What at the Causes & Solutions to Marriage & Family Problems?
Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari – Causes And Solutions To Marriage
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Alhamdulillah
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Chateau La ilaha illAllah hula hula sharika a shadow anunciado no habibollah wasswa Tanaka eternal Mohammed Abu ora pseudo
Allahumma salli wa sallim wa barik ala Sayyidina Muhammad wa de novo hearing was heavy rain water coolamon Toby sun in either me Dean Allahumma alumna and former owner when found Avi Marlon Turner was it an early man Ramadan eurobodalla many
respected brothers and sisters in Islam salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.
First of all, it's an honor
and it's a privilege for me to be here in your midst today. Alhamdulillah we praise and we thank Allah subhanho wa Taala. I would like to thank the organizers of today's lecture,
the Russia foundation who invited me as well as the masjid here, and the environment, the committee members for facilitating this program, and all of you for attending and taking out your very precious time on a Saturday evening. May Allah subhanho wa Taala grant us the ability to say that which is beneficial for myself for you and put it into practice and bring about some good understanding of Deen and that implemented in our life. I mean,
topic we have today,
marital and family disputes, causes and solutions.
I have a few points that I want to cover four or five points.
I will talk about the causes in about five points, and then inshallah each point mentioned the solution.
Our Deen Islam, that Allah Subhana Allah has blessed us with. It's a way of life. It's not just a religion. It's a complete way of life. It's a unique way of life that has teachings, guidelines, rules, advices injunctions to deal with every aspect of our life. From the moment we wake up till the moment we go to sleep, every point of our life, there is Islam, there are Islamic guidelines, there are Islamic rules. Islam is not just about a few forms or modes of worship, what we call it rebar that in some other faiths, you might have that certain celebrations, certain rituals, certain times of the year, when you go to the place of worship, and you spiritually sort of meditate and
that's about it. Whereas in Islam, it's a comprehensive way of life. The teachings of the Quran and Sunnah deal with every aspect of our life. So we have a burden, which is worshiping Allah subhanaw taala worship is just one category, prayer fasting, Zakat, hijo de Moura.
These are all herbal rules, or these are all issues relating to worship a burdah Riba that that's just one branch of Islam. And then we have another branch of Islam, which is known as marmelade. business and financial transactions. That's a branch on its own. Islamic laws and guidelines deal with a lot with how a Muslim acquires his or her wealth, inheritance laws, financial laws, many books and books have been written the Quran and Sunnah filled with versus, you know, the longest verse in the Quran if you ask some of the scholars here, which is the longest verse in the Quran. What does that longest verse talk about? Does the longest verse in the Quran talk about how to
perform hajj, how to do omura How to praise Allah? How to give the gods how to fast, how to eat, hold on iftaar who is it about charity, the longest verse in the Quran.
deals with credit transactions. The Quran says you're Latina, Manu, either too young to Medellin, Illa, urgently Muslim and fuck to boo, or you will believe when you take a loan, write it down, we'll look to biocompatible Milady. Allah goes into extreme detail of how to do a small credit transaction, who should be the scribe? Who should write it down? When will you take this money? When will you pay it back? All the details are mentioned. When it comes to worship. The Quran is very limited.
The five time prayers have just about been mentioned in the Quran, just the names there are no details of. There's no way in the Quran. The mention of to the art of Virgin, we offered three records. nowhere in the Quran Allah says Salah Torah cottonelle mothering, there's no way three number four mother has not been mentioned in the Quran. Likewise, the rules of fasting Koran is very limited. Hajj, unzicker, and Amara the Quran is very limited when it comes to the second category muamalat
financial transactions
and also the third category, which is more Arusha and that's our topic today Marsha. Marsha means social etiquette, social laws, social rules, social guidelines. human being is a social animal, we all live with one another. There are details the Quran goes into details in terms of how to live with one another, how to live with one another, as family members as husband and wives or spouses, as family members as relatives, as cousins as human beings, Muslims, non Muslims that are detailed rows in the Quran that talk about the this category of Marcia. And then we have another category which is the theater column, which means the laws relating to the heart. So Islam is a comprehensive
way of life. We learn about a budget, we have to be a complete Muslim. We can't just be a partial Muslim. We can't be a quarter or a half time Muslim, we have to be a complete Muslim.
The Quran says here you're Latina, Armando the hooroo facility Kapha Oh, you who believe enter into Islam completely, totally, fully, comprehensively. Allah said to the people of the brusilov It took me a while dedicated otaku, una de Burgh. Do you take parts of the book and discard other parts? Do you take some portions of the core of the book of Allah and leave other parts, enter into salon completely act upon the laws of a bar that also act upon the laws of morality and financial transactions. You can't just be a Muslim just praying. You can't be a Muslim just fasting. Muslim is not just someone who restricts the Islam to just Hajj the gods ombre fasting. A Muslim has to be a
comprehensive Muslim, the way he or she acquires his wealth has to be and must be in line in line with Islamic guidelines. Otherwise the wealth income is unlawful is haram and there is no reward in any charity and the whole lifestyle becomes a loafer. Likewise, we have the third category which is more social news social articles. Numerous ayat and Hadith of the Quran that talk about great emphasis on social cohesion, great emphasis on family ties, kinship, known as
maintaining ties. The word in Arabic is Rahim you know you've heard of the word Rama. Rahim is also known as the womb the womb of the mother in Arabic is Rahim Salatu Rahim maintaining ties, especially between the family members because these family members are connected to one and the opposite of that is patea to Rahim, which is breaking of ties cutting of ties, the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam in a hadith he said liat hooroo genotoxicity Rahim, the one who breaks ties, or they're the one who breaks ties shall not enter Paradise, Judah huduma who focus on Earth. This is a hadith sound in Sahih al Bukhari who none of you should leave talking to your brother or
sister You can add more than three days from einherjar Ahava, Salah Informatica na whoever deserves their fellow brother more than three days and they die in that state shall enter Hellfire May Allah protect us and I'm sure martial law here I mean traded I don't think you will need this topic because I have been here for just one first time. This is the first time I've ever come to treat that I've been to Barbados before but first time here and I've spent just one day I came last night I'm here one day and now the two more days and I have to go see in one day I've seen Mashallah generally people are very good in their manners and HELOC and character so I don't really think you
need all of this. This is all we in the UK needed because people's you know, moral ethics sometimes are not
In light to inline with Islamic guidelines, but generally you know, people seem very good here. So I'm sure this is just a reminder. I'm sure all the Muslim brothers and sisters are practicing this. So it's just a reminder and the Quran says was the cure for in the Quran foreign meaning remind, because reminding benefits the believers. So the Quran talks about this, the definition of say, the Quran says forsake the sinners. Who are those yakata Omar, Omar Omar who be a user, they break that which Allah has told and commanded to maintain, maintaining of ties, having good relationships, healthy relationships. This is the category of Marsha the there's a hadith where the messenger
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is giving a definition of a believer who is a Muslim, who is a movement. He said, Well, there's two heads, there's many heads, but these two have just come into mind. When he says a Muslim. In another one, he talks about movement. There's two terms. There's a technical difference Muslim woman, but that's for the students. But both terms if you take the Muslim term, he said who is a Muslim and a Muslim woman Solomon Muslim with me lisanova D. Muslim is the one from whose hands and from whose tongue, others are safe. And when it comes to mean, he said who is a moment, aluminium Lafortune what a Hydra female Allah for a moment is someone who is an abode of
love. Someone who is a utensil, a fountain of love. Someone when you look at that person, you love that person and that person loves you. And me know. He said it's a it's a place a movement is from whom love pours out. What are higher of human love. This is a no Muslim, Mr. Mohammed, there is no good in the one who does not love others. And because of that, others don't love him or her. Normally when you do when we don't have others and others won't like us, and there's numerous numerous texts. There's a hadith in Sahih Muslim where the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said that
Allah subhanho wa Taala created
creation when he was creating the creation he created many things of the creation. Then he created this Rahim this tie itself now what was the form of it? Allah knows best, but this is a sound Sahih Hadith in Sahih Muslim in Allahu taala Holla Holla Holla and he created the creation Hector is a photo of a man who Armadale right when he completed creating the creation the Rahim Rahim means the time itself you know the family tie or the tie itself. Allah gave it a form. It stood up and spoke to Allah and he said our law you've created me her The mahkamah are easy becoming a Katia
I want to take your refuge This is a place now that I want to take your refuge from anyone violating me. So Allah spoke to the Thai and said okay, go ahead what you want to say. So the tie itself said that
Allah said to the Thai that yes, granted
whoever will maintain you I will maintain that person who whoever will not maintain you will break you. I will cut that person octoman Qatar Aslam and masala octoman Pathak
so there's numerous texts in the Quran and Sunnah that talk about this, the you know, one of the verses that when people get married, the moment you resize a hotel with double La Villa de Luna B he will or hum fear of love from breaking ties. That's why the reminder is at the time of Nika is at the time of marriage, with De La Hoya de de Luna v one or ham one or ham is related to what de la fille allow from breaking ties. So we know this this is very important. It's an extremely important part of our Deen a bar that is one category one chapter fasting praying that God has genre dressing like a Muslim hijab, niqab, covering all of that is a quarter of Islam. If somebody prays fast the
card has the courage to speak step four to emulate the hijab and niqab, hijab and dress everything but is neglectful in how they earn money and how they deal with others and how they are loved and more ambernath and, and how they transaction and how they dealings and how their social interaction is is with others. If they neglect that, then that person is a quarter Muslim, just one quarter because they've only acted upon the ibadat quarter of Islam. And Allah tells us enter into Islam fully with holo filmmaker for a great deal of importance given on ensuring that we live a life where nobody is harmed from us no human being no animal, no nobody. But of course there are times where it
will happen but what we should straightaway seek forgiveness but generally, a Muslim is someone who does not get involved in disputes, whether it's marital disputes, especially it starts at home because charity begins at home. Sometimes we are very well mannered, very good mannered when we are in trouble
public, but at home we are not. There's two reasons for that. One of the reasons is that because outside it's a bit of a show, so when you come to the masjid hamdulillah salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah smile, God, everyone at home, there's no one to show off to. You've lived with your wife, or your husband for 20 years, they know the ins and outs of our life. So then there's no one to show off to outside, there's a bit of show. And number two, the second reason why we're good outside or not at home, is because the challenge is greater at home.
The person we meet at the masjid, we meet him for 10 minutes, the colleague at the workplace, we spent five hours with him, but people at home we are living within 24 hours 24 seven, we live in the same house. You know, things are difficult people do things say things when feelings are hurt. So great a test, it's a greater challenge. And the greater the challenge, the greater the reward, the greater the thought, the greater the reward from Allah subhanaw taala for some people, and also, you know, this good character, a moment of his earlier, Allah, He says good character is actually acquired, you are born with it, or you you acquire it. He says some people are just born with it.
Some people are just generally like the people of Trinidad, they are just generally calm, you know, they're cool. They're just born with it. Your challenge is small. For some people, they are born with anger, they are born with bad luck with bad character, the challenge. Now, that's not an excuse, because Allah gives everyone different challenges. Someone has the challenge of anger, but they may not have a challenge of something else. Greed, somebody has a challenge, that they are very calm, they will never get angry. So it's easy for them to save themselves from the sin of rage and anger. But they might have some other sexual lustful desires extremely high. That is very difficult
for them. The challenge is great for them to stay away from illicit relationships, someone who may have the great challenge of illicit relationships, but maybe, you know, come in the anger departments, everybody has different challenges, Allah has given everyone different challenges. So some people are generally born with a good character. They challenges small, but they have other challenges. But this is a definite test and challenge, ensuring that we live a life where we are not harming anybody. There are many reasons and causes and I will mention these points. Now that was just a small introduction, in terms of what causes this solution, what causes some of the problems
we find marital problems, family problems, disputes, conflict. Okay? There's a few I'll sum these up. Number one, one of the reasons and this I was mentioning earlier today, that
in every faith,
in every faith, in every community, in every religion,
in every religion,
they encourage people to have good manners, good character, everyone in the world you speak to a Muslim or non Muslim or Hindu or a Christian or a Jew or an atheist. It's agreed upon accepted
fact of the world. Be well mannered ladies and gentle men. Be nice, be gentle, be kind, we consider it to be hospitable, be courteous, be cordial, be good towards people. This is generally accepted in the world. But there's a difference between
Islam, the teachings of Islam and the teachings and understandings of all the other communities in rest of the world in all the communities and all the religions and all the faiths. You are good to others for their sake, you want to be good to the public, you want to be good to someone next to you want to be good to just human beings, kind to animals, because you want to be nice to them in Islam. The difference is that the first and foremost consideration in Islam is we are supposed to show good character good manners and have good relations and good relationships with others. Not even for the sake of others. That's the difference. It is for the sake of Allah subhana wa Tada. It's for the
pleasure of Allah. This is what we call a loss. This is what we call sincerity. This is a big difference. When I am good to my parents. Yes, I want my parents to be happy. But that's secondary. The first objective The first reason my first mcsa or aim or goal. Oh, my first intention. My first aim is I want to please my God. My Lord has said Waka darbuka Allah tabula Yahuwah will
teach your parents honorably. When I am good to my children. Don't be good to your children because you want to be good to them now, so then they treat you well in your old age. Like, you know, I sort of stick a once on a on a on a cardus and treat your children well because they will be the ones who choose your old age.
Homes in your homes. Some people say let's look after them now they will look after us in old age, completely an Islamic understanding. So the first cause of family disputes is we do it for the wrong reason our intentions are wrong. Our intentions are worldly, whether they will reciprocate. If we are good to others, they'll be good to us or you want to make them happy, or it's for some worldly aim and goal. Also people think we're very, you know, gentle people, good people, or I have good to my wife so that my wife cooks, nice fish and biryani for me, well, I am good to my husband so that he buys me all the gifts. The intention is wrong. The solution is we must correct our intention.
This is the first hadith of most Hadith books in number, a man who Binya actions are by their intentions.
We have to ensure our relationships are good for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala not even for the person that we are being good to. It's not even for that person. It's got nothing to do with others. It's solely for the pleasure of Allah. This is the reason why we have many problems. Because what happens when we are good to others, we expect things in return. We expect we demand it or we expect it. We call people for food. I call this person for my walima he has to call me from his walima. When we look at who we need to call are there. Those people we have to call them if we don't call them they'll take it back. The moment you do something where you think people will take it back. All
the rewards are gone out of the window. There's no there's no reward, doing things so that people will say, you didn't even go to visit. We go to a janaza funeral prayer. Not because to show people
it's because a great act of Riverdale. A man had been humbled for the Allahu anhu one of the greatest moments of this oma Once there was a great scholar of his time Bishop haffi, a great pious individual who passed away in Bogota in Iraq.
The whole world was going for his janaza prayer, one of the greatest shakes of the time. People are traveling from places coming to offer an attender janaza prayer. So the Imams students set him Chef janaza today remember? He said, Actually,
I don't feel like going, he got a shock. The whole world is traveling here and you are not going and you're everyone's going to wait for you you will be the main person that
he said Actually, I'm trying my best. I'm trying my best. But I can't make my new year. I can't I'm just the NEA keeps on coming. that people will if I don't go people will say if I go there, the intention is not becoming it's not becoming sincere people will say Mr. Mohammed when I saw him at the funeral, Mr. Mohammed was there. He also attended he also attended, I'm trying for the past hour. I'm struggling with my enough's with my soul. I'm trying for the past hour, that all I just want to go for your sake for Allah sake. But it's still not happening until I don't get to the level I'm not going to go. He was working for an hour on his intention. Everything we do in this world,
nobody should know you give with your right hand, your left hand should a note in the head if
we give in charity, nobody should know between us and Allah subhanaw taala we are good to our parents. It's for the sake of Allah, Allah will reward us. We give somebody a gift, the Hadith of the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he says
the hurdle,
the hurdle, the Habu exchange gifts. Give your mother a gift. Give your father a gift, give you a brother gift. Give your husband a gift. Give your wife some flowers, give gifts to have Do you will increase in love. But this is when the gift is for the sake of Allah. Not because they will say thanks to us.
One of the Golden principles of being happy in this world. There's many principles. That's another topic. You can look at steps to being internally happy. That's another topic on its own. There's lots like 10 different reasons. But one of those 10 things is not to expect anything from anyone in this world. If you if if we make this a principle of our life. I don't expect anything from anyone. If I do something good to someone I go and give a gift. I don't even expect they will say thank you or joke Hello even smile. If they smile. Wow, bonus. I wasn't expecting this smile. Oh, he says Thank you. Hello. That's bonus extra. I wasn't expecting it. If we don't expect anything from
anyone, we will never be disappointed. Cut off all expectations from the creation. build connections with expectation.
With the Creator, there's a hadith the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam used to make dua, Allahu Allah Gylfi, calbee Raja Natasha Allahumma, janhvi calbee, Raja wok Tara Raja, amen see work all cut off in my heart. All the expectations with people besides you and make all my expectations with you each Alfie calbee Raja, all our expectations should should be with Allah with Allah subhanho wa Taala if we lower our expectations, we cut off our expectations we don't expect anything in return. We don't expect the mother in law to be good. We don't expect the daughter in law to come and cook 20 dishes or biryani if she does 100 law I wasn't expecting this Wow, you cooked you will
be happy if she didn't cook. That's normal. I don't expect it anyway.
If we live a life like that, most of our problems will be solved. Because our intention is to be good for the sake of Allah not because we will get something in return I speak to so many times you know some couples the wives calling I you know we have some problems in our marriage. I do this I do this I do this I do this I do this. But you know he's not doing I said you do this you do this do it for law forget him.
Likewise a husband Oh no, I take this and I give her this. But look at her she's not I said all this all your life you're just doing it for her you have no reward. Of course you can avoid an oppression on Goldman there's situations doesn't mean you know if someone's abusing you, you take the abuse, but small small things if your spouse your husband, your wife is not giving you in return then don't worry all the rewards and the alpha to the point that by some of the rewards all of this you will get an alpha when we go in alpha will probably think that I wished my husband and wife did not do anything for me by seeing the rewards. Because it's this is marriage is not a transaction. It's not
a deal. you scratch my back I scratch your back. You give me one biryani I give you 101 gift. You do this I do this. It's not a transaction. Parents and children is not a transaction.
If you give me money, Dad, I'll bring you some tea. If you do this, then I'll do this. It's not a transaction. It's actually in the Hadith. There's a famous Hadith the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said lasal was pseudo bill McAfee while a Kindle wasn't allowed either pootie or terashima. Who was Allah famous Hadith. The real maintainer of ties is not the one who lays a Walsall bill McAfee. McAfee means the one who reciprocates, if someone's good to me, and I am good to that person. No big deal. That's not the real maintain of ties. Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam is the one who gives back to someone who was good. If you're good to someone who was good to you, then
you are there is no big deal. This is not Scylla Tara him. He said, Well, I Kindle was in a lady either, Katia Tara Hema, who was Allah Ha. The real maintain of ties, the one who maintain ties is the one when others cut him off. He maintains the ties for the sake of Allah because being good to someone who's good to us. That's normal. If we weren't even doing that, then we wouldn't even be human beings. So that's no big deal. If someone's good to me, and I am good to them. That's okay. That's normal average no big deal. You haven't done anything yet. The real challenge is when someone doesn't talk to you, you still smile at them. This was the practice of the messenger sallallahu
alayhi wa sallam numerous heads. He said, you know to the companions, forgive the one who Allah co oppresses you talk to someone who doesn't talk to you smile and others who don't who don't smile at you. And generally when we are good people the other party will always feel guilty and they'll given in always feel guilty and given we should always be nice, be gentle for the sake of a Lost Planet Allah, we do our duty in a nice way. Sometimes we do it but in a like a sarcastic way, you know? Yeah, I'm doing it. Okay. Okay. Let's see, no with a loss when sincerity for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala. we fulfill our right if it's a husband, wife issue, forget about as a husband,
forget about my rights.
What are my wife's rights? What are my responsibilities? And what are my wife's rights? Forget what she has to do for me, what do I have to do for her? And if it's a wife, forget what my husband has to do for me, what do I have to do? If we live in this world where every person just learns about their responsibilities, concentrates on the responsibilities what they have to do for others, and forgets what others have to do for them? If everyone does not the whole world would be a better place today.
So this is the attitude if loss and sincerity. So the first point, because we have these marital disputes or family disputes is because the intention is not clean. The intention is not sincere. The need inside the heart. It's for ulterior motive. It's why
worldly gain is for a worldly reason is for showing off. Sometimes it's for some other objective of the world. The solution to that is maintained ties, whether it's with family members, with parents, with children, with spouses, with husband, with wife, with brothers with sisters, siblings, relatives, cousins, fellow human beings, Muslims, non Muslims only and solely for the pleasure of Allah subhana wa Tada. This is what we call the flowers. The Quran says Ali Abdullah meclizine Elodie.
We have been ordered to make our religions and sia when we are sincere, not just solid, sincere, but even our relationships our dealings have to be sincere for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala number two, the second reason or
reason or cause for many of our disputes is that
we have this attitude of being and this is a human being nature. This is a human nature that human nature is human being has been created as a very, very selfish being. We are the extended family of the animals that I'm not talking about. I don't believe in evolution by the way I just said that extended family but we share some things with the animals we do we do share. That's why sometimes when the way some human beings act, we get to the animal level. If you've been and I'm sure you see a lot of animals here, you know if you go to a pond where you have ducks or some animals, take a bread and just throw it you know to some ducks or some animals or some birds, throw some Chowpatty
roti, as you call it or some bread. Have you seen the animals fighting? They fight literally animals fight. We say look at these greedy animals. You know, there's a big one, I took my you know, family. And I was telling us a look. You know, I have a son and a daughter. I said to them, you know, because a Son Son is five years old and daughter's two years old. Sometimes he's a bit you know, nasty and being selfish. And you know, he's always they're not sharings. So I took him to the zoo place and I saw a small farm place. And there were two goats. There was a big goat and a small goat brother and a sister. And we are throwing some two parties. And the big one was not letting the
small one eat every time comes. drives the other one away. I said, Look, this is what you do. That's you. And that's
the key if you be selfish, do you want to be a goat? Because Oh, this is so bad disease, you know, Latina, small sister eaters and no selfish. So every time since that day came home, when he grabs the packet of crisps. Are you the goat sacrificial? Oh, no, no, I'm not. I'm not here. Here. He gives it to the sister. I always remind him Don't be the goat.
This is a human animal characteristics. Sometimes some animals are more human than human beings. And sometimes some humans are more animal than animals. These animalistic traits. We laugh at animals sometimes but you know what the only reason sometimes we don't do that because we have lowered order.
And we have been a wealth and law and order. You know if, if suddenly a coup takes place or something takes place, obviously and people what they do, they loot and they just kill human beings used to eat each other animals eat each other. We human beings would start eating each other. They would do if there's poverty, we lose everything. Literally human beings will be eating each other. They wouldn't be doing that we've just become a bit civilized. That's why when when law and order goes. There's no police. There's no law and order. And human beings they are each other's throats we kill each other. We don't care about anyone. This is the human nature which we share with animals,
being selfish, being self centered. Islam came to eradicate this human this this nature of the human being. This is a spiritual disease of being selfish. This is why Islam says teach your children from a young age when they are young, instill deep into the hearts of the children. The quality which is opposite of this being selfish is the cause of problems. The opposite of that is what we call in the Quranic language ethos. ethos is being being what? selfless selfishness and selflessness being selfless. giving priority to others. The definition of selflessness and ethos is sacrificing your own interest, going through a bit of hardship yourself for the sake of others. The Quran says about
the Sahaba rhodiola who and whom will use Luna either unfussy him, while you can be him kasasa they give preference to others even if they have to remain hungry, this ayah was revealed. After you may know the story that once a guest came to Medina and we know what are the message to the messenger sallallahu alayhi wasallam the messengers are Allahu Allah said Sallam said who will entertain this guest, a unsavoury. Sahabi stood up and he said, I know you're full of law me on messenger of Allah. He didn't even ask his wife. He just went you know, normally, you should
Phone Yeah, because we go home when you sell for guests. Normally the etiquette is at least call your wife like you know someone's gonna come just don't go with 20 people you're going to take the food but the thing was that at that time there was no need that's a hobby didn't need to phone his wife or there wasn't many phones but he never had to give any message Why? Because life was simple. again back to the first point there were no expectations there was no like if you fed someone you fed them you know basic food from the heart that's it. We don't have to we feed we bring 10 dishes, but we complain 20 times. I don't know why they had to come at this time. No, oh, no, it's, we
sometimes put a lot of dishes on the table so that you know, they're talking bad about us like oh, this is the only thing that can feed, feed if you can feed and give a lot of dishes hamdulillah for the sake of Allah, but they had no the Sahaba had no formalities, whatever is in their heart is on the tongue. Nothing, no problem. This is my house. I've got two dates here. This meal, I'll feed you in your mouth for the sake of Allah. You eat it you go. That's it, No formalities. So he took the companion home. The wife said, You know what, there's no food. There's only one person's food. The children. He said just make the children go to sleep just boiled to some pretend that something's
being woman. They'll fall asleep. The children went to sleep. The wife didn't eat. The husband didn't eat. And he told the guests sit down and on the food spread. He bought the food in front of the guests. And then there was a lamp. So he pretended because there's only one person can eat he can't eat. So as soon as it was starting eating, he just like he hit the lamp. So no lamps gone out. Oh, there's no lights now. We'd have to eat in the dark. And in the in the dark. He just pretended.
You know he's just pretending he's eating, eat. The guest is eating relaxing. He thinks the host is eating but the host is not eating. He's just pretending in the dark. He is doing a good Act and the person does not even know this is another issue. Going back to the first point. When we are good. We need to we must the house smells. You know what? I didn't eat for you today. Remember that? Today I my whole family sacrificed a food I love you. You know see how much I do for you.
Again, not for the sake of Allah going back to the first point. Here the companion did not even let the guests know and realize and pretended that he was eating
nobody knew but why never kept it secret. Allah revealed a verse in the Quran. Will you see rune or other unforeseen him wallow can be him haha. These companions their quality is such that even if they remain hungry, they will give preference to others. They will stay hungry for the sake of others, they'll feed others for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala this is this is the quality etha bill this quality we need to bring this quality in ourselves is our giving preference to others. The Hadith of the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he says numerous Hadith talk about this. He says that now you may not have to come again You can't be a person cannot be a complete believer Hector
you have barely AHIMA you have been enough say until he does not like for his brother what he likes for himself and you can include sisters here as well. And another Hadith he says hey Berlin nassima to humble enough sick in this first Hadith he said you don't love for your brother, somebody might think this is just for Muslims in this other Hadees in the Muslim the female Muhammad he said hey Berliner, see love for people, no restriction of Muslim non Muslim love for people for humanity what you like for yourself which includes you want a man for you? You want a man for others as well. You want eternal bliss and paradise and Jenna you want eternal bliss and paradise for your fellow you
know she that DNS if you can, I don't know what you say but but for the fellow people. This is this is the Hadeeth
wanting always putting people before us. This can go on and on. This is a very important aspect. You know, to put in every relationship putting ourselves in the shoes of the others. How would I like to be treated? That's how the other person likes to be treated in every relationship. Take every relationship, parents children, but the problem is we are selfish when we are children. We don't know how what a parent we don't know how he feels because we're not parents it but the only thing that matters to us is being a son or a daughter is like my rights and why is my dad like this and why does my mother doesn't understand and they are backward and they don't understand. Oh young man,
young woman. You're going to be married soon and you will have children then using okay. kids nowadays look at them. They don't even when you become parents. The only rights that matters is parents rights. When we are children. We only live in the children world. When you're an employer you forget you are an employee one day when you become an employee. When you're an employee, then you forget what how it feels to be an employer. When you're a landlord you forgot you used to rent and you're a tenant. But when you're a tenant, you don't know what the landlord feels like. Everyone's in their own area that Islam is saying when you're a landlord for one month.
And go on other side when you refer to go on the other side and pretend, think, if I was a tenant, how would I feel? How would I want my landlord to treat me? If you're a mother in law and a daughter in law, mother in law forgets what it felt like being a daughter in law. Oh, mother in law. You know what, 25 years ago you were a daughter in law, that time the only thing that mattered to you were the rights of duty and most today, you become a mother in law, you don't know what are taught in law is like a different species. I don't even know what is that is that some gene or something? is just the only thing in the world now matters is being a mother in law. And the daughter in law, yes,
today, your adult in law, you got a two year old baby within 1015 years, that boy is gonna grow up and we're gonna get married and gonna bring a daughter in law, then you become a mother in law. Yeah. And then only you change your switch. This is the problem, selfishness. Everybody lives in their own bubble. In the own. When someone's ill, they think they're the only person that nobody else, you know, only my illness matches. When we have a problem, then this is the biggest problem on planet Earth. This everyone has issues we need to think about others. There was a lady that once she had a small stomach problem, they took her to the hospital, she was complaining, my stomach's
hurting, my stomach's hurting somebody, when they were taking the lift, they suddenly saw a patient that was burned from head to toe. Somebody said, Auntie, Look, she's burnt suffering shallow view on your stomach. She looked with the eyes burn, but he hasn't got the stomach pain.
Because this is bigger than that. Because for her only that matters. This is human nature. And this is why Islam says we need to build this ethos, this selflessness and this quality of giving preference to others, putting ourselves in the shoes of the others for a moment becoming a teacher thinking to like if I was a student going the other side, if you're a student, for one moment, put yourself in the shoes of the teacher, mother in law, daughter in law husband in the shoes of the wife, how do I want to be treated every relationship, put yourself on the other side, give preference to others take some sacrifice. Number three. So that was the second reason number three,
of course, three, four, I'm just going to quickly inshallah conclude.
The third reason is actually a very important reason and which is not really a fault. But it's an it's it's not a fault of human beings, but it's natural.
You remember first two first two is the first one was incorrect intention. So we need to make correct intentions, I'm going to ask you then, with the test. And number two. The second reason is we are selfish, selfish, and we have this selfish nature. We need to build and create ethos, the quality of selflessness, and sacrificing for the others and wanting others for others what we want for ourselves, too. Number three is not a bad quality, but it's like something we have been created with. Because human beings, all human beings have been created differently. The way we all think the way we all understand things, the way we look at things the way we understand, think, reflect and
act and deal with things is different.
Every human being is created differently. You know, the way we look, any two people look exactly similar. Even twins don't look same. Really. Every one of us physically made them different. Even our fingerprints. That's why they take fingerprints, even the lines of fingerprints, you take different my fingerprint is different from your fingerprint. Our brains are different. Everyone thinks differently. Everyone's temperament is different. Everyone's nature is different. When people are different than it's given, it's without doubt that people will do things which we won't do. We won't like people living in our family. My wife might do something that doesn't I don't feel right.
I don't like it my husband might do something that I don't like my brother my sister.
This is mentioned in the hadith of Solomon tirmidhi messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said Allah Muslim Allah you holliness
Yes, berala de hierro middle Muslim la de la Harlequin as well as
the Hadith the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is telling us in sound Hadith, that by living with others, it's natural that your feelings will be hurt. It's impossible to live with people and feelings not be hurt. That's not possible. Because you are different. Especially like I was saying earlier today that in marriage, it's a different gender men or women are completely different. men think differently. women think differently. Men are their temperament is different women, temperament is different. Psychologically, mentally, emotionally, men and women are different. Read the book men from Mars, women from Venus, different is a book, you know, men and women are
different. Women are emotional, they're more gentle, they're more fragile, you know, they they are sensitive and that's the beauty of a woman. A man is more you know, he
He likes to take control of the situation. He likes to take the lead he's that's why the Quran made the husband they want originally our Mona Lisa Bhima favela, la ba, ba ba ba made in the mirror of the household and has so there are different people that's why one of the problems in marriages men forget that they are married women and women forget that they've married men. Women think their husband is just like another woman that you can talk to three hours and you know cry about it and is going to listen no no a woman will do that but a man will not be able to do that. And a man thinks watch that my wife is like just my major that I used to before being married as a bachelor until 2am
hung around and just you know relax and this is a different species or a different species different gender. This is this is a woman difference. First of all, you are two different human beings. But then even your genders are different. The way women do things are differently from men. So this difference has been mentioned in the Hadith numerous Hadith that when you do live with people without a doubt it's given that people will say things do things act in ways which will not please you feelings will be hurt so what is the solution? One solution is just going live in isolation don't get married don't have family nothing go in the cave and the mountain or just going to one
island next to trader I don't know if the nobody lives in the middle. He has lived there and in you know, in the under the in the forest. No one nobody hurts my feelings. And I don't know that to anybody. Well, the trees are there. Good luck, you know, be nice to the trees.
You can do that. That's one solution. The Hadeeth of sooner intermediate saying that. The real solution if you're living with people is subpar. Patients that suffer that's why the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said a Muslim who lives with people mixes in intermingles interacts. And because of living with people, your feelings are hurt. And you do suffer you have patients that believe that Muslim man or woman is better than that one who goes in an island and remote place and doesn't live with anyone. Therefore nobody's to hurt their feelings and they don't have to do summer. It's take the challenge live with people. That's what the Hadith is saying. Saba is the only
solution and one of the greatest acts of a bird one of the greatest qualities. One of the greatest things in Islam is sublime. That's why the Hadith, the Quranic ayah, there's rewards given you know, if you pray this, you get this reward. If you do this, you get this reward for this paper that this reward about sobor the Quran says in your facade, the Runa ledger of human behavior are the ones who do suffer there. adjure is without any limit. Allah says I can't even put a limit like a condom and tell you how much reward there is. Because it's one of the most difficult things to do. Anger when someone has anger rage, some husbands and men have like extreme anger. Some are controlling, having
exercising, some are impatient, it's it's a real good quality we need to work on this. May Allah grant us the sub patience. Because if you react if someone does something and our feelings are hurt, we retaliate. We argue we fight back, they argue we fight. It just carries on and on and on. Do you want to live like that of misery of arguing? The other is just for the sake of our largest take it in from one ear and out from the same ear?
Okay, it's no it's just it's okay. No problem. It's just a human being. hasn't really what's happening is nothing happened to me. Someone said something. Who cares? Life is too short. Life is too short for problems. Seriously. If we become try to make that attitude, you know, if don't become too sensitive, no sisters are a bit more sensitive than men. But just try your best. When people do say things.
Try not to be too sensitive. Someone did something. That's it now for one week were depressed. Why did they use that word? Why? What are they thinking about me? What they saying Why? You know, who cares? If someone says something bad about you? It doesn't make us bad. In and if we're not good and someone praises us, all the praise of the world will not make us good if Allah doesn't think we're good, and all the
slander in the world will not make us bad if Allah thinks we're good. It's between us and Allah. That's the real relationship that matters. You know, the day we make this habit in our life that we don't worry about what others think about us. And seriously, I'm telling you this, this is a really important point. I've myself I've been trying working on this for many, many, many years. And honestly, I've seen a massive difference in my life for about 10 years now.
Live in a way that what people say think just does not matter. Who cares. I just don't someone's compensate someone Oh, they really really praised you. No big deal. What it's written, it's gone in the air. They praise you Mashallah. You're amazing. You're amazing. It's like what I recorded and keep on listening. You're amazing. You're amazing. You're amazing. Take the pleasure. You know, you're amazing. Somebody said you're good, you're good. It's gone. It's gone in the air and wind waves is there.
In the clouds world, imagine you go in the grave. Everyone praises you and the angels come and start beating you. Look, those guys said, you're amazing is that how amazing there's actually Howdy. I can't recall the reference. I heard it from somebody, but I need to check the reference of this hoodie. But I heard it from a very reliable scholar. He mentioned in one of his talks that actually there's a hurried way when a person a chief of a community, everyone used to praise him, he goes into the grave mela protects us and people as soon as they bury him, they say Mashallah, this was a very generous man, he was achieved. He was a Chaudhry, he was there, Mashallah, people are talking
and angels are beating him when they say, Look, he was a very good guy, they give him one more, are you that good person, and they say, oh, Mashallah the guy who spent so much money and generous, beat him again. So Hadeeth number protectors. So what people think, doesn't matter. Just make that in life. So that was a third point quickly, four and five for just one last point. So subtle, because we are all different. And lastly, one very important point or reason for family, family disputes, and the solution.
That Well, there's many but this is one of them. All I mentioned this for one five, just quickly. One of the reasons is tongue people the way they use the tongue, it's very important Islam places a lot of emphasis to control the tongue, the cause of family problems and marital disputes is the unrestricted usage of the tongue. We open our tongue how we want whenever we want to leave, backbiting, tail bearing swearing slandering, in any way, shape, or form. The Quran says every word that comes out that we take off our mouth, my yellow fu mean owning Illa Allah de rocky bonati we're being recorded. We'll have to justify this word. This letter, the statement in the code of Allah
subhanaw taala. The tone we use, if we shout out our wife, if a husband is shouting, Allah will ask us why did you shout at your wife? Does she deserve to be shouted? Were swearing slandering, nagging other husband cursing the husband? Every letter lol question. The sins of the tongue, I can do a two hour talk on just Sins of the tongue. Each one of them we go through it's a major area of Islam, preserving and protecting the tongue. It's one of the most important obligations. I will end with this, that some of the early scholars like Mr. Musharraf Rahim Allah, He used to, you know, when people used to come to talk to him, he used to look down for a few moments. And then he used to
contemplate and then give an answer. Somebody asked him though, oh, man, why do you do that? When some people come and talk to you while you look down for a few seconds for half a minute, one minute? And then you reply, he said Hector it for another hydrophillic an army officer good. What I do is I think to myself, whether it's better to talk, or it's better to remain quiet. And if I talk, what should I talk? What should I say? What letter should I use? What words should come out from my mouth? What tone should I use? How will I not hurt the feelings of the other person? Everything I think meditate? And then I speak? That's why they say the intellect into intelligent person is who
thinks then speaks the foolish one who speaks and then think, oh, should I have said this? Oh, no, what not? You know, that's the foolish person. So controlling of the last point. Number five. One of the main reasons a family dispute is money issues, money issues, money matters. Money Matters and money matters. Money Matters. And money matters. One of the biggest problems, Islam places a lot of emphasis on money matters. One of the biggest aspects of money matters is Islam says clarify your transactions.
Clarify, ownership, clarify, everything should be clear. The way you deal should be clear. Everything should be written recorded. Even if it's a family business. The father has a business, the son studies and comes back joins in the business. What capacity is he joining this business? Nobody asks. Nobody asks. Nobody says nobody clarifies if someone says what's the what's the story here? This is a family family. You don't mean family? You don't talk about these things. Okay, no problem, family family. Then the second son comes people in the same family. Is he working is employed. Is he a bit shady? Does he have a share in the business? Is he just freely voluntarily
helping the father nothing's clarified. The second one comes someone gets married, somebody takes more money out of the business. The first one takes less money, the third one gets married. And then what happens 30 years afterwards, I have had hundreds of cases to the point that people are ready to kill one another brothers are ready to kill one another because nothing was clarified when they were young. The fathers passed away. Inheritance issues. People fight brothers and sisters don't talk. People don't talk for years because of inheritance issues. Nothing is clear. Islam says clarify everything. If you have you've built a house together, who's paid How much? Who's got what share,
you have a family business each
Son, is he a
partner in the business? What share percentage? The father has 50%? Okay. 20% one son 20% the other son, whatever clarify, is he? Does he have a share in the business or is he helping voluntarily free? Or does he have is he employed? Well, if he's employed, what are his wages, fix his monthly salary. And then if he takes out write it down, this is the salary or money you've taken from the business. You're taking a loan you're gonna pay this back because it's not only you you have another brother you have another brother you have a sister, all monetary transactions. There's a saying it's not a hadith some people have quoted it as a hadith but as far as I know, it's not a database. A
single one of the Sahaba is like a very famous statement and it's are in principle, there are Shahrukh Khan is one with Emmylou
color Gianni, the Ashoka one, live like brothers and sisters, transact like strangers. Live like brothers and sisters, transact like strangers. Even if your brother is taking $10 from you write it down. My brother has taken this he said he will pay for this sign it the Quran says write it down everything clear. The day if you die, people no everything's written who owes you how much and how much you owe others. This will resolve because solve problems because monetary issues money issues causes a lot of problems in life. And many, many disputes take place because of money issues. So these are just few random five points in Sharla.
Sorry, I don't know how much time I went above, but it's beneficial.