Nadim Bashir – 6 Rules Of Communication In AFamily

			So part of the series I've been doing on Saturday mornings, I had a brother who came to me and he
said that if you can probably talk about communication, and how husband or wife, we need to talk to
each other, and I thought that I had to cover this. But somehow, when I was going through my notes,
I realized I had not covered this, though I had covered it in some points here and there. But I want
to dedicate a entire talk or entire morning talk on the subject of communication. And especially
when it comes to a husband and wife how they should be talking to each other, first of all, is that
communication is always very, very important. And what I've seen from my own personal observations,
		

			is that when there is unhealthy communication between a husband and wife, that is where the problems
begin, because you have a husband and wife are living under the same roof, but they can talk to each
other, and you're going to be spending majority of the time with each other, then there is no way
that relationship can flourish down the road, a husband will go, often what we see is husband will
go to work probably eight, nine hours a day, but then he has to come back home, the wife is without
the husband for eight and for those eight, nine hours. So she's taking care of all her
responsibilities, her domestic responsibilities, but when the husband and wife they do come back
		

			home, they have to face each other, they have to talk to each other. But if they don't know how to
communicate with each other, then that is where the problems will begin. So there are so today
Inshallah, in this brief talk, I want to share with you six important rules, six important rules
that we need to keep in mind, when it comes to talking to each other. The very first thing is that
when it comes to communication, there is a term called a non subjects. This non subject term means
that there are some discussions and some topics that are considered as off limits. Like there are
some discussions that a husband and wife have told each other, that we're not having this discussion
		

			period. I don't care what it is, we're not having this discussion at all, don't talk about anything
else you want. But this topic is off limits. Now, when we talk about this, this idea of non
subjects, there's a way to handle that. So we're talking about there, we're talking about topics
that are sometimes really shouldn't remain just non subjects. These are topics that will create
fights between a husband and wife, that will create arguments between a husband and wife. And often
there are subjects and topics that cannot be reconciled or something that may have happened in the
past that it cannot be revisited or there is no recourse to this. For example, when there is some
		

			ill behavior from one person or from the in laws towards one spouse, sometimes it is the wife's
parents who have mistreated the husband or not shown him enough respect or sometimes it is the
parents of the husband, who have not shown respect and love to to their daughter in law. Now, when
these kinds of topics for example, come up, there may have been a situation there may have been an
event that happened in the past and husband and wife whenever they talk to each other and this
subject matter comes up, then they always are fighting with each other, your parents did something
to me in the past. Now, if something has happened once again the past it cannot be undone, it has
		

			already happened. So that is why there are some things that yes, you can treat as non subjects. But
there are some other things that should not be treated as non subjects. For example, when it comes
to something related to the husband, something related to the wife. And sometimes you know, people
are trying to hide from each other, especially when it comes to men. See the way as men how they
handle issues is very different than how women handle issues. When it comes to men. Men don't like
to discuss their problems publicly. If they have a problem going on with their marriage, for
example. They don't like going and discussing with others they may discuss with their friends, but
		

			usually they will probably sit down by themselves and they'll try to process it. Men on one hand,
they try to stay away even if they cry. Even if a man he becomes emotional. He makes sure that he's
not emotional in front of others. He's emotional, probably in his car. He's probably emotional, you
know, in his room all by himself. They make sure that they are not emotional in front of others. So
the wait a man has been created by Allah subhanho wa Taala is in a way where they handle tragedy
where the handle problems, depression, anxiety in a particular way. And women they handle these
things in a very particular way. There are times where a man is going through a struggle in life,
		

			but he really but he feels that I don't want to share this with my wife. This is considered as a non
		

			subject. Now, if there is a discussion or a topic that a man feels, or a woman feels, I don't want
to share with my spouse, because I don't want them to know what I'm going through. But it can affect
your marriage down the road, that you need to discuss that. For example, when a man is going through
struggles at work, he sees his signs on the wall, he's being already told, given hints at work. And
especially, you know, when you're talking about corporate America, and when you talk about bigger,
you know, when people work in companies and so forth, they don't come and fire you on the spot, they
will come and they will drop hints, you will see things happening in the company, and so forth. And
		

			you realize that you know what, sooner or later, my turn is about to come. And you're going through
this anxiety as a man because you are a provider, because Allah has created men, as you know, as
providers, we care for our families. Now, a lot of times the men will feel, I don't want to go and
talk to my spouse about this or talk to my wife about this, because I don't want her to become
overly concerned about it, not realizing that sitting down and harboring these kinds of thoughts and
ideas in our mind and our heart, and not sharing it with others may be actually more detrimental. So
that is why we have to really gauge there are some topics that we should share with each other. And
		

			there are some topics once again, if they're about the past, and it cannot be undone mean, I mean,
they cannot be undone, then in that situation, they can remain as non subjects. But that is why it's
very important that we always share with each other with husband and wife, there is no need to
share. If you have committed a sin, for example, you don't need to share that a person who has
committed a sin that's between you and Allah subhana with the IRA. But remember, there could be also
ramifications and consequences to that also, you know, point is of this number one of this point
number one is,
		

			you have to be very careful in what you share what you don't share. But always remember that if you
share there are some things that if you share, it may actually help your marriage down the road.
Number two is timing is everything. What does that mean? Timing is everything. First of all, is what
to discuss when to discuss is something very important. You have to take time out every single day
to talk to your wife, to talk to your husband, it's something that is very common, it's needed. And
you cannot take that time of the day when things are busy. You cannot sit there and talk to your
spouse or talk to your wife. When in the morning. For example, when everyone everything is chaotic
		

			inside the house, especially when you have younger children. You're trying to get to lunchboxes
you're trying to get them into the car, you don't you want to make sure they don't get targeting and
so forth. And at that time you feel like you know what, there is a particular issue, I want to talk
to my wife about that particular issue at that particular time. You're choosing the right time,
buddy. Simple as that. So that's why you have to find the right time. When it came to the swasta
Allahu alayhi wa sallam, there was a time of day where he would sit down with his wife, and he would
talk to her and what time was that of the day, it was usually the latter part of the day. So in the
		

			morning, if you say the 24 hour life of the prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, we learned that
every single point of the day he had something to do so after fajr, for example, you will sit with
the Sahaba of the Allahu unknown. What did you see the anyone see a dream anything of that type. If
he saw a dream, he would always explain it and so forth, then usually he would go he would go home,
and he would you spend a little time at home. But at that time, he's trying to take care of his
errands. He's trying to take care of his responsibilities. After that, during the daytime, he was
there for his community. And for sort of the heart, he would entertain the emissaries, even during
		

			the midday time he will take a nap. But after lunch, he would entertain the guests who would come
from out of town because they always wanted to come and visit us on Sunday. So he would then
entertain them at first at the bar. After our son he will go and visit all his wives. After Monday,
he will sit down with that wife whose night and whose turn it was and he will talk to them and so
forth and spending quality time with them. And then after Isha he would generally go to sleep, he
will not stay up after shot for long. The point is that he would he had a dedicated time of the day
where he was spend quality time with his wife. Now, if that means that you spend that time of the
		

			day with your wife, or with your spouse, at the end of the day when the kids are asleep and
everything has sort of calmed down. My recommendation is that will be the best time. But once again,
you know each other fix a time of the day where you can talk to each other. How was your day? How
was my day? What's going on with the kids? What's tomorrow? What's the plan and what's the schedule
for tomorrow. A husband and wife should always be in sync with each other
		

			Number three, I've said this before, I'm going to say this again, I'm not going to elaborate on this
point too much. If there's something that you're expecting from your spouse or your from your
significant other, do not expect them to read your mind. express it. You know what Allah he you know
how many times I've come across this? Where people are telling each other, you should know what's in
my mind, you should be able to read what's in my mind? How I mean, it's not possible, how can you
how can you know, especially this is, this is something you find many times from women, okay? They
told their husbands, you should know what's in my mind.
		

			There's no way I can read your mind, okay? If there's anything that is in your heart, or there's
something that you're expecting from your spouse, you have to clearly express it. And that goes for
both husband and wife express to each other, tell each other when you sit down. As I said earlier,
in point number two, when you sit down and talk to each other, discuss these kinds of things that
look, this is what I expect. And she can say, this is what I expected and so forth. But you have to
express things clearly mentioned them, do not expect anyone to be a mind reader in the family.
Number four,
		

			it is very important that when we talk to each other, we give the chance to the other to express
themselves. I had a husband or wife who came to my office. And it was a long story, I'm not gonna
share the entire story with you. But the point is that I realized after a while, that whenever the
PERT, whenever one would talk, the other one will interrupt them, you have to let people talk, you
have to let them get through their concerns. And that also means that you have to get to the point
also. So there are some people whenever they're talking to each other, they're giving a lecture,
okay? They're giving a full lecture in Alhamdulillah. No, but the point is that it's a full lecture,
		

			okay. And so usually, by the time they get to the end of their lecture or their talk, then the
husband and wife are already sorry, you know, they're already emotionally disconnected. So that is
why it's important that when we talk to each other, let the other get through their point. But it
also means that the person who's making the point, they have to get through the point quickly and do
not take too much time. What this does is that it actually helps you understand the other person,
but if a person have a husband and wife, they always interrupt the other. When they're talking and
they're discussing things, then we'll law he there is no way that that that's marriage can survive.
		

			Because in order for a marriage to survive, you have to talk to each other. But if a person is
talking and every single time they're talking, they're being interrupted, then how do they get their
point across? So that is why Subhan Allah Allah says in the Quran to wala who remember Tony Omaha,
Allah subhanho wa Taala took you out from the rooms of your mother Latta Allah Munna, che, you did
not know anything. What Your Honor, now pay attention here. Allah Subhan Allah is saying what your
Allah Allah Khan was sama will have a surah will have either Allah Subhana Allah is saying that I
have created the ears for you, I have given you the ability to see. And I've given the ability to
		

			comprehend and think. So when a person takes in information, they take in information either by
seeing something by listening to something, and Allah, Allah subhana wa Tala, he says that then when
all this information goes into the heart, based on the status of the heart, if the heart is healthy,
or the heart is corrupt, then they take that information and then they they you know, they make some
meat, they it creates a meaning out of it. But pay attention Allah subhanaw taala never used the
word he never used anything regarding the mouth. Why? Because it's important that when we talk to
each other, listening to others is something very, very important. And so that's why it's, it's I
		

			will say once again, that when when others talk, give them a chance to make their point, do not
interrupt each other than then inshallah communication will be able to be healthy within a marriage.
Rule number five.
		

			If the time ever comes that you have to, you know, correct each other or you need to accept your
fault, and you have to be willing to accept your faults. There are times when Yes, you have to
accept your faults. You cannot bring ego into the picture then, and there are times when you have to
correct someone else, and you correct them in the appropriate way. You Don't be disrespectful when
you correct others, you don't correct others. There is no you know, you don't correct others when
others are there. Even if a husband and wife need to correct each other. Do it in the most
respectful way. Don't do it where you're putting down each other and especially in front of others.
		

			So this is why it's normal. You know, number five is very important that
		

			When we correct each other, we're willing to accept the correction. If I need to apologize, I have
to apologize. But it also means that you always choose the right time to correct each other. And
lastly, which is something very important that we find from Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam
rule number six is that we have to always be very respectful. And we have to always be very
positive. So instead of saying, you know, you don't do this, you don't do this, you don't do this.
Rather, the language should be is rather do this, rather do this, always try to put a positive twist
on the sentences or the statements that we're making to our significant others. We always find those
		

			feminists Allah salAllahu alayhi wa sallam, that he would never use profanity, he would never yell
in his family and so forth, he will never raise voices in a family. So that's why it's very
important that we always if I need to discuss something with someone, yes, I get it. I'm not saying
I, you know, I don't want to be impractical here. Yes, there are times where we're going to raise
our voices. And yes, we will get upset. And if that happens, no problem move on. But we can't make
it a constant practice in our families. There are some families where there's so much yelling and
screaming going on within the household, that the kids they are raised in this way, then when they
		

			become parents, they're always yelling and screaming. So the house, on the other hand, I've seen
families where there is no yelling and screaming there is, you know, there's a very calm atmosphere
inside the house. Those kids when they when they grow up, then when they treat their children, or
when they are communicating with others, they expect others to be very calm with them. And if a
person raises their voices from them, they can't usually stand it. So that is why what we learned
from Ross wa sallam is that he was always respectful. And I've talked about this before, but I'll
say this, again, even husband and wife, when it comes to your kids in front of your kids, you should
		

			never ever disrespect each other. I've had many, I've had many men who came to me. And they have
told me that now that they have started to become singers, or starting to that, you know, they're
starting to hit their 50s and 60s and 70s. Now the wife comes in is being verbally very abusive, and
so forth. So usually in the beginning of the marriage, it was probably the husband who was being
very, very abusive, verbally abusive. And now, and then later in the marriage, the wife has
certainly become verbally abusive, and so forth. But the point is that somewhere there is a lot of
verbal abuse that is taking place. And this has an impact on the children. At the end of the day,
		

			husband and wife need to be on the same page, and they're on the same team. That means that if a
wife sees that her children are disrespecting their father, then the mother needs to step in and say
that this is unacceptable. And if the father sees that the children are stepping in, because he's
probably not, you know, there's something going on. And he sees the children disrespecting the wife
or I mean his his wife, then the father needs to step in and tell the children that this is
unacceptable. Often the reason why that the reason why children become disrespectful to their
parents, is because they see that one is being disrespectful towards the other. So it sort of gives
		

			them the green light that if my father can be verbally abusive to my mother, or my mother can be
verbally abusive to my father, than it gives me the green light I can do the same thing too. And
that is not true. So that is why even if you have to fit, you know correct each other, you do it
behind closed doors, not in front of the kids in front of the kids, husband and wife should always
talk to each other with dignity and respect and show love and affection towards each other. So these
are six things that inshallah we keep in mind I ask Allah subhanho wa Taala to bring peace and
harmony and Rama within our homes. May Allah subhanaw taala make our make our homes a place of My
		

			Word, Rama amela Alameen which is akmola Hey, Salaam Alaikum Welcome to law here but I'll catch
		

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