
and the surah continues, but those first four eight of the surah
The general meaning of the verses are when Lady either Yaksha by the
night as it covers as it covers or shrouds in darkness. And when the
head either Nigella and by the day by the daylight as it uncovers or
as it shines, right,
the third area, why am I qualified Becca? Well, and by He Who has
created the male and the female
in the cycle pleasure, verily, definitely, certainly your ways
are divergent, your ways or your paths are very different. And when
you look at the Tafseer, of the beginning of this surah, these
four, eight, what I'm assuming tell us is something really
profound. The difference between the male and the female is very
similar to the difference between night and day. Allah starts off
with a contrast, the contrast between the night and the day. And
then he gives us another contrast the male and the female, and then
he follows it up with
your ways your paths are very divergent, they're very different.
And that's okay. So Subhanallah This is a description of life. But
it also gives us an insight like a glimpse into the nature of the
divergence between the male and the female. They're like night and
day, and that is okay. There's nothing wrong with that isn't
that's not an insult to anybody. It's not offensive to anybody. It
simply is it as we said, this is just reality. And we have to
accept reality, instead of railing against it or fighting it right,
or being offended by it. So
and then another, a final set of ads I'm going to give you there
are many a but I'll give you a third example, basically, and the
beginning of sort of confront a loss is
when fetch, while early in hush was Scheffer, he would wet by the
dawn, by fetch Allah swears by the time of Fed, while alien hash, and
by the 10 nights. And then here's the third area, this is the part
we're going to focus on a shuffling little bit, and by the
even and the odd. And now what scholars say and move assume when
you look at the deceit of this area, what them first you don't
tell us is that the even the odd has many meanings. But the main
meaning that we come away with is that Allah subhanaw taala, he is
singular, right? Allah is one right but who Allah who has say He
is Allah, the singular one, there is nothing like Allah he is he is
the only one who he's unique in all of his attributes, and all of
his, you know, characteristics are kind of with Allah. But he draws a
contrast here, Allah subhanaw taala. He says, By the singular,
or by the even, and the odd, Allah is odd, because he's one that's an
odd number. The rest of creation has been created in pairs that
evening. So we're created in twos right in pairs. And the mother
soon will say, something really beautiful. He'll, they'll say,
like, a Shem swell Palmer, the sun and the moon,
a summit on the sky and the earth.
A very well, by the,
the sea, or the water, or the oceans, the seas and land, right?
So things like this. And then they'll say, Well, that's what the
male and the female. So these pairs, these pairs that are
opposite, but complementary, right? These opposite, but
complementary pairs, like the sun and the moon, the earth and the
sky, the sea and the land, the male and the female, right. And
when you think of it in this way, you kind of think, okay, so the
male and the female, they're different, in the same way that
night and day is different. So I'm in the moon is are different. And
the sun is not necessarily better or worse than the moon, the moon
doesn't have to feel less than the moon doesn't have to feel inferior
to the sun. They just are different. They have different
purposes. But they work together beautifully in really amazing
harmony. But they are not the same. And that's okay. And the
earth and the sky are different. The Earth doesn't have to feel
inferior to the sky, the sky is not necessarily superior, or
oppressive, right to the earth. They're just different. They're
complementary pairs. And they work together beautifully. And that's
okay. And things like this, right? The land and the sea. And then we
come to when you bring it back to men and women, and male and
female, it kind of solve some of that tension that sometimes we as
women might feel, right, like, well, who does he think he is? And
why do men think they're better men are not better than me.
They're not. And there was never that tension. There was never that
riddle that we have to solve. This is part of modernity that pits men
and women against one another. And it makes us have this beef
between, like amongst ourselves, right? But there's really no beef.
There's no beef between men and women. We don't need that doesn't
have to be this way. In the same way that there doesn't have to be
issues between these complementary opposites, these pairs that we're
talking about, right? Because everything has been created in
pairs. And I find that very beautiful when you bring it back
to elements in nature and other creations
Allah, the sun in the moon, the Earth, and the sky, land and sea,
male and female, there doesn't have to be a comparison or like a
value judgment, right? And if you're, you're in a superior, it's
just two things that are different but they're working together and
they complement one another. And Allah has created that.
So
are on Allah another quick Aya is in solitaire never Allah says well
hello connect, as wager, right? Well, HELOC Netcom as version we
have created you in pairs also as wager comes, or it's the same word
for mates or spouses. But in general is a general word for
pairs, that things that come in twos, as we said, just like the AR
with the even in the odd. So these are all things just to get us
thinking to frame our
kind of thinking about this topic that can sometimes have us feeling
intense, and, you know, maybe indignant, maybe a little bit
angry. So we don't have to have that. Basically, the operand
comes. And it softens our stance a little bit. It softens our heart,
especially when you think of it in a natural, beautiful way with no
assumptions and no biases. And without that feminist baggage that
some of us come with myself included, I had I had to go
through this myself. And reading the Quran was actually one of the
keys that unlocked something in my brain
that basically helped me get rid of this baggage, stop the
comparison, stop comparing myself to men, there is no fight, there's
no war, we don't have to be at war, you know. So anyway, so let's
go back to the show. This is the first level, we are here to
worship Allah. And we want to live our lives in line with what Allah
has created. So Allah has created this system of having men and
having women and men are male, and they are very different from women
who are female, and that is okay. And Allah has created. So each one
has a different nature, masculinity versus femininity. And
they're both important, but they are incredibly different. And this
gets rid of the idea immediately, right off the bat of androgyny
right. There's no room for this messy,
kind of silly idea of androgyny. And I'm non binary, I'm gender
neutral. I am asexual I am an OB literally people will say things
like I'm asexual, like a plant, right? So kind of like when
Muslims, we have femininity, and we have masculinity. And yes, of
course, there's a spectrum. As this your name I was saying
earlier, we're not a monolith, not every woman is like is the same
women are not all identical. And that's okay. Men are also not
identical. And that is okay. But in general, women in general, have
this quality of femininity. And men, by and large, have this
quality of masculinity. And it's on a spectrum. But it is still
very much the case that women tend to be feminine, to varying
degrees, and men tend to be masculine. So we don't have this.
Again, this kind of a amorphous, ambiguous idea of androgyny, oh,
I'm neutral, I'm right in the middle. I'm neither feminine nor
masculine, no mama, that this is not how Allah created us, He
created us with, you know, masculinity and femininity, by
design. So basically, when you have that, and you accept that,
then you understand that Allah has created a specific system, a
perfect, comprehensive system for how men and women are to live with
one another, how we are to relate and understand one another. And
how we can build a stable relationship that basically is
mutually beneficial for the man and the woman and brings joy to
the man and to the woman. And this is Islamic marriage. And marriage
in Islam is traditional marriage. It's basically the same idea, the
same concept of marriage, as has been held by all traditional
societies, including non Muslim societies, but traditional
societies, which basically means patriarchal marriage, right? A
traditional patriarchal marriage, which means the man is in charge,
the husband is in charge.
And we can, you know, there's a lot of details here. But
generally, when we hear the word patriarchy, it's another dirty
word in, you know, modern times, and it's like, Ah, you're trying
to bring back the patriarchy. Are you trying to drag us back to the
1950s, et cetera, et cetera? Right. Patriarchy is another one
of those much maligned terms. And generally, it just means that the
man has a certain degree of authority because he's in charge
now because he is superior or he can he gets to boss around
everybody and act like a tyrant and a dictator. Whatever, right?
No, it just means that Allah has given him a certain degree of
responsibility, above and beyond the responsibilities that Allah
has given to the wife. So whoever has more responsibility, also,
it's it's fair to give that person more rights and a certain level of
authority so they can enforce the rules. Because imagine if you have
a lot of responsibility over somebody, you are responsible to
take care of them, to clothe them to feed them to
sheltered them. But you also have zero authority over them. You also
have zero say over them, that you can't control anything that they
do, you're nobody, but yet you're responsible for that. And so if
you are, if you are in this position of a lot of heavy
responsibility for another, then you also it would stand to reason
that you also would have more rights over that person. Because
otherwise it's not going to work, the whole system, the whole system
is going to come crashing down, everything will collapse. Without
that person who has more responsibility, having more
rights, because rights and responsibilities go together, they
go hand in hand. Again, that's just a fact of life. And some
people who are basically have been affected by feminism, they'll get
mad at this thing, this this basic fact of life. And so we don't want
to do that.
So
for feminists, or this modern time that we're living in what people
want to champion, and endorse more than a patriarchal traditional
marriage, is this idea of egalitarianism, or we have an
egalitarian 5050. Marriage, my husband and I are the same again,
this idea of androgyny right, we're both you know, I'm not
masculine and feminine. My husband is not masculine or feminine, or
both just identical partners. And we just do whatever we want. And I
work and he works. And I raised the kids, and he raises the kids,
and I do laundry, and he does laundry, and I wash the dishes,
and he does the dishes, and I sweep the floor, he sweeps the
floor, right? So this is silly, because this assumes a certain
similarity between men and women. That is, in fact, non existent.
It's not true. That's not how Allah created us. So to make to
force a woman to act, just like a man is unfair to that woman, and
to force a man to act just like a woman is unfair to that man, it's
unfair. Because we are incredibly different. And so the things that
we do, that come naturally to us, that are easier for us by nature,
will also be different. So Panama. So
we can talk a lot more about this, but I want to get to that I have
four other things that I want to get to. So as a traditional wife,
you understand all of this, and you accept it with a kind of a
clear eyed
dignity, and
just an acceptance of what reality is, and an acceptance of who you
are, and how Allah created this system, and where you fit in this
really beautiful, perfect system. So you say, Okay, so I'm female,
and Hamdulillah, I am feminine, I have all these things that come
naturally to me. And this is where I fit in the system of this
beautiful Islamic marriage that is filled with harmony and wisdom. My
husband has certain responsibilities, and he has to
answer to Allah for them. And I have certain other
responsibilities that are different. And I will also answer
to Allah for them. And so I work on my stuff, he works on his
stuff. And the way Allah created us, we are both equipped with for
like, internally equipped by Allah for the optimal performance of our
rules, respectively. So my roles come more naturally to me and
become a little bit easier for me because I'm a woman. And his roles
come a little bit easier and more naturally to him, because he's a
man. So it works beautifully. And then we, you know, life can can
happen, and the marriage keeps going. So basically, you as a
traditional wife, are acting in accordance with Allah system, and
fulfilling the role that he created you for that you are
perfect for Hamdulillah. So it's not a struggle. And of course,
that's not to say that it's all roses and sunshine every day. And
it's never hard. No, it can be difficult, it can be tiring, but
for you and for your husband, and this is what the dunya is, we're
not in Jannah, we're in the dunya. So there will be some difficulties
that are just natural. And we accept that as Muslims, right, we
don't live for the dunya, or in the dunya as the reality, right,
this is the abode of utility of tests and trials. And we just want
to do the best that we can in the place where Allah has placed us.
So we can go to January in sha Allah, and then that is the abode
of luxury of no hardship, of perfect ease every day, right? So
basically, you are seeking the pleasure of Allah, you're a
creator, as a wife, and a mother and a homemaker. And the final
thing I'll say about level one here, the level of pleasing Allah
or seeking the pleasure of Allah in your role as a traditional
wife, this also shows a certain level of talent, that could Allah
Allah, trust in Allah, you trust his system, and you trust his the
perfect wisdom, that with which he made that system. So that is the
first level. And that gives you peace, because you are in line
with the way that Allah has created this system of marriage,
femininity and masculinity, and you've accepted all of it and
you're thankful and grateful to Allah, and you're functioning
perfectly within that system. So that's the first level. The second
level is it brings you peace. Being a traditional wife brings
you peace, because it's you're in sync. You're acting in sync with
your own funeral. So this is a concept that I'm sure
We've all heard before idea of football. fitrah is your,
your natural disposition, your very instinctive, intuitive
inclinations that Allah has embedded deep within you, as a
human being not just as a woman, but as a human being, every human
being has been born on the fifth, right. And we have, you know, the
fifth row is a larger idea that has to do with,
we are all inclined towards, though hate towards monotheism, we
have an inclination towards God, the existence of God, and the
oneness of God. So kind of what Allah Allah, so that is all part
of the human filter. And then specifically, again, we said,
there's a female human nature, and there's a male human nature. And
so the female human nature, part of that your fifth role as a woman
is to do certain things and to play certain roles, again, that
Allah has designed for us, as we said, and so you yourself actually
are happier, embracing your femininity. So aside from the
first level of serving Allah Himself, so kind of about it and
seeking His pleasure. The second level is you're making your own
self in like, genuinely happy. On a certain level, you are happy
because there's no cognitive dissonance, you're acting
perfectly in accordance with your physical and your nature. So
you're not fighting yourself. You're not fighting your nature,
you're not constantly, it's not like a battle to do what cognitive
dissonance basically, where that comes from, is a feeling of unease
and a feeling of tension. Because there's a conflict between the
things that you are saying and doing, like the way that you're
acting or the way that you're living, and the way that you
internally feel, and the way that you actually like your instinct,
right. So if there is, you're acting in a way that is in this
direction, and your instinct is telling you to go in this opposite
direction, you are going to feel the pain of cognitive dissonance,
because you're acting one way, but you really want to go in a
different way. And that kind of conflict is unbearable. For human
beings, it's unsustainable. So as a traditional wife, or traditional
woman, you're basically going in the direction that you're meant to
go. And so again, that cognitive dissonance is lifted, and you
don't feel that.
So basically, you're, you're, you're, there's no, there's no
conflict, there's no clash between your actions. And then your
deepest desires, or your most your most natural intuitions, which is
the fifth all you are relieved of modern dictates that forfeit that
basically force you to forfeit your natural femininity, that kind
of force you to pretend to be the pseudo masculine entity is being
that is very, like, more masculine than even men, right? Where you're
disagreeable, you are aggressive, combative, argumentative,
ruthless, no mercy, things like this, right, which is how many
women sadly, are forced to be in the corporate world, like in
certain environments, right? To get ahead, you have to be
cutthroat, you have to be more competitive than the men in order
for you to make it as a woman in certain fields, right? To be a
CEO, like a female CEO, or female,
you know, a female judge or a female, you know, president of a
company or whatever it is, right? You have to almost outperform the
men, and you have to outman the men, you have to be more manly
than they are, so they can take you seriously. Otherwise, if
you're soft and feminine, that you're not going to be taken quite
as seriously as the men that you're surrounded by. So you take
on, you begin to take on certain level of masculinity, and you
begin to harden yourself a little bit to match them. And again, that
is a reversal of your phibro, that is a suppression of your true
feelings. And your true identity as a woman and your femininity
starts to get tamped down, or kind of suppressed. And you do that
because you feel like you have to because of the environment where
you are.
And so being a traditional wife, it gets rid of all that. You're
basically freed, you are freed, you are liberated. And you can
you're allowed to embrace your femininity, your natural state of
being you're human nature, you are allowed to be as Allah has made
you to be. And that feeling is really beautiful. You can be
naturally feminine. You can be soft, nurturing, dignified,
loving, you can be empathetic, have empathy, sympathy for people,
you can be nurturing and nourishing. And you can be
peaceful, and soft and sweet. And all of those things, right? You
don't have to be hard and you don't have to pretend to have no
weaknesses. And you don't have to pretend to be invulnerable. No,
you're free to show your vulnerability naturally, with your
the people that you love in the environment of your own home, your
own family, your own loved ones. And there's something again,
beautiful and freeing and peaceful about that because basically, it's
almost like you're wearing a mask at work in or in that corporate
environment or in that aggressive environment. You're what you're
wearing this mask of like pseudo masculinity, right? And then you
can take off that mask when you go home and you're allowed to be
feminine. So there's something again, beautiful about that. And
you feel free like genuinely free and
out in that fake monitor and kind of freedom way.
So you don't have to hide any parts of yourself to project a
certain false image, or a certain fake bravado that you're not
really feeling. But you got to put on you got to project that a lot
of bravado for people to take you seriously right. So your role as a
woman lets you do all of these things, traditional woman and your
role models for this for how to be soft, how to be feminine, how to
be beautiful, internally, I mean, externally beautiful, but also
internally beautiful, and how to be kind and loving. And again,
this very distinctly specifically feminine way your role models are,
you know, none other than the best women of mankind. The best for
women. Who are they? There are four women who are the best women
that Allah has ever created in this dunya. Right. Can anybody
anybody named them you guys know? I'm sure you guys are already know
this.
Yes, Khadija, Allahu Anhu the wife of the Prophet sallallahu Sallam
the first one. And then Maria Maria Omega on your longline hat
Sef, the wife of Iran, or the Allahu anha, and then a faulty map
into Mohammed, Allah, his thought was salam was one of the law one.
Yes. So the four best women, they were all known not as CEOs, not as
business women, not as Harvard professors or Princeton
professors.
They were known as wives first and foremost, and some of them as
mothers.
Maryam is the only exception, obviously, who was not a she was a
mother, but she was not a wife, but that's part of the miracle,
the miracle of the birth of reset Alehissalaam and Allah has made
this he has made it he said in his mother, maybe a man a for all of
mankind for all time, right? So but she was known and revered for
her role as this amazing mother of this blessed blessed son, one of
the best human beings that Allah has created a Salah he said,
Right. Khadija known as a wife and a mother, a wife of the best man
Allah has ever created. Rasul Allah Himself. Hello, he's so
personal, and mother to six children. And she cooked and she
claimed that she raised his children and she she was a
traditional wife, and
ESEA probably Allah Juana. She was also the wife but of a dictator,
of a tyrant of an unjust man, who was out here saying things like an
Arab woman will Allah right, I am your highest Lord. But she had she
would have knowingly, right? She was having none of that. And she
understood that Allah was her Lord, her husband, if your home
was not God, and she was worshipping God Himself, she was a
monotheist. And she raised, she was the foster mother of who, one
of the best men to ever walk this earth again. And this This time,
it's Musa is Sarah, right? One of the Rasul. And so she raised, she
was a believing woman who raised a beautiful, blessed, believing son
who grew up to be a prophet, and messenger of Allah who Salah
Salem. And of course, we have Fatima raga Allah and her mentor
Rasul who was the daughter, the youngest daughter of Prophet
Muhammad Sallallahu wasallam. And she also has a wife and a mother
that very devoted, very dedicated, a very traditional woman she, we
have so many narrations where she was cooking and cleaning, grinding
the wheat, making bread, taking care of chores at home and running
her household and raising it Hessonite Hussein and her she has
four children, two daughters and two sons, Mashallah. And her she
was the wife of one of the most righteous, most beautiful
companions of the prophets, Eliza lamp highly human, are the Allah
whining, right? So again, wives and mothers, traditional wives,
traditional mothers, traditional homemakers. This is part of our
fitrah. And these are role models. So we don't have to go for to look
for role models, or women for us to emulate. These are the best
women from the Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu wasallam. These
are the four women that Allah has elevated above the rest of the
human women that Allah has created in this dunya. So it's really
beautiful. And these were the roles that they are known for.
Known for that they are cherished, for that we all respect them for
myself.
Okay, so we talked about the first level of worshiping Allah and
seeking His pleasure through these roles, a second level of being in
sync with your own fitrah being in line with your own internal human
nature, and your femininity. And so that gives you a certain
pleasure and a certain fulfillment and a certain sense of freedom to
be yourself and to be who you really are. Now, the level that is
next. The third level, is being a traditional wife brings you peace,
because it brings peace to the marriage, meaning your husband is
happy. As a traditional wife, if again, if he's a sound, man of
sound, fifth row and sound, intellect and sound character he's
a normal healthy man.
He is going to be a traditional Muslim man who wants to be a
traditional husband. And he wants you to be a traditional wife. He's
hoping for a traditional feminine wife, right? That's what he is
looking for. That's what he prizes more than anything. That's what he
wants from his wife above all else. So he's going to be happy
because he gets what he most wants, and what he most needs a
feminine, soft, agreeable, you know, compassionate wife, who is
nurturing and supportive of him. And he basically, he will get from
you certain things that he like, critically needs that are vital to
his performance of his role. And those things that he needs from
you are your respect, your support, your nurturing your
validation of him, your emotional availability,
your loyalty, and your love, right? These are things that he
finds absolutely essential. And without those things from you, his
wife, he suffers, he really suffers, he needs those things.
Because I think something that we overlook, maybe as women
is sometimes we think, well men even have feelings, like those
creatures that Allah created. I mean, God knows what they're
thinking and knows how they feel. Do they even feel anything, you
know, because they sometimes they can be stoic. And they're not as
talkative as we are. They're not as communicative we communicate,
we talk, I talk a lot, you know, I talk a lot more than my husband.
And so sometimes I think, as women, we fall into this mindset
of like, didn't may even feel anything, you know, but they do.
They feel deeply, just as deeply as we do. But they don't talk
about it as much as we do. And they don't feel everything in the
same way that we feel, of course, again, we have to respect their
masculinity, and respect our femininity, but they certainly do
have feelings. And they certainly have needs, and they need us to
fulfill certain roles and play certain roles in their lives as
our husbands and without us doing those things. For them, and with
them. The men really suffer, even if they suffer in silence, but
your husband really needs you to do certain things. And to help him
with certain things in your beautiful, soft, feminine way.
Right? So
and so the idea is he, he needs you to be trustworthy, he wants to
trust you and to depend on you. And this is something that you
also want from him. It's neutral, right? It's a two way thing. The
wife wants to be able to trust and depend on her husband and rely on
him in a very specific way that we're all aware of right,
financially physical protection for him to be the provider. So we
depend on him for that. And it's actually one of those things where
modernity will have you scared, it'll have you like, not really
trust him. Like, most men, these men out here can't be trusted this
man, he's gonna be like a deadbeat husband, that'd be dead, you
better go out on work, make your own money stand on your own two
feet, just in case, right? But so there's no trust. So this idea of
feminism, modern liberal feminism, it eats away at that trust that we
women have in our men, but also the man he also wants to be able
to trust you. And what the irony or the sad part is, you know, a
non traditional kind of feminist liberal woman is usually not very,
like the man is a free to trust her. Why? Because she can use the
system against him. Again, we talked, we're talking about this
feminist age that we're living in the gynocentric system that we're
embedded in, which you know, can turn a wife like that she can flip
on a dime, and take her husband to court, divorce him for all he's
worth, take him to the cleaners, et cetera, et cetera, right? So he
wants to be able to trust you. That's one of the most precious
things to him in this day, and age wants to be able to depend on you.
And what people call this, a wife that is trustworthy and loyal to
her husband, and she'll stick to stick by him no matter what. One
thing that people call this kind of in, like the pop culture
reference, or like a, you know, modern reference that we hear is
She's a ride or die chick, right? You as a wife, or like a ride or
die chick, you're with him, you're in sha Allah, like with him for
the long haul, you're in it till the end, Inshallah, you're not,
you're not fickle. You're not going to turn on him any second
and say, Huh, this is over. I'm out. You know, I'm taking the
kids, I'm taking the money. Now. And this is not by the Islamic
marriage, or traditional marriage. It has. There's a longevity there,
and a mutual trust where you trust Him and He trusts you. And you're
both loyal, and you're both in it for the long term.
And then what happens when you give him these things? What does
he give you? You know, subhanAllah I know there's different sessions
that sister and I in my head that you guys have already heard and
seen, where different speakers especially our brothers, the males
were talking about exactly this, but just to summarize, a man, a
husband who gets this type of love, devotion and respect from
his wife. He will give her literally everything that he's
capable of giving. You will lay down his life for her very
literally because he is
I'm going to protect her, you know, including to the point of
sacrificing himself. Again, why do men do this? They're different
from us. Allah has created them with this instinct, this
protective instinct, this masculine protectiveness where
they are compelled to protect their women and their children and
their families, you know, to the point where they might self
sacrifice. And they that's okay, this is how men are in Salah
designer. And it's really beautiful. This is a part of
masculinity that is incredibly beautiful and powerful. So he'll
give you that he will protect you with his life, he'll give you
everything he has to give, you will treat you with love and
kindness and kind of cherish you and show you like how much he
appreciates you. You know, when you show him, how much you respect
him and how much you're in it with him, and how much you're basically
you're all the way you're gonna go all the way with him. And he will
give you that back in speeds. So Subhanallah this is it's really
beautiful.
I've heard, I was watching a YouTube video recently. And what
it was something about like something about this, the topic of
masculine men, and what men look for in you know, a wife, you know,
especially in this day and age, where it's hard to trust, and it's
hard to find someone who's compatible, etcetera, in this
traditional way, and it was non Muslims. But one of the comments
that stood out at me, under the video, somebody, a man said it was
like a non Muslim man. And he said, If I find a traditional
feminine wife, I will give her everything, I'll lay my life down
for her. And if she says if she just cooks me a warm meal, and
just like is at home, taking care of the home and the kids. And if
she's just like, well cook me on, you know, a warm meal for me to
come home to after a long day at work, I will go outside and shoot
the sun down for her if she says that it's too hot, you know, as
Pamela this hyperbole, but it really stuck with me. This is the
sentiment of a man. This is the sentiment of a grateful husband,
who is grateful for his wife for her being feminine for her being
traditional for her being a woman and being in her role that Allah
has created her for. And again, this is not just for us as Muslims
like it's just like just in rd No, this is human nature across the
board. This is all traditional societies, Muslim non Muslim
societies. This is Allah how this how Allah created human beings and
how he created men and women.
Okay, so that is how your marriage basically becomes peaceful, you
will become His peace, his serenity, his tranquility, he'll
come home to you tired, exhausted from a long day of work, and you
can kind of soothe his worries away, he can find comfort in you
is what Allah tells us in the Quran. There's many, many aids
that point to this, what basically in for the sake of time,
what Allah points to in the Quran very often, to describe the sense
of peace and comfort that the husband finds in a wife. Allah
says Leah, schooner Isla vs Guna, Elijah, so he can dwell in
serenity and tranquility and find comfort in her and with her right.
And again, it comes from Lord Sakina. Remember, I said being a
traditional wife gives you that sense of Sakina. And part of that
is this level number three, where you are your husband's Sakina, and
you find Sakina. With him, you find comfort and tranquility and
serenity with him. And you also give that to him too. So now the
fourth level.
The fourth different tier that we're talking about here, of why
being a traditional wife, a traditional mother gives you
peace, and it brings you this contentment. It's because you are
functioning in your role. That is
one of the most important roles that you have, which is raising
children. Well, your children are your biggest priority once you've
had children. And of course, once you've taken care of your rights
towards Allah, your rights towards yourself as as a slave of Allah,
and your rights towards your husband, then your children have
one of the greatest set of rights on you or over you, right? You
bring children into this world martial law, you become a mother,
there's a lot that you have to do. There's a lot of different things
that you have to give to those children.
As of course, Allah tells us and of course your children have you
have rights over your children obedience and goodness and they
have to be dutiful to you, but you also have to raise them, well, you
have a big job ahead of you. And when you when you are a
traditional Mother, you are allowed the time and the space to
be fully present. Right? You are fully you give your children the
gift of your full presence, your full attention, your full
intentionality, and your full love. And this is something that
children absolutely need. They feel a certain level of security
and warmth. Because you're present in the home because you're there
to raise them and not have you know, outsource basically the
raising of your children to other people. Sometimes very often. It's
the strangers right, strangers at the daycare, the stranger who's a
man
Coming in to take care of your child while you leave to go to
work or a babysitter or whoever, right? So children, they need the
security of having a trusted adult I either mother or their father,
but usually it will be the mother because the father is at working.
Again, if we're talking about the traditional lifestyle, that's how
it's going to be. And it gives them so many things. So canola, we
don't like this by itself, raising of children can be its own
separate topic that we can go on for hours about, but for now will
suffice it suffice to say that children have basically they
suffer a lot, when the mother Mom is not there, especially if the
more she's absent, the more they suffer. And there's so many
different ideas that we can talk about one idea is orientation,
which is Dr. Gabor Ma Tei, talks a lot about this. But the idea of
orientation is it's a basic human need basic human instinct that we
all have at birth, when we're born, we need someone to orient us
in the world. It's almost like, if you were to travel, and you were
to go to a city, in a country where you have never been before,
you don't speak the language, you can't read the street signs,
because you don't know the language. And you don't know a
single soul in that city, you have no idea where you are. And you're
disoriented, right, you know, that feeling of being totally
disoriented, and like completely lost and you look around, you
don't recognize a thing, right? In that scenario, even as adults, you
will need orientation. You want somebody to come and orient you to
show you the way give you directions tell you where to get
food, tell you where to get something to drink, tell you where
you can go to, you know, sleep or rest, where you can find shelter,
things like this. This is how a baby feels much more intensely
upon birth. Upon entering this dunya the baby needs a an adult, a
human being to orient him or her when they enter this dunya.
Otherwise, they're completely lost. A human baby is completely
helpless and dependent totally on the mother and the father, to not
only orient them in the world, but also for sheer survival, for food
for shelter for care, otherwise, the baby won't make it right. This
is how Allah designed the human being are unlike other animals are
born and they already are able to stand up, or they're already able
to walk, right? Human beings are not like that we're totally
helpless when we enter this dunya. So the role of the mother is so
significant, because you're giving your child from day one that
orientation that they so desperately need on a very
instinctive, basic level.
And then another thing called attachment, of course, I think
there was a session already done about this idea of attachment, how
to create secure attachments. And there's a lot of different things
with like different studies in psychology and different
researchers who have looked into attachment theory. But basically,
attachments are how we relate to other human beings in
relationships that we're in. So for example, in your marriage, or
in your friendships, or even in your relationships with your
siblings, some of the most chaotic, dysfunctional
relationships that we have platonic or marriage kind of
romantic relationships, they those dysfunctional relationships, they
come from us having unhealthy attachments, or basically we are
unable to attach in a normal healthy sound way to the other
person. So we either are too clingy, and we suffocate the other
person, or too distant, and we push away the other person,
because we don't really know how to attach, because we don't have a
secure attachment system. And this comes from very, a very, very
young age. This comes from very often, you guessed it, or
childhood, and how we were able to attach or how we were unable to
attach to our mother. That's the first, basically the first
relationship that precedes all other relationships. But it
affects and it significantly impacts all other relationships.
And it comes from the attachment between the mom and the baby. And
mom and baby, they have a unique, amazing bond that Allah has
created. And we have to respect that. And so again, as a
traditional wife, a traditional Mother, you are allowed to fully
embrace your role and fully take on the responsibility of, you
know, producing that love and trust, where your baby learns
secure attachment with you, your baby and your child as he grows
older into a toddler into a young child into an older child, a
teenager and then an adult. They can learn how to securely attach
to people how to trust how to love and then they can move on from
that and be sound upright, normal, healthy adults who can enter into
functional relationships of their own, and it has to do with you it
goes back to mom, you know, okay. And so in general, not only
attachments, and you're shaping the child's personality in this
way.
But you're also shaping their character, and you're influencing
their, how they communicate. And the biggest thing the biggest
piece, most important is you
are teaching them their Deen you are passing on to them, Islam
teaching them how to pray, how to read the Quran how to make a look.
Can you imagine the edge you imagine the nice Pamela, the level
of reward that you get from Allah inshallah again, if your Nia is
there, your Nia is pure, it's for Allah sake, you teach your child
how to make will go and pray. Every time that child makes all
the will and praise, you get some of the edge without Of course your
child losing any edge, as we know from the heady right, and Daniela
Heidecker fairy, the person who guides to you or shows the higher
the good, is like the one who does it, right. So you showing them how
to do hide, like pray report and anything any act of worship, you
are like the one who is doing it, which is when your child does it,
you get the same edge, right? So it's really beautiful. And so in
the end your mission as a mother, in this fourth level here, when it
has to do with children, you are raising strong, morally upright
believers, many who have good physical, emotional, mental,
psychological, and spiritual health. And there's something very
beautiful in that. And there's basically nothing more worthwhile
than that.
And then the fifth and final level that we want to talk about is
something much bigger than yourself much greater than even
you raising your generation of children, like the next generation
of believers, which is so noble and so beautiful. But there's
actually something more noble, more beautiful than that, which is
when you think long term, thinking strategically, well into the
future, about
your progeny, about your descendants, about generation
after generation after generation of your descendants and your
lineage. Basically, there's there's a word for this in Arabic
is Boulia. For Ria, your authorea is your lineage, generation after
generation after generation, like years and years from now, you're
the LEA is not just limited to your children, your biological
children, children that you yourself give birth to. They're a
part of your area, but also to children. So your grandchildren or
your the LEA as well. And their children and their children's
children that that is your theory, your nests, basically your
lineage, all the people who come from you, right? So this is now
we're thinking super far into the future. And it's much higher and
much more lofty than even just thinking about not only yourself,
but even your own family, your own nuclear family. Now we're getting
a lot more comprehensive than that we're zooming out. And when we
zoom out and look at the big picture, there's we see that this
is a pattern in Islam. And it's actually mentioned very, very
often in the Quran, there is a focus a very specific focus on
future generations on progeny and offspring, this idea of the rear
by all of the biggest prophets, and it's so amazing to see, but
basically Ibrahim alayhi salam, he was focused on his to Rhea. Rhea,
when Allah in Sorrento, Vikram Allah told Ibrahim alayhi salam in
Niger localness mmm, Allah testinside neighbor or him as a
neighbor, he passed all of the tests with flying colors. And
Allah says in the gyro Cardenas Imam, I am making you an Imam, for
all people, for humanity. And Ibrahim, you know what the first
thing that Ibrahim says? He says to Allah wa mean the reality? And
what about my descendants? What about generations of the offspring
that I will have not just my own children now but my jewelry,
right? Again, this idea of generation after generation into
the future? This is something that was a lot. I mean, like looming
concern that if our humanity said I'm always had, and we see this
also with Yaqoob.
When Yaqoob also lay on his deathbed, he says to he gathered
his sons around him. And he said, Matt, how you doing? I mean,
badly. Oh, Luna will Isla hecho ala ik, right, and continue to so
longer area. But basically, when the Apple Valley Center, lay dying
on his deathbed, he asked his children, what will you worship
after me? And he was basically wanting to make sure he wanted
reassurance that his children were going to stay on Islam and pass on
Islam, to the progeny to the descendants and the future
generations and they said, they answered correctly. Mashallah, the
answer that we all hope to hear as parents as Muslim parents raising
Muslim children, they said, We will wish we worship your Lord and
the Lord of your fathers Ibrahim, what you smell you always have
either hand were hidden when you learn Muslim on a single god, one
one singular, God. Yeah. And to him, we are Muslims. To him. We
are in full submission. This is what we want. This is what we are
trying to do. This is our same mission as Muslim parents in our
day and age today. So Pamela, it's the same as in the time will be
Brahim Alehissalaam were over here. He sat down with us how I
use them. And we see the same
thing with Acadiana. He's so Cadia when he was getting older and
older, he had no children. He had no idea. He didn't want the line
to end with him. His wife was barren. He says, What can I do
Marathi. And my wife is barren, she is infertile, she's unable to
have children.
And he says he laments to align this amazing beautiful diet. He,
he laments his old age, you know, when I mean the US Dollar Shave,
he describes, you know, his state of old age, and his the state of
his body now that he's, he's an old man. He says, My bones have
grown weak, and fragile, and my hair has become white. And then he
says, For heavily me, I don't care. Walia here economy where you
come in earlier hope, as this is really beautiful as a career. But
the underhive or SLM, he tells Allah, I become old, my life is
barren. But I beg you a lot, I asked you for the gift of a child,
an heir, who is going to inherit me and inherit from the people of
Yaqoob, a tribe of Yaqoob. Why? Because he wanted to pass on
Islam. He wanted Islam to move through the generations past as
accurately and as clearly and as faithfully as he received. And
this is exactly our mission, right? So when you zoom out, and
you see this big picture, you see how important your role is, how
worthwhile this whole endeavor is, you basically, you want to be able
to stand before Allah, on the day of judgment. And truthfully, say,
I'd love to resell, you know, I have,
I have accurately and faithfully and fully delivered the message to
the best of my ability I have passed on Islam, to my children
and my progeny. And I've done that for your sake, your Allah. We
don't want Islam to end with us, we want to pass the baton, and
kind of continue the legacy of Rasulullah, sallAllahu, alayhi,
wasallam. And his to have everything they fought for
everything, they died for, everything they died upon, we want
to die upon the same thing, you know, and just carry on that same
mission as Muslim parents, but specifically for us as Muslim
mothers living in this day and age where everything is so crazy and
SubhanAllah. modernity is, you know, telling us certain things.
And life is the way that it is in society set up the way it is. Even
despite all that and all those kinds of realities and all those
setbacks, to traditional ways of thinking and the traditional
mindset, we still want to do the same thing. And we do it for the
sake of Allah. And so that's what I'm going to leave you guys with.
So I hope that that made sense. I tried to organize my my kind of
argument, or my line of thinking in the most hopefully organized,
coherent way so that you guys can, you know, understand it and grasp
it. So the idea is being a traditional wife and living this
basically in this traditional type of marriage as a wife and a mother
and a homemaker, and a woman at home who's queen of her own
domain. This is so beautiful, because it brings you this amazing
level of inner peace, tranquility, and Sakeena that is impossible to
get from anywhere else because of these five levels that we talked
about. So there's like more low higher and we can take any
questions or
whatever you guys have a local crisis. I love the way you said I
hope it made sense when you had mashallah like, you know, when you
started outside, that's the Harvard grad right there. Just
like I'm gonna put this in order Masha Allah
Alfredo, I think, some really great comments in the YouTube
mashallah, mainly because as we all know, you know, the whole idea
of being a traditional wife is something that is almost a taboo
topic now. And it's definitely not something that is respected in
general in general society, and, and, you know, people don't want
to do it, you know, just don't want to do it. They'd rather be
doing something else. Subhanallah This is not glamorous. No, it's
not cool. Yeah, it's not glamorous, it's it doesn't have
you know, the, the it's not in Instagram worthy, as they say. But
here inshallah we keep having these conversations we keep, you
know, talking to the adults, the parents, but hoping that that's
going to trickle down to the children. So before I let you go,
Inshallah, and we move forward with the program. I just have one
question, if you could indulge us for a few minutes. Yes,
absolutely.
The younger generation coming up, who did not grow up with the
tarbiyah that maybe your children, for example, have grown up with?
Especially the daughters? What do we tell them?
Is there a conversation starter? Is there somewhere where the whole
conversation needs to start because obviously these are girls
and you know, we were talking about this yesterday, the
programming in terms of the feminist programming starts very
young people think that it's a teenage thing. It's no it's from
the cartoons from when they're young. The whole everything in the
society is basically built in from you know, from from
come from a very young childhood. So we've got girls been through
school, they're clever, educated, you know, they've got prospects
and that kind of thing.
And, you know, I had girls come to me from practicing families, and
they've been to university, they are working, still living at home.
The girls, Mashallah. But they did not understand why they should get
married at all, let alone be what their mom is, which is a
traditional wife. Right? So what's, how do we start having
that conversation? That's a very big question. It's a very
important question. I think this is the question actually, that we
should be addressing? Because this is the dilemma of our times. How
do we make it interesting again, how do we make it something that
anybody would want to be right? Any girl in her right mind is like
I will be, I wouldn't be caught dead. You know, I wouldn't be
caught dead being a wife other than that housewife.
I would even the words like homemaker and housewife. They're
so like, quaint and old school and old fashioned like, right, so all
of what you're saying is true, because it starts very, very
young. were indoctrinated before we can even realize what is
happening to us. And I've been there done that myself. So I
totally understand.
I don't have the perfect answer. But I would say
that it like one way to go about this is to engage in the feelings
of the woman that you're talking to the young girl or the young
woman that you're addressing, because I think sometimes what
happens is we have learned to suppress our feelings we have
learned to suppress and this is my whole point about suppressing
femininity, and having this projected image, we project
outward, this bravado of masculinity. But what happens what
reality in reality, what happens is, we basically we are turning
ourselves as women, we are turning ourselves into subpar men, but not
good men, not strong men, but because we're not men. So the
sudden, we don't want that anyway, we don't actually want to be that
strong man who protects and provides and is responsible for
everything. We don't want that pot. It's not in our nature. It's
not our nature. We don't want it we don't like it. But we are
forced by circumstance, again, by all the indoctrination, all the
messaging that goes in here. So we are forced to suppress our inner
human nature in our female human nature, the femininity, that we're
basically overflowing with what we're all more forced to just put
a lid on it, and like tamp down and pretend I did this for years.
That's how I know I did this. When I was humbled. I didn't take me
too, too long. But you know, throughout my high school years,
and most of my college years, I was just like, Yeah, I'm a
feminist. I don't need no man, I independent, I'm empowered, blah,
blah, blah, I'm gonna graduate college, and I'm gonna get my PhD
and all of these things, right. So, but what I learned is, it was
exhausting. It's emotionally draining, because my emotions
internally are saying the opposite. They're telling me the
opposite from what I'm seeing with my mouth. And it's that cognitive
dissonance will drive you crazy. So what I think we should do with
our young sisters growing up, I think we should just say, Look, I
know what you've been told makes sense. We've learned to
rationalize certain things. Well, I don't need a man because he can
cheat on me, or beat me up or be abusive. What if it's toxic
masculine? What if he married a second wife? What if he What if
he's a deadbeat, right? So these are all fears, and they're seeds
of mistrust that have been kind of placed in the hearts and minds of
women. But they are also and you know, there's risk in everything.
But we've learned to hyper focus on that risk. And we've learned to
rationalize things like, okay, therefore, just like, rationally,
if I don't want those things to happen to me, then I'm going to be
on my own, I don't need no man, I'm not going to get married, I'm
going to have kids, I'm going to have my career and blah, blah,
blah, I'm going to travel, go with my girlfriends, and they have this
mental image of what their life is going to be like. But again, it's
all rational. It's all like they're trying to rationalize
certain things. So I would say, one tack one path that we can take
to say, Okay, I understand why you why you think that and why you
believe that? Because of everything you've been told and
all your fears. But how do you feel like how do you actually
feel? I know, part of it is you feel fear, I get that people
totally respect that. But aside from the fear, if we can peel back
the layer of fear, how do you feel underneath and the fitrah will
come out? I hope, I suspect, and I genuinely hope that is the filter
is still there. If it hasn't been totally corrupted or completely
warped, it will kind of bubbled to the surface, it'll be allowed to
breathe and finally make it to the surface and say, I want to be
happy. I want to fall in love. That's what I want. You know, I
mean, we're not allowed to say that because that denotes
weakness. You know, you want a man Oh my God, that's like, You're too
weak and feeble to figure out life on your own. Gross, you know?
Like, you know, that's all you think. Well, I used to think that
oh, marriage is for women who are too weak to
figure out life on their own. And they're too stupid to like make it
by themselves. So they need to, like, depend on a man and like,
cling to the arm of a man. No thanks. Yeah, that's really what I
used to think like freshman year of college. That was me, you know,
but it's not about being too stupid and being too weak to make
it on your own. It's like, what will bring you happiness? Do you
want to be alone? is loneliness gonna make you happy? Or is being
with a man who loves you a strong, masculine, you know, righteous man
who loves you and showers you with love gives you compliments is
romantic. It's you know this and that having children having a baby
of your own? Is that going to make you happy or being tough and
strong? Is what's what's going to make you happy fighting your way
through life, music, what does your heart really want? And I
think hopefully, the conversation can kind of start moving along.
But I would start it in this way as opposed to well, why don't you
think about this and the statistics? Because I think if
you're not the logic base, so not like a rational argument for not
postponing marriage, you don't think that that's the way to go?
Well, I'm not I think that also has its place actually, that
actually, I think I actually admire that a lot. And I respect
that. And I think that is very, very important. Because I think
sometimes the other side of it is that we as women, we are emotional
beings, and we sometimes think too much with our feelings. In fact,
that's one of the main problems is we over feeling and our feelings,
my feelings, everything, you know, like, yes. Don't even get me
started on this like feeling oh, we can't do that today. Next time.
We will do the dissection of that Inshallah, right, but start like,
just to, to, it's almost like you just want to scratch the surface.
Yeah. And I think you can disarm a lot of people, because they have
they have this armor, right? Like, no, no, I'm never gonna be
vulnerable. I'm gonna keep myself safe by God, whatever I have to
and yeah, it's, that's that's the armor, isn't it? Right. So you
want to take off the armor very gently and very slowly, and just
say, Look, I get it, I get how you while you're thinking the way that
you're thinking. But if we can put that aside for just a second, just
take off your armor, this iron that you're wearing around your
entire body and your head and your heart, if you can just take it and
put it, take it off and put it aside for one second. And just
tell me about your true feelings. And maybe that can bring about
your kinds of instinctive feelings and intuitions that are natural to
any woman. And then I do think that once someone kind of is
allowed to, is given the space and the kind of permission to talk
about that, and get in touch, kind of get back in touch with their
roots and their femininity and say, No, I want to I want to
experience love. I would love to experience romance. I want to be
married happily married to a good man. I want children. Yeah, you
know, then you can say okay, okay. And then there's also other
things, the rational logical stuff of you know, we all have to die.
Do you want to die alone? These are the statistics, you know, is
your PhD going to be with you on your deathbed? Is it going to
carry the legacy? Your legacy? Like, what are you working so hard
for? What is life about? Right? What is life about? You know, we
have coach for Fatima in waiting in the wings. So since I've just
brought you on as a panelist, but I wanted to share with you
something that I said to, you know, some young girls that were
speaking to me, and I said, You know what, you know, they're
saying, look, I've got a great life, I've got my degree, in a
great field, you know, I'm making progress in that field. I live at
home. So I've got tons of money. I go out with my friends, I have a
great life, like, why would I want to get married and stop all of
that. And I said to them, that you need to think strategically as a
young woman, right? You don't have forever for your peak years,
especially when it comes to finding a mate and having babies
right. We know this goes, we don't have to rehash that, you're now
about 20 to 23, you're like at the ideal time, okay to find the kind
of man that you're looking for, and to have babies with ease and
sha Allah, right, as many as you want. Now, you could invest the
next five to 10 years of your life in your career.
But all that will happen is that by the end of that you have
gained, maybe more in your career, maybe more money, lots of
memories, but nothing else. So you've traveled and you've done
this, and you've done that, and you've got loads of memories, but
you have nothing else beyond that you haven't invested actually in
your future. Whereas if you spend the next five to 10 years of your
life, securing a mate, building a family and having babies, you have
actually invested in your future in a very real way. You will still
have memories, they'll just be different memories, you may still
work along the side, and you can go back to your position you can
go back and you can retrain and you could go back into your field.
But what you'll have at the end of that 510 year investment, career
or family incomparable
think they they always say you know, you're reminding me of the
kind of you know, everybody we hear this sometimes I agree with
it, like you are not irreplaceable at your job. In fact, you're quite
replaced
Simple. If you quit today, or you're fired, they will get rid of
you like that and replace you with someone just like you tomorrow,
but you are irreplaceable at home. If you are not a mother, you are
not a wife. We can't replace you. We can't just say okay by your
fire, we'll get another wife and mother Mother, it doesn't work
that way. It doesn't have hamdulillah until they start
delivering wives and mothers and Amazon. I think we have we have
this position on luck inshallah oncologists are located and guys
on pilot is on Facebook only right?
Yes. And Lesnar Institute is where I have wife school, just like we
want to pay for mentioning that as well earlier. But yes, wife school
is if you go to a listener.org or lesson institute.org That's the
institute that I have I helped my husband with and it's just online
you can take the courses on demand. And one of the courses
that you might be interested in if you're interested in this topic is
wife school. Basically the daughters in wife school. Roll
your daughters in the wife school if you cannot teach her Let me
teach air hollows? Yes, we'll put the links to that inshallah. In
the description. Zack Hello. Hayden says thank you so much for
joining us this evening. May Allah bless you with every Claire and
insha Allah. Allah Allah gives us Tofik maybe end of next year. You
and I can do our thing that we've been talking about initial I love
it. I would love it just like my sister name is having me it's been
my pleasure and honor to join and just like a law heifer Vicki says
hello Hayden. Fantastic. Yay hamdulillah All right guys. Cool.
On we go on we go on we go coach Fatima Where are you my dear, Let
me bring you on. Insha Allah those of you who are on YouTube, if
you're watching and you haven't subscribed, you know what you need
to do subscribe to the channel like the video and share the link.
Coach Fatima is here. We had the pleasure of her husband's company
in the morning and her co wives company in the morning and now
she's here Mashallah. Talking about how to share your husband
without losing your mind. So as soon as coach vitaminas video is
on inshallah we will start and she will start the recording but in
the meantime guys would love to see your takeaways from on pilots
talk and definitely do look out for L escenas. Course wife school
very very beneficial course insha Allah and then also my podcast
with salad about what you know what on what is a woman? Very,
very interesting conversation there as well. And yeah, put
put a knot Yes. Put a Devo in the chat if you'd like to see I'm
hired and I do a show together we are thinking of doing a show where
we react to videos tic TOCs articles specifically on this
issue of womanhood, femininity feminism, etc. So put a depo in
the chat if you guys would like to watch that. We have a lot of fun
talking about this stuff. So I said to her you know why don't we
do something together in sha Allah so we can you know, have these
conversations within the community and bring some of this stuff to
light in sha Allah some of the madness that is out there VIPs are
so quiet this year. I can't believe this Where are you guys
aren't so is that a no from the VIPs VIPs are like no, I do not
like the sound of that. Not interested in that at all.
So I want a co coach Fatima how are you? How are you are there you
are apologies for the wait. Yes, yes, I'm here hamdulillah How are
you sis? Alhamdulillah you are Can I just say and I think everybody
will agree your camera is the best camera in the family today.
If it wasn't for my family it probably would not be
reliable Allah me. Alright, let's let's do it in Sharla let's we're
going to be talking about how to share your husband without losing
your mind. So let me start the recording this Mila and all of you
guys buckle up and share this link. Oh, not to be sharing my
screen momentarily. With everyone I'm gonna, I'm gonna attempt I'm
gonna attempt it says
let's say insha Allah because today is my one of those days when
it comes to tech. And this is the truth. And so I believe that I
believe it's so off we go. But before we do, we're going to take
a deep breath. This is heavy. This is a heavy topic, we know that
we're going to act like it's not. But this is a safe space for us to
talk to one another and for me to talk to you all and it's to have
this platform and hamdulillah decipher welfare. I really
appreciate it and I'm glad to be here. And again for those of you
might not know who I am. I'm I'm Coach Fatima 1/3 of Rostand and
personal relationships. So yes, we're gonna start right now and
I'm gonna polygyny 12 years with my
Awesome call wife and our wonderful husband coach, and
they're a co life coach. And I was, so shout out to them and our
family. So off we go. All right. We're going to share the screen
now.
So, okay,
let's begin.
Let's begin to see to see.
Okay, now
we're gonna start. So how to share your husband, without losing your
mind is the topic. It is something that can happen, I'm not going to
act like it doesn't, however,
however, placing things as Muslims in the proper perspective is
always important. So what does that mean? If we talk about
ownership and who owns or possesses the souls of another,
who has the ability to control and possess another one soul and have
ownership of it, it's a law. He's the only one. He owns our spouses.
He owns everything in his creation. And beyond that, so when
I was asked to be on this platform, I said, there are so
many sisters that this is a difficult topic, because
change is scary. Change can be scary, because we don't have
control over change. So when we know that we don't have control
over it, we get nervous. We don't understand what to do. We kind of
like a deer in headlights, our emotions can be all over the
place. Because the perspective that we're presenting our own
selves with can change, it can go through, Oh, I feel great. This is
going to happen. This should happen. I humbly lost no problem.
And then when you get to it when you get down to polygyny, and
you're actually actively in it, your feelings might change or even
your logic around it, or surrounding it might change. I had
to do something that was very important in my own life. And that
was being very careful about what I said to myself about myself
about my spouse, about my co wife about our family about polygyny,
because I said, Well, polygyny doesn't really have the power was
it set down to hurt me? Was it sent to destroy me? Was it
something that this word did have so much control over my behavior?
And then I discovered it doesn't. I have control over my behavior,
how I perceive my marriage and how I perceive polygyny, something
that Allah subhanaw taala allowed. So sometimes the argument is not
whether it's okay or not, it's how to be in control of ourselves when
we feel like we're on that emotional roller coaster. And one
of the major things. This was huge that I actually did in my own
life, was that I said, Well,
what is the timeline? What is the color of Allah for me and for not
only me, but for my husband? So I said, Okay, if my life was written
already, and I knew what was, we knew what was going to happen
already in our lives, then
why would I think I could erase certain aspects of someone else's
life and go, well know that I'm supposed to be here, but no one
else. That's not how it works. So if I'm sitting in my own marriage,
and then my husband says, you know, he wants to practice
polygyny, or he does practice polygyny.
Then I go, Okay, what, where does that leave me? What do I need to
do? And what I've learned that I needed to do was become closer
with Allah in this in this journey. And I said, Well,
Allah is constantly redirecting me my whole life. And especially as I
became Muslim, and I understood, he's gonna redirect me in many
different ways. He might redirect me in a car crash that I had many,
many years ago. And I said, Well, I'm glad I'm more grateful for my
life. That I made it out of it because I hit my head pretty hard.
And then marriage. That was a massive milestone because the
family I came from didn't like polygyny. They didn't like
polygyny didn't like Islam. They didn't want me to be a revert none
of that. So it was difficult. That was a trial. So I said, Well,
these people love me, they'll accept this. No, that's not how it
happened. That's not how it worked. And I said, Well, this is
what Allah wants. For me. This is what I want to be I want to be
Muslim. Why this is oppressive. This is you're gonna have to cover
your hair, you're gonna have to cover your body. Why would you
want this? So moving forward, having a child and experiencing
that pain, you know, and I asked, my grandmother said, How bad is
this going to be? She said, Well, when you feel like you're gonna
die, that's when the baby will come. And so this is, this is
going to be bad.
This is gonna hurt really bad. And I felt very close to my end, as my
very tiny, oldest daughter was born. But it stretched to me. I
said, I had to go through that pain and bring forth life to
experience motherhood. So years down the line, or coaching her
there decided he was going to practice polygyny, I said, I can't
be accepting of, of all these things in my life. And then I get
to this point, because I had to call myself in to account for how
I felt. I said, I can't accept all this stuff. And all these people
are supposed to be here. But at this point in his life, none of
these people are supposed to be here. And that's not true. It just
was merely it was simply not true. And it wasn't from Islam. I said,
this is on his timeline, as the man in the family, he was gonna
have two wives, no matter what, in this moment. Now, the future we
don't know. And I love that, quote, your future needs you your
past doesn't need you that your past, although we don't ignore our
pain, what we've been through what we've overcome, but we just can't
stay there. And I've learned how much staying in the past and
staying in pain from the past was detrimental to my present and my
future. So that quote, made a lot of sense. And I know that that I
sold a slot to Islam, he dealt with the hearts and souls of his
wives. And I said, Well, if they went through so much as as the
people that he loved, who am I to think that that's somehow going to
pass me by, or I won't be stretched that way, or tested
through marriage, just as husbands are tested through marriage,
because I'm a wife in Islam. I'm not a husband in Islam. So I don't
know his world, I don't know the world of men, until men share it.
Or I hear them talk about their world, like my grandfather, my
dad, or and they were not Muslim, they were very far away from from
Islam. However, I could hear some of the stressors that they had as
men, some of the pressures that they had some of the fears, some
of the things that made them happy, and then wanting to say,
Okay, I might be a questionable husband and father, however, I
want to be this kind of person, but I'm just I don't have the
tools. But to know I have Islam, and we have the tools and we have
the sweetness of Islam, I had to start asking myself as an initial
wife better questions about what was supposed to be, which was
always supposed to be on the timeline of cotinine here. On my
timeline, this was always going to be this one comedian said, you
think that you work within this world and you're sitting in the
middle of this auditorium listening to me tell jokes to you.
And he said, we're on a space rock that's just traveling so fast. He
said, If you don't believe me, he said, zoom out. Because we're,
we're in the middle of space, and we're spinning, spinning,
spinning. So his perspective was different than that of his
audience. And he's not Muslim. And I said, so I need to broaden, I
need to broaden what I was allowing to hold me back. I said,
you need to think deeper, 10 levels deep into what this really
is. So the color of Allah and timelines is important. So what I
was speaking about earlier was the intersection of intersecting or
the intersection of fate, we share intersecting time and space with
our husbands. But this is from Allah. So the timeline they have
the people, the children, the wives that they have, the things
that happened to them in their lives, just as things happen to us
in our lives was written it was going to pass. It's about how
we're going to respond to the tests that we have, because we're
all going to pass away, we're all going to die. We're all gonna die.
And
placing it into the proper perspective matters. So I said,
Okay, Fatima, how much more time do you have to heal? How much more
time do you have to learn? How much more time do you have to be
accepting? How much more time do you have to forgive? How much more
time do you have to become the best you that you can be? In
order? That's you and I'm not there yet. I'm not saying I'm
there yet. Inshallah. Every day, every day I'm learning I'll
forever be a student. But I said, How much more time do I have? And
then I said, you don't know. Because you don't own time and you
don't know when Allah subhanaw taala is gonna take your soul,
your husband, your wife, your children, you don't know. Because
if we control the people, if they belong to us, then we could stop
whatever they done, that we don't feel even slightly comfortable
with. They belong to Allah, the people that we love and love us
back belong
To allow my children, my, my extended family, they all do. They
all do. And understanding the importance of that matters to not
losing your mind or losing yourself to what your husband is
doing. That is halau for him the questions we ask ourselves matter.
So
we don't get to we don't get to dictate what Allah allows, and we
require him and Allah does not require us. I didn't realize how
close I was going to become to Allah, after polygyny, or during
polygyny, or once it was announced, with early years of
polygyny, constantly making dua and I asked Allah subhanaw taala,
for two things, I asked a lot for knowledge. And I asked him, to
understand it, to be understanding to be understood and understand
why this is occurring. And I said, this is what a lot wanted, this
was always going to happen. I don't care if I was the best wife
on planet Earth, I don't care if I was
1920, whatever the case may be, it was happening at the at the time
it was to happen, and to be accepting and know that he knows
what we know not.
When I started to grasp what that really meant, instead of
scratching the surface. I said all of these people, all of this big
old family supposed to be here to hear you.
So I didn't get to say, You know what, I'm not accepting of that.
So for example, if if people approached me they have, oh, what
do you do if your husband dies? And there's two of you, and one of
us the legal and that one of us is a lawful wife or whatever, or the
religious wife, whatever. What do you do? What do you do? What are
you going to do? You've been here longer. I said, I do what Islam
and Allah subhanaw taala tells me I must do. So I'm not going to be
on my soapbox and acting like, well, you know, he's gone now. So
you run away, you get away and you don't get anything. That's not my
job.
That's not my job. It's never been my job. It will never be my job.
Because of being intentional about knowing, okay, this is something
that Allah put in the lives of many people, not just three, not
just the OPR coaches. But more than that our children polygyny is
happening to them as well.
So that's important to understand that. So
mastering of our mindset, this, this particular slide
really keeps my head on straight. When I feel as though I'm dealing
in this dunya too much. Indeed, we will we belong to Allah and
indeed, to him, we will return.
I remember going through polygyny initially, and
I had to kind of get these these little pet pep talks from my
grandmother who was not Muslim. And I asked her about some of the
difficulties she had been through in life. And she said something to
me. And she was like, I buried my mother, I can do anything I set my
mind to heal, whatever.
And she had such an extreme response or reaction to her
mother's death that my grandmother was a nurse. So she worked in a
hospital and upon her mother's death, she was so distraught by
her mother's death, that they had to give her a sedative and put her
to sleep.
Because she went screaming.
And I said this, this is what I think about when I heard the title
of this particular event where I'm speaking at this moment, losing
one's mind and loving so deeply. That was when her mother passed
away. And my grandmother stayed in like this kind of haze in this
worship, kind of mold burning candles and things of that nature.
For four years for four years. I remember a dark home around the
fall because she could not deal with that death. And she although
it was not sudden her mother had a stroke and I knew she was going to
pass they just didn't again know the hour. They didn't know the
time. But she was not prepared because guess what she had never
experienced the death of her mother. And someone said to me,
well, Fatima isn't this isn't polygyny for you like death, isn't
it like your husband died? And I said no part of him died. He's a
full well alive. A humbling Ah, did it feel great initially? No,
because I didn't feel like I had the tools
But I knew that I had to. And I've said it before, I didn't
understand that. I was like, Oh, I'll make the offer him. I'll make
the offer the situation khoy children, all of these people
except for me. And then I started to make go off for myself too.
That I needed help that I needed to cry that I needed to call on a
law because I couldn't and didn't have the tools at the time to be
productive in it, not right away, not right away. But I said if I
keep praying, and if I keep asking a lot, it gives me understanding
of polygyny, not my husband and polygyny, necessarily but polygyny
as a subject as a lifestyle, how can it be done in a way in which
it would be in a healthy way, because we hear so many horror
stories? So I didn't want to come from that space.
And it and stay there because it didn't feel good to stay there and
hurt there. And one day I said, No, I'm not doing this. This is
not healthy for our family. This is not healthy for us, I need to
get in, in my life and be a solution within my life. And I had
to move on from there. And again, it's still a work in progress. So
submission. This is where I talk about submission. Muslim means to
submit to the will of Allah and the relationship with Allah
Spinoza was penned with the Allah must come first before none other
and I said, Well,
how good if I've been at doing that? How good have I been at
showing up for the relationship, I'm supposed to have the lowest
point of the island. And I said, Well, right now give you a c minus
because you're not taking advantage of what is before you.
And calling on Allah, you're not staying in that space enough. And
you're dealing in the dunya. And dealing in your knifes and dealing
in your pride and your desires, what you want and what you don't
find comfortable for you.
Someone said to me, I don't know how you say co wife, Fatima said
if you think I said co wife overnight, and you are sadly
mistaken. She said, Well, I just can't do it. It's been such a such
years, it's been over a decade, I can't say color. I said well, the
great thing is you don't have to say co wife, if you all are not
ready, you have names. We have beautiful names you can use. But I
don't look at it as a bad word. But I remember a time I said where
I felt kind of like you did, I wasn't ready to say that word yet.
Because then it was a trigger. And then once I dealt with the fact
that I needed to fully in 100%, submit and accept this timeline of
the color of Allah, then my healing, and then I felt better.
And then I was able to communicate with my co wife and get to know
her outside of being coached. There's other wife, you know,
because we'll get dubbed years initial wife years subsequent wife
constantly for years, it was, Oh, she's his second wife. Oh, that's
his first wife. And it just that just felt like our only attribute,
although it wasn't that. So it felt good to sit down, have a
conversation and get her perspective. And she was
transparent, honest about it. And I felt better by saying, Okay, I
need to get in here. And this needs to happen. Because if she's
willing and always has been unwilling, where do I show up at
because again, I don't own time. So I don't know how much time I
have to foster a good relationship with her. That doesn't mean we
have to be besties I'm not saying that any CO wife has to talk to
each other being cordial matters. It just does. Our children are
watching us. And one of my daughters gave me such a wonderful
reminder. And I didn't even realize I was doing this and all
my hurt and all my pain. And she said I liked that you never said
anything bad about her to us. Like as they were younger. They're all
my daughters are grownups now. And two are married. And, but to have
that conversation, and I was like, Oh, it felt good to hear my
daughter say that. So
moving on, to submit is to place the ones we love and the proper,
proper perspective. Right. So understanding that once I didn't
allow people to say baby mama side chick ain't that his baby's
mother? Things like that. I said, No, that's his other wife,
actually. And you could sell them for a nickel. Because I said
that's his other wife. That's not his baby's mother.
Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, it was right. Oh, no, you made a mistake when
you came on into my space and said baby mama. Because see, Islam puts
honor and we're pro morals. So I'm not going to diminish her by
calling her something other than
A title that Allah allowed her to have. So that's what I mean about
dealing in this world and the people in this world when they
call you at some are shaytans footsoldiers.
So they want you to say these things and they want you to get
into this banter with them. See, I told you, she doesn't believe
she's a wife either see that?
Because then we're giving them information that is inaccurate.
And it's not fair for us to give that and be under that belief
system. Islam is clear about polygyny. And there's no reference
to side chick, baby mama, you know, one nightstand, she's just
nobody, girlfriend, girlfriend has been used.
It's absolutely 100% disrespectful on so many fundamental levels. So
when we engage in it, if we don't submit to the will of Allah
subhanaw taala, in a quarter of what he has in store for us, we
don't know who we're going to need. We don't know who we're
going to need. I've had some very dark times, and people say you got
a dark time turn on the light. But I've had some times where I felt
hurt or I felt sad. And it's not something that happens often. But
when it does, it does. And my poor wife was there.
She was the one offering the hug. She was the one offering a
conversation of some understanding or something like that. And our
family does that for each other, however, in that specific moment,
and the moment is private to us. So I won't go into details about
that, in that specific moment. She was there. And I years prior would
not have known that in that moment. Guess who you're going to
need. And it's been many moments like that on both ends. Because
that's what family and loved ones do. They're there for one another.
So when people say how's Koechner, there's other family. And I had
this asked to me recently, and I said, No, we're one big family.
Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, okay. You guys are like he does the
thing. And you guys are one big family. Did it happen overnight?
No, it didn't. So we'd love to say it. And we always mean it. Don't
compare your year one, what are your 12 because it was Rocky.
However, we didn't disrespect each other coach now and I we didn't
call each other names. We didn't treat each other. Certainly we
didn't treat each other's children a certain way because we're Muslim
and we're accountable. We're accountable. Regardless, we're
still Sisters in Islam. Even though we are still we're married
to the same man, but we have rights. And we're still sisters in
Assam. So Allah forbid, at this particular moment, because I don't
know when Allah is gonna take any one of us and we don't know in
this family who's gonna go first at all.
But just as an example, and that's another a very important question,
what will happen if something happens to coach now there will be
you and coach Nyla do will continue being family and Sharla
will continue on with our children and raising them and Sharma
because it's not just about being married to the same man. It's
about knowing what Allah put in front of us, all of us. And
embracing what he said was gonna be and this is one of those things
that was going to be I had no idea. No one had any idea you
could look back and we'd go you can't make it up. You can't make
it up because it's already written. So no, we don't break
apart because he's not he's not the one like holding it together
like that. We still are sisters.
Okay.
Okay.
Hear me hear me. So there's some. There's some things that there's
some areas, different areas to work on.
And many of the areas to work on is that, again, putting things in
the proper perspective.
Right. So when we look at the people in our lives, especially
our husband, I said is my mind
is Am I allowed to lose my mind? over something that Allah subhanaw
taala allowed him to do? Am I allowed it? And I had to ask
myself that more than once.
And then I said, Well, is this supposed to be hurtful to me? Is
this supposed to hurt me? Would Allah want me to hurt because of
this? Or is he putting it in my life polygyny
so that I can become a better person or as a test?
See or as to help me get to agenda. Maybe it's all these
different things. And I'm so busy dealing in what I feel like I'm
going through
that I specifically couldn't see it. So I said, I have to put this
in a proper perspective and ask myself and say some different
things that made me not feel that way. So for example, I would say,
instead of saying, my husband's got gotten married, again, he's
not here. I can't believe he left me, I turned it into, he's
supposed to be at the home, he shares with his other wife, this
is the day that he's supposed to be over there. Allah allows this
for him. When I would do that, and switch the question, then I felt
better.
Then I knew I said, this is doable. And once I saw
my husband pray so much, and he's always has, but when I saw it, in
this instance, he was doing so much more. And I said, his
relationship, he's taking care of the relationship he has with the
law. And I said, if he's taken care of the relationship that he
has with the law, then this family is going to be okay. Because
that's the most important relationship.
He wasn't dealing in. So much of the what people thought and what
other people say, and wouldn't people be bothered by and all
these different things, these external things. I said, he's
working on that relationship. And I said, I need to be working on my
relationship with a law and I knew this, but to see the intensity in
which he was doing it. I was like, hmm, that's leadership. That's
what husband, being a really healthy husband looks like, this
family will be fine. Because that in that relationship with Allah
was important to him. Is that like that with everyone? No, it's not.
We don't know where anyone is in their journey. We don't. But it
was difficult to sit there and go, Well, you know, what do I do now?
What do you do now? We do what we're supposed to do. As Muslims,
we submit, we ask Allah for help. And we get to this point, some
people get to this point where these things that we know we
should do sound cliche to us. That's because we're dealing in
this world and we're not giving the proper respect that we're
supposed to give to Allah Spanos, Allah when we know what we're
supposed to do, and we're having hard times when we're going
through difficulty challenge. And we make them we loo are we making
the Are we praying to hedge it? Are we asking Allah subhanaw taala
during Ramadan to help us?
Are we becoming closer to him when it's not Ramadan, when we're not
going through a challenge.
And understanding that one major thing, and I love repeating this
because it is the truth. When men marry again.
When men marry again, they don't just dump all the love that they
have for their wife or wives out of their heart because they marry
again.
They don't go with you, you know your trash. I'm dumping the love
out, see you. If he fares his Lord,
his movements, his actions will dictate such he'll move like that.
He'll offer select, he'll be a good mentor, a good leader. He'll
guide his family.
And it feels good. And you'll feel it in your heart. You'll see. And
I've said it before, I didn't fear polygyny, because I didn't feel
like my husband can handle it. I felt I feared it because I said,
Well shoot, I think he could kind of pull it off. Because I've seen
him show up in such a way with that relationship with the love
that I said and being consistent with it.
Consistent with it for over for almost 30 years. I was like whoa,
hmm.
I said he cares very deeply about this. And I love that he trains
and we'll have our event January 1.
I'm really, really excited about it. And it's crafting the new me
for 2023. And we've been asked so many times so how do you do it?
How do you make it work? It's really working in different areas,
having goals building a life for yourself outside of your husband's
identity. Having a life because in monogamy, I had a life I did
things. And then political polygyny came and I went Yikes.
What do I do now? No. What you do now is work on personal
development. See your friends, see your relatives, play with your
children, mother. You know the same things, spend time with your
husband the same things I was doing before.
But having more gratitude for those things for the
was attributes that the goodness that people brought into my life
having
so much gratitude that I said, Well, Lord shows us for this, not
just me, he chose us for this. And there must be a reasoning behind
it. Even if I don't know what that is right now, there has to be some
type of, there's his logic behind it, it's what he wants done. And
to step out of my own way, and my own pride and go, Okay, this is
what it is, he is where my husband is where he's supposed to be.
This is what he's supposed to be doing in his life right now, for
Well, of course, for the past 12 years, over 12 years. But I'm like
this is maybe this is his test. And who am I to disturb? Create, I
mean, a massive disturbance within this test, maybe if I learn a
little bit more and study more, and read more,
and understand and listen more, maybe I'll find benefit in it in
sha Allah, and Shawn, so I'm working on me. Because you can't
control anything else, it's not my job to raise him, it's my job to
be the best Fatima that I can be, and sha Allah and focus my energy
there. And once someone says, This is what it was like for me, or
these are the areas that I'm finding difficulty with, being
accepting of that,
in understanding the magnitude of that
inshallah inshallah. So taking care of the relationship with
Allah, taking care of the relationship between yourself and
your husband, knowing that you have your own personality, we're
not the men, of course, and the men are not the women, we know
this. And making sure that as you know, staying in our own lane and
working on those things, once we work on so many things in our
only, we have no time to like veer off and oncoming or getting into
someone else's lane. And understanding we don't need to
understand everything, we don't need to know everything. It is a
mercy that we don't know all the stuff that goes on in the world of
our husbands, he can handle that and whatever concerns we have
versus complaints, whatever concerns we have, we can let him
know. And then have the hard conversation be willing to have
the conversation getting the clarity, because with those
difficult conversations, you might not like every answer, you might
not be comfortable with everything. But knowing there's so
much liberation in speaking to our husbands about what's going on
with us behind the scenes and what we're going through experiencing,
they might be able to offer some type of solution, listening ear
hug, telling you he's making the offer you praying together,
offering select together it's probably one of the most
beautifully intimate things you can do with your husband is
offering solet together, holding on to one another giving some
reassurance and words of affirmation matter as well in sha
Allah in sha Allah, so that is what I have to pretty much say on
it that it's Shala Listen, let me just check something really
quickly. Okay. That is pretty much what in remember, make the offer
yourself make the offer your husband that might not be such a
difficult journey it doesn't polygyny is not impossible. It's
not an impossibility. Is it easy? No, it's but it's not an
impossible feat. And it's not sent to destroy who we are. In sha
Allah we we understand that as Muslims that Allah does not seek
to to just destroy us and hand us polygyny and we feel destroyed by
it to the point and to the brink
of losing our senses in Sharla.
So
there she is.
Just like this. Thank you so much as always, it's wonderful to get
your wise and grounded perspective, masha Allah, many
people in YouTube was saying you've completely changed their
perspective. They've worked with you, they've learned from you. And
Alhamdulillah May Allah bless the work that you're doing. We already
heaped two hours on your family earlier today. So Insha Allah,
listen, I hope that the session goes great tomorrow. Can you just
maybe put in the chat the link that people can follow to find out
more about the class tomorrow? And she knows that tomorrow? Yes, it
is tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow is tomorrow. Okay.
Mayor, Baraka inshallah JazakAllah. Kula here. much
appreciation for you guys and we'll see you next year in sha
Allah at some point but
nila, inshallah his or her hair says by the color fakie Okay, I'm
gonna keep it moving guys thank you so much this Salam aleikum
okay guys take a deep breath take a deep breath get up shake. All
right get some water hydrate and shut Allah We continue with the
program I told you it's nonstop today back to back to back to back
until 10pm Insha Allah and our next speaker is Masha Allah and
esteemed che that we have hamdulillah I've been blessed to
work with and been able to do a lot of good programs with Masha
Allah and he is none other than chef Abdullah Hakim quick again it
is his first time on the channel. So I'm very excited. I love that
we're getting you know a real variety of speakers this year Ma
sha Allah so, Chef, if you are happy to put your video on, then
we will definitely hand over to you because you're going to be
speaking to us on the importance of a HELOC in marriage. I said I
want to become your chef. When it comes
to psychological okay for making the time to be with us today. May
Allah bless you and your family and give you long life and long
health. I mean, can I leave you to it? Yes, yes, I will start
recording the time framework we're dealing with minutes and then 10
minutes a question. Baraka Luffy which is
Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa
sallahu wa salam ala say that I will lean on if you're in Nabina
Muhammad and while Allah He was happy, he was adequate, salam, all
praises due to Allah a lot of the world's peace and blessings be
constantly showered upon our beloved Prophet Muhammad, the
master of the first and the last, and upon his family as companions
and all those who call to his way, and establish his sunnah to the
Day of Judgment. As to what follows my beloved brothers and
sisters, to those who are viewing and listening. As salam Wa alaykum
Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh Alhamdulillah. I want to
congratulate sister Nyima and the team for putting together this
series of talks, interactions, it's not an easy thing to do with
the technology. And I pray that Allah would bless you for all your
efforts and your team and all those who are involved in this
very critical topic of marriage in Islamic Nikka.
And I want to talk to you today, not just from the mind, but from
the heart.
And that is because the issue of marriage is a very intimate, it's
very important to me, as an individual. And I want to be
practical in this. I know that you've heard a lot of information,
a lot of verses from the Quran, a lot of Islamic texts, and
positions. But I want to be as practical as I can in this area.
And even leave the floor open for a few comments and questions.
Coming from the practical side of this
is not something I'm just saying lightly. I've been married and
humbler for over 50 years. And that's to the same system.
My beloved wife, sister, Karima, 50 years, we have nine children.
And eight of those children
were actually have have gone through the marriage process.
There are five girls and four boys. Okay, there's one boy left
who didn't get married. But we've gone through this marriage, trust
us eight types. And unfortunately, even we've had a dilemma of
marriage and a divorce, and then another marriage. So this has been
an emotional roller coaster for us. And I want to just share a few
concepts with you that maybe you know it can have an impact upon
you. And you wouldn't have to reinvent the wheel.
Why did I choose character black itself
and the title and the importance of back lock on character in
marriage. That is because character itself in Islam really
is one of the most important issues. People tend to put a lot
of emphasis on the clothes that we wear. On the family we come from.
On the Arabic we can recite how many times we made over
what Jamaat are we in
but the reality of the Prophet Muhammad so seldom
Is that he has informed us in different traditions and I'll read
one from the what type of Imam Malik that people don't usually
hear with the Prophet Sal Salim said bristolian Tamina personal
Aflac. Now you may have heard another rewire in the mob with the
legal tamiment macadam Allah. But basically what this means is the
province of Saddam Hussein that verily I have been sent to
complete the best in character.
So so the essence of the message itself is character. It's not a
political thing.
It's not just a social thing. It's not an economic thing.
But really it is character. And the character of an individual is
something that is directly connected to the heart.
And so the essence of the person is coming from the heart, which is
like the conscience. And then through the character, which
actually puts into practice what is in the heart.
And the Prophet SAW Salem was asked one time very serious
question. And the Hadith goes to Allah rasool Allah so Solomon Aqsa
Rima, usually the next agenda for kala taco la Hassan Haluk was so
Ilan AXA Rima unicolor, NASA now for called Al femoral Farge. The
Prophet SAW Selim was asked what is the main reason why people will
enter paradise and he said Taqwa Allah or hostile khaolak It is the
consciousness of Allah and Good character. He didn't say a long
beard. He didn't say full covering top hat. No. He said, taqwa Allah
was no Hello. Then he was asked, What is the main reason why people
will enter hellfire. And he said, the mouse and the private parts.
So so this hadith has got a lot of ramifications in which some may
come up as we go. But the point that I want to stress is the fact
of the character itself.
And connecting character to marriage is so important today,
because I would say to a certain extent that the institution of
marriage is is really in endangered, like, you know, the
endangered species. So this institution in the Western
countries in particular, is, which is under an attack. And you could
say, it's a crisis.
And what is happening is that the process of marriage, the
institution of marriage, is being torn apart. And so, to a certain
extent, in the Western countries, we have to sort of reconstruct
marriage itself or the process of marriage in a way that we can
survive in this onslaught of anti marriage
type of politics, in the classical Muslim societies. We had our
families, we have villages, we had natural interaction. We even had
expectations that were developed by the culture itself. So if you
came from a certain village or a certain city, or a certain area,
you generally followed a certain pattern, you generally had a
certain trade, you generally had certain intentions or aspirations.
We're in a totally different situation. In the Western
countries, we've been thrown out of the Muslim world, into a
melting pot. And this melting pot is actually in a confusion itself
as to what it's supposed to cook. So we're inside of this confused
melting pot. And the whole issue of marriage is going out the
window, the roles of male and female are being blurred. And
immorality is becoming like a norm. It's a normal thing. Being a
moral person, having higher having modesty is becoming strange in
some parts of the Western world.
So the issue of Islamic Nica is something that we need to solidify
in our mind and try to be as practical as possible and see how
character interacts with this. I want to emphasize and again, we're
talking about secrets here. And this is after years of marriage
and looking at my daughters and sons and I also opened up a social
service agency and ran it for over 12 years in Canada, and then went
to South Africa, and I've done hundreds of counseling sessions.
Hundreds literally, and most of them are dealing with families
and
So the issue of marriage, the process, we have to realize, it's
not just a ceremony. When some people think of Nika, they think
of the ceremony they think of the big party though the walima. And
the reputation, the name pleasing the family, no,
it is something totally different. Because what we are talking about
is finding a suitable companion
to live with you in an Islamic lifestyle, hopefully inshallah for
the rest of your life. And that could actually be extended to
paradise.
So we're talking about long term relationships, even though again,
the world that we're living in short term, everything is short
term. And the reason why we see our internet, Facebook, Instagram,
Tik Tok, this that is getting shorter and shorter and shorter.
And so marriage is also falling to this plague, of shortness. And so,
to actually have an Islamic Nikka, to go through the process, it's
important that I want to just slightly review this, you know, in
light of the issue of character itself. And again, when we talk
about character, we're talking about a person's ethics, their
behavior, the interpersonal relationships. This is the crucial
point that we're actually talking about when we talk about
character. And so you know, that behavior that that pattern, this
is the actual essence of the message of Prophet Muhammad, peace
and blessings be upon him. And the process of nicaya itself. And
again, I've gone through this process over and over again, and
again, secrets without going through all the trappings and
whatnot, there's a special area, which is called Kapha. And that is
suitability. And suitability is so important when we're dealing with
the marriage, because again, what we're talking about is finding a
suitable mate, a suitable companion, to live with an Islamic
relationship, hopefully for the rest of your life. So there's a
whole process that's involved in this. And the Prophet Muhammad,
peace and blessings be upon him,
was reported to have said, it's been mentioned by other speakers
that a woman is married for four things, but wealth, her family
status for beauty, and her religion. So you should marry
according to the religion, otherwise, you'll be a loser. And
this,
these four areas can actually be applied to males, as well. And to
deal with the character, you know, cuz sometimes people think the
whole thing is on the women.
And no, it's on both sides. Because the Prophet SAW Selim has
said, if you find a boy, whose character who's at luck, right,
his ethics, his madness is good, and who follows the faith
properly, give your daughter in marriage to him.
If matches are made, without considering the aspects of our
clock, and faith, it will cause mischief and disturbance in the
societies. So this is dealing with the male too. So this area is
bobble cuff amputee, this is suitability, and I literally went
through this and use this as a template for who you want to marry
whether you're male or whether you're female.
Part of it has to do with the wealth.
And we'll follow the chronology you know of the Hadith itself,
wealth
when dealing with the male natural
that it has something to do with can he provide it protect because
the man is supposed to be a woman is supposed to be providing and
protecting his wife. Of course, the situation that we're living in
today dictates the fact that in many cases, both sides have to
work
but the chief responsibility is on the men. Now where's the secret
and the secret is that it doesn't mean that he has to have a large
amounts of wealth. And brothers who want to get married don't
think that you have to have everything house the you know
money in the bank, everything before you even think about
marriage. No.
Imam Shafi said You know, it's enough to actually have
a place to stay for the night and a food to eat. That's really
enough if you really depend upon Allah subhanaw taala. But in our
case, especially in the Western world, when
We are looking at and I'm looking now as a family as a father
looking at a prospective young man. It's not just the amount of
money, but it's his attitude. It's this character.
What is his ethics, what is his man is how, what is his body
length, he may not have a lot of money, but he has good intentions.
He has skills, he has the drive, to provide and protect, and
something like that we can work with. And I've seen cases where,
you know, the young man and the young woman, they want to get
married, they don't have exactly enough, so the families are one of
their family then helps them, give them a place in the basement. Help
them in the beginning, because they're suitable.
You know, once that suitability, once you feel some confidence
there, don't let the wealth hold you up.
However, the wealth is important. And if the brother comes, and he
talks about, well,
I'm just gonna do Tahajjud prayer, I don't have a job, I don't have
direction, I don't have skills. When I got my turban
you know, I have my thoughts. And I'll make 200 as though the food
will come flying through the window. No.
This is where the body has to step in, and make sure that either it
has something going, or you have the right potentially out.
The second point is the nest.
And this has something to do with genealogy. It's not just status in
that sense. It's really the genealogy. Where do you come from?
Like, what is your background, and that is important, we are living
in a melting pot. So therefore, people's background is not as
critical as it was when we were living in Asia,
Africa, in the Arab world, you know, where your personality is
really defined by your village and by your people and whatnot.
But you're necessary. It does have some sort of inputs. And I want to
look at this in a practical way.
Now, when you look at the character,
how does this interplay with this,
because the genealogy you have the family, you know, will have an
impact upon who you are. For instance, if a person comes from a
mountain area, the person's from Afghanistan or from Chechnya, and
Dagestan, and they are mountainous type people to live in that
mountain, people want to live in a desert, no matter, you got to be
struck. And so the people's personality tends to be a little
rough, because conditions will be cold in the winter, you know, you
feel a lot of pain in your life
may have some violence. And so the personality tends to be rapid. And
it's not a negative thing. But it's sort of a rough way of going
about things.
That's just a character. Whereas in another case, you will have a
situation of a person who comes from Malaysia, and people who've
come from Malaysia and tropical areas, in general, and I'm not
stereotyping tend to be more easygoing, because the climate is
the same all year round.
Root Saudi rain is there, so that people tend to be a little bit
laid back, and a little bit softer in how they go about doing things.
So if a person who comes from a mountainous area, wants to marry
somebody who comes from the tropics, from the nice seashell,
you have to check them out.
Because the rough way that he has told the way that she has because
maybe it's a mountain woman, and not a mountain man who wants to
marry a Malaysian young man comes from that easygoing nature, are
they going to be able to overcome it? It's definitely possible,
especially if they've lived in a Western country, and they're
picked up with the general body language of the society itself.
But that's something that has to be worked out. And the more that
we can understand about the character, and I'm saying this in
a, you know, in a practical sense, that when somebody wants to get
married material dealing with this first process, you know, it's not
just a matter of what he says about himself.
But it's actually what he does.
What is his track record? And what I like to do, what I advise people
to do is that you need to talk to somebody else who has lived with
that person and not just get it from the person's mouth them
So I can talk to somebody who's done business with them, who has
lived with them, right? Somebody who knows the INEC character.
So this is really important.
Because then you'll you'll see from a third party that doesn't
have any interest in the marriage itself. And that person should be
able to give you an objective understanding. If they give you
some warning signals, then deal with those warning signals. If
they give you an okay, then that's a plus. And so this is really
important, and it will lead them needs to set up some sort of
weight have come together. And this is an issue, again, where
character comes in, because you can't just theoretically know
about a person's character.
I was counseling on one case, and the sister came, you know, and
said, that I want to marry this brother, you know, he's from, I'll
just say it is from the Arab world. He speaks Arabic so
beautifully. In those that had been in your minister time it goes
by affiliate, as always, you know, whoever, you know, has the ability
to make, but they must get married. So it's so nice to get
married immediately. And so, you know, he wants to get married.
He's a handsome brother. He has nice, curly here, and nice eyes. I
want to marry him. I said system. Do you know the standard? You
know, this character?
Yep. Do you know somebody who's lived with him? She said, No. You
know, he knows the Hadith. You know, he can such a good brother.
And he wants to get married this weekend. He wants to go to Niagara
Falls and finished because, you know, Niagara Falls is where many
people don't, you know, for their honeymoon, he wants to go to
Niagara Falls.
I said, Sister, follow Kapha follow the suitability.
The Prophet SAW seldom said alhaja, mera Shavon, that haste is
from the devil.
So don't be hasty in this.
And check the person opposite. She didn't do it. And unfortunately,
he turned out to be the opposite. I won't go into the details. But
it turned out to be a train wreck was a very difficult situation.
There was another case where the sister wanted to get married
humans and movements. And the brother was, you know, from a
Muslim country, I won't say which one it is. And she liked him. You
know, he said the right things, and I certainly bring them to my
office.
And we sat together and I talked in general, you know, to the
person. I knew that person's country. I had been in St. Louis
country before. I know, so the personalities. And so we began to
talk. So I just drove the question. I said, you know, if you
have a difference of opinion on jeans, how are you going to solve
that problem?
And, you know, he said, well, well, I'm the man and I will make
the decision. It's important thing. And she said, Well, you
know, that over here, you know, women are very strong. And you
know, I will give my opinion. And, you know, we will function
together, you know, as a Jimana. You because it's important for
your assistance, that a woman's voice to be heard in marriage. And
because we're together, his face was getting wrecked.
He was getting angry, he was about to blow up. Now, for the first
time, she was able to look at him.
From the outside. It wasn't just him with his dashing personality
and his and his nice words. Now she's looking at him. He's looking
at me, he's angry at me. He is blowing up. Now she realized this
character, there's something he's not able to deal with conflict in
a balanced soft way as a Muslim is supposed to do with Muslim male in
the marriage itself. You see? So this is an important one. And this
is how the character Yeah, luck. It does mesh with this pot of
suitability.
The other is beauty. And of course, beauty is in the eyes of
the beholder.
What beauty is an important thing. And this is something I'll leave
this one open to the individuals. Because of that with the melting
pot, some of our standards, you know, are changing, we're
realizing that the real beauty of the first is not necessarily on
the outside, but it's the inside, see where the character is.
That's the real beauty of the person.
But the outside is important. And people tend to want to carry
somebody who sort of looks like that.
They are very few can actually continue to deal with opposites in
race, opposites in skin color as being realistic.
Okay, so, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.
After real beauty that is on the inside.
The fourth part is the uniform. And the dean, of course, that is
the religion that is the practical way of life. And when we say deed,
we're not talking about religion, in a Western sense, we're talking
about a way of life.
And so this, again, is where the character meshes right in with the
dean, because the Prophet SAW seldom said that he has been sent
basically, to bring out the best in character.
So that is the crucial thing. What is the ethics? What is the morals?
How does that person deal?
What is his behavior, what is her behavior in certain circumstances,
this is why it is important for them to spend some time together.
I know that we came from cultures that have arranged marriages. And
within that context, it might be possible within the Western
contracts now, not even the Eastern to a certain extent, they
have to sort of get to know each other not completely.
But at least have time together. This is where we need to be
inventive. And this is where the willies, especially those who are
coming from Muslim environments, they have to lighten up they have
to Dinis some of their cultural ways, their cultural traditions,
and realize that there are more important issues. Some cultures,
when they look at these four areas, the most important is the
money.
And the family. See, so so they're putting the Dean on the bottom,
instead of putting the deal in the top for the product. So southern
said if you marry according to the dean, then you will be successful
if you notice that you can be a loser.
So
the key is, it is crucial. And this is where the family needs to
try to be inventive I, in one case, I'll be personal, and
wanting to marry my daughter. And we were in South Africa at the
time.
And the person is coming from out of the Muslim world. And so we had
to check the brother out.
So not only did he come to me and to talk, but he needed to bring
his friends.
So I could understand his friends and what they were saying and then
tried to contact somebody who knew him not just a friend, but several
times isn't it wasn't him as somebody who had some kind of
relationship. So know more about his behavioral pattern to know
more about, you know, how you d assess his ethics, his morality,
this is the character because this is really the issue, I believe
that is going to be crucial in the long term.
How can I relationship stay for a long period of time, it is that
suitability of the two. Now with each other,
the more suitability you have, you know, the more
issues that you have, which are comparable, you know, your
intentions
are sort of the same in terms of your practice of Islam. So this is
really crucial.
Because the essence of the marriage, we have to realize what
the indica is in Islam. You know, and Allah tells us it would serve
to represent this 187
In part of this chapter, Laura's telling us Wonderly Basler, Cooper
had to leave us alone one
day, they
are a clothing when you are men, and they are clothing for you,
women,
what is Li bass and this is a very interesting term that Allah
subhanaw taala used in order to get this across to us because your
clothing, the scratch.
Your clothing protects you
think about your clothing. And we think about it now especially now
we're going in sub zero temperatures. You know here in
Canada in America, your clothing keeps you comfortable.
Your your clothing, hide your IP protection.
All of these aspects are so important to think about how
character comes into the best
because the protection
is that it is the morality you know it is it is the behavior of
that person that we feel comfortable with each other.
We protect each other
even if we disagree on certain points, that we will agree to
disagree.
And that's something that's not easy for, you know, for people in
many of the relationships. It's not easy to agree to disagree. But
how can you have a disagreement in a marriage in a relationship? And
you don't allow that disagreement? To break you up for the shaytan?
Will he ever be loud comes in
and then uses it to destroy the relationship?
How can that be possible? This is when the character is there.
This is when the person has the top block. Remember, the two
things Taqwa law has no Phillip main reason why people enter
paradise. So the consciousness of Allah is there.
And the character is actually bringing it
in. So we feel comfortable around each other.
We protect each other.
We have a relationship, not just a relationship on paper.
But we have a relationship.
And so these are the crucial things in finding the marriage
itself, in setting up and going through it, and this will take us
right through the process itself and into the marriage. And this is
where, again, what are some of the secrets? I think, you know, the
secrets and, you know, some of the advices may be more important for
some of us, and all the verses and all of the different headings. But
to be honest, is
one of the most important
qualities I believe, between the husband and the wife is
friendship.
That might sound like a simple thing. But you know, your friend
is somebody you can be walking along the beach, you can be
walking outside, you don't even know exactly where you're going.
You just thought a hike.
And because you're close because your friends, because you're
comfortable with each other. You can talk about things you can look
at the trees, the birds, because you're comfortable, your friends,
you're not struggling against them, like they say in the West,
you know, men up from one planet, women or another. No, it's not a
bad.
It's because there's a lot that there is a true relationship. And
there is compatibility.
So you're compatible in childhood.
And you'll tell right away
when you meet that person, and we say, Yes, not only, you know, have
a meeting in a special area, what we would do with open up our
house, and the family is that we leave the sitting room, and they
can sit inside here. And they can talk and they can interact. And
then you know, food is served and whatnot. And then we get one of
our family members or somebody else known to be a third party and
they will go out together. And this is not a date, like a Western
date. They will vote to election they will go to a restaurant and
there's a third party with them. And even maybe there's a couple
that's
so the two couples are together. And as they're walking along the
Corniche, you know, they, they, you know, the two, were ready to
get married
to get a little distance, and they can walk with each other within
sight of the other ones. And they can function with each other. And
this is important because I've seen cases where the sisters with
the brother, if she looks at him, and he's very tight, and he's
very, you know, far more than you know, he's not relaxed. And
everything is a struggle. And if she makes a point, he wants to
overcome her and the point and so she realized immediately that
there's no compatibility
that this is going to be on you. The home is going to be an arena
of war and not a place you know of love and a friendship because we
have to realize, and again with the offeree reported verses
and read verses and serves a room, you know where to sit where Allah
is telling us women is to hear color color comb and unfussy come
as virgin. The Tuscany ILAHA Bucha albedo kappa Weddington Baraka in
the field Alec Elia tilicho mediator for karoun and one of His
Signs is that he created mates for you from yourselves that you may
find rest in them and he put in between you love and mercy. Surely
in this assigns for those who reflect See, this is what we have
to start doing now. What is Allah saying? The purpose
As of the marriage, the purpose of your coming together, Lita school
Eli, you're supposed to have Sakina Sakina is tranquillity. So,
the home needs to be a place of peace, not a place of tension.
So, that tension is there and sometimes the tension starts, you
know, even before the marriage and sometimes wrong, and you have to
be aware, you know, of the tension that is there. And the two
qualities that Allah has said, he has made malenda whare. And these
are the two qualities which if you could put a sign over your
matrimonial home, you know, for two qualities, it would be the
love and mercy, but what does what,
how does this interact again with character, because, when we are
talking about wood, when we are talking about wood, we are talking
about
not only love just in a physical sense. But, you know, we are
talking about an intimate love, we are talking about, you know, a
love of a type of kindness,
a type of loving kindness, a type of compassion, so wood is got
compassion in it. So this is where there's some emotion, there's some
compassion, just being loving with each other. And that is in good
times, and in bad times. So that means that, you know, as as time
goes by, you know, and that beauty that you had,
in the beginning starts to fade. So this is the test. This is the
test. So the lovingness the compassion, always reminds that
individual, where you came from how you started,
the compassion, you know, keeps you together, because there's
emotion, there's a feeling in between you. And it's interesting,
because Allah said, Nevada was drama.
So it's almost like the wood is leading into the rubber. So the
compassion as the marriage is going on, and it leads to Mercy.
And that is coming near the end of your lives when you are there. I
myself, we have been married for 50 years. Plus, this is where
Mercy comes in. Because the man is not the same man that he was. The
woman is not the same woman that she was. But that compassion and
that mercy helps them to deal with the changes. It takes them over
those rough moments that people will go through near the end. And
so my Weda, what OCMA that feeling that that
that compassion that the people have, it's so important. Another
secret
is that
it's preferable for the husband and wife, to have a cause.
I mean, our main cause should be to be Muslim, just to be Muslim in
these times when there's a tidal wave of anti Islamic lifestyle.
That is a struggle in itself. Just to be able to maintain halal food,
halal living, to maintain Halal dress, to maintain our prayers, to
maintain fasting, to maintain your are calling to the good and
forbidding evil, that is a major struggle in itself, that's a cause
of itself. So even just to survive as a Muslim, if that's your cause,
that at least it's a cause. But even higher than that, if there is
a cause, for instance, there's a community. So you work together in
the Muslim community. And as you're working together, and
you're doing relief, and you're working in the masjid with
children, you know, you're calling to Allah, you can sort of see each
other working in the movement. And you can begin to appreciate that
aspect of the person that's different than what's in your
house. You see, we get caught up sometimes in being inside of the
house, everything is based upon this arena of war, the struggle
that goes within the house. So what do you like outside?
When you have a cause, then you can see that individual in
relationship to the cause,
and not in relationship just to the marriage itself. And this
especially would apply to those with polygyny itself.
Our previous speaker I spoke about polygyny, which in traditional
Islamic societies that fostered multiple marriages can be easily
done, but within a
Western societies and that's now spreading around the world is much
more difficult because of the financial challenges. And because
of what society is so called dictating.
When you have a cause, then some of those petty issues, that the
shaytaan will appear to be lacking the blow up, to destroy the
relationship, they become petty, because there's a cause. And
especially when you reach the point where is like for Dawa, and
we our lives are on the line.
And where we see people entering Islam, we see people leaving
Islam. And so that causes death. And so you will see your husband,
you'll see your wife in relationship to the struggle.
So this is so important. And one of my secrets is that
I was involved, you know, in the struggle of black consciousness
struggle, even before I was Muslim, and my wife Alhamdulillah,
was involved in that struggle as well. So calling to the good and
forbidding evil in a different sense, and then entering into
Islam. And so that struggle mentality, right away there was
suitability, because there was a struggle mentality. And so we were
able to maintain that struggle mentality and apply it to the
Islamic community, to the Islamic world, to see sort of what you
could call a mission,
that we had a mission
to submit to Allah subhanaw taala to serve Allah and inshallah to
die in the path of Allah
that can help you to rise above the petty differences that are
there. And that is where the character is so important of the
individual.
Another important issue is the quality of Shura. And Allah says
in surah Shodo, Abraham Shura, beno,
that there are fears are dealt with in mutual consultation.
And this is a quality you know, there are some societies where
people are very individual, and whatnot, but that quality of the
does person doesn't have it needs to be developed, it needs to be
fostered. Or it needs to be taught to that individual, that when
there's a difference of opinion, we don't go to our corners, we
talk it out. I know it's difficult, especially for the
males, but we talk it out. And if we cannot solve the problem, then
we will bring in somebody from our families. And we will talk it out
with with the family members. Maybe there's a close friend who
knows, you know, both of us, and we can we can we can talk it up.
And this is so important to us, the character is so important in
this struggle that goes on within our relationships, which is part
of the process of life, because there's ups and there's downs and
I have we have had ups and downs, there's no doubt about it. But
because there's something there, there's something of the
consciousness of Allah, is this something of the character,
there's something of this wood, this compassion that is there and
this Rama, this mercy
that can keep you going in the darkest of times. And so these are
crucial qualities, crucial qualities that need to be
developed. And it is part of the character that is so critical in
Islam. So again, character is not just a saying,
it's not just a word, it's not just Hadith that you spout out.
It's what you do.
It's your body language. It's your practice. And that is so critical
in the process of marriage. And that is before the marriage, try
to get it as clear as possible as to who that individual is, who
that brother is, and what is his family. Who that sister is, who
was his family. Because you have to remember that sometimes the the
character of the family will have an influence on the individual
himself. This is where character interacts with nessip the
genealogy.
But there are cases many cases where you know, the young brother
or the young sister, they have the fear of Allah and they act totally
different than their family.
And that is the Mercy of Allah subhanaw taala but we have to have
this hikma, this wisdom
for the suitability and the wisdom to put that character on one of
the highest levels. Put it above just physical money.
Put it above just physical looks.
Right, put it above just the fan
Li is this person from a certain country, does this person speak a
certain language?
Is this person Sharif noble, say it. Because these are all just
material constructs in a sense. And I say this with respect to the
family of the Prophet SAW Selim, which we which we put in a high
place, we have to realize that the bottom line is not just the blood
running through the body, the bottom line is the practice, it's
what is going to come out of that individual.
And so, these are a few observations
after a long struggle, and I pray that Allah will help us to
continue and all marriages to help to continue you and I pray that
Allah would help our individuals to be able to find your the right
spouse, and to stay within that marriage and go to the roughness.
These are a lot of points that I brought up. And I want to open up
the floor to see if there's any questions, anything in the chat
room.
Anything that people you don't have to ask, in terms of
the the,
the concepts of the importance of character, it's just that color
color hair Yeah, chef that was really grounding and beneficial.
And people really loved the practical examples that you gave
Masha Allah and the, the, the request is to have a wali
masterclass, you would teach a wily master class just because
many people were saying that, you know, this is the job of the Wali
this is, you know, this is exactly what the what he should be doing.
And a lot of people don't necessarily know that or haven't
experienced that before, masha Allah.
So yeah, maybe you'd consider doing that and sha Allah? No, I
will consider doing it. I mean, if anything I can leave of my
experiences. The experience of one day is one of them, because I have
five daughters who are married? Yes, yes, yes. In some cases, are
your daughter married? And then remarried? You know, so being in a
practical sense, having actually gone through this?
Yes, this is critical. Because people don't Allah, we will do
that. No, it's true. SubhanAllah? So I have a question here, where
one of the participants asked, How many times should we involve
family members to resolve conflicts, especially if there's a
high frequency of conflicts? Do you have any advice on that,
of course, this, this has something to do with the nature of
the conflict itself.
If the conflict is just like intellectual one, or verbal, you
know, just some petty things, you know, then the family can, can can
solve this, they they can come in a number of times, but but if it
starts to reach the point of abuse, or even possible violence,
or violence or the other be left, you know, then, you know, it
shouldn't even go past one time, if it can't be resolved, then you
have to bring in authorities, you got to bring in the man, you got
to bring in, you know, somebody who has authority within your
community. And we have different individuals, not necessarily the
mom and the mosque, and sometimes it just leads a lot. But it's
usually the wise person in your community, you know, to come in
and really try to deal with this.
And in some cases where violence is involved, it may even mean the
authorities themselves to come in. So it's the nature of the conflict
itself, but try to resolve it within you know, the family, if
possible, does that feed on one of the panels that we had yesterday,
was about the preparing for marriage, we had one for young men
and one for young women. So there was a difference of opinion
between the sisters and the brothers, about early marriage for
boys. So the sisters wanted to marry their sons off as quickly as
possible. And the brothers felt know they need to, to basically
mature more in order to take on the responsibility of a family.
What's your, what's your view on early marriage in today's age? Do
you think that it's still viable? Do you think we should make way
for it or make room for it or do you not recommend it? Well, of
course, you know, within traditional Islamic societies and
the way it's supposed to be even here, you know that there is no
teenage life, you know, they have this false construct, you know of
a teenage, but really for us, it is a person who reaches puberty
you know, and then when that person reaches puberty, they
stopped. They they are being trained as to how to be a man and
how to be a woman. Right. So so so then so once that comes in, within
within that type of society, and with that type of training, it is
possible, you know, for a young
Men do to, to, to take on responsibilities at an early age.
And that would be of course, with guidance, you know, from the
families.
You know, my, you know, issue is, and I have this personal issue,
you know, myself because you know, young males are reluctant to get
married these days, I'm being practical now known as very
dramas.
I have 21 grandchildren,
you know, and you can imagine what goes through my head, and my wife,
I have 21 grandchildren. And there's a lot of young males, and
they don't want to get married. And to be honest with you, and I
say that to them straight. I don't know how you survive. I mean, I'm
coming out of the 60s, you know, America, you know, whatever. I
mean, you have to hold me back from getting married. Right? Even
if I just have enough to stay for one night. Okay, but this pie in
the sky thing, I've got to have a home and I've got to have a degree
and all that. No, it's not necessary. And sometimes to avoid
adultery, and I'm being straightforward. Because, you
know, some societies I've seen, you know, you know, young people
come here, and they play around, they think that they can play
around when they're when they're young. And then suddenly get
married, you know, you know, to somebody, you know, from their,
you know, their clan, their cousin, yes, from back home or
somebody, it doesn't work like that anymore. And it was a case of
a young man. You know, I won't say which country he comes from, you
know, very intelligent, whatever, you know, and he played around,
you know, when he was young, and then, you know, he started to
mature and, you know, he became a big, strong scholar, whatever, you
know, and then, you know, he wanted to get married, but then he
told me that he has genital herpes. He has herpes. So when he
played,
he got herpes. So he said, Brother, I don't know, what am I
supposed to do? And he's a good looking guy with knowledge. All
the sisters one week comes to me and he said he got herpes, right.
So I said, wait an hour when I called biller? Wow. So then he
says to me,
can I get met? Can you prepare for the marriage? And just before we
say I do, can I say to the sister? Oh, by the way,
I have herpes. I said no.
That has to be known to the sister and the family from the beginning.
Because we don't have a cure for this thing right now. She's gonna
get it. She is. Yeah, for sure. And so why he played around in the
beginning. So this issue of playing around your elders, Allah
said, Don't come near fornication and adultery, it is an
abomination. And it is today. And by playing around, we're getting
socially transmitted diseases. We are our minds are getting the
wrong concept of, you know, what a man is or what a woman is, you
know, and so therefore, there's, there's some cases, I knew one
case, you know, where the young men and the young woman they
wanted to get married. You know, he was a little bit immature, but
mature enough, you know, but he was he was a man, he was ready to
get married. And the family said, No, I don't want my child to be in
adultery. You know, he's a young man, now we can teach them certain
things. So in the other family agrees, so we will sort of hover
over them, you know, let them mature, you know, under the
protection of the family until you know, that they can continue on.
And at least in that way, they avoid, you know, the plague of
fornication and adultery. So really, you know, it's, it's not
black and white type of situation. There are some young guys who are
so immature,
caught up in this teenage type of madness, that really, it would be
injustice, to marry him, you know, to a Muslim to hear that. Yeah,
no, I hear that. No, but there are other ones who have good
intentions little bit immature, and he can develop, save him from
fornication and adultery.
That makes total sense. No way. Allahu Alem. That makes total
sense. I think, as he said, It is there isn't a black or white
answer, right or wrong answer, but more sort of a guidance and a
guidelines. And I think that one of the challenges for parents is
to start looking at our children and saying, Am I doing justice to
my young son, my young daughter, in actually giving them the tools
they will need? If they do want to get married, at least they're not
completely clueless. At least they're not a complete waste of
space. And that may look like a little bit of tough love. It may
look like having some hard conversations and maybe just like
the brothers were saying yesterday, encouraging them to get
out of their rooms to come off their screens and go out into the
world and actually start interacting and making something
of themselves while why them. That's right. That's right. No,
this is a very serious
situation, but we need to, again, the more we involve our families
and our youth in education of the process of marriage. Yes. So they
can understand that it's not some major event with 1000s of dollars
and some scary thing. No, it's part of life. It's just like your
puberty that you've just gone through, you know, it's a process
of life, if they can understand that, then it's not so
frightening. And their family can be, you know, brave enough, you
know, and positive enough to give support to give them support in
those early days, then, you know, it is possible for us to have this
process, you know, even in these very difficult economic times. I
agree online, I just want to say as well, just to wrap up insha
Allah. And this is something I said yesterday, brothers and
sisters, don't look at the society and say, All but the society, look
at your family and say, in my family, right? Because if we look
at society, and judge what's possible, or what's likely by
society, then we might as well give up. But if we say, okay,
that's happening out there, but in my house, in my family, this is
what I'm going to strive to do. I'm going to take ownership, I'm
going to take responsibility, right? I'm going to step up to the
plate, do what I need to do do my part. And then the more of us that
do that, the more of us will have children that can marry each
other. That's what I'm thinking right now. Subhan Allah So may
Allah make it easy for Sharla just to collaborate on your Chef, thank
you so much. And one of the comments that's come through is we
want more of your stories, but I think we have a solution for that
don't we? Insha Allah Yes, we do it I'm waiting I'm waiting for us
to come together.
So everybody watch this space. Alhamdulillah Allah subhanaw taala
has facilitated for Sheikh Abdullah and I to be able to work
on his memoirs but it Nila and you can already see how many stories
he has to tell mashallah of decades in this Alma in the dour
in the deen as well as a family man you know, father, husband,
Grandfather soon to be I'm sure great grandfather, evening layer
and solar.
Bless you and the work that you're doing and your team you know, and
may Allah make it easy for this younger generation coming up and
protect us from from the scourge of immorality.
publica, the shadow in La ilaha illa enter the stock Fukuda to
where like I could have done 100 Now you're not be allowed
to that kind of hater.
Is that kind of hate on your chef at Fidel? Please have a cup of tea
insha Allah. Thank you so much. Everybody follows Sheikh Abdullah
on socials, he's on Facebook, he's on Instagram. He has amazing
programs and master classes and books and tapes and videos, a real
wealth of knowledge mashallah Tabarka Allah so, you know, we
need to make the most of the resources that Allah subhanaw
taala has given us right now you know, the the people of knowledge
who are still alive, we're still around who are still talking and
teaching and sharing. Let's make the most of their experience insha
Allah to help us to move forward. That was a fantastic presentation
by Erica coffee. Okay, if you haven't liked the video, like the
video, if you haven't subscribed, subscribe to the channel, guys.
Does that go okay, don't we hit 49,000 subscribers today? Thank
you so much. Zack, Mullah Hayden. I appreciate you.
Inshallah, we'll get to 50k If we do hamdulillah if we don't, I'm
happy with 49k has a nice ring to it hamdulillah but now it's time
to move on with the program and if you were following the emails then
you will know that the program now is all about qualities of a Muslim
husband with our brothers panel. Masha Allah so Cocina there is in
already, brother Sade is here coming through and I'm just going
to message Brother Mohammed to see where he's at in sha Allah,
because he's on this panel too.
Yeah, he says two minutes to go. Alright, we are waiting
hamdulillah hamdulillah How's How am I the IP is doing guys are you
still okay? Have you got up and taken a stretch like I've been
saying to do what what have you got to say the only people only
like a couple of you that are active in the chat today. Maybe
you guys are busy or doing other things but I would love to hear
from you so far. You know what stood out for you so far? Do you
feel like it's too much and you just like had too much to take in
or do you feel that you are actually getting some benefit? Or
is it one of those situations where you're going to have to
watch back in order to be able to actually capture you know some of
the jewels that have been dropped Masha Allah raffia says just Masha
Allah Al Hamdulillah Okay, so okay, I've got Muhammad Malik's in
brother Saeed is in and Cocina the angel
dropped out. So in sha Allah he will he'll come back in again in
sha Allah to Zakum allow Hayden brothers Welcome back
it's another day, another day another presentation.
Masha Allah, O Allah, Allah Tala but a cattle How's their energy
level system? Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa all good
mashallah, I think there's definitely some Papa John's that's
coming on the scene shortly but hamdulillah all good and I really
wanted to thank you for the presentation yesterday or the
conversation yesterday so many gems dropped mashallah Tabata Kala
and something that I'm encouraging all parents to not just watch by
themselves but watch with their sons. You know, it was that kind
of advice. I'm sending it to my boys as soon as I have the as soon
as I have the recording, I definitely will be sharing it with
my sons. Because it was practical. It was practical, it was
realistic, it was hopeful. And it was you know from the foundation
of the deen so what more can you want me you know and what can you
ask for?
The outstanding personal relationships family have had tech
challenges today may Allah make it easy coach Nigeria I think you
need to speak with Coach Fatima because she had the best camera
today. Her camera was the only one that was mashallah on point. So
inshallah maybe you need to just grab her camera insha Allah so
that you can join but so brothers inshallah what we will do today,
what we did yesterday is that okay with you, Brother Mohammed, are
you okay to to moderate 100 Ah Allah Tala Allah. So the the topic
of conversation today is all about the qualities of the Muslim man,
which is a follow on, I guess a Muslim husband, a follow on from
yesterday. So yesterday was about preparing. And I guess now it's
more a case of a case of in the situation in the marriage. Okay,
you've secured the wife, you're married now, you know, what are
the qualities that you should be developing, still working on that
you will need as well? Like maybe we didn't talk about it yesterday,
but you know, tools, skills knowledge that you will need
inside the marriage? And then also what sisters should be looking for
as well when they're looking for a husband right? What are the signs
that they should look for to say this is this is you know, this is
husband material? I think maybe a continuation of yesterday's
conversation in sha Allah
should we wait for question of you to come on? Or should we kick it
off and let him come in and
we can jump in sha Allah Tala and as soon as kind of, you know,
technical issues are sorted and I'll just debrief what you
mentioned inshallah Tada Okay, so let's do that. Let me come off and
let me start the video in sha Allah Allah
All right, we'll just wait for the sound let me just
rush out
we just lost your sound no sound for the moment
sorry
yes
I'll start the video again. Shall I was was
this meeting is being recorded. All right, whisper lol
Hamdulillah. He was salatu salam ala Ashraful Ambia when we're
sitting and say that only
Hamid while earlier he was happy
so Allah coma for to lie to Allah but a cut to everybody joining in
live or watching this replay as well Charlotte Allah, we have with
us our their beloved brother. Shear say you do a little less you
look after you. We've got a very, very interesting conversation
today. And hopefully shaitana will be joined by close to zero as
well. We're talking about sort of a continuation as
I mentioned of our conversation yesterday, that was like
preparing, right in terms of you know, when you're on the search,
and now you've bagged the way for the soldier and what is what are
the qualities you know, to develop in a marriage and as we say in a
men mature like find when they say right, so what are those qualities
that we should be maturing and developing in in sha Allah Tala,
over to you, but the beloved
Allah
Assalamu alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh. Good evening,
everyone.
For me, it started with, like I said yesterday, my father, as an
example. I was too young at the time to start studying the theory
of Prophet Muhammad sallallaahu Salam, but right from the onset,
he was honest enough to tell me what he was doing wrong as a
husband and I could see where the fault lines are and the kind of
problems he was encountering and his conversations with me. You
know, do not do what I've done, so be sure to do the right thing. One
of the very first questions or the Muhammad that I asked my father
was, I wanted him to distinguish between what was traditional
cultural, and what was religious.
And in our society, there is the problem of different religion for
cultural tradition. And that became became so entrenched in so
many families, that people are actually offending Allah in the
way the husbands were relating to, that we're relating with the wives
and with the children. So his warning really struck a nerve. And
then my curiosity got the better part of me and then I started
studying the SIOP of Muhammad Sallallahu Sallam to see how he
related with his wives. And when I got married, and actually before I
even got married, like I said, I took a journey of self discovery
journey into the self to find out where I was short, where I was
found wanting, and tried to correct them even before the
marriage. Now, after the marriage, there's a natural learning curve,
you get to know yourself under those conditions, those
circumstances and you get to learn the know the wife, under those
same conditions and circumstances. You're coming from two cultural
backgrounds, and you're coming together to create your own unique
culture. What I didn't want to do and I caution Mariam is to take a
blueprint of how it was in our family and say, this is going to
be how my life is going to be like. I also cautioned her not to
bring the blueprint of her family and say that's how our mind life
is going to be like. So there was an issue of learning of study,
researching what the best qualities are of a Muslim husband,
from Rasul Allah and then the guy Salah Salem and the guidance given
to us by Allah and the Holy Quran in different verses about the role
of the man, the kawaman, the maintainer, the caretaker, the
protector, the shepherd of the flock. Now, all these things
require knowledge. You just don't become a good husband. by
happenstance, you study, use research, you sit down, you
discuss ultimately, like I said yesterday, ultimately, it's
starting this family building this family on the most solid of
foundations according to the Quran and the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam raising children that would become
assets to society. We, as a family strive to become exemplary worthy
of emulation. We're following the Quran and the Sunnah. So even in
the community, people could see these are the guidelines were
following, not culture, not really not not tradition, not that
instructions of parents, particularly if they go against
the teachings of Islam. So we you find yourself in a tight spot
people who have great respect for parents and value their opinion,
but when they start giving you instructions that are contrary to
the teachings of religion and the sunnah of Prophet Muhammad
Sallallahu sallam, you find yourself in a delicate situation
where you're trying to not offend them, but educate them in a very
tactful, respectful, courteous manner. And say, that's not the
way I am going. And these are the reasons why. So the biggest
challenge we had to break my heart to becoming a good husband is
first of all, seeking the knowledge disabuse in my mind from
what I grew up observing, because it was the natural default. And I
had to tell myself, I'm not going to be judged based on my culture,
or my tradition, will be based on the guidelines as they stipulated
in the Holy Quran, and accorded a son of Reverend Muhammad
Sallallahu Sallam so that learning curve once we get over it, and we
understood each person's own peaks and valleys, we then decided to
learn and grow together as we build a family and Asia Allah we
impart those qualities to the children as they come and
inshallah ultimately they also live according to those guidelines
even better than we did and in the process be at geria like I said
yesterday, the ultimate goal is to be engender together I think we
will fill in the gaps as we go I just want to stop there brother
Muhammad and let you take
color homos pal I really really person I've always wanted to have
a warm warm welcome to our dear brother, cosiness Emls Panatela
bless you just Aquila affair for for joining us mashallah I think
we've got a few Mutual's My dear brother, New Zealand, we haven't
really touched base by Charlotte and hopefully we've seen each
other somehow, but pleasure to have you
My dear brother, I'm just going to quickly mention a few points and
hand over to you the discussion today for the healthcare team,
Coach Nazir is around, it's a build up on the previous
conversation we had, which was, first How should a young brother
develop in terms of character in terms of, you know, assets to have
in order to get the get a good zoning, zoning as a solid, how to
sell how good righteous woman inshallah to Allah, we spoke
about, you know, national cider he's mentioning how, you know,
being an asset to society each each, you're essentially laying a
brick on you by you know, the woman that you marry the children
that you have in Charlottetown, and they all come together to
develop this home that we call the ALMA essentially, this building
this brick, essentially, and each of those bricks is very, very
important to be very solid, Inshallah, Thailand I think, you
know, mentioned a few points there, what's really interesting I
work in, in a very strange environment whereby, you know,
there's always this shifting, dynamic paradigm of diversity and
inclusion, and we talk about cultures like icebergs. So you've
got this 10% at the top, which is what seems to be on the face value
of a culture, you've got certain quirks but there's so much
underneath the culture sorry, underneath the surface level of
what we see which drives the culture, you know, beliefs around
gendered roles, beliefs around you know, self narrative, all that
type of stuff. It's a very interesting thing that their
brother side you mentioned about coming together to create your own
culture, what is it within our cultures, some of them are very
conducive to a good Islamic home, and some of them so how to like
and not be so conducive? How do we come together to you know, build
our own culture, you also mentioned about obviously, the,
the idea of the man being the Kawan. You know, Allah Subhan
Allah mentions in the Quran in Hiram, Georgia, we al Amin being
strong and being trustworthy as well. How do we develop this
within within the marriage being an asset to society and going
beyond what we these models that have played up in front of us of
our fathers, uncles, and going for the ultimate archetype? That is
laka dhikala confy rasool Allah He also worked on hacer una indeed
Allah subhanaw taala has given us the perfect example in the Vienna
Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and would love to go over
to my dear brother Kosha zero Sharla
soon not gonna miss out on school luck. Definitely a pleasure being
here appreciate you brothers, willing to drop knowledge and
share really what it takes to succeed at a high level, little
background about myself. When it comes to culture, I'm probably
have probably the only person on the panel that has a unique
position when it comes to that because my culture was stripped
from me through my ancestry. Alright, so I'm black American.
All right. Now of course my DNA. My people came from North Africa.
So when hamdulillah I'm sure that I'm the answer to some ancestors
do us to return to this Deen before my people were stolen in
slavery United States. So what happened for me was I was studying
I was raised Christian throughout the church.
So a lot of stuff going on. Long story short, I this old organized
religion, but I say no, I believe there's a guy just what I'm
falling right now is not it because I was deep dive into the
Bible, in Hamdulillah, in defining Islam as a teenager about 1617
ish. And I'm accepted Islam in my late teens. So what occurred
though, is there had to be a shift in my life. See, where I grew up
is normal for the dysfunction of alcoholism, domestic violence,
drug abuse, these things to happen in America. I mean, the belly of
the beast, I was in the Midwest, or what's called Jim Crow north,
versus Jim Crow, South very, very racist. I mean, the state I was
living in, locked up black men, number one per capita throughout
the entire country. Alright, what just on the other 6% of black
people in the entire state. Now the reason that's important is
because yeah, we have a culture as black Americans in general. Matter
of fact, we're the only group collectively outside of Africa
that had come from directly Africa, where there was just mass
conversion to Islam. I mean, Dr. Sherman Jackson really breaks the
history of Islam from slavery, to hip hop, actually before slavery.
And uh hum de la, you know, our good brother Abdullah Hakim,
quick, definitely good to see him for the hula, bridge that down
even that much more. So I had to learn an entirely different
culture. But I was thirsty for that coach, and I got married
young. So as he was speaking about marrying young, I initially got
married at 19. And the reason was, this was a new way of life. You
can't continue living in a certain fashion and being a woman and I
love women, that I haven't found any better creation than that. So
I will try to do what's right, and got married initially at 19. And
after 15 years of marriage and having with six children, I chose
to practice polygyny. So now I'm married to two women, and I've
seen biological children and for the last 12 or so years, I've been
practicing polygyny, rare to both of my wives because I wanted to
taste one, the sweetness of Islam
And what it requires of men and I encourage men to be qualified to
do so. Especially in today's time with the marriage crisis that we
have. So one getting married young, we have the ability for my
wife's grandmother, at least my grandmother in law to allow us she
had a basement, but in the basement had his own kitchen in
different area. So we ever to get young and still have somewhere to
kind of live and build a life from then as I got better with
employment got a little bit more money we moved out about a year or
so later, and moved on. So the thing is, when we're talking about
foundationally, there's two things that are going to impact you and
I'm talking to the men what anything else throughout the rest
of your life. One is your dean, you're a snob, that's your
foundation. With that those people are successful, no matter if you
fail in everything else, because there's absolutely no reason to be
successful in anything other than Islam. And still consider yourself
a success. That's an abject failure. All right, when we look
at things and sometimes we get this imagination and say, Oh,
well, I was gonna make the work that this out for me working
software is going to turn out good. Maybe it won't. But Allah,
Allah still will work it out for you. If you look, for example,
it's sort of to broach right? We look at these Africans, alright,
and I believe wasn't happy, at least from the different types of
care I've read. You look at the people who were successful were
those who jumped in the fire and kept on to the sweetness of the
man. That was success. We not we may not look at that as success,
but only Allah to Allah knows what successes and that sweetness of
the man number one, that's the first thing get should Dean right.
Understand it, who is the best example ever that has walked this
planet, we have an open book test. So as a man, that's the first
thing, that's the first thing and we're taught, protect, providing
exert your personal power, at least that's what I was taught.
That's what I also teach. So the second Money, money is going to
impact you and affect you everything you do, how much you
can give, look at how the Sahaba looked at it. When the Prophet I
said to Islam taught some of the poor companions about this, you
know, this test B, they were saying SubhanAllah 33 times on
Hamdulillah, 32, trans, Allahu Akbar 34. Right. And they were
taught this and they know, but then the Companions came in who
had money, and then they learned and they got jealous, or they got
jealous, you know, but the ones who came in didn't see that as
something beneath them, they wanted to get more about it. So if
three things follow us after we're gone, and they do a righteous
shout out praise for you, money that you spend, that continues to
benefit people continue to write. And now there's actually that
continues to benefit people. They'd be greedy for those three
things. But those two things will determine your options with your
family, where you're able to live, how you're able to feed them what
your health looks like, you know, compromise your principles, your
integrity, if you chose to have to go and work for somebody else,
versus working for you. If you're able to travel if you're able to
perform hij even. So, learn these two things as soon as possible
make them a life long study. And the sooner the better. Because of
course, we know what the sooner the best.
How to love that the sooner the best Allama Berta can do some that
know about knowledge. Subhanallah one thing that came to my mind is
how we as mentioned, lead with knowledge, essentially, we leading
with knowledge, and example chef gave to me was, imagine your hero
your sense of protective jealousy. In that something what's happened
to your wife in terms of the fix of menses, the thick of
menstruation, and you don't know where to go to you know, you don't
you don't know the sources, you're completely out of it, you know, in
touch with knowledge. And you having to call up a chef and say,
Look, Chef, this is happening with my wife and mother and your sense
of, you know, how he is humbling situation. So having that being in
touch with knowledge, continuing your growth in that regard, and
other things as well, Charlottesville brothers,
hamdulillah they're doing jujitsu, that they are excelling within
these various fields and the shadow to Allah, you know, as far
as we would show like, fine 100 Allah, Allah Subhana Allah has
given us a slightly different timeline. hamdulillah and, you
know, keeping us not losing that edge as well. This is a separate
topic about you know, not losing those connections. Those iron
sharpens iron, so making sure you're with solid, you know,
masculine dominant, you know, brothers around you, Charlotte,
Allah on the deal as well that you can keep that edge and you don't
lose it completely by being over, you know, having too much of a
closeness with your with, you know, with the women that you're
married to, essentially and you essentially, you know, desire is
like a fire, it requires a bit of space to burn, right. So shout
over to anybody that would like to jump in. Sure. So you know, we'll
go over to you.
Like I said, given my background, what I grew up seeing and the
cautionary advice that my father gave me, he was a polygamist. Like
I said yesterday, throughout his lifetime, he'd been married to
seven women. And I remember I was about 16. And he often between
Azur and McGraw Hill, reading the Quran have a tendency to just sit
next to him as he reads. And he just looked
At one day, he just finished what we call secondary school here,
preparing to go to university. And he said, he called me by my name
as if I live long enough to see you might have a wonderful woman.
And then you come to me and tell me, you need my blessing to marry
another wife, I'll go down on my knees and beg you not to. Now that
struck me, because at the time, my father said that he was married to
four wives. Now, I never got a chance to say, Why did you say
that? But what I realized later is, and I am really happy to hear
coaching, as they say where he said, Because and he made a point
earlier where he said, for those brothers who have the ability and
the knowledge to go into polygamy, he encourages them to do so. We
have a situation in Nigeria, and our way the ratio of men to women
is really very skewed. There are much many more women than there
are men. And I advocate the same thing. But the caution that
brother Nazir, that phrase, that clause, if you have the knowledge
and the means is very critical, because you go to so to answer
what Allah said, You can marry two, three or four. But if you
don't have the ability to be just stay with one and the aspect of
the Mohammed but you talked about that knowledge seeking that
knowledge is so crucial for the success of our marriages, and that
is lacking, there is a lack of continuous positive curiosity in
our Ummah, especially by the men, knowledge that would benefit you.
So let's understand, I said the husband is like the shepherd of
this flock, right? Whatever direction he goes, they follow.
Ultimately, he will be held accountable on how he managed his
wife or wives and children. How knowledgeable, knowledgeable? Are
you to be an asset to society? Are you on constant quest in seeking
that knowledge and imparting that knowledge? And in what manner? Do
you impart that knowledge to the why is it in an authoritarian
manner? Or is it No Come? Let's grow together for Allah sake. And
yes, let's come together, grow for Allah sake, and raise our children
in the best manner possible. The challenge one of the challenges
is, I observed also, I am the first of 26 children
of my father,
being the first I got an advantage because I had everybody's
attention. I was nurtured by everybody. Everybody was how did
you do in school? This and that, you know, what games do you play?
How good are you and this and this and that. Then I, as I grew up, I
realized those in the middle were kind of left out, than the ones to
the end will come to the sport and they became a problem. Now you
think about 26 kids, it's not easy. I here with another say 10.
And that I have a family friend, who had family, family friend,
they have tickets. And the father, when he comes back from what
Believe you me brothers, he calls each kid one by one to know how
that day went, this is a father that is deliberate, that is
intentional, that is present and is involved. Now, with the 26 of
us, some really fell through the cracks. And I just you know, we're
we're talking about how to be a good husband, and brother Nazir
hit a hit the nail on the head, you know, and people don't really
think about this, that knowledge aspect and the capacity aspect.
But then as you talked about the financial aspect, having the
ability to cater and care and nurture your children and provide
for them. Those are serious issues that brothers need to think about.
And what my father said, I realized later why he said it.
He observed me.
I have a very soft heart and gentle heart and I pity women. And
I think my father's love and care and concern for him and led him to
marry so many of them. And I realized I can't be the same way
because he realized I said no, don't do what I did. That's his
nature. And that's something I inherited from him. And he just he
was right and say don't, because Allah have mercy on him. He had
his challenges. But again, going back to the point, brother Nazir
made those that have the capacity and the knowledge, please, we do
encourage I'm not discouraging polygamy. I don't want to be
misunderstood. But there's some of us that don't have the ability to
do it and execute it in as good a manner as is possible. The likes
of brothers you should be heard more often. So that they talk
about how they are managing this complex relationship because it is
complex. You know, you have to know how to manage and be just
add, be attentive, be nurturing, be supportive, be encouraging, be
motivational to them, and so on and so forth and characters
personalities being different. You have to also know how to manage
The differences insha Allah I'll stop here. I don't know what else
to add to that.
I will say we have to be clear, though, when it comes to
knowledge, because knowledge is only one thing and if you look at
the other modules, if you look at it even robotic or humans, Allah
already, like you said, um, you know, we people are in greater
need of little manners than a great deal of knowledge. Yes. So
the challenge comes with our ability to have that good
character, to have that high. Yeah, to have that gentleness when
it's time for gentleness, but to have that courage and bravery when
it's time for that as well. Because you can we can, we can.
And sadly, I'm sure you've seen it as well, as I've seen it, you have
some people that have lots of knowledge, but that they beat
people over the head with knowledge. Well, you can house
without my permission, therefore this and that, technically is
correct. But it's horrible application. Yes, so badly when
we're talking about manhood, if we don't start with ourselves, and
our own GQ, our own growth quotient. So one of the things I
ask people that I coach, because my wife and I, we do coach that we
know that set polygyny, where people can learn from so we
started the whole company with a called outstanding personal
relationships. So we teach people about polygyny. And it's different
dynamics, because it's important because people will say, Oh, I
support it when it's done, right? But what do you go to find it, we
have any people doing it, but they're not teaching it is taboo.
In today's society, it's looked at as backwards, even though it's an
ancient solution to a modern a problem. Now, I encourage men to
strive for it, even if they don't intend to practice it. But I
encourage them to strive for it, because what it will make of them.
Because if you have to be dealing with different dynamics with
different women, and women are women, there's some of the most
challenging beautiful things that Allah to Allah created, right? So
we have to be able to effectively communicate with them articulate
ourselves to be gentle at the same time having the strength that we
need to have to not capitulating to every single thing, and having
concessions while at the same time sharing with them what we need our
needs and our wants. And at the same time providing there's Okay,
and being that cover for each other. Yeah. So if you are
striving to do so, then you fit the category to when that decision
comes is something noble, you know why? Because not having those
mentors, even if we have the knowledge, not having those
manners. There are people that are addicted to *, they have
prostitutes that escorts they have all kinds of stuff. I don't care
if we're talking about people, Muslims, imams, different people
on the circuit, or you have these serial polygynous. They've married
2525 months. Yeah, you know, so we have all of that going on. We miss
recognize we have to take that internal wolf growth quotient.
What's going on with that? What are the next five books you're
reading? You know, what have you read on leadership? Teach me
something. What do you tell telling your sons? What is a good
age for them to get married? What is considered a man? What are we
teaching our daughters see as the father of 10, I have four
daughters first. Alright. And then six sons. And I have two bonus
children from my other wife. It's bonus children is considered
stepchildren, if you will, so does a dozen children. That's my
responsibility. Yeah.
So we have to be the ones to quiz them and to teach them but I'm
gonna pause there. But I absolutely encourage everybody to
strive for it. Even if that's not your goal, simply for what it will
make your view because we have too many men.
Okay, with being unjust, or feeling oh, I can't do it. I'm
unjust, or too many women that are okay with the husband as weak,
even though he may have the means, even though he may do it, but he
feels Oh, well, I can't be just I can't do this when our women are
the ones who are suffering and in turn, how are we going to be
Kalaam? If we're not stepping up to the challenge that lots of
Allah has given us,
cautiously, I really love this concept of Hanalei, striving for
her son you mentioned the beautiful Hadith of the people who
complain to us or sell them about you know, these men these people
they have more wealth than us, give us something to give us an
edge worth selling me said you know, Allah had for the Allah He
beauty He made sure this is the blessing and the father of Allah
He gives it to his wish you wishing you're talking about the
resources. Similarly, you know, if it's a righteous man with more
than one wife more than you know, more than 10 children as you're
saying that that is a good righteous man. So all of us if we
if even if we don't intend even if we don't end up getting there,
striving for that to be an excellent man to have more
resources to be the multimillionaire to have many
insha Allah Tala women and many many children's shots. That should
be the basis should should be something that we should strive
for that there are a few questions the Sharla, Tala, from from the
sisters and from other people that are tuning tuning in as well sha
Allah. And before that, if there's any, if there's any points you've
always wanted to mention, feel free to then then I'll hit you
with the questions or should I hit you with the questions now?
Very quickly, we talked about character which we touched upon
Yesterday
in preparation, and we emphasize the importance of parenting and
proper parenting, when we talked about if you're looking for the
ideal, why are you a potentially ideal husband. And that way,
there's a lot of focus on what a man wants, but we don't spend time
on what a woman also wants. So it's not a one road kind of street
one way street way, it's always the man defining what he wants,
where he this and this and that. You cannot say, I'm out there
looking for the right wife when you're not the right husband. And
so what witness is saying about a character knowledge? Absolutely.
Because we talked about this yesterday and say parents have
responsibility. What did Allah says our responsibility as
parents, the kids, go tarbiyah good education, Islamic and
secular. So it starts from the home from the Father, making sure
and if you were raised without that, then you have, of course,
you're obligated to seek it out and see, how do I change? And
yesterday we talked about examining yourself.
I do you what are your challenges? What are your shortcomings, what
are those that you need to improve upon to be an attractive person to
another woman, I mean, to a woman, or an extra woman, going by by the
brothers essay, but we have this issue where brother zero talked
about serial, Li polygamous or polygynous, we have that problem
in Nigeria. And one of the big problems is he also touched upon
it the other day.
And you go to many places where imams are saying marry two, three
or four, but Allah Himself you search in the sense that if you
cannot be just, and there are people who are gonna say, You know
what, I don't have it in me. I can't. And I'm not ashamed about
it. That's people forget, people forget, when they talk about
polygyny, they forget, for 25 years or so as Allison was only my
two I didn't realize
that was a sunnah he did not marry anybody for those years, that
later after her passing, then he married my wife. So I want us to
be careful so that people don't feel we're pushing them in a
corner that they have to be polygamist or polygynous, we have
to be mindful that coming back to the issue of Adam, as men, as
fathers, I had a very intense conversation here in our society
in Nigeria. And men were admitting to me, these are people with three
four wives admitting to me that in all honesty, they are failing
their children.
That's a worry.
And we need to be careful, we're not producing children that end up
becoming liabilities problems to society. I just want to say that
before we start taking the questions shall be
cautious. Because even though the US Well, as you say, the de facto
according to many of the seller, familiar the Scholars is to add to
the is to have pathological is alleged to have many wives, Imam
Muhammad his opinion was, that one is better. And I think Pamela,
even my, one of my co stars he's mentioning, the problem we have in
London, in particular, you know, some parts of London, is that the
brothers are putting the women on dole, so they're marrying multiple
Hamdulillah. However, they don't have the resources and their
emotional intelligence. And this ties in perfectly to the question
from one of the sisters is a how do you advise mothers to deal with
their wives emotions, as this causes many conflicts? So if the
brother is not even able to emotionally cater to the first
Subhanallah, and he's, you know, stretching way beyond his means,
but the question is, do you have any thoughts on what was mentioned
over there by our dear brothers? I do as well as this question on
emotions.
Yeah, absolutely. First, I will let you know that there's this
book called muscles, parenting on purpose, because the brother
really hit it on the head, it's our responsibility. And I wrote
this book. It's like a dozen years ago. It's not a plug for the book.
But the point is, I started with that. And that the reason my wife
and I even started talking more about going into the relationship
part is because many of the children are coming from
dysfunctional parents. All right, they are products of an
environment that is extremely dysfunctional. Yes. Okay. So if we
don't deal with the crux there, is going to trickle down and is going
to cause all kinds of issues. We'll be dealing with different
types of traumas and all kinds of other things later on in life. So
you absolutely hit it right on the head. Now again, with polygyny, I
strive everybody that everyone should be qualified to do so. Not
everybody can do it. First of all, because there's not enough women
in the world. Okay, but it's a solution to a major problem. And
it shouldn't be looked at as a taboo. It's normalized for those
who are already doing that growth work is very important. Now when
it comes to it, we have to understand it
Whether the principles are in polygyny, or monogamy or whatever,
when it comes to dealing with their wives emotions, because
there's a few different things. When I talk about a man being
ready and being more attractive, this doesn't have this this period
working on yourself. When I'm talking about GQ, I talked about
five things right. And we wrote about it in this polygamy on
roadmap. But talk about one, your mental and emotional health, we
have to check in on ourselves. There's something called aces,
where advice, adverse childhood experiences, that Dr. Nadine Burke
Harris really broke it down. Even her TED talks are a book called
The deepest well, to find out we have our own triggers and our own
things that affect and impact us that can still be coming out. All
right, and coming out negatively mirror, so your mental and
emotional health, then of course, you have to have some leadership
skills, beginning with leading yourself in you leading yourself
by submitting and that's what Islam is, Islam is submitted to
the will of Allah to Allah, a person who commits to Islam as a
Muslim, you know, you know, we know this, in general is a term.
Well, you also have to remember that lots of Allah had caught some
Muslims. I said, No, they're not believers, they just Muslims, is a
very distinct difference that we must be careful of simply being
Muslim is not enough. That's not good enough. I mean, it's better
than COVID, of course, and being a Catholic, but we must understand
the first person who was going to be thrown in Jahannam is a Muslim,
a half is, okay. So being Muslim is not enough, we have to be
working toward that. So now less, so of course, you have to have
some leadership skills, then you also have to make sure that you're
Fiscally Fit.
Understanding that, all right, you have to be physically fit, you
have to be strong, someone not being weak, you know, a strong
Muslim is better than a weak Muslim. But the most important
part is having those noble core values. And that's where our Dean
comes in. So these are five things. So if you're looking as a
man to be more attractive, when this to attract one wife, or more,
right now you have the advantage because there are more women than
men in general, in certain areas across the world is like maybe
half percent more men, but it's not like we just match up because,
oh, here's a man, there's one Oh, we'll just go ahead and get
married. That's not really how it works. You have to do
marriageable, there's all kinds of other qualities and attributes.
And as a chef, I blocking quote, was talking about just having that
chemistry. But let me talk about the emotional challenges since we
are different. One we have to understand we're different. So
example, no man wants to a woman, no man that I know that has any
quality or you know, noble values. One a woman that he has to handle,
you handle a car, you handle a horse or a camel, handling another
human being is problematic. All right. Many times there are temper
tantrums, there are emotions that are over the top, and then excuse
it, and there are many different things. Now we know the wisdom of
the sloths, panela, the different hormonal challenges throughout the
month, and these different things that happened with women and we
advise to be gentle and be the best of them. But let me read
this. This translation is Hadith. In a society, where narrated
abhorring were already love and get reading in English has
narrated that it was asked to Mr. Pillai Alexa to listen to this
advice. Which one is best?
direct question Which woman is best? The Prophet reset to Islam
said the one who makes him happy when he looks at her. When he
looks at her men are seduced by the eyes. Women are seduced by
their ears. That's the first thing second obeys and when he commands
her, and she doesn't go against his wishes, with regards to
herself, nor her wealth, so if you want to know what the best is,
that's answered, If you want to know what the worst is, that's
also answered We have Islam Islam is open book. The worst answer the
worst is when the Prophet makes Abdul Salam said he saw the
inhabitants of the Hellfire the majority of them were women. This
is a long Hadith not gonna get to the whole thing. But this was an
okay, why what's going on? Why, what's up with it? And he
mentioned about them being ungrateful to their husbands and
then gave an example of how they throw all the goodies done for
them out the window. If he does something they don't like. Yes. So
as women the very first thing is ask ourselves we have to ask of
course you've been woman have to ask yourself
and, and my arm my emotions over the top, or they level is right
here in the middle. Where is it? How am I displaying?
How am I displaying that with me?
Excuse me.
Yeah, so sorry. I just thought I just just wanted to kind of ask
ask that question. Really the how do how do the brothers Sorry,
sorry to cut you off? I think I didn't hear I thought was a
natural, natural pause. But how should brothers then deal with
with these with these emotions? Are there any guidelines here
because you know,
men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, that type of stuff,
but Charlottetown if you could shed a bit late on that and the
first thing a man should do is listen.
And also understand that we are just as emotional as women, but we
usually tend to have different ones. When we are hurt. We do
We fought to anger. And Prophet Lisa to Salam said, let them
control your anger, control your anger. So to listen, listen,
listen between the lines, listen between the lines, you might she
may be complaining about something, maybe crying about
something, maybe it's a hug that's needed. Maybe she just thinks
she's lonely, or she doesn't feel supported many times we jump in as
men and we like to solve things. We're problem solvers. That's what
we're taught to do. We fix stuff we move on, this is what we have
to do. Stop fixing stuff right away. Stop fixing stuff right
away, you will if you have a wife, like my wives, they talk much more
than me. All right, thank you. So when they talk, they want to feel
heard. So if you're listening actively, not with a device in
your hand or anything, if you're listening, they can talk for an
hour, and feel like, oh, this was a great conversation, and you make
me feel great. You might know the solution right away, where if you
did this, or do that, or don't do this, or don't do that, or maybe
this person, but you, you're listening. And you're asking,
Well, what do you think? Or how do you listen, active listening goes
farther, because many people don't feel listened to, especially if
it's a mother, and she's having a lot of baby conversations all day.
And you're the only other adult around in humanity that she talks
to outside of social media or something like that. One is
listening to is asking questions. What did she say in between the
lines? Maybe she's missing something from I think going on
with this event is one of the five love languages. Maybe it's a
simple touch. You know, maybe it's the kiss on the forehead, maybe
it's uh, you know, help me understand.
Alright, but now at the same time, here's the trick.
I would advise getting books like how to win.
Not How to Win Friends Influence People. But when winning with
people, winning with people with Jhansi Maxwell, winning with
people gives you some very good strategies. And you look at this
and you look at life properly cetera salaam, when he needed
advice when he was he didn't know what to do with trigger, baby and
went to go talk to his wife. She's the one who gave him advice when
every single companion that we love and that we honor was so
emotional that they disobeyed Him when He told him to do something.
But his wife gave him comfort, just like our mother had the
jewelry law. Right gave him comfort when he went to her. Now,
we also must understand as our wives are coming to us, they're
coming to us for that protection. They're coming to us for providing
that good advice. This is our time to step our leadership skills up.
It may not be easy, because you might not want to hear it or you
might have a solution to maybe busy. But at the same time, you
also have to decipher when it becomes on the line of emotional
manipulation. Women are masters at that, because the prophets that
Islam also let us know that a right minded man to be led astray.
All right, so we have to make sure we are clear in what we do.
Meaning that if you're doing something pilau something that is
right, something that you have to do. Alright, you might leave the
bed, you make it, you make it feom. Or you have to take another
job you have to do whatever it is you're doing, are you spending
more time with the children or taking something and she might
want some time and you can, you have to be able to discern the
difference between manipulation and what must need to be done.
Because of the fact that it matters. We're men and men were
built to protect and to go out and to provide. And even if that time
might be missed, you're doing that for your Lord, and understanding
that we are checking in and checking out just like a hotel.
Anyway, I'm sorry about that. But
I just want to take us back to the definition of a good wife.
So as Allison said, You can marry a woman for a beauty,
a wealth, a genealogy, and her piety. And he said he will rub the
face of the one who marries a woman other than her piety.
Now, the question of manipulation in every marriage, there is there
is the honeymoon period. It could last six months, it could last
nine months. You really don't know each other that well, at that
time. Forget about the courtship. I quoted Marian for three years.
And after getting married, have all the discussions we've had
everything we I thought we should have discussed we did. But upon
getting married, of course, you learn new things. Now we had
problems for six years.
communication problem. We had ineffective listening, we had poor
communication skills. One day, Marian said to me.
I want you to tell me what it is I'm doing that you don't like what
it is I'm doing that you like what it is. I'm not doing what you like
me to start doing.
I took a moment and I said Wow.
But then she wanted to say All I'm asking is Be kind and merciful.
Absolutely. I made a list
laid them out
but only occurred to me to be fair and just, I shall reciprocate. And
as a Marine, I'd like you to make the same list about me.
That was a key to the solutions to our problems. Now, we've made it a
point, every six months to revisit that, to go back like a refresh
is constant.
The level of communication is so advanced, that we can finish each
other sentences, we have no locks on our phones, she can access to
my phone, I can access hers, she can access my bank account, I can
access hers. We've worked on this so much that we've become almost
we are the best of friends.
The issue of emotion is, she had to tell me, this is what I'm
feeling when I'm going through this. So I got to know and know
what to do when she's having those challenges. I'm not guessing
anything. I'm not supposing anything. It's not a trial and
error. I know what she's going through. I know what she needs,
and I give her what she needs. Same thing applies to me.
So knowing one another, growing together, reading together sharing
Hadith course of the Quran together, constant communication,
I talked to my wife, if it's low, three times a day.
That's how often we communicate,
present deliberate intent. And quest always curious what's
happening. I know my wife very well.
We've gone beyond manipulation. That doesn't exist. We're
straightforward. We're honest with each other. But then there's your
talks about something. Being physically able and strong. That's
a problem, not just in polygamy or polygyny is but even in monogamy
is my man I've been counseling women for 20 years. And the
complaint of lack of involvement, lack of emotional attachment not
being heard, but as we talked about it, but honestly speaking,
when we have lectures, and we invite people to come 80% of those
attending those lectures are women.
20% men.
Our concern is if you were supposed to be the leader of the
family, you don't come to seek knowledge. You don't come to
deliberate, to interact to learn. Then we're complaining. We the men
are complaining, but we're not stepping up to the plate. We're
not living up to our responsibilities,
said the best amongst you are those who were best to their
wives. And I am the best amongst you, how many of us are really
that good to our wives, without expectations, setting rules,
setting targets and so on, isn't just about us, is about us combine
husbands and wives, not just about the men.
If anything, when I talk about when I counsel when I talk about
the rights and responsibilities of husbands and wives in Islam, I am
tempted
to think that women may have a tad bit more rights or privileges than
we do.
And that is what I focused on. There is no competition between my
wife and I know it's together, growing together, raising children
together, hopefully Insha Allah, Allah knows Rama, we go to Jana
together, that's the ultimate goal.
Now, if men and women would not see as us versus them,
and living up to the expectations as stipulated in the Holy Quran
and the Quran and Sunnah Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu sallam, we
shouldn't be having these problems. But we as attentive to
our women, with all that they give us, are we as attentive as we
should be?
I'm concerned, very concerned about the designation of their
manipulation.
I'm worried about that, because some men will take it and run with
it. So we need to be careful. If we make the right selection, based
on the guidelines are stimulated by Rasulullah, investigate whether
it's the man or the woman, embark on a Sahara seeking Allah's
guidance. If this is the best for me, my family and the OMA
then Insha Allah, we shouldn't encounter those things. But in the
event that we do,
ask the heads of the households, we have a responsibility to set
them right and say no, that is wrong. And it's a sin because
fulfilling the rights and respect
possibilities of husbands and wives by both men and women, acts
of a bad, not fulfilling them is an offense to Allah.
I'll stop here.
Just want to quickly mention this point, I think have a beautiful
pattern and points mentioned, but have a slightly different myself
and the brothers that Hamdulillah that you know we're in touch with,
slightly different to say that in terms of what we you mentioned
there in terms of the proximity between man and wife, nice, I was
actually having this conversation with my, with my wife about
friendship, can can a husband and wife actually be friends. And what
we what we spoke about is there's this air of respect and authority
that she has for me and she actually she actually said, You
know what, I don't think we can be friends because friendship. When
we talk about friends and in a general sense, it that then
correlates to equality when we're talking about friends as in the
same same type of thing and this and this idea of desire, requires
some sort of space or brother said to me in a very poetic way said
between the two lovers that needs to be the breeze of love needs to
flow and this kind of idea of being so close again, the men if
they may become fully absorbed into their into their women folk
then become they lose their masculine edge if you know iron
sharpens iron, if the brothers are spending the whole day with their
wives, they're not out there, you know, in the gym, or you know, in
the Halacha to Ireland with others brothers seeking knowledge or, or
doing things that are boosting their testosterone that they're
going to lose that which Allah subhanaw taala has given them as
an incredible edge and we're suffering a pandemic we can say
we're by now the pound for pound, you know, force of a male
handshake is the average of that is less than a women's strength of
her handshake. Subhanallah and testosterone is at an all time,
low Subhan Allah Allahu Allahu wa Stein Allah Dalek. So this type of
you know, just to kind of ensure that I'm sure you know,
the other side is not alluding to us, you know, losing that edge
keeping the edge Allah Tala, but this idea, when I'm hearing about
sharing passwords, I'm like, There's no way I'm gonna share my
phone when I need to have my own. You know, I'm saying, She caught
me seeing, seeing the DMS of getting, you know, said, so
May I May I be so rude as a button here. I'd like to I'd like to
insha Allah for the sake of the panel, and for the sake of the
audience, as well just provide some context. And I think this is
really crucial.
Brother say he is based in Nigeria, the Nigerian culture,
Nigerian men, Nigerian women, and whatever issues they have very
different to what we're facing in the West. So you know, the things
you're talking about, probably Brother Mohammed, lack of
testosterone, men not being men, you know, feeling more feminine?
And all of that for this ad saying, no, no, no, these guys are
hyper, in certain way, is, you know, and they actually need to
come a bit down, you know, and like, make it a bit closer to the
Sun or the balance, right. So I think for the sake of the
audience, and for the sake of the panel, I'd like to avoid us losing
sight of that. Every one of you is operating in a different context,
both demographically and in terms of your own personal situations.
Brother side's been married for for over 30 years, coaching in
theory, married to he is married to two women, 1220 years plus,
Brother Muhammad, you're married for a couple of months. So
everyone is going to have their own experience. And you've been
looking for a long time. You're a millennial militia, one of the
young ones. So your, the world that you inhabit, is different to
the world that brother Saeed inhabits. And even Kushner, even
though he's probably more plugged in, so in sha Allah, so we don't
go away over time. And so we can make this as beneficial as
possible. I think we know that there are certain we, as you've
said, ways that men need to show up. And the ways that men need to
show up are exemplified by the Prophet sallallahu, alayhi
wasallam, yes, and require to AB they require work, right, they
require and I think every one of you has said that in different
ways, which is that if a man is going to be the man, he needs to
step up, he needs to push himself, he needs to be prepared to grow,
he needs to be prepared to, you know, to get out of his comfort
zone, as we said yesterday, and that's spiritually with regards to
learning Dean, you know, financially with regards to
getting his money up, you know, physically with regards to his
fitness, you know, and his health and his wellness. You know, we
know that that's an issue too, and in the intimate space as well with
regards to his connection with his wife. So I think this is one of
those ones that would have been a three hour stream if we had the
time, but unfortunately, we don't. But I would like to say
Thank all of you for you know, for really opening our minds to so
many different angles on this conversation. And I hope inshallah
that we can continue to have this conversation because they are
needed by the brothers by the sisters and also for the next
generation in sha Allah. So just like I'm allow halen Thank you,
thank you. I just I just feel
very quickly for just to give you a little background when I was
growing up. The mothers are in the segment, a separate part of the
house, they're nowhere close to my father. When he comes back from
work and they bring his lunch when they serve him the lunch, they
kneel down in front of him as a sign of respect. Oh, yeah, that's
still happening in our society. Now, Rasulullah sallallahu sallam
said, If I were to ask anybody to bow to anybody out ask the wife to
bow to the husband? Or is this was my dad, and I said, is what my
mother is? What are the things that my mothers are doing? Is that
religion? Or is that tradition? My father said, that is tradition.
And I said, is it right? He said, No, it is wrong. So I grew up in
this separation in this distance. And if you were to talk to Mariam
about whether I've lost my testosterone, if I'm the man,
she'll be the first person to tell you far from it. And she always
cautious people forget about this laughter the smile you see on his
way, this guy is a very tough guy, you know, and that will never go I
mean, I understand and I draw the line, I dedicate, I know where
things stop and when they start. So I understand that, you know,
but my wife over 31 years, what we've been able to build in terms
of a marriage of family, and what we've been able Alhamdulillah to,
I hope contribute to the Ummah is based on that decision that I
took, that I'm not going to have the relationship my father had
with my mother and his other wives with my wife, because it was very
unhealthy. And it was not beneficial to the women as far as
growing together, learning and raising children. Like I told you,
I got the best of both sides. You know, I got everybody, but right
after me two, three people down the line are 26 You can imagine
what it was like for the others which bernazard touched upon, you
know, but that's the reason and I totally see where you're coming
from Brother, Mohammed. I want to give you 10 years and I'll call
you again and see how you guys doing
okay, now I've got Nigerian brothers. I'm Nigerian brothers. I
call them Nigerian stallions
I tried I tried rolling with them on the mats always Hala always
humbling experience Allama
there's no doubt about that. I can't even capsule Exactly yeah,
that's just the name of said is two different scenarios and
environments and and over here in the Western Charlottetown like
it'd be lovely for you to come down you'll see it's a very sad
state of affairs Mianus Peninsula, rectify affairs and insurance I
look my brothers do plug into into coach Maziar into their beloved
brother sorry do as well which Allah to Allah and benefit benefit
inshallah to Allah you know, with all that's going on you do have
sources of information and guidance and as you know this is
the wealth of experience right brothers like myself in sha Allah
Tala we were benefiting from brothers like our their brothers
say do and coaches inshallah Taliban are supposed to keep you
on the shoulder to Allah example of Highland
rather than a zero budget meeting rather than a zero.
I was lucky. What did you love? Let's definitely connect.
Okay, I'm going to transition to the sisters now in Sharla. Does
that cut off Erin brothers take it for taking time out of your
schedules. And yes,
this conference has been very interesting, Masha, Allah, lots of
Yeah, lots of thoughts being provoked, which is always good.
hamdulillah and I think
because we've had a whole year of conversations since last year's
conference. certain ideas have become sort of, yeah. Anyway,
people are watching and Sharla if you would like to know more about
brother side and sister Miriam is journey, which has been a very,
very interesting journey. And maybe not what you'd expect, do
watch their the podcast interview that we that I did with them on
the marriage conversation. It's on my channel. Extremely interesting.
And I also have a fantastic interview with Coach Anna Vera and
his wives and the process that they went through. So that's also
on the channel so Insha Allah, if you're curious and you want to
know more about them and their story, then feel free to
You go and watch their podcast in sha Allah, right transitioning to
the next panel and it's not over yet. We've got our sisters panel,
mashallah, there's our wives panel actually. And this wives panel is
built around advice that sisters will give their daughters about
being good wives. All right. So so far I've got Aisha Mercedes here.
And I've got
Nyima on ESA and Maryam Arafat is here and if you guys are watching
yesterday, you will see you will know Maria matter of fact, I
recognize her from yesterday in sha Allah. But I think we do a
couple of other people as well. So we'll just wait for them
psychosis, I guess is this.
How's it going? Have you guys managed to watch any of the talk
so far?
You will have to unmute.
Friday, conservative Okay, Ted Hamdulillah. Hamdulillah. All
good. Have you managed to see any of the talk so far? ISIS? Yeah,
I've seen a few. The last one was interesting. This one just Yeah,
the one just now and I kind of felt like that joining this panel.
I felt a bit like my Hammett. In no way. Been married a few years
and everybody else you know, masha Allah, Allah Mubarak, may Allah
bless their unions has been married to sort of triple
quadruple the amount of time I have. So
it's good to give different perspectives on things. And he's
right in saying, you know, in the West, Nigeria, even some of the,
you know, Arab countries, very different experiences, isn't it?
This is very, very different. And the obviously, everybody faces
problems and issues and challenges. But those challenges
are different. They are different.
And, you know, I think we know, especially if you're plugged into
certain online spaces, it's easy to think that what you see is the
case for everyone and everywhere, right? And it's just not the case.
It's just not the case. It doesn't even matter what you see on social
media is just not the case. Because different demographics,
different communities, different different ages within those
communities, right, different classes, right within those
communities, different levels of practicing, everything all makes
such a big differences and things that we can see societally
happening, but how that plays out in individual communities and
societies is so so different. Mashallah. Testimonium welcome
back. So, Annie come
how are you?
I'm doing
okay. Now the two coaches are there both of them have got their,
their cameras on point.
That was funny.
Yeah. Let's see. So sis says Yes, as a Latin revert. I've noticed
the sisters in Latin America face different marriage issues than
sisters from other countries, cultures and contexts. 100%. Not
to mention the differences between human beings, right in terms of
personality, in terms of temperament in terms of, you know,
jobs and levels of knowledge, so many differences. And it's okay,
guys, I just want to say this before we start off.
It's okay. If someone's view of the world is different to yours.
It's okay.
Their view of the world is informed by their experience and
their perspective. And I think people seem to, I feel, it seems
to me that people forget that. They expect you if you are Muslim,
or whatever, if you're a Muslim, or if you're married, or if you're
in polygyny, or if you're mixed race or whatever, that you will,
by default, have a certain opinion, and a certain
perspective. And the reality is, it's just not the case, because
everyone is, is unfortunately, we have to filter reality through our
own lens. So for example, how coach Fatima speaks about polygyny
versus another initial wife whose husband maybe did it on the sly,
you know, dragged her through the mud, you know, started neglecting
her and her kids were traumatized. And all of that. The way she will
speak about polygyny is completely different. But they're both
Muslim. They're both initial wives. They both have been through
the same thing. But their experience of it has led them to a
different understanding. And I think that it's it's unfair to
expect every speaker to have the same opinion, to see things in the
same way to see the issue in the same way that you do. Or, oh, no,
no, no, that's a problem. You know, of course, some people have
a perspective that's not helpful. Some people have an opinion that
you know, is valid is not going to work right. But still, I wouldn't
like to be in a situation where
People who come to this channel expect all our speakers to toe the
same line. They don't. Today's panela we had like schewe like
scholars you've studied for decades. Right? Dr. Mohamed salah.
How old is he? How many years has he been preaching Islam? Sheikh
Abdullah Hakim quicks made for 50 years. Right? And yes, his advice
comes from his experience. Is he a different generation? Yes, he is.
Does that mean you discount his in his his advice? No. Because he's
got 50 years on you grab 50 years on this thing, so he knows
something. Right? Similarly, somebody else who you know, you
may think, well, that's so different to how I'm doing things
and especially especially unmarried people. People have only
been married sorry, I should this is not personal. But previously
you know, we were married for a shorter time people who are you
know, unmarried, never been married and they hear a lot of
things online, and they think they know.
You don't know until you know, right? And I'll tell you something
else, you won't know what you're going to know. Until you know,
right sisters, would you agree with that? You're not going to
know what you're going to know until you know
because you don't know what your situation is gonna be and what
Allah subhanaw taala is going to show you through that situation.
Anyway, Sister name on ISA is somewhere where she come on name
and we want you on the chat on the on the video, sweetie. So we can
start in sha Allah. Come on the video if you can, and then I'll
stop the recording and we'll get to it and sha Allah.
So Michael, I'm here. I'm just literally just, you know, my
laptop broke. So I'm just trying to log on. So literally, I'm here
on my phone. I'm just gonna switch on to my laptop. That's it. Okay,
fade. Okay, Inshallah, whichever one you are using the whole time.
All right, no worries, says I agree. 100%. We don't all have to
have the exact the same exact same perspectives and experiences. My
perspective as a wife to a husband who has a disability, and being
his caregiver, aside from being his wife is very different.
Exactly. Alhamdulillah it has been a great marriage experience for me
so far for the last 11, almost 12 years.
Come on, like if a sister like that tells you her experience and
what's worked for her. You don't have the right to say, well,
that's nonsense, like how would that ever work? You know what I
mean? Because it's working for her. And if a brother you know,
brother or sister says, Well, this is what I do. And this is working
for me and my marriage. If you're not married pipe down, because you
don't know what's gonna work for you. You think well, would I do
it? It's gotta be like this and that when I have a wife, she's
gonna be this way my husband this way until you know what you're
going to know. And then you're going to know anyway, call us Let
me stop talking.
So let me I think this is the name was dropped off to get back on
inshallah. So let's start this off. Oh,
it's been a long day. Hamdulillah. All right.
Next up,
record to the cloud.
Bismillah A salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato. Welcome,
my lovely ladies, it is our ladies panel, our sisters panel, our
Queens panel, and we are going to be talking about riffing off what
the brothers in the previous panel were talking about. So they were
talking about qualities of a Muslim husband. But our angle is
advice we would give our daughters so because we've been kind of
focusing on parents and parents role, maybe advice we'd give our
daughters and also how we can help our daughters train our daughters,
you know, even encourage our daughters, in order for them to be
successful wives, I think is a nice, a nice kind of way of
framing the conversation in sha Allah. So maybe if we want to just
jump around the room quickly, tell us who you are. I think it's fair
to say who you are, how long you've been married. And that's
it.
Go ahead. Coach, Maryam Sharla
My name is Maya Maya, my marriage coach and hamdulillah been married
for 20 years. And Hamdulillah I shall
I would like my name is Aisha Mercedes. I've probably been my
the least in the chat but I've been married for three years and
hamdulillah and
by but yeah, and I'm a counselor. So yeah, just like lock it in for
joining us. Nice to have you first time on the channel. I hamdulillah
another first mashallah coach Fatima
so they cannot come to LA he would like her to be married over 27
years.
Coach and I love
I'm not getting any sound
It's it's funny.
Yeah.
Well, let's do a different. It's it's I can hear it, but it's very
faint now. But yeah, if you can raise the volume if you're raising
volume
you hear me? Yeah, just it's really low. For some reason it's
really low.
You try to see if I can be a little louder before. Yes. Yes.
That's good. That's good. That's perfect.
That's great. Oh, George Nyla. one of the cofounders of outstanding
personal relationships married and polygyny for little over 12 years
actually a lot over 12 years.
Masha Allah to Allah, Allah. Okay, well, let's kick it off. Really
easy question, a question that we may have discussed before, which
is, what is the maybe what are the three pieces of advice that you
would give your daughters with regards to being a good wife?
Anybody wants to start at frontal
know guys, come on now.
I can go
three P's, three advices. Okay, the first thing is, keep a love
center. Always always, whether it's in hardship, or in bad times,
always go to Allah first. And
the second thing would be
to look at your marriage, and not anybody else's mind.
Do not compare your marriage to anybody else. And see what's going
on in your language, what is working, what is not working. And
if you need to seek advice, then don't seek it from anybody. Seek
it from people who actually know and who can guide you. Because
that is very, very important. You don't need advice, you do need
guidance in marriage, you do need that. But you cannot go to anybody
for advice or you know, discussing, okay, this is not
working. How do I approach this?
Whether it's family, whether it's friends, now, you cannot go to
anyone you have to go to somebody who's trusted, who knows we can
guide you and who knows Allah, who is connected to Allah, not anyone
else. So the first thing is, keep alive, make Allah the center of
your relationship. The second thing would be no comparison.
The third would be seek to professional people. Keep close to
people who will give you good feedback, and honest feedback. And
even if you are all they will just say that yes, you are wrong. You
need to work on yourself. These are the first three pieces of
advice I will give my daughter.
Does that kind of hate her? I'm gonna go to my right, which is
coaching Island Sharla. advice to your daughter about being a good
wife?
How are we gonna make these girls wife?
I want to know, I want to know how we're gonna make these girls wife
material. Okay, how are they gonna get paid? That's what I want to
know.
No, I
definitely love what you've said definitely.
I'm, of course going to jump on that too, as well. Definitely
keeping the law first and foremost.
That's key. But to add to that is mining your marriage. I say it's
so much and it's so true. And that goes into the not comparing
whether you're in polygyny, whether you're in monogamy, it's
not about comparison. And we talked about that earlier. And
what you were talking about, Nyima, as far as you know, what
may be okay, for some may not be okay for others. And it reminds me
of that story about the sister who had a wonderful marriage and
everything was all nice and good until her friend came by and start
whispering in her ear about I would never do that or he's not
taking you know, he's taken advantage of you and these type of
things like that. And it totally changed the trajectory of the
marriage. So definitely mind your marriage, and mine your marriage,
by doing that mean that care about what is going to make your
marriage fulfilling, and not what it looks like on to other people.
So that's definitely key.
Realize and embrace your individuality and love that part
about you. And don't lose that getting into your marriage. A lot
of times you lose your individuality. And because you
think that you have to be a particular way for your husband
and your husband married you because of your individuality. He
didn't marry you to become this. Whatever you think that it
You know, that he you think he might like or whatever the case
may be, I remember really good advice that was like, be you, you
know, be who you are, because then it gives me the chance to know who
you are and figure out if I really like you or not, you know, type of
thing. So pretty much embrace that. And another thing first, I
guess, third, and that first of all, most third is keep your
communication open, proper communication at all times, have
the courageous conversations be courageous enough to be vulnerable
enough for the person who you have trust at your heart with and trust
to your livelihood with. So definitely those are pretty much
the three of the many things. The advice that I've given my daughter
already
mashallah Tabata color. Okay, I shall get you up next.
Is that a little hair? And, yeah, I'm gonna echo what the two
sisters have previously said in keeping alive first, but I think
to kind of elaborate a little bit on that.
I remember I was having some difficulties in my marriage before
and I went to the mom and the mom was talking about
that him and his wife were like from two different backgrounds,
and that's the same as me and my husband. But then it's about if
you're Muslim, and you believe in the same God and you believe in
the Quran and the Sunnah. Why you're not then turning back to
the Quran and the Sunnah with regards to your affairs, because
if we all wholeheartedly were, then of course, there wouldn't be
I mean, you'd have disagreements, but it wouldn't be major
disagreements, because you'd say to yourself, Okay, we're
disagreeing on that. What does a lot you know, Thor does Allah and
His Messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam say, so? I know, it sounds
quite typical, I do feel that definitely kind of keeping your
hat your household fulfilled with the love of Allah. And, you know,
learning your religion, and implementing what you are learning
in your marriage. Obviously, I'm reasonably newlywed. And as you
probably all know, you know, the beginning stages, you're kind of
you're getting to know one another. And I think that leads
into the kind of second point of advice that I would give my
daughter if I had one, getting to know yourself and also getting to
know your spouse. And I think that's sort of a continued thing.
I don't think it kind of stops, because as even Khattab says, in a
narration that, you know, you only really get to know somebody when
you travel with them, when you do business with them, and when you
live with them. And I think, you know, we get caught up in this
kind of what I got caught up. And I think a few, you know, quite a
few young sisters that come to me get caught up in the kind of
honeymoon period, which is actually a proven psychological
theory that the honeymoon period is kind of, you know,
psychologically, you are a different person in that period,
right. And then as you get to know that person, you do then see
different things that, oh, and it's almost like you've changed,
but No, they haven't changed, they're just getting more
comfortable. And, you know, there's parts of them that you
didn't see before. So keeping an open mind in that your spouse
isn't going to be the same spouse necessarily, as when you first
meet. And again, for myself, going through lots of therapy, as a
therapist, getting to know myself has allowed me to become more self
aware of the things that I might be doing wrong and the things that
I need to improve on. And then, you know, it can it can help with
the kind of conflict resolution if you like.
And just being realistic. Again, that kind of whole idea of not,
not expecting marriage to be a fairy tale, not expecting it to
be, you know, every day or every month or every year even to be
like really, like it was in the first year or two SubhanAllah. So,
I think yeah, to kind of round up. Yeah, definitely being realistic
Sharla
as I can, okay, so that's really interesting, actually, because I
know that there's like a split about which years are the best
years? Because some people say that the first year is the hardest
year, and then others say that no, that's the honeymoon period after
that, it gets hard, right. But I think from what I understand of,
you know, the psychology of it, as you said, it's that limerence
isn't it is that period of of infatuation or falling in love,
where certain chemicals are activated in order to get you to
procreate? Right and that's the whole that's apparently that's
what's happening is that, you know, the falling in love side of
things is to get you to procreate. And then it's almost like the fog
lifts and different hormones kick in and now because it's you know,
it's it's kind of hoped that you managed to secure a baby somewhere
in there. And now you're you just literally have like, it's almost
like you've put on a different set of glasses. And now you see the
person without the, the lens of those rose colored glasses where
this person is perfect and he's air
everything and everything he does is so cute. And I love the way he
does this. And I love the way he does that, which is the honeymoon
period. Right. But they say that that's the limerence. And people
think that limerence is love.
And in popular culture, that limerence that falling for
someone, right? That's the butterflies the infatuation, which
is the chemical response is spoken about, written about and sung
about as if it's love. And I think one thing that I think I've done
with my, with my girls, which I think that we should possibly all
do with our daughters, is to give them as you said, a realistic and
a correct understanding of what love truly is, what it looks like,
and what it feels like. Because the stuff that they get from
social media and from films and from songs, that's setting them up
for a world of hurt,
you know, and disappointed disappointment and kind of crushed
hopes and dreams. But anyway, Coach Fatima what say you? What's
your advice? How are you going to make your daughter wife material?
Let's hear it? Well, I think one of the most important things is
taking care of our relationship with Allah as women. And being
mindful that it's, you know, I look at Sisters sometime, and we
love our husbands so much, but I said, Do we love ourselves as much
as we love them, you know, are we putting that love back in and
reporting back into ourselves. So Self Love is a big one for me with
the daughters, I don't want them to go, okay. I'll just, you know,
love Him, love Him, love Him, love Him. And then forget about me,
working on a relationship with a law, making the offer oneself like
yourself, in that just the marriage, but make the on ask
Allah to help you and give you guidance. And, you know, have that
conversation with him and cry to him. You know, that and being very
mindful about what you say, about yourself to yourself, what you say
about your husband to yourself, and your marriage is very
important. So that self talk is if I can drive that point home,
because whatever you think about is what you're going to be about.
So those are probably the three things I would think of most, when
I
think of my daughters, you know, at sha Allah, they'll ask for
guidance and have the conversation and take care of that relationship
that they have with Allah, because that's the most important one
they're going to ever have. Because that one continues, the
rest of these relationships are, are fleeting, because this world
is fleeting. So to take care of their ACA, as much as they invest
in this dunya invest more in their academic potential.
So just to clarify, and I've have two questions on that one. The
first one is, what does self love looks like to a 17 year old girl.
So a 17 year old Yeah, I know what it looked like. To me. It was
taking care of myself mentally, physically, I wasn't at a
spiritual point at 17. But sometimes the people that I looked
to, to love me back didn't so I learned at an early age, that I
needed to take better care of myself, because I was sitting in
the disappointment of them not loving me the way I felt like I
needed to be loved as a 17 year old black girl in America.
So you're already going out the door with a couple strikes against
you, in that country, especially. So I you know, I didn't I didn't
grow up with my biological mother, she was gone by the time I was
three. So I had to learn about abandonment, and that it wasn't a
me thing. It was something within her that she needed to fix. So I
learned right away, but this is, you know, not my issue. So self
talk started with me early because of my, my grandparents, they
always made it Well, that was your crazy parents, but it's nothing
wrong with you. However, it was not easy to continue on like that,
because you're still sitting in this disappointment that was kind
of dumped in your lap and then you go, Okay, let me crawl up out of
this. And just love on me through clothes, through my art through
getting around people that I felt safe with was important. If I
didn't feel safe with somebody, they weren't in my life. And it's
been like that since I was young. I couldn't deal with that drama.
So I like to be around like the theater kids and the happy kids
and the nerdy kids, the people that were kind of, you know,
looked at as not popular, whatever the case may be. I liked that
crowd because that crowd was safe to me. So I just was really good
at self talk.
in cheerleading, as a 17 year old, and it was a lot of pressure.
However, my grandparents were from the south, and they were built to
last. And they poured a lot into me to go, Look, that's, that's not
your fault. You know, they didn't have all the tools, but they
didn't make breakups and things of that nature, my issue, and they
said, you can put you can do anything you put your mind to,
they constantly said that. So, because of that, I learned to
embrace the parts of me that Allah had gifted me with, I think
everybody has something that Allah gives them, that he entrusted them
with. And mine happened to be art and making people laugh, making
things pretty and stuff like that. And I just kept going to this day
with those things. So 100 Allah, self love is embracing the things
that Allah has given us, and entrusted us with and put inside
of us to share with the world in sha Allah. But that's how I looked
at it.
Because I collaborate and so what I'm hearing you say is, you know,
having those conversations Firstly, because I want to make
this something that is inshallah beneficial for people is
listening. So if there are any issues in your family, if there's
been a divorce, if there's been abandonment, if there's been
anything that you know, has, has had an effect, I think having
those conversations, having those, you know, being brave enough to
have those conversations early, and helping them to heal because I
say it because again, I keep pushing you guys, I want to know
how these girls are going to be ready to be, you know, happy,
healthy, wholesome wives whenever that age is, and one of the things
that we can definitely say is dealing with your stuff, right?
Yeah. So if you know that your daughter has issues, help her to
heal from those issues. The other thing that I heard you say that I
took from it was teaching them the power of mindset. Because that's
the self talk. That's the story that you're telling that you know,
deciding how you're going to feel you know, and and choosing the
thoughts you know, we all personal development people here you know,
so it's giving, giving our daughters the toolkit in order to
be able to regulate their own emotions, which is something else
which I think again, will really help them Inshallah, when they do
go into into the marriage in sha Allah, okay, Baraka Luffy Ki, Sr.
Neha is here Masha Allah subhanho
wa Taala Miko
hamdulillah Great to have you with us, masha Allah. So what's your
take? Everyone is coming with a slightly different take on, you
know, qualities of a Muslim wife, but looking at it from how you
would advise your daughters inshallah. Okay, so I actually had
this conversation with my daughters in preparation for
And subhanAllah, one of the first things that came up when I was
speaking to them is, and they're still relatively young, but I was
trying to help them understand that it's important to understand
marriage for what it is. So for a lot of us and and, and culture,
Bollywood, Hollywood, the West everywhere, the focus is marriage,
just getting married, right, the wedding actually, specifically.
But the main point I wanted them to understand is that marriage is
a means to an end.
That's not the end. So, you know, we think about finding the right
man, the right stuff, his quality, what he's going to do for me, but
really, that men can quite truly be your vehicle to your end, which
is Jana. And I feel like this perspective is so important,
because
I really hope truly, that my daughters when they get married,
they don't attach to a spouse, but they're so truly attached to
Allah. That when it comes to topics like obedience, for
example, they know that they're obeying to Allah, when their
husband asked something of them which is within the deen. But that
perhaps, conditioning from society media or even me, may Allah
protect us.
When that comes into play, that they remember that when they obey
Him, they're obeying Allah.
So they might hate the marriage to him.
The state of it, if it's a good brother, if it's a practicing
Brother, if it's sincere, not perfect, but doing the best that
he can to remember that sometimes you receive guidance on the see
help from your spouse.
And it might be hard to hear. But truly, perhaps Allah is guiding
you through that person who has chosen to be on this journey with
you. And I hope that they have that perspective going through so
that it doesn't become about the little thing it doesn't become
about
things that truly won't matter in the hereafter. We're all just
people here on this worldly plane trying to return back to our Lord
at the end of the day. And when we keep that perspective, when we
have that strong why, which is to be pleasing in front of Allah,
then being pleasing to our spouse becomes easy, because we realize
that Allah put him here as a purification for us as a test for
us, you know, as a guidance for us.
And so we're able to let go a lot of that resentment, especially as
a revert coming in to this Dean, I feel like that perspective was
really, really helpful for me, personally.
Because I can go higher, and I think, yeah, I think what I'm one
of the things that I heard from you is, you know, again, having
those honest conversations about kind of the world outside and what
is what the world is saying, and then what the Dean says, but I
think one thing that ties what everybody is saying together,
which you all more or less mentioned, is this relationship
with Allah subhanaw taala. Right.
But what do you mean by that? And how are we going to do that name?
Or what say you?
This villa Rahim Hamdulillah. But it may also lead to salam ala
Rasulillah, datalocker name for having me.
Absolutely, my number one thing was having relationship with Allah
subhanaw taala. And all the sisters have said the same thing.
And it's really key because especially in relationships, it's
not so hard when the things are good. It's when things become
challenging. And then, you know, you might have he's upset with
you, or there's some sort of issues that are going on, how do
you navigate yourself through those emotions, when things are so
tough, and there'll be new experiences, new emotions, as
well. And when you have that connection with Allah subhanaw
taala already, it really helps. You know, it really helps to have
that, you know, you take it back to Allah because ultimately, the
relief will come from Allah, the guidance comes from Allah. But
sometimes we have this relationship with Allah subhanaw
taala. I say like a doctor, you know, we only call on him when we
need him. And so when we're in that habit of having that
relationship with Allah, where, if you remember him in ease, he will
remember you knew you in your times of difficulty, to have that
already established. And that's ultimately a believer, isn't it.
But I think that that's the key thing that will really help you
navigate yourself through that because seeking counsel for Allah,
seeking clarity, people need may not seem how they, you may
perceive them to be around you. You may seek advice from people,
but it's ultimately Allah subhanaw taala. And that's what we want
marriage or not marriage. Ultimately, we want our children,
our daughters, our sons, for ourselves to have lost Motala the
primary goal in our lives, you know, the primary,
primary reason why we're here, I think my second advice would
definitely be to respect
before respecting others, learn to respect herself.
Know who you are, and I think I should say this as well that
you're a Muslim, you're a servant of Allah, a creation of Allah, a
worship of Allah, and
for you to return to Him and be respectful to yourself and your
thoughts, your heart, your body. So it's not just like being
respectful to others, you can't respect someone else before you
respect yourself. You need to know who you are. But being respectful
of yourself is your thoughts, your mindset, your body, your
cleanliness, your fitness, and then again, you know, the amount
of sisters that are contacting me recently saying that they're not
able to have children, they've got fertility issues.
The honey comes in, you know, and I just feel like lifestyle today.
Traditionally, we used to say, How do I know that she's fertile? Or
how do I know that she's
of childbearing? You know, she can have multiple children, looked to
her family looked her mother looked her, you know, extended
family, are the
child bearing families, you know, mothers, but it ends up being that
you can't really tell because
contraceptions are being used. People are saying, No, I just want
one child, or I just want two children. So you don't know. But
diet, exercise, lifestyle, the effects of sugar, it affects the
man if it's a woman, and we're finding that obviously, having
children is Lakota a lot, but we don't want to be able to have
daughters who are lacking in
being, you know, we don't want to be the contributors basically.
Yeah. Of that. And I think,
yeah, I think definitely like being active, because I think one
of the big things shocks for young sisters, I've got a niece who's
recently become mother hamdulillah is just the lifestyle change. And
I think that we do tend to have very sedentary lifestyles, on our
phones on our gadgets, not being so proactive, not everyone. But I
definitely think that her being more engaged, I'd like my daughter
to be more engaged in communities and society, just so that would
help her as well.
But in terms of, you know, definitely managing and navigating
through marriage, being able to treat others how she wants to be
treated by and that means managing emotions, I think it's definitely
given me food for thought, you know, when you said about the
advices, to daughters, and I felt like
holding back, choosing your battles, having that patience, but
not being someone who's going to be just taking taking
nonsense.
Just know how to take care of our home and to take pride in that, I
think. And that's someone. And I really, I think my last advice
would definitely be, to be invested to be clearly invested
into the marriage.
It's a contract, you're coming into it with
maybe some sort of expectations, but I really feel like anything
that you anything, which is say, if I've got a business and I want
to invest in it, you're my business partner, what are you
going to bring to the table? What am I bringing to the table? But
regardless, for anything to be successful, you need to have a
level of graft level of, yeah, I'm willing to make sacrifices. I
think
today, maybe I hope that my daughters inshallah they can. And
they want to make sacrifices for their happiness, you know, for the
for the home that they invested in, that invested into their
husbands, they invested into the relationship, they are wanting to
put the other before themselves. Because ultimately, when someone
when you see that someone is invested in you, and the other is
giving so much naturally, it becomes a two way thing as well.
I can go on. Now that's the sorry, can I just say I'm just gonna put
it out there. That's the stuff I want. Ladies, I want the hard
stuff. Okay. Self love is wonderful. But everyone talks
about self love and the whole society tells them self loves
fantastic. Even certain other things, mashallah, they'll get
that from society. But I think the premise that I'm operating from is
that society does not teach women how to be wives in general, right?
Pop culture doesn't help. Movies hardly help. I've noticed, right?
That the only time that you see relationships depicted in any
depth or detail is when they're haram. So when it's they're not
married, right? And they either call thing or they just messing
about or it's a hookup or whatever 1000s of films about that. And
then when it's marriage,
all you see from the relationship is usually not in detail. It's a
backdrop to the story, right? It's not the story. It's a backdrop to
the story. And it's typically not great. It's either the husband,
you know, the husband, like she's unhappy with him, or he's unhappy
with her, or the marriage is in the backdrop, and the whole focus
is the kids or something else that's happening, right. So as a
culture, we we don't celebrate being married anymore, and we
certainly don't sort of teach her and another thing I think, Coach
Nyla and phytomer. We talked about this on our podcast, I think,
because I was saying how so often in movies, they show the man doing
things for the woman, whether they're married or not, he brings
her coffee, he brings her breakfast in bed, he gets the
flowers, he's always doing nice things for her. When was the last
time you saw a woman do something nice for a man in a film or in an
advert?
Cook him breakfast. Serve him something nice, buy him a gift,
write him a little note show that she appreciates him show that she
loves him show that she's glad that he's around. You don't see
that. So I'm really kind of want to like push the envelope a little
bit and talk about the stuff I mean, doing it for Allah
hamdulillah we've covered that in this conference. And in general,
mashallah, I think we all have that understanding. But what's the
stuff that no one's saying? What are the qualities that no one's
talking about? What's the advice they're not going to hear? Unless
we give it to them? I want to chime in a little bit on that
actually.
Hey, I said it a couple of times in a number of videos that I've
done being a person who was raised by a single mother who was raised
by a single mother. So I had to learn how to be a wife, you know,
I had to learn these different things. And you're not alone,
since that's going to be the majority, unfortunately, can I
just just let's keep it real. The majority of daughters, if not
already, then the majority of daughters within a few years will
come from single parent households, or a household where
it wasn't her biological father, right? That's that big that is
huge. So talk to at CES. And that's the thing with my daughter,
my biological daughter, because I said, you know, I have five
biological children and seven bonus children, but out of those
five biological children, one is a girl. So you have one biological
daughter, and coming from a person who was raised by a single mother
who was raised by a single mother, and it was massive, masculine
energy involved because of, you know, having to be the dad and the
mom and the different things like that. And, you know, having to
take on both roles type of things, so to speak, because you have to
be the provider and the protector and the nurturer and the this, you
know, so those type of things, where I asked my mother at 14
years old,
can I have kids, I wanted children, I want to turn out I
can't I have kids and kick the guy to the curb, because I thought
that, you know, why be you know, is if you guys don't know, I'm,
I'm a convert, revert. So my mother is not Muslim. But I was
like, can I just, you know, have kids and kick the guy to the curb,
because I thought there was trouble. And my thing is, I have
this same in my head, and I've heard it growing up, I can do that
by myself. I don't need no help to starve to death. You know, it's
like, I can do it myself. So I had to learn these different things so
much to a point where reading different books and watching
different programs and watching things about femininity and
learning these different things, I decided to create actually a
curriculum, I decided to create a framework, so I can teach my
daughter, what it will look like, because it feels great to be
feminine, it's great to live in your femininity, it feels great to
be submissive, you know, feel great to have that natural,
nurturing spirit, you know, so those different things. However,
there's so much to it is so we're so multifaceted. And to be an
amazing wife, takes you utilizing all of that, and just really quick
and just break down some things. I named it spirits, I put it broke
it down into a thing called spears. And that spirituality,
your perception, which is your mindset, economics,
attractiveness, relationship, building, and self care. And from
those things, I teach and train just naturally, normally, every
day to her. So whether we see something we discuss about it,
whether we make things from scratch in the kitchen, like my
daughter is not a microwave queen. So you know, it's these different
things where it's just those beautiful, nurturing things that
allowed you to feel so good to be that woman. But she also still
knows how to start a business, how to learn things about different
economics, whether it's homemaking, and also business
building, as well as taking care of ourselves that self care that
we need to utilize, not letting ourselves go understanding what
our individuality is, you know, because I didn't have that growing
up. I was looking to please everybody else, and I was unhappy,
suicidal at 16. So it was just not a beautiful thing. I didn't have
that beautiful self taught, I didn't have that wonderful self
care. I was trying to be, you know, pleasing to everybody.
Because I thought that if I made other people happy, I will be
happy. So being able to teach these different things to say, You
know what, yes, your spirituality and knowing that it's something
greater than you that you have to please and push for and you have
to answer for the things that you do. That's first and foremost.
However, how do you do that is making sure you have that strong
connection. But you also have to be intentional with what life
looks like for you. You have to be intentional, and you have to be
not only intentional, but hold yourself accountable. People don't
like to hear that. You know, it's easy to place blame it's easier to
be the victim is easier to blame, drama and traumatic experiences.
As I stated before, I came from a single mother who was who was
raised by a single mother. I had a lot of depth in a lot of different
things in my life, but I it's
up to me to allow that to infect me, and allow me to be harsh or
hard or not knowing how to move forward and life properly. And if
we become harsh and hard, you know, men are created as the
protectors and providers, they're, they're the hard ones, we're the
soft ones. But to come into that, to come into a marriage with a man
with that masculine energy is not anything positive is going to come
out of that. So you know, being able to teach these different
things. These are things that I've learned along the way, my mother
taught me a number of things, but how to be feminine,
was not one of them. She looked at she looked apart, great. But when
it came down to, you know, being that submissive person, and being
submissive doesn't make you weak. But when you grow up, thinking
that if you are submissive, or if you are following your husband, or
these type of things, or you know that it makes you weak, it makes
you a pug. And I have so many different things that went on in
my head, that was very wrong. And it actually caused drama, in
relationships that I had to before marriage, and it also caused
related problems in the marriage that I had with a marriage. Now,
because I want to jump in this is because you mentioned something
important, right? So this is a question to everybody on the
panel. Right? And I think it's a very valid question. How are you
navigating your daughter learning skills, and becoming capable,
right, getting her, you know, developing her potential, and
ensuring that she does not out to develop a marriage? If you
understand what I mean by that? So so she's not so independent, or
kind of hard, like what Coach Snyder said, and sort of worldly
wise and world weary, that she finds it difficult to settle into
a marriage? How do you? How are you striking that balance? If at
all?
Can I jump in there? Yeah, sure. Okay, well, I know for me at
least, and I'm sure all of us know, kids don't listen, that kids
learn more from what you do than what you actually say. So I'm
very, very aware of the example that I'm showing them. And, I
mean, we can do that in a pretty superficial way. And I know all of
us can think of examples of, you know, the wife who goes and, you
know, she serves her husband food, for example. And she's doing it,
but you can hear the comments under her breath, She's coughing a
little bit, she's resentful, you know, that, that tray, or that
plate or that cup, hit that table a little harder than it needed to?
Perhaps there wasn't a lot of love in the salt in that dish, or, you
know, whatever else, that resentment is bubbling up, right.
So, I know with my daughters, or even with my sons, when I'm trying
to set an example, I try and make it a really sincere one. And one
of the sisters touched on it before in terms of emotion.
And she touched on some pretty emotions, pretty important, you
know, types of, you know, knowing when to hold back and being aware
of, you know, how to show up in different ways. But I think it's
really important to model for our daughters
being aware of our emotion, and not being, you know, kind of a
slave to our emotions out. So, yeah, exactly. So you could be
like, Okay, so a good wife should, you know, serves her husband in a
loving way, right? So you may say that constantly, but then the way
you serve your husband could be very resentful, like I said, you
know, or, you know, when you're sitting with your friends, you're
complaining about your husband, or, you know, when your husband is
not there, you're chucking underhanded kind of comments.
You know, like, oh, you know, Bob is like this, and Bob is like
that, or, wow, yeah. Yeah. And, you know, it's like, we can
pretend like that doesn't happen, but it happens a lot. I'm so glad
that Nick has brought this up because this is life. Right? This
is like you can Sorry, I just interjected. But I'm sitting here
actually, I was going to ask this to coach Nayla because when you
were describing how beautifully you're raising your daughter,
Alana Mubarak and Allah bless your relationship and make us so the
kajaria for you and an asset for the almost all of our children
shall not. I really felt that we need to help them regulate their
emotions, because that's really difficult, like when you find that
he's not supported her me
be in the way that she wanted. Or she heard that in law, say
something that wasn't so nice. Or she did something and it wasn't
appreciated. These are new emotions, and to recognize what
triggers you, how do you deal with your anger? How do you relax? How
do you let off steam? How do you learn to adjust? And it's very
difficult, no matter how much you try and prepare your children,
they could never really fully be prepared. But like you're saying,
sister now had the modeling is so important. And I think that this
is what we need to speak more about, it's not so much about what
you create on the good, but it's also how you manage the bad. And
the ying and yang of life, you know, to have that kind of seesaw
effects. Things go up and things go down. But there still has to be
some sort of level of balance and harmony, even when you do go down.
Would you say? And I think so it can I just yeah, just to to that
point, I think something else is kind of tied to the point that I
was making before. I think another way that we can prepare our
daughters to be wives is to be honest with them about the ups and
the downs. Right? Yeah, about the highs and the lows. I used to hate
it when we used to go to a Leamas. And the main thing that people
used to say was, have patients have patients have saba. And I was
like, Well, why do you keep telling these women to have
southern light marriages lit? Like, what do you mean sober?
Like, what is it?
I think like marriage is this this dreadful, like, test and it's such
a chore, and you just have to grin and bear it and just just just
grit your teeth, sis, you'll be okay. I hated that. I hated it so
much. And I thought that it was such a bad example to everybody
else who had come to celebrate the marriage that the first thing you
say is have suburb says, like, Wow, thanks a lot mate for the
voice vote of confidence. So I would say do you know what says
love on him and enjoy yourself, as always, I say loving him and enjoy
yourself because I would hate for my daughter to go into marriage
with this kind of sense of Okay, now it's my martyr phase. You
know, now it's my sacrificial phase, right? So on the one hand,
you I want her to be excited about marriage. It's like some people in
the comments, were saying, marriage like sounds like such
hard work. You guys are making this so hard. And I don't know
about you guys. If I think about the high points of my marriage, or
even just my general memory of my marriage, what a blessing. What a
blessing what, what a wonderful adventure we've been on or what we
went on, you know, and I can, when I when I cast my mind to it, I can
remember the sweet times the fun times the loving times, the crazy
times, we all have that, right? So I want my daughter to have that.
And I also want her to know that it's not always going to be like
that. There will be times when it's challenging, when you're not
in your best when you're not at your best when he's not his best.
He's human. This is how you navigate it. Right? But having
that balanced approach where it's not all doom and gloom, but it's
also not like sunshine and rainbows. And oh my god, you know,
like what Maryam level was saying, which was she never saw her
parents fighting. She never saw her parents fighting. So when she
had a disagreement with, you know, brother side in the I think was
the first couple of days. She said, Take me to my father's
house. This is not gonna work. Like it's a divorce. I'm out of
here, you know, because that was the unrealistic expectation that
she had. But anyway, what what what does anyone else want to
chime in on expectations or dealing with the negative or even
just like having fun? I don't know. What are your thoughts?
Part?
The real quick thing, it's funny that you said that too. Because my
daughter and I we tease about different things. And we call we
actually haven't named for we call it the hunty Bunty thing. Like if
the husband is being like, a quote unquote annoying, I don't really
want to say it like that. But it's like, if certain things happen, so
it was like even teasing my, my bonus baby, he was like, Okay,
you're gonna have what's called a hunty Bunty, you know, events,
it'd be times where he wants certain things. I'd be like, I
just want to read a book and he wants to do these things. So just
kind of fun stuff. But it's like, you know, just find the fun in it.
And, you know, so we kind of tease about it. And even if it's
something about,
you might have been tired. And there's, you know, you make food,
the comment that was made before, it's like, oh, you hear kind of
the mumbling or certain things under the, under the breath. We
started looking at it a different ways where it's like, you know,
instead of mumbling about oh my gosh, I gotta do this or it's so
you know, it's so late or, you know, maybe you should have just
went and grabbed something while he was out or something along the
lines of that just like, You know what? He's asking me to do
something. Maybe he likes my food or maybe enjoys
The you know, the love that's coming from it and he's different
things like that. So kind of even
changing the mindset of you know, what may be an annoyance or a
quote unquote annoyance because we're all human, you know, the
mindset remind me of a song that I did he that I listen to. He says,
Sometimes I love you more than you ever know, other times you get on
my nerves. It's just reality.
Doesn't beautiful words, and I get it, I get it. It always be that
way. But all in all, it's just a beautiful thing. When you look at
it. What I would I have been doing with my daughter now is and I
think it's if we can pull it off, I think it's an amazing thing.
Because it look, this husband here, you know that, you know,
that book that was written in the, I think was written in the 50s or
60s, the proper feeding and caring of husbands have any? Has anyone
heard of it? Right. And she wrote it at a time when she noticed all
around her that the women were just not looking after their men,
like they were trying to deal with these young kids and had all these
appliances at home, but they just were not looking after them. And
they didn't know how to cook any of them and blah, blah, blah.
Anyway, my point is, when you mentioned about cooking food,
right? I know we had conversations about cooking. Last year, if
anybody remembers the videos from last year, this was an issue that
would cause a lot of fraca. But Holly sister, Hallie Banani put it
so beautifully. And I think in terms of mindset, I think this is
a beautiful way to frame this is that this man has been gifted to
me as a manner just as I've been gifted to him, and I get to X Y,
Zed, I get to serve Him, I get to feed him, I get to look after him
as he looks after me. But let's not talk about that. I get to show
up for him in the way that shows him that he is loved, that he's
appreciated that he is valued. I get to be intimate with Him, I get
to be alone with him, I get to enjoy special time with him. I get
to try out my recipes on him, right, I get to be the mother of
his children. And that's why I say to my daughter, I hope and I pray
that in the layer above that she marries a man for whom, that's how
she feels. I get to do this not anyone else. I get to do this. I
don't want my husband eating from the takeaway. That's my job. I
feed not not the guy or the kebab shop, I give you food brands. Love
food is coming from me. I don't want you to go to your mom's house
and eat her food, come home and eat my food. Right? Anyway, that's
so I don't know whether you think that that's a useful or useful
mindset to raise our daughters in go ahead. I was I was gonna say
because embarrassingly, I was on the river as well. I only learned
to cook when I became Muslim. Me too. He to the first year of
marriage, my husband used to have to make the rice. I didn't know
how to cook rice. Yeah, yeah. So and now it's not a small piece of
advice. But my sister in law's my husband, sisters, they are ones
coming up to 18 and one's 19. And the 19 year old who has gone off
to university and now she's starting to cook, but the 18 year
old, I guess is more in a position that she would be looking for
marriage. But I say to her, you know, you kind of need to start
getting into the process focus on the skills. I was gonna say just
not just around cooking. But I think in general, this generation
are quite self absorbed. I know a lot of you know, a lot of people
are but they're quite self absorbed. And they're quite
focused on themselves. And when you go into marriage, like I think
I can't remember who was it coach Schneider was saying, it's like
another is that it's always like you're looking after, I don't want
to say baby, but sometimes it can be like
a child or a child that you're looking after. And I think when
you when you haven't had an experience of cooking, you're kind
of coming in from work or coming in from college getting up when
you want not really cleaning up after yourself. You know that
they're sorry, sis, that is a practical button to put in place.
We need to train our daughters properly and our sons, so they
don't make a huge mess behind themselves. But we can't be
graduating young ladies, young women who cannot look after
themselves and cannot keep their space clean. And I say that's just
because I was one of those girls. Yeah. 100%. I mean, I mean, my
mother in law, you know, there are bless her. You know, she's very
much like the queen of the house, and she wants to do everything a
certain way in a certain manner. I don't have any children. But you
know, I think it's for their kind of generation and for their
understanding. They'd rather do it themselves. But then you're,
you're kind of forgetting that element of, they need to grow,
they need to learn they need to adapt to it, because again, when
they step into that marital home, and there's all these things to
do, it's gonna be really overwhelming. Yep, yep. So mothers
if you're doing that thing of like taking care of the family so well,
that
No one even knows how the washing is done. Like it just disappears,
the dirty clothes disappear. And then they reappear, clean iron
folded in people's drawers, you may feel really great about that,
Mashallah. And I get it. But you may be doing your family a
disservice, because you're not training them up properly. So I'm
keen, I want to go to you, because you came in slightly late. We're
talking about how to make our daughter's wife material. So we've
covered self, that we've covered the spiritual aspect, we've
covered the emotional aspect, I think, I think we've moved more
towards the practical side of things, but what's your take on
it?
Cycle first, everyone, but under law, this past summer, my daughter
got married. And so I'm coming from that perspective of having
spent six months kind of getting in the mindset of, of what to
expect, and then now observing her in that element. And I think the
first and foremost thing is that I tell my daughter, to
see her life as her how her mother lived, but then also see, pick up
from the good things, take advice from those who you would want to
their life who turned out to be so. So now she has grown very
thing. Oh, you limit the alarms, Oh, you do this, or you do that.
And there's all these noises and all these voices coming from all
sides. And I said, see what works for everyone. So look at who you
think is a hero. And, And Alhamdulillah we've we've always
surrounded her with people that she she veered towards she
magnetically went towards. So she liked the fact that you know,
certain
spiritual teachers were certainly like your life? And she said, Yes.
So what does she do? What does she put into place to make that life
successful? And so having these real life role models and heroes
that she could have? And she looked at and their life and learn
from her mom's experience? Like, what is it that you like about
your mother's marriage? What is it that you like about,
about people around you and putting that into place? So the
six months that I spent with her before she got married, and the
the advices, I would give her was basically like, you have to answer
the last one or taller. And every single person that comes into your
life, whether that be your husband, or your in laws, or
whoever it is going to be. They're either bringing you towards Allah
subhanaw taala, or your view away, because they're in life, there's
only two places you end up in either Jahannam origin. And so you
have to decide, is this person or this element or this place? Going
to bring me closer? Or they're going to be the bearer? And and
are they going to be someone who chooses to make me reflect about
myself and choose that and make that decision? And make that be
the voice in your ear to say, okay, yes, this is gonna be
someone who I'm going to work and do and help them out and like,
especially with the husband, is this going to be love the
dictates? Or is it going to be my this this, this blessing that
Allah subhanaw taala placed on me and what I have responsibility to
this, this molecule the relationship that thing that Allah
subhanaw taala give me and I will have to answer for that I had a
husband did I respect him? Did I treat him well. And all that
something, you will see and feel that God fearing will as well, in
him that he will also reciprocate that it was an emotional thing.
But I think what I realized the most is that it made me look at my
own marriage. Before I give her advice for it, that it was a
mirror that I held up in this. What worked for me, and what what
didn't work for me. And, and that is something that I think all of
this listen to all of this is that we can bring our own baggage into
the advice we give to our children. We have to see them and
meet them and who they are. Yes, that is such a key advice. I
cannot say I put it out on a forum
on Facebook, like two Muslim mamas, what three advices would
you give, and I have some fantastic advice because I just
thought, you know, this is really good. But let's think practically
as well. And there was baggage and advice, a lot of baggage. You
know, it was like the resentment type thing, you know, and that was
quite, quite tough. And I think that that's why when we're in a
marriage as well, I was gonna say that, talking about managing
emotions, I know we've moved away, but a little bit of when we do
things, do it really for the sake of Allah and don't hold grudges.
Like, don't hold the grudges, because I think when things don't
work out the way that you want it. Well, it's been appreciated or
separated, whether you actually wanted it more, you know, the
grudges and the hurt. It's I don't know if it's a woman thing,
especially that advice of you know, never going to bed angry.
Yes. I say to her, or I say to myself, oftentimes. So we've been
married for over two decades now me and my husband. And with the
advice, the thing that I have in my mind is don't go to bed angry
or try to resolve it. But if you're both not at that emotional
space, go to your go to bed with an empty heart already decided to
forgive them and that you've already have regret over what
you've said or done. So that that place when you wake up in the
morning, you wake up when you're waking up with results already in
your heart and you work from that space. But you know what really
helps me
resolving a conflict as well, just to kind of Chuck it in there, when
I'm upset, he's upset, just make a cup of tea, you know, it's like,
it's like, you don't even have to talk it through, you know, do
something good, do an act of hate, do an act of service. And it just
kind of, you know, how can you not like, then it doesn't have to be
communication, where it's like an unsaid common peace treaty,
extending out the olive branch, you know, and I think that, that
they are like, the more practical things as well, that will help
navigate things. And I had one quick thing I might have to shoot
in a minute, I think I said to name some kind of at work as well.
I think for myself, in my marriage, one of one of the most
important things that I have learned along the way, is
not taking personally like the kind of constructive feedback that
my husband's giving me. Like, in the beginning, it was like, oh,
you know, I'll take it so personally, and I take it as a
kind of, oh, you know, he doesn't like me, or he's putting me down.
And that came from my own stuff that came from, you know, the
relationship that I had with my mother, in that she was very
critical. And so whenever my husband would, you know, try to
have an open conversation and, you know, let me know, something that
he that he wasn't happy about, or that he you know, that it wasn't
always wasn't really big things, but I would just take it so
personally, and then I would kind of shut off. But in reality, you
know, if you're in a, in a marriage, where you're both, you
know, quite healthy adults, and you want the best for each other,
and you're looking at him as a, you know, as somebody that loves
you and cares about you, it's always a good idea to try and get
into that mindset of
accepting, you know,
listening,
listening, listening thing, listening, like you said, it's
like, developing again, and I think maybe I see this with my own
daughter, right?
Girls need to know how to accept feedback, just like boys do. But
I've noticed with girls nowadays, they don't want to get any
feedback from a man or a boy having Have you guys noticed that?
It's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you don't get to tell me
whether it's the her brother or her father or whoever. I've
managed to. Well, I've not managed to, but I've started catching my
daughter out when she gives her brother back chat, right when
she's like trying to assert herself because that's very
masculine. Right? There's no need to, he's just giving you some
advice, right? What's with the pushback? What's with the arguing
back and forth and the chat back? Because for sure if she does that
with her brother, and she's used to that she grew up with that.
She's gonna want to do that with her husband. I don't know, Coach
Fatima. Do you think that that's the case? Do you think that's
something? Have you noticed it with your kids? Because I mean,
coaching of the year, he looks like he runs a tight ship? So
like, what's the deal? Here? Well, I'll just say this, we grew up
close Nyla can speak to this to my grandparents were from the south
and you didn't talk back. You just didn't do it. You knew not to do
it. were black, you did it. There was a repercussion for doing so
you don't talk back, you better not say before your they pop you,
you know, for saying something back. So there's a there's a
respect level. So one thing our children that were not allowed to
do was to hit each other because sometimes children don't know when
to stop, they couldn't hit each other with their words hate each
other with their hand. So we wanted them to be safe from each
other's words in hand. Now, sometimes it has sound like the OJ
trial among my daughters in our home, like a bunch of little
attorneys going at it. However,
it depends on the child too. So I learned that I can't talk to all
my daughters the same way and all my sons the same exact way. So the
communication I have with my daughter that's over, she's 27
years old, and then I have one, that's 20 we have a different
conversation. You know, however, I know what what their triggers are,
what their buttons are, but it's like, okay, wait a minute, let's
meet each other with some type of grace and understanding when we're
talking to one another, especially their brother who's 15 and then
their little brothers. Right? Because he's still learning as a
15 year old how to communicate with women that are theirs, his
sisters. Yeah. So like, he don't, you know, it's like, okay, you
gotta knock before you go into their room. You can't just not go
in, you have to be allowed to come in. So there's certain etiquettes
he has to learn about them and there's certain etiquettes they
must learn about him, so emasculating him at 15 We want to
make
Should we stay away from that?
Talk more to that, I think for the benefit of those who maybe don't
have an idea of what that looks like,
I think it starts young you can emasculate at a very young age.
And once our sons sit amongst, let's say, a bunch of aunties, a
bunch of
sisters that are older than them, it can tend to feel like they're
ganged up on if the wrong communication is going on amongst
them. So like, what my son if my son,
buy something, he goes to the store for one of the girls in,
he'll go to the store, and he buys something, that's not the right
thing, he didn't have malicious intent behind it. So it must be a
universal truth, that there was not malicious intent to buy the
wrong style of bread or the wrong hair comb or the wrong whatever it
is, I'm very conscious that I don't want us to be the ones that
are causing this.
This destruction in his mind, of his core memories, it's like, I
don't want our core memory for him to be, well, they talked down to
me, they talked down to me, they said things about me, and it made
me feel this big. They ganged up on me, whatever the case may be,
so we have to be very careful about that communication. And he's
15. He's still trying to figure it all out. So he's going to, because
if he doesn't have prior knowledge, or Total Recall, of
something happening amongst women, then it's not easily identifiable
to him.
So I don't want to jump on him and go, you know, I'll say still, mm,
well, you know, just do it this way. Next time. You know, I'm not
saying your way is wrong, but I just want to kind of show you a
better way to do that. Now, why did you do that? Where were you?
How can you book and then just bashing bashing bashing
daughters, though, because I was gonna say, that was the advice
that a son see series.
We did that yesterday, baby, you missed out.
So
I want my my sons and my bonus sons to understand what healthy
communication sounds like, with men and women at a very early age.
So when they, if Allah forbid, that they they come come across a
sister that they want to marry, and she ends up being the opposite
of that. I want them to know what healthy communication sounds like,
out of their own home, you know, and then they can go home. That's
not how we're supposed to communicate. But if they're
hearing negativity and toxicity constantly, sometimes people can
get accustomed to that and think that's normal behavior. And I
don't want that for any of them. So teaching that the girls to go,
Okay, we need a spokesperson. And we don't need four sisters going
at one brother, or whatever. You know, let's pick a spokesperson.
Because you have your peacemakers you have your your daughters that
are kind of more blunt, and they might have to pull back. Because
the 15 year old is going What did I do wrong? I didn't even know I
did anything. You know? Yeah. So it's that it's going okay, he's
still learning, and we're gonna give him a chance to learn just
like our husbands. They have a learning curve still, just like we
have a learning curve. So we have to offer them some grace and go,
Okay, everybody thought, especially entering into marriage,
we should have this thing figured out by now. And it's year two.
No, that's not how that works. Because just as we are people that
are newlyweds, our husbands are newlyweds too. And they're
figuring it out as men that are newlyweds. And we're figuring it
out as wives that are newlyweds. Or even if you've been married for
25 years, you're having different relationships with the same person
over time. So when I'm married, and he's 19, and I'm married now,
and he's not 19, that's two different men. That's two
different relationships. So speaking to people are going to
evolve here here, and giving them some patience and going, okay,
he's not done this before. And he needs some practice, just as I do
is important. So to tell my son that I said, was too late, man,
how many wives do you have? Want to have? How many children do you
want to have? And he looked at me and he was about 11 or 12. He
said, as many as I can handle. I said, Well, what's that? He said,
a wife and two kids.
That
says, and I didn't, it wasn't my job to make him want more than
that. Although he might
It was my job to listen to him and not add to it or subtract from it.
So yeah, and I think what you were saying, naive, I think another
point is, obviously healthy communication across all bounds,
you know, across all the cars, all the whole, the whole board is what
we should be striving for, so that our girls and our boys know what
it looks like. They know what it looks like, they know what a
respectful conversation looks like, they know when honest
conversation looks like, you know, they know what, you know, they
know what being told off and or getting feedback feels like and
processing feedback, right? And not taking feedback personally,
right? These are things that they have to learn. So inshallah we
can, you know, be intentional about teaching them that but maybe
I'm you've been very quiet and we have to wrap up. So I would love
for you to give us maybe a little tidbit. Inshallah, before we close
out, because we've got a nice are waiting in the wings for the final
talk of
a two hour talk as well. But we just could not
what I was thinking that
I have no idea.
But I don't know who's who's where that's coming from. But
I have a son.
And sometimes, you know, when they are talking, I quietly listen. And
I just listened where the gap is. Because I'm constantly pitching
them, I'm telling them, but sometimes I let them fight, I let
them be so that you know, I get to see which one is lacking, and
where they need to support. So
my daughter, I have an older daughter and my son is younger. My
daughter is okay to take advice feedback from my husband, which is
not okay today, you know, brother, and that's where the conflict
begins. So I was like, How can I navigate that so that my son is
okay, that if the woman is not listening, and she has her own
point of view, and my daughter is like, if the man is telling you,
like the younger brother is telling you not to do something,
you have to listen to him. So it's, it's not easy, because they
have their own mindset. And I want them to make the decisions on
their own. But with the girls, especially, we're talking about
girls, I feel the more exposed the Automedia especially the means and
all like today my daughter was showing me a meme, where it's a
funny media. She's making fun of the husband, and she's having
crackers. And it's nice, I laughed with her. But then after laughing
with her, I made a straight face. She's like, Oh, what's wrong? Not
telling me what's wrong? You have a red flag for this as well. I'm
like, Yes, I haven't. This is what we're not supposed to do. You are
laughing at it, you are enjoying it only for maybe 15 or 20
seconds. But it stays in your mind. And it has an impact on you.
You cannot be making fun of your husband. And she's like, No, but
it's a meme. It's fine. I'm gonna No, it's not fine. It's not fine,
because it's there in your mind. And you have to not make fun of
the relationship. So you're like, Okay, I get your point. But still,
I don't understand. What are you trying to say? So you know, the
girls are getting impacted with these things. It's very funny.
It's humorous. She's like, it's just a meme, I would just watch it
and, you know, keep my phone I'm gonna Yes, you need to keep your
phone and filter whom you watch, because this has an impact on you.
And the same thing, my son tells my daughter that up, I don't watch
the show. There are certain bad things. She's like, I'm the only
one I know it. I'm like, No, you have to be okay to take advice
from the your brother, he's looking out for you.
It's not easy.
I let them fight. I let them express themselves. But at the
same time, tell them it's okay if the other person has their own
mind because you can't change the other person. Your point is to
want to tell them what to do what not to do, then the other person
is responsible for making decisions. So I'm at this point in
on parenting right now with my kids. Obviously, when they get
older, I'll have different challenges. But to be present in
your kid's life is very, very important and allow them to be the
person they want are going to be obviously we are shaping them we
are doing the tarbiyah and then the same time giving them a safe
space to express themselves that it works through to work through
the process to work through the process. And I think just on that
point in Sharla
Before we wrap up, and I think that can be a real sticking point,
I think within families that, how come he can tell me what to do?
Like, why should I have to listen to him, he's my brother, he's
younger, he's older. He's this, he's that.
And I think that that's a conversation to be had. Because if
we are telling the boys that you are Pawan, you're going to be
calm, and you're responsible for your sisters, and, you know, if
she's gonna go somewhere at night, I need you to go with her, I need
you to take her here, take her there and take care of them. She
needs to understand that the reciprocal relationship is that
you allow him to take some responsibility, right, which means
that you, you need to respect you know, his judgment on something.
So for example, if you say to him, I want you to accompany your
sister, she's going to a friend's house, right? So you know, it's
nighttime, whatever, walk with her. And they're walking, and
they're supposed to take a left, and he looks down that road and
says, I don't think that's safe, or I know people on this road, or
whatever the case may be, I think we should go this way. Obviously,
considering that he's a responsible lad, she should
understand that I need to turn right and not argue about going
left or you know, like making like a big deal about going left,
because he is taking me he is taking care of me. So he's kind of
responsible for me. He can't be responsible for me if I go down
the left alley, and then something happens, right? Because well, I
defied him. And I said, Well, I don't care what you think I'm
going that way. It's shorter. For example, it's just an example. But
do you guys think that that's fair? Do you think that that is
breeding something unhealthy? What do you what are your thoughts? I
think I think again, I know you guys have touched on various
different, you know, over the period of time of this kind of
feeding into this like feminism, but I feel like this the women
empowerment thing. There's a there's a kind of fine line
between empowering a woman we're empowering a young woman, and you
know, making her so empowered, that she feels that she has the
say above the husband. And that's when like you said, for example,
if you if you turn it around, and it's the husband walk in with the
wife and the husband, see something called wants her to do
something, but she is so empowered, if you like that she
feels that actually no, I think we should go left and not right. I
think that this is quite common with with young women and older
women as well that have been kind of fed this narrative that no, you
know, you you are empowered enough to make your own decisions when
it's not really accurate.
Yeah, I want to chime in a little bit on that too, because it
reminds me of how someone told us stories, it was like, it gets so
empowered and say that, Oh, I want to do this. And we're the same.
But then when a burglar or I mean, I'm worried when a lover comes
down the street, what are you? Why are you gonna you want your
husband to push you in front of him and say, Hey, how about you
take care of it, since you're so empowered, since you're, you know,
we're so much alike, type of thing. And it's a meat, but it's
true. It's, that's true. It's like, Can't argue with that.
Because we get into that that mindset of like, well, you know,
what, I'm a strong independent woman, you can't tell me what to
do. But the thing is, is that
it seems as though you want the, the equality, so to speak, when
you want the quality, when it's beneficial, or you call it
beneficial to you. But then when it's where you have to do the
extra work, or you have to do these other things that you're not
comfortable with, then you don't want it anymore. So it's like,
okay, which side do you want to be on? It's like you can't straddle
the fence. So, you know, be submissive, you know, be
understanding that this person is here to lead you and they try if
you're supposed to, if they're supposed to be you're supposed to
be the trust, where are they supposed to take care of you and
provide for you and these different things like that. Let
them you know, be that supportive system, don't be combative, those
type of things. So no, I definitely don't think that, you
know, it's breeding something negative, because when it comes
down to it, it's like, okay, if this person knows, you know,
that's just thing I say the same thing, even when it comes to
parenting.
If you have a child that's fussing at you and complaining, like they
just know it all, and you've been here a whole lot longer, or you've
been around here like you say to be for a while I know these people
around this block or whatever the case may be like, Why are you
fighting me with this? You know, why are we having this
conversation? And it might be interesting guys, for you. If you
have daughters, for example, who have already like exhibited
discomfort, with the language around being a dutiful wife, being
an obedient wife. Do that exercise that I showed you yesterday where
you play with language and look at it from the Okay, so the word
disobedient what's coming up for you, what does it bring up for
you? Now let's look at the synonyms for that word. And and I
would suggest doing that exercise with them and seeing what comes up
for them. Because I think that
It may help to de escalate the emotion, right that they have tied
to that word. And you know, if you are a dutiful wife,
open to like, peel back the curtain a little bit and let them
know sort of, you know, this this home that you live in, which is,
you know, so peaceful and comfortable and you feel safe in
there's a reason why it's like that. It's like that because Bob
has taken responsibility for the family and he does X, Y and Zed.
It's like that because I support him in this way. And that way.
It's like that because Bubba and I have decided that we're not going
to argue about petty things. It's like that because Barbara and I
have always decided to put a law first whatever it is that's making
your dynamic work, be I think, be open with your children. I think
we issue people a challenge, didn't we yesterday, but this
does, it's been amazing. Like I said, this could have been a two
hour stream so my apologies we just wanted to pack so much in so
we had to limit everybody to an hour. But may Allah subhanaw taala
bless all of you and your families and your daughters and your sons
and the rest of your Maria. As Khaled Said today Ma sha Allah and
hope Inshallah, that you will get to share the stream and the videos
with more of your people. And inshallah we'll see you bid nila,
in a year's time, maybe less. But does that come alongside and thank
you so much for being part of this. Okay, so now Aliko
Salaam Alaikum. Guys, this Aneesa isn't here to boot everybody out.
Stay in watch if you want but since then, he's just taking over
now.
You're muted. You're muted. You're muted. I'm so sorry. Listen, I
wish I was in there because I could have talked about to my
daughters who are married to Pamela maybe we'll talk about it
now. Insha Allah
I'm so sorry SIS. We kept you for waiting for half an hour stuff for
Allah. May Allah forgive us. Alhamdulillah hamdulillah
hamdulillah Are you good to present? Or are you wanting us to
be together? What's the situation?
Let's just do it together.
I think we'll be benefited by yourself. Alright, what introduce
me then. And then I will introduce you Hello, swear my God, you've
got as long as you like whoever stays and you know and basically
yeah, I mean, we like I said, we've been here for eight hours
now. It's like an eight hour stream. Is it eight hours guys on
YouTube? What does it say? I think it is it's been it's Oh no. Nine
hours. Wow. Nine hours ago. All right. Um, the law. Okay, guys,
Miss Mina let me record
to the cloud.
Bismillah Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato. Guys,
welcome to the last talk on day two of the secrets of successful
marriage conference 2022, soon to be 2023. May Allah bless all of
you guys who've been watching please don't forget to Like the
video and subscribe to the channel, we reached 49k. Today, it
will be great to get to 50k in sha Allah. But hey, hamdulillah I'm
glad that you've managed to join us and that you've been brought to
this video for whatever reason, our conversation, or the
presentation that we're going to be having now is from SR. And Isa
kissoon, who is to multi passionate and multi skilled and
multi talented for me to even go into what she does. But today
you're going to be talking about the secret stuff, aren't you and
the secret sauce. So Stephanie, so please tell us who you are and
what you're going to be talking about in Sharla. And take it away
with Nila, as well, um, why aleikum wa rahmatullah. Hey, we're
better cattle, I know that you guys are probably really tired. So
before I introduce myself, I would like everyone to just do two
things. Take a beautiful deep breath in. And just move those
shoulders around a little bit. Right, your neck a little bit.
Okay, stand up if you have to shake it all about, because I'm
going to need you to have a bit of focus, and a little bit of energy
for what I've got to teach you in sha Allah. Okay. And the other
thing I'd like you to do, actually, is if you can grab a pen
and a paper or you know, I know people, they do notes on their
phones these days, I'm old fashioned. I like my notepad. And
I like my pen, my pen. Okay, and the other thing if we were allowed
to name let me know if we can actually use the chat as well.
I've got my kind of computer down here.
So that I'd like to be able to do a little bit of interaction. Am I
okay to do that?
Alright, VIPs you're on notice you're on notice. I know there's
not a ton of you in there. But you're on notice because sister
and ISA can only communicate and interact directly with you.
Because she'll you'll she'll see your messages right away and
you'll see hers. But with YouTube, it takes like a few seconds for
them to hear it and then for them to be involved. But I'm watching
that chat so I can feed back to you from there. No problem. So
again, let's take that nice, deep
And let's just get everything moving. Because you've had a wall
of a conversation just then I mean, I was tuned in as a mother,
and I was listening going, oh my goodness me, you know, I wanted my
girls to jump on as well. But it is nice, you know, to prepare the
next generation for marriage, it is beautiful for us to be sharing
some of our ancient I should say wisdoms with them so that they can
learn but also not just for them for us to, for us, there's a lot
of older people that are struggling to get married or
entering into new marriages now. So, like one of the beautiful
coaches said on that last panel, they said that, you know, we are
constantly evolving, we are constantly becoming new people.
And this is why we need to keep learning. So I'm going to just
jump right in. My name is Vanessa kissoon. And I am so grateful,
first and foremost, one to Allah subhanaw taala, for giving us this
platform, and to two brave sisters, like our beautiful name
of B. Roberts, who has actually, you know, gone to such lengths to
give us these beautiful platforms. And I say that, because some of
the topics that we are talking about are a little bit taboo for
our community, or at least some of the our communities, right. But
these are conversations that we need to have, we need to be open
about it, we need to be bold, and we need to not be scared to
actually talk. Because if we don't, then unfortunately, our
minds are curious. Other things come in the way you know, whispers
and all sorts of stuff. And we get lost in this world of crazy
information. So it is safer to have these beautiful spaces, so
that we can share not just the happy moments, but the absolutely
down and you know downtrodden moments as well, because that's
what life is like, it is like that roller coaster isn't it, it goes
up sometimes and it goes down. And if we keep sharing these happy
moments all the time, it won't be realistic. So what we do want to
do is we want to learn from each other. So that we can hopefully,
you know, have a beautiful journey and be able to ride over some of
those bumps. Okay. Hamdulillah. So like I said, my name is Jessica
soon. And number one I've been blessed with Islam for nearly 30
years, now Masha Allah, and in those 30 years, I have had not
only five children of my own, I have a beautiful granddaughter
Alhamdulillah. But I have many, many extended beautiful children,
who some of them have actually gone on and got married themselves
and have children. So I'm kind of known as the mama of the community
here in the UK Alhamdulillah now,
this is one of the topics that I love. And we are going to be
talking about love and intimacy today. When NEMA you know, put the
list of topics and you know, talks that we could talk about, I
grabbed mine, like literally probably within five seconds, and
it is learning your spouse's love language. I'm gonna say that
again, you may want to write that down, learning your spouse's love
language. Okay. And the reason why I chose this is because love and
intimacy is something that we need to be talking about a lot openly.
I saw many moons ago, our community started to get and this
is the ugly parts like coming up. But we started to get curious and
not in a good way. Because like I said, it started to become taboo.
If you're curious about something, and you don't have the right
teachers, or you're not able to learn from your parents, or your
aunties and uncles, where do you learn, you learn in the
playgrounds, you learn from the internet, unfortunately, you learn
from, you know, people talking, and like I said, it's not
necessarily the right conversations. Now, to me, love
has become something that we don't focus on. And I know this very
much so because one of the lines of my work is Alhamdulillah. I've
been blessed to do healing, healing with hijama healing with
many other modalities, but a lot of the complaints that come to me
is actually the roots are coming from marriages. They say,
I have no desire anymore. My husband doesn't desire me.
I don't feel anything. There's no connection between us. I am
depressed. I'm literally depressed because I feel neglected. Again, a
lot of these are coming from loveless marriages or marriages
that are not working. And when I have looked at my relationship
between my client and the advice that I give them, a lot of it
comes down to
What is love? Or are you in a marriage where you are just
literally the role, the role and you're, you know, you're doing
roles and responsibilities, you know, rather than a beautiful
partnership. And that's one of the issues that we have. So today, I
want to talk about your spouse's love language. But what is love,
and what is a love language, we may think that is just, you know,
a bit of intimacy. But it's not, it is literally the most
beautiful, the most intimate connection that you can have on
the earth. And I shook things up on the internet recently, because
I went live on one of the channels. And I said, you know, we
need to change this narrative. And this is, and I'm talking about the
wives here. And I said that, you know, we, over the years we have
had drummed into our head, that a way to a man's heart is through
his stomach, right. So a lot of cultures have taken that on. And
they have just decided to become master chefs right there in the
kitchen all the time. And again, I see this, I have traveled up and
down the countries and I see my clients, and I'm like, How many
hours do you spend in the kitchen, and literally, some of them, it
could be all day, and I'm talking about an eight hours, you know,
because it's breakfast, and it's lunch, and it's dinner, and it's
washing up, and it's cleaning, and it's all sorts, but they kind of
live in the kitchens. And don't get me wrong, they are like master
chefs. But
I shook things up because I said,
if we look at the anatomy, mother's feed naturally, and we
can look at our own anatomy as women, and we can look at the
animal kingdom. And yes, you see that we are designed to feed. As
soon as that baby comes out and leaves our world what happens, we
attach it to our body, and we feed it, we nourish it. And as a child,
you always know that when you're hungry, you go back to mom. And I
feel that that statement about the way to a man's heart is through
his stomach has then gone down to being a wife. So we put so much
focus on this right. And we are great in the kitchen. Well, you
know, those those who choose to be thinking that the way to the man's
heart is through his stomach, they spend so much time cooking, okay,
and cooking, don't get me wrong, it's nice, and it's therapeutic.
And it's good. But sometimes we're not feeding in the right foods.
And I'll get onto that a bit later if we have time. But when you look
at the anatomy between a couple, look at our parts, our connecting
parts, right? And I was trying to find a decent way of of talking
about this, but I like to look at the plug. Okay, so you've got the
socket, and you've got the plug itself and they fit, right? They
fit and when they fit. That's when you get the electricity. Well, if
you switch the switch on, right, but you get the electricity,
right, and you get recharged and you power up. Okay, that's what
we, in my opinion should be focusing on, is perfecting the
intimacy, learning about it. Because over the last maybe 20 or
more years, actually, to be fair, I'm showing my age a bit. But, you
know, I've been fascinated with this topic. I come from the West
Indies. And this is our, this is who we are, we are very
charismatic, you know, intimate people as a whole.
And, you know, I was always fascinated with this, this area of
intimacy. And then when I came into Islam, and I'm was here
amongst a community that don't really focus on it, what I found
was, there was a lot of newlyweds who didn't know what they were
doing. They'd asked me literally, Auntie, I'm getting married. What
do I do? I'm nervous. I'm terrified. You know, am I going to
be good in that area? Right? So I used to say to No, it's okay, it's
okay. You know, some cultures are fine. They have their own way of
talking about it. They're open about it. But there's a lot within
the Muslim community that don't. And then, if you don't know what
happens, you end up searching or you end up looking in the wrong
places, like I said. So the fact that we can talk about these
topics openly now is, like I said, a major blessing. And if we spend
more time not only talking about it, but learning it and teaching
it, then we've all become master chefs for in the bedroom, where it
really matters. Because again, going back to my clientele, not
only do I hear this from the women, but I hear this from the
men too. I hear the classic lines are not attracted to my wife
anymore. You know, we've lost the spark. Can you give her some tips
so that we can become intimate with
because we are definitely made different, right? And don't get me
wrong, I don't want to go into this, this whole, you know, this
is the women's job. And this is the male job, but we are literally
made differently. And for me, love and intimacy is an absolute gift.
And I say this because one, it's free, right? You might spend a
little bit of money on on laundry, and some oils and things like
this, but literally, it is free. But it is a connection. And it has
a frequency unlike any other. And if you look at it, from a
perspective of this is what keeps the human race going. If we took
that away, we would cease to exist. Literally. Okay, so this is
how important in my opinion it is. And what are we doing about it?
Well, then we focus on, the men will focus on provisions, okay.
And I know this, and maybe in the West here, and the women, you
know, we have to do this as well, where we're kind of forced to go
out and work because you need two couples working to in order to
support a household nowadays, right. And we spend a lot of time
in academia, or becoming parents, and I see people dedicating so
much time to becoming parents, right. They've got children's
extra activities, and they have tutoring, and they've sent their
children to private schools, etc, right. But I'd like us to start,
at least, to make the intentions of putting this amount of focus
into love and intimacy. And I say that because if you're running a
business, okay, and you want to have a successful business, and in
your business plans, you want to make a million, you will do
whatever you will get business coaches, you will learn you will
go on courses, you will read books, and you would have a lot of
experience, right, you will try and you know, you will fail and
you're trying to fail, and you'll put your money into it, you'll put
your time into it and everything. Okay, because you want it to be a
success. What do we do with regards to our dean, especially
the reverts who've come in, and they've found this beautiful
religion, we need to learn all of our basics, right? We need to
learn how to pray, you know how to make we do how to put the hijab
on, we need to learn the mannerisms. Some of us even go as
far as learning Arabic, or moving country, just so that we can grasp
the language of the Quran, so that we can understand the Quran more,
and we can have a deeper connection with it. Recently, I
was in Tokyo, and I was driving with the most beautiful sister, or
Mamer, right from Sudan. And I was really excited because you know,
was acid time and we were doing our add car, right? And I sort of
slipped pause, because I'm trying to get into that car, or Fajr.
And,
and as a right. So I started to recite, and you know, I was
reciting the Arabic, not very well, by the way, but then I was
reciting the English and she stopped and she said, an ISA, is
this what you are understanding of the Arabic language with regards
to this, da, and I sit yet, you know, she said, Oh, my goodness,
me, that's nothing. That's nothing. She said, You need to
learn the Arabic language. And she broke it down to me. And that
translation, that simple translation.
When she explained it, it turned into, honestly, like, I was
reading a novel, I felt like I was actually you know, in a movie, I
was connected with a lot on a different level Subhanallah
because she got me to understand it more. And that for me, it made
me want to write that set. You know, I've got to take my Arabic
language more seriously, because I wanted to connect more. And I was
thinking, My goodness, or when I'm reading soil care, or I'm just
praying even, you know, the translation that I've learned is
not actually as meaningful as I should be kind of feeling if I
took more time out, right? So that's one of my biggest
intention. Or what about the language of love? How much are we
really understanding this connection? Or like I said, have
marriages become this kind of routine? Where it's like, Alright,
I'm not married. I need to get married because I need a husband
to provide for me. I need a husband to protect me. There's
nothing wrong with this, by the way sisters, but also we're
sometimes sometimes missing this really important thing, and that's
our connection. Love wise. Okay. Like I said, I've seen a lot of
sisters. I know a lot of sisters who actually get divorced because
of this too. They get divorced because they've lost that
connection.
How much time do we put in? How much time do we put into learning
our spouse's love language? So again, beautiful title, how to
learn about your spouse's love language. Yes, there is a language
of love. There's a beautiful language of love. But how much of
us are taking that time out to learn our spouse's love language?
Because we're all different. Okay, literally, we're all different.
It's just like food. Okay, we have preferences. Some people are
allergic to things. If you're cooking for your husband, right,
and you know that he's allergic to nuts, you're gonna make sure that
the dishes that you learn, are not gonna have nuts in it, because you
don't want him to have an allergic reaction. You don't want to reach
for pain or, you know, SubhanAllah. Right. But how much
time are we putting into learning what our spouses need in terms of
love and intimacy? Are we really getting to know them? Or have we
just become that couple that go to the bedroom and they do certain
things, and then they get up in the morning and they discuss
bills, and schooling for children and visiting parents, etc? are we
taking that time out to know each other because that does take time.
Again, I like to refer it back to food even though I'm trying to get
everybody out of the kitchen. But I like to refer it back to food
because it's simple. If your husband's favorite dish is
something complicated, like
what's complicated, I don't know, well, for me, would be Trinidadian
roti, right from scratch. Okay, and those of you who don't know
what Trinidadian roti is, it's the most beautiful roti, but it has
this like, flaky kind of chickpeas in it. And it's really, it's made
in the most delicate and beautiful way, right. But if that was my
husband's favorite dish, it would take me a long time to probably
master it. But I would go out and I would find the recipe, and I
would buy the ingredients, and then I would take time perfecting
it. Right? Because I want to please Him. And again, for those
of you sitting down there thinking, Oh, well, I don't like
to, you know, I don't want to spend all this time focusing on my
husband, or what about him? What about what he's doing to me? This
is where we're missing the trick. And I heard some of the sisters
say this in the last talk.
We need to understand this is the dunya. This is not the ACA, this
is not Jana. This is the dunya where we have beautiful examples,
like our beloved asiyah May Allah be pleased with her why she
recorded as one of the four best women, because she was married to
the worst of the worst. But she had the most beautiful patients
and Allah rewarded her. So let's not look for that kind of Disney
fairy tale. But when you do things for the sake of Allah, you do it
to the best of your ability anyway, you do it, whether or not
he's nice to do it, whether or not, he's giving you as much
attention as you need. You do it because I was watching and in your
book, you want it to be written that you were the best wife, you
were the best, the same way that we should be with everything that
we do within our children. And this is a reminder to myself,
within our community. Within our select, when we are praying on the
mat, we shouldn't just go to the mat Allahu Akbar, Smitherman and
he might just make we'll do like this, you know, you know what I
mean? We should enter that map, like it is a sacred space, we
should be making would do like it is a sacred act, we should look
after our spouses, our children, our parents, the community,
because it is all in a manner for a short amount of time it is
entrusted to us. And like I said, if we understand that Allah is all
see, and we understand this as his attribute,
then we would recognize that it is all sacred.
How many of us
understand that love, and intimacy is a gift, it is a treasure, an
absolute treasure sent to us by Allah. Like I said, free. But a
lot of us take it for granted. Right? We don't nurture it. We
don't give it the time. We don't learn about what our spouses need.
And you know what?
There's something in it for us too. And I don't want to focus on
it, but it but it is, but there is because if we learn about it from
our spouses perspective, and we learn how to please our spouse, we
can also spend time learning it for ourselves. And believe me, we
wanted to be doing that more than eating chocolate, right? Because
there's a consequence. When you eat too much chocolate or
Do you drink too much coffee or tea?
Or you binge watch?
There is baraka. There is blessings in it. It's an act of
worship. If you only understood,
it doesn't become wasting time. You know? I mean, yes, you can sit
down if you want to, and it's your preference to sit down and watch a
movie with your husband. And if your intention is it brings you
together, then that's that's a preference. But this act,
this beautiful sacred gift is something that
shouldn't be taboo. First and foremost.
If we are talking about it enough, it should be something that we
like I said, honor, and we're entrusted. And that we treat with
absolutely with absolute respect. We should treat it with absolute
respect.
I want you to join in with the conversation with me because I'm
about to get a little bit deeper. But I hope that you understand now
the foundation, yes. Is it important to learn about love and
intimacy? Of course it is. What are the consequences? The
consequences are unfortunately, things become taboo. We learn from
the wrong sources. We have an absolute issue. And I think I can
now say this because it is a bit later. But we have a problem in
our community with *. Straight up. We do not just
amongst the males, females, children. I saw this coming 20 odd
years ago, tried to speak about it, everybody shut it down. You
can't talk about this an ESA, you can't talk about this in ESA, what
is the problem that we have today? It has now spread and it's become
an avid epidemic the same way. 20 years ago, I saw this addiction to
sugar. I talked about it, I said we need to campaign about this
more, because obesity is on the rise.
Nobody really wanted to do much about it. What they wanted to do
instead was open up more chicken and chip shops. They wanted to
open up more dessert parlors, the wonderful conference that I want
to date, what were they selling shewed slices of cake like this
huge they weren't selling. And in fact, I didn't see any other food.
All I saw was huge. So what is what is this doing? The
consequence of that is that it's reading into an addiction to
sugar, which then plays a part in diabetes, in obesity in so many
other things.
So, with regard to love and intimacy, do we need to talk about
it? Yes, we do. If you think that this is taboo, turn away, you
know, put that to the side. Because before in ancient
cultures, when this was talked about it was talked about in such
a loving manner. And it was part of society. Yes, it has become a
little bit. You know,
it's become lustful now. But we need to really talk about this.
And thank you again to SR nine B Roberts because my Charlottenburg
crutches allowed us to open up and talk about this. Let's not let our
children find * first. Let's teach them the beautiful,
beautiful art of love. And Alhamdulillah. You know, just for
your viewers, I have written a book called The Forgotten art of
love. And for you, if you go to my website, you can get it for free
for this limited period, right? You can go and get it for free.
preorder it, it's coming out soon. But it talks about this from a
beautiful perspective. So that we can not because you have you have
the sign that okay, if intimacy and love is outside of marriage,
then obviously there's that haram element, right? There's the Haram
element, you've got fornication, you've got adultery. Yes. You
know, you have that. However, if it's done within the halal realms,
it is an act of worship, it is beautiful, it is pleasurable. It
is something that like I said, it doesn't have a consequence, apart
from having lots of children and Hamdulillah. But again, it's not
it's not it's something that is baraka,
you know, the prophet citizen talked about, you know, having
lots of children to spread the Ummah, this is a gift. This is
beautiful. This is Dawa, even Alhamdulillah but it keeps
marriages together.
Remember what I said, if we don't nurture this side, we get brothers
who are neglected. Let's just talk let's talk real. We get brothers
that are neglected sisters who have neglected brothers who want
second wives, right? Maybe not necessarily for the right reason.
Not necessarily for the right reason. Last year alone I have
had one day, in particular, I had four brothers contact me was
supposed to be about health, okay.
And as I'm talking to them, and I'm explaining to them, they said,
our Nisa, and it was a bit weird, actually, one day one was a chef.
Anyway, let's not go into that. But they all said the same thing.
And he said, Can you talk to the women? about intimacy, please?
And I said, Okay, what is the problem?
We want to take second wives.
Okay, brother, it's permissible for you to take second wise, if
you have the means. And you think you're going to be just with your
time? And she's okay with it. This Melania? No, it's permissible. No,
we need to take second wives because we get neglected in that
area. And a lot of women don't understand. And I was like,
continued, you see, some men have more needs than others. And, by
the way, sisters were listening, I'd say the same for Sisters, we a
lot of us have a lot of needs as well. But these brothers in
particular, were saying, if we don't get this loving attention
from our own wives, then it becomes an issue, it becomes an
issue to the point where now we need it from somewhere else. Now,
let's push Islam aside for one second hold it there, and you will
understand why. Because within Islam Alhamdulillah we are allowed
to have multiple wives right men are,
but in the non Muslim relationship space, this then becomes
mistresses, mistresses,
this becomes sneaking out and it leads to sin upon sin upon sin.
And of course, even within Islam. And within Muslim, not Islam a
sufferer but within Muslims, you know, there are brothers and
sisters who go out there and do that. So again, do you understand
how important it is for us to nurture this love and intimacy
just a bit more?
Why is it that when there's the you know, beautiful roof, about,
if you go and see something outside, If a man goes and sees it
something outside come home, and, you know, be with your wife
intimately, because it is also a protection. So to learn this
language of love, and specifically, your, your husband
or your wives language, it becomes like I said, an act of a badass.
Now, I'm gonna get a bit shaken up a little bit, okay? Because when I
teach this language, first and foremost, it's not with words,
it's a universal language. And this is where you might want to
quickly grab your notepad and pen, right?
It's not with, like I said, language. So you know, as you
would go, and you'd learn another language and you'd be you know,
conversating This one doesn't need any words, it is universal. Okay,
Alhamdulillah. But how do we communicate because language is
about communication. You communicate with your body parts.
Now, I want to touch on something here.
Because when I was going out and finding out about ancient
cultures, and I looked into some of them, there's some very famous
ones that we have, okay. And when I looked at it from a Muslim
perspective, because I studied it before Islam, but looking at it
from Muslim perspective, I was quite shocked. There's one love
lessons list that has 664 different components. And those 64
components comprise of spells.
Love
idol worshipping,
literally gambling.
Things that were within our deen, that was just like, hold on a
minute. You know? We can't do sorcery. Subhanallah sorcery. So I
was looking at this this and I was going that one pretty good. Yep,
that one's good. That one idol worship, this is shook. This we
are not allowed to do. So I was going through it again. UPS
gambling, ah, ah, alcohol. Oh, oh, spells, casting spells.
SubhanAllah. So I looked at it and I thought, Oh, wait, I don't want
us to get or even go there. You know, yes, some of us can go and
take out the bits that are great. But I don't want us to go there as
Muslims. So I was, you know, again, looking at other cultures,
and there's things that within their intimate acts that we are
100% not allowed to do. We're not allowed to enter
Um, certain bodily parts. So it was like, Can we really learn from
these people or things where there were multiple partners involved.
So Alhamdulillah, we have our boundaries, okay, we have our
boundaries, they are only a few. But I feel
that definitely, we are not utilizing this language of love.
If we were using this language of love more, than we'd understand
that it doesn't just start off from the bedroom, it starts off
way before then.
And with these 13 bodily parts,
let's just look at the eyes, for instance, there's a whole load of
communication that you can do with the eyes.
Remember, when it comes to love and intimacy, where is the place
that it starts,
not from certain parts of the anatomy that you might think,
starts from up here,
if you can connect up here, with your spouse,
and even if let's say, for instance, okay, you have an
argument, I don't want to go there, because I'm not feeling him
when I'm not feeling her. And I don't want to get into it. Again,
remember, it's an act of worship. I'm sure there's many of us that
don't want to get out of bed. Right? At Fudger. Especially on
those cold nights, we don't want to get up and go and make wudu.
Right, and leave our comfort, the comfort of our bed. But we know we
do it, because
why? Because it's an act of worship. And it's a great act of
worship. And even before Fajr there's tahajjud, where if you get
up for to Hajj, it
is not obligatory. But it's a sacred time that you can have just
you and Allah, especially as women, that's a time that normally
our children asleep in our husbands are sleeping, and their
silence, there's no chores to do.
It's just you and Allah, on that prayer mat, you and Allah when you
Institute, so you can kind of have a cry, and you can have a
conversation. It's beautiful.
It's the same thing. Even if you're not in the mood, right?
You can get yourself in that mood. For the sake of Allah for the sake
of connection, for the sake of growing love, for the sake of
keeping your family strong. The same way you would like I said, do
for your children's education and saw sure there's times it was
snowing recently, no parent wanted to get up and try to tremble in
the snow. But you did it because you believe in the power of
education for your child. And same way as business, you want to get
up and open up that shop or, you know, fill in those forms or doing
whatever you have to do serving certain customers. But you do it
because you understand you need to keep a roof over your head, you
need to buy food, you need to buy provisions, put that energy and
time into intimacy and love. And look at the baraka that it will
bring in sha Allah don't take the time to learn. Right? Like I said,
just your eyes alone.
You can call your partner two different ways. Right? You can
literally communicate, I mean, has anybody ever known?
And those of you who are British here, maybe those Americans you
won't know this, but we had a fan system, okay. That literally, you
know, would send certain messages off to your intended, okay. I
mean, it wasn't the best communication skills, okay, but
certain ways it would flicker your knee, just use my book, and I'll
show you a certain ways that you would flicker your fan, or put
your fan up and things like this or put it across, you would do say
you were communicating. Well imagine learning that. And it's
just between you and your husband. Let's think about that for a
moment. Right? Or between you and your your wife. So that you
imagine you've let's let's just get a little scenario going on.
You've got family members around, right? And you've got your
children and things like this. And you know, your husband, let's
let's change the scenario. Your husband's in the kitchen. He's
doing the dishes, right? Because you've shared the responsibility.
Let's just get a real
let's paint a beautiful fantasy here. So he's washing up right,
he's got the apron on the full nine yards. So you might even have
gloves on. Right? And
you're signaling to each other, just using the eyes. Okay. What is
that doing to your brain? What is that doing to your dopamine? What
is that doing? For me? So I started to get a bit hot now. You
know, and you're there.
Maybe wiping the table and you've given him the signal. And it's a
whole communication going, right? But it is between you and him.
What is that going to do?
What is that going to do? It's going to, like I said, it's going
to switch you on. Because like I said, you have the socket, and you
have the plug. And when you plug it in, unless you turn on that
switch, there won't be no power. So you turn on that switch, by
turning on the mind. And like I said, I do talk about this in the
book, I talk about this in the book on how to switch it on.
Because some people have very high libido, they have higher drives.
And some people don't, well, actually you can help each other.
You can manipulate it, there's foods that you can eat, there are
triggers that you can do, there are smells, there's all sorts,
because it literally is a whole area. If you if you think about
cooking, okay? Don't just think about your cultures food. Okay,
let's, let's take Italian, okay, you can just literally, and listen
to the fireworks behind this fireworks going on. Because we're
seeing in the new year, right? So let's go in with a new year with a
bang. But listen, imagine your culture now. Okay? And you have,
you've got different dishes, you you're you're Italian, and you're
gonna master meatballs and, and spaghetti bolognese, and lasagna,
for instance. Right? And that's what you cook, you know, you're
happy cooking that. But then you spend more time learning other
cultures, you learn a bit of Indonesian. So now you're cooking,
befriending you know, you are learning Jamaican, and now you've
got a bit of curry Golden Rice going on here, you are learning
how to cook some Chinese and tom yum soup? What is that going to
do? It's going to add spice to your relationship, it's going to
leave that element of surprise, isn't it. So it's not going to be
the same all the time. And that's what we need. Because we live in
an era of and you can see that I'm getting really passionate and
comfortable with you guys now. But we live in an era where we are
bombarded with so many different things, right? It wasn't like
before, where we would have small communities, we wouldn't travel
that often, you know, we'd see the same people all the time, we'd go
to the same job, you know, meet our colleagues meet the school
lot. And then that's it now, we've been excited. And it's obviously
it's broadened by having the internet, you know, you you We now
travel a lot more, for instance, or we're exposed, our eyes are
exposed to a lot more. You know, we know more we can communicate, I
mean, I'm sure here we have people from different parts of the world,
right? And we talk about our experiences, and we learning,
right? So we kind of need a lot more. Okay, so I'm not talking
about this from the perspective of just young people, newlyweds, I'm
talking about the perspective, this from a perspective of people
who have been married for 20 years or more, we need to constantly
evolve, we need to constantly new learn new things, we need to
constantly spice it up. And for that, it needs to have a holistic
approach. We can learn body language, we can learn how to cook
certain foods, we can learn how to manipulate mindsets, you know,
literally I mean, I don't like the word manipulate, but you know what
I mean? Helping each other to switch it on and off. Because
we're supposed to be there to support one another. In one of the
courses I teach, I even look at the problem areas. Because when I
used to teach fitness, again, I used to have clients say to me and
Lisa, you know,
I have put on a lot of weight after our baby and I can't shift
it. And it's really making me not confident with my husband anymore.
I say okay, I understand that. And parts of my body is just not the
same anymore. Okay, fair enough, happens to everyone, change it,
make that intention and do something about it. You can lose
the weight, you can tone up certain bodily parts to make your
intimacy experience even better. But you've got to want to make
that change. Like, like I said, when you want to learn the Arabic
language, you have to go out there and buy books and get tutors or
even move to countries so that you can submerge yourself in that
language. Let's do that. With the areas that you're not confident
in. You can make changes anywhere in sha Allah. Okay, so whether or
not you have that low libido, you're not confident you just
don't know what to do. Maybe you are a new
You went and you're like, I've never been taught before. What do
I do? Where do I start? And like I said, I have these conversations
with young girls.
But also the boys, maybe they don't have that Auntie or the
uncle that they can speak to, because they are shy. And shyness
is an amazing blessing.
It is a beautiful blessing. But so is love and intimacy. Let's not
make that taboo anymore. Let's bring it out in the open. Let's
honor it, and give it that space and nurture it so that it can
grow. And it can be something that we can feel comfortable talking
about.
We can be confident talking about and we can enjoy it. It's a source
of pleasure. And it can be the best I'm telling you know, amount
of chocolate ice cream, or ghettos, or whatever it is that
you like, can beat this. Because once you know what you're doing,
and we have some wonderful people out there we have village Auntie
mashallah, who? I mean, for me, I don't go into the technicalities
so much because I like to focus on the mindset. I like to focus on
the confidence levels. Okay, but I like to help you to enhance
things, give you certain remedy, give you certain things that you
can do. Women, can you imagine being in the in the kitchen,
right, and your husband's coming home and you've mixed up this
brew, and you give him this brew? And that brew takes you to another
level? Okay, literally. I have blessum uncles that hadn't been
married for over 20 years. So to me and Nisa, I've just got
married.
I've literally just got married.
I haven't been intimate with a woman for over 20 years, what do I
do? And then they're not looking at me and they're not talking to
me, you know, it's whether it's on the phone, or it's just, you know,
they like this. And I say uncle, just take these few ingredients,
mix them together, say Bismillah. And then they come back and
they're like, Oh, my goodness meet Subhan Allah, look at this, thank
you so much. Because we've helped each other the same way the sister
did, or main Muhammad beautiful Naima did to me when I was trying
to get a grasp of the Arabic language with that beautiful dua.
She helped me to connect to a lot more by explaining it to me,
because this is something that she is passionate about and good at.
I wasn't I needed that help. I needed the experts. I need the
expertise to guide me to help me. And again, the same way as
yourself, you may need the expertise. And maybe you think you
know it all. Don't ever think that by the way, we're always
continuously learning. We are continuously evolving, our body
parts change. And when our body parts change, sometimes we need to
have tips, you know,
how to make certain body parts work a bit better.
Like how many of us take our health in that area, and really
think about becoming a bit more flexible. How many of us think
about
our strength, our stamina in those areas.
You see what I mean? I think you know what I'm getting that we
don't pay enough attention. So there's going to be something that
you're going to take away from today. I want it to be an
intention
coupled with an action. One the intention is to learn the language
of love and intimacy. One is for yourself whether or not you're
single, right? Because even though even the ones who are single,
there are certain beautiful things that you can do. You know, certain
smell
makes you feel good. Makes you feel like you're in love. Okay,
because I know it gets lonely. Let's talk about the ugly side it
gets lonely when you're on your own. Right. And we have natural
urges within ourselves that we want to fulfill. But did you know
that just by putting a few drops of certain smells, inhaling it and
deep breathing in certain ways? It can help that
libido that desire to go down? I have so many people that have
gentleman said Nisa I'm, I can't fast anymore. You know I can't
fast because I tried to control a desire. You know, I can't get
married right now because I don't means okay, that's okay. That's
fine.
But what are you going to do if that urge is constantly in you and
you can't
don't contain it. And like I said, You've tried fasting, you have
tried to, you know, switch it off, there's small little things that
you can do that actually just help you to lower it. And then you can
function a bit better. And like I said, whether or not you are a
mother, and you have children that are growing up, because that's an
important part of being a parent, is to not let your children go and
learn it off the internet or learn it in a playground, specially not
in school right now.
So that it doesn't become taboo. It doesn't become a dangerous
topic.
So that it's a part of parenting, we're supposed to get as parents,
right, we're supposed to get our children prepared and ready for
adulthood. Okay? How many women put the emphasis on education,
this piece of paper, this piece of paper, this is I want my children
to have Masters, I want them to have GCSE and A level, I want them
to have this and this and this and this. And then you have some
parents who say yes, and I've got my, my children to learn how to
provide and to cook. But we need to teach them about
beautification. We need to teach them about intimacy. We need to
teach them how to please their husbands and vice versa. The boys
how to please the women, what women need the Romans, the
nurturing that they need. We have so many beautiful examples from
our beloved Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam, he wasn't just this
prophet that went out there and preached and, and it was dour. He
was everything holistically, habitually. So are we teaching our
children how to holistically be and if we are parents, whether
it's two sons, or it's two daughters, are we getting them
ready to pass them on to their next stages in the most beautiful,
dignified matter, so that they're not worried and they're not
scared?
And that they know. I mean, for those of you who do want to know,
you know, in terms of cooking, I'm sure you want to send your wives,
your your daughters, and your son's out there, and them to be
able to cook for their spouses. I will, you know, I've got I've had
my first boy Alhamdulillah, right, five years ago, my little Adam
Masha Allah and you don't think I'm going to teach him how to cook
and present that food beautifully for his wife in sha Allah, and his
children and his mother in law.
We have to do this as parents, and again, for ourselves. Okay, this
is not about you. Just it's becoming a chore and a duty just
laying there. And you're just connecting the pot. No way. This
is a gift. utilize it, enjoy it, it's a treasure. It's wonderful.
If you know what you're doing. It's really it's, it's something
that is, like I said, No chocolate, no, going out shopping
and buying all these handbags and whatnot. And no real holiday can
do what this can do.
And you can do it free and easily. Alhamdulillah Okay, so, let's pay
more attention to love and intimacy in sha Allah. Okay, let's
get our next generation prepared. Let's help them and prevent them.
Please, mothers out there. Please fathers out there. Please young
people themselves. Stop blocking yourself from completing half your
deen. I went to a wedding recently. And I'm so sad. You know
that, that this beautiful boy who wanted to, you know, get married
for so long, wasn't supported by his family. Why not? Subhanallah
stop for a lot. We need to encourage marriage, especially
with our young people, boys and girls out there. You need to not
be too picky by the ways. It's ridiculous. Don't again, stop
yourself from getting this agile, this reward? Okay, go out there
get married, okay, learn to grow with someone. Learn to you know,
and it's not like I said, it's not going to be this Disney and
Perfect, okay, it's not going to be like that you need to work at
it. We all need to work at things we are in this culture of just
thinking that everything is obtainable. And it's an instant
gratification. You need to work. You need to, you know, nurture
things, just like how we put that seed into the earth. Do we expect
it to blossom and bear fruit straightaway? Of course we don't.
That's not the way that Allah made it. Do we when we are pregnant and
we are having babies? Do we expect that baby to just pop out in 24
hours of course not. Allow nurtures that for nine months,
trees take sometimes years, okay? We need to nurture things and
allow the mistakes and the pain and hardship because they through
the struggles is where we get the reward through our patients
through our
perseverance. So keep your intentions pure. And for the sake
of Allah and enjoy this gift that he gives us of intimacy in sha
Allah, please feel free to pre order the book. Because I have so
many things that I want to share with you in sha Allah so many
things that I want to share with you because this is going to be
one of my missions is to help our community stay away from the Haram
and keep them to get the keep couples and families together
because that's what makes our community strong. In short, I love
it isn't the last
name or do we have time if you're still on Do we have time for any
questions?
We may have time but I don't know whether we have any questions so
let's see if we do have any questions VIPs please do fastest
fingers get their questions answered just like lokalen
sustained isa so much appreciation for you every time you come on the
channel Masha Allah and just you know your your passion for this.
No pun intended, really shines through Masha Allah to Allah,
Allah. So please guys do post your questions in the chat or in the
comments. I'm keeping a look. I'm keeping an eye on both of them.
The link, have put it in the comments and I'm putting it again.
So in Sharla, it's www dot and he says secrets.com There's a n i s a
s secrets.com. As soon as you go on to the homepage, you'll see it
there. So mashallah honey says that she's just pre ordered your
book and hamdulillah so I'm sure I will put this in the description
as well in Sharla. So people can go ahead and do that. But let me
know if you have any questions, guys. Otherwise, we are going to
let SR any set go It's getting late. We've been on streaming for
10 hours. Over 10 hours. We've done Yeah, almost 12 hours of
streaming today 10 hours nonstop. Or 10 and a half really nonstop
and then we did an hour before that in the morning. hamdulillah
so it's been a day and a half. But hamdulillah I'm getting a lot of
blood. I mean
this is this is what we do, masha Allah so I tell you what we're
going to do. Because it has been a long day, guys, this is what you
need to do. Someone says how do I tell my parents to order this book
for me?
I don't know what you're gonna say that. Okay, anyway, the book
looked very innocent Jani who they probably wouldn't even flip
through and try and wonder wonder what it is anyway. So sis, we've
got your website Yeah. And mashallah we will be pushing
people to will email it to the list as well. And I guess people
can reach you through the website and also on Instagram under an ISA
secrets, which is the the channel right? Yes, I am just starting to
build it. So again, I will be sharing lots of beautiful tips in
Charlotte. But just for those who note, I will be doing it in the
most dignified manner in Sharla. So you don't need to worry, you
know, we're not here to you know, expose things or to make things
look a bit crazy. So it is parent friendly, you know, won't be child
friendly, of course. But you know, you don't have to worry about
Oh, the irony of your parents feeling embarrassed by your book.
This is not lost on me. But since we know that you always approached
us with much delicacy mashallah and good Adam. So alhamdulillah
sis, may Allah bless you and your family and your work. I'm sure
everybody's going to go on from here straight Instagram guys, go
look up any secrets and subscribe to her channel, her channel to her
her page, Instagram and make sure that you preorder the book as
well. And we will see you guys in sha Allah bright and early
tomorrow. I do believe we start at 9am UK time. So our first talk
tomorrow is going to be let me tell you
it's 2023 tomorrow and we're going to kick off the new year the
Gregorian New Year at 9am. UK time and its sister Khadija Ecuador
talking about getting blended families right? Mashallah. So, you
want to definitely attend for that one inshallah. So, sis is o'clock
here and have a fantastic evening. And we will see you next time you
join us here on the platform in sha Allah. So I want
Medicare to have
Okay, guys, that is it, because I come a lot cooler. Hey, thank you
so much, especially those of you who have been here all day. I was
saying in YouTube that this reminds me of the old school
conferences, those old days that you would go to and there's talks
literally back to back all day long from the beginning of the
day, all the way to the Knights of Hanalei in Tunisia. So we've done
that today, we're doing something similar tomorrow. Okay, so I'll
give you a
bit of a heads up about what's on the program tomorrow. First, so
tomorrow we're dealing with some of the more challenging topics.
Okay. Getting blended families, right is the first talk. The next
talk is how to make your second marriage better than your first
which is super apt. I think we have a bit of a break a couple of
hours break and then we'll come back with healing from a traumatic
marriage. And then after that, it's sister Farah talking on does
infertility have to mean divorce so if you know anybody who is
struggling with infertility right now, please do let them know about
that and encourage them to watch then we've got a couple of hours
break mashallah, so tomorrow is a bit a bit more Yanni. A bit karma.
Sister Nyima, the one who spoke on the panel today her talk is
entitled Don't push him away, sis. So that's especially for our wives
out there. Then we have a short presentation from Brother Where
eel Ibrahim on how to tell if your spouse is addicted to you know
what?
And then recently in a while, we'll be talking about how to
avoid divorce. And then after that, there'll be a presentation
by sister Hallie Banani on how to cope with infidelity. And then a
channel favorite I mean, a Jane O'Rourke I think you guys know
her. She is going to be talking about intimacy, the secret
ingredient to a happy and healthy marriage. So I don't think you
want to miss those insha Allah have a fantastic evening, rest of
day, whatever it is, and I'll see you guys in 2023 Inshallah, okay?
To cycle Okay, and I was salam aleikum wa rahmatullahi wa
barakaatuh Subhanak Allahumma Robina behind the eyeshadow on La
ilaha illa. And what's the Fluka one or two