Muhammad West – The Etiquette of Disagreement – Episode 11

			We live in a Cheeto no GMO, no human hamdulillah herbal amino salatu salam ala Sayyidina Muhammad wa
ala alihi wa sahbihi Marine, a beloved brothers and sisters in Islam as salaam alaikum wa
rahmatullah wa barakato
		

			appraisement Allah subhanho wa Taala Allah, Allah, Allah Allah, we have a witness that none has the
right to be worshipped except Allah. We send our greetings and love and salutations to be Muhammad
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam who is pricing pure family and all those of his own mother, follow the
sun until the end of time. May Allah subhanho wa Taala bless us in this new year gulaman want to
behave 1440 Welcome to the new year, if you didn't know, we are now in Muharram. And may Allah
subhanaw taala bless us. I mean,
		

			we continue with our CDs, it tickets of disagreement part 1100 love CDs gone on for quite quite some
time. And I hope it's still enjoyable.
		

			We're talking about why marriages fail. And we're speaking last week about conflict resolution. And
I hope that Alhamdulilah but it's been something which you could find beneficial that you could use
in your life in your marriage, something that I need to, obviously something that I myself to try to
implement.
		

			You know, and we see that Alhamdulillah that if this if we can resolve our conflict, this is the
major reason why marriages fail, because no matter how great we are, how pious we are, even if you
marry you'll find even the Prophet sallallahu Sallam and his wife I shadowed the one even they there
was differences. But the way in which the problem resolved the conflict is one example that we gave
in our, you know, women around the messenger, once the processor and I shared on the other day the
disagreement on what we don't know what it is about. And I she was upset. So then abyssal said to
her, okay, would you feel happy if we bring a third party to come and mediate? And who would you be
		

			happy with? abubaker? Nobody said that. Yes. So yes, I'm happy with my dad. My dad obviously didn't
take my side. So the professor says to her, so Abu Bakar is the the professor there. And he says to
Ayesha, okay, you can go ahead and you can speak first. So she speaks and she begins to speak
loudly. You know, she raises her voice. She's emotional. And when she does that, abubaker becomes
upset with her. How dare you speak like this to the enemies of Salaam. And he gets up and he wants
to heat up. So then abbyson jumps up between eyeshadow bucket, and he says tobacco stop. I didn't
bring you for this. I didn't come Yes, you can eat soba leaves. And then the problem looks at it
		

			like and he says to her? Do you see how it protected you from him? How do you think I should have
felt after that argument then has you know is the is the best man in the world again. Right. So this
is the art of solving conflicts, the possible I'm just had this way. But of course, some couples
will never be able to solve the conflicts and will be some differences that are just beyond
reconciliation, some damage is too severe to fix. And therefore a marriage needs to come to an end.
And I will share here permits divorce divorce is one of those things which is part of our Sharia.
It's being permitted by Allah subhanho wa Taala. But of course, it's one of those things that we
		

			take very, very seriously. We take it very seriously promises three things that you take very
seriously the three most serious commitments. When you enter a marriage, you make a couple Tunica
ha, that's serious. When you make a divorce, serious, even joking counts. And when you free a slave,
if you say to the manual free contacted back, right, this is serious. So the steps in your marriage,
what is the process? People often ask me, you know, we had this big fight? Is it is it time for us
to get divorced? Right? How do I go about the process? So there's a process that you should follow?
And the Sharia advises you first try to avoid conflict from the beat from the beginning, right? So
		

			choose a compatible spouse, choose and you know, from your side, you know, this is going to lead to
conflict. So I try my best to avoid conflict. Okay, so that's the first thing. Preventive prevention
is better than a cure. Right? So we always start to prevent conflict. That's our we are proactive,
or reactive.
		

			Once these are conflict, unfortunately, we try to resolve it amongst yourselves husbands and wives,
especially new couples, don't run to your parents with the Imam every time you have a fight. Please
don't listen to me. I'm tired sometimes, you know,
		

			I don't like being a referee. Because that puts a problem in my marriage because then I have to go
home and why were you late tonight that makes my life difficult. So try to resolve it on your own.
First, it's a good learning experience. Try to resolve it on your own. Give it time, it's okay to
get upset and to get angry, to be frustrated. It's fine days weeks and go by that's fine, that's
normal. But if you find that you are not able to resolve this conflict and you're miserable, and
it's just too much unbearable, you get to the point of breaking. Now get a third party in and I
always say don't bring a family member in that because that's not an independent, get an independent
		

			third party, maybe your mom, maybe some psychologist counselor, that's the best person and they let
that person try to show you how to resolve your conflict.
		

			If after counseling and these things don't work, then you have a choice. Do I just live with us? We
agree to disagree, right? She's always going to be like this. He's always going to be like that.
He's not going to change. But I weigh the good and the bad, I'll take him with his faults. I'll take
her with a false okay. So then you agree, either agree to disagree and move forward. Or if this is
some issue that you can't live with the entire separation, temporary separation and Allah mentions
in the Quran, that if a man feels from his wife, some kind of new shoes, some kind of very, very
bad, bad ways like she was very strict to it doesn't mean she cooking is bad, or she's a bit grumpy.
		

			No, no shoes is like even might even mean she's flirtatious with other men serious stuff, then
separate from her. Like I said, Before talaq do a temporary separation. Let's see how you are
without one another because absence makes the heart grow fonder. Maybe you realize, you know, what,
we want each other so much will will make will compromise, temporary separation, if after you've
separated and you realize, you know what, life is better? being apart, I'm actually happier. My I'm
a better person of the separation, then perhaps the law is the way for you. The law is the way for
you. Is it time for divorce questions to ask yourself, and I hope none of you are at the space in
		

			your life. But if and all managers actually go to a point where you will think is this really what I
didn't sign up for this? Is this what I want. Ask yourself Firstly,
		

			in Albania, what is my near for exiting? If I want to exit this marriage? Why am I doing it? What's
the reason behind it? And ultimately, we sit? Why do we get married? The number one reason is what
not just for a nice meal, not just for companionship, not just for someone to keep us warm in the
night. Number One reason is for the sake of Allah for the sake of Allah, so you ask yourself, does
this divorce bring me closer to Allah will takes me away from Allah, that's your ultimate decision
ultimately comes down to that. So is this best for my spiritual well being, or my dunya well being
also, you know, marriage should not be a jihad. So you may say, you know what this woman with this
		

			husband is good for my hair, but terrible for my dounia every day is a jihad, right? Islam doesn't
require that of you, you know, you made it up to a Wali. She's waking you up with algae, which is
fasting and everything. But as a husband, you feeling the dunya and I can't be with us. It's also in
that your marriage is meant to be enjoyed as well. But if this person is good for your era, be very,
very careful to partner with someone that is good with your Acura and this is good for your junior
as well. A lot allows you to marry for junior reasons.
		

			Like the prophecy for reasons why you get married looks and money and lineage and Dean. Dean is the
best but you can marry for those other food things as well. Okay. Since I made four different wives,
each one will give me one of those food I
		

			say it's, it's permissible except in Cape Town.
		

			Ever exhausted all avenues for reconciliation, right? Once you've people are very quick to in We
live in a time when divorce is very easy. You know, to place that divorce button in the past was
really difficult. There was social pressure, the woman you know, one of the things about sisters
becoming more economically independent, she can quickly run away. And you know, when you have in the
back of your mind that parachute, you have in the back of your mind the plan B, it just gives you
less commitment to plan a when you always know there's a contingency. There's always a full black
fallback plan. It's very easy to quit. So we haven't gone many divorces, you know, they haven't gone
		

			through the full process of reconciliation, try every single step to reconcile and once you get to
the point and you can say, you know a mom shear wave it might be to a father to his his father,
mother, we've tried every single thing we genuinely tried, it didn't work. Now when hamdulillah the
Sharia does not force you into something that you can't be with and hamdullah then then we can say
okay, now you can get divorced, but try to reconcile, try to go through it.
		

			And in Islam, most things are not clearly black and white is not everything is clearly black and
black and white. So therefore you constantly have to consider the repercussions. weigh the pros and
the cons if Allah Himself does this iniquity, Allah says about common that there are benefits to
Hamas this good good things to hammer way a lot of benefits and this beds to Harmon, but Allah says
based on the probability how many is worse off. So Tom, if hammer has good in it, then your wife and
your husband is good in them as well. Right? So you have to weigh the goods that you're going to
give up versus the downside, upside and downside, and you need to look at what is best for you. The
		

			repercussions to other people as well, especially these children need to consider what this does to
them. Okay.
		

			Reasons why someone also when do I have a valid reason for divorce in reality, Sharia doesn't
require you to submit a reason. You don't have to write a letter to the MVC and say, these are my
reasons. If you want to get divorced for no reason.
		

			I don't like, I don't like vanilla, the the shape of a toast, whatever it might be. That's the
Sharia allows it. It's permissible. It's not it's not appropriate. It's not good. It might even be
Haram. But it's valid. You understand this concept is gonna come up in a few times V is a valid but
Haram. So a man who talks his wife as a joke, I thought about you as a joke. sinful is haram, but
it's validly counted as a divorce. Understand, valid versus Haram. So these are a valid haram way of
divorcing and a valid Hello, meaning you get divorced in the correct way. You understand what I'm
saying? Some confused faces. You understand? Right? You understand? Right? So you're listening very
		

			attentively and with speed. Right? So valid, you don't need a reason. No one is going to ask you for
reason. But obviously, you don't want to take something like this and destroy it harm someone's life
for no reason. So have a good reason. Some good, what are the good reasons some of the shady I would
say, a woman will often ask the mom, she I'd like to get a divorce? Is this a valid reason? If I
look at the argument, right, so if your underlying rights as a husband, as a wife will be fulfilled,
your sexual needs are not being fulfilled 100% better than he is and then you should write the
shadier one of these number one reasons. If your rights as a wife, nataka not being made, you know,
		

			III, suppose supervisorial nakaka, that's a basic right as a wife, then that needs to be fulfilled.
And I think that's something that you can, you can say, if they are either irreconcilable
differences, meaning we all human fighting and fighting, it's just such a burden being married, when
the Sharia says we are forced you into an unhappy marriage. Now, lack of happiness is one of those
gray areas. Today, you can be very unhappy with the same person, that in a year's time, you can be
very, very happy. And in fact, if you got married to someone, there was a point in your time, when
you were very happy with this person, you did love this person. Allah says to you off the top, or at
		

			the process of Palak Walla
		

			that you're going through this very ugly period in your relationship. Don't forget the fact of the
goodness you had you had some soft, sweet moments together. You laughed and smiled. Don't disperse.
Don't make this person a bitter enemy. Right? Remember the good times? You know, so? Yes, if someone
says I'm not happy in my marriage, and not for any great reason, there's no like major reason he you
know, cheated on me with abusing me. Those are obviously valid reasons. But it's I'm not happy. I
want to be with someone else. It's valid, but be very careful. We are too quick to run off the
happiness always we look on Facebook, or we look and the grass is always greener. On the other side.
		

			We're always chasing something and forget what we have. And that's one of the problems that we have
today. So another very good beautiful Hadith. Look at this lady, the wife of a Sahabi third place
very famous Sahabi. So third place his wife comes to the salon. She complains, she says Yasuda law,
I don't complain about service therapy. This my husband, I don't complain that he's his character.
He's good character. And he's a good Muslim. good character. Good man. Mashallah, well, your wife
says that, but basically, I don't want to be. I don't want to commit any act of goofing off to
become Muslim. She means Yeah, I don't she he brings out a bad side of me. When I'm with him, I'm
		

			not a good person. I don't like the person and maybe we arguing maybe I'm saying things ungrateful.
I don't want to be become a Muslim. I just don't like that. So she says, Yes, I have no excuse. He's
a good he's a good guy. And he's a good Muslim. I don't like him. Can I divorce him? The promises?
Yes. And the prophecies to Sabbath. So Prophet says to the lady, are you willing to give back your
power your Muscovy? sabich gave you a garden as a dirty? Are you willing to give it back to him? So
she says, yes, you can take it. I don't want to be with him. So the Prophet didn't even ask them.
What's your side, he says to take back the garden and devotion. Ladies are happy. So this shows you
		

			that her reasons were very flimsy. She didn't say he hits me with committing adultery, you know, his
mother in laws interfering and those kind of major issues. You know, it's just, I don't like being
with you. And the Prophet allowed this lady to get divorced. So we see the Sharia does not force you
into a marriage that you're not happy and so is divorce wrong, you get some it's not nice. It's not
encouraged by the Sharia. And it's but it's permissible, and even the prophets of Salaam, it's
mentioned that he divorced hafsa with one devotion to Quebec and if you follow my series, the women
around the messenger so seldom, you will get we'll get to that maybe in a week or two. We'll talk
		

			about another half so don't have said normal. She was divorced once even the professor Sonam did
this once and then he brought her back. And it's a reality. It's so you know, it's faces so many of
us. We all know a couple that has gotten divorced, said we all know a Auntie or Uncle, you know
someone in our family, even cousins, whatever it might be, that have gotten divorced. So it's a
reality. And it's still not like every suit even though but 50% of people get divorced married
people. It's still a taboo in our society, even a Christian community. No one encourages it because
		

			Our society is built on marriage that a happy home is built on marriage. So when I interviewed speak
inshallah about how to get divorced understand, we don't encourage it. But it is something which the
Sharia permits the Sharia permits. So it is allowed, it is allowed and in reality divorce so when
one asks this a side note here, in everything in the Sharia, there are five categories. Is it halal?
Is it wajib meaning you must do it haram you can't do it. Is it so not good to do it is mcru not
like MOBA meaning it's okay nobody would know so so what is divorce is the most part everyone must
get divorced is haraam. No one can get divorced. Is it true? Now you get rewarded for divorce isn't
		

			my true meaning disliked if you get divorced, what is the ruling? The ruling really applies to each
person for one couple will say for the two of you, you should you must get divorced for you and you
have to get divorced. Because you This is too much. Okay? for another couple. It might be for you
this haraam to get divorced. Whatever reason it might be, there might be some harm that it causes
for you. It's Haram, but Fujin in general, it's permissible, and perhaps mcru if we could say but in
reality, it's permissible and there's no sin on you if you get divorced, and you do it correctly.
		

			Now, when we talk about divorce, ending a marriage usually we will say what is divorce in Arabic, we
say talaq talaq is only one type of divorce.
		

			So wake up a little bit, it was in the corner, just wake up a little bit. There are three ways of
ending a marriage, very important for you to understand this. There are three types of divorces in
Sharia. These are tallac, there's a facade. Here, the MJC was facade, and the hula, right, so there
are three types of divorce, not just tallac. So we start number one, and we'll end up a little early
because it's janaza. So that we can attain the General mshfa. So we'll see how far we get. But the
first type of divorce, which is called a Palak, attack, this is where the man, the husband, he ends
the marriage by pronouncing either verbally or in writing, in sign language, whatever it might be,
		

			that our marriage is over. So he ends the marriage, the husband ends the marriage, it's called tala
using some kind of indication, some might ask, and especially in the modern age we live in. So Allah
has given a man the full right to without any reason. I mean, he just he doesn't like, maybe he
wants to marry someone else. You can divorce her just by saying, I don't like you, and it's over. So
yes, it's valid. it's valid, maybe heroin but valid. So someone will ask how is this fee in the
Sharia? So number one, we say number one, there are other avenues for the ladies to in the marriage
as well. Right? There are other avenues. Number two, the man is the one who pays in Africa and he
		

			pays the Muscovy, which means it's against his interest to constantly divorce and medical every time
he divorces and Mary needs to pay more Muscovy needs to pay maintenance. So the Shetty has built
this into understand that perhaps with a man, you will want to take this lightly because the cost of
a marriage and divorce costs the man a lot. So he won't do this likely also, by law, he will lie he
will lie. Most times you find people that made Tulloch, they come to the man crying, I made a
mistake.
		

			Tara is not a privilege. Rather, it's a responsibility.
		

			It's like giving you this loaded gun. And you need to be what what yourself, meaning no matter how
hectic the argument gets, no matter what she says about you about your mother, whatever. You cannot
in our in Angus, I tell our kids over and take it back. No shadiness is no. As when you always need
to keep your composure. There's a line you can't cross. The sisters can say almost anything. And I'm
not saying it's permissible. But she can say I devotion 10 billion times. And the Sharia won't take
that into account meaning she was emotional. For the man he can never use an argument. She was only
emotional. No, I made a mistake. I made a joke I made I was angry, you know. And most of us that he
		

			greets, if we could take this dollar gun and give it to someone else will be happy. Because in that
moment, and she's in your face. Now tell me tell me very difficult brother smiling would have been
the right.
		

			Right?
		

			You have to keep your composure what the Sharia is saying you're a man. And as a man, you cannot
just say what you want to her. Even if she sees whatever you have aligned that you can't cross the
street. He hasn't given her that line. So it's the responsibility. Also a very interesting thing.
And this is something that you know, again, wake up as you most of us don't know this mostly for our
sisters.
		

			talaq can be given to someone else. What do I mean? It's good luck you can actually give so you see
the Sharia gives you three blocks three bullets. You can say You know what? I agree I'm going to
give one bullet to the Imam he can use it. So we allow the Imam to pass the talaq or even a lady can
put in a marriage contract. Before I get married. I would like one of your top bullets I can in the
message permissible. The prophets are sometimes called taquito Palak. The Prophet Salam gave his
wives at times options
		

			You have the right to talk me. Yeah, I give it to you, you can pull the trigger, I give you the gun.
So a lady can ask for this in her marriage contract, I do not recommend any woman to do it. Because
within one week you will use that.
		

			Don't you will find. And that's why, you know, many times the sisters will complain, you know, why
do they get the right of the lock NASA? Do you want it? We give it to you? No, no, I don't want it.
Because we know the amount of it sutala can actually be deputized can be transferred to someone else
quote of litella. And this is something that lady can put in her marriage contract. For example, She
could say that if he marries, while it is the right to get married to a second wife, for example.
But if he gets married to a second wife, then by default, I can use my padlock and in the marriage,
obviously he has to agree to it. The Sharia just and will will basically end with us because we
		

			would like to finish her maybe in the next two, three minutes. The Sharia allows you if you have a
right, you have a right like the lady has the right of nataka she has the right of mouth. You can
pass that on to someone else so you can give up your rights. Sharia allows you to give up your
rights as much as you want. If you met for example, you married to two wives, you have one day each
one wife can say you know what you can you don't have to visit me every day every second Thursday.
It's fine. It's my right so you can give up your rights talaq is the right of the man. So, you can
pass that on to someone else that is very beautiful, very, very practical. So, the law can be
		

			deputized and given to someone else. So how do you go about giving a talaq? talaq these two ways of
doing it? Two ways. So, we say the man pronounces basically he sees something right something which
indicates I want to in the marriage. Now, there are two types of statements very technically, one is
clear, and ambiguous and one is ambiguous. What do I mean? So that has been says, I divorce you. I
don't want to be married to you. Our marriage is over. Can that be understood as anything besides
divorce? Could you mean anything else besides divorce? You with me? If a man says I divorce you? can
it mean anything else getting me? No, I didn't mean divorce by that. It's very clear. But he says
		

			Get lost. It can mean many things. He says Go back to your mommy. It can mean many things I've done
with you. Does it mean now? So there are two types of statements one that is very clear, and one
that is unclear. If he makes a clear statement that means divorce. We don't even ask What did you
mean by that it counts as talaq whatever his intention how what mood he was in it counts as the law
if he said it. If he gave an unclear statement. Imagine he just told me now. He's done with me. Am I
now divorced? Then I phoned the husband says, Okay, what did you mean by I'm done? Did you mean I'm
done with you now? I'm done with you for this five minutes. I'm done with the marriage. What did you
		

			mean when he needs to be truthful to his wisdom? Yeah. What do you mean? And if he's near was
divorced, he comes to divorce. If it is no, no, I didn't mean divorce. You know, any vectrex now, I
only mean go to your mommies today. Right. When we say that's Allah tala, you understand this, too,
sometimes vanilla. We learn in marriage, how to get married, but we don't know that statements we
make can fool us to luck. So even if I didn't say I tell you, I just said I don't want to be married
anymore. We are you are you around for me. Now. These kind of words count as talak even if you
didn't mean it. Be very, very careful how you say those things.
		

			So you have three toddler bullets in your gun. Right? The Sharia has said you have three bullets,
three tags, basically. How does it work? Once you issue a toddler, you've said now I tell you I
shall. Now immediately your marriage is over helaas she goes into it immediately. She cannot make it
for three months. She can't marry anyone. You still have to provide an Africa for her. But now
within this three month period, you can either take her back
		

			or you can let her go. So you have a three month period now in India. If you take her back, you
don't make a new nikka the old Nicholas come comes back into effect. No new mahalo new marriage You
are now but you only have two bullets in your gun. You with me? If you save the Tulloch after three
months, you try to reconcile and it's very good people you know, today people do this bad thing.
Once they need that she immediately runs to Appearance he told me I'm going to a mommy now there's
no room for reconciliation. The Sharia wants you to live together sleep next to each other letting
see who you know whatever like a married couple. And if you have * in that period, it
		

			means you came back. Right so it means your marriage has come back. So the Sharia wants you to
reconcile the period. So if after three months she's lying the next you you hold each other you
talking and still you don't want to reconcile. Now how does the EDA is done? She's not around for
you. She leaves. Now if you want to get back together you need a new nikka new Mahara new COVID to
everything new. You enter a new one no problem, but you also have to talk to each other again. You
with me?
		

			If after many years you get $1 9095 right, your team lost in your city Viva La Crosse. All Blacks
lost you gave $1 whatever
		

			All right, this is not as a mistake I take it back then two years later another issue another teller
now you gave a third tallac now you can't come back from that palace no matter how many tears you
cry can't come back. Now she's held on for you you hold on to her you separate completely. The only
way you can marry her again is if she marries another person and they have * together and
then he divorces her and she becomes clean from her. Now you can enter a new marriage why Sharia Why
do you make it so because now you guys have shown that you constantly bouncing back and forth
talking yeah and the maybe she must experience someone else you need to experience someone else and
		

			realize that you know it's not so green out the this man with all these faults this lady with all
our faults is better than the other fish in the sea. Now we get together properly. We continue
inshallah next week because we have a few announcements to make and we'd like to do it in the
janessa inshallah, so continue with talaq and how to give tala wink to give the law and the other
forms of divorces quickly a few announcements.
		

			This year shaky acid quality we mentioned this very, very famous scholar Alhamdulillah very
fortunate to be in Cape Town for the very first time. He's giving his lecture at Muslim goods
currently, this evening, I think around seven 730 you will be at UCT for a free lecture on the
Sharia in the modern times at the old Jemison was called Memorial Hall now, I think the main hall of
UCT the lecture will be this free of charge on tomorrow in the morning, you will have a lecture at
cticc on pseudo use of life lessons with pseudo uses. And in the evening. Lecture called Deep
confusion, the doubts that we have as Muslims questions that you had will be discussed. Then on
		

			Sunday Alhamdulillah Anwar Majid will be having around 10 o'clock the morning, our Mahara module,
bring our little kids and reconnect them to our cultural heritage that this is the cradle of Islam
here in South Africa, that this is we are pioneers came in set up these wonderful massages. So we
take the kids around, they will have a good time with some free toys and stuff. So it's a good
outing for the kids.
		

			Right, so please, you know, welcome to participate. If you'd like to support we bring orphans as
well if you'd like to sponsor an orphan at the end to sponsor an orphan for this program, you know,
speak to the Italian of the Juma the next week. Next week. Well, hamdulillah the great blessing.
It's a long weekend, right? Monday is Heritage Day, Monday now Monday, next week is his Heritage
Day, and it's a public holiday on that Monday. If you're not out of town, then there's a wonderful
Course Home Sweet Home talking about building a happy home, from choosing a spouse, to resolving
medical problems to parenting, how to teach your kids Islam in the world that we live in very good
		

			topic. If you'd like to join, you can speak to me You can go to alcocer.org excellent topic. Then we
have our women around the messenger Episode 12 and 13 coming out this evening coming out Monday and
Wednesdays, if you'd like to be part of it's free of charge, they just send a message to oh eight
four triple 230 no 8084 triple 238 and you will get your lecture. I mean, exactly. Thank you so much
insha Allah, Allah bless us once again in this new year glommed on to behave. And we ask a lot to
have mercy and mafia farmer whom I mean and all the possible I mean psychologically, that's an
unwelcome