Nadim Bashir – Family Issues #09 – Does the wife need permission

			Today inshallah we're gonna cover a question, I want to go through a question or issue that does
happen in many times in many families. And once again, you might think that Subhanallah, we're 1400
years later, from the time the Prophet SAW Salem, and we still have this issue, unfortunately,
within our families, first of all, is that I've talked about this before that when it comes to our
young men and our young women, prior to marriage, it is very important that we put in some certain
restrictions, and create some discipline within their life. And the reason I say that is because
often we find a lot of times women coming forward and complaining, our husbands are never at home.
		

			Now I understand if they're out working, and so forth. Totally legit nothing wrong with that. But
often we find younger women complaining that their husbands are never home. Why? Because their
husbands had a very freedom type of lifestyle, prior to getting married, they always were out, they
go wherever they want, they come wherever they want, the parents had absolutely no restrictions on
them. And that affected their marriage. Same thing happened today with women also that many parents
in the in the name of love, in the name of certain level of freedom. They give unlimited, unlimited
amount of freedom to their daughters, that the daughters come whenever they want, they go whenever
		

			they want. And this also has an effect on their marriage. Because when they get married, their
husbands are complaining that our wives are never home, they're always outside. So hence, what
happens is that then the question comes up is that after marriage, that are women, are women allowed
to leave the house without the husband's permission or not. And this becomes a very serious issue in
many cases. And once again, what we have to understand is that before we understand, before we
tackle this problem, in this question, I will say, we have to understand that Allah subhana wa Taala
has put men in a certain level of responsibility in a position of responsibility. And this starts
		

			off when the man when he says, at the time of the act, Donica, at the time that Nikka, or at the
time of the Catholic kitab. When the man says I accept when the father is giving his daughter's hand
in marriage, to the groom, to the man. And when he says I accept, he's not only accepting the fact
that now this woman is my wife, but the man is accepting the fact that going forward in order to
look after her in order for I mean, when it comes to her protection, and so forth, and now becomes
my responsibility as a man. And when you talk about authority, and when you talk about
responsibility, then there has to be a certain level of restrictions and rules that you have to put
		

			in place. When it comes to think about a child. When a child goes to a classroom. There's someone
who's in charge, right? There's someone who's in charge, can they leave the classroom and go out and
come into the classroom whenever they want? No, it comes with certain rules in place. Likewise, even
when you talk about adults, when adults go to work, can I can adults leave work wherever they want?
No, even if you leave work, you don't have to, necessarily, per se take permission. But the fact
that you clock in and clock out, the system in itself tells you what that there's a certain level of
discipline that is applied everywhere in every single sector of life. That's how it works.
		

			Unfortunately, today, what's happening is many people, especially when it comes to the Sisters of
our community, they think that this taking permission means that I am somehow inferior to men. And
this is what the feminist movement is putting in the minds of so many of our young women, that the
fact that you have to take permission shows that you are inferior to men. And that was never the
case. This has been a universal law for so many centuries, for so many centuries. And now people
feel like that this is a very big issue. So once again, Allah subhanho wa Taala has put men in a
position of responsibility and a position that he has to protect his family And subhanAllah Allah
		

			subhanho wa Taala has put this natural instinct within a man, he has put this within a husband, that
he feels that neither I have to protect my family. And by the way, you'll find women, a lot of
times, women when they don't have enough confidence in their in their husbands. One of the key
reasons is that they feel like that my husband cannot protect me. This is one of the key things. If
you sit down with women and you ask them, why don't you have confidence in your husband? Why don't
you look up to your husband, why don't you have respect for your husband? A lot of times they will
feel like that because we don't feel protected under his guardianship. So this is something that we
		

			have to understand now. When Allah subhanho wa Taala has put men in that position. Then of course, a
woman has now Allah subhanho wa Taala says he has put in that position. There is certainly a certain
level of respect that he demands and a certain level of respect that he deserves.
		

			herbs. And in the name of that respect, that is where a husband can put down certain rules and
regulations inside of house. There's nothing wrong with that. Now, every single family functions
differently, every single person functions differently. And every single husband functions
differently. That means that within a family within a family, which happens in many cases, the
husband says, I have no problem. You go out whatever you want, you come out, you come, you go from
home, wherever you want, you come back home, whatever you want, because I understand you're taking
care of responsibilities, some many cases, in many cases, the woman is responsible for taking care,
		

			taking the kids to school, picking them up from school, and so forth. She has many other
responsibilities in terms of groceries and so forth. So the husband has given that kind of leeway,
that kind of freedom and liberty that you can go wherever you want, and do as you wish. At the same
time, it comes down to the understanding of the family, and that is called respecting the husband.
Yes. And, and the woman has to respect the husband in this place. However, the question does come
up, that when it comes to going her going and visiting her family, does she need does she should she
first of all be allowed to go and visit her family? Absolutely. A man should never stop his family
		

			stop his wife from going and visiting her family. Of course, there are limitations. I'm going to
mention that next. But he should not stop them from going to the family. The next thing is that
issue required to take permission and what if now, a lot of times, husbands, they misuse this kind
of authority, that I'm the one who's in charge, I can tell you whenever you want to you can go
whenever you want, and so forth. And so Hala, there are cases I have heard, where men unfortunately
are imprisoning their wives at home. And this is wrong. This is not something that we have found
from the Sunnah. And from the Sunnah of Rasulullah saw salaam, yes, a man has been given a certain
		

			level of authority, but authority is not to be abused, it should be used correctly. So that is why
in that case, what if a man says absolutely not, he began to do volume on his wife, that is where
there's an extra love amongst the orlimar. The Ohana and the Maliki they say that in that situation
when volume starts to take place, then in that case, a woman is allowed to leave without her to go
to her family's house without his permission. And the show after and the Hannah Biller, they say
that there aren't she's not allowed, she's not allowed to go at all under all circumstances. And
they take the lead from the story of I instead of the Allahu Taala on her in the story of if, when
		

			she was extremely sick because of all the rumors that have spread in Medina about her before her
going to her home. She asked for us to last so long while he was sending him that if it's okay with
you, I would like to go home and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he said yes, now, of course
the Ohana and the the amalickiah. They give their delete based on many other incidents. For example,
one time Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is in the graveyard. He's in genital bacteria. And I
saw the Allah on how she leaves the house. The problem is Sam does not is not there. She's not
taking permission to leave the house. But she leaves the house lert searching for Rasulullah
		

			sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and then she found him in general appear. And so there's so many other
incidents like this, that the the the Ohana and the Maliki sa there is absolutely permissible. But
once again, it has to be once again, it's case by case when you try to understand these kinds of
situations. Now, are there some certain situations that where the husband can put down his foot and
put down his you know, he lays down his, you know, authority and says he cannot completely stop her.
But he can say that I don't want you to go out? Or there are some certain circumstances like this?
And the answer is yes. There are some circumstances, some situations, first of all, is that for
		

			example, if the Friends of the wife are involved in Haram, if they're friends, like I've I've heard
cases where women are going out meeting with their other friends, but they're going for gambling,
okay, all the gambling is completely prohibited. It's not permissible at all under any
circumstances, and so forth. So once again, when they're going and coming in hot on like this, that
you can tell your wife, a man is allowed to tell his wife that I don't want you to go and be with
these kinds of friends go into some other friends. There's nothing wrong with that. Also, there are
some cases where women are going out. And the friends that they have are not friends that are always
		

			good advisors, I would say. In fact, today Subhanallah unfortunately, you find many cases, I've come
across cases like this also, where women are going out but they're being coached. They're being
coached that this is the best way to become
		

			which give your husband a divorce, Do this, do that say this, say that and take half of everything
that he has. And you are, you know, you have complete freedom in life. This is something also that
if you find that your wife, if a man finds out that his wife is going and being around these kinds
of women, that is not good, there's no, you know, subhanAllah these kinds of people that do exist in
our society, there are many cases like this SubhanAllah. And this is part of the attache fun, this
is what shaytaan does as it is, he divides and he breaks up families. And today, he Subhanallah you
find many people like this in our society, in our community, who are in the business of breaking up
		

			families and coaching each other SubhanAllah. You know, this is what's happening today. They are
coaching, women are coaching other women, this is how you become rich overnight, and so forth.
Subhanallah this is happening in our communities. Next is when if there's a consistent practice,
that the woman is not fulfilling her domestic responsibilities inside the house, I've talked about
this before many women Subhanallah they have this mashallah this good intention, they want to go
out, they want to do charitable work, and so forth. And they want to go out and help everyone in the
entire dunya. But the entire family is being neglected. In that case, you cannot neglect the family,
		

			while doing all the good work outside. First comes the house, first comes your family, then comes
everyone else. So a husband can tell his wife that I don't want you to go out if she has a
consistent practice of neglecting her household responsibilities. Number four is if it becomes
excessive, excessive to the point that she's never at home, then the husband and that situation can
exercise some kind of authority of that time. Number five, when it comes to visiting in laws, and
create visiting in laws, as I said earlier, you should never stop your wife going and visiting her
family, the only situation you would stop them is if it would create conflicts after conflicts.
		

			There was unfortunately, a case I had to deal with I had to deal with and it ended up in a divorce.
Why did it end up in a divorce is because every single time the woman went home to her family, she
was being coached over and over again, this is what you do when you go back home, you say this, you
say that she was given like a script, okay. She was given a script, you know, movie people or people
who work in Hollywood and, and so forth. They're given a script when it comes to movie script, she
was given a script, when your husband says this, this is the response. When your husband says this,
this is their response. And by the way, unfortunately, many of this is happening within our men
		

			also, sometimes I've heard cases, men go into their families, and they're being coached. And I've
talked about this before, men become men, you don't have to be coached by other people in your
family as to what to do, what not to say, and what to say, and so forth. When a man is a man, you
don't need to be coached in that sense. Next is that when she dresses provocatively, and she goes
out like this over and over again. In that case, a man can exercise some kind of authority on his
wife and say, I don't want you to, I don't want you to go out. Now usually, I'll be honest with you.
Usually, when these kinds of situations happen. These were these are times where serious conflicts
		

			can happen. And then at that time, sometimes these end up in divorce, and sometimes they end up in a
mutual understanding and they come to a compromise. Finally, when it comes to in laws coming to your
home, as a man you know that your in laws or come into your home? Is a man allowed to nick or is he
allowed to prevent his inlaws from coming to his home? And the answer is no, you should not. And
this is not something that we find from the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam either.
A lot of times I've heard cases where men are extremely vulgar, extremely disrespectful to their in
laws and this is this is not permissible. This is not found anywhere in our deen you don't get you
		

			don't show yourself as a man when you disrespect other people. You want to respect as a man you show
respect to other people. So that is why it is not right for a man to say that I'm not going to allow
my inlaws to come and visit and even if they in was do come and visit then a lot of times they want
nothing to do with their in laws. This is not right. You should allow your in laws to come and you
should show them respect because the problems are Salem when he was himself the Son in law to who
alberca the Allah one he was the son in law to Omaha Radi Allahu Allah at the end of the day, how
did he show respect to them he showed immense amount of respect for them. So that is why we should
		

			always show respect to our in laws. If our in laws want to come we should allow them to come.
However, in one case, I can say that where a man can say I don't want my in laws to come and that is
when the in laws come and they cause immense amount of conflict within the family. They come and
they cause conflict within the family.
		

			He, in that case, you can, you can say no. And by the way, there's one extreme case also, that I've
come across before. And that is that there are times SubhanAllah. You might think that this is
bizarre, but this is happening, unfortunately, that in laws are coming, and they leave things behind
in the house of salad.
		

			You'd be shocked Wallahi cases after cases I've dealt with on this, that where people are coming
after they leave, they, you know, there's always these, you know, subhanAllah strange things are
happening inside the house. And when they found out they found certain things inside the house, and
who have left them there who has come inside their house, and perhaps left things in set in such
certain strange places around the house, it could only be the in laws in many cases, and
Subhanallah, if a person finds out that this is what either his parents, even if a man finds out
that his parents are doing it, and there are cases like that also, where a husband's parents aren't
		

			coming. And they're doing these kinds of things at the house, or the in laws are coming and they're
doing it inside the house. And that case, you can ban anyone, as a man, you can say I don't want
anyone to come inside my house, that's absolutely fine. So this is why it's something very important
to, to understand. And finally is when it comes to a father. Now imagine a father has given away
their daughter in marriage. Often what we're seeing is nowadays, especially because of the whole
rise of feminism, so forth, that you find a lot of fathers who tell their wives I mean, who told
their daughters, now there's someone else's wives, that you don't need permission from your husband,
		

			we're going for a family trip, you just come with us. You don't have to tell your husband, you have
to you can just come and the answer is no. And that situation now that she's a wife, she has to once
again every family is different, she can sometimes just informed the husband. And this happens in
many cases, in many families, you can simply inform the husband but you have to respect the wishes
of the husband, you cannot just leave the house. A woman is not just allowed to leave the house
because now her father said that my father said just come and I have to listen to my father know
your father gave you in marriage to someone. Now you have to respect their their boundaries and
		

			respect their home and their rules. So this is something that a woman has to always always keep in
mind regarding these kinds of things. So I asked Allah subhanho wa Taala to bring peace to our
families. May Allah subhanaw taala help us establish a balance in our families. Ask Allah subhana wa
to protect our families from the outside fitness. I mean no but I mean what does that come Allah Hi
Assalamu alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh
		

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			what and gentlemen nauseam