Naima B. Robert – A thug in a thobe
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You know, I think
because I started talking to some other, you
know, some other young women about it, And
they were like, you know, auntie, the the
problem is that we don't I don't think
that I can find someone who fits my
physical ideal,
but who also has the spiritual grounding that
I need. I said, oh, sis, you want
a thug in a soap.
That's bizarre now. This is it. He started
laughing. I said, but it's true. Right? I
said, you want a brother with some some
swag who can wear a thobe with some
tent. Oh, no. Like his Oh, no. He
would have slipped in. I feel sorry for
the brother. You know, he's got he's got
a little swag. And I'm and I'm like,
you can have that. Right? You can have
that, but you have to be honest with
yourself that that's what you want. You have
to be honest with yourself that you want
some someone who looks a certain way, and
has a certain level of like, you know,
comportment, how he carries himself, who's also finesse,
who's also spiritual. You have to think about
what comes with that. Right? What comes with
someone who who acts like that, but also
don't be afraid. You know,
is it is it the looks that you
want or is it that presence that you
want? I really I really and this is
why I push people. I push people to
to challenge where's your where's your,
desire coming from. Right? Is this desire chosen
for you? Do you really want a thug
in a thobe, or is that what society
tells you that you want? Is that what
society tells you is sexy? Because we talked
about women and sexiness. When they talk about
men and sexiness, right? Well I don't want
I don't want a cornball dude.
Oh, auntie, I don't want a cornball dude.
I said, well, what's a cornball dude? You
know, I don't want no quiet, nerdy kinda
dude. I said, girl, those are the freaky
ones. She said, oh, Oxy, you can't say
that. I said, but I can.
I said, but I can't. Because I've I've
lived long enough to know, and men talk
to me. Men are comfortable sharing and talking
to me. I said men put up a
performance just like women put up a a
performance.
So that man that you think has that
swag and has that, you know, he's super
cool, he could be extremely self conscious.
He could have very low self esteem. That
quiet brother,
very performative. That quiet brother who is very
studious. He's handsome like you and I've had
sisters say, you know, there was a couple,
they they wound up getting married and she
said, you know auntie, if we hadn't talked
to you I never would have married him
because he wasn't my type. See He looked,
she said he's handsome, but he wasn't my
type. He was too quiet, he was too
this is, he's too that. I said, so
how is he now? She's like, well, you
know,
he he defied my expectations.
But but this is this is because
our desires that we think come from us,
a lot of times these are scripted. It's
part of the programming. Isn't it? 100%.
I am with you 100%.
Definitely. I think and this is a reminder,
really, to all, especially the younger sisters out
there, brothers too, if this is you. But
just do be careful
of that type
and that list of like you said, you
want the thug on one side, and he
needs to be half of the Quran, so
I have to have both.
Just be careful. I think, you know,
I had this, this kind of revelation
when I thought to myself, if I was
somebody coming up in today's times, because I
got married at 22 a long time ago,
alhamdulillah,
and my my husband was introduced to me
by a mutual friend at university
and we spoke on the phone initially, and
we hit it off right away. And I
knew I wanted to get married, and I'd
already had a few meetings with some brothers
who did not quite fit the bill. So
when I spoke to him, I was already
like, oh, wow. You know, we got along
really well.
And then we had the meeting at the
Masjid,
and I saw him, and he smiled,
and immediately,
my heart became,
like, calm. Because up until that point, I'd
been, like, worried, like, what if I see
him and he's butters? You know? What if
I, you know, what if I see him?
But it's, you know, it's like and he
just does not fit the bill, blah blah
blah. I didn't have a type in my
head, but, obviously, you know, I'd come from
Jahiliya, so there was that. But I saw
him and he smiled, and immediately I had
this kind of sense of calm.
When we sat down to talk,
it went really well. And so I used
to tell this story where
we we parted ways,
and he went his way, and I went
my way. Then, when he rang
afterwards,
I said,
I said something like,
it went really well, didn't it? Like,
basically, like, we're doing this.
He was like,
okay. And I was like, yeah. You know
you like me. Like, come on. Like, this
is this is this is a thing.
But my point is,
if I was coming up in today's
society, if it was on a dating app,
for example,
or a matrimonial app,
or I just had all the programming that
we have now,
I think I would have swiped left on
him because, again, he wasn't the type. He
wasn't 6 foot, certainly not 6 foot 2
or anything like that. You know? He, you
know, he just he didn't fit that frame.
He certainly wasn't a thug in a soap
or anything like that. But when I look
at it, I think,
imagine if I had if I had been
in a situation where I had swipe left
on him. Everything that happened afterwards, none of
it would have happened. The 15 years of
marriage, the 5 children, the amazing times. Like,
none of that would have happened if I
had judged him according to a an ideal
type that I had in my head. And
I think I just share this, guys, as
a reminder, really, for everybody to understand that,
like you said, that type in your head,
that ideal,
is is is not just something that's innate.
It's not something that's coming only from within
you. It's
a culmination of things, of the programming, of
what you've read, of what other people think,
and all of these other things. So I
guess what I'm saying is, like, don't hold
on to it too tightly because you could
miss out on a really, really good thing.
You really can. And and, you know, and
I know brothers who are like that thug
and a soul kind of
ideal, and it's it's it's performance. They're very,
you know, they they put on this performance
to to have a certain level of cool
that they don't really have, and other men
can pick it out. Other men, you know,
can say no, he's not really who you
think he is. And I think that that's
why we also have to give each other
grace.
Mhmm. We have to give each other grace,
and we really have to go in,
when it comes to seeking out partners,
as a community, not just as a single
person. I always tell women, have your homegirls
met them?
Have you introduced them to your cousin? You
know, your male cousin, the one who's a
little crazy. Introduce him to him and see
what he says. Right? You know, for brothers
too, have has has she met your sisters?
You know, have has has she come around
your mom? Because you have on one side,
you have this, you know, brother who's, like,
you know, out there just very swagged out,
whatever. And then you have on the sister's
side, you have the IG model and a
hijab kinda sister. Right? You know, and she's
she's all of these things, also suffering from
a lot of self esteem, but she has
brothers all in her DMs and things like
that. 100%.
You know, give each other grace, but also
also approach
approach the marriage process not from one extreme
or the other. So it's not just the
studious, pious brother or sister. And it's not
just the one who feel fulfills all of
my, you know, social media led, you know,
desirability
characteristics.
How can I find someone who's gonna make
my heart smile when they smile at me?
Mhmm. Because I felt the same way when
I first met my husband. I'm 5 11
child of my husband. He's 58.
He he 58 on his tall days, but
I think he might be 57.
You know, that's what he's saying. He's saying
58, but
we've been married for 17 years. You know?
And I I would have in if I
were 23, I wouldn't have talked to him.
Mhmm. Because I wouldn't have been smart enough
to say this person could be my destiny.
So that's that's another thing. And when I
looked at him, I had to think about
too, this is a good brother, but also,
do I have a level of
desire to want to know more from a
carnal level? And that's okay.
Yeah. That's okay. I think that's okay. And
there's a halal way to do it. I
think that's what what scares people. They're worried
that Yeah. I think what I really liked
in in those questions that you asked yourself
was, like, the curiosity element.
Because I think a lot of people nowadays,
we do we we we discount people right
off the bat. You didn't tick this box.
That's it. I don't wanna know anymore. Right?
I'm not interested because you're not this. You
don't that. You don't have this. You don't
have that. You don't have this. And I
think if you if you have, like you
said, an inkling you know?
Firstly, Aslan, it's a good person. Okay? There's
there's there's a good person there that's come
to you. But you have an inkling of,
like you said, something that is you wanna
know more about. Right?
Maybe allowing yourself to be curious enough to
not make prejudgments,
to not assume that he's not a fit
because, well, he doesn't have this and because
he doesn't have that and, well and when
I asked him this question, he gave the
wrong answer, so it's not a fit. But,
anyway,
may Allah help us all
through this process.
I always I always tell sisters, like, sis,
you know, you might be blocking your blessing
from Allah
because he's not the right height,
because he's not the right complexion,
because his hair is not right because his
beard doesn't connect. You know, sometimes brothers, the
beard, it looks like, you know how ground
beef when you make ground beef African brothers,
In Southern Africa, all the men have got
the little
They got the little too. And then, you
know, it here is good. Like, from the
chin, they're good. But it's just the it's
the it's up here. And I'm like, sis,
just look past that. Because people look at
my husband, they're like, oh,
you know, brother Mohammed is this and he's
that. I'm like, but this this takes time.
You're you're seeing me and him after 17
years. You should have seen us at 17
months. At 17 days. At a year and
7 months, it doesn't look like this. And
that's I think the level of permanence of
commitment is something that we're also afraid of
too. Yep. 100 We're afraid of because we
you know, as Muslims even we we don't
have a problem getting married, but sometimes we
have a problem staying in marriages. That's what's
happening. That's what's